The Long Goodbye

What's a Man's Worth

2011-08-14T23:26:00.001+10:00

I was just about to give up on love when I meet a beautiful man.

As if a fairytale, it seemed almost unreal, a little bit too perfect and just slightly too beautiful to be true. You might remember from my last post that I met this boy at a conference and we had something really briefly.

Since then, I've been in Sydney at least 4-5 times, and by that, I mean I get to spend about 3-4 nights with him each time I am down in Sydney. We've never spent overnight together nor have we had sex but we have definitely been closer than most couples have. We hold hands, we hold each other tight and we give each other a kiss and a cuddle almost openly wherever we are. We've shared so many beautiful memories its slightly ridiculous.

From walking hand in hand around the entire city, to wrapping around each other on top of Sydney Opera House overlooking the harbour and the Harbour Bridge talking about our past, out partying until 3.30am, exploring food around Sydney, a ferry trip, a beautiful dinner with another gay couple friend and cuddling near the harbour enjoying the beautiful sunset. We've spoken about our past, our present and our future, we've entered a 54 hours startup competition, worked in a team and won, we've been sharing with each other our good news and it gets harder and harder everytime we say goodbye.

Yet, we've never once discussed our relationship - when I am back in Melbourne, we never talk on the phone and we probably text each other once a week. Having said that, I've been in Sydney about once every week or two, thus we've been seeing each other quite a bit.

I've been single for almost 5 years and over the last few months, it seems like I've just been indulging in a companion after companion. It does seem almost strange to have these beautiful and most importantly loving men in my life. Transitioning from having girlfriends and being single to having man after man to love and be loved, and to share a life with, its strange.. and strangely beautiful too.

Not only is Tay good-looking and adorable (he was an actor and have acted alongside Cate Blanchett - go figure), he treats me super well. He's constantly worry about how I feel, which peeves me a bit but it is beautiful especially when he brings me to all these beautiful places and showers me with affection. Before you vomit, we're also aware of the general public and have not been overly disgusting - and we're both not exactly the gay-est people in real life either. But it was beautiful to have a young gay boy coming up to us letting us know that watching us holding hands in public gives him hope.

Where is this relationship going? No one knows. I don't see myself moving up to Sydney nor does he see himself moving down to Melbourne in the near future.

Wow. Just Wow.

2011-06-27T01:01:00.002+10:00

Arriving in Melbourne was bittersweet, but once the weekend was over, I felt more alive than I have ever had in a while. Catching up with some of my friends, and hanging out with Ash for a morning made me fall in love with Melbourne all over again.

It isn't hard to be in love with Melbourne all over again, and I even made an unconscious decision to not date unless I meet someone who truly aligns with my values and likes me as much as I like him. That wasn't hard - it's Melbourne, its filled with opportunities and things to do, plus, I have Ash as a distraction although he doesn't hang out with me enough.

A week in, and I have to present at a conference. And there he was, staring at me and me him. Let's call him Tay. We talked nerdy stuff over the weekend at the conference and get to learn about each other's work a lot more, but not of each other. It wasn't until a workshop on Monday that I decided to take the jump and asked him out for dinner.

We had dinner, we chatted and we got to know each other. We walked along the Yarra River and outside the casino, as the fire display comes on, we stood beneath the fire in awe and slowly, held hands. It felt right. We kissed and we hugged and we held hands and walked all around the city for the rest of the night - there were no judgmental stares nor were there any harassment. We said good-night and good-bye.

On his final night in Melbourne, we took a stroll along Federation Square and held hands. People walked past us and smiled, some nodded with approval but for all we care, we were in our own worlds. As we spoke of our past and our passions, we discovered our similarities - lots of them - our strange pet peeves and our interests. We also discovered we're both adrenaline and travel addict. But all good things must come to and end so after two beautiful nights, we bid good-bye and hugged for the last time before we both caught different trams home. He was to head to back to Sydney the day after.

I am not sure if being able to openly date someone of the same sex in public was actually more beautiful or was it the beautiful relationship we both have developed even though there was no formal relationship.

We didn't keep in touch.

About a week later, I had to fly to Canberra for a day, but was stuck there due to the ash cloud grounding all planes. I could stay the extra few nights in Canberra or I could take a bus to Sydney, a mere 3 hours away with a lot more things to do. So, at the very last minute, I booked a bus ticket and took the trip to Sydney. On the way, I arranged several meetings during the day with my friends and work colleagues. At night, we hung out. We'd hold hands, we'd share stories at the foyer of Sydney Opera House overlooking the harbour, Sydney skyline and the Harbour Bridge. We'd hug and we'd kiss and we'd laugh like there was no tomorrow. And then we'd talk nerdy stuff.

After two beautiful nights, we bid each other good night, not knowing what is going to happen between us nor have ever discussed it. But perhaps, this is all part of the adventure - it could work or it might not. All I know is, I don't think I had met anyone as caring and compassionate as him. And we haven't slept with each other either.

Good-bye, Brisbane. Hello, Melbourne.

2011-06-04T21:41:00.001+10:00

As the sun quietly set right outside the window painting the sky a beautiful spectrum of orange and blue, the only thing that goes through my exhausted brain is an overwhelming sense of gratefulness.

Thankfully this flight is less than half filled, giving me enough space to be in my own thoughts and reflections without the intrusion of a stranger’s judgmental stare.

I don’t know how I did it sometimes, but in the last 2 years, I have started a registered organization, a venture and built several partnerships with the various sectors. I’ve been invited and have dined with the State Premier, Lord Mayor and even had a private lunch with the CEO of Qantas and Kerry O’Brien, one of Australia’s most respected news reporter. In the last 2 years, I have managed to build such a reputation that I get invited to be on the Board of the Online Engagement Department for a national Bank, and get flown all around Australia and half way across the world to share my experience, knowledge and wisdom – all of these is both difficult to comprehend but at the same time, humbling.

Brisbane is, in so many ways, the beginning of the rest of my life. I’ve made friends who love me unconditionally, accept me for who I am and who I am not, and friends who would quite literally give me all that they possibly can. More importantly, I have made friends who have trusted me, believed in me and supported me especially at times when I have doubted myself. It’s here that I met a mentor, one of Australia’s most respected social entrepreneur, who gave me the confidence to be extraordinary when I feared of being judged as being a show off.

