A Hermit's Muse

Blog Closure

2009-03-24T20:05:00.005+08:00

Yea, sorry to be flashing this sign so late only after all these months of silence. I have been debating for several months with myself on whether I should really do this. Really felt heavy hearted to close this blog. But deep down inside I knew I had to.

It's not that I have truly lost interest in blogging altogether. It's just that my current work schedule does not give me the luxury of taking my time and composing regular length blog post anymore. Nor could I find the time to catch up on other people's blog as much as I wanted to. Furthermore, I am really not like those who could write a post within minutes. So, I was effectively in a dilemma.

I am really thankful for those lovely friendship I have made during my 2 years plus in the blogsphere. Thank you all for your support *hugs*. It really means alot to me. Appreciates the encouragements you've all given me especially during my downtime for you have truly given me strenght to go on during those dark moments of my life. Thank you so much.

One last catch tho....

I am not exactly going to be gone from the blogsphere for good *grin*. As I have found another way of continuing what I enjoy doing. Yes I am still not done with blogging yet. In fact, I found that I have been trully missing it especialy these past few months. Hence, I have decided to start what other called 'micro-blogging' at another site.

My new blog address is at Kleio.Tumblr.com. TUMBLR is a somewhat new blogging site dedicated to micro-blogging. Some calls it Tumblelog, it's a new trend of blogging. Sort of like an evolution of blogging. Things would be short and brief there. And that's exactly what I needed for the time being - Fast and easy way to blog. To share. To express.

Without further ado, I am saying bye to this blog and hope to see you all there at my new venue.

HAPPY BLOGGING TO ALL!

This blog was started on 15th July 2006 and I am now ending it as of today, 24th March 2009, Tuesday @ 8.48pm.

Plurk Me If You Want

2008-11-05T14:30:00.006+08:00

I am tearing down my Twitter corner (it's located on the right side panel of my blog. You would not be able to see it by now cos I am replacing right this moment as we speak) to make way for Plurk. Cos, I've just found out it was kinda addictive and easy to use than Twitter. More interactions between friends.

With Plurk, you could share your thoughts anytime anywhere and also keep up with what your friend's updates. In a way it's just like what Twitter does, but seems like Plurk has better control over the interaction feature. Makes it an ease to send messages to your friends on their updates and vice versa. I am still very much a newbie on Plurk but I shall remedy that soon.

If you like, you are all welcome to Plurk me :D

Butterchoco Blunder Cake

2008-09-17T14:59:00.013+08:00

Just to let you all in on my latest foray... cake baking. I was suddenly ambitious enough today to try baking a simple Buttercake. Or so I thought was simple enough for me not to foil it.

Here is how it first looked like.

Looks quite innocently decent enuff eh?

Here's when reality hits....

It cracked up pretty bad. Starting to doubt if it would end up edible at all.

Reality really is a BIATCH!!!...

I dunno. You decide. I have already given it my all. Sigh..

My desperate attempt on a cover up.... to destroy all evidence of my incompetency even as an amateur baker.

I sliced up the ugly overdone top part as evenly as I could manage with a blunt kitchen knife.

Then I decided to flip it back over cos it still looks just as bad as before. Sigh..

End product...

Hmmm... who knows, maybe I could just pass it off as Chocolate Cake?
Think that would work??

I guess I just had to live up to the fact that - I REALLY CAN'T COOK. And I just screwed up this simple recipe "big time".

I was actually quite happy with the batter I made cos it really looks very fluffy and creamy. There are quite a number of blunders made during the batter mixing time tho. Like I freaking forgotten to sift the salt together with the flour as per the recipe and ended up just chucking that 1/2 tsp salt into the batter last minute.

Then the second blunder was one I could not undo - I forgot to grease the cake pan as I am supposed to before putting the batter into the pan. Well, at least the cake didn't get stuck in the pan when I extract it later. Although I do suspect that all that ugly cracks was due to me failing to religiously follow this last part of the 'simple' instruction.

I have yet to truly taste it as I left it now on the chair to cool off before cutting it as I am typing this post.

Farewell My Beloved

2008-04-09T13:03:00.008+08:00

My beloved grandma passed away last Saturday evening. She died in my very arms. I was alone with her together with my son. We saw her slipping away right in front of our very eyes and was helpless to do much to help her. The question on whether I could have done anything more or differently that could have saved her kept haunting me. I kept seeing her whenever my mind is free.

Others kept telling me and my family that is was a good way to go as she does not need to go thru long period of pain or sufferings. For she had left us while having her dinner (she ate halfway) together with my son by her side. Perhaps it was.... but we are still trying to wrap our mind around the notion that we did not get to say farewell to her or to hear her last words.

Deep down inside, I know I should count my blessing for I am the last person to have held her, sooth her and spoken to her during her last moment. Nevertheless, the experience was one that's going to follow me till the end of my days. It was traumatic for me and my son yet, it was one that one memory only I alone could have to cherish.

We missed her dearly as she was the magnet of our family. She pulls us all together as an inseparable family unit. Without her we are lost.

Though I wished to say more, my heart does not have the strength yet for me to carry on.

I would like to observe a moment of silence in the loving memory of this beautiful woman, my dearest grandma.

This is the memorial message we are engraving onto her resting sanctuary,
for it was one that truly reflect our love for her:

Gone yet not forgotten,
although we are apart,
your spirit lives within us,
forever in our hearts.

Licence to Play

2008-03-12T14:58:00.011+08:00

Currently in a pretty good mood eversince the the last 2 days back. So light and breezy, almost felt like a child again.

So without further ado, here's the story behind my bliss:

A GIFT OF JOY AND GUILT

I was pleasantly surprised by my hubby on last Monday evening when he came to pick me up from work. As I adjusted myself for a more comfortable ride back home, he quietly slipped onto my lap a small white plastic bag.

What I found in that small plastic bag blew me away. I felt a mixture of joy and awe but it was also tainted with a bit of guilt. For he had given me something which I had always wanted and what he thought I have yet to have. When in fact I already own a couple lower capacities ones well hidden away. What's more ironic is that, a few days ago I had just secretly bought another one exactly the duplicate of what he had gotten me now.

If you are now wondering what kind of gift my sweet ol' hubby had given me. I'll like to say that it's an apparatus that'll give me ample joy of making luve with my obsession. To have long and lengthy intercourse. To upload and download stuff. Lotsa stuff.

Here it is...

Kingston Data Traveler 100 [ 4GB ] USB 2.0

Yup, it's a flashdrive. What else did you think it was in the first place? Lol. And, computer is my obsession.

Now that I have two of these handy drives. Meaning 4GB x 2 = 8GB, I am so going to get myself busy. Busy uploading stuff. Packing it full with my goodies. Not bad, not bad at all *evil grin*.

I have just finished uploading this new one with loads of USB portable applications yesterday. Hmmm... I guess the rest of the space calls for more mangas, ebooks and audiobooks. Way to go baby.

Yes, I am touched and very much happy with my dearest hubby's gift. Like what I had always been telling my friends... I'd rather he buys me gadgets than flowers. I certainly don't mind a bouquet of thumbdrives! *chuckle*. It's not that I don't fancy or like flowers at all. I do like em. Just not as much as I adore IT gadgets, that's all.

By the way, my favorite flower is the white lilies. Roses are so old fashion. Lilies are forever pure and fresh.

CHILDHOOD DREAM TOYS

Right after that surprise gift, he suggested we go grab dinner at a local shopping complex.

Just when we are leaving the shopping complex after dinner and a bit of window shopping, we both saw an electronic toy of which have been on my wishlist since childhood. It was yet to be fulfilled up till now.

My hubby looks at me and smile knowingly. As I gasp and delights over the said item on display. As the toy unwittingly woo me over and over again with it's cute antic on display.

Needless to say, he bought it for me. And I am on cloud 9 literally. It's so sweet of him. I felt like throwing myself into his arm there and then and to kiss him silly.

Here, let me introduce you to my current #2 obsession...

Penguins on Slide

I play with it everyday. Switch it on every morning when I woke up to prepare self for work and when I came back from work.

Right now I am keeping my fingers crossed that my son wouldn't destroy it when he comes back from visiting his grandma (it's school holiday now).

Ahemm......

I just had to show you another toy which was also on that long pending childhood toy wishlist of mine. This one was granted during this year's Chinese New Year (February). Yes, again, it's a gift from my hubby.

Here it is...

Wooden String Toy Horse

Wasn't it the cutest? It is now my constant companion at work.

I know you would all laugh at me for being such an overgrown kid. Well laugh all you want cuz I don't mind it. As long as I am happy. That is what counts. Cheers!

NOTE:

Just in case anyone of you are interested to know what software I use for editing the above pictures it's called PHOTOSCAPE. You could get it free here. Well it's a freeware afterall. A really good one at that. Totally recommend it to all.

