A Blog about Everything...From the King of Nothing!

Playing the Lamar Odom Blame Game: Who's Responsible?

2015-10-16T17:10:00.001-07:00

Nostalgia. It's the single greatest reason why people follow sports. Even though you probably didn't feel as fondly about them at the time, pondering back into time and recalling the great qualities of past players is one of the best feelings in sports. Lamar Odom is the perfect example of this. When he was actually playing, he was the single most frustrating player of all-time. Not because he was bad, but because how good he COULD HAVE been. But when you look back at his career, almost everyone remembers his game in a positive way. How good was Lamar Odom? There's only one answer: Not as good as he COULD HAVE been.

I always said if God granted me the wish to be a professional basketball player, out of anyone in the history of the league, I would ask him to give me Lamar Odom's body and physical ability. That includes Lebron James, Michael Jordan, and Magic Johnson. Lamar Odom is the only player in NBA history that can play all 5 positions effectively at both ends of the floor for large chunks of the season. I wish I could write more about LO's physical abilities and compare him to Lebron and Magic but that would be an entirely different article. Let me just say this. The one part of Lamar I would definitely ask to leave out is the mental aspect. Give me Jordan's brain and Lamar's body and I will give you the single greatest basketball player that has ever lived or probably will ever live. Hell, forget Jordan's brain. Give me my own brain right now in Lamar's body and I will get you multiple championships. That's how great Lamar Odom's physical abilities were. So what happened?

Like many black athletes, Lamar Odom had a rough childhood. We all know the story. Rough neighborhood of Jamaica in Queens, NY. Absentee drug addict father. The thing that makes Lamar's childhood even sadder is that his mother passed away when he was 12 and he was raised by his grandmother, who also passed away when he was fairly young at 20 years old. I can't even imagine how a person is supposed to mature into a fully functioning normal adult, let alone a multi-million dollar athlete when they are dealing with these challenges. As if this wasn't enough, in 2006, Lamar's 6-month old son, Jayden passed away of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) while sleeping in his crib. And this happened while Lamar was at a funeral for his aunt!

Are you kidding me? How much misery can a single person take? I am a fairly normal person who had a good childhood, solid parents, supportive family, and a strong support system with relatively little exposure to drugs and alcohol in my early life. I have an infant daughter and if this had happened to me, even with all of those things in my life, I am pretty certain you would find me using SOME FORM of drugs to cope with the loss. For someone like Lamar and the sadness he has experienced in his life, who grew up in an environment ripe with drug addiction, no functional parenting, and now has an unlimited amount of resources to secure drugs, to be perfectly honest, its a fucking miracle he made it as far as he did in life without ending up dead from drug use.

This was another major event in Lamar Odom's life. In September of 2009, Lamar Odom married reality star Khloe Kardashian. But do I blame the Kardashian publicity whore machine for Lamar Odom's troubles? Absolutely not. Here's why. First of all, Lamar Odom won his second championship with the Lakers DURING his marriage with Khloe Kardashian. He was the NBA's Sixth man award in 2011 DURING his marriage with Khloe Kardashian. So this notion that somehow Khloe Kardashian and her reality show cameras were responsible for Lamar Odom's basketball game deteriorating is a false one. The fact of the matter is, Lamar Odom knew exactly what he was getting into with Khloe. He knew what she was about and he was ok with it. He chose that life. And to be honest, he liked it. His NBA peak came at the same time as his reality show peak. In the end I was actually surprised the marriage lasted as long as it did. More than half the marriages in America end in divorce. So in that sense, Lamar and Khloe were no different from anyone else. I am not going to speculate on what happened between a man and his wife. All I know is Khloe Kardashian wasn't responsible for Lamar Odom's basketball decline. The real cause behind that was something that happened in his professional career.

Lamar Odom has always been an emotional player. There's nothing wrong with that. But the problem is that he never learned to channel that emotion in a positive way on the court. There are plenty of examples of emotional players channeling their negative feelings to become better players. Michael Jordan. Kevin Garnett. Kobe Bryant. But Lamar Odom simply wasn't wired that way. If he wasn't in a positive frame of mind, he wasn't able to perform to the best of his ability.

After losing in the playoffs in two consecutive seasons, the Lakers knew they had to make a change. With Lebron James joining Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh in 2012, and the emergence of Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook in Oklahoma City, the Lakers knew they needed multiple superstars to compete for a championship. Andrew Bynum was injury riddled, Pau Gasol was aging, and Kobe Bryant was on the wrong side of his prime. Chris Paul, one of the greatest point guards of all-time was suddenly available and the Lakers had to pull the trigger. Unfortunately, that meant they had to give up Lamar Odom to New Orleans. Can you blame the Lakers for trying to trade him? Absolutely not. At the end of the day, this is a professional business. As a professional, you have to be able to take emotions out of it. Lamar had a great run in LA and the Lakers compensated him very well for his services. But Lamar Odom took it personally. After David Stern blocked the trade for "basketball reasons" (Don't get me started...) Lamar Odom was never the same player and the Lakers knew it. He had multiple meetings with team management and they ended up trading him to Dallas for a trade exception that ultimately helped them land Steve Nash and Dwight Howard. So at the time, it seemed like a great move for the Lakers. And I don't blame them one bit for making it. Had Lamar been a professional and not gotten butt hurt because the Lakers tried to trade him, perhaps he would still be a Laker.

Whatever the complex reasons behind Lamar Odom's troubles are, in the end I will remember him for being one of the most unique players to ever play in the NBA. For not being what he COULD HAVE been. For having all that talent and not making a single All-star game. For sacrificing for the good of the team and agreeing to come off the bench. For being one of the biggest pieces on two Laker championship teams. For being a left-handed beast in every facet of the game. For having one of the saddest lives a person can experience. For experiencing the loss of an infant child that I would not wish on my worst enemy. For falling into a drug addiction that almost any person on Earth could have fallen into. The good news is that it looks like he will recover from this latest incident. Perhaps he can write a happy ending to that long sad story. But in the end, he has to be the one to write it. All anyone else can do is cheer for him and not play the blame game. Because the only way to win that game, is not to play it at all.

The Only Certainty in Life

2015-08-02T01:45:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about death a lot lately. Probably because two of my peers who I knew not personally but peripherally, passed away within a relatively recent time period. They were similar in age and around the same stage in their life as I am now. Young married adults with families who depend on them. Ever since then, I have asked myself the following question:

Death is the only certainty in life. It is the only event that we all know for a fact that has a 100% chance of occurring in the life of every single person ever to be born. Yet why are so many people unprepared for it?

Let's get one thing clear. By "unprepared" I mean in a practical sense. There is no way in hell yourself or your loved ones can be emotionally prepared for you to die a sudden unexpected death in your 30's. But you can definitely be prepared beforehand practically in case anything ever happened.

Another clarity. By asking this question about being prepared I am in no way saying the people who passed away recently were not practically prepared. To be perfectly honest, I have no idea. I did not know them well enough to know about their situation. Hearing the news of their passing simply sparked thoughts into my mind to lead me to ask this question about people in general.

So what do I mean by being "practically prepared"? I don't like to give advice on my blog. Especially about topics that I have no expertise or experience in. But as someone who likes to think extensively and often times obsessively to the point of causing insomnia about random topics, I feel like I have some insightful thoughts to share about those topics. Sometimes that topic is the Lakers, and sometimes it's Taco Bell. This time that topic just happens to be 'death.'

This first thing you can do to be prepared for something is to actually think about it. It's pretty simple. If you want to be prepared for an earthquake, first you have to entertain the possibility in your mind that an earthquake can and might happen. Only then can you take practical steps to prepare for it. For so many people death is such as taboo they don't even like to think about it. Obviously you don't have to obsess over it for hours on end to make yourself depressed, or bring it up during your child's birthday party. But there is a time and place for it. For most people, either their ego or fear keeps them from thinking about the possibility of their own death. Either they believe it won't happen to them or they are scared it will somehow actually happen if they give some thought to it. That ego and fear must be overcome. I think everyone who is married should discuss the possibility of their deaths with their spouse. That includes making a will and letting your family know about it. If you have life insurance make sure your beneficiaries know what to do if something happens. Talk about it. Break the taboo. Communication. That's the most important factor in being prepared.

The next thing everyone should consider is life insurance. If you lost your job right now and never got another one, can you live comfortably for the rest of your life and maintain the same quality of life you are living now? If yes, congratulations. You are filthy rich. You don't need life insurance. But every single person I know, and chances are every single person you know, would answer 'no' to this question. I don't care how much money you and/or your spouse makes. Even if your spouse earns a six-figure salary, do you really want them to be working that job AND be a single parent? Things like cost of living, mortgages, college funds, taxes, investments, and bills are hard enough to manage with two people. Why would you want your spouse to have to manage them on their own while at the same time trying to earn money and raise a kid? Unless your last name is Gates, Buffet, or Trump, pretty much everyone who is married with kids should have some form of life insurance or another.

I don't want to go too much into it but some people think life insurance is a scam. And many policies out there are so bad they pretty much are scam-like. But there are different kinds of insurance. Term life insurance is the purest form of insurance. It's called term because it's temporary. It's only effective for usually 20 or 25 years. If you are still alive after that time, the policy is cancelled. The theory is that by that time your kids should be old enough to be earning their own income and you should have enough wealth saved up to leave some for your spouse. Because it's temporary, it's a lot cheaper than permanent life insurance. As a matter of fact probably around ten times cheaper. Permanent life insurance policies are a lot more expensive because they last your entire life. Makes sense. There are all kinds of policies out there. They are usually attached to different investment vehicles based on indexes and interest rates and earn cash value based on the markets and other factors. Many of them are bullshit. The costs associated with maintaining those investments often times negates any earnings you may have had, to the point where you could have been better off buying the much cheaper term policy and then investing the difference on your own. But there are some good products out there as well that guarantee you a minimum interest rate and offer you a lot of flexibility. All I can say is you should approach buying life insurance cautiously but with an open mind. But I would advise everyone with kids should have a term life insurance policy at the very least.

This next point may seem a bit obvious. Certain things like hard work, responsibilities, discipline, and sacrifice don't necessarily feel good. But if you died without imbibing at least some of those values in your life, you may be leaving your loved ones in a very tough spot. For example, if you are stuck in a job that you hate but makes good money, it's not always the right thing for you to quit. Your family may need the financial security. Staying in that job may be the sacrifice you need to make. Not everyone has to enjoy doing their jobs. That's what the off-time is for. That brings me to my last point.

I can't stress this next point enough. Don't be a hard ass. Enjoy life. In my opinion, that's the biggest thing you can do to overcome your fear of death. If you lived a life full of enjoyment and jovial memories, then your death will be easier to accept by everyone, including yourself. If you always choose to work overtime on your days off, just once maybe take the day off and go to the beach. Maybe pay your employee some overtime once and take your kid to the museum and show them some art. Maybe go out to eat dinner once in a while on a random Tuesday. Maybe stay up till 4 AM one time when you have family over for the holidays. Maybe let your mother-in-law put your baby to sleep one night so you guys can go watch the new movie that's coming out. Whatever it is that makes you feel good, do it once in a while.

So here's the bottom line. How do you practically prepare for death? Discuss it with your loved ones. Get life insurance. Work hard. But also play hard. And don't have a stick up your ass.

How to answer the question of who is the greatest shooter in NBA history...

2015-06-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

Ever since Stephen Curry won the 2015 NBA MVP award, I have been thinking about this question a lot. Who is the greatest NBA shooter of all-time? Initially I was just trying to figure out if Curry actually deserved the MVP or not. After doing my research I concluded that James Harden was the real MVP. Twenty-one playoff games and an NBA championship later, I feel the same way. You can read about my thoughts on the NBA awards system here. But we digress...

When I was looking into Curry's numbers, I thought to myself, Holy shit! Is Curry the greatest shooter of all-time? His numbers seemed ridiculous. Then someone accused me of being a "fair weather" fan because I stopped writing my blog after the Lakers started sucking. I can assure you that is not the case. 1) My blog is about much more than just the Lakers, or sports for that matter. 2) I wrote several articles about how much the Lakers suck. The real answer to why I stopped writing is that I got too busy with real world responsibilities. But this Curry question has got my wheels turning again and made me motivated to neglect my wife and kid so here it goes.

After doing some serious googling, I broke it down to 16 players who are candidates for the greatest shooter title. Why 16? Because a 4x4 collage was the best fit for my webpage, that's why. Deal with it.

First, I should give some honorable mentions to guys like Del Curry, Mike Miller, and Wesley Person. Also, especially with the way the NBA is played nowadays, there is no doubt youngsters like Klay Thompson and Kyrie Irving will crack this list in the near future. Before I get into the list, here is a very important question.

What factors go into answering who is the greatest shooter of all-time?
Not particularly in any order...

1. Stats - This is important. However, it may be true that numbers never lie, but stats sure as hell do. So they cannot be the only factor when judging a shooter.

2. Degree of difficulty on shots - This is also known as the eye test. A lot of the players on this list mostly shot wide-open uncontested 3's from their favorite spot on the floor. Others created their own shot with their dribbling or height advantage and shot with a hand in their face. There is no way in hell you can't factor that in.

3. The clutch factor - I could probably seriously hang with one of these guys in an empty gym shooting contest IF I caught them on a bad night and I was having a hot streak. But NBA games aren't played in an empty gym. And everything that a player does in a game matters most in big moments towards the end of a close game.

4. The fear factor - A player's reputation matters. Why? Because the defense will react to that reputation and change the way they play. Kobe Bryant may not be great statistically when it comes to game winning shots. But the Black Mamba has a fearsome reputation so I guarantee the defense will be shitting their pants if he has the ball at the end of a close game. There is a difference between this and the clutch factor.

5. 3-pointers matter more but mid-range and free throws also count. - Shooter typically means 3-point shooter but you have to account for other kinds of shooting at least a little bit. A pure shooter should be great at the mid-range game as well as free throws. Otherwise, it just makes him sort of a gimmicky player. Bruce Bowen would be on this great shooter list if it wasn't for the fact that he was a career 57% free throw shooter. He wasn't a pure shooter. He was just great at shooting wide open 3's from the corner. That's what I call a gimmick.

Using these factors, who is the best shooter of all-time?

16. Pete Maravich

"Pistol" Pete was a player who was truly ahead of his time. He was your grandfather's Stephen Curry. Although he mostly played in an era before the 3 point line, he is on this list for 2 reasons: Factors 2 and 4. He was one of the best players ever at getting off his own shot. Probably one of the first players ever to dribble between his legs in an NBA game. And he has one of the most feared reputations amongst people of his generation.

15. Drazen Petrovic

Unfortunately, Drazen died in a tragic car accident in 1993. I never saw him play but he belongs on this list for the same reasons as Pete Maravich. He was a great shooter who could get off his own shot. From watching tapes he was porbably one of the best shooters with a hand in his face. As far his reputation is concerned, anyone who saw him ball will tell you Drazen Petrovic didn't take shit from anyone. Not even Michael Jordan. He never backed down from a fight. The 6 years he did play in the NBA, he ended up shooting better than 50% from the field and 43% from the 3. Had he lived, Drazen Petrovic probably would have been one of my favorite players. And he very well might have ended up number 1 on this list. RIP.

14. Dale Ellis

In the beginning of his career Dale Ellis was more of a well rounded scorer than just a shooter. Later on, as a role player, he became a deadly 3 point specialist. At first glance you would imagine a 17 year career of shooting almost 48% from the field, 40% from 3 and being an all-star caliber player at one point would land you higher on this list. But for some reason, Dale Ellis wasn't a great free throw shooter. He wasn't awful like Bruce Bowen, but he is the only player on this list to have a career free throw percentage in the 70s, at 78%.

13. Mark Price

A historically underrated player, Mark Price was Steve Nash before Steve Nash. Along with Nash and Steph Curry, Price is the only other player to have a career free throw percentage better than 90%. Nash has him beat by 0.001. A four time all-star, and career shooting percentages of 47/40/90, Mark Price probably would have ended up higher on this list had he played longer than 12 seasons.

12. Jeff Hornacek

Famous for rubbing his face as part of his free throw routine, Jeff Hornacek's name was synonymous with the word accuracy. Any time there was a dorky looking guy who could shoot on the playgrounds, he would be compared to Jeff Hornacek. No doubt playing with the likes of Stockton and Malone helped him get tons of open shots, but Hornacek was a consistent 40%'er from 3 long before he arrived in Utah. The only reason why Jeff Hornacek is not higher on this list is because he didn't quite shoot enough. With only a little more than 2000 3-point attempts, most of the other players on this list have around twice as many.

11. Glen Rice

If asthetics were a factor, Glen Rice might be number 1 or 2 on this list. He had one of the sweetest looking jump shots ever. Much like Dale Ellis, for the first half of his career, Glen Rice was more of a scorer than a shooter. Think Paul Pierce or Carmelo Anthony. As he aged, he gained a little bit of weight and became less athletic, but was nevertheless a deadly 3 point shooter. A career 40% 3 point shooter despite being his team's number one scoring option (and a target for defenses) for most of his career earns him a spot on this list.

10. Peja Stojakovic

The most overlooked quality about Peja Stojakovic was his strength and size as a shooter. Because he was only a shooter, he never used this in any other part of his game. Towards the end of a long grueling game, most shooters begin to fall short on their shots as they rack up the minutes and get tired. But at 6'9/220 Peja had the strength to keep shooting accurately. If you asked me who could hit the most 3's out of a 1000 straight shots, my answer would Peja. Simply because some of the other guys might not be strong enough to shoot well towards the end.

9. Kevin Durant

If this was a list about the best scorers, Kevin Durant would be much higher. Durant is such a good offensive player in every facet of the game, that his abilities as a pure shooter are often overlooked. He probably has the longest range out of anyone on this list. As a 3-point shooter, he is very streaky, resulting in a career 38%. That's pretty good, but most of the other guys on this list are at 40-plus. He is only half way through his career however, and as the legend of Kevin Durant grows, there is no doubt he will end up much higher than 9.

8. Dirk Nowizki

Like Durant, Dirk is also has a career 3-point percentage of 38%. But also like Durant, Dirk is much more than just a shooter. Unlike most players, who depend more on long-range shooting as they age, Dirk has gone away from the 3-point shot as he has gotten older. He has learned to play closer to the basket. He has also maxed out factors 2-5 mentioned above. Dirk rarely gets an open shot, and more often than not he is shooting with his back to the basket, off one leg, over the hands of multiple defenders. The degree of difficulty on Dirk's shots is unmatched in the league. He is also as clutch and fearsome as they come.

7. Steve Kerr

This seven-time NBA champion may turn out to be the next Phil Jackson or Greg Popovich. As a player, there was no one more accurate in the history of the league at shooting 3-pointers than Steve Kerr. His career 3-point percentage of 45% is unmatched and has to be respected. Why is he not higher on this list? For one, he didn't shoot enough. (1599 3-point attempts) Probably because he was a very limited role player and didn't play a lot of minutes. Kerr also played with multiple hall-of-famers his entire career who did nothing but get him great wide-open looks from the arc. You still have to give him credit for hitting those shots though, especially in the clutch.

6. Kyle Korver

Besides Reggie Miller and Ray Allen, there is no one better on this list at hitting jump shots coming off screens. Kyle Korver holds the record for 3-point percentage in a single season at 53% in 2009-2010. That's insane. Do you realize what that means? Kyle Korver can hit 3's more accurately than a lot of players can hit lay-ups. Over the last 4 seasons, he has been shooting 41%, 43%, 45% and 47% from the 3 with increasing attempts. With a career of 43% from 3 and 88% from the free throw line, Kyle Korver may end up a lot closer to 1 by the time he retires.

5. Larry Bird

A two time member of the 50/40/90 club, Larry Bird has the clutch and fear factors oozing out of his pores. There was no bigger trash talker and mentally tough player than Larry legend. He was so confident in his abilities as a shooter, he would tell the defender where he was going and how he was going to shoot it. Then he would swish the shot and do it all over again. The 3-point line was relatively new when he played, and it wasn't as big a part of the game as it is today. Had he played in today's league he would have had much better numbers in that department. But if you go by the eye test alone, Larry Bird might be 1 or 2.

4. Steve Nash

When you think Steve Nash you think of passing first. For that reason, when you combine his abilities to shoot from the 2, 3, and free throw line, Steve Nash might be the most underrated shooter of all-time. The man is the greatest free throw shooter in the history of the NBA at 90.4%. For 14 of his 18 total seasons in the league, he shot at least 40% from the 3-point line. 5 out of his last 6 seasons, he shot better than 90% from the free throw line. And perhaps most incredibly, he shot better than 50% overall field goals for 5 seasons. As a point guard! That's almost unheard of. He is also a four-time member of the 50/40/90 club. No other player has done that more than twice. He probably didn't deserve his 2 MVP's, but definitely deserves more credit as a shooter.

3. Ray Allen

For much of his career, Ray Allen was a scorer. After he was traded to Boston and became the third option on the Big 3, he made himself into a Reggie Miller type pure shooter. He became incredible at coming off screens and hitting crazy 3's fading away from the basket. Just ask the Spurs. When it comes to practice, there is no shooter who works harder than Ray Allen. A two-time champion, he hit clutch shot after clutch shot for his teams. As a Laker fan, I can tell you he scared the shit out of me in the two Finals we played against Boston. His accuracy stats have always varied greatly depending on his team situation, but right now Jesus Shuttlesworth is the all-time leader in 3-pointers made and it's not even close.

2. Reggie Miller

How much of the fear factor did Reggie Miller have in him? Well, enough for ESPN to make an entire 30 for 30 documentary about it. When Reggie Miller had his legendary playoff battles against the Knicks, he made the entire city of New York clench their assholes with fear every time he took a shot. He famously scored 8 points in 8 seconds to win a playoff game against the Knicks. He was so much of a Knick Killer that the word "Knicks" comes up 22 times in his Wikipedia entry. Besides Michael Jordan, Reggie Miller might be the single biggest reason the Knicks don't have a title since 1973. There was no one better at moving without the ball, coming off screens, kicking his legs up in the air while shooting to draw a foul, and pissing you off. Just ask Kobe Bryant.

1. Stephen Curry

Stephen Curry excels at every single factor discussed earlier. As far as the stats are concerned, in his 6 seasons so far, Curry is shooting the 3-pointer at 44%. That's only 1% lower than the all-time leader, his coach Steve Kerr. But the degree of difficulty is at least 10 times higher on most of Curry's shots. Because he is the primary ball handler, distributor, AND scorer on his team, he doesn't always get wide-open looks. Besides Kevin Durant and Dirk Nowitzki, there is no one better at creating his own jump shot. But unlike those guys, Curry is a 6-foot guard, which makes it even more impressive. There has never been anyone better at pulling up and shooting off the dribble. His quick handles help create just a tiny space, and his quick release, perhaps the quickest ever, helps him get a shot off in that tiny space. He is also great at catching and shooting off screens. We saw in these playoffs he is developing into a clutch and feared player. His accuracy is something we have never seen before when you take into account the amount and difficulty of long range shots he takes. He is also a career 90% free throw shooter so far. What more can you ask for in a shooter? Now that he has his championship, a couple more crazy clutch shots like he had against New Orleans in the 2015 playoffs, and there will be no doubt Stephen Curry will be a unanimous choice in everyone's mind, for the best shooter of all-time.

3 HUGE lessons to learn from the Donald Sterling saga

2014-06-04T20:47:00.000-07:00

The last time I wrote an article on this joint, I defended Dwight Howard and blamed Laker fans for unfairly criticizing him. Then the traitorous bastard left us for Houston and I stopped writing for a while. So first of all, even though I was 100% right about what I said about that asshole, I apologize to all my fellow Laker fans for not joining on the hate early. (Although that very same hate might have been responsible for him leaving in the first place.) So anyways, 12 months, a trip to the motherland, a pregnant wife, and a baby later, I am back! (I thought about writing about the baby as my first article back but hey, you have to keep your priorities in order. So I chose to write about Donald Sterling instead.)

Lesson # 1: All press is good press...Sort of...

Answer this: If the Sterling tape was never leaked, and if Donald Sterling put up the Clippers for sale because he wanted to sell the team, without any controversy, would he have gotten the same price? Before you answer, keep in mind that the Forbes 2014 valuation for the Clippers was at 575 million. The highest any NBA team had ever been sold for was 550 million. (Milwaukee Bucks last month.) My answer is no.

The Donald Sterling controversy was responsible for two very big factors that lead to the Clippers being sold for 2 billion dollars. The first and most important being that it increased the profile of the team. The Clippers became a household name in the non-sports household. The controversy shined a spotlight on the team's extremely likable superstar leader Chris Paul. The controversy shined a spotlight on the team's wise black coach who is beloved by everyone that knows him. The controversy shined a spotlight on the high flying Lob City duo of Blake Griffin and Deondray Jordan. As a direct result of this increased profile, the Clippers franchise became more desirable in the eyes of those who can afford to buy a team. Prime example: Do you really think Oprah even gave two shits about the Clippers before the Donald Sterling controversy? I HIGHLY doubt it. She might not even have known they existed. And all of a sudden we hear that she wants to buy the team? The line of billionaire celebrities that wanted to buy this team went up to the Staples Center 300 section. And most of those people wouldn't have been in that line if this was a regular controversy-free sale of an NBA franchise.

The second factor that came into play because of the leaked tape is a very basic economic principle. When you have a motivated seller, you will get a better price if you are the buyer. But a seller who is being FORCED to sell and is willing to fight to the death for his right NOT to sell? You can only imagine what motivated billionaires that want something will try to pay for something they can't have. And that is exactly what happened. The bidding started and everyone knew they had to go high in order to get Sterling to stop fighting and sell, and Steve Ballmer's bid turned out to be the highest. So ironically Donald Sterling's moronic words were responsible for him getting $2 billion for a team that he was FORCED to sell, which is more than TWICE as much as he would have gotten had he wanted to sell the team on his own. If I had not seen how much of an imbecile he looked on Anderson Cooper, I would have guessed he had planned the whole thing all along...Or maybe even that was just an act...Nah, he's too much of a moron for that.

Lesson #2: The NBA only cares about one thing: The NBA

When everyone was calling for the NBA to do something about Donald Sterling, I was asking myself, why would they do anything? They already know he's a racist. It's been well documented in the past and the NBA has looked the other way. But of course when you are in the middle of the playoffs, and it's been one of the greatest first rounds of all time, in a point in time when the NBA has never been more popular or profitable than now, THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU CAN HAVE PLAYERS BOYCOTTING PLAYOFF GAMES. Besides a swarm of killer bees being unleashed in the arena during game 7 of the Finals, playoff boycotts would basically be the worst case scenario, the 9/11 of any sports league. THAT was the difference between Sterling's discretions in the past and this one. This one affected the league's money/brand/popularity/image. So when NBA commisioner Adam Silver uttered the words "Banned for life" and imposed a maximum fine on Donald Sterling, forgive me if I didn't join in on the Martin Luther King Jr. comparisons. If you disagree, I need you to click on this link for me. Don't worry...it's not porn or some sort of virus.

Lesson #3: Steve Ballmer DID NOT overpay for the Clippers

According to Forbes, the Clippers net operating profit is approximately $15 million per year. With the $2 billion price tag, it would take Steve Ballmer about 133 years to break even if he never sold the team. Obviously these are rough estimates and I am not taking into account future improvements on operating profits, TV deals, and other factors. But even WITH all of that, this is not a very good investment in roughly financial terms by any estimation. Of course that could all change if another billionaire wants to buy this team for even higher. But what I am getting at here is that this is not a business investment. This is a toy. This is like me and you buying an XBOX. Let me put it in a context everyone can understand:

If you loved taking it up the ass, but you weren't gay, and there were only 30 dildos made on Earth, and out of that only one dildo was immediately available for sale, and cucumbers/carrots/eggplants/bananas were all extinct, and you had pretty much an unimaginable amount of money, how much would you pay for that dildo? Exactly. Steve Ballmer's dildo is the Clippers.

Lesson #4: In the end, Donald Sterling got EXACTLY what he deserved

Yes, you read that correctly. First of all, in a cosmic/karmic way, Donald Sterling should have been punished. Yes, he was illegally recorded and he has the freedom to say what he wants. So maybe he shouldn't have been punished for this specific incident, but he has gone unpunished for all the bullshit shenanigans he has pulled off in the past. The housing discrimination, the media manipulation, the unfair treatment of employees, all of the stunts he has pulled off with Clippers players coaches and executives. So I have no problem for punishing him for this when all the shit before has gone unpunished.

With that said, many people are saying that Sterling walking away with $2 billion is not a punishment. But Sterling was worth 2 billion BEFORE the sale of the Clippers. When you are in your 80's what's another 2 billion when you already have 2 billion? Money doesn't mean shit to Donald Sterling at this point. The $2 billion is just a consolation prize for being illegally recorded in his own home. He already has so much money that he doesn't get off on making a huge profit. What the old racist bastard gets off on is being an "owner" of a franchise. He gets off on being an "owner" of black athletes. He gets off on sitting court-side as the "owner" and everyone looking at him and saying, look, that's Donald Sterling, the "owner" of the Clippers. He gets off on being the boss of people and paying them money for working for him. He gets off on heckling and criticizing his own players (Baron Davis) DURING the game. He gets off on negotiating contracts, evaluating and devaluating players, and firing coaches and GMs, and not paying them according to their contracts. He gets off on bringing his friends and mistresses to the game of HIS franchise of which he is the "owner". And now, he cannot do any of that! He can't be the "owner." That is is a HUGE punishment for someone like Donald Sterling. If you can't understand this, it's simple...just go back and use the dildo analogy...

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

The Unfair Criticism of Dwight Howard. What Gives?

2013-06-27T12:54:00.001-07:00

As I do everyday, I woke up this morning and sat on the shitter going over the Facebook newsfeed on my iPhone. There I noticed some people had a couple of not-so-nice things to say about Dwight Howard. Without mentioning any names, here are a couple of them:

Dwight please don't resign with the Lakers. You'll never win a championship.

I rather have 2014 cap space and draft picks anyways. #signandtradeD12

As I read these comments, I panicked. I thought Dwight had signed somewhere else. So I checked ESPN. Fortunately, he hadn't left yet. (Then I remembered he's not a free agent until July 1st.) Immediately, my next thought was to dust off the old jizz-stained laptop keys and write my next blog article. Here is a nice first thought:

EVERY LAKER FAN THAT IS HATING ON DWIGHT IS FUCKING INSANE! YOU NEED TO GET SOME PERSPECTIVE ON THE LAKERS 2012-2013 NBA SEASON. THINK WITH YOUR BRAINS. NOT YOUR EMOTIONS...So here is that perspective...

Let's get something clear. I am not saying Dwight Howard is the best player in the league or better than Kobe or even a #1 franchise player. He has two huge flaws:

1. His head

2. Limited offensively

But is there another NBA superstar without any major flaws not named Lebron James? The answer is no! These flaws are no reason to get rid of Dwight. He is still the best center in the league. Who would you rather have in his place? Blake Griffin is an athlete who happens to play basketball. He is not a basketball player. Roy Hibbert has had a good playoff series. Let's see him turn that into multiple All-NBA seasons before we turn him into Hakeem Olajuwon. Marc Gasol? At some point I would like to write an entire article on why he is overrated. Omer Asik? Andrew Bynum? Tyson Chandler? Not even close. There is a reason why every team with cap space is chomping at the bits waiting to get their hands on Dwight. There is a reason why the Lakers have made Dwight their number 1 priority despite having their worst season ever. These GMs are smarter than you! (and me.) So before you unfairly blame Dwight for this past season, try to gain some perspective on the situation:

1. The back injury was a real thing. I know it sounds like an excuse, but Dwight himself is the one who came back early from the back surgery, so everyone expected him to be 100%. If he had not come back early, people would have realized the back injury was more serious and maybe they would have cut him a little slack. Remember in the beginning of the season, Dwight wasn't even supposed to come back until January. And the dude ended up playing in the freaking preseason! For the sake of the team! This set him up from the very beginning to have a season with lingering injury issues. He wasn't 100% at any point in the entire season.

Injuries weren't only an issue for Dwight. This was the most injury riddled Lakers team EVER! Look at the number of games missed by key Lakers players:

Dwight Howard: 6

Pau Gasol: 33

Meta World Peace: 7

Kobe Bryant: 4

Steve Nash: 33

Jordan Hill: The whole season!

Steve Blake: 37

With even 10% less injuries the Lakers could have had a better record and much better playoff situation. I mean they had freaking Darius Morris and Andrew Goudelock starting in the playoffs!!! That kind of injury situation, combined with all the bullshit that I wrote about in the next paragraph, is a bad situation for any superstar. Forget Dwight Howard, Michael Jordan could not have had a positive outcome playing for the 2012-2013 Lakers.

2. Within a span of about 6 months, the Lakers traded for a different starting center, traded for a different starting point guard, signed two new key role players, installed a new offense, fired their head coach 5 games into the season, ditched the new offense, hired a brand new coach in the middle of the season, installed a brand new offense in the middle of the season. Are you fucking kidding me? This is not Major League Baseball. You cannot put together a bunch of different parts together and hope to win right away. Basketball is much more of a team game. It requires continuity and chemistry between the players and the coaches. The 2008 Boston Celtics does not happen very often. None of those changes can be blamed on Dwight Howard. The Lakers management is to blame here. Firing a bad coach to hire another bad one. Trying to implement a run-and-gun offense with an aging team. Handling the coaching search in the worst way possible. Maybe the Laker fans should all unite against Jimmy Buss instead of Dwight Howard.

3. Dwight Howard cannot guard 4 players by himself. The Lakers' defense was horrible this year. But I don't understand why people are blaming D12 for that. I don't care how good of a defender you are. If you are surrounded by the worst defensive starting 4 in the league, you are not going to look good defensively. Everyone is raving about Roy Hibbert's defense in the playoffs. He played great. But don't be so quick to declare him better than Dwight. Let's compare the defensive help they had:

Hibbert's PG: George Hill (Young, athletic, excellent defender)

Dwight's PG: Steve Nash (Old, slow, maybe the worst defender in the league at his position?)

Hibbert's SG: Lance Stevenson (Young, athletic, energetic, no pressure or expectations)

Dwight's SG: Kobe Bryant (Old, at one point a great defender, now he chooses not to play defense, plays too much help defense forgetting about his own man, gambles way too much to go for steals, way too much pressure on him on the offensive end to also play excellent defense)

Hibbert's SF: Paul George (Young, athletic, maybe the best defender in the league, was even able to contain Lebron)

Dwight's SF: Meta World Peace (Old, slow, fat, good hands but maybe the slowest SF in the league when it comes to foot speed)

Hibbert's PF: David West (Strong in the post on both ends, one of the toughest players in the league)

Dwight's PF: Pau Gasol (Getting older, questions about being soft)

So before we all get out our pitch forks and run the best center in the league out of our city, just take a second to breath, and remember that Dwight still led the league in rebounding, was the starting center on the All-Star team, and made 3rd team All-NBA in a year where it was impossible for him to succeed. That is his worst year. If you ask me, that's pretty damn good for a worst year. His best year will consist of an MVP and a trip to the finals. Will he be the best offensive player or the emotional leader of the team when that happens? Probably not. But he was, is, and will be for the foreseeable future, the best center in the league. So unless you are prepared for life without him, beware watch you ask for Laker fans...

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

The One and Only Certainty for the Lakers: CHANGE

2013-04-18T10:30:00.000-07:00

As I sit at my desk writing my first article after the longest break I have ever taken from this blog, I amreminded of the first time I took some time away from writing. It was back in June 2012. Here is the first article I wrote upon returning. At the time, I strongly felt the urge to drain my man period, or manstruation, if you will, by cursing, ranting and raving. This time, it is different. I don't feel the urge to spend an entire paragraph saying the word "fuck" or call people retards or make racist comments. Don't get me wrong. I still have those feelings. I am still the same angry racist asshole you know and love. But I just don't feel the need to go out of my way to express my inner asshole. (Instead I just vent my frustrations through my outer asshole sitting on the toilet.) Maybe I am getting old. Maybe my testosterone levels are slowly declining. Or maybe I am just getting fatter and lazier. Whatever it is, here is the point:

CHANGE IS INEVITABLE.

Brace yourselves Laker fans (and haters). Changes are coming. BIG TIME! If there is one thing we can all learn from this Kobe Bryant injury, it is this: Kobe Bryant will rehab and work his ass off and be back and he will be a top tier player when he returns. No doubt. He will be ready. But will the Lakers be ready? I am more worried about the rest of the roster hell of a lot more than I am worried about Kobe Bryant with a torn achilles.

Back in 2009, I was talking with a friend of mine from pharmacy school. We were discussing the upcoming NBA playoffs. I casually mentioned to my buddy that I didn't think Dwight Howard was serious enough to win a championship. I thought he goofed around too much. I thought he liked to laugh and smile and make jokes just a little too much. Then a few weeks went by and Dwight Howard single-handedly carried a weak Magic team to the Finals. "I guess I was wrong," I said to myself. In reference to that thought, today I sit here saying "I guess I was wrong," once again. (I am sticking to my original thought of Dwight not being serious enough.) So here is the bottom line: Unless he dramatically changes his on-court personality(not impossible), Dwight Howard will never win a championship being the best player on his team.

I think whether Dwight Howard resigns with the Lakers or not is irrelevant. Here is why: Whether he resigns or not, the Lakers are not going to be good enough next year to win a championship. Due to the contract and cap situations, the Lakers will be limited in what they can do to their roster. And whether he resigns or not, after next year, the Lakers will be contenders. Why?

Because they have only one player signed for the 2014-2015 season. Wait. Let me repeat that. The Los Angeles Lakers have only one player signed on for the 2014-2015 season!!! That player is Steve Nash at around 9 million. That means they have more than 80 MILLION DOLLARS coming off the books in the summer of 2014. Now of course some of that money will be used to resign Dwight, Kobe (at a much lower price) and maybe Pau (also at a much lower price). Regardless, they will have more cap room than they have ever had in the modern free agent era. And being the Los Angeles Lakers, they will attract some big time free agents. Here are some POTENTIAL free agents in the summer of 2014:

Dirk Nowitzki
Tony Parker
John Wall
Dwayne Wade
Lebron James
Chris Bosh
Luol Deng
Paul George
Carmelo Anthony
Zach Randolph
+ A bunch of other really good young role players and upcoming players that can be available.

With all the good team trying to limit their spending in order to avoid the luxury tax bill, and the bad teams not being as good of a destination as LA, I think the Lakers are going to revamp their entire team with a bunch of new free agents in that summer. I am not saying all of these players I listed want to come to the Lakers. The Lakers may not even have a shot at some of these players. But if they can just sign a couple of those young big names, or maybe three, put them along side some sort of combination of Dwight/Pau (will be getting paid much less than now if he sticks around/Kobe (will be getting paid much less than now)/Nash, and recharge their bench with some young athletes, the Lakers will be contenders again...soon.

Lakers being contenders is not so surprising. Almost everyone can predict that will happen, just because they are the Lakers. But whether or not they will be perennial contenders on a verge of starting another dynasty will all depend on the coaching situation. I have been frustrated with the Lakers coaching situation for a while now. Every day I go to a wishing well near my house and through in loose change wishing the Lakers would fire Mike D'antoni. Lately I have been throwing in hundred dollar bills. Short of winning the first round playoff series against Pop (The best coach in the league) and the Spurs, I don't there is anything D'antoni can do to save his job. The problem is, I am not running the Lakers. Jimmy Buss is.

And as far as all the Laker haters are concerned, laugh it up right now. You have this short window until the summer of 2014 to clown on the Lakers all you want. They may be down right now, but the greatest franchise in the history of sports will rise again. Change may be inevitable when it comes to their roster, but one thing that never changes and never will, is that the Lakers will always be good again...

...and that's just the way it is...

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

2012-2013 Los Angeles Lakers State of the Union: 0-3

2012-11-03T10:15:00.000-07:00

Before I begin this article, I would like to just say one thing:

When I go back and read this at the end of the 2012-2013 NBA season, I hope I can say I was wrong. I fucked up. I misjudged the Lakers. I overexagerated their problems. I overreacted to the bad start. I underestimated this entire team. My bad. If I can say that about myself in mid June 2013, I will be a very happy man. Let's begin.

