A Dads Life and Times

Bacon Jerky and Dill Pickle Chip Dip

2014-03-19T11:42:00.001-07:00

Okay, the photo has nothing to do with the blog but I do have a pretty wife so I thought I would post this picture instead of a picture of my monstrosity.

Yesterday I decided to eat a bit of breakfast, you know a guy does get hungry. I opened the fridge and was horrified that I either needed to go shopping or I would have to actually cook something. Being a bit lazy I simply decided to make do with whatever I had. I had a bit of stale bread so it had to be a sandwich. I nosed around and found some bacon jerky (yes, that is a real product) so now I had meat.

The problem hit when I realized we had no mayo to help make the jerky a bit less dry. Scrummaging around I came up with some dill pickle chip dip. I slathered it on thick, I had to because the bread was dry and stale and the jerky is dry just because it is jerky. I then took a big bite and realized that my mixture was probably not the right combination for human consumption.

Once again, being a guy kicked in, I had a choice, start all over or gag down the new invention of mine. I am sure that you have already guessed..... I ate the whole thing. The oddest part of my breakfast was when I told Judy that a bacon jerky, dill pickle chip dip sandwich was not as good as you would imagine she simply replied "really, it would be hard not to be as good I think it sounds". I am trying to figure out if she said that with a bit of sarcasm.

A Muslim and a Jew Walk Into a Bar

2014-02-06T11:42:00.000-08:00

So, a Jew, a Muslim, a Catholic and a Protestant walk into a bar......

Nah, it did not quite happen that way but here is the true story.

In my neck of the woods we just had a complete dump of snow on our quaint little town on a peninsula in New England. Since we are pretty much use to having God bless us with tons of white stuff the town was prepped and was out with snow trucks and the guys were even snow blowing the main sidewalks but that left the driveways and your personal sidewalk with what seemed like 8 feet of snow.

I live on a cul-de-sac so I headed out into the frigid air to shovel my drive and a neighbor lady who is single and not a spring chicken, she is not old but maybe a late summer chicken. I started dutifully shoveling with my wife shouting encouragement to me when with in minutes there were tons of people who live on my end of the street out doing the same thing.

We all pitched in to help the people who just could not do it themselves and the children of the neighborhood even had shovels to help out. The smallest tyke is maybe 4 years old and he had his plastic shovel in hand trying to help as well.

When I came in to a wonderful dinner waiting for me, Judy and I started talking about the neighborhood effort. We realized that there were Jews, Muslims, Catholics and Protestants all working together to help our neighbors out. There were people from all over the world on our street working in unison simply to be nice to someone else. Different colors, different accents, different beliefs but united in loving the United States and the freedom it gives us.

So, if a Jew, a Muslim, a Catholic and a Protestant walk into a bar in my little berg they might be surprised they were in a bar but they would all talk and have a good time with each other.

Luckiest Guy in the World

2014-02-04T09:48:00.001-08:00

I know, you do not have to tell me, I am not the best looking guy around, I am not even close to being rich, my brains come somewhere between Joe Biden and a Mensa member but I am the luckiest guy in the world. All of my friends would agree with me. It has nothing to do with living in the greatest town in the world, having a great family (they have to be my family so they have no choice) nor anything to do with having great friends, my friends are just kind hearted so they put up with me. It all has to do with my wife.

Today is Judy's birthday and she just keeps getting better looking, smarter, more creative and loving. I stand in awe everyday when I realize what I pulled off, I found the best wife a guy could ever dream of and she not only puts up with my antics but she actually joins in many times. We are always laughing, trying something different and being there for each other when needed.

Judy is the most marvelous of all women, I am sure that when God made Eve in the garden of Eden he thought that was his best work until he got the idea of Judy and out did himself. I am proud of her and love her with all my heart....... was this a mushy enough entry to my blog?

Nope, I Am Not Growing Pot

2014-01-23T09:37:00.002-08:00

I am your average dad, I like sports, eat food that my wife is pretty sure will kill me in just a few minutes and I like to work on the yard and garden. A problem I have is that I moved to a small New England Coastal town, this means beautiful spring, summer and fall but it also means harsh winters. I figured out a great solution to loving to garden and the cold winter, I simply bring everything in and place it around the house. I keep planting all year as well so I have a continuous supply of plants.

I have replaced most of the light bulbs around the house with grow lights, I have hand held misters and so on. This has really started to get a bit strange though, all of a sudden there is a big push towards legalizing recreational drugs, I really do not care how you feel about changing the law but please think about my "problem".