PICASA from Google is just as great too. Both are worthy image/photo editors and both are free. What more could one asks for?

I really dig PHOTOSCAPE's large templates library for collage making. Another feature which I adore is the ability to append text and also bubble talk diagrams. Oh yea, it also offers the ability to frame up your photos digitally. There are so many to choose from I am literally spoil of choices.

Kleio's Personalised CNY Greetings

2008-02-04T15:52:00.002+08:00

Just a quick post. I had to do this. Cos' it's Chinese New Year the biggest festival for us Chinese. It wouldn't stand well for me to going on long holiday without first wishing all my friends here a very Happy Chinese New Year.

As you are all so very special to me, I have decided to personalised my greetings to all of you by means of a short audio clip recording. Yes, you get to hear my voice, the ever elusive and mysterious hermit has decided to talk, literally.

Just did this recording over lunch today. Hiding quietly in my superior's room with the MP3 player/recorder which I bought with my hard earned money last year. I must say, I sounded very nervous in it. Cos' I am, I am so nervous that my tongue felt so thick and clumsy. Lol. Gosh.

So, here's my dedication to all my fellow beloved blog pals:

Hope all of you have a joyous and eventful Chinese New Year. I know I am going to spend my CNY holidays uneventfully and boringly at my in-laws. Again. Sigh....

NOTICE: Time-out from Blogsphere

2008-01-15T10:21:00.000+08:00

I believe I owe all my dearest blogsphere friends an apology for neglecting my blog and for not updating regularly. Plus, I am also feeling pretty guilty for not paying frequent visits to your site/blog as I used to do.

Please don't write me off yet. Yours truly is just too wrapped up in work. It could be sometime until I could truly get back to blogging full force. Sigh....

Missing you all alot!

An Intimate Disclosure ( Not for the weak stomachs! )

2007-12-09T14:03:00.000+08:00

First and foremost, please do brace yourself for what you are about to witness. Don't say I didn't warn you. It's gonna be something gross and... uhmm.... I am not too sure if it's appropriate to appear here at all. So, to those who had just taken their lunches or dinner or whatever you've stuffed yourself with, please view this at your own risk. Don't come back here and kick me in the arse if your yesterday's breakfast comes pouring out like Niagara Falls.

You are about to witness something very intimate of mine. A part of me since birth till yesterday, I had no choice but to let it go painfully. It was an emotional goodbye. Tears and agony, anxiety and angst.

For the past few years, thrice, I had safe it's life and tried to salvage whatever I could so we could be together longer than it was meant to be. Trying so hard to beat the odds. And yet, cruel history chose to repeat itself again and this time, tis most unforgiving. No doubt it's a punishment for pushing my luck the last couple of times back. Revenge and karma can be such a biatch!

Here's my tribute to the most intimate and important part of me. Sob! I am never whole again!

It's one of my precious molar that belongs to my lower left jaw.

Don't worry, I had clean it as best as I could to get rid of the blood, flesh and nerves that has been clinging stubbornly onto it.

I place it on my palm for size reference. Yup! it's big alright. Talk about size.
No wonder the pain that follows after the extraction. Still pretty much in pain as we speak. Well, the hole is big, the pain is great. Right?

Look at the filling. Almost the whole tooth is fully stuffed from my 3 attempts to salvage it. Just imagine the agony I had been thru, people. Tis not for the weak of heart. Really.

Sorry if you find this repulsive. But, I just had to pay my tribute to this valiant comrade of mine. Anyhow, I am glad to be done with it. Sad but glad too. At least, the nagging and nerve-wrecking pain wouldn't be haunting me again in the future. Hopefully, I could say this for the rest of my pearly whites.

One for the record, this round of tooth infection is the worst one I've ever encountered with. Well, it was (yes, the same tooth) infected the first time I beg the doctor to drill a friggin big hole to save it and that was yearssss back. Thing is, the pain wasn't too bad then as compared to what I had this round. And it was waaayyyy out of proportion kinda pain. It's so physically draining that I can't really function right, much less stay sane. Been popping painkillers and antibiotics like nobody's business as the doctor said the swelling and pain needs to be down before anything could be done. Sucks right?

So, that explains my long absence and silence on the blogsphere. Am I forgiven then? Please? Pretty please?

Hard lesson learned from all this agony:

Toothache is worst than the pain of giving birth.
Hands down on it. Period! Not debatable!

Do I made myself clear?

REVISION: Manga Kleio - Tis is how I look like

2007-11-19T09:28:00.000+08:00

Gawd! I have just noticed last night an embarrassing and glaring mistake on that manga self I have drawn and then posted here on Saturday, 17th November 2007 while I was idly browsing thru some of my manga magazines.

It really shows how amateur I am at this. Cos, I have literary forgotten to draw eyebrows on it. OMG *shakes head unbelievingly*. How could I have possibly left it out? Now, the more I look at the previous drawing, the more I felt how silly it look. Lol.

Later on, I have noted another feature on my face wasn't depicted on the drawing. You see, I have double eyelids - something many people would proud to have. Hence, I then boldly and deftly added it on the drawing.

It seems to look much better now. Right?

Since I do not know how to color it using graphic software, I had to revert to the traditional way - using color pencils.

Oh yea, some of you had asked the meaning of the Japanese characters contained in that speech bubble. Actually in romaji it reads as, "Hajimemashite, Dozo Yoroshiku". Meaning, "Pleased to meet you" and "Please favor me". Something like that :D

Manga Kleio - Tis is how I look like

2007-11-17T10:54:00.000+08:00

Attempted another piece of doodling yesterday night while watching the telly with my hubby. This time, ala MANGA style.

Since I am posting it here, I am hopping that my hubby can't remember or recognize this drawing of mine should he came to accidentally stumbled upon it on the net *sweat*. Yea, I am showing it to you at the risk of blowing my alter ego cover. Ok, ok, I am being paranoia again. Tee hee hee.

This manga gal kinda represented myself. My hair looks more or less like that in the drawing. With big eyes and a generous mouth. Except one thing, one thing that is my own imagination or I should say, wishful thinking... the F-cup boob. How I wish! Hahahaha

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UPDATE:
19th Nov 2007 : Found a major mistake on this drawing. Here's my revision.

Typical Work Day

2007-11-09T14:20:00.000+08:00

Decided to doodle a bit yesterday evening out of boredom while my hubby's peacefully sleeping the holiday away. Yesterday was Deepavali, a major celebration or holiday for the local Indians. Happy Deepavali to all Indian friends out there!

My little boy was peering over my shoulder excitedly as I doodle away, giving me instructions here and there and throwing countless questions at me.

"Mom, is that daddy and mommy you are drawing?" Little Jet frowns looking at the artwork in progress. "Where is Little Jet then, Mommy? Why am I not in the picture? Please draw me in it too" Little Jet sulked and pleads.

"Yes boy, that's mommy and daddy. No you aren't in this drawing. Mommy promise to draw your picture later ok. Hush now" Kleio tries to pacify.

"Mommy, is that daddy's car? You should color it black you know.... why aren't you coloring it now?" pestered Little Jet. Poor mom is getting quite irritated with all the attention and tries hard to hasten the completion of the doodle.

Here's the completed doodle of what Kleio's typical work day looks like:

Click on image to enlarge

I know I wasn't much an artist. It's pretty amateurish, that I know too. Tee hee hee.

People, I didn't exaggerate on the part where I could fall asleep while chewing my food. Heck, I had even once fell asleep with a straw in my mouth while sipping my drink in a restaurant right in front of my hubby back then when he was still my boyfriend. I am so pathetic! Is is a sleep disorder or sumthing? Yea, and you know what? My hubby thinks it's cute. Duh!?&%$#@

Why Do We Always Hurt The Ones We Love?

2007-10-20T17:02:00.000+08:00

I really felt so strongly that I should share with all a post by a fellow blogger. This post of his, made a deep impression on me. It was a very poignant and riveting post, one that I can't help but to share my own sentiments with.

Please do take some time off to read this piece of beautifully written article. You would then know why I am so enamored with it that I had posted a rather long comment after reading it.

Here's what I have commented (unabridged):

Ahh, this post of yours sure brought up lots of my memories and past experiences. Many of those questions or insecurities are also the very same ones I had until a couple of months back when I truly understand what I need or wanted.

It was only then that I realized giving in all the time and bottling up frustrations are really not they way it’s suppose to be if we expect the relationship to grow, mature and stabilize. Avoidance of negative issues only makes matter worst. As these issues wouldn’t simply just go away by ignoring it, as it would only start building up and silently gnaw away our inner self - especially our self-worth. Losing our sense of self and dignity in a relationship would only lead to a stagnant, stale and unhappy outlook.