If you analyze this Laker team, you can come to one of two conclusions:

1. The Lakers have many problems.
- Bad defensive strategy
- Bad offensive strategy
- Unexplainable coaching decisions
- Lack of fundamental skills
- Carelessness

2. The Lakers have only problem.
- Mike Brown

Here is the kicker: No matter which conclusion you chose to believe, it all leads back to the coaching staff...and who is the head coach of the Lakers??? MIKE FUCKING BROWN! Let's address all of his problems, one by one.

PROBLEM #1: Defense
Isn't Mike Brown supposed to be a defensive coach? He earned his stripes in Greg Popavich's staff as a defensive specialist. He was supposedly responsible for all the great defense they played when they won those early rings. Something tells me players like David Robinson, Tim Duncan, Mario Ellie, Bruce Bowen, and Avery Johnson had more to do with that great defense than Mike Brown. He left the Spurs and they haven't really skipped a beat on defense. I will admit, during Mike Brown's fist year with the Lakers in 2011-2012, I felt the defense was much better than with Phil's last few years. (At least in the regular season.) But so far, contrary to what everyone believes, the Lakers biggest problem has been defense. Here are the point totals for their first 3 opponents of the season: 99, 116, 105.

You tell me. When you have Dwight Howard (easily the best defensive player in the league), Meta World Peace (former defensive player of the year), Kobe Bryant (9 time All-defensive team), and Pau Gasol (> 7ft wingspan, better than average defensive player), and you give up those kind of point totals, especially when 2 of those 3 teams (Dallas and Portland) aren't expected to make the playoffs, there is something internally wrong with your strategy. The Lakers keep wanting to funnel everything to their 7 footers. That is a good strategy only if your defense breaks down. But to use that as your primary defensive strategy? That's a flaw. Here is why:

1. Risk of Dwight getting in foul trouble when he keeps having to pick up driving guards.

Evidence: Game 1: Dwight fouls out. Game 2: Dwight has 5 fouls. Game 3: Dwight has 3 fouls in the first half and has to spend most of it on the bench meanwhile Clippers take control of the game and never look back.

2. When Player A funnels his man funnel towards Player B, Player B becomes a help defender. In turn, Player C becomes a help defender since he now has to account for Player B's man. In turn, player D becomes a help defender and so forth... When you play a decent offensive team, they will get wide open looks all game long when you keep having to play help defense and run towards offensive players with the ball.

Evidence: Game 1: Brandon Wright goes 5-5 when his man Dwight Howard keeps having to help on Darren Collison, Elton Brand, and Beaubois. Game 2: This time they picked up Dwight's man. But that left the perimeter open. Wesley Mathews goes 4/6 from deep, and Batum had 9 good looks from deep. Luckily he only made 3 of them.

How do you fix this? It's not easy. I admit. Especially when you have a major defensive flaw at point guard. First of all, they have to play straight up. Chances are, the PG will not be able to keep his man in check. But that's fine. They have Dwight on defense as a BACK UP if it breaks down. The guards also have to do a better job of fighting through the screens and recognizing who they are playing. If it's a good shooter, they can't go under the screen and they can't go softly. They have to fight OVER the screen with strength and speed. If it's an average shooter but someone that can drive, they should go UNDER the screen and take away the drive. More often than not, the players make wrong decision. That's a coaching issue!

PROBLEM #2: Offense
When Mike Brown was asked why he doesn't run more pick and roll, he said the pick and roll offense is too simple and predictable. Well, if that is the case, why does every single team in the league run it? Especially in the moments that matter. And if it so simple and predictable, how come the Lakers cannot stop it on the defensive end when the opposition keeps running it against them over and over again? Especially now with all this criticism, Mike Brown will not turn to the pick and roll because that would mean him having to admit he was wrong. If you don't want to run it every single time, at least run it two or three times per quarter. At least run it once in crunch time. How can you not, when you have the perfect players to do so? At some point, you have to admit you were wrong, and do the right thing.

And why does everyone think Eddie Jordan is some kind of offensive genius of all of a sudden? If he was, he wouldn't have been available for an assistant coaching gig. He would have been a head coach somewhere. The guy 257-343 was as a head coach. That's only a 428 winning percentage. That Princeton offense of his doesn't have a great track record.

PROBLEM #3: Bad coaching decisions
Why does Mike Brown insist on sitting Chris Duhon? I understand he is not a great NBA player. Maybe not even a good NBA player. There must be a reason why he was just a throw-in in the Dwight Howard trade. But surely, he must be better than Darius fucking Morris. Duhon is a seasoned vet with starting PG experience. That has to mean something. He has to be good enough to be a 3rd point guard on an NBA rotation.

On the same token, what is the fascination with Devin Ebanks? He's garbage. I don't understand why the Laker organization is so enamored with this guy. Any other team would have cut him a year ago. They keep hoping he will turn into Trevor Ariza circa 2009. I got news for you. Don't hold your breath.

PROBLEM #4: Lack of Fundamental Skills
I don't mean dribbling or shooting or footwork. I am talking about specialized fundamental skills based on the make up of your team. For example, Ray Allen mastered the fundamental skill of running without the ball and getting himself open for 3's based on his team's offense in Boston. Mainly, it involved Rondo's passing abilities. Blake Griffin and D. Jordan have mastered the skill of trailing a play or cutting towards the hoop for alley-oops when Chris Paul is driving or making plays. David West mastered the skill of setting a screen and then popping open for an open jump shot with Chris Paul in New Orleans. In the same way, the Lakers have great post players. So the perimeter players need to master a skill that takes advantage of that. That skill is the art of the post entry pass.

It sounds simple. But it's not. When there is heavy pressure on the passer and/or the post player, it is very tough to make a pass into the post player. That doesn't mean its impossible. Right now, the Laker players (MWP, Blake, Ebanks, Jamison, Morris, etc) just take one look at the post-up guy calling for the ball, and then decide to swing the ball to the weak side. That's why Dwight Howard and Pau Gasol only end up with 7 shots in the entire game. That's why they get frustrated. That's why they pick up fouls. The Laker dynasty in the early 2000's was based entirely on this skill. Robert Horry, Rick Fox, Ron Harper, Brian Shaw, and yes, even Kobe Bryant were masters at getting Shaq the ball no matter how much defensive pressure there was. Ironically, Kobe is the only guy on this team that knows how to make a post entry pass. Mike Brown needs to realize this and run some drills in practice that allow the players to master the skill of making a post entry pass.

PROBLEM #5: Carelessness
Why are the players so careless with the ball? Because they are not scared of the consequences. Why are they not scared of the consequences? Because they don't respect Mike Brown. Would you? Just look at the following picture. No successful coach in the history of the NBA has ever made that face.

Thanks for reading!

Yours truly,

The King of Nothing

PS. Before the season I was 100% sure I was going to switch Time Warner Cable since Directv hasn't picked up the Lakers yet. Now, with each loss, I become one step closer to not caring about watching the Lakers this season. Not because I am a bandwagon fan, (Cuz I am not.) But because I know I will ultimately be disappointed as long as Mike Brown is the head coach of the Lakers.

Religious Algebra 101

2012-10-30T10:32:00.000-07:00

Recently, I had the opportunity to help out a loved one solve some hard ass high school math problems. When I was in high school, and this stuff was fresh in my mind, these problems were tough, but solvable. Now? It was damn near impossible. I felt like an idiot. Now I know what a black kid feels like in remedial math. Anyways, the whole experience gave me an idea for my next article. I was already thinking about writing something about religion...so why not throw in some mathematics in there to take me back to my glory days at Laguna Hills High School? For all of you dumbasses, don't worry, this is not a math article. It is about religion. The points are just in the format of equations. But don't worry, you won't have to solve for X. This article is an extension of something I wrote earlier, entitled, "From God to Vegas...".

Please read this note before you begin reading: Just like with my first article about religion, I am not trying to promote one belief over another. It is neither my intention nor desire to make someone waiver from their faith/beliefs OR convince someone into believing something one way or another. It is not my intention to offend anyone's religion. But it IS my intention to offend their intelligence. (kidding) Through these "equations" I am merely presenting various observations/possibilities/theories that have come across my mind in the hours of sitting on the toilet thinking about this stuff. I am not promoting my beliefs, quiet simply because I myself don't know think I know the truth 100%.

Religious Algebra Law #1: The Spare Wheel Theory

IF Sadness > Happiness THEN God > World/Self
IF Sadness < Happiness THEN God < World/Self

Here is what a theist (someone who believes in God) would/should say to this equation:
"Unfortunately, this is true. Many people use religion and God as a spare wheel. FDR prayed over the radio with the entire country when the Allies invaded Normandy in WW2. When the Challenger went KABOOM on live television, everybody and their mom prayed in front of their TV sets. Same thing on 9/11. At times of misery, we turn to God. Which is good, but what about the times of happiness? Is that all God is good for? To help us when we are down? How about praying when DON'T need something? How about praying just for the sake of praying? How about praying just to please God?"

My two cents: If the very people that promote their belief in God didn't use him like a spare wheel, the whole God/religion concept would seem more legitimate to non-believers.

Here is what an atheist would say to this equation:
"Doesn't surprise me. You know why? Because this is one of the very specific reasons why God and religion were invented in the first place...in order to cope better with tragedy. The psyches of human beings are too fragile to come to grip with the fact that bad shit just happens...randomly. And when it does happen, they are too fragile to handle it. So God and religion are not only a way of coming to terms with why bad stuff happens (God's wish, God's plan, God's test, etc), but also it provides a sense of comfort in tragic times."

My two cents: So what? I am not saying God and religion are false, but even if they were, the sense of mental support and comfort they provide in times of sadness is very real...and probably unlike any other type of support this world has to offer. How would this be any different than taking prescription antideprassants to unnaturally alter your mood and using chemicals to trick your brain into thinking you are happy?

Religious Algebra Law #2: The Insurance Policy (AKA Pascal's Wager)

IF (Belief = Yes God) AND (God = Exists) THEN Afterlife = Positive

IF (Belief = Yes God) AND (God ≠ Exists) THEN Afterlife = Zero

IF (Belief = No God) AND (God ≠ Exists) THEN Afterlife = Zero

IF (Belief = No God) AND (God = Exists) THEN Afterlife = Negative

Therefore: Possible Outcomes:

If you believe in God - Positive or Zero

If you don't believe in God - Negative or Zero

Here is what a theist would say to this equation: "This is absolutely correct. The only outcomes for you if you believe in God are positive and neutral. The worst possible thing that can happen to you is NOTHING! Why take the chance? If you don't believe in God, there is a negative possibility you may be punished. So don't risk it!"

My two cents: There are so many other complications and factors involved. Almost every major religion has a large list of rules and gray area in their philosophy that it is not a simple equation that if you believe in God you will have a good afterlife. And who is to say God will definitely punish those who don't believe in him? And if you are going to be using this logic, then please admit that you believe in God not because of your love/attachment/devotion/desire to please him, but because you want to save your own ass. (I am not saying this because I am an atheist, because I'm not one. When I do religious stuff, I fully admit I do it out of fear of what will happen if I don't. I want to save my own ass. I admit it.)

Here is what an atheist would say to this equation: "God believers like to only use logic when it is convenient for them. Whenever there logical arguments brought up against the existence of God, the believers always say God/religion/spirituality are above human logic. They are on a different plane of understanding. We cannot possibly begin to understand them. So then why use this logic? And even if this insurance policy logic makes sense, it doesn't make you right, and it doesn't prove anything."

My two cents: Different people are motivated by different things. Even though this logic may seem kind of hypocritical, if it used to make people live better lives and be better people, then what is the harm? On the other hand, if it used for wrong reasons like religious wars or personal gain, that is a whole different story...and probably a whole different article."

I think this is enough God talk for one day. I wanted to write more equations and shorter explanations but with this topic, no amount of words are enough to cover an issue. So I will leave you with this.

Many of you may already know about this. It is nothing new or original. But nevertheless, it is extremely interesting. It is the omnipotence paradox. You can read about it all you want on Wikipedia. If you don't want to read about it, here is the gist:

Can God create a stone so heavy that he cannot lift it?

Whatever your answer or comment is, feel free to post it in the comments.

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

Top 25 Restaurant Foods I Have Ever Eaten (Part 2 )

2012-10-16T00:25:00.001-07:00

In case you missed numbers 25 to 11, here is Part 1. Before we get into the top 10, here are some more honorable mentions that I either forgot to write about, or just recently tried.

Honorable Mentions

Counter Burger, Los Angels/Irvine CA

Javier's, Las Vegas

Island Burgers

Patxi's Chicago Style Pizza, San Francisco CA

Number 10: BRAR's Food Culture of India, Toronto Canada

All you can eat buffet that includes all kinds of Indian food, pasta, pizza, ice cream, etc - Easily that best Indian restaurant I have been to in North America. I don't know if it was because I was having fun messing around with my cousins or just enjoying spending precious quality time with my east coast family, but to me, BRARS was the best Indian restaurant meal I have ever had...and I am not just saying that because it was 'all you can eat.' This place had both quantity and quality!

9. In N' Out

Animal-style grilled cheese and fries - Holy shit In N' Out is good! A grilled cheese sounds pretty simple. How much better can be than any other grilled cheese? But somehow, even without the delicious animal-syle sauce, they make the grilled cheese taste special. Add that sauce on there along with the bomb ass animal style fries and In N' Out is something special. It's one of the few things the West Coast has that the East Coast can be jealous of.

8. Veggie Grill, Los Angeles/Irvine CA

Quality imitation-meat menu including burgers, sandwiches, wings, and everything else that is usually made out of meat - In number 13, when talking about Ike's Place, I talked about options for vegetarians. Veggie grill takes this concept all the way. It is dedicated entirely to vegetarians. They got everything from chicken wings to chili to carne asada and carb cake sandwiches. I've never eaten meat so only a true meat-eater would be able to tell you if this compares to the real stuff. But for people like me who will never experience the delicious, savory, juicy taste of actual meat, Veggie Grill is the next best thing!

7. Udupi Cafe, Tempe AZ

Manchurian - This is a south Indian restaurant but most of the food is not so great. Ironically, easily the best tasting thing on their menu is not south Indian food. It is their Manchurian. Holy shit that is some bomb ass tasting shit. I nearly jizzed in my pants when I first had it. If I forget to go to this place whenever I go back to Phoenix, I am going to shoot myself in the mouth. And if I do remember to go, I am still going to shoot myself in the mouth because there aren't many better tasting things it will experience.

6. Bleecker Street Pizza, New York City

Pizza - Bleecker Street Pizza is often given the designation of New York's best pizza. In a land known for having a great pizza joint on almost every block, that is a great accomplishment. It is like being the cheapest Indian, or the dirtiest player on the Celtics. Overall, Bleecker Street does have the best tasting pizza I have ever had. Yes, that includes Pizzeria Bianco in Phoenix. There is something in that sauce that gives it a subtle yet distinguishing spicy flavor. The crust, the cheese, the short wait time, you name it, Bleecker Street excels at every category that has to do with pizza.

5. Little Italy Pizza, 33rd and 5th New York City

Pizza - I have to specify the intersection of this place because there are like 10 different Little Italy Pizza joints in New York City and I am sure they are all awesome because that's just how New York City is! I just wrote about the number 6 entree (Bleecker St. Pizza) being the best overall pizza I have ever had. So why the hell would Little Italy be number 5 on the list? I promise it will make sense after I explain it. Here it is. If I use my brain, Bleecker Street is ranked higher. If I use my heart, Little Italy is ranked higher. Bleecker Street is like Lebron James. Logically, the best in almost all facets of the game. But Little Italy is like Kobe. Even though you know statistically, logically and practically Kobe does not match up to Lebron, if you are Laker fan like me, you will take Kobe over Lebron because you judge with your heart. When I had my rotation at a small pharmaceutical company in Midtown Manhattan, I ate lunch at this place almost every single day for 6 weeks. So I am much more familiar with Little Italy than with Bleecker Street. Also, if you are comparing only the crust, no matter what you use to judge, your brain or your heart, Little Italy has the best god-damn crust I have ever had! There is an element of crunchiness and an unbelievable texture to that crust. I have never seen that kind of crust duplicated anywhere. So Bleecker Street is the best pizza I have ever had in the world, but Little Italy is my favorite pizza in the world!

4. Yard House

The Gardein Menu - Yard House's gardein menu is fucking awesome! Buffalo and firecracker wings, Thai chicken pizza, chicken strips, and a bunch of other fake meat stuff! Meat eaters have told me it is pretty close to the real deal. And those god-damn truffle fries! Easily the best sports bar/restaurant combo I have been to!

3. Bulan Thai Vegetarian Kitchen, West Hollywood CA

Vegetarian chicken wings - Bulan Thai is an all-vegetarian Thai food place. But it's only on here because of it's chicken wings. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THOSE WINGS ARE GOOD!!!!! Whenever my buddies and I go to LA, we pretty much HAVE to make the obligatory stop to Bulan Thai to eat those wings. Even if we are going eat somewhere else, we will go to Bulan Thai and grab some wings as appetizers. The texture of those wings is unlike any other kind of imitation meat I have ever had. It HAS to be the closest possible thing to actual meat. If you are a vegetarian but have a fantasy about eating meat without actually eating it, go to Bulan Thai and grab some of these wings!

2. Mamoun's Falafel, New York City

Falafels - Ok I am sure there are many great falafel places in New York City. I have only been to a few of them. But forget about falafels...Mamoun's has the best overall restaurant food I have ever had. That goddamn falafel is so simple yet so fucking GOOD!!!!! And it's not just about the food. This particular location has no seating. I mean just look at the picture. The place is tiny! But there is always a line there. (Except apparently when that picture was taken...) But the whole Mamoun's food experience is awesome. At night, you will see a bunch of people standing on the street struggling to eat falafels while sauce runs down their hands. (If you watch the show Louis on FX, you can see this scene in the opening credits as Louis CK walks down the street into the Comedy Cellar next door.) We always walked down the block, sat on the curb and gobbled those falafels down like a couple of homeless men. It's a great experience! My dream night in New York City would be to eat some Mamoun's, then go to the world famous 'Comedy Cellar' comedy club next door and catch a set of Louis CK. And I don't know what is in that sauce but it is HEAVENLY!!!!! If cum tasted like that sauce does, I would become a cocksucker overnight.

1. Taco Bell

Everything - There is so much good food at Taco Bell, I didn't know what to put in the picture. So I just put up a picture of the whole menu! I am not going to go much into talking about Taco Bell, because I have already written an entire article about it here!

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

Top 25 Restaurant Foods I Have Ever Eaten (Part 1)

2012-10-07T09:09:00.000-07:00

Recently I went to San Francisco and ate some bomb ass sandwiches. This got me thinking about food. I love food. (In case you couldn't tell from my skinny body.) Earlier this year, I came up with awards for the thing that is INDIRECTLY responsible for making me fat. Now, I have decided to write about the thing that makes me DIRECTLY fat...FOOD! Food is awesome. I haven't met a single person in my life that doesn't like or care about food. (With the exception of HDH Pramukh Swami Maharaj...but he doesn't count since he is an exception on most worldly lists.) Since everyone needs/wants/likes to eat...I hope all of you will enjoy this. Before I delve into this thing mouth first, here are some side notes:

- This list only includes Restaurant food. (Yes, that includes fast foods. Fast food are true restaurants too.) Don't get me wrong, I LOVE homemade food. But that's not what this list is about. My mom and grandma make some bomb ass food. (Any my wife. Kind of.) But that stuff is entirely in its own category. It would be like comparing apples to oranges.
- OBVIOUSLY this list only includes restaurants that I myself have been to. There might be really delicious stuff out there that might belong on this list but I haven't tried yet.

Let's get started...Hopefully by the end of this I will have your mouths more watery than New Orleans after Katrina. Since this list is huge, I had to break it up into 2 parts. Here are numbers 25 to 11.

Honorable Mentions - These places are pretty good but unfortunately, they didn't make the list. Some of them, like the New York City restaurants, are not on the list only because I have only been there once and don't remember a whole lot about the food.

