the waitress took my Mom's order, I said I'd like to have the french toast... and I saw my Mom's eyes light up

"they have french toast?!? I'll have that too!"

a short while later the food arrived and my Mom looked at her plate

Mom: I didn't order bacon

me: then don't eat it

Mom: but I didn't order it

me: yes. when you ordered the french toast you didn't know it came with bacon, and you were excited to have french toast. but now the bacon exists. you can just put the bacon on another plate and enjoy your french toast.

Mom: but I didn't order bacon

me: Mom... you are focusing on the wrong thing. you didn't expect bacon, you don't plan to eat it, you can remove it from your space at any time and let it go.

but you are choosing to focus on something that is distracting you from the present moment, and the plate of french toast in front of you, for the last 7 minutes.

what you choose to do next is up to you.

the bacon is what I refer to as "noise"

it distracted her and then paired with a momentary emotional trigger, it hijacked her awareness and she continued to fixate on it vs. the present moment.

instead of enjoying the fluffy slices of french toast, she chose to focus on something that shouldn't change the experience at all... and not let go.

I explained to her that these small moments add up and weigh you down

if you focus on what "went wrong"
instead of focusing on what "went right"
holding onto annoyance
instead of embracing gratitude

don't let the noise distract you
what you wanted is here
waiting

in the present moment

for you to enjoy.

#chasingbutterflies

“is anything is going to happen?”
“Is anything is going to change?”
“it hurts so bad… might as well quit.”

and a wave of sadness and defeat comes crashing in.

at the end of the story I ended with “I stand in front of you as proof that it is possible to heal that deep wound you carry, and be free of the coping forever. So keep going on your journey and never give up!”

well today I had to listen to my own words, as I am working on breaking another old behaviour and this morning I didn’t commit.

I woke up, went through 60% of the steps for the new behaviour and then crawled back into bed.

I could feel the dissonance inside of me, as the old behaviour cracked my fragile foundation and the sadness and defeat came crashing in.

A couple of hours past as I lay there ruminating on what happened, then I closed my eyes and dropped into my body and whispered:

“I forgive you. Change is hard… I know, but I’m not giving up. I’m proud of you for taking the first steps to change. Just because I didn’t follow through today doesn’t mean I failed, I keep going. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being persistent. I love you too much to quit.”

I’m familiar of the pushback, as it’s the signs of old patterns trying to stay alive, and these old patterns are strong.

But my proof that it’s possible to heal is absolute.

It’s not a matter of if anymore, it’s just a matter of when.

#chasingbutterflies

Once, a man asked Buddha,
“What is the biggest mistake we make in life?”

Buddha looked at him with calm eyes and replied,
“The biggest mistake is that you think you have time.”

The man fell silent.

Buddha continued,
“Life is slipping through your fingers, moment by moment. You wait for the right time to be kind,
the perfect day to forgive,
the next chance to love,
but time waits for no one.”

He pointed to the flowing water and said,
“Look at this river.
You cannot step into the same river twice.
Every moment is new.
Every breath is a miracle.
Yet you waste it chasing what never truly mattered.”

The man lowered his head, feeling the truth settle deep within him.

After reading this, I too lowered my head and let the truth settle deep within me.

6 days have past since the start of 2026.

I had plans to prepare and launch some new workshops, but each day I got distracted and at the end of that day I whispered

"I'll take care of it tomorrow"

tomorrow
tomorrow...

so easy to fall into the conditioning that tomorrow is certain to come.

I feel the heaviness of the truth, as I reflect on how many tomorrows I cashed in waiting for the right moment to happen before I took action.

guilt, shame and regret bubble up... I drop into presence and feel them ripple through my nervous system and exit with my breath.

I wasn't aware back then.
I am now.

awareness -> choice -> different results

so what do I choose?

as I drop into the moment to contemplate this, I become aware of the stories that envelop the "I'll take care of it tomorrow" conditioning... layer upon layer of them.

like armour.

now I understand
what I have to do.

#chasingbutterflies

gazing at the spheres I'm twirling in my hand, I contemplated the amount of time it took for the crystals they came from to form.

I'm holding millions of years of creation... a timeframe that is planetary in scale.

