Residents surrounding the Central Church of Christ building, built in the early 50s of Indiana limestone, were awakened early this morning with smoke filling their neighborhood streets.

The Central Church of Christ building was fully engulfed as of this morning.

The fire began approximately 12:30 am.

At approximately 3:30 AM this morning, most of the roof had been destroyed except for the steel framework of the roof which was bowing in the middle due to the extreme heat.

It is still too early at this time to determine the cause of the fire, and there are no apparent injuries.

 (On a side note:  My parents were married in this church 45 years ago.)

How to Stop

First, notice your language.  Notice your thoughts.  Notice when you are using the language of a victim mentality.  And then work to change them.

What’s The Difference

The difference for someone without a victim mentality isn’t that ‘bad’ things don’t happen to them.  It’s all about how they choose to respond, beginning with what the think about whatever it is that has happened.

For example:

The economy tanks.  And two people just started new businesses.  One says, “Oh great!  Just my luck!  I finally make the leap to start my business and the economy tanks!  This is just never gonna happen.”

The other?  The other thinks thoughts like, “OK.  So I made the leap to self-employment and the economy tanked.  I might have to change my strategy up a bit.  But I know this is going to be a success.”

Stop Blaming

Stop blaming others.  And stop blaming yourself.  

Blaming is a waste of energy that could be applied towards taking actions to make your life better.  In most instances, you’ll make a bigger and more positive impact if you don’t waste time trying to figure out who is at fault.

As For Blaming Yourself

There is a quote by Maya Angelou that explains it best.

“You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better.”

Life is a learning process.  As long as we do the work, and continue to grow.  

In the meantime, trust that you did the best you knew how to do in the circumstances you were in at the time.  

Learn.  Let it go.  And then be mindful so that if similar circumstances arise, you do better next time.  

Begin to Identify Areas of Control

There are a great many things in life we can’t control.  Then, there are areas where we can have influence.  And then, we have the things we can control.  Those things usually have to do with us, and our responses to circumstances.  The things you can’t control?  Stop trying.  It’s a losing battle.

You Do Have a Choice

You have a myriad of choices. You might not like the other choices.  But you do have choices.  And it begins by choosing to take responsibility for your life.  

Because Here’s the Thing

That underlying belief that you have that tells you it’s better to ‘play small’ and that you have to garner pity from others in order to get through life -- because ultimately, you don’t trust that you can handle things on your own?  You know, that part of you that’s afraid to be you out in the world?  

Those beliefs?  That thinking?  That fear?

It’s wrong.  It’s absolutely wrong.  

Marianne Williamson said it very well:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? ...Your playing small does not serve the world....We are all meant to shine, as children do. ...It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Begin today.  Start today.  

Start taking responsibility for your life, freeing all that energy you waste on that victim mentality to start building the life that you were intended to live.

All the best!

deb

P.S.  One step in taking responsibility for your life is to know your purpose.  If you aren't sure what the purpose is for your life or business,   I’ve put together exercises and tools - and designed a one-hour teleclass that can help you discover it.  Are we going to discover your purpose in an hour?  Of course not!  But we’ll lay the groundwork, and you'll have exercises you can work through after the course to get you well on your way.

The teleclass is July 8. And it’s just $25.  (And yes, as of noon today, there are only 20 spots left! So sign up now - You can do that here.)  Have a great weekend!

Your best friend just refused your dinner invitation.  Was it because she’s rude and insensitive?  

Or were you passed over for promotion because you consistently show up late, constantly found reasons to have to leave the office, and therefore missed meetings, deadlines, and the goals that had been set for you?  (And did you forget those points?  Focusing only on your terrible boss?)

And about that best friend who you now call rude and insensitive.  Did you fail to listen when she told you she already had other plans?  Or did you consider that you’d called him at the last minute?

You May Have a Victim Mentality.

A victim mentality is one where you consistently blame external circumstances, including other people and external events, for what happens in your life.  

In Business

In business?  These are the people who complain about being 'put out' by clients.  Because the client, after all, didn't get it.  (It's not that the product didn't work or that the client didn't see the value in it.)  Or the clients didn't 'talk them up' the way they'd hope.  

The client, in the end, didn't end up loving them and everything they do, the way many of us in the 'cult of Mac' do.  And that, of course, is entirely the client's fault.  