I do not smoke drugs or consume them in brownies or anything like that but people seem to think that if a guy needs 50 pounds of potting soil, grow lights, plant food and flower containers when it is 12 degrees F outside then I must obviously be doing something a bit illegal. I have shown people my tomato plants and sent them home with some fresh veggies and as they leave they meekly admit they thought I was probably up to growing something else but they are glad I am doing what I am actually doing.

So nope, I am not growing pot, I have no intentions to even if it became a legal activity, I simply like flowers and fresh vegetables all year round.

A Snow in New England

2013-12-23T09:36:00.001-08:00

Snow!!! I have lived in the quaint New England town of Marblehead for 3 1/2 years and I still cannot figure out if I love the stuff or hate it. I know, a guy should have figured out by now if he loves it or should he praying that Global Warming is real and it gets here really quick.

I live in the perfect New England town, the kind you see on post cards and the kind of place that movies try to make people think all of New England is like. I do love my town, the beaches, the people, the friends and the arts but I am not sure on the snow.

Living most of my adult life in either Oklahoma or Southern California means that when I see 4 inches of snow I think it is a blizzard. I really can only remember one white Christmas in my life (not counting living here) so I do get a kick when I see the white stuff. I still get a thrill when the winds pick up just a little and the big flakes come tumbling down.

The problem I have is that I am the only guy in our household, even counting the pets so I am the one who gets to dig the driveway, sidewalks and porches clean of the magical white stuff. Listen up (I do not want to get beaten when my family reads this) all of the women have volunteered to help shovel but I am a guy and it hurts my ego to think I need help with a "mans" job be women.

So as I sit here looking over the weather forecast for the next few days I am torn, do I want a White Christmas and all of the beauty and joy that comes with it or do I want to be able to relax on Christmas. I guess after this rambling I will vote for as much White Stuff as possible...... I am still a kid at heart.

Help a Nice Lady

2013-12-17T10:03:00.002-08:00

I have a close friend whose 81yo mother has recently been hospitalized, then taken to a nursing home for rehabilitation. His sisters who called the ambulance did not even bother to let him know what had happened. He had to search for her until she was found in the Emergency Room of the local hospital. He wants to let her know how many people care about her as it appears she will be spending the holidays away from home and under care. So with his permission I would like to organize holiday cards or get well wishes to be sent to either or both of her daughters who live nearby and will forward them to her. Her residence is uncertain at the moment due to her changing medical needs and her recent attempt to find new accommodation. Holiday

Cards or Get Well wishes to:
Jean(or Nana) Yoder c/o Jacque Hollinger
234 Main Street
Terri Hill Pa 17581 USA

Jean(or Nana) Yoder c/o Dori Noecker
615 W. Bellvue Ave
Reading Pa. 19605 USA

His mother would love the envelops to be adorned with rainbows or dolphins, on mine I simply drew a rainbow on the back side but stickers or whatever would be nice.

An Okie in Boston

2013-12-16T09:53:00.004-08:00

People who know me in real life knows full and well that I am not just an Okie but a Proud Okie. It does take a bit of bravery to wear an OKC Thunder t-shirt around Boston Celtic fans or put on an OSU sweatshirt when Boston College is playing a game but a guy has to do what a guy has to do. This line of thought brings me to something that is genetically ingrained in me simply from the Oklahoma red dirt having leached into my DNA, the red dirt slowly alters a person and transforms them into a proud Oklahoman. Since the pride actually comes from your DNA even if you move that swelling pride of being an Okie always stays with you.

This brings me to the subject of what it is like to be an Okie in Yankee Land. In the Boston area there is a dearth of REAL college football, a breeze is considered a major wind storm and tasty smoked meat, BBQ and other meat requirements simply pale to what I am use to having back in Oklahoma. It is not all bad, I love living here and can handle watching OU and OSU on TV and I still chuckle to myself when my friends and neighbors are scared about the 25 MPH wind gusts but the thing I had the biggest problem with was finding great meat. In Oklahoma I never had to cook it myself because every neighbor, family, friends and most restaurants were pretty adapt at it. Once I moved to New England I was left alone in the wilderness with no help.

This problem set me off on the next part of the saga, I had to become a king of the grill and smoker myself. I tried remembering back to the days I was a kid and watched my dad cook but after trying my hand at some chops and having neighbors over who were pretty sure it was made from raccoon or skunk meat I decided it was time to get a bit of help. I did what any modern guy would do that is to embarrassed to ask people who could actually help them..... I googled it.

Now, I am not knocking Google but I ran into more sites that had no idea that meat was supposed to taste good. There were ones that every recipe required 5 pounds of sugar and a burger with a 1 inch crust of sugar just is not right. There were others that were hip and cool and bragged that they were Californian, please remember that in California tacos made from fish are not only acceptable but considered good eating.

