A Girl's Peace of Mind

Michael's Birth Story

2012-06-06T13:16:00.002-07:00

This pregnancy for me was the toughest one and the final one for me. I dealt with a few issues during the pregnancy including an irritable uterus and gestational diabetes. My previous two pregnancies I dealt with an irritable uterus which for myself lead to bed rest for each child because of preterm labor and early contractions. I expected that with this one but for some reason was heart broken when the contractions started and bed rest was prescribed at week 21. On top of being on bed rest, following a strict diet was the fun part of dealing with gestational diabetes...hear the sarcasm?

During all of these issues, my little guy was just as happy, healthy, and was active as he could be. I was so grateful for that piece of the pregnancy because I don't think I could have dealt with him having complications on top of my body completely rejecting the idea of being pregnant.

I had been on the 17P shot (read more about that in the irritable uterus blog above) until week 34 and was told by the doctor that if I went into labor at week 35, he would let me go into labor. Week 35 came and on day 4 I woke up with a headache and a back ache. I went downstairs to wash dishes and make breakfast for my family, and contractions kicked in around 10:30 AM. I went about my day as normal and it included going out to dinner with my in laws. By the end of dinner I was struggling to walk and talk through these contractions so my husband and I went to the ER. Contractions were definitely noted on the machines and a call was put into the on call doctor. He ordered a shot of terbutaline to stop the contractions and send me on my way home. The contractions did stop, which meant it was not true labor. I was frustrated because I was in so much pain from the contractions and was told by the doctor they would deliver at 35 weeks if I went into labor.

This is where things got confusing for me. In my previous pregnancies, I never dialated beyond a 2 despite 38 hours of induced labor after my water broke in my first pregnancy. I was known as having a "cervix of steel" by the doctors where contractions do not make changes to the cervix either because the baby is too big, the pelvis is too small, or for other reasons that I do not know. With my second pregnancy, I again contracted throughout the whole pregnancy, was put on terbutaline and at 37 weeks taken off of it. After my 37 week checkup, I ended up having my daughter 4 hours later because the contractions created a pattern and my doctor didn't want me to contract much because I had gotten pregnant with her 5 months after having my son. With her I dilated to a 1.

At week 37, three days with this pregnancy, the contractions started to intensify again and they were uncomfortable. These guys woke me up at 12:30 AM I labored all through the night. My blood sugar dropped and I couldn't sleep they were so painful. Because of what happened at week 35, I had a feeling my doctor wasn't going to deliver this time either; hence why I waited to go to the hospital. My husband took the kids to school, came home, and took me to the hospital. This time, they gave me the terbutaline and the contractions didn't stop, BUT they were not making any changes to the cervix. My doctor came in to the room to talk to me and said he wanted to wait as long as he could to deliver our little guy so his lungs could mature because of one of the side effects of having gestational diabetes is infants having under developed respiratory systems. I found out also that the hospital doesn't like to deliver until 38 or 39 weeks which was new to me...the hospitals are now incorporating rules for the doctors to follow. That to me is completely ridiculous and another story for a different day. I was beyond frustrated with the whole thing but didn't have a lot of fight in me so I told him that was fine but he was going to have to make me comfortable. I couldn't sleep; so he gave me Ambien and I gladly took it at night because the contractions were that bad.

Each week, closer to the date we were scheduled for a c-section , the contractions intensified and I would have more of them but could never get a pattern on them. On the day of the scheduled c-section, May 11th, I woke up so very excited. Each hour was moving SOOOO slowly. One of the aggravating parts of this was not being able to eat eight hours prior to the c-section. My last meal was at 8 AM and it was a very substantial breakfast; three eggs, a bowl of oatmeal, a cup of veggies, a cup of berries, a cup of coffee and a glass of milk. It was aggravating because I knew as I got closer to the the surgery time I was going to get crabby because my blood sugar would get low. I was scheduled to check in at 1:30 PM at the hospital and about 12:00 pm I started getting irritated and disoriented so I called the doctor's office. They told me to go in as soon as possible so they could take care of the sugar issue.

My husband at the time got a request from a friend of ours to make a pit stop prior to going to the hospital but yeah, that wasn't happening. He had asked me prior to the blood sugar getting low if it was cool to make a stop and I was completely OK with it. Anyone who has dealt with diabetes knows, once a person gets disoriented and irritated, it's not good. So, he was dealing with making arrangements for this person to get what they needed on the phone, I was texting the person after he got off the phone so the man wasn't driving and texting and trying to notify everyone else important to us that we were headed to the hospital.

We go to the hospital, got checked in and oh yeah, I forgot to mention, the contractions had intensified again, to the point, that it was finally safe to say I was in labor. The nurse almost gave me meds to stop contractions, that's how frequently they were coming, every three minutes. Talk about perfect timing. I go through the rounds of blood work and wait for another hour before we go into the OR to have our little guy. My husband and I were joking around, taking pictures of us in our funny looking hats and lovely hospital attire. I get into the OR and they routinely ask Jeff to hang out while they do the spinal tap. I couldn't wait for the spinal tap because it finally meant I didn't have to feel these horrible contractions anymore! The spinal tap goes in beautifully and I have a few issues that come up that need to be taken care of before my husband could come in. My husband comes in and we get started. The doctors are chatting away while they are doing what they need to do with me. I feel some tugging, some pulling, and finally that beautiful sound we had worked so hard for during the last nine months, a nice big healthy cry. As soon as I hear that cry, I start crying, Jeff tears up and he rushes away to help cut the cord and make sure our littlest man is ok. I'm yelling across the OR asking questions and having a conversation with my husband and the doctor's chatter I no longer hear. I had toned it out and could only hear my little guy's cry and my husband. My husband brings that little bundle of joy over and I get my first look; I've thought all babies were beautiful when I see them but this little man was absolutely gorgeous. We cuddled, talked, and kissed him as much as we could and then Jeff whisked him off into the nursery so he could be taken care of. Thankfully he was healthy with no issues. One of the things I was concerned about being diabetic was his blood sugar levels and he was absolutely golden.

Surgery continued for me and I was so very anxious; time was moving so slowly. I was having my tubes tied and also had to spend some time in recovery before I could see my son. Thankfully, while in recovery, I had a nurse that ended up moving me prior till I was ready to be moved to a room. I couldn't move my legs yet but she didn't want me to spend three hours in recovery while the nurses did shift change. Normal recovery time is two hours. At an hour and a half I still could not lift my legs which is what needed to happen to move to a normal room. When I get up to the room, I still have to wait the hour for shift change to see my little man because of the shift change in the nursery. I gave birth to him at 4:13 PM and didn't see him until 8 PM. That was a long time for me. I didn't rest much that night with all the guests, having to walk, go to the bath room and on top of it my little guy decided to feed every hour. He really wanted to get this feeding thing started. I was ok with it; I just kept up on the pain medication.

Prior to his birth, I wasn't really looking forward to breastfeeding. I had breastfed with my other two and had always wanted to "do the right thing" with my kids. This, being the third was a little different. I had done the "mom" thing and had moved on to looking at my career and getting that on track so I was hoping to get back to what I considered normal, exercising, working, and getting back in the swing of things. Yeah, as soon as I held our little guy, some of those old feelings came back and knew I'd breastfeed him for as long as I could.

I left the hospital on Sunday, two days after birth because I wasn't getting much rest at the hospital. I wasn't feeling all that great. I had done all the necessary things to get discharged, walked a few laps around the hospital, I was getting up on my on and going to the rest room, gotten my staples removed from my incision and our little guy was doing fantastic. The only thing that remained was deciding what our little guy's middle name was going to be. We struggled so much with this. We both liked the two names we came up with and had a hard time deciding which middle name to use. I liked one more than the other but my husband loved them both. I left the decision up to him because I felt I had gotten my wish. I had always wanted a son named Michael and we were set on his first name being Michael. I put the pressure on my husband when I told him I was getting discharged that day and he had to make a decision. So, we chose both names.

Recovery at home has been slow. I expected to be back on my feet and doing normal activities around two weeks because that's what happened with the last two c-sections. This recovery has taken longer. I'm in week four and I'm still cramping, bleeding, have bouts of pain in my stomach to the point that I need to rest. I'll put myself at about 60% recovered. I've developed mastitis and a yeast infection in my breasts while breast feeding, both conditions painful and a nuisance to deal with. The mastitis is an infection of the breasts where clogged ducts become infected. The symptoms included flu like symptoms, fever, and your breasts are painful. They have lumps that feel like rocks and can be very sore and warm to the touch. I had it on both sides and was treated with antibiotics. I pumped and nursed like a mad woman to clear the ducts and after four days felt better. After that incident, I started experiencing burning within my breasts and a very painful let down. My nipples also itched, and felt like glass was sticking into them when my son latched on for feeding. We tried a few topical treatments and ultimately resorted to using Diflucan for treatment. This medication depleted my milk supply for a day so my son was attached to me every hour that day trying to feed. You'd think with all this, I'd give up the breastfeeding and my husband has even said "Babe, switch to formula." He didn't like I was having such a hard time with this and all these infections were delaying my recovery. I'm not ready to give up yet; I feel strongly about breastfeeding and am one of those that is determined to go through every single avenue before giving up SO, I'm still going strong with the breastfeeding.

Gone is the expectations I had of going back to my normal life and being able to work, exercise and do what I wanted to do in the time frame I want to get it done. That has been replaced with the acceptance that it's going to take time to heal, to get back to the swing of things and most of all enjoy our littlest man. He has been a complete joy to have in our family and we're all super excited to love him and watch him grow.

Michael Ryan Keith Longie

Daddy and son

Sissy and little Mike as she says

Our oldest son and our youngest son :)

Tired but very happy

Living with Gestational Diabetes

2012-05-30T15:38:00.000-07:00

This was my third pregnancy, my final pregnancy, and my toughest one. I expected the preterm labor issues of dealing with an irritable uterus. That entails dealing with minor and then major contractions, visits to the hospital, bed rest (almost impossible to do without a guilty conscious as a mother of two) and medication with wonderful side effects to ensure our little man made it to full term. That is nerve racking enough!

Around week 24, I went to the VA Medical Center here in Phoenix to attend a breast feeding class. Completing this class meant I left with a brand new breast pump and FOUR baskets full of items for our little guy, his big brother and sister, and for myself. The past couple of days leading to this class, I felt like something wasn't right. I was getting irritable, REALLY irritable for myself, I would shake and have this need to get food, mostly sweets to calm the shakes. After I ate something I'd get a headache and get so thirsty. I was meeting and surpassing my daily intake of water by the morning. Every couple of hours I'd go through this cycle and I kept telling my husband "Something is wrong with me. I don't know what it is but something is not right."

This same morning I had a doctor's appointment and I told the nurse what was going on but they chalked it up to be normal pregnancy symptoms. I told her several times, I'd never felt like this before. They checked my blood sugar, blood pressure and everything was normal. Mind you, I had just eaten prior to waling into that doctor's office because I was symptomatic. Anyways, so I'm in the breastfeeding class and I started feeling symptomatic again. I told the nurse that was in the class because I had a 2 year relationship with her. She knew me well and even stopped the class to ask how I was because she saw I wasn't quite right. I told her I didn't feel right and explained to her my symptoms. She took me back to a room and monitored my blood pressure. She took it laying down, and then sitting up. When I sat up, I passed out. When I came to, she gave me juice and crackers. Now prior to this, I had eaten breakfast and it was coming up on noon. I hadn't had anything to eat since. She let me be for a bout ten minutes and checked my blood sugar and it was in normal range. She couldn't find anything wrong with me. Because I was pregnant, passed out and was symptomatic, she sent me to the ER. I sat for four hours and while I was waiting my husband brought me dinner. They again couldn't find anything wrong with me.

After this incident at the hospital I started paying attention to my body and doing my own research because obviously the medical doctors weren't finding anything. I noticed that I didn't feel good if I waited too long to eat and if I ate like crap. My doctor did schedule a 3 hour glucose because I failed the one hour glucose test. It read 163. Normal readings range from 70-129. It wasn't scheduled for another week, so during this time, I kept food on me all the time, ate well and noticed anything sweet and full of sugar made me feel awful. I went in for the three hour glucose test and that was a horrible experience.

This pregnancy was full of painful experiences and I truly feel like the lesson learned here was to gain even more patience and to learn to be cordial even through bouts of pain. These experiences definitely gave me plenty of times to practice this lesson. The three hour test basically was a very simple process. A patient shows up to the lab at a specific time, drinks a bottle of glucose, and each hour for three hours, gets blood drawn. The patient can not eat or drink eight hours prior to the test. By the time I got there, I was starving, so I was looking forward to the glucose drink. I was already a little symptomatic, so I downed it knowing full and well I was going to feel horrible. At about 45 minutes, the pounding headache kicked in, the confusion and the blurry vision. Two hours rolled by and I was still feeling symptomatic and tired. The third hour hit and I I started feeling ok. I failed the test miserably. The first hour my blood sugar levels were in the 200 range. The second hour was at 183 and the third hour was 162. Confirmed I had gestational diabetes.

