I love posting here at the Mad Woman’s place . . . see, there is absolutely nothing that is off-topic. Well, a post about dealing with scrotum chafing, post marathon, might not be geared toward her target audience . . . but, most anything I’d write is “fair game.”

This blog isn’t, exactly, shy on the sex talk. So, I thought I’d write about the time, when I was in 8th grade, that I played bass for “No No Nanette” at an all-girl’s Catholic school, fell asleep in a dressing room before matinee & evening performances, and woke up to a discussion of three junior girls talking about sex¹. Alas, I don’t think many here need to figure out where to buy a vibrator, or how to hide a vibrator, or condoms, from their parents, and there’s no small percentage of the audience who are disappointed when their period hits after having sex . . . and I highly doubt that anyone here would drink Zima, so, I fear recalling that moment just wouldn’t make for a very good post.

Her blog is a parenting blog – so I thought I’d post about the fact that my daughter has taken to eating dog food. But, there’s not much more to that story than just that.

Her blog can inspire you to want to go out & run triple-Iron-Mans (if only to catch a glimpse of a lot of cute asses along the way), but I’ve had a lot of trouble wrapping up my pep talk posts. And while we know that I can be quite wordy, it’s no fun to start something and not finish.

Her blog can wax poetic and make us want to embrace life – so I thought about the moment when I first held my son, or when my mother’s father, who I saw seldom, and spoke with even more seldom, pulled me aside & said “you’re my oldest grandson, and I wanted to know that I’m proud of you.” But, well, those posts take a long time to write – I get very particular about every word, and rewrite huge portions of them . . . and I love posting here so much that I don’t know if I have the patience to actually work through one of those posts at this moment.

So, I’ve decided to write about a passion, one which belongs here. See, it’s cold outside where I am. But that doesn’t mean that this passion is, ever far from my mind. There are few words that sound sweeter than “pitchers & catchers report” to these ears of mine. The feeling of a leather glove covering my left hand is delightful. The smell of pine tar always brings a smile to my face. There is no refreshment like a cold beer on a hot day as you keep score.

Oh, and I once received a blow job, during a rain delay, at Shea stadium².

There is no feeling like the feeling of truly connecting with a wooden bat against a pitched ball. The *thud* that sticks in your hands for just a moment, before reverberating throughout your body. The trajectory that the ball takes as it leaves the bat, and then becomes so small that you can’t see it. If that feeling could be bottled, it’d be more addictive than crystal meth.

I’ve worn cleat marks from a failed collision at home plate as a trophy³ I’ve felt a packed crowd will a pulled-ball fair and over the fence. I’ve held my breath watching a runner break for second base.

I can’t wait to sit down & teach my kids how to keep score (this may be the one relic that I’ll always want to do with paper & pencil, even if technology provides alternate methods), to tell them about the time I saw Barry Bonds hit a homerun, before he was a steroid-freak, or when I heckled encouraged one of the nicest baseball players to ever step on the diamond to hit a homerun⁴.

My idea of a perfect summer is to start in Miami and then bicycle from city to city, taking in a game in every stadium, stopping at minor league parks when I’m between major league cities.

The geek in me loves the power of numbers within baseball . . . the young me would spend hours collecting & calculating statistics for rotisserie baseball. The modern me loves comparing players past & present.

I hate the DH, unless I’ve been drinking, where I kind of love a hired assassin.

I’ll wake up at the butt-crack of dawn to watch season openers in Japan, or World Classic ballgames. Heck, I used to take the first day of the season off as a “floating holiday.”

Oh, how I love me some baseball.

So when I saw that Nichole had posted this beautiful looking recipe yesterday, I knew I had to try it and I knew it would be good. Love you girl! And yes, yes it was.

I'm off to a good start, right? Except for the picture quality. Shut up.

This looks grosser than it was.

Wow, that was easy.

You were a good plant, but now you must say goodbye.

I may have been singing "choppin' broccoli"

Oh yeah, baby. YUM. MMY

As a footnote, let me add, my daughter, a NOTORIOUS picky eater, CLEANED HER PLATE!!!!! This is going straight to my short list of favorite and easy meals. Now if someone could tell me how to make my rosemary grow faster.

Second footnote: I’m big time disappointed that I wasn’t able to try Rachel’s pick for an accompanying wine. Next time *crossing fingers.

