A Closeted Gay Boy

Back and better ... who was I kidding?

2010-07-27T02:17:00.000-04:00

Ok ... so I knew deep down that I wasn't going to quit. I think that I needed that short break to reevaluate myself. I am being a little more true to myself now and I think that, believe it or not, I'm going to come out to Steve, full disclosure.

Why? You may ask ... well to be honest, I want him to know that I trust him with my most deepest and darkest secret and that I am hoping from showing him I trust him with something so big, that he'll trust me.

Here's what happened, in a nutshell... basically this past Friday, he was down and out because he apparently got wind that they were going to let go of some people at work and just prior to finding out, he jokingly told one of his co-workers that they were next. Shortly after, his boss kind of slipped and told him that that person was in fact next to go. So now apparently they all ganged up on him at work and he got really upset.

He immediately disappeared, pretending to go have a cigarette, and instead went to the bar next door and pounded one down. Well, so he claims..

We originally had plans on having a quiet weekend and not spending money, but since he was in one of his moods, he wanted to go out and one of his friends, whom I never met before, was gathering everyone to go out. So I, along with Mike, tagged along. I drove, which I totally don't care.

It was an amazing night. I got my drunk on, then sobered up later to drive. Steve got plastered and when we all went to the diner to grab a bite, mind you this is at like 4AM, he fell asleep in the car. Everyone else went into the diner and left me with Steve. He was so drunk that I grabbed his junk purposely a few times to see if he was fucking with me or not and when he didn't even respond to me grabbing it, I knew he was really out of it.

I slapped him a few times on the face to wake him up and he told me some shit like he thinks he needs to go to the hospital because he overdosed on Oxycontin or one of those. I kept trying to talk to him and he kept saying that. I finally got him up to walk into the diner and he slid into the booth and literally passed out. He sat there with his head hung and just slept. We all ate and coming to the end, I guess he slept it off and woke up. He was still drunk as hell but I guess slept some of it off. He ate a little and I guess that helped too.

Sometime during the course of these events, I remember him saying "I lied to you about the drugs" - so of course, I'm torn. I wonder if it was a test to see if I would do something to him or if he really was that drunk. I remember back in Pennsylvania, he had a lot more to drink, but wasn't that bad. So I feel like he really did take drugs ...

I really want to confront him about this. If he really has a drug problem, I want to be there for him and help him get through this. This is why I am thinking that if I can let him see how much I trust him and open up to him, he would return the favor and do the same. I want to and plan to tell him everything. Tell him that ever since I knew that I was gay, I always was curious as to how "it" would be with him. I had yearned to just see his penis and now I have, thanks to him. I want him to know that despite my sexual attraction to him, I would NEVER do anything to jeopardize our friendship. I want to call him out on how different he's been, since I told him I was bi. He avoids hanging out with just me at times and he needs to know that I would never push anything at all to make the situation uncomfortable. He needs to know that I love him like a brother and then some.

Of course I'm fucking nervous as hell to tell him something so big, but in a way, at this point, I feel like I'm ok with it getting out there. When the time comes and my parents find out about it, well ... that's a different story, but I can't keep living this lie.

What do you think? Totally stupid move or possibly the right thing?

Well, bring on the comments, good and bad. I'm back, stronger than ever, and ready to stand up on my soapbox again. If you don't like it, well then I suggest that you stop reading! ;)

xoxo,
Jared

So... I think I'm done...

2010-07-05T04:29:00.000-04:00

When I had started this blog, it was a means for me to vent to whomever chose to read this, full disclosure, without hesitation...

While I've continued to do just that and, in my opinion, grow, it seems that for most, I've done nothing but spend countless hours of bitching. Some of you feel that I am not being true to myself, by hiding in the closet, while some have expressed the same stress that I feel with their own lives.

While it's hard for most to understand, it really is difficult. Based on the recent poll results and comments and overall feeling I'm getting, I think I may take a break from blogging. I truly don't want to, but I feel that maybe I need to take a step back and reevaluate my life. I'm not giving up on it, but maybe just take a break...

Wow... I feel like I'm breaking up with someone ... lol ...

Well I really want everyone to know that I honestly appreciate all the feedback, good and bad.

I am getting myself the financial security that I have been lacking and there is a possibility that this closeted gay boy may just no longer be closeted before the year ends. I honestly doubt it, but who knows. Maybe I'll win the lottery or find me a good guy? I don't know...

Anyway ... so long for now ... and thank you for tuning in....

Welcome ... you'll receive your welcome package in the mail

2010-07-05T04:21:00.000-04:00

So funny story ... apparently the town I live in is flooded with gays of all sorts. It's a very accepting community and the kids here have definitely taken advantage of that...

Anyway ... so back in high school, there were these group of kids that were so well tight knit, it was impossible for anyone to get into their little group. Well that's at least the way I felt... Little to know that like two of my "friends" who I had grown up with had become part of that group.

Now throughout high school, I got along with everyone. Everyone knew me and I never really had problems with anyone. In junior high, it was a different story. This same group of kids took pleasure in calling me a fag, telling me I was gay, and the whole nine. I let it all roll off of me, of course.