So what is it? What does it mean? The American Diabetes Association describes gestational diabetes as being a condition where the mother's body is not able to make and use all the insulin she needs for pregnancy. Without the insulin, glucose can not leave the blood and be changed into energy, thus leaving glucose in the body creating high level blood sugar readings. It's believed that the placenta may to blame for gestational diabetes. Hormones from the placenta help the baby grow and develop but also the hormones block the mother's ability to allow insulin into her body.

Most women who develop gestational diabetes may be overweight, may have diabetes history in her family, may be part of a specific ethnic group, given birth to large babies previously, or have too much amniotic fluid. The only factor that fit me is the diabetes in my family. I have it on both sides with my father, most of his family and my mother's side. Her mother has it.

I was so symptomatic and so nervous about it that I went out and got my own blood sugar machine and started keeping track of my readings. Most people who are diabetic or deal with gestational diabetes have to follow a strict diet along with taking insulin or other medications that tell the pancreas to create insulin, like Glyburide.They also have to eat every few hours to sustain their blood sugar levels; hence why I was getting symptomatic at the VA hospital. I figured out through controlling my diet before even going back to the doctor, anything processed, or that was a grain, like bread, cereals, pasta, regardless of whether it was whole grain or not, would increase my blood sugar levels. So what I did was put myself on a Paleo diet (all meats, vegetables, fruits, nuts, and healthy fats). When I went back to the doctor and told him what I was doing, he wasn't happy that I was depriving my little guy of breads and dairy so he prescribed Glyburide and because of the way the medication works, I took it once in the morning. It is a slow release medication and to be honest, I could have stayed off of it and followed the Paleo diet, I believe and been more healthy. I have my husband's taste buds during pregnancy and they did not fit the Paleo diet. I wanted everything that was bad for me, so I took the Glyburide and used it as my cructch to have the pasta and pizza sometimes. Even on the medication I still had to watch my diet. I switched to diet soda if I drank it, cut out pizza, pasta, anything with grains in it that wasn't whole grain. I mainly stuck to protein, non-starchy vegetables, light fruit options, and no processed foods. It was very difficult to do and required a lot more work. The American diet is not built for diabetics at all.

Being diabetic, I had to go to the doctor twice a week to check on our little guy. We had to look at the placenta to ensure it was working the way that it should, check his size to ensure he wasn't getting too big and also make sure he was breathing the way he should. Going to the doctor twice a week I learned where and how big my placenta was, how to check for my little guy's breathing and noticed he was doing fantastic as far as size. All of this was because I was strict with my diet and my medication. I also didn't gain much weight because of the diet. I gained right at 20 lbs with this pregnancy which is something I didn't do with my first two. I was one that loved to eat while pregnant. Not this go round!

At week 35, I went into labor and I knew I went into labor because my blood sugar dropped and I could eat whatever I wanted without medication and without regulating my sugar. I didn't realize it until one morning after eating breakfast and taking my meds that my blood sugar dropped to 63. I was contracting quite a bit and the contractions had gotten more intense but I didn't really think about it because of the irritable uterus condition. Having an irritable uterus and a cervix of steel (as my doc says) I knew my contractions weren't making any progress. With my first born son I labored after my water was broken for 38 hours with no epidural and dilated to a two. With my second I contracted all through my pregnancy and dilated to a 1. I went to the hospital because the contractions were so strong I was trembling, nauseous, and struggling to get through the pain. I got to the hospital and, like I thought, I was only dilated to a 1. The doctors gave me a shot of terbutaline and home I went. This time that shot stopped labor contractions...for four hours. It happened again at 37 weeks and 4 days. That time it slowed the contractions but didn't' stop. The doctor told me he wanted to keep my little guy in so that his lungs could develop as much as possible and I was going to have to deal with these contractions. THAT WAS PURE HELL but another story for another post.

This brings up the side effects of dealing with gestational diabetes and the side effects it can have on the baby. Uncontrolled diabetes can lead to the baby's respiratory system not fully developing, a baby being large, a baby having diabetes at birth or having low blood sugar issues at birth, and other major complications.

At this point, my blood sugar levels were just the opposite; they spiked significantly. I had to increase my medication to taking it twice a day and had to be even stricter with my diet. I was OK with that because during this period I was MISERABLE. The contractions were SO difficult to deal with. As much as I wanted to, I could not get a pattern on them and knew in my heart I wasn't because of that damn cervix of steel. I ended up making it to my scheduled date of 39 weeks and had a healthy baby boy. He was 7 lbs 4 oz and did not have any blood sugar issues. I also do not have any blood sugar issues, thank goodness, and had a list of foods I wanted to eat. The first one was a coke...a real one and my best friend was such a sweet heart, she brought me Krispy Kreme donuts that I had been craving and a bag of Dove chocolate, my favorite.

It's amazing what our bodies go through during pregnancy and even more so, proof of what willpower we humans hold. I'd gladly go through the experience again, if it meant my little guy comes out as healthy as he did. I wouldn't change my experience for anything. I've gained knowledge of how diabetics live and the struggle they have on a daily basis to sustain. I've also been reminded of what willpower is and how important healthy food is for our bodies. Thankfully, I'm losing my husband's taste buds and starting to crave those fresh veggies again and hopefully can stifle off diabetes in the future.

Dealing With An Irritable Uterus

2012-03-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

Every woman has their blissful moments during pregnancy and those moments that are not so blissful. I know a few people who felt fantastic throughout all of their pregnancies and SO wish I was one of those....for the sake of myself, my husband, and my children, in utero and not.

I've been dealing with an irritable uterus since I started having children and I'm on number three...the last one. I also have other pregnancy issues, but will address each one in their own respective blogs. So what is it? What do women who have this condition go through and how do the doctors and the women themselves treat it? My first thought is to listen to your own body and do what you think is best. The doctors are there for guidance when you don't necessarily know something but just like you they're playing a guessing game because they don't live in your body.

Basically irritable uterus is defined as your uterus contracting in a disorganized fashion without making any changes to the cervix. Most times, the contractions are constant and consistent, happening every three to five minutes. Sometimes these contractions can be painful if you have been active for some extended amount of time. The key here is they do not make any changes to the cervix.

It can feel like a very strong tightening of the fist or sometimes it may just be in certain parts of your uterus and can be felt in the lower parts of your belly and not so strong. Even further, it may feel like a low level pain in your back. What I've noticed with the irritable uterus is that if I stay active, the contractions increase and become more uncomfortable.

Some of the things that cause the symptoms to increase are wearing tight pants, having a full bladder, being active (walking, standing, exercising, lifting), having an orgasm, dehydration, stress, and constipation.

So what to you do about these symptoms?

What's best for your baby and for you? Going through this three times with three different doctors, each doctor has their own modality of treating it. Again, remember to do what's best for you and listen to your body.

Some doctors prescribe bed rest for the pregnancy and medication to decrease the uterine irritability. There are several levels of bed rest. Strict bed rest is where a woman must stay in bed all day long and only get up to go to the bathroom, take a shower, make a sandwich and then get back in bed. Moderate bed rest is where a woman needs to lay in bed and rest for at least 4-6 hours out of the day. Pelvic rest is something else irritable uterus sufferers are often prescribed which is no sex and no masturbation to cause the contractions to start up.

The medication that is often prescribed nowadays is the17P shots , Nifedipine (Procardia) and Magnesium Sulfate. These medications are used to calm the uterus down so the woman is not so uncomfortable with the contractions.

So when do you go to the hospital?

When your water breaks prior to 37 weeks.

If the contractions intensify or you can't get them to stop. Normally when they start up, doctors will advise you to lay down for two hours on your left side and drink some water (around 2 8 oz glasses). If they do not slow down or you are having more than 4-6 an hour, it's a good time to go to the hospital. Don't second guess this! Because of the irritability, it's quite common people with irritable uterus can go into preterm labor.

Actually, once women are taking off of all medication and bed rest at 37 weeks, they often have their babies within 24 hours of the going "cold turkey".

Here's my story surrounding it in hopes to alleviate some stress for women that experience this.

Pregnancy Number One

During my pregnancy with Zachery, I started contracting consistently at 5 months. No matter what I did, I could not get the contractions to stop and I was pretty uncomfortable. The doctor placed me on strict bed rest with no medication. I remember the contractions not being very uncomfortable at all unless I did something like clean the house (it was a three story house) or walk around for a 15 or 20 minutes. The bed rest was an issue for me. I was always an active person and spending four months in bed or on the couch was not ideal. I was the main bread winner of our family and had to quit my job. I remember cooking and cleaning anyway because to me at the time it was ridiculous that I was home all day with my husband out working and me sitting at home doing NOTHING. I didn't quite get the concept of what was really going on with my irritable uterus. I made it full term with Zachery, with no cervical changes throughout the pregnancy. My water broke with him at 4am on his due date and off we went. I still ended up having a c-section because I labored for 38 hours (without an epidural) an my cervix opened to a 2. The risk of infection was too high because of my water breaking and out Zachery came.

Pregnancy Number Two

Jessica came five months after having Zachery by accident (yeah, breast feeding is not a form of birth control). Jessica was an emotional baby in utero and my emotions played a lot on how my uterus reacted with this pregnancy. Stress is something that is extremely important to control during pregnancy with women who have an irritable uterus. It can put you into labor. I learned that quickly with Jessica. I again started contracting consistently at 5 months. My doctor did not put me on bed rest with her. She prescribed terbutaline (a medication I hope I never have to take again). It's like giving a woman a crazy pill, seriously. The side effects were irritability, shakiness, fast heart beat, and anxiety. The terbutaline did calm down the contractions quite a bit and there were only two trips to the hospital with preterm labor scares. Low and behold, my cervix stayed long and closed. Because she came so soon after I had my first son, my body was not happy. I basically would rest quite a bit because I was so uncomfortable with the contractions. They felt harder and would come more often. I think it's because I had another baby so soon after the birth of my son. Although the doctor didn't prescribe bed rest for me, I self imposed bed rest because it made me feel better. It was the only thing that helped with that pregnancy. Now mind you, I had a toddler running around that I had to take care of so I wasn't able to sit down when I wanted to but I would play a lot with Zach inside and taught him how to crawl up in the car on his own so I didn't lift him. With Jessica, I went in for my 37 week check up at 2:00 pm, my doctor checked my cervix, took me off of medication and told me she could come at any time. I ended up having Jessica four hours later at 6:23 pm. As soon as the medication stopped, my body went into labor. The medication had kept off the labor for a while and I seriously feel that without it, I would have had her early.

Pregnancy Number 3

I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant with my last son and have had a slew of problems with this pregnancy. Along with the irritable uterus, I've also had two preterm labor scares and was diagnosed with gestational diabetes around 24 weeks. Contractions with this pregnancy started at 5 months pregnant too but was accompanied with nausea, back pain, lots of pelvic pressure, menstrual like cramping, and diarrhea. I feel like the reason being is because my son is breech, with his head facing inward. The contractions with this pregnancy are in the back, so it feels like back labor and unfortunately these are MUCH more painful than the normal uterine contractions. It feels like a rubber band tightening around your back, sometimes taking your breath away.

My doctor placed me on strict bed rest at 20 weeks and nifedipine twice a day. The nifedipine slowed the contractions down some but not much, even on bed rest, I was still contracting quite a bit. It was very irritating at first. If I got up, walked around, I would contract. If I had to go to the restroom, I would get extremely uncomfortable. I would get nauseous, contractions would start up and I would get menstrual like cramps on both sides of my abdomen. Keeping my bladder empty was extremely important. Also, stress really affected my uterus during this pregnancy. I had a few stressful situations come up and one of them put me into preterm labor where the contractions started to change the cervix. The doctor was able to start the 17P shots with me at 22 weeks and instantly things started to calm down, calm down so much that at 29 weeks the doctor took me off of bed rest and told me to take it easy. I still continued to take the nifedipine as needed. For me, it's important that I take it at least twice a day. It keeps things calm. There are days though that I take it up to four times a day.

I'm also not up and running around like a normal pregnant woman. It's literally a day by day thing. Last week was a very good week. I was able to get up, get out of the house, do some grocery shopping, see some family, and be social without any major discomfort. It took me three days to clean my house because I would do something for about an hour and then have to go rest for an hour. When contractions would start up, I'd go home and lay down for a few hours, with a few glasses of water and I was fine. I could get the contractions to slow down and even stop.

