A Complex Delirium

Thoughts.

2013-08-06T18:15:00.003-07:00

It's been ages since I've posted anything.
I haven't felt up to it, truthfully. There's something about being vulnerable that isn't attractive to me like it used to be. But it still is at the same time. It feels complicated.

I have been looking to journal, recently. Avoid the vulnerability all together. But there's something about being connected, and feeling like maybe, I'm helping someone out there that still makes me want to keep this stupid thing. But this blog is plagued with negativity. Some thought provoking stuff, but mostly depressed teenage rantings, and the like. I've thought about starting a new blog. Starting fresh. And I'm still considering it. Because part of me still needs me little corner of the internet. But I would want to start brand new. Probably just for my art, poetry, and the like.

I've been good lately. Nothing scary or irrational. I've had lots of good days. I even started a new job. But, I just miss having friends. I love my family and husband. But I want to find somebody that will sit and drink tea with me, and talk about our tiny placement in the universe. I really miss my best friend Suz. But she's on the other side of the world from me.

So I'm taking applications for a best friend.

I just need someone who:

Likes deep conversations.
Is a coffee/tea enthusiast.
Can laugh until it hurts.
Is cool with me being married.
Doesn't mind if I swear a bit too much.
Loves God, but isn't preachy.

6 Months.

2013-06-29T03:02:00.001-07:00

Happy 6 months to us Bubba.

I love you to the moon and back.

Is it such a thing?

2013-05-27T01:21:00.000-07:00

Is there such a thing as universal love?

I have grown up my entire life as a Catholic in Mormon Valley. It wasn't always easy, but somehow I made it work. I even married someone whose entire family is Mormon. Dave and I have never had a problem with it. Dave considers himself Christian. And that works well for us. In recent thinking, I've thought a lot about christianity, and what we all claim to share. The "universal message" that we all think we possess.

"Love thy neighbor as thyself."

It's a simple statement really. Much stronger than the good old golden rule.

But we don't listen to it. We don't practice the very words that we preach. It's so easy. So freaking easy to pass judgement. That person is too fat. That person is too ugly. That person is black. That person is a jew, catholic, mormon, agnostic, baptist, atheist, muslim. That person is gay. That person is a slut. That person cuts her skin, she must hate herself. That person is depressed. That person is crazy. That person has too many tattoos and piercings. That person isn't GOOD ENOUGH.

It's so easy. I would be lying if I said I had never judged someone for being different from me. And you would be lying if you told me you'd never judged or made an assumption about someone just based off of first glance.

Where is the love for one another? Where is the genuine concern for those around us? If someone is crying in public, our first instinct is to ignore them to avoid an awkward situation. When we should be comforting them. Offer them a tissue. A small act of kindness.

I think I struggle with this concept a lot because of where I live. Like I said, I have always been a little different. I have been a catholic in mormon valley. I had a friend Norma, who was also catholic. We dealt with it very differently. She accepted where she lived. She had lots of friends. Was popular. Went to church regularly. I saw her every sunday. But she didn't feel the need to wear her religion on her sleeve.
I wanted to be more radically different than my religion. I wanted to be heard. For all of the pain and confusion I had suffered throughout my childhood. I was told several times as a child that my beliefs were wrong. I had parents who wouldn't let their children hang out with my just because I was catholic. So therefore, I wasn't good enough. So I chose my path in high school. I spoke my mind. I thought differently than the norm. I struggled with depression and self harm, and I rode that pony. I wanted people to see that I was struggling. I was too good for everyone else. I didn't want to morph into THEM. As I've been married into an LDS family, I have that little things bother me. My brother and sister-in-law are getting married in the temple in 2 weeks. I am so happy they found each other and are getting married. But it has always offended me that unless you are sealed and married in the temple, that your marriage isn't held as highly. Sometimes I have a hard time praying with them. Which is silly. Because we all believe in the same God. The same merciful God who loves us. It annoyed me that no one looked at my tattoo when I initially displayed it. But I knew they would talk about it after I left. It makes me sad that I make myself feel like I don't fit into my own family. But I had a moment last week. My sister-in-laws and I were having a conversation about eating and exercising, and how much it sucks to try to lose weight. And I realized. I'm just not that different. I may have different beliefs. And I may have tattoos and swear too much. But we're all pretty similar. We're all almost married into the same family.

