A Hag Supreme

Gays For GaGa - A TRUE Hag Supreme!

2010-09-20T14:17:00.005-04:00

Shello Bitches!

We just can't deny our devotion to the High Priestess of Posterity, Our Lady of the Gays (yes, me) but also, Miz Lady GaGa. Today, the Huff-Po-Po reports she's taking her tanned, taut tushie all the way up to Maine to rally and repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in the trenches with the military 'mos and Maine's potters and plaid-clad bears.

I'm EXTREMELY fortunate in that this week, one of my leading mens, my darling Deacon, has volunteered to share his five bucks (bitch ain't cheap) on the subject. He's a fucking genius, so you're best served by committing to the whole damn thing.

Read on for a big fat WERD UP:

I’m not at all opposed to a star being controversial through their art, in fact, without the help of people like Madonna, Kylie, Christina Aguilera and Lady Gaga, our voice as a community would go unheard, but looking at it from the other direction, these pop divas would be nothing (really) without us fags.

We flock to Gaga, Madge, and anybody else who pushes the envelope with their art as a big fuck you to the people who oppose our lifestyle ‘choices’ which (and this is based on my personal experience) are generally based on ignorance, but the fundamental problem for us gays, is that we are veritable magpies (ed note: He also means 'hagpies.'). We become hypnotized with the glitz & glamour that our fabulous divas bring in the hopes of then becoming the ultimate hag, whilst being down for our cause.

The fly/fruit fly or Fag/hag relationship is very special and symbiotic – both publically and privately – we know that we can’t exist without them, or them without us. But let’s take a look at a group out there who have not been bestowed with gay. The group I’m talking about are the women who are (gasp) sans a good homo in their life, and who need us the most.

Sarah Palin, for example, is in SERIOUS need of some hot gay man love. It became painfully clear when she was running for vice president. Her publicity group clearly forewent hiring a queen to help with Palin’s makeover and (to this day I still have no idea why) was only about throwing money at the problem, rather than have a gay boyfriend spend time with her to sort it all out (remember the $150,000 Neiman Marcus fiasco).

Clearly this child has been sans gay since birth. I bet her hairdresser is also a sans-fag woman with high aspirations of hagitory (and DO NOT tell me that Alaska is fag-free. Check THIS out: http://www.city-data.com/forum/alaska/35552-gay-life-alaska-2.html).

Perhaps there wasn’t enough time to rectify the problem at its core. Clearly, Palin was trying to act ‘butch’ (I still have images of Palin’s interview at a Turkey processing plant, where they were snapping the necks of turkeys as Sarah was banging on about being a maverick), with out the chops. This is where a 'mo could enlighten Sarah on the ups and downs of being butch-whilst-fem and fem-whilst-butch - you don’t see Hillary with the same set of issues as she’s down with the triangle tribe.

Personally, I believe that one of the many reasons women have become so empowered and outspoken against the [straight] male culture is due largely in part to their friendships with us 'mo’s. In fact, I’d go as far to say that women who are sans a gay boyfriend in their lives are far more prone to make terrible decisions, which range from bad hair/clothing choices and poor boyfriend/husband selection to improper and incorrect vocabulary use. The REALLY sad thing is that they have become completely oblivious to the fact the their plight to become liberated is the very same plight the LGBT community is in right now.

It’s not all one sided, of course – it’s because of our relationship we have with our hags that we’ve been able to learn how to deal with the [straight] male-driven culture, but we can play both sides because of our sexual ‘duality’.

But I digress....

As somebody who has worked very closely with the US Army, its not an issue for most boots-on-the-ground if they are fighting side-by-side with a gun-toting homo – in fact, one soldier I had a conversation with said to me “This is my job – my office. I make deals at my office, some deals save lives, some don’t, but I’m still doing my job. I have colleagues who are women; I have colleagues who are men. I know some are straight, and I know some are gay, but they are still my colleagues, and at the end of the day, this is still the job we signed up for, and I trust them with my life as much as they trust me with theirs”.

It’s the responsibility of all fags and hags to get the message of equality out there effectively and efficiently. We learn from the strong women we adore, and they draw strength from the ones they adore. Most importantly, however, is the challenge of getting our message our by seeking alternate channels other than the one’s we’ve become comfortable with.
Bravo for the Gaga’s and Madonna’s who have helped get us this far, but, for the love of God, will someone PLEASE get Palin a 'mo!

Now I implore...have you ever read such a fantastical display of TRUTH?!?!

Make Your Balls Sparkling And New!

Now if you'd like to shave said balls or simply keep your day job, My Dear Deacon says to check out Nancy Boy shaving products and skin care, because they WERQUE, 'mmmmmmkay? And if you like your dog downward, do visit his brills Ayurvedic advice page, Daily Veda.

MUAH!

xxx

A Hag Supreme

The GEMMY's!

2010-08-30T16:50:00.007-04:00

Last night's GEMMY awards were like a glittering disco ball beaming it's light of love all over Hollywood!

GEMMY? That's right. The Gay -Emmys. Between Modern Family's Erik Stonestreet's win for a gay character, Glee's Ryan Murphy best director and Jane Lynch's best supporting actress nod, not to mention the almighty NPH's (Neil Patrick Harris) win for his Glee cameo, and a triumphant win by Breaking Bad's Aaron Paul, the wins seemed all GLBT, all the time! Take THAT Prop 8 hater assholes, because the GLBT community in H'Wood can and will buy and sell you twice!

Breeder host Jimmy Fallon did a nice job of hosting, but I felt a yawn creep in when he started reading fan Tweets on the air. Sure, it's savvy to integrate social media with live TV but not THE EMMYS. Shit, award shows like this provide TV with a rare opportunity to preserve the old school glamour from the days of yore, when celebrities weren't accessible 24/7 via the sinkhole of social media. Leave the cheap Tweets off the podium!

Modern Family's adorable Jesse Tyler Ferguson is KILLING me in this shot. You can just read the bubble over his head saying, "Snap! Quick! Before Pacino method-bitch slaps me!"

Potential Scandal?

Last week, I was incredibly moved by a letter posted on the internet from a mom about her gay son, who was ousted from the Armed Forces after completing two tours in Afghanistan because of Don't Ask Don't Tell. I even posted about it on momlogic. Then my DARLING Sir Pink mentions he knew this family growing up and this same mom always gave him the evil-eye because he was out 'n proud. Hrmph. I'd like to think people can rise above innate bigotry, and it was a beautiful letter. Jus' planting some food for thought...

Sassy Gay Friend Does Romeo & Juliet!

I know, I'm slow on the uptake but my HAGlicious pal Gina shared this on Facebook recently and it was too damn good.

Hag Of The Month

Miss New York Claire Buffie -- the anti-Prejean! Inspired by her sister, who so happens to be a lesbian, she's using her platform (and one of my FAVES), PFLAG's "Straight for Equality: Let's Talk," to bring awareness to gay rights. "I feel like gay rights are the civil rights of my generation," she said. PFLAG are my PEOPLE, right there. Werque! Check her articulate, intelligent interview on MSNBC! Love! Her!

My friend Alex put this up and I couldn't resist tossing it in for good measure....

x's and o's galore!

YOUR Hag Supreme

Gay, Gayer, Gayest!

2010-07-08T12:47:00.006-04:00

Gay

Couldn't resist sharing this Reuters HEADline about the Prefontaine Classic Diamond League race, brought to my attention by my pal Tom:

Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters

Can you say GEEN-yus? What I'd give to have been the reporter to slide that honey through all ripe for the clickin'.

Gayer

Perez Hilton reports the world's about to get a whole lot Weir-dur. Johnny Weir is taking next year off to "reinvent himself" with a single called "Dirty Love," a fashion line "Be Unique," and a "quarter century memoir to be published with Gallery Books.

DAYUM! Bitch be BIZZY 'n shit! Better set aside a sec or two to keep those toenails in check, Sweets!

Gayest!

Watching Top Chef this season? Contestant Arnold Myint brought so much gay to the table, his kafte balls were dipped in rainbow sprinkles. See for yourselves!

My ULTIMATE idol, the brilliant Miz Jennifer Saunders, just revealed to the BBC that she's been recovering from breast cancer. Get well, Sweetie Darling!

That's it for now my BEEYOTCHES. Bask in summer!

xox

AHS

Honeymoon With Sue

2010-06-15T12:44:00.008-04:00

Didya catch that Glee finale last week? Didya, didya, didya???

Of COURSE you did. True music lovers and gays agree: Glee resonates so deeply within our circle because it mirrors the modus operandi of our collective subconscious.

Do I pirouette around Brooklyn belting out each track that mirrors my current emotional temperature? Not exactly. But do I harbor persistent fantasies about doing so? Hells-to-the-FUCK-YEAH. You even might catch my lips moving on occasion.