This week has been a very rough week. I've had two stressful situations come up this week and one of the side effects of the 17P shots along with this point in pregnancy is being emotional. Combine stress and those side effects and I was an emotional MESS. The contractions started up Tuesday and have continued through Thursday evening. I was able to calm myself down, however, my body was not calm. I've had to lay in bed for three days because the contractions are really uncomfortable. I noticed that as my son gets bigger, the contractions get more and more uncomfortable to deal with. These contractions honestly feel like labor pains but I treat them as normal contractions, per my doctor. Remember, each woman is different. Each pregnancy is different. For this pregnancy, normal contractions for me include very difficult contractions accompanied with nausea, diarrhea, and low back pain because of the way my baby is positioned and because it's my third pregnancy. My body is not happy.

I'm hoping to make it to week 37 with this baby boy and am doing the best I feel possible for my body. I listen to it. When I start contracting I sit or lay down until the contractions stop. I've also had to take some family members and friends out of my life for a minute because of the stress that comes with having a relationship with them because stress affects my body. Some view that as selfish, I view it as taking care of me and my son. Because this condition is coupled with the gestational diabetes, there is an even higher risk of delivering my son early, so I have to make sure and watch my diet and drink lots of water. Us with irritable uterus have a disadvantage because dehydration can start the contractions but so can a full bladder. So, remember to drink your water but know where the bathrooms are in the places you go. I've made other adjustments too because of this irritable uterus. When I go to the store, I ride around in one of those motorized scooters because the walking around starts contractions.

Bottom line, listen to your body. Rest when you need to and find happiness in the condition.

I hope this has given you some insight to the wonderful condition we share and one that my husband has coined as "angry beaver" syndrome. Please feel free to share your story and ask questions. Cheers!

My Fantasy World

2012-03-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

Ever have that place that you escape to, where reality is no where to be seen and you can live exactly the way that you choose? What does that look like for you?

I have a vivid imagination and am can easily be labeled too much of a dreamer. Sometimes it's an annoyance; it causes unhappiness with the "normal" societal life and the pursuance of things that require lots of money. If I can get the money thing figured out and couple it with moral responsibility I'd be set.

There are times that I float into the world of Downton Abbey...have you seen this show yet? This is a show that is set in the early 1900s and tells the stories of the lives of an aristocratic family and their servants during the King George V reign. To me it's riveting, thought provoking and an absolute escape for me. I would love to live in the 1900s. I've always had such a fascination with the time period and how each class lived in these times. I collect things from the time period just to have those things surround me and remind me of my fantasies.

My favorite character is Lady Mary although I resemble the rebel that Lady Sybil is. I sometimes day dream about the struggles the characters go through and what I would do but also place myself in their shoes. What would it feel like to wear a corset, to be in the frame of Lady Mary, to don the lace, the pearls, and the hair that she dons along with floating through her life as her character does in the TV show.

That is the escape fantasy....the one that I wish was my reality is one that I pull things from and can be seen as very radical.

I don't see myself as married with children nor a typical career. I see myself traveling the world, kind of like what Elizabeth Gilbert did in Eat, Pray, Love. I'm not on a personal quest to find myself the way she did. I'm secure with who I am, my purpose of being here on Earth and feel what I need to do. I see myself in different parts of the world, just being present in the moment of what I am doing, where I am at and can't give any words to describe the actions I would be doing because I haven't gotten there yet. The pictures in my head show me crouching down to the children and mothers of different countries, loving, teaching, helping, crying, being with people. I have this overwhelming sense and need to reach out, to touch, to love, to help others.

I don't know why I don't see myself doing this in the United States. It may be because of my own biases against the society that the United States is; I'm not sure....I haven't pondered that thought yet.

People who believe in God often respond to a calling. They have a little voice that tells them what they should do and let that voice determine their path in life. I also have that calling, an urgency to do something beyond the choices I've made and the life that I have created thus far. It didn't start with me until my awakening last year and the urgency didn't come until a few months ago. To me it's still a fantasy but not one that can not come true. This is something I need to do, so how do I incorporate my current life, my moral responsibilities into this world I see?

I'm thankful to have the man that was made for me by my side and to be very accepting and understanding of this concept. He didn't take lightly to the idea of not being married. I guess I should expound on that. I adore my husband and want him by my side to share my life with but I don't need him. I've always been a loner, a gypsy soul, one that does well without a partner. I didn't figure that out until I began to love myself that I realistically don't need the husband and the 2.5 kids that society teaches us to have. I don't want to burden my husband with my overwhelming need to do something that is considered radical and crazy. I see him sometimes confined also by moral responsibility that he has chosen, that WE have chosen together and wish him the same freedom I want because I see the HUMAN in him. He longs for freedom, he longs to be in a different place, doing a different thing that what he is doing but like me adores me and our children. We both struggle with how to incorporate our desires into the moral responsibility of raising children and caring for each other.

I feel like we are designed to love all types of people, male or female and the connections that happen between two people, despite the sex, are there. I feel that people use their moral compass to shut out others and the connections they feel for the sake of their marriage, the comfort of having that one person be there with them and to also be approved by others that believe the same thing. I think that concept goes against what we are designed to do or at least what I am designed to do.

I remember a time when I would get jealous of the women my husband would talk to or flirt with or even describe to others. Now, I shake my head at the idea of that jealousy. It was my own insecurities that brought on that jealousy because I felt I wasn't adequate enough or had that overwhelming fear of being alone. My husband has always been a support beam, always been a loving, caring soul with a hint of smart ass in there somewhere. I didn't give him the credit of being there through some of the times I've put him through with my own stupidity and until I saw him for who he is, not as a husband, a father, but as a person, I realized he has been the most loyal person to me that I've ever known.

As far as my children, what do I do, ditch them with dad while mom goes off on this journey? No. HELL NO! My moral responsibility to my children is what keeps me where I am at. I love being a mother and teaching my children about the world. If I had my way I would take them with me, let them experience the same thing I do, teach them through a homeschooling avenue, let them go to school in different countries, experience different cultures, and of course be there as their mother when the falls and the triumphs come along.

All of this would require a great deal of money to make it a reality, money I do not have. The support and the acceptance of society, my peers, my family and my friends is not something I need but for my husband and children's sake, it's important. If I didn't have the responsibility I have, I'd be gone in a heartbeat.

So what to do? Right now, I escape into my fantasy world because I can't really do anything about it. I do pull from the ideas of it and have some plans up my sleeves. The first logical step seems to share the idea...why? To share with others it's OK to have radical, wild dreams. It's also important to pull from those dreams and put a few of the ideas into your own reality. My first step into making this a reality was to change my profession....from IT guru to counselor, teacher, helper. The second step....to take care of that money issue. That idea is one that I have to keep up my sleeve for a little while because I don't like to jump the gun and share my plans. I've learned that regardless of my plans, life has plans for me and I have to wait to see where life takes me.

My two Saras - Part II

2012-01-19T14:03:00.000-08:00

Ever find that friend that you think about every day no matter where they are geographically or in their life? I have several of those and two of those girls happen to share the same name. I think about each of them every day for different reasons. If you haven't red Part I, you can find it here.

A Beautiful Sunflower

I had briefly met Sara a few times at different events of a mom's group that I was a part of before my life got hectic and crazy with work and school, but there was one particular day that I remember seeing her and thinking, "Man, I really want to hang out with her!" Whenever I get those nagging feelings like that, I normally listen to them and follow through with them because I view them as opportunities for lessons and boy was I in for a surprise.

We met at the park for our first meeting and just talked about whatever topics came up, letting our kids play in the sun. She struck me as absolutely beautiful...you know one of those girls that just glows when you see them. She is a mom of three girls, married to a guy she is completely committed to and loves to talk. She has a thirst for life that is contagious and a presence you constantly want to be around. She has so much to share with the world and I'm one of those that can sit and listen to her chatter all day long. She brings this comfort and glow to all conversations and when looking at her, like I said, she just oozes happiness. There are periods when she's not so happy but she looks at the positive in EVERY episode.

She's on her own journey of life dealing with what is thrown her way and she has had some curve balls She also has a gift of being a natural born teacher. This is where I benefited from her presence. After meeting Sara for the first time we ended up getting a few girls together on a regular basis, some that I so dearly miss right now and letting our kids play while we ate, drank, and talked about whatever came up. One of those mornings, I came having had just gotten in contact with my mom after not seeing her for 25 years, a story I still need to write. I came to the group with this pure and utter joy that I had never felt before and described the experience to my friends including this feeling of complete happiness and joy. When I shared what was going on with Sara, she started talking to me a little about what she had learned through her experience and questioning of life.

She told me something like this "That feeling that you feel, that utter joy and want to share it with everybody, that's LOVE, Amanda. And that type of LOVE is what God is." With my past experiences, I've had some trouble with God and religion and at this time was still in a searching stage as far as figuring out what God was to me. Everything for me in that moment, clicked. I walked away from that conversation completely a changed person. With my mom finding me, I felt complete. I knew where I had come from and that hole that made me feel so empty had been fulfilled. It wasn't my mom and the sense of "needing" a mother that fulfilled the hole , it was the feeling of what came with that experience. That feeling of love is something I had never felt before and through Sara and my own experiences, I learned how to give that love to myself. I now understood what people felt when they had their spiritual awakenings or had accepted God into their lives.

Over the course of several months, Sara and I would talk about what the definition of God meant to us, our purpose of life, the characteristics of humans and how to live in peace. She taught me so many lessons about life, how to embrace emotion and ride the wave of the emotion rather than resisting it was an important one. I wanted to be around her all the time. We would text or talk every single day each of us wondering how the other was doing, both of us learning from our conversations with each other.

Sara ended up having to leave Arizona to be in her own environment back in Massachusetts, where she feels at peace and I was very sad to see her go but so very happy for her because she was going to a place that had what she needed. The desert and the blandness of it was not for her. The forest, the green, the change of seasons, being in nature is her "home". I miss her dearly, our talks, the lessons, and OMG, her food. That girl can COOK! We still continue to share as much as we can with each other. Life has put us on pause as for as our relationship goes, but it's not scary and I know she is not one that I will ever lose in the paths of life.

How We Are All Connected

I know this because in her most important lesson of all she showed me. She taught me that we are all interconnected, through each other, through the earth, the animals and everything that exists. There's no need to make it to society's step ladder of celebrities to try and make a difference in the world; just being, existing, and living in a positive manner with the "love" that we hold is all that we need to do to make a change in the world.

After learning this lesson, I let go of my dreams of becoming famous and wanting to write that best selling novel or become the world renowned therapist. I also saw something that was happening that I wasn't even aware of until I the idea to write about my two Saras came in my head. While Sara ( the beautiful sunflower) was living her life and sharing her own experiences she made an impact on me and because of her lessons I changed my life and could not be more at peace. I shared these changes and these lessons with Sara (the queens of awkward situations) and I am watching her change her life through those lessons. The queen of awkward situations will share her experiences with another person and they will change their lives because of it and THAT is how change happens.

It's almost like a little secret. When you learn what unconditional love is and can apply it to yourself and your life, you see life in a different light. You see people in a different light and can pin point others that have it. It's a gut feeling, an instinct. Not everyone wants to hear what you have to say about it. In the year that I've gained this knowledge I've only shared it with one other person besides the other Sara and I don't know if there will be another person. I just live the roller coaster of life, constantly learning, changing and sharing my own experiences in hopes that they will help others.

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to a new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." -Flavia Weedn

This is my favorite picture of her. It's one that I took
in our neighborhood park one day where I thought
she looked absolutely beautiful.

My two Saras - Part I

2012-01-18T18:45:00.000-08:00

Ever find that friend that you think about every day no matter where they are geographically or in their life? I have several of those and two of those girls happen to share the same name. I think about each of them every day for different reasons. One of them walked into my life unexpectedly, for a short amount of time and needed to leave for her own reasons and the other I sought out myself expecting just to have a few questions answered and landed with a friendship that is very precious to me despite it's odd circumstances. Here are their stories...

The Queens of Awkward Situations

One night my husband and I were walking along in Home Depot after we had been together for about two years and we hadn't had the talk about the exes in our lives yet. I don't remember why I decided to ask him in Home Depot of all places about his ex, he or I could have said something that reminded him of her and he decided to share the story with me. This happens quite a bit in our marriage, we're not shy about sharing stories with each other even if it regards our exes because we're secure with our relationship and understand that our exes helped to shape our lives. So, I'm doing the wife thing and asking him tons of questions about Sara. I even think I got upset at him for saying something about her that I thought was wrong. He did the typical guy thing and got irritated that I was playing the 20 question game with him and said "Why don't you send her an email or something if you want. She'll answer your questions."