And after a lot of guidance and counseling, I realize, isolating myself, and acting standoffish, makes them feel just as much pain and rejection as I feel when I act that way. And though I may not feel 100% comfortable in the family yet, I am on my way there. And that feels good. Really good. And I want to feel love.

That's the thing. We may judge each other, but in the end, most of us that consider ourselves christian guide with kindness. We pray for each other. We help a neighbor when they are ill. We parent each others children. We cry for what hurts the ones we love.

But we are human.

And that's what makes us so different from Him whom we worship.

There is such a thing as universal love.

It's God. The God who brought us here. Gave us the challenges and strengths that we have. He's the One who gave us our families, our friends, our pets. He gave us our lives.

And that, is universal love.

I love my family. Both of them.

Jaws.

2013-05-26T04:26:00.002-07:00

P-town is here for it's monthly visit. Almost exactly on time, as per usual. I always forget how bad it is. Yeah in girl talk, everyone tries to one-up each other in horrific bleeding through your pants stories, but seriously. THIS FREAKING HURTS!!!! And I always know THE SECOND it hits. My mood makes a terrifying shift, and then I suddenly become a black beady-eyed monster...you know. I have the temperament of a pissed shark...

RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIFFFFEEEE!!!!!

I want to get all TMI, and I think I will.

Pads vs. Tampons.

That's a hard call. On one hand, tampons are great, and you don't need to worry about destroying your favorite pair of panties you've ever owned. On the other hand, it makes your cramps about 100 times worse.

Pads take care of the cramping problem, but if you sit just the slightest angle off, you're dealing with a real mess...

End awkward topic.

I have the whole kit and caboodle this time around.

I have:

A giant break out on my forehead....(thank God for fringe bangs...)

Backache.

Headache.

Nauseated.

CRAMPS. The kind of cramps that laugh at ibuprofen....bitches...

Grumpier than a grizzly bear coming out of hibernation...I would imagine them being grumpy as can be.

Freaking tired.

Apathetic.

Sore boobies.

Yup. E'rthing.

Normal girl shit.

Here's my question for the universe....nnnkey?

Why can't we just send a little text to the stork when we're ready to have babies? Why do we have to bleed for a week? This makes NO SENSE to me. NONE.

This has been another segment of periodisms with Alex Shuey.

Thank you for joining us.

Happy again.

2013-05-23T03:11:00.001-07:00

My emotional storm has passed. Things are alright.

Truthfully, I think being happy is kind of scary. Because I constantly feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. But guess what? Sometimes, the other shoe doesn't fall for a long time. And that means it's okay to smile, and feel happy.

I'm happy today because:

|I'm not tired. That's a rare thing nowadays.

|Dave and I are seriously great. I married the greatest guy in the world. He makes me laugh every single day, and we snuggled extra long today.

|We bought a BRAND NEW CAR. It's a Subaru 2013 CrossTrek. It's our car (but it's mostly my car...) I absolutely love it. It drives like butter. And it has air conditioning!!!!

|I seriously have the best family in the freaking world. My older sister is always watching out for me. I had a doctor's appointment last week, and he prescribed me all sorts of things to "fix" the problem. Sara took the time to read up on the meds, and suggest natural ways to deal with it. I am now on a fiber supplement, a probiotic, and am trying really hard to eat good and healthy food. I am committed to exercising everyday. Even if it's 20 minutes. (I'm hoping rock-climbing becomes a regular addition to this.) She loves me so much. My little sister Soph and I have become besties again. I was quite the bitch to her right after I got married. And I don't really have a good reason for it. So I decided to act like her sister. Be her friend. And truthfully, it's benefitted me so much more than she could ever imagine. My daddy just had his birthday and my brother's about to have his. I am so lucky to be a sister and a daughter to such incredible men. My dad is such a gentle soul. He gives the best hugs. And PJ, oh man. PJ is just awesome. We can talk about anything. Seriously. Momma's really helped me get out of this funk lately. Sometimes I need to hear the hard truth. From someone I respect and love deeply. And she always knows how to put it, so that my feelings aren't completely raw, but I get the picture.

|I love my Shuey family!!! I am so so so so so excited for Brian and Kelsey to get married!!! I am really getting close to my sister in laws, which brings me so much happiness. We are going to be in each other's lives forever. Might as well be good friends!!! Cindy has been great lately. She helped us get our car, and has really helped me with my gardening endeavor.

