Let’s get on with the photos of a young SurferWife, shall we?  But first, I need you to know that I pulled all of these pictures out of a photo album that has a gigantic sticker of a night club in Tijuana across the front.  Yes, I was a real classy gal.  Still am, really.  Not much has changed since 1995:

Mexico (SurferWife on left)

Yeah, so speaking of Tijuana I thought you all should see how I behaved.  (Mom, close your eyes now) I was a mess.  Hell, I was a good time, but a friggin’ mess.  I did manage to get good grades and admission to a university, so I guess you can open your eyes mom, let’s just call me well rounded.

Prom (SurferWife on far right)

Eww.  Do I look like a bitch or what?  Dang, girl.  Get. A. Tan.  Not a cute look.

80's Day. (SurferWife on Right)

This was during decade week on 80′s day.  Clearly, I took this opportunity to dress like a whore.  If this didn’t win over Jake Ryan, I don’t know what would.

My word,  I have some serious Karma coming back to me with my own daughter.  My most sincere apologies go out to The Surfer.

Hello professional edits!

This is me now.  Well, me edited within an inch of my chaotic life, so maybe not the best depiction of me today.  How about this one?

Still an idiot

Clearly, still acting like an immature 18 year old.  Not much has changed.  I even continue to love Jake Ryan and I wear a night shirt that says so.

The following is an invitation from a local elementary that is very dear to my heart.  The need to raise funds is at an all time high and I urge you to head on over with your family and friends to participate.  There will be tons of fun stuff to do and fun items to bid on.

Be there or I kick your shins,
SurferWife

*******

The Flora Vista PTA and Flora Vista EEF invite you to attend our annual Spring Carnival & Auction at Flora Vista Elementary, 1690 Wandering Road in Encinitas this Saturday, May 19th from 2-6pm.   Bring your families, friends and neighbors to enjoy inflatable fun, live performances and music on our Community Stage, great food including Flippin’ Pizza,  Chronic Tacos etc., a cake walk, kids activities, carnival games, booths and more!

The Luau for Learning! features a silent auction with over 230 items including; community offerings, class baskets, and student art projects! All proceeds benefit Flora Vista’s Arts and Enrichment programs, consultants and equipment. Here is just a sampling of items offered:

Disney and SeaWorld tickets, California State Parks Foundation membership, fresh ProFlowers for a year, 1-year adult membership to the Ecke YMCA, unlimited month to The Dailey Method, mini interior home make over from TWFDesigns, 4 field level seats to the Padres vs. AZ Diamondbacks on June 2, and 2 four-day passes to Comic-Con!  For a full list of donors, please click here.  (Be prepared, there’s a LOT!)

Also featured at the Luau, is an opportunity drawing. The prizes include an iPad, custom 5’11” surfboard by Snyderbilt Surfboards, and the Coleman RoadTrip® Grill LXE. Tickets available at the event for $5 per ticket.

The entire community is invited to celebrate at our Luau, and funds generated will benefit Flora Vista’s much needed Arts and Enrichment programs, consultants and equipment.

Entrance to the carnival is free. Wristbands for unlimited Inflatable Fun and tickets for games and activities will be on sale for $10 at the event.

We hope to see the fantastic readers from SurferWife participating in our community fun!

Flora Vista is a California Distinguished School and Golden Bell Award Winning Elementary School dedicated to raising lifetime learners and responsible students.

For more information about the Flora Vista Carnival & Auction please visit our site.  Or email: president@FVPTA.org, social@FVPTA.org or EEF@FVPTA.org

Randy Jackson -- Image via Google

MeSoRandy Says:  “Littlefoot called and he wants his Straw Hut Pizza Collectors Edition Land Before Time jacket back!”

Moooooog35 Says:  “ ..and then the dinosaurs were happy they were extinct so they weren’t alive to see shit like this.”

Mimi Says:  “Don’t let the dinosaur jacket take away from the fact that Randy is trying to pull off skinny jeans.”

SurferWife Says:  “Yo, Dawg.  What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalottapus OR Randy Jackson.”

Renee Zellweger -- Image via Google

Adrian Kulp Says:  “You had me at ‘Hello…you know that bra is white, right?’”

Moooooog35 Says:  “Renee walked the carpet, unaware of the Ninja lurking in the shadows trying to steal her ‘perpetual squinty face.’”

MeSoRandy Says:  “Is she playing Nancy Reagan in a bio-pic?  This is total uni-boob glam”

Scar Jo -- Image via Google

Shawn Pelofsky Says:  “I’d like to Avenge that horrible outfit.”