I finally fumbled across a site that was perfect, it gave great directions, it had real recipes for real guys and simply was something that worked., after telling my wife about the great site I found she looked over it and laughed...... it is ran by a guy in Oklahoma. I now understood why it was great, he was an Okie and understood great meat.

I am now the kind of New England guy that while a Nor'ester is blowing through I have my smoker and or grill going. I might have to keep shoveling a path out to the cooking meat but I finally feel like I belong here. I can now love New England and still have my meat. I can even smoke lobster tail now.

I want to be VERY clear, this is NOT an advertisement, I was NOT paid to write this, I actually emailed Jeff to see if it was OK for me to write about his site.

If you want to checkout the site yourself it can be found at www.smoking-meat.com

Nasty Evil Step Daughter

2013-05-19T17:13:00.000-07:00

People who follow this blog understands that I have found the love of my life and have lived happily ever after BUT the love of my life also came with a couple of extras "problems". Judy, the love of my life, was a widow with two daughters when I met her. Ok, anyone who has a "blended" family will get that I was not in a good position. There is NO way that a guy can live up to the image that a girl has of her father who has died.

I will have to say at this point that Jimmy (the girls father) was a great guy. He did have problems, he could not walk on water, he never did bring down the Berlin wall all by himself nor was he ever an opening act for Bruce Springsteen but he did help raise two great girls. His girls turned out all right, scholarships to great schools, jobs (Ari, because she has graduated) and simply nice kids.

Now I know you are wondering where the nasty evil part comes into the story. Ari and Heather are great to have as family to the point that I am thankful that Alexis (my biological daughter) has them as sisters. Here is the problem with these girls...... ok, I cannot come up with anything but if I could it would have to do with monkeys and bacon simply because those are funny things.

By the way, if you think Howard Stern is one of my daughters then you are sicker then I am.

I want to thank my entire family, Judy, Ari, Heather and Alexis for making my family complete..... Thanks.

Viking Funeral

2013-05-16T13:20:00.000-07:00

Today I am commemorating a woman who was grand. I totally get that only people who actually know me will understand what this blog entry is really about. My Grand Mother died a few days ago.......

I could not go to her funeral so many miles away but we are going to celebrate her life this evening in New England, she lived in Oklahoma. There will be no tears, there will be no sniffles there will be nothing like that at all. We are going to celebrate her life, her love and know she has simply moved on.

Annette Burgess (my grandmother) over the last few years, seriously only wanted me to know one thing, I am Swedish! Yep, the same folk who killed and maimed the entire known world a thousand plus years ago but I am still a proud decedent of the Vikings.

Tonight I will respectfully acknowledge her life, I will remember her name and I will know that she is in Valhalla (she was a TRUE Christian so Heaven). I am so thankful that she "pushed" me into being proud of my heritage, even though others in the world consider me and my people blue eyed devils. I am thankful that she was a woman of convictions who taught her daughters (my mother and aunt) the values needed in life.

I am so pleased that she taught me that being Swedish and a Viking was something good...... tonight my Dear Grandmother, I will promise to carry on the tradition of who we are.

I miss you but I also know that we shall be feasting together soon enough........

Why People Kill Kids

2012-12-15T15:55:00.000-08:00

There will always be crazy people that do things that the rest of civilized society simply does not get. It is human nature to try and make order of chaos so we grasp onto our beliefs, ideas and religion and run with it like an Inca trying to make sense of all the white guys that showed up on big boats.

I am NOT saying that these things did not help push the crazy man over the edge but it is time to be honest, none of these things MADE him do it. We take our preconceived ideas of the way the world runs or should run and then insert our beliefs into everything that does not make sense.

This is a small list of things people tend to blame for what they do not understand.

1) Guns did not make the guy a killer, they were simply a tool.

2) Video games did not make the guy a killer, people have played army, cowboy and Indians and other violent games for eons.

3) Music did not make the guy a killer. Listening to Elton John will not make you gay, listening to Snoop Dog (I know he changed his stage name) will not make you black and listening to Goth will not make you a killer.

4) TV did not make the guy a killer. Not one show on American TV simply hypnotizes you into becoming a killer.

5) The lack of Prayer in school did not make him a killer. There are people who lived in hard core atheistically inclined countries where it was wrong to pray, not just in school but anywhere that never did became killers.

6) Discrimination did not make him a killer. ALL people are discriminated against yet all people do not snap.

