A Grown Up MarriageA Grown Up Marriage

Women’s Beauty and Sex, They Both Sell

2013-04-19T16:22:40Z

Dove’s “Real Beauty” ad campaign has been making the rounds on Facebook and Twitter recently.

I really liked what the blog little drops shared in regard to Dove’s campaign.

While I am not female I do think that there is one issue here that affect men and women differently and that issue is society’s influence on our perception of ourselves and others. It seems to me that society’s influence convinces many women that they aren’t beautiful if they do not fit the pushed image of beauty. I really liked that the little drops blog post showed the hypocrisy of the campaign. At the same time the image they’re pushing is being used to sell things to both women and men.

I am under no allusion that Dove is doing this because the believe they are doing God’s work in uplifting women. No, they’re doing it to sell more soap. They’re message is: You’re already beautiful so you should be using Dove soap.

As the little drop blog post also points out, Unilever owns both Dove and Axe. If you’ve seen any of the Axe ads you’ll probably agree with the little drop blog that they’re some of the most sexually objectifying of women on TV. Basically the selling point to men is that if you use the Axe product you’ll have stereotypical beautiful women falling at your feet with uncontrollable desire.

So, the same company is using one ad campaign that “claims” to be expanding the definition of “real beauty” to sell soap and using the narrowly defined beauty image in another ad campaign to sell deodorant.

So, what does this have to do with marital sex? I think a lot. These definitions of beauty that society pushes changes our perception of ourselves and the person to whom we are married. We’ve allowed companies like Unilever to have a greater impact on how we view ourselves and our spouse than we’ve allowed our spouse or even God to make that impact.

That can’t be good…

Personal Callings and Personal Convictions

2013-04-11T18:21:20Z

I have friends who have been called to the mission field. It is their God ordained calling and I admire their faith and their service. Although I admire them, I am not called to their calling. God has other callings for me that require faith and service as well. Now, I could compare myself to them, or they could compare themselves to me, and we might decide that their calling is more important or more holy. If we were to make that judgement we would be wrong. Their calling is neither more important nor more holy. It is only more public.

It is very easy to fall into the trap of believing that what God has called for me is God’s best and anyone that isn’t called in the same manner isn’t living God’s best. It is also easy to do this in other areas of our Christian life. I call these things personal callings or personal convictions. A personal calling is some work that God has called you to do. To a certain degree I feel this blog is part of what God has called me to do. I don’t think He’s called every Christian blog about marriage nor do I believe my calling is more important or holy than others’ callings. The body of Christ is made of of may parts. Each part is important. We cannot all be the same.

The more difficult issue is the personal conviction. A personal conviction is a conviction that God has placed on you personally. For example there are those that believe that kissing before marriage is a path toward sexual immorality and choose not to kiss before they are married. That is an extra-biblical personal conviction. Personal conviction aren’t a bad thing. Usually, like the above kissing example, they have are a personal rule to keep us out of trouble because we know our own limitations.

The problem arises when we hold others to our own extra-biblical personal convictions. While we know our own limitations we don’t know the limitations of others. They have to make their own decisions and choose their own personal convictions base on their own limitations.

Examine your personal callings and personal convictions and see if you’re holding others, particularly your spouse, to your personal standard.

It Takes More Than a, Yes…

2013-02-14T15:56:09Z

On this Saint Valentine’s Day I’m going to write about duty sex. No, it’s not a very romantic topic, but, many of you are giving it or are receiving it so I thought I write about it. We talk a lot about intimacy and how true intimacy, allowing one’s true self to be known, can be intimidating and duty sex is one of the many ways a lack of intimacy reveals itself in your marriage bed. What is duty sex? Basically it’s the physical act of sex without the emotional or spiritual intimacy. It’s doing your physical duty without living up to your spiritual duty. It’s devoid of emotion, charity, and self or, if there is an emotion, it’s a grudging tolerance. In other words, it’s very unsatisfying for the receiver and it does nothing to enhance the giver either.

Why do people resort to duty sex? Keeping the letter of the law while ignoring the Spirit of the law. In other words, they don’t want to be accused of refusing their spouse sex but they don’t want to be accused of anyone actually enjoying the act either. I’ve heard it described as allowing one’s body be used by their spouse as a masturbatory device.

The sexual union to be fulfilling must move beyond just the physical and must reach into the emotional whether that emotion is loving tenderness or red hot passion. It’s more than just saying, “Yes.” It’s sometimes being the one to initiate. It’s being present and engaged. It’s about offering yourself and your sexuality to your spouse and not just your body. It’s about being known and getting to know your spouse better.

