A Cream-Filled Blog

Joseph Steel Goes to the Zoo

2010-08-07T23:56:00.000-07:00

I looked Joseph Steel right in the eyes and said to him, “That is definitely illegal”.

My name is Nara Tore. I am Joseph’s girlfriend. I took Joseph to the zoo today.

Joseph didn’t blink, and replied back to me, “It’s also illegal for the gorillas to be out of their cages here, so what are you doing walking around on the people sidewalk?”

Joseph was metaphorically referencing my weight and appearance to that of a large ape. All offense asside, he did have a point. I love cake.

“Shut up. I’m talking about the large amounts of coccaine that you are snorting. Not only is that illegal, it also isn’t very good for your health.”

By this point Joseph was gone to a land of euporia and self-created illusions, much like Children’s Cove, an area here at the zoo full of winding trees and twisting slides among other play structures.

“Nara! Don’t move… there is Stegasaurus behind you. It wants to harvest your organs for its young. When I count to three, I want you to run.”

“Joseph, you are not making any sense. I’m going home.”

“Nara, You are the voice of reason and you also have a weight problem. None of this matters to me. I still love you. Nara Tore, will you marry me?”

I thought to myself, “What the hell is wrong with you?” then I said out loud, “What the hell is wrong with you?” By this point Joseph was drooling all over himself. The doctors say he had a mild seizure, which also would explain why he had soiled himself right before his heart stopped and he died.

I have a new boyfriend now. He is allergic to animals so we never go to the zoo. He’s even allergic to goldfish.

The End

BREAKING NEWS

2010-05-31T22:39:00.000-07:00

The President of Argentina is hott!

Click HERE for the full story.

I Forgot I Have a Blog...

2010-05-27T19:13:00.000-07:00

I guess it's been a little while. My bad.

Anyways, I decided to work on a project today. Well, two projects actually. I needed to clean my room - I was getting tired of waking up to spiders on my chest. And the other project was to take a cover of an issue of The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) and combine it with that of a Playboy cover.

Okay, so let me show you the two original covers:

(JAMA Cover)

(Playboy Cover)
Quite a difference a half naked lady can make. One thing in particular which is important to note about the JAMA cover is it's lack of cover lines (there are none). I needed to find out what was featured in the October 17, 2007 issue of JAMA to correctly display appropriate cover lines on the JAMA/Playboy hybrid. Here's what I found:

Vol. 298 No. 15, pp. 1733-1826, October 17, 2007
TABLE OF CONTENTS

Institutional Academic–Industry Relationships
Invasive Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus aureus Infections in the United States
Adult Cystic Fibrosis
Adverse Effects of Incretin Therapy for Type 2 Diabetes
Comprehensive "Proteomic Profile" of Amniotic Fluid May Aid Prenatal Diagnosis
Elephantiasis Parasite Genome
Essentials of Diagnostic Breast Pathology: A Practical Approach
The Death of Sigmund Freud: The Legacy of His Last Days

Take a look above at the words in bold. Those are the ones I chose to insert into the various cover lines of the new cover (with a few "spice" ups). And so now I present to you,

JAMA UNRATED:

(Click on the image to make it larger)
And that is how I spent my day. More people would want to be doctors if I was the editor of JAMA.

P.S. Here is a link to a cool break down of the various parts of a magazine cover.
(For those who are interested in marketing and what not.)

Remember me?

2010-05-11T19:52:00.000-07:00

When life gives you lemons, slice them and then sprinkle the juice onto a Fillet Mignon to add flavor. Then eat that delicious son-of-a-bitch.

Sorry, I haven't made any posts in a while. I've been taking (failing) final exams this past week.

I still have one left: Biology. I fucking love biology. I've spent the last 4 hours drawing penises and vaginas in preparation for the reproductive section of the test (Which will consist of 2-3 multiple choice questions with no diagrams. So as you can see, drawing pictures was completely necessary.).

Fun Fact: Inside of you right now, the hydrogen in the water molecules (which makes up about 70% of your body) is 13 BILLION years old.

Now if you don't mind, I need to get back to studying: 8=>

(More posts this summer)

Will Blog for Food

2010-04-29T07:06:00.000-07:00

The following are real conversations overheard on the elevator earlier this week:

Girl 1: I'm going to poke holes in all of your condoms and steal your birth control.
Girl 2: Whatever, I'll just take it up the ass.

New Girl 1: Your feet are really big.
Guy 1: I have a horse cock.
---------------------------------------------------------
It isn't a competition but...

If I walk into a bathroom, and you are already at the sink, and I finish my business, and you are still at the sink, and I wash my hands and walk out, and you are still at the sink - you lose.