The Calculating Mind Strikes Again

These are the people who keep score - constantly.

If they do something nice for you, you can bet they expect something in return.  If you don't automatically know this and do what they want without them being clear about what it is they want, you're taking advantage.  

And usually?  They expect more in return than what they have given.  Give them an inch, they want the mile.

All this measuring and keeping score, unfortunately, can also lead to jealousy and anger.

"That artist isn't as good as I am, but has more sales.  Of course, I'd have more sales too if.....(I lived in a better area, had a supportive spouse like they do, etc. etc.)"

Those things might affect a person's business, but those with a victim mentality don't move beyond it or move past it.  They just complain about it to anyone who will listen.

I hate to burst your bubble.

But you are not a victim.  And you are not helpless.

Consider This:

Christopher Reeve.  

Yep.

Superman.

He could have claimed to be a victim and not worked a day in his life towards walking again.  And no one would have thought any less of him.  

Instead, he not only went on to continue working to walk again, he championed the cause of spinal-cord injuries.

Anne Frank.  Victor Frankl.  People demonstrating & losing lives in Iran right now.  

There are a myriad of examples I could use.

But you’re right.  Your friend being continually late is something for you to tragically endure, rather than accept that about your friend and bring a book to read during the time you know you’ll be spending waiting.  

The Language is Sometimes Very Very Subtle

At times, we’ll hear ourselves saying things like, “I have no choice.”  That seems pretty obvious.  

But most of the time, the language demonstrating a victim mentality is much more subtle.  

It might sound like, “My spouse is wonderful.  Truly!  I have the best spouse in the world!  I’m just tired today because he travels so much for work and I’ve been dealing with the kids on my own.”

Or maybe, “I can find a new job!  I’ve got a great skill set!  But you know, the economy is in such bad shape, I’ll have to take a major pay cut.”

The negativity becomes cloaked in positive speech, because these individuals are socially aware.  

They know how to sound as though they have a positive mindset.  

They know how to ‘sound’ like they’re always supportive of their family and friends.  

They know how to ‘sound’ like they aren’t a victim at all.  

In fact, people with a victim mentality are often very nice.  Everyone seems to like them.  Because they’re sweet.  They’re always smiling.  They know the right things to say.  They’d never hurt a fly.  Because they can’t.  They’re helpless.   

They have to be nice and sweet and helpless, so that the rest of us will feel sorry for them and take care of them.

Yes.  The victim mentality is insidious and often difficult to detect.  But it is essentially emotionally manipulative, and very much about control.

They Control Everything

People with a victim mentality control the environment around them.    

They don’t bring the book to read to meet the friend who is usually late, they cajole and complain.  They start texting threatening to leave if the friend isn’t there in one minute.  (Nevermind that the friend had called to let the one with the victim mentality *know* that they were held up at the doctor’s office.)

By putting the responsibility for their life and their happiness in your hands, they then get to call the shots.  After all, you now have to do the things that make them happy.  You now have to be sure not to offend them.   (Oh yes.  People with a victim mentality are generally very easily offended.) 

You can’t tell the truth.  You can’t be yourself.  Your entire existence has to revolve around them.  

Choices

The truth is that you do have choices.  And it starts with taking personal responsibility for your life.  

But we’ll talk about ‘the solutions’.....tomorrow.  (Check back!)

In the meantime,  keep in mind that there are varying degrees of this behavior.  

Do you notice any of this type of behavior or thinking in your own life?

Or in the relationships in your life?

All the best!

deb

P.S.  One way to start taking responsibility for your life is to know your purpose.  And if you have a business, you need to know the purpose for that too.  If you aren't sure what the purpose is for your life or business,   I’ve put together exercises and tools - and designed a one-hour teleclass that can help you discover it.  Are we going to discover your purpose in an hour?  Of course not!  But we’ll lay the groundwork, and you'll have exercises you can work through after the course to get you well on your way.

The teleclass is July 8.    And it’s just $25.  (And yes, spaces are limited. You can sign up here.)

And to those who have already signed up, thank you!  

This is one reason that applying concepts of creativity can lead to a more enriched and fulfilling life.  As you learn to ‘pay attention’ and ‘be aware’ for the sake of your creativity, you naturally begin to do this in your life as well.

