From The Rearview Mirror

oatmeal raisin cookies, cream cheese, and milk shakes

2011-08-10T08:48:00.003-04:00

Through all of the chaos of life, I have not really had the time to focus in on my Health. Jacob was doing most of the grocery shopping when I was at work and was doing a wonderful job. Now that I'm home, I do not know where to begin. It's as though I've forgotten how to take care of my body and mind. I know that I'll pick back up where I left off when I start my LAST semester as an ADN RN student. (Yayy!!) It seems as though I've finally found the balance I need as a student and it's about damn time!

I try to always be conscious of what I put into my body and mind, but it's difficult. I'm impulsive and food just seems to feed that trait of mine. However, the focus that school requires is vital and to have that kind of focus all day, I know what I must do. The list is short. Yoga, Psychology, Study, Cardio/Tone. Only two more weeks before I have another full plate of paperwork, tests, long lectures and clinical. Surprisingly, I'm looking forward to it.

My weight is still my primary concern as I am still overweight with a BMI of 25.1. Seriously? Could I be any closer to a Normal weight range? I have lost another 5 lbs. this Summer and am proud of my accomplishment, even though I did nothing to lose it. Literally, the weight fell off of me as I walked and worked at the Nursing Home this Summer. My food habits certainly did not help with that 5 lbs. I have ate my fair share of oatmeal raisin cookies, cream cheese, and milk shakes. It has been Summer...in my defense. :-/

When I am 150lbs, I plan on toning my body and maintaining my weight. I do not wish to be thin, I wish to be healthy and I do believe that because of my positive outlook, I will gain the Health I seek.

To Health and beyond!

Peace and Love.

Dog Days

2011-08-02T10:45:00.007-04:00

Story is growing up. She has had a relapse on potty training, deciding that she doesn't care to use the potty ever again. She has complete control of bowel but we're taking a break from bladder control for a day or two. I'm trying to re-focus her attention with fun games, stickers, whipped cream. I've tried nearly everything. I'm confident that it's just another phase and I'm convinced that she's just being a bit defiant because she's a terrible two and that's what they do. The whole "my way or no way" act is getting a bit old, I'll admit. But I'm holding onto my patience valiantly and believe that this too shall pass.

Jacob is preparing for school, dealing with phone calls and the endless amount of paperwork. I'm just taking it easy, happy that my job is a thing of the past and trying to regain some mental and physical strength before my last semester begins. I look forward to all that college offers, including the mental challenge, the free gym membership, Yoga, and therapy sessions that help me stay on track. It doesn't hurt that I also have much cheaper health benefits while enrolled in case of a cold. Not having health insurance is also getting old.

As a family, we are not doing so well. It just seems like we're all a bit off balance and the heat is probably making us all a little crazy as well. When the dog days come, they come with a vengeance. Making it through to the Fall is always relieving and I think we're all just ready for the season to change. We have no pool to keep us cool. We barely have air conditioners in our vehicles to depend on in case we want to travel. We couldn't travel even if our air conditioners worked because we can't afford anything of luxury.

Instead, we are going to hang in tight and hope for a brighter future. There are good things in store my family, I believe that. We are small, just the three of us, but we're working for good and happy things. The reward will certainly be great.

And without further ado, here are the very few photos I have captured this Summer of the smallest of our group. Little Story Jade, the one in charge.

Peace and Love.

work this Summer

2011-06-17T12:02:00.002-04:00

Since I've been working at a nursing home this Summer, I constantly feel as though I am lacking in all other areas of my life. I miss my daughter and my significant other. The distance that I feel from them as I work full time hours is very tiring for me emotionally. There are a lot of unanswered questions here at home and a lot of unwanted thoughts that enter my mind as I try to relax for the few short hours I get before going into another day of work. I'm exhausted mentally and I'm worried that the balance will never be good enough for me. Sometimes, what I want the most, is to quit work all together and be a full time mother and partner.

The reason that I haven't made that decision is because the work is rewarding beyond belief. I am learning how to develop a therapeutic relationship with people and am finally feeling like the little things that I do on a daily basis are of great importance. Each of my patients have reduced everything in their lives down to a very small confined space. Most nurse aides do not understand how difficult it must be for them, but my education gives me the advantage of seeing things from a broader point of view. I am thankful for that and am learning SO much. It is my empathetic nature that brings me to this place today and for that, I'm grateful.

Many of my patients are in wheelchairs but a lot of them are bedridden. For those residents who get little interaction, I hum songs, I read stories, I hold their hands just because. It is the smallest of things that mean so much to them. For those with dementia, I find myself having conversations that trigger reminiscent thoughts and I carry on with those as long as possible. Even if the thoughts are short lived, I feel like I have accomplished a goal. I have dried tears and given all of the empathy in the world to these people and by the end of the day, the heaviness that I feel is lifted away and carried to the stars as I walk to my car, reminding myself that each of these people Matter and THAT is a reason why I'm here, caring as hard as I can care.

