802.heaven

This shouldn't hurt

2012-06-01T10:16:00.002-05:00

"Ok, I lied." The title and the quote from the physical therapist I saw yesterday. She was really great and she was able to diagnose the problem and setup some solutions to get it fixed. (And told me what I was doing that would probably be aggravating the problem.) I have four follow-up visits setup to continue to work on my foot and make sure it doesn't heal improperly.

Yesterday also marked the last day of the antibiotics I was taking. Which is kind of nice because since my last round of chemo I have taken four rounds of antibiotics. Little wonder my body is still a little messed up.

Some of you will remember at the top of the year I got my sister to make me a painting that I turned into a thank you card. (That you can buy as a poster) She's made some choices about her future that are kind of exciting. If you care to follow her adventures you can. Of course this means a setback for some things I had hoped to do, but, thankfully it's not all about me.

This weekend doesn't seem like it'll be too noisy. There's an AIA (architecture group) that Lisa is a part of that is having a sand-castle competition in Galveston on Saturday and I think we are going to head down there and see what architects can do with sand... (that hasn't been mixed with concrete)

~B.
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Slowly, slowly...

2012-05-30T12:56:00.000-05:00

I think it was with a fair amount of wisdom that my medical staff gave me these three weeks off. As I have been sucking down the antibiotics to kill the germs in my lungs my recovery from the chemo I last had (running up on eight weeks ago now) has been a bit slower. My facial hair has been a kind of meter to me on my recovery and I am still fairly hairless on places on my face that are normally fuzzy by now.

My ankle has returned to giving me problems as well. I have an appointment with a physical therapist tomorrow morning. I also have a scheduled crown for my post-root canal tooth in a few weeks as well.

I have a PET scan next week, and I'm seeing the doctor on Wednesday next week and we'll see if I get another two months off, or if it's back to some kind of chemo. (I am praying for two months off so we can make our trip to Colorado!)

Not a whole lot going this week. Quiet, kind of a recovery time. I appreciate prayers for recovery, healing, and wisdom for the doctors.

Thanks for everything!

~B.
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Strangers, Aliens, Friends

2012-05-23T21:23:00.002-05:00

Cancer has taken us to some strange places. (Both physically and mentally) Places we never thought we would venture to, visit, or even dare to explore. Because of these travels we have made friends and people have called us friends beyond anything we could have imagined for ourselves. It's not something we realized we needed when we were first set upon this path five years ago, but honestly I can't even begin to fathom what this journey would have looked like without the friends we have had to keep us company, lighten our spirits, and guide us on this rocky path.

At the same time with my chosen vocation I have seen my fair share of people I would like to see more of, go somewhere else because that is where their journey was taking them. Like our friends and family in Seattle didn't want to see us go we were following something we wanted to do, and something that we felt God was opening up before us. Then as we were in Colorado Springs we made friends, and then watched them go other places in the world. Then it was time for us to pursue the death of my tumors so we too left. Leaving behind people who continue to pray and support us and look forward to our return. We were welcomed to Houston by people we didn't know. We were strangers, aliens to this world and culture, but they soon became friends.

Now, as God has given me this much life I seek to make it easier for people to go from being strangers in a place to friends. This is kind of two sided.

On one side I really want to get to know people. To really dive in and make a connection. At the same time I am afraid of getting too close because they might leave to go somewhere else, or (as is a very real possibility with helping people with the cancer I have) they might not be around in a few years.

In Colorado Springs I felt like we were at a hub of activity. People always coming in and going out and moving around. It was hard not to be a little bit envious of those people who would drop in with stories of far off places and countries and what God was doing there, and then they'd be off again.

I guess what I am saying is that I think this is a sign that you are growing in Christ and a maturing Christian. Are things changing? Do you have people in your life who are helping you grow and then moving on and encouraging you to help other people grow? We aren't plants. We don't grow on our own and then fade and die alone. At least that's not how it's supposed to work.

Not really where I wanted to go when I started this blog entry... but here we are. Life lessons from Ben.

~B.
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Pneumonia

2012-05-23T10:17:00.001-05:00

It's official... my little "break" has been hampered by a diagnosis of pneumonia. I've been trying rather hard to get the medication down so I can avoid the hospital. The energy I had over the weekend seems to be something I have burned away. It took me Monday and Tuesday to feel like I had the energy to engage in my day. I guess I need to pace myself a little better still.