So high school came along and of course, their views changed, well at least I think so. I never heard any of that nonsense again from them and we basically had called a truce. I look on Facebook and see them all still together. In fact, one of the couples are now engaged. I thought, wow, it's nice that they're all still together.

So then one day I was Facebook stalking, which I'm infamous for, and I decided to click on one of the guy's profile and low and behold, there is a status that says "In a Relationship with John Smith" -- I normally never take to these things, because people are stupid and put dumb shit like that up on their profile. So I kind of blew it off and then one of my friends, who happened to be in love with this guy, tells me one day while I was talking to her that he's gay. Full on and out.

I found it so damn ironic that he was one of those fuckers that had tormented me and now look at him. Yeah... it's all part of "growing up" right? I really beg to differ ... but whatever ... welcome Johnny boy and thanks for drinking the kool-aid... :)

An adonis on the block!

2010-06-29T23:36:00.000-04:00

So I came home from work today and had plans to go to the gym later. When I got home, I had beat my mom and I decided to wait until she got home so that I could park behind her in the driveway. I had pulled up in front of my neighbor's house and was sitting there, waiting for my mom to get home.

As I was waiting, I noticed this guy running a little distance away. Jokingly, I was like, please God, let him be shirtless and as he got closer, I realized that he was. He had the most amazing body! He wasn't extremely ripped, but he had a nice upper chest going and a flat stomach with a hint of a six pack. It seriously was a vision! I stared at him from the moment he was around the bend and in line with my car. He ran around my car and of course passed right by my window. If I only had the balls to reach out of my window .... Oh I totally would reached for him!

I was actually tempted to stop him to ask him if he runs a lot... I have been seriously looking for a running mate for quite some time now and I was so tempted to ask him, but of course, I chickened out. I also thought that it was a bit weird to have a complete stranger stop you, while you're running, to talk. LOL

Oh well ... well guess where I will be tomorrow around the same time? LOL .... Ohhhh... I wish I was out and had a hot lover and boyfriend! ... lol

Such a hot picture!

2010-06-28T20:07:00.000-04:00

I am so turned on! Holy!

Seriously!? No More!

2010-06-21T02:19:00.000-04:00

Ok ... so earlier in the year, I was running off to a class in the city that my company was paying for and it was like 6:00AM and I was about to run up the stairs to catch a train, when I heard "Excuse me sir" and as I turned around, there was a kid standing there that I had graduated high school with. Mark, as he will be known, is a Jehovah's Witness and he was about to start his speech when he realized it was me. He was all friendly and was like "Heyyyy Jared! Wow! It's been a while... " blaah blaah blaah ... So I told him how I had to catch the train and that I'd see him later ... I was never best friends with him, but we made nice in high school ... honestly, I was nice to everyone and got along well with everyone ...

Anyway ... cut to like a month or two later ... I'm running into Panera for lunch and there he is with his posse, taking their lunch break from their door to door service. I said hello again and left it at that ... small talk and nothing more ...

Now, one of my besties happens to be a JW and she is part of his congregation. Now, for the record, I have nothing against them at all. The only reason I mention this is because of how that mere fact is a connection to this whole story ...

Anyway.. so I had called my friend Heather and had told her ... how funny is it that I've run into Mark so many times this year and I haven't seen this kid in like 6 years... so now cut to me walking into work from lunch and there he is, sitting there in our lobby, dressed in a suit. I, again, make small talk as I wait for the elevator to arrive and shake his hand and he tells me he's interviewing for a position there. I'm like, holy crap!

So of course, I had to call Heather right away and tell her. I just thought it was so weird that this happened. So anywho ... I wasn't aware that Heather and Mark had a past of some sorts, but it never worked out because he was (and still is) quite immature. So the day turns to night and while at home, I got a text from Heather, asking if it was ok for her to give Mark my cell number. I said sure and like 15 minutes later, she calls me all pissed off. She's like, he's such an ass... omg! So I jokingly said to her, why don't the two of you just get married already?

She was like - HELL NO! He's such an immature ass. He thinks that because you told me that you ran into him, that you're into him and that he thinks you're gay.

I was like, WHAT!? So she goes on to say how he's full of himself and all this bullshit. She proceeds to say that how I'm a nice guy and he just thinks that anyone that is nice is into him ... all this bullshit to make me feel better ...

To be honest, I wasn't pissed off at first, but then it was like the straw that broke the camel's back... First I had the encounter with Steve and Mike... Mike thought I was gay because I didn't try with any of the girls at the bar that night ... first of all, yeah ... I am kind of gay ... girls can turn me on, but just can't get me off ... well at least I haven't tried ...

But anyway ... I'm no man whore that looks for numbers. If I found the "right" girl, I would definitely try it out, but goodness gracious! There was nothing there ... he didn't even hook up ... so what the fuck!?

Secondly ... I am not exactly a god, like Mike or Steve ... I am insecure with myself and it's something I have to work through! Plain and simple ...