|I've been feeling so successful. I worked for about a week straight. Every single night. And it was the best thing in the whole world for my self esteem. I really connect with my residents, and I really do make a difference. Even if it's just in 1 person's life. If I can make them feel more comfortable, less embarrassed, more happy, more cheerful, more anything, then I am doing something great.

|I am making some seriously beautiful jewelry. Which thrills me. I've been so busy, that I need to buy more hemp!!!!

|God loves me. And that is always enough.

|Dave loves me. And I love Dave.

|Baby hunger is going away. Which is great. Because now I can focus on the things I want to do. I expect it to come back about every 3 days or so. Hahahahaha.

|Things are okay. And I'm okay. And life, even though overwhelming, can be okay.

2013-05-20T00:32:00.002-07:00

We spend our entire lives trying to gain control. Control of our bodies. Control of our minds. Control of our emotions. We fight for independence, and a sense self. We find independence in little things that we do that free us every single day. Things that make us value our very hearts and souls. There are moments in our lives that bring us to our knees. Moments that knock you flat on your ass, and you aren't sure what to do next. Life is all about self-control. And wanna know what's crazy? We never really reach it.

Right when we are done with the fight of life, and things are finally smooth and consistent, our bodies age. Our minds age. Your partner dies, and you are alone. You are sick. Your skin is weak, and bleeds. You can't remember things anymore.

You can't remember the last thing you ate.

You don't remember to use the bathroom.

Every morning you wake up in an unfamiliar place.

You meet these people in green shirts, that inform you that they are going to rotate you, and check your brief...because you can't control your bowels anymore.

You are embarrassed, but you can't remember why.

You roll, and it hurts. You cry out, they apologize.

And then you completely give up your control. You fight to control your last breath. And you're dead. You are free. You don't hurt anymore. You remember things with crystal clarity. You meet the love of your life for the first time in 30 years.

Working in assisted living is really hard sometimes. I've reach a point where I realize death is an unavoidable part of life, no matter how painful it is. Death is inevitable. The idea of dying still really frightens me. I've seen people completely deteriorate, and it's still hard to think that I will never see their white curly hair, or toothless grin again. I know they are better off. They don't hurt anymore. They have their memories and their minds back. They don't have the feel the shame and embarrassment of a 19 year old girl wiping their bum, because they don't have the control to use the bathroom on their own anymore. I pray with all my heart that it never happens to anyone that I love. That they will have the dignity of living independently in their own homes and still having bowel control, and dying in a place that they know. A place that they've experienced the essence of life.

Life is so beautiful. And so fragile.

Stop. Just. Stop.

2013-05-13T22:50:00.000-07:00

Everyone has it figured out. I get it. Everyone knows their God. Everyone knows their values and standards. Everyone is going on their journey. And whether it hurts, or it's the happiest they've ever been, they are starting to understand themselves more and more. Lucky them. The best, I must say, is everyone relaying the message to me. The clueless one. The one who needs to get a grip.

But guess what?

I don't want to hear about what YOU'VE discovered about life. Because it's your life. And that works for you. But sometimes it's not as simple or complicated as you make it out to be. And it's smothering. SMOTHERS me. If I'm not okay right now, that has to be okay with you. Because in the end, I'm always alright. Maybe not happy, but I'm alright.

I don't want to go on any journey right now. I don't want to learn how to love myself, or better myself. Because I don't want to. I don't want to write about how I've discovered that I actually have a lot of pent up anger. I don't want my head to feel like it's going to explode.

I'm just going to idle by.

Relaxing Dinner.

2013-05-13T18:17:00.001-07:00

Dave and I are going to have a relaxing evening, with a delicious dinner.

Steaks, corn, potatoes, cantaloupe and salad are on the menu.

Love is the easiest thing in the world. Especially when it's shared with someone who values you so much. I've had a pretty decent day today. Nothing extraordinary happened, but I was okay!

I'm looking forward to the summer, hoping that I go camping, and that I'm healthy and active.

Sunday Thoughts.

2013-05-12T22:37:00.003-07:00

I don't know what my purpose is in life. I don't. That doesn't mean that I want to die. It doesn't mean that I'm a risk to myself. It simply means that I wish I understood what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I'm married. So I feel selfish when I think this cryptically. But I can't help it. Because though I am a wife, my husband has his shit figured out. He's a nurse. Specifically a charge nurse. At 23 years old. And still he manages to be a wonderful husband. I'm a CNA. It's not a bad thing. But it's certainly not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life.

