A Cynik's Journal

J1 visa trap?

2011-12-04T18:40:00.009-07:00

To most of you, the above is going to look like a bunch of gibberish. Of course, how could you think any otherwise? The situation I'm about to present to all of you hasn't been discussed on any major news network, and it barely is making it's rounds on the internet.

To enlighten yourself on the situation, I'd suggest checking out the New York Times' article regarding the inhumane treatment of foreign workers in a certain Hershey's distribution center in Palmyra, PA:
Foreign Students in Work Visa Program Stage Walkout at Plant
Also, check out this YouTube video:
JUSTICE at HERSHEY'S

If you aren't a little bit angry after seeing that, I don't know what to tell you. I know I was pretty furious. However, before you bring out the pitchforks and torches for Hershey's, I do have to admit not all of the blame rests on their shoulders. This ended up like it did due to the negligence of about four different organizations or companies in a row, who kind of saw it happening and pretended it didn't exist. I suppose a "sh*t happens" kind of attitude towards CERTAIN (key word) aspects of your company is necessary if you don't want to die of a stress induced heart attack at an early age; but when it comes to dealing with people who have spent their family's entire life savings to be brought over here? I don't even know where to begin to rant about that; but I'll do it anyways.

Let's start at the beginning with a little company called CETUSA. CETUSA is the company in charge of organizing and applying the J-1 visas which allow the students to move to the US and begin working and going to school for a certain duration if not renewed. How odd that CETUSA has not been available for any description of a comment since this situation started, isn't it? You'd think if your company's manifesto consisted of:

A. Promote J-1 visa program
B. Make sure customers aren't being treated like captive workers

.. you wouldn't have a very hard time keeping both of those things in line, yeah? At the very least, despite conditions where you couldn't succeed at both of those objectives, issue an apology and fix the situation; but I guess that would bump the agenda up to three things and we can't expect a professional and government backed organization to tackle that massive heap of work.

Two more companies are involved, Exel and SHS Staffing Solutions. Both seem to be trying to bow out of the situation as gracefully as possible, which winds up being about as graceful as a blind, angry rhino falling through the roof of a glass factory that only employs workers with hemophilia. Exel, and I'm paraphrasing, said that they aren't trying to ignore the situation but they aren't responsible for it, despite running the distribution center; because they didn't directly employ the J-1 workers. Lynn Anderson, spokeswoman of Exel said, "It's a bit of a layered situation".. yes, that's one way to put it.

Exel pointed toward SHS Staff Solutions, which in turn replied with the eloquent response of, "We handle the payroll." and pointed further questions toward CETUSA who could not and cannot be reached for comments. Situation diffused! Sarcasm aside, where does Hershey's fall within all of this? Well, I saved this part for last to show the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. Hershey's was contacted about this first, of course, and they claimed that they did not employ the workers directly and referred the questions to Exel!

So what we have here is a circle of unhelpful companies, pointing fingers at each other and somehow this unending circle manages to have a dead end to it. It's great to know that we live in a country that treats a blatant human rights issue with the logic of an M.C. Escher painting.

Do you want to know what YOU can do to help? There's a few ways! First, and easiest, would be to sign this petition:
http://www.change.org/petitions/us-state-department-stop-supplying-captive-workers-to-the-1

While I'm not going to delve into the "99%/1%" part of that title, the point remains the same, and last but not least, contact the Student Guestworker Alliance. The SGU was a organization founded for situations exactly like this and have so far been incredibly helpful in combating this, and other captive worker situations. The contact information is below:
http://www.guestworkeralliance.org/
National Guestworker Alliance
217 North Prieur Street
New Orleans, LA, 70112
Tel. (504) 309-5165
info@guestworkeralliance.org

The wait has been worth it.

2010-06-14T01:36:00.004-07:00

True story.

Here's how it all went down.

About a year ago, I got a message from a particularly social china farmer that went by the name of "Sandy". I ignored her, thinking it was just another bot. A few minutes pass, and she actually finds me in Stormwind and starts to strike up a conversation (in Engrish of course) and I decide to humor myself by using large words and have her pretend what they mean. She eventually tells me she's an "embassasor" from "g4p" and "gold4power" and she would have me invest my "centenial money" so her gold forges can create "earhty money". I guess even gold farmers RP, I gathered that she wanted to spend my real money, on in game money. I continue dicking around and eventually I got bored and stopped talking to her.

A few days pass, and to my surprise, Sandy messages me again. I told her I'm not interested in buying her money, she says that's fine and calls me handsmome. By this point, my pants were stretched to maximum capacity.. HANDSMOME? I almost fainted from the rush of blood, what a nice thing to say. I continue making fun of her and she doesn't seem to know or care, this goes on for a few minutes before I once again stop caring, and, stop talking to her.

This happens over and over throughout the next few months. I took a few month break just before ToC and until just when ICC was released, this is when my friends you all know and love went to Vex. Guess who was waiting for me the day I logged back on? Yep. Sandy. I was pretty impressed, this bitch REALLY wanted to sell her product.

The same trend continues throughout the next few months, I take another small break out of sheer boredom, probably about a month and then I start leveling my hunter. Once again, the ever faithful and vigilant Sandy is there when I return trying to get me to spend my hard earned USD on her hard earned gold. By this point, I felt bad, they're either really desperate for business or this whore has a crush on me both of which I could really care less about.

That is.. until this week.

