A-is-for-anxiety

The Life of David Gale.

2011-03-14T05:26:00.000-07:00

Making your life count - that is an important question that anyone with half a brain and a social conscience will address at some point. It has been disturbing me for a while.

There are many related questions: "What is your calling?" "Does the life you lead and gifts you possess match?" "Is this what you want to do with the rest of your life?"

I think the question of happiness rests somewhere here as well. If you are not feeling fulfilled, you are not in a sense acting according to your own nature.

"The Life of David Gale" explores these questions. Combining a social conscience with the question of human meaning, philosophical issues are explored through the lenses of a convicted murderer (Kevin Spacey) and an investigative journalist (Kate Winslet). What was most thought provoking was how the issue of capital punishment rests to a large extent upon competing philosophical anthropologies. Are we at bottom selfish individuals, kept in check by the blunts instruments of carrot and stick? Or are human beings capable of a higher calling - one that on occasion demands self sacrifice and so explicitly recognizes a greater good?

This is not the greatest film ever made and it would not be in my top ten. But the issues explored are significantly important and the performances good enough to warrant a watch.

"That's mean!"

2010-09-25T03:33:00.000-07:00

When we suggest that something is 'mean', we tend to disassociate the meaning 'to be average' with nastiness, lack of generosity or cruelty.

But if we think about it - these terms are linked. When we lack generosity we might only be giving the average and not over stretching ourselves. When we are being nasty, we are detracting from an abundance of possibilities and belittle that person. When we are cruel, the cruelty lies in hindering the other person, stopping them from fulfilling their nature or full potential.

To be mean is about control. By controlling something, we limit and inhibit. That 'the mean' is one form of average used in math, indicates something about the nature of mathematics and the naming of entities.

Think of the following statement: "On average, a UK citizen will cheat on their spouse twice in their lifetime."

This tells us nothing of the many instances of 'cheating', nor about the various reasons why people might actually cheat. The statement lacks imagination. Nor does it question what is meant by cheating or why couples choose to make a commitment to each other. This statement really is mean.

"You're an idiot!"

2010-09-17T03:40:00.000-07:00

There is little more idiotic than calling someone a idiot. What exactly is the name caller trying to do? Consider a few possibilities:

(1) The person being called an idiot really is stupid. So what? What would such affirmation actually achieve, apart from upsetting the victim?

"Gee, thanks, I really never thought about it that way before. Cheers for your feedback!"

(2) Then name caller feels a little insecure and can't work out why 'the idiot' is talking and behaving in a certain way. In these circumstances, the fault lies with the person doing the labeling. If you cannot understand someone, this does not mean they are behaving in a stupid way - the contrary might actually be true.

(3) The name caller probably has an emotional insecurity and needs to reaffirm his supposed superiority. Yet, this stance actually betrays the name caller's lack of authority. If one person is less intelligent than another, this does not make them a lesser person. The most clever person may have evil intentions, forever finding creative means of manipulating people. But this very person, becomes less lovable, because of how they behave.

Given a choice, I would take affection over intelligence any day.

"Taking Ownership' and other corporate double-speak.

2010-08-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

The tyrant wants to be all encompassing. He wants to control your physical movements, how you spend your time and even what you think.

In 'The West', we now believe that we have a large measure of political freedom. Yet, our lives are very much controlled by the small number of global businesses that have huge sway, even over national governments.

Tyranny have become more subtle. It is not people's lives or families that are physically threatened. Rather, people are managed through the the arousal of non-essential needs, the counter part of which is readily available credit to the most compliant of consumers.

People's 'souls' are at risk.

Competition is encouraged. By wanting to 'better' our neighbors, impetus is given to the buying mechanism. Technological development means that the desire to have the latest gadgets are short lived. If on Tuesday, we have the latest and greatest new mobile phone in the market, by Saturday our neighbor may have upgraded to the newest car model.

In competition, winning is short lived. Yet, the fear of failure is all-encompassing.

In the workplace, our boss may whisper in our ear about 'taking ownership' for our performance. The notion of taking ownership, however, can so very easily be a form of double-speak. It may mean, accepting all directives from above without question. All this term actually means, is taking responsibility for arbitrary targets, set in a artificial meeting room by middle managers, who on the whole manage statistical outcomes, not people.

Large business may also have a commitment to charity. The whole notion of charity is a superficial one. It does not concern itself with the notion of social justice, but with delivering outcomes for the most impoverished or needy of world citizens. The 'caring side' of business, must therefore be taken with a huge pinch of salt. It is against big business interest to have the open wounds of the most impoverished in our society uncared for. This would raise questions would about the structure of the society in which we live. That is against big business interest.

"Don't bite the hand that feeds.'

