Are you immersed in the search for the ‘one’? Dating online? Asking people to fix you up with single friends? Have you hit a wall? Without proper support and good healthy habits, it can feel overwhelming and depressing, this constant feeling of being let down in your love life. Giving up on dating can feel like the right thing to do. This morning, I read a blog post by a single woman in her mid thirties, someone who is struggling with depression over her single status. I thought her words were poignant enough to share here.

“The last few days I have been thinking about the man I recently dated and I have been feeling lonely. Part of me misses him very much and part of me knows that it is not him I miss but the ‘him’ I wish he was, the ‘him’ he would be if he were the person I could spend my life with. He is not that person, so what I really miss is that person, wherever he is.

But I feel like my life is like a doughnut. It is rich and good and has many good things, but still there is a hole in the middle where a good man and a good relationship are supposed to be.”

The blogger has preferred to be anonymous, but her words struck a chord in me. Have you ever felt like your life is like that donut, with a hole in the middle, just waiting to be filled by the right guy or girl?

As a dating coach, it is my opinion that one’s life needs to be filled first, without a soul mate. The man of your dreams should be the icing on the cake, someone who enhances the wonderful person that you already are. If you are depressed, despondent, just waiting for your white knight to swoop you off your feet, you will be waiting a long time. And that relationship, if it ever does come, will not be fulfilling in the long run.

So go out today and have some fun. Do things that make you happy, fill you intellectually, spiritually, physically. A happy person makes a great partner.

Please share what you do when/if you’ve hit the dating wall.

I believe that the best couples are often people who imagined their perfect guy/girl entirely differently. Some of my closest friends who are happily married, were surprised to find that their dream of the ideal mate fell to the wayside when they met their spouse. That guy who wasn’t their dream look, didn’t have their idea of a dream job, didn’t live in their ideal location, turned out to be their dream husband.

This morning, I read this success story on the online dating site, Frumster.com. I am sharing it with you because I think it’s important to keep an open mind as to the person you might end up with. Let me know what you think!

Cynthia and David

Dave contacted me in December 2008 through Frumster, explaining that he was contacting me not because he thought we were a good match, but because he admired my profile, and wanted to wish me well in my continued search.  Dave was very supportive and genuine, and I wrote back that I really appreciated his giving me encouragement.  I thought that would be the end of our communication, but I heard from Dave again, and within a month’s time, we were talking on the phone.  We enjoyed talking to each other on the phone, and joked about meeting each other, but Dave was hesitant to come to CA to meet me because of the reasons he thought made us unsuitable for one another: A) We live 3,000 miles apart. B) Our familial/religious backgrounds are very different (I am a convert to Judaism). C) I want to have more children, and he is “ready for grandchildren.”

From January 2009 to June 2009, we had occasional phone conversations, and became friends, both supporting each other through disappointing events and sharing information about our lives and histories that were quite personal.  In June 2009 I called Dave fully expecting to wish him a “mazal tov” on an engagement, as he had been dating a woman close to home with whom he seemed to be an excellent match.  However, the relationship did not work out, and the phone conversation was humorous  and lengthy, with Dave expressing his joy related to his son’s recent engagement and the fact that I called him.  He wondered out loud why he did not just get on a plane to CA to meet me. I said I thought we should meet, and over the next few weeks, we talked daily on the phone, shared more pictures with one another, and finalized plans to meet in CA on July 23, 2009.

During the above phone conversations, Dave said he knew that I would be very good for him, and I came to an awareness that Dave was the nicest guy I had encountered while dating after my divorce and that I felt like he truly cared about me.  Our differences were beginning to melt away as we discovered that we share the same core values and want basically the same things out of life.  Also, we felt very comfortable with one another.  Dave said he would actually want to have more children with me, and I could imagine making adjustments in my religious observance and moving to NY because Dave is worth it.