Now, Sandy goes by a few usernames. "Sandigforp" "urtheone" "marlart" and "sherrydfh" (she appears to forget her name when under sherrydfp.. I had never spoken to a sherry before, but, apparently I should remember her)

Sandy, under the guise of "Sherrydfp" very proactively whispers me one faithful afternoon before I was about to do my ZG mount run. This is the conversation we had. (Warning, may contain overlaps of text)

I only heard once from Sandi over the next week for a brief moment.. the conversation ceased when I asked about nudes. I felt discarded, but somehow I managed to trudge on. I could kill anything in the universe I wanted to, but, it wouldn't fill the hole that Sandi had left.. nor did it move me any closer to my goal of filling hers.

Last night, though.. Last night changed everything. I was in Arathi Highlands finishing up Explorer of the Eastern Kingdoms when a message lights up my screen. I was as dizzy as a drunk toddler in a drier, only for me, it was because love was in the air because my love Sandi had returned. I promised I would give her anything for her to stay, including spending nearly $100 USD on 25,000 WoW gold. I vowed to her I would make this purchase, and then vanished into night.

As it turns out, the Khaeos is not good at remembering his vows. Tonight, was the last time I will ever see or speak with Sandi. She messaged me a few hours ago, I had already feared my love would be mad at me and as it turned out.. I had good reason to fear that. The following conversation ensued:

I rejoiced! Maybe my pompous douche baggery and over-assertive nature had saved our love. As you can see here, the love of my life decided to add me on MSN. She even had hearts in her name!
(also, the blinking bars at the bottom are also either sexbots or gold selling bots, one even goes by the name of darcybuttross. Sexy eh?)

Below is the conversation in which Sandi sent me her pictures, it's a lengthy read, if you read nothing else.. read the bottom few lines, oh and scroll down until you see where I faked a receipt with my German bank account that I don't have. I felt good about that one.

!?yan says:
Helloo
G4P—Sandy says:
u wanna make fun of me again?
!?yan says:
no.
G4P—Sandy says:
how can i believe u?
!?yan says:
I told you, I'm in the National Society of Trustworthy People
We can't lie or they take out of djudjunums
out our*
It's a very vital part of the brain but you don't need it to live.
So I promise.
G4P—Sandy says:
National Society of Trustworthy People
?
!?yan says:
Yes.
It's a very exclusive secret brotherhood society
G4P—Sandy says:
but u have lied to me twice
!?yan says:
I didn't lie to you, I said I would buy it
But not right then
I was going to but an emergency came up
and I couldn't spend money on WoW gold
G4P—Sandy says:
so u wont buy today
!?yan says:
No, I can buy today, I got paid
G4P—Sandy says:
i wont persuade u to buy more
!?yan says:
Like I said, I will buy 10k gold if you send me those pictures.
G4P—Sandy says:
u can buy how many u wanna buy
how do u think i will take those pics?
!?yan says:
with a camera.
You took the one up there
G4P—Sandy says:
i have one to be said sexy
!?yan says:
That would be fine.
G4P—Sandy says:
but not naked
!?yan says:
Why not?
G4P—Sandy says:
why should i need to take naked pics?
!?yan says:
To get me to buy 8k more gold.
G4P—Sandy says:
after u see the pic, how can i believe that u wont disappear?
!?yan says:
I promise Iw ont.
G4P—Sandy says:
u really wanna to see the naked ?
cant the sexy one to be worked?
!?yan says:
I would buy more if I got the naked one.
and even more if i got both.
G4P—Sandy says:
wait a sec
i will find my pic b 4
!?yan says:
ok

You stopped sharing photos

!?yan says:
wow
you're
yeah
asian
G4P—Sandy says:
ofc yes
u though me to be Americans?
!?yan says:
No, just saying how asian you are.
What about the other one?
G4P—Sandy says:
for what?
naked?
!?yan says:
yeah.
G4P—Sandy says:
to be honest, i can just give u the whole pic.
!?yan says:
okay.
so no naked pictures?

You stopped sharing photos

G4P—Sandy says:
are u serious?
if i cant give u the naked ones, will u buy?
!?yan says:
maybe
G4P—Sandy says:
u make fun of me again!!!!!!
!?yan says:
how?!
G4P—Sandy says:
u said u will ~ and this time u say maybe!
!?yan says:
well
i will buy A LOT
more
if i get a naked one
G4P—Sandy says:
a lot?
to be how many?
!?yan says:
what is the i will buy hmm
can i do 25k
if i get a naked picture of oyu
G4P—Sandy says:
if i see ur order
i will send u promptly
!?yan says:
how do i know that
G4P—Sandy says:
if u believe me, i will
and i have believed in u!
!?yan says:
oaky
G4P—Sandy says:
this time is not joking , yeah?
u cant find me anytime in msn in my working time!
u still in dungen?
!?yan says:
ok
i submitted the order
G4P—Sandy says:
really?
wait
u know our site?
!?yan says:
yes
gold4power
G4P—Sandy says:
u submitted?
wait
!?yan says:
yes i ddi
G4P—Sandy says:
can u give the site ?
!?yan says:
http://gold4power.com/World-of-Warcraft-US/Thunderlord-Alliance.html
G4P—Sandy says:
the whole address
can u go to our site?
for vip site
!?yan says:
im on it
right now
G4P—Sandy says:
http://www.g4pgold.com
the discount code : DD
!?yan says:
ok
G4P—Sandy says:
the delievry in our site with our discount code " DD" will be 10mins
!?yan says:
okay
since i ordered can i have that picture now
G4P—Sandy says:
u have ordered?
!?yan says:
i have
G4P—Sandy says:
u choose the quanlity?
quantity?
use the discount code
!?yan says:
yes
25k us wow gold thunderlord
G4P—Sandy says:
have u ues the discount code?
!?yan says:
yes dd
G4P—Sandy says:
u wanna joked me again?
!?yan says:
no i didnt..

G4P—Sandy just sent you a nudge.