If you spell "definitely" any other way than that - you lose.
See: Link

If you voted for McCain - you lost.

If you do this in your spare time:

- you lose.

If you read A Cream-Filled Blog - you win.

If you are a bear - you win. Unless you are knitting, as bears are not well known for having good finger dexterity.
---------------------------------------------------------

If you haven't already, visit my new website:

www.ilikeyourjacket.com

And get your smile on.

Knock it off up there...

2010-04-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

I thought I had a good idea when I made this video:

As soon as I uploaded it to Youtube, I discovered it had already been done, by a million other people! It was such a let down for the creative side of my brain - which I believe is the right hemisphere, and the left hemisphere is dedicated to logic and reasoning. This is what it probably looks like up there:

There is a lot more empty pizza boxes on the left side of my brain, and a lot more Rolexes on the logic side. When I made that satirical video of the Tempur-pedic commercial, my creative side was like, "Oh yeah. We rock! Suck on these ingenious and witty balls, logic side!" And my logic side was like, "Whatever." and then boarded their yachts and took puffs from their wooden pipes.

Then I discovered that I was not the first to think of this. And I can only imagine that the logic side enjoyed that, and were probably like, "Well now, would you look at that. You know plagiarism is a serious crime. Oh, and suck on these logistic and analytical balls." And my creative side, sadly was like, "Whatever." and then ordered some more pizza and took puffs from their bongs. (There is too much smoking going on in my brain)

And that is how you get headaches.

Yo dawg, it's a blawg!

2010-04-17T08:01:00.000-07:00

So I can be a dick sometimes. I was getting tired of the extremely slow internet connection at my apartment, so I decided to send them an email with some suggestions to help better the connection:

To: The Edge Apartments
From: Matt
Subject: A Friendly Suggestion

Dear whomever this may concern,

I am a resident here, and I would just like to recommend - regarding the internet connection - that perhaps it is about time to upgrade. Even if it is only to dial up, I still have a feeling that would be a bit faster than what it is that you use now, which I assume is just a guy who sits in the basement, recieves a message whenever someone requests to go to a specific website, walks over to Temple University campus, enters the library and logs onto a computer there, looks up the requested website, takes a picture of the page, walks back to the Edge apartment, and sends the picture of the website to the person who requested it, and then repeats this process. That method is fine and all, but sometimes it takes so long to get to the website that I get the feeling this person doesn't have any legs, which may slow him down a bit. Not that I have anything against the handicapped, it's just for this specific job a more qualified employee would be one who ran track before, or at least has legs.

I am sending this message via my blackberry, because I know if I used my laptop here, the time that it took the message to get to you would be the equivalence of if I were to move to China and establish a citizenship, get a job and make enough money to buy myself a nice set of property, write a letter addressed to you, send it, only to have it sent back because I incorrectly formatted it (I would still be getting use to the new culture's mailing format), re-address it, and send it again (assuming that you're still in business and that all of your residents haven't left due to little to no internet service at all). Just a friendly suggestion.

Regards,

Sherburt Montgomery

P.S. Please don't turn off my water for a week because of this email.

I used my alias to protect my room from loss of electricity and water for "unknown reasons". I sent this a week ago, but I haven't heard back, and my internet still moves at the same rate it would have in 1996. However, they have free coffee in the lobby, so we'll call it even.

And hey, if you think I'm a jerk, at least I'm not a cube:

A website that will like you more than you like it

2010-04-14T17:40:00.000-07:00

My friends and I have just launched a new website just for you!

ilikeyourjacket.com:

Here's the link: LINK!!!

It makes the internet a little bit friendlier, one compliment at a time.

I hope you enjoy it. And just wait for ihateyourjacket.com!

P.S. Someone made a Facebook fan page for it: Become a fan

Math Jokes: For People Who Have sin(π) Friends.

2010-04-11T13:25:00.000-07:00

Do you remember two posts ago, when I mentioned that online Calculus homework site? Well, I had a few assignments again to do this weekend, and I swear to you, the people who made that site either do very large amounts of drugs or do moderate amounts of drugs but with bodies that have very low tolerance. Whenever you get an answer right, a little picture pops up on the screen with a nifty positive comment:

I solved an answer only to find some sort of mythical personified pony unicorn dressed in Shakespearean attire with his horn supporting a holiday wreath, bowing at me. I was a little nervous to continue solving problems, not being sure what sort of creature would pop out next. Then:

Is that a spider-cow? Or a small cow who was trapped in a spider web? Actually, if you study it, it proves to be the foremost: a half-spider, half-cow, who has trapped unsuspecting grass on its sticky cow-silk web and is now feasting upon its helpless victim.

