A Crone's Chronicle

Aw, Shucks...

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 04:10:00 +0000

I felt a sense of remorse after signing off the other day. There are more readers here than I realized, because I only hear from a handful of you. Those of you who responded to my last post did let me know that I would be missed. So I'm thinking, maybe what I've got to say has more value than I give myself credit for. After all, I am mighty hard on myself, as you likely know if you've been following me for a while.

So okay, I'm back. I'll write a proper post again soon!

Aloha

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 01:41:00 +0000

I've been thinking seriously about discontinuing this blog. I don't have much to say anymore, and when I do, it seems a rehash of someplace I already got to in my thinking sometime back.

I'm not much into griping and groaning about the state of the world these days, too many folks are already doing that and why should I clog up the airwaves with more of the same?

I'm not much into giving my opinions about this, that or the other thing, movies, books, etc., again just to fill up space and take time.

I'm letting go of some things now, trimming the fat as it were, streamlining and focusing.

I want to thank you all for being loyal readers of this blog for nearly two years, also for your thoughtful comments and support.

Keep me bookmarked if you want to, maybe I'll drop in now and then to say hi. If you're not already reading of my exploits elsewhere on the web, you can follow me at my art blog or on Facebook.

Thanks again, and Aloha!

Stream of Consciousness

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 02:01:00 +0000

Where doth the time go! I've been working again for six weeks already! I really like my schedule ~ Wednesday through Friday afternoons, then four days off. And it's little enough time to keep me busy at work, which I far prefer to the frequent boredom I'd always experienced in prior jobs, jobs where I had to be there for 35 to 40 hours a week, where I usually got the work done in half that time, especially after I'd been there a while. Then I would begin to hate being there.

If only I were actually making a living at this job, then things would be perfect! As it is, I'm earning about half my monthly living expenses. And I don't expect it to change. Next year will be really interesting, as I claw my way financially to being able to start collecting social security in February of 2011.

If only I could sell some art, that would surely help. About selling art, I'm stumped. I have four online sales venues plus my own website, I'm on Facebook and Twitter, I have a Facebook Fan Page as well as a regular profile, I have an art blog that I post to regularly and have an increasing number of hits to and comments on, my work is in national and local exhibitions -- and I'm going broke being an artist. It sucks, really. I can't live on the compliments -- all of them genuine. I don't know what else to do. And occasionally it really bothers me.

I won't "do shows", by which I mean schlepping my stuff elsewhere, having a booth and vending. It simply costs far to much money to do these days, and requires an enormous amount of stamina. I know, because I used to do it when I made and sold beaded jewelry. That was ten years ago...I can't, I won't do it again.

If I try something that other artists do and are successful at -- like a selling strategy -- although it works for them, it doesn't work for me. This has been my experience, like, forever. Admittedly, I live in an area where there are more artists per capita than anywhere else in the country. And the folks in this area who are interested in buying art are few and far between. Which is why I've set up shop online and have been doing so for the last couple years. I spent gobs of money marketing locally for a few years, without measureable result. So I think, maybe I need to spend even more time developing online venues, etc. But then there'd be no time to actually make the art.

This is all so frustrating for me. I'm not really down about it, but I'm truly perplexed. These things are on my mind this Friday evening. Have a great weekend!

Peace & Quiet

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 05:21:00 +0000

I'm feeling more peaceful right now than I have in quiet a while. The busyness has abated largely. I'm coming to the end of a 3-week stint where in addition to work I had at least one other big thing to do each week, which caused me to feel somewhat frantic and overloaded. I just can't manage too many large things at once, these days. I don't want to have to, anyway.

And of course, I haven't stopped making art. I simply won't do that. So I haven't let up any in this arena.

Scotty is away for two nights at a business meeting, and I'm happy as a clam, me and BeeGee, having a quiet evening alone together. I went to the studio tonight after supper, got a quilt ready to ship tomorrow, quilted on a piece in progress. I want to start doing this more -- spending evening time in the studio -- so I'm using these two free nights to begin to build that habit.

See you in a few days.