We met, and discovered that we had excellent chemistry, genuine trust, and respect for one another.  On a subsequent trip to CA, Dave met my son, Micah, who has autism, and was not deterred by this challenge.  I also met Dave’s children, and the children and other relatives met each other.  On Dec. 23, 2009, Dave proposed marriage to me at Tea Fusion restaurant in Brooklyn.  Our wedding will be on June 13, 2010 in Brooklyn, NY.  We both feel extremely fortunate, blessed, honored, and happy to be with one another, and are excitedly anticipating our lives together as husband and wife.  We are very grateful to G-d, Frumster, and friends and family who supported us along the way.  I am living proof that a 40 year-old convert to Judaism with a disabled son can find the man of her dreams.

Over a year ago Dave told Cynthia she would know her prince charming when she found him—he just did not know it would be him.

Cynthia hopes the above story will inspire others to keep trying, especially when the search for one’s soul mate seems discouraging and even hopeless.  Continue to have hope and be the best person you can be.  Wonderful things can happen!

It’s easy to lose perspective when you are dating and it’s not going well. Many clients have shared their dating disaster stories, and after a string of bad first dates, it’s easy to believe that the right guy is just not out there. A good friend sent me this story a few days ago. I love the way it illustrates perspective so clearly. Let me know what you think.

A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous “yes.”

The Professor then produced two cups of coffee (or wine…) from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the space between the grains of sand.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things–your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else -the small stuff.”

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Go out to dinner with a loved one. Play another 18.

There will always be time to work, clean and fix things. “Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee (wine) represented. The Professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee(wine) with a friend.”

So, the next time you feel overwhelmed with what to focus on, remember this story. If you are trying to figure out if the guy you’re dating has the ‘right stuff’, think about what really matters most to you. Think about the five things in life that are non-negotiable to you. And focus on that. Try not to let the other stuff get in the way, such as how charming and good looking he is, the flowers he sent you. That’s the sand in the jar, the small stuff. Those things are nice in the short run, but if you are looking for a relationship that matters in the long run, you need to look deeper. Look at his values. Those are your golf balls.

Fill your jar with golf balls and you will have the makings of a lasting relationship, someone with him you want to share many cups of coffee or glasses of wine. Someone who matters for all the right reasons.

A few days ago, I matched up a client with a man who seemed to share her values; integrity, honesty, kindness, intelligence, tenacity. After a few email exchanges, he told her that he liked her online profile and found her compelling. The distance between their homes was a bit farther than he would usually travel for a date, but her profile lured him in, and he wanted to ‘chat’. She was about to send him her phone number, when I put the brakes on that email.

“Did he ask you for your number?” I asked. “No,” she said. “Men generally prefer to be hunters. They like to chase you, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Don’t give out your number until he specifically asks for it. Let him chase you a little bit more,” I advised. She carefully crafted a new email, breezy in tone, and instead of handing him her phone number on a plate, she asked him what he meant by ‘chat’.

“Let’s talk! I want to call you. What’s your phone number?” he clearly and quickly responded. My client was thrilled. She had made it through a volley of several emails and was at stage two of the online dating world: The Phone Call!

When the thrill abated a little, she was a bit overwhelmed with the whole online dating world. “I don’t think I’m cut out for this online dating thing,” she lamented. “It feels like a game.” Yes, it can feel like a game if you look at it that way. But I see it differently. I think that men and women communicate differently. In order to have a successful relationship, it is imperative that we learn to speak each other’s languages. That includes letting men hunt women. And no, I am not advocating that you give up your power to a man in order to have a successful relationship. I just think that if you play your cards right and still be true to yourself, you will have much more success in dating. You will attract the ‘right’ kind of guy into your life.

Don’t be so readily available. Don’t email back within five minutes of receiving his email. Don’t send your phone number in the first or second email. You will appear too desperate, and no one wants to be with a desperate person. A decent, grounded man will ask for your number if he wants it. He will pursue you if he thinks you are worth getting to know better. I think it’s wise to let him ask.

So, next time you’re tempted to offer your phone number without his request, be patient. If he’s a quality guy and he wants to get to know you, he will chase after you. Don’t you want a guy to know that you value yourself? By holding back a little, you will show him that you are not a loser, but that you love yourself and you are worth pursuing. Your patience will yield you great results. Just you wait and see!