If only there was a sign as to what the creators of this site were thinking...

... Just as I suspected. But as time went on, I began to notice that perhaps these guys have a problem. They just don't know when to stop:

So anyways, I'm pretty sure my calculus homework needs to go to rehab.

P.S. Are you a fan?

It's Easter Eggain!

2010-04-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

And the egg puns begin. Eggcelent. Eggstreme. Eggstravagant. Eggstraterrestrial! In the world of puns, the egg ones will never go Eggstinct.

You may have noticed a few changes to the site. For one, there are no more Ads between each post. I realized that you can't sell out if you have nothing to sell. I'm going to have to wait until Cream-Filled Blog gets its own TV series (it would most likely be a talk show with host Tom Hanks and the musical performer every night will be me playing a song from my iTunes playlist or even just a Youtube video that I thought was kind of funny) until I start advertising on it again.

This doesn't mean I will stop advertising the blog itself. In fact, I have done quite the opposite:

I thought of a good Easter pick-up line: (Sexy deep voice implied) Hey there, what do ya say we go back to your place and maybe I could try to find your egg.

Ew.

My biology professor said that reptiles evolved into birds as an adaptation to their food, which were flying insects. And that's when it hit me! All we have to do is eat a bunch of flying bugs and humans will grow wings! It's that simple! I love science.

A Cream-Filled Blog Facebook Fan Page was just opened by the Vice President/Secretary/Manager/Regional Manager/Co-Regional Manager/Joint-Co-Regional Manager of Intermediate Sales/Janitor of Cream-Filled the other day (That is literally her title). She earned her hamsters. Become a fan at: click right here, dude!

"To err is human, and to party is to err! Let's be humans!" This was a toast I made at a party the other night. I was pleased to see that it really set the tone.

That's all, yolks!

(Oh good god, that was too cheesy. I almost feel like I need to say a swear word or talk about boobs to regain some of my masculinity.)

P.S. Boobs.

Hey Look... A Blog!

2010-04-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

I have online homework to do for my Calculus class. The program is ridiculous. You can only signal multiplication via parenthesis (I hate parenthesis (irony)):

I certainly don't intend to cheat my wife, however, if I were to ever do so, I would want it to be at a county fair. Then it would be: "An affair at a fair". On top of that, my wife would say, "It isn't fair that you had an affair at a fair." Best case pun scenario, there was an unreasonable price to pay for a boat ride at this carnival, and I could assure my wife, "No, it wasn't fair to pay the fair's fairly far out fare for the fairy at the fair on my affair." While my wife and I have this discussion, I would be holding an issue of Vanity Fair. Now onto other affairs:

I made a Yahoo Answers account. There is an surprisingly large amount of people out there who enjoy answering other people's homework questions. However, I decided to ask something other than that:

If you read my last post, you will know I applied to work for ChaCha. I got the job. Now I earn very, very, very small amounts of money for answering questions like "What does a sheep penis look like?" and "Is it okay to eat poop, as long as you brush your teeth after?".

I wish I was capable of doing back flips:
"Hey Matt, do you have your Lab report? It is due today."
"No I don't professor. But check this out."
*Back flip*
"Hot damn, Matt! That was impressive! A plus!"
"And..."
"And all the money in my wallet. You earned it."
"Damn right I did."

I saw a mime the other day doing what I HOPE was an impression of someone eating a carrot. Regardless, he is going to have to reconsider his performance routine. It looked almost like that would be illegal to do on a public sidewalk.

Friend: "Love is a battlefield and I'm stuck running around with a squirt gun."
Me: "Like a super soaker?"
Friend: "Yeah, I mean, it's just a metaphor though for being vulnerable."
Me: "I gotch'ya. I'm in the same situation. Except my enemy is wearing a white t-shirt."

Yup, that was a homeless man shaving in the school bathroom...

2010-03-25T19:36:00.000-07:00

I realize I have not posted anything in a while. I have been busy, and haven't had time to make anything new. Let's see... what can I write about...

I recently applied to be a ChaCha guide. That's new. ChaCha is a service similar to Google, except any question you have is answered by a real person who you text message. Text any question (Seriously, any question) to 242242, and within the next minute you will get your answer. I applied to be one of the "guides" who answers the questions.

I signed up, took a short test, then had to watch like a million informational videos, take some quizzes, and today was my BIG EXAM. They give you 10 real questions that were being asked at the moment, and it is up to you and what you learned to answer them.

Long story short, I failed (Although I don't find out for sure until next day or so since they have to grade my results). The reason I say I fail is, I got an opinion question: "What should I wear to my friend's funeral?". I panicked. I knew there was a "what should I wear" quick answer button somewhere, but I couldn't find it so I answered it with my own custom answer: "Your fancy pants and a top hat. Do the ChaCha!"

