A Guide to Beating the Fears That Are Holding You Back!

2009-11-15T08:05:00-08:00

Here is an thought provoking article, I found, written by:

“Every time we choose safety, we reinforce fear.” - Cheri Huber

Fear of something bad happening in the future is one of the things that make us human.

Animals might fear an immediate danger, that is happening right now, but only we fear something that might happen, that isn’t happening now, that isn’t even showing its ugly face at the moment.

This fear, some might say, is necessary … it stops us from doing something stupid. But I’ve found most of these fears to be unnecessary, to be baseless, to be holding us back from achieving something.

I recently asked my Twitter friends: “What fear is holding you back?” Their responses included:

failure
abandonment/rejection
intimacy
success
being broke
not being good enough

I think the last one — not being good enough — is actually at the root of all the others. We fear we’ll fail because we’re not good enough. We fear we’ll lose our relationships, that we’ll be abandoned, that we’ll be rejected … because we’re not good enough. We fear intimacy for the very same reason — we might get rejected because we’re not good enough. Even the fear of success is based on the worry that we’re not good enough.

Do you have this fear? That you’re not good enough? I have, for all my life, and I still have it today.

But here’s the thing: having the fear is natural. Letting it stop you from going after your dreams is a tragedy.

I did this, for well over a decade of my adult life. I let the fear of not being good enough stop me from even trying, from even daring to dream.

It turned out that my fears were baseless. I am good enough. I’m not perfect, but who is?

When I was able to overcome this fear of not being good enough, this fear of failure and rejection, and put myself out there in the world, I succeeded. I found out that I was good enough.

And I still have this same fear — I still worry that I’m not good enough, that I’ll fail and flop on my face in front of 100,000 people … but I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. Even the most successful people — Barack Obama, Steve Jobs, Paul McCartney, J.K. Rowling, et al — they have this fear, even if they don’t show it. But they don’t let it hold them back.

How can you do this? Let’s look into it.

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.” - Sven Goran Eriksson

How to Beat Your Fears
There is no step-by-step program to beating your fears, but here’s what I’ve learned, first-hand and from others.

First, acknowledge your fear. This is a huge first step. If you do just this today, you’ve done something great. Many of us have these fears, but they are at the back of our mind, unnoticed, unacknowledged, as we try to ignore them and pretend they’re not there. But they are there. And they affect us, every day, all our lives. So acknowledge the fear.
Write it down. What’s your fear? Write it on a piece of paper. Writing it down not only acknowledges that you have it — bringing it out into the light — but it externalizes the fear. It takes the fear from the dark lurking places in the back of your mind, where it has power over you, out into the light of day, outside of you, where you have power over the fear. Take control over it by writing it down. It is now outside you. You can do something about it. I personally like to crumple it up and stomp on it, but you can do whatever you like. Post it on your fridge as a reminder of your enemy.
Feel the fear. You’ve acknowledged it, but you’re still afraid of it. You’re reluctant to even have this fear, perhaps even embarrassed about it. Well, no more. Recognize that you’re not alone, that we ALL have these fears, that we all think we might not be good enough. Yes, even the amazing Barack, the amazing Jessica Alba, the amazing Al Pacino. They have the same fears as you do. I sure do. Repeat after me: there’s nothing wrong with having this fear. Now allow yourself to feel it. Experience it fully. Bask in this fear. It isn’t as bad as you think. It’s a part of you, but it doesn’t control you. From djbarker on Twitter: “Feel the fear & do it anyway.”
Ask yourself: what’s the worst thing that can happen? Often it’s not as bad as we think. Do you fear failing in a new career? What would happen if you did? You’d get another job. You’d move on. You’d live. Do you fear being rejected by someone of the opposite sex? What would happen if you were? You’d lick your wounds, you’d find someone else who is more suited for you, you’d live. Do you fear being broke? What would happen if you were? You’d cut back on your expenses, perhaps ask family or friends to help you out for a little bit. You’d find a way to make money. You’d live.
Just do it. To repeat: feel the fear and do it anyway. To beat the fear, you have to just do it. See below for some tips on doing this, but what works for me is not thinking, just acting. Like when you want to jump off a waterfalls into the pool below: don’t think about it. Just jump! It’s an exhilarating feeling. I fear public speaking, but when I get up and just do it, I feel great. From Jade Craven on Twitter: “I fear everything. I’ve recently decided to ignore my fears and just go for it! So many opportunities have come as a result.”
Prepare yourself for battle. When you’re going to take on an adversary, you prepare yourself. You arm yourself, and have a battle plan, and train yourself. Do this in your battle against your fear: arm yourself, have a battle plan, train yourself. If you want to be a musician but you fear failure … practice, practice, practice, then come up with a plan to succeed, then get all the skills and info you need to implement the plan, then practice some more. Then go out and implement the plan!
Be in the moment. Fear of failure (and other similar fears) are fears of the future. We get caught up in worrying about what might happen. Instead, banish all thoughts of the future. Banish even thoughts of past mistakes and failures. Now focus on right now. Do something right now to beat your fears, to pursue your dreams, and forget about what might happen. Just do it, now, in the moment. When you find yourself thinking about the past or future, bring yourself back in the moment and focus on what you’re doing right at this moment.
Small steps. Conquering fear and pursuing a life goal can be overwhelming, intimidating. So start small. Just take one little baby step. Something you know you can do. Something you’re sure to succeed at. Then feel good about that (see below) and take another small baby step. Keep doing this, and soon you’ll have conquered a mountain.
Celebrate every success! Every single thing you do right, celebrate! Even the smallest little thing. And use this feeling of success, of victory, to propel yourself forward and take the next step. Bill Gates describes a “spiral of success” that he used to build Microsoft up from its early success of MS-DOS, to its success with Windows and Word and Excel and Internet Explorer and all that (I know, blech, but still). Use this idea of a spiral of success in your life — build upon each success, use it as a stepping stone to the next victory.