Glee indulges us in the magnificent illusion that -- even in this day and age of magical, mystical record prefab record company concoctions (um...KE$HA), underdogs beholden of talent may actually prevail someday, over the rainbow, where unicorns fly. To the tune of a playlist that, on occasion, addresses my arcane demographic.

Besides, Sue Sylvester serves as the Simon Cowell of ID. Without Sue-induced moments of soul crushing clarity, the show's protagonists would spend episodes fumbling fruitlessly with their nether regions. I wish I had Sue hanging over my brain like Gazoo, reminding me of my weaknesses and foiables

at any given moment. Without full disclosure of how we suck, we're clueless about how to improve.

Need Drugs? Shoot Yourself!

Suffering from a yanked rotator cuff, this butch meth chef claims she was in so much pain, she had no choice but to shoot herself to get her hands on some pain meds.

Sounds like a JUNKIE to me (please note the meth face) but in a strange way, I kinda get this. I've been waiting for THREE DAYS for two separate doctors to call me back -- one with respect to scheduling a minor surgery and the other because I have tingling in my left hand. Neither doctor is on vacation. Granted, I'm not about to keel over from either issue, but when last I checked, tingling in the arm and hand indicates some sort of nerve issue and should be addressed immediately. And I quote from some miscellaneous online search:

"If the numbness is sudden and affects the hand and the arm, it could be a warning sign of an impending stroke. As a stroke can be life threatening, it is imperative to seek medical help right away if you experience this type of numbness."

Mind you, both of these doctors are responsible for my primary care. The "care" part is obviously a joke.

On me.

Anyone else have this happen to them? Bitch below, please!

No-Shit-Sherlock of the Week: Lesbians Make Great Moms

A new study in Pediatrics reveals the offspring of lesbians tend to rate "significantly higherin social, school/academic, and total competence and significantly lower in social problems, rule-breaking, aggressive, and externalizingproblem behavior than their age-matched counterparts."

Must be all that estrogen-fueled, talking-it-out at the dinner table!

Stupidity Of The Week: The Gay Blood Prohibition

Friday, a Health and Human Services committee (whatever the fuck that is) voted to keep a ban in place since 1985 that prohibits blood donations from men who have sex with men.

The score? 9-6. Really?

Seriously, wait a sec...I have sex with men (well..a MAN). Dare the government presume that only heterosexuals beholden of penii are schooled enough to don a party lid every time they venture forth into vaginal territory? Last I checked about 50% of AIDS sufferers were women. So how is the elimination of perfectly healthy homosexual blood helping anyone during a blood shortage?

RIIIIGHT?

Melt You Like A Popsicle!

Washington Boys & California Gurls - a Music Video by Unicorn Booty from Booty the Unicorn on Vimeo.

Classico!

You're welcome.

Finally, here's a little treat I found on the streets of New York.

Name That Phallus!

List your guesses below!

That's it for now, Cuties. Peace the f*ck out!

AHS

A Marque-Free Glee?

2010-04-27T09:10:00.007-04:00

Howdy Gals & Gays!

So sorry I've been MIA. I'm not going to sit here and apologize for my atrocities because that would just add to the aura of gaucheness I've already committed, but let's just say I've been one well distributed mother-mother.

Enough of this ca-ca! Let's get down to the nitty grit, shall we?

RU CROWNS A NEW QUEEN

The finale of RuPaul's Drag Race was last night and although I'm devoutly Team JuJu and a staunch admirer of Miz Raven, I can totally see why she chose "The Other Tyra" Sanchez as America's Next Drag Superstar. Even though her 'tude needed a 'lil fine-tuning, her look was flawless and she consistently turned it out.

Congrats Miz Tyra!

A MARQUE-FREE GLEE?

Just read on The Advocate.com that "Ugly Betty" alum and inspirational little lovebug Mark Indelicato (Justin) can't participate in Fox's open call for Glee because he's only 15!

Um -- What's wrong with these people? Marquee Mark and Glee would go together like Sue Sylvester and Madge's 90's tittays!

First off, that little man should be having himself an agent that can pound the door between he and Glee right down. For seconds, they'd be stoo-pid to look that little gift show pony right in the uvula. Let him werque his magic all the way to Nationals! And into little Kurt's heart perhaps? Or at least into his 2xist boxer briefs?

For all you Gleeks out there, take a solid moment to check out my pal Brett Berk's Vanity Fair.com interview with cutie Chris Colfer!

GAY WORLD SERIES STRIKES OUT

FOX reports that three bisexual men filed a lawsuit to the tune of $75k each against the North American Gay Amateur Athletic Alliance (NAGAAA) claiming they were discriminated against for not being gay enough to participate in the organization's Gay Softball World Series!

They claim their softball team, D2, was "disqualified from participating in the softball championship because the alliance ruled they were 'nongay.'" During a hearing on the matter back in 2008, the 'nongays' say they were asked a series of "personal and intrusive questions" about their "sexual orientations and desires." They allege they were told, "This is the Gay World Series, not the Bisexual World Series."

Guess it's not okay to play for the other team when your bat that swings both ways!

MEET KEVIN KELLER!

And ain't he a hottie? Just have yourself a gander at those glaring baby aquas and those impeccable fingerwaves!

The first openly gay comic book character will his debut in no. 202 of Veronica Comics. In "Isn't It Bromantic," Kevvie prefers Jughead's palate over Veronica's wiles.

How long until we get to admire his 2D pecs?

MAKE ME MOAN

Don't miss this HIGH-larious take on High Priestess GaGa and Honey Bee's latest smash, Telephone!

PFLAG GALA HOLLA

Just when you thought I couldn't get any gayer, my hubs scored us tix to the PFLAG Straight For Equality gala this Saturday night, where the guest of honor is none other than the Holiest Hag Of All Hags, L.I.Z.A. That's right. He's blowing the dust off the tux and I'll be clad in...something with heels. It'll be Ha-gala Heaven, fo' sho!

Stay tuned for my report!

A. H. S

Hypocrite Hyperbole

2010-03-05T11:09:00.010-05:00

Hey, HAY, Hey!

Hypocrite Hyperbole

I just love it when gay rights opponents stroll right into a pile of steaming doo-doo while the world snaps footage.

The HuffPo-Po reports Republican State Senator Roy Ashburn (CA), a long-time staunch opponent of gay rights, got himself a fierce lil' DUI this week on his way home from THE DISCO, y'all. With a boy in tow and everything!

Here's his lame apology:

"I am deeply sorry for my actions and offer no excuse for my poor judgment. I accept complete responsibility for my conduct and am prepared to accept the consequences for what I did. I am also truly sorry for the impact this incident will have on those who support and trust me - my family, my constituents, my friends, and my colleagues in the Senate."

Um, Dude? You should apologize to your co-passenger for your flagrant display of idiocy. Watch your back during Pride week, Son, or you might find yourself wearing a rainbow flag in a way you never thought was physically possible.

Love Wins In D.C.!

photo: Christian Science Monitor, believe it or not.

Ah, the sweet smell of PROGRESS.

And the only time you'll see me smile when I do time on the elliptical at the gym. I looked up to see headlines on Wednesday reading that D.C. began issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples. And Minnesota seems interested in joining the bandwagon.

*Throwing virtual confetti* 'Bout fucking time!

"Some Might Think We're Even Cuban"

I don't care how busy you are -- you HAVE to click on this fucking HIGH-larious spoof of Inglorious Basterds, courtesy of Snooki & Co.

Whee! More Gays on Glee!

Photo found on PalZoo.com

Set your DVR's Bitches!

The high priest of penis, Neil Patrick Harris is going to further pretty-up Glee during May sweeps. YAY! According to a source on Perez Hilton: "NPH will play Bryan Adam, 'a high school glee club nemesis of Will’s (Matthew Morrison) who resurfaces as a board member at William McKinley.' The source says the there are some cool flashback scenes of the boys back in there heyday with 'Bryan picking up girls and getting all the cool solos while Will sits off in the sidelines.' "

LOVE! And what's more, Perez wrote John Barrowman is trying to get his sweet spray-orange ass on Glee as well. Double LOVE!

Wonderbear Powers ACTIVATE!

Fart On Tits sho' wasn't lying when he said this was the gayest vid EVER.

And on that note...that's it for now, Cuties! Twinkle out!

A.H.S

Ripped/Torn

2010-02-02T11:11:00.009-05:00

Heidi, Hos!

Time for some deelish, nutrish goss for your Groundhog Day:

*ALERT* *ALERT* *GAYBOY* *GAYBOY*

I'm sure you GaGa lovers have all dissected the Grammies by now, but one things left unsaid -- the Jo Bro on the far right is gay from space. In case you so happened to drown this out with a martini shaker, behold and claim him for your own, Bitches.