Fail.

So, in celebration of my recent endeavors, here are some real ChaCha questions and answers I sent and actually recieved back:

Q: To be or not to be?
ChaCha: That is the question... I say, to be!

Q: Should I go out tonight, or study Calculus?
ChaCha: Ask me all you want, I will always say... Study!!!

Q: Who is better looking: King Kong, or Lady GaGa?
ChaCha: Lady GaGa by far, King Kong is hot too though.
(I told you, any question AT ALL!)

Q: What is the best way to flirt with the person answering my ChaCha questions?
ChaCha: Sorry, you have exceeded you daily limit of questions.

P.S. If you are considering starting your own business, a growing trend in the world of advertisements and marketing is robotic gorillas. I would know, I'm a biology major.

Sorry I don't have anything else to say. Once I finish school, and retire from my job, which should be like 50-60 more years, then I will make some more posts. Or maybe I will make one tomorrow... eh.

Greatest Time Waster Ever!

2010-03-18T23:23:00.000-07:00

Besides playing with your belly button.

I discovered an online program which allows you to make your very own animated movies, for FREE! You may have heard of it before: Xtra Normal at xtranormal.com.

It is fantastic, and is extremely easy to use. I finished my first film within an hour of discovering the site.

And here is that first film, for your viewing privileges, "Tuesday's Ball":

Simply go to the website, create an account, and begin!

They all look like legos.

If you make any videos, email them to djbuttaskotch@gmail.com. I would love to see them!

P.S. Temple Owls play Cornell today, 3/19/10, in the first round of the NCAA Tournament at 12:30 p.m.. Watch it, and GO OWLS!!!

Duck, duck, duck... BLOG!!!

2010-03-18T01:28:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. INCLUDING THIS!

People talk about their lives in their blogs (Well, about 99.NINEEEEEEEE% of bloggers do). The other point ONE talk about their cats. So here I go, I am going to talk about my life:

(For people who hate reading many words, just read the things in bold and skip anything that isn't.)

I thought about growing my hair out the other day, but I can't fit shampoo into my budget.

I wrote a story an hour ago. The protagonist was present under the Christmas tree. It was small, and all the big presents made fun of it; the small Christmas present was very insecure about itself. Then, at dawn, the children came down the stairs. They immediately went for the larger gifts first, and the petite present protagonist watched as all of the bully presents were instantly ripped to shreds in a festive blaze of wrapping paper gore and ribbon guts! Rejoice!

With the money I save on not buying shampoo, I spend on straws.

I just finished my chemistry lab report. There was a question on it: "What is the overall order of the reaction between CV and hydroxide ion?" I didn't know the answer, so I wrote: "Assuming this is the first date between CV and the hydroxide ion, they most likely are at an upscale restaurant. CV, being more comfortable, for it is a pH indicator and surely has been on dates with nearly all of the periodic table and thus has more experience in such a situation, started by ordering a bottle of red wine. Seeing as wine is acidic, and the hydroxide ion is associated with a base - salt and water will be produced. This will provide both refreshments for the table and seasoning for the filet mignon that CV ordered. The overall order then will be: one bottle of red wine, filet mignon, and a... please don't give me negative points for this answer."

I will save up to a few THOUSAND straws.

I was listening to a song earlier today. I enjoyed it, but the lyrics were awful. It reminded me of when you are talking to a very attractive, yet extremely boring and uninteresting girl. It's like: 'Hey, what are you talking about? I am just going to tone out everything you say, and admire all your other aspects. I am also going to nod my head.' (Nodding either to the beat of the song, or to reassure the girl of your fake interest to her discussion's content.)

I will have all the straws laying next to me while sitting in front of my window which is on the 12th floor of my apartment's building. Then I will open the window, and take each straw, one-by-one, and stick them out the window, taping them each together, and moving them closer to the ground way below me.

I want to become a science journalist. I like science, and I like writing stuff. Only problem is, science journalism is a dying field of work. As it turns out, robots are taking over that particular area of the job market - because they have built in grammar and spell checkers and can write perfectly, have a built in database of every damn science experiment ever done, and don't require any wage because they are fucking robots and don't need money for anything. In fact, no job is safe from robots. The only job humans will be able to get in the future is being a robot programmer.

I will have my friend who is waiting right below me - outside - put a glass of water on the ground. Eventually I will reach the glass with my tape-forged and colossal straw, and drink - through the straw - from a glass, 12 stories below!

