A Glow In The World

The Way.

2014-10-25T18:11:00.000-05:00

Something has been bothering me. Weighing heavy on my heart. It has to do with what Jesus says about Himself in John 14:6.

Here Jesus says, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

There are those I know, Christ followers, who do not really believe this. They believe that Jesus is the only way for them, but not for everyone. This makes me very sad.

Here is my thinking.

If there is any other way to God, any way other than Jesus, then we don't need Jesus. We don't need what Jesus did for us on the cross. His shed blood was unnecessary. His suffering was needless. If there is any other way to God.

If there are other ways to God then we can pick and choose as we like, and live according to our own desires and wisdom.

If there are other ways to God then what did Jesus go to the cross for? Why do it if there are other options for us?

I don't believe there are other ways. I believe the fact that Jesus did go to the cross is proof that there is no other way. No other atonement for sin. No other doorway through which we can walk to have intimacy with God.

I believe that Jesus is very necessary. Absolutely, utterly, completely, irrevocably necessary.

I believe Jesus when He says that He is the way, and the truth, and the life. I believe Jesus when He says that no one comes to the Father except through Him.

I have staked my life, and everything I hold dear and true, on this belief.

What about you? On what, in whom, will you stake your life?

A Letter To Myself As A Little Girl

2014-03-28T21:57:00.000-05:00

Dear Little Michelle,

I honestly don't know what to say, or how to start, to express my heart. There are so many thoughts, but after taking a journey through our shared history I think these things are what you most need to hear.

I would like you to know, deeply within yourself, that being a girly girl is a GOOD thing. It's not a bad thing. God made you to enjoy frills and twirling skirts and pink and sparkles and magical stories of adventure and beauty. That's part of the beauty in you that God placed there to be enjoyed. But not all. There is so much more beauty that you carry than is seen on the outside.

There are forces in the world, bad forces that will use all sorts of voices, to crush you and make you into someone cold and hard and dark. Those forces DO NOT WIN! Not in the end. Hold onto that. It will help you.

You were made to love and laugh and sparkle. You were made to passionately and deeply feel and to imagine -- bright castles, towering mountains, soaring hawks, white horses racing across windy fields, a good king and a kind prince who are strong and whose hearts you touch and move. You were made for love and delight. All of the voices that tell you differently are lying to you. Do not believe their lies. Do not believe HER lies. Do not believe HIS lies. I know that you have, but you don't have to any more. The good king and kind prince are real, and they say what is true. They say "Do not believe their lies. Believe in the beauty you were made to be, and believe the beauty you have to offer the world." Believe their voices.

I know that nobody taught you these things. You weren't taught that beauty is good; that being sensitive and a person who feels many things deeply is good; that being delighted in is a good thing to desire. But beauty is good. Being sensitive and a person who feels many things deeply is good. It is good to desire to be delighted in. God delights in you and He made you to desire that from Him, and from those He will send whose hearts are good and open and can re-present Him to you. Just as you can re-present Him to them.

If I could step through a door in time and space, I would take you away from all of the dark and heavy and angry and mean and hateful things that came into your life and person when you were far, far too young to be able to cope with them. And even that...THAT thing...that awful thing that nobody is every able to handle, no matter how old or grown up they are, because it is just too evil. You survived them. They hurt you and left marks, but you are not destroyed by them.

If I could step through the door, I would take you away from all of the bad and we would PLAY! We would go on adventures! We would run through the fields and pick flowers and wild berries! We would feed the horses and we would stalk the squirrels! We would skip and swing and twirl and laugh and dance! Oh...how we would dance!! We would create the good memories so that when dark seasons come - and dark seasons do come in this very broken world - you would have so much good on your insides to hold onto that the dark season doesn't seem as endless and hopeless. Because hope is remembering forward. And you were made for that, too. You were made for hope.

Faith, hope and love. These things remain. You, little Miss Michelle, were created for all three of these.

Through Their Eyes

2013-01-10T10:24:00.002-06:00

Have you ever been on a mission trip to another country? Or even within your own country? Where you go there and do things and help people and love on orphans and then leave and come home to your normal life?

I haven't. My history in ministry has been one of being support personnel, and support personnel doesn't go on adventures. Support personnel stays home, holds down the fort, and...well...supports the adventurers.

I've been rethinking that particular box. I know people who have gone on trips to various places - Mexico, Haiti, Guatemala, Kenya - and it has touched their hearts and fostered a greater appreciation for all they have in their lives. I don't know what I have to offer in the mission field, but I think I could play with and love on some orphans. I could do some manual labor. Pain a wall. Something simple which requires no great skill set.

But, along with having my heart drawn toward the possibility of stepping out into the mission field, I have started to wonder what it is like to be them.

By "them" I mean the ones to whom we go and minister. The destitute and the orphans. What does it feel like to be them? What does it feel like to have your world invaded by people from outside your normal sphere of life? Where those outside people come and build buildings, and do things that help the people who live in your village, and engage with your life and heart, and then they leave?

I think that's what's nagging at me... What does it feel like to be an orphan whose parents have died, or whose parents can no longer take care of you so they left you on a doorstep somewhere in the hopes that the people of this place can provide? Abandoned. Discarded. That has to be such a heart-wrenching, horrible feeling.

So you are there, in an orphanage, with a lot of other kids whose stories are similar. The people at the orphanage do their best to take care of everyone. Then your world is invaded. People from the outside come. They bring stuff. They help build things or places. Maybe they drill a well. They do things. They love on you and engage your heart and tell you about a God who loves you. Then they leave. How does that feel? What does that do to your heart?

What does it do to their hearts? Those orphans. Who have already experienced abandonment and rejection. What does it do to their hearts to have their worlds invaded with goodness and blessing only to have the invaders turn around and leave?

Beyond the words to what is left after the deeds - what is truly communicated?

What do WE look like through THEIR eyes?

Just some thoughts I'm having...

Random Post on Shame and Belonging

2012-05-02T10:52:00.000-05:00

I have been in Austin now for approximately 15 months. After 20 years working for the same organization, and living in the same apartment for 17 years, to move to an entirely new city is a bit of a shock to the system.

Since I've been here, I've lost friends and made new ones. I've joined communities and had to remove myself from the same communities. Not all, but enough to where I feel the loss as something irretrievable.

This is not at all what I imagined when I moved here. For some reason, I believed that when I moved here things would be different. I believed I would get to know what it feels like to belong. To know...really, REALLY know...what it feels like to have relationships I can lean into. I cannot say that those things have happened. Not in a deeply experiential way. Not in a deeply experiential way that I recognize.

Nor can I cast blame. I cannot say that I blame my ex-friend for defriending me. It's painful, but I think I get it. The communities I removed myself from had areas where there were challenges, but it's not all on them.

It's on me, too.

For the longest time I resisted going back into therapy. I'd done it before and didn't want to go back there. Admitting to the need for more therapy feels a lot like having "TERMINALLY WRONG" written across the forehead with a permanent marker. It feels like a place of shame.

As many of my previous blog entries imply, I've had enough really bad things happen to me from a very young age so that there are reasons why shame is a cornerstone of my internal house.

And yet, shame is new area of exploration for me. It is an area that will definitely be addressed in therapy.

Part of that exploration is reading I Thought it Was Just Me.

As a book addict, I thought I would have to discipline myself to read this slowly. I love Brene Brown's TED talks, and had the notion that I would be able to breeze through her book. I was mistaken.

I am not through the second chapter and have found this to be one of the hardest books I've ever read. What was I thinking?

In a recent conversation with someone around the topic of community participation I asked the question, "Is it worth it?" The answer I received was a definite, "Yes!" The question underlying the question was really about belonging. About belonging when one doesn't belong, when the void on the inside is a constant thing, when the sense of being isolated is the strongest when in the midst of a group.