“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” Christopher Robin to Pooh

When life gets you down, when you feel rejected, dejected, and down and out, remember that you are wonderful, that your friends see the true treasure that you are, even when you don’t. Go find a good friend, and ask them to remind you what they love about you.

Who’s your Christopher Robin?

I was just featured on Mint.com, a popular website on managing your finances. Susan Johnston wrote this very informative article on dating on the cheap. The author outlines 8 great options for dating without spending a lot of money. In this economy, we could all use some good money saving tips. Let me know what you think. I am honored to be featured in option number 1, and the accompanying photo, by Shayne Kaye illustrates my cheap date idea!

http://www.mint.com/blog/saving/inexpensive-date-ideas-06032010/

Do you have any great cheap date ideas to share? What was your favorite low-cost date?

Of course you want to be happy. Maybe you feel that the key to happiness lies in finding the man or woman of your dreams. You are not alone. Happiness, that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, can seem elusive to some. Why does it feel so hard? I’d like to suggest that perhaps we are focusing on the wrong things.

The truth is that happiness is not that hard to achieve. In order to have the man or woman of your dreams, you need to be happy with yourself. Yes, I know that sounds like a big old cliché. But it just happens to be a simple truth. To be happier, refocus your life by considering the following key steps:

KEY #1

Stop looking for happiness over there.

Perhaps you are attracted to happy people and wonder why they get to be so lucky? Why is their life so much better than yours? Why do they have more money, more balanced kids, more supportive parents, healthier relationships, better friends, just fill in the blank? Everyone has their share of sh%^*t.  It’s how they deal with it that matters. This is your sh%^*t we’re talking about. You get to choose how to deal with it.

KEY #2

Less talk, more action and focus.

What you say to yourself and others doesn’t matter as much as what you do. It’s your focus, or lack of it, that counts. What do you focus on every day? The focus of your life should be consistent with your priorities. Do you focus every day on your happiness? Are your actions consistent with your focus? If you are happier, you will be more likely to attract a healthy partner.

KEY #3

Live happiness right now.

Happiness exists only in the now. The best way to begin your discovery of true happiness is to stop looking for it. Happiness is not a discovery; it is already in you, waiting to be unveiled. To be truly happy is to unblock the shields to your happiness, uncover the joy within, and share that with others. You will be a magnet for positive people and attract a wonderful mate.

KEY #4

Focus your good attitude on a person that you want to attract.

Giving someone your undivided attention makes him or her feel special. Your aura of happiness will rub off. You will become irresistible because you are giving to another. Sharing joy is sexy!

Key #5

Simplify your life.

Get rid of negative energy. Drop resentments and assumptions. Focus on happiness NOW. If you want a happy life and a joyous relationship, share the happiness that is within yourself, and do it right now. Do it with clarity and focus. Get rid of all black holes of energy.

As Ghandi so eloquently said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Change your happiness and see what you attract into your life.

I think women obsess too much on their physical appearance! “I’m too fat, too thin, men won’t like my body”. Personally, I haven’t had a scale in my house for at least 30 years. I know when I am at a comfortable weight by the way I look and feel, and when my clothes don’t fit, I usually don’t blame the dryer. My focus is on staying healthy and fit for my body type. Most women I know weigh themselves daily and think they have to look ‘perfect’ for a man. Cellulite is the enemy. A little muffin top, and they’re hiding at home, waiting to lose the weight. So, what do men think about all these body issues?

I just saw this video about what men think on Evan Marc Katz’s (dating coach) Facebook page, and I had to share it with you.

How true is this video to you? Do you think men really think this way?

Sugar and spice and everything nice. From the time we are little girls, most women are taught to be kind to all people, but at what expense? In the dating world, nice can be toxic. I know, it sounds like a contradiction, but how many times have you been nice when you were not really interested in a guy? Stayed on the phone too long just to be nice? Didn’t say no to a good night kiss (or more) when you were not attracted at all, because you didn’t want to be mean? Or worse, put up with a guy who was mistreating you because you confused nice with firm?