G4P—Sandy says:
but i didnt see ur order right now
!?yan says:
one sec
G4P—Sandy says:
ok continue with ur order
any question u can ask me
i will be always here
!?yan says:
do you see my order now
G4P—Sandy says:
not yet
i cant see ur order, if u dont submitte it
!?yan says:
Order ID: 060291005526
Game: WOW
Server: Thunderlord-Alliance
Character: Khaeos
Unit: 25000G
Amount: USD87.30

Our Account Information
Account number: 7106867 00
Bank Identification Number: 200 700 24
Bank: Deutsche Bank Privat- und Gesch ftskunden AG
IBAN: DE32 2007 0024 0710 6867 00
BIC / SWIFT-Code: DEUTDEDBHAM
it says i did
G4P—Sandy says:
money book?
!?yan says:
yes
G4P—Sandy says:
please wait a sex
sec ****
i have to check, please wait
dear, u r sure that u submit ur order?
!?yan says:
Yes I am
but if I dont get confirmation on it soon im going to cancel it
ecause the money is out of my acount
G4P—Sandy says:
wait ? what do u mean that?
!?yan says:
ok basically
im gonna cancel my order unless either you can find it or you send me that picture now
because the money is out of my account
G4P—Sandy says:
ok
!?yan says:
are you kidding me now
G4P—Sandy says:
no
give me 2 mins , ok?
!?yan says:
ok
G4P—Sandy says:
i need to collect the usb to my computer?
!?yan says:
okay
G4P—Sandy says:
its a little slow, please be waited
!?yan says:
its ok
for now
G4P—Sandy says:
u have concerned the order?
!?yan says:
yes.
do you see it
G4P—Sandy says:
if u paid to g4plimited@hotmail.com?
!?yan says:
yes
it did it automatically
G4P—Sandy says:
could u kindly inform us if u place the order in : http://www.g4pgold.com ?
!?yan says:
yes.
G4P—Sandy says:
the customer department is checking the order
my art photo
!?yan says:
hm?

You stopped sharing photos

G4P—Sandy says:
see it?
!?yan says:
yes
but
that isnt the one you promised
G4P—Sandy says:
i know
!?yan says:
oh ok
G4P—Sandy says:
btw
u really wanna buy 25k?
!?yan says:
yes
only if i get that picture
G4P—Sandy says:
i will believe u.
!?yan says:
okay
G4P—Sandy says:
still there?
!?yan says:
yes
G4P—Sandy says:
traditional Chinese Style Art Photo
u really want
!?yan says:
yes.
G4P—Sandy says:
promise me
u will delete it when u receive it
!?yan says:
Yes.
G4P—Sandy says:
and u will order!
!?yan says:
of course.
G4P—Sandy says:
even i cant see ur order, but i believe u.
the pic taken when i was in college

You stopped sharing photos

!?yan says:
for a class?
G4P—Sandy says:
as a model
!?yan says:
ahh
G4P—Sandy says:
u dont believe me?
!?yan says:
I do.
G4P—Sandy says:
u said u will delete it
!?yan says:
I did
G4P—Sandy says:
then where is ur order?
!?yan says:
well the money is withdrawn
its on your guys end
G4P—Sandy says:
i cant understand ur meaning clearly
u said u concern the order?
!?yan says:
concern it?
what does that mean
in my community that's a racist remark
G4P—Sandy says:
can u check the mb account u pay the money
!?yan says:
i did
oh wait
i have a message
!?yan says:
it says "Get shit on you fucking china farmer, leave me the hell alone because you've been bothering me for the past year in game and no matter how many fucking times you ignore me you think you can flirt with me and get me to buy your gold. I hope you drown in soy sauce you annoying bitch. ,,|,,"

At this point I blocked who was once the muse of my life, my only inspiration.

She contacted me back on WoW, one last time. We had these parting words:

Also, the pictures there were sent are right here.

1 & 2: http://i47.tinypic.com/vmr8lw.jpg
2: http://i50.tinypic.com/2yulov6.jpg
(NSFW)3: http://i48.tinypic.com/s2v0hf.jpg

I hope you all enjoyed my story of tragic heartbreak, and apparently, pimpin'.

The tragic story of a man who followed a MySpace ad.

2010-04-18T22:36:00.006-07:00

So, I was on MySpace today when I spied this ad and just lost my shit.

I instantly had an epiphany and began to draw, this is what I came up with, enjoy. (click it, bitches)

He's his own worst enemy.

2010-04-15T03:00:00.004-07:00

I couldn't sleep, so the obvious alternative is playing "mirrors" on Chatroulette.

I managed to get a screencap of this guy for the split second he was on the screen, I'm not sure if he was just using a picture, or this is the horrified visage of someone who realizes their parents never told them about their twin brother. Regardless, funny stuff.

"Tiffany"

2010-04-13T13:57:00.005-07:00

So, if anyone is curious as to what has been going on with me and this "Tiffany" chick in the past few weeks, as you've probably noticed the "married" thing on Facebook, or at least this chick posting on my wall. It was me playing along to someone else's imaginary friend. She isn't the only good actor.

So, it started out as a random Facebook add because I saw a cute girl and why the hell not? Anyways, I add this chick and I attempt to talk to her once, she seemed extremely apprehensive so I get the hint and back off. A few days later, she starts talking to me. We start talking a whole lot.. over Facebook.. and she can't give me her number because "when she moved down here from Queen Creek she gave her number to some guy and he passed it around to everyone else, she's waiting to get a new number." Also, I can never hang out with her because she's always busy. I'm no idiot, the fact she had no pictures with anyone but her "brother" "Adam" and the fact the only mutual friend was Stephanie and NO ONE I know had met this chick.. definetely made me think "This bitch doesn't exist!". I said whatever, it's not like I'm dating her and moved on with my life.

