A Commitment to Commit

2012-07-09T11:34:00.000-07:00

So, this is my latest attempt to keep myself on track...I really like it so far, but I really liked a lot of other things I've done in the past :-(. Still, I've committed to it! It is really very simple...I'm allowing this to get the better of me, and it has to stop! ONWARD AND UPWARD!!!

<a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"><img border="0" src="http://tickers.myfitnesspal.com/ticker/show/2494/9170/24949170.png" /></a><p style="text-align:center;width:420px;"><small>Created by MyFitnessPal - <a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com">Nutrition Facts</a> For Foods</small></p>

Been Gone Too Long...WTH Happened

2012-06-25T14:52:00.000-07:00

I think about blogging at least once a week...don't know exactly why I've been gone so long, but I'd venture to say it's got something to do with that dang committment issue!

As usual, I got too close to that place...you know the one where I am really losing weight and looking/feeling great...too close is close enough for me to run like hell in the other direction! It's what I do...remember???

I didn't realize the date of my last blog post....way too long ago! I'm back...as of right now!

I changed up a few things...doing the same thing as "last time" never works for me. Hoping that this is the time I stick it out and see it through. You never know!

Not even gonna try to figure out what happened, what went wrong, what changed...how I ended up here AGAIN...don't care!

Just starting over, right now, right here, today!

Monday Sure Came Around Fast!

2012-02-13T12:24:00.000-08:00

I will not deny that I purposely tried not to think about this blog post this weekend. I knew Monday would get here and I would have to "update" things...OK, my new goal is to try not to dread Mondays and Fridays (Blog days). I should look forward to them. I should have so much to say and be excited about all my progress! But today, Monday just came around way too fast!

On one side of this, I had an extremely productive weekend. I always busy myself when I don't want to deal with 'stuff'...hey, it's either that or I watch t.v. and eat everything in site! Staying busy was my best move this weekend.

On the other side...I didn't workout at all this weekend. But, don't worry, I assured myself that because I was cleaning and moving furniture and tending to whatever my House (hubby, kids) needed, then that was my workout! Yep, made me feel better for a little bit. Then last night the guilt for not working out at all in the past 2 weeks completely set in!

Gonna try something different this week, but afraid to say what it is because I'm afraid that will keep me from following through...lol. Will report back on Friday and let you know if did it or not.

If I Do It...I Do It All The Way

2012-02-10T10:28:00.000-08:00

This may have to become my new motto. In collecting my thoughts for today's blog...you know, because I said I would be blogging on Mondays and Fridays, and I am trying to stick to that commitment...I have come to the conclusion that if I am going to really do this, then it will have to be all or nothing. And since I don't think anyone is really reading my blogs, then why not!

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I really hate when people struggling with their weight use this as an excuse! I don't in any way intend to go that route. It is what it is and I have totally dealt with this and put it in it's place a long time ago. However, because it is a part of who I am, I figured this is probably a good place to start. It wasn't until a few years ago that I even began to associate the fact that I was abused as a child, with the fact that I can only loose a certain amount of weight and then I sabotage myself until I gain it all back and then some. The struggle is so much more in my own head!

This is true with so many areas of my life. I can only commit to a certain extent. I can only let people know certain parts of me...nobody will ever know the whole truth and nothing but the truth me. Why? In the beginning I used to think it was so amazing that I had linked these two things together and now for sure I would be able to stop doing this to myself...I was so excited to finally have a reason that I had been in this vicious cycle of losing/gaining and I could finally just lose it and be done with it, right...WRONG!

I know that my childhood has everything to do with everything. I know that I am who I am because of everything I've been through...as a child and, subsequently, as an adult. The link is there, I found it, YAY! me.............NOW WHAT :-(.

Holy BlogSpot...Has it Really Been This Long!?!

2012-02-06T10:51:00.000-08:00

Admittedly, I tend to 'ignore' that which makes me uncomfortable...doesn't everyone??? My commitment level has been very low lately, even for me! But, I'm BACK...I want to be back, anyway...

