A Journey for More than Existence

I Believe.

2014-11-17T15:29:00.002-08:00

Two words. A simple statement of fact.

I. Believe.

I believe cats exist.

I believe air can be breathed.

I believe we landed on the moon.

I believe in Jesus Christ, Messiah, Holy One, Lamb of God, Savior, Master, Lord, God, Father, Brother, Friend.

I believe.

I've spent years wondering... Why do I believe? Believing in a creator, a god was as natural as breathing to me. I've even tried not believing, and found myself saying to God that I didn't believe in Him... yeah.

It's as ingrained in me as my own DNA, in fact... I could say it is my DNA.

Brains more complex then any computer built by man, (contained in an object the size of a head and made of flesh not electronics), eyes, hands, feet... cells...

Heck, the process by which TREES exist... I only see a creator. A designer. A master in all areas of art.

Do I have a point?

Not really. I just believe in God, I believe he became a man and died for me and every person who walks by me day by day.

And the more time I spent wondering why I believe, the less time I spend behaving like I believe.

Some think we're crazy... believing in something we've never seen, and I don't blame them.

I've got to believe... because, Life would be pointless otherwise.

I could debate, beg, and try to convince anyone who reads this in God, and maybe... I might.

But I couldn't change their hearts, or give them joy that weathers everything, free them from mental/spiritual bondage. I can only believe that God will do that for them.

I won't stop blogging, erratic as it is, and I won't stop striving.

But I think I'll stop asking why, because the answer is "I believe in the Death, Burial, and Resurrection of Jesus. That the shedding of his blood cleansed me of sin, and I will be with Him in Paradise. And that I have the opportunity to live a life to it's fullest here on earth until that day."

I guess I did have a point. :)

God's Will...

2014-08-20T16:55:00.003-07:00

So LifeCity (My home church if you didn't already know) is currently doing a series called God's Will. But that's not what this post is about, however my pastor is quite excellent and you should listen here. :) Shameless I know, but it was a very good word shared.

Onward! So, this idea of God's will has been on my mind, and for any one who has even remotely attempting to follow the Teaching's and Lifestyle of Christ then this question has crossed your mind. "What is God's Will for me?"

So, we start looking at Pastors and Teachers, Missionaries and Prayer Warriors, Healers and Servers, and we feel more inadequacy then we can handle. And we decide to just coast along waiting for God to tell us what our big mission is going to be for him! Apparently the Christian church is saturated with a Hero concept. Big earthly mission, big heavenly reward, maybe a little bit of press cause "unto all the world", right? And we listen to the big names in press, the big names in our churches, the visiting missionaries, and popular out of town visiting pastors! They have these incredible stories of how God called them to what they're doing now, and our hearts soar with excitement and we say "I can't wait until God does something like that in my life!"

And as time passes, the pastors leave, and missionaries return to their fields, you wait... and nothing happens. You get frustrated at work, your family seems to be a big distraction, "Can't they understand I'm waiting for God to call me to something big!", children grow up, friends move on or pass away, and you're still wondering why God hasn't called you to some big mission. Headquarters must have lost the invoice, the message was "lost in translation". And so you serve your heart out at your home church, and you settle into a life that is not as glamorous as you wanted. But something tugs at your heart, those kids in your neighborhood, the older widow whose alone, that friend you always meant to catch up with, and you go before God and say "I know I've probably missed out on the big mission, I'm to old and tied down now, life's gone by to fast, but... can you show me how to serve those around me? I can at least do that."

This is where something amazing happens, those people day to day, begin to notice that you care about them, that you care about who they are, what they like, and little by little you see them. They're hurting, or lonely, or even joyous and unpredictably fun to be around, they want to laugh, they need to cry, and one day there comes a moment that is the most glorious thing you can experience. Your friend, that you love, and have prayed for endlessly, whose debated with your over scripture and God, who you've gone on vacation with, and whose kids call you "uncle" or "aunt", he comes to you with such a light and joy in his eyes as he says, " I get it! I understand! I'm free, my friend, Christ has freed me just as you are!" and you, you who wanted to be apart of something big, get to see something huge and can rejoice personally in it.

Obviously this is a fictional concept, but it's happened to people. It truly hit me a while back when our CityGroup had a visitor, a friend who lived in Israel, and when we asked her What mission did he give her, what calling was pressed on her life...she responded in confusion. Her answer was simple, she just lived her life and shared Jesus as much as she could. No big calling, no giant mission, just living life. As I've studied the bible growing up, I don't see many if any mentions of people getting calls from God because they've ignored their lives and are just waiting. I do see him calling the faithful, the wondering, the lost, the busy, the frustrated, the limited, and the weak.