P.S. What is this website: http://www.saddestcaveman.com/

P.P.S. Not all people talk about their lives/cats in their blogs. In fact, some people don't talk at all. They just post pictures they drew. If I drew a picture about everything I just wrote, it would look like this:

No Sleep = This

2010-03-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

The kid I sat next to on the plane, when offered peanuts or pretzels, chose the latter. He then bit and gnawed his pretzels and shaped them into the letters of his name - 'Chris' - and laid the masterpiece on his tray for me to see. I would have reminded him that he was in a public place, however, the girl on my other side had a Cosmopolitan magazine - so I was busy learning how to climax together with my partner, and also finding out what he was saying behind my back.

2 Possible Segues From the First Paragraph:

1st Segue: Speaking of planes, I have noticed this in the aisle of each plane I have been on:

Translation: The exit is on the left. The salad bar is on the right. If ever an emergency presents itself in which one needs to consume salad immediately, such as a severe and instantaneous onset of fiber deficiency, one can simply refer to the safety signs and locate the appropriate response location.

2nd Segue: Speaking of weird eating habits, here are the stomach contents of someone with the disorder Pica:

1,440 items in all. Pica is a mental disorder in which the patient develops a appetite for random and unhealthy crap - like coins, chalk, and literally crap itself.

Okay, so I need to sleep now. But I have class in an hour. Hmm... I have options.

Perha;sjd/kstonakn asdfadsdejjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjja m ... oh, well I fell asleep on the keyboard and now I don't have to go to class, seeing as I just looked at the clock and it appears that it ended about 2 hours ago.

No more options.

P.S. I don't follow my dreams. They follow me!

RE: Spring Break

2010-03-15T13:49:00.000-07:00

Well that was fun - beaches, sushi, and many expensive things that I could not afford but could imagine buying and having lots of fun with.

Being a rich and famous celebrity would be fun. I would drive around in a nice car, and when I use valet parking at a fancy restaurant I would tip the valet with my car and walk home and just buy a new one the next day.

Also, don't walk through Drive-throughs in California. It is illegal apparently.

I plan on making some new posts in the future. Just nothing right now. I am tired, uncreative, soar (I often confuse the spelling of that word with sour. Although, after licking my hand, both words work well when describing me), fatigued, hairy, and immortal.

However, I will show you what I did to my Windows laptop. I "Mac-ified" it. This is the desktop of my new PC/Mac hybrid:

After playing around a little bit with it, and after downloading a cool icon function program, this is my desktop as of right NOW:

It is perfect, and since I enjoy it so much I had to share it with you. If you don't care, email me at djbuttaskotch@gmail.com with the subject title: 'I Don't Care', and the message body as follows:

Dear Matt,

I don't care.

Sincerely,

(Your Name)

I will respond with a message that will include the recipe for a very delicious breakfast burrito and a link to a Kevin Bacon's Wikipedia article. Over the course of this e-mail writing/sending you will waste approximately 1 minute and 30 seconds of your life typing your message and briefly reading through mine, at which point you will realize that you would have been better off just enjoying the screen shots of my PC/Mac in the first place.

In that 1 minute and 30 seconds you wasted you could have done many things:

Things to do in 1 Minute and 30 Seconds:

Listen to the first half of the song: 3 Minute Song by Josh Wilson
Look at your watch/a clock for 1 minute and 30 seconds
Minimum required time for cooking a Hot Pocket (Although 2 min. is preferred)
Brush your teeth (With possible BONUS TIME to shave your uni-brow)
Listen to the second half of the song: 3 Minute Song by Josh Wilson

As you can see, it is best you just enjoy and care about what I show you - or you will face the consequences.

P.S. If you cared, you earned this:

Spring Break

2010-03-06T10:01:00.000-08:00

Starts now.

I am hiring employees to keep Creamfilled updated with the latest technological fads while I am gone. If you are interested, here is the Creamfilled Employee Handbook:

THE CREAMFILLED HANDBOOK

Welcome.

A Cream-Filled Blog^TM

Creamfilledblog.blogspot.com

CHAPTER 1 – Hi.

So you’re a Creamfilled employee now. Think you got what it takes? Well, most likely you don’t, unless you are either a wizard or Jesus. But you’re not. So leave.

Are you still here? Good. That was a test. If you are still reading this you passed. You need a certain level of commitment if you are going to work for Creamfilled.

At Creamfilled, we like our crust cut off and removed from the rest of the sandwich. Will you remove that crust for us? If not, you are fired.

We also like to change our fonts from time to time. Got a problem with that? You’re fired.

So anyways, hi. And welcome aboard the S.S.Creamfilled.

CHAPTER 2 – Don’t be a douche.

Seriously. I mean it.