So I did. I sent her an email explaining to her who I was, gave her some background, and I think I asked her some questions about their relationship or about herself. The answers I was getting from Jeff just gave me this nagging feeling that her and I were a lot alike and I really wanted to know more. She of course was SHOCKED to hear from me, of all people, but was very candid with her response. We started out sharing our personal stories about our own lives and of course we talked about Jeff, how she saw him, how he behaved in their relationship, how he hurt her and loved her. Many people think, how can you absorb this and not feel jealousy or dislike for this person? I know there were times I did get jealous of their relationship pieces, however, they ended up being things that I needed to look at myself and address as insecurities. Luckily, we both came to realize that we are two girls who have had our own experience with the same guy and didn't let the jealousy get in the way of our own friendship.

Over the years, we built our friendship through words..."novels" as we call them. We write 10 to 20 page novels to each other sharing our lives with each other, sharing our childhoods, our love lives, our marriages, our woman moments, and of course the light of our lives, our children. Each of us learning a lesson through our stories. Sara is definitely a lot better at getting back to me than I am and my goal is to make sure I get a novel to her every month but I hear the girl can type RIDICULOUSLY fast, and if she's pissed...LOL. For me, hearing Sara's stories were like looking into a mirror and hearing myself talk. I could relate to her and understood exactly how she felt about things and why she did things because, well, I'd do them the same way. Over the years, if I have an issue, she's one of the first people I think about when wanting to share my problems because we are so much a like and we have always been very frank and honest in our conversations. We've had to be to continue our friendship. If we had let our emotions get in the way of our friendship, I don't think it would have lasted.

We've had the chance to meet each other, twice now. Yes, Jeff was there and what's even funnier is that the love of her life ended up being a friend of Jeff's and also one of Jeff's mom's employees. The first meeting was a lot awkward and the second meeting was not bad at all. Her and I were ok, but the guys had some issues they had to sort out. Of course it's awkward to see your ex after 10 years so there was that element and then the friend married to the friend thing that needed some priming but the boys worked through it and everything is golden at this point. She is scheduled to move out near our family in the next six months and I could not be more excited! EEEEK! We both have already told the boys that "YES! We will be hanging out...A LOT!" Hell, we do the same things...we both love to run, love to write, love to talk, love to dance, and love to just live life. The simple things to us are what it's all about with little curve balls here and there.

Our friendship is one that I cherish because it's real, it's honest, it's emotional, and by all means unique because of the circumstances. I think that people come in to our lives for certain reasons and the way Sara and I look at it, Jeff was the catalyst for the relationships her and I have gained. Through Jeff, she gained a wonderful husband and a great friend and I can definitely say that I gained the same things.

"What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies." -Aristotle

What Blissful Pregnancy?

2012-01-06T11:33:00.000-08:00

I commend all the mommies that have wonderful pregnancies and can do everything that they normally can do like work, exercise, have the house clean, and take care of the kids.

I am not one of those women. I'm one of those women that is not comfy with pregnancy and don't like it so much at all besides the eating part....the part where I can eat whatever I want to because "baby says so." Not much discipline there, oh well.

These are a list of things that will justify the crazy pregnancy bumper sticker that should go on my car...hell, maybe my forehead. Most of these things people don't see but ask my husband...he'll be glad to let you in on the "crazy".

1. I'm pretty damn dramatic when it comes to the uncomfortableness of being pregnant. I whine when I'm nauseous and try my damndest to make sure every sentence out of my mouth is not something like "OMG, my belly aches." or "What the hell, I've only been cleaning for an hour. Why do my feet hurt?" "Will someone carry me please? Do I really have to walk to the car?"

2. What is up with not seeing "your girl" after month four. That's so jacked up. The idea of grooming and being sexy in any manner is far near impossible. It's like a daily reminder that if you have sex you don't see "your girl" for five months. SERIOUSLY. Oh and there's the not seeing your feet thing. I think we're intended to literally roll at month 8....no need for feet. You can't wear shoes, especially in the heat. Mine grow and swell so flip flops are really the only option.

3. HOROMONES, GOD, LEAVE ME ALONE! As a female with crazy genes already, I do not need my body mixing it's own hormone cocktail. It's dangerous, ridiculously dangerous. I can put money on the fact I will cry because I'm too tired in one minute, laugh manically at someone getting hurt in minute number two, and lash out at my cat because he touched me in minute three. What the hell is that??? I know if there are any other women feeling like I do I'm sure you hate it just as much. I double dog dare a man to call me crazy on a day like this. It's so irritating what the hormones turn you into when you're pregnant. My husband likes to mess with me and see how many emotions he can get out of me in five minutes. I just beat him across the head and call him an asshole when he does that. Oh, did I say that out loud. That's what happens in my head...well except the asshole part.

4. Exercise....BAHAHAHAHA! For me this is not an option during pregnancy. I get winded going up the steps. Apparently my future son is sucking up all of my energy and doing daily chores is a struggle. I don't know how some women do it. As much as I don't like it, I gain about 25 to 30 pounds and puff out like the Michelin man when I'm pregnant. Yep, that's me. It's not cute at all.

5. You want me to dress business casual while I'm making a child? That's got to be a man's rule or a woman who has such traditional image issues she probably wears her makeup to bed. You're lucky if you get me out of pjs and in the shower after month four. I don't even like to stand long enough to put makeup on and do my hair. How am I supposed to get the belly over the counter to make sure I don't draw my eye makeup like some catty looking hooker? Or if I sit down, you expect me to get back up? Getting up is a chore.

So there's some of the truth....I keep most of it bottled inside for my children's sake...yeah, my husband can see the monster that's there because he contributed to making the babies. Some of it leaks out every now and then and my sweet children just ask me if I'm ok and if it's Mikey that's hurting me or making me act crazy. Yes, they say act crazy...lol.

Ok, off to attempt to clean the house in one day and then a concert tonight. I hope I can tolerate the loud music and I don't want to tell them to shut up because I'm irritable. I'm super excited so these hormones better lay low tonight.

The Ugliness of Emotional Manipulation

2012-01-04T12:03:00.000-08:00

Ever have a relationship with someone where you feel like you can't win? They always have this need to be right.

You may have a headache and they all of a sudden have a brain tumor?

I'm talking about all kinds of relationships, marriages, friendships, parental, and child relationships are all included.

For some reason this seems to be a common theme in my life in the last few months and the ugliness of it astounds me.

Most emotional manipulators start out with a grand story to "hook" you into their life and make you feel sorry for them. You may see them as caring, sensitive and vulnerable. These people are not vulnerable, there is always going to be some type of crisis or situation they have to overcome.

They also are very unaware of their own faults and have a keen sense of other people's faults. Once you've been "hooked" into their lives, how dare you not give them what they need? The idea of them providing emotional needs for themselves is foreign and when suggested often shut down by a change in the subject or a swift move to another sob story about how someone else has victimized them in their lives.

Dealing with somebody who uses the vulnerability card as these people do is a mind blowing risk. You know if you play in to it you get nowhere and if you step out of it, the anger card comes out with no responsibility being shown for their actions at all. Sometimes the anger card can be just a manipulating move within itself, like the silent treatment.

The emotional manipulator pulls everyone they know into their stories and will lie so smoothly, you almost question whether or not it is a lie. They often deny their lies and get angry when confronted about it they will lash back with statements of "People that lie make me sick. I'd never do that." Meanwhile, they continue to badger, hurt, and pound on the vulnerable and weak that will tolerate the manipulation for the excuse of "love".

People often wonder why and how people become emotional manipulators. Most of it is because of their history, the baggage they carry from their pasts, and the baggage they bring into new relationships. Poor coping skills, poor self esteem, codependency, and survival because of abusive relationships are all factors that could play into why people become emotional manipulators. It may be all they know to do.

It's been a long time sense I've been a part of this type of relationship. Once the realization came that I was in it, even as a counselor I realized there are no quick "fixes" for these people. A lot of them do not ever see who they truly are and how they hurt people. I deal with manipulators on a daily basis because of one of my roles as a substance abuse counselor. I am aware of what they "need" to do but just like with any type of behavior, all the knowledge in the world will not change a person. They must do the work themselves. It requires a lot of awareness, self searching, and behavior change on their part.

What about yourself? Do you tolerate this type of manipulation? What if it's a parent that is the emotional manipulator and the idea of cutting off the relationship is not an option? I can not change a person. I can only change how I react and respond to the emotional manipulator. For myself, that requires looking inward and asking myself "How do I get involved in this type of relationship?" "Where are the boundaries?" Usually that brings up some unresolved guilt and shame that I have along with the element of fear....one that emotional manipulators prey on the most and will throw back at you as you try to address the issue with them in a rational manner.

It's best to set the boundaries when you recognize you're in a relationship with an emotional manipulator.

Shut the person down when you know their lying.

Call them out on what they may be denying.

Get off the phone or change the subject when you notice the manipulation starting.

Most of all take care of yourself, be true to yourself, and know that sometimes loving yourself means doing the hard things and making some changes. The uncomfortableness that may come with you taking steps to make these changes are growth and that is what we were born to do....evolve.

The woes of being a woman

2012-01-02T14:02:00.000-08:00

Being a woman sometimes just flat out SUCKS! Yesterday was an awesome day. At five months pregnant, I fit the mold they talk about in those pregnancy books...exuding loads of energy, glowing, and happy. I got so much accomplished yesterday, was a joy to be around, and absolutely adored every aspect of my life.

Today....YEAH, I woke up extremely exhausted, irritated at EVERYTHING, and so very EMOTIONAL. Usually, our kids on our days off of work and school will come in and cuddle with us before we get up and today, I did not want to be touched. My sweet son that normally crawls up in the bed from the bottom first irritated me to the point to where I wanted to yell "PLEASE STOP MOVING!"

I seriously contemplated staying in bed and probably should have and hid from the world but I convinced myself to get up and make breakfast and get the kids dressed for our day. I internally swallowed the upset of having to make three things for breakfast knowing full and well that I put it all on myself and normally enjoyed doing this.

Later in the morning, our daughter had done something she wasn't supposed to and my husband corrected her and I started bawling...I have no idea why I did and when he asked me what was going on, I could only stammer "I don't know. I really don't know."

The day was supposed to be a fun day of football, lounging around with the kids and taking it easy to get ready for the week ahead. The football game started and everything finally started to even out a little. I think it helped that my Gamecocks were winning the game against Nebraska, a team I despise....I may have thrown all of my evil thoughts into that game, maybe.I downed two cups of coffee, internalized my smart ass remarks and tried my best to enjoy the football game, our company and our children. I made sure to involve myself in topics of discussion that were fun and to avoid any type of emotional conversations. I would have been a complete wreck had my husband decided to have a difficult conversation or one of my children were having an emotional day. It would have taken EVERY FIBER of my being not to say something emotional and irrational today.

I lucked out! Neither of those happened and the day ended in an almost success...almost because my husband and I did get into an argument...nothing that wasn't typical. I'm assuming the emotional hormone roller coaster stemmed because I made the contents of my future son's brain today or because I was sucking all the estrogen out of him. Regardless, the woes of being a woman have allowed me to practice handling the raging, emotional hormone b*tch that is inside of me. The pregnant one makes the PMS one look like a sweet little kitten. The ones that just sit there and play and are nothing but cuddly and cute.

These are the days I long to be a guy. From what I've seen, guys just fight it out and the problem is solved...that's it, end of story! I hate having to deal with emotions especially the hard ones. I have learned that embracing them and comforting ourselves is a helluva lot easier than demanding understanding from others or expecting people to provide the comfort only we can give ourselves. When I'm like this, I just let myself know it's okay to have the emotion, ask myself why they are so prominent today and if it's just hormones, I put out that warning to my loved ones and keep reminding myself "The raging b*tch (P)amela (M)ichelle (S)ilverstine is BAAAAACK!" (Yes, my hormone b*tch has her own name and alter ego). Of course the chocolate, whining to great girlfriends, my mom, and a well trained husband help too.

A New Version of New Year's Eve

2012-01-01T10:53:00.000-08:00

Every New Year's Eve I have gone out to some bar or club and had a few drinks and celebrated with the guy on my arm at the time. For the last seven years, it's been with my husband, well except for the two years we were separated while he was in Korea.

When Jeff and I were pregnant with our first two children, we still went out and did the typical, hung out at a bar, he had a few drinks and I sat across from him desperately trying to have a good time but was envious that I couldn't have a drink.