7) Hollywood did not make him a killer. Movies have been blamed

8) The news media did not make him do it.

9) Obama, Bush or any other politician did not make him do it. You may HATE the politics of someone but they do NOT have super powers to make people go off and kill children.

10) Gay people did not make him do it. Everyone has an opinion on LGBT people but they do NOT make you a killer of children.

I totally understand that some of these things can push a mentally unstable person over the edge but they are not the root cause of the evil committed. Bad exists in the world and there will always be bad people. Lets not try and blame one thing that fits our beliefs for everything and simply understand that evil exists.

Lets be careful not to start banning everything we do not agree with. As soon as we allow banning to begin then what you hold dearest will be what is banned next.

What Makes a Family?

2012-12-09T16:55:00.001-08:00

Everyone talks about picking friends and say you cannot pick your family but that is simply wrong. There are people who legally are family but I honestly do no care for or care about. I am not going to trash people so this blog is simply about love and what it means.

I am a married guy, thus the name for this blog, and I married a woman who is a widow. To get the "fluff" out of the way I love my wife and her biological daughters are my daughters as well. My biological daughter is hers as well, no doubt about it, daughter of hers and all three girls are honest sisters.

This rant is simply about a conversation that I had with my wife this evening. I had a brother who died in a car accident when I was a teenager. It was horrible, it hurt and while I had friends who tried to comfort me it did not help much. There is nobody that can step in and make things better even though many tried. I am thankful for all who tried but it did not make the pain any easier.

This is where it gets interesting to me, I have a TON of aunts and uncles which also means a bazzillion cousins. When I went to the hospital when my brother was there I had an Aunt show up who was there for my younger brother and I.

Lets add a bit to the story here. My Uncle had divorced her previously ( I do NOT care about the details ) but she came because she was family. It had nothing to do with ill feelings or longings for my Uncle but simply that she was an important part of my dying brothers life and my younger brother's and my life as well.

After many years I am so thankful that she understood that you do pick your family. I know it must have been hard for her to show up with so many people who knew she had divorced but my AUNT did so and I am so glad she did.

Step Daughters

2012-11-25T17:48:00.001-08:00

It has been a while since I have posted on this blog, I do appreciate the hundreds of readers each week that is still reading the old stuff but it it time to get back to a married guys thoughts of what is happening.

Judy is not only a great wife but she is also the dream woman that I thought about even as a teenager, come on guys you know what I am talking about. The thing about the love of my life is that she came with the proverbial baggage that so many women (and I assume men) talk, gripe and complain about. How in the world could the love of my life, a widow, come with not just one but TWO children. We are not talking about toddler and a new born but two WOMEN that were fully grown and already had minds of their own.

Ok, I have many readers that already know that I am one of those "evil" right wing conservatives. I am not one of those wackos that hate Jews or Europeans (I will leave that to those on the wacky left) but the love of my life and her daughters are solidly Massachusetts girls. Should I try to change them? Should I try and explain to them how they are now worshiping Satan? Should I now plot and plan on how to move them all to Greece so they could experience the wonders of Socialism or should I accept who they are and love them no matter what?

Here are the facts, you know the time where I tell the truth with no holds barred. I love my daughters and the love me, just do no not ask them because they will dance like banshees around the question. My biological daughter loves them and my "non" biological daughters love her.

When it comes down to the facts of life........ how could a guy be upset with to fabulous women who accepts him and his daughter as family be a bad thing........ go ahead DM try me. :)

Eerie Prediction for Election 2012

2012-08-19T11:34:00.000-07:00

Bill Buxton was a man who always had a way of seeing “memory images”, as he called them. He would “catch a glimpse” of things that had happened years ago. His family knew of this ability, but did not know of his capability to see into the future. “The Dupe”, one of the stories in this book, will allow the reader to see that capacity first hand.

These stories have minimal editing because we simply wanted Bill to be able to tell his visions and he is no longer with us to help in the process. There are 3 short stories in the book and each is fascinating but the last one is the one that sends chills up so many peoples spines.

The book can be found here for only $2.99 .... Watch Out For The Bicycles

Mutant Crabs

2012-07-30T13:05:00.002-07:00

Welcome to the great state of Massachusetts, home of witch trials, drunk Kennedys and mutant creatures that sound like something straight out of The Simpsons. The photo above is of a 3 eyed fish from Argentina (something about a power plant fits into the story) I used the photo of the fish because quite simply I never took any pictures of my mutant crabs.

There were several of us that headed to a beach in Salem not to far from a power plant. The government promises that the water is safe to swim in, catch fish and simply hang out on the beach. We decided to catch a few of the crab around and then let them go, we flipped rocks over and waded through the water and caught tons of them.