In other words, real sex, non-duty sex, is for grown ups.

Are You Wooable?

2013-01-23T12:33:29Z

I’ve been a member of The Marriage Bed Forum (TMB) since July of 2004. I think it’s a good community of believers committed to promoting Christian marriage. It’s a Christian forum on sex so it is also well moderated, which is what also makes it a good community.

Very often a newbie will give marriage 101 advice to a veteran member of the board. By the time people find their way to TMB forums they’ve usually already tried the dress sexier, do the dishes bit already. So, giving “woo your spouse” advice to a veteran TMB member is like telling Albert Pujols to keep his eye on the baseball. That’s advice you give a Little Leaguer not a Major League MVP. In other words, they’ve already tried wooing their spouse, what they’re looking for is advice that will actually work on a spouse that isn’t wooable.

As I mentioned in my last post This Isn’t a Sex Blog… they’re often being as unwooable as their spouse but in a different way. So, the first order of business is decide what you want, need and desire from your marriage and your spouse. The second order of business is the find out what your spouse’s wants, needs and desires are from your marriage and you. With that information you are then prepared to begin a process that moves you, your spouse and your marriage in a direction that gives you both what you want, need and desire.

There will likely be some conflict in moving in that direction particularly if one wants more of something and the other wants less of that same something. Marriage is a growing machine. The idea here is to build a more intimate, happier, healthier marriage based on strong Biblical principles. If everyone agrees that that is the idea then these issues of conflict should be handled with the idea of more intimacy, not less; a happier marriage, no unhappier; a healthier marriage, not unhealthier; a Biblical marriage, not unbiblical.

Basically each of you need to become more wooable to you spouse’s wants, needs and desires and each of you need to be willing to share what you really want, need and desire from your spouse and your marriage. That is what intimacy is, being known.

So, just how wooable are you in a way your spouse would like?

This Isn’t a Sex Blog…

2013-01-18T15:01:56Z

it’s a marriage blog.

There are a number of reasons that I write so much about sex. First, I’m a married man that enjoy sex with my wife. Second, sex is what differentiates marriage from every other relationship. Two perfectly healthy individuals married but not having sex might as well be roommates sharing expenses. Third, and probably most importantly, sex, being exclusive to marriage, is the aspect of marriage that reveals our intimacy issues more than any other aspect of the marital relationship. Therefore, the sexual relationship reveals the areas in our life where we need to grow intimately.

I don’t think it was a mistake that Paul used the marital relationship to describe Christ’s relationship to the Church. I believe that the relationship between each believer individually and collectively with Christ is to be an intimate (not just sex) relationship.

There are things that we want to share with our spouse and there are things that our spouse wants to share with us and those things usually aren’t the same. It goes something like this, the higher drive spouse for sex has trouble being emotionally vulnerable with their sexually lower drive spouse because they don’t feel sexually connected to them. All the while the higher drive spouse for emotional connection has trouble being physically vulnerable (sexual) with their sexually higher drive spouse because they don’t feel emotionally connected to them. Do you see what is happening here? One spouse needs the other to provide sex to feel emotionally connected while the other needs the emotional connection to be vulnerable sexually.

Opposites do attract. I think it’s for a reason. Marriage reveals our weaknesses. For marriage to improve and grow we all need to work on our weaknesses. In my marriage I needed to learn to be more emotionally vulnerable and connected to my wife and my wife needed to work on some of her weaknesses for our marriage to improve. We’re never done learning or growing.

Now back to Paul’s analogy of marriage between Christ and His Church. God already knows us. We can’t hide anything from him, though we fool ourselves into believing otherwise. Our relationships with others are used to identify where we need to grow in relationship to our intimacy with Him. So, what do you think you’re hiding from your spouse?

Guest Post Today at Hot, Holy and Humorous

2013-01-07T14:47:47Z

I’m guest posting today over at Hot, Holy and Humorous on Sexual Appetite. It’s probably not exactly what you think…

Why Don’t Women Need Sex?

2013-01-18T14:22:31Z

J’s post Does Sexy Lingerie Promote a Perverted View of Beauty? got me to thinking about perceived differences between men and women. Honestly, it actually began with two posts by Pastor Bob Russell, Wives, Help Your Husbands Stay Pure! (1 Corinthians 6-7) and Husbands, Help Your Wives Stay Pure!, but J’s post is what prompted me to write this. For the record I think J’s and Brother Russell’s posts are good and don’t disagree with them as it they written for particular audiences.