I'll keep this in mind as there is another weekend coming up.

Thanks for the prayers and support!

~B.
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Day 5 of Not Chemo

2012-05-21T09:49:00.000-05:00

Well, here I am, day five in my "not on chemo" regime. I cannot even begin to tell you how good I am feeling at the moment. I've been so used to being clobbered every four to six weeks for the past almost three years that my baseline energy levels must have been pretty low. But then the body adapts to that and while I feel tired, sick and sore a good amount of the time it's just how life is. As I am approaching my eighth week off chemo my energy level seems to be growing at a very steep curve. It seems "funny" to me that my body fell into such a pattern so that when I get out of the pattern... even for as little as a week, I feel like I have super-powers. (Aside: despite all the chemo and radiation I do not think that I have super-powers.)

At the start of this year Lisa and I were asking ourselves, "What's next?" I was tolerating the chemo a lot better and was finding myself with more free time. Now I am finding myself with even MORE free time. Lisa and I were wondering last night where the line might be for moving back to Colorado Springs. We moved here to be available for drug trials... and that hasn't really happened since the first one, and frankly I am not overly excited about that idea again. We've been asking ourselves, when do we make the call and move back? If I was given a "we don't want to see you for another six months" that would be a pretty obvious answer... though with the 2 months, 2 months, 2 months... it seems like we're always just on the cusp of something else medically... what do you think? Any ideas? (Houstonians: Never move! Coloradians: Move now! Seattleites: Move back to Seattle instead! Californians: Don't move here!)

We'll keep you updated as things progress... we might be pre-maturely asking these questions anyway. God knows, however, which is nice, because I don't want to balance that right now. Thanks for the continued prayers and support!

~B.
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Power-up

2012-05-19T21:26:00.002-05:00

As I am half way through the seventh week of being chemo free I find myself heading in the opposite direction of the way I normally go at this point in time. What I mean is that at this point I am typically getting chemo and my energy levels tank and I am sleeping more, eating more, and generally feeling icky. At the moment however I am feel really good, I've been making an effort not to eat as much (the scale was a little intimidating the other day...) and my energy level is pretty good. I spent a good three hours visiting five different stores in the area looking at BBQ/ grills with a friend this afternoon and it was after not eating hardly anything for lunch (accident) and during the normal time that I would be taking a nap. I'm home now and I unloaded the dishwasher and am typing a blog entry. Really a lot more energy than I would normally have had.

On another medical front I am not entirely sure what I think about the fact that I supposedly have pneumonia. I really don't feel like I do. I am thinking that perhaps on Monday I'll give my doctor a call and have them re-xray my chest to double check. I figure at that point it will either be worse, or possibly a mis-diagnosis. As my doctor(s) couldn't see anything but the radiologist claimed it was there I think I'd like another crack at it (with a different radiologist). Also if it IS getting worse I'd like to make sure it's dealt with before it's REALLY worse. I am taking drugs now... or at least trying to take drugs... those pills are huge.

Thanks for the continued prayers and support as I enter this time of "spare time" and energy. (You all generally refer to it as "being healthy". Maybe I'll give it a try...)

~B.
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That was unexpected

2012-05-16T14:58:00.002-05:00

Today I was told by my doctor that my platelets are too low to start chemo. (low 70s) Because of this they are going to try a new "experiment" on me. They are giving me an extra MONTH off. Then next month they are going to do a PET scan and if my tumors haven't started growing again, then I am going to get TWO MONTHS off. Then they will scan again to see if they are growing and if they are then they want to try a new treatment (see below) and if it's not growing, then I get another two months off.

The new treatment is based off of a finding just recently that there is a protien in my tumors that is also in prostate cancer. (Which is a highly documented disease) They are going to try some things that work on prostate cancer on me and see what happens. (When the tumors start to grow back.) If that doesn't work then they would probably go back to what I am on now.

Overall some very exciting news... I feel like a caged animal who has been set free for the first time and I am looking around wondering what I am going to do next. Thanks for the prayers and support, this is some fantastic five year news!

~B.
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Five Years!

2012-05-14T20:09:00.001-05:00

Five years of cancer

Well folks, as of this weekend I have been diagnosed for five years with cancer. Seventeen percent chance of surviving five years, and here I am. Two states lived in since then, six places of residence, and at least five hospitals I have been treated at (who knows how many if you count ER trips). No one saw the cancer thing coming (you can read up on the whole thing in the archives, starting May 2007) and since then it's pretty much been anyone's guess what is next. Ups and down in my health to some rather huge degrees.