It is long term commitment I have the most issue with, so from now on I will commit to one week at a time. (Baby steps.) I will blog on Mondays and Fridays...just before the weekend and just after the weekend...makes sense to me. Yes, that sounds like a great plan!

Knowing that I must first address what is in my head to fix what is wrong with my body is one thing, but doing it is another thing altogether! OK, I don't actually think there is something 'wrong' with my body...I guess. Doc says I need to lose at least 50 lbs...but it is really more like 60! How the hell do I still have the 60 lbs on me that I gained over 20 years ago with my second pregnancy!?! Who does that?? OMG...

Baby steps, right? Alright, I have decided to do this 10 lbs at a time. So, I MUST commit to do whatever it takes to lose 10 lbs by the end of March! Totally doable, I know this can be done...one week at a time between now and March 31.

I did say whatever it takes... so, the first thing I will address in my head is:

Friday's blog post...Oy vey

Momma Said There'd Be Days Like This

2011-11-09T12:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes there are many, sometimes, not so many...I'm definitely having a few in a row right now.

Dear blog, I have thought about you often the past few weeks. That is all.

:-(

Oh, What a Tangled Web We Weave

2011-10-21T08:26:00.000-07:00

I have actually been avoiding my next blog (this one) because I didn't do anything I said I was going to do in my last blog...wth, it's like I thought the blog gods would punish me or something! This is my dang BLOG and I will mess up if I want to! Yes, I probably need psychological help...my mind is a terrible thing to try to figure out! I was so concerned with what I had not done that I didn't even think about blogging (and bragging) that I bought a new pair of pants the other day and they are size 12!!!!

Needless to say, my gym time has not suffered...I have been going to both gyms (because one gym membership just wasn't enough!), and it is not really that hard to get myself to go anymore...thank goodness for the month of August! My issue is committing to more than one thing at a time...isn't it??? I just don't know what to think about this 'issue' anymore...

So, my previous commitments...well, the one that stands out the most is the state of my bedroom...you know, the bedroom that I was going to clean and organize. Very few people have seen the state of my bedroom. I am not a messy person, and I keep my house clean and organized. So, why is this such an issue in my bedroom....?....it has ALWAYS been. I never would have thought there might be a link between my issues with my weight and my not wanting to be even be in my bedroom, much less keep it clean and organized...but, WOW, there most definitely is a link! I've discovered this while diagnosing myself with the mental issues that have kept me in this fat suit for so long.

While glad that I have discovered this link, I'll admit that I am overwhelmed at the thought of now dealing with it. To think, I started writing this to force myself to commit to loosing weight once and for all....oh, boy is there more to this!

I have spent the last 25 years weaving and existing in my comfy little (or big) web! Now, how do I get out of it? One nasty string at a time.............

Sometimes I have so much to say that I cannot begin...

2011-10-05T13:46:00.000-07:00

Wow, this is so true at this moment! Will be back when I've cleaned it up a bit and can write what is on my mind without...well, cleaned up :).

It's been a very bizarre couple of weeks...feeling a little lost at this point.

On the upside...my commitment to the gym is slow and steady...but at least it's steady :). I belong to 2 gyms now and actually going to both of them! I went at 5:30 this morning and will be going again tonight...feeling great! Now, just gotta work on a few other areas of my life :-(

Commitment is a funny thing. A love/hate relationship for me. Have been thinking a whole lot about the lack of commitment I have in my life...no bueno!

I've decided to take on a new commitment...I commit to cleaning my bedroom, cleaning my closet and organizing my life by Sunday. That's what I said, Sunday...as in 4 days from now...Oh my lawd...I'll keep you posted............

Notes to myself: 1. my life is a wreck when my room is a wreck...why do not know this by now!
2. maybe it's time to admit...spicy stuff is starting to bother my 43 year tummy...waaah :-(
3. never let the sun go down on your anger...one of my personal favs!

The 'Wagon' is a Funny Thing

2011-09-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to get better at 'getting back on the wagon', I have been to the gym the past 4 days in a row! Will I stay on the wagon this time...who knows! I may still be 'playing the game'...so hard to tell anymore :(.

