I guess I didn’t even realize that this was a possibility,  Adrian Gonzalez being on the trading block. Shows what little I know, I guess. Jayson Stark reassures those that had assumed that the Padres would still give up next year that Adrian Gonzalez isn’t leaving San Diego. Well, thanks, I guess. If things like this need to be spelled out for people, I think I should take it upon myself to make everyone aware of the following stories that aren’t really stories, but assumed facts.

- Derek Jeter will probably re-sign with the Yankees next season

- Looks like the Mariners will be playing in Seattle next year.

- Barry Bonds is having a tough time finding a contract

- Bronson Arroyo probably won’t make the billboard charts

- Despite a better record, the White Sox won’t match the Cubs attendance totals.

- The Yankees and Red Sox will play each other

- The 2011 All Star Game will be in Arizona.

Anything else I missed? I’m sure there must be. But yeah, Adrian Gonzalez is not getting traded. Yet.

Williams hit .290 with 426 home runs and 1,475 RBI during his 18-year big league career, which included 16 seasons as a Cub.  The highlight of course was the way the sculptor captured the grace and glory of Billy’s mustache.

The money quote from George Castle, who writes for Northwest Indiana’s largest and most trusted media company:

Sculptor Lou Cella has a winner here. He has captured Williams in the follow-through of his sweet swing from what appears to be his batting title season of 1972. You can tell the period via Williams’ belt-less uniform, mustache and sideburns.

Picture time:

Many moons ago, the Friday Cold Stahoviak took a look at former player Billy Sample, a gregarious outfielder wh is now out of the game. I was taking a nostalgic look back at some of my old Cold Stahoviak posts, and I saw that there were a couple comments on the post. I am a notorious narcissist, so I felt obliged to check them out. One of them was this:

Only one person ever referenced ‘Random’ and not sure why he did it, I guess he thought it was cute. Berman called me ‘free’ or if we met in the bathroom, ‘urine’ … random facts, have the rookie record for most errorless games in the outfield (last time I looked) … in 1983 batted in all nine spots in the order …
I’m the same size as Rickey Henderson, was he built like an infielder too? Though it’s an honor to be included in the same sentence as Eckstein, a true ‘hard’ ballplayer, with a couple of World Series rings

Is that really you Billy Sample? If so, that would be awesome! Thanks for reading, sir, and I LOVE the mustache!

In three seasons at Metropolitan Stadium, the Twins outdoor ballpark in Bloomington, I saw Reggie Jackson mincing in his spikes across the polished concrete floor of the tunnel where I punched in. I saw George Brett and Fred Lynn and Bobby Grich‘s magnificent mustache. Rollie Fingers‘ face, in person, looked just as it did on the Pringles can.

Pringles can, eh? You make the call…

Everyone knows who Mike Piazza is. He played catcher for the Dodgers and Mets for the bulk of his career, but he spent a little bit of time in Florida, San Diego and Oakland. He was a popular subject of the tabloids, owing his time in New York and his frosted tips. There were questions about his sexuality most frequently, which he answered by marrying a Playboy Playmate Alicia Rickter. Tale THAT, New York Post.

On the field, one of his more famous moments was the 2000 World Series, when Roger Clemens took it upon himself to fire bat shards back at Piazza, perhaps hoping to finish the job after rifling a fastball at his head in a previous meeting. Piazza and Clemens had so much in commmon… the frosted tips, the New York employer, but since their meeting, they certainly have seen their lives take different arcs. To wit:

Love connection: Piazza is married to Alicia Rickter, Clemens was connected to Mindy McCready, who was 15 at the time.

Public Appearances: Piazza caught the last pitch at Shea Stadium and the first at Citi Field, certainly a beloved figure in Queens. Clemens is most regularly spotted at a Supreme Court Hearing.

General righteousness: As mentioned, Clemens probably committed statutory rape, did steroids and lied to congress. Piazza appeared in a video, professing how much his religion helped him as a player.

I’m mostly surprised Piazza is doing color commentary for Fox right now, but for the most part, he is staying out of the national eye.

According to Jon Heyman, talks to keep Prince Fielder in Milwaukee aren’t entirely dead. Now, I understand that the THS is only a Thursday post on the West Coast, so I will keep this mercifully brief. There are only three things that the Brewers can put on the table that will keep Prince in Milwaukee.