Mimi Says:  “My skirt doubles as a chess board!”

Adrian Kulp Says:  “Click your heels together three times and maybe Toto will help you get rid of the rug burn on your knees.”

Moooooog35 Says:  “Scarlett’s outfit is actually an illusion: if I stare at it long enough I can actually feel myself masturbating.”

Toni Braxton -- Image via Google

Adrian Kulp Says:  “Hiding her lipstick probably isn’t a big deal, but the car key might be painful.”

Amanda Austin Says:  “Does my butt make this dress look small?”

Shawn Pelofsky Says:  “Hey look! The Grammy brought a tranny as it’s date.”

Mimi Says:  “Wasn’t this supposed to be a naked toga party?”

MeSoRandy Says:  “Isn’t TP’ing a black person a hate crime?” (Oh, Randy…)

 

For more ridiculous celebrity talk, head over to Amanda Austin’s It’s Blogworthy for her Celebrity Roundup. I get all of my gossip from her.

Who the SurferWife Fashion Disaster Contributors Are:

Shawn Pelofsky (Comedienne): Can be found on on her site– Haha Chick on Twitter at @ShawnPelofsky and on Facebook

Moooooog35: Author of Mental Poo can be found on Twitter at @Moooooog35 and on Facebook

Mimi: Author of Living in France can be found on Twitter at @MimsHadToDoIt

MeSoRandy: Can be found on Twitter at @MeSoRandy

Adrian Kulp: Author of Dad or Alive can be found on Twitter at @Dad_or_Alive and on Facebook

Amanda Austin: Author of It’s Blogworthy can be found on Twitter at @AmandaAustin and on Facebook

• You are a mother and you want some funny time on your special day.
• You have a mother and she wants some funny time on her special day.
• Neither scenario above applies, but maybe you’re looking to hook up with a mother at a comedy show?  Stifler’s Mom anybody?

Ok, so I don’t need to know your business or which scenario applies to your life, but I do want to offer you the solution.  The solution that involves these two fine pieces of ass:

Vicki Barbolak--America's Funniest Mom

Shawn Pelofsky--Stretch It Out

This Sunday, Mother’s Day, 6pm at Madhouse Comedy Club in San Diego will be the place to be if you want to end Mother’s Day on a high note.  I have seen both of these beauties many a time and if you’re super lucky, Vicki will be wearing size 0 spandex with toilet paper trailing from her foot.

And my dear Shawn.  Oh, Shawn Pelofsky.  This little Barbara Streisand extraordinaire talks about her sex life, her Jewish mother and all of her loyal gays.  She’s also #TeamBlackberry.  I’m not sure what this says about her…but it says something.

I want to give you 2 comped tickets to their show.  Like, famous VIP style.  Your name will be on a sparkly list and everyone will be like, “Who’s that famous person on Shawn’s comp list?  They must be #TeamBlackberry. So lucky.”

This is what I want you to do – Go tweet this: Did you hear @ShawnPelofsky is performing on Mother’s Day at @MadHouseComedy? Win tix from @SurferWife here: http://bit.ly/KkjzuZ

AND/OR

Tell your Facebook friends this: I really want to see @ShawnPelofskyComedy perform on Mother’s Day at Madhouse Comedy Club! @FriendsOfSurferWife is giving away tickets to this show here: http://bit.ly/KkjzuZ

(In order to tag Shawn Pelofsky Comedy and Friends Of SurferWife in your status, you’ll probably need to ‘LIKE’ the pages)

Once you do one or both of these, please leave a comment on this blog post (with the link, hopefully?) telling me so.

Winner will be chosen at random on Thursday, May 10th at 8pm PST.  Rumor has it that all mothers at this show get a cupcake and champagne.  Maybe Vicki will feed it to you.

Jessica Biel. Photo Credit Google

MeSoRandy Says:  “Justin may have brought Sexy Back, but Jessica clearly returned it”

A Lucky Dame Says:  “Oh! So happy she recycled her Grandma’s devan slipcover. Where is her throw pillow clutch?”

Mimi Says:  “Crap. Where’s Wonka? I thought this was the Chocolate Factory!”

Shawn Pelofsky Says:  “Steven Tyler looks great!”

Jessica Szhor. Photo Credit: Google

Adrian Kulp Says:  “that’s one way to hide the Bunyan on your clubbed foot”

Moooooog35 Says:  “…and then paisley prints became self-aware and just started, like, eating people.”

MeSoRandy Says:  “Amoeba Sheik!”