Sadly, another house, just down the street has come available and you can bet your bottom dollar Adonis was all over it. And this time, we have the financing and the need.

And now I’m sad because we’re moving away from friends, PERFECT childcare and into a house I don’t love. Fuck me.

PS I’ve edited the original post to reflect the new house.

Yesterday I mentioned Adonis had a big hard on over this house that we just had to see.

Well we saw it.

Meh.

And it’s beige.

He loved it.

Apparently it was bank-owned and then bought up by an investment group to flip.  It’s got travertine tile in the kitchen, breakfast area, dining room and all the bathrooms.  Schmancy faux wood flooring thru the front living room and entire upstairs.  Granite countertops in the kitchen and bathrooms.  Jacuzzi tub and glass enclosed shower.  Fireplaces in the front room, family room and master.  Big fat white columns throughout.

And beige paint on EVERY wall.  Same damn shade throughout.

I hated it.

It’s done.  Even down to the little vegetable bed.  The tomatoes are already in the ground!

Do I sound like a spoiled brat?  Ungrateful?

There is almost NO room for me to put my stamp on things.  No place where I can make it my own.

The hubs loves the openness of it, all the space (3200 some square feet.)  But I walked around thinking, “well if I have all this space, why isn’t there a space for me and my junk?  A place where I can spread out and stick a needle thru my finger while trying to relearn how to sew or where I can spill glue all over the place while decoupaging a free form piece of art?  A place to express myself.

Oh yes, dear readers, I am aware that I have this little plot of bandwidth and I am grateful.

But what to do with the rest of these creative juices?  Do I set up shop in the garage?  Make my poor guest have to shove my multiple idea boards off the bed in the guest room?  Do I turn that most useless, waste of space vanity in the monstrous bathroom into my desk?

To add insult to injury, my commute will go from a happy 20 minutes each way (along a gorgeous stretch of truck-free freeway bordered w/ always blooming trees and shrubs) to 35 minutes each way, mostly on a massive 8 laner full of 18 wheelers.

So, do I break my hubs heart over this house or buck up and suck it up?  He did buy me this little darling that we’re in now and I’ve had the sweet commute for 7 years.

And if you want to reach thru the interweb and smack me, I get it.

Adonis says:
This morning (at Maddy’s preschool) a girl asked her mommy “who’s that?”. She says “That’s a daddy.” “A handsome daddy?” Mommy looks up, “Yep, that’s a handsome daddy.”

I say:
Did you see the dude? Can you get me his number?

Adonis says:
*510-555-4512

I say
Yeah, thats the bogus number I use when I don’t want to take calls too.

*OBVS I’m not posting my real number.

As you’ve noticed, prior to this week I’ve been pretty scarce around here. Work and kids have left little time and mental energy for my little happy place (that’s RIGHT HERE, in case you were wondering). So to fill in the gaps while I’m trying to get my S#&T together, I thought up a new series, Words from Woodies. Posts from all my favorite men of the blogosphere. Genius, ain’t it?

To kick things off, we have Tim from Soge Shirts. You all know him and his clever shirts. He’s also one of the most supportive tweeters out there. Tim is helping his brother promote a new website which I think is all kinds of cool. Check out the inaugural WFW post from Tim and read on to find out more about Dave’s new project.

Oh?- This first word is used by guys especially when responding to women’s texts. In fact my girlfriend’s mom got an oh text from her boyfriend and asked me what it meant. In her original text she told him that we were at Disneyland. I told her the Oh was guy speak for Oh that is cool and also that he hates texting. Short one word answers from a guy always mean he hates texting. If he says oh on a phone call he also hates phone calls. Do not interpret this as that they don’t care. Us guys don’t have a lot to say sometimes so we worry that we will run out of things to talk about when you come home.

I’m going for a walk- This means I need to get out of the house for awhile. You may also notice they get in their car and drive somewhere. Technically though they will have to walk eventually so it wasn’t a lie.

I’m watching the game- Not a smart phrase for a guy to use. I’ve used it before and it is usually followed by the “I’m fine” counterattack. Tivo can be a magical thing. Miss a few plays and pause the game fellas to avoid a fight.

I’ll do it in a bit- This means we might do something you ladies asked us in the next week or two. This is a favorite of mine when my lady asks me to take the trash out.