Calm Turbulence

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 14:29:00 +0000

Now that I'm working again, albeit only 15-18 hours a week, I've had to speed up everything in my life again. Feels like I'm rushing from one thing to the next nearly every day. I don't like that...but working again has its upsides, so I'm trying to focus on what I like about it rather than not.

I'm getting my new computer today -- taking in the old one this morning to have the data migrated over.

I've been mighty busy in the studio these days, my artmaking hasn't slowed down at all with less time. I'm just more focused now, and haven't been letting those momentary stops slow me down -- I just push right through them. There's no time to waste.

It's going to be another gorgeous autumn day in paradise, here, today. The sun's just rising to clear skies.

I can't believe how fast time is going...this year just started...it's almost over. And so goes life!

Cogitating Change

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 01:27:00 +0000

Been thinking again recently about how everything changes, pretty much ongoingly. Something's always changing, anyway, which is what I really mean. There's an old Zen saying, "You can't step twice into the same stream," and that's really appropros. If you consider everything in your life right now, some part of it will surely be different in the next moment.

I appreciate those times when I look at all the change in my life as an observer, rather than the person that the change is happening to. Makes it all easier to embrace when I see it was just a part of the everlasting flow of life.

My once-beloved computer is on its last legs. More specifically, I have maxed out it's resources with all that I do, and it just can't keep up any longer. I ordered a new computer today which, in all the most important ways, is 100 to 400% better than my current one. After I take all my stuff off the old one, I'll bequeath it to Scotty, who uses a computer far less than I do.

Anyway, about change, I've resisted upgrading to Windows Vista, especially now that Windows 7 is nearly on the shelf. But my new computer will have Vista, and I'm now really looking forward to it. I realized that I have to stop resisting change, have to stop resisting what the world is offering up. Metaphorically, too, I think I've been in need of a new operating system in my life. As I write this, I know how true it is, although in this moment I can hardly fathom all the potential ramifications.

I'd like not to think so deeply about my life all the time, I'd like to just live it and go with it and not play shrink with myself. Perhaps this is the new operating system I just alluded to.

One Of My Favorite Flowers

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 02:04:00 +0000

I absolutely love dahlias! I photographed these a few weeks ago at a flower farm in Ferndale, on the way to the mouth of the Eel River.

Anyhoo, the cards have been shuffled again ~ I started part-time work this week doing the books for our local humane society. Oh how I needed this work (i.e., the income), and oh how I need my time to do art. And oh how I've wanted to be involved in some way in animal welfare. So I guess you could say this turn of events is a miraculous thing in my life!

I'll be working Wednesday thru Friday from noon to 5:00. These past two mornings have seen me getting lots done in the studio. There isn't any time to waste anymore ~ things I've been putting off have already been getting done this week. Kind of feels like when I started blogging, and I was concerned about how much time it would take away from artmaking...when in reality I've been far more productive since I started blogging! And that opened me up to things I never thought I'd be doing, shifts and changes I'd never imagined.

So I'm thinking the key is to stay open, and follow the road that opens up to you!

Pondering...

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 16:09:00 +0000

It's been a difficult last few weeks for me, physically. Thank Goddess, nothing major or chronic ~ just this and that getting out of whack.

First it was my stomach, about which I wrote last post. I healed myself of whatever that was, things are flowing nicely through my system now, no pains anywhere there. Plus, I've lost a couple pounds by simply eating a lot less.

Then Scotty and I started taking dance lessons two Friday's ago ~ country, swing, nightclub, etc. ~ and I spent that weekend with a terrible headache, migraine-like, because something was out in my neck and a nerve was getting pinched. Monday I saw my chiropractor and by end of the week I was feeling good enough to go dancing again.

Then a few days ago my sciatica kicked in and I won't be able to get that adjusted until tomorrow. Meanwhile, over the weekend I came down with a little cold! So I feel like I'm a mess, although I really have no complaints in the big scheme of things.

My mind is a jumble these days for all the usual reasons (for me) ~ artmaking issues, money issues, energy issues vs. the desire to slow down. All I can do is what I already am doing, which is taking one day at a time and doing my best. Always feels like it's not enough, though. I just don't know how to find a balance for myself...which for me would mean to feel good about myself and everything I do and stop worrying about tomorrow, and really trusting that my good is unfolding the way it's supposed to.