Stephanie Nuss Says:  “Just because the only book you’ve ever read was entitled Stereograms doesn’t mean you should wear one as a dress.”

Kourtney Kardashian. Photo Credit: Google

Shawn Pelofsky Says:  “The tighter the bun the more I’ll forget my husband is gay.”

Stephanie Nuss Says:  “Allow me to introduce you to the new Kardashian MortalKombat line called Fatality.”

Moooooog35 Says:  “Listen, just because Bozo opens a store on Rodeo Drive doesn’t mean you have to shop there.”

A Lucky Dame Says:  “Cirque du Soleil is in town!”

Vanessa Hudgens. Photo Credit: Google

Moooooog35 Says:  “Warning: “DO NOT PUT VANESSA HUDGENS IN MICROWAVE”

MeSoRandy Says:  “How to get dumped by Zac Efron (See Above)”

Stephanie Nuss Says:  “Mick Dundee wears the same thing to bed every night.”

SurferWife Says:  “Did you hear VHudge and Hef are starring in one of those Freaky Friday movies?  You should see Hef in her hot pants.”

 

Who the SurferWife Fashion Disaster Contributors Are:

Shawn Pelofsky (Comedienne): Can be found on on her site– Haha Chick on Twitter at @ShawnPelofsky and on Facebook

Moooooog35: Author of Mental Poo can be found on Twitter at @Moooooog35 and on Facebook

Mimi: Author of Living in France can be found on Twitter at @MimsHadToDoIt

MeSoRandy: Can be found on Twitter at @MeSoRandy

Adrian Kulp: Author of Dad or Alive can be found on Twitter at @Dad_or_Alive and on Facebook

Stephanie Nuss: Can be found on Twitter at @StephanieNuss

A Lucky Dame: Author of A Beautiful Mess can be found on Twitter at @ALuckyDame and on Pinterest

I know.  I choked on my vino reading that statement, too.  I air my laundry, your laundry, the dog’s laundry out there in hopes of brightening your day with a chuckle or two.  What I meant from the above statement is, not everyone who reads this blog knows who I am.  My first name, what I look like, how I actually behave in real life.  And for those of you who have never met me, I can safely assume the picture of SurferWife in your head is a disastrous one, yes?

I am a foul mouthed, booze drinking, sun worshipping shit show.  Maybe some of you are picturing Magda from There’s Something About Mary?

Is this SurferWife?

I mean, there WAS the time I was referred to as a drunk, box blonde old wannabe or something cool like that by a fellow blogger.  Clearly, my reputation is stellar, so who’s to say that you all don’t picture me like the above picture?

Enter Studio M La Jolla and the amazing photographer that is Michael Spengler.  His amazing studio full of incredible people said, “Hey SurferWife, we have magical skills and want to trick the Internet into thinking you look young.  And innocent.  And somewhat decent to look at.  Will you let us do that for you?”

I was like, “Oh,  good luck tricking those people that live inside my computer.  They are pretty darn savvy.”

And they were all, “No, seriously! We can make it look like you are this delicate person who would never utter the F word ever. Ever.”

After I finished laughing hysterically, I slapped on my Eyedews and said, “Let’s do this shit.”

About 15 local bloggers met at the gorgeous Studio M in La Jolla and we were treated to catered breakfast and lunch, professional hair and make up and a private shoot with Michael Spengler himself.

Ready to see what he did?  Ready to see how he made a shit talking, loud mouth look 15 years younger? Thanks to both Eyedews and Michael Spengler of Studio M La Jolla, I’d like to introduce you to me:

You’re as confused as I am, right?  For those that haven’t met me, this wasn’t your vision, correct?  For those that do know me, you’re like, ‘Wait. What?’ And for my own family, you’re like, ‘Gee, you look like a model, Mom.  It just doesn’t look like you at all.’  Thank you, son.  Way to harpoon me off of cloud 9 with your honest sentiments.

Next time I tweet or post some vulgarity at you, I hope you envision this last picture saying the crude words to you because it will make whatever I’m saying feel so much more wrong on so many levels.

I’d like to offer my most sincere thanks to Michael, Jen and the rest of the crew at Studio M La Jolla.  You are all a bunch of artistic genies in a bottle and you deserve every success you achieve.  For any brands reading this, this is the man you want creating magic for you and your brand.

**I was compensated with a free photo shoot with hair, make up and complimentary touched up images.  All opinions are my own.

Adrienne Bailon Image Credit: Google

 MeSoRandy Says:  “Looks like her camel toe stole a ball gown.”