For Me, I am learning a lot about the Older Adult. Some of them are sad as they finish their lives, but many of them are content. It is my goal to help each of these people find contentment in their hearts before death arrives. They are waiting, all of them...and in that way, it's strange to be working with them, knowing the inevitable is coming. The residents do not always realize the impact that they have on me, but they are teaching me a lot about death and I feel like I am on a journey to accept dying in a way that I never have been able to before. Being with them every day forces me to accept reality and it's comforting to be able to do that.

Just yesterday a sweet lady explained to me, "Death is happening everyday, even when you are 22 years old, you are aging and that is the truth about this life. You live, you die." She looked at me and smiled sweetly, without any doubt at all. I believe that she will die a happy woman and I do not spend very much of my time with her because of it.

Instead, I am usually found with the combative patients, the ones who are angry and sad about the coming Day. It is these patients that deserve the best of care, every single day. I sacrifice business for personal reward every day and I choose to do what is right. This post is dedicated to coming Death, to the sad and angry and lonely people in this world who just need a little Love.

Peace and Love.

wonder

2011-05-27T16:20:00.006-04:00

Today, I went on a hike with Jacob and Story. After many weeks of trying to figure out something that we could do together as a family, I decided that hiking was the only logical answer. The three of us agree on our love for nature and embrace adventure. When we tire of this hobby, I highly hope there will be another like it to come. It feels so good to have unity.

Ultimately, it was an "adventure" that set the pace for our family 4 years ago, when Jacob and I would give ourselves a tour of Ky and beyond into the state of Tennessee--I remember those days so fondly and miss the days that we spent together, just blowing our part time job money on gasoline as we stretched our legs into the great unknown. We hiked atop train bridges and drove through the small hidden towns of Ky. We hid in tunnels while it rained, slept in open fields beneath the stars while wondering about all there was to wonder about.

It was the perfect way to begin a relationship and now that Story is out of infancy and well on her way to childhood, I hope to share adventures like these with her too. Today, we hiked to the East Pinnacle in the city of Berea, where Jacob and I met. The trip with her was super special. She loved to talk about the wild flowers that lined the path and had conversations with the insects and animals that we met along the way. She is learning that there are a lot of interesting things to see outdoors and her awareness is expanding rapidly.

I am looking forward to the days we will spend hiking together as a family in the future and more so, for the days that we will spend together in general, living life and exploring the things around us. I look forward to having conversations that matter and admiring the world on a broader scale as we continue to just exist beneath the stars and wonder about all there is to wonder about.

Peace and Love.

celebrating love

2011-05-23T20:37:00.008-04:00

These photos were taken on May 21st, 2011-- the day of the Brown wedding. Amber has been a friend of mine since high school. We've known each other our entire lives. It was very surreal to watch her wed and I hope that she and Dave have a wonderful life together as a couple. I wasn't able to take many photos but the ones I took, are for her to keep as a gift from her wedding day. Wasn't she beautiful?!

I cannot wait to hear of their adventures, to see them strive as a family, and to hear the stories they will tell as we grow and change. Today, they are in Switzerland. I have no idea what their honeymoon entails, but the adventure is an amazing one, I'm sure.

Congratulations, to my friend.

Peace and Love.

summer goals

2011-05-20T20:19:00.004-04:00

I have been trying to make the adjustment to being at home full time since the end of my semester. I thought that it wouldn't be so difficult living without a schedule but surprisingly, I find myself needing to pull that purple booklet back out again. I am almost certain that it's still tucked away in the front pocket of my college backpack which hasn't been touched since the last day of finals week.

Since I have been home with no studying on my agenda, I have been trying to spend quality time with Story and Jacob and also spend time doing things I love that I haven't been able to do as a student. I have eaten ice cream, taken photos, organized Story's bedroom, searched for music, bought some sunglasses, and gone hiking. All of these things are nice and it feels great to be free, but after a few days with no plan, I am starting to feel a bit out of control.

On the business side of things, I am going to be starting my full time nurse assistant position this coming Monday. Although I've been without a schedule, I have stayed on track with my professional goals. Not only did my school fund run out and the need for income is becoming dire, but I am really looking forward to the experience I will gain as I care for patients this Summer. This is great news, as I wasn't completely confident that I'd find a job just for the Summer. Most businesses hope for long term employees and I couldn't offer any false promises of long term commitment. I have been very lucky!

I am looking forward to the rest of the Summer. I am making a list of goals that I hope to accomplish.
-I am going to make mornings count since I will be working 2nd shift. I hope to be out of bed by 6am during the week, so that I can make breakfast extra special for Story.
-I am going to plan a trip to the Zoo with my friend Amber and her Son, Jack. Between conflicting schedules and long distance, we never see each other anymore!
-I am going to spend lots of quality time with these two:

-I am going to practice cooking, read for fun, watch movies, eat popcorn, go to drive-ins, plan for mini vacations and sing songs with my two-year old daughter. I am going to see my girlfriends and family, save some money, and try to be as productively fun as possible all Summer long.