I have to say that maintaining a consistently positive attitude in the face of all the evidence to the contrary that shows up in my life, is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. And I definitely don't have it mastered. I know that keeping my focus on what I want in life (and I'm not talking about stuff, here) is THE KEY. I'm just having great difficulty maintaining that, as the hits keep on comin'.

If you have any brilliant ideas, please share them with me. Thanks for reading and for your thoughts.

Dieting

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 05:30:00 +0000

I was under the weather this past week, gradually returning to normal ~ whatever that is ~ by yesterday. I had something abdominal going on, was never sure what it was. I ached a lot, felt very full, my intestines were tender, but I never exhibited any other symptoms, be they stomach bug or food poisoning.

Metaphorically, though, it definitely felt to me as though I had bitten off more than I could chew. And when I looked back over the preceding few weeks, maybe months, it all made sense to me...because it is so easy for me to push way too hard on myself to constantly be more-better-different, that I think I put my circuits on overload!

As I began to eat regular food again about mid week, I decided to simply cut down on the quantity of food I had previously been eating. Just eating less and keeping myself from feeling full is a great way for me to feel better about myself.

But more than just about food, I'm embracing the concept of dieting and applying it to other areas of my life as well. This is borne out of the epiphany I had early in the week about being overloaded. So I am dieting from...

putting in long hours in the studio every day
comparing myself, my work, my productivity to anyone else(s)
judging what I do as not as good as...
judging myself in any way
worry, especially financial
feeling envious of others' lives and situations
speeding in any way (i.e., slowing down)
getting too far ahead of myself (i.e., being here now)

And the last couple of days, I've felt more centered than I have in a long while. At some level the fight has gone out of me. I just want to relax...

Working Up To It...

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 04:04:00 +0000

I've been thinking about writing a post, but don't have anything solid yet. Life goes on, mostly great, occasionally I have an off moment. I guess that's something ~ my off times are moments now, not hours or days. This is definitely a good thing.

Mostly, though, I'm in the studio these days, I'm walking once or twice a week with a friend, presently I'm enjoying our 70 degree "heatwave." Although it is awfully hot and sticky in the late afternoons. But I shouldn't complain, the weather's still better here than anywhere else on the planet!

I did have an AHA! about myself Monday morning...still trying to decide whether or not I want to blog about it. The real short story is Self Acceptance. Maybe that's all I need to say about that. I don't know...I think I will write more when my thoughts are clear.

Ciao for now.

More Time Gone

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 04:20:00 +0000

The internal reordering continues. Some days I feel it more than I do other days. Like things are shifting below my conscious awareness. I can't say anything more about it right now because I just don't know.

Externally things are good. Life is going on, day by day. Things are working out, however they are, in their own way. I'm making lots of art, getting much enjoyment and satisfaction out of that. That's largely what my life is about right now, and I'm happy with that.

Another Two Weeks

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 02:29:00 +0000

I felt just a little bit in the woods today, for some unknown reason. Sometimes I'm just not settled inside, and there's a bit of churning going on without my conscious recognition of what it's about. Some kind of internal ordering, perhaps. I completed a fairly big quilt project this week and now there's a bit of a vacuum, and maybe that's partly it.

I feel on the verge of changing some aspect of my day to day life, not sure yet what that will be. A new routine, a new practice of some sort. It helps when I take on new things in that vein -- as a practice. I've gotten lazy again about exercise, meaning I haven't been doing anything, other than being on my feet in the studio every day. I do walk with a girlfriend once or twice a week, weather permitting, but she's been out of town this week. It always feels like there are so many things I want to get done in the studio, that I don't want to drop things and get outside for a while. Feels like this is what's going to change.

Life's good, overall. I cooked for supper several times this week, which had become pretty unusual for me. I'm a good cook, but being alone for so long I got pretty lazy about it. I could just as soon nosh for supper than make the effort to fix something. Of course, I didn't use to be this way, but the desire to cook, like everything else, has changed.

My darling cat is asleep on the desk to my left, being his beautiful self. We both wish you a good evening and a wonderful weekend!