And now, because I am just being friendly and nice, you go and make that assumption!? You know what!? Fuck you and fuck anyone else that thinks that of me. You want me to be an asshole to you? Well fine! I hope you can deal with what I'm about to dish out! You're going to be the fucking stock boy, so you'd better bring me paper when I request it, otherwise I will complain to your manager, mother fucker!

I am seriously done being the nice guy. Fuck everyone at this point! I hate my boss, she's a bitch and she's got it coming to her as well. I am just so very done ... I am going to sign up for some Yoga once this summer session is done and I'm going to meditate my stress away! Would you believe that I found 3 gray hairs!? THREE!?!?!? I'm fucking 24! What the hell!?!?!?!?!?

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I'll throw in some DRAMA absolutely FREE!

2010-06-21T01:59:00.000-04:00

So if you haven't noticed, posts about Steven has become more and more sparse, and with good reason. I've basically stopped hanging out with him. Not by choice, so much, but mainly because of him. He has become so distant, that I've just stopped bothering.

I really don't know what his problem is, but since the day I decided to tell him that I was "bi", he has never been the same since. I seriously think that he's afraid of hanging out with me alone because he thinks that I may pounce on him or something. Whenever we need to "hang out," Mike is always invited to tag along. It's a bit ridiculous, but whatever.

I texted him the other day, asking him if he'd be interested in spending the weekend out east in the Hamptons. I purposely commented in the text saying that he doesn't have to worry about it just being me and him because Mike will be back by then and he'd probably come with. He didn't respond to that comment at all. He said how he had plans to go to Fire Island with some people and he'd let me know.

Honestly... I wasn't looking for anything out of this, except to just spend the weekend in the Hamptons with my friends. I'd go alone, but how boring is that? Plus, I don't want to be some lonesome loser out there. I just wanted to go, enjoy the beaches, the town, maybe a little nightlife. I don't know...

Well anyway ... It's come to the point that if I don't text him, he doesn't text me. Then randomly, I'll get a text message about him "dying to hang out" with me and all this bull shit. I've decided to follow in Dina's footsteps on The Real Housewives of New Jersey and remove the negative people and negative things out of my life. That, including Steven. If he contacts me, I'll play nice and I will always be respectful to his family, but things are different now ...

A worthy blog

2010-06-21T01:34:00.000-04:00

So while in search for Colton Haynes, I stumbled upon this blog, Caramelitos Varoniles. There are a lot of hot photos, random hotties that you've never heard of, like Colton, and there are some Futbol (Soccer) players on there too... I plan to spend some time on this website! :)

Check it out!
http://caramelitosbaronil.blogspot.com/

Mixed feelings ..

2010-06-21T01:30:00.000-04:00

So I watched Drop Dead Diva tonight and I must say, it continues to be such a good show. I think that Jane's character has become a bit cocky, but I still love it. I just wish there was a beach party and Greyson would just be completely shirtless, or even better ... just nude! :) Totally rockin' the birthday suit ... wouldn't mind ... just a little suggestion to the producers ... I'll have my people call your people ... love it! :)

Anyway ... back to reality ... well the reality of ABC's Summer Sundays ... I'm mixed. I watched the premiere of Scoundrels and it was really good. I liked it a lot and thought it was an awesome pilot episode. I can't wait for next week...

As for The Gates ... ugh ... where do I begin? I honestly thought it was going to be some type of murder/mystery kind of show, but instead it's another Twilight knockoff. Seriously people!? Can't we think of anything else besides Vampires and Werewolves!? Come on! They even have their own rendition of Taylor Lautner ... Some hot piece of ass newbie named Colton Haynes. I never heard of or seen him before this, but oye papi! he's hot! I did some digging and there's a photo of him floating around with him and some other guy. They're both quite the French in the photo and let me just say ... I'm quite turned on! He's 21 (on his way to 22) and holy crap! I've learned that the key to success is to have a six pack! Holy shit!! Just take a look below...

Anyway ... so with the exception of this hottie, it's another dumb story about werewolves and vampires. It turns out that Hottie McFuckMe (pictured above) is a werewolf in the show ... ** COUGH COUGH TAYLOR LAUTNER *** ---

Anywho ... I guess I'll give it a second chance, since it's set to DVR and since I have some eye candy ... ;) -- What do you think of their new shows? Worthy?

So many things ... but this first

2010-06-21T01:19:00.000-04:00

So as I crawled into bed, I decided to set my TV up properly to wake me up at 6:30, instead of my weekend schedule of 10:00 .. :) -- and I tuned to Fox 5-1 (HD) and much to my surprise was Rent. I was so excited because I had turned it on just in time for "La Vie Bohème" and I hadn't seen the movie in a while. The song started off and then all of a sudden, it was cut after cut after cut. I mean, yes, the song is a bit raunch but, um, hello!? it's RENT!??!?!!?!

Ugh ... I was so appalled that I just turned it off ... no "dildo" or "mucho masturbation" ... WTF!? Ugh ...