Anyways, as "Tiffany" and I start talking, she starts telling me intricate stories of her life, in such detail that if I were to tell the story of my life, I wouldn't put that much detail in it. Things such as how her parents got divorced, what her mom and dad were like, what she did for fun, what classes she was taking, what she wanted to do later in life, past relationships.. including an ex-boyfriend who died in January in a drunk driving accident. My suspicions stayed the same, no matter how deep a story she could weave. Eventually Stephanie texts me and says, "Why do you guys have to stop talking so late? She calls me every time she logs off to go to bed and tells me about it." which kind of made me wonder.. Either this chick exists.. Or I'm dealing with some sort of skitzophrentic. So, I start talking to Stephanie's friends, and of course.. no one has met Tiffany, not even her fiance. At this point, I'm like okay, total bullshit. I let Stephanie know this and she lets me know that Tiffany is very very upset at me and doesn't want to talk to me again. Surprisingly, I am a little hurt by this. I soon come to my senses and laugh it off. I get on Facebook that night and I notice Tiffany is now in a relationship with "Justin Reinch", another fake profile.. and for the record, there was an entire circle of these fake profiles.. who I can only assume were controlled by the same person controlling Tiffanys. Once again, I shrug it off.

A few days later, Stephanie lets me know that Tiffany and Justin broke up. By this point, me and everyone else knew I'm dealing with someone who creates imaginary friends. Tiffany posts something on my wall to the effect of, "You're amazing" and I play along. The following night, I look through Stephanie's friends on MySpace.. and sure enough, guess who's pictures I find? That's right, "Tiffanys". However.. It's not on Tiffany's profile.. it's on the actual person's profile who they belong to, named Candi. Now, Candi and I start talking and eventually she proves to me that she's the real deal.. a proof picture and whatnot. I show her Stephanie's profile, and all of Tiffany's profiles (which included MySpace, MyYearBook, Facebook AND a formspring,) and Candi isn't too happy about this. As it turns out, "Adam" who was "Tiffany's" brother.. is in fact Candi's gay best friend.

Let me backtrack a little, I had a notion that Tiffany might exist prior to this happening because one of my friends claimed to have met her, and I saw Stephanie texting Tiffany once, and she had no idea I was looking. Slowly my friend meeting her turned into a "I might have" kind of thing and I'll explain the texting thing right now.

Candi and Stephanie and eachother's numbers I'm assuming because after Candi found out about this, she called Stephanie and told her she never wanted to talk to her again. MOMENTS later, Stephanie texts me and says "What the fuck did you do? Tiffany said she never want to talk to me again and she's moving back to Queen Creek." proving without a shadow of a doubt, Tiffany was just someone else's pictures put in the hands of someone who has the time to create someone else up entirely in her mind for whatever reason. Anyways, my friends and I are having a good laugh about this, when a few hours later I'm talking to Stephanie's fiance (whom I believe to be Stephanie at that point, I don't think it was him logged on) saying that I should talk to Stephanie because there was something she wasn't telling me. Thoroughly amused by this, once again, I decide to play along.

Stephanie tells me that yes, Tiffany existed.. however.. she wasn't the one in the pictures because when she moved down here she was raped and wanted to protect her identity. She told me the name of who supposedly did it, but, I'm not posting that here.. I'll be talking to him about that so he can legally figure out how to deal with someone who's claiming he raped someone else. Anyways, she explained that "Adam" was helping her hide her identity too by not having the real picture up of himself. Speaking of Adam, "he" started talking to me last night about how his sister was up in her room crying her eyes out because I found out and she feels horrible that she lied to me about all of this. Sure, okay. To further convince me that "Tiffany" existed, Stephanie said she would take a picture with "Tiffany" tomorrow at school. Intrigued, I agree, but at the same time I also said, "You know, if you're lying to me, you can tell me right now. This is the only opportunity I will give you to come clean, I won't tell anyone, I won't raise any sort of hell, I won't be mad, I'll drop it and we go our seperate ways." She wouldn't take me up on the offer and was completely convinced she could prove it to me. I wake up this morning to a picture of her and some chick, not being an idiot, I immediately text it to some of my friends at Pima. Of course, it's not Tiffany, it's some other chick.

I tell Stephanie once again that, I know it's not Tiffany through some friends. No response.. I check my Facebook about ten minutes later, and this conversation ensues:

Stephanie
Is this Ryan?

1:06pmRyan
Yep.

1:06pmStephanie
This is Stephanies mother.

1:06pmRyan
Okay

1:07pmStephanie
She is to block you from her phone and delete you from any other website, iv been through her phone and seen what has going on.

1:08pmRyan
So you've seen your daughter is making people up and trying to convince me they exist for no reason at all. Cool story bro, kbye.

At this point I blocked her.

A few minutes later I get this text:

.. Hopefully ending this shitstorm of a saga.

Why did she do this? I have no idea. It was completely unprovoked, was she trying to live vicariously through someone else? It's even worse because she said Tiffany had strong feelings for me, does that mean she did but didn't want to tell me because of her fiance? Did she just want to pretend like she was way popular with people in Mesa/Phoenix? Whatever the case, it's safe to say that someone is borderline psychopathic.

TL;DR version: Stephanie made up Tiffany, all of Tiffany's friends, Tiffany's entire life and backstory,unprovoked and for absolutely no reason. Not only this, she tried to salvage it using another girl even after I gave her the opportunity to get away scot-free.