In J’s post she share the following from a male reader:

However, the most significant reason for her distaste, and the most troubling, is that she equates lingerie with the culture of porn, strippers, and unrealistic expectations of female beauty. She feels that by wearing such things she’s trying to reach some unattainable standard of perverted beauty that plays in the fantasies of men.

I added a comment to the post because when I read the quote above the first question that entered my mind was, what’s the difference between a wife wearing lingerie for her husband, and a husband sending his wife flowers? Isn’t each is an expression of… something? So, I put the shoe on the other foot with this:

However, the most significant reason for his distaste, and the most troubling, is that he equates flowers and romance with the culture of romance novels, unrealistic heroes, and a wife’s unrealistic expectations for romance. He feels that by giving flowers he’s trying to reach some unattainable standard of perverted romance that plays to the romantic fantasies of women.

If you go back and read Bro. Russell’s posts you’ll find that within each of his posts he has an individual that prompted the post. In the post to husband’s it was a Pastor who had committed adultery. In the post to wives it was a wife who, “admitted to being sexually neglected.” However, Bro. Russell takes two different trails to basically the same issue, sexual neglect. For the husband’s he uses a scripture that we’re familiar with here at AGUM as it’s one we’ve used, 1 Cor. 7. For the wives he uses another scripture, Ephesians 5, where men care commanded to love their wife as Christ loves the church. Now, I don’t take issue with Brother Russell’s admonition to men but I do wonder what is wrong with using the same scripture, 1 Cor. 7, as he did when he wrote to the husbands as it speaks directly about sex and that was the sexually neglected wife’s reason for contacting him.

So, you’re probably thinking at this point, what do these three blog posts have to do with the title of this blog post. Well I’ll tell you. I think that Brother Russell makes the mistake that the church has been making for centuries, he treats sex different based on gender. He shouldn’t. A spouse’s need to feel desired is not a matter of gender. Men have more testosterone and that does do things to them but some women have needs that are more readily associated with men. Things like being visual or just being horny. There aren’t hard and fast rules for this stuff. Every person is different which makes every marriage different as well.

So, to the question, “Why don’t women need sex?” They do! It’s time that the church accept the fact that a happy, healthy marriage includes two individuals that need intimacy fulfillment and that includes physical intimacy. It’s not a matter of gender. It never has been.

Honorinig God With Our Bodies

2012-09-25T12:14:43Z

Churches today teach a lot about sexual purity to young people. They teach half the truth, the part about not having sex, but are afraid to teach the whole truth. The rest of the story is that once you are married sexual purity changes from having no sex to having enough sex.

1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (NIV)
Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

We’ve looked at these verses before when we wrote about Sex and the Good Samaritan. This scripture makes it clear that we each owe a debt to our spouse of a fulfilling sex life. We owe them this because we chose to marry them. If we didn’t want to have sex with them, then we should not have married them. If we don’t want to have sex with anyone then, according to the Apostle Paul (verse eight), we shouldn’t marry at all. This is the part the church leaves out. To remain “sexually pure” after marriage one must have enough sex.

Now, about the language of “sexual purity.” “Sexual purity” is a loaded term. Why? Because before marriage “sexual purity” means, no sex, and after marriage it’s contradicted into, enough sex. The problem is the church doesn’t really teach the second part of this so all the young people get is that having sex before you are marriage makes you impure. Not a huge jump from that to, “sex is impure” which is something that scripture does not teach. Is it any wonder we’re seeing such sexual issues in marriages when the church seems afraid to teach the full Truth of scripture?

The other issue with the term “sexual purity” and how that’s singularly defined, having no sex before marriage, is it can make “purity” a works based exercise instead of a God honoring exercise. Let me put it this way, who of you wants to be impure, please raise your hand? So, do we remain “sexually pure” to honor God or because we do not want to be impure for ourselves? “Sexual purity” seems to be based to me on not doing something instead of focusing on honoring God and His Word. Remember, we’re talking about how young people and, therefor, young Christians might interpret what they are being taught.

I think it is very interesting what immediately preceeds these versus in chapter six of 1 Corinthians:

1 Corinthians 6:18-20 (NIV)
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

Paul talks about fleeing sexual immorality to honor God. He goes right from fleeing sexual immorality into discussing a solution to the problem of sexual immorality other than fleeing it, sex within God’s plan, marriage.

It seems to me that the church could be doing a better job preparing young people for the sexual challenges that face them. What are your thoughts?