So a quick Glee recap and then tonight's events

2010-06-13T23:17:00.000-04:00

So I am sure that my fellow Gleeks out there watched the season finale. I literally cried from the beginning to the end. I am so happy that this show came about and has become so successful. It's such a great show and it allows me to escape my harsh realities for an hour. I dream to be one of those actors on the show ever so much. Can you imagine waking up every morning and your job is to go and be a part of that show? Sing to your heart's content and just love every moment of it all! I can only dream and imagine! :)

So anyway ... as for tonight ... I went to my friend's recital and it was amazing. I was surprised to see that there were actually 3 teenage/older guys in the show. There was two younger boys, around maybe 12 or 13 ... they were cute and amazing dancers ... but the older ones ... they seem more like 16 or 17 ... they were hot and boy could they move! Of course I had to control myself, but holy cow! They were amazing ... they were no larger a tree branch ... literally ... they look like a size 20 or something ... ridiculous! They were awesome though ... talk about high jumps, grace ... just the whole package ...

I was actually sitting there, watching them perform and I thought how it must be so nice to be so open about your passion for dancing. It's not exactly well looked upon by society for guys to be in shows like that ... of course everyone assumes that you're gay "to be moving like that." It takes a lot of balls to go up and perform in front of a huge crowd and takes even bigger balls to perform a solo. I am telling you ... I am green with envy of those boys ... Granted I fit the stereotype of male dancers (being gay and all), but they have to have amazing parents. My parents would say it was gay and make me do something else ...

Oh well ... off to clean my room and then my bed ... got God-awful work in the morning ..

Just hilarious

2010-05-28T16:54:00.000-04:00

So yesterday I decided to go and meet Steve after class. My class normally ends at like 10pm, but the professor let us out early and I was starving. I texted Steve to see if he wanted to grab some dinner and he said to meet him at a bar nearby because he was hanging out with his dad.

I thought that was somewhat weird, but I decided to go. Apparently his father and his father's buddies had gathered for one last hoorah with one of their co-workers that was moving on. So that's why they were all there.

Steve had apparently downed a few beers and was a bit tipsy. I had only two and was actually quite sober. We went outside because he wanted a cigarette and he doesn't smoke in front of his father (I actually respect that). So as we're out there, he had to pee (of course), and as he went behind a dumpster to piss, he said "Could you imagine if I told my dad I was bi?" and I simply said, "I think he'd be ok with it. He's very open-minded and easy going." And that was basically the end of the conversation.

So basically, in his drunken state of mind, he admitted to his bisexuality. He also mentioned how he let one guy in school, who was openly gay, play with his balls. He topped off that story with "That's just how I am... very laid back..." -- I'm like... "Yeahhh right!"

Anyway... so that's all I wanted to share ... like I said, I am really over the boy crush ... que sara sara ;)

xoxo,
J

A night full of "Glee"

2010-05-27T02:39:00.000-04:00

So I went away on vacation for about a week, so for those who were wondering what the heck happened to me... that's where I was. It was nice. It was good to get away from life, from the daily grind, and from everything.

It was really nice too, because I didn't get to see or talk to Steve for a while and to be honest, I'm over my man-crush with him. I am sure you're all saying "It's about damn time!", but I honestly couldn't explain as to why it took me so long. I guess I was just hoping and praying that he'd come around. Oh well ..

We are and shall remain friends and I guess that would be all to it. If he chooses to make something of our relationship, then I am on board, but I am no longer going to press/force the issue. He can flash his cock at me all he wants and send all the mixed signals he wants, but I am just not going to bite. I mean he sends me a text "ILY" .. I'm like what the hell is "ily" and then I realized that it was shorthand for "I Love You" ... how does one take that? I just simply replied "I love you too steve" and left that as open as his "ILY"

So anyway ... that's that ... maybe we will hang out this weekend, maybe we won't. We've been trying, but have yet to hang out in well over 3 or 4 weeks. Crazy, right?

Well whatever ... so moving onto the title of this blog ... GLEE! I am one big ass, total Gleek. Hate all you want, but I love that show. I had three episodes to catch up on, including last night's Gaga episode ..

I will admit that I wasn't so thrilled about their Gaga episode ... I think that they kind of wrecked Bad Romance and their take on Poker Face wasn't up to par either ... but let me just tell you... when Kurt's father stood up for him when Finn was raging on about the "faggy" looking room, I was blown away. I literally started to cry. I couldn't believe that a father's love could be so strong. I actually, at that moment, had wished that my father would do something like that for me, but I know he wouldn't. I must also admit that the ending, where Finn dressed up in a red shower curtain and stood up for himself, as well as Kurt... that was touching. Finn is a good guy deep down ... he has some wrinkles that needs to be ironed out though... ugh... love it!

So the episode where Neil Patrick Harris (LOVE HIM!!!) was on, was absolutely amazing. Just totally loved it. Neil can sing for sure!

Finally, the episode where Rachel loses her voice ... that was a touching episode as well. I have to say that Puxk was fucking amazing... not to mention super hot, when he performed Lady is a Tramp. He literally has the most sculpted body and when he wore that black ensemble with the stripped vest and silver back... oh my god! And then when he added that hat and began singing... OMG! I seriously wanted to jump into the TV and steal him away. I absolutely love his voice and that look ... wow... just got me a raging one! ;)

So I guess that's it for now .. I am all Gleeked out fo now ... Just love the fact that I own that episode with Puck on iTunes! ;)

xoxo,
Jared

so is this weird?