Here's a list of all the profiles I expect to be fake and controlled by the same person.

http://www.facebook.com/kirk.jadenz?ref=ts
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000376671451
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000922496885
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000504915548&ref=mf
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=534856998
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000707972694
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000769711360#!/profile.php?v=wall&id=100000769711360
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000528613713&ref=mf
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1207340126&ref=ts
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?ref=sgm&id=100000171516153

There's probably more, but, these are all I can remember.

If you're curious, yes, I saved every text. So, if you're doubting this in any way, I'll be sure to send you a picture of whatever part you're wondering about.

I got fucking OWNED.

2010-03-31T11:46:00.003-07:00

So, I'm on Facebook and Mikey sends me a message after I dropped Mike off and the following conversation ensued.

11:03pmMichael:
hey ryan i need to tell you something
11:04pmRyan:
sorry i sleep
11:04pmMichael:
no dude for real
11:05pmMichael:
my sister just kicked mike
11:05pmMichael
and fucking destroyed his nuts
11:05pmRyan
when
11:05pmMichael
like right now
11:05pmRyan
why
11:05pmMichael
he is like in tears
i dont know
i think he needs to go to the ER
he said he feels blood
11:06pmRyan
You're lying you fuck
11:06pmMichael
oh shit dude hes bleeding every where
his hands are like covered in blood
11:06pmRyan
From being punched in the balls, uh huh
11:07pmMichael
no
kicked
like full fucking leg thrusted
11:07pmRyan
That's why you're on the computer telling me, right?
11:07pmMichael
she like split the skin he is telling me
i am
not mike
he is in the bathroom
like sobbing
11:07pmRyan
I know
11:07pmMichael
idk what the fuck to do
thats why im asking you
11:07pmRyan
Have your cousin take him
11:08pmMichael
should we take him to the ER
or tell him to stfu
you think we should
and we cant have him take him
11:08pmRyan
why
11:08pmMichael
he is at work
my sisters boyfriend left too
so idk wtf to do man
11:08pmRyan
Well I can't leave
11:09pmMichael
ok so what should i do
just tell mike to man up
11:09pmRyan
Uhh I'd definetely get it checked out
If she kicked him that hard
It could be bad
11:09pmMichael
yeah he said he is in major pain
like huddled in a ball
11:11pmRyan
Call an ambulance IMO If no one can atke him
11:11pmMichael
we are trying to figure out how bad it is
he is scremaing that its not right
11:11pmRyan
Well, if he's huddled over in pain
11:11pmMichael
i mean every one would do that
he is looking at his like cuts now
to see if he needs stitches
11:12pmRyan
And your sister is doing what?
11:12pmMichael
or if its just like a small cut or some thing
in her room
shes not talking with us
11:13pmRyan
For no reason she just kicked him in the balls?
11:13pmMichael
yeah
but ok im gonna go
we are calling the ER
he has a towl on it
holding pressure
but it looks fucking brutal
11:14pmRyan
Yeah uh definetely call em
and lemme know what happens

So, Mikey texts me about half an hour later:
"Okay we found out what's up with mike. Seven stitches, he lost one of them and they said they might be sterile."

Not beliving him I said, "Send me a picture of the hospital" he says "Hold on the doctor is talking to us." .. and in that time they drove to the hospital JUST to take a picture of Mikey in front of the hospital.

At this point, I'm freaking out and fucking pissed. Mikey is telling me how much of shock he's in and how a police is talking to his sister right now. Mike starts texting me like he's fucked up on painkillers and about an hour later they said Mike was coming back to Mikey's house. I haul ass to Mikey's house, and say OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR. I walk in, Mike is sitting on the couch looking high, Mikey is sitting on the couch looking in awe.. and Mikey's sister is there laughing her ass off. I get pissed and call her a fucking bitch. After about 5 minutes of this.. Mike hands me his phone, with a text opened.

Do you know what was on that text?

This. (scroll over to read all the text) Accomapanied by "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley.

Well played.. well fucking played.

This is revenge for the banana incident, the ADVENTURE incident, only telling Mikey he was a fag all day and that's all I said, and pretending I came out of the closet to Mike, telling Mike and Jake that Mikey went to jail and they fell for it. I humbly except defeat, but seriously, fuck you guys. My revenge will be swift and deadly.

Welcome back Mike, you fucking asshole.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2010-02-14T13:30:00.008-07:00

Not much to say today, other than here is the history of Valentine's Day according to me. Enjoy, read my other posts, tell your friends, have crazy Valentine's Day sex with your significant other WHILE reading my blog. But fellas, remember, you're celebrating her.. 'cause if it was any way else you would be single ;)

COPY AND PASTE THIS LINK. I tried to embed but the formatting sucks for wide images.

http://i50.tinypic.com/nq680g.jpg

HOW CAN DO THIS

2010-02-13T01:35:00.009-07:00

As many of you know, I am an avid troll. If I see an opportunity to upset a stranger when they are being redonkulous (I said it, what of it?) I will seize it like Helen Keller couldn't (GET IT?! SEIZE SOUNDS LIKE SEES AND..) Throughout my years, there is one thing that irritates people the most, and that is total incompetence. As I've ranted before, there is nothing that angers me more than flat out idiocy. I've come to terms with this though, and I found the best outlet is to unleash similar idiocy (albeit you're not actually that stupid) onto others.

