It’s important to have a road map for most things in life. Dating is no exception. Yesterday’s post outlined the first five dating tips for successful dating. Here are the next five dating do’s.

6. Do ask your date if they have your five non-negotiables. Asking clear questions can pre-qualify a date in the first few minutes of a first conversation. Don’t waste anyone’s time by making assumptions and not checking if your date is a potential mate. Non-negotiables include things such as a desire to have children, willingness to convert, love of travel, and/or anything that really matters to you. Never assume and don’t put off asking important questions.

7. Do increase your fulfillment as a single person. Don’t put life on hold while you wait for Mr. or Ms Right to show up. The perfect partner should add value to your life, not BE your life. Be your best soul mate first. Love will follow.

8. Do be ready for a committed relationship. If you have any legal, financial or emotional unfinished business, you should not be dating for a long term relationship. It’s okay to date for fun, but be clear about that with your date. If you are still thinking about a recently ended relationship, whether it is a divorce or a death, you are not yet emotionally ready for a new commitment. I recommend waiting a year after the end of a long-term relationship before seriously dating. If you have legal or financial issues, clean them up before getting involved in a committed relationship. I recently dated someone who told me that after his wife died, he wore his wedding band on the first few dates with a new woman. Yikes!

9. Do engage in a fulfilling career. Work is a large part of your day. It is important to have a fulfilling career/work in order to be emotionally available for a committed relationship. Ask your date, “What do you love about your job?” I enjoy hearing that a guy loves making a difference in someone’s life through the work that he does. That shows me a lot about his integrity.

10. Do develop good communication skills. It takes courage to communicate well. To be a successful partner, you need to know how to express your needs and wants well. Many people I coach are afraid of rocking the boat and losing their mate, so they refrain from communicating what’s really important to them. They have more at stake when they don’t communicate. Especially if the fear revolves around communicating about your non-negotiables (see number 6). This can lead to a total breakdown in the relationship. Learn to communicate more effectively, both verbally and non-verbally. Learn to read facial cues and body language. Be aware of the non-verbal cues you are giving off. They speak volumes.

So, there you have it, the top ten do’s for more success in dating. Let me know how they work for you. And send me your dating questions for a new column, “Ask the dating coach“. Happy dating!

Why do some people have success in finding a mate, while others are consistently frustrated with their dating experiences? The answer lies in the common mistakes daters make. Today, I will outline the first five of the top ten things you need to do for success in dating.

Top Ten Dating Do’s

(numbers one through five)

1. Do know why you are dating. You need to know why you are dating. Is it for friendship, social connection, sex, or finding a long term partner? You and your potential mate need to be on the same page. And the only way to know is to ask. I have heard countless stories of people finding out two years into a relationship that they and their partner were on totally different pages as far as level of commitment, willingness to have children, ability to relocate. Ask first, don’t regret later.

2. Do go in with eyes wide open. Most people don’t have a clear idea as to what they want out of a relationship. They spend more time clarifying their needs when it comes to a car purchase. Create a plan. Love doesn’t just magically happen. Knowing what you want out of a relationship will guide you to find what you want.

3. Do know yourself. The more you understand yourself, the more you can engage in a healthy relationship with a mate. Do you know your strengths and weaknesses? Do you have a defined plan for your own personal growth?

4. Do be truthful about where you are in life. Do you have a bachelor’s degree but only want a man with a master’s degree or higher? Are you unemployed, but are seeking a woman with a successful career? A couch potato seeking a mate who runs marathons? No one will rescue you. You want an educated mate? Become more educated. You want an active partner? Take up a sport.

5. Do know your non-negotiables. Clouded judgement can lead to compromising on your non-negotiables, which can lead to resentment and unhappiness in a relationship. Know your top five must-haves. Write them down. Then go out and look for someone who has all five. You may end up changing one or two as you see them in practice. But it is so important to know what your bottom line is.

Stay tuned for the next five dating do’s, featured on tomorrow’s blog.

Online dating is like running a good ad campaign. You have only seconds to attract attention, to ‘wow’ someone. And many people blow it by a) posting an unflattering or misleading photo and b) writing a profile that is boring, unappealing, or off-putting. How do you ‘wow’? Here are five great tips for creating an outline for an online profile that will attract the right person to you.

1) Describe the qualities you are looking for in a mate and why that person should think you’re the bomb too.

2) List four things you love and why. The more personal, the better.

Examples:
Don’t say: I like animals. Do say: “I nursed an injured rabbit when I was ten”.
Don’t say: I like art. Do say: “I take watercolor painting classes”.
Don’t say: I love to exercise. Do say: “I just registered for my first triathlon”.

3) Answer these five questions. Your answers can be be funny, quirky and/or serious, just remember to make them personal.

a) What one thing would you take with you on a deserted island and why?
b) What’s the one thing most people DON’T know about you but wish more DID know?
c) If you had one year off to do anything you wanted what would it be?
d) What do people come to you for help with and why?
e) What life changing event has happened to you?

4) My favorite days of the year are ______________.

5) What’s the most outrageous thing you have ever done?

Send me your answers if you like, and I will pick one lucky person for a free online profile. I will post the winner on my blog.

The power is out all over the tri-state area. Yesterday’s storm took down tress and power lines all over my neighborhood. This morning, my friend walked over for a cup of coffee cooked on my gas stove, and announced that 70,000 residents had reported power outages. It is estimated that it will take several days to restore power. As we walked around my neighborhood, the damage was devastating. Trees and branches had fallen on cars, roofs, and blocked streets. I consider myself lucky. My only damage so far was a downed segment of my wooden fence. My fear is that without working sump pumps, my basement could flood. But overall, I am filled with gratitude for the blessing of an intact home.

“Barnes & Noble is open in the mall, Mom,” said my daughter. “Let’s go. We can charge our cell phones and use our computers at the free WiFi stations.” Brilliant! So, here I sit, at a coveted table, charging my phone and computer. I have been approached by many people in search of an available outlet. If I was the scheming type, I could probably make good money selling access to my outlets!

When things are taken away, I am much more grateful for what I do have. So today, I am thankful for the reminder to be grateful for a warm and safe home, and the ability to run a business from home, complete with internet, phone, printer and fax machine. I am appreciative of Google, enabling me to do research from home. I thank my washer, dryer, and dishwasher for making life so much easier. I have a newfound appreciation for my curly hair, and the fact that I am no longer dependent on blow dryers or hair straighteners.

And now, alas, I must give up my Barnes & Noble table and return to my dark, unheated home. But I am fully charged in more ways than one. I am able to make cell phone calls from my fully charged battery, and I have renewed energy and appreciation to take on the day.

Did you have a recent crisis that reminded you to be grateful for what you had?

I have very little patience for repetition. At first glance, this week’s Torah portion, V’yakhel-Pekudei, is a repeat of the portion we read two weeks ago, outlining all the minute (and at first glance boring) details about the construction of the portable holy temple and its furnishings. Two portions ago, G-d told Moses these laws, and now Moses is retelling the details to the Israelites. Why the repetition? And is it really repeated or is there something new in the second telling?

This morning, I learned in my Rabbi’s Torah class that the retelling was not merely a repeat performance. In the second telling, the Israelites are called to action. Each person was supposed to contribute to the building, no matter their means or ability. The most important thing they brought to the table was attitude. Most of the people had very little skill in constructing anything in the temple. They had just come out of Egypt, had passively received Manna and depended on G-d for everything. Now they are called to take action, no matter their ability.

Two things came to my mind. One, I couldn’t help but see the metaphor in raising a family. Like the Israelites leaving Egypt who followed Moses across the split sea and depended on Moses and G-d for sustenance, babies are totally dependent on their parents to nurture them and fulfill their every need. As children grow, effective parents teach them to be more and more self-reliant, until they are finally ready to be on their own. At this juncture in time, I see the Israelites as adults, ready to leave home, G-d nudging them to go out on their own.

The second thought I had relates to my life coaching practice. Clients often express a desire to start a new business, but they don’t feel they have enough skill, knowledge, funds, just fill in the blank with anything they feel is scarce in their lives. I’ve been there, too. I have felt that if I just get a little more experience, I can write that book. With a little more research, I’ll be ready to run that workshop. And then I just do it. I look deeply into my own knowledge, I rely on my intuition, and I start from where I am.

I believe that is one of the most important things about G-d’s commandment to the Israelites to build the temple. Come with your heart, your desire to contribute. You don’t need to be an expert to build. Your motivation is enough. How many talented people do you know who never fulfill their dream of utilizing those skills due to a lack of belief in themselves, or a lack of initiative. And conversely, how many highly motivated people do you know who became successful due to their stick-to-itiveness, and not necessarily because they were the most talented or brilliant in the bunch?

So why do we read about the construction of the temple twice? I will answer with another two questions: Why do we not believe in our innate abilities? Why do we think someone else can do it better? No matter how many times someone tells you that you are capable, you may doubt your won ability. It’s worth repeating because it’s one of the most crucial things you need to believe. That you are able. You have a unique voice. You have the ability to contribute to this world in your special way.

What is your unique contribution?

How do you know if he’s the ‘one’? Have you been on so many bad dates, that the thought of getting dressed for another one feels like work? Many singles are disgusted with the dating scene. It feels so unnatural to date someone you met online, and yet, there are hundreds of thousands of singles registered on online dating sites. Not to mention the sleazy married people masquerading as singles. What’s a girl or guy to do in order to increase their dating success?

The unfortunate thing is that if you don’t date, you’ll probably never find the ‘one’. He will not be beating down your door any time soon. You will probably not be meeting her in a grocery store or at the library. But meeting the right person is only half the battle. The more important piece in solving the dating dilemma is making yourself the ‘one’, the one you love hanging out with, the one who is doing what makes her/himself happy and fulfilled. Because if you don’t love yourself, you are not so lovable.

One of my favorite Sesame Street memories is the “One of these things doesn’t belong here” segment, where you have to guess which object doesn’t fit. This is a great way to look at dating. If you don’t date a lot, you won’t know what doesn’t fit. And if you don’t know yourself, you won’t know what DOES fit. You may even miss the ‘one’ when he or she shows up.

So be sure to be actively involved in activities that make you happy. Don’t put off the big dream, whether it’s writing a book, taking a class in something you’ve always wanted to know more about or be better at. Travel. Read. You will become interesting. You will set yourself apart from others. And you will have a much easier time recognizing the ‘one’ when they show up at the library or the grocery store in front of you in the ‘ten items or less’ aisle. Or more realistically, when you see their profile online.

The more you love yourself, the more irresistible you will be!

I am in the pre-launch stages of my new coaching business; percolating new ideas, writing curriculum for workshops, and talking, talking, talking to everyone about my exciting new niche: Dating After Divorce Coaching. I am targeting women over forty, who are having some difficulty in dating after divorce. And I am very excited!

This morning I met with a good friend, Nan, over a cup of Starbucks coffee to strategize about my new business. She is filled with common sense and intelligence, and every time our paths cross, we have lively intense conversations on deep topics. Today was no different.

After catching up on the triumphs and challenges of our children, we focused on my new business. She knows several people who can help: a divorced woman, a makeup specialist and a wardrobe consultant for future workshops on image.She also introduced me to an administrator at a local school who happened to be in Starbucks, and I followed up with an email promoting my other business, teaching art classes. An added bonus that I didn’t expect at all.

You never know what may come of a connection. I am always delighted at what happens when I make the effort to get out of my small circle and increase my network of business contacts. The possibilities are limitless. One connection leads to another, and another.

Five tips for growing your business

1) Network: Make the effort to get out of your small circle of people you know. Go to networking events. Go often.

2) Follow up: You made those connections, now contact those people and ask how you can be of help in the future.

3) Be a connector: It feels great to be a good resource for others. Offer the services of other businesspeople you know.

4) Be grateful: Find ways to thank others for their help. From a phone call to an email to something more elaborate, thanking people is so important. Hold a thank you evening of cocktails and snacks. Take a referral source out for lunch.

5) Keep building relationships: My coach, Jane Pollak, invited me to a concert to raise money to support Haiti. I was so touched by her generosity, and am honored and delighted to be going with her. She is building relationship with me, and I in turn, have continued to refer her as a wonderful coach. Never underestimate the importance of kindness.

Building your business can be a scary, daunting endeavor, and the above tips can make it less so. I am grateful for Nan for supporting me this morning, and I feel surrounded by a network of loving support coming from so many that I have reached out to.

Can you think of another tip that has worked for your business?