The thing that started bothering us were the strange colors that they all were. They came in every color of the rainbow and a few even sported a few extra legs and such. Now I know the color of crabs and even know the number of legs they are supposed to have and these things honestly were freaks. I thought it was kind of funny and just assumed they were an inbred family of shellfish but Judy pointed out how close the power plant was.

I love living here and now that I know that Massachusetts is as cool as The Simpsons and Argentina I am even prouder then ever for choosing to move here.

Hippie Woman

2012-07-27T10:52:00.001-07:00

There are days when a guy just has to stand around with his mouth hanging open all day simply because he is so slow on getting pop culture that he just assumes the world went nuts. I seem to be having more and more of these days and I guess it is because I am an ancient guy in my 40s.

I am out in public the other day and I start looking around and noticing all of the neo hippie chicks hanging around and trying to look cool. I go into a store and they have upper end hippie rags plastered all over the store and go into a grocery store and notice how much vegetarian hippie food there is. All of this evil hippie movement of course has driven me to the edge of insanity but hey, this too will pass.

There are a few things I just do not get about the latest hippie craze. The first is why anyone would want to dress and act like some antiquated group from the 60's that burned the brains on drugs and smelled awful because of their lack of showers. This seems to me to be about as smart as trying to look like a person in federal prison or a caveman....... why would you want to do it?

The next thing is simply the big bucks being made by big corporations off these left wing wacko, politically correct protesters. You know the people who scream about all of the rich people but love their mall clothes and would be shocked that teachers in America are part of the top 1% income earners when you count the whole world.

Now I have no problem with vegetarians but I have always wondered why a person who hates the thought of eating meat will go out of their way to buy some food product that tastes, looks and feels like meat but contains nothing even close to animal flesh. To my old and musty brain it seems like it would be like a Jewish person loving bacon flavored potato chips because they contain no bacon and are kosher.

This is the way my poor brain is rambling today...... hopefully I will learn to be hip and cool in the near future and understand these oddities.

Today I Realized I am Old

2012-07-24T08:18:00.000-07:00

Over the last couple of days old age completely crept up on me. I do understand that if you are not old like I am then you simply will not understand the concept that old age just jumps out of the bushes and whacks you over the head, knocks you down and when you finally get your old dusty bones working again and manage to get to your feet you realize you are now old.

I do have to tell you that I do not feel any older then last week and I still do the same stupid stuff and consider music stale and old if it was released more then a few months ago but none of that makes me not old. The realization came from my relationship with my wife, I know you would think it would have to with our girls but they all thought we were old more then a decade ago.

There has now been 4 different times in 6 days that has made me face reality.........

I will not go through each eye opening event because it would be to painful (for me to recall and you to read) but I will tell one story very briefly. My sweetheart who still gets guys who are young enough to be her son to rip their head off their neck when she walks by, and I were walking down the beach holding hands. We were not doing anything more then looking for shells, kicking sand and a little flirting when two girls walked up to us and one said " I really hope that when my boyfriend and I are your ages that we can still be in love like you two."

Now, I like that people think we look like a cute couple, smile at us and aspire to have a relationship like we have but when ever I look around and see what I think is an old couple that are "cute" they are like in their 70's...... I guess now it is time for me to wear my paints up to my arm pits, eat dinner at 3:30 and drive like I am in a bumper car and there is nobody else on the street.

But I will still flirt with my wife no matter how old I am.

I am woman, hear me complain

2012-05-15T17:20:00.001-07:00

I am woman, ok, not really a woman but at least I know how women feel. If you really want to get technical on all of this the honest truth is that I am so un PC that I am happy to admit that I do not even have an itty bitty bit of a feminine side to enhance let alone explore. Just call me an unrefined, conservative, wacko and you will most assuredly get me right.

Let me explain my new found understanding of women.... you do need to follow along because quite frankly this blog entry is probably more insane then most of the others that I have posted and did so with great embarrassment later.

I am a Kansas City Chiefs fan (see, I told you this was embarrassing) so I proudly wear my Chiefs shirt in public, even though I live in the Boston area. I actually had the guts to scoot around town today in my KC Chiefs shirt and was totally amazed at the reaction of people.... It made me realize what it was like to be a woman in modern American.

Ok, I know that you are totally lost with me finding a deep understanding with how women feel because I wore a shirt with a simple NFL logo on it but it is true. Every where I went today people acted strange. I will give you an example of the strangeness..... I went in to pay for a bit of gas today and the jerk behind the counter NEVER looked at my face, he simply looked at my chest and smiled. The same thing happened at the grocery store. Instead of looking at my face they all looked at the logo on my chest.