Motherhood has been on my mind frequently. Sariah (my dear friend) had her sweet Dahlia about 2 weeks ago, and my friend Kylee just found out that she is expecting. It's great for them. It seriously is. Sometimes, I just wish it was me. Not because of the hype or attention, but because I wonder if I would feel better about the direction of my life if I knew that I would be responsible for a little person in 9 short months. Dave and I aren't ready for that stage in our lives, and frankly my body isn't either.

My faith has been weak recently, and it makes me sad. I love God. And I believe. I believe with all that I am that everything in life happens for a reason. Sometimes it's just hard to see that reasoning when your circumstances in life don't make any sense. Nothing bad has happened to me. This is the most stable my life has ever been. But I have this translucent sadness that won't leave me alone. It pesters me, and sucks my energy. Eventually it wins. And I am tired, and don't want to get out of bad. I'm not hungry, but I eat anyway. I know God has placed certain people in my life to help me deal with this, but I wish I could figure out why I can't suck my own shit up, and just be fucking happy. It really shouldn't be that hard. Happiness. I'm married to great guy. I have a beautiful home. I have a good job. I have an amazing family.

But I'm so unhappy. I feel inadequate.

VOTE.

2013-05-09T09:29:00.000-07:00

Weddings are so expensive it's insane.

Anything that is labeled "wedding" whether that be dresses, venues, flowers, catering, photography, shoes, rings, anything- it becomes 10 times more expensive.

I was so blessed, and between my parents, my husbands parents, and my husband and I, we were able to pay for everything, and have all the details of our wedding that we wanted.

My friend Juliana is getting married. This girl is amazing. She's been dating her fiance for almost 3 years. That's eternity in the Utah Valley Dating Timeline!!!! But they are so in love, and their LOVE STORY is about the funniest thing in the world.

She has entered into a wedding photography contest. She is 200 votes behind. She told me she would take me on her honeymoon if she wins.

Help her win. She's paying for her wedding almost entirely on her own. She's a classy girl, and wants a classy wedding, and not having to pay for wedding photography means she can add another detail to help her accomplish her dream wedding.

Have you ever had a dream?

Help her achieve her dream.

http://www.charisjohnsonphotoblog.com/2013/05/06/wedding-giveaway-finalists-juliana-mike/

Scroll to the bottom of their picture. Click the little like.

https://www.facebook.com/charisjohnsonphoto?fref=ts

Find their picture.

Help them win. Even if you just like the picture. (Please share these links on facebook though. PLEEEAAAASSE?)

May 6: What Do I Do? (Non-work Related)

2013-05-06T19:03:00.001-07:00

I'm an artist.

I love everything about art, and what it can do to influence the soul.
Artists love deeply. And I am always in love with something. Especially my husband.

War With a Wasp.

2013-05-06T03:49:00.003-07:00

Bees are one of my greatest fears in life. So I wasn't exactly thrilled when I saw one buzzing around my ceiling fan. In fact, like any adult person would do, I fled the scene, and texted my husband.

"THERE'S A BEE IN OUR LIVINGROOM! (I tried to shoot it with the nerf gun, but I pissed it off."

He texts me back 2 words:

"Protect Krieger."

I put my grown up panties on, put some war paint on, and get ready.
I loaded our nerf guns to full capacity.
I had a cup and an envelope ready.

I took several shots at the wasp. The nerf approach wasn't the right approach.

So I spun the fan, and tried to force the wasp to move location. It moved....to the other light. So this time I clutched my zebra print flip flop, and tried to slap the damn wasp. Missed. The wasp wasn't happy, and angrily buzzed around the fan. We danced like this for about 20 minutes. Thinking to myself the entire time.

"I'm doing this for a damn bunny. Why the hell am I doing this for a bunny?"

Finally, the bee landed on one of the pull cords on the fan. So I put my Knott's Berry Farm cup around him, and trapped him with an envelope. I walked straight to my back door, and turned on the light, and opened the cup. The bee wasn't getting out. So I dumped him on the back step. Where he just kind of sat there.

This angered me.