Delicious bratwurst

Endless mugs of frosty beer

Almost disgustingly greasy fried cheese curds.

You have the resources, Wisconsin. Will you be willing to sacrifice your obesity so that the local baseball team can keep it’s roundest member?

I got into Hawksley Workman in my wild college years on a tip that this was the next Tom Waits. I actually dragged my flu-weakened body to the train and then to the record shop to pick up (Last Night We Were) The Delicious Wolves hot off the presses. I didn’t hear the next Tom Waits, but I did hear a sound that blew my mind from one ear to the other. I do hear some Waits in Hawksley (especially in the way they work the small details into the big picture), but I also hear some Faces-era Rod Stewart (back when he used to kick ass) and even some Louis Ramirez Ali Baba shit. Really though, Hawksley’s an original in a time that seems as unoriginal as ever.

Which 9 Hawksley Workman songs would make the best starting 9 lineup? And this ain’t the junior circuit, so no songs that can’t play baseball designated hitters.

Lineup Card:

1. The City Is A Drag (Between The Beautifuls version) – SS
2. A Moth Is Not A Butterfly – RF
3. Your Beauty Must Be Rubbing Off – CF
4. No Sissies – 1B
5. Every Creepy Pusher – LF
6. Safe and Sound – 2B
7. Dirty and True – 3B
8. Three Generations – C
9. Song for Sarah Jane – P

Let’s try to imagine this lineup batting around…

“The City is a Drag” lines a first pitch fastball through the gap between second and short for an easy single. In the later innings. ”A Moth Is Not A Butterfly” would bunt the runner over, but in this case it draws a walk. ”Your Beauty Must Be Rubbing Off” works the count and then crushes a hanging slider over the right field fence (opposite field power!) to instantly make it a three-run inning.

“No Sissies” is the superstar in the lineup – one of those “feared” hitters that gets it a few MVP votes from the older writers. “No Sissies” won’t back off from an inside pitch so it takes a free base on an HBP. No biggie, surprise call-up from AAA Before We Were Security Guards, “Every Creepy Pusher,” turns a double into a triple with aggressive base running. Four runs.

“Safe and Sound” is the song all the ladies like because it’s white, has dark hair, and sports stubble. Scrappy indeed. A deep fly ball gets the job done in scoring the runner from third on a sacrifice. We’re up to five, baby.

“Dirty and True” is a hulking beast of a song. It gets ejected for breaking the bat over its head and eating the catchers mitt before it even sees a pitch. Crazy! “You Me and the Weather” subs in off the bench but grounds out weakly after all the insanity.

The best Christmas Song written since Doug and Bob MacKenzie perfected the 12 Days of Christmas, “Three Generations,” keeps fouling off souvenirs until it sends a final souvenir to dead center. Six.

“Song For Sarah Jane” (the best song Ryan Adams never wrote) is the pitcher, and isn’t Crazy Carlos Zambrano. End of inning.

Final Score:

The Hawksley Workmen: 23
Pearl Jam U2 Dave Matthews Band United: -1

Brenly was the head dude when the Diamondbacks won the World Series in 2001, so he’s got that treasured championship experience. He also has a treasured mustache, and apparently has since he was six. … each coach who led Chicago’s other sports teams to championships sported the stache – Ditka, Phil Jackson, and, most recently, Joel Quenneville have rocked the universal symbol for ‘manly.’

The visual argument is even more persuasive:

Ditka is of course a Stache Mouth Football NFL Mustache Hall of Famer. I bet Ozzie Guillen feels left out.

Hey, hang in there Cubs fan. No need to hang your head in shame just because you root for a bad baseball team. At least you have a keen sense of style. Chin up!

Wait a minute, is that your purse?

On Tuesday August 31st, the Brooklyn Cyclones are holding Mustache Mayhem night, a tribute to Cyclones reliever Hamilton Bennett and his superb ‘stache.  Anyone who shows up with a mustache gets a free general admission ticket. The first 1,000 fans through the gates get a stick-on ‘stache, and can everyone can enter to be named Best Mustache In Brooklyn.

“My dad’s always worn one,” Bennett explained. “So I decided to give it a shot, and the next thing I know, all of Brooklyn is focused on it!”

The next folks at The Brooklyn Paper have a video interview with a shirtless Bennett, as well as this stunning picture: