a bipolar daughter and the family who loves her

He has a JOB and we begin a new life!

2012-02-08T11:44:00.000-05:00

My husband has been offered a job in Colorado Springs working for a youth ministry there. We are SO excited, and Caroline is just thrilled to be able to start over again in a new town, with such natural beauty all around. We hope to move by the end of the school year, but we need to sell our house,and a few other things need to fall into place. The salary is about $50,000 less than what he made a few years back, when he had a job, but after all we have been through, I don't care. And the cost of living is a bit better out there, and we already have a house someone has offered to rent to us for a very reasonable amount. The kids will go to public school, except for Caroline if we think she still needs to be homeschooled. I may need to get a part time job to make it all work, but that's ok. We are just so glad we know now where we are going and what we are doing. If you do pray, please pray that our house will sell for a decent amount in this struggling economy as we do need the proceeds very badly.

Thank you God, for your faithfulness to us through this whole long journey. We see His hand in all of this, in the timing and in the waiting.

"Yes, She Really Does Need To Take This Many Meds"

2012-02-06T21:18:00.000-05:00

I really hate it when I have to take Caroline to a doctor who isn't a psychiatrist and they look at her list of meds and immediately begin to question me, or interrogate might be a better word, as to why she is on so many meds and at such high doses, who put her on these, who diagnosed her as bipolar, and etc. I find my self instantly going on the defense, tensing up, putting on my, "I am every bit as intelligent as you are and much more well versed in the latest research in psychiatric conditions and meds and I can go toe to toe with you on any one of these meds" mode.

I had to take Caroline to the ER last night because she had a horrible migraine and couldn't stop throwing up. The doctor came into the room with many questions about her med mix and I calmly, but firmly, explained that they were all indeed necessary, and she is very much bipolar. He kind of backed off when he realized I wasn't some uneducated bimbo mom who just wanted to drug up her unruly kid. I am SO glad for the Balanced Mind Foundation and for the book The Bipolar Child that revolutionized thinking about bipolar disorder in children and for the research that has shown that, unfortunately, a cocktail of meds is usually what brings stability to these kids, not just one or two psych meds. We ALL wish this weren't the case. I don't enjoy filling up Caroline's weekly pill dispenser with dozens of pills. She doesn't enjoy swallowing them and I truly wish she didn't have to take any of them. I sincerely wish she could take less of them, much less. We have tried. It has never worked. She becomes unstable and she suffers and we all suffer. So pardon my French, but just shut up about what you really don't know, doc. If you aren't a psychiatrist, just zip it. And if you are an uneducated, arrogant psychiatrist (they are plenty out there who still don't believe kids can be bipolar), just shut up. After almost eight years of doing this, I do believe I am the best judge of what works for my kid, thank you.

Might Give Her a Blog of Her Own

2012-01-31T09:41:00.000-05:00

Caroline is a very gifted writer, and loves to connect with other kids who have similar struggles, so I may set up a blog for her to share her thoughts and feelings. She has some great perspective on life and on bipolar disorder. Be looking for a link soon.

Homeschooling/Sleep Issues Solved

2012-01-29T23:11:00.000-05:00

Homeschooling is going really well right now, to which I attribute a couple of things:

1. She is quite psychiatrically stable.
2. She loves the history/literature focus on ancient history and
3. The brain training at Learning RX is making it easier for her to memorize grammar rules, Spanish vocabulary, and Algebraic concepts.

The Learning RX cognitive therapy is probably the biggest game changer. She has developed so much more confidence and speed in her thinking skills. She doesn't love Algebra yet, but I think as she continues with the brain training, she will begin to at least get pretty good at it. I nearly failed Algebra I the first time I took it, but then I re-took it in summer school and got straight As because something clicked the second time and I never looked back and went on to take Calculus in high school and college. I tell her this to encourage her that not everyone gets it the first time around.

Caroline was joyous in her summation of the book Flames of Rome last night. She finished it late last night and declared it was her favorite book ever. But now she has many more wonderful novels ahead of her courtesy of Sonlight Curriculum so I am sure I will hear her state that again about some other classic tome.

We have slowly upped her Lamictal dose with the permission of her psychiatrist as we have introduced the estrogen/progesterone combination pill she is taking for acne. So now she is taking 550 mg of the ODT which would be a lot, but for the fact the estrogen reduces the Lamictal concentrations in her blood quite a bit.

Also, we have dropped the Rozerem from her night meds after doing some research and asking around and talking with the psych doc. That med wasn't doing anything to keep her asleep. We have changed her Trileptal dosing as well so that she takes less in the morning and more at night, making her sleepier when she needs to be. She has not slept through the night for a very long time until we made these recent changes, including moving her Macrobid (prophylactic antibiotic for UTIs) to the morning, and her birth control pill too, because apparently both of those can interfere with sleep. And we introduced the all natural TravaCor for neurotransmitter support (calming effects) which can be obtained from Professional Nutrients. This combined with some Melatonin Ultra (containing Valerian root and Taurine and Chamomile) has finally kept her asleep all night, and she is a MUCH happier girl in the morning. Yay! It is amazing what this poor child has to take to both fall asleep and stay asleep, but as I understand from my other friends with bp kids, this is typical across the board.

Back to homeschooling, I have mentioned to her the idea of allowing me to homeschool her next year as well to be sure she is fully caught up in all subjects. She actually was OK with it. I never thought I would want to do this, but something in me has changed. I think I finally threw myself into the task of homeschooling her with my hand to the plow, not looking back, and it is paying off. I really had to clear my schedule of all distractions, and this is helping me to be home more and get more stuff done that really needs to get done, like laundry and organizing. I don't get to see my friends very much, between homeschooling and Learning RX three times a week, and driving everyone here and there, but for now, this is OK. This kid really needs me and one day she will be in college and my work will be done and then I can do all the things I want to do then. And not many moms get to invest in their young teens like I do, so I am thankful for the time I have with her, and with Jane. Jane and Mae will likely go to school together next year for 7th and 9th grades so I can fully focus on Caroline.

My husband still works diligently pursuing job leads. If you pray, please do pray for this journey to end.

I am committed to getting myself to the gym frequently to keep those endorphins coming: self-care! And I have a stack of wonderful books next to my bed that I try to read during my "me" time every night. I doubt I will ever get through them all but great prose is like water on parched ground to my soul.

Just Checking In

2012-01-17T20:20:00.000-05:00

My mother in law passed away last week and the funeral was Monday. She was a wonderful lady who had such a gift of hospitality. My husband will miss her dearly as will we. Alzheimer's took her memory, but not her cheerful personality.

Caroline has an uphill climb ahead of her academically until June and thus so do I since I am her teacher. I wish I could just have the hours from 8 to 3 to give her my undivided attention. Life kind of gets in the way of that with two other kids to manage as well. Jane kind of homeschools herself with a little help from me, but Caroline needs a lot more direction, and Mae also needs constant reminders to stay on task. Distractions are the worst, a phone call, a doctor's appointment. I try not to answer the phone during the school day and I am trying to make all doctor appointments after three in the afternoon, but so often with the specialists, they tell you when they can see you. But I want to make this work, I really do. I ordered some more curriculum supplies and I am ready for this second semester. I hope she is too!

No job yet. I am trying not to panic, but at night, in the middle of the night, sometimes I jerk awake. Anxiety makes a poor bedfellow. I find myself repeating certain verses to myself over and over again, like a mantra of sorts, focusing my attention on God and away from the situation.

I have the most amazing husband. I want the world to know how amazing he is. I want to see him relaxed again, laughing, smiling. Soon.

Disaster Prone

2012-01-08T11:31:00.000-05:00

I really hate the feeling that our family is disaster prone. I mean, we don't go looking for trials or attention by any means. But it seems like if it isn't one thing, it is another for us. Everyone has problems to deal with, whether it is within their family or at work, or whatever. But I would love to get to a place where we had some smooth sailing: a steady job (and income), a stable school situation for Caroline, and a stable bipolar child. It would seem that we never get all three at once. Caroline has been stable for over two years with no hospitalizations, but during this time we have been essentially jobless for over 12 months, and she has not been able to stay at one school longer than a year, but for one during the 7th grade that turned out to be a very poorly run school resulting in a very bad experience for all. Sigh. I have so much to be thankful for, I really do, but sometimes I just want easier problems with which to deal. Like what color to paint the downstairs bathroom, or which mutual fund to choose, or what vacation we will taken this year. But the reality is, trial builds character. I guess we have a lot of character, if not a lot of money in our retirement funds right now, or kids that don't need a whole lot of help. My faith has been stretched to the breaking point at times. But like a three cord strand that isn't easily broken, God holds us together, our marriage, our sanity, our testimony to His goodness.

Synergy: Hormone Replacement Therapy Before Menopause

2012-01-05T10:30:00.000-05:00

Yes, there is such a thing. If you feel like something just isn't right, even if you are in your 30s and 40s, and your regular doctors aren't finding out why you have no energy, your hair is falling out, or your PMS is so bad, don't hesitate to find docs that specialize in hormone replacment therapy and holistic medicine. I had my thyroid checked numerous times over the last ten years and the docs kept telling me I was in the "normal" range even though I had bad hair loss, depression, was always cold when everyone else felt fine, couldn't lose weight no matter how much I exercise and had terrible PMS. Finally I went to a place called Synergy, but I know that many of these places are popping up, usually staffed by gyns. They did a ton of blood work and found that although I was in the "normal" range for my thryoid, taking into consideration all my symptoms and the fact that I was at the very bottom of the "normal" range, the doc decided to put me on a low dose of thyroid medication. And my progesterone was low, so I restarted combination pills to balance me out and solve the PMS issues. She also found that my DHEA was very low, which indicated adrenal burn out, which isn't surprising seeing how much cortisol my body must have been putting out with all of the stress I have been under raising a bipolar child and my husband's long unemployment. So I am taking a DHEA supplement now, and she increased my krill oil supplement too since my HDL cholesterol was a little low.

I am SO GLAD I took the plunge and finally got real answers and real help. I go back in six weeks for more blood tests to see how my numbers change. Hope this info helps someone out there! I just want to feel better and know that I am on the right track now.

Synergy

New Year, Fresh Start, Change

2012-01-02T08:56:00.001-05:00

I am really hoping for so many things to change in the New Year. Of course, the biggest wish being that my husband lands a job soon. He has a job interview tomorrow, but the job involves a lot of travel. I am not sure if that is a deal breaker or not. Having him gone a lot would be very hard on me, dealing with a bipolar teen and two others by myself. And driving them all to their sports and dance activities, and school stuff. But part of me just wants him to take the first offer, regardless of salary, benefits, travel. When you have been dealing with unemployment this long, you really start to throw out "non-negotiables." Could we live off of half of what he made? I don't know. Could we financially afford a health insurance plan that required us to pay much, much more each month for Caroline's medications? I don't know. I would have to go to work in some capacity if that happens. Lots of people do this all the time, but with Caroline's many doctor appointments and her uncanny ability to suddenly not be able to stay in a school this is not something that would be easy in the least.

And we are leaning against putting her back into the school she started at this fall. Honestly, we think she needs to finish the year out homeschooling. I just ordered the rest of a World History curriculum from Sonlight. We want her to have the full benefit of the Learning RX brain training program for the rest of the year without having to deal with homework on top of that. Are we crazy? Maybe. Nothing is easy with these kids, and as we have absolutely ruled out public high school for now (we would lose her to the wrong crowd in a heartbeat,) we have to find ways of educating her that work for her and for us.

Oh, and now we have introduced the Pill to clear up her skin, which is the worst it has ever been. We took her back to the gyn, the dermatologist and psychiatrist to discuss this option as the estrogen based pills will reduce her Lamictal levels in her blood. But now they have come out with a super low dose bc pill called Lo Loestrin, only 10 mg of estrogen. So the hope is it will clear up her acne but not affect her Lamictal levels too much. As a precaution we have slowly increased the Lamictal by a small amount. The Lamictal is basically her anti-depressant as she has never been able to take any anti-depressant without mania as a side effect. So far all is good. Her skin hasn't shown big improvement yet, but it will take a few months before we truly know if this is working.

I hope your New Year brings peace for you and your bp child.

God Bless You.
Megan

New Therapist in the New Year

2011-12-20T15:27:00.000-05:00

Caroline thinks that she has found the new therapist. We met her today for the first time and she loved her. I thought she would just by the look of her: young, sporty, kind of funky. She will start seeing her in early January, and during same time slot in which she used to see her other therapist, so it is perfect! Yay!

Still no job. My husband has aged so much in the past year. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make a job appear tomorrow. Unemployment is no fun.

Hope your preparations for the holidays are going well. I think I have done everything except shop for Christmas Eve and day dinners. I am so tired that I am seriously thinking about doing Chinese food. Ok, just kidding, my kids would kill me. But they do love the movie "A Christmas Story." So maybe....

Medical Mystery Child

2011-12-14T19:35:00.000-05:00

This is what I am beginning to call Caroline, half jokingly, half seriously. Today she had a kidney scan as a follow up to her initial nephrology consultation a few months back after way too many UTIs month after month. Well, today they found a lot of fluid in her abdomen that shouldn't be there, so they are doing another scan tomorrow to get more information, a clearer picture as to what is causing these ascites. My fear is always concerning liver or kidney failure because of all the meds she is on and the lithium in particular. We have always had to walk this fine line between keeping her stable, and keeping her healthy. I have often feared that we are unknowingly choosing quality of life over quantity of life for Caroline. Not that we are giving her drugs expecting her liver or kidneys to fail, but knowing the possibility is there invites guilt. She is the most stable she has ever been since about the age of 3 on this med mix, but if her organs begin to react negatively, we will obviously have to reduce or eliminate certain medications and that means instability and who knows what. This poor kid can't seem to get a break! We pray that the fluid is completely benign in nature.

If I Could Erase a Day...

2011-12-13T06:32:00.002-05:00

It would have been yesterday. Ever have one of those days when your kids fight all day, you find out some really bad news about one of your kids, your husband looks completely lost, and you fix a dinner you hate? Yep, yesterday would qualify.

My husband and I met with Caroline's present therapist, which went well, and we agreed to bring Caroline back the next week to either say good bye or to agree to keep going. We know she will say she is done. But I have some great recommendations on new psychologists from the owner of Learning RX, which is helping Caroline tremendously with her processing speed and memory issues.

Caroline is giving us her phone. As much as we want her to be able to have a phone, she just can't handle it right now. She has been associating with the wrong people. Time to move. Really. I know a family who moved from a neighborhood because their daughter got mixed up with a boy and it was pretty bad and they needed to get her away from him. So they moved to a new neighborhood and their daughter was able to cut ties and turned out to be a wonderful kid who is now in college and doing great. I think we need to find a new environment for Caroline, away from the folks that are bringing her down. Maybe a new job will be the impetus for real change here.

Today is a new day, and hopefully a better one.

Might Be Looking for a New Therapist

2011-12-06T09:31:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's counseling session revealed how much Caroline is feeling resentment towards her present therapist whom she sees every week. Apparently the issue is that the therapist doesn't believe a certain event that Caroline insists really happened two years ago, something rather traumatic. So we are meeting with her therapist, whom we really like, to discuss this whole blow up and figure out where to go from here. Finding the right therapist for a bipolar teen is so essential and I dread having to find a new one if Caroline simply won't feel comfortable with her.

Juvenile Bipolar Research Foundation Conducting Family Study

2011-12-06T09:28:00.002-05:00

JBRF is looking for families with a history of bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or schizoaffective disorder, i.e. not only your child, but maybe you, your parent, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc. If you are interested just click on the above link.

So We Start Again: Homeschooling

2011-12-05T15:56:00.000-05:00

To make a long story short, we have embarked on homeschooling Caroline again until we feel she can handle the private school thing again. With the Learning RX brain training in full force, we hope that she can return in the third quarter. She is quite anxious to return (as are we) and isn't at all happy about not being in a school, but this is best right now. I made up her daily school schedule using mostly the books from the private school, supplemented with Rosetta Stone French, my own Bible curriculum, an online typing course, and Homer. Yes, Homer. She loves all things Greek and Roman, so I thought I would throw that in. I am starting slow this week, and then really increasing the load over the next few weeks. She will likely need to double up lessons in Algebra and French so she doesn't fall behind. I hate their Algebra textbook with all of that superfluous info so I will likely go back to Saxon or Teaching Textbooks.

