This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and as an adoption agency the majority of our adoptive parents seek us out because they have not been able to resolve their infertility biologically. This is challenging, and grieving a lost biological child is intense whether born, unborn or never conceived. The mental jump needed to adjust expectations is intense and necessary, and reality is not everyone can do it. The goal has to change to having children, rather than having biological children.

Another “Don’t Ignore” is the reality of this process. It’s not easy; it’s not designed to be. Much like infertility treatments you get poked and probed, only this time it’s about your lifestyle, your background and social history, all of which is done to prove you would be a good parent. Then, much like pregnancy, you wait…and wait…and wait. Once you are chosen or get your referral there is more anxiety, and a legal process to make that child yours forever. However, once you get past that part, it has the same outcome – you are parents. The child is legally yours and you start the next phase of life.

Believe it or not I have actually had parents tell me that looking back they are so grateful for their infertility, because if they were able to conceive biologically they would never have their beautiful child. While you may not be able to fathom being in that place now as you explore your options, it does exist. Don’t ignore any of the options you have because the one you initially think is not possible may just be your path towards your new family.

Looking for support and more information about infertility?

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

Looking for more information about adopting through A Gift of Hope Adoptions? Fill out our Adoptive Parents Contact Form.

After investigating various offices around our duty station, I was amazed by how little information about adoption the base was able to provide.  Each office I visited gave me the same response, “Hmmm.  We’re not really sure.  Maybe you could try___________”.  And thus began the wild goose chase.  I searched the internet and contacted everyone I could think of to find a way to get our daughter back to Japan quickly.  Looking at all the information I had collected, I was able to piece together some useful ideas to help our adoption move smoothly and to get a passport issued for our daughter.  Most of the information can help anyone who is adopting, but some of it is specific to military families.

·      

    Find an adoption agency with experience working with military families- Do your research.  Find an adoption agency that is willing to accept a homestudy from any licensed social worker.  Ask the agency to provide an outline/sample format of a homestudy to make the process easier for the social worker. 

·      Be organized- Buy a multiple section folder in which to store all of your adoption material.  Before finding a social worker, ask your agency if there are specific forms needed for your medical exam, fingerprinting, letters of reference, etc.  Gather these forms and complete as many as possible BEFORE beginning your homestudy.  This will make the process go much faster.  Items that I recommend having before completing a homestudy include: copies of every family members’ birth certificates, copies of marriage and/or divorce certificates, physical/mental health exams done by a qualified physician and/or mental health provider, copies of your most recent tax return, and five letters of reference (three from non-family members and two from family members).  Begin an ongoing itemized worksheet of ALL adoption expenses including payment information, to whom the money was paid and the services performed.   Make copies of everything and keep them in a separate location in your home or scan and email copies of paperwork to yourself.  If traveling alone, visit your attorney or base legal office to obtain general power of attorney to sign documents for your spouse as well as special power of attorney for all adoption related decisions. 

·      Find a licensed social worker- If you are living in the states, finding a licensed social worker is usually not difficult.  However, finding a licensed social worker while living overseas can be more challenging.  Contact your base mental health clinic and ask if they have any licensed social workers that are able to do adoption homestudies.  Your area may also have an online adoption forum that could guide you to a social worker.  Other resources may include the Airman Family and Readiness Center, Base Legal or the LINKS program.  You will need to ask your social worker to provide you with copies of their license. 

·      Contact an attorney-Once you are matched with a birthmother, ask your adoption agency to help you find an attorney.  Ask the attorney to speak to the court in the county where the adoption will take place BEFORE you retain the attorney’s services.  Make sure that the court knows that you are a military family, where you are stationed, and how your homestudy was completed.  This is critical because every state (and sometimes even counties) has different criteria as to whether homestudies from licensed social worker are acceptable or if it has to be from a licensed agency.  Some states will approve a homestudy from a licensed social worker as long as a local adoption agency will sign off on it.  If the court is already appraised of the situation before the termination of parental rights/transfer of custody hearing, then you are less likely to have any unhappy surprises at court.  Ask your attorney to request a court order for issuance of passport.  This court order can usually be approved at the transfer of custody hearing/termination of parental rights hearing. 