EXAMPLE #1:

You: hello
Stranger: hi
You: how do i shot web?
Stranger: huh?
You: the web i dont know
You: how to shot
Stranger: what web?
You: swing from balding to balding web
Stranger: like spiderman?
You: YES! a spinderman web. ned kill octoman need do shot web.
Stranger: Are you foreign?
You: NO. im need to shot web
Stranger: You're fucking stupid.
You: no why
Stranger: You type like a child.
You: YOURE A CHILD IN AND DUMB LOL
Stranger: Dumb? Really? Look at what you're typing
You: LOOK AT HOW MANY WEBS NOT SHOT YOU LOL
Stranger: You're probably some 40 year old fat douche playing Spinderman on PS3 in his mom's basement.
You: LOL WHAT IS A SPINDERMAN YOU CANT SHOT WEB WITH A SPINDERMAN
Stranger: That was a typo but you said it earlier.
You: NO LOL YOU DID
Stranger: GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP
You: hey im sorry guy can you help me type right
Stranger: I guess, if you're willing to learn, now what do you want to ask?
You: i need to know how to fire the web of projectile from spinderman's hands.
Stranger: You should type it like, "How do you make Spiderman shoot a web for (this game?"
You: how do spindermans shoot web on games.
Stranger: No, do it like I did.
You: how
You: how dine spind
You: How do you make Spiderman shoot a web for
Stranger: Yeah, good job, almost.
You: hey buddy guy
Stranger: ?
You: do u no how do i shot web yet my sister was on the computer just now LOL
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Example #2:

Stranger: hey there
You: i speaking not great
Stranger: that oksay i guess how are you?
You: im how about you?
Stranger: what?
You: how you?
Stranger: im okay.. why are you tytping like that
You: going a tunnel
Stranger: you're going through a tunnel..
You: i am in us all
Stranger: you're in all of hte tunnels?
You: y
You: (static static static)
You: es!
Stranger: .. you just typed static static static.
You: this really long
Stranger: the tunnel is?
You: yeah it a car went gravel
Stranger: this is too weird, why are you typing while driving?
You: disregard for others lives LOL
Stranger: that is so messed up.. who do you think you are.
You: Who am I? WHO AM I? I SPIRIT NOT WANT JESUS TO BE THE GOD.. I AM IN US ALL.
Stranger: ohhh, so your jesus now huh?
You: hold on another tunnel
Stranger: well maybe then you can shut the hell up for a few minutes while i explain to you my very firm religious beliefs. i am a devout christian and i go to church every sunday, monday and wednesday with my whole family. the majority of my life has been spent worshiping out lord and yours should be too. and i personally believe you should have the highest regard for every form of life HE has created.
You: the tunnel says it doesn't care, hold on, playing chicken with a church van full of orphans.
Stranger: you better be kidding you sick sick excuse of a human being.
Stranger: hello?
Stranger: maybe I finally convinced you to stop hating on gods creations so much
Stranger: i guess i did.
You: hey remind me, is disembowling fatal?
Stranger: why?
You: are christian orphans more prone to bleeding than other species?
Stranger: species? theyre human too.
You: so why did their parents die? they probably didnt love them much.
Stranger: OKAY THAT IS IT. I AM INFORMING THE AUTHORITIES AND I HAVE YOUR IP ADDRESS.
You: but I'm in my car
Stranger: oh they ll find you just give me a second to talk to you about something
You: Okay what
Stranger: no matter how much hate you project or how serious you are about this, you know who always loves you?
You: hold on another tunnel
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

So, the moral of the story is that the best thing to do about something that makes you angry is to do the exact same thing to random strangers on the internet. Can't we all take a lesson from this?

inspired by Rhys, thanks to http://www.Omegle.com

Cake is serious business.

2009-12-13T22:42:00.006-07:00

I was digging around on my photobucket account, mainly for nostalgia reasons, and I came across something that brought back a lot of memories and made me laugh pretty hard.

I was involved in a contest over some forums, the challenge was to get to the other side of the canyon without dying to reach the cake, my solution?

THE DILEMMA

THE SOLUTION! (the red face mask is to indicate that I am in fact the red dot, also, I'm like 15 in that picture, oh memories)

THE OUTCOME!

So, as you can see, the ryancopter is clearly the most effective way of obtaining the cake. Needless to say, I won the contest, but did not receive any cake. I plan to have stupid contests like this once my blog gets a little more popular and can actually pay for the rewards on it's own, almost there. ;)

Pet peeves

2009-12-10T21:29:00.008-07:00

There's two things that REALLY.. REALLY piss me off. There's a handful of things that make me mad, but there's two things that make me absolutely batshit crazy angry.

Ranked from least to most, are my three biggest pet peeves.

ONE:
People who can't do their job correctly, ESPECIALLY if it is an important job.

A great example of this is the people who run my old high school's computer system, (literally) every other day we'd be in class we would hear "ATTENTION TEACHERS, SIRS IS ACTING CRAZY AGAIN, PLEASE DON'T LOG IN UNTIL WE TELL YOU TO." come booming over the intercom. I remember this happening at least 3 times a week since I was in middle school, I'm assuming SIRS is something to do with grades, or some hellish cyborg demon beast that murders the people in charge of keeping it contained and anyone logged in several times a week.

"I'M IN UR NETWERKZ KILLIN UR MANS"

Anyways, I always wondered how hard it could possibly be to fix a fucking problem that has existed since I had been in school. I'd be surprised these technicians have mastered the technology of the wheel yet, because obviously computers and basic networking is way over their heads.

Tech support is another huge pain in the ass, I would use Blizzard in this example but they have been nothing but helpful to me lately so I won't take a cheap shot. I know when to give up on a tech support call is when the first question they ask is, "Is your computer plugged in?" I usually reply with, "Oh, no, fuck me.. you're right, it's not, thanks so much for your help." I realize some people are actually this stupid, but when I'm calling about mangled USB ports that came with my case for a computer I built, I don't really think it matters if it's on or not.