Another Holiday Weekend

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 14:49:00 +0000

Independence Day is a good time to celebrate our personal sense of independence in life, and all the ramifications thereof. And I plan to be doing that this weekend. And hopefully see some fireworks tomorrow night, as well!

My big plans for the weekend are to get back into the studio and start getting caught up on projects and things in the works, stuff I've had to put on the back burner all week because I was distracted with the business aspects of my art making. Activities that will result in sales of my art, i.e., income, which I dearly need right now.

All is good. I can't think of a time in the past when I've felt as grounded and centered for as long a period of time as now. Despite my personal challenges and all the crapola going on in the world. Little is fazing me right now. I am focused on making art, that's all I really want to do. Following my bliss, as Joseph Campbell and others have said. It took me a very long time to get here and I want to make the most of it.

Celebrate your independence, in whatever way makes you most happy!

Summertime

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 02:41:00 +0000

I really appreciated all your comments on my last post, very thought provoking. Every one of us has suffered abuse of some kind around our bodies. It's so amazing to me that as spiritual beings having a human experience, we spend the better part of our singular lives working to undo the damage inflicted upon us as children. When we could be engaged in enjoying life and living our bliss, instead of frittering away our life energy to unravel the messes we've each inherited. Mind boggling.

I hung a solo exhibition of my textile work today and yesterday, at a brokerage house in Eureka, see photos here. The show runs from now through the end of August.

On Sunday Scotty and I went exploring out to the South Jetty -- the spit of land enclosing the south end of Humboldt Bay where the Humboldt Bay National Wildlife Refuge is located. Despite the fact that I've been in Humboldt for 14 years, I'd never been out there before.

Today on the way home from Eureka, I took myself on a 3 mile walk along the Humboldt Slough Trail, and got a much better idea of what the Wildlife Refuge is like. I'll be posting photos in the coming days at Texural Images, so subscribe to that if you want daily doses of these incredible places. Some notable things I saw today ~ with the tide out, the floor of the slough was verdant green with algae and moss. Unbelievable colors! And in a stand of tall trees at the south edge of the refuge was an egret rookery -- the dark tree canopy was dotted with white egrets nesting and raising their young. Truly amazing.

So today was another confirmation for me that I live in the most beautiful place in the world!

The Story

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 02:11:00 +0000

Here's that story I mentioned, that's been knocking around in my head for weeks now. It's a tale of a life spent trying to make myself into something I never was...

...and that was, thin. I was a chubby youngster, and that fact, IMO, caused my mother great distress because she had no boundaries, and what was so for me she perceived as a failure on her part. And never wanting to look bad or inappropriate to anyone she knew, my body became her project.

If only I could be thin (like my step sister, and like my mother's friends' daughters) -- if only I had straight hair (like my step sister, et al.) -- if only I was more social (like the rest). So early on, in my preteens, she began deriding my body, making fun of me, pointing out my physical shortcomings to her friends AND my friends, and enlisting them all in her effort to make me different, forbiding me to eat this or that, making me feel like an absolute freak compared with everyone else.

When I certainly wasn't. But of course, I didn't know that until much later in life. She called me obese, when I was 16 years old, 5' 6" tall, and weighed 160 pounds. She sent me to a diet doctor who gave me pills to lose weight (uppers), she made me go to Weight Watchers when it first started, 40 some odd years ago, she asked about my weight and grilled me about what I ate all the time, got my step father to pay me for every pound I lost. We'd go out to dinner, I'd reach for a piece of bread, and she would say to the table how I couldn't eat that. And how many family dinners were there where I had to watch everyone else eating dessert while I abstained. Many, many years later, after not speaking to my mother for nine years (yes, 9 years), the first thing she asked me when we did reconnect was "How much do you weigh?" Unbelievable!

So I grew up with all these eating prohibitions, mentally counting calories or carbohydrates, being on one diet after the other year after year, all an effort to keep my weight at or below 125. In my 20s and 30s, I would go on these two or three week juice fasts to maintain my weight. The fasts themselves were a kick after the first couple days, and the "thinness" would last for a few months. Then eventually I'd start eating "bad things" again -- a long binge I would call it (I never purged) -- until I couldn't stand myself any longer and would begin another fast. I did this for close to ten years. One time a chiropractor told me that I had decalcified my bones by fasting.