2010-05-19T01:24:00.000-04:00

ok ... so I normally trim my junk with just a scissor, but I don't know what got over me, but I decided to trim and then shave. So now I am smooth as a baby's bottom. :)

While I was shaving, I was using my gilette fusion power blade ... the one that vibrates ... well I got mad horny after I was done that I took off the blade and then shoved the vibrating handle up my ass ... all the way up ... is that weird?

All I know is that it felt awesome ... made me blow one big ass load ... It's been some time since i've gotten a good pounding up in there... that really wasn't a pounding, but still ... it sufficed.

So I ask .. is that some fucked up ass shit or would you do it too?

what a hot pic :)

2010-05-02T19:12:00.000-04:00

Ok ... something about this guy's pic I find to be hot ...

He is somewhat cute and maybe it's his armpit hair being visible is what it is, but I'm ever so slightly turned on.

Who is he? He's @Jack on Twitter ... Jack Dorsey to the world .. "Creator, Co-founder and Chairman of Twitter; CEO of Square." according to his Twitter profile ... :)

Update ...

2010-04-26T22:50:00.000-04:00

So I've been ignoring Steve for the past two days now and it's been eating him up. I finally caved tonight and responded back to his texts. He did apologize for his "drunkenness" and all that, but it's not that easy.

I feel that we will be much more distant now. Not only because of this one incident, but because of everything. All of the ignored texts, the flaking out on me, everything. It's all built up to this and now I just can't be bothered anymore. My love for him has become extinct.

I look at him in disgust for his actions. He claims that it is "self-defense" ... to me, it's purely stupidity. If you instigate a person and send mixed signals to them, do you not expect them to make a move on you, especially if you're that good looking and they're obviously interested? You asked for it upon yourself and sent mixed signals. The person that you supposedly beat up did not deserve it and I blame no one but you. It's dumbasses like you that are to blame for the hatred and heartache that this community feels.

Whether or not he was completely lying to me or not, I will never know, but this is my stand on the situation and I'm going with that.

How does one define "asshole"? Simply put - my first true love-crush, Steve.

Marriage is so Gay

2010-04-26T22:43:00.000-04:00

Show your support for equality and gay marriage! Check out this website, buy a shirt, and choose which good charity this goes to.

http://www.marriageissogay.com/

Ok ... I think I've lost it

2010-04-26T00:06:00.000-04:00

I seriously just need someone I can talk to about everything I'm feeling ... Someone I can confide in and know that my secrets, fears, feelings, everything is safe.

I've actually started Googling shrinks ... no joke ... Something is wrong with me and I am recognizing it in me and I think I need some help to get through this ...

I can't seem to catch a break ... I work my ass off, go to school practically full time, and try my best to do everything right, yet I just can't seem to catch a break at all.

My parents are smothering me and I happened to mention to my dad this weekend that Mike was looking at an apartment and he's "like you want to move out? You're ass is too fat, that's your problem. You need to focus on saving your money and buying a house! I know you can't afford any of that now, so what the hell are you thinking?"

First off, what the fuck does me being "fat" have anything to do with anything!? I just couldn't believe he said that. Secondly, he's right, I can't afford anything, but honestly, I need to get out! I don't even have the privacy to cry about anything and let these feelings escape me because they're always on my ass.

I am trying to save, but something ALWAYS comes up!

I'm pissed off at Steve so much that I've been ignoring him all day today and it's been really hard. I know it's eating him up inside that I am ignoring him because he's been texting me all day. This morning he texts me "dick." - Plain and simple. I responded back with "Say what you want, but I have nothing more to say to you. Consider this the last text message from me for a while."

He responded with "wtf? That's random .." and then with "why are you so angry" and then later on with "I'll see you at 5" (obviously trying to get me to reply back to him)

I honestly don't have the energy to fight with him right now and quite frankly, I felt the conversation we had last night about his "altercation" was geared toward me. He was going on and on ... "I know I mess around a lot, but when I say don't touch me, don't! I fucking told him not to touch me. I warned him and I told him not to ... "

It seemed so real and then to blow it off because he was trying to fuck with me!? No thank you. He said some other things that made it a bit more personal, which I'd rather not disclose, but nonetheless, he said it. I honestly don't know ...

I feel like I want to literally just pick up and leave everything behind. Apply for a job in California and just up and move, without warning to no one. I am seriously hitting a dead end with my life. It's just how I feel.

I look at certain things and you know what, I'd die to have it. Something as simple as the relationship that Steve and his brother has, I wish I could have that. I saw the commercial for "It's Complicated" on DVD and there is a scene where the son walks down the aisle and is graduating. He has the full support of his family. I want that. I'm mainly close with my sister and even that relationship has become distant.