This is what exactly happened to me. I kept stalling the matter, thinking if I just continue to give in and try to change or mold myself according to his ‘idea’ everything will eventually fall into it’s place. However, unfortunately that wasn’t the case, and I found out only after much pain and suffering in both parties. Then only I realized, I must be happy and content within before I could bring happiness to others especially to my love ones. It’s only a simple equation. Nonetheless, it’s one many failed to see.

Hence, it’s equally important that we strive to find a balance in between. To address the true feelings of both parties. And this balance could only be achieve through face-to-face heartfelt dialogue. For this to work, courage, sincerity, determination and wisdom must be employed in these dialogues. This is what I did recently with my other half and now stand to witness the simplicity and greatness of this basic human interaction which many failed to recognize and make good use of. (Yup, I blogged about this live-changing experience of mine).

To simply put it, lack of communication IS the main downfall of many relationships/marriages. Communication is an art, one that all human beings needs to master in order to be successful in life. I now constantly remind myself the fact that, every individual has their own set of principles, thinkings and reactions. Whatever it is, everyone deserves to be heard.

I know this comment of mine if a bit too lengthy, but this article of yours makes me feel very strongly. Hope you don’t mind me sharing these quotes with you:

“A healthy relationship, is one in which two people encourage each other to reach their respective goals, while sharing each other’s hopes and dreams. A relationship should be a source of inspiration, invigoration and hope.”

“Love is not two people gazing at each other, but two people looking ahead together in the same direction - by Antoine de Saint”

“If you lose yourself in love just because you are bored, and veer from your path in life, then love is nothing more than escapism.”

“Happiness is not something that anyone else, even a lover, can give you. You have to achieve it by yourself. And, the only way to do so is by developing your own character and capacity as a human being, by fully maximising your potential. If you sacrifice your own growth and talent for love, you absolutely will not find happiness.”

“It is demeaning to be constantly seeking approval. If you find yourself in a relationship where you are not treated the way your heart tells you you should be, I hope you will have the courage and dignity to decide that you are better off running the risk of being alone for the time being rather than enduring an unhappy relationship.”

PS: I copied all these quotes I found in a book into my organizer and kept it with me always as a reminder that I could achieve more for myself and for my family. Every human beings has his potential. I hope my comments did not unintentionally offend you or anyone here.

PPS: Actually, I visited this page in particular several times already ever since I got your mail. I didn’t comment back then because I knew I wanted a deeper discussion in my comment. So here it is a long-winded one. Hope you don’t mind. LOL

Take care. And do write more. You are doing great already.
Kleio da Muse - October 18th, 2007 at 11:23 am

What's your sentiments? Care to share?

Old Flame Memory Lane

2007-10-10T15:38:00.000+08:00

I know I have been neglecting my blog for quite sometime now *ducks flying objects*. Sorry for that. Was kinda still feeling drained after my Exhibition Guide stint. So now, today, I am back again. Tho I wasn’t feeling very well of late. Been down with flu and fever. Still recovering from it as we speak. Am now breathing through my mouth due to my stuffy nose hence suffering from dry throat and mouth symptom.

I was on medical leave yesterday and had an uncomfortable surprise meeting with someone I have long forgotten when I drop by at the clinic that I frequented. It was my hubby who drove me there accompanied by our little boy too.

When I first caught a glimpse of him I thought I was hallucinating from the fever. Gosh, is it really him? I had to ask myself a several times. I dare not meet his eyes but walked pass him nonchalantly and plopped by butt in a seat next to whom-I-believed-was-his-wife sitting on his left holding a toddler girl around 3-4 years old.

It has been such a long time since we last contacted each other. If I am not mistaken, it was like over 10 years or more. That was ever since I was in a steady relationship with my hubby.
Why am I fretting about seeing him there? Well, thing is, it’s quite an awkward situation as he was my first love. He was the first boy that had held my hands. Now, I could not exactly recall if I had also given my first kiss to him. As things are quite a blur now given my goldfish-memory.

Seeing him again brought back floods of memories…

Our Hot & Cold Love
We started our puppy love during our secondary school days (high school). I have to admit; I was kind of just following the trend back then, as everyone seems to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend to show. Since, I was never lack of suitors, I thought it would be cool to have one too. Plus, he is a hot item, very popular (especially among the gals and the guys like him too) and handsome too. I kinda fell for his boyish cuteness. Yea, I was THAT shallow back then. LOL. But hey, give me a break coz I was still in my early teen years at that period of time okay.

What we have was an on-off kind of relationship. Let’s just say, there’s just too many distractions, for him that is. He attracts whole lots of female attention and I gain lots of hate-filled-glares from these gals. Not that I really care, as I was usually too preoccupied with my school grades. I know where my priority is even back then. Had even blatantly told him so, that he comes second after my grades. I remembered asking him not to pester me with his phone calls especially nearing examination period.

He is very much different from me in terms of placing his priority, family backgrounds and academic studiousness. To begin with, he doesn’t even understand English or shares the same interest in books like I do. He was a truant at school, joined the gangster and later on, dropped out from school during his second year.

I think I don’t even need to elaborate any further for you would have predicted that our relationship didn’t last long. To cut things short, we only lasted about half a year then broke off… and then got back on again, a couple of times – on his persuasion. Beats me. I really do not know what I had in me that had attracted him so much for him to try to patch up with me so many times even after I have graduated from high school and college.

The Public Show of Embarrassment
I could still remember that one appalling event where he gotten very drunk and was screaming my name on top of his lung over and over again, at the front gate of my house in the middle of the night! To my dismay, my neighbors were all woken up by his ruckus and I could clearly see the steam coming out from my mom’s head. To make the matter worst, he kept falling down together with his motorbike a couple of times and had to struggle back up with our help. What an embarrassment.

I was hoping the earth would just open up and swallow me whole there and then. He did it just because I dumped him. In the end, we had no choice but to call his parent to pick him up, as we could not persuade him to go away on his own accord and my mom did not have the heart to call the police on him. I thank my mom in my heart for that even when I feel like kicking his ass for this mess he got me into.

Oh yes, I got an earful from my mom after that. I hated him for it. Yet, somehow I did felt a little bit guilty and touched at the same time. Except not enough for me to disregard my mom’s decree for me to stay away from him. Haha. Stay away I did… but not too long, as we got back together again after sometime, in secret.

Gosh, maybe I do have a weak spot for cuties. Especially cuties like him – boyish and charming. I’ll melt just by looking at him smiling. Love his voice too. Ah, come to think of it, I still do have an affinity to boyish charms. Let me see… the Jpop songs I currently adore are mostly sung by males with boyish voice. LOL.

Gawd, am I getting perverted from old age? Someone, please save me!

In a Tight Spot over the Accidental Meeting
Now that I see him sitting there with his wife and kid. I can’t help but to wonder if he’s happy now with this family life. I think that he must be wondering the same thing too when he saw me with my hubby and kid.

I wasn’t brave enough to risk a sensitive row with my hubby therefore I did not try to catch his eyes at all. I knew that he did glanced at me a couple of times, but I doubt he would initiate a greeting also – he is after all in the same inconvenient situation like me. I would have greeted him if we were both alone. Just a friendly hello, that’s all.

I know you might think that I am some sort of a vain-pot to fret that I am not looking at my best due to my sickness (flu and fever) and dressed only in a pair of worn-out short pant with a tiny pink tee. I am a far cry from how I used to look like during my school days, no doubt. Chancing a meeting with an old flame in this sort of condition wasn’t very appealing or flattering at all. Don’t you agree?

A General Question to All:
What would you do or how would you react if you were in my shoe – chancing an accidental meet with your old flame?

Random Muses: Smoldering Red Appeal

2007-09-21T17:14:00.000+08:00

Today I am wearing a body hugging skirt suit in blood red. Feeling awesome. Cuz, this time I don't even have to wear a girdle to keep things tight. Yes. My tummy's looking better and better these days *smug grin*.

Sorry folks for my long absence. Shall try to update you all on the next post. See ya!

Snippet: A Sigh... of Relieve!

2007-08-17T14:43:00.000+08:00

Just to update on yesterday's supposedly nerve-wrecking meeting on the Exhibition Guide thingy. Well, I am glad to say... it went quite well and I wasn't as lame as I thought I would be. Horray for that. Yes! Phew! I am glad I had somewhat breezed thru this untraumatized. I could now for the time being, breath, eat and sleep normal again. That's until the next meeting. Gosh!

Anyhow, I am quite pleased that I had manage to participate as well as contribute my ideas during the brainstorming session and not freeze like an idiot. In a way, it helped me to prepare myself mentally on what's to come next.

I thank you all for the good luck wishes. It helps.