Peace and Love.

beautiful things i experienced on my hike

2011-05-09T22:09:00.004-04:00

Peace and Love.

Third Level = Complete.

2011-05-06T09:04:00.003-04:00

It seems as though my Summer break has finally arrived! Through insomnia, anxiety and social isolation, I have made it through to another level. This Summer, I intend on finding a job at a hospital. I have no intentions of "getting my foot in the door." That phrase just pisses me off and I know that one day I'll be wanted, not just accepted as a newcomer.

My day of being a professional is coming. Until then, I'm going to focus on learning as much as I can. After all, learning is what brought me here in the first place. In short, this means that I'm hoping for a nursing assistant position, but I'm also not above being a janitor. I need some income and I long to be in the hospital where I'll soon be needed the most. Let the resume building and interviewing process begin!

Each semester of nursing school that passes feels like such a milestone to me. I have really worked hard this semester and was only 1 point away from a B. In truth, I know that I deserved that B. I've somehow managed to help Story potty train, help her transition to her toddler bed, feed my family and still pass another semester, even if it was a C.

As my therapist has been telling me, I need to acknowledge my accomplishments more. I need to pat myself on the back and stop fretting that I was once a straight A student. Duty calls from multiple (very different) paths, yet I'm succeeding in all areas. Being successful is certainly nothing to be upset about, but something to smile about instead. And so, I'm working on that. :-)

It feels very strange to have nothing to do right now. Of course, there are minor things that needs attention since my neglect has taken over for the past 5 months. I need to clean my car from top to bottom. (It is currently littered with fast food garbage, water bottles, nursing books and toys that completely cover the back seat.) I also need to practice some homemaking. I have two big wine jugs that need decorating and I need to print more pictures to hang on the wall. I need to practice with photography this Summer, which is going to be my biggest (and hopefully best) project of the Summer. And of course, I need to catch up with family and friends as well. I want to spend a lot of time relaxing and not worrying about deadlines.

It all starts today and I'm having an awesome time just doing things at random. After this blog is written for example, I plan on drinking a large amount of water and then cleaning this kitchen. Besides doing laundry, picking up things after Story, and disinfecting the bathroom ONCE, I haven't cleaned since we've lived on Foxhaven. :-/

Peace and Love.

FREE Photography: Bella first!

2011-04-29T09:28:00.007-04:00

Starting yesterday, I'm taking pictures for free. There are multiple reasons why I've decided to offer my services for free.

1.) Too many people want me to take pictures for them but with the economy in the shape it is, many people are having to cut out unnecessary expenses. I love it enough to give it to people.

2.) I just want to use my camera this Summer. I've been so busy with school this semester and I haven't had much opportunity to learn my camera, work with natural settings and poses. This will give me that opportunity!

3.) And most of all, I have little to give to people between school and family. I miss socializing and have missed seeing family and friends. This is a great way for me to spread love and visit with people that I haven't seen in a long time. I also hope to meet many new people this Summer through my lens. Giving to strangers can be as rewarding as giving to those I love. <3

I feel so perfectly happy about this decision and I can't wait to see where it takes me this Summer.

Peace and LOVE <3

Here is my first pro bono shoot of my baby cousin, Bella. She is going on 15 months now. I am so in love with her. Isn't she just adorable? It was a chilly, rainy day at the park, but I couldn't resist taking these pictures of her. She was so innocently amazed with the simplest of things...water, mulch, and her big cousin, Story.

my 26 month old doll

2011-04-21T22:28:00.004-04:00

Story is now 26 months old. It seems like just yesterday that Jacob and I were completely new parents and bringing her into our little apartment on Brandy Lane. Her room was painted and awaiting her arrival, but nothing was in place because she was 4 weeks early. Brandy Lane is such a thing of the past and it's just strange to think of how quickly time is passing. I really can't say it enough.

When I look at Story now, I see her long and lean, unlike her short, chubby self last Spring. How can she change so much in just one year and how is it so, that I can love someone even more than before? I often joke that if my love for her continues to grow, then it will surely fill me and I will burst. I just can't imagine seeing her another year from now. But that's part of the excitement and fun of being a parent and I'm really starting to embrace this role I'm playing in her life.

I am in complete wonder that she is doing so well with potty training and has finally mastered the transition to the "big girl bed." She only wears pull-ups during naps and overnight. Otherwise, she wears panties like Mommy and goes potty like a pro. We haven't had an accident (besides nap/bed time) in about a week. We read books before bedtime and tuck her in at tight. Lately, she's been really loving her new bedtime routine and will run and jump into her bed unlike ever before. She wakes bright and early to come into our room and climb into our bed for morning cuddles. I am completely in love with this new routine because she's so much fun to wake up with in the mornings.