Ripped/Torn

This pickled queen has no doubt seen better days!

Rip Torn was arrested Friday night for busting into a CT bank because he "thought it was his house." According to TMZ, stadies responded to an alarm at the Litchfield Bancorp building and found Torn wasted off his heinie with a loaded gun! They believe he B&E'ed to get in. He's now charged with carrying a gun without a permit, carrying a gun while fully loaded, first-degree burglary, first degree criminal trespass and third-degree criminal mischief.

Wait a sec...you can actually charge someone with criminal mischief? Why the fuck is that lil' Taylor Swift still corroding the streets? That rendition of Rhiannon on the Grammies is grounds for lock up. You'd think a Lautner lovin' HAG would know better than dare defame our sweet Stevie.

iMad @ iPad

Cock-a-doodle-DOUCHE, this thing looks cool.

All I want to know is how many of you gays are going to make me feel like an asshole for not clutching this hot little number on the subway?

Many thanks to Mr. Pink for this apt depiction of today's most absorbent source of feminine protection.

The rOsie & Oprah Show

Sounds like a drag king extravaganza at the Duplex, don't it?

O'Donnell spilled her guts on The Big O Show last week. I just love that woman. She's a loving mom, gets hot, quality poon, and has the balls to get up in Baba Wawa's grill and wave a finger when she thinks she's being hosed.

Her HBO doc, "A Family Is A Family Is A Family" is an adorable montage focused on love underscored with a strong message of equality. Tune in, WERD up.

Weed Makes You Gay

Holy DISTURBIA, Batman. This flagrant display of idiocy, with respect to homosexuality and weed, was actually aired in Canada. Ugh.

Another hearty contribution, courtesy of Sir Pink.

Change That Channel And I'll Cut A Bitch

A Florida woman stabbed her boyfriend when he decided to change the channel during American Idol!

Watch and try not to laugh. I dare you.

Okay, okay....I DVR'ed the premiere of RuPaul's Drag Race but haven't had a chance to see it yet. Tune into the next HAG for the breakdown, k?

Until then...LOVE!

AHS

Goo-Goo For Guncs and GaGa

2010-01-13T10:26:00.021-05:00

Happy 20-10 Cats & Kittens!

How YOU doin'?

GLAAD for GLEE!

Photo: Fox

Guess the folks over at ABC have a better handle on real life than the competition! They earned eight noms for this year's GLAAD media awards, because Brothers and Sisters, Modern Family and single episodes of Private Practice did a great job of aptly representing the gay community. And Glee was nominated as well - bien sur! Can't wait to see who wins!

Goo-Goo For GaGa

Photo: ticketloot.com

After keeping my head down in the interest of more pleasurable pursuits, I got to

a point where I could no longer block out the noise about today's high-priestess of gay cool, Lady GaGa. Sure, like MOI, she's fiercely loyal to her gays, is sexually ambiguous, is physically innovative and writes a memorable dance-pop hook, but I got to the point where I was like: What is it with you gays and your GaGa, all throwing roses and lighting candles to her high-ness? What's the big fucking deal? Then I gave myself a YouTube tutorial and had me a lightbulb moment.

What's that I hear? A round of applause?

Her clothing and makeup are FLAWLESS. She's got tits and a sweet ass a dead man would want for his own. She spends each video expertly working her burlesque training with lots of equal opportunity tongue. The sinful pump of her oh-so simple synth pop is decorated with lyrics that channel the mind of a gay man on the make -- the ultimate soundtrack to any dance floor enhanced by gauzy smoke. She's an unapologetic dirty girl who can look after her damn self.

It was love at first sight for you, but love at tenth sight for this HAG. But it's all love, right? Please forgive!

Everyone's mixing and remixing her music but here's a rendition of Poker Face you simply must take in the...assets.

TV for the TiVo Impaired

I watch, so you don't have to.

Conan The Barbarian

As Jay Leno's ten pm NBC talk show was a tuneless clusterfuck from the get-go, the Peacock is now threatening to shove aside Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show until after midnight to put Jay on at 11:30. Another tuneless clusterfuck, right?

Well, Sir Conan fought back and damn well, too. Here's a snippet of his statement:

"Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn't the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn't matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more."

Well played, Sir Conan. Lookie here, you just don't fuck with an Aries. It's stupid. Because we have principals. And if pushed against a wall, we WILL -- in a classy way mind you -- tell you to go fuck yourself. With step-by-step instructions, lest you forget how.

American Idol

I usually wait out tuning in until the finalists are in place because stupid people annoy me, but as the first round of auditions took place in my hometown of Boston, I had to snap it on. That and I felt compelled to see what Simon's siren song, and a Paula-less (he's out next year), season would look like.

I should start by saying I don't mind Vicki Beckham, I really don't. Don't ask me why. She certainly looked fierce. But each time she looked at a contestant, this blinding, neon "Vacancy" sign lit up between her eyes and singed my retinas and deemed them useless in the afterglare. It would've helped if she emitted more constructive bon mots than, "I like your shirt," or "You've got a nice little voice, haven't you?"

Next.

Jersey Shore

Let's swing on back to Jersey for a minute. A good amount of my gays have come forward in enjoying this delightful MESS of a show. Who can resist a good trainwreck? Not we! And besides my dear gays, I must say you're pretty good at dismissing the area above the neck when it comes to a hot chest in a wife beater. Creative nick-naming is our forte. And seeing as "fist pump" is a term that carries added depth in the gay and gay-friendly community, it's no wonder we're tuning in, in droves.

Gunc Love

On occasion, part of my job is to interview celebs. And lucky for me, there are times when I get to interview people that I'd actually enjoy drinking with in 3D. This happened this week. My MomLogic family put me in touch with Bill Horn (@BillHornWoHi) and Scout Masterson (@scoutmasterson), also known as The Guncs (gay uncles), from Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, and we did a piece about their quest to adopt. Such LOVELY gentlemen! Be sure to click and check it!

And if you know anyone who can help in their quest to add to their beautiful family, please contact them through their adoption website.

That's it for now, Bitches. LOVE!

AHS

CaCa...Ooh La La!

2009-12-13T14:46:00.006-05:00

Are your balls ready to jingle-jangle-jingle?

We Like Gays, Y'all!

I never ever thought I'd live to say this, but I'm throwing silver star cutout confetti at Houston, TX for electing the country's first openly gay mayor last week! This, in spite of a bunch of morons over there condemning her "homosexual behavior."

Several other U.S. cities, including Portland, Ore., Providence, R.I., and Cambridge, Mass., have openly gay mayors, but none are as large as Houston.

According to a Yahoo news article, "This election has changed the world for the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered community. Just as it is about transforming the lives of all Houstonians for the better, and that's what my administration will be about," Parker told supporters after her opponent, Gene Locke, conceded defeat.

Parker's victory comes after a slew of shiteous gay rights setbacks, like NY's failure to pass the gay marriage bill and Maine-r's repealing the Legislature's passage of a same-sex marriage state law.

A BIG Win for NYC Trans Community

Meanwhile, back here in the big fat (Adams) apple, Governor Paterson signed a bill yesterday that includes transgendered people in anti-discrimination policies that govern state agencies.

This order represents the broadest protection ever extended to transgender public employees in New York State.

The NY Times reports in their authoritative font: "Though state antidiscrimination law includes gay men and lesbians, it is silent on the issue of transgender people. And while Mr. Paterson’s order will not have the sweep of a statute enacted by the State Legislature because it will apply only to state agencies, gay and transgender rights advocates said it would be a first step toward including gender identity and expression protections in state law."

You gotta give it up to the guy. In spite of the defeat of the same-sex marriage bill, he seems to be doing everything in his power to fight for equality.

Speaking of trannies...

CaCa...Oooh La La!

GENIUS! Many thanks to my boys at Fart On Tits!

Taylor Lautner on SNL

GRRRLLLLS....we've previously discussed the ridunkulousity of the concept of "gayface," but dear God on Christopher Street, here is an instance there is no denying. See for yourself. There are fewer things gayer on planet earth and the vast realms of space than this cutie blowing a kiss...

That lucky Taylor Swift! I mean what HAG wouldn't give her left tit-tay for a gay she can hide behind in times of danger?

This Is Just Funny

Who knew Ri-Ri had more to her than hot legs, a toneless voice and an asymmetrical hairdo? Hey, the holidays are all about pleasant surprises!

That's it for now! Sending all of you abundant air kisses and best wishes for a festive, fornicalicious holiday season!

AHS

Talk Show

2009-11-19T13:02:00.007-05:00

Hey Y'all!

Chaz On GMA!