“To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.” - Bertrand Russell

This guest post was written by: Leo Babauta, the creator of: Zen Habits.net (Blog).

Are You Full of Yourself?

2009-11-14T08:29:51-08:00

On April 22nd, 2009, I found this interesting and thought provoking article posted on: The Naked Soul (Blog).

"There was a time in my life where people said that I was rather full of myself and that I was arrogant to a degree. I am certain that the intent of this statement was not a compliment, however, at the time; because I was operating from such a high state of ego I would easily spin this statement to support my attitude and behavior. Thinking from ego I would see this as a statement of how sure of myself I was, how confident and maybe how ambitious I was. As far as I was concerned I was okay with someone telling me that I was full of myself and arrogant; these statements were food for my ego, these words supported my ego. My ego was so much in the forefront of my thinking that I was unable to see that my ego was in my way and actually causing harm to myself and others. Yes I was very full of myself and damn proud of it!

Interesting how I can now look back and see myself for what I was and also understand the negative impact that this ego driven life had on myself, the people I supposedly loved and all whom I touched. Of course back then I could not see any of this because I was “full of myself” and when one is full of themselves there is no room left to learn as illustrated in the below story.

There was once a man who saw himself as a seeker, a student of Zen if you will. The man kept going from Zen Master to Zen Master looking for a teacher of Zen whom could teach him the secrets of the Universe. One day he gained an appointment with a very renowned master. The Zen Master and this man sat down to discuss Zen and share a drink of tea. As the seeker sat before the great Zen Master, he quickly and in great detail explained to the Zen Master about all of the other teachers he had worked with and how much he knew about Zen in an effort to impress this Zen Master he sat across from. As the man spoke, the Zen Master began to pour tea into his guest’s cup, the man could not help notice that the tea cup was full and now overflowing, however the man hesitated to tell the Master that the cup was overflowing as to not embarrass him. When the man could take it no more, he blurted out to the Master, the cup is full, no more tea will fit! The Zen Master then stopped pouring and looked at the man and said, “Like this cup you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?” The man then bowed in humility to the Master.

Note: there are many variations of this story, this is one interpretation.

The lesson here is relatively clear; we must be an open vessel in order to receive. In the realm of wisdom we cannot receive or uncover intuitive wisdom if we are full of other “stuff”.

I ask you today to view yourself as a vessel and ask are you full of yourself to the point where there is no room left or are you an empty vessel which is ready to receive?

One may ask how do I make room for more. How do I become an empty vessel? The key is in understanding the contents of your vessel and discerning what is of value and therefore open to receive more and what is not of value and is blocking the way of receiving.

Consider the following two analogies.

- You have an empty vase which every day you place some pebbles into it, at some point the vase will become full and will be unable to accept anymore pebbles.-

- You have an empty vase which every day you place some water into the vase, water by its nature evaporates, that is it returns to its source and therefore is continually creating more space within the vase in order to receive more.

When we are operating from spirit we are operating from source and the space within our vessel is infinitely open to receiving more fore like the water we create a natural system of replenishment and growth. When we are operating from ego, the ego fills our vessel with obstructions which do not allow for us to receive. We become limited in our ability to receive and to give and ultimately become frustrated with our inability to receive and grow.

Ideas: For a Successful, Less Complicated Life!

A Guide to Beating the Fears That Are Holding You Back!

Are You Full of Yourself?