Her communication skills astound me. She said a 7 word, properly sequenced SENTENCE the other day! She is so much fun to carry a conversation with and is much easier to understand. She makes it clear what she wants, when she wants it and how she'd like to be done. She's learning to be descriptive and is practicing her pronoun usage. My favorite phrase by far is, "I love you very much, Mommy." I melt every time. She is my little friend and our conversations are so much fun.

She is doing so many different things at the moment and I always feel like I do not get to see her enough. Being a working mother is so difficult and the balance continues to stress me out, (hence why I've taken up Yoga once every week, along with 3 other aerobics classes to keep me sane. It's really working for me!) My relationship with her has been amazing lately and I hope to always feel so peaceful with her.

On my free time, we've been eating ice cream in celebration of the warmer weather. We've been playing in the grass and hanging out on our little back deck. We've been flying kites and watching movies and singing songs. We've been running in circles and dancing to music. We've been reading lots of books and have spent some time at the library too. And without further ado, here are some recent pictures of my little, big girl.

Peace and Love.

how could i forget...the ZOO!

2011-04-09T14:49:00.004-04:00

Last month, over that one awesome week of Spring break that I had, I made it a point to spend as much time as possible with my family. We didn't plan a vacation to the beach because we couldn't exactly afford it. Although it would have been nice to build sand castles, chase crabs and swim in the ocean, we decided to leave that for a later date. Instead, we took an all day adventure to the Cincinnati Zoo.

As it turns out, it was a GREAT idea and the trip was filled with lots of family conversation, making new animal friends, and was a great opportunity to educate Story AND ourselves. (Have you ever heard of leaf-cutter ants? Look them up! We were amazed!) We packed our lunch and some snacks for the day. Other than a bit of gas money and ticket prices, we didn't spend a dime! I wish we lived closer so we could buy a seasonal pass because we were attached to our animal friends by the time we left. I can only imagine visiting them on a more regular basis.

Anyways, the day was chilly and we were bundled up from head to toe. Some of the animals were not on display due to the low temperature but it didn't take away from our day. We marveled at the nesting Mama eagle, the lazy tiger, the posing camel, the playful monkeys, the scary alligators, the crawling insects and the long necked giraffes. We playfully discussed everything about the animals, from the way they communicated with each other to the way they ate their lunch.

(It was also an excellent opportunity for me to be able to take some much needed photographs. My camera and lens are calling me on a daily basis but it just seems like I never have the time these days. I'm hoping to do more of that over Summer break, which is just around the corner at this point!)

It was a very happy day and we cannot wait to go back in the Summer!!

Peace and Love and enjoy some animal shots! :-)

remembering my body

2011-04-02T14:34:00.004-04:00

I am still losing weight! I can't believe it. I've been working a lot on increasing my metabolism, which completely bottomed out during my pregnancy two years ago and has been MIA since. So how have I been staying healthy lately?

1.) WATER WATER WATER! I drink water all day, everyday. It has become such an important thing in my life and because of it, my skin has become more healthy and my body, more fit.

2.) I've joined a Yoga class and have been trying a variety of other aerobics fitness classes. Other than last week, when I was down with a virus, I've been exercising at least every other day. The classes are intense and the energy in the room is more than enough to keep me motivated!

3.) Counting calories is always good, but honestly, I've been doing a lot less of that lately. I just try to always eat healthy and if it doesn't happen that way, I just exercise a little harder!

4.) I've been wearing clothes that are almost too small. This is a nice trick that I've found works like a charm. Not only do I try harder to fit in the clothes while I'm wearing them which is a workout all on it's own, but it motivates me to lose some inches around my waist.

5.) I bought some really fun tennis shoes. They are lime green and I'm totally bringing back the 80's. ;-) All jokes aside, they motivate me to USE them. I look forward to exercising with my sassy new tennis shoes!

6.) HIKING! It's an excellent way for a nature lover like me to enjoy the great outdoors, as well as burn some calories. Chin up, chest high, posture nice, I hike like a champ and try to get a nice workout in. (This is difficult with a two year old.....)

And although I've really not lost much weight, I'm feeling AMAZING. My body is begging me for more cardio, which I'm hoping to include more of when Summer break is finally here. I still spend a LOT of time stationary as I study, but when I'm out of school, that's all going to change! :-)

Aug. 30th 2010- 183 lbs.
Sept. 17th 2010- 179 lbs.
Nov. 15th 2010-175 lbs.
February 8th 2011- 171 lbs.
April 2nd 2011- 167 lbs.

Four more pounds lost and feeling awesome!

Peace and Love.

FIVE....MORE....WEEKS...