This year, we started out doing the typical...the in laws had the kids for the night, we went to our favorite restaurant and afterwards Jeff pops out the typical question "What do you want to do now?" See, when I'm pregnant, it's such a foreign concept for him that if I make any uncomfortable sound or move, the man believes he needs to put me in bed and keep me there so nothing happens. I swear if he could, he would....so would my mom. I'm such an independent girl I'll motor through some uncomfortable painful thing to get done what needs to be done because sitting on your ass is for the dead in my book. I have slowly learned how to take care of myself but I have to put it in a calendar like it's an appointment and force myself to do it half the time. So him asking this question was him trying to do and make me as comfortable as he could.

So after he pops the question, I think to myself "What would be awesome?" In my pregnant state, this brownie the size of Mount Everest pops in my head topped with ice cream and chocolate. So out came "OOOOO, lets go get dessert!" Jeff laughs and says "Ok, my pregnant lady, lets go get dessert." So out we go into the car vehicle on our way to find some dessert. We have no idea where we're going, so we start down the road towards home and end up at Desert Ridge, an outdoor shopping mall with SO many lovely places to make any girl happy. We end up having dessert at Mimi's and what is so funny, that big ole brownie that popped into my head turned into an apple crisp, my husband's favorite, well because I'm pregnant apparently with the spitting image of my husband. I'm eating everything HE likes. I'm a pretty healthy person when it comes to meals but just the other day I ordered a salad and literally could only choke down a couple of bites before hitting the gag reflex....amazing what pregnancy does. Thank GOD for prenatal vitamins!

We make one more stop before heading home to continue our laughing and joking around that's gone on all night. That's the beauty of being married to him; I know 9 times out of 10, any time we go out we're gonna have a BALL! We hop into bed after hanging out in the kitchen for an hour telling each other funny things that popped in our heads...I'm sparing the details because they are not appropriate ;) and turn on Dick Clark's New Year's Eve Party and we both realize we miss the kids terribly.

All night the kids have popped up in our conversation; we're having a good time and know that it's been a while that we've gone out with each other but each of us had an idea of what tonight was gonna be and it included our children. I wanted to keep the kids up till midnight and light fireworks with them. Jeff would have been happy just hanging out with them and doing what he does best, turns into a kid right with them.

Next year, we're starting a new tradition...the family tradition. The idea of going out, drinking with the guy on my arm sounds fun but I've done that. I'm looking forward to celebrating with our FAMILY, all of it!

GOALS of 2012

2011-12-31T10:08:00.000-08:00

So I'm one of those people that don't ever fulfill my New Year's Resolutions. I might make one or two and just like your typical person, I do well for the first quarter of the year and then life gets to busy or I make unrealistic goals that I can never fulfill in a year.

I had the opportunity to learn a new method of creating goals in class one night and wanted to share it! This is what I plan on doing from here out until I come up with something else.

This exercise is only an excerpt of a life planning and career exercise for those that are struggling with career and life changes. The first part of it is to list one goal in each of the following areas: health, career, leisure, spirituality, and relationships. Below are mine for 2012.

HEALTH: Have our third child and begin to lose the baby weight.

CAREER: Graduate with honors with the dual Master's and obtain approval from the licensing boards to practice counseling.

LEISURE: READ A BOOK THAT IS NOT A TEXT BOOK!!!

SPIRITUALITY: Meditate 5 days out of the week.

RELATIONSHIPS: Nurture my neglected friendships.

Ok, so after you've written down the goals, pick ONE and create an action plan to make the goal happen. For myself, I need an action plan for the relationships goal. I also seriously need the social interaction that friends bring. Lately my relationships have been with text books, colleagues and family. I long for the ability to cut loose, be silly, and share life with someone my age. So here's the plan....

1. Write to my pen pal at least once a month. If I can get more in, YAY!
2. Set up play dates for my kids and the moms I know.
3. Invite a couple over once a month for dinner.
4. Do something nice for a friend once a month because the giving is what nourishs my heart.
5. Contact old friends and catch up!
6. If I sense a connection with someone new, reach out to them.

I'm sure I'll come up with some others but that's a good start. Now, the new year's resolutions don't seem so overwhelming.

The next part of the exercise is a meditation exercise. The idea is to close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and find that place that is calm. For some of us it takes a few minutes to shut off the thoughts in our brains...the ones that consist of what you have to do in an hour, a week, a year, how you're feeling about something, etc.

Now, think of a day 3 years from now that is the PERFECT day. Don't put any stipulations into the exercise. Allow yourself to be free of all the obligations you put on yourself and imagine if you could have the most perfect day. If the three years puts restrictions on you, take it out. Imagine where you would wake up. What is around you? Where are you? Who are you with? Feel your feet hit the floor as you get up from the bed and start your morning routine. What are you having for breakfast? Are you at a restaurant? You're eating your most favorite food; you're with your most favorite company, you're surrounded by what is perfect to you. Imagine the rest of your day in this manner...leading yourself into the afternoon, the evening and into your bed.

What does your perfect day consist of? What is that something that you love that you are not putting into daily practice? What are you longing for.

After reflecting on your perfect day, pick one thing about it and make a commitment to do it for yourself. This is how we create what brings joy to us in our lives. I found that sharing your experience with someone is helpful and can make you accountable for it. This is something Jeff and I done together and help each other by making sure we do our task that we picked.

For myself, I woke up in a charming little house on the beach. I could hear the waves, see the ocean and smell the salt in the air. The bedroom was wide open with french doors and windows that made the bedroom transparent. The bed I was in was filled with my children and my husband and I got up before them, giving them each a kiss, close enough to smell them because I adore how all three of them smell. I looked out across from me and there sat my beloved white desk with paper and pen and a Ken Follet book. I got up and went to the desk...somehow coffee had magically appeared and I got the urge to walk so I took my coffee cup and did something I haven't done since 2001 in Pensacola, Florida. I sat on that beach and looked out in the ocean soaking up what the ocean does for me.

My goal this year is to do just that....take my three (now four loves) to a beach and while they are peacefully sleeping, go out and sit on that beach with coffee cup in hand.

That's IT! Two goals for 2012....

Nurture my friendships and take a trip to the beach!

Lessons of 2011

2011-12-31T09:08:00.000-08:00

I haven't visited my blog in quite some time but for me it has been like that precious thing in a box tucked away...one of those things you think about all the time and long to do but keep putting on the back burner, well, because of life.

Here I am again, (YAY!) with a list of things to write about as 2011 comes to a close. 2011 was a year that was full of lessons learned ,not by the thousands of dollars I paid to get several degrees, but by life experiences. I truly believe life experiences is where the basis of our knowledge stems from.

In the first half of the year, I learned what unconditional love through being reunited with my mom after being separated for 25 years. This of course is on the list to write about. :). The experience and the lesson has brought peace and serenity into my life that is indescribable with words.

I also learned how to take care of myself, how to love myself, all of me, my flaws included. Learning to do this carries on through the people I come into contact with. A dear friend of mine once told me "There's no reason to reach out to teach people the "love" concept. Just live, Amanda, just be and it'll exude from you." It definitely does from her...she's like a BIG, TALL SUNFLOWER, waving in the wind.

Our lives can be filled with responsibility, obligations and the desire to fulfill all of those obligations before taking care of ourselves but I have chosen to take care of myself first. I see in my children and in my husband how important that is. I'm sure my friends are not very happy because I've done a really good job of neglecting them with this but I'll get to that in another blog.

In November, I had another life changing event that was the complete opposite, one that ripped my own security from me and left me hanging in the wind lost, desolate and confused. It was an experience that I had experienced before but this time I saw it with more clarity. The ugliness and the pain from this experience taught me how to use what I have learned through life to embrace the emotions that came with it and that healing through painful experiences is a process. There's never a quick fix and the way that life rolls, we can't always experience sunshine and roses.

I feel lucky to have gone through this year and to have experienced the roller coaster of life as it comes and am looking forward to 2012. I am excited about what I know is coming and even more so about what I don't know, good or bad. I feel STRONG this year and can't wait to share....just LIFE.

Sisterly Love

2011-05-12T08:21:00.000-07:00

The other day, my little girl did something so sweet, it made both Jeff and I tear up. Zach's birthday was May 2nd, so Jessica watched her big brother get a birthday cake, open presents and have the light shine on him for a minute. Every so often, she would pipe in with her plans for her birthday, describing a kitty birthday cake, who SHE wanted to invite to her party and what presents she wanted. Jeff and I both thought this all was very typical for a sister and was really surprised that she didn't get upset at the fact that the attention wasn't on her. She has her little ways of showing us what is going on in that innocent head of hers.

Jessica's favorite song has always been Happy Birthday. At bedtime, we have a ritual where we sing at the most three songs. When she was little, it was the only way I could get her to sleep. Jeff had other ways, like having to take her for a ride in the car, holding her and walking around until she fell asleep, letting her cry it out. I swear that man almost lost his mind over trying to put her down. I've always been a little more gentle, singing, sleeping, petting her hair, things that would soothe me. So, "Happy Birthday" is where we would start and we'd end up singing "Rock A Bye Baby", "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", and the endless list of lullabies.

Just recently, she's gotten to the point to where she'll sing the songs with me and after we leave from giving her kisses and hugs goodnight, she continues to sing. It was surprising and so very sweet to hear her take the lead and sing those wonderful songs.

So the day after Zach's birthday, Jeff, Zach and Jessie were playing in the playroom, each doing their own thing. My boys love video games, so I'm sure Jeff was playing on his phone and Zach was playing Mario Cart on his Nintendo DS. Jessica was playing with her dolls in her doll house. I was at work or school and missed the moment but can not get it out of my head. Jeff told me that all of a sudden Jessica took the table, a single chair and the birthday cake in her doll house and put it right next to Zachery. She whispered his name and he answered her with "Yeah?". She sang "Happy Birthday" to him all the way through and even said "dear Zachery" at the end. Jeff ended up leaving the scene up for me so I can see it when I got home.

Jess and Zach have always been really close, but usually Zach is the sweetheart. This time Jessie surprised us and showed us how beautiful she really is. Life through a child's eyes is absolutely precious and OH MAN am I so very glad to be a witness to it!

Rolling with the punches of life

2011-05-07T16:53:00.000-07:00

My last blog post was about New Year's Resolutions. I've actually shied away from my blog wondering how to answer myself and everyone around me about my March 4, 2011 date of losing 20 pounds. Well, it's May 7th and I still haven't lost 20 pounds. I've lost 5. Wow! Is it May already? I've also changed my resolutions and created new goals for myself. It got me to thinking about resolutions and how superficial they can be or a test of control to see what you're really capable of putting yourself through to accomplish your goals. I don't think that's healthy,by the way...that test of control.

My goals of losing weight and running a marathon, a full one at that, are important to me. However, life is not predictable and sometimes life just flat out gets in the way. I was extremely lucky to have my mom, who I have not been in contact with in 25 years, message me one day out of the blue in February. She wanted to get to know me and start a relationship. That in itself is a show stopper, a one in a lifetime moment, an Oprah show right in my own world. Being the kind of girl I am, anxiety plagues me and unhealthy habits come with that anxiety so the weight stayed on in February. When I had the honor of having my mom with me for a week (later turning into 10 days) running, eating salads, and drinking water was NOT at the top of the priority list. I had to show Mom how wonderful the Arizona cuisine is, and we're both in love with Coke like it's going out of style and two women on an anxiety train equals a party with chocolate at least every night!

This year I also have been preparing to start an internship which means the hubby becomes Mr. Mom (a fantastic one at that) half the day for four days a week, my children lose their mom, and healthy eating goes out the window. It takes A LOT of planning to eat healthy while on the go so much and to do it without eating out and not spending an arm and a leg. Working 20 hours a week, school, being a mom and being a wife doesn't leave much time for a "me" thing. I could be very selfish and train for a full marathon but I wouldn't see my kids much and my poor husband would seriously turn into a woman for all the hours he'd have to watch the kids and I, nor his mom, would really appreciate that.

Oh, and then there are the injuries of my dear sport of running. After I ran a half marathon in March I cut back on my running and cutting back means starting over again. So after a few weeks, I geared up and started again because I hadn't lost any weight. How discouraging. You train your ass off for this huge accomplishment, you would at least expect to lose some weight but not I. Diet is a huge part for me when it comes to weight loss and I figured that out the hard way. So training for a 5K, I thought I was dealing with shin splints. So I ran the first 5K. I did ok with time, not fast and not slow but I was ready for the next race in May. This was the race I was gonna shave off some minutes off of my pace. One morning, I ran to the gym, hopped on the treadmill and started doing some hill work. 45 minutes into it, POP! Blinding pain!!!! I couldn't even place my foot down on the treadmill. Not sure what the diagnosis is yet, will find out on Monday, but the ER doc believes I have torn a tendon. If that's the case no running for this girl for at least 4 weeks. Not cool. I got angry, sad, disappointed, all the emotions that runs through your head when something gets taken away from you. It took me back to my bad habits of not giving a shit on how I ate and pretty much sulking for a week.