Chipotle
Qdoba
Panda Express
Ghengis Grill, Phoenix AZ
Gobo, New York City
Dhaba, New York City
Tamba, Las Vegas and New York City

Number 25: Jack In The Box

Seasoned Curly Fries and Stuffed Jalapeños - If you know what Ekadashi is and you do it, next time go get some seasoned curly fries from JITB. Greatest Ekadashi food ever! If you eat out...

Number 24 and 23: Subway and Pizza Hut

Veggie Sub and Cheese Pizza - Subway and Pizza Hut are like the Toyota Camry of fast food restaurants. Nothing flashy, sexy, or fancy. But reliable. Dependable. You know what you are going to get and it's not going to disappoint. And with all of these other newer sub and pizza joints popping up, Subway and Pizza Hut still remains the best!

Number 22 and 21: Slices, Tempe/Phoenix AZ and BJ's Restaurant and Brewery

Thin Crust from Slices and Deep Dish from BJ's - Both of these places got the right formula for their respective kinds of pizza. Slices has some really good, easy to eat on-the-go, thin-crust pizza. It's good if you want to grab a quick bite on your way to the movies but you don't want to feel too full. Their formula is: Simple + Fast + Very Hot = Good Thin Crust Pizza. BJ's has some bomb Chicago-style deep-dish thick-crust pizza that is very filling. Their formula is: Slow cooked + Wide variety of toppings + Very Hot = Good Thick Crust Pizza. Oh...and I forgot about the pizookie...one of the greatest desserts ever!

Number 20: Red Robin

Gourmet burgers with boca or garden patty, Unlimited regular or garlic fries - See what I said about Subway and Pizza Hut? The same can be applied to Red Robin's burgers. It's like a fancy Camry. One step above a Camry. Camry XLE? Or maybe an Acura TL. Reliable, dependable, not going to disappoint, but still has some pop to it. And goddamn those garlic fries are good! Especially when they are free. Keep em comin!!!!

Number 19: Albertaco's Mexican Food, Cypress CA

California Burrito with fries - This joint is off the hook! It is the perfect place for college students. (Unfortunately I am not one of those.) Their California burrito with french fries in it is the best burrito (Or second best) I have ever had.

Number 18: Max Brenner, Las Vegas and New York City

The Chocolate Menu and the Hazelnut Cream Chocolate Shake - One word: Chocolate!!!! This place has some bomb ass American food, but it's on here for it's chocolate menu. They got all kinds of chocolate stuff ranging from waffles to fondu to pizza. And the Hazelnut Cream Chocolate Milkshake is one of the greatest tasting shakes I have ever had.

Number 17: Macayo's Mexican Kitchen, Arizona

Enchilada-style burritos - It's like El Torito, but good! If you have a ball, you will order the big-ass burrito they have but make it enchilada-style. If you have two balls, you will finish it.

Number 16: Tandoori Times, Phoenix AZ

Paneer Wrap - I've only been to this place once and don't remember much of it. That's how good these paneer wraps were. And much like many of these restaurants, it would be much higher on the rankings if I went there more often.

Number 15: Best Thai Cuisine, Riverside CA

Spicy Fried Rice, Pad Thai, Pad Kee Mow, Chicken Cashew (Tofu) - Discovered this place in college thanks to my roommate and friend. It's a small place but it's full of heat, spice, flavor, and the best Thai food I have ever had to date.

Number 14 - Cafeteria, New York City

Truffle Mac n' Cheese - I came down to this place for "Sunday brunch" with my roommate in NYC. It was pretty awesome. The freaking wait was so long that we ended up going across the street and ate lunch at a pizza joint before coming back and eating brunch. Even though our stomachs were full, we ordered triple digits worth of food for the two of us and we finished it. That's how good this place was! (Also: That's how expensive this place was!) The truffle flavored mac n' cheese is definitely on the short list of the greatest things I have ever tasted.

Number 13 - Ike's Place, San Francisco CA

Veggie sandwiches - There is only one word why this place is ranked so high on my list: Options. Especially when you don't eat meat, you appreciate sandwich places that give you options. With all the different kinds of sandwiches they have, and the different options of breads and toppings, there are hundreds of different options for vegeterians. I appreciate that.

Number 12 - Gobi Mongolian BBQ, Los Angeles CA

Tofu, veggies, noodles, and bunch of different sauces cooked right in front of you - This Mongolian BBQ idea is ingenius. Basically you pick what you want and the combination of the ingredients. Then you give the bowl to the cook who cooks it all right in front of you on a big ass hot plate. If it doesn't taste good, it's on you. But it tastes good pretty much every time!

Number 11 - Pizzeria Bianco, Phoenix AZ

Margherita and Biancoverde Pizza (Gourmet) - My undergrad physiology professor told me about this place after I told him I was moving to Phoenix for pharmacy school. For A LOT of people, this place is ranked much higher. Usually number 1. Although I don't have it in my top 10, I do remember the pizza being pretty damn good. Maybe it is simply because I have only been there once. Can you blame me? The place is so goddamn hard to get into. This is definitely the most INTERESTING restaurant out this entire list of 25. Here is why.

First of all, the place is rated world's best pizza by MANY credible food reviewers including Bon Appetit, the NY times, Vogue, and Rachel Ray. At one point in time, if you googled "world's best pizza" the first 10 hits were Pizzeria Bianco. Sure, the pizza is good. (I mean they made a pizza without sauce taste better than the one with sauce. That is some mad skills.) But is it THAT good? There are definitely other factors besides food in play here that lead to this kind of recognition. This is a very interesting phenomenon.

It all has to do with the economic priniciple of sunken cost. This place is one of the hardest in the world to get into. First of all, it is world famous, yet it is a small space with maybe 15 tables. They only take reservations for parties of 6-10. Everyone else must be seated on a first-come first-serve basis. You can go there ahead of time, put your name on the list, call them every hour to keep your name on the list, and then have them call you an hour before they can seat you. So I went there at 5PM, put my name on the list for 2 people, drove back home, played a game of intermural football, and got a call at 8PM that there will be a table ready at 9PM. DID I TELL YOU THIS WAS ON A WEDNESDAY NIGHT??? And when we got there at 9, it took another 45 minutes of us waiting in the bar next door before being seated. Was it worth it? Sure. Only because I was a bum of a student and didn't care much for studying so I had a bunch of time on my hands. But for tourists, visitors, and people with jobs, this might be a pain in the ass, especially when everyone tells you that you "have to go there."

So imagine you went through all of that to eat some pizza... All that time spent is sunken cost. So in order to keep you sane, and not feel ashamed that you went through all of that just for some fucking pizza, your brain tells you that this pizza is so damn good, that it was all worth it!!! That's the only way you will keep your sanity and not hate yourself. That psychological effect, combined with the hype you have heard about this place before you got there, and the fact that the world famous celebrity chef (Chris Bianco) that you saw on the food network is 5 feet away from you making your pizza and talking to you personally and then coming over to your table to say hello, makes you think this is definitely the world's best pizza! (Even though the actual food might not be.)

Wow...that was a very tough article to write. So much good food. Every time I look at it, I end up coming up with a completely different rankings order. Stay tuned for part 2 when we look at the Top 10!!!

Thanks for reading!

Yours truly,

The King of Nothing

The All-Time Fantasy Football Team

2012-09-16T08:09:00.000-07:00

I love football. NFL football to be specific. While NBA basketball is my first love and will be number one on my sports priorities at least for the foreseeable future, I love NFL football for a completely different set of reasons. Unlike the NBA (Lakers), I have no emotional vestige in the NFL. And I love that. (That will probably change when/if LA gets an NFL team.) But nevertheless, I probably follow the NFL more closely than any other sports (including the NBA). Why? FANTASY FOOTBALL of course...

So I decided to make a list of my all-time FANTASY FOOTBALL starting line-up. Here are a couple of things to take note of before you go balls deep (pun intended) into this list...

1. This list is about fantasy football. Not real football. So the players here might not be the best at their positions. It's all about the stats. Not about championships, talent, skills, clutchness, pedigree, etc. That's why guys like Joe Montana, Jim Brown, Barry Sanders, and Terrell Davis are not on this list.

2. The modern game of football has seen an explosion in the offensive part of the game. The game is quicker and much more complex (especially the offense) than in the past. Touchdowns, yardage, and scoring is on the rise. That's why if you look up the stats, most of the all-time leaders in major offensive categories will be relatively modern players. So naturally, this list will contain mostly modern players.

3. There are many fantasy football formats. For the purposes of this list, I have chosen to go with the format that I have personally played in for more than 10 years. It consists of QB WR WR WR RB RB TE K DEF.

4. In order to determine who should be on this list, I have used several factors besides the obvious one, which is stats. I have taken account injury risk as well. Has the player been relatively healthy and durable throughout his career? Consistency is also considered when determining a player's fantasy value. That includes year to year as well as game to game consistency.

5. I have left out the emerging stars. This is because they are still young and we don't know what their careers will turn into. So great fantasy ballers like Aaron Rodgers, Matthew Stafford, Cam Newton, Arian Foster, Rob Gronkowski, Jimmy Graham, Larry Fitzgerald, and even Calvin Johnson have been left off the list...for now...

So without further a due, here is the list:

Quarterback - Peyton Manning

Whether Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback of all-time or not is a question that can be debated for hours and hours. But you know what is an undisputed fact? Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback of all-time in fantasy football. Just like with any all-time ranking, this doesn't mean he's the best fantasy quarterback right now. It doesn't even mean he had the greatest fantasy season ever. (Guys like Brady and Brees have had better individual seasons.) It just means he has been the greatest throughout his overall career. Here are a few statistics to prove it. If you didn't know them, they are pretty amazing.

1. During the first 13 years of his career, Peyton Manning did not miss a single game! THIRTEEN YEARS! Most football players don't last 13 total years in the league. Until recently when Manning missed the entire season last year, he was the most durable player in fantasy football history. (Except for Bret Favre, but with Favre's interception totals, sometimes his fantasy owners wished he would miss a game or two.)

2. With the exception of his rookie year, Peyton Manning has thrown for at least 4000 years every single year of his career. That's incredible. Throwing 4000 yards is not easy. To do it year in year out was nearly impossible. Notice I said "was". The last couple of years the league has evolved into a passing league. So 4000 yards will eventually be the average. But that was not the case when Manning was in his heyday.

Brady is a much better fantasy quarterback now and has been recently. After Manning had the greatest fantasy season of all time in 2004 (49TD/10INT), Brady came back in 2007 and had an even better season (50TD/8INT). Remember in the beginning I mentioned consistency. Peyton Manning has been a fantasy football stud his entire career. Brady on the other hand, was considered more of a Derek Jeter type during the first half of his career. He was someone with great intangibles and knew how to win but just an average quarterback when you looked at the numbers. Only during the second half of his career did Brady turn into a fantasy monster. A combination of Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez. But as the old football adage goes...if you have 2 quarterbacks, you have none. And since there can only be one, there is no one worthy of being our all-time fantasy football starting quarterback, other than the one and only...Peyton Manning!!!

Wide Receiver 1 - Jerry Rice

This is the biggest no-brainer of all time. Are you kidding me? Jerry Rice owns almost every single receiving record ever. Forget being the best receiver, Jerry Rice is considered to be the greatest football player ever by many people. He's the Michael Jordan of the NFL. Just look at his career stats. Find me a wide receiver who has had a better career. To give you an example, the following are the statistical career categories that Jerry Rice leads. Look at how much distance there is between him and the next guy:

Career receptions
1. Jerry Rice (1549)
2. Tony Gonzalez (1154)
Difference: 395 receptions (To give you an example of how big this difference is, 395 receptions is how many receptions Greg Jennings, a pro-bowl star receiver who has been playing for 6 years has. It is also the same amount of receptions Nate Burleson has, who has been a starting WR in the NFL for 9 years.)

Career receiving yards
1. Jerry Rice (22895)
2. Terrell Owens (15934)
Difference: 6961 yards (This is approximately the same amount yards as the career yardage for the following star/well known receivers: Wes Welker, Antonio Freeman, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Dwight Clark, Brandon Marshall, Deon Branch.)

Career receiving TD
1. Jerry Rice (197)
2. Randy Moss (154)
Difference: 43 TDs (43 TDs is approximately equal to the career TDs of Roddie White, Dallas Clark, Terry Glenn, TJ Houshmandzadeh, Lee Evans, Todd Heap, and Jason Whitten.)

In addition to these, Jerry Rice is the all-time leader in overall TDs, points scored by non-kicker, yards from scrimmage, and all-purpose yards. This is incredible considering the fact that there is a whole bunch of great running backs, and Rice was a WR.

He had 4 seasons with 1500 yards, 9 seasons with over 1200 yards, 6 seasons with over 1300 yards, and 13 seasons with over 1000 yards!!! In 1995, the dude had 1848 yards!!!! Incredible. He was also remarkably durable. The man played 20 years in the NFL. That's a possible 320 games. Out of those, Jerry Rice only missed 18 games!!! I am not sure why I spent so much time explaining how good Jerry Rice was. I am pretty sure I didn't need to convince anyone that he belongs on this fantasy team.

Wide Receiver 2 - Terrell Owens

I don't care what you think about Terrell Owens' personality. Sure he was a bad teammate. Sure he was selfish. Sure was a locker room cancer. But fantasy football doesn't care. Fantasy football is all about the numbers. And when it comes to the numbers, Terrell Owens was really really really fucking good. One of the most talented players to ever step foot on the football field, TO was a touchdown machine. I am sure guys like Calvin Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald will replace TO when I make this list 5 years from now, but for now, TO belongs as the number 2 WR on the all-time fantasy football team.

Wide Receiver 3 - Randy Moss

With his combination of height, speed, and hands, Randy Moss is the most talented and naturally gifted receiver ever. The problem with Randy is consistency. Randy Moss played the game one of two ways. He was either all-in or all-out. His career numbers clearly reflect that. But when Randy Moss was all in, boy was he fucking good! In 2007, he had the second single greatest season by a WR ever (1493/23) behind Jerry Rice's 1995 season (1848/22). As a rookie, he had 1313 yards and 17 TDs!!!

Running Back 1 - LaDainian Tomlinson

In his prime, LT was a beast when it came to fantasy football! And when it came to fantasy football, LT was in his prime pretty much his entire career. LT probably had the longest stretch of time of any player where he was considered a fantasy football number 1 pick. Here is why:

1. From 2001 to 2008, he was a shoe-in to get a guaranteed 1500 yards, double digit TDs, and near 2000 yards from scrimmage.

2. In 2006, LT had the greatest offensive season of all-time and the greatest fantasy football season for a non-QB. He had more than 1800 yards rushing, more than 500 yards receiving, more than 2300 yards from scrimmage, and total of FREAKING 31 TOUCHDOWNS!!! (28 rushing, 3 receiving) That's insane.

3. In that same 2001-2008 stretch, LT only missed ONE GAME!!!!!

Running Back 2 - Marshall Faulk

Marshall Faulk is one my favorite players of all time. Why? Unlike Randy Moss, Marshall Faulk wasn't naturally gifted. He wasn't the fastest or the strongest or the most talented. He kind of looked fat. I don't know how the hell Marshall Faulk did what he did on the football field. The man had a special ability to make something out of nothing. He also had brains. And also, a big part of it was the great offense he was playing in. Marshall Faulk was a true running back and a true WR. The man used to line up in the backfield, in the slot, on the edge. It didn't matter. He knew how to run. He knew how to catch. He knew how to catch and then run. Marshall Faulk was one of the most versatile players in NFL history! Here are some crazy Marshall Faulk stats.

1. In 1999, Marshall Faulk had more than 1300 rushing yards AND more than 1000 RECEIVING YARDS!!!! Are you kidding me??? The man was a RB and he had over 1000 receiving yards. The year before and the year after, he did pretty much the same thing with more than 900 and 800 receiving yards.

2. Marshall Faulk had more than 2000 yards from scrimmage for 4 years in a row!!!! (1998-2001)

3. As a rookie, Marshall Faulk had more than 1800 yards from scrimmage (1200 rushing/600 receiving) and 12 TDs. AS A ROOKIE!!!!!

4. Even in his waning years (2002-2004), when he was getting old, due to his versatility as a receiver, Marshall Faulk managed to get more than 1000 yards from scrimmage as an aging out-of-his-prime veteran.

Tight End - Tony Gonzalez

This is going to be a moot point in a few years after Rob Gronkowski and Jimmy Graham have had a few years under their belts. But for now, this one is not even close. Are you kidding me? For all of you Antonio Gates fans, just go ahead and compare Tony Gonzalez and Antonio Gates' careers. Look at the total numbers, average numbers, and also durability. Then come back and tell me who belongs on this team as the starting tight end:

Tony Gonzalez Career Stats vs. Antonio Gates Career Stats

Kicker - Adam Vinatieri

Anyone that has played fantasy football knows you just can't spend too much time researching on your kicker. So I won't spend much time here. There are two big factors that go into deciding your kicker. First is the team's offensive powers. Second is the kicker's ability to make kicks. Adam Vinateiri was strong in both. He played for the great Brady's Patriots offense and then for Manning's Colts offense. And we all know the man could make a field goal with the best of them.

Defense - Baltimore

Over the years, there have been many great defenses in fantasy football. Some are pretty new and used to suck. Like the 49ers, Texans, and Jets. Others used to be great but now are not. Like the Buccaneers, Bears, and Eagles. But there has only been one team that has been a true great defense pretty much the entire time during the fantasy football era. That is the Baltimore Ravens! When is the last time you heard the Ravens giving up 30+ points? Can you remember? Me neither.

The Bench

Tom Brady
See the Peyton Manning Section

Marvin Harrison
Who do you think was the beneficiary of all of those great Peyton Manning years?

Tory Holt
Extremely underrated. The man was a top 5 WR year in and year out.

Antonio Gates
See the Tony Gonzalez section. The only other option is Antonio Gates.

Adrian Peterson
Three words: Fantasy football beast!!!!! Still has many years ahead of him to move into the starting line up if injuries don't keep him out.

Emmitt Smith
One word: CONSISTENCY!!!!!

To summarize, here is my ALL-TIME FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM

QB - Peyton Manning
WR - Jerry Rice
WR - Terrell Owens
WR - Randy Moss
RB - LaDanian Tomlinson
RB - Marshall Faulk
TE - Tony Gonzalez
K - Adam Vinatieri
Def - Baltimore Ravens
Bench - Tom Brady
Bench - Marvin Harrison
Bench - Tory Holt
Bench - Antonio Gates
Bench - Adrian Peterson
Bench - Emmitt Smith

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

Extra Sauce = No Sauce (AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!)

2012-09-13T12:43:00.003-07:00

If you have been reading my blog, you may have noticed I have a very wide range of variety when it comes to the type of writing I do. Some of my articles are very serious and tackle real world issues like healthcare and education. Some of them are kind of serious/kind of sarcastic commentaries on society. Some of them are about sports. Some are lists and rankings. And some are just straight up rants littered with insults and curse words. Let me tell you right now...this one is going to be one of those. But this is not one of my average rants. It is not just an excuse to type "fuck" 50 times and let out the anger built up from everyday life. Some of you may know this, but a great man once said (As a matter of fact one of the greatest men ever)...cursing is the male equivalent to menstruation. Being recently married, I just learned that women have these things called periods! Who knew? I guess they are necessary for women to release certain substances. In the same way, a true man curses in order to let out what needs to be let out. My menstruation cycle comes in the form of the rants I write on my blog. But this rant is much more than that. It is an issue that is very close to my heart...

Why the fuck is it that whenever you ask for something in today's modern world, you always get the exact fucking opposite? It has a become some kind of hard and fast law of physics that you will always get the opposite of what you asked for every single goddamn time! Like Newton's Law or something. What the fuck has this world come to? Is this what we have turned into as a society? Didn't Darwin say evolution is supposed to make a species better? How the fuck are we going backwards? What the fuck are these people thinking?

Let me give you some specific examples. As a side note, I would just like to say that no matter what I write here, at the end of the day, I still love Taco Bell. But every single fucking time I go to Taco Bell, I ask for some specific things. They not very hard at all to do. Monkeys can figure it out. Or maybe not. The humans working there cannot figure it out so you never know. To make it easier, here is a list of the specific things I usually ask for.