The ambiguity of a caring-exploitive framework is sure to confuse. 'You say that we exploit our workers and our customers but the business every year donates twenty million to charities." "You say that we are unconcerned about our workforce but we have support mechanisms, such as contributory health schemes and a free counseling service available to everyone."

One of the biggest lies is that thinking positively can change your life. One of my favorite film scenes is Monty Python's 'Life of Brian.' Brian, at the end of the film is on the cross. He and the others being crucified start singing, "Always Look On The Bright Side of Life.' It is the equivalent of putting your head in the sand. Whistle and ignore the pain and things will get better, remembering to ignore the centurion hammering the nail through your bloody and quivering hand.

Life can be tough but taking responsibility does not mean taking ownership for pre-subscribed outcomes.

Like Jesus in the market place, it is okay to be angry. Anger can be fueled by the injustices that we witness in our everyday lives.

Taking ownership means having a commitment to truth. To be committed to truth is about developing a questioning frame of mind; not in order to display a superior intelligence, so that we might advance in our career- but so that we can learn to appreciate the beauty of the simple things and be in awe of our very existence.

It is always easier not to question. We might then resemble happy people.

Film: No Country For Old Men

2010-08-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

As is often the case, when you first stumble upon something great, you might barely recognize it. Like a casual conversation with a psychopathic killer, one probably won't recognize the individual as a psychopath. This film adaptation of Cormac McCarthy's novel - is such an occasion. On first viewing the film, I thought the movie was clever but unessential.

Still, something kept drawing me back. It just wasn't the raving reviews of many friends. Behind this story about an unexplained killer - there was something lurking that I had not understood.

The first clue is that Javier Bardem's character Anton Chigurh has no sense of humor. Everything is taken with deadly seriousness. What this demonstrates is an overbearing vanity. If one was to incarnate an argument for determination within one individual, it would come in the form of Anton Chigurh. Before several killings. Anton will toss a coin - leaving the responsibility to fate. This refusal to take personal responsibility is suggestive an individual who might believe that he is carrying out a mission on earth. The killer is ultra confident..., what happens is meant to be.

One can contrast this outlook with Tommy Lee Jones character, Ed Tom Bell, a police sheriff close to retirement. Despite his years and expertise, he is unsure and uncertain about the nature of the new threat to his community. It is also a personal journey for Ed. He is aware of how events in life can appear random. Often investigations have to remain unexplained. To ponder upon the nature of life and come up short of answers, demonstrates humility and a caring attitude. But in one telling scene, Ed confesses that he thought that when he grew old, he might find God.

This failure to find God - and the psychopathic killer, is no mere coincidence. The demonic nature of Chigurh, a man without a soul, centres around the theme of 'soulfulness.'

To be soulful is to question and not always understand. To be soulful means taking responsibility for one's own life, despite random occurrences, in the knowledge that even the best laid plans can be ruined.

Ed Tom Bell's failure as a police sheriff and as a man, lies in his inability to put everything at risk.

His search for an explanation for Chigurh's activity is doomed from the beginning. By trying to understand the soul-less nature of the killer, the very possibility of a godless universe would open up, putting at risk his very own soul.

The failure to take that risk, demonstrates a lack of faith.

This film is utterly profound.

Wake up!

2010-07-31T03:49:00.000-07:00

"Wake up! How many people really know that they are alive!" So bellowed Jim Morrison in a live concert recording of The Doors in my youth, thirty years after the recording took place.

The appeal of this sermonizing from a Rock God, lay in all what was unspoken in my life as a sixteen year old. The unquestioned necessity to get a job ASAP. In my household, the issue was making a living, full stop. Questions about fulfillment were never even discussed. The music raised the questions no one was asking.

The question about human fulfillment is a difficult one, for it creates uncertainty. There is the possibility that you will start working against other peoples' expectations.

Maybe the factory job is not what you want to do with your life. Nor is the marriage and the 2.4 children. Perhaps family and friends will resent the fact that you even dare question the ways in which they are living. Wanting to do something else may be viewed as a veiled form of criticism.

Eighteen years on and I finally know what I want to do. It will take a little time to prepare the funds to jump. I have to hold back from the temptation to escape every weekend. I will hold firm, knowing that in a short period of time - I will have finally started living my own life.

Philip Roth: Everyman

2010-07-28T10:44:00.000-07:00

This short novel starts with a funeral. Friends and family of the departed are gathered, standing by a grave in a Jewish Cemetery. The most remarkable observation is just how ordinary this scene is. The most obvious fact of our life is that one day, we too will have died. This fictional beginning is paradoxical. This fictional beginning touches upon the end of our facticity.

The book then describes a life of mistakes, of unthinking self interest and ultimately grace. Throughout this very ordinary life, there is no real security as everything is in flux. Broken marriages, sibling rivalry and sexual desire liter the pages, describing a half formed life not fully lived.