My sister is 10 years older than me. My brothers are 12 and 14 years older than me. One is out of the country and I hardly know him. The other rents my sister's basement and he may as well live out of the country too. He's going to be 38 and is not married and doesn't seem to have any intentions of getting married. He's not the greatest role model, but I wish we were somewhat closer.

I wonder if I will ever graduate and actually become independent. I wonder if I'll ever find love, get married and have children. I look at "Brothers & Sisters" every Sunday night and live vicariously through Scotty and Kevin's relationship. Sadly, I look at that show for hope... hope that one day, I can find a genuine guy who truly loves me, be able to come out to my family, be accepted, and eventually consider having children.

But will it ever happen? Who knows .. right now, it's just a mere dream. Nothing more. I feel stuck and mostly alone.

I mustered up some confidence to audition online for Glee and then at the last minute chickened out from the fear of rejection. I was more afraid that my family would see it or my friends and just laugh... I'd sadly rather live the life I am currently than live my ultimate and secret dream of becoming an actor... doing what I love best and singing. The fear of rejection is something that I don't think I am strong enough to deal with ...

I was thinking the other day ... I was put down so much growing up that I lacked the confidence to talk to girls. I was always called "gay" throughout school and eventually one day I decided to investigate what "gay" was and I decided to explore and see if it fit. I came to realize that men aren't as judgmental as girls and we know what we want. It was easy and I liked it, so I accepted it. I still do think that girls are hot and sometimes they turn me on, but I know what I like and what really turns me on ... I've toyed around with the idea of being bi, but apparently I just give off that gay vibe or maybe it's tattooed on my forehead because girls never sought interest in me.

I don't even know why this is all coming out. I guess it's been bottled up inside me for so long that this is it. It either comes out or brings me to my end. Ok... now I've finally begun to cry...

I am going to go and just let it out... sorry for unloading on my readers ... just feeling really down right now... :(

So this is my life ... whatever

2010-04-25T00:09:00.000-04:00

So I woke up this morning to take my car in for some service, got a loaner, and texted Steve while waiting on the loaner to see what he was up to. He said he was going into the city to pub crawl and asked me to join him, last minute of course, probably counting on me saying no. Which I did and went home.

I fell asleep on the couch for a bit and then woke up. I texted 3 other friends to see if they wanted to grab some dinner. Two responded saying they couldn't and the other, up to now, has not responded to me. I ended up ordering dinner and picking it up at the restaurant and came home and ate alone. My parents did invite me to go with them and the neighbors to dinner, but I had declined, thinking that I could have a nice dinner with a friend.

I had texted Steve to see if he had gotten home and if he wanted to chill (he left for the city at 11:30AM) and he never responded.

My dad asked me to take him to meet up with all of my cousins to have a drink. I was never called by my uncle, who coordinated the whole thing, to see if I wanted to come. I was only asked by my father so that I'd be his sober driver, and that is the truth.

Now my parents returned with my neighbors from dinner and they're still here. I don't think my dad is going to the boys gathering again, but he still says that he is.

I just got a call from Steve to meet him at a local bar and then he calls again with this whole thing about how he beat the "pulp" out of this cross dresser and how there were cops coming for him and then he hangs up. So I figured he was bullshitting me, so I told him to hold on and that I was going to call his father, since his father has some pull with NYPD. Then he texts me not to, so I call him back and everything seems ok and fine. I turned my phone off and he's been texting me and calling me bc when I turned it back on, I had like 6 texts... what a fucking asshole! I am officially done with him. I blocked him from my Facebook and I am seriously thinking of blocking his numbers from my cell phone and home phone.

I am so done ... with friends, family, everyone!

Holy white stuff in my pants! :)

2010-04-21T00:33:00.000-04:00

So I just saw this on Just Jared .... Holy hotness! I love me some Kris Allen ... mmmmm....

See them all @ http://justjared.buzznet.com/2010/04/18/kris-allen-shirtless/

The Confusious Jared has returned...

2010-04-19T03:13:00.003-04:00

So from a multitude of inspiration, I think I am back from my lull ...

I was recently reflecting and after tonight's episode of Brothers & Sisters, I've decided to change my outlook on life...

Recently, I've been down in the dumps ... I've begun to seriously hate my job to the point of which I almost walked off. I'd wake up every morning feeling like P-Diddy ... just kidding ... couldn't help myself ... I love that song! :)

Anyway ... I'd wake up every morning with such negativity. I'd hate the fact that I'd have to go to work, not because I hate working, but because I hated having to go specifically to the place where I work. I've been there for almost 5 years now (July 25 will make it official) and I am still considered "entry-level". I am far well beyond that and my boss knows it. She's the one giving me all the work to do and I have yet to be recognized for any of it. Two years ago, when I got my review, I was given a substantial raise, but the only reason it was "substantial" was because they had already anticipated that we weren't getting any raises the next year. This year, it's up in the air. They haven't said no, but they haven't said yes either.

Anyway - so with that said, I've been dwindling on these said facts and it's been eating at me. My boss, like most, I guess, isn't exactly the easiest to deal with. She truly sucks at management and her methods, well let's just say they're lacking ... She does things to all of us that is just plainly not right. She treats us like prisoners and in all honesty, people at the company are afraid to ask for help from my department because of how she is. She literally treats us like she signs our checks and that we work solely for her and not for the company.