I finally had enough of this obvious sexual harassment and told the last guy that my eyes are not on my chest but instead he needed to pull his gaze up a foot or so...... the next time a woman complains about guys not looking at them I will be able to say honestly that I feel their pain.

Insanity?

2012-04-24T17:25:00.000-07:00

There are times in life when a guy just has to admit that he ain't the smartest thing on the block. It is well known that I am not always there when it comes to skills in the kitchen, if I had to cook for Fat Albert he would end up as some sort of anorexic that was one day away from starving to death. I fully understand the idea of nasty food, I was at Cuzco Peru and ate a wonderful rotten fish dish that made me throw up and actually see the meals I had eaten the month before but this time I had a great idea. It seemed quite simple, bacon and lots of it in a cake.... this means bacon in the cake, bacon in the icing and bacon as the decoration.

I have a wonderful wife, she is sexy, beautiful and smart, in this case smart might not be an attribute. I had a friend on Facebook that had the gull to post on my wall a picture of a chocolate cake with bacon on top of it. I thought that since I was not only a guy but a real he-man kind of guy that I could out do any photo of a simple cake with bacon on the top.

Judy, the love of my life, explained to me that I could make my dream cake if I could follow a couple of rules... 1. I had to put it together outside (mix it).
2. I had to cook it outside.
3. I had to find someone else totally as insane as I was that would help me with the creation of this Frankenstein dessert.

This was no problem to me, I could easily mix a cake out side and of course I am king of grilling things outside so the only problem was finding a person who was insane as me. I have a business partner and friend who lives next door to me and while the best of friends she even thought my latest idea was simply insane. The nice thing though is she has a daughter who when I broached the idea of a bacon cake cooked outside thought it would be lark to give it a try.

Judy, while I love her totally, was not happy that I was able to complete each of her requirements, so with her reluctant blessing I was off to cook the wonderfully ignoramus cake that I so desired. Simply put, it was great, bacon, vanilla and sprinkles cake with bacon and chocolate icing with a bacon smiley face as decoration on top.

Elsie (my equally insane neighbor) and I have decided to create a bacon and chocolate cheese cake next. The funny thing is that now there are a few more people who want to work on this endeavor. I guess after all the work to get people to even try out the bacon cake (then they loved it) I have now set the trend for modern food.

Elsie and I are the masters of bacon dessert but there is always room for the up and comers in the world of bacon.

In case you wonder, the date on the photo is totally wrong. :-)

Stinking Coon

2012-04-11T18:16:00.001-07:00

I just saw something I have never seen in my life and if I had not moved to the "civilized" land of the North Shore of the Boston area I would have simply missed something in my life. It was never on my bucket list of things to see or do before I died but it was something to remember for the rest of my life. This event ended with a very large stinking coon.

Judy and I stepped out into our backyard to enjoy the wonderful New England spring evening, we were talking under the star lit night like boyfriend and girlfriends have done since the beginning of time (by the way, we are married but she still is my girlfriend). Then the air was pierced with a sharp and loud cry from our next door neighbors backyard. I was not sure if it was a human, animal or a New England Bigfoot so I jumped up and ran to the fence to see if I needed to save someone from being beaten up or maybe help someone beat up a Bigfoot.

I did not know what to expect as I peered through the darkness of my neighbors yard but what I saw simply amazed me. It was a raccoon and a skunk having a fight both screaming and yelling at each other. The skunk finally ran off but left the pleasant smell that only a skunk can leave.

The Raccoon looked victorious at first till it realized that while he had won the battle he now stunk to high heaven and simply had lost the war.

Kate (my neighbor), if you are reading this then please know that I did not stink up your house..... it was the stinking coon that caused the stench.

Bear Jerky

2012-04-10T13:12:00.003-07:00

Sometimes people forget how grand it is to have parents that are great people. My mother and father are headed up to the wild and wooly Boston coast line to visit Judy, me and the girls. I am excited about seeing both of them but it put me into a mood of thinking about why I adore them. I know, the simply way to answer this is to say that they are my parents so I have to honor them and love them but there has to be more to my feelings then that.

The thing I am most thankful for with my mother is that she did not kill me when I was just a lad. Letting birds loose in the house, putting a HUGE snapping turtle in the tub (we only had one bathroom by the way), letting 100+ crawfish loose in the garage to crawl into little spaces, die and then stink up the whole house, digging up our backyard and stocking a small pond with catfish, bringing home a 5 foot snake I caught..... I think you get the type of kid I was... yet she never killed me. As an adult I am pretty sure she must have thought about it for a split second several times but thankfully she is an even tempered Christian woman.