I feel good about the plan, but it is the implementation of it that makes me nervous. She promises she will work hard for me, and maybe with the carrot of re-entering this school in front of her, she will make good on them.

No job yet. Caroline is really stressed out about this, as she revealed in her counseling appointment today. I am sure all of the kids think about it all the time even if they don't talk about it. I keep praying that God will bring an end to this very long journey. His timing often isn't our timing. At all. "Come thou long expected Jesus" is what this brings to mind.

I'm Back

2011-12-01T14:35:00.000-05:00

I am back because I just can't keep silent. I need this outlet . Especially now, with still no job for my husband, making this a total of 13 out of 16 months without a paycheck :(, and Christmas approaching, and medical bills to pay and deductibles and copays to meet until January 1st, and paying for our own health insurance now ($$$$$), and on top of this having to pull Caroline out of yet another school, this time because concussions have impacted her memory to the point that she needs intensive cognitve brain training. She is being homeschooled through this private school as they will keep her transcripts and grades for me. She can re-enter this school next quarter or the next if we think she can keep up.

I am weary and depressed. Pray for us if you pray. We need it. This has been a long painful journey and we need light at the end of this tunnel. Thank you. Megan

One More Thought

2011-11-27T09:45:00.001-05:00

Skip the Christmas cards this year. We only send one out every few years because it is just too much sometimes.

Learning RX: Brain Training for Learning Disabilities

2011-11-27T09:42:00.000-05:00

We have just started this new therapy for Caroline because we were desperate for help following two concussions and trying to deal with her poor working memory, long term memory, and processing speed that were resulting in failing grades at school. This is amazing. Please check out what they do at www.learningrx.com. It isn't cheap, but when you are desperate, you will do whatever it takes to help your child succeed in school instead of them dropping out, right? A kid who doesn't graduate from high school is a kid with a dim future. Most psych ed testing done through psychologists will tell you what is wrong with your kid but not specifics on how to help them. This program offers real help to retrain their brain and work on their weak areas to bring them up to speed. This isn't tutoring like Sylvan but therapy. Most insurance won't cover it at this point but we are now looking into getting Social Security benefits for Caroline which would cover this cost.

Just a Thought About the Holidays and Your BP Kid

2011-11-27T09:31:00.000-05:00

The holidays are upon us and this means STRESS for a family with a child with a mood disorder. Decide now that you don't need to do it all. Do you really have to do the home advent ceremony every Sunday night, the Adornaments, the Illumination Parade, the parties, the drive thru light displays, throwing your own party, going to every holiday event there is, and still be able to enjoy Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever you celebrate? Just some tips:

We learned to never try to decorate the tree all together, but to let our bp kid have her own private decorating time to alleviate the stress and potential fights between siblings over whose ornament is whose, who gets to put up this and that. Just not worth it.

Cookie baking? Let the bp kid do it just with you some afternoon, again, by themselves in quiet.

Long drives to see relatives: Take two cars, trust me! The cost of gas is still worth it. One for you and the other kids, and one for dad and the bp child who again doesn't do well with noise and squabbling. Ipods and headphone for everyone or books on CDs, or movies on the laptop. Whatever makes those drives peaceful.

If you have a big family and need to stay in a hotel, get two rooms. The cost is still worth it. Get a suite if you can. Those rooms can feel claustrophic is you try to stick too many people in one room. We know. Choose peace over frugality right now and find the great deals on hotels.com.

If you have to fly, make sure your bp child gets to sit right behind the bulkhead where there is more room for their legs, no one in front of them to bother, and less claustrophobia. We learned this the hard way too.

Does your church do unnecessarily long Christmas Eve services lots of standing up and sitting down, repeated 20 times? Skip the service or find one that is much more kid friendly without a lot of formality. Don't feel guilty about it either. God knows your heart and knows your kid and knows their needs.

