A Brain Like Mine: Diary of a Feminist Housewife

This Blog Has Morphed & Moved!

2010-08-26T16:13:00.000-05:00

Head over to the new website, with blogs! Some things will be familiar, some all new. See you there!

Retirement

2010-07-03T16:57:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to feel my way back here, and just am not feeling it.

So much is happening in the real world, so much personal growth, and work is beginning to pick up. I want to keep blogging, but not on this blog. That's the realization. It just feels like a time capsule to me. Pre-lost baby, post-lost baby. Everything changed after her. So this is it. The official retirement of this blog. It seems crazy to me, having blogged since '04. So many links, so many friends made even. But I need a new outlet for the new me.

It is almost the midway point in school. I have begun to see clients for Health Coaching, which is going really, really well. The first newsletter has gone out and been well received, the second one is in the almost ready. I'm trying to get my summer class schedule organized so it can go into the July issue.

Una is going to go to high school, which is huge, and for which we are both feeling very ready. It will be good.

I've also just enrolled at Permaculture Visions International, an online course out of Australia that is using the Mollison curriculum. So far so good. Can't wait to hit the books.

The Art Basel Naples idea has morphed into a Potluck Poetry Slam that will happen during Art Basel Miami in December. The Bring Your Own Wine Festival is still in the works for February. Planning for NaNoWriMo in November. Building my business. In school. Family. It's enough.

Too busy. Ultimately that's the reality.

I will leave this up until I have the time to properly handle it's archival process. And I will put up links to anything new I'm up to.

Thank you so much to all of you, my readers. I have known many of you, in a way, just by checking analytics and seeing you still there, still checking in. It has been heartening over the years, even if you've never said anything. And thank you to those of you who've commented. I am especially grateful for the online friendships that have resulted from this blog and will last far beyond it's influence. May you all find the good you seek.

Thank you also all of you who have linked to this blog. I learned so much during the process of writing, coding and linking to others. Reading your thoughts has enriched me and made me a better person. May you find great success.

Thank you even to my trolls. I have learned from you as well, and hold no grudges. We all have to work with what we're given. I wish you happiness. Truly.

Okay. Sniff. I guess that's it. Goodbye Blogger, Diary of a Feminist Housewife, and all of you fair folk. Blessings. <3

(Actually crying.)

Clustering

2010-06-05T18:28:00.000-05:00

It seems like my bravery knows no bounds. I'm popping the question in the grocery store, at the library, at the optometrist. And now I'm asking you. Wanna be on my mailing list? There's a FREE Newsletter involved! Mmm, juicy.

For Email Marketing you can trust

My first button attempt. The HTML editor in Blogger is being a bit squirrely, jumping around in "compose" mode, adding hard returns... But it works! I think. Try it! I will send you cool things.

My first newsletter is coming together nicely. I'm aiming for June. Send me "you can do it!" vibes for June. June, June, June!

This is the time of year for planning the next school year among homeschoolers, so the new school schedule and focus are being discussed, the "Mommy will be working some of the time" idea is being integrated, and we're going to use the summer to get used to some good new habits and re-visit good old habits.

In concept, all of it is desirable. The question is always of balance, and I think making sure we're all in synch is the key. My unschooler's heart is bucking at the idea of times for things, but I can't be all I need to be for five people (including myself) if I have to repeat meetings, meals and clean-ups. No, no, no.

The new sheriff in town says no. And this new sheriff is like a twin self. Not quite me yet, but lurking around, poking me to speak up when I have to. Prompting me to get moving, eat greens, go to bed. This is the me with the great boundaries who has been stifled under a "good girl" facade. "Good girl" doesn't really work as a mommy identity. Or as a wife, ultimately. What works is pleasant but firm care for children, and pleasant but firm care of self as a wife.

I also can't just plow through life. I have to stop and breathe sometimes. So I am. Literally stopping and breathing. It is very good.

We are hitting the road this summer, camping along the way. I can't wait to see my mom, there's a huge family reunion out West, and we can be in the mountains a bit. It's going to rock. There is so much to do before we go.

I like the concept of a clean slate. To wit, I'm purging the house. After so many baby years, running our business from home, hurricanes, moving NYC down and Mom dropping so much of her house here, mourning, and the economic downturn causing scramble everywhere, the house is just boogley. Full of stuff I don't even relate to anymore. If I was going shopping, I wouldn't buy it again. That kind of stuff. It has to go. Preferably before we road trip this summer. I want to come back to simplicity itself. Ahh. I love just thinking about it!

To review: June newsletter. No is a perfectly nice word. Organizational clarity is good. Breathing deeply is gorgeous. Letting go is peace itself. Sign up for my mailing list. Yay!

Art Attack

2010-05-27T20:01:00.000-05:00

My talented and wonderful friend Bree and I have been meeting for brainstorming and creating sessions for our Art Group. This has been a truly magical thing. We have been thinking arts thoughts, writing poetry, writing and planning a performance, doing improv together (that upsets the dog) and visiting museums.

MoMA in NYC is showing the Abramovic retrospective and live performance, which is mind blowing, traumatic and very beautiful. I conquered the whole museum last Friday, and after the Abramovic I seriously needed the Monets, but he's on tour. Good for Monet, waa for me. I swam in the Rothkos instead and reveled in his color layers. Exhaled to some Donald Judd, and loved seeing Lee Krasner right after Pollock and right next to DeKooning. My paintings, when you grow up at the museum they do become yours, look wonderful in their new homes. I was previously upset about losing the Rothko room, though maybe that was at the Tate? Anyway, I'm happy now. It feels like home.

As a side note, I'm really pretty done with the MoMA Store, even with the little Muji alcove. Meh. I had much more fun at Yoyamart! Their site is temporarily closed, but if you're in the city seeing art and walking the High Line, you can stop by! And you can keep tabs on them at Facebook.

Okay, moving right along. We've been very good art women. And we've been momming and wife-ing the whole time. With skillz. Yeah.

That brings me to the moment of truth. I decided, after much angst and a big, loving talk from a dear family art friend in NYC, to not only work on my book from NaNoWriMo of '09, but to illustrate said book. This idea got a glowing look of enthusiasm, and has been on my mind all year with one illustration done so far. Illustration is very now, with an entire room of Picasso illustrations just off Abramovic's performance in the atrium. So that's a brave new thing.

Can you see how I'm still stalling? Fine. Here it is. The latest poem. I submitted it to Mothering Magazine, we'll see. For now, I consider it published having shared it with you.

I saw a wisp of your hair
Across your forehead
And little pigtails
All in a cloud.
I wanted to draw you.
I still might.