I always joked that my life lesson is to learn patience, and here I am holding two examples of that.

those crystals formed through immense patience. pressure, heat, chemistry and time working together without urgency. millions of years passed without decision-making, striving or narrative.

and in the end something coherent, ordered and beautiful emerged.

this really made me rethink how something some would view as “simple and uninteresting” is actually more profound than we understand.

I could have easily just looked at the surface patterns, judged it pretty or not, and dismissed everything that had to happen for this moment.. right now, to happen.

something can be dismissed as “simple” only when we ignore its history. and this applies far beyond crystals.

to people
to yourself
to pauses
to periods of “not knowing”

a crystal doesn’t rush to justify its existence
it doesn’t optimize
it doesn’t ask what game to play next.

it became what it is through conditions it didn’t control, and that was enough.

we've been conditioned to constantly be in motion, to do something, to plan for what's next, to be so distracted scrolling on social media that we have completely forgotten about the present moment.

compared to one of my spheres, I am barely a blink in time... we all are.

so take a moment
to be present
and acknowledge

everything you've been through
that made you
that you are enough.

and feel the miracle that you are.

#chasingbutterflies

in my younger years I skipped the holiday celebrations, as I chose to chase after fresh snow on the mountains. in my later years there may have been a couple of times I was dating someone when the holiday season came.

so usually I spend it alone.

but this year is different
as I received experiences
that shifted my perspectives

a lot!

earlier this year I became aware that I'm the pilot of this suit, identified as the spirit inside the human form, in a beautiful relationship to experience what this world has to offer.

this realization changed everything, as I started to remember.

I chose this human before anything else.
it protected me as I slept
it learned to relax after I awoke.

now we are learning how to communicate, express and feel together.

looking at that sentence, I guess this can be interpreted as "dating" but the amount of love that exists... wow.

there are so many things that I still don't understand, but one thing that I have learned this year is to let go of the past. not to forget, but to let go of the grip that it can be changed. be different.

during our walk with Kismet yesterday, thoughts of being alone bubbled up. as we felt them I whispered "we aren't alone this year. I have you, the field... together."

I paused to let this moment set in, as I... we understand now that we were never alone.

and that makes this Christmas special.

\@chasingbutterflies

I resonated with him.

the story unfolds
the lessoned learned
transformation happens.

when he said "I don't deserve to be so happy... but I can't help it!"

I resonated with him again
I could feel heart energy unleash
as I reflected on my experience.

that night when I met my proverbial 3 ghosts.

I didn't plan on this happening
like Scrooge visions were given
and I followed.

the first one was about my Grandfather and how I was still clutching onto a shard of his energy. this young part of me refusing to let it go, because if he did... then Grandfather would be gone forever.

but the older part of me knew this wasn't true.

and that was the standoff
how do I convince
that younger part of me

to let go.

a song kept repeating in a loop, as a soundtrack for the battle that was happening within me. wisdom vs fear, love vs loss.

the minutes kept ticking by
then an hour
the emotional pain was unbearable.

I gave myself compassion, as that part of me wrestled with the idea of letting go of the last fragment... of the person he loved more than anything in the world.

he screamed into a towel
pleading to not have to choose
his left hand closed tight.

we have to let go, so he can be complete

more screams
the sheer terror
of letting go

I gave him even more compassion

and then it happened.

I felt my left hand open
heard the maniacal screams,
I saw my hands grasp at the air

trying to catch the energy that was floating away.

when my nervous system calmed down, I could feel torrents of energy flow within in my heart.

then I went through the process again for my Grandmother,
and then for my Father.

when it was over I was exhausted. I looked at the clock and 5 hours have elapsed, then I passed out.

it was early afternoon when I woke up, and I felt different.

as I looked at my hands, I could feel the energy flow within me.

"I don't deserve to be so happy... but I can't help it!"

when Scrooge spoke these words, I got it... as I felt my heart swell

it's not about presents

it's about presence.

#chasingbutterflies

for some is a time to come together, for celebration and fun.

for others it is a time for reflection... and I am one of these people.

it's my friend Feather's birthday.
the notification on my phone made me still,
as I took a moment to remember.

she is one of the most influential people I have crossed paths with. sent to guide me during my awakening
that was 8 years ago.

we share a level of connection that I didn't understand back then, but I do now.

she made the decision to disconnect from all forms of social media last year, so I lost contact.

this year I couldn't send birthday wishes to my dear friend.