1. Add guacamole on the supreme nachos
2. Add extra red sauce on the bean burrito
3. Put a "whole bunch of fire sauce" in the bag

Now if you asked me to bet every single penny of my tiny financial worth, including my Benz, and you can even include the lives of my family and friends, I would wager it all on the fact that one or more of those requests will not be made. THESE FUCKING BABOONS WORKING IN THE TACO BELL KITCHEN ARE OUT OF CONTROL!!!!! THEY SHOULD ALL BE ARRESTED, TRIED, AND CONVICTED FOR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY.

Almost every motherfucking time I get my food, there is absolutely no guacamole on the nachos! Is this too much to ask for? All you have to do it look on the screen and read "add guacamole" under the supreme nachos. Then you take the guacamole dispenser full of old, dirty, not fresh, yummy guacamole and press the button until a bunch of green crap squirts out on the nachos, like a baby taking a shit! It's not that hard. Don't even get me start on the fucking bean burrito. Judging from the amount of red sauce on the burrito, I have no other choice but to think that they are intentionally fucking with me. The amount of red sauce on that shit is so minuscule, that I always wonder if they would have given me more sauce if I had not said anything at all! And do I need to even say anything about the amount of fire sauce packets? Let me ask you a question. Please it answer it honesty. When someone asks you for "a whole bunch of" something, would any reasonably thinking person take that to mean three? Thank you.

Unfortunately, this kind of incompetence is not limited to Taco Bell. Recently I went to Olive Garden, (for the last time ever by the way) and I asked for my pasta to be extra saucy. Do I even have to tell you what fucking came back? That's right. Pasta with virtually no sauce. God help me. Even more unfortunately, this shit is not limited to food. When you order something online, you have to fucking pray harder than Tim Tebow in front of cameras in order to make sure you get exactly what you paid for. When you are getting some work done on your house, you have to literally put yourself all up in the guy's ass and watch his every move in order to make sure he doesn't fuck up. What the fuck is wrong with people? If I had one wish, I would not ask for eternal happiness, or a billion dollars. You know what I would ask for? I WOULD ASK FOR FOR THE ABILITY TO READ THESE ASSHOLES' MINDS SO THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT, IF ANYTHING, IS GOING THROUGH THEIR FUCKING BRAIN WHEN THEY ARE DOING THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT I REQUESTED!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I have to take a break. I think I just broke the 'H' key on by keyboard.

Ok I am back. I have written about how our society is being ravaged by a wave of laziness, self-entitlement, carelessness, and dishonesty. But the most dangerous thing out of all of these is INCOMPETENCE. We are becoming more and more of an incompetent race. The events of the movie Planet of the Apes are much closer to being a possible reality than they were say...50 years ago. Forget occupy Wall Street. Forget healthcare. Forget education. Forget the economy. We as a society need to first and foremost fix the problem of incompetence. Because if we don't...like I said before, our society will be going to hell in a hand basket...if the basket doesn't break first.

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

The Middle Ground. Where Did it Go?

2012-08-19T23:09:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if all of you know but a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. Mainly, I got married. Wait a minute...let me retype that in a manner that better represents how I feel about this: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...I JUST FUCKING GOT MARRIED...LIKE WITH A REAL GIRL AND EVERYTHING...IT'S LIKE HAVING A PERSON ATTACHED TO ME AT ALL TIMES...HOLY SHIT I HAVE A WIFE NOW...HOW THE HELL CAN THAT HAPPEN? I AM STILL A CHILD! I AM WAY TOO IMMATURE FOR THIS... AREN'T THERE LAWS TO MAKE SURE THIS KIND OF THING DOESNT HAPPEN??? HOLY SHIT I AM FREAKING MARRIED!!!

[After a few minutes of blankly staring at the wall contemplating on what the hell has just happened to me in the last few days...] Ok! I am back. So as I was saying...a lot has happened. Besides the wedding, I took three weeks off work...saw and hung out with lot of family and friends-some of whom I haven't seen in years, went on a vacation of a lifetime, had a major health concern with a close family member, and had another family member who just had two twin girls. It was a pretty eventful couple of weeks for sure. But the point is that it provided me with some awesome material for the blog (not that I needed it). Unfortunately, I was so busy, so I didn't even get a chance to look at my blog's stats let alone actually write something. But now I have some free time...so here it goes.

Do you ever catch yourself saying or thinking, "Whatever happened to...?" Usually when people say this, they refer to something or someone in the past that is no longer in use or seen today. Like VHS tapes, Thrifty ice cream, or the kid from Home Alone. But lately I have been saying more and more of this to myself...and usually referring to CONCEPTS! Things like chivalry, honesty, integrity, good work ethic, etc. So I decided to write about one of those "Whatever happened to..." things. I am sure you all know what the endangered species list is. Well...think of this as an endangered concept. This idea is no longer existent or is very close to being wiped out. It is the idea of the Middle Ground. So here we go...

Have you been following the news lately? Almost every single issue/story/event is analyzed in terms of the very extreme sides of the spectrum. Here are some examples.

1. President Obama is looked at as either the second coming of Jesus Christ by the liberals or a commy socialist by the conservatives. He is somewhere in the middle.

2. Ravi Dharun, the Indian kid who videotaped his gay roommate who later committed suicide is either a homophobic bully who committed murder or a victim of the media's overreacting agenda. People choose to ignore the fact that the kid who committed suicide suffered from many psychological and depression issues long before he met Ravi. He had a family who wasn't totally accepting of his homosexuality. Ravi had actually sent text messages to the kid apologizing for some of the hateful acts he had done. Is he still at fault? Yes. But his true guiltiness is somewhere in the middle of the two extremes.

3. Gun violence is entirely the fault of pro-gun laws or entirely the fault of people. People either want to completely outlaw guns, or completely allow them. I am sure there is some middle ground that can be found on this issue, like banning assault weapons and/or having stricter background checks and some sort of continual system of checking or testing those that want to buy guns...or something!

When the hell did society become like this? In all of those issues above, the TRUTH is probably somewhere in the middle. I am still pretty young so I am not entirely sure but wasn't there more middle ground back in the day? I do seem to recall in my high school history class the concept of compromise used to come up a lot. When is the last time someone considered the concept of compromise as a first-line resort rather than a last ditch effort? When is the last time Democrats and Republicans actually put the issue ahead of their party interests? One of my lifelong missions in life is to reintroduce this middle ground approach to the world. Any time myself or someone close to me has a problem, I am always going to consider compromise and the middle ground as an option. And believe me, the problems will come. (Read the first paragraph if you want to know why the problems will come...)

Speaking of which, one perfect little example of this already occurred in my young and short marriage life. On the second day after my wedding, my wife and I were planning on going to Universal Studios. Before we left, she asked me if I can show her how to use the washing machine after we come back so she could do laundry. Now, if you know me, you know that I don't know the first thing about how to use the washing machine in my house. So I told her I didn't know how to use it, and she decided she will figure it out later. Now here is the problem that I envisioned in my head after I had this conversation with my wife: Since we were leaving for the entire day, my mom would be home and she would see the dirty clothes in our room and maybe...just maybe...she might have a thought like "Oh, my son's wife didn't think to do anything about this laundry." (I am not saying she had this thought but she COULD have.) And this wouldn't be fair to my wife because she actually DID have the thought. So what should I do?

If you were to solve this problem according to what society does nowadays, which is ignore the middle ground, you would either do one of two things: 1. Leave the laundry and risk making a bad impression about your wife to your mother or 2. Figure out the laundry before leaving the house and be late for Universal Studios and push everything back for the entire day.

Fortunately, there is such a thing as middle ground. The solution might seem very simple to many of you. It may be so obvious that you might think reading this was a waste of time. But you would be surprised how sometimes the most obvious and simple solutions are often ignored...leading to things like failed marriages. The solution was...I told my wife to ask my mom how to work the washing machine before we left. This accomplishes a very important thing. It looks good to my mom that my wife is taking the initiative. Secondly, my mom knows we have to go to Universal Studios so she will undoubtedly say something like, "Don't worry about it because you guys have to leave so I will show you after you guys come back." So it's not DOING the laundry that's important right now, it's about SHOWING my mom that she had the thought to do it. (And after all, she DID originally have the thought, which is the most important thing.) This solution offers the middle ground and is a win-win. And it worked out EXACTLY, like how I had envisioned. See? This marriage thing ain't that hard. I don't know why everybody is trippin...

Since that day, I have made many tiny little compromises. Even a stubborn asshole like me has to sacrifice something if I want a successful marriage. It's too bad our society is going away from this idea. Society as a whole has become one big stubborn asshole. The only way it will learn, is if all of the little individual stubborn assholes that make up the one big stubborn asshole can change the way they approach things and learn the concept of the middle ground. So if you know any of these tiny little stubborn assholes...please refer them to this blog!

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

The Dream Team: 1992 vs. 2012

2012-07-12T17:43:00.001-07:00

So I have seen so much about this whole Dream Team issue and who is the better team between 1992 and 2012. First Kobe started talking shit about how they are more athletic and how the 1992 team was not in their prime. Then Barkley and Jordan fired back saying how they are smarter and most of the people on the 1992 were in their prime. Then the media got a whiff of this and ran wild like a Kenyan in a marathon. First of all, I don't understand how its news when Kobe Bryant says his team would win. No shit you morons! What did you expect? Did you think the Black Mamba would think or say anything different? More importantly, do you want your olympic leader to have any other attitude besides that? The same goes for Jordan and Barkley. All of these guys are the ultimate competitors so even if they had me and you as their best teammates, they would think their team was the best. So let's dismiss all of the hype and talk about basketball. Smart basketball. Logical basketball. Let me break this bitch down by asking the right questions!

Question 1: Which team has the most superstars in their prime?

Answer: The 1992 Team (Sorry Kobe but you wrong on this one)

Read the question again. Notice I didn't ask which team has the most PLAYERS in their prime? I asked about SUPERSTARS in their prime. There is a difference. For example, the 2012 has Andre Iguodala. He is in his prime. But what difference does that make? He's still not better than the 1992 Magic who was not in his prime. Same can be said of Christian Laettner and Tyson Chandler. So the real question is which team has the most superstars in their prime? Here is the breakdown:

1992 - Prime Superstars (9)

1. David Robinson

2. Karl Malone

3. Charles Barkley

4. Michael Jordan

5. Patrick Ewing

6. Scottie Pippen

7. Clyde Drexler

8. John Stockton

9. Chris Mullin

The others: Magic and Bird on the back end of their career. Laettner not a superstar.

2012 - Prime/Entering their prime Superstars (7.5)

1. Lebron James

2. Kevin Durant (Entering his prime)

3. Chris Paul

4. Kevin Love (Entering his prime)

5. Carmelo Anthony

6. Russel Westbrook (Entering his prime)

7. Deron Williams

7.5 Blake Griffin (He can go either way depending how he decides to approach his career. If he wants to be great and work on his flaws then he's not in his prime. If he doesn't, then we have pretty much seen his ceiling.)

The others: Let's not kid ourselves. Kobe is nowhere close to his prime despite the numbers. Tyson Chandler and Andre Iguodala are not superstars. James Harden not a superstar. Maybe he will be in the future.

Question 2: Which team has better athletes?

Answer: The 2012 Team. But it's closer than you think.

Every time someone thinks about the 1992 team, they think about an aging Bird with a messed up back lying around in practicing and barely playing. Or a fat Barkely or aging Magic. But that wasn't the case. There were some crazy athletes on that team. Michael Jordan and Clyde Drexler in their prime were as good of an athlete as anybody in the history of the league. David Robinson. Are you kidding me? He was easily a top 5 big man of all time in terms of athletic ability. Karl Malone's body was that of a Greek god. With all that said, the 2012 team is just loaded with athletic ability. Lebron James is the greatest athlete in NBA history. Some people who would argue with that may throw in names like Russell Westbrook and Blake Griffin, who are both on the team as well. Deron Williams is as quick and strong of a PG as there has ever been. Iguodala is a monster athlete as well. Even the players on this team that are not known for their athletic ability are pretty good athletes. (Kevin Durant/Carmelo Anthony)

Question 3: Which team has the smarter players?

Answer: The 1992 Team. And it's not even close.

The players on the 1992 team are much smarter only because where they were at that point in their careers. All of the 1992 players (except Laettner) were in the middle of their career or on the back end. There was no one that was just starting off his career. So they had a bunch of years of experience. The 2012 team on the other hand, mostly has players that are in the middle of their career or on the earlier part of their career. They are still learning. Let's list all of the cerebral players. 1992 has Michael Jordan, David Robinson, Magic Johnson, John Stockton, Larry Bird who were popularly known as very smart players. Even the other players like Barkley, Malone, Pippen, Mullin, and Ewing were pretty smart and savvy veterans by the time 1992 rolled around. The 2012 team has Kobe, Chris Paul, and Kevin Love. Those are the only 3 players that are actually known for their basketball brains. But that doesn't mean this team is dumb. The other guys are pretty smart and young. They are just learning. By the time 2016 Olympics roll around, the answer to this question will probably be a tie.

Question 4: WHO WINS IN A GAME??????

Answer: When is the game being played? Old school reffing style: 1992 team wins easily. Modern reffing style: 2012 team has a chance but 1992 still pulls it out.

Here is the deal. If we are just talking about pick up basketball without the sophisticated rules of the NBA game and no free throws/unlimited fouls like in street ball, then I think it's pretty much a toss up. Because the 1992 team would lose a lot of their advantages. Either team can win any given game. If you did a statistical simulation, and they played in this style an infinite amount of games, the 1992 team would win half and the 2012 team would win half.

With that said, we are probably not talking about streetball here. We are talking about professional basketball players so we should have them playing a professional basketball game. And those have refs. And rules. And each era has a very separate and distinct way the game was officiated. So if we play in the 1992 team's era, were refs were much more lenient in terms of hard fouls, then the stronger more physical team is going to win easily. That is the 1992 team. They have 2 legitimate and dominant centers who are all-time greats in David Robinson and Patrick Ewing. Tyson Chandler is a good team defensive player, but there is no way in hell he can guard either one of those guys. The 2012 has no other center. Kevin Love and Blake Griffin would get eaten alive by both of those guys. The 1992 team also has very physical perimeter players like Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Clyde Drexler, Scottie Pippen. Every time guys like Lebron, CP3, Durant, Westbrook, and Deron enter the lane, those guys would try to dish out as much physical punishment as possible. Lebron and Kobe are the only ones that can withstand that kind of punishment. I haven't even mentioned Barkley and Malone yet, who were some of the most physical players in the history of the game.

If we play by today's officiating style, the refs would not let the game get physical. Lebron would have a much easier day driving to the basket. And without fouling, I don't care how good those defenders on the 1992 team were. There is no stopping Lebron! No way. But the 1992 team can just as easily counter with Jordan or Barkley. The 2012 team would start out strong and hang in there but eventually, there is just way too much talent on the 1992 team to overcome. Most importantly, if the game was anywhere close to being undecided, the 1992 team has by far the best player and greatest closer in Michael Jordan. The game would come down to Michael Jordan vs. Kobe Bryant. (That is a whole another article in itself.) Kobe Bryant even in his prime is not better than Michael Jordan in his prime. So there is no way this 2012 Kobe Bryant would be able to handle the 1992 Michael Jordan. Kobe might still be able to put a few points up on young Jordan but 1992 Jordan would go ape shit on offense! There would be no stopping him. Close or not, the 1992 team pulls this one out no matter which way you look at it!

Thanks for reading!

Yours truly,

The King of Nothing.

PS. I would just like to honor the 2008 Redeem Team. Personally, I think that is a much better team than the 2012 team and has a much better chance to compete with the 1992 team than the current 2012 team does. That team had a dominant big man in Dwight Howard, Kobe Bryant in his prime, a great shooter in Michael Redd, and a game changer in Dwayne Wade in his prime. It didn't however, have Kevin Durant or athletes like Westbrook and Griffin. But I think Dwight's dominance, Kobe being younger, and Wade off the bench makes up for all of that.

Healthcare: Consider It Solved!

2012-07-03T01:54:00.000-07:00

When I wrote about how to fix the education system a couple months back, it was a pretty simple solution. Make teachers smarter. Make people take school more seriously. Make education a private industry. Boom! Done! Fixed! Send me the check in the mail America. The healthcare issue however, is a bit more complicated. Don't get me wrong. I am smart as hell...So it's not complicated to me. By complicated I meant that my explanation might be hard for the rest of you to understand. But I am not going to let your stupidity stop me from writing an article about a brilliant way to solve this issue. So let's get started.

Let's first tackle this dumbass question of whether healthcare is a right or a privilege. Who the fuck cares? It's neither. Healthcare is healthcare! It's like any other fucking product or service out there. You get what you can fucking afford! Let's take food for example. Is food a right? Well...that depends on what your definition of "right" is. In terms of the United States constitution, there is some shit in there about everyone being entitled to equality and voting and not being enslaved and civil liberties and all that...but nothing as far I know about being entitled to food or not starving. So in those terms, food is not a right. Some would define "right" on a more primitive basis. They would argue that all humans being born are entitled to basic necessities such as food just on a pure humanity level. These people would say food is a right. But if you are going to argue in primitive terms, why stop there? Take it a step further. Humans are animals. Animals are part of nature. And nature doesn't guarantee shit! Whether it is a tiger in Bengal that can't find prey, a polar bear that can't find fish, or a giraffe that can't find trees in a drought, animals die all the time due to lack of food. Why should nature be any different for humans? In those terms, food is not a right. Do you see what I mean here? These are retarded questions with no real answers that lead to no practical solutions. The whole right vs. privilege bullshit is just some cool play on words being used as political rhetoric in order to influence people. Here is the bottom line: Healthcare is just like anything else in the world. Poor people eat cans of beans that cost 89 cents. Rich people eat 70 dollar lobsters. Healthcare should be the same. You have a right to as much of it as you want, as long as you have the ability to pay for it. Now I know what you are thinking. You might be saying to yourself that what I am describing is healthcare being a privilege. And I am saying that go fuck yourself! If you want to call it a privilege, be my guest. All I am saying is that healthcare is like anything else. Whether you call it a right or a privilege or whatever...makes no difference to me and arguing over it does absolutely nothing to solve the problem.

Now if you are really smart, your next thought should be this: Healthcare is not like anything else because there are cheap alternatives to almost everything else. If that was your next thought please pat yourself on the back. Because after reading the last paragraph anyone with any kind of significant neural activity in their brain would have that thought. Now let me address that thought. Let's go back to the food example. I mentioned the whole poor people eat beans vs. rich people eat lobsters thing. Smart people would say that at least there are 89 cent cans of beans available for poor people. But what is the 89 cent can of bean equivalent in healthcare? On the whole, all of healthcare is pretty damn expensive regardless of quality of care. Healthcare doesn't provide nearly as much of a range of extremely cheap to expensive luxurious options that food does. Well you know what? I think it does. As matter of fact, I think the cheap version of healthcare is so cheap...that it's actually free! Hell, it might even save people money! It's called........drum rollllllllllllllllllllllll.........PREVENTATIVE CARE!!!!!!

If we are going to solve this healthcare issue as a nation, everyone will need to understand one very important thing. We are not going to solve this only by making laws or policies. A genuine desire and motivation to change one's behavior for the better will be required by masses of people across the country. And the behavior improvement will for the most part need to be on the part of the poor. Listen to me poor people. You are poor. You need to understand that many of the illnesses (diabetes, heart disease, STDs, most infectious disease, AIDS, some cancers) that you are complaining about treating can be PREVENTED. So you have absolutely no right to complain about not being able to afford healthcare regarding those issues that could have been PREVENTED by living a healthier life. Now don't get me wrong. I breathe Taco Bell food instead of oxygen. Often times I eat my biggest meal of the day after midnight. I eat literally zero fruits or vegetables. I drive my benz like a maniac on meth. I drink public water when I visit India. I don't put the paper on the seat when I use a public toilet. In no way shape or form do I live a healthy life. So me telling people to live a healthy life may sound hypocritical. But you know what? It's not! Because I can afford treatment for my eventual diabetes and heart disease. I can afford treatment when I catch hepatitis from drinking sugarcane juice off a cart. I can afford treatment when I break my neck in a wreck. I can afford treatment when I catch gonorrhea from the airport toilet. Those are luxuries I can afford! Just like the 70 dollar lobster. Poor people can't! But guess what? They can very easily avoid all of those things by living a better a life than me and not doing all of those unhealthy things. That's their 89 cent can of beans! So if you know you can't afford healthcare, all you have to do is live healthier...and raise your kids to do the same...and that takes care of 90% of your health concerns.