I grabbed the polka dot rainboot next to me, and showed that stupid bee no mercy. I continued to stomp my boot onto that dead bee carcass for several seconds. Until I was satisfied knowing he was 100% dead. There would be no wasp apocalypse on my watch.

My skin is still crawling with goosebumps.

I hate bees.

May 5: Blog Love.

2013-05-05T15:47:00.003-07:00

Joanna Goddard of Cup of Joe.
She has posts about EVERYTHING.
And makes parenthood seem fun.

Nina Carpenter of NinasNeverland

She's one of my closest friends.

And she's a real person.

She's deep.

And fucking awesome.

Meg Livingston of M2story.

Her life is kind of a dream.

It makes me jealous.

But she's hilariously snarky.

And takes pretty pictures.

Alex Shuey of A Complex Delirium.

Wait. That's me.

I like reading my old stuff.

It reminds me of who I was.

And who I am now.

May 4: Quote I LOVE. (And Live By.)

2013-05-04T09:41:00.000-07:00

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

-Bob Marley

May 3: Things That Make Me Uncomfortable.

2013-05-03T22:22:00.001-07:00

Not a lot makes me feel uncomfortable. But there are a few.

1. Awkward conversationalists. Hint: I am one.
2. Eggs.
3. Big swarms of ants. *Instachills*
4. Spankies.
5. Infections of the skin.
6. Fruit flies.
7.Trying to quietly toot in public.
8. Dating website pop ups. (Why is it always women?)
9. Awkward engagement pictures/invitations.
10. Intense guys at Starbucks discussing abortions. Always uncomfortable.

May 2nd: Something I'm Really Good At.

2013-05-02T09:07:00.000-07:00

It may seem kind of lame, But I'm actually a really good CNA.

Being a CNA is difficult.

You can't be squimish. I wipe old people's bums for a living, so poop and bodily fluids can't, and truthfully don't make me sick.
You have to have the ability to get along with virtually anyone. Because you have to get along with all of the residents, and coworkers.
You have to understand the gentle balance of sympathy, and empathy.
You have to understand that the elderly aren't sad or grumpy with you. They are just lonely, and sometimes feel forgotten.
You have to remind yourself everyday that you wouldn't want to be doing anything else.

I was laughing with a coworker the other day, because we were talking about briefs, and the briefs that we prefer that the residents use. It occurred to me. I actually have a favorite brief, and a least favorite brief.

Exhibit A) Favorite brief:

These briefs are the best. They are 12 hour briefs, and so their absorbency power is amazing. It pulls the liquid away from the body, and allows for a much longer wearing time. Which in the end is more affordable for the resident.

Exhibit B) The most common brief:

Almost all of the residents use these briefs. They are not as expensive, and absorb pretty well. They're kind of a pain in the butt to put on when a resident is laying down, but it also gives the resident more dignity, as it is more like underwear, and less of a "diaper".

Exhibit C) The briefs I hate:

When I find a resident in this, I know it's going to be a long day. These briefs are awful. The exterior is made out of this very thin plastic material, and the tapes are super strong. That being said, the side tapes tear the plastic, and all of the gel that is in the part of the brief that does the absorbing work gets everywhere. And it's a pain in the ass to get all those stupid little beads. Also, they don't hold very much liquid, so you have to change residents much more frequently, (Checking them every 45 minutes instead of every hour and a half), and they sag, so you can tell residents are actually wearing a brief.

I absolutely love being a CNA. It's one of the most rewarding jobs out there.

Painting.

2013-05-02T00:44:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I hung out with Cailie and Nolle. It was so refreshing to spend some time with those girls. They give me such clarity and bring me so much happiness.

Cailie was painting a picture for her friend Jason. And so she had bought lots of paints and canvases, and invited Nib and I to paint with her. I only used a little tiny canvas, because I was a bit overwhelmed with the idea of painting for the first time in over a year. But let me tell you.

I finally found that missing puzzle piece of myself that I've been looking for everywhere. My inner artist was dying, and that's really who I am. I have an artist's soul. I speak my mind too often, I feel too deeply, and I'm easily seduced into whatever emotion I'm feeling that day.

But to paint. For the first time in a YEAR.

Was the most refreshing thing I've ever done. I didn't paint anything special. Just a sunflower, but the very smell of the paint made me feel like myself.

I missed the days where I was covered in paint because I had been painting half the night making up a project. I missed the soft music that I played, and the backache from bending over to paint on my floor. I missed it so so much.