My Blogging Personality

2007-08-16T14:27:00.000+08:00

Grabbed this test from Tine just now. At first, I did the test just for the fun of it. Later I decided to post it here as the test results pretty much surprised me - I find most of it quite true.

Though I am not quite sure about the last part. Cos' I haven't yet met anyone who pisses me off. Hence, I don't quite know what would be my exact reaction should this scenario ever chance upon me. Anyhow, I trust myself to be a level-headed person. And strongly believe that, everyone has the right to be heard. Most importantly, everyone's bound to have differences in their views and their own sets of principles am I right? And I respect that. This is also what makes things interesting in the first place. Agree?

Your Blogging Type is Pensive and Philosophical

You blog like no one else is reading...

You tend to use your blog to explore ideas - often in long winded prose.

Easy going and flexible, you tend to befriend other bloggers easily.

But if they disagree with once too much, you'll pull them from your blogroll!

What's Your Blogging Personality?

So errr... what do you think of this test result of mine? Is it exactly your sentiments about moi? I would love to hear your honest thoughts. You may also slap me on the face if you want but please do it with tact. So I wouldn't get back at you. Muahhahahahahahahaha....

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Current State of Mind: Anxious & Nervous.

Very very anxious and jittery due to tonight's forthcoming appointment. It's a meeting cum training sort of thing. As yours truly has volunteered herself to be an Exhibition Guide for one of the Peace Promoting NGOs. The exhibition is in about another month's time. It's set on September.

Might be posting about it here. Not very sure if I should cos' I would then be risking exposure and inviting trouble. Tee hee hee.

Why the anxiousness? Well I don't think I have adequately prepared myself for this meeting which they have also promised a brainstorming session as well. Geezz. I am so going to humiliate myself tonight. Then again, there is no one else to be blamed but myself cos' I didn't spend more time reading the materials given. Every time I look at it (materials), my head started to spin. Gosh! I am so lame.

Wish me luck ok. I need it sorely.

Rockin' Girl Blogger Award

2007-07-20T16:05:00.000+08:00

I am so touched by Tine's kind gesture in awarding me with this badge. Thank you Tine, for this lovely badge. I shall wear it with honor and pride.

This is the first time I got awarded with anything, after one whole year of blogging. It sorta like an achievement. Yay. Tine, I wanna let you know I think you rock too ;)

And now, whom do I think befitting of this badge? Here's the list of gal bloggers whom I admired and respected very much:

Gina (Absolutginger)
Che-Cheh
Firehorse (Fatty Poh's Kopi Tiam)
CC (Quaint Melody)

You all deserve this badge and I salute all of you cos' you gals totally rock!

Highschool Flashbacks & High Dramas (Back-to-the-Future Style)

2007-07-19T14:44:00.000+08:00

17th July 2007, Tuesday

This particular morning, I was pretty hyped-up by a post written by Tine. It’s about the ups-and-downs she encountered during her high school days. I felt so nostalgic reading this post of hers. I was literally overwhelmed by my own excitement that I had couldn’t refrain from posting two quite long comments to share my own experiences with her. And I felt good doing it too.

I figured it would be cool to post something about my past too… this is something I had noticed wasn’t my usual style here. I guess I did deprive you all from a chance to get to know me better huh. A chance to know the roads this Muse had traveled to become who she is today. So, a little bit of background history wouldn’t kill I guess. LOL.

Here goes the story of this Muse during her heydays *“tut-te-tut-tae-tut” keying in the codes into the Time Machine*

SWIRL…. SWIRL…, SWIRL… (spiraling down the time portal in full speed).

[Kleio in full highschool light blue pinafore with white short-sleeved-shirt and her long-thick waist-length luxurious-black-hair pulled back in a samurai style fashion secured with several (I mean many) pieces of rubber-hair-bands plus a larger than life curry-puff like fringe gel to perfection]

Well, that’s pretty much how I looked like back then. Trying my very best to fit in, at least in terms of appearance. I could never really fit in emotionally though. Not until I met Gina (my best friend even till now) during my 3rd year (Form 3)… but, that was for another story, unless you all don’t mind another long drag. LOL. So, I’ll just have to keep that for another time.

Of Differences and Barriers

Now, why would I say that I couldn’t really fit in? Thing is, I am what my peers considered as a partial Chinese, but that is only in terms of up-bringing and not that I aren’t in anyway physically “pure Chinese”. Alrighty then, maybe I did look slightly off the part of looking truly of Chinese parentage. I could still remember people kept asking me whether I am half Japanese or of mixed parentage. I guess it might be because of my fairness in skin tone, well probably. Anyway, I really don’t get it until todate as to why my looks generated this sort of speculation at all *shakes head*. To me, I look every part a pure Chinese.

Apart from the so called ‘unconventional look,’ it doesn’t really help me fit in with a huge language barrier in line effectively barricading me from the rest of my peers. This was another reason why my peers called me a partial Chinese or what they fondly nicknamed as a ‘Banana’ (a direct translation from Chinese ie. Siang-Jiau-Ren. It metaphorically meant, ‘Yellow on the outside but white in the inside’ – meaning a westernized Chinese who doesn’t know his/her Chinese heritage or main language ie. Mandarin) a quite degrading nickname they gave to those like me. I am pretty sure others out there like me would concur with this.

Actually, this dilemma left me feeling alienated and left-out, hence I turned resentful towards my parent’s decision in enrolling me into a National School instead of a Chinese Medium school which was supposed to be the normal practice by the local Chinese community. I felt ashamed of not knowing Mandarin and of not having deeper knowledge of my Chinese heritage. At that time, it makes me felt unworthy of being called a Chinese at all. To the point of almost wanting to hide behind a fabricated lie that I am not pure Chinese but of mixed parentage (I didn’t do it tho. I now think it is rather silly of me to have that kind of thoughts.)

In a way, all these really affected my self-esteem. Therefore I submitted to my peer’s never-ending jests, teases and was even bombarded with many unflattering nicknames. Kids can really be amazing with their creativity in making up nicknames. My beautiful name (I have an English name apart from my Chinese one) was twist and turned into so many versions of distasteful nicknames, that I was so fed up with, so much so that I had one time decided to adopt a new name for myself at school. Mom gave me an earful when she found out tho.

It was just so easy for them to get away with the teasing because I can’t tell even if they were to made fun of me right in front of my face as they always did it in Mandarin. To me, it was like hearing a foreign language that I have no inkling of whatsoever. I have no choice but to let it be.

Now, I am proud to say that my current comprehension of Mandarin has improved tremendously, all thanks to the idiot-box’s never-ending streams of TV dramas in this particular language. Credits have to be given to my little boy as well, for encouraging me to pick up this language. That’s because I have no other option but to learn it, as my son is currently enrolled into a Chinese medium kindergarten and I found this is the most effective language in communicating with him. Hence begins a series of broken Mandarin at home. LOL. It was fun tho. Helps create light moments to wash away the daily stress and tensions.

Grades & Studiousness

Grades, hmmm… this is a rather tough one to answer. Let me see, I was constantly struggling with couple of subjects. Maths unfortunately is my woe. No matter how much effort I put in… I barely scrap the passing grade. Freaking hate Maths (arithmetic) even till now. It’s really nothing short of a miracle that I managed to somehow secure a credit (passing grade) for it, enough for me to get myself through my highschool final year examination. I guess Lady-luck was with me after all, that I need not repeat another year at school. That would suck Big-time.

History wasn’t my forte too. Don’t get me wrong tho. I do enjoy history it’s just that I don’t fancy studying local history. My interest leans more towards the international atmosphere. Another thing about this subject that irks me are the dates I have to cramp into my Goldfish-Memory (I am plaque by early stage of Alzheimer disease it seems). My short term memory is almost non-existent. You know, I could be standing right in front of my gate holding the keys in my hands and asking where the hell I put my keys! (incidents such as this and similar ones has and kept repeating itself many times throughout my life). I am so SICK of this and part of the reason I am currently pushing myself to pick-up the Japanese language is to stop my brain from wasting away. Hopefully in the near future, I would not have to repeat this phrase again and again, “Oh I am sorry, I forgot” *roll eyes*.

Alright so, basically my grades aren’t too bad. I would say I am neither an underachiever nor an over-achiever (just like how Tine put it). What’s my best subjects then? It has to be English, Science, Bahasa Malaysia (the national language) and Geography. Wasn’t too doing too badly in my Art class too.

Since I am top in class for my English studies, it helps me somewhat get back at those peers who had laughed at me being the so called partial Chinese. It felt good to see them toning down their ego to approach me for help in this subject. Ha! See, who has the last laugh now. Muahahahahahahaa.

A bit about my study style, I would sit at the dining table at home diving into my homework as soon as I get back from school till evening. I would only budge from time to time for nature calls or to get some sustenance from the fridge. I get my rest there too – sleeping while sitting upright with my head resting on the table drooling away. My grandma seems to be very fond of recalling this memory... she kept repeating it to friends and family *embarrassed*.