Change does something to us. For a lot of us, it's uncomfortable and fearful. Fear can be paralyzing for some people. For me, change isn't difficult; I just don't like it. I used to fear it and fear used to grab a hold of me and put me in a very miserable place. With a little bit of head training though, fear is now just an emotion just like being bored is. You recognize it, talk to yourself about it, making sure to throw some love in there, and move on. I get uncomfortable and unsure of how to create balance in my life when a wrench is thrown into what my normal routine is; even if it is a happy change, like getting to know my mom. I've been a control freak for so long that letting go of what seems perfect is a challenge for me. I let go of my healthy eating habits and my exercise beause my bad habits are so much more fun when anxiety, fear and change come a long. I can only stand that unhealthy business for about a week or two and then I gotta get back to being healthy in my body, my mind and my spirit because healthy in all three of those aspects create pure joy for me.

So, I'm on the hunt for some upper body exercises to keep my core and upper body strong while this leg heals. My relationship with my mom is untouchable and something I crave on a daily basis and working is going really well. Treading the waters of life is what the journey is all about. The attitude and behavior I choose to exude while I'm around others and in my own head is nothing but a choice. I'm not upset about not making my goals of losing weight by March 4, 2011. I'm not upset that I will not be running a marathon this year. My life got in my way and taught me a few lessons. Goals are awesome but time is just a variable that should always be fluid; being hard on yourself only makes YOUR life miserable, and if you just sit back, enjoy the ride of life, your goals will happen, just in their own time.

The goal of 20 pounds is still there. Will it happen this year, I don't know, I sure hope so and am working at it. I will not be running a full marathon but I may run a half depending on how life is. Too much chaos and too much control is not a healthy thing for me. We'll see what happens. :)

CHOICES

2011-02-09T13:19:00.000-08:00

One of my great girlfriends who always has the right words for every situation it seems, sent me a picture of a bunch of scrabble pieces and the word "CHOICE" in it. I looked at it and at first was annoyed by it. I was annoyed because what I'm dealing with right now is a choice that I made. I made the choice to go through and battle "the ugly". I didn't expect the wave of emotions that would flow in and out of m life during this process. I wanted someone to make those emotions easier to bear, I wanted someone to take care of me like I was sick; hell I even contemplated taking meds to lift my spirit. Thank goodness for friends and those that love me to talk me out of that one. I know her intent of sending this to me was to show me not to wallow in the dark but to climb through the dirt of the hole that I had created and bask with her in the sunshine.

So, I'm doing that. Right now, it's WAY too easy to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head, eat shit food, be angry at the world, not walk outside, and be ugly to everyone I see. That's not who I am though. So with some help, I am making the choice to drudge through this mess.

I made the choice to get up today and run 4 miles.

I made the choice to be sweet to my little girl and my little man instead of being critical.

I made the choice to find patience with this process and to treat it as an adult should; process emotions the way you should process them and LET THEM GO.

I made the choice to buy a total stranger a cup of coffee because someone did this for me a while back.

I made the choice to be present and interact with my husband instead of sulking like a teenager when I awoke this morning.

I am making the choice to not let his consume me but to allow it to be a part of me.

I am making the choice to find some joy in the day and to laugh EVERY DAY until I'm back to normal.

"You have the power to move forward no matter what setback or obstacles block your path. You have the power to live true to your highest vision of how your life can be. You have the power to follow and reach your dreams. You have all this power because you have the CHOICE. In each moment you can choose, independent of all other factors. What you think, what to say, and WHO YOU WANT TO BE!!!!" - from Positively Positive fan Dale Womack of Houston, Texas

The Ugly

2011-02-07T21:01:00.000-08:00

You know, I told myself when I started this blog that I was going to use it to help others and to share my thoughts about life as a woman, however, I have been avoiding it like the plague lately out of fear...fear of being judged for what is my thoughts lately. I'm taking a leap here because I think it will help others but also think it will help me too.

Not everyone knows that I am on a journey to become a therapist and I've kept it that way for a while for fear of being judged. I am a year away from being a licensed therapist with concentrations in substance abuse and trauma, abuse, and deprivation. My past is definitely a colorful one and one of the main reasons I am taking this journey to help others is because I can share some of their experiences. I can relate to people who have substance abuse issues, who have experienced trauma, and who have struggled to get out of some pretty deep holes. I have some big goals when it comes to helping others. I'm lucky to say that I will be working with veterans starting in May. I get to lead some of the men who have fought for us through group therapy and individual therapy for their substance abuse issues. I also want to eventually help women and children who have been abused and if I had my way I would work with the incarcerated, the lowest of the low.

In order to be a successful therapist, a person should be comfortable in their own skin so that when a person sits down and shares their most intimate secrets with them, they can not judge them and also should look at them with empathy, even if they tell you that they beat the shit out of their kids every day. I mean you could judge them but never to their face. You wouldn't make any money as a therapist. The model therapist would not judge and try to find a solution that works for the client.

I decided if I was going to go to school to become a therapist, I had better get some therapy of my own to battle my own demons. The reason being because understanding the therapy process will make you a better therapist. You can actually see what works for yourself and share that with people if need be. I feel like going off on a tangent here about how counseling is so taboo, but I'm going to save my audience from the ranting and the raving about therapy and just say that it is very nice to see our society turning towards individualism and the problems that come with searching for that. A few weeks into it I was absolutely amazed at what I learned about myself and my relationship with my husband. I've changed so many habits that were almost ritualistic that it's hard to believe I ever did them. Now, I'm kicking my self because I've come to the hard stuff, the stuff people push away and never speak about.

While going through all of this, I wonder how many people I share this with, how many people have things that they never talk about again after it happens. I think about how many people I come across every day, how many women I look in the eye and ask "Hey, how are you?" and we all respond with "Good. How are you?" I now look at people wondering what they are really struggling with that day, how their lives have been before the moment I see them, and where they really want to be. It also makes me think about how we humans do not trust and are so scared to take a risk. It's allowed me to look at the dynamic of how people become friends with each other. For myself, it's taking a risk by sharing something intimate with someone I think I like and I think I get a long with, hoping to create a foundation for a solid friendship.For others its about sharing something they have in common, sometimes as shallow as what status they are in society to having children to seeing how many people they actually know.

During this journey, I have also learned something very important. I do not have to be perfect. Because of my experiences I've always strived to be perfect and to be what society and some other unnamed people deem successful. I've tripped along the stones in life's path a few times; hell, I've fallen flat on my face more than once. I'm a stubborn one though and will pick myself up, brush myself off and keep on walking because I do have the hunger for life. It took me about 25 years of my life to make a drastic change and to live for myself. That is a different story for another day, how I came to that point.

Today, this article is about admitting to not being good...breaking that barrier of "I'm good, how are you?" People don't share that they are not doing well out of fear of being judged and out of everyone finding out their problems. What I think is amazing is that we all struggle; all of us have our own demons, yet we hide them and put on that everyday mask to hide from those issues out of fear. Facing your demons is not easy work, it's hard and it sucks. I'm not asking people to just share their feelings with everyone. I think it's important to have healthy boundaries for yourself and walking around sharing your issues with everyone is not a good practice. It creates vulnerability and vulnerable people get hurt very quickly. All I'm sharing is the realization of it being ok to be intimate with someone and to share with them that you're not doing ok. Being intimate doesn't mean to have sex with someone but to share something personal about yourself to someone you trust.

If you see me tomorrow or in a week or two, I'll tell you, "I've had better days." Because lately, I have not been fine. Yep, I said it, I am not good right now. Nope, I'm not "fine", I'm not "ok", and I'm definitely not "alright". I'm struggling with some very hard, intimate things about myself right now that has nothing to do with my husband or my children, just me. I promise you I won't give you this long, drawn out story about what I'm going through so you're not burdened with it. To heal and to meet my goals of helping people, it's a neccesity to face the ugly.

So if you're struggling, if you're hurting, if you're having a bad day, own it, tell someone you trust. Take a risk, ask for a hug, grab a hand, take a bath, do something for yourself because more than likely, you need it.

Healthy Snacks for the Kiddos

2011-01-08T21:53:00.000-08:00

I LOVE to cook and make things and bake. I think it's some of that southern tradition that is ingrained in me along with the whole being a woman thing.

In my hunt for new healthy recipes to match my 2011 goals of eating more healthily ( don't know if that's a word but I like it) I found a few things that my kids actually love to eat that are really good for them.

Peanut Butter and Honey Toast aka PBH Muffin

Whole Wheat Toast or English Muffin
1 Tbsp Peanut butter (The purest you can get to it's natrual form is always good)
1 Tbsp Raw honey

I usually spread the peanut butter on the toast and top it with the honey and slice it in fours so little fingers can handle it. I usually do this for a quick breakfast or a snack and serve it to them with an apple or a banana.

Another one that they love is

Yogurt - healthy style

1/2 cup nonfat plain Greek yogurt
1 Tbsp of raw honey
1 or 2 Tbsp of granola
1 handful of berries (blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, etc.)

I found these two out while making my own snacks, breakfasts, lunches and dinners and they wanted to have a bite. I'm sure there are more to come!

A precious memory for a mommy and her little girl

2011-01-06T03:26:00.000-08:00

My role as a mother is one of my favorite roles. There are times I don't like being a mom, like when my kid smarts off of me and what he says makes complete sense and I'm left with no argument and no wise advise to toss to him. There are also those times for me when a child wants to sit on me, hug my leg, wants me to lay with them, or needs something RIGHT that VERY second, and all I want is to be alone in my dream home office writing away.

Then there are some times where your child grabs your heart and forever imprints an image and a story into it. I had one of those times when I had the opportunity to take my little girl to a Christmas party and then to a spontaneous trip to visit Santa.

The day was a dark, cloudy day. Both of my boys were sick together and I had been taking care of both of them all day long, making soup, saying sweet nothings to them, and entertaining Jessica because her play mate was down and out. It was the long awaited day for my mom's group's Christmas party that myself and a few other moms had spent weeks planning. I was already a little down because the boys were sick and I knew Zachery was going to miss out on some fun stuff just because he was sick. I spent an hour trying to figure out what to wear, or more so trying to squeeze into pants my ass would not go into and finally figured out something that would do. Jessica had been a crab pot all day long for whatever reason, so getting her dressed was just like getting me dressed, it TOOK forever. She wanted to wear these fluffy boots so I put her in a pair of jeans and a cute t-shirt. Well, three minutes after having the fluffy boots on she wanted them on and her princess dress on. This dress is a hand-me-down from her cousin and she has been infatuated with it for DAYS. She wanted to wear it every time she saw it. So, we put the "princess" dress on with her "princess" shoes and headed out to the party.

The party was a great time. I had the opportunity to enjoy some great one-on-one time with Jessica. I learned how advanced she is and how much curiosity she has to learn and to do new things. I also learned she is shy like me but if she finds someone or something she likes to do, it puts her at ease. Her knack is doing something with her hands, so we made our way to the craft stations after chatting it up with a few mamas. I got to watch her decorate a cookie and SAVOR every bite of that cookie covered in sprinkles and white frosting. Next, we headed to paint some ornaments that a few of us mamas made from scratch. Jessica picked an snowman ornament and decided she needed to have every color offered to her from red, to blue, to gold, to green, to white on her little snowman, TWICE. I watched her meticulously paint her snowman and make it her own. Finally, we went to the last craft station where there were outlines of snowmen to make out of cotton balls, buttons, pipe cleaners and glitter. She wanted to put every little detailed cotton ball, button, googly eye on herself, where she wanted it. It came out really well and she asked me to write her name at the top. Her requests and her attention to detail just amazed me.

At the end of the party, we had a book exchange and had asked the mamas to wrap each book so the child would think it was a gift. When it was time for the book exchange, Jessie went to the basket and picked out a book wrapped in Santa paper. I thought this was especially cute because all during the day she had been saying, "Mama, I gotta go see Santa." The party ended and Jessica and I walked out with all of her little crafts she made, an experience where she had to be her sole little self because her brother was not there, and her new gift.

When I in the car, I got the bright idea of taking Jessica to see Santa. Some people may think, "What? You didn't take both kids at the same time?" Not this go round. I did later, but for I wanted to share her first Santa experience with her so I could watch her. I wanted to see how she handled a stranger who holds the magic of Christmas in his hands. We went to the outlet malls in Anthem where Santa has a house and right beside the house is the tallest Christmas tree at least in the state and maybe in the country. Jessica immediately saw the Christmas tree as we pulled up to the mall and gasped in her little voice and said "Mama, look, a Christmas tree...the tallest one like Dora's tallest mountain." I said "Yeah, isn't it pretty. Right next to it is Santa's house, see?"