I even missed having little flecks of paint in my hair.

I've been making jewelry. And that's helped my inner artist a lot. I feel good at something, and it's was nice to have a break.

But want to know the best part? I get to have both!

I'm even thinking about majoring in art again!!! (I wouldn't make any artist, but hey! I might be happy.)

Just kidding. I'm still planning on majoring in social work. BUT! I would love to incorporate art therapy someday.

Because that's what painting is for me. It's the deepest form of healing that I have access to. I can tap into the parts of my heart that are still hurting, or sad. I can feel the deepest happiness I've ever experience. I can help myself.

I'm an artist. That's really the largest part of my identity.

And I'm so happy to have it back.

May 1st: My life. And It's Story.

2013-05-01T22:49:00.000-07:00

250 words or less. Well. Great.

I was born to 2 parents that love me.

I had a blissfully happy childhood. Full of parties, cousins, grandparents, and the occasional friend.

I've been best friends with my best friend for over 15 years. We met when we were 4.

Junior high were some tough years for me but they were good practice because.

High school was almost the death of me. I had a really difficult time in high school. I was sad a lot, and had friends, but didn't have any REAL friends.

I met my husband my senior year of high school.

We fell in love quickly. And I knew he was the "it" guy for me. My soulmate, really.]

He loved me thoroughly. Even the super weird and goofy bits.

I got engaged in September 2012.

I was married in December 2012.

I've been married for 4 months.

(And we even have a bunny named Dr. Krieger!)

It's been the smoothest bumpy ride I've ever experienced.

I love my sisters.

I love my brother.

I adore my mother and father.

I am a girl named Alex.

And this is my life.

Here We Go Again.

2013-04-30T23:28:00.001-07:00

Well shit. I'm going to do another blog challenge. I'll actually try to finish this one, because the whole point of this blog challenge is to kind of rediscover your blogging personality. (If you're neglectful or angry like me.)

Day 1, Wednesday: The story of your life in 250 words or less (or one paragraph... no one will be counting your words... probably)
Day 2, Thursday: Educate us on something you know alot about or are good at. Take any approach you'd like (serious and educational or funny and sarcastic)
Day 3, Friday: Things that make you uncomfortable
Day 4, Saturday: Favorite quote (from a person, from a book, etc) and why you love it
Day 5, Sunday: Publicly profess your love and devotion for one of your blogger friends. What makes them great? Why do you love them? If you don't have blogger friends, talk about a real-life friend or even a family member
Day 6, Monday: If you couldn't answer with your job, how would you answer the question, 'what do you do'?
Day 7, Tuesday: The thing(s) you're most afraid of
Day 8, Wednesday: A piece of advice you have for others. Anything at all.
Day 9, Thursday: A moment in your day (this can be just a photo or both a photo and words)
Day 10, Friday: Most embarrassing moment (s). Spill.
Day 11, Saturday: Sell yourself in 10 words or less
Day 12, Sunday: What do you miss? (a person, a thing, a place, a time of your life...)
Day 13, Monday: Issue a public apology. This can be as funny or as serious or as creative as you want it to be.
Day 14, Tuesday: Ten things that make you really happy
Day 15, Wednesday: A Day in the life (include photos from throughout your typical day - this could be "a photo an hour" if you'd like)
Day 16, Thursday: Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it
Day 17, Friday: A favorite photo of yourself and why
Day 18, Saturday: Tell a story from your childhood. Dig deep and try to be descriptive about what you remember and how you felt.
Day 19, Sunday: Five of your favorite blogs and what you love about them
Day 20, Monday: Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.
Day 21, Tuesday: A list of links to your favorite posts in your archives
Day 22, Wednesday: Rant about something. Get up on your soapbox and tell us how you really feel. (a pet peeve, a current event, a controversial topic, something your husband or roommate or neighbor or boss does that really ticks you off)
Day 23, Thursday: Things you've learned that school won't teach you
Day 24, Friday: Your top 3 worst traits
Day 25, Saturday: Something someone told you about yourself that you'll never forget (good or bad)
Day 26, Sunday: Something you read online. Leave a link and discuss, if you'd like.
Day 27, Monday: A letter to your readers
Day 28, Tuesday: Only pictures
Day 29, Wednesday: Five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories. Use Grooveshark or YouTube to include them in the post
Day 30, Thursday: React to this term: Letting Go
Day 31, Friday: A vivid memory

Sick. Warm Weather. Bagels.