2011-03-31T12:34:00.002-04:00

I've had a cold virus for two long weeks. It's not only interfering with my studies, but it is also depressing my immune system. I have been drinking 3 cups of coffee everyday just to keep myself energized. I've been swigging NyQuil nightly for an entire week just to get some rest. I haven't been exercising either because I'm sure that my lungs wouldn't be able to tolerate the physical exertion.

Story is struggling with the same virus. Jacob, too. As if it's not bad enough that I can't shake it off, I'm trying to make sure that my family is taking care of themselves.

I cannot wait to say that I am officially a 4th level nursing student. I have worked hard this semester and will be overwhelmed with joy when Summer finally arrives.

Until then, I am dragging myself along for the ride.

Peace and Love.

hiking over spring break 2011

2011-03-26T08:52:00.008-04:00

This semester of school has been begging of my absence from things that I enjoy, one of those things being documenting the small moments of my life that make me who I am. I realize that it's momentary and that soon, I will have a Summer break, my very LAST Summer break before real life begins....whatever that means. I guess we'll see.

I did get a Spring break a couple of weeks ago that was very beneficial to my relationship with Jacob. Between the chaos of life and the need for alone time, the two of us have a lot of tension that we haven't had the time to deal with. We spent 4 days over Spring break, catching up on each other's lives, getting close again, and trying to re-patch what was broken. It was a wonderful 4 days. One of those, we spent hiking the pinnacles in Berea, Ky.

It's one of the very first places that we went when we first started dating. It hadn't changed much from 4 years ago, but then again, things of nature really take their time, I know. Four years ago, we hiked to the top, watched the sun set over the hills, and hiked back down in the dark (not a very safe experience for me...but I was with him and that was all that mattered.) Luckily, Tillie came with us and made sure we were safe. (Tillie is the Pinnacle dog. She hikes with random people up and down. We called her our guard dog. She kept us company, gave us many laughs along the way and was quite a companion.)

When we went over Spring break, we took Story along with us as well. We told her about Tillie and about how special she was,how she kept us safe during our hike 4 years ago. We hoped that she would get the chance to meet this amazing dog, but we were disappointed that Tillie was not available for the hike up. However, we were pleasantly surprised when Tillie showed up at the end of our hike. We had talked about her so much and Story was overwhelmed with excitement at getting the chance to meet her. She cried pitifully when we left her behind. Tillie is a very special dog and we were more than glad that Story had the chance to meet her. From the picture I took, I believe that Tillie too, was pleasantly surprised to meet our family addition.

Overall, the hiking adventure was heartwarming. It was a nice Spring day, warm and on the verge of raining. It was a quiet, loving family adventure and I cannot wait to go again. Story remembers the day very well as Jacob almost jumped on top of a copperhead snake. She loves to tell the tale and we love to listen! My oh my, how our two year old is talking these days. I cannot believe the vast amount of change that has taken place since she turned TWO. It's amazing and she is quickly changing every single day.

Peace and Love.

Notes to Self / 2-26-11

2011-02-26T16:00:00.004-05:00

On top of my menstrual cycle, I have a cold. Niether of these things are good for me right now as I have a ton of school work that I need to be focusing on and a lot of other responsibilities that require me to MOVE my body. Fighting off an infection is not conducive to a productive environment. It doesn't help that Story is one day ahead of me with this same sickness and Jacob is one day behind me. At least Story is closer to the finish line! :-/ Let the Nursing begin!

Anyways... I have had THREE cups of coffee as opposed to one today. I think it's time to start another pot. I'm feeling down and out and am thinking about taking a nice hot shower to pick me back up again. Sometimes it helps with my annoying cramping that is definitely worse after my pregnancy. Later, I will be having a couple of drinks with a girlfriend. I am looking forward to the energy of her presence. She's a Virgo and I'm a Scorpio and there hasn't been a week since we've met that we haven't seen each other.

Note to Self: "Include more girl time into schedule. Healthy relationships are important to keep around."

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I went to the kitchen to toast a bagel this afternoon. I loaded it up with cream cheese and blackberry jam, one of the most delicious combinations I've ever had. I dropped my last piece in the floor and cursed the entire time it was falling. Jacob just laughed at me and concluded, "There's no such thing as germs when you are on your period." Knowing that he was right, I gobbled up the remains of my toasted bagel with cream cheese and blackberry jam. It may not have been the cleanest act of all time, but I don't regret it.

I'm feeling much more content now that I have had something that I usually forbid from myself. (Not the germs...the cream cheese because if I don't stop myself...who will?) It's funny how having the forbidden fruit can be so satisfying. I have always been a bit of a rebel, I'll admit. I've never done well with people barking orders at me, have rarely followed the norm in any shape, way, or form and have certainly never gave a damn about politics.

Note to self: "I'm bad and it's okay."