So what about the other 10%? What about all of those things that cannot be helped or controlled or avoided? Well...first, let's take out the 90% I talked about. Maybe that 90% is actually closer to 60% in reality. Or maybe it's closer to 99%. Regardless, it's definitely the majority and a huge chunk. So if you throw out all of the healthcare costs behind accidents that could have been avoided by driving safer, heart disease that could have been avoided by diet and exercise, all of the diseases that could have been avoided by not smoking, drinking or doing drugs, all of the STDs that could have been avoided by practicing safe sex or abstinence, all of the unwanted pregnancies that could have been avoided by making better choices, all of the mental disorders that could have been avoided by living a better family life, all of the children's disorders that could have been avoided by raising your kids right, what are you really left with? Accidents that couldn't have been avoided, diseases that couldn't be prevented (mainly cancer, etc) and some other miscellaneous stuff? First of all, by eliminating even SOME of the avoidable stuff I mentioned, we are saving the healthcare system TRILLIONS. That's TRILLIONS of dollars being saved by patients, insurance companies, the healthcare industry, and the government. By using some of those trillions of dollars towards making sure EVERYONE is covered from the unavoidable stuff, we have essentially solved the healthcare crisis. Obviously this is easier said than done. But let's just say the first step actually happens. Let's say people who can't afford their own healthcare actually start living healthier...and everyone starts saving on healthcare costs like I mentioned. Then here are some things that would be possible.

1. The Medicare and Medicaid programs don't have to bleed money by paying for all of those avoidable diseases and their treatment. The money saved can be used to:
a. Provide treatment for the poor who have those unavoidable problems. I believe eventually Medicare and Medicaid should be used ONLY for this purpose.
b. Encourage and provide incentives to healthcare professionals to promote preventative care to the poor in turn saving even more money.

2. The insurance companies don't have to spend more money by paying for all the avoidable stuff which means less costs for them but more importantly, they don't have an excuse to raise premiums. Lower premiums means more people can afford to be insured means less burden on the government programs.

3. If most of the illnesses are being avoided, it means there are less people going to the doctor's offices. Doctor's offices might not like that but they can be incentivized by government and insurance companies to do more preventative care. Less people going to the doctors for stupid shit means doctors can spend more time behind someone who actually needs it and provide a better quality of care instead of relying on seeing a high volume of patients in a short amount of time. Same can be said for pharmacies. Pharmacist can then be compensated based on consultations, medication therapy management, and treatment follow-up rather than the volume of prescriptions.

This is just a short list. There are endless possibilities that can happen if we can just get those who cannot afford healthcare to stop needing it so much. But like I said, this cannot happen by some magic law that Obama passes or some policy that republicans and democrats keep arguing over. This kind of genuine change in thought and behavior can only happen if the masses of millions of people can be persuaded to do the right thing. So forget Obamacare or universal healthcare. You have no right to universal healthcare if you don't live a healthy lifestyle. And if you do live a healthy lifestyle, then chances are you probably won't need universal healthcare. And in the off chance that you do need help, it will be available because you saved the system money by living healthily. It's that simple. Or complicated. Now let me get off my high horse and end my lecture on living healthily by eating a tub of buttered popcorn at 2AM before going to sleep.

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

Dream Chaser? Kiss My Ass!

2012-06-28T11:26:00.002-07:00

Did you think this blog thingy was just a phase? Did you think I would get tired of it after a few weeks? Did you think I would run out of shit to write about? If there is anything you should know about me, it is that the list of shit that pisses me off in this world is endless! So being the excellent manager of time that I am, I figured I would shit out my first article in almost 4 weeks during a slow day at work. My first order of business? I feel like it's been a while since I typed some curse words. So let me have my male period and rid my body of toxins by getting the cursing out of my system:

fuck fuck fuck shit bitch cocksucker motherfuck asshole cuntlicker jackass shithead moron fuckface lardass whore slut douchebag jizz faggot homo fuck fuck fuck motherfucker pussy

Ok...that's better! Now onto the issue at hand. There has been way too much of this bullshit floating around nowadays that involves people "chasing their dreams" or "living life to the fullest." I believe Hollywood and Bollywood are the most to blame for this donkey jizz going around everywhere. Think about every single romantic comedy ever made. The girl is always dating a career-oriented well-educated guy who lives by the traditional norms of society. Then she meets some good-looking cool hipster who doesn't care about what society thinks and just loves to have fun and live his life to its fullest. So she ends up leaving the career-oriented dude for the dream chaser. Whenever I see this in a movie it pisses me off so much. Am I the only one that is rooting for the career-oriented dude? Watching these kinds of movie plots has poisoned the minds of young people today.

What the fuck does "living life to its fullest" mean anyways? Now don't get me wrong. I like to have fun too. But there is a difference between "work hard play hard" and "just having fun in life." I am in the "work hard play hard" camp. It really chaps my ass when I see people taking a year off between high school and college or college and grad school to "take a break" or "have fun." What the fuck do you need a break from? Was high school or college that tough that you need an entire year to rest your brain? Do you have any idea what the value of one year is? You are not only losing a year of productivity from your life but what most people don't realize is that they will start their career one year later. Do people realize the implications of that? That's one year's worth of salary. One more year of experience. One more year of practice. Hey ASSHOLE, how about instead of thinking about taking a break and having fun, you man the fuck up and get your shit together! This is exactly what I thought about when I decided which pharmacy school to go to. Even though the school I chose to go to actually started before my undergrad even ended, I chose to SACRIFICE fun things like my graduation ceremony and summer vacation because it meant I would finish pharmacy school one year earlier. Had I not done that, I would be just graduating right now instead of already having worked a year and having a year's experience under my belt. Not to mention I would've been $120,000 lighter in the wallet.

You know what else gets my panties in a bunch? I don't appreciate all of these douchebags who "love what they do for a living" and look down upon the rest of us who hate our jobs. These people make it seem like it is some sort of a crime to have a job you don't like. First of all, it is called work! If it was meant to be something you liked doing, it wouldn't be called work! Second of all, all of you assholes who love your job so much, why don't you just do it for free if you are having so much fucking fun at work? And third of all, there are many factors that determine why people choose a particular career path, and having fun at work should be towards the bottom of that list!

You know what should be at the top of that list? What your family needs! If your daddy is filthy rich you can afford to chase your dreams and go into retarded majors like music, art, film, or literature...then look down upon those of us in medicine, computer science, or business. But if your family requires your salary to pay the mortgage or buy a car, if you know your parents are going to need your help in the future, and if you know there are people depending on you...then you know what? You just have to give up your long shot dream and your fun lifestyle and just live the life of a boring pharmacist. Or a doctor. Or an accountant. Or a lawyer. Because not all of us can be writers and actors and musicians.

Remember in your high school yearbook everybody had a quote or a motto? Most people's motto was something along the lines of "live life to its fullest." Today, kids are being taught this garbage. I don't remember what my motto was. But I know what I will teach my kids: "Forget living life to it's fullest son. Your motto in life will be to SACRIFICE...because daddy wants to quit his job, work more on his blog, and chase his dream now...so you will have to support him..."

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

A Letter From Pharmacists To Dentists

2012-06-01T00:12:00.001-07:00

As the smartest, wisest, sharpest, and the the most overall greatest pharmacist on the planet, when it comes to the following issue, I would like to speak on behalf all of my brothers and sisters who share the same profession. The issue is regarding dentists and dental offices. Recently, I wrote an open letter to every single dentist and dental student in the world. Was it an imaginary letter? Yes. But that is not what is important. Here is the letter:

Dear tooth "doctors",

You are not real doctors. You went to dental school because you could not go to medical school. Can you say the same thing about us pharmacists? Absolutely. But at least we can blame that on our laziness. You guys are stupid enough to be in school and work just as hard as MDs and still not be considered real doctors. I don't mean to offend you. Many of you are very good friends of mine. But the truth hurts. You may be wondering why I am being such a dick to you. Well, just read the rest of this letter. 

I don't know which fucktard in the government decided that you guys should be allowed to prescribe medications. Probably some corrupt lawmaker who is taking money from the dental lobbyists. But if you guys are going to be prescribing antibiotics for your little dental procedures that can be performed by a nine year-old with Down syndrome, at least have the fucking decency, accountability, and professionalism to know what the fuck you are prescribing. What exactly do I mean by "know what you are prescribing"? I don't know exactly how much teaching they do in dental school about prescription antibiotics. But that is not what I mean. Any halfwit can look through the IDSA or an antibiotics treatment flow chart and pick a decent antibiotic. You may know about the drug you are prescribing but do you really UNDERSTAND the prescription? 

For example, when you prescribe clindamycin solution for a dental procedure, do you really know what you are doing? Now clindamycin may be a perfectly acceptable drug of choice in terms of pure medical science. But do you have any idea how much it fucking costs? Do you understand that your patient has no insurance and that they are not going to pay $70 for a prophylactic antibiotic especially when they just spent $300 at your fucking office? As a medical professional, you need to not only know the science, but also know the patient, and their situation. Just fucking prescribe some amoxicillin or keflex, stick a nitrous tube up your ass (and up mine), and call it a night!

Now go back to the part where I said know what you are prescribing. And this time, I literally mean know what you are prescribing. Too many times in my short miserable career have I come across prescriptions written by dentists with the wrong dosages. Whether it is a drug that is not available in that strength, or an improper dosage, I have spent way too much time and energy calling dentists offices for clarifications, especially when I have the medical expertise to change the prescription and make it appropriate, but do not have the legal ability to do so. So in case you were too hungover to attend this lecture in dental school, here are a couple of lessons that I think you guys should take note of. 

1. Naproxen does not come in 600mg

2. Ibuprofen 800mg should only be taken 3 times per day. 1-2 q4-6h is not a standard sig you can put on anything you write for. Some shit has limits. 

3. Vicodin contains 5mg of hydrocodone and 500mg of acetaminophen. Norco 5 on the other hand, contains the same amount of hydrocodone but only 325mg of acetaminophen. 

4. The official max daily dose of acetaminophen is 4g. The recommended is 3.2g. 

5. 6g is more than 4g. 

6. Max means maximum. 

7. Maximum means you cannot give more than that. 

8. Therefore, if you use logic, you can deduce that 6g of acetaminophen in one day is way too fucking much! Unless of course you are purposefully trying to cause liver damage. In that case, it is perfectly ok! As long as the patient has perfect teeth, it makes no fucking difference to you does it? 

9. The sky is blue.

Here is another question for all of you dentists. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU HIRING TO RUN YOUR OFFICES??? I cannot count how many fucking times I have called and asked to change the drug on a prescription, and the fucking bitch on the other end just goes yea that is ok, without consulting you (the dentist). As if she fucking knows the difference. The following is a list of things/animals/people whose medical opinion is worth the same as a dental assistant's:

1. A rock

2. A retarded rock

3. A monkey who was born 2 months premature and then subsequently dropped on his head 

4. My turd

5. My turd's turd

6. Sarah Palin

7. Sarah Palin's turd

8. A black or Hispanic doctor (oxymoron,if they existed) 

Wait, I take it back. The monkey's medical opinion might actually be worth more. I mean seriously. Just because this bitch took some bullshit 6 week course from ITT tech and printed out a diploma on her home printer makes her some sort of an expert on medications? But you know what? I don't have time to fuck around. So if they go ahead and change or approve shit on their own willy nilly, I just fucking take their name down and accept it. (And so does every other retail pharmacist.) That way, when shit hits the fan, we know who to blame. So my dear dentists, please exercise some control over your fucking staff, and be careful who you hire. Also, please don't try to be like real doctors and pretend you are busy when I am on hold on the phone. 

That is all. 

From your fellow pretend-doctors, 

Pharmacists!

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

PS. No hard feelings black or Hispanic people.

The Most Bogus Awards in Sports: NBA

2012-05-28T00:23:00.005-07:00

If you have been keeping up with the blog lately, you will notice lately I have been in a mood to write about awards. Recently, I was talking to a friend of mine about awards in sports. I think it was during watching footage of a massive train-wreck...or it could've been during one of the Laker playoff games...same difference. Actually I think an actual train-wreck would probably be more satisfying and less disappointing. Anyways, on the screen, there was a graphic displaying the playoff and regular season records of Lakers head coach Mike Brown, with a footnote stating he won the NBA Coach of the Year award in 2009. That got me thinking...this award is bullshit, meaningless, retarded, and most of all...BOGUS! And with that, I had my next article...the most bogus awards in sports.

Then I started thinking. What are the most bogus awards in sports? When I started listing them, I came to a realization. Guess what it was. ALL OF THE MOST BOGUS AWARDS IN SPORTS ARE NBA AWARDS! Let's break this bitch down:

NBA Coach of the Year

Fact #1: 11-time champion (The most in professional sports history), and someone who is widely recognized as one of the (if not the greatest) coaches, not only in the NBA but in sports history, Phil Jackson, has won the NBA Coach of Year award only ONE TIME in more than 20 years of coaching in the NBA!

This is a fucking travesty. I am not saying this because I am a Laker fan. I am making the same argument for his long-time rival and Spurs head coach Greg Popovich. This leads me to fact # 2.

Fact #2: From the year 1991 to 2010 (20 year span), Phil Jackson (11 rings) and Greg Popavich (4 rings) have combined for 17 finals appearances and 15 out of the 20 championships. But they have combined for only 2 Coach of the Year awards in that span. (Both have 1 each, with Popavich winning a second most recently in 2012.)

Are you fucking kidding me? Ok. here is the deal with this award. I understand it is a regular season award. So the coach that ends up winning the championship is not necessarily the coach that did the best job throughout the regular season. But are you telling me that Phil Jackson and Greg Popovich have not done a better job in the regular season than a lot of the other coaches who have won the award? More often than not, this award has become the award for "The team that was better than we expected it to be." We can't explain why they were better (probably more due to the players playing better than the coach) so we attribute it to the coach and give him Coach of the Year.

Here are some examples:

1. 1992: Don Nelson won the award with Golden State (55-27) over Phil Jackson with the Bulls (67-15) - Nelson definitely didn't have the same roster that Jackson did...but still! The dude won 67 games! And it's not like Don Nelson was coaching a bunch of scrubs. He had freaking Tim Hardaway and Chris Mullin in their primes! And a pretty good rest of the roster as well. But just because they weren't expected to be good and they were, and Phil Jackson had Jordan, Don Nelson won Coach of the Year despite Phil Jackson meeting his expectations and winning a significantly higher number of games. Bullshit!

2. 1995: Lakers coach Del Harris won despite only being 6 games over 500 (48-34). He did a very good job considering he had a limited roster and no real big names. But did he really do that much of a better job than Bob Hill of the Spurs (62-20) and Jerry Sloan of the Jazz (60-22)? I don't think so! Sure they had David Robinson and Stockton/Malone, but winning 60 games in the NBA is impossible without a good coaching job night in and night out.

3. 2000: Doc Rivers won the award despite being 41-41 and MISSING the playoffs! To his credit, he had Darrell Armstrong as his best player. But does that deserve a Coach of the Year award? Nope! Meanwhile...Phil Jackson went 67-15 (AGAIN!) and lost the Coach of the Year award (AGAIN!)

Look...I am not saying the coach with the best record should win Coach of the Year ALL THE TIME. But they should win MORE OFTEN! It's a very hard thing to have the best record in the league. Especially when you are expected to be the best and the pressure is on you to be the best and anything else would be considered a failure. And guys like Phil Jackson, Greg Popovich, and Jerry Sloan have succeeded season after season in that pressure-packed environment. So they should be rewarded for it over some coach who has up and coming players with no pressure to win (Scott Brooks 2010).

Also, just because great coaches have great players, they shouldn't be overlooked when it comes to this award. Phil had Jordan, Pippen, Shaq, and Kobe. Popovich had/has Robinson, Duncan, Parker and Ginobli. It's still DAMN HARD to BE EXPECTED to be THE BEST and then ACTUALLY BE THE BEST. No one has gotten more out of complete NUTJOBS than Phil Jackson and Greg Popovich. Guys like Dennis Rodman, Ron Artest, Robert Horry, and Stephen Jackson would be, and were NIGHTMARES under other coaches. Having them on your roster for an entire should be an achievement worthy enough for this award on its own!

NBA Most Valuable Player

Ok. This going to sound like I am a bitchy Laker fan. But it's not. Seriously. I mean...I am a bitchy Lakers fan in a general sense but not in this situation. Here is the thing about the Most Valuable Player Award. Sometimes they get it right. But too often they get it wrong. And by a HUGE margin. Here is an example:

Ask most hardcore NBA fans from a wide variety of ages to OBJECTIVELY make their all-time 15 player team. (12 active players and 3 injured reserves) Both Shaquille Oneal and Kobe Bryant would be on virtually every single person's team. Some would have them starting, most would have them on the bench, and few would have them on the IR. But they would be on the roster of almost every single person's all-time team. At the same token, Steve Nash would NOT be on most people's teams. And for the few people that would put him on there, he might make their IR or low bench at best! Laker fan or not, we all all agree that most people would have either Kobe Bryant or Shaquille Oneal in their prime over Steve Nash in his prime. Each of them is a better over-all player, better inherent talent, and has had a better career. But when it is all said and done, here is a fact for you:

FACT: Steve Nash has won two MVPs. This is the same amount of MVPs that both Shaquille Oneal and Kobe Bryant have won COMBINED!!! (1 each)

The year Steve Nash won his second MVP (2006...I think), Kobe Bryant should have been the MVP. He was by far the best player in the league, and he lead a very very very TERRIBLE Lakers team (Immature Lamar Odom, Kwame Brown, Chris Mihm, and Smush Parker were his best teammates) to the playoffs single-handedly!!! He averaged 30+ 5 and 5!!!

I don't want to keep going on and on about Kobe Bryant. Because this is not about me being a Lakers fan. But this example is part of a bigger issue. Here is heart of this entire article (I know...it took a while for me to get to it.)

The NBA Awards voters do not always vote for the most deserving player.

NBA voters get way too excited about a story. Take a look at Steve Nash's MVPs. He was a decent PG for most of his careers. A very good player. A border-line all-star. But NOT an MVP caliber player. Then all of a sudden he goes to Phoenix, doubles his assists average, and becomes the heart and best player of a new fast-paced high energy/high scoring Suns offense. What a great story...especially for a white guy! The voters become enamored with the story and they give him the MVP. Had Steve Nash done that for his entire career, he would have never won an MVP. (Because that's exactly what John Stockton did.) Look at Steve Nash's numbers in those 2 MVP seasons. Guys like John Stockton and Isiah Thomas did that pretty much their entire careers. AND they played defense! But they never had a mid-career jump like Nash and therefore no MVPs! Don't believe me?

Here are the numbers:

Steve Nash
MVP Season 1: 15.5 points/ 3.3 rebounds/ 11.5 assists/ 1 steals/ 3.3 turnovers/ 50% FG/ 43% 3pt/ 89% FT
MVP Season 2: 18.8 points/ 4.2 rebounds/ 10.5 assists/ 0.8 steals/ 3.5 turnovers/ 51% FG/ 44% 3pt/ 92% FT

John Stockton
His best Season and pretty much an average season for his career (Came in 9th in the MVP voting!): 17.2 points/ 2.6 rebounds/ 14.5 assists/ 2.7 steals/ 3.5 turnovers/ 51% FG/ 42% 3pt/ 82% FT

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? COMPARE THOSE FUCKING NUMBERS! Both players had the same type of success in terms of winning so that cancels out! Now I do understand Stockton was playing in an era where there were many more great players. But still...if he was an average PG his whole career and then all of a sudden started putting up the numbers I showed, he would have won the MVP too. But he did that shit EVERY year. Everybody was used to it. So there no STORY there. That's why he didn't MVP and Nash did!