2013-04-27T18:28:00.003-07:00

I haven't been feeling very well the last few days. I think I have the start of either allergies, or a nasty cold, and it makes my nose stuffy and runny, my head stuffy and hurty, and my voice throaty and sick. I've had a migraine that makes me want to avoid the sun like a vampire. And the best part, Auntie Flow decided to visit me for THE SECOND TIME IN LESS THAN A FREAKING WEEK. So now I'm crampy. Yaay. Icing on the cake.

After taking ibuprofen, dayquil, and zyrtec, I am a functional human. Functional enough to actually get dressed, and try to be at starbucks for a little while.

(the problem with ordering a small white chocolate mocha frapp is that it disappears abnormally quick. So quick you wonder if the person next to you is stealing sips of your frothy beverage.)

We are approaching my favorite part of the year, weather wise. Late spring is my absolute favorite time of the year. The days get warmer, and longer, and the sun makes his presence known after a cold long wintery spring. The trees finally get leaves, blossoms bloom, and there are people outside of starbucks chatting the evening away. It's the very best. It's still a little chilly, so sweaters are still necessary, but it's not so hot you think you're going to die.

It's a bit like this:

This makes me laugh every time!!!

I haven't had a bagel in months. So I had one to cease my starvation whilst at Starbucks. It was warm, and doughy, and FULL of cream cheese. I LOVE BAGELS. I used to get one at Einstein's Bagels almost every day my junior year of high school. Now that I'm a married adult that buys her own groceries, I should buy some bagels and cream cheese. Talk about a tasty breakfast, or snack, or lunch!!!

I miss my family. They are all in Arizona. And Dave is working this weekend. So I have some alone time. Which might be nice, but I actually love spending time with my family and my hubster.

Vulnerable.

2013-04-25T02:43:00.003-07:00

Part of being married is accepting the vulnerability that comes with it. I simply can not hide things from Dave and feel okay with myself. And maybe that's part of the learning curve. But I still feel like I'm leading a secret life half the time. Because what makes me happy is a large part of him, but I'm losing the large part of me that I used to love.

I've been such a bitch to Soph recently. And I don't really know why. She just wants to spend time with me. It's not an inconvenience. She just wants her sister to be her friend. I've been pushing her away from me, and I don't know why. I love Sophie. And I hate myself for hurting her. Because at night I think back to when I was a sad junior in high school. When I had NO friends. I had lots of faces that pretended they cared, but when my shit got real, they all took off. And I was left with my best friend. And that was Sophie. She just wanted to spend time with me today. Yesterday. This week. And I've been pushing her away. Feeding her bullshit about being too busy. Wanna know what's annoying about Sophie? She's right about me a lot, because she knows me so well. And when she is right, I tell her to leave me alone. Why am I like this?

I'm not artistic in the way that I used to be. I think part of that is that I'm happy for the first time in a really long time, and I don't have any negative emotions feeding into my artwork. I'm not painting anymore. My mom says there'll be a time when I will want to again, but right now, it just sounds exhausting. I'm making jewelry a lot. I find a lot of satisfaction in that. Especially when I get it done reasonably quick.

I haven't lost that much of who I am. I still speak my mind a little too often, and make stupid jokes.

I think I just miss my family. And I haven't seen them in a while.

The Butterfly Project.

2013-04-25T02:24:00.001-07:00

Usually projects where you draw something on your skin to represent your past really bothers me. There have been projects that circulate around Facebook encouraging drawing semicolons, hearts, names, to create a "support group" for people who are depressed, self injure, or otherwise despise themselves.

However, I fell across a project that I feel I personally could support, and ultimately benefit from. It's a project that promotes self love, and self healing. Not the power in numbers shit that I can't stand.

The Butterfly Project:

The butterfly project exists so that we may all learn to love our skin, our bodies, and slowly pull ourselves away from self harm, and self injury. There are rules, of course. Rules that if followed, help promote the deepest and most satisfying healing anyone could ask for.

1. When you feel like you want to self injure, draw a butterfly on the place you intend to harm yourself. Draw it with a marker, pen, or Sharpie.

2. Name the butterfly after a loved one, someone that loves you, a pet, a teacher, or someone you know wants to get better.