I did do something stupid this weekend...or maybe it was genius! Stupid or not, I'm pretty sure it can be viewed as obsessive...but I am what I am dangit! I joined, well, I guess a second gym...yes, memberships at 2 gyms...uggggh! I have a thing about using all the services I pay for...so, maybe that is all part of my master plan! Is there a method to my madness?!? We shall see......

A commitment to 2 gyms...HAHAHAHAHA

Crossing my fingers that it works :-)

OH, I almost got on the scale the other night...I wanna weigh myself sooo bad! I will NOT weigh in again until the end of October...I hope ;-).

Turns Out...I'm Actually Pretty Good At This Game

2011-09-21T10:31:00.000-07:00

The other day (and by that I mean two weeks ago) I was asking myself why in the world my one 'bad day' keeps turning into another and another. Everyone is allowed a 'bad day' right? Yes, that includes me! So, I didn't feel bad the first day...or three. Plus, everyone says, just let yourself have a bad day, then get right back on track the next day...HA! Liars!

I really did have an excuse for every day of the week. However, in the interest of keeping up with my "Commitment" issues, I decided to dig deeper. Then it hit me...I really am good at this game...OK, I'm not as good as I used to be :(. I can call myself out...so, I did.

My daughter left the country for 8 months...I'm allowed to be depressed! I had a birthday (I love my birthday!)...I'm allowed to party and enjoy being young and carefree, even if I like to stretch my birthday celebration out over a few weeks :). My van (and only vehicle) is having 'issues' right now and it's just not safe to drive to the gym...and so on, and so on! Point is...Shit Happens! Everyone knows this...

I know I haven't been to the gym in a week. I also know I was doing really good, I felt really good, my clothes is really big on me and people are really noticing (and telling me about it!). Ah-HA...SABOTAGE! :(

WHY!? Why can I not get past this point already! Dangit!

I will attempt to get back on track today...will I succeed? I am tired, stressed, busy...all that other stuff. But, I am going to the gym after work...I AM!

Oh, You Mean This is Something I Have to Keep Working on???

2011-09-08T10:30:00.000-07:00

Having a bad day...a couple of bad days...ok a bad 8 days! Can't put my finger on it, but there was definitely something different about the month of August. Why was my commitment (you know, the one I didn't quite keep in August) so much easier to 'try' to keep?? September...not so much! :(

Ok, here is where I tell you that I have a real 'psychological' issue with people noticing that I'm loosing weight. Ikr...how can it bother me that people notice and compliment me...omgoodness, isn't that the point!?! I have had many a conversations with myself regarding this little issue of mine...yea, myself doesn't get it either so she's no help!

This is no doubt the reason that I have been on this yo-yo for all these years. I get to a certain point, start to really see a difference, start getting nice compliments and words of encouragement from people....and that's it! It's like I put the car in reverse! :(

I only just identified this 'issue' of mine a couple years ago...yes, I said years :(...and I have stopped asking why...I don't even know that I care why anymore! I just want to push through this part once and for all! This year I decided that I would start telling anyone that would listen about this issue I have discovered I have (that poor lady on the bus). Maybe if I get it out there, let people know what a weirdo I am, it would somehow make me wanna not sabotage myself when I get to this point.

Is it working?? Not at this moment, no...it is not! One day at a time, right...that is what I said...right??

Sooo, for this day...I will make good food choices and do some form of exercise...I WILL!

One More Month...Maybe or Maybe Not

2011-09-02T09:31:00.000-07:00

I felt so good about my decision to extend my commitment another month...yesterday! Today, not so much :(...maybe it's because I now realize that it will be almost impossible to go every single day with our one car situation. I won't always have a ride on nights that Angel works (can't depend on Debbie this month because she's back in school and has a bizzillion jobs and I don't know how she goes to the gym at all!). Maybe it's because my wonderful husband put me in a very bad mood this morning. OR maybe it's because I saw a picture of myself last night that made me wonder WTH I am even going to the gym for...yuck! Yea, that's probably what it is...I hate myself in pictures!