·      Getting a passport for your new child- If you are stationed overseas or simply if you are traveling soon after the birth/transfer of custody of your child, there are lots of different ways to obtain passports quickly including using passport expediting companies such as visaexpress.net or passportexpress.com.   However, expediting companies can be expensive and usually will not refund your money if any mistake is made on the application or if a passport photo is rejected.  I was able to obtain a passport for my daughter in less than 24 hours from application time until I had her passport in hand by visiting a national passport center.  Here is how I did it:

•  Locate a national passport center.  You can do this by calling 1-877-487-2778.  You can also make an appointment at the same time. 
• If you are traveling alone to adopt your child- from the U.S. Department of State website (http://travel.state.gov/passport), print out form DS-3053.  Have the parent that is NOT traveling take the form to a notary and have it signed in front of the notary (usually banks on base or base legal can provide notary services).  This form grants the parent that is traveling permission to obtain a passport.  You will also need a copy of the front and back of your spouse’s military identification card or driver’s license. 
• After your baby is born, request that the attorney obtain several original copies of your baby’s birth certificate.  This needs to be an official copy with the County or State seal on it (the hospital issued certificate is not accepted). If you are fortunate enough to have a positive relationship with your birthmother, you can kindly request that she go with you to the county clerk office to obtain original copies.  Our birthmother was amazing enough to go with me and I was able to obtain five originals right away for a total of $35.   
•  Gather the required materials: To expedite a passport from a national passport center, you MUST have proof of departure within 14 days.  Proof of departure can include a receipt for travel plans, a confirmed itinerary or tickets. You will also need an original birth certificate for your child, the notarized form DS-3053 (if traveling alone), a court order for obtaining a passport, an original copy of the transfer of custody from the court, two passport photos of your little one, completed form DS-11 (also located on http://travel.state.gov/passport website). 

·      Military Info- If you are in the military, the active duty service member will need to register your child for DEERS (Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System) as soon as you have an original copy of your child’s birth certificate as well as an original copy of the transfer of custody.  In some branches of the service, you may also need a command sponsorship letter for eligibility into Tricare (military health care program).  For more information, visit the Tricare office at your local military treatment facility or your base personnel office. 

·      Take a deep breath- You can do this!  Break up the monotony of paperwork by having some fun.  Remember, you are doing this to bring your child home!   Take care of yourself, eat well, exercise and spend time with friends.  Doing things that you enjoy will make the time go by more quickly and make the tough times seem more manageable. 

It was somewhere around the 7^th hour of flying that I began to doubt if we would ever make it back home.  Some of the other passengers regarded me with sympathy, but the majority was trying to mentally eject my screaming newborn daughter from the plane.  I imagined them thinking, “Who is this horrible mother dragging a three week old infant across the world?” as they shot laser beams out of their eyes towards us.   

 I was tired, cranky, and I definitely smelled suspicious after wrestling with luggage, a car seat, stroller, and infant by myself.  I tried every possible arrangement of airplane pillows to find a comfortable way to feed her before I allowed myself to acknowledge that no such position actually existed.  Though I had carefully premeasured formula before boarding, the plane seemed to hit turbulence every time I tried to mix a bottle so that my previously blue shirt was now spotted with fstains and baby vomit. After a journey through customs and yet another plane ride, we landed.  I collected our luggage in a shaky rush and stumbled bleary-eyed into the arms of my husband and watched as he met our daughter for the first time, all of the stress of traveling simply melted away. 

 The day we had arrived home was Christmas Eve and I REALLY needed coffee to combat the jet lag.  As I sat at Starbucks with my husband, my son, and my new daughter, I noticed the politely averted stares and curious smiles of the locals as they regarded my colorful little family; Caucasian parents, a two-year-old African American boy, and a biracial newborn girl with bright blue eyes living in Okinawa.

 My husband is a psychologist with the United States Air Force and we are stationed in Japan.  We adopted domestically, but to do so, traveled around the world to the states and returned home to a foreign country.  Adoption is difficult under the best of circumstances but adopting while in the military brings with it some unique challenges, especially if stationed overseas or if the service member is deployed.  I have encountered many military families who wanted to adopt but were so overwhelmed by the demands of frequent moves that might interrupt a homestudy, difficulty finding a qualified social worker to do the homestudy, lack of information on adoption (or conflicting information) available to military service members and their families, confusion over how to obtain a passport, and rejection from adoption agencies that found working with military families stationed overseas to be too cumbersome.  The mantra that I heard most often was, “We would really like to adopt, but it is just so hard and we don’t know where to begin.” 