The Popularity Scale

[Kleio gingerly steps onto the “Popularity Scale” with trepidations. Forehead full of nervous sweat]

Well errr… how should I put it? I was umm… ahh… quite well received by the umm… opposite gender. In fact, there’s this one time where a bunch of so-called, “Tai-kar-cheh” (Cantonese: means, Big-Sisters… as in female gangsters) threaten to do me harm should I not avoid the attention of a particular cute boy of which I didn’t even know in the first place. Cos’ a gal in the said group has got the hots for him (Psst… and that cute boy has got the hots for yours truly). Yea right, I told them to go get a life and when they did get unruly I ran straight off to the teacher’s lounge. It was so funny to see them get cold feet and chicken out. Cluck… cluck… cluck… cluck. LOL. Man, that made my day.

And for the record, that kawaii boy became my first boyfriend. That is, if he could be considered as my "boyfriend" cos’ I wouldn’t even let him hold my hands. LOL. I does defeat the whole idea right. Actually I had a long history with this particular boy afterwards. But, I’ll leave that for another post... only if I feel like telling it. He is after all… my first love and the best looking one throughout my strings of suitors.

I can be quite daring and reckless at times tho I did tone down a bit nowadays. I remember I once threw a bottle (a plastic one of course, I am not a murderer) at a male classmate, because he irritated me. I think he messed with my beautifully sculpted hair. There was also another time where I kicked a ‘bangku’ (chair) towards that same idiot. But it was me that got hurt from that tantrum in the end. Sucks!

Oh, I forgot to mention one itsy bitsy detail *raises eyebrows suggestively*… I was the Assistant Class Monitor at that point of time too *grin*. Surprise! Surprise! For a clearer picture, I am talking about my first year in highschool kay (Form 1). One more thing, I am also a Karate student back then. I guess that pretty well explained why I had the (I nearly said balls here. LOL) guts to readily take on these unruly peeps. I am pretty harmless now tho, with my muscles and guts all gone down the drains eons ago since the day I have decided to perfect the feminine side of me due to my increasing interest in the opposite gender. Though I must blame it all on the raging surge of female hormone during my 2nd onset of puberty *bites lip*.

One more for the record, I was also the secretary for Interact Club during my fourth year of highschool (Form 4). My best buddy, Gina was the President of the club. I had much fun, exposures and also faced with many challenges in this club. I even got into an argument with Gina then. It was our first fight and the last; we never fought afterwards till to date. And we are still best of friend.

From this point onward, I think you could deduce that I am most certainly do not belong to the geeks or nerds packs. I am probably a semi IT-gal. Semi popular only. I believe I get to be at this level just because I am different and this gets me attention out of people’s natural curiosity. So you can actually say that I stick-out-like-a-sore-thumb amongst my peers.

I have to say that life is fair after all, I might be ridiculed and alienated but I fare better than em’ in my studies and social conquest.

Lastly, I would love to tag a few friends. I didn't actually meant for this post to be a meme, but I really think it would be an interesting tag. So there's no obligation okay. You can chose to indulge me or you could ignore this tag by all means. I would not be offended in anyway ok. My main aim is just to get to know more about you.

These are the peeps I would love to know more about:
Gina (Absolut Ginger)
Che-Cheh
Tien Soon (Tien Soon's Tech Blog)
Kenny Mah
Stev Blogs
Firehorse (Fatty Poh's Kopi Tiam)
Kok (Not so complicated)
VHanded
Mikey (Mikey Mike's Subliterate Zone)
Peggy (All the Beautiful Things in the World)
CC (Quaint Melody)
Paris Beaverbanks

1st Anniversary of, "A Hermit's Muse"

2007-07-14T09:53:00.000+08:00

Hi there peeps! I am back. And tomorrow is my blog’s 1st Anniversary. Hence, I am now dedicating this post to my beloved blog. So, Happy 1st Anniversary to Hermit's Muse!!!

A Walk Down the Memory Lane
Humbly yours started this blog on 15th July 2006 last year after much self-conflicting deliberation and courage gathering. Actually, I had amazed myself by reaching this 1-year milestone… didn’t thought I could have lasted so long when I first started it.

I could still very much recall my first post entry, lamenting on my lack of writing skill and ze self-bashing for my crazy notion of starting a blog. Yeah, I was that low in my self-esteem at that point of time. I am proud to say that I have changed… more aptly put – EVOLVED. I have grown to be more self-assured and learned to speak my mind plus, am not as shy as before. LOL. I could still pretty much remember the countless times I had bugged my dearest old friend, Gina (she’s the one that had inspired as well as encouraged me to blog) for assurances on my writings *laugh* as well as to how and what to say in one of my fan-email to a fellow blogger I had admired so much (I still am missing him even till now tho). Gina-san, I take this opportunity to express my utmost thanks to you for making this blog a reality. Domo arigatogozaimashita.

Reflections – Lessons thru Blogging
The biggest benefit I had experienced from blogging is that it opens up my perspective, changed the way I perceive others as well as my own self. It seems that by having a blog, I could see my inner self clearer… it’s like giving my inner self a voice of its own and thus, enabling me to re-evaluate things in a way I never did before. By doing this, I came to realized what I actually wanted in life… what I needed to pursue and what I should not waste precious time harping on.

I would say, in a way, blogging is like putting a mirror in front of you… helping you to see those minute but important details we often failed to notice before. Assisting us in sorting out those of importance and those insignificant ones.

To sum it up, the strength and new knowledge I had gain through blogging had lead me to a rapid inner growth and self-discovery. Plus, I have also learned to make peace with myself.

I must say the once shy and unsure hermit has found her voice again. Cheers!

Selective Posts that makes this Muse

Itchy Butt Dilemma
I am bringing this post up because it’s the highest hit post. And most of the hits came from search engines referrals. It boggles me really as to why so many people actually searched for the keyword, “itchy butt”. I get visitors to this particular post almost every day. Now that’s something to muse about. LOL.

Chef for the Day ( In-house Pizza Pancakes )
Now, this particular post marks the first time this hermit (yours truly) shows up in a photo. Not forgetting also that it is also the first time I blogged about food and cooking. Yeah, I can’t really cook. My cooking is edible by human beings but that’s just that, fullstop.

Losing Sense of Self
This post marks the first time I came close to stripping and baring my soul to all due to one of the usual bouts of household bickering.

Top Five Favorite Movies -- I've been tagged!
I kinda like this post as I really enjoyed writing this particular meme and on top of that, it was my first time being tagged. Hence, it was a meme post by a Virgin-Meme-Blogger (VMB).

The Ultimate Confrontation
Now this one is the one I that had impacted my life so much that it shifted my whole perspective and aim in life. It’s the turning point and a cross road of my life. Whenever I felt weak in my resolution at any given time, I would recall what I have written and promised myself in this post. It had never failed to push me on again and face my challenges with courage.

Doing the Maths
Ze main sum of all sums, ze Hermit has matured in terms of writing, thinking and interacting. Just take a look at my first post and make the comparison, you would be able to deduce what I meant by that. LOL. At that time, someone had actually told me I write my post like a screenplay. I have to thank him for making that comment. It helped me to improve a lot. I am not saying I am great at writing now, but at least it is more palatable.

Errr… again, this Muse has inadvertently written another long winded post. But hey, this is after all my dedication to my beloved blog right *wink*.

Lastly, I thank you everyone for being a friend and for being so supportive when I am down and also for all the encouragements and sharing.

Random Muses: All Tied Up

2007-07-02T14:55:00.000+08:00

Just a short note to let all my treasured blog friends/visitors know that I foresee a period of low blog hopping or posting for me due to my current work commitment and other personal ventures.

Please don't hate me for not visiting as frequent *glassy doe-eyed innocent look*. Anyhow, I promised to drop by as frequent as I could manage and also to post whenever I could... cos' I really do love you guys.

Thank you for understanding. Anyway, this inactivity or low activity period would only be for a couple of days if not a week or so.

Domo arigatogozaimasu 　ども　ありがとございます　(Thank you)

Updates on my Japanese learning quest:

Have been scurrying around the net of late for some free materials for Japanese learning. And lo behold! Just like I predicted… I am not disappointed with the galore of goodies I managed to dig up. Will try to share it here with all when I have the chance to do so.

So far, this Muse has managed to pick up around 10 or more common Japanese words and learned a ~~few~~ ahem... actually, it is only four hiragana characters i.e. あいえお (a, i, e, o)… that’s about all I know. Tee hee hee

Oh yeah, about FRIENDS ABROAD, I am actually experiencing some problems with the site. It's quite buggy and unstable. Then again, maybe it's just because it's not compatible with Firefox. *shrug* beats me. I am still going to give it a few more tries though.