HAWT off the press! Check out Chaz Bono's first TV appearance as a man! So amazing to see him realized!

America Loves The Ladies

Ever notice all the best American talk show hosts are lesbians? There's Ellen, Rosie and Oh....YEAH! Wanda Sykes!

Caught her spanky new show last week. Eeesh. I really do love me some Wanda, but I must regretfully state my disappointment. It seems the issue lies in formatting. The assemblage of stand-up to round table to haggy dishing with BFF to snippets seemed a bit jumbled.

Anywho, the absolute best thing about the show is that she was way more lesbionic than the other girls. By virtue of her spin on the material, and the delicious drag queen as one of her side dishes, there left no question which side of the closet door Sykes is on. She didn't wear an "L Word" t-shirt or anything, but she acknowledged who she was and what she stood for.

My two-cents? Seeing as Sykes has a whole week to get her shit together, she should lose the Merv Griffin soundstage and take the Chappelle route, combining stand-up/pre-taped vignettes mocking the week's issues.

Hear me Wanda? I've spoken. Now about those two cents you owe me...

Another penny: What an ironic tragedy that these lovely lesbians have won the hearts of a greater America who won't let them get married.

Risking Kids To Defeat Gay Marriage

Nothing pisses me off more than a piece of shit hater who dares use God as an excuse.

My old pal Kevin Dwyer wrote this revealing post for the Huffington Post about how head doo-doo Edward Orzechowski, President and CEO of the CCDC, says the gay marriage bill will "force" Catholic Charities

to shut down, royally screwing all those who need their help without so much as a pucker.

" 'Without robust protections for religion, this legislation forces us into a position of either violating the law or ending necessary services to the poor. . . . The bottom line is that this bill as written would hurt the children, families and men and women who count on Catholic Charities, our parishes and other religious entities to give them the care, the respect and the dignity they deserve to renew their lives.' "

Kev asks: "This begs the following question: Is the Archdiocese of Washington D.C. actually openly threatening children who d

epend on its charity (75% of that charity is provided by the American Taxpayer, by the way, as Orzechowski admits in his testimony) simply because the good people of the District of Columbia plan to extend the franchise of marriage to gay people? Are the lives of these children so expendable that the Catholic Church is willing to abandon them to maintain its codified demonization of homosexuality in the public square?"

Go Kev, for pulling their pants down in public! 'Bout fucking time someone did.

TV for the TiVo Impaired

O-Go Bye-Bye

*Sniff* You're on your own, Bitches.

"After much prayer and careful thought," The Divine Ms. O (Don't go scratchin' me Bette! It works!) is callin' it quits after 25 years to focus on OWN - the Oprah Winfrey Network.

Surprised? I'm not. Dieties have to prioritize and when you are running an empire, you simply can't be all things to all people.

This only effects me marginally, as I only tune into The Oprah Winfrey Show when there's a phenomenal star on, or during a sick day. In fact, sick days aren't sick days to me without a blessing from the Ope.

How the hell am I going to live my best life now? And whose nuts do I have to fondle to score a B12 shot?

Californ-equation

It's no secret among those who know my biznazz I'm somewhat of a spiritual Angeleno. Which is why I was extra honored when my delicious peeps at MomLogic asked me to represent on CaliforniaWomen.org, the official website of The Women's Conference. That's right, Bitches - Maria Shriver, Jillian Michaels and ME. It gets a little haglicious toward the end, when I muse about how I miss my Thanksgivings with my darling Kenzo.

I didn't get to say it in that piece, but I'm also grateful for the many Thanksgivings I spent with Jenzo her family, for treating me like family and making my formative Thanksgivings back in MA happy ones.

Hearts and Flowers to You Bitches! Don't fear the cornbread!

Downward Dogs

2009-11-03T20:05:00.010-05:00

Hi Y'all!

Here's the latest HAG NEWS:

Bea Leaves Cake To Homeless Gay Youth

Hag Supreme Bea Arthur left over $300k to New York's Ali Fortney Center, an organization supporting homeless LGBT kids. The center was really struggling in light of the economic crisis and now, thanks to Saint Bea, the bills'll get paid.

Guess in some ways, you CAN take it with you.

Ever want to know how it feels to have a vagina? Well this comely image is sure turn your erection inside out.

Fat Guy In A Lotus Pose

Oh to be a bubble over Kate Gosselin's frosted head. There is nothing less peaceful than this fugly display.

Who the fuck is this idiot's publicist? Does he actually think a few repulsive shots of his lovehandles oozing over the waistband of his poom-poom shorts will erase the fact that he spent $150k of his family's cash on hookers and Ed Hardy bedazzled condoms? That we'll actually believe he's winding down the path of righteous behavior?

Um, NO. So take that, you downward dog.

Maine The Stain

Well, Maine just sharted on the rest of New England, ay? This past Tuesday, voters repealed a state law allowing gays to wed. This is just six months after the law was passed by the Maine legislature and was signed by the Governor. One site said the naysayers won 53% - 47%.

Fuckers. You'd expect more from a state with a plaid state flag and a view of Canada from its back porch.

Speaking of skidmarks...

I'll Dance To Death!

This had me rolling. Many thanks to my pal Noah Fecks for this amazing snip that aptly depicts what drag queens get up to when fucking around on their laptops all high on meth.

If you are the sensitive type who crosses her legs at the sound of the "c" word, click "play" at your own risk.

And last but not least, for you non-tuckers who grapple with moisture where you jingle, jangle, jingle...

Don't Leave Your Guys Hangin'!

Enjoy!

AHS

Money = Mouth

2009-10-11T15:10:00.019-04:00

Howdy Bitches!

Getty Images

So our hawttie Nobel Peace Prize winning Prez Barack Obama finally came out and said he was out to end the ridiculous 16-year-old Don't Ask, Don't Tell military policy. He also appealed to Congress to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act, a limitation of how state and federal bodies recognize domestic partnerships in providing government benefits.

All good stuff. He didn't say WHEN this stuff would go down however, and as a result gays far and wide remain skeptical about the Prez's intent to fight for equality in earnest.

I've gotta say, I sure as shit don't envy that dude. So many piles of shit to clean up, so little time. But this is BUNK. If he does right by the my gay brethren, I get (French) tickled by the message it would send the rest of the world. How're we supposed to show the world how freedom and equality can work if it's only happening here at home for part of the population? There's only so much Neil Patrick Harris can do by himself.

Some food for thought here, My Big O.

In the meantime, the Haglicious Ms. Lady Gaga redeemed herself in mine eyes with this basic yet effective speech. Please note how she maintains her impeccable Madonna inflection throughout and shouts out Barney Frank and Judy Garland to score extra Hag points. Bless God and bless the Gays!

The "F" Word

The "F" word is like the "N" word - it's only funny when tossed by the mouths of those in the demographic.

But what about Hags, who theoretically straddle the great demographic divide? As this cartoon depicts, the "F" word is used as a descriptor in jest, completely devoid of mal intent. We call ourselves HAG, after all. But no one wants to alienate their very best friends. So weigh in below, gays. We'd love to know how you feel.

TV For The TiVo Impaired

Pro-jhay Runway

Is it me, or has this fave just organically jumped the shark? Where are the Santinos, the Chris Marches and the Nick Verreos's? Shit, even the Stellas? BO-RING. This round of contestants have personalities like speed bumps and designs to match. No wonder Logan was spared. His design was heinous but with the overabundance of girlie action in the top tier, gals and gays need something to look at. Straight guys don't voluntarily snap this shit on to ogle Irina, fine as she may be, toss her glossy locks around. And LAWD knows the clothes ain't enough to keep me riveted this go-round.

Top Chef

Fell asleep during this show the past three times I've watched it. The only thing that woke me was the surprising verdict to eliminate Ashley. Note to Bravo casting folks - keep the Fabio's coming, will ya? As you've gleaned through your Real Housewife series, personality is EVERYTHING. I'm into girl power and all, but as great a cook as Jennifer is, I'm not exactly going to bust out in a chorus of Kumbaya if she wins.

The Highs of Bravery

An oldie, but DAY-UM what a goodie. Try not to laugh. I dare you.

AHS

PRIDE Begins At Home

2009-09-17T11:37:00.017-04:00

This week, Laurie and Teri, two card-carrying members of the Hagosphere, joined me on a sojurn to the Legion Bar in Williamsburg to attend my dear pal Out About Brooklyn's benefit screening of "Small Town Gay Bar" for The Brooklyn Community Pride Center. Having attended a hilarious reading of Prospect Park West by the ever-so haglicious authoress Amy Sohn en route, we were a bit tardy. But once fueled up with a couple stealth GG dirties, we made our presence known and had a thoroughly enjoyable time.