I was coming home
When you came to me
To say hello
And wink your sweet eye
Into my stillness and wonder.

You are with me.
You are away.
You know my soul
Which is a clean knowing
From one so young.
It catches me playfully sometimes,
This knowing,
Seeing myself through your eyes.

I admit, I cried.
I cried so much because
I felt you gone
And the longing for you
Made me barely breathe
Except to moan
My throat aching with injustice.

But you never gave up on me.
You were with me in my tears
Waiting patiently for me to
Clear my eyes of them
So I could see.

And now I see you everywhere
My little Buddha
My wise and wonderful child
So much smaller than myself
And so much bigger than the world.

2010-04-20T20:08:00.000-05:00

We're gearing up for Earth Day weekend at Koreshan again. Amazing to see our last trip there was one of my last posts for so long. This photo of Baird in a mango tree was sent to me by some kind vendors last year. It's so very Baird.

Cooking classes have been going very well. The first and second Simply Vegetables classes, Easy Spring, and the Indian Tour with Cooking were all big hits, with lots of good feedback. I've lined up three new classes for May.

I've done nine of the Health Histories required by school. I'm learning so much, and really enjoy watching people make their own discoveries in our talks. I'm doing my tenth module this week, and the first test. I'll be able to start taking Health Coaching clients on June 7th, so gearing up is great! We get business cards and brochures in May, I'm working on the website the school gave me, and the Facebook fan page is coming along nicely!

My biggest challenge is keeping balance, same as it is for most people. This whole homeschooling three kids, starting a business while in school and supportive husband too busy as well thing is a challenge. I know I can't duplicate myself, I know I can't bag the whole sleep thing (!), but in fact I also know we all get the same 24 hours. So my real challenge is how to best support myself in those 24 hours, by organizing, prioritizing and being selective, and taking good care of my health along with that of my family. There is an answer that is probably pretty simple. Because successful health coaches are coming back to the school and telling me they're doing it. What one can do, another can do. So I keep a steady pace, and am learning to make a habit of stopping when it's too much.

In the wise words of Dr. Seuss, "Today is gone. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one." The early bedtime plan will make me more effective in everything I do. It will lead to enough rest, which will make me a better mommy, wife, health coach, writer and friend. And that's that. To that end, I leave you. Tomorrow I teach art in the park, there are kid playdates, we need bunny food, and to clean the van. If I can also put the new classes up Facebook and into an email, all the better.

Mwaaaa!

See, I Didn't Even Name It!

2010-03-31T15:01:00.001-05:00

My time crunch has made me a typo queen. Out of character, but there it is, so maybe it's a new element of my persona. Typos that get left there versus not blogging because I don't have time to make it perfect because typos usually drive me insane. The "good enough" test is passed with flying colors. I'll get back to my former rigor once I'm back in the groove of regular posts.

All I can write right now is what I'm up to. Grander thoughts and photos will have to wait, though I am very eager to get back to talking politics (hmm, the Tea Party's a little embarassing) and feminism (this men's recession is a bitch, but shake-ups are not always bad) and dinner (I'm thinking of gearing up quail operations but need to hawk-proof the run). So bear with me.

In the meantime, talk amongst yourselves. Here's a subject: MY FANPAGE!!!! Okay, no. Really. How about this? A fave song from a few years ago, stuck in my head today. Sure, the video is a snarky romp through religious history (maybe not really the best Passover/Lenten viewing), but my school plays never had this kind of production value. And the Shins are yummy. So I'm listening again anyway.

Up, Up, and Away!

2010-03-30T11:36:00.000-05:00

So far I've taught one cooking class, and have three more lined up. They're really fun, and people are excited (almost as excited as I am!). I'm doing Easy Spring, Simply Vegetables and a tour of one of our local Asian markets with Indian cooking afterward. Find out more at the brand new fanpage a friend started for me (thanks, Beth!), where you can also sign up if you're in Naples on those dates!

I've been making good progress on the school Health Histories. They say the more I do, the more successful I'll be when I graduate, plus they require a certain number. So far I've done six, and have several more lined up. If you're interested in the free consultation, sign up at my school website. I'll contact you and set up an appointment either in person for locals, or on the phone for everyone else. I can't take clients until June 7th, but the practice with Health Histories really helps!

The yoga is on hold, the arts group is still in the works, and I'm still trying to get logistical basics covered for the Studio. It's kind of a big deal, by my support system is so very awesome I'm moving forward each day with their help. Love!

Now to just get back in the habit of thinking blog thoughts. Life is so zippy!

Blog Life, Life Blog

2010-03-02T08:48:00.004-05:00

It has been an eternity. Everything is changing so very fast. Thank you so much for the continued encouragement, for checking in, for linking to me, hitting old posts and commenting in the meantime. You all rock, and I love you for it.

This lag in the blog, and all of the IRL bounty that accompanied the lag were due to several factors. Brace yourself for the first one, in case you don't already know.

We lost dear Anci two years ago, our daughter of second trimester, as many of you are aware. Her gift to our life has been continual and inspiring in ways I never could have imagined. This is true of each of our children, of course, but since she is not physically here, her contributions are perhaps less obvious to others. Mostly she has opened my eyes to love, community, boundaries. Life for me is very much divided into Before Anci and After Anci. No question. That must be very clearly understood. She has caused me to say yes and trust, to say no (even when it hurts), to listen to others, to smile when I didn't feel like it so that smiles began to come more and more often for real. Anci (Ahn-shee)has also helped us find clarity and continues to do so.

The economy continues to be an inspiration to us and to everyone we know. There has never been a better time for making lemonade. But you don't need me to tell you that.

Also, homeschooling three kids of such different ages means we are hard pressed to get everyone to several age appropriate get-togethers each week. The soon-to-arrive google phone should help with mobile blogging and vlogging. Life has just become so fast!

News is plentiful, and I'll be checking in here more often to post, update and spread the love. If you have linked to me recently (oh, just don't ask me to define "recently"...), bear with me. I'm going to be catching up slowly. Blog admin updates will be happening! ♥

On to the new stuff.

I'm in school at Institute for Integrative Nutrition, studying to be a Certified Health Councelor. (That's my basic site, I'll be adding to it.) Just started in Feb. It's a huge amount of work, this school thing! In the pipeline are several related projects. I'll be teaching healthy cooking classes (starting tentatively on the 19th), live and online, and will be posting any youtubes or vimeos here as well as around the web.