Huh? or What?- Sometimes us guys have short attention spans. New technology like phones that enable us to check the score of a game during a conversation may lead to this phrase quite a bit. Basically we weren’t listening.

I’ll do it myself- This is not a good phrase to hear especially if it comes to fixing something like the toilet. Basically we have a giant ego and don’t want to ask for help from anyone. Unless we are really handy that 150 dollar bill is about to turn into a $1150 dollar bill. Help us save face by calling a professional immediately.

You can’t be serious- Something annoying or unfortunate happened and instead of accepting reality we’d rather counter with a rhetorical question.

Did somebody say bacon?- We like bacon.

Thanks Tim, that really clears things up for us!  Heh.

And now the exciting stuff for those of you who dream of being the next big thing or just want to work on your skills:

Interactivemusicteacher.com offers live online music classes for drummers, bass players, guitarists, and in the future voice/piano. The courses that they offer currently are free 10 week courses geared towards the absolute beginner. If you just got a drum set, bass, or guitar you can visit the website and start playing from day one.

All the classes are streamed live in HD, then later archived so students never miss any material. You can ask your teacher questions and get responses in real time, via the chat feature. Pre-recorded tutorials are offered as well, so players can work on a specific topic without having to sign up to a whole course. Free lessons, articles, and guest posts from accomplished musicians are posted on the blog. Here’s the latest funny vlog post from the bass teacher Josh Fossgreen  http://interactivemusicteacher.com/blog/2012/01/16/dont-stop-believin-bass-party-trick/ .

No dingbats. My good friend Natalie mentioned a linky over at moments that define life and well, as I am in search of ANY writing inspiration, I jumped on this one. And really, who doesn’t like lists? Nicole provided 3 different prompts and I jumped on the one that I could spit out in ten minutes while my coffee brewed and I ran updates on my work computer. Yeah, I’m a multitasking master! And while I’d like to share with you 5 posts of which I’m most proud, that takes more work than my caffeine-craving brain can muster. So instead I give you:

10 things i rather be doing than chores

10. Working. I like my job, folks. Hell I can tweet and blog from here. What’s not to love?

9. Riding my bike, also know as my lovah. Preferably along a waterfront…. and no, the water sewage plant does not count.

8. Learning a new recipe…LEISURELY …and preparing it for people that aren’t afraid of new foods. SHEESH.

7. Swimming, as in laps. Yes, I’m a freak. Bite me. Right here!

6. Lounging on a chaise, reading a book. This is one is a guess because I’ve only lounged on a chaise for a few moments in a furniture store but I’m pretty sure its better than scrubbing up dried cat puke off the floor.

5. Lounging beside a pool with my besties talking about everything we don’t have time to talk about at blogger meet ups, conventions, wine tastings…so yeah, SERIOUS LOUNGE TIME PEOPLE.

4. Running. It was a given, come on.

3. Bikram yoga. Shocking, I know…it beat out running!

2. Chasing my kids at the park. Granted, I’m probably wearing one for a while but you get the idea..

1. Wait for it, waaaaaaaaaait: s e x.

Did you expect anything else?

Thanks Natalie and hello Nicole!

So peeps…pick 3 things you’d rather do. Go!

One step closer

I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darlin’ don’t be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I’ll love you for a
Thousand more.

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Maddy is relentless. If she wants something she will continue to ask, in the same tone, over and over until we give in. We can tell her “in just a moment, honey” or “No, you can’t have that.” The response is the same: “I want …” She wears us out.

To add to the fun, ever since The Dude arrived, she’s wanted me to hold her, ALL. THE. TIME. I can be sitting on the toilet and she’ll come in and tell me over and over “Hold me!” Or its “Give Sammy to Daddy and HOLD ME.” She will follow me around the house, trying to hold on to one of my legs until I stop and hold her.

Yes, the easy answer is to stop, sit and hold her and I do but the child is insatiable. She cannot get enough Mommy. It is NOT charming.

And yet, even when she hasn’t eaten her dinner, she’s snatched her toys away from Sam and she’s swiped at the cats, or she’s waking me at 2 am to ask for mucky muck, the moment she smiles at me I lose it. This child of mine, the one that took us 2 1/2 years and tens of thousands of dollars to conceive, is my heart.  No matter how many times she hurts me with her words, her moments of meanness, her rotten orneriness, I love her. For always.