Christmas shopping? Leave the bp kid behind or take them really early in the morning or late in the evening (not in black Friday) to Target or WalMart on a day no one will be there (Mondays are great) and let them pick out presents for family members in the least crowded setting you can find. Or let them do it online. For that matter, shop online and save yourself the headache.

If your child is unstable and you don't think they will do well around your extended family, just stay home and keep it all simple. Everyone will enjoy the holidays so much more without meltdowns and you being so stressed out over what they might do. Focus on finding stability for your child which often means lots of doctor visits, not on traditions right now which you can resume when they are stable.

Make time for yourself: get your nails done, get a massage if you can afford to, schedule coffee with a girlfriend, a date with your husband (I know that one can be really hard to do), buy a new journal, go to Starbucks and write. Pick up a new book and read it cover to cover before you go to bed each night. Find a favorite Bible verse and post it on your fridge and absorb it every time you see it. Go Christmas shopping all by yourself when the malls aren't crowded and walk slowly. Go to the gym and work out for the first time in months. I just did that and it felt soooo good. Go to one of those paint your own pottery places and paint ornaments by yourself. That is fun and relaxing.

Get out and enjoy nature during this time. Bp kids often seems to relate better to the outdoors than to people. Go skiing, sledding, ice skating, or snowboarding, or hit an indoor water park, or skip Christmas presents and use the money to head to the mountains for snow, or to the beach for respite, or find hiking trails or bike trails and use them.

Finally, if you think your child needs to be hospitalized, don't hesitate because you think they will be scarred for life if they are in a hospital on Christmas Eve. There will be many more Christmases and New Years, and Hanukkahs. Do the right thing even if it breaks your heart. You will heal and so will they.

We have been doing this for almost nine years now. We have learned a lot the hard way. I wish someone had given me this advice a long time ago.

We wish you a peaceful Christmas and Hanukkah and New Years, as much as it can be.

God bless you, and may He grant you joy this season, not in having a perfect kid, but in His amazing grace, and in the small things and quiet moments for you!

My Last Post

2011-09-19T16:18:00.000-04:00

This is probably going to be my last post, at least in this venue. I have decided that the time has come when I need to either write a book or just find a different place to express my own joys and sorrows in raising a bipolar child. You have been so great, all of you my blogger friends. I have some growing personal needs which include some pulling back right now from public exposure. Thank you for being here. I will miss you all!! Love, Megan

Nothing is Perfect, or Even Easy, EVER

2011-09-19T12:24:00.000-04:00

Or just even Easier. Whether we homeschool Caroline or put her in school, any kind of school, no situation is ever easy, or simple, or even easier than the last set-up. I guess I just need to accept this and deal with the stress of being her mom. I just want it to be easier, at least easier. But it never is. Everything comes with huge challenges with her, whether it is the school work, the relationships, whatever. I am bawling right now. I just get so tired of the same old thing every year. I just want to wave a magic wand and make her life great, with a brain that isn't slowed down by her meds, that gets the work the first time, every time, with moods that always fall in the normal range, with interests that fall in the normal teenager range.

I took her to the mall yesterday to meet a new friend from school there and her mom. It was a mediocre outing to say the least. She was so rude to me, and disobeyed me when it came to what she wore, which I only had so much control over because she changed clothes after we got there, when I wasn't with her because we had let them go off on their own. I am sure the other mom was a bit taken aback by what she was wearing when we picked them up and by her horrible attitude toward me coming and going. I was embarrassed and discouraged. She wants to have new friends but I am not impressed with her strategy.

Today she called us from school a few hours after she got there because she felt sick and wanted to get picked up. Great. Was it due to the fact she remembered at 8 o'clock last night about an essay project she hadn't even started after she had reassured us all day that she had finished EVERYTHING in Friday that was due on Monday? Was she getting fearful of being embarrassed in class because of the zero tolerance for late homework? I don't know. Bill went to pick her up. I am tired of her b.s. She keeps asking us to trust her but she hasn't proven to be trustworthy on any level in my opinion. We saw an inappopriate text that wasn't yet sent on her phone. I am ready to trade in her phone for one without a keypad. Her phone can't have a plan without texting, go figure. Stupid phone companies.