Sadly, Brooklyn is the only borough in NYC minus an LGBT center, despite the robust gayborhoods of Park Slope, downtown and HS HQ, right here in the CG. So check out their site and do whatcha can to show the sweeties some love, 'mmmmkay?

LiLo IS So-Low

Photo: DListed

Surprise, surprise. Desk LA reports that Lindsey Lohan attended a meeting at a cable network, but refused to shake the hand of the assistant charged with greeting her, snarling, "I don't do that," or some shiteous stank to that effect.

Someone needs to remind her she's not exactly first in line for a meet and greet at the oval office. Her oval orifice, maybe. If girlfriend wants to resurrect her Afterschool Special of a career, she better learn to do a better job of shaking babies and kissing hands, and right quick. We all know that the people you meet instead of going down, might be on their way up someday.

TV for the TiVo Impaired

Gossip Girl

Photo: CW promo

Honestly, I don't know how it happened. I was an innocent bystander, mocking these pretty hopheads with each page-turn of an US magazine. But one evening, whist I waited for something better to come on, I flipped onto this stupidity. And in a flash...I was gone.

What captivates me, you may ask? I ask myself the same. Blake Lively's leggy blondeness and throaty laugh? Ed Westwick's propensity for houndstooth? Leighton Meester's saucy little minx-ness? Chace Crawford's adorable lil' gayface? Jessica Szohr's obvious extensions? The clothes? The dialogue?

Let's be clear - Bonfire of the Vanities, this is not. But I swear it's as if they've offered me a bump. Who wouldn't want to indulge in a vapid fantasy world of being young, gorgeous, loaded and loaded in rich man's NYC?

There ain't no paps hanging 'round my bush, so to speak. It's kind of fun to see how the other half lives.

But I don't get that low-budge Courtney Love one. She's what represents punk rebellion? Skunk, more like. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But it feels so very soft core and poseur without the requisite cutting, barbiturates and strap-ons. Flash some pierced clit, then we'll talk.

Chelsea Lately

I don't often say I told you so, but please review this three and a half year-old post about how I fell in love with this bitch before all y'all. Back when it was called "The Chelsea Handler Show." 'Member?

Now that she's scored an interview with Jennifer Aniston (one of the lamest & tamest I've ever witnessed, but I'm sure that was part of the agreement), watch for the guests to escalate to A-List and tix to be harder than early am boy bladder to come by. Work it out, Soul Sister!

As always, you are completely fierce, but my only objection is to one of your hair people. There are nights it looks great but what was up with the bushy-tail last night? Do you know you've got some bouf action on top of your head that makes you look like Meredith Viera's burnout kid sister? Your amazing spirit is clearly not one of a 50 year old Today show co-host. Fuck the blowdryer and hairspray and go edgy shag, already.

You're welcome.

And if you readers so happen to make her acquaintance, do me a solid and inform her that this wacky bitch longs to be plucked from obscurity to assume her rightful position on her round table. Hey, I'm flexible enough to bend over. We all know my guns are big enough to help hold her drunk ass up. My boobs are longer than Heather's. And, I'm just the right size to keep Chuy company.

Whatever You Do, "Keep Fucking That Chicken!"

I take great joy in watching stoic newscasters let loose and cuss. In crediting his weather man for keeping rain at bay, Ernie Anastos hereby gives us a great for-instance. I guess we now know who bogarted the flask that night. The look on his co-anchor's face is PRICELESS. I'm shocked he had nothing colorful to add during her boobie-boinging aerobic segment.

That's it for now, bitches!

Love & Rockets,

AHS

What Is Gayface?

2009-08-24T09:02:00.008-04:00

Hey Sweeties!

How's your summer so far? Are you being randy and handy? Here at last is your faithful HAG to get you on the good foot!

What Is Gayface?
Lots of folks may have their feelings about Sir Perez Hilton, but you can't deny his success, nor his ability to call anyone out on their shit. He drags some Hollywood gays out of the closet kicking and screaming and with others, he merely points out their "gayface."

This is a term some of my gays find humorous, others offensive. No one on earth wants to be judged by their looks or sexuality. But whether we like to admit it or not, we all compartmentalize to some degree.

When sizing up boys for sexual preference, I suppose I silently register 'gayface' before my gaydar goes whoot whoot. And as a lover of all men who love men, I can honestly say that stereotyping doesn't even subconsciously enter into it. It's like saying that Armenian chicks have big asses or that art students are obnoxiously affected -- these attributes, more often than not, simply point one toward a tendency -- not an actuality.

So let's see if it holds true. For the purposes of maintaining the integrity of this experiment, I've chosen men with similar features and coloring. For example, I say this fella, let's call him Exhibit A (Zachary Quinto), possesses a classic case of "gayface." Here I will walk you through the "5 Factor" or the five clues that led me to this conclusion.

Exhibit A

1. Note the perfectly negotiated negative landing strip between the brows. This is not the work of a Tweezerman. Wax has come between those brows and it was applied by a professional.

2. The five o'clock shadow is even, hinting that his face was purposefully mowed with expert utensils.

3. The impeccably muted sheen of his skin hints at possible use of Bare Escentuals Mineral Veil, where a straight actor might require thicker coverage for more damaged skin due to lack of facials.

4. The smooth forehead points toward prophylactic use of Botox or other skin preservant.

5. The clumping of hair points toward generous application of hair product.

Now, we move onto Exhibit B (Eddie Cibrian), whom we'll call "Straightface." Or as recent reports about him leaving his wife and young children for skanky LeeAnn Rimes would have it, "Doucheface."

Exhibit B
1. Note the telltale wayward scruff that's gathered around and between the brows. This is a classic clue that distinguishes gayface from straightface.

2. The five o'clock shadow is remarkably uneven, indicating this man takes a razor to his own very own face. Using an over the counter razor and skin care regimens you can obtain at CVS, no less.

3. Wrinkles embedded in forehead point markedly toward a preference in embedding women over men.

4. Allowance for moles and freckling show lack of professional dermatological attention.

5. Hefty baggage beneath eyes and ample crows feet further underline matters 2 and 4.

So there you have it. Sure, not all gay men are consumed with obtaining professional help for matters above the neck, but most will admit that attending to those issues consume 2-4 more hours a week than it does for a straight man. Trust.

Of course, my ability to sport eyeliner like guyliner and coif my brows may well deem me a Hagface -- a pussy who anticipates and fears the impact of gay male critique -- but I digress.

RIP Gaydar?

This recent article in the NY Post, wonderously points out that you can't judge a gay by his cover. No shit, Sherlock.

"Gay men are butcher than they used to be, and straight men aren't as inclined to butch it up as much," says Ross von Metzke, editor of Advocate.com.

The article goes on to point out that, as metrosexuals have "dipped their toes in the proverbial waters of prettiness," meaning you can no longer tell a breeder by a baseball cap, homosexuality has become more visible in mainstream media, and gender lines have gone and blurred.

She claims it's awkward asking a man if he's straight, which is totally true. But because straight men have gay friends? Wha? Gay men have to ask too, you know.

"I think [straight] guys are genuinely interested in hanging out with gay people," von Metzke says. "As society evolves, people are much less inclined to be weird about it. I don't necessarily think that gaydar is dead. I think that it's becoming a strange sort of middle ground that's hard to determine."

There's some truth to this. But as A Hag Supreme, I beg to differ. Gaydar is alive and thumpin' -- thanks very much. It's just not completely foolproof, nor is it bestowed upon everyone. Laser sharp gaydar isn't gifted to just any hetero who follows a few Bravo shows, or has a gay buddy across the cubicle at work. It takes years and years of awkward moments to cultivate and hone. So grab a clean strap-on and get to it, honey!

TV for the TiVo Impaired

Top Chef - The Gender Benders Addition

The masters series was a snorefest of niceties and we get to spend a whole 'nuther season watching rapt for Padma Lakshmi's upper lip to move. In the spirit of this gayface entry, 80% of this season's contenders must've checked off the "sexually ambiguous" box on the entry application because Team Rainbow is in effect - fuh' shuh.' This team was a true test of "gayface." If not for the name Ashley, I'd a pegged one lanky contestant as a 20 year old EMO guitar player with gently dangling penii. Ironically, its last name is "Merriman."

At first glance my predictions for the top 5:

Jen - the bitchy chick who worked for Ripert

The Brothers - 'cos sibling rivalry makes for good TV

Jesse - here's hoping we don't see her get spinach caught in her chin divet

Mattin - because he's French

"I've Got Odors In Special Places."

That's it for now, my beautiful babies!

With much love, your ever faithful,

HAG SUPREME

Rubber Biscuits

2009-07-19T20:38:00.008-04:00

WELCOME to this Deluxe Video Edition of A Hag Supreme!