My father was the toughest man around, at least to my eyes as a child. I never saw him in a fight, I never saw him scream at people, I simply knew that he could whip anyone and anything if he had to. I was positive that when he and I were out climbing mountains that if we ran into a bear that he would not only fight to protect me from the varmint but when it was all over we would be walking back to the camp site eating bear jerky.

This brings me to the value as an adult that I have found with my father. He taught me that you can be tough, a REAL man and not have to go around fighting every fight. I never saw my parents in one of those screaming arguments with each calling the other names. He simply showed me how to be a man, how to treat my wife and how to love my kids...... thanks Dad!!!

By the way Dad, when you get here lets go hiking and try to bring some bear jerky home with us.

My Biggest Secret

2012-03-11T10:29:00.002-07:00

What do husbands and dads do when the family is all out and they are left at home? Sports, Porn, Napping, Blogging..... exactly what does a guy like me do when nobody is around and they have the house to themselves?

This is where it all seems simple to me......

I am going to be totally honest, I am the one who has been elected to mop, wash dishes do the laundry and simply keep the house clean so of course these things are part of the ritual but honestly cleaning does not take too much time so I have plenty more stuff I can do. I was given most of today at home with no else so it was time for me to go back to simply being a guy and do what I want.

This has been my schedule so far with this freedom from people knowing what I do with time of my own.

Cleaned on the house - simply put I do not want everyone to think I goofed off all day
Put on the Rugby game
Cooked the meal that the women of my house say no to

So I am sitting here watching Rugby, eating fried potato mush, chicken hearts and a bacon shake. The only concern is that Judy comes home early and discovers my deep dark secret of what I do when no one else is at home.

PLEASE!!!!! what ever you do PLEASE do not let her in on my deep dark secrete .........

By the way the seeds in the photo are for me to plant in our garden..... it is MY idea for a garden, I am still a guy and do what I want. Sometimes.......

The Curious Story of Professor Donald Morton

2011-11-22T10:22:00.001-08:00

This is a strange story, not because of the actions of Professor Donald R. Morton, because he acted like most of us would in his situation. The story is strange because Professor Donald Morton is the Director of the Graduate Program in Crime and Justice Studies at Suffolk University and you would think that he would be smart enough to figure out a simple crime.

To start the story off, I had an old laptop that I received several months ago. It came with tons of other stuff and I only bought the lot for one of the items. I, being the super smart guy that I am, decided to liquidate the other things by selling them on craigslist. The old laptop did not come with a power supply so I was selling it for cheap money.

I received a call from Don and he said he was interested in buying the computer. He said he lives in Boston and I live a good 20 miles away. He kept pushing me to drive to Boston and telling me that he would probably buy it. Now, I am a greedy kind of guy but there is no way that I am going to make a 40 mile round trip for pretty close to no money. Our talking went back and forth for several days and we could never find a place that was closer to me to do the deal so I just pretty much wrote off selling him the machine.

This morning I received one of the strangest emails from Professor Donald Morton, he claimed I went to his place, told his partner that I was thirsty and then dashed out with his computer while his partner went for the water. I felt sorry for the guy because that would really stink, being robbed like that. I explained that I was not the guy but I would be happy to help him if there was anything I could do.

He sent me a few more emails accusing me of being the guy so I sent him information from Craigslist that showed I listed the laptop 7 days BEFORE the day he claimed that his was stolen. This is where it becomes curious to me, Professor Donald Morton still did not believe what even Craigslist had to say so he said that he would meet me, he claimed that I am a black, male in my 30's and his partner would easily ID me. I chose the Marblehead police station and thought that would prove that I was not the guy..... mysteriously it was at the time I offered to meet him at the police station that he decided to stop talking with me.

I did take quite abit of offense over his description of me. I mean come on, I am in my 40s and would hate to think that I was still an immature 30ish year old. The "accusation" of being black was not that big of a deal because Michael Jackson later in life was about my skin color but even he did not have blue eyes. I do have to concede though that he is right about me being a male and I am proud to have picked being a male when I was born.

I honestly would assume that Director of the Graduate Program in Crime and Justice Studies at Suffolk University would have figured out that a white, guy who had the computer for sell a week before his was stolen by a black guy was probably not the man he was looking for.

After all of his threats, accusations, phone calls and emails I thought I would lay out the case and let the reader figure out if he is just off in this one situation or am I a time traveler that turns into a younger black guy when I go to the future to steal inexpensive items.