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Story and I went to the movies last night. It was a very sweet adventure and she done surprisingly well. We had a little difficulty with the whole whispering thing. But other than that, she sat still, ate her ice cream, wore her cool 3D glasses and stared at the movie screen, laughing at appropriate times and saying "UH OH" during the catastrophic moments. Gnomeo and Juliet was the name of the film. It was just another knock off Toy Story with some fun tunes but she enjoyed it and that's all that matters. She has been talking about it all day and wants to go again, with Poppy included. She was very sorry that he missed out but she also enjoyed the quality Mommy time whether she wants to admit it or not.

Note to Self: "Story can officially go to the movie theater. Test run complete."

Peace and Love.

french bread pizza

2011-02-22T13:19:00.002-05:00

I started my day off just perfectly. I ate a bowl of oatmeal with some berries. I had ONE cup of coffee as opposed to 3 and then drank nearly a liter of water before taking a jog for 30 minutes. My ability to focus is astounding after a good exercise. I think I might have passed my 2nd med-surg test today and I feel like all thanks goes to my rejuvenating jog at 7am.

Then I came home.... Jacob had made some french bread pizzas for lunch. I ate not TWO, but THREE slices, with sour cream, cheddar cheese, onions, chicken, mushrooms, pizza sauce and couldn't be more pleased about it. Thanks, dear!

Peace and Love.

photo shoots for me

2011-02-20T20:27:00.003-05:00

There have been so many photo-worthy moments lately.

My Valentine's Day was rather wonderful. I was up before sunrise, starting a day of clinical. Jacob is up with me every morning for coffee but he somehow snuck out early enough to put post-it's all over my dashboard with encouraging words of thanks and love. We spent the evening alone, cooking and enjoying dinner in our new apartment.

I was feeling rather crafty after my glass of wine and decided to sum up my night in just one shot. I thought it was brilliant. Some people know why, but for the most part, people will continue to stare at this photo for many moments before finally giving up, deciding that there really isn't anything more to know.

This shot portrays our new wine glasses (found at the Goodwill), my amazing housewarming flowers that are still filling this apartment with their color. (Thanks to April Venable, my very dear friend.) And it is also a picture of Jacob, looking down, completely oblivious for a moment that I was taking this shot. He was drumming his fingers on the table, lost in a musical thought. It has struck a chord for us. I will never know why.

This is just another way of looking at those flowers.

And then there's Story, my absolutely beautiful, ever-changing little Story, who is a big TWO year old now. (We are ALL still getting over the shock around here...) In the first shot, we were leaving for her birthday dinner. She was excited to be going out for dinner and ice cream. I was just excited that she was turning TWO. It's an accomplishment for BOTH of us and when I see her smiling face, I know that I must be doing something right. In the last shot, she was modeling for me one day after class. I was exhausted and was having a moment where I couldn't believe that she was mine. She was playing model and I was playing photographer.

Peace and Love.

Story is TWO!

2011-02-13T09:57:00.003-05:00

Dear Story,

Just a couple of weeks ago, we were spending some alone time together...something that I am learning to appreciate more as I become more busy. I spent the moment basking in your innocence, your compassion, and your naivety. I told you many times that you were MAGICAL, that you must have had the special touch. The bubbles were falling to the ground without popping and were landing with such grace. (It truly was a magical event and I enjoyed it a little more than any 22 year old probably should.)

Your mouth hung open with excitement. Your eyes widened with wonder. These little actions that I see on a daily basis now are so complimentary to your developing personality and I am more than proud to be standing behind you as you gain independence from me.

Your independence both frightens and relieves me. As you grow, I realize just how strong you are and just how satisfying life is going to be for you. You are adventurous like me and your free spirit will take you far. In that way, it is relieving, but it is a scary thing to watch you attempt things that I am afraid you cannot do. It’s a delicate balance and a constant force of nature that I am learning to deal with as time goes on.

I hope that you will always run to Mommy when you are in pain, when you are confused, when you are sad, and even when you are bored. I know that there will be many times that I will fail, that I will disappoint you or hurt your feelings but know that I love you, now and always, forever and to the moon. I am confident that no one can love you as much as I.

Your birthday party was amazing. We were chaotic on the morning of your party. You helped me bake the rainbow cake and I helped you get ready for the party. (It was a perfect trade out, so thank you.) It seemed like nothing was going to pull together before your guests arrived but somehow, it DID! You were very excited to welcome each new guest into our apartment throughout the day. That’s exactly what a birthday should be, a day for celebrating YOU!

Now that you are two, I hope to see you accomplish a few things. I am hoping to help you potty train, transition to a toddler bed, take you to swim lessons, help you learn to dress yourself, and all kinds of new things that I probably haven’t even thought of yet. It’s going to be another big year for you and I’m looking forward to being there to see it all.

This past year, you have learned how to do so many things. I am continuously proud of you and cannot believe that you can cite the ENTIRE alphabet without faltering. (I’ve heard you do it TWICE now!) Your intelligence astounds me. Happy Birthday, you big TWO year old. I love you more than words can say.

-Mommy.