There is also an allegorical quality to this work. The main character is a secular Jew. Yet, for all the disasters that happen, allusions are made to the Book of Job. Every disaster signals a stripping away of perceived security.

This allegory links the religiosity of Judaism with a secularist American outlook. Indeed, the title of the book, Everyman, is the name given to a Jewelry shop stripped of a Jewish signifier. This book therefore deals with cultural aspects of Jewish society, describing how one family integrated itself.

Still, it would be wrong to suggest that this is a book is primarily written for American Jews. As the title suggests, the book is for everyman. The disasters described are part of a process of learning humility and finally accepting death.

This small book is poetical. Words grace the pages and read like a hymn.

A head full of sweetie mice.

2010-07-24T03:36:00.000-07:00

There are various methodologies that we can employ to stop thinking authentically. To think authentically, means confronting issues in a critical manner that goes beyond our self interests. This can be a painful process.

(1) Labeling: There are many examples. "William is a nut!" "His head is full of sweetie mice!" "He lacks confidence."

Often when we label, we give ourselves permission to stop thinking on an issue. We employ a thought-stop. By labeling someone 'a nut,' we naturalize their behaviour, so that we can stop thinking about why they are behaving in a particular way. What we are effectively saying is this: "William's abnormal behaviour has nothing to do with how he has been treated - that is just the way he is."

(2) De-humanize.

In times of conflict, it is easy to take part in mass murder, if we de-humanize the enemy. We can do this by simplifying the characteristics of a whole nation. We deny depth, not meaning. So during World War Two, the allies might characterize the Germans for their 'cold efficiency.' Still, if we think at all, we know that not all Germans are cold or efficient. Likewise, individuals can change all the time. So why do we characterize and deny people their natural ability to grow?

When we characterize people as lazy or stupid, we are de-humanizing them somewhat, because change is more human than the stale caricatures we normally work with in our everyday lives.

Change in others can also be interpreted as an affront to our own stagnation.

(3) Escapism:

There are many means of 'escape.' The obvious ones are alcohol, drugs and computer games. We might even consider some of the major arts: literature, music, sculpture. There is a sense of rapture in such escape, a gorgeous release from the difficulties we encounter constantly. This can be a good thing, such as when a patient is given painkillers after surgery. If the patient gets addicted to painkillers, however, that is a different matter.

To keep an open mind: that is the thing.

Is Romanic Love an Obsessive Compulsion?

2010-07-22T02:54:00.000-07:00

We tend to think of mental illness as something that only happens to the few. We like to think that way, due to the real difficulty we have of confronting our own emotional and spiritual problems. Yet, from an anthropological point of few, the idea that only a few people will suffer from serious mental illness at some point in their life is absurd.

We all get physically sick. We get chicken pox, german measles and an array of unnamed 'bugs'. We do not treat these with any sense of embarrassment. Human beings, however, have real difficultly confronting emotional pain head on. This, I believe, is a big part of the trouble when dealing with mental illness.

To offer one example, someone in the mist of Romantic Love displays all the traits of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. (OCD) The individual can forget about long standing friends, their credit card bills and their course or work responsibilities. Nothing else matters apart from what is in the centre of the obsessive's gaze. In addition to this - is it possible that two people can reinforce each other, both suffering from the same disorder. This 'double lock' - reinforces the compulsion.

At some point, however, 'real life' will click in. Maybe the bills weren't getting paid and the house is repossessed - or maybe a baby is expected, throwing the courtship off course. Three is a crowd after all.

My argument is that all obsession is a devious refusal to get well. When we avoid the real challenges that life throws at us, it is easy to regress into a fantastic fantasy - the rest of the world becomes like a phantom as what persists is a sense of unreality in our everyday lives. This 'unreality' litters the history of western philosophy. To question what is real, is to ask about the nature of Being - the fundamental task of all philosophy. Note that this task is also closely connected with love.

When I say that Romantic Love is one form OCD can take, I don't mean to suggest that all love is an obsession. When we truly care about another person, we are able to look beyond our own needs and recognize that the beloved is a separate human being, with an unique outlook and journey to take. Sometimes, this might mean letting someone make their own mistakes. Or, it might mean letting go of a friend we have known for years.

Nothing ever stays still. Life is painful. By accepting this pain, we learn how to grow and become wise. By rejecting this pain, we try to become children again, playing games of make believe.

We get to choose every minute which path to take.

being attentive to the unconscious and dream analysis

2010-07-17T03:14:00.000-07:00

In M. Scott Peck's seminal work, The Road Less Travelled, one of the main conclusions is that we should remain attentive to our own dreams. They are, in Scott's opinion, a language that we should attend to. By attending to this language, we can start to listen to what the unconscious has to say to the conscious mind. Moreover, the symbols and practice of attending to one's dreams he considers positive. This difficult work of confronting the contents of the unconscious should be considered a means of extending oneself and of aiding spiritual growth.