Friends Abroad – Language Exchange

2007-06-22T14:22:00.000+08:00

Was searching through the net for Web Apps when I stumbled upon this one particular site which piqued my interest. It’s a social networking site for language learning called FRIENDS ABROAD.

This is their introduction of the site which I plucked out from here:

Hi, we're FriendsAbroad, an Internet languages company based in the United Kingdom - we're about 30 miles from the centre of London.

Our aim in life is to help you and millions of others to improve your language skills.

FriendsAbroad is the language network. Free to join, FriendsAbroad is an online community of millions of users in over 200 countries speaking over 80 languages. So far, it's been a lot of hard work with only small revenues coming from the advertising on the site.

We have lots of exciting changes in the pipeline, and hope that you'll be happy to pay a small amount per year for the additional language learning tools we're working on.

For now though, do join and have fun conversing with people all over the world about whatever interests you! Everything you see here today is free and will remain free.

Want to know more about us: meet the team.

So, in less than several minutes of going through the registration, I am now an official a member of this social site. Why sign up you ask? Well, at first I was curious… as curious as a cat and very much like a moth attracted to the fire. I know too much of curiosity wasn’t a good thing, and it could potentially harm you if not kill you. Ha, I am being overly dramatic here. Thing is, I felt that more good than harm would come out of this one. But then again, let's just see if this could be true.

Secondly, I do hope very very much to be able to learn Japanese. And it seems learning so interactively via the easy to use methods provided by FRIENDS ABROAD, could well be the answer to my quest of learning the language.

They encouraged us (members) to write a few things introducing ourself to other members around the world. And wrote I did… a very very very long intro nothing short of being obscenely long winded. LOL. In my opinion, it looks more suited as a blog post than a short introduction of self. Therefore, I thought, hey, why not post it here for all to have a good laugh at my silliness and at the same time introduce this fabulous site to all. In a way, you will get to know more about me that I have yet to disclose.

Here’s what I wrote to introduce myself:

I am a Chinese woman from Malaysia. A beautiful tropical country with what I consider as... a place with "extreme weather" i.e. it's either too much of rainfall or too dry and sweltering hot. Would really really love to experience snowfall or milder weather elsewhere.

One of the places I longed to visit is Japan. This particular country would and always will be on top of my travel wish list. Why was that, you ask? Things is, I've got this long time obsession with almost anything and everything Japanese. Especially fascinated with the Japanese language, that is. Hence, this is why I am here at FRIENDS ABROAD - to seek the golden opportunity of pickup the Japanese language. I would really love to be able to watch Japanese Anime without the English Subtitles one fine day. Yes, I am a crazed fan of Anime too. Guess I never did grow up. LOL.

Right, I believe I should give you an inkling of my present grasp of the languages I have listed in my profile;

ENGLISH
Well, I can speak and write 'passable' English. In fact, I think my written English fares much better than my spoken one. I had to admit that I do have some pronunciation problem. Now, I do not claim that my English’s is prefect, as I do know there's so much more room for improvement. Therefore, what I believe is that, by helping others out in this language... I am also brushing up my own skill at the same time. Who knows, I might even have the good fortune of meeting someone with stronger command of the English language and prosper in it in the end. It is a win-win situation here at FRIENDS ABROAD right? By sharing, in return, we gain. How perfect a partnership.

CANTONESE (CHINESE)
The next language I commanded is the Cantonese (it's one of the many Chinese dialects - one of the major ones, anyways). Though, I might be 'pure' Chinese and this is in fact my mother-tongue, I couldn't read/write any of it. To tell you the truth, I even struggle writing my very own Chinese name. Gosh! Uh-huh, I am that bad. The only consolation of mine would be being able to at least speak the language. Phew! So, does this make me any less of a Chinese? I beg to differ.

MALAY (BAHASA MALAYSIA)
Malay is the national language of my country, Malaysia. It's the language my country use for its academic system. I was quite good at it during my schooldays. I could speak like a Malay native and write almost like one too. My grades for this subject is very promising... at that period of time. However, things have changed over the years as I integrated myself into the rat race world (corporate world). Where English is the dominant language used for business. And so, gradually, my proficiency of this particular language fades and stunted in the background. Anyhow, I think I still haven't lost touch of it in totality. I could still understand it well enough and also speak and write 'passable' Malay if the need arises. Though I do get mental-block using it sometimes. It's only an understandable weakness, agreed?

OTHER MUNDANE STUFF ABOUT ME:
I own a blog. It’s a place where I could practice my written English and improve my confidence in it. What better way to learn and improve a language than to practice it for real. Don’t you agree?

Apart from that, I also love reading and commenting on other people’s blog. It’s another good way of learning the language and improving your ease of use.

So, if any of you are interested or curious about my blog, I welcome you to visit my humble blog at www.ahermitmuse.blogspot.com (my primary blog) or at http://kleiolee.vox.com (my mirror site and social networking site). The name of my blog is, A HERMIT’S MUSE. The reason why I adopted this name is because I am practically a hermit in real life. I am always holed up at home… but it’s due to some personal issues and not exactly what I chose to be. Yes, I am quite a loner… but I do enjoy occasional gallivanting if given a choice.

Another thing about me is that, I am a caffeine-addict. The talk of coffee gives me instant mood lift. It’s almost like I couldn’t live without it.

To All My NEW or SOON-TO-BE or FUTURE ONLINE FRIENDS of FRIENDS ABROAD:
I welcome all with open arms. Therefore, don't hesitate or be shy about writing to me.

To those who would be kind and generous enough to teach/coach me on Japanese... I thank you in advance with much gratitude *Bow, bow and bowing even lower*. Domo Arigato Gozaimasu.

Hope to hear from you soon.

If you wanna take a look at how this introduction look on my profile page at FRIENDS ABROAD, click here. Though I am not quite sure if you could actually view it without an account with them.

Lets just see what this impromptu spur-of-the-moment thing brings for me. Hope it hails good returns though. In terms of me being successful in learning a few more Japanese words... good enough to hold a basic conversation, I would be more than happy already.

THIS IS NOT A SPONSORED POST. Tee hee hee. Just to clarify it before anyone thinks I am writing this for moolah... something I don't do at all. But, I am not saying I wouldn't embark on it in the near future should circumstances permit it.

Tian Xia Wu Shuang (天下无双) - (A love) Unparalleled Under the Sky

2007-06-19T16:55:00.000+08:00

This is one of the many songs I came to love and cherished very much. It is actually a theme song or original soundtrack of one of my favorite Chinese drama... a wuxia drama, "Return of the Condor Heroes 2006". A considerable large scale production by a film production.

The combination of breathtaking natural sceneries in China coupled with smart play of CGI and also not forgetting a dashing main actor with an equally beautiful and ethereal looking main actress has cause this production to be very well received indeed. In fact, I was preeettty crazy about it. I watched and rewatched it so many times that I had literary lost count of how many times I succumbed to its charm. LOL. And YES, I did ogle at the suave main actor to my heart's content. He has got the most infectious smile I’ll tell you.

Okay that's that, now back to this particular soundtrack. This is the intro soundtrack for this drama. I am so drawn to it by the sad and sweet voice of the singer telling an equally sad story of an undying, faithful and sincere love filled with trial and tribulations.

Here’s the lyrics in Chinese and Pinyin as well as the translations to it:

天下无双 - Tian Xia Wu Shuang - (A love) unparalleled under the sky

sung by Jane Zhang Jing Ying ( 张靓颖 )

穿越红尘的悲欢惆怅
(chuan yue hong chen de bei huan chou chang)
Going through across life's sadness and happiness

和你贴心的流浪
(he ni tie xin de liy lang)
With you as a close companion, (we) wandered around

刺透遍野的青山和荒凉
(ci tou bian ye de qin shan he huang liang)
Piercing through horizons of remote mountains

有你的梦伴着花香飞翔
(he ni de meng ban zhe hua xiang fei xiang)
Dreamt of you flying with fragrant flowers

今生因你痴狂此爱天下无双
(jin sheng yin ni zhi kuang) (ci ai tian xia wu shuang)
Devotion to you in this life, (my) love is unparalleled

剑的影子水的波光
(jin de ying zi , shui de bo guang)
A sword's shadow, water's ripples

只是过往是过往
(zhi shi guo wang shi guo wang)
Just passing by, just passing by

今生因你痴狂此爱天下无双啊 .......
(jin sheng yin ni chi kuang) (ci ai tian xia wu shuang)
Devotion to you in this life, (my) love is unparalleled

如果还有贴心的流浪
(ru guo hai you tie xin de liu lang)
If there is still a companion to wander with

枯萎了容颜难以忘难遗忘 ........
(gu wei le rong yan nan yi wang ... nan yi wang)
A withered facet is hard to forget, hard to forget

Well, I do hope you all enjoy it as much as I do. Please do not hesitate to share your thoughts on it.