Bruno! (can't figure the umlaut)

Last night, I had the privilege of swirling in a Hag storm that swept into our local cinema to see the controversial Bruno.

I completely see writer Brett Berk's point in saying Bruno brings little more than "pinkfacialization" to the big screen. In fact, I completely agree with his questioning the cost of cartooning "gay" to expose hatred from swingers, right wing political candidates, inbred, toothless cage fighting fanatics and gun-toting rednecks -- hatred that we are all already well aware of.

Was it obvious? Yes. Brazen? Yep. Outrageous? Yes 'm. Was a champagne bottle inserted into various orifii? Why, sure. Were there Nazi jokes? Uh huh, but with Mel Gibson at the butt. Did I laugh my ass off at a spinning penis with a head that shouts, "Bruno!" You betch'yer pedal-dildos I did. We all did. It was 90 minutes of salted nuts, seasoned to appeal to an acquired taste.

Gays! In Uniform, Even!

Rubber Biscuit, Anyone?

A flying condom certainly beats one in the pool. The one time I escape solo for a quick dip and a tan at the Red Hook pool this summer and we're all ousted early because a condom was found floating about. Yep. And it wasn't a recession neon floatie for a very small person.

I promptly went home and boiled myself.

America's Next Top Top

The genius doing Joan has the voice DOWN. My personal fave, for all obvious reasons, is "Pony."

Enjoy!

AHS

Litigious Trannies and Gay Boyfriends

2009-07-17T10:27:00.009-04:00

Hey Honeys!

Mini-post time. I wanted to wait until I saw Bruno to post, but that won't be until next week, so here's a little amuse-bouche to keep your tongue-tied and bush amused.

One Hag's View

I'll admit it - I'm hooked on Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood. Not because I enjoy torturing myself with aspirational reality garbage, or because I give a flying fuck about what she's wearing, or because I relate to her parenting/work juggle. I really can't because I struggle through without the benefit of live-in help, so that shit just annoys me, much as I've grown fond of the lady.

I'm hooked because I have a serious case of Gay Envy. Her Gays are an example to all about how Gays should treat their Hags. They are incredibly loving and supportive and will even fly out to her side when necessary, because she'd do that for them. My gurl, fellow Hag Supreme Teri and I pondered whether these boys flock under her skirt just because she's "Tori," or because they want five of their fifteen minutes of fame. Maybe that's how the got in, but you can tell that's not why they're staying. It's truly an example of Hag/Gay love to behold. My mascara starts to smudge just thinking about it.

So c'mon boys! Emancipate yourselves from whatever shiny object is distracting you and Hug A Hag today. Give 'em their due. Because a Hag-free world would be a lonely world indeed.

Preach!

In today's NY Daily News, a trannie is suing NYC's ass after suffering harassment from co-workers.

Chanel Birden, nee Andrew Birden, says city workers discriminated against her with slurs and by gasping, "What in the world is that?" when she used the ladies' room.

The NYDN reports that Birden lasted two months at her mail clerk job in Central Park before getting the ax in May, allegedly in retaliation for complaining about crass insults.

"There is no mistaking me when you see me - this is definitely a girl," Birden said. "It's not like you're looking at a messy man with a wig on."

"And I'm a gorgeous woman at that," Birden said. "I would always go to work looking very glamorous."

Preach, darling! Hope you get your share.

You'll Always Be My Favorite Fag

Many thanks to my pal Jon-ish for posting this on Facebook!

Enjoy the heat this weekend!

AHS

Home Sweet Home

2009-07-08T17:32:00.013-04:00

Hi Folks!

Important Newsflash: Massachusetts, my home state and the first to legalize gay marriage, is also the first state to sue the U.S. government today over a federal law that defines marriage as a union between a man and a woman!

This AP article states, the federal Defense of Marriage Act interferes with the right of Massachusetts to define and regulate marriage as it sees fit, Massachusetts Attorney General Martha Coakley said. The 1996 law denies federal recognition of gay marriage and gives states the right to refuse to recognize same-sex marriages performed in other states.

"They are entitled to equal treatment under the laws regardless of whether they are gay or straight," says Coakley.

See? One thing about us "bleeding heart liberal" Massholes is that we aren't afraid to tell people about themselves. We even take immense pleasure in doing it to each other, and our accent gets even HAHDER the more pissed off we get.

Photo: Adriane Herman/Slop Art

Rock on, MASSHOLES!

AHS

Stop. Loss.

2009-07-01T11:06:00.008-04:00

Hey Bitches!

Stop. Loss.

Last week, we lost three big time 70s icons -- Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and ...the ultimate curveball .. the gloved one, Sir Michael Jackson. Talk about a trilogy of terror. I think I speak for us all when I say...Holy Shit. Capitalized. The more that comes out about the state of his existence at the time of his passing, well...it hardly sounds like any kind of life at all. And what's fucked up is the truth about the monstrosities he'd been accused of may very well right die with him. We'll see. Personally, I'm in shock. He's gone but with all the hub-bub, he still feels very much alive to me. Probably will for a while to come.

This latest celebri-exodus has me thinking about how their passing effects us mere mortals and why. When characters that are larger than life end their lives, we do more than remember their contributions to our lives, no matter how great or miniscule. Their departures invariably serve as a marker in time --a day that we'll always remember. Who could forget where they were when Elvis Presley or Princess Diana died? I was in my parents bedroom taking in the former, holed up in my friend Alex's apartment for the latter.

Unless you're trapped under something heavy at the time, most of us experience a vivid recollection of where we were when we got the news that a major celeb passed away. It forces us to take a gander around, examine the current contents of our lives, reflect and perhaps even genuflect upon who's around us -- even if it's on a subway platform. I guess that's the good that comes out of such loss, right?

The X in Sexy

Perez Hilton reports Peter David's X-Factor, 45 - a best-selling X-Men related title - goes where no D.C. or Marvel Comic has gone before: man-on-man action between Rictor and Shatterstar!

Though their relationship has been hinted at throughout the series, the panel confirms their deeper feelings, and David says, "No, it’s not a fake out. A number of people seem to be concerned that Star is still under Cortex’s control. Or that Rictor is going to freak out the next panel and say, 'Dude, what the hell?' That would be cheap. I don’t do cheap. Okay, sometimes I do, but not this time. I’m not interested in having people say, 'Peter David introduced this and then chickened out.'

No pussying around for that guy! Literally!

Michael Jackson Fan Bitch Slapped!

"Sometimes it happens, especially when you've had a little too much to drink."

Thanks to my sweeties at Fart On Tits!

Ask A Hag Supreme!

Want to know how to snag a good gay? Cruise on over to Out About Brooklyn and read my monthly column!

That's it for now babies. Happy, happy 4th!

With all my love,

xoxo

A. H. S.

Everyone Dances But Anderson Cooper

2009-06-19T13:31:00.002-04:00

Kelly Ripa Doesn't Wear Cute Outfits Like This!

Jus' LURVE how our AnderMan is slowly creeping OUT.

Happy Friday, bitches!

xx
MM

Pride! Pride! Pride!

2009-06-11T18:55:00.010-04:00

Howdy Do Sweeties!

Happy Pride Week Bitches! As ever your faithful Hagatha, I look forward to taking it to the streets, holding your hand. Here, see? How pretty I am in pink? Oh! That's usually a question you ask me.

Speaking of questions big and small (no, really, BIG and small), take note -- I've gone all virtual and shit. My column, Ask A Hag Supreme is featured monthly on OUT ABOUT BROOKLYN! Want to know what's happening in the LGBT community from BAM to Bushwick? Toiling through ISH after ISH with your boy/girl/hag? Don't get all shy on my ass. Write in with your questions and we'll fix your dilemma Hag style, STAT. 'Cos that's how a good Hag do.

Chaz Is For Charles

According to TMZ, Chastity Bono, civil rights advocate, journalist, author and child of the ULTIMATE gay icon Cher, is in the early stages of changing his gender -- transitioning from female to male.

Bono, the child of legendary entertainers Sonny and Cher, began the process earlier this year, shortly after his 40th birthday.

"Yes, it's true -- Chaz, after many years of consideration, has made the courageous decision to honor his true identity," confirmed Bono's publicist, Howard Bragman.

"He is proud of his decision and grateful for the support and respect that has already been shown by his loved ones. It is Chaz's hope that his choice to transition will open the hearts and minds of the public regarding this issue, just as his 'coming out' did nearly 20 years ago. We ask that the media respect Chaz's privacy during this long process as he will not be doing any interviews at this time."

Congrats! I hope he eventually does give an interview though. Part of being out is speaking out!

Tony Tony Tonys!