I suspect the person would still say that it is worth it.

But I'm not sure. The fact that I am still unsure that it's worth it says several things, I think. It says that there is a value shift and a paradigm shift that has to take place. It says that the shame goes very deep. It says that shame and belonging are antithetical.

That goes back to belief. Core beliefs. Beliefs about oneself, others, relationships, and life.

This means getting to some basic things. But how to believe what I/we don't believe? Positive thinking doesn't seem to work.  From other things I've read, there seems to be a body of research that indicates that all that positive affirmation stuff is actually counterproductive to creating the kind of paradigm shift that is healing to such core identity issues as shame.

I wish I had the answers, but I don't. I'm too new to this exploration.   There are others who have gone before me and I hope to learn from them.

Your feedback and thoughts are most welcome. Please comment freely!

And extra warm-from-the-oven brownie points for reading this far...

Hunger

2011-11-22T23:20:00.000-06:00

Recently I asked a former associate to forward everything with my byline to me, since I had managed to lose those files. This is one of the pieces he sent.

We are born hungry. The heart cries out for a safe place to love and be loved. Throughout our lives we search and strive for that place which our hearts tell us exists, only to find that most of what we think will satisfy that hunger in truth leaves us longing for more. While riches are nice, they cannot love us. People can love us, but there is a lot of pain that comes with human relationships. People fail all the time. They say and do things that hurt. They disappoint. Whether through negligence or deliberate malice, people hurt other people with alarming regularity. Broken marriages, failed friendships, ambitious one-upmanship, and animosity between rivals…all of these point to a lack. That lack creates a void and the void causes pain and, as has been said in numerous ways, hurting people hurt people. So the cycle continues.

We search for Eden. We search for Heaven. We search for something that is unlike anything we have ever really known in this world. None of this is to say that relationships in this world are a bad thing, because they are not. God created us for relationship. We are hardwired to seek others with whom we can walk and live and enjoy creation. To be devoid of relationship is to be among the walking dead, with the illusion of life but none of the substance.

God saw Adam in the Garden and said that it is not good for him to be alone. Adam had been created in the image of God Himself, to experience His glory. He possessed the relational capacity that enabled him to walk, openly and unashamedly, with God Himself. Still, God saw that Adam was alone, declared that it was not good for Adam to be alone, and created for him a counterpart in Eve. In the perfection of Eden, Adam and Eve fulfilled each other and, in conjunction with their relationship with God, were truly alive. Nonetheless, sin crouched at the door and humanity has suffered ever since because deception was allowed to enter in. No longer were Adam and Eve unashamedly open and naked and vulnerable, in their hearts, before each other and God. They went into hiding and people have been hiding ever since. Vulnerability is seen as a weakness to be avoided, and people are afraid to be openhearted with one another.

What does it mean to be in relationship with someone? We can have an intellectual understanding of a person’s worldview. We can have knowledge of a person’s likes and dislikes. We can know someone’s family history and personal background. However, having such information does not automatically mean that we actually know the person. Without a heart connection there is no relationship, there is just information. There can be the illusion of a relationship, perhaps even some sort of emotional connection. But having emotions with regards to another person does not necessarily mean there is a relationship. All one has to do to see an illustration of this principle is look at the phenomenon of celebrity. An avid fan of a movie star can know all about this person, have certain emotions with regards to this person, and even have met this person, but that does not mean there is a real relationship there. That does not mean that there is anything enduring or of depth. Even if there is some mutuality of emotion, it takes a deeper bond than emotion because emotions change. They are very unreliable barometers of what is real. Every woman who has battled with her “time of the month” knows this to be true. There are myriads of factors that can impact the emotions, causing them to ebb and flow like the tides of the sea.

We hunger for something real and enduring. We hunger for something bigger than we are. One cannot separate those hungers. The hunger for relationship is as much a driving force in the life of every person as the hunger to be a part of something meaningful. Part of what is real about love is the desire to share that love.

It is one thing to be in love with someone. There is an incredible intensity about it that is focused on the person with whom one is in love. Being in love is very exclusive and can be very needy and demanding. To the one who is in love, the world narrows down to become solely focused on the beloved. There is a need to be with the beloved to the exclusion of everyone else. Like a blazing fire, it is very hot to be around and can burn when one comes too close. Within the right framework this is not necessarily wrong. Romantic love is not a bad thing. Without this sort of mysterious relationship between men and women the human race would have faced the possibility of dying out. Romance is God’s idea as a blessing to His creation. But the love of which I speak is like the love of God in His relationship to Himself as Father, Son and Holy Spirit. It is inclusive. God’s love is warm and welcoming. God’s love is inviting. God’s love is who He is. God cannot be separated from His love because He is love. That is His character.

We are told what it looks like. Scriptures tell us, in 1 Corinthians 13, that love is patient, and kind, and merciful, and hopeful, and faithful, and enduring. The same scriptures tell us what love does not look like. We are told that it is not rude, nor selfish, nor temperamental, nor pessimistic, nor does love find joy in the downfall of another.

Much of what we experience as love is tainted by what is not love. We don’t really know what true love is like. It is one thing to have it described to us, but another thing entirely to experience it in such a way that we really recognize it when we see it. Because our experience has taught us that tainted love is the real thing, we do not recognize the real thing when it is offered to us. We don’t trust the real thing because our experience has taught us that the real thing is an illusion. Consequently it is very difficult to trust God’s love, which makes it difficult to trust God Himself. And yet we hunger, with a deep abiding hunger, for the real thing. We hunger for something beyond what we have known. Accordingly we continue to search for the real thing. We look to and fro, within the realm of the existence we know, to find something to satisfy that hunger. However, the realm we know is not the totality of existence. There is more to existence than the reality of what we can see and taste and touch and hear. Our hearts know this. Somewhere deep inside, we remember that there is something bigger and nobler and more beautiful than what we have known. As is stated in Ecclesiastes, God has set eternity in our hearts. It is His gift to us.

If we want to see what the desire for something noble and beautiful and eternal looks like when it’s displayed as a picture for the world to view, all one has to do is take a look at one the most recent blockbuster movie series to hit the cinema. “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy speaks to many of those who have seen it on a very deep level. It speaks to the heart.

As an exercise in modern cinematography, it is an incredible illustration of the outworking of the gift of creativity that God has given to a humanity that was created in His image. As a message to the heart, it tells us that there is more to life than what we know in our everyday, humdrum lives. The author of the novels on which the movie trilogy is based, J.R.R. Tolkien, is known to have said that he simply wanted to create a mythology for his homeland, England. What he created, however, calls to us on a level that is deeper than the intellect. There are generations of self-proclaimed “Tolkien geeks” who have loved his books since childhood. Because of the sheer beauty and epic nature of the movies there is now a new generation whose hearts have been stirred to explore the realm of Middle-Earth. The storyline is classic – good verses evil in an epic battle for all of creation. The characters are memorable, and the real hero of the tale is one that every person can relate to…someone small caught up in something bigger than himself that takes him on a quest for something that impacts all generations to come.

That is what the quest for love is to all of us.