The internet Show spun from this will feature myself and others travelling around and making local discoveries seeking superfoods, wild foraging, slow food and permaculture set ups, altie chefs, indie althletes, self-sustaining farms, traditional preparation methods for storage and bioavailability, conversations, health guru interviews, long walks, longevity thinkers and scientists, fitness folk, meditation, yoga and the like, spas, co-ops, etc. I like the idea of shared input, a la Current and their Viewer Created Content. Platform to follow, I'll let you know where it ends up living. I intend to get the first class and interview committed to video this month, and up before the month is out. Even if they're tiny! Starting by starting is my game plan.

For Lent I have given up gluten and dairy, after being up all night after one, singular Shrove Tuesday pancake. Very educational. Now I can breathe, I can think, and I really like it. Pine bark extract and 5K IUs of vitamin D are also rocking my world. Do some research. Wowwy results, kids.

I'm also a year into a fairly complex (for me...) investing course. Finally beginning to put the pieces together and speak the language. Greeks, Fibbonacci, Earnings, oh my! When I start boldly moving forward and committing to real time action I'll post it somewhere. Right now, I am The Backtester (visualize the leather boots, black cape waving in the wind). I'm all about making investing sexy. More to come.

A friend and I are starting an Arts Group, with some fun plans for the future including our own Art Basil Naples @ Three Palms (that's my house) in December. It will include paintings, photography, sculpture, craft, performance, music, readings, screenings and live graffitti. This will be curated by me and the Arts Group. Some of the installation will remain through February, when we hold the First Annual (Bring Your Own) Wine Festival in February to benefit a charity to be determined. We'll document the whole process and have a catalog for sale at the end, and multiple video documentary snippets as we go. Watch this spot.

National Novel Writing Month and What Would Google Do have inspired me to start a serial blog of the novel/interlinked short stories I came up with during the month. Quite possibly with illustrations. Address to be announced. First brainstorm is Wednesday, more info to follow. First post possibly as soon as March, more likely beginning of April.

Yoga classes for mommy and baby as well as basic will begin the 15th (I think) at Salle di Napoli. All this in addition to continuing homeschool fine art classes for the tweens and teens, getting D&D started for the same group, trying to actually hit the books with the kids sometimes (unschooling seems to work beautifully, thank goodness!) and get them to field trips, maintaining the livestock, running the house, eat home made food, etc.

Big news all of it, plus we have converted our rental unit into my studio!!!! Put that in your hat, Virginia Woolf. That's where the cooking and health classes will be held, also semi-private yoga, counceling, and other offerings from other teachers (hint, hint). Call me.

I really don't know what to name this whole enchilada. The show, the health business, any of the pieces. One thing my school councelor said to look for is what others reflect back to me about myself. Often those who know us see us more clearly than we see ourselves, she said. This seems like wisdom. I continue to open my eyes and stay receptive as a practice.

Much love to you all!

New Site & Recipe

2009-05-25T09:37:00.003-05:00

I posted this on my brand new google site, Miranda's Menus. There are other ideas there, but not many recipes yet. My goal is to be able to put together full plans for weeks, but I'm still working on tech, time being the main wrench in the works for now. It will happen. In the meantime, here is the cross-post. Hope you enjoy!

Summer Fish Soup & Biscuits, a chef's walk-through

In the soup pot I sauteed some lardons cut from jowl bacon. Maybe a tablespoon or two. In these and their fat I sauteed an onion, threw in some small, quartered carrot slices, and some finely chopped celery, in mirepoix ratio, more or less. I added each as they were chopped. Two Cuban oregano leaves, chopped. Some chopped parsley. A bay leaf. A chopped clove of garlic (just one). About a 1/2 cup or more of white wine, I think it was some old Chardonnay a friend brought.

This all simmered and reduced a bit, delglazing the bacon and onion mayhem from the bottom of the pot. I added half the usual chowder potatoes, so about three, cut in about 1" pieces, and a quart of water. You could use stock here, but I didn't find it needed with the bacon, wine and veggies doing the trick nicely. Next time I'd add some pepper here, maybe white. (Green peppercorns would be really fun...)

Let all this simmer until the potatoes are tender, but not falling apart.

Add your fish. I used flounder. Only about 5 or six small fillets. Add more water as needed. Allow the fish to cook through and the flavors to merge. Break the fillets before serving. Correct the salt and pepper to taste. Less is more, I found.

We had it with freshly cut corn, fresh parsley, a sprinkle of grated Parmigiano, and biscuits made with white whole wheat flour (King Arthur) and cream.

It was light and satisfying. Totally one for the rotation. I think next time I may double it so we have enough for lunch the next day, though doubling is no guarantee there will be any left!

Definitions

2009-04-24T07:12:00.010-05:00

Wednesday at the park, C had her preposterously cute "some kind of bulldog" foster puppy with her. Only a few weeks old. It has a speckled nose and is such a sweet package I just want to smoosh him and call him George.

"What kind of puppy is that, Durga?" asked M.

"Actually, it's a hamster."

The pic is a bit blurry because the puppy should really be called Wiggles.

The photo doesn't do him justice.
He'll go back to the Humane Society and be right out again to his new home. There's a waiting list for adorable puppies! He'll be an amazing dog for being fostered from so little by people.

He is squishy. Mmm.

We're off camping this weekend. It's a huge group of us at a big Earth Day event. There are some permaculture and other plant people there I can't wait to see again. Stella gets to come, too, and we're sharing a site with B and B, which is always great.

Regarding B and B, she's in theatre and grew up here, and he's a leonine adventurer. Last year he took the kids on a spooky walk through the bamboo forest at night. Baird was big-eyed in smiling terror. He can't wait for this year.

They know tons of people, which makes their campfire hopping. Totally fun. And they're some of my favorite people, so everything else is just a bonus.

Speaking of fire, there must be one in the Everglades right now. Since yesterday there has been a smokey smell, and a thin veil of smoke sometimes, depending on the wind. Today it smells wetter. Could be they're getting it under control.

It's so dry here this time of year. The canals are very low. There was an egret fishing at the beach the other day. It made me wonder if what's left of the waterways were a bit tapped from lack of rain and over-fishing by all the birds. The swamps are dry, with only gator wallows left. And everything is super flamable. We'll likely be burning only charcoal at camping. But the temperature is perfect, so it will be a lovely trip, with nary a mosquito.

I'll limit myself to only one plant purchase, and remember the drums for the biggest drum circle in SW Florida. It's one of the best I've seen, honestly second only to ones I attended the summer I spent at Omega in the late 80s when Baba Olatunji was teaching, and a few Afro-Cuban jazz things in NYC that were full of professionals. That's saying something, because there's nothing sadder than a lame drum circle. And this one rocks. Great attitude on top.

It's a "no politics for Miranda" weekend, by the way. Kinda has to be. (Can I be a strongly anti-dark green, bright green libertarian?) Find me at the Roots & Shoots craft booth. Groove on!