Last night, I read one of the many messages and emails that flooded my Facebook and email inbox and I reflect on all the things that I haven’t done, I should have done and have done and I let out a sigh of relief, knowing that I personally, think that I have given all of myself to as many people and as much as I could have. I think I have been the best and most honest that I can be to most, if not all of my friends.

“I was doubtful of your well-intentions and your friendliness was difficult to accept initially, but over the year, your trust in me have allow me to be an honest person, your belief in me has given me confidence to be who I am and accept who I am not, and your open ears and compassionate heart has given me the comfort that there is still humanity and inspire me to love and to respect all humans for who they are and respect our individual differences... I can safely and whole-heartedly say that you have changed my life in ways unimaginable that I can never ever repay you. My only wish is that I can live everyday like you in honour of you and what you have done to me, my life and my family’s lives.”

I leave behind a group of trusted friends, a brother, a love one and a whole lot of memories.

To find love in someone and indulge in a beautiful, natural, loving and respectful relationship in my last 2 months in Brisbane tops it all off. As I bid goodbye to the boy that I have had the honour of sharing 2 months of a beautiful relationship with, I find comfort in knowing that we have both brought up the best in each other and gave each other what to many are memories to be envy of and for us, memories to keep close.

As Mr Crush and I squeezed each other until we were both out of breath and continued to hug for the next 10 mins in the middle of the street, we both stared into each other and thought the same, “Gee, what a ride it has been!” I thanked him for being himself, for believing in me, bringing the best out of me and for giving me the space to be honest with him and most importantly myself. He has been the only person who has stuck with me through thick and thin while I discover and find a comfortable place to fit in my sexuality. And in return, he thanked me for keeping him firmly on his feet, comfortable with who he is and a pillar of strength for him and his family. We both shared memories – and we both hugged until it became slightly awkward with strangers walking past.

The moon shines through the dark blue sky outside the window and half these strangers on the plane sleep their worry away.

I thought about what could have been, but I am thankful for what have been.

Melbourne, I am ready. Bring it on.

The Beauty of Having a Significant Other

2011-05-29T18:10:00.001+10:00

Regardless of how many times I've done this before, bidding goodbye to a city that I have grown fond of is still not getting any easier. This will be my 5th time moving to a different city, 5th time bidding goodbye to a group of familiar friends and love ones that I have grown used to and love.

It doesn't make it easier this time that I have a significant other.

When this relationship first started, I had doubts for at least 3 days whether I did the right thing or not even though I was the one who initiated the relationship. Then over the months, we grow to become used to each other - from the smell to the kiss, the touch to the cuddle.

Last night as we drove along the highway, past the city, I stare at the passing lights reflecting on all the memorable moments we had together - the first time he introduced me to his friends, the first time I introduced him to my friends, the first time he introduced me to his colleague, the first time we held hands, the time we shared stories of our past, the times we cuddled, the times we spent all night listening to Disney songs.

It's hard to describe but every time we are together, he gives me a sense of pride and a sense of gratefulness. The relationship feels so natural that sometimes I feel that its wrong - we grew to become used to each other so quickly. Don't get me wrong, I am not thinking that its a bad thing. Our relationship is not perfect either, we have both been grumpy at each other but we both also know what to say and not to say when either or us is grumpy thus we never make a drama out of it - plus, when either of us is grumpy, we usually tell each other. Usually our grumpyness is induced by either lack of food or sleep and that's usually very quickly fixed.

He has an outer layer which he believes is real, and its not a very pretty outer layer - arrogant, vain, self-centred and emotionless - and he'd shamelessly agree to them! Then when you spend enough time with him, you'd start picking up on his actions contradicting his words. The things he does and the things he would do, contradicts with the exterior of who he thinks he is.

His honesty, genuine compassion for others especially those who struggle with their sexuality or family issues, willingness to help his friends or just people around him in general - sometimes I wonder if that's more beautiful or the fact that he doesn't realised these are nice things to do make it more beautiful.

Six more days for us to enjoy each other's company and make the most of the time we have left together. It will be interesting to see what happens from then onwards, being each other's ex-partners; but whatever it is, I believe we've both brought up the best in each other and we've both become better people because of each other.

This relationship has been everything plus beautiful, and I think came at the right time in both our lives, making us both better humans because of it. I sure am going to miss this relationship a whole lot, but more so, him.

Accidental Partner

2011-05-14T19:36:00.003+10:00

"I feel lonely and I need a boy" says this guy sitting next to us at the club.

"You need to stop looking. It usually happens only when you're not looking," replied Lachlan.

And is he right or what. After breaking up with Clinton, I wasn't really keen to be in a relationship at least for a while.

Then 2 weeks before Troy came, I met up with Lachlan for coffee. A week and a half and several meetings later, we're still seeing each other.

Then came the coincidental incident of his friend John visiting him for a week, and Troy visiting me in the last few days that John was here. We didn't see each other for a few days, although I did meet John and Lachlan did meet Troy. Right after Troy left, we caught up and decided that we'll make our relationship official at least for until when I leave at the end of this month.

It's been a month now, and everything is going well so far. I've met some of his friends and he's met some of mine. He's met my housemates and they know him well now.

Everything seems natural, and I find a sense of comfort and trust with this boy, thankfully. I don't think we both put in much effort into this relationship, but everything seem to just work for whatever reason. He works full time, so we see each other on his lunch break or after work, almost 5 days a week - I wasn't overly comfortable with the idea initially, but surprisingly, we haven't got sick of each other yet.

He has a pretty big ego, he's not at all romantic and sometimes, however rarely, he slips into his cave of blankness where you can't read him and he becomes quiet. However I do realise now, those are the times when he needs his own little space or he's tired. Give him an hour or two and he'll be back to himself again.

It's the tiny thing he does that I find comfort in. Like the fact that he'll be honest with me about everything, he'll reach over and give my hand a squeeze every now and then wherever we are, and the fact that everything just seems effortless. Of course, there's the added bonus that he gives good cuddles and is very cuddle-able.

2 more weeks (14 days) and we bid each other adieu. We'll see how that goes.

Mr Crush thinks that I shouldn't trust him until we've spent at least a night together. For some reason, Lachlan isn't comfortable with the idea of spending a night together - I am not sure why. Hmm.. We'll see.

Cuddles?

2011-05-10T19:53:00.002+10:00

By the time I got there, he's crossed the street outside Central train station.

I haven't seen Troy for about a month and a half, but we've spoken so often over the phone that it felt like we have nothing to catch up on.