On a haphazard basis, I have occasionally thought about the contents of my own dreams but this week I have paid more attention.

Last night i dreamt I was in an airplane. I was right in the front and to my left were three or four empty seats. The senior stewardess, stood beside me to make an announcement.

We were half way home from the Canary Islands. She mentioned there was no need for panic, but that there was an emergency on board. We would have to land the plane. There would be an ambulance waiting to take care of the issue.

The next thing I remember, I was outside, watching as we came into land somewhere in France, on what appeared to be a ring road. A moment later, I was told that a person on board had passed away.

I then woke up feeling relieved. This is not the sort of reaction that you might expect, after hearing someone had died.

While thinking about this dream, I have many associations that really make sense to me as the dreamer. The sense of a specific journey, the feeling of being on a plane, the emergency landing and then finally the death.

There is a reason why I have been to Tenerife three times since last October. The notion of being on a plane journey is also important - once you are up in the air, you have no control over your destination. You only regain control once you land. So the emergency landing is also significant - and the death of the person is actually symbolic of the end of one specific dream. My journey with that dream, (note: not real person) has been aborted.

Without going into specific detail - I now feel able to walk away from a situation in my life, without any feelings of ill will or regret. What has happened has come to pass.

A delusional frame of mind.

2010-07-14T09:20:00.000-07:00

It is amazing the lies that we tell ourselves.

There are those who believe that they are members of a very select few, who have been granted immortality by the author of all creation.

There are those who believe that they are destined for stardom, to be adorned and adored by millions across the globe.

There are those who convince themselves that their words will be discovered years after death, to be celebrated and discussed for millennia to come.

There are the pitiful loners, who delude themselves that when the stars align, their beloved will come rushing home.

We all on occasion need affection and recognition. Yet, when this is lacking, it is so tempting to self-mythologize, to lie and convince ourselves that our day will come.

On that day, all pain will be forgotten and all history wiped clean.

Bi Polar Decoder.

2010-06-28T02:49:00.000-07:00

Being stuck in a rut for fifteen years isn't much fun. Despite being a philosophy graduate, there has been some part of me that has failed to grasp the maxim: "know thyself."

Not really knowing what you want out of life, one becomes like a ship that is battered from side to side; the tide and winds determining where you will eventually end up. The random occurrence of events, gives a puff of hope in a mundane world lacking in deliberation.

Yet, there is so much one can change.

My moods ravage me wildly, from ecstatic states that thrill and let me forget my pain, to the doldrums of depression, where there is a faint hope that I might whither away and sink deep below the surface of things.

Alcohol plays a big factor; the highs get higher and the lows lower. Like a bi polar decoder, the beauty of the world can be experienced in 3D widescreen with surround sound - while the pain and intensity of the smallest pin prick can whither me away into a mumbling wreck.

The trouble is with the lows. It is difficult to deal with such pain. To drink more can elevate these downs. Such self medication leads to the thorny issue of alcohol dependency. Drinking under these circumstances is never a solution - just a temporary reprieve on the corridors of death row.

Human relationships also become problematic. In a society where everyone drinks to celebrate, to commiserate - at weddings and concerts, nights out and nights in - there seems to be no escape. Then try telling your friends that you want to give up drink. One is expected to justify why you have chosen not to put one of the most dangerous drugs known to humanity into your your own body. It is as if your friends actually own you.

When you try to make a stand - it is then you discover how much people actually take you for granted. You are expected to attend this and that - you are meant to behave in such a manner. When you want to change your life and your circumstances - all of this will become disrupted. People will not know what to make of your 'erratic' behaviour. They may even become offended.

For a long time - I have been part of a matrix of mutual dependancy. At ten forty five every Saturday morning, my friends know where to find me. This has long been the case but neither have I got any closer to fulfilling my dreams. I have been going around in circles.

It was Ghandi who said that sometimes it is important to be in a minority of one but be living in the truth.

Too much choice.

2010-06-18T07:26:00.000-07:00

I am easily distracted. I have two credit cards with thousands of pounds of available credit. I also have a large overdraft and thirty days off a year to go mad.

When you work in a mind numbing job, sometimes going mad really appeals. It is as if by losing yourself, you can also lose the pain of the unfulfilled dreams, the girlfriends that might have been and the hampered ambitions of youth.

Not to sound melodramatic - but the prisoner lives with certain advantages. He knows how long he has to serve. Once he accepts that, he can begin to develop and enrich his life. He might study for a degree, write a novel or learn to speak a second language.

In a 'free' society - it is all too easy to get distracted. In order to overcome the distractions of drink, numerous holidays and impulse buying, you need to also think about how easy it is to dig yourself into a financial hole.