In sum, we have a hamster puppy, a dry swamp, and an eco-political mashup. I'm content.

Greens, Tweets

2009-04-15T08:56:00.004-05:00

I suspected the jatropha family of being more than just a pretty, drought-resistant addition to the garden. I know in some places they're trying to make it work as a green fuel, but usually it's competing for space with food crops.

Enter...the spinach tree. It's commonly called chaya in Mexico, where it's used as a green vegetable and to wrap tamales, according to ECHO farms. Mine is a bit leggy, so I think I'll let it finish flowering this round, and then chop in half before the rains come in earnest.

I also just found out green nasturtium seeds make better capers than proper capers do. This according to Stocking Up III, by Carol Hupping, and also Preserving Food Without Freezing or Canning by the Terre Vivante gang (who's old family recipes are more charming than their politics--stick to the book).

The other great book I'm diving back into is Wild Man Steve Brill's Identifying & Harvesting Edible & Medicinal Plants in Wild (and Not So Wild) Places. There's quite a bit of local cross-over, which I didn't expect in our Caribbean haven.

H called me today for several reasons, and ended up telling me I was out of touch and had to watch t.v., specifically some news.

Fine.

I toggled between Fox, who were all about Tea Parties, and CNN, who weren't. I suppose I'm better informed now. Opinion to follow, but I can't say when. Kind of a wild day to just drop in on the msm news.

Twitter was a bit wild today as well. I guess I started following some new folks, and some followed me back, and then their people did as well, and it was a bit of madness for the old inbox. Maybe it still is. India appears to be in the house at the moment.

And I should be asleep.

But baby took a too-late nap and is still awake. 2:20, and I can hear her talking to her sleeping daddy, counting something.

I don't think mere stretching is enough of a workout for me. Mostly because I'm pretty flexible, and because I appear to still be awake at this unreasonable hour. Back to Core tomorrow. That should improve the sleep schedule. I've done a week! Woohoo!

Off to be put to sleep by half a page of Guns, Germs & Steel (really fascinating, but not exactly a page turner). I'll have to make time for progress at some point, it's such a big book. Bonne nuit!

Continuum

2009-04-12T14:08:00.000-05:00

Happy Easter! Holy Week is hard, and after Lent, it's like a one two punch of contemplation and dark before the dawn. Then there's Easter. Hallelujah indeed.

To celebrate resurrection, spring and new life, I'm awakening my sourdough starter. It's the first starter I made, when Kali was a baby in NYC. I fed it all the way down here, and have used it for years. People who claim starter must be eternally used and/or fed do not know starter well. We have often left ours dormant for a year or more at a time.

I opened it after church today, and smelled. Lovely. The dark liquor on the top looked almost black, and deep, and swirly. I poured it off into my bread bowl, and dug a spoon into the starter itself. It was the color of rich, fresh flour, but better. More honey colored. It smelled like the best apple cider you've ever come across. Delicious. I just want to go breathe it some more.

Into this I stirred a cup each of whole wheat flour (red) and filtered water. I feed starter with what ever I have on hand. White, white whole wheat, red whole wheat or rye. They all work beautifully. I started it with rye originally. It's beginning to bubble. That's a piece of heaven, truly. I wish I could blog the good, clean, sweet smell of it.

I love the metaphor, the peering into the fridge to look for the starter. It wasn't where I remembered it being. I wondered if it was viable, but even the black liquor smelled good, and underneath it was quite alive. Maybe I'll make it a Spring tradition. I like the idea that it was more of a dormant state between active life and new life.

This is all really a digression, though. What has me really excited is an idea that occurred to me as I stirred the fed starter.

Florida houses are by definition moldy houses. I don't care how much you spend, there's so much mold in the outside air, it gets in, and everyone's got at least a little. We battle it, we hold it at bay, and sometimes it wins. Hence the tear-down house phenomenon.

There really can't be any happily old architecture in Southern Florida. At the very least the interior contents have to be replaced fairly frequently, and even gut renovations are often required. Nasty chemicals are involved, and there's no option. The mold is quite toxic.

But what if, like populating the intestines with beneficial flora to keep unfriendly yeast and bacteria, we could populate the house with beneficial, or at least neutral yeasts, molds and mycological life?

It makes sense. Here's another example.

In Florida, you can make it so you have no medium sized creatures in your yard (possums, racoons, skunks, for instance,), and no reptile hideouts, but then you may suffer an abundance of palm rats (which to my NYC eyes are like pretty little squirrels without the fluffy tails, but rats nevertheless), which then require another heroic solution.

But if you make something of an undisturbed habitat, then likely a possum will move in and eat the rats (better a possum than the other two options!). And king snakes move into the hedges and tree banks and eat both rats and other more aggressive snakes.

This happy little system works at our house. No furry beasts steal my fruit or veggies. The dog and cats keep them out of the house. Everyone's happy. At night sometimes we hear the possum, possuming around in the leaf litter (which I also don't rake, but relocate as mulch around the yard). It's actually rather pleasant. An occasional basking snake on a hedge top, or zipping through the yard is kind of cool.

So why not? Why not innoculate the house with some happy blend of colonizing fungi and flora, and do what it takes to keep it happy? Then only an unhappy house would get dangerous mold and nasty mildew. What about that?

Any mycologists and bacteriologists want to chime in here? Any air conditioning radicals? Is it possible that some combination of the wild yeasts in sourdough starter, the flora in lactofermented foods, and a shiitake log could pleasantly populate the house and keep the nasties at bay? I'm only slightly joking about those specific examples. You get the point.

Isn't it an exciting idea? With regular folk eating Activia (no pun intended), there could be a great market for this if not only did it prevent nasty mold, but was even beneficial. Imagine the shipping and sick building contracts! It would give air conditioning and purification whole new meaning!

I can't be the first person to think of this.

The kids are jacked up on Easter candy superaction, Tim is napping on the couch, and we have a p90x yoga date later today. A walk on the beach, then crab legs and filet mignon for dinner. Insert contented sigh.

Several Things

2009-04-08T09:18:00.007-05:00

1. Last night I started the Naples Permaculture and Edible Forest Garden Meetup. People are joining, including a teacher of such, and I'm so outrageously excited I can hardly stand it. Our first meetup isn't until May, and now I'm wanting it to be sooner. Patience, Grasshopper, eh?

2. Kali's show was great. The content of the play is a bit dated conceptually (How To Eat Like A Child), even with update for details, but the kids rocked it, and Kali's voice was a delight. Not just because I'm her mom, either. She really nailed it. She was mostly Arlene, but played several other characters as well. "I Feel Sick" was her main piece, with solos.