We got out of the car and while I was unbuckling her seat belt, she said "Mama, I want to take Santa's present." I said OK, thinking that Jessica was thinking that she wanted to take "Santa's present" because it was a present wrapped in Santa paper. We got in the line with only two people ahead of us and waited. She already looked so cute with her princess dress, her present and she was contently waiting to see this man who was gong to give her a present that she SO wanted.

The person ahead of us got finished with sitting on Santa's lap and taking pictures and it was finally Jessie's turn. Prior to her turn I talked to her and told her she had to walk up to him and say hi, then I would put her on his lap and she could tell him what she wanted for Christmas. After that we would take a picture so we could remember her first time seeing Santa. She nodded her little head while I talked to her and after I finished talking to her I said "OK, you ready?" She said "Mama, can I give him my present?" My heart just swelled up and I was so curious as to why she wanted to give her present to Santa. I told her "Jessica, that present was given to you, baby, it's yours to open when ever you want. You can even open it now if you want to." She said "No, mama, it's Santa's present." It popped into my head that maybe she saying this because of the paper. That has to be it because there is no way this girl who drives me up the wall is this sweet. So I tried again to convince myself she wasn't so sweet. I said "Baby, do you want to give it to Santa because it's wrapped in Santa paper? Because it has Santa on it?" She held strong and said "No mama, it's Santa's present."

Ok, determination wins! I told her it was her turn and she could go see Santa now. She walked up to the man dressed in red, with black boots and a fantastic looking beard and sweet, kind, blue eyes, just the way you've envisioned him over the years. She held the present out the whole way during her little walk to him and said, "Here, Santa." Of course, Santa looked at me questionably, and I shook my head and smiled, telling him, it was fine. He asked her "Do you want me to open this now?" She shook her little head yes, so he unwrapped the gift and the book was A Letter To Santa. He flipped through the book and told her thank you. He then scooped her up, put her on his lap and asked her, "So what do you want for Christmas?" I was SO curious what she was going to say because I had been explaining the Christmas concept for days to the kids, how it worked, who Santa was and what he did. We watched Santa movies, read Santa books, made Santa crafts, and talked about what each child wanted for Christmas. Jessica had been naming off a variety of things she wanted but there was one thing that was consistent and I wanted to hear if it was going to be the consistent thing she had been talking about. i wanted to see if she had grasped what Santa was and what he did. Sure enough, she whispered, "Jessie, the cowgirl."

Jessie loves Jessie the cowgirl from Toy Story because, well, she thinks she is her. Every time she saw Jessie, she would say, "Mama, that's Jessie, like me?!" She wanted the doll and she also told him she wanted a Jessie outfit so she could dress up like her.

When she told Santa she wanted "Jessie, the cowgirl" and "Jessie, the Halloween cowgirl" (the Halloween cowgirl is Jessie's way of saying a Jessie outfit) Santa said, "I think we can do that."

Of course, the girls that were taking pictures of Jessica hemmed and hawed about how cute she was and how sweet she was. She made such an impression on them, they gave us two free pictures. I was speechless throughout the whole experience because I was beaming and grinning ear to ear, because I was so proud of her and so very happy for her.

It was a joy to see her first experience with Santa and to watch her make the connection between her imagination and reality. Of course, I was stunned by her innocence and sweetness of giving Santa her gift and hope to goodness she hangs on to both her innoncence and sweetness when she gets older.

I love that little girl with all my heart and consider myself lucky to be her mother. Writing this makes me want to go upstairs and cuddle with her, then I remember how horrible of a sleeper she is. If I wake her, she will be up like I am now, unable to sleep.

Afterwards, we walked out, went to see the Christmas tree and looked at her pictures. She was so curious to see the picture and to remeber Santa. She also wanted a picture with the Christmas tree. So we took a picture, with me still beaming, lost in a trance of sweetness.

Then my phone rings. It's Jeff on the other end.

Jeff: "Baby, what are you doing?"
Me: "Taking Jessie to see Santa."
Jeff: "Oh. (Pause) Are you going to be home soon?"
I can just see this pitiful man with his lip poked out just a little.
Me: "Yeah, I'm coming home right now, why? Are you guys ok?"
Jeff: "Yeah. (Pause) We're hungry."
I visualized my husband in pj pants, a hoodie and my son sitting next to him with his thumb in his mouth in comfy pants and a hoodie too, playing video games the whole time I was gone, not paying attention to anything because they were so miserable.
Me: "Why didn't you guys eat?"
Jeff: "I don't know."
Me: "You guys are sitting in the dark too huh?"
Jeff: starts laughing "Yeah."
Me: laughing "You guys are pitiful! Sick, hungry, sitting in the dark, poor thing. What in the world would you do without me babe?"
Jeff: laughing "I don't know.I didn't even know it was dark."

Back to reality! Duty calls! Jessie and I went home that night both of us changed. She saw Santa for the first time and I was more in love with my daughter than I have ever been.

2011

2011-01-01T14:15:00.000-08:00

I didn't really want to make any resolutions for 2011 because it's just so cliche but I feel sometimes doing cliche things can really improve your life, especially if you make them your own. Creating goals for me keep me active and healthy in my mind and in my heart. Here are a few things I plan on doing in 2011.

1. Run a full marathon! Some people call me crazy but I know what my body is capable; so much more than what we put it through. Last year I had the goal to run a half marathon and am still working on it due to my illness that struck me in August, but I'm not dwelling on not meeting that goal. My body needed that time and I look at it as a curve ball that I didn't expect...isn't that what life is about?

2. Do something to better my children's life and my husband's life EVERY DAY! My children and my husband are my top priority and I want them to feel loved by me, every day. If that means making them laugh, taking a risk, and not getting something done that I FEEL needs to be done, then so be it.

3. To be present in life and to better myself. I often find myself in my mind way too much and this distracts me from my own life. There are also some changes that I need to make to be a happier person that are simple and very do-able, including becoming an early riser again, meditating and finding out what spirituality is for me, and not isolating myself from people and the world because of my own insecurities. I also need to be healthier and not do things for convenience. It is important that my children have a positive role model in their life and I feel the way to do this is to live it by being healthy mentally, physically and emotionally.

4. Get that body back in shape girl! I fell off the bandwagon during the holidays with going to Disneyland and having a tendon flare up because of running too much. Yeah, running too much. So I rested for the past two weeks and still didn't eat so well, so my goal of losing 22 pounds is going to be delayed just a touch but it starts today!!

5. STOP PROCRASTINATING!!! I am the QUEEN of procrastinating and seriously need to change that habit. I read something the other day that was profound to me when it came to procrastination. I read it in The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He feels that when you live in a negative state of procrastination, greed, hatred and laziness, that people are actually dwelling on a period in the their past or dwelling on their future, hindering people to actually act on the action they need to act on. We often think about how painful facing that certain situation was or how painful it can be for us and do not want to face it so we procrastinate, are lazy and feel hate, greed, and anger. Rather than dwell on those emotions and allow those emotional states to hinder your actions, change your frame of mind and recognize what your doing and how you allow your mind to control your thoughts rather than facing those fears of doing something that's uncomfortable. That's what I plan on doing. It definitely will take some practice but I think it's definitely do-able!

6. To see the world. I love to travel and have not done much of that in a few years. I want to do more of it!

7. To use my voice more! I often hold my tongue in certain situations where I should voice my opinion, my thoughts, or ideas; sometimes out of fear and sometimes out of a self imposed respect I have put on a person. My goal in this life is to help people to live a better life by sharing experiences, thoughts and ideas. If I can't voice them, how can I help people? So, I commit to write to my audience more, talk to my friends and my family more, and to be more confident...period.

8. Work on my top priorities. I currently am not working on my top priorities. I find myself getting distracted so I can stay in my mind by cleaning the house, organizing something and doing something to keep my hands busy so I'm not focusing on what is important to me. I look at it as a lot of time wasted. I don't want to waste my time in my life. My house might go to shit and and it may be cluttered but if my kids are taught, my husband is happy, my friends are loved, and people are helped, I feel success. I get nothing out of my house being clean except for two minutes of satisfaction because let's face it, I have two toddlers, and twenty years down the road when they are living their lives, I can enjoy a clean house if that's what I need.

My intention of writing this is to make myself accountable and to share it with others in hopes to give whomever permission to live their life the way they want to, to create, to accomplish, and to dream so that we become better in 2011! CHEERS!

I run because...

2010-12-19T21:44:00.000-08:00

A lot of people ask me how I run at my age? Why in the world I want to run as much or as far as I have?

I got started running when I was in basic training for the United States Air Force and instantly fell in love with it. We only had to run a mile and a half at a time, nothing really strenuous, but I remember running for so many various things. I flashback to being in my PT clothes (gray shorts and a gray t-shirt with the words Air Force on them) running a long someone and pushing them to run further and harder, telling them to imagine the breakfast we would be getting in only thirty short minutes, each step, each breath, getting us closer and closer to that white line on the dark concrete. I loved pushing people to do their best and in the military, you never left anyone behind, regardless of how fast or how slow someone was. You were a team and the team had to get through the run, not just you. I would run every morning for those chow hall breakfasts of ham, grits, French toast, and juice...YUMMY! I still dream about that breakfast! It was so good to me. There's only one place that has a better breakfast and that is The Original Pancake House in Salem, Oregon...Hands down, THE best breakfast EVER! I remember a sense of freedom I had never felt before and an instant addiction to it. That's not surprising because I'm one that can get addicted to something fairly easily. The high of running is like no high I've experienced before. It's beyond euphoric and constant. I can get grumpy just as an addict could and if I go run, I feel much better. The daily dose of endorphins that comes with running is far better than any induced high because it's natural and controlled by your mind. Over the years, I ran to keep fit, on treadmills, to pass my PT tests, and to just be outside, in the world, with myself. I abandoned running after the military because I was in a dark place mentally and didn't pick it up until a few years ago.

Now, I run for a lot of other different reasons. It took me some time to grow up before I could really appreciate it as a sport and what it is to me. I run.... because I love it. for my sanity. for ice cream. to stay young. to be fast. to look damn good in my jeans. so that boys can't catch me. to feel the wind in my face. to have a private concert of whatever music is on my mp3 player that day. to escape from toddlers. because I'm mad. to be a role model. because I GET to. to feel the pain so that I don't hurt so much on the inside. to move the clouds out of my head. to be present with myself and the world. to come up with new ideas about anything. to be a part of a group. to push me. to test my will power. to push my body. because it drives me to accomplish the impossible. to find my own inner strength.

I just recently watched a documentary on the Iron man triathlon and it was astounding for me. The way those humans push their bodies was an eye opener to me. It is so easy to get caught up in the daily routine that Americans have created for themselves, work, work, work; come home, sit in front of the TV for a few hours and eat. I know not every American does this but a lot of us do. The guys and the females in the triathlons were running 3 minute miles! That is NUTS to me because there are some days my head says "No, not today, Amanda. I don't feel like it." Yeah, I think about one of those girls and my ass gets out there really quick and my mind and my body are happier I did. I also can flip through a Victoria Secret catalog and that will get me out there too, running to get those sexy abs. ;)

Running for me now is more than just a sport. I believe having healthy goals for your body is what contributes to stability in your mind, in your heart, and in your soul. I say contribute because I strongly believe a person has to keep their mind healthy too. Different people have different ways of doing that and I feel that's the beauty of living in this world and in America. We are all different, we all do things in our own way. I think our society stemmed away from taking care of your mind and your body for a while but I've noticed a turn around. There is more focus on taking care of the body and finding your own individualism. Running has helped me to define my individualism and has allowed me to take care of myself and the things I care about most. I'm a lucky girl because I'm one of those that GETS to run and as long as I can, I'll keep pushing my willpower, setting new goals, singing to myself, crying when a thought crosses my mind, watching the hot air balloons launch in the morning, all while I'm running to get this body in pristine shape :)

Running away 21 pounds! AHH!

2010-12-09T14:04:00.000-08:00

So, I've been avoiding weighing myself for the past month because I did not want to see the number. I knew in my heart it was higher than it's ever been without a baby in my belly. I'm really making a big deal out of this because for some reason I fear it. I do not know why I do, yet, but for some reason I do not like being bigger than I've ever been. I think part of it is the fact that I enjoy eating. I really do. I know why I do and I know I need to change this habit of mine. I think that's it right there, I'm not going to be able to use food as my comforting piece any more. I've taken away everything that I know that gives me comfort. I don't like drinking much anymore...I hate the hang over. I don't like popping pills and getting a false sense of being happy and I can't eat any more because, well, I'm not going to spend any more money getting another pair of fat girl pants or fat girl shirts. I've hit the size "Large" and when I told my husband that, he just stared at me in disbelief. I'm sure in his head the story went like this "How in the world could you be a size "Large"? You know that is grounds for divorce?" TOTALLY KIDDING, but wouldn't that be horrible if that's what they thought. I understand I'm not fat. I'm actually in the healthy range of weight and my BMI is still in the healthy range, but I have a problem; I don't fit any of my clothes without looking like I'm carrying my five month food baby around. I'm not even going to tell you my size...you won't believe me, I PROMISE!