Despite the craziness, unknowns, confusion, and fears. Because of the family, the friends, acquaintances, and complete strangers God has brought me safe thus far! He has been my shield about me and a light unto my dark and confusing path. And here, at the five year mark I can say, with full assurance, that it is well with my soul. My body has taken a pounding, but despite that I have learned things about myself, and most importantly about my savior.

Please join me in thanking God for all He has done, and praying for my future. Even if I was to be declared "better" tomorrow it wouldn't make my future any less unknown without God's guidance.

The past five years have been something I couldn't have planned in any way. Thank you for the blessings you have bestowed upon me friends! Here's to many, many more years being and doing what God wants me to do and be!

~B.
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cheMOTHERapy

2012-05-12T09:00:00.002-05:00

I talk a lot about how I couldn't have made it this far in my cancer treatments without Lisa, and while that is very very true, there are other women in my life that have gone a long way to helping me get to where I am today as well. First and foremost, my mom, Jenifer Morrell. Thank you for the prayers, the support, the encouragement, and always cheering me on to continue fighting. This fight would have been a lot more difficult without you around.

Another mother that has encouraged me through this fight is my mother-in-law, Nancy Massingill, who has helped us with her nurse's training and been a supporter of us in prayer as well. She's been Lisa's champion to keep fighting and to help her as well as me.

Both Lisa and I have been supported by our mothers and they have been behind us all the way through this. There are also mother's of friends who have become involved in our lives as well and helped support Lisa and I in our fight. Overall a lot of people who have helped, but the title of Mother has really stood out to us as people who have helped carry us through some very rough patches. Thank you.

As I told my mom in a card recently, "You can't spell chemotherapy without Mother."

~B.
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Always learning

2012-05-08T18:17:00.001-05:00

The other afternoon Lisa and I were hanging out on the couch and Niko was with us and he started acting all strange, and so I took him from Lisa and attempted to calm him down. This appeared to be working and generally he calms down more when he gets near my face so I moved him up closer to where he likes to be by my head and without any kind of warning he attacked my lip. It hurt, like mad, but some of the reason it hurt as much as it did was that it was completely unexpected.

Being as this is the second time in a month and half that he has physically removed skin from my body I had a very serious conversation about removing the small green one from our apartment and keeping. In the end it was decided that we would choose to attempt to do something about it instead of "accidentally" leaving the cage door and balcony door open.

I found a site (birdtricks.com) that I honestly couldn't tell was real or a fraud but after a LOT of internet research I figured I would give it a try. (BBB searching, Whois tracking, forums, reviews, etc etc) They claim to have a six month money back policy, but frankly if it's a scam it doesn't matter what they promise. This is getting long. Anyway, I sent them some money and they are shipping out the full training videos, but they had some up on their website and I spent two and a half hours watching some of them the other morning and there is some really good stuff in there. The videos could be edited down to loose the sales pitch in a lot of them (I already bought it...) but it has helped me and is helping me to tweak Niko's schedule and how to train him to be a better bird. (So far he's a little confused about some of the changes.) We'll see if they are worth it in the long-run.

I am drawing all sorts of parallels between parrot training and life in general though... as I am sure those of you that have children are aware, it seems like half of training something that really doesn't understand you is your attitude and how you respond to things. Always something new isn't it?

Hopefully we can post some "stupid parrot tricks" or something here in the future... and hopefully it can happen without anymore blood being drawn. (On either side...)

~B.
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Pray with me!

2012-05-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

Tuesday May 15th (ten days from now) will mark the fifth anniversary of the first day I ever started chemo. I don't remember a lot from most of my times undergoing chemo over the past five years (drugs and a desire not to remember too much) but there are certain things about that first day and all the new experiences (IV's, pic lines, chemo, anti nausea drugs, hospital noise, nurses checking in at all hours, waiting, hospital food, hospitals...) that I remember clearly and might not ever forget. It has been a long road.

When they originally told me I had chemo they said you have a 17% chance of living five years. May 15th will be crossing that five year mark. I haven't beaten this by any means, but the fight has continued to go on. I have no idea what the future holds, but God has brought us down a path I didn't even know existed a little over five years ago.