3. I finally had a moment of gnosis on the guitar. It was the guitar, piano, guitar lightbulb. Did scales naturally, got the strings/frets/notes thing without much muddling, and found meaning in a 1, 3, 5, 7 C chord on the guitar for the first time. Got it. Got it, got it. And it rocked. And I have the beginning of callouses. Fierce.

4. My orchids are blooming, which I love.

5. The biggest, baddest most kick-ass thing? Tim and I got up this morning and did our first p90x workout. Chest and back. And we took photos. We don't need to lose weight, but both are looking for more strength, endurance and flexibility while gaining the others. We did a modified version of it, for injuries and to avoid them. So we did about a 1/4 to 1/2 version, modified all the movements, used the Total Gym for the pull ups and inclined pushups. It still rocked.

My voice is resonant, like after yoga, and I have a little burn. We made a whey protein isolate, water, cocoa, brown sugar, green tea extract shake for after. I am a monstahhh! Jah!

My Old Flame

2009-03-31T07:41:00.013-05:00

Yesterday I drank coffee for the first time in weeks. Months. I don't know how long. It feels like forever. Like time drags without it.

Of course it's not really fair to judge the non-coffee period so harshly, as I was under the weather for so much of it. I don't care about fair though. I care about getting my brain back.

The little water feature in the garden is clean, scrubbed, reorganized. That took some doing. It was a slimy mess.

The kitchen maintained its organized state and kids did dishes (hurray!). I made a mock up of a beautiful little idea I've had bouncing around in my head. It needs work, but here's my first take. I even played guitar with Baird for a few minutes.

More coffee is brewing now, which means I can confidently say I'll work out, play guitar again for another few minutes, finish the yam dollar hots (silver dollar hots from the new Joy with 1/4 c. yam added, and a bit of milk and cinnamon), shower, gather photos to show my cousin, and get

everyone up there for the morning. No cutting my list in half. Nyaaa. And I can say all of that having already blogged.

Mmm, it's ready, I can smell it.

If the world goes to hell, I want coffee in my survival rations.

(Staged photo ostensibly showing evidence of guitar use.)

Random Upswing

2009-03-29T21:40:00.004-05:00

The house is tidy, no one is sick, my desk has been cleared (though not entirely conquered for real), and it seems like a great moment to go to bed.

All these changes in the world make it harder to blog. Not that I don't have just as much to say, but I'm out doing things, and spending so much time catching up from the month and a half with three fevers. And then catching up with my love, who is always off working. I'm just so glad we're all finally all the way better.

Which brings me to raw. Or not raw, more accurately. When ill, I just want matzoh ball soup. End of story. So on day five of mostly raw for Lent, I relented, and made matzoh balls. And I was happy. I feel no less contemplative, as so many Lenten opportunities present themselves each day or week. Money is tight. How's that? I willingly sacrifice some things so we can continue on this path. It's not how I'd like it to be in all ways, but in more ways that are more important, all is well. Money is just money. No worries.

Running on empty without coffee is harder. That's for sure. Getting really fit will probably help. We want to start P90X and get ripped together. We're prepping. Maybe starting this week. I don't want to start without recovery supplements. I think that's fair. I may even go nutty and do one of those awful before and after YouTube photo montages with weekly update vlogs. It could happen. Maybe that would get me doing the whole vlog thing more.

Right now I'm finding some combination of faith and thought is the best answer. Thinking things through, and then letting go. I'm a big fan of leaving room for Grace. Funny how it actually works when I actually do it. I'm not really a chat with God type, so it feels funny even thinking about my own faith this way, but I don't think I need to analyze it. I think I'm okay just letting it be. If it works, why am I going to mess with it? To be rigorous? Why in all things? Or maybe, why not invite the possibility that rigor can be the act of trying on faith a different way, and not freaking if it changes some things I thought I was sure about. Why should rigor equal cynicism?

Huuuuuhhhhuubblaaa. Got kinda deep there. It's Lent. What can I say?

2009-03-23T20:57:00.001-05:00

Productivity is the name of the game, and streamlining is essential. I've been working on spring cleaning like a maniac. Now I'm going to stop and make cookies with the kids.

This, by the way, is a ping.fm test post. It doesn't look like a title is possible. Here goes.

Spring, Fall, Recipe

2009-03-08T13:56:00.005-05:00

When sinus mayhem means nuts and raw vegetables seem like too much, raw becomes less appealing. I'm a big fan of listening to my body. So I made matzoh ball soup. And it was perfect. When that had me feeling better, I snacked on large quantities of fresh coconut, dreaming of its antiviral properties all the while. A friend brought over home grown grapefruits. And I made the best papaya lime custard on the planet.

True story.

Okay, I'll give it to you. But first let me say this has been both a trying illness, hot on the heels of the last hacking cough, and also a productive one. Not it the gross way. Well that, too, actually. But I mean in the positive, productivity way.

We cooked the plug for the food processor by dropping it behind the toaster oven. It was fried. So my marvelous husband traipsed off to the HD and picked up a handy little new plug. I griped about no time, and fussed, and made annoyed sounds. He patiently held his ground. And his quiet faith in me (when I lacked my own), paid off. I, personally, replaced the dead plug with the shiny new plug, and then I made manna bread.

The manna bread is like hard tack. But we can't have everything. Maybe it will serve in some future raw bread pudding recipe.

This was after rearranging the kitchen counters a bit, and moving tons of extraneous kitchen items into the middle of the room.

The next day I got up to teach the kids at church finger knitting. They were remarkably tolerant of my red nose. I think it's because I kept them busy with their yarn. Then we went to the park. I was not well at all, and no doubt scared strange children with my pale, cold flesh and alarming cough. Tim biked with the littles, and Kali and I drove with Stella. They all ran around, while I read The 80/20 Principle, using the 80/20 principle. So I skipped around a bit, and then read chapters 9 and 10. The how chapter, and the time chapter. Blew my mind. I must become this 80/20 thinker. That's all.

Then tennis balls had to be hit at the wall. It was preposterously cute to watch my gang hitting balls, running around, working at it. But Stella was a little difficult and barky, and finally Durga began to melt down. We decided to leave.

At this point everyone was carrying bike and tennis gear, I had the dog, and Durga was walking with me, holding two helmets. Everyone else headed for the van, with Baird trying unsuccessfully to ripstick while guiding his bike. Durga wanted to get on the dragon sculpture, so I took the helmets and waited. When done, she desperately wanted to be carried. Being the uber mama, I told her to get on my back.