You can say the same thing about Allen Iverson's MVP over Shaq in 2001. Shaq was the TRUE MVP pretty much every year from 1998 to 2004. But Iverson finally had a winning season in 2001 and it became a story. Shaq was his usual dominant self and there was no story there. So Iverson wins MVP.

The same thing happened the year before last with Derrick Rose. Lebron James should have won that MVP. But he was part of a NEGATIVE story in the whole Miami fiasco. And Rose was part of a GOOD story that the voters and media became enamored with. As much as I hate Lebron James, he should have won Rose's MVP. I mean just look at the numbers. And the winning. (In the regular season)

The All-NBA teams are subject to this media biased as well. In 2004-2005, Kobe Bryant averaged 35 5 and 5. Are you fucking kidding me? That was his best statistical year. And the dude was on the 3rd Team All-NBA!!! Are you trying to tell me that he was not one of the best 10 players that season??? GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT SHIT! He was part of a negative story line with the whole Shaq and ball-hog thing and therefore, he was not voted on the All-NBA team. I mean with those crazy numbers you HAVE to put a player on AT LEAST the 2nd team. Kevin Love made the second team this year with crazy numbers and even LESS wins than Kobe in 2005. But since Love was not part of a negative story line, the voters had no problem giving him the 2nd team.

The same thing with the All-Defensive team award. BEFORE the whole Shaq debacle in 2005, Kobe Bryant was named to the All-Defensive team (or 2nd team) the previous 5 years in a row. AFTER the whole Shaq debacle in 2005, Kobe Bryant has been named on there the next/last 7 All-D (or 2nd) teams including 2011-2012. But in 2005? Nothing! So are you trying to tell me that in that one year Kobe Bryant's defense was not as good as the previous 5 or the next 7 years? That's a bunch of donkey jizz! How fucking bogus is that? Just because he was part of the negative story line the voters didn't vote for him. It had nothing to with defensive ability!

There are so many more example of this! It's just that I am a Laker fan so for the most part I know about/remember the examples that involve Laker players...so I ended up writing about those. It has nothing to do with me bitching about giving awards to Laker players. If you are smart and objective, you will see that...and you will also see that I am right! It's just a shame that NBA voters become too enamored with media story lines instead of voting based on pure basketball reasons. I would love to write about other examples but this is already turning into a huge article that I think only sports nerds like me will end up reading till the end. So if you want to nerd it out about this topic discuss/argue/share some of these examples, or if you have your own, you know where to hit me up!

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

PS. I totally forgot about this until a friend pointed it out. Wrap your minds around this piece of turd: Tyson Chandler won the Defensive Player of the Year in 2012 yet failed to make the 1st All-NBA Defensive Team. (He made the 2nd team) Just think about that for a second. This is what you get when you have some awards being determined by the media and other awards being determined by coaches. But most importantly, this is what you get when you have a bogus league!

The Diabetes Awards Part 1: Comedy

2012-05-15T23:56:00.001-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen...welcome to the first ever Diabetes Awards! Without wasting any time, here is a quick explanation...

If you know me, you know I am fat...just a little...or a lot...it's all relative...I'm somewhere between Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken...Ok who am I kidding? I am a lot closer to Ruben Studdard than I am to Clay Aiken. Anyways, if you know me, you also know that I love watching TV shows...mostly on my laptop. And if you know anything about the psychology behind bad eating habits, you know that you shouldn't eat while watching TV because you associate the pleasure from TV, with the food. As a result, every time you watch something, it makes you want to have food even when you are not hungry, and when you do eat, you eat more, even when you are full. That is my problem. I might start watching a TV show like Game of Thrones on my laptop at like 10PM after dinner and because of my bad habits, I end up going downstairs and grabbing some grub because my fatass can't just enjoy the show on its own. So I would say about 75% of the blame behind my weight problem can be attributed to this psychological behavior...and therefore, eventually...when I get older...TV shows will be the single biggest reason why I will have developed diabetes and heart disease in my 30's. Hence, we have the Diabetes Awards! In part 1, we will look at the Comedy Category.

Award for the Funniest Moment of All-Time on Television

This is a very special award. There are two scenes that I immediately thought about when I considered this award. And I couldn't decide! So it's a tie!

Winner 1: Dr. Spaceman Treats Diabetes on 30 Rock - I couldn't find a clip of this on Youtube so I downloaded the episode, cut it, and tried posting it. But some bullshit about licensing and copyrights didn't let me. So I had to put the file on my public Dropbox. Download it and watch it! The Doctor's stupidity is fucking hilarious!

Winner 2: Reno 911 Cat Rescue - I was genuinely shocked and literally laughed myself to near-death when I first saw this on TV. It was fucking hilarious! HAHAHAHA

The "Fuckin' Hilarious" Award for the Funniest TV Show of All-Time:

There are a lot of funny shows out there. Most comedies, even the bad ones, have a few hilarious moments sprinkled in here and there. For example, the first season of The Office is as funny as any of the nominees for this award. 30 Rock probably has more subtle laughs sprinkled in every single sentence of its script than any other show. But both shows are not as funny now as they were in the beginning. The nominees are exactly what the name of the award suggests: fucking hilarious and fucking hilarious all or most of the time. Modern family probably belongs on this list. But it is more of a family comedy...very clean. Even though I love it and I think it is fucking hilarious, unlike the nominees for this award, watching it once would be good enough for most people. It doesn't make its fans want to watch the same episodes over and over again the way the following shows do. There were 6 nominees for this award.

6th place - Reno 911

Total Seasons: 6 (88 episodes)
Channel: Comedy Central
Still on? No
Short summary: It's about stupid cops in Reno doing stupid shit.

Most people might not know the existence of this show. (They probably know the movie.) That's probably why it eventually got canceled on Comedy Central. But it was fucking hilarious.

5th place - Party Down

Total Seasons: 2 (20 episodes)
Channel: Starz Network
Still on? No
Short summary: It's about out-of-work actors working at a catering service until they hopefully land a good acting gig and become famous.

Another hidden gem. You probably haven't heard of this show. It was on the Starz network, which most people, including myself, don't get. But you can download it. It only lasted 2 seasons, but it was funny as fuck.

4th place - Seinfeld

Total Seasons: 9 (180 episodes)
Channel: NBC
Still on? No
Short summary: It's a show about nothing! (If you know the show, you know what I'm talking about. If you don't, watch it!)

This one is definitely not underground. If you don't know about this show, you are either less than 20 years old, or have been living under a rock during the 90's. This show was hilarious. I don't know how the hell it lost all those Emmys to Frazier. That's a joke. Seinfeld was genius at work. It was more of a subtle form of comedy. It made you smirk and giggle more than it made you laugh out loud. (Although it had its LOL moments as well.) But unlike most other comedies, Seinfeld made you think! Not like "playing chess" think, but it made you think in a funny way. You became a funnier person just by watching it. And the person who co-created it, Larry David, is a fucking genius. Straight up. Like Einstein. It's amazing that he has another show on this list.

3rd place - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Total Seasons: 7 (84 episodes)
Channel: FX
Still on? Yes
Short summary: It's about a bunch of idiot-morons who own a bar in Philadelphia.

This show is the definition of ridiculous and laugh out loud funny. What's great about "the gang" is that they have no limits. They will make fun of anything and everything. Homelessness, abortion, race, sexuality, it doesn't matter. They will even throw a baby in the dumpster!

2nd place - Curb Your Enthusiasm

Total Seasons: 8 (80 episodes)
Channel: HBO
Still on? Yes...hopefully
Short summary: Larry David is a social nightmare! Sometimes he helps other people...sometimes he's selfish...but either way, you can bet he will get himself into a socially awkward situation.

This man is my fucking hero. Seriously. I plan on writing an entire article on him in the future. If I ever have the great fortune of seeing this genius in person, I am going to gush like a 12 year old girl who saw Justin Bieber. Then I am going to blow him and worship at his feet.

1st place and the winner of the "Fuckin' Hilarious" Award - Arrested Development

Total Seasons: 3 (53 episodes)

Channel: Fox
Still on? No...it's a fucking shame and travesty
Short summary: It's about an Orange County rich white family who breaks a bunch of corporate laws, becomes broke, and tries to keep up their lavish lifestyle, while the only sane family member tries to fix the family business and keep them under control.

I have seen every single episode of this entire show over and over again at least 4 times. Each time I watch it, I find some funny shit that I didn't see before. This show is not only the funniest comedy of all time, but it is one of the greatest TV shows of all-time in general. It has every element of a comedy. Genius, laugh out loud, subtle comedy, ridiculousness, potty humor, funny lines, sarcasm, background humor, etc, etc, etc. You HAVE to watch this show! I don't know what the fuck America was doing when this show was on the air. It received awesome reviews from the critics but the retarded American public was too busy watching reality TV. The fact that this show got canceled due to low ratings is a bigger tragedy than the Holocaust. It's no surprise that Arrested Development has a huge cult following even 6 years after it being off the air. And they are making a new season on Netflix and ending it with a movie! I am looking forward to this event more than I have looked forward to any event of my life, including any graduation, starting a career, my first paycheck, any vacation, moving to America, and my wedding.

The "Homer Simpson" Award for the Funniest Character of All Time:

It is self-explanatory why this award has been named after Homer Simpson. Homer Simpson is the original funny man. Even though he is animated, he was the first ridiculous moron that we all came to know and love. So let's look at the candidates for the funniest character of all time. Because there are so many candidates, I am just going to show pictures. And then I will announce the winner.

Andy Dwyer - Parks and Recreations

Gob Bluth - Arrested Development

Tracy Jordan - 30 Rock

Charlie Kelly - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Jim Dangle - Reno 911

Cosmo Kramer - Seinfeld

Frank Reynolds - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

George Costanza - Seinfeld

Dr. Spaceman - 30 Rock

Dwight Shrute - The Office

Leon Black - Curb Your Enthusiasm

Michael Scott - The Office

Peter Griffin - Family Guy


Stewie Griffin - Family Guy

And the winner of the "Homer Simpson" Award for the Funniest TV Character of All-Time is...

Tobias Funke - Arrested Development

This guy is motherfuckin' hilarious!!! David Cross should have won multiple Emmys for playing Dr. Tobias Funke on Arrested Development. Just watch these videos:

And with that, we conclude Part 1 of the Diabetes Awards! If you haven't seen these shows, watch them! It will cheer you up from your sad depressing pathetic sorry excuse for a life. If you have depression, read my other article, and then watch some of these shows...and stay tuned for Part 2!

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

The Bullshit Radar Part 2 - Mental Health

2012-05-06T22:33:00.003-07:00

In case you missed it, or you need a refresher on what exactly the Bullshit Radar is, here is part 1. Let's just jump right into it. I think the whole mental health field is a bunch of bullshit. And that, would be what you would call an understatement. Let's break this bitch down.

Here is a message for all of you out there in the world that claim you are suffering from depression, anxiety, panic attacks, ADD, ADHD, and all of the other bullshit mental disorders that are being over-diagnosed out there. (Only extreme cases of psychosis are the true mental disorders. The REAL crazy people. The straight jacket type.) We have become a society full of pussies. There. I said it. It had to be said and I just did. So deal with it. Everyone claiming to be suffering from this shit needs to man the fuck up. Nut up. Sack up. Shut up. Whatever you want to say and however you want to say it, the message is clear. All of your bullshit made-up pussy disorders are setting off my Bullshit Radar.

Depression? Really? Let's take every single person in this country who is diagnosed with clinical depression. Out of that group, let me talk directly to about 70% of you: What the fuck do you have to be depressed about? Seriously. You live in the best country on the planet. There are so many fucking resources spent in this country for the production of entertainment. There are countless TV shows, movies, theaters, clubs, strip clubs, casinos, malls, arcades, video games, playgrounds, recreation centers, camping grounds, hiking trails, whorehouses, swimming pools, beaches, fields, sports games, bars, pool halls, bowling alleys, golf courses, websites, restaurants, extreme activities, amusement parks, theme parks, ski resorts, spas, hotels, comedy clubs, and once again...strip clubs. SO CHEER UP AND MAKE USE OF THOSE THINGS! Because if you can afford to go see a doctor for some bullshit reason like depression, chances are, you can damn sure afford to have some fun! Here is another tip. Whatever is bothering you...whatever is making you depressed...don't think about it. It's pretty simple. Because chances are that whatever it is, it's probably not a real problem. It's probably some silly shit like your dad bought you a forty thousand dollar car instead of a sixty thousand dollar car. There is NOTHING depressing enough in the world that can happen that would cause you to have a so called "clinical" disorder...at least not permanently.

Now, as for the 30% of you that actually DO have something to be depressed about such as being fired, being cheated on, or having a loved one die in a horrible way...you STILL don't have a reason to be LIFELONG depressed. Here is the advice for you. Take a day. Take two. Or even a week. A month. Don't pussy out and go to the doctor with a sad face and ask for antidepressants. Take that time and drown your sorrows in whatever way suits you best. Alcohol, women, gambling, drugs, whatever. But only for that time. THEN GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE!! As for me personally, I can see myself drowning my sorrows in all of the above in one epic night by getting drunk with whores while gambling and being high on drugs...like a real man. But after that night, I would go on with my life...without antidepressants...like a real man...because your so called depression doesn't really exist. It's all in your head and all you have to do is change the way you think.

I also have a message for those of you suffering from your so called anxiety disorders. Bullshit!!! Here is an idea. Instead of wasting time on a psychologist/psychiatrist/medications, how about you just take whatever it is that is making you anxious, and don't let it make you anxious. Just don't let it bother you. It's that simple. I don't understand why people just can't let whatever it is that is bothering them, not bother them. I do it all the time. Do you really think I like being at work when the pharmacy gets CRAZY busy and chaotic? Do you see me melting down and having a panic attack and being all anxious like a pussy? I had all the reason to do that this past week when a patient passed out on me after I gave him a shot. But NO! I didn't! I was calm. Because I just tell myself that I am not going to let it bother me...like a fucking man.

The same goes for all of these kids running around on Adderall and Ritalin. They don't fucking have a disease. They are just stupid. Nowadays a kid can't just be stupid any more. He has to have some kind of diagnosis for his stupidity. ADD and ADHD are bullshit! They don't exist. At least not in the massive numbers that we diagnose them at. Your kid just needs slap on the ass and a good pep talk. Stop filling his mouth with drugs. And you know what is the main factor in why kids are stupid? I'll give you three guesses. If you don't get it in three guesses, you either are one of them or you have a set of them. That's right...stupid parents and their stupid parenting.

All this pussying out by today's society and coming with bullshit excuses for being sad and miserable has created a whole new bullshit "medical" field. It is called psychology. Most of these so called health professionals don't know shit. They are talking out of their asses just like the diamond salesmen I talked about in part 1. The only thing they are useful for is listening. Human beings just feel better when they vent. When they can talk to someone who would listen. They just need a shoulder to cry on. And guess what? You can do that shit for free with people you know. You don't need to pay a stranger a hundred bucks an hour to do that shit and then have them spit some bullshit out of their mouths.

This might have been my most offensive article. Even more offensive than when I proposed that children dieing might not be such a terrible thing. If you feel offended. I am sorry. Truly. But that doesn't make me wrong. So don't even think about being more depressed. Be angry. Anger is good. (Maybe not good but better than being sad all the time.) Take it out on me. If it would make you a more tougher human being and less of a sad sack of shit, then I will be happy to take one for the team and be your metaphorical or even literal punching bag. I would much rather have an anger problem than depression or anxiety. AND THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A "CHEMICAL IMBALANCE"!!! Even if there was a chemical imbalance, you can just do the shit I told you and get over it. So throw out your Ativan, Ritalin, Adderall, and Xanax. Actually, wait a second...don't throw it out. Just give it to me...I'll "dispose" it in the proper manner if you know what I mean...

Thanks for Reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

The Bullshit Radar: Part 1 - Cars and Diamonds

2012-05-04T11:01:00.000-07:00

Here is a summary of life: You are born. You grow up. You die. In between those things, you learn stuff and gain knowledge about the world. It's amazing how much you have still to learn about the world when you are a child. Thousands of hard drives can be filled by the sheer amount of how much more knowledge an adult knows compared to a child. There are certain things that you can only learn by experience when you grow up and do adult things. The Bullshit Radar is one of those things. (I am capitalizing the term Bullshit Radar in hopes that it becomes some kind of official concept/thing.) Let me explain.

Humans are not born with the ability to recognize bullshit. A baby's bullshit perception is nonexistent. They will believe anything. When you play 'got your nose' with them, they truly believe you are in possession of their nose in your hand. You can even have wild sex in front of a baby and they would have no idea what the hell is going on. It would be pretty much like having sex in front of a retarded monkey in a coma. Then somewhere around the age of 3-4, they start developing some sort of a primitive Bullshit Radar. At that point, they are too old to play 'got your nose' because they can smell your bullshit coming from a mile away. But their Radars are nowhere close to being fully functional. So they still fall for your bullshit lies like Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy. They even believe the Boogeyman will come and get them if they don't tuck into bed and go to sleep. Then around 9-10 years of age, the Bullshit Radar starts maturing. They can detect the Santa Clause and Tooth Fairy bullshit but they still don't have the ability to understand why mommy and daddy are fighting. They will believe you when you tell them that mommy and daddy are just playing a game to see who can shout louder. If they walk in on you banging, they will believe you when you say daddy and mommy are just wrestling. Then they grow up and become teenagers. Now their Bullshit Radar is going off all over the place. They can sense all kinds of bullshit coming from adults, including their parents, teachers, coaches, and guidance counselors.

So how does someone develop their Bullshit Radar? One word. Experience! A baby eventually realizes you cannot physically remove their nose. Bullshit detected! One year the kids catch you putting gifts under the tree or money under the blanket. Bullshit detected! A teenager finally realizes all those "shouting matches" now make sense after the parents got a divorce. Bullshit detected! With experience, you learn to detect bullshit. The Bullshit Radar becomes fully functional when you finally grow up, make a living for yourself, and go through adult experiences...And with that lengthy but necessary set up intro...I am finally proud to declare that my Bullshit Radar is fully operational!

The car and diamond businesses are two of the most obvious and well known adult experiences that will set off people's Bullshit Radars. But you cannot REALLY know how much bullshit is spewed in these industries until you experience it first hand. Having recently bought a Benz and a diamond ring, I can tell you 99% of what you hear is 100% genuine grade-A bullshit! Diamonds are priced based on clarity, color, cut, spots, etc. Give me a fucking break! Nobody knows shit. The salesman will show you on a microscope that one diamond has some spots or better clarity than another diamond. You can't tell shit! They all look the same. And let's just say that they are right. Even if there really was a difference, if you need a motherfucking microscope to find flaws in a diamond then what the hell does it matter? Nobody is going to fucking walk around with a microscope to show people how flawless their diamond is. All that matters is how they look to the naked eye...and to the naked eye, they all look the same! It's all a bunch of crap to make you spend money. I can take a fancy and shiny piece of glass, put in fancy packaging, fabricate a receipt for ten thousand dollars, and give it to 99% of the girls out there and they wouldn't know shit. Even the so-called experts can't REALLY tell the true value of a diamond without looking at how they paid for it themselves.

Worst than the diamond salesman is the car salesman. A diamond salesman lies to himself when he thinks he knows what he's talking about. But a car salesman lies to YOU. Straight up. I had a salesman tell me he was making literally $60 profit on a Range Rover at the price he was offering me and he could not negotiate even dollar further. I walked out. A week later he called me saying he had lowered the price by thousand dollars. Are you fucking kidding me? So you are telling me now you are going to lose $940 on that car? Get the fuck out of here! I ended up buying a different car somewhere else, but I guarantee you if I go back after another month the price would be lowered another two thousand dollars and they would still be making at least four thousand dollars profit on it. (Actually, just out of curiosity I looked up their price right now and guess what? LOWERED ANOTHER $700! Excuse me for a second while I turn off the alarm on my Bullshit Radar.)