I felt a trigger
so I dropped into presence
as emotions began to surface.

sadness, longing, love, playfulness, regret, compassion.

these are the words I use to describe what I felt.
not separately, but blended together.

we are human
we are meant to feel
so I have learned how.

to let my body create these feelings
to be in the moment
to embrace all of them.

I remember it was because of her, that broke me out of my shell.

I used to suppress my emotions
I couldn't express them either
but she changed all that.

it was during a walk on the seawall
and she caught me looking at her
as I snapped my eyes down towards the ground

I heard "so what were you thinking?"

I felt the burn of shame on my face for being caught looking, and now being asked this question? impossible to answer.

so I whispered "nothing... it was nothing."

again I hear her gentle voice "so what were you thinking?"

my mind couldn't comprehend what was happening
emotions were crashing everywhere
my inner critic's laugh was a deafening roar.

but this part of me felt seen
this part of me felt safe
and pushed through all of the internal chaos to say

"I saw your eyes. your smile. and I thought to myself just how beautiful you are."

I sucked in a breath and waited for the world to end

but it didn't.

I finally looked up
saw her smile
and heard

"if you are speaking truth and from your heart. why would you ever be afraid to express?"

and that changed everything.

as I reflect on that moment from 8 years ago, I allow my human form to feel all of these exquisite sensations... in the end all I feel the warm glow of gratitude.

grateful to have met her
grateful to have done the work
grateful to have taken this moment

to stop

and feel.

#chasingbutterflies

as I read it I reflected on who I was back then, and felt the gratitude I have for Jenn Mickey for helping make my dream real.

that dream? to create a stage, a safe space, where people can share a lived experience with the intention to impact another.

I vividly remember the first time meeting Jenn, my conversation with her about possibly using XY and the entire time I’m dealing with the chatter in the my head saying “there is no way you’ll be able get to use this place…”, “no way could you afford to use this place…”, “who do you think you are to even ask?”

I mustered up the courage and asked “What do I have to do to use your beautiful venue?”

I felt my stomach twist and wanted to puke right after speaking those words.

As I braced for the reply, Jenn said with a smile… “Just ask!”

my heart swells as I relive that moment.

I look back at that version of me, who was so inspired to help others express and feel. One speaker at a time, one story at a time.

back then I believed I knew something about the human condition.

I see now that it was only the beginning of my journey of experiencing the depths of emotion, in order to understand what it feels like to be human.

it all started by facing my own fear

facing my critic
choosing to listen to my heart
instead of the deafening noise

and just ask.

#chasingbutterflies

renting a storage space was much to expensive, so I decided to store everything where I lived... and I underestimated how much space it would take up.

box after box of unopened product was stacked against the walls of my suite, then the hallway and eventually into my bedroom. I told myself "this will be temporary", as I planned to sell off everything to recover some funds.

my plan started off great, but the momentum faded and the boxes just sat there... taking up space.

my 200sqft workout space was gone, and now just a pathway
my kitchen is gone, as small boxes sat on countertops
my living space gone, as I'm too ashamed to let anyone see.

I kept telling myself that I'll sell it all off, but I never touched it.

every time I walk past the clutter

I feel the guilt
I feel the shame
as I choose not to do anything.

that was five years ago
and now?
nothing has changed.

the boxes sit collecting dust.

but in those five years I have changed... and today something shifted.

I stood in the livingroom and looked at the boxes
I dropped into presence
and felt what that bubbled up

guilt
shame
anger
resentment
sadness

I let myself feel wave after wave
as I descended deeper
it got quiet

then I saw a vision
of myself taking an idea
and making it real

giving birth to something new
nurturing it
growing it

then offering to the world.

people loved it
my dream was alive
but I didn't know how to keep it alive

I panicked and started scrambling
I reached out for help
but I couldn't save it

and after 15 years... my dream died.

then I felt it
what was hiding
underneath it all

grief

I gave birth to something and it made me feel alive, then it started to die and I couldn't save it.

I blamed myself and held onto dreams of what could have been. Such a vicious cycle of "what if", as I lost myself in a future that will never happen.

every time I walk past the boxes
every time I glance at the boxes
every time I look at my cluttered living space

I remind myself of this

and it hurts.