Ohhhhh, one more question. What could possibly be on a persons hard drive if their computer was stolen, they have a perfect description of the person who took it and the person was at their place while their partner was there....... yet they did not call the police to file a report? Mmmmmm, it does make a person wonder what they are trying to hide. It is also interesting that after offering to meet at the local police station Professor Donald R. Morton stopped talking with me.

Is Tim Allen an Antichrist?

2011-10-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

Lets be frank here, I live in a household of women. I have the most wonderful of all wives, I have three of the most spectacular daughters ever created by God, our best friend is a woman that also has 4 daughters and they all live next door, and even our two female cats are great pets. I have to say though that I am the lone person around that is a true guy and that is sometimes an odd thing.

Tim Allen.... the question to me becomes is he going to be the voice of guys like me. Are we going to finally have a show were a guy actually has testosterone but does not hate the women in his life. Are guys like me finally going to be able to have a show about the oddities that happen to a real guy living with with wonderful and strong women or are we once again going to be shown a "savior" that is false, an antichrist so to speak.

I love Tim's earlier work and have great hope for his new show..... I guess I will have to wait till it is shown but since I am a guy I have no problem saying that it is the best show on TV, I am sure all real men will love it and any woman that loves a guy will at the very least like it.... Guys are like that, we have no problem telling you about things that we have no idea if it is true..... but I am sure that I am right.

Marriage Will Change a Guy

2011-08-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

It is quite well known that women from the first moment of history will find a guy and then work for the rest of their life to try and change him into something other then what he actually is. I have found myself changed in several ways, by Judy, that actually surprised me. I figure these changes just crept up because I am not sure when the actual moment of change happened.

This is a short list out of many things that I now do different then when Judy first started her project.

1) I go barefoot outside all the time.... Judy never does but I do.

2) I actually like seafood now. This probably has to do with eating seafood the same day it was caught. Eat at Red Lobster? Never again.

3) I have learned to not eat stuff that you found on the ground.

4) I now take the trash out before things start growing in it.

5) Watching sports is fun and can even be a hobby but it is not a way of life.

6) A good movie does not have to have explosions in it. I still do think that it can even help a chick flick if there are enough car chases, explosions or cool things in the movie though.

7) Muscles (the food) should not need to be stomped on, hammered or thrown against a wall to get them open after they have been steamed.... I ate one and was pleasantly surprised (sarcasm) that a few hours later I could see again everything I had eaten the previous week.

8) Being a Yankee is not a disease but actually there are many benefits to it.

9) Duct tape does NOT fix everything.

10) Having your best friend be your mate for life is the most wondrous thing.... Ok, some of these are not actual changes but they are things I have learned.

Birthday Gift fom an Irish Girl, Potatos?

2011-08-06T09:53:00.000-07:00

This last week was my birthday and I have to say I received a very strange gift.

I have no problems naming names on this one so the young lady is Ari. On my birthday she gave me two packages, one was actually a very normal but nice gift and I thanked her because I was appreciative. The second one was a bag of two potatoes that were wrapped in paper as well.

I honestly could not figure it out. I know that she teases me for being Scandinavian and I tease her about being Irish so I assumed it had to do with some funky Irish custom that I had never heard of before. Maybe it had to do with the great potato famine but I was pretty sure that millions of starving people would not be something she would make a joke about.

I stood there after opening the gift trying to look more grateful then puzzled. I looked at Judy and then Ari's sister, Heather, hoping to find a bit of support but they both just looked at me with pleased smiles. I held the small bag of potatoes nervously trying to figure out what to do with them till I decided that a small bag of potatoes must be a weapon. You know, kind of like how the mob uses a bag of oranges to beat people and not leave a mark, I decided that a bag of potatoes must be what the Irish mob would use so I started swinging it around hoping that I got the whole idea right.

I swung the sack of potatoes around for what seemed like an eternity while all 3 young ladies just smiled pleasantly making me feel more unsure about my stupid action more and more as each second passed. Finally Heather stopped me and asked me to open here gift. I put down the sack with a sense of relief and took her gift.

I opened the wrapper slowly hoping above all hope that it was not going to be some kind of bizarre Irish gift that I would not understand. The gift slowly emerged and what I saw finally made sense .... I was given a fantastic potato gun and now I even had ammo for it.

This blog is honestly a warning to my neighbors, if I knock on your door and have a sneaky smile on my face and a hand behind my back you might want to act like you are not home ..... of course I could go coon hunting and shoo the critters away from our trash cans with my new weapon but the stubbornness of those beasts they would probably just think that I was shooting food at them and they would set up house in my backyard.