He's just flown in from Tasmania and it was pouring down rain, but it stopped long enough for us to get to the riverbank for some wine and dine. The rain continued to pour but we sit comfortably in the restaurant sipping our wine, taking in the beautiful view and sharing our beautiful seafood feast.

We cuddled in bed and spent 4 days just doing nothing and everything. It was all fun and games until it was time for him to go.

Sitting on the bench at the train platform, we spoke about our past and our futures, since we know our present all so well. We spoke about our fears and our darkest secrets, and we shared about our childhood dreams.

On the train to the airport, after a brief moment of silence, I broke the silence and told him my feelings for him. He turned to me, looked me straight in the eyes, took my hands and said the same thing.

At that moment, life was perfect. An almost empty train, a pair of familiar hands holding mine as we traveled through the darkness of the train tunnel.

Coming home to an empty bed where he slept for a week, where we cuddled, was actually more painful than I thought. Our lives move on in parallel. Perhaps, we might meet again somewhere in the middle. Or perhaps, not.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

2011-04-25T10:46:00.000+10:00

My housemates (a couple) are having a big argument. It's hard to be in between them because I do love them both and I really don't want them to break up. Over the past few months and weeks, I have grown really close and comfortable with Lynne - we talk about boys, we bitch about work and because I work from home most of the time these days, and so does she, we discuss about a lot of nothing and everything. On the other hand, I've lived with Roger for 2 years and he's been like the annoying big brother I never had, especially recently, we've been having lots and lots of deep and meaningful conversations. I used to think that he'd be uncomfortable with my sexuality, but he still treats me like a little brother, and he's actually taken interest in my personal life as much as me-his.

We had a long chat tonight about his relationship with Lynne and although he's only cried once in his entire life, tonight, he shed a tear. He's your very tough, masculine, alpha male who cares about nothing and worries about nothing - but recently, he wants to make a change to be more human.

So, after about 2 hours talking about him and Lynne, he told me he knows all about me and Troy and Lachlan because Lynne told him what I told her. He reassured me that I'm still his bratty little brother and he wants to be in my life too. I had an aww moment, so I told him all about Troy and Lachlan and showed him pictures of both of them.

It's so strange discussing your personal life with your straight housemate who is all manly and usually unemotional. Having said that, I am beyond grateful I have housemates that I can be comfortable around and a housemate that treats me like his little brother. It's sooo hard having to say good-bye to these people when I leave next month.

Looking at them, in some sense, I am glad I am not in a relationship, but in so many ways, its arguments like these that make a relationship stronger - at least they now know each other's weaknesses and can, hopefully, work together constructively to be better people for each other.

The Boys

2011-04-20T23:02:00.005+10:00

It's one of those days when I just want to know nothing, feel nothing, be nothing, do nothing and crawl up in bed and just sleep. It's one of those days when things have been flying smoothly, and all the stars seemed to line up exactly the way you want it to be when all of a sudden you hit a bump, skidded a little and starts to go downhill - and at the same time, the stars start to misalign slightly.

Having said that, moments like these allow me to appreciate the people around me even more and the simple things that make life so precious and beautiful.

Recently I met a beautiful boy, let's call him Lachlan. I have to admit that when I first met him, I didn't find his exterior extremely attractive. He is attractive though, that I can say - he has all the features you want in a boy (strong facial bone structure, toned body, etc) but we know the exterior doesn't do much for me. However, he is not your typical boy - we could have deep conversations and he can finish my sentences. He is attractive, but its more his attitude and intelligence that I find more attractive. He has a healthy dose of ego, although can come across as arrogant but a warm enough heart to be nice to others and he is well aware of what he does and say so that he doesn't hurt others. Having said that, whatever happens from here, I'm only going to appreciate every moment considering I am making the move in a month time.

On another note, this time next week, Troy will be up here and spending a few nights with me. He's currently in Tasmania visiting his dad and he decided to do a detour and fly up to see me before he make his 6 hours trip back to Perth.

And someone just confessed his feelings for me - although I used to quite like this person, its all faded and regardless of how many times you've done it, rejecting someone is always hard.

Be kind to one another and all my love to you.

Life, Love and Laugh

2011-03-27T18:42:00.001+10:00

Isn't it funny sometimes after you break up, you realised how blind you actually become when you think you're in love. Yes, I had one of those with Clinton - I still do really like that boy, but I don't know how I thought our relationship would work in the first place. We were both such different individuals with very different interests and passions. I am driven and passionate about all the things I believe in, where as he was happy to be a consumer, getting a job, spending the money and finding the next boyfriend. He'd never admit mistakes and rather avoid than to say sorry.

He can be rather selfish as well and I had a go at him once a few months ago, and that improved our friendship.

On another note, long time no speak and so much has happened! I've traveled out of the country, over to Melbourne, Sydney and Adelaide quite a number of times, I went to Mardi Gras in Sydney - one of the largest in the world - and I have made so many wonderful people and friends, including Ash which I spoke about a while ago. Ash had been such a supportive and loving friend I don't know if I'll ever be able to repay him what all the nurturing, support and love he has given me. I did not realise how much this has helped either until now as I look back at those times when I doubted myself, he was there planting seeds of belief and hope in me without me realising it. I have so much love, respect and admiration for him and he's given me nothing but only the best treatment.

While I was down in Sydney, I also met a boy called Troy. He's from Perth, which is like LA for you in the US, while I'm in Brisbane, which is like New York - geographically, definitely not in terms of vibrancy. I messaged him saying I don't really add people I don't know on Facebook and if he'd introduce himself. He wrote back a long message about how he's always heard about my name from conversations with his friends who are in the social change circle, so he'd love to know more about what I do. He told me what he's passionate about and what he loves doing.

I thought he was cool but didn't really pay much attention - I was busy as well at the time but when I arrived in Sydney, I updated my Facebook status saying that I'm in Sydney. He wrote to me saying that he's in Sydney as well, and I told him we can catch up if I have time but I cannot confirm anything at that point. On Friday, I texted him to meet up for brunch at 10.30am on Saturday morning, and brunch we did.

When he walked towards the table, I felt my heart skip a beat - no, not literally. He was gorgeous - much like the guy above except with blonde hair and brows and blue eyes. And then I slowly found out that he was gay as well and he was going to Mardi Gras that very night.