FAT FACE!

A whole month later and I still see no change in my fat face! My clothes are big on me, my feet and hands have even lost weight. What is the deal with my fat face!?! OMG, what if I get skinny and still have a FAT FACE! Wait a tic...maybe I need to re-think this! Just kidding...I was just trying to find an excuse to go get a donut from the office kitchen ;-\. (Donut Fridays are hard!)

Is it enough to say that I will go every day possible?? Maybe I can commit to doing some other form of excercise on the days that I can't make it to the gym...that is totally doable. BUT that would be a whole new commitment! Uggggh...this is just crazy talk! I am not ready for that kind of commitment...NO, I don't care what you say, I am NOT ready!

Ohmmmmm. I will just take it one day at a time...for today.

I Failed Again...or Did I??

2011-09-01T09:14:00.000-07:00

The bad news is that I failed at my commitment to the gym every day for the month of August.........ok, I'm choosing to put this as a very 'gray area' category :). I went to the gym EVERY DAY for the first 26 days of the month. We went camping on the 26th so I got up at 5:30am to get my gym time in before leaving town (who does that!?). The 27th was spent floating the river and I got a really good work out that day...rowing that raft was no joke! We got back in town early enough on the 28th for me to go to the gym, but I was so completely wiped out from the weekend, and super soar from rowing, that I did not go :(. I went on Monday, the 29th, skipped the 30th and went the 31st.

My point here is that I only skipped a few days! I did better than I ever have before, so that's something... right?? Today is the 1st...a new day, a new month...I will try it again! Yea, I said it...I am gonna try it again!

Other than my birthday, I don't see any other reason why I can't go every day this month. So...here we go...

Stressing about NOT being able to go to The Gym!

2011-08-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

Never thought I'd hear myself say that! I will not be able to go to the gym this Saturday...it will be the only day this month that I won't go to the gym. I've been stressing about it all week! The gym has become my habit, or perhaps my obsession. I wake up thinking about what workout/machines I will do that night at the gym and I think about it all day until it's time to go to the gym...What the Hey! When did this happen?

Now, I have no idea how I will handle things once my commitment is up. Will I keep going, will my habit "stick", or will I just be glad it's over and say I did my time and move on?...I don't know either :(.

What I do know is that we are taking our annual camp/float trip this weekend and my plan is to NOT think about the gym until I get back on Sunday. I'm gonna try anyway. My plan is to workout early on Friday then late on Sunday, so Saturday is the only day I don't go to the gym.

It sounds like a good plan and I am very excited about a weekend away...so why am I stressing about it!?! I have gone from not being able to commit to any exercise program to now obsessing over one! I am even thinking about joining a SECOND gym.....................What have I done to myself??? :-)

Quitting is not an Option...Right??

2011-08-18T14:01:00.000-07:00

15 days straight and I gained a pound! Oh yea, I was really ready to quit...what the heck!?! Talk about mad! I start to tell everyone I know what a joke this whole thing is...I mean, really??, I go to the gym, kill myself for an hour...everyday for 15 days, and I gain weight! This is just wrong!

I left my WW meeting on Tuesday thinking that I was going to go home that night, eat a big dinner (of whatever I wanted!), relax and not even think about going to the gym! I have been so behind on all my evening tv watching, and forcing myself to go to the gym...even if it's 10 p.m.! I was almost relieved to think that I could just stop stressing and not even bother anymore. I could just go back to going to the gym once a week...maybe, if I had time and nothing to watch on tv. After all, if the results were the same as before I started this gym thing, then why bother...right?

Of course, by the time I got home, I realized that I really wasn't being honest and that what I was really doing was looking for yet another excuse to QUIT! I went to the gym that night...

While I was being honest, I went ahead and admitted that I have NOT been very good at counting points and keeping up with what I have been eating...ok, ok, I fell into that "well, I'm working out like a mad women so surely I can eat whatever I want" thing. Didn't even realize I was doing it! Wow, the mind can be very tricky...lol.