Never mind I've been sick for three weeks, fine one, and sick with fever and cough for four days now. Utterly weak, and as toned as a jelly fish, I am. And I was in little shoesies. Because, sick or not, I was going to make the most of my relative youth and the presence of my husband.

I did make it half way to the van. Then my ankle did this funny, twisty thing, and I thought, "Oh no, my shoe will be scraped!" Because I'm big on clear thinking when feverish.

Kali later described it as a "Spectacular Fall".

She grabbed Durga. Tim shouted, "Oh my God!!!" Which he does. And Baird came over to rub my shoulders. Durga was not impressed at having her leg a little twisted, but was fine.

My back doesn't feel "out", but I'm being super careful. My elbow hurts. That's fine. I can't do much anyway. All the kitchen stuff is still in the middle of the kitchen. Durga gave me a Hello Kitty bandaid for my elbow. All is on it's way to well.

Papaya Lime Custard Smoothie

1 small/medium carrot
1/2 zucchini or summer squash
1/2 Hass avocado
8 stems parsley
1 1/2 c. fresh papaya
8-10 fresh strawberries
8-16 oz freshly squeezed orange juice
2 dates
1/4 c. walnuts, preferably soaked
juice 1/2 lime

Blend until utterly smooth. If the some of the fruit is frozen it's pretty amazing. I like it with less orange juice and served with a spoon. Oh, Betty.

(Ooops! Forgot to post this at the time, what with being sick and all...here it is anyway!)

Recipes: Dashi Soup, Napa Salad

2009-03-05T08:41:00.005-05:00

Yesterday's dinner was fairly raw, and very satisfying, which I never expect. A napa cabbage salad and Japanese soup from dashi.

Start with dashi from a piece of kombu and shiitake mushrooms. I did boil it a minute as I'm not brave enough yet for raw dried and soaked mushrooms. If they'd been fresh, maybe.

Dashi
4 c. water
1 1"x4" piece kombu
3 dry shiitake mushrooms
1/8" slice of fresh ginger or galangal (optional)
2 T shoyu

I put the kombu and mushrooms in the water, warmed it slightly and let it soak a bit. (While it soaked, I made the salad.)

Once the mushrooms are soft, slice and reserve:
2 scallions
1 carrot (moons or half moons)
hand full snowpeas (I cut them in long strips, then in half)
1 T wakame, soaked in cold water
Stem and slice the shiitakes. You may want to take some out and save for another use.

When you're ready to serve:
Warm the water, kombu, shiitake, either to 115 F (40 C) degrees or to just boil.
Off the heat, remove the kombu (dry and save for one more dashi!) and add the shoyu.
Taste and adjust shoyu if needed. I added a tiny bit of (1/4-1/2 t) rice vinegar at this point as it seemed to need it.

Put a bit of each of the veggies into each bowl (2 large or 4 small servings). Ladle the dashi onto them. Serve immediately.

Napa Cabbage Salad
1/2 head napa cabbage, shredded
1/4 c. parsley, chopped
1 small Thai pepper, chopped
1 T dulse, cut to bite size pieces if large
2 scallions, sliced
1/8" slice ginger or galangal, peeled & sliced
handful pumpkin seeds, soaked & dried
big sprinkle black sesame seeds (mine happen to be roasted)
1-2 T walnut oil
1 T rice vinegar
big pinch of Himalayan salt

Let sit at least 10 minutes to let the flavors meld and for the dressing to mellow the cabbage.

This is the perfect time to finish the soup.

We topped this meal off with chard, pear, galangal and basil and a little water in the Blendtec. Then a small piece of 70% chocolate.

The kids ate tri-color orzo pastina instead of napa salad, which was a hard sell.

Pastina
2 c. water, boiling
Add
1 c. orzo
1/4 t. sea salt
Stir. Bring to boil, cover and lower heat. Cook covered, without stirring, until tender. There should be no water to drain.

Off the heat. Add 2-3 T butter and two raw (organic/free range/local) eggs. Stir until well blended and eggs are cooked (the residual steam is more than enough to completely cook the eggs, I assure you). Taste for salt and correct. You could sneak white puree into this easily (cauliflower and yellow summer squash blended smooth with a bit of lemon juice, a la Sneaky Chef).

Day Three Mostly Raw

2009-02-28T10:17:00.005-05:00

Day three of my Lenten fast. It's brilliant.

I decided to just move boldly forward without any particulars for my master plan. The plan is this. 1. Eat mostly raw, aiming for 90%. 2. Fill in with either macrobiotics inspired, or at least whole. 3. Once a week or so, eat a Healthiest Meals On Earth type meal.

Yesterday was easy. The kids had oatmeal for breakfast with rice syrup, blueberries, and goat milk. I made whole wheat blueberry scones the other day, so we finished those as well. Lunch was cut peppers, some soaked and dehydrated almonds, a big salad of locally grown organic chrysanthemum greens with soaked and dried pumpkin seeds, garlic, heirloom tomato, fresh dill from the garden, blueberries, lime, extra virgin olive oil, pepper, Himalayan salt.

I also made a green papaya salad. Shredded green papaya, shallots, garlic chives, culantro greens, cilantro, Thai chili, drizzled fish sauce (made only with fish, water, salt). Outstanding.

I snacked on sunflower sprouts. The kids had Fig Newmans. We also had to stop for emergency kefir and fruit because they didn't really plan lunch well enough for the length of our day. They also had some ciabatta.

Dinner was not much like dinner, but so awesome we didn't care. Really raw smoothie, made like this:

16 oz. raw cow milk
1 raw egg, we use Amish
1/2 Hass avocado
5-6 strawberries
handful soaked & dried almonds
2 T. hemp seeds
4 pitted dates
1 t. Madagascar vanilla extract
(1/2 banana or peach if desired)

Blend until smooth.

The girls and I loved it, but Baird didn't. He had raw peanuts-only peanut butter on the last of his ciabatta roll and some freshly squeezed orange juice. Kali used her ciabatta for a little grilled cheese.

After we made and drank smoothie twice, I really wanted something salty, and crunchy. But flax crackers didn't seem like the thing. It also seemed like a good idea to have some nightshade, having had all that dairy. (They complement each other, nightshades providing magnesium and potassium for milk's calcium to properly digest. Nightshades grow at night, and are more familiar as tomatoes, potatoes, okra, peppers).

I sauteed a sliced green tomato in evoo (extra virgin olive oil) pretty hard, going for good browning (but not smoking!), and added some roughly chopped garlic about half way through. In the same pan I then lightly steam-sauteed fresh local Swiss chard by adding small amounts of water as it cooked. I salted it all with kosher pink sea salt. Soooo good together. Mmmm.