"Why the picture of the book?"

Because... I'm going through this book with my friend, and we're living life and experiencing the growing pains of following Christ together. We were talking today and noticing how each chapter we've gone through has correlated with events within our Church, our lives, and our friendship. We're not reading this on a schedule, we're reading it as we remember and have time, but what we've read has been perfectly timed. To us, that's an example of God's will in action. That the tools we need are appearing as we need them, the conversations, tugs on our spirits, and knee jerk reactions of "I just wanted to check in", are perfectly timed and designed by God for us to grow closer to him. We've been faithful, we've been wondering, lost, busy, frustrated, limited, and weak. The calling is

"Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20 ESV

That is a blanket command... There is God's will for me.

Wow, do I struggle with that. But, I do not despair, I have before, it's not fun, but there is grace, mercy, and strength, for the fallen, frustrated, and weak.

I hope this is encouraging to you.

Return of Affection...

2014-08-12T19:17:00.000-07:00

So, I'm an affectionate person. hugs, highfives, bumping into, and just messing around are normal things I do to express affection for people. Not an uncommon thing, I know.

However, for some people, myself since that's my main source of info in this area... when we struggle with stress, change, hurt, anger, sin, addiction, we tend to withdraw from being affectionate. Especially while single. If this season goes on to long we begin to "forget" that we're affectionate people, and affection, especially physical, becomes awkward. Family and especially close friends aren't affected as much, but mostly new friends or friends whom you've had/having difficulties with.

That's been my life for the past year or so, but then the healing processes start and if said person is highly self aware that person will suddenly realize they have a vast craving for affection both to give and receive and their first thought is "People are going to think I've gone crazy". But thats ok, being yourself is a good thing and even if people think you're crazy it'll pass as they realize it's just you!

On my personal side of this season the effect of the "dark time" involved me not doing things I enjoyed, not wearing my rings/bracelets, finding grey/boring clothing, not watching tv shows/ movies that I really enjoy. While these things are not vital to me for existence, they are me, my personality, who I am. In small ways our style, likes and dislikes, all add up to who we are and how I believe God made us to be. So, denying those things is denying who I am, which drives me deeper into the "dark time".

So coming out of this season triggers a rapid amount of changes, (coming out of this season being last night and today) and a major sense of being disoriented. Like getting glasses when you haven't had them for a long time. But there's this amazing feeling when you know, "I'm being me as I am, who I am, and its good." These are times of celebration, not to be over analyzed and deeply understood, just experienced and enjoyed.

So this is a celebration post of freedom and good feelings :) Yay!

So, if you read this and I'll see you anytime soon be expecting a hug, in fact just walk up and get one! I won't mind!

On Leadership...

2014-08-03T11:53:00.003-07:00

"Many years ago", as in almost ten, I was told "You are a natural leader." I laughed, I would still today if it wasn't for where I am now. As a fifteenths year old the idea was laughable, I just followed whoever would take me. Prophetic statements seem strange or laughable at the time that they are spoken, but when the reality of them comes true you can not deny it.

Now, I've never ever ever openly said, "I want to be a leader!". I've said "I prefer to follow", "Just tell me what I need to do", and basically have jumped from one service position within churches to another and have never truly felt fulfilled and satisfied in my labors. Surprisingly, I found myself suddenly in a leadership position... and it is hard work.

I understand now why we're called to pray for our pastors, and even our world leaders. Leadership is hard work, it takes thought, energy, intentionality, passion, awareness, strength, and wisdom. Leadership is about giving and giving and giving until you've got nothing left to give and you still do, it's about inspiring others to more then they thought they could or what others thought they could, it's about empowering people in the abilities God has given them personally, and creating environments that inspire success and growth.

Leadership is also about giving grace in the times that need it, and firm fair judgement in times of conflict. And I am not a natural at many if ANY of those things! So, I laughed at my friend. But now, I think about my life and I look back at times with friends, and just the situations of life. And I see that being a Natural Leader doesn't mean that leadership comes naturally to you, it means people naturally gravitate towards your leadership. Good or bad, they will lean towards it.

Natural leaders are magnetic and they can't help but gather people to themselves. I'm not... A Outwardly excited happy rainbows and butterflies kinda guy that makes people feel good, but I can't deny the influence I have. That means I get choices, I can keep running from group to group, I can lead begrudgingly and miserably, or I can accept my struggles and strive to excellence with joy.