She has to do volunteerism in the community for a grade for this school. I don't know where she should do this as any of our church related volunteer opportunities are a no-go since they seem to all involve inner-city outreach. She is way too attracted to ghetto music, behavior, and activities for us to let her connect more with those kids, which is too bad because there are such needs in this community for people to tutor and connect. Unfortunately we have seen what happens when she interacts with inner city kids after she went to school with them, and it isn't good. She forgets who she is and instantly wants to be like them and would have all of their phone numbers in a heartbeat and would get involved in some inapporiate relationship in a flash. I know this sounds like we are borderline racists or somthing, but that isn't it at all. We just have a kid who needs a lot of sheltering for her own protection, not more exposure. She will be exposed enough later, and seeks out "exposure" anyway at every chance she gets.

Speaking of church, we are still unsure of what to do about the whole situation of her refusing to go to our church because of how "boring" it is and how unwelcome she feels there by the other kids her age. We tried a different church and Caroline loved it but we found we just can't leave our pastor and his unbeatable grace-filled sermons which are like water on our parched souls. We may have to just take her to another church for an early service and then go to our church for the later service. Our other two kids are too plugged in and happy to pull them away from our church. Sigh, once again, so complicated! I know if she weren't bipolar, she would be fine at our church like our three other kids.

God gave us what he gave us. Not because we are strong enough to handle all of this, but because He wanted to do something in all of us, to develop merciful hearts, and patience and compassion and perseverance.

Weary

2011-09-14T19:06:00.000-04:00

This new schedule is killing me. I am not sure I like the different schedules and pick up times every day for school. I don't know if I would do this again next year (or even next semester). It is early in the year, I know, but the amount of driving I am doing between home and school and school and appointments and home and sports and ballet is unbelievable!! I spend my life in the car and it is stressing me out more than ever. I have no time to do laundry, clean, organize, etc. so my house is looking worse and worse. And the girls don't really have time to help that much because of homework and sports and tutoring sessions and babysitting and church stuff too. If we stay here and like this school enough, we just need to move next door to it and find a closer ballet studio or something. Or find a different small, affordable school they can all go to for the same amount of time every day! And I am trying to faithfully work out at the gym three or four days a week. Just too much for one Mom! I had a big boo-hoo session today telling my husband how much I don't like my life right now. Poor guy. No job and he has to hear his wife complain about the whole world today. I can't even imagine myself working even part time right now because I have a full time job just managing the house and kids! I don't know how moms with more than one kid manage a full-time job and everything else. I couldn't do it. At all.

Caroline seems kind of down, and I think the Seroquel increase might be to blame. She seemed sunnier before the increase, so we may need to go back down again to 600 mg.

One Week Down, Many to Go

2011-09-10T17:20:00.000-04:00

I was so exhausted by the end of this first week of school. Were you? I am getting used to this crazy new routine of multiple, differing pick up times. We are spending A LOT of money on gas driving back and forth from our town to another for school and doctor appointments, sports practice and such. I wish the cost of gas would really come down. Talk about a budget blower!

Caroline seems very happy at her new school. I am wanting to get to know the teachers better as I haven't even really laid eyes on several of them. There are P/T conferences coming up at the beginning of October I think. In the meantime, I probably need to draw up the letter I always write for her new teachers every year explaining about her bipolar disorder, the meds and their side effects, her triggers for meltdown, etc.

I did run into an old acquaintance on the first day of school whose teenage son is there and I know that he has had some really serious behavioral issues in the past, and that I suspected long ago that he was bipolar or something like that, but his parents didn't believe in medicating him, etc. He and Caroline did not get along at all when they were much younger in a homeschool co-op together, like fire and gasoline, so I am wary of them interacting now knowing he just spent two years at some sort of boarding school. Two bipolar kids thrown together in a non-therapeutic situation is not usually a good idea. I haven't told Caroline about this boy yet, and he is a grade ahead of her, but the school is so small that 9th and 10th graders are pretty much together. So I will keep on eye on their interactions. I think I will turn down this nice mom's offer to carpool (they live close to us) because I honestly don't want to encourage their friendship. Caroline needs positive influences, not more exposure to kids attracted to the wrong kind of stuff, as his mom admitted. Sigh, it's always something, isn't it?