What Works in Making a Better Marital Relationship

2012-09-13T15:21:04Z

I’ve been married over 20 years and I’m still learning. You never stop learning… or growing. The questions that comes up a lot is,“How do I improve my marriage?” First, let me say that there is a TON of information out there about this and much of it is worthless tripe that has about a 12.5% (made that number up on the spot) chance of working for your marriage. If you really think that telling a wife whose husband isn’t interested in sex to dress sexier is great advice or if you believe that do more housework is great advice for a husband whose wife is disinterested in sex then you haven’t been paying much attention recently. While those may work in a very few cases it is not likely to work in the vast majority of cases in my experience. A wife with a disinterested husband dressing sexier is more likely to get her scorn than sex and a husband doing more housework will likely be viewed as something he should be doing anyway and not the aphrodisiac he had hoped (see Sheila Greoire’s post Why Your Husband Won’t Meet Your Needs linked to below).

So, what works? First, you need identify the issues by doing an examination of your marriage. What are the issues that you feel need to be addressed? If your spouse is willing let them weigh in on this as well. In fact it works best when you are both willing to work together through all of this.

Second, and MOST importantly, you need to do a self examination asking what you do to contribute to the problems in the marriage. It’s amazing what we will choose accept from our spouse (That’s Unacceptable. I’ll Take It!) that we wouldn’t accept from others. In other words, are you enabling poor behavior in your spouse for the sake of peace in the marriage (When the Price of Peace Gets Too High)?

Also, what are you not doing in your marriage that you know you should be doing? Are you withholding from your spouse something that they need/want/desire because they aren’t providing what you want/need/desire? Let me ask you something, how’s that working out for ya? Let me point out that you do not get what you need/want/desire by withholding what your spouse needs/wants/desires. Now, it is also true that you might not get what you need/want/desire by providing what your spouse needs/wants/desires. There is no guarantee but, at least, you will be doing what you know to be right in the relationship.

Sheila Wray Gregoire recently posted something on this point that both husbands and wives should read, Why Your Husband Won’t Meet Your Needs. Wives Sheila suggests that you are more likely to get what you need/want/desire by providing your your husband’s needs/wants/desires. Men, if you haven’t figured it out yet, women are much more complicated than we are which means you’ll have to talk to her about all of this.

Are you healthy? Mentally, emotionally, physically healthy? If the answer is no, then you need to be doing something about it. We marry for better or for worse, in sickness and in health with the understanding that we will work for better and healthy. Seriously, get the help you need to get healthy whatever that takes and whatever that means. You owe it to your spouse, to your marriage, and to yourself.

After making these evaluations of your marriage and of yourself it is time to do something different. If you continue to do what you’ve been doing you will continue to get what you’ve been getting. It is time to change how you relate to your spouse. Stop accepting the unacceptable. Do all of this with love, respect and understanding. Give to your spouse generously. Become a student of your spouse and give them what they need/want/desire as much as it is within your ability. Let your spouse know what you are up to and why you are doing it.

Remember, the only one in your marriage that you can control is yourself and the only one that you can change in marriage is yourself. By making changes to yourself and the way that you respond to your souse you will be making a change to the dynamic in your marriage which can actually foster change in your spouse’s behavior as well. You are NOT doing this to manipulate your spouse to change into what you want them to be. You are doing these things because they are the right thing to do for your spouse, your marriage, and yourself. Evaluating the relationship’s issues, examining your contribution to those issues, and then working out a God honoring plan to address how you contribute to the issues in your marriage is a step toward maturity.

Feeling Pressured?

2012-09-06T17:12:56Z

Recently there was a discussion on a particular forum about pressure in marriage. Now the context of this pressure was that no one should do something they don’t want to do because they feel pressured. Well, I didn’t quite agree with that. See, my love for my wife makes me feel pressured to do things that I do not want to do all of the time. If my wife wants me to go to the grocery with her and I don’t want to go to the grocery I feel pressured to do it because I want to please my wife. When we’re somewhere we can dance I dance with my wife. It means more to her than it does to me but I’m not going to be that guy who won’t dance with his wife.

If reasonable desires, expectations, wants, and needs of your spouse do not make you feel pressured to meet them then there is a very good chance that you are in fact a stubborn, immature, selfish, jerk. The pressure that I feel when my wonderful wife asks me to go to the grocery with her comes from a desire to please her, and to demonstrate to her that I care for her and her desires, expectations, wants, and needs. If I did not care about her desires, expectations, wants, and needs the I would just stay home every time she asked.

Now there are types of pressure that we can place on our spouse that aren’t loving or respectful. Things like manipulation, coercion, and mind-games. This type of pressure isn’t the kind that I’m talking about. The kind I’m talking about is when your spouse asks you for something they would like and you feel “pressured” to give it to them. Just asking you is an act of intimacy, revealing one’s self, at its very core. Is the pressure coming from our spouse’s reasonable request or is it coming from somewhere else? I think the answer is somewhere else or even the stubborn, immature, selfish, jerk would feel the pressure. I think it’s because we know the good that we ought to do.