Whether we know it or not, it is a quest to find something greater than ourselves which we can share with those around us and pass on to all generations to come. It is a quest to find something eternal, for love is eternal. Real love, real nobility, real beauty all transcend the here and now. All of these things also enter into the here and now. Eternity is not something for later. Eternity contains within it everything that is past, everything that is present and everything that is to come. Like a person who contains all the genetic codes of his or her ancestors and desires to have a part in future generations, we have in our hearts the desire for something eternal. We have in our hearts the desire for love. We have in our hearts the desire for God. Those desires cannot be separated, for God is love and His desire is toward us. He has made us in His image, to love and be loved, to share His glory. Because of our smallness, He became like us so we could see Him. Because of His greatness, He has made a way for us to come out of hiding. Because He is eternal, we have been given a way to be eternally alive. That is what God, in Christ, has done for us because of His love. As Saint Iraneaus has said, “the glory of God is man fully alive.” That is God’s gift to us. It is what He offers us. He invites us to return to Eden. He invites us to experience Heaven. He extends His hands with the desire to let us experience eternity in the here and now, with all of the beauty and nobility of His creation and with the everlasting joy of His Presence with us.

Thoughts on Courage

2011-11-20T22:19:00.000-06:00

I've been on a, thus far unfruitful, search for a devotional I wrote a few years ago. While on that search I came across this piece.

It's interesting to me to see where I was in 2006, when this was originally written.

Courage. Generosity. Loyalty. These are virtues that ancient peoples held in high esteem. In his book How The Irish Saved Civilization Thomas Cahill details the great impact that one man, Saint Patrick, had on an entire people. According to Cahill, “…the Irish found Patrick admirable according to their own highest standards: his courage – his refusal to be afraid of them – would have impressed them immediately; and, as his mission lengthened into years and came to be seen clearly as a lifetime commitment, his steadfast loyalty and supernatural generosity must have moved them deeply. For he had transmuted their pagan virtues of loyalty, courage and generosity into the Christian equivalents of faith, hope and charity.”

In his first letter to the Corinthian church, the Apostle Paul describes the virtue of charity, also translated as love, and states that the greatest virtue is love.

It takes real courage to love someone, and it takes great loyalty to be faithful in any relationship. In these modern times people are often selfish in their relationships. Take, for instance, “the dating game”. In their quest for romance, people go to great lengths to find that special someone who will make them feel loved and who they might possibly love in return. But the foundation of those relationships is often very selfish.

A person who goes into any sort of relationship with the goal of finding someone to make him or her feel good, or to fill some internal void, is using the other person to meet his or her own emotional and ego gratification needs. In those situations it is more often about what a person can get out of a relationship than what a person is willing to put into a relationship. Sometimes it’s mutual, nonetheless the underlying motive is selfish and the lie upon which those motives are built says “it’s all about me.” The first sentence, in the first chapter, of Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life categorically disagrees with this. He states “It’s not about you.”

When motives are selfish, and people use each other, then people become toys to one another. Toys, when they have been outgrown and become boring, are thrown away. How many relationships have ended because people got tired and bored with each other? How many have died because one or both of those involved were more focused on what they think the other person should be giving instead of on what they, themselves, were giving? Whether due to malicious intent or simple insensitivity, people become disposable. The inherent value of a person is demeaned until they are thrown into the recycle bin where perhaps someday somebody will hopefully come along and choose the disposable, dispossessed, rejected and unwanted. And, thanks be to God, Somebody has.

The Bible says that while we were in our sin God loved us and sent His only begotten Son into the world to redeem us. Scriptures, and the current blockbuster movie “The Passion of the Christ,” show us in agonizingly bloody detail, the incredibly high price that God paid for humankind. Jesus sought out the lowly, the dispossessed, the rejected and the disposable. By the life and sacrifice of Christ, God said not “it’s all about Me” but rather “it’s all about you.”

Jesus was, and always is, other-focused. His prayer in the Gospel of John, Chapter 17 verses 20-26, declares His desire for us experience the kind of oneness and love that He experienced. We are told to love each other as He has loved us. Throughout the Epistles we are given instruction on how to do this. The Apostle Paul says “Be kindly affectionate to one another in brotherly love, giving preference to one another…” (Romans 12:10). The Apostle Peter writes “…be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous…” and “…above all things have fervent love for one another, for love will cover a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 3:8; 4:8).

By being commanded to consider the other person first, we are instructed to take the attitude that “it’s not all about me”.

We are to love as Christ loves, and He gave up His life for us. To live, and love, in the same manner as Christ takes incredible courage. Loving selflessly means that we risk being thrown into the recycle bin by those with hardened hearts. It requires great generosity. If we are genuinely going to help someone else we have to be willing to step outside of our own small worlds to enter someone else’s world, where he or she is hurting and in need. And finally, it requires enduring loyalty, first to Christ, and then to each other. There is only One Person who ever loved perfectly and He was dreadfully mistreated. If He was so mistreated then we can expect the same. Without having made the decision to be loyal we won’t have what it takes to follow-through in being there for someone else.

We will never know the blessing of experiencing the answer to Christ’s prayer unless we make a committed decision to be loyal, live generously and courageously, and take the attitude “it’s NOT all about me.” But, if we will choose to turn our backs on cowardice and selfishness then we will experience what Christ prayed we’d experience…the only kind of love that can ever fill the void within our souls. Only through experientially knowing the kind of love that Christ has, and sharing that love with those around us, can the face of the world be changed…one person at a time.

It's Monday, right?

2011-07-11T13:59:00.002-05:00

This morning I met with a VP of client services for a career marketing and management agency. I was told that I'd be good as a corporate trainer or working with a lobbyist, and that I'm overqualified for most of what I've been applying for because my experience and ability lends toward being able to do my (potential) boss' job.

I don't recall ever having been pegged so well in terms of personality - a straight-shooting outgoing introvert who truly cares but has limited patience with stupidity and who really enjoys seeing the lightbulb go off in someone's head when he/she finally gets something. Um...wow... Yep. I resemble that.

I'm still slightly stunned by my morning...

My First 5K

2011-05-05T14:39:00.000-05:00

I've never been a runner. And I've never even thought of competing in any sort of sports. Since I moved to Austin, however, I have been diligently working my way toward becoming a runner. At the moment, I am doing 5 miles every week using the Galloway Method of 2 minutes of walk time with 1 minute of run time.

The last time I clocked my 5 miles, it took me a little over an hour to complete the loop, which is okay. Eventually, I hope to increase my endurance, distance and speed so that I'm running more than walking and so that it takes less than an hour to complete 5 miles.

A friend told me about a 5K race in which she was walking. I agreed to walk it with her. She's much taller than I am, with much longer legs, so walking at her pace might have been challenging had I not been doing my weekly 5 miles.

For those who don't know, of which I was one until recently, a 5K is actually 3.1 miles. I knew that, in theory, but the reality of doing this 5K race made it clear to me that I'm in better shape than I thought. The 5K actually felt pretty easy.

For a lifetime non-athlete, I think I'm free to pat myself on the back for this one.

I did a 5K. I have the shirt and number bib to prove it.

I want to do another. Then a 10K. Then maybe a half-marathon and, ultimately, a marathon.

Transitions

2011-01-04T20:56:00.000-06:00

For some the new year begins with a bang - corks exploding from champagne bottles, fireworks, and boisterous laughter. For others the new year begins with something more low key - a quiet evening at home with the family, games with the children, or a night at the movies. Not so for me. For me, the new year begins with a hard look at my stuff.

I mean that quite literally. I am moving.

I am leaving a job of ten years, at an organization for which I've worked twenty years, and from an apartment in which I've lived seventeen years, to begin life anew in a different city. I am not leaving because I found a better job. I haven't found a job. I am leaving because I have come to a place of transition.

My priorities have changed. My needs and wants have changed.

I climbed the corporate ladder, albeit in a niche industry, and made it very close to the top. I spent the last ten years as the assistant to a vice president of a 501(c)3 organization. I know what it's like to carry a lot of responsibility, have authority, and interact with people whose names are recognizable. I know what it's like to have to step up and make decisions that need to be made in a very timely manner. I know what it's like to know things before others. I know how impressive it can seem.

I no longer want that life.