He canceled his lunch with his friend and we spoke all day before going shopping for his shorts. We parted ways around 4pm. I texted him to say it was great meeting him and if he wants to hang tonight to let me know. He said he was with his friend, but to cut long story short, he ditched his friends and we hung out for about 6 hours throughout the entire parade. It was an amazing parade! Then we parted ways, but we met up again on Monday morning for coffee, a long walk around beautiful Sydney, brunch and he dropped me off at the train station.

We've been texting, messaging on WhatsApp and emailing, but just last week, he met a boy. BAH!

But we're still close though, which is good. :)

Having said that, I'm out.

***

Mardi Gras was an experience like no other - although it was long (6 hours), I enjoyed every single minute, and it felt like it was only about an hour! I laughed, I had tear in my eye, I danced, I sang and I cheered like a crazy mofo with the other 400,000 people who lined the streets of Sydney.

From a bearded old man screaming and holding a placard that said, "I love and advocate for my gay son" to the contingent of openly gays from the defence force and the large contingent from the police.

I Miss You

2011-01-13T23:12:00.003+10:00

"After all, that's what most of us do when we lose someone in our family - especially if the loss is unexpected. We're shaken from our routines, and forced to look inward. We reflect on the past. Did we spend enough time with an aging parent, we wonder. Did we express our gratitude for all the sacrifices they made for us? Did we tell a spouse just how desperately we loved them, not just once in awhile but every single day?" -- Barack Obama, Tucson Speech

Sister: and there's a sad news... god mother just passed away
Me: WHAT? WHEN? WHAT HAPPENED? WTF?

God I wish my family can be a bit more sensitive when relaying sad news to me sometimes.

I slide from my sitting position into a lying position on my bed. Memories flood my mind. Good memories. Happy memories.

And so many fucking regrets.

I did not shed a tear, nor did I dwell in the grief. She lives in a tiny house made of the basic of bricks and cement. She couldn't afford to have a toilet that flushes - so you have to scoop water off a huge water container and flush the water down with a bucket. She became my god mother when I was young, and through her, I learned love, humility and I gained a loving god brother.

She was very poor, but whenever I visit her, she'd make sure that I have only the best. She did play favouritism, favouring me over my siblings but I'm not complaining. She'd buy me my favourite food, buy me toys or gifts and if she can't afford to buy anything, she'd make or bake me things. Her love was boundless and unconditional. And I lie in bed feeling a hole in my heart. If she have waited another 2 weeks, I'd have been back to see her for the last time, and to give her a kiss and a big hug, and to give her all the love, respect, admiration and appreciation that I have for her.

But alas, I am lying here in my bed, all by myself in a land 3000 miles away, feeling betrayed that she was stolen from my life. Another love gone. And I shed a tear writing this, feeling the cold, dark, deep hole left in me.

And as I write this, 75% of Queensland is under water. 15 lives lost and more than 50 still missing. That's 2x the size of Texas and 5x the size of UK. I've been waking early every morning co-ordinating volunteers for the peak volunteering organisation of the state and have been registering volunteers online. 10,000 volunteers registered and counting. I've set up an online database, liaised with the police and council and we're ready to roster and dispatch these volunteers once the water has subsided.

The sad news aren't helping though. Over 300 have died in Brazil's flood, and up to 40 lives claimed in the Philippines' flood. The flash flood in Toowoomba has claimed the life of a four year old, and a 13 year-old boy died after telling the rescuer to save his younger brother first, and he was swept away by the current.

Clinton is okay. Mr Crush is okay. So are most of my friends, except one. She's safe but her house went under, but I promised her I'll provide her meals for a week and wash, scrub and clean for her when the water recede.

"So sudden loss causes us to look backward - but it also forces us to look forward, to reflect on the present and the future, on the manner in which we live our lives and nurture our relationships with those who are still with us. We may ask ourselves if we've shown enough kindness and generosity and compassion to the people in our lives. Perhaps we question whether we are doing right by our children, or our community, and whether our priorities are in order." -- Barack Obama

But live goes on.

I went out for a walk, walking past some parts of the flood and the highway, but the entire city is closed down - police blocking people from entering the city. People walking about, some smiling, some laughing and some making the most of the situation, playing cricket in the middle of the highway. And I smiled. A stranger approached me and we chatted, and we both smiled. We smiled for the all those who were saved and are safe, we smiled for all those whose lives were inspired by the tragedy to be a better person, we smiled at all the unsung heroes, and we smiled at all those working around the clock looking for the missing, attending to those who lost their loved ones, making sure everyone's safe and I smiled because Clinton has evacuated and is very dry and safe. I grive for what I have lost, what we have lost, but I smile at what we could all do to turn this around, our potentials and capabilities to come out of these tragedies stronger and better than we were.

I smiled. And then I started heading home.

"We recognize our own mortality, and are reminded that in the fleeting time we have on this earth, what matters is not wealth, or status, or power, or fame - but rather, how well we have loved, and what small part we have played in bettering the lives of others." -- Barack Obama

I love you, yes, you reading this. I love you each and everyone of you.

And I miss ... you.

Quotes taken from the Tucson speech, at the Arizona Memorial.

The Heroic Act

2011-01-04T12:53:00.000+10:00

We grabbed ice-cream and sat in a circle on King George Square. The wind was blowing and it was a cool 16 degrees or 61F for the Americans. These 2 girls sitting across me, speaking of their struggles and their past experiences. The pain and shame they are going through, the intimidating police reports they have to make. One's confronting her demon of being sexually assaulted by a trusted neighbour, and the other, a physical abuse by his stepdad.

As I listen to their stories and as they share with each other their experiences, I felt like the odd one out, but that's a good thing. A cold gust of wind hits my face and all that I could think of is the large amount of respect, admiration and love I have for these two girls. I cannot understand what they're going through but them sharing their stories and experiences, as I quietly witness and listen, gives me a sense of hope and humanity, a sense of pride and gratefulness.

I've known them for a year, and we met at an event organised by an organisation that we're all volunteering for. As we ended the night and before we parted ways, I went and gave them both each a tight hug and as I walked towards the bus stop at the end of the long hallway, I think about all the people in the world that's suffering in silence and pain, feeling alone and lonely because of their past. I count myself lucky.

I came home to a Facebook message from a name I find familiar. I clicked on his profile and its D, and the message read, "Hi Aaron, are you coming to BNO this week? Hope to see you there."

I beamed until I almost cried. D was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, and finds it challenging to socialise. He comes to an event, BNO, organised by one of my best friends where I try to attend and help around when I can. BNO is a music/dance social event for all young people, and it consists of an almost equal mixture of children with mental and physical disabilities and those without dis/abilities. The idea is to create an event that removes all the barriers for everyone to participate equally regardless of gender, race, sexual orientation, dis/abilities and religion. I met D about 7 months ago, and three months later, when I returned to the event, he remembered my name!