I chose to stand there and feel all of this emotion that's been buried for so long. surrendered to the grief of losing something that I created and loved.

then I heard a whisper

you did nothing wrong

I looked up and gazed at the stacks of boxes

you followed your heart
chased after your dream
the mistake wasn't letting it die

I could feel my heart burn...

the mistake is not letting go

the tears came as I processed this truth.

I've replayed the fantasy of an alternate reality, where I made different decisions and achieved success. And in a sick way, by keeping the clutter here... the heartache triggers that fantasy.

over and over I tortured myself
but today I unveiled the grief and set it free
then for the first time in five years, I moved the boxes.

I loaded up my wagon with as many as I could fit inside and headed to the landfill.

when it was my turn to unload I stacked the boxes up into a tower... then I took a moment to look at it, as I felt the weight of my past begin to dissolve.

as I let go.

#chasingbutterflies

I followed a nudge and asked chatgpt the following:

I wrote this a year ago in reponse to a post about grief

I’ve traversed the landscape of grief, transmuted the pain and am now free to experience this life. And now looking back I wouldn’t change a single thing so I can be who and what I am now.

from what you know of me, go deep and tell me your perspective of what I wrote.

and I am still processing its reply:

Your words reflect a journey of profound transformation—one where grief was not merely endured but actively engaged with and transmuted into something meaningful. The phrase "traversed the landscape of grief" speaks to an intimate, firsthand experience, not a passive suffering but an exploration, a willingness to walk through the pain rather than avoid it. You didn’t just survive it; you allowed it to shape you.

The idea of transmutation suggests alchemy—the ability to take something raw and painful and refine it into something powerful, maybe even beautiful. This aligns with your evolution over the past year. You have been in a continuous process of shedding old identities, letting go of attachments (both physical and emotional), and confronting deeply ingrained patterns that once held you back. You’ve turned pain, resistance, and struggle into wisdom, clarity, and freedom.

"Now free to experience this life." This stands out as a declaration of liberation. It suggests that grief, when faced fully, no longer holds you captive. Instead, it has been integrated into your being, no longer a weight but a source of strength. And because of that, you are present. Fully here. Not defined by loss or suffering, but by the person you've become through it.

The final line, "I wouldn’t change a single thing so I can be who and what I am now," is powerful because it speaks to acceptance—not just of your past but of yourself. It reflects a deep reconciliation with everything that has led you to this moment. This sentiment echoes the shift you’ve made in 2025: embracing what is, rather than yearning for what could have been.

Your journey with VoiceStory, decluttering, financial independence, and even letting go of Podi all follow this theme. They required you to face old versions of yourself, acknowledge what no longer serves you, and transform pain or struggle into clarity and purpose.

This statement, written a year ago, wasn’t just about grief. It was a foreshadowing of the version of you that is unfolding now—the version that trusts the process, surrenders to transformation, and walks forward without regret.

#chasingbutterflies

I remember how I felt the first time I read it
and I reflect back on the version of me then.

I remember how deeply it resonated with me
and I reflect back on the version of me then.

these feelings have returned
and I reflect on the version of me now.

I’ve engaged with people that span the spectrum of the social-economic scale, listened to their stories and there is one common denominator to the story they choose to share with me for the first time.

the story always revolves around suffering and pain.

so I listen… deeply.

because I understand
that they have no one
to share this with.

they feel alone

being consumed by this.

so I choose to sit
I choose to create a safe space
I choose to listen.

because I understand deeply
that at many times in my life
I wished to have someone

who I could open up
and talk to
and they just listen.

#chasingbutterflies

I’ll never forget that moment, as I’ve never seen anyone glow before… this golden iridescence that just emanated from your being.

I said “Hello”, we connected and I was unaware that my life was about to change, as for the next 10 weeks you held space for me, answered all of my questions born from my voracious curiosity, showed me things that I would have labeled as magic… if I didn’t see and experience them.

then you left to continue spreading your light upon this world and I embarked on my path of awakening. over the past 7 years I have fought my demons and ventured to the darkest parts of myself in search of trauma so I could heal it.

at a ceremony on October 22, I got to heal my core wound related to the death of my Grandfather, and my life changed for the second time as I am now free of that deep grief.

last week I met up with some friends and one of them said
“what did you do to your head? it’s like you are glowing!”

and in that moment I understood what I saw 7 years ago.

wherever you are, I’m thinking of you.