Last night, after rushing from picking up my daughter at the train station to feeding my kids dinner, I traveled a half-hour during rush hour traffic to get to a networking event at EWN. I was a bit frazzled as I entered the lecture on networking etiquette, but I was not nervous at all. I walked in with confidence. Over the past year, I have gone from being anxious and a little nauseous to feeling at ease and comfortable with networking events. I owe that ease to the many skills I have learned along the way, the most important being, Just Do It. Feel the fear, but do it anyway. The more I do, the easier it gets.

Kelly Solway, CEO of One Etiquette Place, spoke about the skills necessary to bring confidence and poise to any networking situation. She engaged us in a lively discussion about body language, for example the effect of uncrossing your arms in order to invite people to get to know you. She gave helpful hints about what to do when someone corners you. And she emphasized the importance of a good first impression.

These same skills are useful in the dating world.

As I embark on my new career as a dating coach for people dating after divorce, here are a few tips to make a good first impression.

1) Smile

2) Put your best face forward. Dress to flatter your body. Feel your best.

3) Stay open. Uncross your arms and legs.

4) Make eye contact.

5) Stay curious. Ask questions. Use more “You”s than “I”s in conversation.

Remember, you only get one chance to make a first impression. Give it all you got.

I remember my first time. I was driving in a neighborhood about a half hour from my home, and there they were at the end of someone’s driveway, exposed and begging for a second chance: twin oak headboards and footboards, in mint condition and perfect for my kids’ bedroom! With a quickening of my heart and the thrill of a sneaky adolescent, I pulled my car to the curb, opened the back of my forest green station wagon, and shoved in my newfound treasures.

My heart was pumping and the adrenaline was flowing. How exhilarating to imagine the myriad of possibilities that lie ahead for these headboards, the excitement of turning trash into treasure.

When I got home, I unloaded my stash and began sanding and priming. While a blank canvas might intimidate many, these newly primed white headboards filled my creative mind with a plethora of ideas. I finally settled on an aquatic motif, and painted the background a deep blue with a black and white checkerboard border. My kids helped me design the whimsical fish that I painted in bright colors and patterns to match the fish theme in their bedroom. I had so much fun collaborating with my kids and creating furniture from someone’s garbage. My friends soon noticed the whimsical furniture and commissioned me to paint furniture for their kids. Thus began a new career in furniture painting, “Wonderfully Whimsical”, borne out of necessity, lack of funds, and ingenuity. I loved having a new outlet for my art expression, and most importantly, I discovered an important truth about myself. I learned that it brings me tremendous joy to take things that are considered lifeless and bring them back to life. I believe it is one of the things that I was put on this earth for…to know when to discard something and when to explore the possibilities of bringing new perspective and breathing new life into the very same thing.

As a life coach, I work with clients in very much the same way. I help them to access their inner core, to release and unveil the beauty that lies within them. I help them to breathe new life into old dreams, and to make some of those dreams become a reality. Dr. Dale Turner speaks to my passion about people and their dreams in the following quote:

“Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.”

There is no time like the present to begin the process of renewing your dreams and living your fullest and most joyous life. If you are curious as to how life coaching can ignite the possibilities within you, please contact me for a free consultation.

Back in Biblical times, when the Jewish people left Egypt, they witnessed one amazing miracle after another. From the nature-defying splitting of the Red Sea to the awe-inspiring capacity to draw water from a rock, miracles were abound. And yet, the Jewish people were constantly complaining. No sooner had they crossed the sea to dry land, saved from the Egyptians, they were whining to Moses about the water situation. Manna fell from the sky every day so they were never hungry, yet they complained about the lack of meat. How could the Jewish nation be so ungrateful?

At a class I attended yesterday following Sabbath services, I learned a new perspective on miracles, then and now. Imagine someone from those Biblical times today, viewing our world as we live it. From their perspective, we have no right to complain about lacking for anything. Unlike the Jewish people post-Egypt, most of us don’t live in the dessert. We are lucky enough to turn on a tap to get water or go to the store to buy what we need. We can plant seeds and grow fruits and vegetables. We don’t need to rely on big miracles. We are self-reliant. We are at choice.

Imagine for a moment living in biblical Egypt. If the Manna didn’t fall for a day or two, you could die. If the rock didn’t produce water, where would the water come from? We are luckier than we think. We are living in a time of great opportunity. If we open our eyes, we can see the possibilities that lie before us. We can use our skills to achieve a great deal. We can reach almost limitless potential. It is there for the asking.

I encourage you to take a moment to appreciate the miracles in your life right now. What miracles are you overlooking?