The dreaded number was 160 -- I always feared that if I ever weighed 160 again I would have to kill myself. I hated myself so much when I gained weight, which eventually I always did. I went up or down 20 - 30 pounds innumerable times in my life. I always felt like everyone could see that I was heavier and that meant that I was a terrible person who had no self control, who couldn't maintain thinness, who had no integrity, etc. For the better part of 45 years my weight totally controlled my affect, how I felt about myself, how I interacted with the world, what I allowed myself to do. Oy! Poor bubie!

The point of all this is that I just don't care anymore. And wow, it only took me 45 years of madness to give it all up. I have a fleshy body, I weigh 160 pounds, I am not obese, I'm still thinner than the average woman in this country, I look like I weigh maybe 15 pounds less than I do. And who gives a shit anyway?

If you're reading this and it resonates, here are a few morals to the story.

don't waste your life trying to become something you're not
especially, not for anyone else's sake
because they'll probably still hate you anyway, their derision wasn't really about your weight to begin with
never say never
please yourself, responsibly
spend your time focusing on the things you do well and the things you really want to do in life
trust your own intuition
divorce your family before you turn 55, if need be
bear in mind that you are a completely unique person, one in six-plus billion
one size, truly, does not fit all

End of story. Thanks for listening.

Suddenly Summer

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 22:51:00 +0000

Wow, what a day! After the overcast burned off, it's a stunner today. Summer is finally here, for real.

I just got back from errands in Eureka, doing paperwork, and thought I'd say hi before going back to the studio.

I'll write a real post soon, I promise!

Ditto

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 14:01:00 +0000

Another week got away from me. It's early Saturday morning now.

I was busy in the studio most of the week...it's all I want to do right now. I don't want to have to go into Eureka for anything unless it's absolutely necessary, I don't want to leave "campus" (our mobile home park), don't want to be distracted by anything these days. But of course I am, because life intervenes.

I've been in a good frame of mind, rather consistently. I've been watching myself age, watching my body change in numerous ways, not caring anymore about things that used to seem as though they mattered. I guess they did back then.

Scotty and I are doing well together. After the initial month of living together, things smoothed out into a wonderful workability. I rarely say anything about our relationship here, as you've no doubt noticed, because there's really nothing to say. It's good, we love each other, it works. Now, how am I going to manage the rest of my life, day to day?

I used to define myself by whether or not I was in a relationship, and much of my energy went into dealing with one or another aspect of said relationship. Age and maturity has changed all that, thank god. Not being in one for 20 years led me to be concerned about being in one again...but now that I am, I'm still me with all the parts of me that I, alone, must deal with in life. Wherever you go, there you are. And I'm still 100 percent myself. True, I'm more loving and accepting of life than when I was alone, and these are good things. So yeah, I've changed, but in good ways.

More soon, I hope. I have had a post in mind, a life story as it were, and one of these days I'll write it. Til then, have a good one!

Time Flies

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 06:43:00 +0000

I've been thinking about writing a post all week, and the time just got away from me.

I've got so many extra images for my image blog, that I'll be posting some here now. This photo, and one I posted at Textural Images early this week, are of a board walk in the woods up at Fern Canyon, outside of Orick, where I went with Scotty last weekend. The ferns posted at TI today are also from the canyon. I never saw anything like Fern Canyon ~ it was absolutely gorgeous, with a creek running through the canyon that you had to cross over and over again, and there were no proper bridges so my feet got wet early on. The steep walls of the canyon were completely covered with ferns, ferns and more ferns. Most in some places were Five Fingered Ferns, rather hand-like in formation, only most of these had up to 11 or 13 fingers. Just awesome. I'll post additional images at TI over the next few weeks.

Anyway, I had a really great week in the studio ~ completed a large (for me) quilt, a mid-sized one, and my 10 x 10" weekly quilt, did the next layer on a piece of art cloth, began basting another mid-sized quilt, and cut more stamps. I finished my first Collage Journal and began the second one this week. I walked three times this week, ate better this week, and generally felt great.