There are so many other things that set off my Bullshit Radar. Some of those things I do not want to share on here because it would offend and upset some of my closest friends. Let's just say...it's complicated. What I REALLY wanted to talk about was the bullshit concept of "Mental Health." When I thought about writing this article, I figured I would start off by writing about the car and diamond examples in the introduction and then move on to mental health, which would be the meat of what the article was really about. But that's just the thing about bullshit...there is so much of it in the world! This article would have become way too long. So I had to split it into a 2-parter (or possibly more). Stay tuned for part 2, where I guarantee the majority of you will be offended/upset/angry after reading it.

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

ENGLISH GODDAMNIT!!!

2012-04-24T14:46:00.001-07:00

Remember in high school when you started every essay you wrote with a quote from a famous person? Well...here it goes...

"Any concept of one person being superior to another can lead to racism."
-Walter Lang
"As much as everyone wants to downplay racism, it exists."
-Steve Mitchell
“Hating people because of their color is wrong. And it doesn't matter which color does the hating. It's just plain wrong.”
- Muhammad Ali
"Everyone says they are not a racist...until their daughter brings home a big black dude..."
- Mukesh Patel

I don't know about you, but to me, that last guy sounds the wisest. There seems to be a dose of reality and honesty in his quote. Here is my point: While you are reading this article...or after you are done reading it, there may be many points where you may think I am a racist. At that point, I want you to pause, take a deep breath, and remember the last quote. You see my friends...racism in this country has become one of those things that we have overcompensated on. Just like with feminism, child safety, flight security, freedom of choice, environmentalism, and mental health, we have gone overboard. I understand the sensitive nature of racism in this country due to events that happened in the past. But in order to compensate, we have become way too race sensitive...and as a result, we have ignored obvious and harsh truths due to our fear of being "racist." This article is about one of those obvious and harsh truths. Fortunately for the good of society, I have the balls to say it! And with that preamble...let the "racist" cursing rant begin...

PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY NEED TO LEARN SOME FUCKING ENGLISH!!!!! Have you ever heard the saying "When in Rome do as the Romans do."? That saying was not created just so that people would explore new cultures and try new things. It also means WHEN YOU LIVE IN A PARTICULAR COUNTRY...AND YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE FREEDOMS AND BENEFITS PROVIDED BY THAT COUNTRY...HAVE SOME FUCKING RESPECT AND A SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY AND LEARN THE LANGUAGE OF THAT COUNTRY. YOU OWE AT LEAST THAT MUCH TO THAT COUNTRY AND ITS CITIZENS. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU EXPECT TO BE A FUNCTIONING CITIZEN AND MEMBER OF SOCIETY WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE NATION'S FUCKING LANGUAGE?

I think EVERYONE coming into this country regardless of race should be required to know how to speak English...at least at a very basic level. But we all know there is a certain ethnicity of people that come from a certain direction on the globe (SOUTH) that is the most guilty of this crime of ignorance. If I were to actually say it, people would call me racist. Even though we all know it is 1000% true. Fuck it...I'll say it anyways. MEXICANS NEED TO LEARN HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH! YOU ARE IN FUCKING AMERICA NOW! NOT MEXICO! Although I understand some parts of Santa Ana, Inland Empire, and the Valley have now become indistinguishable from your typical Mexican town, nevertheless, they are still in the fucking United fucking States of fucking America!!!!!

I cannot begin to count how many fucking times I answer the phone at work or greet a customer and the first words I hear are, "Habla Espanol?" NO I DON'T FUCKING HABLA ESPANOL. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I AM IN FUCKING AMERICA. SO IF YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU, GO LEARN SOME FUCKING ENGLISH! Don't get me wrong. I am not white. I am Indian. So in terms of race, I probably have a lot more in common with the Mexicans than I do with white people. I even have a great appreciation for Mexican culture. (Especially the food and booze.) Even though I spent 8 years in India without knowing about the existence of Mexico, a majority of the calories I have consumed in my life have probably come from Mexican food and its derivatives. But this is not an issue of culture or race or language superiority. It is a question of a sense of responsibility and respect for your country/society of residence. If I was in living in Mexico and some gringo redneck started talking to me in English, I would say the something to him and expect him to learn Spanish.

How the hell can someone come to this country and never fucking learn English? How the fuck do they function independently? I understand the fact that there is a growing Hispanic population and they are even starting to become the majority in some places. But English is still the unofficial official language of this country. The majority of the country still speaks English and will continue to speak it for a long time. All of the road signs are in English. Most of the functions carried out in daily life are carried out in English. Most forms that we have to fill out in this country are only available in English. With all of this...it's sad that English is not even a priority of most Hispanic immigrants in this country.

I understand that these immigrants have to worry about basic necessities like jobs and food and homes. But what is more basic than language? Don't you think they would have an easier time finding all of those things if they spoke English? Look...no one is asking these people to become Rhodes scholars. BUT AT LEAST MAKE A FUCKING EFFORT PEOPLE! Just a basic understanding of English that doesn't require them to start every conversation with the words "Habla Espanol?" would be sufficient. My family and I are also immigrants. We didn't know a lick of English when we came here. FORTUNATELY FOR ME...UNLIKE MOST HISPANICS...I GAVE A CRAP IN SCHOOL. So I learned English...probably better than most white people that were born here. As for my parents? Well...they aren't going to win a Pulitzer Prize any time soon. But you know what? They know enough English that they can interact successfully with other people without asking them if they speak Gujarati or Hindi. It's called EFFORT! C'mon Mexicans...at least make a fucking effort to learn/speak the language of the country you tried so hard coming to.

The forefathers of this country did a great job creating our government. It was probably one of the greatest creations of mankind. But unfortunately, they did not anticipate (and there is no way they could have) the language problem this country would have in the future. They should have written a law that restricted freedom of language. Anyone and everyone should be free to speak whatever language they want...as long as they know how to speak English too. I want to preserve my mother tongue. I will teach my kids the language of my homeland. I will make sure they speak it in the house. But you know what? Outside the walls of my house, if they want to be functioning members of society, they will need to learn English. Immigrants of ALL races need to realize this fact.

Even though I have this belief, being a medical professional, I am in a sticky situation. I expect my patients to speak English but if they do not, I cannot deny them my medical advice just because they don't speak the same language as me. (I should be able to deny them this but I have to follow some bullshit concept known as ethics. What a load of crap...) So since these people won't learn fucking English, me being a professional and all...I should be the bigger person and learn fucking Spanish. So after all of this ranting and raving about learning English...I admit it...I am pussying out and downloading a bootlegged copy of Rosetta Stone Spanish and learning Spanish probably as you are reading this. But you know what? Even when I DO learn Spanish...I am not going to use it. You know why? Take a guess...That's right...BECAUSE I AM IN FUCKING AMERICA GODDAMNIT!!!!!

Bros Before Hos: Why dudes prefer other dudes over girls (No homo)

2012-04-17T21:17:00.000-07:00

Before I start this article, I need everyone to understand one very important concept. It is the No Homo concept. Everyone should be familiar with this concept but in case you are not, here is the explanation. If you say something that may sound homosexual but you meant it in a completely non-sexual/heterosexual/non-homosexual way...you should say the phrase "no homo" after it. For example:

"Kobe is such a baller. I love him...no homo." If I didn't say "no homo," there is a small chance that this phrase can be interpreted to mean that I am in love with Kobe Bryant and would like take it up the ass from him...which would be inaccurate. (I think)

This concept is very innovative and useful. And because I am not an asshole who steals or takes credit for other people's ideas, I must give credit to its origin. The Boondocks. Here is another explanation of this concept straight from its origin.

Now that you are all familiar with this concept, I can move on. You will read many things in this article that may sound gay. But that is why I will be putting the words "no homo" after all of them. Just in case I miss a couple of them while editing this, here is a preemptive NO HOMO for the entire article.

This past weekend I had eight guy friends from back in my Phoenix days stay over at my place since they were in town. No homo. It was great to see some of the homies after a year. No homo. This got me thinking about something. Guys are a lot more comfortable around their guy friends than they are around girls...any girls...and in many cases...even their wives. No homo.

Why is that? Even though I hadn't seen these dudes in months, the jokes, wise cracks, and conversations picked up as if I had never left AZ. The chemistry between guys-guys flows much better than between guys-girls. No homo. It doesn't matter if they haven't seen each other in years. A dude will be more comfortable just kickin it with his homie(s) who he hasn't seen in a year than with his current female counterpart. No homo. The explanation behind this phenomenon is very simple: Sex! (The answer to all of life's questions...along with money!)

Let me explain. With the exception of family members, there is sexual tension between all men and all women. This is true no matter what the relationship, age, situation, or circumstance. There is sexual tension between teacher and student. There is sexual tension between cop and prisoner. There is sexual tension between doctor and patient. There is sexual tension between boss and employee. There is sexual tension between cashier and customer. There is sexual tension between stewardess and pilot/passenger. And most of all, there is sexual tension between "just friends." I have heard so much BULLSHIT about how a girl thinks of a guy friend who is not biologically related to her as a "brother." (Or viceversa.) You better get the fuck out here if you expect me to believe that load of donkey jizz! Along with people who believe money has nothing to do with marriage, people who believe men and women can be true friends without sexual tension belong in the first graduating class of SNUP. (School for Naive and Unrealistic People)

This kind of sexual tension is the reason behind why guys are more comfortable with other guys than they are with women. No homo. And by sexual tension I mean the fact that the guy wants to fuck the woman. Dear women of this world: Do not kid yourself. Any guy being nice to you for any kind of reason is not doing it because he simply wants to be your friend or is just a "nice" guy. He wants to put his penis into your vagina and secrete semen. He may not say it out loud or even believe it himself. But don't be naive. Subconsciously, there is a desire deep down in there to have sex with you and that is the core reason why he is your "friend" or being nice to you. Trust me on this one. And because there is none of that going on between dudes and other dudes, straight guys will always be more comfortable spending time with other straight guys than women. No homo. Even if they may prefer the company of their girl over their friends at some times, deep down, their mind will be more at ease with their buddies. No homo.

If you need more proof behind my theory, just look at gay guys. No homo. Why do you think gay guys get along so well with girls? Have you ever noticed an openly gay guy hanging with his friends? I have. No homo. You know what else I have noticed? All of those friends have vaginas! (Therefore, logic deduces that they are girls.) For them, it is the opposite. They are more comfortable hanging out with women. But gay dudes DO have sexual tension with other dudes. And that's why they can't hang out with them...Yes homo.

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing

Time "Wasted" = Time Well Spent!

2012-04-07T23:03:00.002-07:00

When I waltzed into work on Friday like I owned the freaking place they told me the schedule was changed and I wasn't supposed to start work until 2 hours later. I never got the memo. But hey! I ain't gonna complain. I hate working. It's just a good thing it was close to home. So what did I decide to do with this gift of TIME? (A gain of 2 hours and a loss of around $120) Like any normal cool hip young person...I decided to use this time to write...

For some reason, I have been thinking a lot recently about the concept of time. When I went to the LAKER (not clipper- I refuse to capitalize their name. They are a joke.) game on Wednesday , it was INSANE how quickly time goes by when you are watching the game in person as opposed to on TV. That tells you one thing. Our perception of time is dependent on so many variables, like our boredom level, our fatigue level, who we are with, what we are doing, what environment we are in, etc, etc ,etc. But none of those things define time. For example, when you are doing an activity you enjoy, whether it is playing cards, getting lap dances (or so I've heard), sports, watching movies, whatever your favorite thing may be...time goes by fast. 2 hours of doing those things may feel like 20 minutes. On the other hand, when you are sitting bored out of your ass in class at pharmacy school, 2 hours of that crap might feel like 6 hours. Does that mean the length of 2 hours changes when you are having fun as opposed to when you are bored? Of course not! 2 hours is 2 hours. But all of those variables I mentioned changes our perception of those 2 hours. What the hell does all this exactly mean? Who the hell knows? I'm no expert. But I do know one thing. And that is how to make best use of my time...

Everyone always says time is the most valuable thing in the world. Time is priceless. Time is money. Never waste time. Growing up I always heard this from adults when they thought I was "wasting" time by sitting around, watching TV, playing video games, sleeping, etc, etc etc... But the way I look at it, you should be doing all of those things precisely because time is so valuable. Time is so precious, why would you spend it by doing stuff that you don't enjoy? Time is so valuable, why not spend it doing things you enjoy? If I was a "smartass" as a child, that is what my response would have been to adults who told me not to waste time. But since I wasn't a brat kid who talked back, I am saying it now...

When it comes to the debate of how time should be spent, there are many different answers out there. But there is one definite and unquestionable fact that cannot be disputed. The greatest use of time is the time spent on the crapper...Some people feel at peace when they go to their place of worship. Whether it is sitting at mass in a church, sitting in front of sacred images at a temple, or kneeling down and praying at a mosque...many people out there say they are most happy when they are worshiping God. They say a wave of peacefulness rushes through them. I am not disputing this. I have experienced this to a certain degree as well. But to be perfectly honest with you, without any hint of sarcasm or being a smartass prick, I can honestly say that I feel the most amount of peace when I am at home taking a shit. And I know for a fact that there are many people out there who agree with me.

Don't get me wrong...there is not much peace to be felt when I am trying to drop a megaton of deuce in 10 minutes at 7 in the morning running late for work. I am talking about the dumps that you actually have time to enjoy. Like on your day off or after you come home from work, and you take your phone or a book in the john and just chill. Personally, after finishing the Hunger Games trilogy on the crapper, I have been listening to podcasts while emptying my bowels. The combination of ridding your body of feces, the releasing of all that pressure, and sitting there alone with no one to bother you makes taking a dump an extremely blissful activity. So why not spend more time in the crapper? In high school I used to wake up extra early just so I could spend more time taking a shit. Did my parents think it was abnormal? Sure. Did they have serious concerns about my health and bowel habits? Absolutely. Was I often late to school just because of the simple fact that I hated to get off the toilet and go about my day? No comment. But you know what? It was all worth it! My family kept telling me it's not such a good thing to spend so much time taking a shit. They thought it was a waste of time. I still don't understand how something that makes you so happy and peaceful can be a waste of time. I mean that is the whole point of having time...to enjoy it. If you think this is nasty or you don't agree with me...just try it first. Come back to me after you take at least a 30 minute dump and then tell me you didn't enjoy it...because you would be lying.

Enough about dumps. Let's move on to a less controversial and universally enjoyed use of time. Sleep! There is absolutely no one over the age of 12 that can disagree with me on this one. If you do...you deserve to die! Seriously! Let me start off my point by saying that I feel extremely jealous of a certain group of people. I am not talking about skinny people or filthy rich people or white people. (Even though I am jealous of all of those people.) I am talking about those people who can fall asleep at will no matter what time it is or wherever the fuck they are. I am a pretty deep sleeper once I fall asleep but unless I am in my bed and it's nighttime, I cannot fall asleep worth shit. If I am outside my house, no sleep for me. If I am trying to take a nap in the daytime, no sleep for me. If I am on a plane or in a car, no sleep for me. So to all of you who can fall asleep no matter what/where/how/when...I have two things to say to you: 1) I want your powers. 2) Fuck you I am jealous.

As a kid I never wanted to sleep. Then somewhere around middle school all that changed. I fucking value sleep so much, I would probably let a python strangle my future pregnant wife and unborn child if it meant getting a couple of hours of extra sleep. (Am I exaggerating? I guess you will just have to drop a python in my house in a few years and find out...) Sleep is great but even better is the time right after you wake up and you don't have shit to do so you go into that half-sleep/half-awake zone. That is the best use of time. I usually wake up around 8 or 9 no matter what time I go to sleep. But I don't actually get up until around 11. (On my days off of course.) Those 2-3 hours of being in that half-asleep zone is true bliss. You all know what I am talking about so don't even think about disagreeing with me on this one.

There are so many other things I can list on here that are such great uses of time, yet they would be considered a waste of time by society. It's ironic that two of the must basic human activities, shitting and sleeping, are on top of that list. The third one that belongs with them is eating. But no need to write about that one. I have already done that. And probably will again in the future. So next time someone tells you to stop wasting time when you are doing something that you enjoy, ignore them! Because the whole point of time is to enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, why live?

P.S. Never ever bother anyone that is taking a dump. The creative process is at its best when someone is shitting. They might be in there coming up with the next great invention so think twice before you knock on the bathroom door and yell at them to get out. How else do you think this awesome blog started?

Thanks for reading!
Your's truly,
The King of Nothing

MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY...MOOONNNEEEYYY!!!!!

2012-03-27T18:00:00.002-07:00

Before you start reading...please play this video, minimize the window, and listen to the audio before you continue reading. It is exactly the song I had in mind while writing this article. You will understand what this article is trying to say much better if you have the music in the background.

After my latest trip to Vegas, I have learned many things. Some of life's many mysteries can be solved using the lessons learned from the various things that happen in the streets, clubs, casinos, and hotel rooms of this great city. Perfect idea for another article. But right now my mind is consumed by the most important thing in Las Vegas (and the rest of the world!). MONEY! Money is great. Money buys education. Money buys knowledge. Money buys health. Money buys safety. Money buys security. Money buys happiness. Money buys love. Money buys peace. And most of all, MONEY BUYS MORE MONEY!!!!!

First let us tackle the myth that money does not buy love. If that was the case, countless marriage decisions would not involve money in some way or another. EVERYONE HAS "A NUMBER". For gold-digging whores that "number" might be relatively low. For hot actresses and supermodels that "number" may be higher. And for faithful housewives that "number" may be astronomically high. But nevertheless, everyone has "a number." As for me? That number is probably a billion. That is how much money it would take for me to be some fat old ugly lady's boy toy husband. (One can only dream...) So money does by love. It just may have to be A LOT of it. Even when it is not a lot, money is still is a heavy factor. If you are a married woman, think about your husband. When you first met him, however or under whatever circumstances it may have been, if he was COMPLETELY broke and/or had absolutely no prospects in life (I am talking like living on the streets with no plans of a future), and everything else about him was the same, would you currently be with him? If you are a married man, think about the same thing in reverse (unless you planned on her being a housewife) but also ask yourself if your wife would still be with you if you were a bum. If anyone is saying "yes" in any one of these scenarios, let me speak to you directly: "Don't kid yourself. Get your head out of your ass and face reality. Welcome to the real world. You should be enrolled in the SNUP." (School for Naive and Unrealistic People...I am starting it.) Some of you may say money is only one of the factors. But that may be only because most people don't have A LOT of it. If they did, and that amount started getting closer to "the number" money would matter more and more...until it was the single most important factor and eventually the only factor. Nevertheless...money buys love!

Here is another piece of crap phrase uttered by those who are what we call retards: "Money does not buy happiness." You know who says that? Two kinds of people. 1) People without money. 2) People with money who are too stupid to know what to do with it. If you use your money right, it can definitely bring happiness. I will gladly trade the problems of a happy poor person for those of a sad rich person. Give me the riches and I won't mind being sad all day lying around moping on my pile of cash. I'll even deal with all the stress from taxes, investments, and security. I will gladly try to extinguish my stress and sadness by indulging in supermodels, jet skis, Bentlys, and mansions...and an unlimited supply of Taco Bell.

But even if you are not as superficial as I am, and you find happiness and much simpler and/or spiritual things, money still helps. Imagine how much time you would have to go and find happiness at your place of worship if you didn't have to worry about nagging things in life such as a job or mortgage or tuition or loans. Imagine how much traveling and "soul searching" you can do if you were set for life. If you find happiness in your family life, money helps with that as well. So money does by happiness. If you find happiness in worldly things then this fact is obvious. And if you find happiness in other things, then money frees you up to do those things to their full potential. See how great money is? So why does it get such a bad rap? Let's talk about that next.

Here are a few reasons why money gets a bad rap. Some people think negative about money because they don't have it (or enough of it). Second, people associate money with the hard work, stroke of fortune, and stress that is involved with attaining it. It is the actual persuit of money that can be negative. Not the money itself. But it's not the money's fault that it needs to be earned. It's not the money's fault that people go crazy after it. So why blame it? Why say nonsense like it doesn't buy happiness? People don't buy happiness. Money does. So before you decide you want to come home early from work and spend time with your kids...or decide to pursue a nonsense major like "art" or "music", just remember...money is a man's best friend!

Thanks for reading!
Yours truly,
The King of Nothing