P.S. Can you try to be somewhat good this year? I know that the TWO's are supposed to be terrible and all, but...let's work together and try to accomplish things!! :-)

2-10-11 (1:35 pm! The exact moment you turned two, you were in the car, coming home from Aunt Trish's house. Poppy stopped the car to get this shot. I made him promise to do so! I was so excited to see you when I got home. We went out for dinner.)

The rest of these shots are from your birthday party. You had a GREAT day!

Peace and Love!!

2-10-11--Anniversary!

2011-02-10T07:14:00.006-05:00

Four years ago today, Jacob and I decided to start a relationship. The people that we were then, sitting in my Celica, are not the people we are today. In that way, things are very different. The growing pains have been difficult for us both, but I can now say, after the four years that we've been through every stressor known to man, that it was worth it to start a relationship on February 10th, 2007.

At 18 years old, I was reckless and forever a free spirit, doing everything without consequence. I was beginning my first semester of college in a whole new town with a whole new way. I had no idea how to make a relationship blossom and was completely unaware of the many changes that were going to take place over the course of the next few years of my life. Moving in together was difficult for us.

We were unprepared to take care of ourselves, were living off of cigarettes, frozen pizzas, and alcohol. I stayed gone for hours and sometimes days, hanging out with friends, caring for no one by myself, I'll admit. Jacob was working a dead end job as a Walmart employee. He was bored, as we had decided that he would drop out of college while I began and finished a nursing degree. We thought that it would be easier that way and after the turn of events that would be taking place, it has amazingly proven to be the best choice for us. (Although I must say, that he is hungry for knowledge and will be returning soon.)

Little did we know that it would take me one whole year just to complete my pre-requisites for the nursing program. Little did we know that in 2008, we would be pregnant. Little did we know that on our 2nd anniversary, Story Jade would be coming into this world. Little did we know that I would need to take off a semester of school and little did we know that once in the nursing program, it would be so demanding on us as a unit!

Life is full of little surprises. Most of those surprises are difficult, but making it through those difficult times has always been our goal and we have yet to fail, no matter how close we came to doing so. I feel more confident about our relationship today than I ever did at the age of 18, when I had no responsibilities other than myself.

Today, we are stronger than ever and despite our hardships, we have grown and learned together as a couple. I am strong because of him, because he is the one area of my life that is stable, that is constant. I have no idea where the two of us will be tomorrow, but I know that we will be there together and that is becoming one of the most comforting things in my life. I know that I can share with him my concerns about growing, about learning how to parent and he is becoming someone I can consult with when things are falling apart for me.

I thank him for his unending supply of patience, support, and love to me AND to Story, who just so happened to be born on the same day (2 years later) that we decided to begin our lives together. Four years strong and closer to the end of the tunnel of nursing school, I think it's safe to say, WE ARE GOING TO MAKE IT, JACOB DANIEL BONTA, AND WE ARE GOING TO DO IT TOGETHER!

Peace and Love.

keeping on keeping on (and losing weight)

2011-02-09T06:46:00.003-05:00

I have been running on fumes lately. I know that this is probably the most unhealthy way to live...period. But I guess that's the irony of being a Nurse, we have very busy lives and spend our days always trying to "keep up", sometimes forgetting to take care of ourselves. I've been blaming all of my stress on school, but I know that it's not going to get TOO much better when I graduate. In fact, I'm assuming it's going to get a little worse immediately after graduation. A brand new Nurse in the great big world...it's a little scary.

The point of this post was never to talk about Nursing. It was meant to brag on myself over the few pounds I've lost. I am dedicating all of the hard work to my career choice, as it is keeping me on my toes.

I went to the gym yesterday, took a pretty long jog around the track, quickly pumped out some crunches and push ups. (Yeah...I know....not exactly appropriate, but hey, I do what I can do!) After my shower, I was running late but still decided to jump up on the scales for a quick look-see. To my great surprise, because I've been eating fatty foods lately, I had lost FOUR more pounds since November. I didn't even know it was possible to LOSE weight during the Winter, but alas, the scales do not lie.

I am really bragging too much because I know that staying busy and taking a couple of jogs every week are the only things aiding in my weight loss. I'm eating smaller portions of fatty foods. It doesn't really help to eat smaller portions if you're doing it that way, right? Doesn't it cancel each other out? Oh well... at least the numbers are decreasing! Of that, I can't complain!

Peace and Love.

Aug. 30th 2010- 183 lbs.
Sept. 17th 2010- 179 lbs.
Nov. 15th 2010-175 lbs.
February 8th 2011- 171 lbs.

Bella's Birthday

2011-02-07T11:58:00.005-05:00

This past weekend, my family was invited to attend the birthday party of little Bella. Story had an absolute blast, as this party took place at Kids Zone. There were big inflatable jungle gyms for jumping and playing. Needless to say, Story was pleased and spent the day jumping up and down and sliding down the giant slides. Story was definitely most impressed with the balloons, which is very exciting news as her own birthday draws near. We are really looking forward to celebrating her big day!