Maddy, when I hear this song I think of you. There may be a day when you wonder about my feelings for you, when you worry that I may not love you. I do, my sweetest child, I do. I always have and I always will.

Bogarter of the OJ

I love each and everyone of you who knows where that came from. It’s also sort of true. No, I”m not gonna feed you a bunch of excuses as to why I haven’t been writing. The reasons are more boring than my dating life during the late 80′s so lets just move on, shall we.

Being late to the party is kinda my thing.  Making my New Year’s resolution around January 3rd has been a tried and true tradition for over a decade. This year I haven’t even opened my bottle of bubbly. Lets just say I’ve had a lot on my plate. But despite the broken crayons, overturned sippy cups and mismatched running shoes, I am finding some order among the chaos. And somewhere around here I may find some resolve. No, not the carpet cleaner though thanks I need to add that to my shopping list.

So what the hell am I rambling about? Who knows. But since “everyone” loves lists, I thought I’d throw one at you. Here is my to do list to make 2012 great….in no particular order:

10. Stop the pumping. Really. The Dude will be fine and I’ll get some of my life back. But don’t worry, I’ll still talk about boobs.

9. Boobs! Yeah for boobs! And to celebrate boobs, I’ll be doing the boob walk in Boston with my lovah MommaKiss! Yes, this means I will be hitting you up for your nickles, dimes, quarters, whatever loose change you have in your seat cushions.

8. Find that elusive box of sleep I asked for for Christmas. My plan is to get The Dude to sleep for 6 hours at a shot. A girl can dream, right? Oh please say I can. I miss dreams.

7. Get more men around here because who among us doesn’t like a little dick in our lives? And no, that isn’t some disgusting reference to my son, you whack jobs. I’m talking about a new series I’ve dubbed Words from Woodies. Stay tuned. And yes, you link hungry fools, this will include the work of my John. Heh…yes I just called you that!

6. Move. Yeah, on the house hunt again but this time without the added pressure of selling ours first. Don’t ask me how, the details are a little fuzzy. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to sell any of my born children.

5. Move more. Big surprise, I’ve committed to a #RunStreak, that is, running at least one mile a day. Poppy is going for a month. Being the bitch that I am, I’m going for a month and a day. Or maybe 2 months. Or twelve.

4. Move less. I learned a valuable lesson from my good friend Sheri, one I don’t think she knew she was teaching. She taught me the value of sitting still and being present. Maddy is constantly asking me to hold her, to spend time with her. to focus on her. Adonis has mumbled something similar more times than I care to count. So somewhere in this madness I’m going to stop and be still and be. For my kids, my marriage, my sanity.

3. Focus. Seriously. I hope to find a direction with this blog and stick to it. Being able to focus at work would make me wildly more successful and possibly less annoying. If I had to pick, this is probably the one goal I’ll be the LEAST likely to accomplish. Just sayin.

2. Synchronicity. SanDiegoMomma (I love her. She is one of the most GENUINE people I know.) wrote about finding her bliss this week and she used the word synchronicity. When I saw that word a light bulb went on in my fuzzy brain. THIS is what my house has been missing. We’ve just been 7 bodies, YES the cats count, moving about on our own paths,  our own agendas with little meaningful interactions. Now is the time to change. I’m tired of not connecting. I’m tired of feeling like we’re opposing elements bashing into each other.

1. About that bashing into each other…..could a list from me be complete with out sex? Yeah, I didn’t think so. So yeah SEX! I want it, I want to talk about it, I want to tweet inappropriately about it and did I mention I WANT IT!

Why hello Libido. Where did you come from?

So bring me up to speed…what’s on your year’s to-do list?

In my house that means I’m scrambling to get dinner made, feed  the kiddos, get those two kiddos bathed and to bed and get out the door for a five or more mile run.

Yeah, it’s a little crazy so I need fast and easy meals preferably that don’t create a huge mess to make. Today’s feature recipe does just that. I’ve joined a mailing list that sends me daily recipes, many of them from Cooking Light, a great magazine for health conscious foodies…or wannabes.

I grew up in Kansas and first tried chowder when I moved to San Francisco. It was a seafood chowder and I assumed that was the only kind of chowder out there. Au contraire mon frere! This yummy rich soup is a corn potato chowder that is well, more of a bacon delivery system at our dinner table. But its also a way to fill a hungry belly and keep it full. (Yeah for no late night snacking!)

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