I felt much better after my workout that night, and after talking it all out with Debbie! I decided that that would be the end of my pity party...and that this commitment is only worth the effort if I am making all the necessary changes in my lifestyle...working out is not enough :(.

To answer my own question...Quitting is NOT an option!

Day 10...Could it be Getting Easier!

2011-08-10T08:40:00.000-07:00

So, I pushed through the weekend...yay! My wedding anniversary celebration seemed to last all 3 days :). While that was very nice, making it to the gym Friday through Sunday was soooo hard. I'll admit it, I was not in a very good mood when I left the house on those 3 days :(. However, every time, about 2 minutes into it, I was so glad I had made it to the gym!

After the weekend, I had a candid conversation with myself. I said "self, you really need to quit punishing everyone around you with your bad moods when it's time to go to the gym!". I agreed with myself and decided to start fresh on Monday...with a better attitude.

My workouts have gotten easier/better by the day. Am I starting to get used to going to the gym?! Wait, who said that!?! ;-)

I also made the decision to cut my Weight Watcher meetings back to every other week, instead of every week. Seeing that number every week has become a real stressor for me. I have decided not to concentrate so much on that number. I do need the meetings, so I'm not gonna stop going completely. After all, I did say (back in February) I would do WW's for at least one year. I had completely forgotten about saying that...probably because I have made that 'commitment' to WW's twice before and not kept it! But, I have been going all this time, and I feel pretty committed to seeing this one through. Yay, I'm still going to meetings 6 months later!

I actually caught myself trying to think of what my next 'committment' would be when my 30 days are up at the gym. I know, I know...one commitment at a time, right?? Or two? Who knows, maybe I will get used to committing and end up keeping a few commitments at once! Who knows.............

Motivation...Is A Great Thing

2011-08-05T19:07:00.000-07:00

I made it to day 5! Normally I struggle to get in the gym once or twice a week...so, I'm feeling pretty good about this week. I had to talk myself into it every night and, most nights, Debbie counting on me was the only reason I went, but looking back, it wasn't so bad. Maybe there is truth to the whole 'everything becomes a habit after doing it every day for a few weeks'. That's what I'm going to chose to believe...this week :).

Oh yea, the motivation...I definitely had some of that today! When I started this blog I promised my husband that I would keep him out of it...so, I will only say that when I am 'upset' with him (for something that was totally HIS fault), my work out is definitely more intense. I will be sore tomorrow for sure. Alright, I was pretty pissed!

Lucky for him, I worked it all out and I feel so much better...physically and mentally. I'm not even mad anymore :). Which is a good thing because tomorrow is a very big day for him and me...

The weekend will be the hardest for me. I am kinda worried about it already :(. I do plan to find a different kind of motivation tomorrow...no fights tomorrow, it's a big day :).

I need to clean the cabinets tonight and make sure there are no potato chips in sight............

What was I thinking?!?

2011-08-04T10:54:00.000-07:00

3 down and 28 more to go. It sounded like a great idea...'hey, we should commit to going to the gym every day for the whole month of August and just see what happens'. That was 3 days ago. Not wanting to disappoint my friend/new workout buddy, my answer...'Ooookay'.

You should know that my weight has been a big struggle in my life for at least 20 years. I am a yo-yo for sure. I have had some good success (and some not so good success) through the years. I have never starved myself and I have always tried to ere on the 'healthy' side of trying to loose weight...but, I will admit to a few fads. My goal, to loose 60 lbs.

So, the question here is not was this a great idea? That answer is simple: enough is enough! I need to loose this weight, I pay for a gym membership that I hardly use, my gym is less than 2 miles from my house and most times my friend picks me up (I don't even have to drive there!), and finally...after 20 years, I know what works and what doesn't work (for me). And I know that my best weight loss has been when exercise is involved.

OK, so then, what is the problem???

My commitment level sucks! I can't ever stick to it for very long. I start out great! After a while (even when I am seeing results), for whatever reason, I completely sabotage myself!

In an attempt to "work" on this, I have decided to try to concentrate on my "Commitment to Commit"!

3 days down, 28 to go...