Breakfast today was Fruit & Nut Manna bread with raw almond butter and sliced banana. Watered down freshly squeezed orange juice. Happiness.

Some time this week I want to make ceviche with local fish, shrimp and squid. And the raw chili in Carol Alt's book The Raw 50. We'll also be having a meal of lamb shoulder chops. Maybe broiled. I soaked some yam thread noodles from the Asian store and need to figure out what to put on them today. They're like cellophane noodles.

But now I need to make blender juice. Chard, cucumber, pear, galangal, basil. Tim and the younger two are going to bike the loop with Stella. Durga's running around in a shirt and bike helmet and nothing else. I'm thinking beach thoughts, but also get work done thoughts. How can I do both, I wonder?

Test--Picasa Album Garden Shots

2009-02-23T13:06:00.003-05:00

Here are a few photos of the self-watering planters. It's kind of a test of the Picassa/Blogger relationship. I'm hoping you can click on the photos to see them bigger and read the captions. I'm also hoping you'll see more than the first four visible in my window now.

There seems to be a dandy little sidebar set-up, with copy blocks.

I'm gonna publish and see if this works. It seems a bit clunky, but that's probably my ignorance, not Picasa's or Blogger's fault.

Pwitty. Thats a striped marigold growing against my poblano pepper, which is beginning to flower. Peppers can easily get aphids, and the marigolds seem to keep them at bay. Pyrethroid bug killers are made from marigolds.

UPDATE: The formatting is not great. And most of the photos didn't transfer. Clicking on them doesn't take you to Picasa, just opens the photo. Gigantic, in my case, as my screen resolution is set pretty high. Clearly I have more to crack, but it's not a bad first run.

Spring Cleaning

2009-02-23T11:15:00.003-05:00

I am devoting Lent to eating raw & living foods, and streamlining my life.

That means more household carnage. Things must go. It means looking at my computer time a new way. It means an electronic sundown. [Insert movie track sounds of impending doom].

I know I approach things too radically. I know, I know. Impatient and prone to extremes, that's me. Nothing can ever just be my regular thing. There always has to be a new twist. I'm addicted to steep learning curves and skipping straight to the advanced manual.

Here's my list.

1. Buy reasonable amounts of raw food basics in bulk, so little $4 bags of almonds don't become a habit.

2. Begin at the beginning. Keep reading the books, schedule a trip to Food & Thought, plan some foods the kids and Tim can eat (raw & cooked). Put ceviche on the menu.

3. Get my eyes checked. That's not really related, except it's about taking care of myself, and I'm thinking I need a new Rx for reading.

4. Implement Operation Electronic Sundown. This can only be good. I have visions of yoga, tea and actually picking up my guitar. Plus a good night's sleep for real!

5. Twitter now simultaneously updates Facebook. Blog posts automatically post as notes there as well. And that's great. But how do I make the instant gratification of tweets and updates, and instant sharing happen for the blog? How do I make it so easy here?

6. Contemplate subscribing to Jott, moving to Wordpress, changing advertising, spin off, identity, imagery, purpose...

7. Create a schedule that includes all desired and necessary activities, even if each one only gets a few minutes. Live the life, in order to live the life.

8. Clean the house, organize the bedroom closet, reclaim my desk. Give the kitchen another spin.

9. Think video thoughts. Learn basic editing. Make friends with YouTube.

I'm stopping at nine because it's an auspicious number. And nine things seem reasonable. Especially given the household, homeschool and toddler overlays. Nine big things. A Lenten purge and rebirth.

I'm on a mission. The groundwork gets laid today. It's exciting!

Round-Up

2009-02-20T18:20:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to figure out what to do with my $8. With my family of 5 it seems $8 means precisely jack. And it's an expensive $8. Where the hell does my elected government find such funds? The usual places, I think, which means me. So now I've bailed out banks and sent CEOs on joy rides. And just when I think it's not going to get worse, our president has added insult to injury. $8 measly bucks.

I find I feel more stimulated to annoyance.

The flip side is on the other side of the world. See what Reason.tv has to say about economic stimulus in India:

What Slum Dog Millionaire Can Teach Us About Economic Stimulus

It's pretty exciting stuff, and certainly filled in some knowledge gaps for me about why India has been stuck for so long, and why it's recently begun to boom. Go, India!

In other news, there's the NY Post's terrible decision making.

Whenever I see something so astonishingly stupid, instantly I think of the chain of decision-makers who acknowledged and validated the thought every step of the way. I know you've seen it, but I have to chime in. For the record.

Missing the problematic racial tie-in (at each level of approval?!) is idiotic. Seeing the connection people would inevitably make, and publishing it anyway is heinous. I don't know which it was. And I do know jobs are hard to find right now. But whether the employees of the Post are "unhappy" (at it's being published, or about being called out?) is not the issue.

I think Edmund Burke put it best. "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."

In the interest of Free Speech, I must also add, the NY Post can publish anything they like, for now at least. But obviously there will be natural consequences if such an institution makes choices such as those leading to Wednesday's face-plant.

On a personal note, I'd like to mention I have a neighbor from West Virginia who likes to yodel, bark with the dogs, and sing mountain music at twilight. He also cuts our lawn. Tim is alarmed that I can mimic his accent, with appropriate content, exactly. I mention this because I have written this post while listening to his bizarre serenade and eating an arugula salad from the garden.

FB's 25 Random Things About Me

2009-02-09T13:37:00.001-05:00

This is a Facebook transplant. I figured it could be here as well.

I held off for as long as I could, then decided the whole point of Facebook is to be social, so why be asocial about a taggy thing?

These were the rules when I got it:

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

Go to the "Notes" section in your tabs to make your own.

I dutifully listed, tagged and posted. The post follows.

Here goes:

25. I hate going in order. I much prefer the end to be first.

24. Secretly I'm sort of techie, but haven't cracked CSS because I refuse to RTFM.

23. So far, I haven't jumped out of a plane. But I've been in small ones. Kayaked mangroves, backpacked France, seen a bit of Mexico (north & south), and eaten sea cucumber poop. It was a salad.

22. I grew up in SoHo, in an 1800 sq. ft. loft with 22 ft. ceilings and a manual elevator. The roof leaked, but had skylights. SoHo was empty and dangerous. Our groceries were all from Little Italy and Chinatown.

21. If I can eat it, I probably want to grow it. I'm shifting our garden to be as edible as possible, and am working on preservation, fermentation, and animal source protein. But bunnies and fish are pesky, and birds are noisy.

20. I know color theory and paint matching like most people know the times table. It's too bad I didn't pursue art or art history...there is so little color theory in writing.