Now I am never one to speak so ill of a person to solely help me, so I will admit she has her moments. I've dealt with her outside of work and she is peaches and cream. Generally, she is a decent person, but as I had stated about her before, she tends to have "good days" far sporadically than her "bad days". Basically, she is the opposite of most human beings when it comes to work. More bad than good ..

So anyway ... we recently got into it because she tends to hear what she wants to hear and she tends to react before thinking and then when she makes an ass out of herself, she looks to justifying it by blaming others. So basically we're working on this project. We've contracted this company, which she happens to be part owner of (no conflict of interest there, right??), to redo one of our main systems. This same company recently redid a similar system for Toronto, Canada. It turns out that one of the employees at this company did a lot of the footwork for Toronto. Now when it's our turn (and probably mainly because my boss is part owner), we have to do a lot of the footwork ourselves.

So we started this process of coding and as we're going along, we're being fed piecemeal code. So we have to constantly go back to what we marked as complete and add these bits and pieces of code in and make the modifications. We've probably done this about 10 times already - no joke. So now that we finally got all the pieces of code in and finally get the code to work, we finish up one of the parts and got everything to look how we wanted. My boss decides to go to this company (they're about an hour away) and pay them a visit and brings everything with her. One of the developers there looks at what we did and basically told us how we did it wrong and how to do it right. While I had him on the phone, I did what he suggested and surprise, surprise, it didn't work. So he said how he'd have to get back to me and I said ok. Then my boss pipes in and said we should continue working. So I said to her that I wasn't going to continue working until the developer got back to us with a proper solution. Basically... why continue incorrectly when you're going to have to redo everything anyway.. so she took that as how I quit on the project and how I said that I'm not doing it anymore. So when she gets in the next day, she calls me into her office and we get into it and I walked out.

So since then I've been miserable. Every day I go to work all negative and when I see her car pull into the parking lot, I seriously get a sinking feeling in my stomach. Not necessarily fear that I will be fired, but just the fact that the bitch has arrived and now we have to be prisoners in a room for the rest of the day ... just not healthy.

Then I started to factor in the whole - I'm 24 and still living at home and I fucked up my life with my credit and I'm at a dead end because I can't go anywhere ...

So basically ... I was in a bad place. I got my tax return back and sent it all to American Express. I had about $500 left to pay and I just did on Friday. So because I paid it in full, they're going to reinstate my card and now I can hopefully get back on track with my finances. It has become such a weight off my shoulders, you don't even know. Once I get that card, I am placing it in a zip-loc bag, filling said bag with water, and placing said bag in the freezer. This way I am not tempted at all ... :)

So that really helped turn things around for me. My parents have just become annoying as ever, constantly calling me if I'm not home at 5:05, since it takes me less than 5 minutes to get home from work. If I go out, they're calling me at all hours of the morning asking me where I am. They've become stifling and I just can't deal with it much longer. I am toying with the idea of a steady second job so that I can move out ... work on the weekends, see what I can do. This whole dream of me having a company of my own just isn't panning out. Business is slow and if I dwindle on that dream any longer, then I'll always be living at home.

Seriously ... after watching Ugly Betty, she really inspired me to take a chance in life - accept change and embrace it. I've been saying that I want to move to California and I think I am officially setting a goal to make it happen.

One thing for sure, is that I am a family-oriented guy. It will be hard to leave what I know here in New York, but thinking back to it (and again from UB), my parents left everything they knew and took a risk to move to the US (Yes, they were immigrants, turned US citizen). They left their families to find a better life. They took the risks head on and struggled, like most, and made it to where they are today without ever looking back. I feel that it's time that I man up and take the risks head on and make the move. Granted, it's not to another country, but it is an entirely different world for me.

From tonight's episode of Brothers and Sisters, as Sarah had accepted as her daily mantra, "It will all work out", I've come to start accepting that as my life mantra. If you truly believe in something and have hope and faith, it will work out. That is now my positive outlook on life. I'm not going to be naive about it, but I am going to try my best to find myself again and do what I once had always done- look for the silver lining in things again. Stay positive and just let things play its course.

Look ... I decided to stop appearing so desperate Steve and Mike and they've been texting me instead of me having to text them. Steve actually asked me to come over tonight and I did go, but only after I was done with my dinner plans. Once I've showed that I'm not into them (although I totally am.. hehe), they've seem to come to me and I kind of like it.

To be honest, I've been focusing on me and that's why I haven't had time to even play into their games. I didn't do it intentionally, but either way, it seems to have worked in my favor. I've just been so busy with school and really trying to get good grades so that I can just graduate already, that I've been so focused on that, that they haven't crossed my mind. You know what? It is what it is ... que sera sera...

I really need to set my goals and get back on track. I've paid off a major debt, now to focus on saving money so that when I graduate, I will have some money to possibly get myself into my own place. I will hopefully find a better job, with higher pay, so that I can continue to keep said place, plus I will need to pay my student loans back as well. So I still have a lot of milestones to hit and I need to stay focused ...