I am fortunate to have a community into whom I can lean as I search for the life I want. I have been assured that, even in a new city with no job, I will have a home for as long as I need to become reintroduced to the life of my deep heart. I have heard some murmurs of what that life might look like but those are still whispers.

I expect those whispers to grow into a clear voice as I transition into my new life.

Twenty years in one place is a long time. It's a lifetime. Or half a lifetime. It will be interesting to see what this next year, not to mention the next twenty, holds.

Happy New Year!!

Does It Matter?

2010-11-24T09:44:00.000-06:00

"It doesn't matter."

How many times have I said that to myself when dealing with a painful situation? It's as though I minimize what was said or done simply so that I can make myself move forward in strength and maintain some sort of dignity in the process. Really, more than dignity, I want my power back.

In a way, saying "it doesn't matter" is like saying that the person(s) who hurt me don't matter enough in my personal world to be able to get to me ever again. It's a way of hardening the heart and devaluing the other, so that I have a kind of power over them inasmuch as it removes from them the ability to approach my heart.

Never again will the arrows of their words penetrate the armor I've placed around my heart. I will immerse my inner being in kevlar. I will make myself bulletproof. Becaues I have made myself bulletproof, it doesn't matter what is said or done by anyone else. They can't get to me ever again.

That's the thinking. It may not even be conscious thinking, but that's what's going on internally. And I am fairly certain that I'm not the only person who has this sort of self-talk. I daresay there are many of us who chant the "it doesn't matter" refrain in the hopes of eliminating heartache.

Reality is that it does matter. They do matter. If that were not the case then we wouldn't hurt.

Eldredge has this to say:

We must forgive those who hurt us. The reason is simple: Bitterness and unforgiveness are claws that set their hooks deep in our hearts; they are chains that keep us held captive to the wounds and the messages of those wounds. Until you forgive, you remain their prisoner. Paul warns us that unforgiveness and bitterness can wreck our lives and the lives of others (Eph. 4:31; Heb. 12:15). We have to let them go.

Forgive as Christ has forgiven you. (Col 3:13)

Now - listen carefully. Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling - don't try and feel forgiving. It is an act of the will. "Don't wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving," wrote Neil Anderson. "You will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made . . ." We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past, for "if your forgiveness doesn't visit the emotional core of your life, it will be incomplete." We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we choose to extend forgiveness to our father, our mother, those who hurt us. This is not saying, "It didn't really matter"; it is not saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says, "It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And I release you. I give you to God." (Captivating, 102-103)

Do you see what he said? "It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply."

What difference would it make in our lives if we actually believed that? If we actually believed that our hurts, our heartaches, matter? Not just because we feel them but because of something else. Something that speaks of value. My value. Your value. Their value.

Because there is something true there, too...

Nature Girl Makes An Appearance

2010-10-12T14:04:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I "car camped" for the first time out on the property of a friend's parents. I'm fairly unknowledgeable about camping, so the best I can figure out is that the difference between "car camping" and "camping" is the distance you drive in relation to the distance you walk/hike and haul gear. I think, and I could be wrong here, that "car camping" means you don't have to hike and haul gear far from where you park.

We did all the fun camping things - bon fire, s'mores, music. It was a special occasion for me, so I bought a tent and a sleeping bag and let my inner nature girl show up. She hasn't been out since...well, I don't remember how long it has been. I think, actually, this was a first.

I enjoyed the experience, even though I didn't sleep more than a couple of hours that night, and would like to do it again. I'm grateful that I got to experience this with such a cool group of people.

Here is a picture of everyone who camped:

An Experience

2010-06-21T09:43:00.001-05:00

My friend Karin has been asking me to blog about an experience I had recently. She was there when it happened and, I suppose, wants my perspective on it.

I am still processing through what happened that evening in Cedar Hill. I'm not going to lie and say it's all "Oooh! Aaah! Wow!" because that's a land I might visit but I've never learned to comfortably homestead there.

As part of my processing, I emailed my friend Brian and asked if he'd help me by picking my brain. Uber-busy dude that he is, he indicated he had a short window of opportunity for us to talk (to me, 30-minutes is short) so I emailed him with what I remembered from that evening.

I included my own deeply internal responses/reactions to what was happening at the time, many of which do not make me happy because they're indicative of some still existing brokenness and trust issues. If you've read previous posts on my blog, then you know that I've trod some pretty dark territory.

Having said all of that, here is a slightly modified version of the email I sent to Brian:

Let me preface the following with this: I have a pretty vivid imagination so I doubt, a lot, when stuff like this happens to me. It could just be wishful thinking, or stepping back into living in my imagination (which I did as a kid as a survival mechanism). I don't doubt that God speaks to people, and that He tells them wonderful things or shows them wonderful things about themselves. I doubt that He does that with me. That's my damage showing up. Stuff for someone else, that's business and usually fairly easy to do. Stuff for me, that's personal and another matter entirely.

So...

Thursday night the only thing that showed up for me was a really, REALLY powerful longing to go home. To just be somewhere other than this life, somewhere that love and warmth and laughter and goodness and all of those things that have been a void in my life, or an illusion, are real and solid and true. JESUS! I! WANT! TO!COME! HOME! Please...please, can I come home?

Notched that down really quickly, paid attention to Benny Perez, and got to see God electrify Renee. Posted that on FB, drove home, texted you and talked to Annette about what happened with Renee.

Friday, I had already decided I needed to be there but when Karin called me and told me that Jake Hamilton (who she and Renee had mentioned to me the previous evening as someone they knew I'd really like) was going to be leading worship I made a point of being there. We were on the front row, at the steps to the stage. I got to let loose my inner rocker chick with some yelling wide-stanced fist pumping action. It was awesome!!!

Then...

The song was about being on our faces before God and asking for His glory to come down. I knelt at the steps, face down and palms up, and sang and prayed - English and tongues - with tears starting and I had a vision. I saw the hem of His robe and his feet right before my eyes. I thought I was imagining things, shook my head and opened my eyes. Then back to having my eyes closed in prayer. Cut to black. Then, again, the hem of His robe and his feet right there. He leaned down and put his hand on my head and said, "stand up."

I stood.

Hands up, eyes closed, still singing about God's glory. Slightly rocking from side to side. I had the sense that I needed to wash my face - not literally, but symbolically - as though there were a waterfall and I let it stream into my cupped hands and poured the water from my hands over my face. So that's what I did, then back to palms up in worship. Someone put a hand on my shoulder (found out later it was Karin) . Then Tracy wrapped her arms around me, crying (I think). Then Renee joined this embrace and I could hear her say how God delights in my heart (which I had/have a hard time receiving because nobody delights in my heart, ever).

I'm unsure of the order that things happened at this point.

I would swear that Jake Hamilton started singing prophetically and that he was singing prophetically to me. There's a lot that was in what he sang that's just out of reach of what I recall.

But I definitely recall hearing "you don't have to protect yourself anymore."

I don't know whether that happened before or after the next vision. I want to say after.

So...back to the scene of me held by Tracy and Renee...

I see a desert sunrise, and the silhouette of man - Jesus - striding across the desert. The colors are white and amber and gold, so rich and shimmering, and the stride is focused and intentional. I shake my head, because I do have a vivid imagination. Cut to black. Then the vision again. A huge desert sun rising, waves of white and gold and amber shimmering in a lightening sky, Jesus in silhouette striding toward me. I think I hear, "I'm coming for you," but I'm not sure because nobody comes for me, nobody pursues me, ever. Such a thing is unheard of in all creation - that someone would come for me.

I have three almost simultaneous responses to this: 1) "Bring it. Do your worst," 2) "Crap. This is going to hurt," and 3) "Yipes!" because I don't know what it means and it's hard for me to accept how it could be anything other than painful. I'm not happy with myself for these responses. I don't like that they're there.