What an action packed evening! First, the eternally lovely Neil Patrick Harris did a phenomenal job of hosting. He serves as the perfect example that an actor can come out, keep a job playing a straight man and climb a rung professionally. So kiss BOTH rrs in Harris, ol' musty closet dwellers.

Next, I recognize the night's first winner, Roger Robinson, as the nice man I spent hours upon hours chatting with while stranded waiting for the same flight at LAX last November.

Then at the end of the Rock of Ages medley, I hear the Hub say, "Holy Shit! Did you see that?!" And we proceeded to rewind Bret Michaels getting clotheslined by the set about a thousand times. It was the perfect live telecast!

Now, Michaels' reps are bitching to MTV.com that the Tonys blew off the severity of his injuries. "I find it surprising that a Tony spokesperson would brush off this incident with a comment stating 'Mr. Michaels missed his mark' with no mention of concern for his condition," the spokesperson said. "We realize the show is live and must go on, however, it is unfortunate that the show's host made light of the situation without having any knowledge of the severity of Bret's injuries."

Uh, perhaps Bret should look alive then because he seemed mighty content to stay front and center while the rest of his band had the wherewithal to beat a hasty retreat before the set changed.

Here it is if you missed it. It's so good, it just never gets old.

MTV Shows

Okay, enough talk of straight fugly men. Let's now turn our thoughts to matters more attractive, shall we?

Hag Of The Week: Megan Fox

Just Jared posted that, when asked how she would stop the ruthless Megatron from demolishing the world, foxy Megan Fox told Total Film UK that she would “barter with him.”

She then went on to say, "instead of the entire planet, can you just take out all the white trash, hilbilly, anti-gay, supre bible-beating people in Middle America?" Beauty AND brains too! Well, I'll give her beauty and a wise observation.

A Gay Old Time

Hang in there past the first minute! It's well worth it.

That's it for now! Happy Happy Pride!

Killer Queen

2009-05-21T10:28:00.021-04:00

Why, Hallo Hags and Hag Magnets!

You could practically hear the collective moan as Kris Allen was dubbed winner of last night's American Idol finale.

Idol producers pulled out all the stops last night with tons of cameo appearances from Steve

Martin to the Black Eyed Peas. My personal highlight was a tear-jerking duet between two incredibly gifted Hags, Allison Ireheta and Cyndi Lauper. That Baby Hag held her own and brought down the HAWSE! And during his Idol jam, Adam did his best maquillage, caged his shoulder pads and worked it out with mens who wear more makeup than he does, KISS!

The final performance of "We Are The Champions" with Queen was practically staged for Lambert's victory. Personally, my wet dream would've been to see Lambert come OUT and do "Killer Queen" balls to the fucking wall, right before donning his commemorative tiara and frenching the fuck out of Simon Cowell.

Poor 'lil Krissy's sophomoric looks and chops were painfully displaced next to Brian May's signature frizz (how does it get higher with each year?) and raucous licks. Sure, he's cute in a mild-mannered high school track star kind of way. And even more endearing, his aw-shucks appeal is for reals, as he was the first to announce the win "should be Adam's." Demonstrating the humility claimed by his faith as practice, the good Christian boy made it hard to hate him for winning.

But with each tongue-thrust, one felt Adam - whether intentionally or not - was screaming for his rights and for that reason, the entire gay and gay friendly community had a vested interest in his win. Today Lambert would be chosen by America as reigning Queen of the ultimate, televised prom, tomorrow gays would be allowed to marry in all 50 states and senseless bigotry against the gay community would cease. We would have found proverbial The Rainbow Connection. Sigh. That day was not yesterday. But with Lambert's monumental ascent, there's hope for tomorrow.

In the meantime, we have to sate ourselves with this lam-ay luscious throbbing Euro-dance track, sure to turn your disco balls blue!

Now onto lighter topics....

Biel's Schpiel

Ho Snap!

I jus' loves it when the paps snag a celeb sans face paint! It's kind of freaking me out that her hair, skin and eyes are all the same shade.

According to DListed, Jessica told Allure that she's simply too HAWT to get good roles these days: Jessica said, "Yeah, it really is a problem. I have to be blunt. I'm in there with everybody else, fighting for the good parts. Yes, The Illusionist has made a difference -- but a huge, massive difference, so I can pick and choose what I want? No. I just want an opportunity. If you don't like the audition, don't hire me! But if you don't want to even see me -- that's hurtful. And why? You know nothing about me!"

Aw shucks, Jess. I've got a GREAT idea! We could trade!

Ladies and Gentlemen, We Have An Oxy-Mormon!

How's that for a new term?

This week, Marie Osmond spoke to Entertainment Tonight in support of her lesbian daughter Jessica:

"I think it's sad when we have to separate something from society. Whether it's, 'Oh you're Jewish,' and then it was 'Oh you're a Mormon,' or 'Oh you're gay.' I love real people," she explains. "A lot of women out there have gay children. Who cares? I want love. I'm a Christian and Christ loved everybody."

AIDS Walk!

Granted my "mange foot" (thanks Mr. Pink!) was acting up so I didn't "go all the way," but I beat the curse three years running and actually made it out to walk the walk bitches!

What's more, my team The Buttered Rolls raised a whopping $2,510.00! Here we are, minus photog Pink, at the fountain meeting spot. Now don't give me shit for my pasty pallor. It still amazes me that I woke up 30 minutes before this picture was taken. And I managed to shower! Thanks SO MUCH to those of you who donated for your staunch show of support!

Hag About Brooklyn

I had the great fortune of meeting Mr. Out About Brooklyn at the Brooklyn Blogfest a few weeks ago, and lo and behold, we've formed an unholy alliance. Once a month right around the 1st, yours truly will appear on Out About Brooklyn to dish about our fair city's goings on and offer her sage advice about all matters inter- or extra- personal to all you gals and gays out there. Tune in! This is going to be GOOD!

Ta ta to your ta tas!

Rande's Randy!

2009-05-01T11:56:00.016-04:00

Heidi Hos,

Ready for some hot steamy goss? Pull your pants down, 'cos here it comes!

Rande's Randy!

According to E! Online, Cindy Crawford's handsome hubby Rande Gerber, who owns celebrity watering holes and other hotspots in more than a dozen cities, has been sued by two former employees for sexual harassment!

A pair of women who once worked as waitresses at the Gerber Group's Moonstone Lounge at the Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego, Calif., filed suit against the company and its namesake in March, saying they were fired after refusing Gerber's and other staffers' advances.

One of the plaintiffs claims that, on one night in 2008, Gerber tried to kiss her three times and then put his hand up her dress in an attempt to reach between her legs!

Oooooh, that's naughty! Whatsa matter, Randy Rande? Cindy stop spreadin' for you?

What a dumb ass. Everyone knows you shouldn't shit where you eat. Or in this case, don't eat where you shit.

Blow Job Blind

This one's from the NY Daily News: Which closeted TV icon should be more careful about whom he dates? He has been squiring an infamous gay bartender around town, and everyone’s noticing?

*Cough* Anderson? Bueller? Bueller?

Is Twitter for Twits?

Nielsen says maybe. In this article on Internet News, Nielsen Online Vice President David Martin pointed to Facebook and MySpace at comparable stages in their development. Both enjoyed retention rates twice that of Twitter's, and continue to see user loyalty increase.

Phew! Call me old school, but I find it mighty disheartening having to take another two seconds that I don't have to broadcast every piss I take.

Hey! Why don't they invent an interactive console that hangs off your toilet roll? Then you can Twitter on the shitter!

The Gay Dance Will Be Choreographed. And It Will Be Good.

A Gaythering Storm from Jane Lynch

Check out this hilarious mock anti-gay marriage video,

paid for by God and Doctors. Um, who knew that

useless slut Sophia Bush was a hag?

New Hampshire is working to legalize gay marriage this week, but with the gains come some heartwrenching losses...

In Memoriam

Gays 'round the world are donning black schmatas in honor of the passing of Emmy and Tony award winning actress Bea Arthur last week. She passed at home in Los Angeles, surrounded by family at age 86, after battling cancer.

Her deep voice, towering demeanor and impeccable timing charmed fans for decades.

I remember watching Maude as a kid. I didn't exactly get the double entendres and edgy subject matter, but I did finally get an active example of what Fred Flintstone meant when he said, "Droll. Very droll." The woman worked droll into a legacy.

Bea, your delivery will often be imitated, but never succeeded.

R.I.P.

Michael Palermo 1965 - 2009

Words cannot capture my sadness about the sudden, unexpected passing of my buddy, New Hampshire resident Michael Palermo.

My heart is broken for my dear friend, his brother Alex, Michael's daughter Stephanie, and all his friends and family.

Hug your peeps tight. Because you just never know.