TWO:
People who call persistently

This is going to make me go apeshit one day, if I don't answer the first time, odds are I will not answer the next seventeen. I have an iPhone, it tells me when I miss a call, (like EVERY fucking cellphone since the beginning of existence) and if I want to, I will call you back eventually, probably. If you want to tell me something important and I don't answer, leave a voicemail or text me, so I don't find out a week later you've been in a coma and that's why you haven't answered my returned calls. It's lucky you're already in a coma though, because your persistent calling has probably made me want to strangle the shit out of you the next time I saw you. Also, when people who quit texting in the middle of a conversation for hours at a time, that also annoys the shit out of me.

"There's an app for that."

I don't normally do this.. but..

2009-12-06T17:15:00.001-07:00

Check this video out, it's a WoW video done by my extremely talented friend Ben.

Tell your friends.

A scientific advancement in font.

2009-12-04T13:08:00.005-07:00

Today, at approximately thirteen hundred hours, a new font casing was discovered at a place completely classified. However, I managed to sneak a picture for you, because I love all of my readers.

(sorry about the clutter on the photo, had to zoom in from the regular picture and take a screenshot so you would know what I was talking about :P)

I have deemed this font casing.. Ǖber lower case.

This seems like a typo to me though, what was the problem with just saying "McRib?" I mean, other than sounding like McDonald's endorsed condoms, there's nothing wrong with that.

I don't normally do fast food, but, I had to be stuck in town for an hour today and I was hungry, and when I'm hungry my judgment is about as good as a drunk baby in a dryer.

If you're wondering, yes, I already regret it.

An open letter to the Chase bank robber today.

2009-12-03T17:54:00.009-07:00

Hello, if you are reading this, please.. remove the shoe of your right foot and CRAM IT UP YOUR ASS.

In the immortal words of some fat guy named Norm on YouTube, "FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!"

All my life I have wanted to rob a bank, well, a train, but a bank would be cool too, and if it wasn't so against the law (pshh) I'd do it, EVERY DAY. Here you go, wearing shades, a hat and a blue and grey plaid jacket, walking into a bank and robbing it. Who the fuck do you think you are? Where's the respect to our ancestors? If you're going to rob a fucking bank you might as well dress for the occasion yeah? Here, since you got away and clearly have no fucking clue what you are doing, let me draw it for you.. asshole.

Here is you normally, you prick.

Here is you as an outlaw, complete with revolver and skinning knife, oh, and a hat.

Here is you as a pirate, complete with puffy shirt, admiral's hat, scimitar, and parrot.. douchebag.

Last but not least, here is you as a ninja. Wait, where are you, you ask? YOU ARE SO FUCKING QUICK THE CAMERA CAN'T EVEN SEE YOU, THIS IS HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO IT.

So, I hope this post has made you realize how bad at robbing banks you are, and I hope our ancestor pirates, outlaws, and ninjas are all weeping with great sorrow because someone in their bloodline is such a mediocre thief they can't even look classy while performing a bank job.

Below is an in depth and deep conversation Josh and I had about the bank robber.

OH.. megle

2009-11-17T00:13:00.005-07:00

Why will no one accept my loev :(

Stranger: hey.. straight to the point hehe im a girl looking for girls to exchange pics hehe ;)
You: I'm in.
Stranger: :)
Stranger: how old?
You: 21
Stranger: :)
Stranger: let me see you
You: (linked a picture of some random emo guy from google images)
Stranger: you're a boy
You: Nope.
Stranger: dont tell me thats a girl in the pic?
You: Oh shit, by boy you mean a woman sans the vagina and boobs, but adding a penis and testicles?
You: Then yeah, I'm a guy I guess.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
---------------------------------------------
OMGRACISM

You: SUP NEGRO
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
---------------------------------------------
AZN INVAZN

Stranger: 안녕
Stranger: 한국사람이지?
Stranger: ㅋㅋ
You: HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Stranger: 다알고 있어 ㅋㅋ
Stranger: 아 ..
Stranger: 그딴영어
Stranger: 안통해
Stranger: 문법도
Stranger: 다 틀려가지고 ㅋㅋ
Stranger: 야
Stranger: 그냥
Stranger: 편하게 말해
You: CAN I OFFER YOU SOME BUBBLE TEA? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO
Stranger: 애자야 ㅋㅋ
You: HEWP U SRAY SUM MONGOWWIANS MEBE?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
---------------------------------------
Grand Theft Monocle

Stranger: gay?
You: yep.
Stranger: asl?
You: yep.
You: buttsex?
Stranger: yes please
You: Okay.
Stranger: asl?
You: ass*
Stranger: top or bottom?
You: Do you own a monocle?
Stranger: yes
You: Can I have it?
Stranger: no
You: Can I borrow it?
Stranger: depends what you want it for
You: To caress you with it.
Stranger: depends where you live
You: I need to know if I can borrow it first.
Stranger: yes
You: HAHA I HAVE YOUR MONOCLE BITCH, IT'S ALL MINE NOW! YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME!
You have disconnected.
--------------------------------------
and the grand finale..
This is why you don't cyber, especially on Omegle.

You: Hi
Stranger: ASL?
You: 19/f/ca
Stranger: 26/M/Massachusetts
You: Whats up?
Stranger: I'll be honest... I'm looking for someone to cyber with... But, not just the typical "go crazy with sex" sort of thing... I want to find someone rather who is interested more in "making love," who will be affectionate and caring and loving and such like that... I know it's a strange thing to be looking for on here...
You: I can understand that.
Stranger: So... What do you think?...
You: I could try that, if you want to, I haven't cybered before
Stranger: :) I'm sure you'll do great
You: You should start though
Stranger: Do you have a picture? It's alright if you don't.
You: I do.
Stranger: Could I see it?
You: (posted an image of some random whore from google)
Stranger: Wow... You're beautiful...
You: thanks :)
Stranger: You're welcome :)
Stranger: So... Do you want to start with you laying in bed, and me coming in?...
You: Fast forward a bit..
Stranger: Alright, where would you like to start?
You: Wherever you think is good.
Stranger: Well, we could be in bed together already, and kissing...
You: That works.
Stranger: Alright :)
Stranger: I nuzzle up next to you, kissing the side of your neck
You: I roll over on top of you, and accidentally poke my massive erect dick into your thigh.
You: OH..
You: OH GOD
You: It's a flashlight! I swear to god!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Paranormal Overhypery

2009-11-14T21:13:00.005-07:00

I've seen this movie three times, and I've seen both endings. (I've heard rumors of a third one, but, I can't find it for the life of me.)