When I hear "you don't have to protect yourself anymore" something inside broke and I had a moment of heaving sobs. Only a moment, though.

Then everything eases, Tracy and Renee step back, the set is over and I turn to discover two boys - one is about 10 and the other about 13 - right behind me, crying, and Tracy and Renee and Karin pray over them and call out their gifts and calling in God. I joined in the prayer, but wondered about them because they were right there. Karin told me later they'd been praying for me, too.

So, we sit and listen to Banning Liebscher talk about having sustained passion for Christ. He talks about how it's become about having information and says that in order for us to have that sustained fire we need revelation. We need revelation that He loves us first so that we can respond by loving Him back. This really speaks to me because I have a lot of information - I've worked for God for 20 years, and my relationship had become almost strictly business. What I've lacked is the revelation that makes it personal. So this message is for me as much as any message is for one person. After he talks he gives an altar call and I go forward.

At the front, by the steps, again...

I feel the power of the Spirit come down. Tracy, who is standing next to me, goes down. The Spirit hovers over me. I feel the potential to go down, but He asks if this is what I want. I was surprised by the question and asked Him and myself, "do I?" only to find that I didn't. I don't need the dramatic experience to show me that it's real. I've had that. Been there on more than one occasion. What my heart is starved for is the warmth. I tell Him that I want warmth. I want the warm embrace. I want what I've never had. At least what I don't remember ever having. I feel this sense of "Aaaahhh..." come over me. Like how I would imagine it feels to lean into someone and just rest against that person. I don't know for sure, though. I don't have the real world experiences that allow me to connect the dots. I don't know, not really, what it's like to be held - safely, with strength and goodness, by someone I can just lean into. I've been embraced with the mutual comfort type of embrace. I know what that's like. But I don't know what it's like to actually lean into someone strong and safe, whose heart is genuinely for me and whose love is real. So, I can only guess at what it feels like.

Then that lifts and I turn my attention to standing guard over Tracy because she's still on the ground, surrounded by people who almost step on her, until she sits up and gets to her feet. Everything normalizes.

That's my experience.

I'm still processing it. I have a lot of questions - mostly variations of "Why?" and "What does it mean?" because, truth be told, I don't get it. I mean, I get that the experience was real and something I obviously needed, but I don't necessarily see the point. That's one of the "Why?" questions.

And maybe, just maybe, I'm trying to wrap my head around something that's supposed to be understood at the heart level.

That's another question in itself...

7/2/2010 - NOTE: As I've pondered this experience, in particular the sunrise vision of Jesus coming for me, a particular scripture has appeared on my radar. Malachi 4:2. It says: “But for you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture."

I can't help but think there might be a connection...

mYgeneration - a review in progress...

2010-05-28T16:29:00.001-05:00

A while back my friend Dave asked me to read and blog about book called mY Generation by a friend of his named Josh Riebock. Being a bit of a book addict, I happily agreed and put it very, very near the top of the stack of books I have waiting to be read. I read a LOT - for work and pleasure - so the stack is rather tall.

Originally my plan was to read the whole book and then blog about what I thought, overall, as a book review. I'm going to discard that idea.

You see, I started reading mY Generation and realize that this isn't a book one reads and analyzes. This is the sort of book that is story, which means that it's to be experienced and processed over time. All of this from having read two chapters.

Here, I'll show you what I mean...

It was Thursday evening around five o'clock, and I was in the parking lot of T.G.I.Friday's. That's that restaurant with the candy-striped awning, the sesame jack chicken strips, and the wait staff that wears pieces of flair. Justin pulled in a few seconds later in a small black car. But before that, it was Wednesday and I was at a bar, and a church service.

It sounds confusing, but it's not. It was a church service being held in a bar. That's where Justin and I met.

He's a filmmaker and has cool tattos, so I was drawn to him pretty quickly, even if it was for superficial reasons. We hit it off, and after a brief conversation, decided to get together the following week, but that stirred all kinds of anxiety in me.

I'm not an overly social person to begin with, but I find the maiden voyage of hanging out with someone, anyone, borderline insufferable. The chances of me feeling and acting both distant and awkward are very good. To avoid the slightest dash of silence, I usually talk too much, often rambling about topics of no particular significance, and I can carry on that way for months.

That's part of why it takes me so long to make lasting friendships, because I resist intimacy like the plague. I distance myself. I push people away. I keep things impersonal, which, sadly, is the way I like it.

On the Monday following the church service, my pone rang.

"Josh?"
"Yeah," I said.
"Hey man, it's Justin."
"Oh, hey, bro." (I always call people bro when I'm uncomfortable.)
"What's going on? What are you doing?" he asked.
"Nothing much, bro" (see, I did it again right there), "what about you?"
"Not too much. I was just calling to see if you could hang out sometime this week."

My chest tightened immediately. I guess I was hoping that he was merely being polite, saying that we would get together, but obviously he wasn't. Obviously, he meant it. Wanting out time together to be as nonthreatening as possible, I said, "Yeah. That'd be great. You want to grab a beer or something?"

That seemed safe enough. Lots of people. Plenty of noise. We could even sit on stools facing a wall instead of each other. What could possibly be safer than that? It seemed great, but Justin extinguished that idea.

"No, let's not do that. I'll tell you what, Josh. Don't worry about it. I'll take care of everything. Does Thursday, like around five, work for you?"

"Uh, yeah, bro," I said.

"Okay, well, let's plan on Thursday at around five o'clock. You just meet me at the T.G.I.Friday's parking lot and I"ll take care of the rest...And Josh," Justin continued, "make sure you wear a rugged pair of shoes and a pair of shorts that you don't mind getting dirty."

I hung up the phone, reflected on one of the strangest conversations I'd ever had, and pretty much became a wreck.

What have I gotten myself into? Why does this weirdo want me to wear rugged shoes? Where the heck is he taking me? Maybe I'm going to be hunted for sport.

Oh God! It's like that movie Deliverance! I think I hear that eerie banjo music now...

Maybe his name isn't even Justin...

Yeah, I was a wreck. Confused. Curious. A little freaked out. Paranoid. Bearing a deep sense of regret that I'd answered my phone at all. A wreck. And I was that way for the next few days, but I still went, and that's how I ended up in the T.G.I.Friday's parking lot on that Thursday.

I stood next to my car, shifting my weight back and forth, and biting my nails practically down to the bone. Then Justin pulled into the parking lot. I opened the passenger-side door of his small black car, sat down, fastened my seat belt, and he began driving.

"So, where are we going?" I asked.
"You'll see," Justin said with a sly smile.
"Okay."
"This is really killing you, isn't it? Ha, that's great."

Eventually, we moved out onto a stretch of scenic highway and, shortly after, Justin pulled into a lot at the base of a range of rocky cliffs, overlooking a lake.

"We're here," he said. "Come on."

He shut off the engine and got out of the car. I went with him as we walked toward a small hiking trail. Over the next fifteen minutes or so, we stepped up the side of the cliff, over stones and through the trees, finally settling at a lookout point with miles of visibility in either direction.

"I figured I could have a beer with anyone," Justin said between heavy breaths. "But, and I hope this isn't weird, I really want to get to know you, to talk to you about deeper stuff, to hear what's really going on in your heart. I guess I really want to be friends, and I think this is a great place to do that."

I didn't know what to say. I was caught off guard, and apprehensive too, and yet, I was incredibly moved. I couldn't think of another time in my life when anyone had done that for me, when I mattered more to someone than what was considered normal, when someone was willing to ignore what I was comfortable with, in order to really love me. It was one of the most loving things anyone's ever done for me.