Practicing Awareness

But there are misconceptions and dangers surrounding ‘being aware’ or ‘living in the moment’.  Some people attempt to achieve a sense of ‘living in the moment’ that leads past the level of acceptance and to a level of resignation.

In other words, they attempt to reach a point where they ‘go with the flow’ no matter what comes their way.  With no purpose connected to the practice of awareness, these people can get pulled in directions that are completely wrong for them and their life.  

They get pulled in one direction and then another, and then back again, like that plastic bag being blown around in the wind at the end of "American Beauty".  (Remember that one?)

What we’re really after is being present without resistance.

It’s simply asking, “What is here now?  What is happening now?” without a sense of judgement or attachment.  It’s being present to circumstances, to our thoughts, to our feelings, to everything -- without resistance.

Resistance is where we get into trouble and cause ourselves pain.  It’s wanting, desperately, to hang on to the job, the relationship, to the way things were.  

As with most things, simply going to the other extreme and accepting everything doesn’t work either.

What Does Work?

What works is being able to be aware, without resisting what is happening, and then making empowered decisions and choices that comes from the purpose of our life.  

Rather than resisting and asking, “Why is this happening to me?” 

Or going too far to the other extreme and saying, “Whatever happens, happens”

Practicing awareness that is connected to purpose allows us to ask, “What do I want to do from here?” 

We can then take responsibility for our lives, while making strong, empowered choices that are in alignment with our vision.

Are you practicing awareness?

Are you living in the moment without resistance?

Is your ‘awareness’ grounded by purpose?

All the best!

deb

P.S.  If you aren't sure what the purpose is for your life,   I’ve put together exercises and tools - and designed a one-hour teleclass that can help you discover it.  Are we going to discover your purpose in an hour?  Of course not!  But we’ll lay the groundwork, and you'll have exercises you can work through after the course to get you well on your way.

The teleclass is July 8.    And it’s just $25.  (And yes, spaces are limited. You can sign up here.)

A well-defined purpose will:

-Express possibility

-Fulfill a desire that any human being can resonate with

-Be free-standing, not pointing to a need for improvement, but gives strength, empowerment, & a sense of freedom now

-Create a line of possibility that reaches out to others, inviting expression, progress & increase within it’s structure

-Transform an individual, creating a place where the ‘real world’ becomes a world of possibility

What About Goals?

With a known purpose, goals & objectives come from an outlook of abundance.  They become guides used to determine movement on a track.  

Goals can then become flexible, adjustable, amenable to changing circumstances, rather than tools we can use to beat ourselves up with if we don’t reach them.  

Goals that are disconnected from a sense of purpose can lead us down the wrong path.  We end up determining and setting goals based on what others around us do, or what they think we should do.  

Discovering your purpose isn’t a magic wand that, once realized, will transform your life in an instant.  It’s a start.  It’s a beginning point.  It’s where the real work begins, as you begin to live ‘on purpose’.

How Does It Feel?

Most people let life happen to them.  They play the role of the continual victim, tossed about by the whims of the economy, the boss, the status of their relationships.  Circumstances happen to them.  They’ll say things like, “I have no choice.”  They abdicate responsibility to the world around them and the people in it.

But then there are those who design their lives.  They know their purpose, they know their values, and they are able to navigate their lives by choice.   

These people know that knowing your purpose is invigorating.  Inspiring.  Expansive.  

Decision making becomes easier, as you determine what to do in any given moment based on your stated purpose.  Stress, worry, and anxiety decreases.  (They don’t go away completely.  We aren’t talking about an ‘airy-fairy’ concept that will make the real world disappear.  It’s just a different way of ‘being in the world.’  A stronger way.)

How Do I Know What My Purpose Is

We all know.  Deep down, we know.  It’s just that we don’t all do the work necessary to find it.  And it does take some work.

There *are* tools and exercises you can use to define and articulate your vision and purpose.  And I’ve put some together and designed a one-hour teleclass that can get you well on your way to doing just that.  The teleclass is July 8.    And it’s just $25.  (And yes, spaces are limited. You can sign up here.)

Are you living your life by default?

Do you know your purpose?

If you do, are your thoughts, goals, and actions aligned with it?

All the best!

deb