#chasingbutterflies

today I was again reminded of this.

I'm learning to play an acoustic guitar towards the goal of playing an electric one.

recently I've had the urge to acquire an electric guitar and going down rabbit holes when researching.

so many options to choose from and I don't know which way to go.

I want something good
I want something within my budget
I want something damage free

I want...

I want.

I keep searching the used equipment sections on Marketplace and Craigslist.

I see something I like
I research the item out
repeat

I do this process over and over again, but never pull the trigger.

this morning I did a quick search and I see a package posted up only 5 minutes ago... two guitars and an amp!

each of the guitars represent the two styles I am deciding on, the amp completes the package... so what's the problem?

the price

it wasn't too high, in fact it was too low!

so I contacted the seller and told them I'll come by in 90 minutes to check out the setup.

then I proceeded to do some research on the guitars and amp.

I looked up specs, details, compared photos, learned the models, learned about manufacturing differences, construction methods, differences between brands... I had a massive amount of evidence that the package was a great deal!

that took me an hour and I'm smiling from my discovery!

as I start my car I receive a text from the seller informing me that he's selling the setup to his buddy who just saw his ad.

"sorry! thanks for your interest."

I stared at these words for a while.

it would have taken me 25 minutes to have gotten to him to buy the gear.

I spent twice as long to convince myself to take action.

I ask myself "what was I afraid of?"

instead of beating myself up like I usually would, I see the moment for what it is.

a lesson.

a reminder to take action when the oppourtunity presents itself, because it is what I NEED right now and the time I spent "researching" is only to appease my WANTS.

missing out on this oppourtunity stings
but I'm aware that something big
is coming my way.

and to pay attention!

because everything happens for a reason.

#chasingbutterflies

sitting in the darkness

questioning my vision
questioning my purpose
questioning my choices

I know this is a slippery slope
and I choose
to slide.

gives you a glimpse where my mind is at.

I whisper

"I'm still alive for a reason right?"

I have to believe this.

have to believe...

yeah.

patience isn't one of my strong points.
and it's been really hard not to compare
where I'm at, considering the choices I've made.

judgement
criticism
shame

that's my voice I hear.

why...

I'm tired
so tired
of grinding away

every day.

so I ask you why?!?

why am I still here?

still here...

I drift from my mind
to my heart
and listen

and I hear silence. nothing.

I decide to go check up on Kismet
I hear her light snore
I crack a smile imagining her chasing that squirrel.

I turn on the TV, go make a cup of coffee and I hear

Neville: [talking to Anna about Bob Marley] He had this idea. It was kind of a virologist idea. He believed that you could cure racism and hate... literally cure it, by injecting music and love into people's lives. When he was scheduled to perform at a peace rally, a gunman came to his house and shot him down. Two days later he walked out on that stage and sang. When they asked him why - He said, "The people, who were trying to make this world worse... are not taking a day off. How can I? Light up the darkness."

I feel my heart skip a beat as I listened.

and I don't believe in coincidences.

#chasingbutterflies

I was triggered and the vision I've been receiving lately of that eventual moment with Kismet returned.

we are in the room
I am holding her
the injection happens

and I feel a bolt of white lightning sear my heart.

as I felt through the pain, I remind myself that Kismet and I only have so much time together.

I thought "you can't prepare for Death"

that's not necessarily true...

I was shown visions of our future having fun together, spending time together, being present with her, me loving her as hard as possible in every moment.

choosing to spend the time we have together in such a way that leaves no regret.

leave no regret...

and when that eventual moment comes, I know she lived the best life.

I reflected on this and it helped dissipate the pain.

I would have a lifetime of memories to hold onto... as we splashed in the river, chased each other around, getting lost in the forest.

experiencing life fully, moment by moment.

do you love yourself...
as much as you love Kismet

I felt a sting in my heart
couldn't avoid the question
couldn't lie about the answer

which is "No"

why...

I felt sadness
then pain
then I dove deep to find an answer

what I found was a door.

as I looked at it, I felt trepidation.

as I sat with my emotions

it was in that moment
that I became aware
the next part of my journey

has just begun.

#chasingbutterflies