Relations between coworkers should be similar to that of a female Black Widow spider and her mate, where immediately following the mating process, the female consumes the male as food.

What did you want to be when you grew up? I don’t care. You work for me, now.

This handbook doesn’t even make sense.

CHAPTER 3 – Payment.

You will be paid monthly in the form of drawings I made of hamsters. Most of the hamsters will have swords, and will be fighting in castles.

You will get 60% more hamsters for every hour of overtime you work, and double the hamsters every hour overtime you work on a holiday.

If you are not satisfied with your payment, see chapter 2.

This concludes The Creamfilled Handbook. Now get out there and do something. I’m not really sure what it is we do, but as long as you do something, I will be happy. It doesn’t even have to be related to Creamfilled. If you participate in a carwash to help raise money to fund the boosters program of a local high school girls soccer team, that counts as something. And I will be happy.

And now it is time for me to go to LA for spring break, where I will turn in my screenplay about a High School janitor who sells drugs to the students, has an affair with the lunch lady, is caught peeping in the girl's locker room, is fired, and then goes blind and plays the cello beautifully and becomes world famous for his talent. Welcome to Hollywood.

P.S. Here is your signing bonus:

TURN THE VOLUME UP ON THIS BLOG!!!

2010-03-03T20:55:00.000-08:00

David was feeling brave today, so he turned off his Google Safe Search. He glanced at the 'moderate' setting, then thought to himself, "Pfft. Don't even waste my time." David then saved his settings, and made his first search of the day: Farm animals. His life would never be the same from that moment on.

I lost my flashdrive today, which means I lost all of my MS Paint drawings. Which means you have no pictures to look at. Just words. I can make emoticons, which are are kind of like pictures made of words, but those are gay. Enjoy your raw words. I also lost all my pictures of the cute animals.

I don't like the phrase "I have to pee like a racehorse", so I made this one: I have to pee like ' L, M, N, O'. When you think about it, it kind of makes sense, but then you think about it some more, and realize that it doesn't.

Stanley is a fat persons name.

I'm not a business man, but I do occasionally walk around in a suit, with a buddy who is also wearing a suit, and talk about a meeting we just went to and I say things like, "Can you believe that guy?" and pretend that I am important.

A lot of blogs are about shoes and clothes and the such. So I decided I would have a fashion section on my blog -
Fashion Tip of the Week: Clothes. Wear them.

I decided I need to put a picture in this post, so I did some Google searching, and found this:

Looks good. And oh yeah, there is a sequel:

That is deliciously offensive.

Current Events: I am right behind you...

Sorry, I do realize that this post was a bit ferocious and unnecessary (I think those adjectives describe it perfectly well), but I just finished off a grande hot chocolate.

Is that even a real excuse?

Eh.

P.S. Anyone want to go see Avatar with me?

When I Die

2010-03-02T11:22:00.000-08:00

When I die, I want to be buried at an ancient Indian burial site, so I can haunt the ghosts who haunt other people.

When I die, I want my entire body put in a soup can. When someone at a restaurant says, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup." Someone else can one-up him saying, "Waiter, there is an entire body of a dead man floating in my soup."

When I die, I want to be a body of a victim on the show CSI. I also want to have a kissing scene with the lead actress. Then I want her lover on the show to get jealous, and with a twist in the plot, murder me and have the story to be continued on next week's episode.

When I die, I want my body to be used as one of those British soldiers.

(Queen's gaurd)

When I die, I want college students to draw obnoxious things on my face with a permanent marker, such as glasses, a mustache, a uni-brow, penises, etc.. When people see me like that in the casket, they will think, "Wow, he must have had a really wild time last night."

When I die, I will set my facebook status to "is dead".

When I die, I will let my friend take me wherever he goes so that whenever he farts, and people start making comments on the smell, he can blame it on my dead body.

That's all I got.

If you can think of your own, post them in the comments section. I would enjoy seeing what you come up with.

P.S. Police arrest Ronald McDonald for pot use: Link to Full Story

Top 10 Cutest Animals on the Internet

2010-03-01T01:07:00.000-08:00

With commentary!

They are in no particular order. You probably will recognize a few, because honestly who hasn't typed 'cute animals' into Google at one point.

10.
'
Is he clapping or trying to swat a fly that's buzzing around his face? Who cares, he's adorable.

9.

These are hard to give captions to because all I want to say is 'awwwwwwwww.'

8.

This one may be my favorite. And I am sure the one on the right was like, "Hey, you got something on your chest." And then flicked his nose when he looked down. Classic.

7.

I love fawns and I love squirrels. I couldn't decide on my favorite pictures of them separately, so I chose one with a fawn talking to a squirrel.

6.