I started in with Twitter this week, as well...and Facebook, although I've done nothing yet on the latter except set up the account. More new techno stuff to immerse myself in. I've been on the fence about both for a while now, and finally decided to get my feet wet. It takes me a long time to do these kinds of things -- I think I'm what you'd call a laggard when it comes to adopting some of what's out there to partake of. 'Bout the time I get on board, things are generally dying down...although I don't think that's likely to happen in this instance.

On the other hand, many people would say I'm out ahead of the curve in some things, so I guess it all balances out in a lifetime.

It's midnight now and I think I'll sign off. I really do aim to post more regularly -- bear with me! And have a great weekend!

That Cat!

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Sat, 30 May 2009 13:47:00 +0000

That cat of mine took off again yesterday -- for more details on that check out his blog, here. I'm in a far better place about it this time, than I was back in April, now that I am more centered in my new life and new home. I do know he'll be back, hopefully tonight, maybe sooner, maybe later. But he will come home. Of that I'm sure.

It's gray out this morning -- the forecast calls for drizzle, clouds and/or showers for the next few days. What an unusual spring this has been, very few sunny days, warm days that I can count on the fingers of one hand. Spring is always the most mutable season anyway, but it's getting more so as time goes by. An effect of Global Warming, no doubt.

I sometimes think about the fact that with the Procession of The Equinoxes -- the equinoxes and solstices moving forward a day over time, albeit ever so slowly -- they should just move the darn things up a month. And maybe shorten a couple of seasons! I mean, it's not really summer until mid-July anyway, so why should it begin on June 21! And winter often lasts until sometime in April.

So here's my suggestion for the new seasons, to the powers that be:

Winter ~ December 22 - April 21
Spring ~ April 22 - July 21
Summer ~ July 22 - September 30
Fall ~ October 1 - December 21

What do you think?

Anyhow, on other matters, I went down to Southern Humboldt on Thursday for an appointment, and met my best friend for lunch. We took a drive in the mountains, to where I'd lived until I moved to Eureka in January 2003. I hadn't been up there since I'd moved. I'm glad to say not much has changed -- not even the road, which hasn't been repaved since well before I moved. The photo up top is of Bear Buttes, and I used to look at that very view from my hillside garden there.

It really is amazingly beautiful in SoHum. I loved the dry heat for the day (although it becomes stultifyingly hot in no time as summer moves in), and the dry air carries the scent of trees and flowers. I know why I fell in love with that place when I migrated there from San Francisco in 1995. Although I've been back a few times since leaving in 2003, for some reason this time I felt more at home there. Not that I would ever move back, not on your life. But I am going to the low-income dental clinic down there, which is why I went on Thursday, doing new patient paperwork, so I'll have a reason to go a couple times a year anyway. And now that I'm living in Fortuna, and 15 miles closer than when I lived in Eureka, it only takes 45 minutes to get there and doesn't seem like such a big deal.

Today Scotty and I are going up to Fern Canyon, which I think is in Prairie Creek Redwoods State Park outside of Orick (the last town north in Humboldt County). It'll be good to get away for the day, and hopefully BeeGee will be waiting for us when we get home!

Just Now Spring

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Thu, 28 May 2009 02:42:00 +0000

Feels like spring finally got here...and whoa!, in three weeks it'll officially be summer. Go figure! I just found this photo on the internet, and it looks amazingly like the hillside right behind my house in Southern Humboldt, the woods and the daffodils especially.

But that was long ago and far away. Although I will be going down to SoHum tomorrow for a couple hours, and I'm looking forward to the dry heat there.

I was thinking about how I haven't been posting regularly here -- and likewise, I haven't been writing in my journal lately, either. When I'm in a level place, as I am right now, there isn't that much to write, it seems.

Mostly I've been in a good place. And in those moments that aren't as good, I've been working with myself to incorporate them into the good place, anyway. It's not going to get any better than it is right now. When I'm less than really happy about something, well, that's just how I'm feeling in the moment and it'll likely be different tomorrow. Guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm not letting myself get attached to momentary changes of heart.