I'd like to ask you to join me on May 15th to do several things: 1. Thank God for what He has done in my life. 2. Pray specifically that God will kill these tumors in a way that leaves little question as to how they disappeared.

I'll put up more reminders before the 15th, but I wanted to start making you all aware of it now. Thank you, and please pray with me on the 15th!

~B.
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The Bright Side

2012-05-04T07:21:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I had what I decided was perhaps one of the worst weeks I've had in the past five years. While I'm not entirely sure that I would call any week that involved a trip to an oral surgeon and a dentist a great week this week has been significantly better. This could also be because in the light of the dark week, weeks that aren't anywhere near that bad seem bright and shiny in comparison.

While Monday was my root canal (which would probably have started out almost anyone's week as being a tough one...) Tuesday night we got a last minute invite to join some friends for dinner and we had a wonderful evening with them. Then we had a planned dinner date night on Wednesday where we made dinner and brought it over to a friends house. Again a great evening. Then yesterday Lisa had a friend over for a bit. And on Saturday we have a planned game night with some other friends. I've baked or food prepped for 2/3rds of the friend events (I would have made bread for the one on Tuesday if it hadn't been so last minute) which also makes it extra enjoyable.

Overall this week I have avoided MDA entirely, had my mouth poked at two different times, and spent more social time with different friends than I think we have since we moved to Texas... maybe even before Colorado. It's been a good week, one that I think will carry me further than the simple "it's not the worst week ever" would have taken me. My thanks to friends for the invites and thinking of us, and to God who knows best what I need.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support.

~B.
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How's now work for you?

2012-05-01T09:47:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had a consultation with the specialized dentist that only does root canals. We got up, and made the trip across town so that they could see me and then we could schedule a time to make this happen. Instead of being a consultation it turned into a "lets just do this now". (Guess they had time...) They took some xrays, said, "Yep you really need a root canal" (so I have heard), then asked me three or four times if I was in pain, marveled at the fact I wasn't in pain and then tried to convince me I might not need sedation. I laughed and told them for their sake and mine I did.

They had me swallow a bunch of pills. (Three antibiotics which seemed the size of my pinky, and two sedation pills about the size of a grain of rice.) Those that know me will know that alone was a miracle that I got those down. They then hooked me up to a heart monitor, blood pressure monitor, and oxygen monitor. Then the doctor came in and on the third try got the IV in a good vein (I've had this complaint before) and then... well that's the last thing I remember until about five pm that evening.

Lisa has some stories, but I don't know if they are true, and if she tells any to you you probably shouldn't believe her.

I now have a nice post and core where the majority of my tooth used to be. In a few days or so I will get my dentist to put a crown on it and make it feel like a real tooth again.

Thanks for everyone who has been praying for this. The cost of the sedation was kind of high, and not entirely something we had budgeted for, but a few weeks ago we got a rather touching letter in the mail with the exact amount for the sedation. We were incredibly touched and at the time we had no idea what the money was for (as it was a rather large sum) and so, figuring that God has plans for mysterious amounts of money we put it away and didn't know until yesterday that it matched the price of the sedation. (not covered by dental insurance)

God provides. It's the ~~tooth~~ truth!

~B.
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Perspective

2012-04-28T15:06:00.001-05:00

A project I have been working on for a while hit a point where it had to change drastically from what I was thinking it would be to something else. With this change in something that I have been pouring myself into for the past ten years I've been faced with the question of, "What does it look like now?" A big part of this is the perspective of how I want to tell this story. First or third person. I realized as I wrote out a paragraph in each perspective that first person was a LOT easier for me. Part of this I am sure is the fact that this blog has been nothing but first person since it started ten years ago. I've written a ton of words in the first person, and the third person is a wild and unknown territory to me. Which raises the question for me as a writer, do I go with what I know and write from the first person, or do I attempt the third person and probably run into a million mistakes and learn from that but also delay the finishing of this project?

The parallels between this project and my life right now do not escape me either. Here I am approaching five years of cancer fighting and I feel like I am starting to be able to do more than I could a year ago and the world, while still limited, seems to be opening up making so many things available that weren't when I was sick out of my mind.

Just a few thoughts...

~B.
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Lemonade

2012-04-27T12:00:00.001-05:00

Hey Everyone,
Those of you that follow me on social media platforms (G+, FB, and Twitter) will have seen my posts for some reviews I have written for a website called BevReview. I've been a reader of the site now for something like three or four years now. A few months back the owner of the site asked me if I would be interested in writing some reviews for the site. Being as I enjoy a good drink every now and again I was happy to help him out.