Does the song make this? Perhaps, until you notice that his backpack is a penguin! Awesome to the max!

5.

I had to.

4.

Those eyes sold it. Honorable mention for cub goes to: http://tinyurl.com/coaafx
3.

I was iffy about this one, until I saw the toilet paper roll.

2.

If only this was on my kitchen table every morning...

1.

I drew an otter for one of my other posts. Someday the world will love them the way I do.

I have all of these pictures saved on a flashdrive. I plan on having it buried with me when I die.

Also, be careful when searching for 'cute chick' on Google. Especially if you have safe search turned off...

P.S. If you have some cute animal pictures you would like to share, email them to me at djbuttaskotch@gmail.com.

Conversations

2010-02-28T00:22:00.000-08:00

Before you read this, grab a friend. You will each play a role, and read the lines according to what role you are. Put a lot of emphasis on accents and tones. It is much more fun that way.

Do you have your friend? Are you ready? Okay, here we go:

Snake and Snake Charmer -

Snake: (Nodding head) I like this. What is this?
Snake Charmer: It's called Dum Digga Dum Diddidy Doo, by me and a wooden flute.
Snake: It's catchy. I must look like a silly teenage girl at the club right now.
Snake Charmer: No. You look fine. Don't be so self-conscious. Just be yourself, and feel the rhythm.

Pirate and Girl Scout -

Pirate: A'hoy!
Girl Scout: Would you like to buy some cookies?
Pirate: Chips ahoy!
Girl Scout: No. Girl Scout cookies. Dumbass.

Old man and his breakfast -

Old man: Mm mm mm. Well don't you just look delicious.
Breakfast: ...
Old man: What should I eat first?
Bacon: The eggs!
Eggs: You're such a dick.

Niagra Falls and a boat -

Niagra Falls: Hey there.
Boat: Oh, hi. How are you today?
Niagra Falls: I'm doing fine. You new around here?
Boat: Yeah. Just moved in. Checking out the sites.
Niagra Falls: That's cool. Okay, well... I'm about to fuck your day up.

Horse and Lunch Lady -

Horse: Hey, I'll have hay.
Lunch Lady: Hey, here's your hay.

Arm pits and nipples -

Arm Pit 1: Hey there baby. What shaking?
Nipple 1: Oh god, you're such a pig. Laverne, help me out here.
Nipple 2 (Laverne): Sorry Kathey, but I am having some problems of my own.
Arm Pit 2: Problems? Nah sweet thing, you and me have no problems. What do you say to a double date?

If you like these and want more, let me know. I wrote all of these while watching the first 10 minutes of an episode of Desperate Housewives.

I am also open to suggestions. If you would like two particular things/people/whatevers to have a conversation, send the idea to djButtaSkotch@gmail.com.

P.S.

Photo by Allie from Hyperbole and a Half, who made this just for me because we are best friends.

Why don't girls like me?

2010-02-25T02:45:00.000-08:00

Hi, I'm Hitch. When I was 12 I would go to discos, and kiss a shit load of girls.

Moving on, I went to the greatest Korean market ever the other day, called H-Mart. They sell octopus, shrimp flavored potato chips, the blood of any animal, and sweat in a can:

Apparently it is an energy drink, which makes sense. Since you sweat a lot while you exercise, you can get all of it back by drinking this.

Let's get to the fun part. Drawings:

I noticed that the flag of Libya is only one color: green. That is all; no designs or anything else. I kind of feel like if all the other flags had a party they would not invite Libya. I feel bad.

Current Events: I just checked, and no, it is not Friday yet. Dam. (Unless of course you are reading this on a Friday. Then yes, yes it is Friday. But still, why the hell are you reading on a Friday?)

I am going to write an all dialogue story for my next post. Be prepared. I will add pictures to it, for people who hate words.

P.S. Here is a link for an article regarding a killer killer whale: http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2010-02-24-seaworld-whale-death_N.htm?csp=hf

La Film

2010-02-22T05:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes reading words sucks. So I made a movie for you all to watch instead. It is called "Do Not Open", and based on a true story:

So like I was saying, the fewer words the better. Bye.

UPDATE: I was having some video processing difficulties, and had to convert the video from flash to .avi. The only way to do this was to use the product Smart SWF Converter which now advertises in the top left of the video. That advertisement is not a crucial part to the plot, and can be ignored.

P.S. I am awarding 500 points to all my followers. So if you aren't following my blog right now, you are currently losing.

My Science Project

2010-02-20T21:14:00.000-08:00

Since I am a science student, I am going to do a science project for Creamfilled (That is what we will call this blog for short. It will be the cool, hip name for A Cream-Filled Blog. So you can go to your friends and say, “Hey, have you read Creamfilled today?” And they will reply, “No.” And then you will inform them, “Eh. It was so-so.”).