Shawn Pelofsky Says:  “Obviously she missed her Brazilian wax appointment.”

Moooooog35 Says:  “I see London, I see France, seriously though..what the fuck.”

Adrian Kulp Says:   ”This summer’s must have – the abdominal ascot.”

Leona Lewis Image Credit: Google

Mimi Says:  “Read my lips. No, my other lips.”

Moooooog35 Says:  “….and that’s how I learned to simultaneously motorboat while French kissing.”

Shawn Pelofsky Says:  “I see that the couch from my Showtime Special “Lip Service” made it onto Leona Lewis’s breasts.”

Adrian Kulp Says:  “Forget the double DSL’s, check out this dudes adam’s apple.”

Mischa Barton Image Credit: Google

Adrian Kulp Says:  “For my next trick, I’ll make my career disappear under one of these magic handkerchiefs.”

MeSoRandy Says:  “I had a butt plug that looked like that.”

Mimi Says:  “I’m going as a lamp tassel this year.”

Moooooog35 Says:  “Sadly, shortly after this photo was taken, 3 ballasts fell off and Mischa Barton floated away, never to be seen again.”

Perez Hilton Image Credit: Google

MeSoRandy Says:  “Who needs Diet Coke when you can do the Coke Diet. Gross. As Always.”

Moooooog35 Says:  “Well, if you didn’t know he was gay before, this pretty well seals it.”

Adrian Kulp Says:  “Is it the ladies wrestling pants that make me look flamboyant or this bag full of butt-plugs.”

SurferWife Says:  “As I suddenly realize I am now featuring an idiot blogger on my blog, it makes me no less of an idiot than the featured idiot. Someone stab me in the taint for this idiotic failure as a blogger.”

Who the SurferWife Fashion Disaster Contributors Are:

Shawn Pelofsky (Comedienne): Can be found on on her site– Haha Chick on Twitter at @ShawnPelofsky and on Facebook

Moooooog35: Author of Mental Poo can be found on Twitter at @Moooooog35 and on Facebook

Mimi: Author of Living in France can be found on Twitter at @MimsHadToDoIt

MeSoRandy: Can be found on Twitter at @MeSoRandy

Adrian Kulp: Author of Dad or Alive can be found on Twitter at @Dad_or_Alive and on Facebook

A  GRASSROOTS effort to Empower people to STOP Breast Cancer through Active Prevention and Generosity { and have a little fun while we’re at it! }

Well friends, now all of my San Diego locals can help raise funds AND have a little fun with the Boobs themselves by participating in Lunafest on May 3rd at La Paloma Theater in Encinitas!  Even if you can’t be there, would you participate by helping to spread the word? Maybe a boob will thank you…

Details:

LUNAFEST will inspire and empower you to take action for prevention and stop breast cancer before it starts!

LUNAFEST is a traveling film festival of award-winning short films by, for and about women. This season’s program of nine selected films will compel discussion, make you laugh, tug at your heartstrings and motivate you to make a difference in your community. Incredibly diverse in style and content, LUNAFEST is united by a common thread of exceptional storytelling – by, for and about women.

5pm-6pm- ART STOMP Art Preview, Raffle and Musical Intro by Laura Roppe, author of “Rockin’ the Pink”.

6pm-8pm- LUNAFEST film series.

8pm- Raffle wrap up.

8:30- cows come home- Live music by “Cool Band Luke” at D Street Bar and Grill! Whooohooo!

Hosted by Boobs on the Move®- a grassroots effort to empower people to stop breast cancer through active prevention™ and generosity. {And have a little fun while we’re at it.}

All proceeds benefit the BREAST CANCER FUND and their important work to eliminate the environmental causes of breast cancer.  Please grab your tickets HERE.

Like Boobs on the Move on FACEBOOK & follow @BoobsontheMove on Twitter.

Since so many of you loved the MODA by Sofia MODAperformance wear, I need to send you over to their page of promo codes.  And guess what?  Even if you didn’t win this giveaway, you can still be my twinsie for a whopping 40% off the original price of the outfit.  So, definitely take a looksie at the savings they want to offer my lovely SurferWife readers.

And don’t forget:  The best part of MODA by Sofia are their pluscious and skinny girl lines of performance wear.  Now ALL of you can shop.

Let’s get on to the winner, shall we?  I do have to say, doing your due dilligence really pays off.  Rafflecopter chose someone who fulfilled every bonus entry AND tweeted daily to earn maximum entries.  Take a lesson from this, folks.  The numbers don’t lie.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Congratulations, Tracy!