19. My goal is to leave the world better in some way than I found it. I'm not sure how yet, but am working on it.

18. I miss dancing for four or five hours a night to the best d.j.s on the planet. But I do not miss the smoke.

17. The smell of beeswax reminds me of my Waldorf nursery school.

16. If I close my eyes, I see colors and patterns, mostly when I'm happy. If I'm upset, anything visual becomes almost too clear, almost obnoxious.

15. I love homeschooling the kids, teaching, public speaking, performance, a good show, a tight band, a book that makes me hold it after I've read it. I love music and wish I could make some. I love community. And I love entertaining and going out with friends.

14. When cooking I follow the simple French rule, let things taste of what they are made. But I'm not above sneaking veggies into things...

13. Apparently my Sanskrit pronunciation is not half bad. But all spoken by rote, alas.

12. I blog.

11. Our three kids were all born at home. Two on W. 43rd St., one in Naples, in a tub. My oldest was the photographer at the last one.

10. I would love to travel the world. Learning, writing, studying plants and ingredients, cooking, eating.

9. Every day I wake up in love. I'm outrageously lucky to have found my marvelous husband.

8. Vintage is better. House, objects, drink.

7. I've studied vegan macrobiotic cooking, fashion design, advertising (both design and copywriting), herbology, religious anthropology, and liberal arts. I have been a child model and actor, a private chef, written for Joe Camel, done art and fashion marketing, copy editing, taught yoga, and was an artist's and jeweler's apprentice, nanny, party promoter, business owner and computer tech.

6. I miss living somewhere with art house theatres, galleries, live music everywhere, performances, colleges, and walking. But I do not miss the cold. No, I do not. And I love, love, love the Nature Factor Nine Thousand here. Love.

5. My kids were all nursed to the cup and beyond. Breastmilk really does cure pinkeye, fyi.

4. Flowers make me crazy happy. So does bacon. But I'm nearly allergic to pork. Not allergic to flowers.

3. Give me wit, strategy, charm. Keep me guessing. Set it up and bring it back later for clever effect. Make me feel appreciated and challenged at the same time. Find a way for me to compete. Look me in the eyes and smile! (Did I mention how much I love my husband?)

2. I know how to be a healthier person, but suffer from a case of non-compliance in some areas. I need to get off my duff more. See point 18. Oh. I. So. Need. To. Move.

1. And the number one random thing about me is... I used to think I wouldn't want to live a super long life, but my former goal of a healthy 120 is seeming a bit unambitious since they've adjusted the actuarial tables to same. What should my new number be?

It seemed some friends were allowing this meme to become a sub-addiction within their already time-consuming Facebook habits. It became such a phenomenon there is even an article about it in Salon. Who knew bacon mention would turn out to be an organic meme within a meme? (Hat tip to K and D).

Salud

2009-02-08T11:34:00.007-05:00

I must stop reading the Twilight books and clean the house! Between my being AWOL over Stephanie Meyer, and the kids all in Snifflesville for the last two weeks (one at a time, mind you), the place is looking wild. And it's not like I've had any sleep, what with the stinking, keep-me-up-till-4am Twilight series of doom I cannot put down.

Here's the house right after Christmas, looking all tidy.

That's Baird, ripping through the living room. He loves his wheels on the terrazzo.

But now imagine, and no, I won't photograph it for you, imagine the above with crumbs, baby dolls with accessories, chairs askew, pull-ups, globes, sand, golf clubs, spray bottles, cook books, plastic snakes, Play-Doh bits, drums, junk mail, curriculum for three kids, fur, bills, empty boxes, a Zen prayer book (ironically), fire wood leaf litter, dvd cases, and the amaryllis in need of transplanting to the garden.

But I've made Sangria for tonight. It's been steeping since last night. And tapas will go in the oven today. The night shouldn't be too cold for a fire outside, but perhaps cool enough for a fire inside as well.

Our colds are on the wane, but Rudolf might envy me my sexy red nose. If I could just get enough caffeine into my body, all would be in beauteous shape in about two hours. Three if counting food. I need espresso, but only have breakfast tea.

It's an excuse. Let's face it, if tea was good enough to fuel the British Empire, it should do for me to clean the house.

Muscle Memory

2009-02-03T23:23:00.001-05:00

I did not expect the pain yesterday. It did seem to easy to just read a book on Anci's birthday and call it a day. It seemed too easy to fool around online on the first, watch the Superbowl, write a little. But then the second of February happened. I thought I was not going to have any reaction. That I was out of the woods.

Then my heart was crushed, and my whole body pulled me down.

I wanted to just crawl under a rock and be cold and squashed and wet and miserable. Or to break all that I had made beautiful in the house, and bang my head on the wall. Or go out and dance till my legs were jelly and say yes to what ever came my way.

All of this I told to T. He lovingly offered to squash me instead my rock idea. But I couldn't move.

We eventually ended up at Whole Foods. I just wanted to be someplace good. A good place in the world. I bought nothing significant, but had an amazingly calming time and blew cash on nothing. All of the nothing makes me feel nurtured, and I guess that's the point. Himalayan salt, hemp seeds, lactofermented KimChee, black kale, dry chipotle chilies, flax crackers, temple balls, seven stars yogurt and organic blackberries from Florida. Rescue remedy spray.

I don't know why it worked. It was my last hope. Maybe the feeling would have timed out anyway. But I know it was the day the out-of-it feeling from anaesthesia wore off, two days after she was taken from me. Maybe my milk came in, that day or the next. It was the day I emerged less concerned about my physical well-being and suddenly, brutally aware I had lost her. It was the day I swayed and moaned and cried for the birth we wouldn't have. For the baby lost.

There is little to make me feel strong enough at this point to look over last year's entries from this time. I wrote so little last year, and what little I wrote largely referred to mourning. Only eighty some-odd posts. Fewer posts than days taken off in previous years.

There is still a searing ache from yesterday, but only intermittent. Yesterday would not let up.

It's funny how it's actually my heart that hurts. My chest burns, my breath catches, then all goes achy. My throat closes. My limbs go limp. And nothing matters.

I do have upbeat things to think. Her legacy of community continues. I am so very committed to it. I feel so deeply about it I am always looking for new ways to make it real. I'm not always good at it. And it's perhaps ironic in trying to create myself anew and be consistently "in community" I have stumbled over her and dropped the ball the last few days. Kids with fevers on top, one at a time for going on two weeks.

Now I know. Just take a vacation on her birthday at least through Groundhog Day. It will be my Candlemas ritual. Maybe next year I'll even do a mass email/cross-post saying I'm out of the office, unavailable, all on hold.

Every little bit teaches me. It is not easy. And I'm so grateful for every second of it.