Here's some beautiful pictures to appease you visually :P

Note: I actually did this post for my VOX Lyrics Translation Group. Then I thought it would be good to post it here too for the enjoyment of others who love this song also.

Pachelbel's Canon in D Variations

2007-06-04T17:03:00.000+08:00

A collection of Pachelbel's Canon in D variations. Hope you would all enjoy it as much as I do. Frankly speaking, some of it blew me away ;) Didn't know Canon could have so much of attitude in it... just listen to the Canon Grooves, Canon Techno, Canon Rock and so many others listed here.

Hope you all enjoyed it as much as I do. I AM a crazed Pachelbel's Canon fan. Hooyah!

Oh yea, do check out this site/blog, Tribute to Pachelbel. There are many different versions of Canon arrangements listed here.

Current Mood: Joyful and Thankful

Current Distractions: Of late, I've been busy hopping around my IMEEM & DEVIANT ART playground.

Other Musings: How many sites does a gal gotta have? I've quite lost count of mine :P No wonder I am so distracted at times. Ahahahaha. Dunno what got into me that I've gotten myself a FRIENDSTER account too. Yeesh!!! Actually someone invited me to be a member, and I kind of follow the lead... one thing leads to the next and lot behold another site to care for :P I am still not sure if I am gonna be maintaining it tho.

My Gratitude to All

2007-06-01T15:58:00.000+08:00

I wished to express my gratitude to all of you for your comforting words and encouragements in my previous post. I am so happy and lucky to have been acquainted with you all. I am so touched by the sincerity and concern shown by all. You have made me felt so loved and blessed… no longer alone and scared.

Here I dedicate my heartfelt thanks to:

My Blogspot Friends
Gina, Tine, CC, Kok, Law Tien Soon, Stev, Paris Beaverbanks, Che-cheh and Firehorse

My VOX Friends / Fellow Voxers
Masako F, Shellakers, Mikey,Crashley and Clippedwings

I have learned much from you all and I valued each and every word written to me.

If you are interested to follow the comments… below are the links to both sites:
At my BLOGSPOT blog
At my VOX blog

Updates on my Mending Heart
Things have been going quite well for me and my hubby. He is much more sensitive to my feelings now. Though there are still some stuffs we needed to iron out, but I’ll take it step by step.

All in, I am quite happy with my decision to stay on and have another go at our relationship. Things are indeed looking much better now. I for once, wasn’t feeling as trapped and hopeless anymore. Though there’s still this small part of me who wished to be left alone without him sometimes. I guess I’ll still have to work on rediscovering my love for him again. I can’t just switch off love and then switch it back on again just like that. Love IS just more complicated than it is.

Once again, thank you for your prayers and best wishes. Shall try to update on this whenever I can.

The Ultimate Confrontation

2007-05-16T15:56:00.000+08:00

WARNING: This post might be disturbing to some. So advance with care and stop if you can’t stand it. To tell you the truth, I am somewhat sicken by this post. But I felt that I had to do it… to get it out of my system and also as a reminder to self.

How do you view confrontation? Do you shrink from it at all cost? Does the mere mention of it cause you to cringe? Or on the contrary you feel that it’s an absolutely necessary endeavor to bring about change, realization and acceptance?

As most of you already know… I had been in a rather depressing mood of late. Thus, I am hereby confessing on what’s irking me, slowly eating up my patience and threatening my very own sanity.

Has been feeling hopeless, worthless and on the brink of suffocation again… intensively so since the last few months back. Yes. This is not the first time I felt this way. Just that this time around, it has simply magnified out of proportion. Even so, I kept my suffering to myself and tried to drown it with other distractions – which aren’t working that well. Except music has been a constant soothing presence though only a temporary reprieve.

Achilles Heel
I for one am a coward when it comes to confrontations. It’s my main weakness, my Achilles heels as some might put it. Maybe I am just too soft in nature and lack assertiveness. In general, I am such a person who’s incapable of displaying much aggression – even when provoked. Worst of all, I get tongue-tied and at times started stammering during arguments especially when I am feeling really pissed off. Sigh… like the Chinese sayings, “Mo yuk yi” (meaning: there’s just no amount of medicine can cure me). It’s almost like a deadly disease in me that wouldn’t budge no matter what. I think it’s hardwired into my subconscious mind.

Sometimes do I wonder if this trait of mine could be the residual effects of my own parent’s fallout which made me shy away from any form of confrontations? Whenever there’s one staring up at my face I’d just go silent or monosyllabic and sometimes spaced out too. Almost like a stage fright syndrome. My husband always complained that he felt like he’s talking to the wall every time we had a disagreement. I would just ‘froze’ and look at him like a dumb-dumb.

Of Trial and Tribulation
Little that I know that all this dodging could have caused me so much pain and heartaches. I thought I could just continue to ignore my own heart and mind’s calling by suppressing my own desires… willing it away, thinking that everything will eventually fall into its places soon… one fine day perhaps. Thus, patiently I have waited and waited for 10 freaking long years condemning myself to a depressing reclusive lifestyle.

I was the ever obedient wife, a ‘Yes Woman’ to my assertive and possessive husband. I know that it was partly my own doing that cultivated this unnatural and suffocating relationship with my inability to protect and preserve my very own dignity and pride. I just never know how to say, ‘No’ when it comes to him. It wasn’t helping that he is a very domineering and distrustful person to begin with. Hence, often times I cowed in his presence – always thinking twice before saying things, fervently trying to follow his every mood and wants. Then again, please don’t get me wrong, for he is a good husband in many other ways. I am grateful for his attentiveness and respect towards my family members, for his ever protectiveness over me and my son, for the sacrifices he made for us and for putting me and my son’s best interest first.

Throughout these 10 years we had not once fought and not make up quickly after it. In fact, he would not hesitate to initiate the make up on the very same day… this is how much he loved and cherished me. Maybe it’s because of all these good qualities I cherished in him and his leading demeanor compelled me to bow to his every whims and fancy. He is a very persuasive person and I am just the complete opposite of him. The balance is just not there and both of us failed to acknowledge it. Or I had chose ignorance as an excuse for my cowardice.

All in all, I didn’t have the heart to cheat my dearest only son out of a father figure. I love him very very much and he deserves the best I could give him. I am ready to sacrifice my very own soul and happiness just for him. I guess he’s the main reason I had stayed on in this staled marriage of mine. I had to be responsible for him, hence responsible for every action and decision I chose. He is innocent afterall and none ever is his fault. If anyone should be blamed, it’s us parents. For him, I played the part of an ever docile wife though my own heart is drowning internally.

Turn of Events – Letting Loose the Cat
12th May 2007, Saturday night

Finally, the dam broke last Saturday night. We had a row concerning my son. I was at fault this time and I had owned it up. Berated me he had, with much gusto too. However, he had decided to press further and stepped on unstable ground which shook my already fragile state of mind and crumbling resolve to keep mum on my long withheld discontentment, in my pathetic bid to avoid the inevitable outcome of an imminent confrontation. It was then, the already over spilling and unstable dam broke… as I pour out all my anguish and resentments I had garnered and guarded all these years beyond caring the consequences and price I had to pay later. I might as well let it all out. Damn. It felt good though I am feeling apprehensive too.

I struggled with words to make him understand my plight and resentments. That I felt suffocated by his overbearing character, my lack of freedom and independence, lost of dignity and pride and most importantly I mourn the lost of my sense of self. The pain of wearing that everything-is-ok mask each and everyday. I am tired and I am fed-up with all this façade. In a way, I am but only lying to him and even to myself… that everything is just fine and dandy. I admitted to him the fact that I know he’s not to be blamed entirely; it was as much my own fault as well as his, for I had failed to express my own desires and to contest for it due to my own weaknesses. Due to my Achilles heel.

To tell you the truth, I was pretty surprised and yet relieved that he had managed to remain somewhat calm and collected throughout our dialogue. It wasn’t heated but it was intense. He has his share of discontentment outpour and as usual he debated every statement I made easily. I felt like a fool and a silly girl yet again. As I all that I had said was dismissed as being childish and selfish. Gawd, what I am I supposed to say to make him see the picture. He kept misunderstanding my problems. He said he can’t believe I’d do this to him, that I could be this cruel after all the efforts he put in to make me happy. To ensure my happiness comes first before anything else.