Sponsore Moi on the AIDS Walk! Only Two Weeks Left!

Alright bitches, if I'm getting my ass out of bed at 7am on the one night of the year I get to sleep away from someone demanding a bottle at fucking 4:30am, well, that deserves some cash. So sponsor me on the New York City AIDS Walk, coming up quick on Sunday May 17th.

Click here to go to my donation page!

That's it for now, y'all. Rock the week!

The Power of Reinvention

2009-04-17T12:14:00.016-04:00

Happy Friday Hos!

Let's kick off this week's reinvention-themed gossfest with a lil' before and after...

Revered Thespian to Reality Show Host

What in the name of all that is righteous under the law happened to my main man Rupert Everett? Th is remarkable transformation was featured in Star Magazine this week.

Um, I'd say remarkable is an appropriate term.

Now, I've loved this bitch since high school, when he boldly played a hawt gay prep-school boy in his first big flick, Another Country.

WTF? He pulled a reverse Meg Ryan and made his lips disappear! Did he specifically request Jeff Probst's face?

Dude, 50 = city miles. Save the $30gs and deal. It's called dignity, even if you already call South Beach home.

And my darling, look on the bright side. You'll always have that lucrative gig voicing over the latest Pixar villain. Just know that no matter what you do to yourself, you'll always be a bitchy queen I bow to.

Gwyneth Throws Winona Under the Bus In The Name of Spiritual Evolution

Let's get past the imminent need for blotting papers a second.

Demonstrating how evolved we should aspire to be, Gwyneth Paltrow blogged extensively about how gossip is poison to the spirit -- while throwing "frenemy" Winona Rider under the bus with this tasty blind.

LOL! Nothing like a slap and a kiss all at once. Show us how it's done Gwynnie! Please?

Good News for NY!

According to the New York Daily News, Gov. Paterson introduced legislation Thursday to legalize gay marriage in New York state - to raucous applause from lawmakers and advocates.

"The time has come to act," said Paterson, joined in his Manhattan office by Mayor Bloomberg. "The time has come to bring marriage equality to the state of New York."

Holla! But I'm sure all you savvy bitches are well aware of these good doings by now.

and finally, in the spirit of our Power of Reinvention post...we present:

Lindsey Lohan's EHarmony Video!

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Whatever her current state, you've got to give her points for the ability to mock herself.

That's it for now, bitches. Spring on!

Going Down On..I Mean..With Your Ship

2009-04-05T12:10:00.008-04:00

Heidi Ho!

The good folks of Iowa have legalized gay marriage, so there's another one down. Not that tornados and endless golden cornfields are landscapes that are particularly appealing, but it's a step in the right direction nonetheless. Looks like folks in my home state might not be far behind...New York's Governor Paterson is set to introduce marriage equality legislation in New York.

Thank GAWD!

Goss time!

Lindsey - Samantha - Lindsey?

Okay..I'm going to go on the record and say a month or so ago, I dreamt that Miz Linds decided to end her insanity once and for all by ending herself. So I've had her on suicide watch for a while now. And now US is reporting it might be true. She's made being a hawt mess a virtual profession!

There were rumors her ex tried to slap a restraining order on her ass. Folks everywhere are disgusted with her coke nose. Stevie Nicks had such a visceral reaction to the thought of Lindsey playing her, she told The New York Times, "Over my dead body!" DAY-EM!

Not good, people. Here's an instance where we hope dreams don't always come true.

Efronica

Anyone catch Zac Efron on Graham Norton Saturday night? Poor thang was like a deer in the headlights sandwiched between Graham and Little Britain's David Walliams, but he and his lacquered swoop do held their own. In fact, Efron's hand kept wandering over to Walliams' knee. Sure made my gaydar go, "Woot, woot!"

Blind Item of the Week

Found this on DListed: This foreign born singer who has been in this space before, doesn't even disguise her dislike of her celebrity husband. When she is drunk, her favorite game is to put her husband on speaker phone and let everyone around her listen while she yells at him, calls him names, and humiliates him as much as possible. No matter what though, he still hasn't left.

I'm stumped. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Bruno!
Click here for a taste of Sasha Baron Cohen's take on gay fashion boy in full force. There were a bunch of trailers up for embed before but they've torn them down. So this adds an edge to this question: How do you protect yourself from a dildo?

In The Navy!

This Japanese recruitment video is PRICELESS. Here's to SEAMEN!

Many thanks to my darling Noah Fecks for the hookup!

It's time to walk the walk again. My team, The Buttered Rolls, will be doing the AIDS walk again this year and we need YOUR help. Times may be tough, but the fight against this disease goes on. Click here to donate!

That's it for now! Danke, bitches!

xx
MC

RiRi's Got a Gun

2009-03-27T16:48:00.014-04:00

Happy Monday Bitches!

Is it me or is the general populous out to act the fool lately? For example, I just asked the very bored barista at an empty coffee shop I don't normally frequent to please watch my laptop, which is positioned at the only available table right by an open door, while I took a moment to relieve myself. And the convo progressed as such:

Me: "Excuse me, would you mind terribly keeping an eye on my laptop while I hop in here a sec?"

Him: "Well, I can't guarantee anything."

Me: "I'm not sure what you mean."

Him: "Well I'm merely saying that I might get called away."

Me: "How about right now?"

Him: "Well, I don't know."

Me: "You don't have any customers."

Him: "You never know."

Me: "So I should bring my laptop in the bathroom with me?"

Him: "If you like."

Next time someone answers me so stupidly, get your cams ready because I'm 'bout to pull a Kelly Killoren and SMACK someone down.

Ready for the GOSS?

Ew.

A few weeks back, this blind item was posted on various goss sites claiming a young A list actress with a respectable reputation was carrying on behind closed doors with a very married, cheating dog of an Academy Award winner. And now the dirty laundry is flying on the flagpole, as it's been revealed the skank in question is none other than Natalie Portman. A witness sang to Star mag that she saw them sucking face at the Sunset Tower Bar!

Might want to keep your legs closed there, Nat.

RiRi's Got A Gun

Rihanna flew in one of her tattoo artist buddies to brand her with a few .45s, which were promptly displayed on his/her MySpace page.

How is this news? She's posing with these images that arm her against future physical harm, but also the prying eyes of the paps and the general public's inclination to get all up in her grill about what's best for her.

Maybe she's as loaded as she wishes these pistols were.

TV for the TiVo Impaired

RuPaul's Drag Race

And the winner is....CAMEROOOOOON! After viewing about five minutes of the finale, this was no surprise. Bebe Zahara Benet spoke eloquently about her desire to educate and aid the HIV suffering Africans of her homeland, Ru toasted to her success and, in spite of having to lipsync for her life, the decision was made right there. Beauty booty 'Becca Glasscock fucked it up after claiming Bebe and Nina were jealous of her because they were "old." Nina might be 35, but honey, Bebe -- the winner -- is two younger. I still think you are gorgeous, but calm your poom poom down.

Real Housewives of NYC

If you haven't tuned into this awesome atrocity as of yet, this show is all that's great about reality TV - a heaping dose of the legal deadly sins. And what's interesting is how these women have evolved since last season: LuAnn was the sane one and now she's got a pole stuck up her ass. As the ever quotable Bethanny says - she's not a countess, she's a discountess. Next week features a smack down between Bethanny and Kelly, the new housewife. Personally, I think Bethanny's jeals and has her back up for no real reason. Can't wait for Tuesday!

American Idol

This year, it's all about a boy and his baby hag: Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta. She's the best singer I've seen up there since Kelly Clarkson. Sweet gayfaced little Adam is inventive and phenomenal. Lots of scribes are out to out him, saying there's footage of him in full drag making out with a boy. DUH!

Instead, folks should focus on the real issue: The tone deaf Megan Joy has made it this far solely because she vaguely resembles a bulimic Jessica Simpson. She's all that's wrong with the music business. She sounds like shit, she thinks the white man's overbite is an actual dance move, and her skinny skank ass needs to go, toute suite.

Sick Sad Irony of the Week

So, a WABC newsman was hacked to pieces by a sick 16 year old kid three blocks from my apartment after making the unfortunate decision to score rough sex on Craigslist. The day after all the news trucks packed up and went, Law & Order shows up to film brownstone scenes just one block away. Bet this story makes one of their "ripped from the headlines" season finales. Saw both Jeremy Sisto and Anthony Anderson gearing up for their scenes. Keep your eyes peeled for Henry & Woodhull!

Psychic Friends

No, I don't mean the return of Dionne Warwick. My dear friend, Sir Alex Palermo, has been burning up newswaves around the world since being featured in an article in the LA Times about how people are turning to psychics for advice in these desperate times. Just get a load of him breaking it down for this newsdo.

That's it for now, kiddies!