It is not the grim reaper who is to be feared but a well polished salesman with the broadest of smiles, telling why you simply need the BM and detached house, in order to feel equal to your peers.

There is too much choice and far too little self control.

Beer Hall Republic, Glasgow.

2010-02-26T03:43:00.000-08:00

I spent a magical afternoon here a few days ago. Magical because it is always great drinking in the afternoon during a week day. One gains a sense of freedom, no matter how often one is reminded that such escape is only temporary. It was magical because below street level there is hidden a treasure trove of world beers to be tasted and sampled.

It was magical because there works here an ozzy barmaid who is utterly beautiful and appeared to go by the name of Viper. Her name was magical, especially for an Australian but it was too good to be true..., when her shift ended the next barmaid also had the name of Viper on the reciept. No matter, she was helpful and friendly without being overbearing. She was also charming, partly because she had a very shy smile for someone so physically striking.

There was an array of Pizza. The Wild Boar and the Duck was particularly tastey. This was perfect beer food to soak up the alcohol and prepare for another round.

This is the type of place a great Russian writer might while away the daylight hours, dreaming of the next masterpeice while observing all around him. This is the kind of place cut away from throngs of everyday life. This was a place for busy contemplation.

It was snowing outside. Not that one needed an excuse to remain, tucked away undergrond below the streets in the centre of Glasgow. One could could easily remain here for years without getting bored. It was also a place full of forgetfulness. It was a place to forget the trival issues of everyday concerns.

I will remember to return one day.

St. Valentine's Day Blues

2010-02-16T03:18:00.000-08:00

It is only right that single people respect this day as a special day - a day for couples to make a point in reminding each other of their love.

One could go on for thousands of words writing about how crass and commercial this day has become. The lovely dovey marketing of the marketeers, is like a waiter who has a wind problem at an intimate dinner date. There will always be those who seek a profit in what is beautiful.

This day can be difficult for single people though. For those whose love has passed away, betrayed them or simply been unable to love back, it can be heartbreaking. One can be reminded constantly about what is absent. The ultimate sin is for 'good intentioned' couples to try and give their single friends advice, as if they possessed some higher understanding of the Platonic sun.

The truth is that there is no secret formula. It is only possible to be connected to someone, when you recognize what is special and individual about them. Then there comes acceptance, which is really only the by-product of such a connection.

Still, for many single people this day can pass like any other. Individuals can be content in their own company and do not always crave company. Such singletons are blessed.

The Beauty of A.

2010-02-02T10:45:00.000-08:00

I know a woman. She is beautiful. She likes to be reminded that she is beautiful. And by aknowledging her beauty, it is as if there is a connection, a sacred tie between her and I.

In her absence, I cannot comment on her beauty. Or if I do, by writing words down and trying to make things clear, I am only really commenting on my memory. I cannot smell her scent or taste the flavours of her company. The light that travelled between us, travelled light years ago.

In my absence, she has found herself a man. He can be with her and remind her of her beauty. There is no jealousy, just a joy tinged with sadness - for I know she can now be happy.

On the day that my mother left my father, I am still thinking of her.

Charles Bukowski: Women

2010-01-22T05:59:00.000-08:00

So the obsession continues. I read another novel by Charles Bukowski. The book starts by proclaiming that as a fifty year old, the narrator had not been laid in four years. What then follows is a parade of graphic descriptions of various encounters with women.

There is lots of humour contained within this. The absurdity of a fat ugly old man pulling women thirty years younger is highly entertaining. What it does do, however, is question the relationship between men and various women. It also focuses upon the priorities that these women hold when conducting their lives.

Bukowski is too much of an artist to come up with a generalized answer but something has changed since he became a named author.

Some women seem to be attracted to his reputation as a womanizer. Others like his unpredictability and are bored by the standards of the in-crowd. Others still, who do not know of his reputation, are discovered to be prostitutes plying their trade.

As the work comes to an end, boredom starts to fester. Some very telling comments are then made. He says that men like lots of women as a compensation for being unable to find the one good woman. He also tries to discuss his predicament with various women who he has slept with- but with utter failure. When he says that he did not understand what love was because of his upbringing, his intimate friends fly away, unable to connect on an emotional level.

There is a promise at the end of the novel that he might have found the one good woman; a women who held out and did not sleep with him straight away. He cannot be sure. He refuses the advances of a nineteen year old who 'wants to discuss her writing' - but he knows that he has only been successful this once.

The novel ends with a stray cat moving in. Animals, he maintains, know intuitively who the good guys are.

Going to the baths.

2009-11-04T04:51:00.000-08:00

When I was about five or six, my grandfather would bring me to 'the baths' every week. Baths was my grandfather's way of referring to the swimming pool. This reference can help unload a whole history of personal hygiene.