James 4:17 (NIV84)
Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, sins.

The bottom line is that the pressure is created within me to do what I know to be the right thing for my wife, whether that’s going to the grocery or dancing. So, why blame our spouse for “pressuring” us when it is in fact our love for them and a desire to please them that is causing the pressure?

What is wrong with this type of pressure?

When the Price of Peace Gets Too High

2012-08-16T15:55:38Z

What is the price you are paying for peace within your marriage? What part of yourself do you hide from your spouse to keep the peace in your marriage? What portion of your integrity are you selling out? Is it worth the price?

We’ve all done it. We all hold back because to not do so costs us peace within our marriage. We’ve all hidden. We’ve all been less than forthcoming. We’re holding back something. Why do we do it? For peace. The cost? Two things come to mind, the first is of course intimacy (being known), and the second is our integrity.

I’ve done it. Recently. Eventually the price got too high. What I wanted, more intimacy, wasn’t worth the price I was paying, less intimacy and my integrity. What I wanted was a big deal to me but I didn’t share it out of concern of how my wife would respond to what I wanted. I love my wife. She’s a good wife, mother and person. So, why was I afraid? It was a challenge for more intimacy and sometimes those challenges aren’t met well in the best of marriages. Making changes can be difficult.

It turned out better than I imagined. We had a discussion. I’m still not sure if the specific intimacy I wanted will come about but the price I was paying in less intimacy in my marriage is no longer being paid and I do feel better from a personal integrity standpoint about addressing my issue with my wife. She now knows where I stand and it produced a good discussion between the two of us on the issue.

So, in the end, my wife’s reaction wasn’t the blow to peace that I had imagined it might be. She could have chosen to make it difficult but she chose not too. Kudos to her.

Had my wife chosen the other path, to make my decision to introduce this challenge a more difficult one, it had the ability to change the currency of peace within our marriage. In other words, had she chosen to make my intimate revelation more difficult this time it may have influenced future attempts to make intimate revelations to her. So, it speaks well of my wife that she handled it the way she did and it speaks well of the future health of our marriage that we can bring these things to one another without destroying the peace within our marriage.

Now if you are married to a stubborn, immature, selfish jerk they may choose to make it more difficult on you so they don’t have to face these intimate challenges. As we’ve learned from Dr. David Schnarch, (aff link) People Who Cannot Control Themselves Control the People Around Them (Part 2 of the article) and People Have Sex Within The Limits of Their Development. So, the peace in the relationship becomes a currency of control in the marriage.

When people can’t modulate their own anxieties and insecurities, one partner’s options and priorities are sacrificed on the alter of the other’s fears, whether those options are a new baby, a new job, or new sexual behavior.
~Dr. David Schnarch

What are you holding back from your spouse? Is peace something you’re using as a currency of control in your marriage? When does the price you’re paying in intimacy and integrity get too high?

Control or Intimacy, You Can’t Have Both

2012-07-05T12:41:24Z

A quote I read recently attributed to Laura Boyle made some things click for me.

Control and intimacy are opposites. I can have one or the other, not both.
~Laura Doyle

This quote clarified how Dr. David Schnarch’s (affiliate link) articles People Have Sex Within The Limits of Their Development, People Who Can’t Control Themselves Control The People Around Them and People Who Can’t Control Themselves Control The People Around Them Part 2 are interrelated. When the intimacy your spouse is suggesting is beyond your development you seek to control them or, as a friend so succinctly put it, “Controlling others controls the terms of the relationship. People can only be intimate as far as their personal freedom (development) allows.”

I like that my friend used the word “freedom” because that’s really what we’re talking about. Are you free to be completely intimate or are you in bondage to your own anxieties about being completely intimate?

When people can’t modulate their own anxieties and insecurities, one partner’s options and priorities are sacrificed on the alter of the other’s fears, whether those options are a new baby, a new job, or new sexual behavior.
~Dr. David Schnarch

This is what makes personal growth so important. When we choose to hang onto our insecurities and anxieties we’re not only placing ourselves in bondage we are also placing our spouse and our marriage into that same bondage.

Now, the really important part. IF people are intimate to the level of their development and IF people who cannot control themselves control those around them, where does that leave their intimacy with God? How are they controlling God? What deception are they hanging onto to justify their lack of intimate development with their spouse, their family, their friends but, most importantly, with God?