Nicole R. Frederick (Adoptive Mom of Two)

 M.A., Counseling Psychology

People can say the darnedest things.  As adoptive parents, we hear plenty, as do my friends who are parents through donor conception.  While I am happy to educate people about the adoption world and the better names to use for people and situations, what we worry about most is how stupid comments affect our children.  Within a 1 month span, I heard “real parents” referenced on TV and radio 3 or 4 times.  What must those kinds of terms to do our kids’ perception of their family?  And when I model the correct term of birthmother or birthfather and the other speaker doesn’t start using the term, don’t be surprised if I completely call them out on it!  Here are some of the highlights of things that have been said to my friends and me.

• “You took the easy way out.  You adopted.” Followed closely by “Just adopt.”  Yes, we took the easy way out.  I enjoyed getting permission from 27 different people to be a parent, having no money to spend for years (after spending all our money on failed infertility treatments), asking friends and family for referrals on what great people we are and especially holding a baby that I didn’t know if I was going to be a parent to.

• You didn’t do awful things to your body being pregnant.”  And  “You are so lucky you didn't need to buy maternity clothes.”  Nope, I have no stretch marks.  Instead I have tiny scarring on my stomach from the 300+ shots I gave myself.  The 2 miscarriages, including 1 D&C, were a walk in the park too.  And research is still rather inconclusive on what the final results of all those hormones I injected will be.  I would gladly trade all of it for stretch marks.

• Didn’t you want a child of your own?” and “So, you couldn't have kids of your own?”  Yes, I wanted kids of my own.  These two beautiful boys ARE MY OWN. 

• Are you going to buy another baby?” and “So how much did he cost?”  Well let me scan the UPC bar code on his butt and find out since I don’t remember.  While adoptions are expensive, what we pay for is the advertising to find the birthparents, the counseling for the birthparents, counseling for us, filing of legal paperwork and sometimes some living expenses for the birthparents, among other things.  I did not pay for my child.  That is illegal.

• “He clings to you like you’re his mom.”  I don’t wipe his butt and pay for his room and board out of generosity.  I AM his mom.  Period.

• “How old was he when you got him?” and “Where was he born?”  While not offensive questions, the reactions from people when I tell them that they were born in state and we were there 4 hours after birth for kid #1 and down the hall for kid #2, people seem very disappointed and almost offended.

• “If it's meant to be it'll happen.” Right by that logic if I play on the highway I'll only get hit by a car if it's meant to be.

• “Adopt and you'll fall pregnant for sure.” “And now you will get pregnant. Just watch!” (I got a puppy and didn't end up having a litter of my own)  And while I know people this has happened to, research shows that anyone who quits treatment has a small percentage of a chance of becoming pregnant spontaneously, regardless of an adoption status.  It has also happened to just as many friends who quit treatment and did not adopt.  This has also been said to my friend after her hysterectomy and to me after my tubes were tied as part of my infertility treatment.

• “Maybe you just weren't meant to be a mom/mum.” Maybe my spork wants to visit your eyeball.

• “Take my kids that'll cure you of wanting them.” Who do you hate more, me or your kids?

• “Are they your real kids?” Nope! My imagination is *that* good that I can make others see them!  And I’m their “real” mom – no plastic!

• “Bless your heart taking in those poor kids.”   “You are saints for adopting.”  We asked for these kids.  We are the lucky ones to be their parents.  While yes, there are some people out there who are truly saints for adopting extreme special needs kids, most of us just want to be a mom or dad.

• “Where is their real mommy?” and “Or, "how tall is his mom?"
  Me: "well, you're looking at her right now… How tall do I look?"  Again, not plastic.  And by using those words, people completely negate our relationship with our children.  For the record, but of my children have spent time with their birthfamilies, know who they look like (and how tall their birthfamily members are) and will always be told how loved they are by both of their families.

• “Where is their real mommy?” and “Or, "how tall is his mom?"
  Me: "well, you're looking at her right now… How tall do I look?"  Again, not plastic.  And by using those words, people completely negate our relationship with our children.  For the record, but of my children have spent time with their birthfamilies, know who they look like (and how tall their birthfamily members are) and will always be told how loved they are by both of their families.

• “When are you going to tell them they are adopted?” Um…you think I'd tell you but not tell them?  Particularly enjoy this question to parents of transracially adopted children!

• About my kids, while knowing I'm their mom: "are they siblings?" Clearly, yes, I'm mom to both of them so that's how that works. I understand what they are really asking but will never understand why this matters so much to everyone we meet.

This final comment came from my first son’s birthmom.  She did what medical science could not – she made me a mom.  I have found that my momma bear instincts kick in when people ask about her and her motives to chose adoption for her baby.  I’ll stand up for her the same way I stand up for my son when the brat at school calls him names!  Adoption is an incredibly loving, brave choice.  I’ve seen people take the “easy” way out and just pass the baby on to another family member.  There is nothing easy about chosing adoption, and all of my adoptive parent friends are incredibly grateful to our children’s birthparents for their choice. 