It was the early eighties. My maternal grandparents still lived in a house without a bathroom in a Protestant working class district of Belfast. I still remember clearly the tin bath that hung on the wall out in the yard, where the toilet was also located. Years later, when I read descriptions of the living conditions in George Orwell's 'Road To Wigan Pier', my mind would be cast back to this house, giving my imagination leverage.

It is easy to imagine the discomfort and cold in the early hours of a December morning, lying in bed needing to use the toilet. Would one need to go bad to enough to brave the cold in the rain or snow, with the wind cutting through your night time attire?

The effort of filling and topping up the tin bath in front of a blazing fire, would take so much effort and time, that it was profitable for the city council to have bathing locations, that later become swimming pools.

I am only 34 - still I remember such conditions still existing in my grandparents' household. It is amazing how much more comfort we live in today compared with two generations ago.

Personal hygiene habits have also changed greatly. It is a matter of course now to shower every morning as a minimum. Back then, it would have been a case of filling up a basin and washing from this most days. Having a bath was a treat!

Going to the swimming pool today, I was reminded of all this. It is amazing how quickly our standards have changed. We take take so much so granted now, such as indoor bathrooms!

Lyrics: All Along The Watchtower

2009-10-27T03:26:00.000-07:00

'All Along The Watchtower' was written and originally performed by Bob Dylan but more familiar versions are those by Jimi Hendrix and U2. I first heard the U2 version when I was fifteen years old. I loved the song but the lyrics always mystified me. They are sparse and have very little detail..., to the extent that I thought that there must be verses missing.

Roll on nineteen years. I am back from a holiday in Tenerife; a holiday that has really challenged the way I live my life and think about the world.

One of the things I lacked on Holiday was access to my music collection, so on Sunday I had an opportunity to put on some music and get a good dose. There is little I like more than laying back on my bed, blasting some music and pondering the meaning of life. I hadn't listened to Hendrix in a while and thought this might do the trick.

When Hendrix's version of 'All Along The Watchtower' came on, the experiences I had on holiday started to click with the lyrics and it all started to make sense.

First, I met lots of intelligent people working out there who did not want to be stuck back home in the rat race. This may surprise some people, for the common image of typical Spanish holiday resort is of idiots abroad who want nothing more than to drink and fornicate. While this element did exist, some people have to be given more credit.

Second, since I originally graduated back in 2000, I have been in two minds. Sometimes I wanted the security of a job. At other times, especially when things were really bad - I wanted to escape this. I have been to London (which is still highly recommended), went back to university to study for a MA and struggled to find a graduate level job. What I discovered is that none of this really matters. I have been half fooling myself for far too long.

The first verse hits the spot well:

"There must be somewhere out here, said the joker to the thief.
There is too much confusion. I can't get no relief.
Businessman they drink my wine. Ploughman dig my earth.
And all along the line, no one knows what it is worth."

This sums up so much how I have been feeling. There is the confusion and lack of direction, the disorientation and the loss of real value. The archetypical characters of the joker and the thief are those who live on the outside of society and so can look in with a critical eye.

Then the second verse:

"No need to get excited. The thief he kindly spoke.
There are many among us, who feel that life is but a joke.
but you and I we've been through that.
And that is not our fate. So let us not talk falsely now.
The hour is getting late."

This verse is utterly brilliant. These two characters you would not normally expect to have access to 'truth' are those of the joker and the thief. The joker is someone who normally challenges everyday reality and most would assume that he tells an untruth to amuse 'normal' people. When really, the joker is in earnest - he does not see that life is a joke. The thief transgresses normal reality by not adhering to the normal values of society. This transgression brings into question the 'laws of the land.'

Then finally the conclusion:

"All along the watchtower, princes kept the view
While all the women came and went, barefoot servants too.
Outside in the cold distance, a wildcat did growl,
two riders were approaching, the wind began to howl."

The final insight: the societal values that most of us hold dear also preserve vested interests. The notion of women coming and going may relate in part of Celine's 'Journey To The End of The Night', where a similar scene is painted. (I have read somewhere that Dylan was a big fan.)

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! What have I been doing with my life? Time to push on with the book and get it finished in the next two weeks. Whether it gets published or not..., it is time to give myself more time.

PR's in hell.

2009-10-26T03:58:00.000-07:00

Public relations in hell is a tough job but it helps if you are a good looking and chatty individual who knows how to identify the buying signals. Hell looks something like Veronica's strip in Tenerife, where an army of people want to bring you into bars, strip joints and lighten your wallet by selling other tat.

This is naked capitalism, stripped of the 'respectable' sales of high street brands and corporate 'cleanliness'. There are presumably aspects of the business here that are illegal and such illegality helps reinforce the supposed moral high ground of the established order.