I was reading about a time-continuous random process in mathematics known as “Wiener Process”. I laughed. It was named after mathematician Norbert Wiener. I laughed again. Then I decided to do a science project.

My hypothesis was this: Similar to how gas in a container will expand and spread out to fill that container, people on an elevator will spread out when given chance to.

Once an elevator is filled to its capacity, it begins its ascent to the selected floors above. Upon arriving at the first selected floor, a given amount of people will get out. After those people have left, the remaining people will adjust their positions to cover more area. Take a look at figure A:

(Figure A)

This elevator is currently full. Now let us assume that that the person in the front right exits at the first floor stopped at. This would leave four people left. If no one moved, this is what the result would look like:

(Figure B)

Figure B shows an inaccurate result which defies The Elevator Theory. Due to a process known as ‘elevator expansion’ the correct result would be this:

(Figure C)

Figure C accurately displays the results of elevator expansion. Next time you are on an elevator, take note of this process. A few things to consider if the process fails:

1. Lovers are an exception to this rule, and in fact display inverse properties. Friends display similar properties, but unlike lovers, usually do not uninterestingly stare at each other making silly faces, occasionally giving one another a little kiss on the lips or forehead, and then continue to creepishly stare at each other.
2. Does the other person have Down syndrome?
3. Possibly the other person is waiting for you to move. Oblige him/her.

Since we are on the subject of elevators, if you live on the 4th floor or lower, use the stairs. The sign stating, “In case of emergency, use stairs” may have you believing that they should not be used in a non-emergency situation. However, they are perfectly reliable whether there is a fire or not, unlike the emergency window on a school bus (The door is much safer. Trust me.). I once lived in a 2 floor house and used the stairs on a regular basis. I began using them at a very early age, and I never sustained any injury from doing such a thing.

By the way, as you may have noticed, in no way at all was any of this scientific. All I did was talk about elevators for several paragraphs.

I drew this:

It’s an otter. I love those things. You should too.

Current Events: I will go to the gym tomorrow. Maybe.

P.S. Here is a real cool demonstration of the Wiener process. Look at for hours, it never fails to amaze me (that's what she said):

How to Write the Perfect Resume

2010-02-18T04:08:00.000-08:00

Your dream job awaits you. Here are some useful tips that will send your employer into complete shock, wishing he had found you sooner, and most likely will build a time machine to go back to when he started his business and hire you right then. So basically, if you follow these steps while writing your resume, you will be hired several months ago:

Do not laminate your resume. Unless you are applying for the position of a placemat manufacturer at a restaurant, in which case it would be a great idea – as it would qualify as a sample of your work. Make sure to include activities on the back of it for the kids, such as a “Spot the differences between these two similar but slightly different pictures” game, and a youthful joke section. Note: This would only be intended for a more upscale restaurant, as most of the casual diners do not use laminated placemats, which allows for the use of crayons. If you were applying for this position at a restaurant such as Denny’s, your activity section on the back would be open to the option of mazes, crosswords, connect the dots, tic-tac-tos, and more.

Clip Art is usually not a good idea, unless of course it is this:

Employers are often looking for someone who does not display any fear of dragons. Throw this Clip Art somewhere into your resume to let them know that if ever a situation presented itself that a dragon (whether it be a newborn or a full-grown male) entered the work area, it would not distract you from your work and you would be able to proceed in a timely manner.

Participating in a clinical trial in which you were required to not sleep for 76 hours, smoke 23 packs of cigarettes, only eat soy products, and then perform a series of IQ and response tests while hooked up to an EEG for 20 dollars, does not count as work experience.

“Your objective” is not intended to be a list of the super powers you wish to acquire at some point in your life. However, if you do already have a super power, the proper place in a resume to address that would be at the very top of the page in bold, underlined, and all capital lettering – starting with the phrase “I have a fucking super power”. Unless it is X-Ray vision, which you only use to make fun of people with shoes on who are not wearing matching socks. That would go under hobbies.

If you do have a history of criminal offenses, just make sure to clarify that this was before you had watched Dr. Suess’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas. After which - analogous to the Grinch’s own reconciliation – you had a self-intervention and now not only has your heart grown three sizes larger, but you also are capable of spreading joy and happiness among coworkers by joining hands and singing aloud the song “Fahoo Forays”.

Hope this helps. I will accept 20% of you’re income on your next job as repayment for providing you with this useful and practical information. Oh, and also one last tip: Staple a piece of candy – like a tootsie roll or bag of skittles – to your resume. Who doesn’t like free candy?