I guess you could say that what Justin did for me reminded me of what Jesus did for so many others -- he refused to let expectations and what was considered normal get in the way of love.

"Thanks a lot, man. I'd really like that," I said.

I won't soon forget the hours that Justin and I spent on that cliff, talking about our wives, our childhoods, and God. Today, Justin is so much more than an acquaintance to me; he's a great friend, a friend of depth and intimacy, and that occasion started it all.

Do you see what I mean? This story powerfully hit some deep places in my heart.

How many times have you wanted to be brave like Justin, to just push past all the barriers that someone erects and get to know the real person?

How many times have you wanted to be chosen like Josh, to have someone disregard all the niceties in order to truly know you?

I know I've wanted to be both. I know I still do.

Consider this to be my first installment on mY Generation...

Unforgotten

2010-05-20T08:51:00.000-05:00

I haven't forgotten you, my faithful readers.

My brain has been going in several directions at once, which is a bit dizzying, so I don't really have a coherent post to share as yet.

In the meantime, there are three scriptures that I have in my face on a daily basis (because I've taped them to my computer monitor). I'm endeavoring to hold onto them and somehow get them to gap the Great Divide between my head and my heart.

They are:

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Isaiah 62:4 - Never again will you be called "The Forsaken City" or "The Desolate Land." Your new name will be "The City of God's Delight" and "The Bride of God" for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as his bride.

Habbakuk 2:3 - For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay.

Do you have any scriptures on which you are focusing in the hope that they will become alive to your heart? If so, what are they?

Random Thoughts

2010-05-05T19:56:00.000-05:00

It has been said that nature abhors a vacume. It seems to me that the spiritual life operates similarly - we will worship something, if only ourselves.

What vacume is showing up in your life?
What are you filling it with?

I had an interesting discussion with someone today. During the course of that conversation I found myself saying, "I can be the bad guy. I don't like it but I'll do it if I have to." I've done it often enough... If I'm honest I'll admit that it's disheartening to still find myself in places where I have to say that. It's not who I want to be.

What is it saying when a woman has to "man up" and be strong?

Even though several months have passed since recognizing that I have had a passive death wish since I was a really little girl, which consistently whispered to my heart that life isn't worth living, there are times when it's still a huge struggle. I so often feel like a hypocrite. Embracing life feels like such a lie sometimes. Who do I think I am to want these things, much less actually try to experience them? Better to just give up. I'm not "that" girl...never have been.

When does it become real?

I've worked for a Christian organization for 20 years. There's a question that has recently been showing up for me...

What happens to the Kingdom when Kingdom business becomes a business?

Oh...

2010-04-05T16:57:00.000-05:00

I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me. (Foreigner)

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)

For the last few months I've been asking God to cause me to delight in Him.

You see, I forgot what it's like. I forgot what it felt like to deeply delight in something or someone. I've had brief moments, lightning quick, of delight but nothing that felt truly life-giving or sustainable.

I think I know the desires of my heart, but there's been doubt there, too.

And I've been so tired.

My inner land has felt so desolate.

I have seen myself as barren.

Hollow...

Empty...

Forgotten...

But I didn't really know those things were the underpinnings of my heart's life. A couple of conversations helped me do more than intellectually acknowledge the condition of my heart.

Ideationally, I got it. I have theoretically understood love and, by extension, delight. Otherwise, I genuinely saw and knew, deeply knew, that I had forgotten delight. I couldn't recognize the experience of love, and of being loved.

Instead of trying to make myself remember, which would be my wont, I took it to God.

"Please, God, cause me to delight in You. I can't, unless You do this. I don't have it in me. I don't know how. I can't even fake it. So, God, please cause me to delight in You."

I haven't noticed a difference but others have.

"Your countenance is lighter."

"Makeup covers a multitude of ills..."

"Makeup can't make you smile more."

"Oh..."

But I have still felt barren. And desolate. And forgotten.

And I've been crying. A lot...

So I started asking God to make Isaiah 62:4 true for me. I need it actualized. More than intellectually seen and known to be true and more than some sort of transitory feeling, I want and need it made experientially real.

Because, you see, I am keenly aware that being deeply loved is something with which I have little experiential reality. I haven't known what it's really like.

This past weekend was Easter. I drove to Austin to spend the weekend with the people who, somehow, have become my True Family.

I noticed something over the weekend...

I felt warmth.

Noticed...

Wanted...

Welcomed...

Received...

Embraced...

Not for anything I could do, but for just being.

For just being...me...

Never again will you be called The Forsaken or The Desolate. Your new name will be God's Delight and The Bride of God, for the LORD delights in you and will claim you as His Bride. (Isaiah 62:4)

I felt loved.

Underneath that, delight...

Delight in God and His creation...

Oh.

So this is what it's like.

Beloved

2010-03-25T10:55:00.002-05:00

Every time I hear this song I break out into tears, with breath stealing sobs. I'm not quite sure what's up with that...

What stirs in you?

Chained Glory

2010-01-28T10:08:00.000-06:00

I wrote this a few years ago, after freelancing as a researcher and grip for a television program produced by a friend of mine. Earlier this week I rediscovered it as I was searching for something entirely different in a folder. It took me back to a place where I saw heartbreaking cruelty meet sacrificial love in a way that I will never forget.

Recently I had the privilege of visiting a big cat sanctuary. There are more than 30 tigers, lions, cougars, and other felines housed at this particular refuge. Each animal has his or her own story, most of them sad. A cougar’s former owner had tried to de-claw the cat using improper measures, a cruel act necessitating post-rescue corrective surgery. Another had her front teeth removed, which means she can’t eat the meat that is the staple of her kind. A lynx is missing an eye. More than one of the animals had been rescued from people who kept them trapped in small, filthy enclosures. All of the cats’ original owners believed they cared about these animals, but their actions proved otherwise.

As disheartening as their stories are to hear, the good thing is that these beautiful cats are now in the care of a wonderful couple who loves them all dearly. The volunteers who work with them put in long hours each day to provide for every animal there, not only in terms of food and medical care, but also with interaction and room to play. It takes a lot of love and sacrifice, daily, but each person there believes that the payoff is worth the risks. The goal is to help these animals thrive as much as possible, particularly since they will never be able to live in the freedom they were created to enjoy.

Like these amazing animals, there are those amongst us who spent their formative years imprisoned in dysfunctional and abusive environments. The hardest kind of abuse to overcome is that which is perpetrated by someone who says “I love you” but whose behavior contradicts those three special words. Whether the abuse is physical, mental, or emotional, its victims can spend the rest of their days in captivity. They too need a sanctuary, a place in which they are cared for and can heal. The comparison ends here, though, because big cats aren’t people. Animals don’t have the higher reasoning to recognize that they’re not truly living in freedom. These cats couldn’t survive in the wild even if they wanted to.

People were created in the image of God. Every individual bears the mark of His glory in his or her person. Unfortunately, as a result of the fall that glory has been chained. All of us, in one way or another, have been taken captive. Sometimes we become so accustomed to our captivity we don’t realize we’re imprisoned. We think it is natural to us, but we are mistaken.

Jesus came to provide new natures for all of us. His declaration about His ministry is one of freedom to the captives, sight to the blind, healing to the crippled. There are different kinds of cripples, just as there are different kinds of blindness. The healing that Jesus offers is for the internal cripple as much as it is the external cripple. It’s for the blinded heart as well as the blinded eye.