The difference, however, is not as great as it seems. When the first taxes were introduced a few thousand years ago, this would have seemed like nothing more than a protection racket. Yet we accept unquestionably the divine right of national governments to impose taxes to pay for hospitals, roads, a police service and standing army. This racket certainly has it's benefits but the activity has become naturalized. The question mark has vanished.

Whether such activity is deemed legal or illegal, does not get beyond the issue of how people live off the activities of each other. People will sell to each other the essentials of life, such as water and food. This is rarely gifted. People will also play on each other affections. As any good sales person will know, it is easier to sell to someone if that person actually likes you - no matter what the product being sold is.

And of course - we all need to make a living. The blame should not always be placed on the shoulders of individuals. Narratives of legality make us focus on the actions of particular individuals and sometimes people do have to be brought to account. Still, the over all framework of how we live with each other is generally ignored.

Call me an idealist. The one thing that I yearn for in life is to find evidence of unconditional love. This I would describe as a gift given freely without expectation of any return.

Depression

2009-10-14T05:20:00.000-07:00

When the media talk about depression, more often than not they will focus upon the individual. They will talk about depression as an illness and will include within this discussion the array of treatments available - such as drugs and various therapies.

Such thinking is politically biased. By placing the responsibility for recovery on the individual, treatments already pre-suppose a judgement about the very nature of depression.

I have never suffered from sever forms of depression - I have never seriously contemplated taking my own life for instance. In such circumstances, outside intervention may be justified. (Already one is working within a standard set of criteria. How much can one argue that 'honour suicides' in ancient Japanese culture be a result of depression?)

Like most people, I have often suffered mild depression. Thinking about how this has arisen enlightens falsities within the standard debates on mental illness.

When I get 'depressed' - this normally happens when certain circumstances conspire to make me powerless. In work, were power structures are rigorously imposed, the injustices of being treated in various ways can get me down.

So say, for instance, a silly rule is imposed on the workforce generally. Imagine that employees are only allowed to go to the toilet once outside of allocated breaks on any given day. At first glance, this may seem reasonable. Your employer is paying you for your time and does not expect to be paying while you are on the brick reading a newspaper.

But then consider, why such a rule has to be formalized in such a way. Have a few 'bad apples' ruined it for everyone? Why then not deal with the individuals concerned? Why impose order onto the whole workforce in such a way?

I would argue that such a formal approach helps the workforce self-regulate. Managers, if they are any good as managers, actually want to do very little hands on management. Better to delegate this responsibility collectively and have the workforce stay compliant through self-regulation.

So why does all this get me down? Such rules remind me of my powerlessness within these circumstances. My self-worth is effected because I am not being treated as an individual but as a number when I operate within theses structures. I am only treated as an individual when I deviate, when I break a rule and then I am taken to account.

Depression, as a medical category, is a way of treating deviant behaviour. Not only should one remain and operate within the rules of the workplace, one should also remain happy and cheerful - especially in sales type roles! It is not enough to have compliant behaviours, one should also have compliant thoughts and complaint moods.

It is actually okay to be down sometimes. It is part of a range of human emotions that are necessary to function in a healthy way. Recognizing when one is depressed can also help identify ones own priorities and values in life. It is part of the inner voice that can be contrary to the wider pressures within the environment.

I like to try and imagine a Wittgenstein or Einstein in my circumstances to see how they might have coped. They would have suffered greatly I am sure. Not that I can be compared to such people..., but it helps illustrate my point.

I am a unique individual who will not take sole responsibility for any depression I suffer - especially when that depression is understood within the context of a deviant or abnormal mode of being within the world.

Tenerife Holiday

2009-10-11T04:35:00.001-07:00

This Friday I fly off to Tenerife for a holiday in the sun, just as the winter kicks in. It has been five and a half years since I was last there. I will have seven nights to relax, party and forget about my normal everyday concerns.

One of the amazing things about this island is its geology. When you fly in, the first image is of this sheer black rock that shoots out of the sea. It hardly seems inhabitable. Then when you land and get through customs, climb onto your tour bus and have a moment to relax - you notice how the surface is like a moonscape.

A sense of being alien remains when you arrive at your resort. The PR's, with their aggressive sales style, constantly want to lull you into one of their bars. The tourist economy isn't quite natural and resolves around the consumption of huge volumes of drink and food, timeshares and the seedier industries of human desperation.

Because it has been so long since I was last there, the impressions I get will be very raw. I will try to find a computer cafe, so that I can record some of my experiences each day.

Roll on Friday...

New Music

2009-10-06T03:40:00.001-07:00

Over recent weeks, there has been two great albums released by bands who where about when I was really starting to love music in a big way: Pearl Jam and Alice In Chains.