I've always been that skinny bitch that girls hate...you know the ones that can eat and rink whatever they want and they look fantastic. At 25, that changed for me. My arrogance turned into complete desperation to keep up the skinny bitch profile and when I couldn't I realized I was a little more human than what I thought. I'm a person that has always found happiness in things like alcohol, drugs, food, things that are not very healthy for you at all. When I became more humanized the things that made me happy changed but not the food thing. I've always loved food and drinks. I think because it's instant gratification. To top it off , the sweeter, the greasier, the better. When I was pregnant with Zach I could win any eating contest, especially if it was cake eating. Jeff and I would make a cake every three days and down that bad boy like it had no business being in our house. I never experienced hunger like pregnancy hunger and I had quit smoking on top of it, so I was tasting food for the very first time. I'd have to try all new things because my taste buds were going through a transformation.

I'm not one that is obsessed with being skinny or has a model that she looks at and wants to be like. I do look at women who are my age and wonder how in the hell they do it, raising kids, working, going to school, and not eating until they can't see below their bellies any more. I am curious how efficient my body would be and I do miss wearing some of the cute clothes I had back in the day...not anything risqué just jeans and t-shirt that didn't have this pooch big enough to be an additional head on my body. Just the other night when we had some friends over for the UFC fight, one of the Tap Out girls came out waving the sign for the round in her little bikini and I was throwing a small pity party for myself and told the girl next to me "She seriously needs to go have a baby or something, instead of waving all that around." I know, a little harsh, but it's how I felt...just because I would love to look like that again.

Doing this plan that I've created for myself leaves me with no alcohol and no unhealthy food. Some people will say, "Don't stress about what you eat; just eat healthy and exercise." Ok, I did that, and I maintained my fat girl weight. Each body type is different, I think. Some people can not stress or not count calories, exercise and watch the weight fall off. Some have to count calories, not worry about exercise and the weight goes away, well, I'm one of those that has to do both or NOTHING happens! AHH!

The frustrating part of this is that I tried to not stress about what I ate and for the past two month have worked my way from running 0 miles to running 7 miles and have lost NOT A POUND...NOTHING! I've chosen running as my sport of choice on purpose and I'll write about that on a different day. Now, if you're a runner, you know how grueling getting back into the runs actually is. It's worse than maintaining a weekly goal of miles. Those first runs are so hard and you never feel like you're gonna make it. Carrying around 10 extra pounds while trying to run does nothing but slow you down. Right now, I'm SLOW but I'm running so that's good.

According to SparkPeople (a website for free diet plans and trackers) I will meet my weight loss goal of 21 lbs in March IF I stay with my plan of 1200-1500 calories a day, exercising six days a week, and not crying every day while doing it. I have to have a plan, a structured one. One where a little military TI (training instructor) comes out and yells at me if I'm not following it. I have to write down the days of the week, plan out the exercises, my meals and stick to it...give myself a few options and stick to them. The time period I cave is after the kids go down. I LOVE to reward myself with a glass of wine, a beer, or a snack. Jeff helps me with it too because we share this love of eating and procrastinating when working out. SO, I went on SparkPeople, joined the site, joined a few motivating teams and planned out strategy.

I'm also training to run a half marathon. I'm still debating on which one to do because if I do PF Chang's it's $110 for registration right now! WTF! I may just skip the half and go straight for the full in February. Regardless, my next course of action is to run a half very soon. Damn, I'm running 7 miles on Saturday, I can't let all this effort go to waste for nothing. Training for a half marathon means running at least four times a week like running 3 to 4 miles every other day and then doing a long run on the weekends. On the days you don't run, you cross train, do something like biking or strength training. My goal is to do a little bit of both. I'm a member of Anytime Fitness and they have awesome cross training machines, Zumba and Yoga which are all things I love, so I feel confident I can mix it up. I just have to have the PLAN down and on a calendar.

Now my weakness in this is not to isolate myself. I'm great at isolating myself. If you ever need to do for whatever reason, let me know, I'm an expert. I isolate myself when I feel imperfect or not happy about something. I feel like the world is judging me and because of that I don't know how to act around people. I'm learning how not to isolate myself, especially during these times when I loathe my body. I know I shouldn't loathe my body because it is what keeps me alive every day, however, I also am realistic and know until I get some "head work" done, that part is going to stay there for a minute.

I'm sharing this for two reasons, one because I'm human and I know I share the same frustration with other women and two, writing it for me makes me more accountable for my actions. So, here I go, running after March 4, 2011 where I should be 21 lbs lighter!!

My husband ROCKS!

2010-09-28T15:17:00.000-07:00

I am lucky to be with a guy who is just plain awesome. Yeah, we are like all the married couples that have their struggles but I can't imagine spending my life with none only than the one and only Jeff Longie. He is a unique mind, I tell you. He's done a fabulous job of taking care of me during this surgery experience and I want to see if I can come up with a few things that describe his awesomeness.

1. He loves unconditionally with an enormous amount of loyalty. This man has been through a roller coaster ride dealing with a person like me and has chosen to love me unconditionally through all of it. He also loves with an extreme amount of loyalty and is very, very protective. If anyone comes close to even saying something that remotely hurts someone he loves or considers a friend, you better watch out, because the rath of Jeff Longie is not a pretty thing.

2. He is a GREAT father. Jeff is a big kid himself, as I think all men are. Some hide that big kid quality and some don't hide it so well. For some women, it's irritating as hell. For me, I adore this quality in him. He has taught me how to be a child around my children; how to engage the fun side of being a parent. For Father's Day this past year, I bought him a Nerf gun that he'd been eying for months and his adult side couldn't justify spending $30 for it. He giggled like a school girl when he got it and has already talked about how he's going to "mod" it out. He's shown me what playing with children actually is and has soothed my fears of being a good mom because I didn't know how to do that with my kids.

3. He is a natural born rebel. I fell in love with Jeff's rebellious side instantly because I'm a rebel myself. He is not afraid to go against what is normal and what may be considered right in society. I admire this quality in him because I have always believed in standing up for what you believe is right regardless if everyone tells you that you are wrong. I flash back to a day when I was running and daydreaming about an imaginary party that will happen when Jeff and I hit 10 years of marriage because it always takes the "run" out of running for me. I was thinking about how the party would go and daydreaming about how the renewal of the vows part would run in my head. When I came to this characteristic, I got all chocked up and almost had to stop running. I didn't realize it was a quality about him that I admired so much. It falls into place with what values I want my children to learn and how I live my life, so I appreciate this quality dearly.

4. He is SO funny. Just the other night, our babysitter had no idea who The Jeffersons were. Well, it's because she was born in 1988!!! I won't even touch on how old that made us feel. So, I did what any other person would do, grabbed my lap top and "you.tubed" the video, showed it to her. Right in the middle of it, Jeff walks in, yanks his pajama pants up to his chest and does the infamous Jeff dance which consists of moving his hips back and forth in a forward and then back motion while moving his arms in the opposite direction, all the way to our bathroom, turns around and points his index fingers down like George use to and walks towards us, screaming "MOVING ON UPPP!". Who couldn't laugh at that seriously!? Me and our babysitter were rolling on the floor laughing, it was that funny.

5. He is sensitive. This really makes being a woman much easier, really. If I didn't have a guy that was sensitive, I don't know what I would do. Jeff has his "girly" moments just like I have mine. He PMS's the way that I do and I think that it's cool. I love it because he can relate to me when I have my "girly" days. He also tears up at a precious picture of our children, any child really, and adores animals. Children and animals are drawn to him, instantly. About a week ago, he told me every time he sees a baby, it makes him want another one. SEE! He gets what women go through when they get that longing to have and to hold another baby in their arms. I think what contributed to this was because 8 weeks after Jessie was born, he played the role of Mr. Mom while I went back to work for a year. He adored her and so wishes he could go back to those moments when our babies were little. Anytime I see this side of him makes me appreciate the heart he has; it's what makes him beautiful.

Surgery number four on the girl parts...a lose-lose situation

2010-09-26T23:27:00.000-07:00

I've always been a writer, since high school English class with Mrs. Inabinet, probably even before then, but I don't remember so well. I've also wanted to always do a blog but always made excuses for it.

ANYWAYS, what better time to do it than while I'm recovering from this stupid surgery. It's stupid in my mind. I know it's necessary and it deals with my health, but quite frankly, it's just like having to go pee, it takes so much time to go in, pull down your pants, sit on the toilet, do your thing (rolling the eyes), tear the tissue while battling whether really which way is the right way for the roll to be on, wipe, pull up your pants, flush, and go about your business. Now if you're a mom I dare you to try and go pee when your two year old is asleep. In my house, I would come out of the bathroom and my hallway wall would be covered in a new color - SHARPIE. Nope, didn't stutter, yes, Sharpie, marker because my two year old decided that nap time wasn't going to happen that day. That was fun.

So this surgery is just as irritating as having to pee in the middle of writing a paper or cooking dinner or heaven forbid, talking on the phone. It's irritating because it's gonna take me about two weeks to not walk like a 70 year old and 4 weeks before I'm exercising, still working on that battle to lose the last 10 lbs of my 2 year old. That is another story for a different day, I tell ya. I'm slightly impatient when it comes to things and just now after 30 years realizing this.I understand it's unrealistic, but I still am aggravated that it takes a month for your body to recover from a surgery. I mean, now, they can go in and replace parts and make life expectancy about 20 years older and you can basically get a catalog ordered baby, packed with your own eye color, stature, and hair style, but it still takes FOREVER to get back to normal from removing a little blood and scar tissue? There's gotta be a pill for speedy recovery, there's gotta be.

In case your curious, surgery number four on the girl parts included removing blood from my pelvic cavity and abdominal cavity. The docs also removed scar tissue "aka" adhesions from my left ovary and small intestine. Apparently, my menstrual blood decided it was going to go backwards into my pelvic cavity and not into my uterus like it's supposed to. My husband has called my girl parts "an angry beaver" before...there's a new definition of it. These adhesions formed when after I was sewed up from my two c-sections. Apparently, scar tissue forms to heal the body and my body decided my left ovary was broken and my small intestine was broken and needed extra tissue. The doc also informed me that I had quite a bit of scar tissue on the bladder caused from one of my c-sections. I didn't know this but they sometimes injure the bladder when they cut you open. This would explain the repeated bladder infections and the colicky cramping I get. The third surgery was to remove some ovarian cysts from the left ovary, and the other two were my c-sections for my lovely children.

My mom, after telling her about the ovarian cyst surgery, recommended getting a hysterectomy. At the time, I was still dreamy eyed about not doing that because what if something were to happen to the kids, what if something happened to me and Jeff, would removing my girl parts make me less of a woman? A year later, talking to the doctor who did this surgery and enduring four ovarian cysts rupturing, I asked him if he could PLEASE remove at least the left ovary. Yeah, I was serious because being a woman, already has it's sucky moments, but no woman should have to endure the rupturing of a cyst AFTER giving birth to children. You've put in your time, done your duty, after bearing children. I'm still pissed women have to go through menopause and get ridiculed for it. "HA, HA" the doc said, "You're ovaries are still in great shape despite the complications you've had." Other women tell me "No, I know friends who did just a partial hysterectomy and struggled to get the hormone cocktail correct." What flashes through my mind is my poor husband's face when the Exorcist in me decides it wants to come out and I have no control what so ever, very similar to what pregnancy was. This person, hell, I wouldn't even call it a person, this hormone devil, came and took over my body when I was pregnant and said and did things I, Amanda, would never, ever, say or do. I can't do that to me and Jeff again, we've been through it twice. I need to give him a few years before he has to go through that again.

So here I sit, with my angry girl parts, injured and full of piss and vinegar. I'm here for a reason though. I think that reason is to slow down and to not be superwoman any more; I have a strange feeling my body doesn't like it too much...three years and two surgeries...HMMM. I'm lucky because I have great friends and a great family. My girl friends have brought over meals for a whole week and my in laws, who I think of like my mom and dad, have helped Jeff take care of our kids and him this weekend. Tonight, I've gotten to create something that I've wanted to create for years, so really, this surgery isn't a lose-lose situation...turn that frown upside down, girl, it's a win-win. :)