When the event is on, he usually hides behind a tree outside the hall. He tries really hard to say hi to people, and to mix around, albeit for only a few seconds every time. His speech impairment makes him self-conscious, and his ASD makes him protective of his personal space, but him making a contact although through Facebook makes me beam like a kid in a candy store. I wrote him a long reply, promising him that I'll be there, and when I got there, he was as usual, behind the tree. I asked permission to come to give him a hug, he took 5 seconds to say yes. We exchanged hug, a few words and then he looked away, not once did he gave me eye-contact, but I know that's a great achievement.

Sometimes, we travel through out lives admiring the big heroes who gets all the name, but we forget these heroic acts in every individual's lives who are trying their best to fight their struggles and the status quo. We forget that its these courageous acts that makes this world goes round, and what makes life so special. And I send my love, admiration and respect to you, for whatever that you're fighting for and against at the moment. Know that these fights, although difficult, is for a better, brighter future and that I am thinking of you and wishing you well.

To blog or not to blog?

2010-12-24T23:54:00.001+10:00

That is the question.

Goodbye. I Guess This is the End.

2010-11-08T17:41:00.002+10:00

So, this is the end of this blog - A Beautifool Chaos - and for many of you, the last time you'll hear from me as well.

It's been about a year since this blog began and over the past year, many, many things have changed, including coming out to my housemates and some of my friends. I have also become more and more comfortable being at least bisexual or gay.

It would be a lie to say that I wrote this blog entirely for myself, because although I wrote this blog for myself and as a form of reflection on my own coming out / acknowledgment process, this blog has also served as a platform for me to actually get to know a lot of you guys - many whom have shared your compelling story with me. You guys are also the reason that I have been moving forward and I have also become really close friend with a number of you, and friends with a few of you.

I really cannot thank you enough for being a significant part of my life and walking this walk with me, and at the same time, over the past year, I've also probably made a few enemies as well so if you're one of them, I apologise. I've never meant to harm anyone or offend anyone - if anything, I just want everyone to be well and happy. And if you want to hug it out, send me an email, rant your heart out and I'll reply.

So, I guess, this is the end. I'll turn this blog into private so its inaccessible within the next few days - I'll check my email for another few days and reply and bid farewell to some of you. I'll also be deleting my twitter account and disappear from your life as quick as I appeared a year ago. I cannot thank you guys individually because I don't even know who else is reading, but if you are, please send me an email - if I want to continue to keep in touch with you, I'll reply and reveal my identity and we'll keep in touch through my real identity.

I don't know what else I can say other than you're all a great bunch of people with so much compassion and kindness. It's so hard to believe that sometimes, but I hope you find them within you.

For all those who are still struggling through life just because of your sexuality, I hope you realise that somewhere, around this big, big world is quite a number of people who would love to give you a great big hug and tell you that "it's okay, mate. It will get better". Whatever shitty time you're going through, please remember that there is always someone who love you just the way you are - you just haven't met the person yet. Get help, reach out, build support and make sure you surround yourself with people you love. I've said this many, many times but I do want you guys to realise that there is hope.

For those who are and have been curious about how I look like, here's a picture for you. I hope that feeds your curiosity and make up for the fact that I am disappearing from your life.

For those who have written me all those love emails (a grand total of 2 of you), I very much appreciate it. To those who have written me emails and shared your stories with me and allow me into some parts of your life, I am so grateful and I cannot thank you enough.

I with you all, only the best and I hope you guys ~~don't wank over my picture~~ keep holding onto hope and happiness.

For the very last time, much love to you all.

PS: The best way to contact me over the next few days is through my email - beautifoolchaos@gmail.com

Added: I wanted to clarify that nothing bad happened or anything dramatic that prompted me to close this blog. I just think that its the right and perfect time to move on from this blog. :) I'm slowly replying to emails, so bear with me.

Two Breaths Short

2010-10-30T18:37:00.000+10:00

My life at the moment is like a train traveling at 200 km/hr on a never-ending journey. There is so much to do and so little time.

I've been traveling between Melbourne and Brisbane (that's a 2.5 hours flight) every two weeks the past month, and I'll be in Sydney this Wednesday and two weeks later, I'll be flying to Canberra. This, plus trying to conduct a series of focus groups, analyse my data and write my findings for work, and trying to complete 6 assignments within the next 1.5 weeks.

I've been waking up at 7am everyday, and going to bed past midnight trying to fit as much as I can into my day. It's a challenge trying to do all that, plus trying to socialise and spend time with people close to me, and what makes it even more challenging is trying to understand what people want from me.

It's frustrating, its extremely exhausting and at times, I really do feel like quitting - to jump on a plane and escape to somewhere isolated and far, far away. Sometimes, it gets overwhelming and all I want to do is to fly somewhere where I can start everything all over again and live a life as if I'm not responsible for anyone at all.

But alas, here I am, clenching my fist and grinding my teeth, marching forward as much as I humanely can.

Enough of my indulgence and whinge. Here's hoping everyone is well and happy.

We've Got No Place for Intolerance

2010-10-29T00:37:00.000+10:00

I am doing a subject on Teaching and Diversity - its a pre-requisite, which means that all pre-service teachers have to do the subject. We learn all about diversity - of race, religion, learning abilities, disabilities, sexuality - in the subject and the one last week was on sexuality, which conveniently was the one that I missed.

I finally caught up with some of my friends today and they told me that during the lecture, after an intense lecture by a guest lecturer who spoke deeply about her experience as a lesbian in a mainstream school - feeling isolated, rejected and discriminated against - a student put up his hand and uttered some nasty comments about LGBT. This student has been known to be controversial but his comments was way overboard.

He is very religious, and he expressed his lack of empathy for LGBT and his belief that our "choice of lifestyle" resulted in the consequences we suffer. He also showed lack of empathy for the recent suicide of gay teens in the United States. The whole class went into chaos, and I am cut I missed the drama, but apparently, one of my good friends, and one of the most gorgeous, gorgeous man you'll ever meet, stood up and asked him to "fuck off, you don't deserve to be in here and its a disgrace you're sitting in this room".

Ha! I was so proud of him after I heard that and sent him a message - and felt very bad that I missed his birthday drinks, even though he only invited 8 of his most special friends. I did not realised that because he is the popular kid at uni, and I thought I was just one of his friends.