Let’s clarify the different ways to be nice. There’s the nice that I would categorize as polite. Saying please and thank you, asking him about his life instead of focusing only on your own. Nice can also be rejecting someone without hurting their feelings. In the online dating arena, nice can be crafting a kind reply to an email from a person who doesn’t interest you but took the time and effort to craft a sweet invitation to connect. It also means not burning your bridges. Maybe down the road, this person will be right for you or a friend. If you are unkind now, you may blow your prospects for a second chance.

However, nice is not always in your best interest. Example: he always calls you at the last minute and you drop plans with friends to be with him. Are you being nice to him, but unkind to your friends? I don’t think you are being kind to anyone here, especially to yourself. Here’s what you risk: he sees you as having low standards, and you are setting yourself up for being treated poorly by him in the future. Your friends see you as a lousy friend, making ‘last minute Joe’ your first priority instead of them, your long-term buddies who really love you. And over time, after he rejects you because he doesn’t really value you, you will probably see that you’ve lost out on your own self-dignity.

It is not always easy to set standards for yourself as to how you want to be treated by others. But it is an essential first step in dating. Ask yourself, what are your five non-negotiables in a relationship? How do you want to be treated? You get to choose. Make that list before you go on another date. It’s about time to separate out the right way to be nice. It should never be at the risk of losing yourself.

What are your five non-negotiables? I would love for you to share them here.

Welcome to the 21st century of dating! In the ‘good old’ days, that is before internet dating, people met in a few basic ways: through friends, at a ‘mixer’, a bar, or through a personals ad in a newspaper. The eighties introduced video dating, where people recorded themselves at a video dating service, and interested parties were able to view your tape. And now, we have online dating, the most popular way to meet a potential mate.

Congratulations, you’ve joined an online dating service! You like someone’s profile and they like yours. One of you starts a line of communication. Now it gets a little confusing. How do you initiate communication? Can a woman email first? Do you send a ‘flirt’/'icebreaker’ or whatever your site calls a canned one liner, such as “You seem amazing. How is it that you weren’t snatched up yet”, or something along those lines?

Step one: Although the one liners are an option, none of my clients will respond to one. To them, it means “you’re too lazy to start a conversation of your own origin”. I recommend sending a brief email, either male or female initiated. This email should reflect that you have read the person’s profile and liked what they had to say. It should be specific. Otherwise, people get the impression that you are writing mass emails to tons of prospects and hope one of them bites. Not a good idea.

Step two: He/she responds. Fantastic! I recommend a few email exchanges before giving out any personal contact information, such as private email address or phone number. Once you feel safe with this person, it is okay to give out more personal info. Most people give out a cell phone as it’s not traceable to a home address.

Step three: The phone call! Keep it brief and upbeat. This is your chance to flirt, ask questions, talk and have fun. Nothing about your sordid past should be revealed. Telling someone about your dysfunctional family or your past date fiascos is inappropriate for this initial call. You don’t want to lose a potential mate because you’ve revealed too much too soon. There will be plenty of time for the reveal after you’ve been dating for a while, if you get that far.

Step four: Here’s a step that many don’t utilize, but it’s one of my favorite forms of communication: video chatting. This is a particularly good tool if the person lives a distance away. Skype is a free service, and Macintosh computers have a feature called ichat. I am sure there are many other ways to connect via video-conferencing. I hate big surprises, and this is a good way to see if there is any chemistry. Still not the same as an in person date, but very effective nonetheless.

Step five: Go on a date! Hooray, you’ve made it through the first four steps and you’re now ready to meet in person. Again, I recommend keeping the first date fairly brief, about two hours. Meet in a public place for safety purposes, and tell a friend or family member where you’ll be. Have fun. Don’t reveal dysfunction or baggage yet. Flirt and enjoy. The purpose of this date, if there seems to be potential, is to get to a second date. More on how to do this in a later post.

So, there you have it, online dating communication 101. Any tips that work for you? Or disaster stories you want to share?