The birthday party was a great success. Bella was adorable, as always. She loved her cake and was surrounded with lots of love all day long. And the best part was all of the PRESENTS she received. :-) She is such a sweet little girl and I feel giddy with love when I look at these pictures of her first birthday. I cannot believe how quickly this day has come. It really seems like yesterday that I was there for her birth.

Peace and Love!

a break from cold

2011-02-02T22:01:00.006-05:00

The other day, my little family took a trip to the park. It was the first warm-ish day of the year and it will certainly not be the last. The sun was GOLDEN and viciously lining the entire ground around us. The park was eerily quiet, although there were quite a few people out to enjoy their evening.

I will never forget how much we needed that adventure, how Story fell asleep as soon as we left the park because what little Sun we had, completely drained her of all energy she had saved for the ride home. I will never forget how Jacob and I drove with the windows halfway down...how nature gave us a little break before another bitter cold settled in around us. I better be careful though. The sun is addicting and I already need another dose.

Peace and Love

chaotic mind

2011-01-31T13:18:00.003-05:00

I have a list of random things running through my mind at this very moment in time and I entirely blame my chaotic state on Nursing school. A little glimpse into my life on the day before a test:

1.) WHERE/WHAT/WHEN is Story's birthday party?
2.) Both vehicles are in serious need of maintenance...I hope my tire doesn't fall off.
3.) A budget is made...I am sticking to it.
4.) If I follow the budget, a LOT of money will be going into the California fund.
5.) Did I mention we are moving to California in 2 years? It's a goal...and we like it.
6.) I have my first med/surg test tomorrow. Wonderful...
7.) Story is ready to potty train...I wonder if it's okay to wait until Summer?
8.) Story's room is in dire need of some TLC.
9.) What's for dinner tonight? Will Jacob be okay with chili....again?
10.) I better stop this right now and go study for the GI dysfunctions of children. It really should be an interesting topic. Maybe it will slow my mind.

Peace and Love.

adjusting like a queen

2011-01-30T16:22:00.006-05:00

Story is adjusting to the new apartment better than we ever thought she would. We have more room than we are accustomed to but Story absolutely LOVES that she can run in a circle past her room, our room, the bathroom, the kitchen AND the living room all in one go! She will stop in each place and leave toys behind. She has yet to get bored here, which is something that we were lacking on Brandy Lane.

We are still not entirely moved and I keep realizing that we've left things as I frantically search for meaningless things that matter...like scissors, ibuprofen, my CALENDAR! (something I never really thought we could live without...)

The sun is starting to shine again here in KY, slowly drying the dampness that has taken over. In celebration, we fed the ducks at the local lake. It was chilly, but refreshing and we are more than happy to be back where we began.

Story is still a bundle of energy, constantly on the go and waiting for the newest adventure. For now, she is convinced that she is a monkey and a rock star....two things that we talk about often. I cannot believe that my little girl will be TWO in just a couple of weeks. I guess it's time to make arrangements for the unplanned party... When we ask her what she wants for her birthday, she throws her hands up in the air and shouts...."BALLOONS!!!!!" Regardless of how "put together" the party ends up being, I have full expectations that this little girl is going to have a BLAST! She is a simple gal and entirely easy to please. :-)

Peace and Love.

Back in Rich City

2011-01-26T16:53:00.003-05:00

At some point over the past few months, I've found myself too hectic to dedicate any time to my photography. It is depressing and sad and I do not like myself without it. My work is calming and peaceful and something I should never do without. It had become part of my routine that was abruptly altered in a quick decision to move in with Jacob's parents a few months ago. Without it, I have been lost.

During the past months, I found a lot of strengths in myself as well as many weaknesses. I realize now that taking care of myself is something I should never neglect and that in order to maintain structure and routine and productivity, I must surround myself with the things that have always made me who I am.

Being back in my hometown was difficult for us. Before moving back, we were ready to move forward and see bigger things, to expand our lives as a family in ways that can only be accomplished by experience and exploring our curiosities. Moving back was not easy because it was out of sequence for us. Although it was necessary as part of our growth, I do not think we will ever again live in my hometown, where thoughts are pure and innocent and reassuring.

Sitting in my new apartment today in Richmond, Ky, I am reminded of a day I spent with Jacob near a friend's home. She took me to this place one evening when I was in dire need of support and peace. For many days, I couldn't get the place out of my head. As soon as the weather cleared, I rushed to this quiet place with Jacob, to share with him what I had been given.

I will never forget how quiet we were as we stared in awe at the clouds, the hills, the water, the grass, the sun. It was a much needed peace for both of us. As I pulled out my camera and lens, I knew that I was exactly where I was meant to be at that moment and time and for that day, I am eternally grateful.

This post is dedicated to a new beginning.

Peace and Love.