I just completed my fourth review for the site and it went up this morning. You can find all of my reviews at this link. I'm kind of the Lemonade connoisseur of the site. I'm looking to put in a bunch more lemonade reviews in the next couple months.

Just thought you all might be interested in something I've been doing to keep myself busy. (Oh, and in case you're wondering, this isn't a paid gig... it's a "sure why not" gig.)

~B.
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Dental plans

2012-04-25T07:55:00.002-05:00

After telling me last week not to worry and that MDA would handle all the dental details I was informed, after asking several times, yesterday that the one dentist for all of MDA had reviewed my case and decided not to do anything about it. Thus I have to go out there and find my own tooth fixing... like I had originally thought, last week, when I had an appointment, that I canceled. Needless to say I am a little miffed as I was informed these can sometimes take three to four weeks to schedule, and last week I had five weeks until chemo again, and now I have four weeks until chemo. I am hopeful I can get a consultation scheduled this week and then get the root canal scheduled for ASAP.

Thankfully it doesn't hurt. If I was in pain I would probably be lying around with a cold compress smashed against my face downing large(r) doses of pain meds. As they say in the field, my quality of life has been just fine since the toastcindent. (It's like toast and accident) I just have this looming awareness that sometime soon there will be something boring into my jaw. Which, I have to say the desire to be awake for that is literally none. Zip. Zero. That is going to be my first question later today when I start calling the dentists that MDA suggested (or maybe I'll just call back the guy I originally called...) "Do you do sedation dentistry" and if they pause even for a second I'll be like, "Thank you goodbye."

I've tried the "conscious sedation" before, in fact the last time I got a biopsy they were just going to do it that way, but they injected me, and thirty minutes later they were like, "Huh... he should be calm and semi out of it by now. Not freaking out about us going to punch a hole through his chest to his back and pull material through." [Note: It still baffles me why they thought going in through the front and through my lungs was the "best route", especially after they looked at it again and decided to go through my back. I don't know if some student was looking for a challenge or what.] My first experience with that stuff proved that it doesn't seem to work on me, so we'll find someone who can knock me out good. (I had my wisdom teeth done that way and while not something I would do again, it was a quick and simple process.)

The more I sit here and talk about it the more I think I am just going to call the folks I originally had an appointment with who the dentist I went to recommended and skip the MDA suggestions. We'll see after some phone calls though.

Thanks for the support and the help. I have a shuttle to catch so someone can put more bruises on my arm! I mean draw blood.

~B.
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Bake-cation

2012-04-22T17:08:00.000-05:00

Being as I can't go anywhere and this past week was downright horrible (I'll spare you pictures of what my arm looks like from the constant (poor) blood draws) I felt like I needed a bit of something "fun", or at least semi distracting, so I decided to have a bit of a "bake-cation" this weekend. The first project was a modification of my favorite bread recipe, with roasted garlic instead of the cheese. There is the usual make, wait, mix, wait, prep, wait, bake, wait that went with these rolls but they had a completely different taste to them as they were lacking cheese and were instead infused with half a head of roasted garlic each. (Which after everything was said and done it wasn't really enough in the flavor department. They would have been better with probably a good head each.)

Lisa made a fantastic French Beef Stew to go with the rolls and we decided we like that stew recipe a lot due to the extra flavors it provides over "normal" stew. We'll be repeating the same meal we had last night for dinner to night. I know both of us are looking forward to the encore meal.

At the moment I am baking a dessert that I "came up with" though when I googled it I found that someone had been there at least five years before me. While I am not using this recipe it's essentially what I am doing: S'more Brownies. (And odds are good that in watching the food network over the past five years I probably saw this at one time, so I'll just credit where credit it due.)

Thank you for the continued support and prayers. This past week was bad. Even more stuff happened than I detailed in my previous post. (both physically and emotionally) It was just a perfect storm. Thankfully it is hopefully uphill from here and I am still alive through the trials. Thank God for His mercies.