Anyway, to feed your LGBT advocacy, here are some videos you need to watch if you haven't already.

Kids, things are improving and give it another 10 - 25 years, the society will have very very very tiny place for intolerance. Like nasty diseases, we wouldn't be able to completely rid it, but it'll be something that everyone loathe. Hang in there. :)

The Boy Who Stared At Me

2010-10-18T20:35:00.001+10:00

Some of you might remember, a few weeks ago, I was down in Melbourne and met up with one of Nic's friends. I've never really blogged about what happened when we met and after so here is a story.

If you have read the previous post, you'd know that I actually knew this boy before. His name is Dan. So, the night before I left for Melbourne, Nic IM'ed me and asked me to introduce him some of my friends in Melbourne. I thought that was weird - me introducing my friends to Nic? He later explained that he wants me to introduce my friends to him so that he can hook them up with his friend, Dan. That just got even weirder, since I've never even spoken to this Dan guy. However, I suggested that I could meet up with Dan and after knowing Dan, I can introduce him to some of my friends. I actually had in mind a friend I wanted to introduce him - who is also gay, but now that I know Dan, they are never gonna be together.

Back to the story, I was in a rush packing that night, so I quickly IM'ed Dan - briefly introduced myself and then told him that if he wants, we should meet. I think he got a little nervous, but who would've thought he said ok! However, at the last minute (few hours before), he canceled on me! Later, he gained his balls and decided to meet. :P

We met outside Max Brenner, arguably one of Melbourne's best chocolate place. I thought, "Well, a 17 year old, probably doesn't drink coffee, so chocolate it is". It was also cold on that day, so a warm chocolate is perfect right?

We met, shook hands and went in. I thought he was alright-looking, mega quiet and would never say more than 5 words in one sentence. We sat there for an hour just chatting, or more like me struggling thinking of questions to ask to avoid awkward silences, and him not helping at all by answering two to three words replies.

There were a few silences I have to admit, but they weren't awkward, thankfully. However, throughout the whole conversation, Dan would stare at me. It was freaky. What's even freakier was when I look elsewhere, he would stare at me and when I caught him doing it, he'd pretend and turn somewhere else. This whole freaky staring at me thing went on throughout the hour, which I have to admit, I thought was very weird.

We then went for a walk around Federation Square for an hour before we went separate ways and headed home. We had a "debrief" of the meet that night - making sure that he wasn't overly nervous and that he was fine with it all, which he was.

We then arranged to meet again the next day, this time for coffee after we worked out that we both actually love coffee. I brought him to a cool, grungy little coffee shop neatly tucked away in a laneway right in the middle of the city, but away from the hustle and bustle.

We talked for over 2 hours. This time, he did the whole staring thing again. He opened up a lot more, this time laughing and smiling, and telling jokes. I also dug out all the dirty stories from him. *coughs*

It wasn't until that night when I asked him if he actually has a crush on me, and upon further questioning that he admitted to it. Ha! I thought so. And that explains all the staring!

Since then, we've been chatting almost on a daily basis and he's confessed his love for me more than once. I have to admit that even though I did not have a crush on him at all when I first met him, over time, I do feel responsible for him. If I were asked to not talk to him right now, or care about his happiness and well-being, I won't be able to do it.

This is him making a love sign for another boy, whoever that person is.

Besides, he's 17 and although in certain aspects, he is mature beyond his years, I don't know if I know him well enough - even though he's been telling me everything and anything. I just have so many questions in my head. Having said that, he makes me happy, he can carry a conversation like a 20 year old and he has his cuteness and charm that he knows how to use against me. And he reminds me that he loves me every single day.

I know he's definitely going to read this, and I know he will hate me for posting this, but this is him. He used to make videos, as you can tell.

And if you want more stories, harrass him on Twitter - @Crazy_Boi93.

PS: This was written a week back. I am currently in Melbourne again, and things has changed a lot since then.

Clench Fist, Tighten Jaw, Deep Breath, March On

2010-10-10T23:37:00.001+10:00

After all the events that have happened over the past two nights, I lie here impressed with myself that I am still breathing.

Life has its own ways of biting you when you least expect it to, even when the events are not a consequent of your actions. Three events that left my heart skipping beats, my body melting into the ground and my brain going blank like a wind blowing past sweeping all my thoughts, consciousness and soul with it, leaving me empty.

I'm tired. I am really exhausted.

Update soon.

My Housemate is a Pimp

2010-10-03T19:21:00.002+10:00

So, the weather forecast for Stradbroke Island was crap so we decided to cancel our trip. I spent the rest of the week at home resting up before the big storm. Looking at my calendar for the next few weeks makes me excited but anxious at the same time - I'm starting a new job, same role (Researcher), same place but different department; starting uni again (final month) and starting two consulting roles for two new non-profit organisations.

And then there's the travels to Melbourne and Sydney for a week in two weeks time, and a student leadership conference.

Over the last few weeks, my housemate (a girl) has gone from depressed to extremely excited about life, and unfortunately, one of the things in her excitement list is gay-ing me up and pimping me out. She's launched a campaign to find me a boyfriend, and it is fun and funny but at the same time, slightly inappropriate. She's determined to find me a "hot boyfriend" (her words).

I went to a party with her on Friday night where there were at least 2 gay couples and 4 gay/bi guys amongst the other 20 or so straight men. Guys kept coming up to me and talked to me, which was kinda weird until one really, really gorgeous (straight) guy came up to me and told me my housemate has been trying to pimp me out - she was quite drunk at this stage. He exclaimed that I act and dress too straight to be gay and I need to gay myself up a bit more - gay lesson from a straight man, awkward... I have a picture with this guy and my housemate so if you're on my Facebook, you know what I mean by gorgeous. We had a laugh about it and just hung out for the rest of the night. At one stage, I was sleeping on his crotch on someone's bed and he liked it.

Edited: OK, I felt the need to explain this part - I was lying in someone's bed together with another 6 others just chilling to music when he walked in and asked me to move my head so he can sit down. I moved up and then he directed my head to lie on his crotch, so I thought I'd point out the obvious and he replied, "It's OK. I like it" and.... I actually didn't mind it.