3. Let the butterfly fade naturally. No scrubbing it off.

4. If you self injure before the butterfly is gone, the butterfly dies.

5. If you have more than one butterfly, that's okay. That's beautiful. But if you self injure, all the butterflies die.

6. You may ask another person to draw a butterfly on your skin. These butterflies are extra special. Take good care of these special butterflies.

7. Even if you don't self injure, feel free to draw a butterfly anyway. Draw a butterfly as a small symbol to someone you love that you care. Or draw a butterfly to get your mind off of something that is troubling you.

I used to self harm. It was a big problem for a long time. There's a lot more that goes into self harm and self injury that what meets the eye. I used cut when I was sad, angry, empty, stressed, or facing any negative emotion. It was my way out of the emotional pain I was dealing with. My problem? It became addictive. And fast. It was my drug when I was feeling worthless. But then it created a larger void in my life, when I was constantly hiding my body, and ashamed of the hideous scars it left.

I still have scars. Truthfully there are scars that I don't think will ever go away completely. But scars fade. And that's what's healing.

It's healing to know that like pain, scars fade. There is always a memory, and an old struggle, but it's faded.

IKEA

2013-04-23T20:06:00.001-07:00

There's something special to me about IKEA. It might be the delicious swedish meatballs or the gigantic cinnamon rolls smothered in icing, but it's seriously one of my favorite places to go with Dave on a date.

About once a month I feel compelled to go to IKEA for one reason or another. Today was to get some cute gardening things, and a huge roll of art paper, but other times it just to look at stuff.

Things that make me excited for my future with Dave. Like buying our first home, and filling it with our stuff. And making my little kitchen yellow and happy and bright. And making my backyard a garden dreamland.
Or thinking about summer outdoor brunches, summer morning reading, and taking my little bunny out to play in the warm grass.

IKEA is the nice little reminder that if I can dream it, they will make a kit to build it. hahahaha.

The Great Gatsby

2013-04-17T04:27:00.001-07:00

Everyone is currently obsessed with The Great Gatsby. I know it's going to be the next big blockbuster or whatever, but I find it amusing, because I have actually read Gatsby. And I loved the book.
Most of my friends that are claiming to love Gatsby hated the book, and complained about the mild assignments we completed in our English classes.

I'm mostly excited for the album that is coming from The Great Gatsby.

Lana Del Rey.

Gotye.

And my favorite....

FLORENCE WELCH!!! Florence + The Machine. WOOT!!!!

My Heart Is Broke.

2013-04-15T17:25:00.001-07:00

I'm getting really sick of national tragedies. I feel like every couple of months, there is a new terrible headline, announcing that people are dead, dying, or severely injured. And these people that cause these crimes? They all must be crazy. Look at how they are acting in court!

Today, a bombing at the Boston Marathon left 3 dead, and about 150 injured. There was blood everywhere. People had lost limbs. And all for what? What point did this terrorist have to prove? How did they show anyone who was in charge? We still don't know WHO it was. So obviously, they aren't exactly in the spotlight.

And people. Sweet, hardworking people. Have mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends that are injured. Because terrorism doesn't stop for anyone. It destroys lives, and kills several with no general message, or mean of communication. The only real message? Hate. HATE.

I wasn't even shocked when I heard about the bombing. And I think that's what breaks my heart. It seems that every time America starts to heal from one horrible tragedy, another one immediately follows.

Aurora, Colorado. July 12, 2012:
Gunman attacks midnight screening of The Dark Night Rises. 12 dead, 58 injured.
There were articles that followed for months after, as victims families were featured in magazines, web pages, and news reports.

Sandy Hook Elementary School. December 14, 2012
Gunman attacks an Elementary school. 20 children dead. 6 adults dead. Countless injured.
There are still articles that feature the stories of families, and there are still web pages and news reports on how families are surviving.

Boston Marathon. April 15, 2013
2 Bombs explode at the finish line of the Boston Marathon. 3 dead. 150 injured.
There is still so much chaos. I think what kills me the most is that the last mile of the marathon was dedicated to the victims and the families of Sandy Hook Elementary school.

My heart is broken.
I'm losing my faith in a "common good" in people.
I believe that people generally are good.
But where there is good, there is evil.

So pray. Pray as hard as you can. Pray that the injured heal. That the emotionally injured heal. That families of the victims get information quickly. And that someday, we'll feel safe in our own country.