I've been through the first, I'm coming out of the second, and am going into the third. What changed? I got tired of moving around for the first, it became exhausting to keep running. On the second, I realized the effect that unhappy begrudged leadership has on the people following you.

Also, my eyes had to be opened to what all my teams and I do. We build a stage every single week, we put together sermon slides, and utilizes our graphics and creative teams efforts, and the combined efforts of the different teams creates something amazing. I had to see that, nothing physically changed about the work, but I could finally see what other people saw in it.

I still don't exuded butterflies and rainbows, but I can smile, laugh, and enjoy the place I've come to lead. It doesn't change the work, but I think it changes the weight of the load.

Brotherly Advice...

2014-07-05T21:52:00.001-07:00

I have two incredible siblings. They're both very smart, mature and wise beyond their years, and fully capable of facing the world. I've never been concerned for them in safety or stupidity of action because of these facts. I certainly never thought I'd be giving them advice on life...
I was wrong, but I've been right! Weird statement, but it's true.

I've actually had things to share when they have questions or concerns, I've had experiences so I can warn them, made mistakes so I can show them better ways. I never thought about the things that they didn't see, the things they didn't know. I figured they learned enough from what they did see in my many varied mistakes in life. (All made by me despite warning labels!) ((Also, if you have younger siblings: THEY ARE WATCHING YOU!))

I was blessed with siblings that looked at my choices and actions and said "Well, that was stupid, I know what NOT to do now." Rather then the ones who tried to reenact what I did. They had a wide sample size, but as life is moving forward, as they grow and enter into situations and experiences of their own... I find myself not only having things to share, but knowing how to share them. How to point to their strengths and weaknesses and saying "Here, use this, avoid that, you can do this." I've also had the joys to watch and be apart of other peoples lives and I've seen good and ugly, and I've been able to incorporate not only those, but the successes of each of them to each other.

As a big brother who grew up just a little to close in age, we were always growing together, what one was experiencing the others were too. That changed when I moved out, and I missed it, the growth and experiences in my life dwarf theirs to some degree and I didn't realize it until I started being around them again more.

And I don't think they realized it either, or in my brother's words. "So, when did you become all wise and stuff?" I didn't really have an answer to that, because I was over here stewing in my stupidity. Wondering what could I ever share with anyone that would be helpful?

I get the opportunity to not only share advice, but to get instant feedback (which has been very positive...) on it. I get the opportunity to be there, and when they bring things up I don't need them to fully explain, or in the words of my sister. "I can tell by your face... ok! so..." which means I'm not giving blind advice into an unknown void hoping something works!

This made me think, God didn't just shoot ideas into the dark and say "I hope someone listens...". He gave guidelines and warnings, ways of living, and a future goal to look forward to.

Galations 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

This is what we strive for... or should be. Who's against a person who shows love? or dislikes a joyful person? A person who is peaceful in everything? What about someone who is always patient? Always kind? Just a good person? Someone who never betrays you? Always gentle? Fully in control of themselves?

No one, no one I've met, and if someone did its only because they don't see those same qualities in themselves, and that's not on me. If someone has an issue with me being loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled... then I'm going to show them more love, I'll be kinder, gentler, more patient.

I want to share these qualities with my siblings, their future families, my friends and loved ones, the random people I meet throughout the day. I want this because in doing so I get to be more like Christ, and the more like Christ I am the closer I am to the things His heart loves. You do the things that the love of your heart loves, and Christ loved my heart long before I loved His.

So, I want my advice to my siblings to always point towards love, so that they guard their hearts, save their affections, and live peacefully with everyone. And have fun while doing so. :)

The Yo-Yo or the Hand?

2014-06-14T21:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just have to write. Tonight is one of those times.

Today was one of those "I've been really productive but I don't have anything to show for it." days. This plus other human struggles of spiritual failure had me in a funk. A funk that would not release, and technically hasn't lifted yet. God has this way of pointing things out to you though, especially in these low moments.

I picked up a dusty journal and flipped to the bookmark. Date 1/15/13, so... a while ago.

In that entry I discuss my struggles with controlling my tongue, the need to love from my spirit and not out of obligation. I also wrote down a prayer,
"Dear God, I have a heart of obligation, not love. Please change that inside me and the root of what has caused it."

I don't pray that way anymore... I don't even think that way anymore...

I'm in survival mode. Bills and Food. Work and Church. Which is why today... getting ahead on laundry and doing dishes just because felt weird, and started this profound chain reaction of frustration and self loathing that kept building until I opened that journal. Now in that entry I also mention having to buy a Yo-yo, the one in the picture. I had to buy this toy because God put a picture of it in my mind, but I didn't understand why. A good friend told me to buy a yo-yo, and wait for God to tell me. I mulled over it, forgot about it, found it again, mulled again. I had many theories but nothing was solid.