We partied until 4.00am and I was still relatively sober so I walked home (it was a 20 mins walk). On Saturday night, we headed out into the Valley (the red light district of Brisbane) for my birthday. My housemate organised the event, and thus, we went to a gay bar - see what I mean by her attempt to gay me up and pimp me out? Before we hit the town, we went to my best friend's house for pre-drinks, and I really did not plan this too well. When my housemate and Mr Crush met, its like putting two devils together (they've never met). They excitedly discussed their plans to pimp me out and my attempt at separating them was kind of an epic fail.

And that, they did. Throughout the whole night, they dragged men to the dance floor over to me and sandwiched us together. It was well... wrong but I was pretty smashed at this stage and really was in my own world. Hooking up really isn't my kind of thing - I can dirty dance with you but that's just as far as I can go. I did get a girl to dirty dance and make out (for a few secs) with though.

Whenever a not-so-hot guy try to check me out, either my housemate or Mr Crush, or both of them would pretend they're my partner(s). Mr Crush has his hands all over me and at one point in my pants! My housemate kissed me all over and I woke up with lipstick marks all over my cheeks and neck.

However, my housemate did drag a really, really gorgeous, classy man to me though. He is my housemate's ex-colleague and is a model (I can testify that he has sexy abs - I touched them). He joined us in the circle, and several men came to try steal him away but he stayed. We may have dirty danced a bit. We may or may not have kissed, but I certainly did ditch him at the dance floor and went to "get water" - but left the bar to go home. Yes, I ditched my housemate and all my other friends too (there were about 6 of us altogether but we were pretty separated). I was feeling sick and I found a sober friend to drive me home.

I woke up this morning to my housemate coming home (she slept at my best friend's house), excitedly announcing that she's now Mr Crush's good friend and they're organising a second gay night out for me, and this time, making sure that I hook up. WTF!

Let the Holidays Begin

2010-09-28T13:31:00.000+10:00

Arrived in Sydney on Thursday morning and the weather was perfect. I went straight into the office where I had a bit of fun poking around at all the staff member and had a bit of catch up with most of them. Friday was spent meeting people after people and then early Saturday morning, I left for Wollongong, a town of 250,000 people about 160 km south of Sydney.

I was there to present at a conference, but it wasn't a spectacular conference, really. I was going to train straight back to Sydney that night, but was peer-pressured into staying the night, which I did and attended the gala dinner. The dinner was good - had a lot of fun, networked with a few significant individuals and then we headed into the city for a big night out. I did not really drink, but I sure did dance my heart out.

This really super cute boy also chatted with me all night - he looks really young, but he's 19 and he is a major cutie. We spoke about his past, his present and his hopes and dreams. I really want to mentor this boy because I really do believe that he can do great things.

Anyway, didn't get home until 3.00 am but spent the next day on the beach munching on a big breakfast (with bacon - makes everything better) and a good cup of coffee.

North Beaches - Wollongong

Got back to Sydney that night and had a night out with Brett and some of our friends. That boy is getting gay-er and gay-er each day, but still awfully cute. Apart from his lame jokes and social skills or lack thereof, it was good to see him again.

Bronte Beach - Sydney

Spent all day the next day meeting my mentor and just chilling at Bronte Beach with my mates. Got home at midnight last night and off to Stradbroke Island tomorrow at 6.30 am - hopefully that's where my real holidays begin.

Stradbroke Island

Be jealous! I'll have some good time on behalf of youse. :)

Falling in Love All Over Again

2010-09-23T01:22:00.000+10:00

Melbourne is the second largest city in Australia and probably one of the prettiest as well. I know it is of no comparison to Sydney but I am not a big fan of Sydney.

I've blogged about Melbourne quite a bit and I've always been a fan of Melbourne. I was planning to move to Melbourne but the weather in Brisbane totally stole my heart but coming back to Melbourne, apart from the disgusting weather, feels like falling in love all over again.

The people that I know, the variety and abundant of awesome food and cafes, the quirky, edgy, rough places, and the subtle European culture combined with a unique Australian twist makes Melbourne a bit more livable and elegant than the other cities.

I'm a huge coffee fan and you find tons of coffee places in Melbourne. Melbourne is also home to some of the largest sports in the world, e.g. the Australian Open and the biggest comedy festival, e.g. International Melbourne Comedy Festival.

Other than that, its just been an amazing week of meeting some of my closest friends, some newly met and some that I've made over the interweb through various collaborative projects. One of my good friend from high school is here as well and we've been hanging out the past few days and it's just incredibly weird but refreshing in a way hanging out with someone you've known for the past 11 years.

A year ago, Nic also introduced me to a friend of his who is from Melbourne. We had a few chats but never really long chats because he's a bit shy and slightly more quiet, which at that time, I thought he was just being antisocial so we never really talked much and never spoke since.

A year later, Nic asked me to introduce him to some friends, and I looked back at our Skype log and realised I've actually spoken to this Dan guy before. So I had a chat with him again, which was more like, "Hey, Nic told me you're a bit lonely and want some friends. Can you give me 5 mins to pack and I'll come chat with you". I know it was awkward but I was actually packing. So half an hour later, I had a 10 mins chat with him and offered to meet him when I get down to Melbourne and he agreed!

On the day we were supposed to meet, I totally forgot about it, so I arranged to meet him the day after, and he said okay. At the very last minute, he got nervous and cancelled, but then about 30 mins later, he said its cool to meet again. Lol.

We met and we chatted. He was awfully shy and quiet, but we got over the awkward silences after a while and hung out for 2 hours. And then we hung out again the next day for about 4 hours, which is kinda cool. I think it was about 2 hours later that we finally broken the ice and I pushed all the shyness and quietness out of him, and we just became good friends.

Aaaahh... Melbourne. How I heart you.

PS: I also love the very, very artistic side of Melbourne.

Featured Comment 2: wtf?

2010-09-12T21:43:00.000+10:00

So, this week's featured comment goes to the most random, wtf, drunkard comment from none other than Taylor. I don't wanna know what this boy is on, but he's definitely on something when he posted this comment, I reckon.

saturday morning? what are you talking about, it's still friday night dummy! ;) it's not physically possible to watch a movie in the future... I mean how would you know what the plot line is? Are you telling us you invented a time machine? Holy shit man really? Dude can you tell us how you did it? Can I travel forwards in time too? I would like to play the stock market please and win back the money that I lost at the casino tonight. Please email me and let me know at which times you are not using your time machine so I may borrow it. Thank you, best regards, au revoir, bonne nuit ami....

-Taylor (the one and only, when are we getting friggin married already... CAESER!!!)