There are many claims that Jesus makes about Himself. He describes Himself as our Good Shepherd. He is our Great Physician, come to heal the sick and wounded. He provides us with the only water that unceasingly quenches our thirst. Ultimately, all the descriptions are summed up in one beautiful word – Savior. He saves us from our sin. He delivers us from the pits we fall into. He breaks the chains that hold us captive, cleans us up, binds our wounds and sets us on our way. He fills us with His Spirit, and pours His life out through us. He is our fortress and sanctuary, when we run to Him we are safe. Unlike our furry friends at the big cat sanctuary, since He is in and with us, we can thrive in the wild because what comes with us is everything we need. As we daily turn to Him, we find that He is there right alongside us.

Firsts

2010-01-25T13:43:00.008-06:00

I turned 44-years old on January 20th. I've heard, more times than I can count, people express astonishment when they find out that I passed the mid-thirty mark almost ten years ago. Actually, it's pretty funny to see the looks I get but I know in my bones - I'm not that young any more. The clock does have a say and there are some things in life that, once the time has passed, it's simply too late. That's just the human condition.

Be that as it may, age doesn't preclude firsts. My birthday week was bookended by a couple of personal firsts.

I got to go sledding for the first time during a long weekend with friends who live in the Wheaton area of Illinois. Unlike Texas, the residents of Illinois experience real winters. There was snow on the ground. Quite a bit, I thought. My friend Wendy, who hadn't been sledding in years, took the opportunity presented by my presence to reconnect with that aspect of her own inner child. Wendy's housemate, Jane, hadn't been sledding before either. Both Jane and I enjoyed the experience immensely, though I suspect Jane's little dog decided pretty quickly that one trip down the slopes while sitting on a plastic disc was more than enough.

I screamed and laughed like a little girl each time I went down the bunny slopes, which were within walking distance of Jane's and Wendy's house. I hope to go sledding again someday. The next time, though, I will wear boots that provide good traction.

The other first I experienced was leading the organic home church to which I belong in an evening's discussion and activity. I've never led anything. Really, I prefer to shun the spotlight. I get in a crowd of people and feel overwhelmed. I don't often say much when the group is gathered together as a whole. We can have anywhere from 15 to 30 people on any given weekend. I may join a conversation or two, and I can be quite opinionated if I'm passionate about something, but otherwise I'm shy and reserved.

The weekend I led the group there were, I believe, 23 people gathered together. That's twenty-something pairs of eyes looking at me while I directed the group toward the goal we hoped to accomplish that evening - a goal which had sprung from my heart. Have I mentioned that I'd rather shun the spotlight and hadn't ever led anything before? I had help that evening, co-leaders for whom I will always be grateful, but the bulk of leading that evening's discussion fell on my shoulders.

I struggled with thoughts of "oh crap, what have I gotten myself into?" and feelings of unease but I managed to put those aside and stay focused on what everyone needed from me. And it all turned out fine.

Recently I was told, "It's time." I am not quite sure what to do with that but I'm sure it includes more firsts for me.

Theme for 2010

2010-01-06T10:01:00.002-06:00

With the start of a new year there's this push to anticipate the future and work toward transformation in the form of resolutions or vision maps. Some people have discussed the idea of choosing a theme for their year.

I decided I like the idea of having a theme word for 2010. Something to hold in my heart as an area where, hopefully, my life's landscape is nurtured.

Here is the word I settled on:

communion [kəˈmjuːnjən]
n
1. an exchange of thoughts, emotions, etc.
2. possession or sharing in common; participation
3. (foll by with) strong emotional or spiritual feelings (for) communion with nature
4. (Christianity / Ecclesiastical Terms) a religious group or denomination having a common body of beliefs, doctrines, and practices
5. (Christianity / Ecclesiastical Terms) the spiritual union held by Christians to exist between individual Christians and Christ, their Church, or their fellow Christians
[from Latin commūniō general participation, from commūnis common]

Merry Christmas!!

2009-12-25T08:57:00.001-06:00

Joy to the World , the Lord is come!
Let earth receive her King;
Let every heart prepare Him room,
And Heaven and nature sing,
And Heaven and nature sing,
And Heaven, and Heaven, and nature sing.

Joy to the World, the Savior reigns!
Let men their songs employ;
While fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat, repeat, the sounding joy.

No more let sins and sorrows grow,
Nor thorns infest the ground;
He comes to make His blessings flow
Far as the curse is found,
Far as the curse is found,
Far as, far as, the curse is found.

He rules the world with truth and grace,
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders, wonders, of His love.

May God's abiding love permeate your heart this day and every day to come!

The Intersection

2009-11-23T13:02:00.001-06:00

Please check out The Intersection when you have a chance. There's all sorts of awesome stuff to be found there.

Are You Ready For Christmas?

2009-11-19T13:15:00.003-06:00

As we head toward Christmas, I thought I would post this piece, written during last year's holiday season, for your reading pleasure. May it bless and challenge you. Enjoy!

“For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us;
and the government will rest on His shoulders; And His
name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6)

Once, in a time and place far distant from the here and now, a promise was made. The One who made the promise was, is and shall ever be Excellent, True, Merciful, Omniscient and Omnipotent. He promised to send a Rescuer to His people. And so the people hoped.

Generations were born and died. People were conquered and taken into captivity within their own land. Time continued to pass and the people continued to hope.

They looked forward to the day the Promise would come to pass. They imagined what it would be like when the Rescuer came. They pictured a great warrior enrobed in shining garments, carrying mighty weapons, riding a powerful war steed into battle and decimating their enemies.

Hundreds of years had passed since the time the Promise was made and the people continued to anticipate the Advent - the coming of the Rescuer.

On one starlit night, in the fullness of time, an emissary appeared to an innocent young girl and declared, “The Rescuer is coming and you will give birth to Him.” The girl, while puzzled by how this could happen since she was as innocent and pure as a virgin could possibly be, accepted the emissary’s decree and rejoiced. “I am blessed among all women,” she said.

The girl gave birth to a Son. He was not born into a home of wealth or privilege. He did not spend His days enrobed in shining garments, carrying mighty weapons and riding a powerful war steed into battle. He did not decimate the people’s enemies in any predictable way. He didn’t look like the Rescuer they had envisioned.

But He was the Promised Rescuer. He came in a way that was most unexpected and did things that spoke to the people of something far greater than powerful steeds and shining robes. The Rescuer was a mystery that had been unraveled and a miracle that had been seen. He still is. He will appear again.

To the modern mind, such a story sounds rather like a fairy tale. To the Christian, it sounds like the story of Jesus.

Jesus - born to a virgin, in a manger, surrounded by straw, stench, animals and shepherds.

Jesus - grew to manhood as the child of a humble blue collar worker and lived a life of absolute perfection.

Jesus - took the transgressions of the world on Himself and paid the ultimate penalty for you and me.

During the holiday season it’s easy to focus attention on the Nativity, but many churches first spend several weeks focusing on the Advent. This season is a time where we ready ourselves to celebrate the anniversary of Jesus’ birth in a manner truly reflective of who He is and what He has done for us.

Consider this: Jesus’ own people, who had waited for His arrival for many generations, didn’t recognize Him when He walked in their midst. They weren’t truly prepared for Him. In particular, the ones who should have been ready - the religious leaders of the time - didn’t see Jesus as the long-awaited Messiah that He was and is. Instead of being prepared for Him, they made themselves His adversaries.

It’s a rather cautionary tale for those of us walking the earth today. So, what are we to do about it? We prepare and we celebrate.

We “make ready the way of the Lord, make His paths straight.” (Mark 1:3)

We “repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.” (Matthew 3:2)

We “pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord.” (Hebrews 12:14)

We care for those who are needy and in distress, giving joyfully and keeping ourselves unstained by the world. (James 1:27; 2 Corinthians 9:7)

We remember the angel’s words, “Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” (Luke 2: 10-11)

We “celebrate the feast, not with old leaven, nor with the leaven of malice and wickedness, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth.” (1 Corinthians 5:9)

Most importantly, we remember that there is another Advent. Jesus promised to return. He is coming for a Bride who is spotless and without blemish. Furthermore, He has promised to make us that Bride who is spotless and without blemish. He forgives and cleanses us from all sin and unrighteousness every time we confess our sins. He is faithful and righteous to do that, every time. (1 John 1:9)

Death, life, angels, demons, the present, the future, height, depth - nothing will be able to separate us from the love of God! (Romans 8:38-39)

Maranatha! Come, Lord Jesus!