So anyway .. it's now after 3AM and I have work in about 5 hours ... time for some sleep .. Just remember ... It will all work out... Oh ... and sorry for the extremely long entry!

xoxo,
J

All things new...

2010-04-18T15:59:00.000-04:00

So if you haven't noticed, A Closeted Gay Boy has gone under a facelift ... New design, new layout, new hot guys ... all new! :)

I actually did the design, so I hope you all like it. Tell me how much you like it (or don't like it) by voting to the right over there... ---->

Anyway ... with the new design done, I actually want to reach out to the readers to get suggestions for new sidebar men ... lol - yes, that's what I'm calling them ..- the two hotties to the left and the right of the blog .. I can swap them out at any time ... so send me a link to a pic or their names and then once I get a few, I will post it up on my blog and the two who win will be on my blog ... can you say "interaction" ... lol

Well ... start commenting ... hopefully this will spark many to comment instead of the usual people that do ... not that I don't like those that normally do ... just wish I had more, that's all ... :)

Well comment away with suggestions! Looking forward to them! :)

xoxo,
J

Quickie ... update that is ... ;)

2010-04-18T01:23:00.000-04:00

So just a quickie .. :)

This past week, I hadn't initiated any conversations with Steve. Last Saturday I had sprained my ankle ... it was bad ... twisted it up and went straight down on my knees (not in the good way!) - least to say, it was PAINFUL. He texted me on Sunday and I had told him about the ankle.

I didn't hear a peep from him throughout the entire week. I was tempted to initiate a conversation, but I didn't. I was a good boy. I have been having problems at work with my boss (another story for another time), to the point where we got into an argument and I almost walked off. So since that argument, I did some spring cleaning on my computer at work and I didn't log onto MSN messenger the whole week. I had to restart my computer and when I did on Thursday, MSN auto-logged in and that was when he messaged me.

Again, throughout the entire week, I didn't hear from him. No phone calls or texts. He finally asked how I was feeling with my ankle and I made small talk with him and that was it. It turned out that we both were going to the exact same party in the city and I hinted at meeting him there, but he didn't really say yes or no and of course I ended up not going. It was raining and I didn't feel like traveling by myself into the city.

So anyway ... in an effort to keep this a "quickie" --- basically, I didn't hear from him and I didn't cave and initiated communication with him. I was not "desperate" ... lol - can you say "growth"? XD

And on another note -- I finally paid off my American Express debt and they're going to reinstate my card ... Thank god that headache is over with! Hopefully this will seriously help my credit score and I am praying that I can bounce back from that mistake! Ugh!!

Well that's it for now ... I guess...

xoxo,
J

It really is over! :(

2010-04-12T23:29:00.000-04:00

So tomorrow is the actual SERIES FINALE of Ugly Betty! I really can't believe that ABC decided to let this show go! It was finally getting good and now they're just ending everything so abruptly! I just can't believe it. I loved to get lost in the fast paced world of Ugly Betty. I seriously would love to have her life sometimes - living in the city, having an awesome job, etc.

Well anyway, I am very sad that they've ended the show. I noticed that "The Deep End" hasn't continued, but I just looked and apparently they had already completed their season finale. I was surprised that they only had 5 episodes in their first season, but at least that's not canceled (yet). I mean I started getting into Eastwick and now that's canceled as well ... Ugh ... why do I bother getting into shows!? :(

-J

Another great movie ...

2010-04-12T02:55:00.000-04:00

So it's been a while since I took a stroll down the Gay Netflix Channel on my Blu-Ray player... but tonight I did and I watched a movie that I had bookmarked a while back called Latter Days.

It's about a super hottie that plays a Mormon who discovers that he is gay and has to come to terms with the fact that he is the complete opposite of everything that he believes in and has been taught. He meets another super hottie who lives in the same complex where he's staying, who's completely gay, and this said hottie picks up that he's curious, to say the least, and leads him on.

That's all I'm going to say because for those who haven't seen it, I don't want to spoil it. I thought it was well done and I really liked it a lot. Let's just say that I hope that I find the love that was found in the movie. I completely can relate to what the hottie Mormon was faced with - leaving everything that he knows and loves for a guy, whom he doesn't know if it will work out with or not, or leaving the guy behind and going home to live a miserable life. I'm not Mormon (thank goodness and no offense), but I do kind of feel like I have the same ultimatum - leave everything behind that I know and love, like my parents and my siblings and my niece, to live an openly gay life where I can find true happiness, or set every feeling aside to do the "right" thing and satisfy my parent's wish to get married and give them grandchildren... I have become so used to the life that I currently live that it's really hard to turn my back on everyone. I know that I can count on some family members, like my sister, for acceptance, but then again, you never know, she could be the most appalled one... ugh ...

Anyway... nothing like me turning this into something about me ... right? Argghhh ... it's what I do ....

Ugh... anyway ... look at the movie, comment back and let me know what you think It was awesome, amazing, and I absolutely loved it!! :)

xoxo,
J