~B.
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Tiny Little Limbs

2012-04-21T14:18:00.004-05:00

In the past five years I can think of a few weeks that I felt went worse than this past one. Chemo recovery, broken tooth, being stuck with needles every day, extra meds, emotional junk, etc etc. I probably haven't mentioned it before but breaking a tooth is my number one thing I have nightmares about. I never dream about being told I have cancer is, well, because I never dreamed that would be a problem before, and then after I was told it's not like it could be any scarier than what I already went through. So having a tooth break in my mouth is a nightmare situation for me. It's one of those body things that can't naturally "fix" itself. It's like loosing a little tiny limb.

Recovery is coming along but at what seems like a slower pace than normal. Sometime in the next few weeks I'll be seeing the MDA dentist about a full workup and root canal or something. In the meantime I just need to focus on recovery. I'd appreciate any prayers in regard to that.

There were some bright spots in last week, Lisa and I got out a few times, and out of the house is nice when the house is work as well. Today I am making bread rolls (see social media for links and pictures) that I have been having fun with.

Thanks for your continued support, here's hoping for a better week.

~B.
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How to Hope 101

2012-04-18T15:13:00.000-05:00

I like to get excited about things. This might come as a surprise to some of you who know me in various ways and places, but I like the buildup of expectations and then the final delivery of the thing be it an object, experience, or experience.

In the past five years I have really stifled this aspect of my personality. The cancer has been a series of ups and downs, just about the point you start hoping something catches you in the mouth and pushes down again. And yet on the same side the long hard fights, feeling horrible with no hope of seeing the light and we're given some touch of good news.

Then there are things like planned trips. Lisa and I really try not to make them because, well, something happens. It seemed the trip to CA SD a few weeks ago was something we kind of snuck up on and were able to go and had a good time. We were hoping to do that again and get in a trip to Colorado, but that got shot down my more medical issues. I allowed myself to get a bit excited about Colorado and it fell through and I was disappointed.

I don't know that I know how to hope anymore. I mean I hope for maybe little things here or there, but long-term (aside from my hope being in heaven) I really don't know how to do it. Everything else just makes me seem jaded or calloused. Or even mad at God. Which I don't think I am any of those three. I want to hope for things, but in a lot of ways I feel like I've gotten excited about things too many times and it's been taken from me, which hurts a lot. So I'm not sure how to hope for things without getting hurt every time.

Obviously you are seeing a bit of what has boiled to the top after this week's string of things. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

~B.
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The Whole Tooth

2012-04-17T12:34:00.003-05:00

The exciting and thrilling tale continues in tonight's installment, "The Whole Tooth!" Featuring the villainous acts of Monsieur Masticator. Will this be the end of the little tooth that could? Have years of faithful service turned him to the dark side?

Seriously, while I could probably write a whole blog entry based on an old-time radio play about my mouth, I think I am going to burn my creative energies in another direction. So the low down is that MDA has taken over control of my mouth from my side-dentists. I just picked up two antibiotics that need to be taken over the course of the next ten days, so hopefully those aren't too big of an issue. Then whilst I am taking those my platelets will hopefully be rising slowly enough to be put to work. MDA's dentist is going to go the root canal and the other hardware that needs doing in there as well.

So long as they put me out I don't really care who's doing it so long as they are competent. And I think with MDA should any complications arrise I'll be at the best place to get treatment for those problems.

Thank you for you continued support. Colorado at this point is off the table.

~B.
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Spread that umbrella

2012-04-16T10:55:00.003-05:00

In a follow up on this morning's post: I have a rather large "abscess" under what remains of the tooth, so I am going to need a root canal with a post and core and then a crown on top of that. Bang Head On Desk.

I am working on trying to figure out when to make this happen between getting better from chemo and starting chemo again. We were going to take that time this time around to visit Colorado Springs, but it looks like we might have to postpone that idea until later down the line because I'm going to be recovering from medical procedures.

The best made plans of mice and men huh?

~B.
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Got an Umbrella?

2012-04-16T08:03:00.002-05:00

I really, really don't want to sound like a pity party here, that's NOT why am I writing. But JUST so you know I too have bleh ~~days~~ ~~weeks~~ times:

This morning I awoke to body pain, but NO headache! It was great, not only did my mind feel clear from chemo, but it was free from pain as well. It was a heady combination. After seven days of chemo and another three days of a migraine, it was good to feel pain/fog free. I made myself a fairly typical fair for breakfast, some toast with peanut butter on it, and sat down to take in the morning news. The second bite I feel something hard and crunchy... something that shouldn't be in toast or smooth peanut butter, so I get rid of the stuff in my mouth thinking it might be a bit of sand or something instead I am greeted by a few white chips of teeth. It appears one of my tooth's had decided it didn't like living and had decided to explode.