All I have to say is: O-V-E-R-H-Y-P-E-D

This movie was NOT scary by any means, it was SLIGHTLY creepy, very slightly. If you have seen the trailer, you have seen the "most horrifying" part of the movie, yea, the scene where she gets dragged out of bed? That's the climax. I don't know what the fuck the people in the commercial were jumping out of their seats about.

"I just wasted $8 on this movie.."

However, this was not a bad movie by any means. It was certainly not the scariest movie on the planet, not even close. They did only have a reported $11,000 dollar budget, half of which was spent on the camera Mycah has throughout the entire movie. The special effects were really good, if I didn't know it was fake, you might be able to convince me it was real.

My rating?
With the hype (without knowing the budget): 1/10
With the hype (knowing the budget) : 4/10
Without the hype (knowing the budget): 8/10

I just ... (noun)

2009-11-14T01:46:00.009-07:00

This is too much fun, I found a random Meebo chat room called "Emo" and figured it was a good target. Deleted the timestamps but this took place between 1:49 AM and 1:52 AM, I had been begging for help for about 10 mintues before this guy finally decided to cave in.

exodusmeathammer: help
lilbitch32794: wtf do u need?!
exodusmeathammer: i just accidentally 34 mangoes
lilbitch32794: what does that mean!?
exodusmeathammer: well you see i was at my friends house and we were when i saw the mangos, and so i said we should and so we did and then it was pretty shocking because i accidentally 34 of them
lilbitch32794: omg ur retarded!
exodusmeathammer: what doesnt make sense? i just accidentally 34 mangos
lilbitch32794: ate?fucked?sucked?threw? accidentally what? dammit!
exodusmeathammer: 34 mangoes
lilbitch32794: mangoes> or man goes?
exodusmeathammer: mangoes the fruit
lilbitch32794: what did u do with them?
exodusmeathammer: accidentally
lilbitch32794: accidentally what?
exodusmeathammer: 34 mangoes!!!
lilbitch32794: wtf?
exodusmeathammer: yeah i know
exodusmeathammer: its an emergency
lilbitch32794: go to the er then
exodusmeathammer: i dont know if they can help me if i 34 mangoes
lilbitch32794: omg go away start walking
exodusmeathammer: well you would know that i cant because i just accidentally 34 mangoes

A Bubbletea Adventure

2009-11-13T02:51:00.008-07:00

If you know me or some of my friends, you've probably heard us talking with a horrible Asian accent about some mythical beverage known as "bubble tea.", so, follow me and I shall spin you a tale.

At a jam session for our band almost a year ago, we were watching Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer to take a break, it was nearing the end of the movie (thankfully) and as they passed a billboard I noticed something odd, across the billboard said "BUBBLETEA!". I quickly pointed it out and everyone had a simultaneous "what the fuck?". We brainstormed over this for the next 5 minutes and came to the wrong conclusion that it must be another word for soda, makes sense right?

I get home, and I look up bubble tea, and what this horrible abomination of drink-kind actually is, is a mix of black and green tea, with some flavoring, and hard little "bubbles" of tapioca dropped in at the bottom. It is usually drunken with a massive straw, which I named "The Widowmaker"

Fucking horrible

My curiosity was peaked, and so me and my friend Mikey hopped onto eBay and decided to order some of this. Yeah, let's order a disgusting looking drink over eBay from god knows where, this is going to go wonderfully.

Fast forward a few weeks, I almost forget about the bubbletea until Mikey calls me up and tells me that it has arrived. With deep regret, I ask him to bring it over so I can try my flavor. We ordered 5 packets, Soya Bean Milk, Green Tea, Thai Tea, Thai Coffee Drink (???) and one others no one really gave a shit about, I picked green tea since it sounded the least bad. I was wrong.

Tell me, when you think of "Green Tea", do you think of tea that's actually well.. GREEN? No, probably not, it's usually clear, correct? The makers of bubbletea said fuck that and bound and gagged the laws of drink making, because they just don't give a shit.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the events of that evening in pictures:

Mikey (left) Jasmine (girlfriend, right) not holding still for a picture, they can't wait to see me throw up.

The bubbletea mix, my Widowmaker (tm) and the "bubbles"

Close up of the bubbles, yeah, I know what your thinking, I wish it was weed too.

The bubbles being boiled, you have to boil them for some reason, probably to release a neurotoxin that kills you before the bubbletea does so you don't suffer.

SUCCESS! I.. think.

As you can tell by my expression, it's delicious.

Not only was bubbletea "DELICIOUS", "HIP" AND "EDGY" (cmon bubbletea endorsement), it almost killed me. You see, through the Widowmaker I was inhaling bubbletea at a rapid rate. I forgot they had hard little tapioca bullets in them, and as soon as one went up the straw the the remaining bubbletea in the straw left, it shot to the back of my throat and made me not breathe for 30 seconds.

Was it worth the time? No.
Was it worth the effort? No.
Was it worth the money? No.
Was it worth it to tell everyone you almost were assassinated by bubbletea? Definitely.