This Week
Rejoice that the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world, was born. Be grateful that God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes will have eternal life. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you repent and prepare for Christ’s return.

Prayer
“Lord, my heart is filled with joy and gratitude for the great gift of salvation. Thank you so much! Please, grant that I would, by the power of the Holy Spirit, live repentantly and be prepared for Your return. Amen.”

See original post on the Words of LIFE site.

Life in Paradox (Part 3)

2009-10-23T12:09:00.002-05:00

God: "Just be yourself and don't worry about it."
Me: "What? What did you say?"
God: "Just be yourself and don't worry about it."
Me: "That is not helpful."

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I'm a curious sort of person. By that, I mean I can get inquisitive. When I am on a roll, I ask questions and ponder and dig and ask more questions and do more pondering and then, well, dig some more.

Several years ago, I asked God how He sees me. He showed me a white bulldog puppy, adorned with a very big pink bow, whose attention was focused on a chew toy. That puppy was tenacious about the chew toy. She would gnaw on it then lay down for a nap, keeping one paw on the chew toy while she napped. Then she would get up and pace circles around the chew toy, paw it for a bit then gnaw some more, then she would lie still for a while and stare at the chew toy. Over and over again.

After objecting to the great pinkness of the bow, I had to laugh because that is an accurate portrait of how I get when I'm into something. Bulldoggedly tenacious. Until I get bored, that is. When I get bored with something then time's up. I lose all interest.

I'm that way with the online world. I find a website and look around to see what I can see. I click on available links to see where they lead. One never knows what will be discovered by following links. That's how I found my online tribe.

I'd discovered a networking site affiliated with Ransomed Heart Ministries and made some connections there. While doing that, I found a link on someone's page and followed it. That led me to an online group of people, a tribe.

The tribe's description was enough to make me stand up on the inside and shout, "YES!!" I had been looking for a group of people like this for years.

Here's the tribe's description:

* You are desperately & authentically in love with Jesus.
* You have gone "all in" with God--fully surrendered, fully engaged.
* You will not let him go. Period.
* You know Grace.
* You have experienced supernatural transformation.
* You have transcended all the petty and ridiculous lines of division in the Church.
* You hate religion--more specifically, the religious spirit.
* You befriend--and do life with--non Christ Followers.
* You know God has called you into a Larger Story, a bigger and much scarier life, and you have said yes.
* You will do anything he asks of you.
* You are committed to the dual ambition of ever-deepening intimacy with God and to the bold expansion of his Kingdom in the world.
* You know that this is war.
* You ache with the beauty & wonder & majesty of life...and see the glory & splendor God has woven into every human soul.
* You want to join with others who have crossed the line from "safe" Christianity into the realm of the Dangerous, Radical Free.

After much internal debate, I decided to join the Dangerous Radical Free tribe.

It has been a gift to me. Connections made on the DRF site led to Facebook connections and Twitter connections. Online relationships have translated into real-world relationships. I've enjoyed wonderful phone conversations and have met tribe members face-to-face.

None of it has been easy.

It's a lot easier to show up as myself in the online world. I don't see the widened eyes and flared nostrils of someone whose toes I might have accidentally stepped on. I don't see the glazed look of incomprehension that shows up when I say something that makes complete sense to me but which nobody else gets. I don't see the offended glare of someone whose nose gets out of joint when I leapfrog over their thinking process to reach a conclusion about something. There's a kind of anonymity that comes with online connections, so I feel safer being authentic there.

I have trust and rejection issues. Sizeable ones. Stepping out and connecting with people, showing up as my real self, taking online connections offline...all of it is pretty scary to me.

Still, God told me at the beginning of the year to be myself and not worry about it. I'm doing okay with the being myself part. Not great, but okay.

I'm not doing so well with the "don't worry about it" part. I do worry about it. I worry that I'll do something or say something incredibly stupid. Or maybe I'll cross the line with someone and not realize it until it's too late. Or I could hurt someone's feelings. Or I could...

There are lots of things I could do wrong if I show up as myself. But I've been doing it anyway, even though I constantly second-guess.

Part of "doing it anyway" is showing up at a home church that meets in Austin every other week. Some of the group's members are also members of the DRF tribe. That's how I got involved with them in the first place. DRF to Facebook to the offline world.

It costs me to meet with this group of people. It's a three hour trip from here to there. But it has been worth it.

This group of people has made me feel welcomed and wanted. I don't often feel welcomed and wanted, so it's a big deal to me. They really seem to care about what's going on in my inner world, even when I don't want to share. They're willing to press past my defenses to get to the real me. I'm learning to feel safe in this group. I'm learning that it really is okay to just be myself.

In a previous post I mentioned how God loves me too much to leave me alone, trapped in a life of isolation and darkness. I can see His fingerprints on the connections I've made with this group of people who have welcomed me into their homes and lives.

I also mentioned how Satan has a plan for my life, a plan to keep me trapped in a life of isolation and darkness.

I didn't recognize it until recently but every time I'm about to make the trip to Austin all of the insecurities I battle rise to the surface. All of my fears and rejection issues come alive, screaming at me to stay hidden. Then, once I've gotten home from a trip, it all comes back again. Fear rises up, shouting at me that I'm crazy for doing this, announcing that the people with whom I just spent considerable time are going to reject me because rejection is inevitable. Everything I did or said that could be taken in a negative light traipses across my inner screen, taunting me.

It's a freaking war zone.

Today I spoke with someone who asked me why I still struggle with the "don't worry about it" part of God's instructions. That "why" question hadn't even entered my mind until she asked. I was too busy focusing on the "just be yourself" part.

While I think there are several answers to the "why" question, there is one answer that stands out the most.

It IS a war zone. Satan still has a plan for my life and will work to fulfill it, just like God is working to fulfill HIS plan for my life. Looking at it from that perspective, I can see that all of the doubts and fears and wounds I have are targeted by the enemy of my soul. He punches them, hard, trying to undermine what God is doing in my life. He throws thoughts at me, hoping I'll believe them and take them as my own. He stirs the pot, working on my emotions, trying to cause me to crater into despair.

I've cratered before. It wasn't pretty. I'm still cleaning up the mess that was made when that happened.

Satan knows this. So does God. So do I.

So, what is the best thing I can do with all of the above?

I can just be myself and NOT WORRY ABOUT IT! I can accept the love and community that is offered by this wonderful group of people with whom I've connected. I can recognize that this life is a war zone and everyone is broken. I can celebrate the fact that, in the midst of all the fear and torment and heartache and crap, God's love is real and true and bigger than anything else.

So, maybe I do feel feelings of darkness. Maybe I get scared, really scared, every time I am going to let down my boundaries and show up as myself. Maybe I am scared that I'll get hurt, or feel rejected, or embarrass myself.

All of those feelings are real. But they are not necessarily true.

The truth is this: I can step out in all of my broken, messy, quirky, weird, obnoxious splendor and there are those who will genuinely embrace me. The broken, messy, quirky, weird, obnoxious stuff doesn't make me less acceptable. It makes me human. There's beauty in the mess.

That's why I can, in spite of what feelings show up, just be myself and not worry about it. I may not do it well, but that's not really the point. The point is that I'll do it.

That's the paradox - beauty in the mess.