Pearl Jam's offering, Backspacer, is an immediate rush at thirty eight minutes long. Most of the songs are punk-pop, everything being stripped bare until what is left are little diamonds at the bottom of the music miners pan. The songs are also genuinely happy, which as a bit if a surprise at first. What this band have done really well in the past are dark, moody pieces that one wants to get lost in- so that the real pain of the outside world is displaced for a few moments by the soothing effect of an imagined pain. Not that the pain is such songs were purely imaginary - they may have been real enough for the writers themselves - but the audience normally grapples with art and music in a different way than the artist.

One big plus for this album is how there is a single thread running through it. When I checked the credits, I noticed that Eddie Vedder had written all the lyrics. This consistency hasn't happened in a long time. Other band members are great lyricists - but the over all effect with many contributers, is that those albums don't work as a mood piece. Instead, those offerings become a bit jumpy and wacky, which can be fun if your feeling listless- but not if your wanting to get lost.

Backspacer does contain two songs that relieve the musical punk-pop, with acoustic numbers that are very much of an ilk with Eddie Vedder's solo album Into The Wild. This is a reminder of Eddie's potential as a solo artist which perversely gives him greater control over his band, making Pearl Jam more focused and driven.

Black Gives Way to Blue is a broodier album. Despite the new vocalist, many of the trade mark Alice In Chains habits are still there. The vocal melodies, down tuned riffing plus the intelligent and emotional lyrics. The title track, which arrives as the last song, really got me. It's an album about continuing on- after the death of a loved one. It is an album about how the deceased has had an irreplaceable influence on who you are as an individual. It is an album that both celebrates and mourns.

The Black Gives Way To Blue album is not as 'instant' as Backspacer - but it is one that will continue to intrigue me for many years to come. Despite how much I love the Pearl Jam effort, I am not so sure how much I will be loving it in five years time.

Kelly Joe Phelps: Musical Contortionist

2009-10-03T03:42:00.000-07:00

When I discovered that Kelly Joe Phelps was playing in Newtownards I was really surprised. Here is an internationally renowned artist coming to play a little hall, in a little town, in a little country. It was a pleasant surprise though - a few years ago I had bought one of his albums and loved how his vocal melodies tied together his finger-picking, acoustic licking, sonic mosaics. I readily agreed to go along with a friend.

After two very decent opening acts, Kelly Joe Phelps was introduced by the compare but took a moment to appear. Was he really here or was this some kind of facade to get his fans to attend a gathering that would otherwise be empty? But sure enough, a couple of minutes later, a smallish man seemed to hobble along the front of the stage before taking a seat. A long hovering microphone pointed in his direction, though he didn't seem to notice.

As he started picking his guitar, his body writhed into all kinds of different shapes. It was as if the control and precision he displayed on his instrument was compensation for his lack of control over his other bodily movements. He hunched over the guitar, his head jotted out like a chicken, then he howled like a wolf as a particularly enjoyable sequence of notes was ran through. He also seemed to be lost in a world of his own.

He showed little interest in his audience. You could tell straight away what music meant to this man. It was a way of exercising control over a life that probably lacked control. My friend looked at me, as if to wonder if the artist wasn't quite normal. I mentioned to my friend that he had found his zone.

With Kelly Joe Phelps, his genius is subtle. The bluesy guitar notes underscored vocal melodies that seem to have more in common with Irish Ballads. Still, it worked amazingly well. If he were a cook, he would be the sort of man who would serve up chocolate with potatoes- but make it work.

After the gig, my friend mentioned that he preferred the second support act, an Australian called Owen Campbell. It was true that Campbell created more crowd interaction and had a greater presence on stage. He told stories between songs and made his segment extremely enjoyable. Phelps in my book was the master though. He took his guitar, sang his songs and vanished into the night wench he came. A ghost of a man, there was something magical that happened during this apparition. Sometimes it requires belief before you can acknowledge the existence of spirits.

Healthy eating and weight loss

2009-09-21T02:18:00.000-07:00

I have made it at last! I went on a diet last March to lose three stone and get myself into reasonable shape again. It has taken this long but I have got there!

It was amazing just how bad my diet was before. Working twelve hour shifts I got into a lazy habit of eating out after work every night. You name it: Fish and Chips, KFC, Chinese..., all fine in moderation but not every night of the week!

There have been some great side benefits, apart from the obvious health implications. My confidence has grown considerably. I have also received a lot more attention from women when I am out and about. It will only be a matter of time before something clicks here!

I think I am also happier than I was. Before, I used food to make myself feel better when I was emotionally down. This comfort eating I didn't really identify until I stopped it. When I struggle with issues now, the thing to do is to put on some music (Malcolm Middleton, Pearl Jam, Sophia, Metallica etc...,) and write the issues out.

There is no going back. I can't imagination gaining that type of weight again. There are just too many positives now that I don't want to lose!