I am glad to report that I don't even think about the old life anymore. All things considered, the psychic transition was quicker for me with this big move than it has been before. I suppose that would indicate that I am getting more flexible in my older age.

I'll write again soon. Now that I've broken the ice again, I bet I'll start thinking about things to write!

Another Move...

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Mon, 18 May 2009 01:46:00 +0000

...but only the collages I periodically upload to this blog.

My last post here included an image of a recent collage of mine. Over the weekend, while I was working with images of collages that I took on Friday, I decided to start another blog, devoted only to my collage pieces.

Come by and see the new blog at Collage Journey. I think you'll like it!

I'm Still Here!

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Fri, 15 May 2009 14:56:00 +0000

I haven't vanished, I've been occupied ~ which is a good thing! Actually, last week was a bit of a downer for me, much of it spent semi-depressed, another wave of letting go of the old life ~ hopefully the last sizeable wave.

But this week I've been on top of things, or closer to the top than I've been in a while, anyway. Maybe when we truly get to the top, we die! I'm in a higher state of comfort right now with the perpetual, existential questions that plague me. I think I am not destined to be completely comfortable in life. Much of what goes on in my 60-year-old brain is stuff that I certainly thought would have been resolved by this time. I'm seeing now that it probably never will be, that I've just got to learn to live with it and make the best of it. What other option is there?

I have a lot of projects cooking in the studio now, so I've been spending increasing amounts of time there. Another arena of growing comfort!

Have a good Friday and weekend. I plan to!

Some Sunshine

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Sun, 03 May 2009 15:05:00 +0000

It's been raining and/or overcast for days, now. This morning, though, there is a bit of sunshine. Actually, it's more like there are patches of pale blue sky amidst the striations of more rain clouds coming this way. I have a good view of the sky from my south-facing office window, so I can play weatherperson.

Life has been rolling along, somewhat normally, the new normal, anyway. Normal is so relative. My errant friend came back into my life, my kitty doesn't go out anymore, I'm feeling increasingly comfortable with life in general, just when I think I'm down to my last few bucks, a bit of money comes in, I'm in good health overall, and I've been ramping up my creativity lately.

There's really nothing wrong with this picture. Thank God for small miracles!

Recalcitrant Spring

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 01:11:00 +0000

My new ornamental garden! Grasses, including bamboo and fountain grass, flaxes from Australia and New Zealand, my favorite sage Salvia Elegans, a hosta, and a New Zealand iris relative.

We'll see how well they do in this very clayey soil with a lot of rock in the top six inches. I have a green thumb, though, so I expect them to do well. If anything disturbs the plants, especially the bamboo, it'll be the wind. This side of the house gets full sun for most of the day, and these plants should love that.

The weather has been unruly. Often sunny but cold and windy, sometimes overcast with an occasional drizzle, on the verge of hot when the wind is down ~ in short, a little bit of everything. I'm looking forward to it warming up for real.

I had a relatively slow yet productive weekend, took naps both days, got two little quilts ready to ship off to a show tomorrow, and gardened.

I've been reminded lately of that poem or whatever that goes around the internet occasionally ~ about friends for reasons and friends for seasons, folks who remain friends for a lifetime, and those who drift out of our lives after a brief stay.

The thing about it that perplexes me is when you're going along with someone for a while, and then some change happens to one of you, and the other person disappears without letting you know -- just stops getting in touch, doesn't return your calls or email. Poof, gone! It always feels kind of weird to me. I'm never quite sure how to handle it gracefully. I suppose it's true that there are very few people one can really count on in a lifetime. And most of the people who come and go in our lives just aren't of that calibre...even though I nearly always expect, or hope that they will be.

It always makes me a little sad when this happens. Feels like I didn't get to have a say in the matter. But then I start looking back at the connection to see whether, in fact, it started to go sour well before I realized it. And it makes me feel like I need to tune up my radar to better anticipate these breaks.

When maybe it's just another thing to let go of and be done with!

BeeGee's Blog!

connierose0218@att.net (Connie Rose) — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 17:39:00 +0000

BeeGee told me this morning that because he's a stay-at-home cat now, he wants his own blog. So of course I said Okay! And he's already done his first post, so check it out here ~ BeeGee's Cat Blog.