Thus this morning I am faced with contacting my oncologist to see if it's ok if I can get dental treatment so close to chemo, and then finding a dentist who can fit me in this morning and potentially fix the problem without causing me to bleed.

You'll remember I visited the dentist not nine months ago to get my first cavity filled. At that time he took xrays and didn't see anything else on the scan other than the one he filled. Now less than a year later I have a tooth that is more than cavity. I am afraid regular dental scans are going to have to become part of my checkup. Can't I be allowed to dislike at least one kind of doctor and not get to know them all intimately?!

I could use some prayers for wisdom for the best route to take on this. Thank you everyone. If you'll excuse me I've got a hole with an eye towards getting filled.

~B.
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Wrong step

2012-04-15T07:22:00.002-05:00

The other morning I was waxing poetic about the dawn and feeling good about pulling out of a cycle of chemo aaand... then I got two migraines in one day. I spent most of the day in bed wishing I was unconscious and wishing the time when I could take my next drug would hurry up. Around 6pm something all those times seem to converge and I took several different types of pain med with several kinds of anti-nausea drugs and added a bag of ice to my face. That seemed to do the trick as it was about three hours before I remember anything more and the pain was mostly gone. At the moment I feel like I've been punched in the face (migrane side effect) but it's nothing too serious and will hopefully fade as the day goes on.

I always wonder about things like this. Maladies upon maladies. Here I am barely clear of a round of chemo and BAM I spend almost two days in bed because of a horrible headache (or two). It's not like I "deserve" anything like good health, but despite all this, I sometimes say, "Ok, I've paid my dues. Time to move onto something else." God's pushing me towards a lot of patience and using medical things to do it. It's hard.

~B.
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Dawn again

2012-04-14T07:36:00.000-05:00

I was awoken this morning by a combination of left-over migraine and chemo. It was just one of those mornings where it was "close enough" to what I needed to get for sleep and so getting up would be better than lying in bed focusing on my headache. So I got up. It was pre-dawn and this morning I have had the pleasure of watching the sun come up on a slightly overcast blustery day.

I know there are people out there who are up this early because they are forced to be, and sometimes people I know prefer the night, but really, there are some times where I think you just need to experience a good early morning. I'm not saying it has to happen often, but sometimes just waking up before dawn, getting a bite to eat and enjoying being slower than the world around you and watching it all come awake just makes you feel more than human.

I know I need that... well at least that I am imbued with more than just the strength and ability that this flesh gives me. As I dragged myself to bed last night, head pounding from migraine, just off chemo, and feeling horrible I thought about where my strength comes from. Frankly it's surprising to me that I have any left at all, which I think only speaks to the blessing that God has given me.

There is a tiredness that resides within me that could consume me whole, and sometimes I wish it would just consume me. But frankly I feel like God has more for me right now and there is much to do still. I just need to figure out what that looks like.

In the "figuring it out" phase here I have some good news. It looks like my medical costs, AND my monthly paycheck, is able to be covered by everyone's generous donations. I am now more of a help than a hindrance to the nonprofit company I work for, thankfully in part towards what you have helped to donate. Thank you everyone.

Lisa and I continue to try and figure out what God wants us to be doing with our time between treatments. As they get a little easier each time, and take up less time to get back to "wanting to do something" it seems like we/ I should be doing something more specific with my time between treatments, but I don't know what that looks like. (Locations, people, churches, work, etc etc) There are a lot of options. We could continue to use some prayer in that area.

Thank you everyone.

~B.
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What day what?

2012-04-10T09:58:00.003-05:00

And who even knows anymore!? I'm in the middle. Chemo to left, chemo to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with anti-nausea meds.

One thing that seems to have gotten me harder this time around that the other times is my [want/need/desire] for food. I've been eating a LOT in the past 24 hours. Not sure I have had this kind of hunger cravings before with this combination of medications. It's made me hungry before, but it's some pretty heavy stuff at the moment.

Thankfully this tends to disappear when the chemo and the drugs go away. I'd have to be on appetite suppressants if I felt like eating like this all the time.

This is your latest missive from the chemo wracked brain of Ben. Please continue to pray for effective chemo.

~B.
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