My personal favorite (I am a birth mom) How could you give up your child????? Didn't you love them?…(Of course I loved my child. That’s why I picked his parents. lol)   Biology doesnt make a family….love does…and so many people dont realize that… 

So what’s the problem?

The problem is that the healthy infants are not the needy kids. As I’ve noted before, we have long waiting lists for those families – usually who have gone through very difficult infertility treatments – who want to adopt healthy infants. But we have to recruit families for those with special needs, older children, or large sibling groups.

Do I have a problem with people who choose adoption as their first choice to complete their family? No of course not, although you have to accept that some prospective birth mothers might. Everyone has a different path to parenthood and that’s fine. But don’t kid yourself by thinking that since you are adopting a healthy White girl that you are doing anyone a favor. Except of course yourself and hopefully your child. But I can also tell you that we have also seen a lot of additional frustration from families when they get rejected by a prospective birth mom because they are not infertile, or when they get flak from other adoptive families who have gone through a lot of invasive medical procedures only to get their hearts broken. Increasingly, they are saying what woman told us on the phone the other day after hearing the details about cost, wait times, and legalities of domestic infant adoption; “Oh, so maybe I should just have one then.”

We have several books exploring the religious call to adopt in our Bookstore – take a look at the "Motivations" section!

Below is a guest post from Cherri Walrod, Founder and Director of Resources4Adoption. Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom and experience, Cherri!

In the last ten years and through completion of three international adoptions, I learned a great deal about adoption financial planning and resources.  I would like to share some of what I learned with you.

Here are the three things that you must know before looking for adoption grants:

1.  Application Eligibility Criteria

Nearly all adoption grant organizations have some sort of application criteria.  What are eligibility criteria anyway?  Eligibility criterion says who is eligible to apply and who is NOT eligible to apply.  If you are single and applying to an organization that only offers grants to married couples, then you would be wasting your time.  If you are not a Christian and you are applying to an organization that only offers grant to Christians, once again you would be wasting your time. 

Some organizations have more than one set of application criteria.  For example some sources may only accept applications from Christian married couples and making less than $60,000 annually.  Another example might be a grant for families adopting special needs or a particular special need and the family lives in a particular state or area of the country.  Others may only offer a matching grant format.

It is very important to know ahead of time what the application criteria are so that you make the best use of your time and resources. 

2.  Home study

Almost every granting organization requires that adoptive families have a completed home study.  There are only one or two sources that I am aware of, where families can apply at any stage in the process.  The vast majority require this critical piece of documentation.  In most cases you will be asked to send a copy of your home study along with your adoption grant application.

3.  Documentation

Most adoption grant organizations require list of documents or documentation to accompany a family’s application.  You will need to be prepared to present a working family budget or monthly cash flow, summary of your net worth, listing of adoption expenses (including what has been paid and what still needs to be paid), other financial documents such as pay stubs or letters from employers verifying your income, tax returns for the last few years, and motivation to adopt. 

If you plan to apply to any Christian based organizations, you will need to supply some additional information about your beliefs, theology and faith.  Christian organizations sometimes require letters of reference from your pastor, small group leader and others from your community who can vouch for your Christian character. 

There may be more documents but you get the general idea…Plan to prepare and send a lot of paperwork! 

My goal is to help save you time and frustration so you can focus on building your family.  When you need help, please check out Resources4adoption.com or follow these links for additional resources:

1.  CHARTS - Most families are interested in are the Adoption Grants charts or the Grants AND Loans Charts.  These are available on the website for a nominal fee.  There are a total of 67 grants or grant names listed.  This chart also has a quick reference guide to help you locate potential sources even faster.  You can view a FREE SAMPLE CHART HERE.  

2.  eBook – How to Find Funding-The Complete Guide to Adoption Grants and Loans.  This step-by-step guide will lead you through the process of applying for grants and gives you tons of information and pointers on exactly how and what to do with these applications.

3.  Combine and Save – Get the grants and loans charts, plus the eBook at discounted rate that will save 20% when you get them together.  You can find that info here.

I hope this information has been helpful.  For more information about adoption grants and other adoption financing options, please visit my website at www.resources4adoption.com. 

Cherri Walrod

Founder and Director of Resources4adoption.com

©November 2011 Resources4adoption.com