This was in response to my post yesterday, Remember Me.

And to that random Caeser person, if you're reading this, email me. beautifoolchaos [at] gmail.com . We missed you and have something for you.

Alright, so I also did another post to be posted today, but its Featured Comment day, therefore I decided to post it tomorrow. It's an audio blog and this time, after all the feedback from you guys, I decided to not put any audio on, so be very pleased!

And in Kayess' words, it will make your "ears jizz with joy". Disgusting.

Remember Me

2010-09-11T15:23:00.001+10:00

My housemate rented this movie and left it on the kitchen table. I thought I'd have a quiet Saturday morning and put on a DVD, to start the day. So, I got out of bed, made breakfast and had a 5 mins chat with my housemate.

After she left for work, I put on the DVD and spent the next 2 hours tranfixed to the visual box.

It is a romance movie, and it is your ordinary movie.

But it has an ending you just wouldn't expect. I don't know what it is about today, or the week that have been, or the week that's coming up, but this movie really had a big impact of me after watching it, that's for sure.

I hope you're having a great weekend wherever you are. Lots of love to you and I hope you're well.

Happy Disposition

2010-09-07T22:17:00.000+10:00

~ Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap

You were born to live a life and to be happy. You started talking, started walking and started making friends. You go to school, make lots of friends, spend most of your days with your friends and your life is all about either your family or friends, or both.

Some way along the line, you hit puberty and you started to understand sexuality. You tried to be straight, in the hope that it is all but just a dream. You dated girls, you made love for the first time and you thought you were in love. You broke up, you cried and you missed her.

You finish school, go to university, make even more friends and lived a decent life. You slowly forget that you were born to be happy. You also started to think about your sexuality more and more, and it hurts you that you cannot tell your family or friends, because of fear.

You fear that they will reject you, you fear that you will have no control over the spread of the news, you fear that if you tell one person, everyone will know, you fear that life will be different after that, you fear that this will mean a different lifestyle, you fear you will be the gay kid. Or you actually fear about fear itself - you don't know what you fear, you just... fear.

You started a blog, make some golden friends and became more comfortable with your sexuality. You slowly garner the courage to come out to one friend. It went well, so you told a second, and then a third and slowly more.

You found a boyfriend, and you live happily ever after.

Maybe the last part is too much a fairytale.

***

This week, I am thankful for many things, and one of them is to Taylor - my pilot boyfriend if anyone still remembers.

It's been a full-on two weeks - juggling full-time work, starting a project/non-profit organisation, being social and trying to run the necessary errands. It hits you in the face and I've been known to overstress myself, lose my sense of humour and then crash.

It's at times like these, I am eternally grateful for friends who send me random text messages to keep me laughing, random phone calls and the random visits from my friends bearing beers.

I am also thankful for bloggers like Brett who provides me much humour (and worry), and Taylor who, this week sent me an email that had me giggling. He also sent me a few ~~naked~~ photos of him and trust me, this boy is a major cutie. Add that with his very random emails and excellent sense of humour, that's why he's my boy. :)

PS: He's not really my boy.

Featured Comment 1: Hate Mail

2010-09-05T19:01:00.001+10:00

Since I hardly reply to any comments because I find it challenging to keep up and I have a backtrack of emails I am yet to reply to, I decided to have a featured comment at the end of every week instead.

I do read your emails and comments, and I do read almost all the blogs of my commentors - so if you've commented on my blog, I read your blog.

I decided to post one from the week before because its hilarious. After my post on What Would You Do? about a blogger that I found out was lying about several things that he's told me, Dean wrote this as a joke:

I confess. Aaron is talking about me!

I've secretly been lying to everyone all this time.

My real name is Roberta.

I'm a 300-pound, silver-haired woman in her late 60's.

After my third husband left me I became despondent. All of my nine children (who are all named Bobbi-Jo) were grown and lived far away.

And after my many cats died suddenly I was then all alone.

While surfing the internet one day for coupons to Lane Bryant, I discovered the blogging community.

I read about all of your interesting lives and grew jealous and spiteful. So I concocted a fake blog and have been deceiving everyone ever since!

It feels deliciously sweet bamboozling all of you pathetic souls!

First I infiltrated the blogosphere, next I conquer the free world!!

Bwah ha ha ha!!!

-Roberta

P.S.: Sorry Aaron, I couldn't resist! I thought we could use a little something to lighten the mood!

For this week, I had to feature this comment because its the first ever comment criticising me, and I felt that I have to justify myself. The comment came after my post on The Mysterious Blogger. A reader called William wrote:

I am surprise nobody has said anything except continuing this gossip nonsense. First of all, you don't know what the truth is.(you suspected that he'd harm someone. Give me a break!) And I really don't think it's your place to judge. So what if he fabricated, again, it's none of your business. This whole thing sounded really petty, so disappointing coming from you.

William, you really point out a good point and a part that is much needed in the whole situation. I don't know the truth and therefore I had every reason to be worried about the well-being of the young ones. I don't think I am judging, nor am I "gossip"ing, I was merely stating my observations and findings. I didn't mean to create any gossip from my statements. It's my business if I personally had a strong connection with someone and considered that person a friend. Furthermore, when it involves other people that I know of, I have every reason to be worried as well. However, I do agree that its important people don't start making assumptions and adding bits and pieces that's not evidence-based to the whole story though, to avoid any kind of gossip.

It's About Us

2010-09-04T00:06:00.000+10:00

A few weeks ago, after a long tiring day, I came home and checked the mail box to find a small, perfectly packaged square looking mail addressed to me. The stamp said it was from Chicago, and immediately, I knew it was non other than the beautiful, beautiful Dean Grey.

The background story is, a few months ago, a group of artist bloggers decided to put together a collaborative art project as a form of encouragement and to show our love and appreciation for Dean, who obviously is a significant individual to the whole community and gave many people lots of inspiration, love and laughter directly or indirectly, and its a way for us to show the project is not so much about an individual or a particular person but about the community. It's about us.

Now, I know, technically, I am not part of the community because my painting is as good as a 5 year old, but hey, I'm trying alright. At least I managed faked it, and they accepted me.

My masterpiece - some say its comparable to some of Picasso's greatest work. And quite clearly, if you can't feel this art piece, you're just not open yourself enough, or you're just shit at art. Face it.

Now, having said all that, thank you so much for the mail art, Dean. It's an awesome surprise after a full-on day, but most of all, they are beautiful! I absolutely love them. Thank you!