University Model Schools

2011-09-08T07:55:00.000-04:00

Just in case you are interested, check out the website for National Association of University Model Schools at www.NAUMS.net. They have a lot of great info about their philosophy of learning and also locations and future locations. This is the type of school Caroline and one of her sisters are attending this year.

Today Was Better

2011-09-07T19:32:00.001-04:00

That's all. Good night!

It Was the Worst of Days, It Was the Best of Days: School, Day 1, Long

2011-09-06T20:27:00.000-04:00

I don't know how to summarize the events of the day, except to say that it started with me driving Caroline and Mae to their new school, getting out of the car, and then remembering that I hadn't retrieved Caroline's cell phone from her before she got out. I asked her to give it to me, and she refused. I told her we talked about this earlier (late last spring) and she said we had not. So a power struggle ensued with me demanding the phone, making threats and Caroline walking toward to school acting like she was not going to budge. The reason why we are not allowing her to have a cell phone in school, even though "all the other kids do," is because we had a very bad experience in the past with an unfortunate texting incident which resulted in her being asked to withdraw from a homeschool co-op. No way in hell was I going to let this happen again, pardon my French. So I decided I had to win this fight this morning, even though I very stupidly forgot to remind her about our policy about the cell phone last night. She caved when I said I would smash that phone into a million pieces if she didn't give it over NOW. Yes, I really said that. I got the phone, but not without loss. I couldn't believe that this is how her first day of school was going. I was livid, shaking, upset and so was she. But with all we have been through, I couldn't risk it again.

My husband, whom I called immediately after the drop off, tried to help me see her point of view, maybe we could flex a little, but I said "over my dead body." I respect my husband, he has lots of wisdom, but Sorry, I am not giving one inch on this issue!!!!

Then we get a phone call from her in the school office about an hour before the end of her day there that she wanted to be switched out of her Computer Applications class NOW because it was too easy and she can't type as fast as the other kids. What??!!?? I was really going to lose it then, so I handed the phone to my husband, who is thankfully, not yet employed. He told her we would talk about it after school not during the class. I felt my stress level rising to "code yellow." I mean, really? She couldn't wait until after school?? I was beginning to feel like this was turning into A VERY BAD DAY.

Then my husband leaves a few hours later to pick her up at the time appointed on her schedule, and she calls right after he leaves to say that she was supposed to be picked up 20 minutes ago, the class ended then and she was the only one there in the office. What?!?!? The schedule the school gave us clearly said 2:45 not 2:20. And the school is 20 minutes away on the highway. Arggh!!

But, amazingly and only by the grace of God, aside from those major and minor problems, she said she likes the school, her teachers and the kids she met. Oh, whew. I guess. I am EXHAUSTED emotionally tonight. I could use a manicure, pedicure, massage and new clothes after a day like this.

Oh and I broke the sugar bowl today, and found out at 5:30 pm that 13 year old Jane had soccer practice at 6:30 tonight 20 minutes down the road and we hadn't bought her soccer shoes yet!!! The team just found her name on their list today, apparently, even though they had been practicing since last week. What!? I registered her over a month ago! That was the fastest trip ever by a soccer mom to a sports store to buy soccer shoes and then to a soccer field all in the course of an hour.

The good news: my husband got word today he is even closer to getting a job we all want him to have; a photographer to whom we owed a lot of money for beautiful family portraits done three years ago when my husband had a job called out of the blue and said he has decided to forgive our debt because of our lengthy unemployment status and he is SENDING us these amazing portraits for only what we have already paid (tears); and the government sent us a check today for some back pay, a small check but thanks anyway!! :) So God is still good, life goes on, Caroline will go back to school tomorrow, and it will be a fresh new day. Thanks for listening to me rant. You keep me going.

PS. Please pray for my dear friend Lynn, who is very, very sick with cancer and multiple infections. We don't want to lose her and neither does her husband John. Thank you.