With things going nowhere, with both of us being frustrated and hurt. He declared that he is disappointed in me and proposed for a divorce to get it all over with. My heart was overjoyed and yet confused and unsure if this is for the best. On one part, the idea of being able to release myself from this emotional bondage and to breathe free again was very very tantalizing. Yet, on another part, I am not sure of how it would affect my beloved child, of whether this is exactly the ending I sought for and dreamt of. I really couldn’t describe on how my emotion rage that moment. So many things to consider, so many things would change so many uncertainties and so on. I couldn’t just give a straight off answer just like that… this is how serious I am towards this relationship, towards my commitment and responsibility for the family. Yet he pressed on for the ultimate answer of which I couldn’t bring myself to say it.

Anyhow, at least I believe I had somewhat gotten some of my messages through… that I no longer love him as I do, that I despises his very presence, that I hated him and that I am feeling suffocated by all his restrictions. My soul is so wrecked that I felt there’s just two options left for me to end this pain once and for all… a divorce or …… saying goodbye to the world (something I couldn’t even bring myself to say it loud). Yeah, I told him of these ugly images too which had been playing itself endlessly and silently in my head. I know the later option is stupid and selfish, but I just can’t help myself no matter how I had tried to be optimistic. That horrible notion just wouldn’t let me go. I hated it. I hated myself. Hated how helpless and weak I felt. I don’t even know who I really am these days. Just an empty shell drifting aimlessly towards time. Each and every freaking time I tried to stand up and be strong again he’d just push me back down again. It’s like he’s so bend on seeing me broken. Maybe I am just insane for thinking so – for I can’t fully trust my own distressed and disturbed mind now.

I had even surprised myself this time, for I had not cried or really felt like crying this time around unlike previous episodes. Is it a sign that my heart is already dead anyway. So numb and indifferent it is. Given up.

So on we talk from 12am till 3am plus in the morning. Till I had shown my fatigue and unwillingness to carry on on yet another bound of aimless discussions. So quietly we left each other alone to retire though restlessly. I had a hard time falling asleep. So much to think. Yet my mind’s quite blank and incapable of it.

Coming to Terms?
13th May 2007, Sunday

Today’s the special day for all mothers out there. I don’t feel like celebrating. Still confused and shrouded with anxiety and uncertainties. He didn’t acknowledge me in the morning and left me pretty much alone and then left for work himself. I was elated he was gone. At least now I would have the time to ponder about last night. In the end, I left the house with my son in tow for my mom’s house across the street, finding myself unable to stay in the house. Maybe I sorely needed company today. Even though I knew I wouldn’t in a million years seek my family’s solace. It’s my own shit afterall. And it’s already in a mess I don’t really need more people to mess it up more for me. So, I decided to act normal, as normal as I could.

Deep down inside I crave for company. Someone I could pour out my heart with. Someone not judgmental. Someone who’ll not take sides. I had sorely tempted to call my buddy, Gina but didn’t succumb to it in the end. I don’t exactly know why. I just don’t have to heart to trouble her and put my burden on her. I knew she would side me no matter what, but that’s not what I wanted. So I chose to be alone with my family members surrounding me, but very much alone and kept to myself.

In the evening I went along with my family for a Mother’s Day celebration at a nearby restaurant. That’s when my grandma and mother started questioning my husband’s absence. And I told them the truth… I had a row with him last night. Full stop. No further questions entertained. Not inclined to disclose it anyway. I am sorry to have left them hanging and worrying over me, but I don’t need further headache at the moment.

Later at night, my husband approached me again. He actually apologizes to me, but for all the wrong reasons *roll eyes*. He still didn’t get me. Or has he chosen to feign ignorance? He then promptly proposes we retry again. Give it another go. If not for him then for our son. I was apprehensive and too unsure. I dallied and he brought up the possible scenarios of a divorce could cause and he stated clearly to me his intention to do whatever in his power to gain our son’s custody. Then he reasoned that it’s karma that brought us together and nobody could outrun karma. He cited, even if I should leave this family, there’s no promise that all these existing karma would not repeat itself again in my new life. I had to agree with him on this part about no one could avoid karma as it takes its course.

I told him clearly that I was apprehensive if it would work this time around. I really don’t have the will to take another 10 more years of the same agony. Yet, I felt I owe it to my little boy and for my husband’s sheer determination to try again though I had fears in my heart.

Then I relented.

I told him that this time I shall be different; I shall strive hard to fight for what I want and shall steel myself courageously in the face of confrontations (it’s a resolution I made for myself too). I made him understand that this is a crucial change I sorely needed in order to make it work and to avoid history from repeating yet again. I shall strive hard not to keep things bottled up like I used to.

It’s my final fight, my final straw. Hope he will realize it and make the extra efforts to change for the better too.

Starting Anew
14th May 2007, Monday

He came to me in the morning before with went out to work, telling me he realizes his failure in providing for me and our son financially and for not taking us as frequently as he should for family together time. He then proceeded to declare that he would woo me all over again and makes me fall in love with him again and that he did not blame or hate me for falling out of love with him.

When I heard the first statement, I was disappointed though I am happy with the second statement, as he had clearly shown that he had still not understood what I need, what I want. And yet I already told him on the first night of our row - What I wanted is really very simple. I just wanted respect, trust, dignity, my privacy, my pride and to regain my sense of self. Just for him to respect my individuality. That’s all. That’s all I ever asked for from the very beginning of our relationship. And it’s never, NEVER about money.

Am I that hard to please? Am I asking for the impossible? Am I truly asking too much?

Alright, as I had only last night promised myself to voice out my opinion over matters I disagree and not shrink from it in the future… I once again, explained my expectation and needs as openly as I could. Keeping my fingers crossed that it hit home this round, or I shall have to do it repetitively no matter many times. Geezz, am I that difficult to understand?

Do pray hard for me people that things will get better and he would come to his senses and start to understand what it is all about.

About this post:
I am pretty apprehensive about posting this but I knew I had to do it to get it out from my system. Had to write it down as a firm reminder to self.

Sorry about the length of it though. It’s lengthy but I still feel I have yet to be able to get it all down. I did an auto count with MS Words and I have written a total of 3,447 words on this post. This is definitely my longest post. Hope there aren’t too many typos or grammar mistakes in it. It’s bound to have quite a number of it, I know. Please pardon me.

I hope I didn’t scare any of you off with this angst-ridden post of mine or bored you all to death. I also hope that this post did not unintentionally offend anyone. If it did, please accept my apologies.

Current Outlook:
Shall keep my heart and mind open towards the promised changes. Shall work on building up my courage from now onwards. I know that it is going to be another long and hard journey… but I shall make it worth my while this round. Like they say, it’s now or never.

Question to all:
So what’s your view on the importance of confrontation? How would you react if you are met with one?

Inspirational Quotes

Some quotes I found which I am now drawing my strengths from and learning from it. Just to share it here with all.

“The important thing is to take that first step. Bravely overcoming one small fear gives you the courage to take on the next.”

“It takes courage to become happy – courage to remain true to one’s conviction, courage not to be defeated by one’s weaknesses and negativity, courage to take swift action to help those who are suffering.”

“If you summon your courage to challenge something, you’ll never be left with regret. How sad it is to spend your life wishing, “If only I’d had a little more courage.” Whatever the outcome may be, the important thing is to step forward on the path that you believe is right.”

“Ideal love is fostered only between two sincere, mature and independent people. It is the inner struggle to polish these attributes that is the key. …Real love is not two people clinging to each other, it can only be fostered between two strong people secure in their individuality.”

“If you are neglecting things you should be doing, forgetting your purpose in life because of the relationship you’re in, then you’re on the wrong path. A healthy relationship is one in which two people encourage each other to reach their respective goals while sharing each other’s hopes and dreams. A relationship should be a source of inspiration, invigoration and hope.”

“Anyone can hit a wall. The anguish felt then is proof of one’s desire to move forward. But all is for naught if you falter at that moment. Action-that is the key to breaking through an impasse.”

“Why doesn’t constant trampling defeat the dandelion? The key to its strength is its long and sturdy root, which extends deep into the earth. The same principle applies to people. The true victors in life are those who, enduring repeated challenges and setbacks, have sent the roots of their being to such a depth that nothing can shake them.”

“No one can better bask in summer’s balm than those who have endured winter’s bite. Similarly, it is those who have suffered through life’s darkest hours who are able to truly savor the bright dawn of happiness. The person who has transformed the worst of fate into the best of fortune is life’s champion.”

“There is a saying that the earth upon which we fall is the same ground which enables us to push ourselves up again. There’s another which maintains that barley grows better after it has been trampled on. Human relationships are sometimes painful, but there is no such pain from which we cannot recover. It is up to us to decide to live a life free from self-doubt and despair in spite of our failures. Indeed, it is during our most humbling moments that we should show greatest poise and grace. Then the dignity of our lives will truly shine.”

“Genuine happiness is found in courage. Courage is the gateway to happiness.”

Note: The above are quoted by Daisaku Ikeda and it can be found at Ikeda Quotes.