After reading that entry I looked up... at the yo-yo. Sitting right in front of my face, and I had my answer.

I am an 11 o'clock hour guy, I thrive in the stress of only having moments to get things done and am decent at making them acceptable. I am so much this way that it is infused into chores, bills, hygiene, friendships, my life.

What does that have to do with a yo-yo? A yo-yo can not return to the hand without momentum, it has to be spinning, otherwise it becomes immobile. The person must then roll it back up by hand and start again. I had lost momentum, become still. I was the yo-yo, God the hand. I would jump around on that string at the 11 o'clock hour, but would become limp again. So long as it has momentum a yo-yo can be easily drawn back to the hand, the longer it's still, the more tangled the string becomes, the harder it is to get it going again.

I wasn't allowing God to untangle me, wrap me back up, and get me rolling again. I just wanted to be still. God wants to show off his skills, to show the world what He can do with me, to dazzle and bring joy in the wonder of all He is, and I keep tangling the string.

I like being real, I like being open. So, if you're struggling with momentum, let God untangle you, roll you back up, and give you push. You'll keep returning to Him when you've reached the limits of your abilities, just like a yo-yo returns to the hand at the limit of it's string. I'm going through it also, so you're not alone.

Silent Step

2014-06-08T17:43:00.002-07:00

Some things are celebrated loudly, and others are silent.

The child's first steps are to freedom from crawling, and celebrated loudly with encouragement and support from the beginning.

An addicts first steps to freedom are often silent and alone, with no encouragement or support in the beginning. Shammed by their own actions, the opinion of the public, and the rejection of friends and family, they plod silently. Some fall back, and their silent or public struggle is unknown because nothing seems to change. The ones that truly want freedom do not always achieve it, the pressure is to great, they can't do it alone, they're ashamed to admit especially if they've slipped.

If you have friends or loved ones who struggle with any sort of addiction and want to be free, shield them with encouragement, cover them with prayer, hunt them down when they go silent. Silence is shame, silence is hiding, silence does not mean everything is good or going well, and sometimes they are not strong enough to stand. Years of shame don't go away in a day, and they do not want to disappoint the ones they love with their failures, silence is dangerous... because they've either given up, or decided to fight on their own.

Just toughing up, or just pushing through doesn't work for all. It's long and painful, and they will fail. And if they feel deep shame, if they do not have people they trust to understand, even if they do trust and have those that understand, they will hide ever deeper away. And the silence will continue, and smiles will remain fake, laughter hollow, and joy gone. Do not take their hiding personally, they love you and trust you, but they're scared and hurting and need love.

I'm thinking of those today taking silent steps, press on, and pray for the hearts around you, try not to remain silent, but pray for others eyes to see if you must.

You're never alone, no matter how dark it gets.

Others struggle, and God is there... even when that seems impossible.

So, press on brothers and sisters, don't lose heart.

My Box

2014-05-31T20:23:00.001-07:00

I have a box.

It is one my Grandaddy gave me.

It used to be his.

It had a broken lid.

We glued it back together.

It's been full.

It's been empty.

Things have been added.

Things have been removed.

It holds wonderful memories.

And things I'd rather forget.

Joys I cherish.

And mistakes from which I learned.

Loss is in the box.

Gain is in there too.

Bittersweet days.

Beautiful nights.

Sometimes it gathers dust.

Sometimes I use it to remember.

It was my Grandaddy's box.

It held his memories.

Now it is My Box.

Can I catch my breath? (For Daniel Blanchard)

2014-05-13T19:35:00.002-07:00

I was talking to my mom today about... LIFE! Or rather, life as we know it right now. A series of joy/sadness whiplash that has our heads spinning these past couple of years. We're both thinking, "Can I just get a minute to catch my breath?"

No, not because life is cruel, but because it's life. It doesn't stop for us to catch our breath, or to prepare for the next challenge. One breath prepares us for the next, as one challenge prepares us for the next. The rest, preciously rare, is not ignored, but cherished. The losses make the joys bitter but so much sweeter. The gains are celebrated with gusto. The precious rest is found in the moments in-between.

My family... close and far, known and unknown, has been rattled and shaken by the loss of a young life. The memories are joyous in the life loss, joy upon joy, story upon story, picture upon picture. Facebook has been flooded with the memories of those who remember a young man full of life, love, and happiness.

You can't see all of it in the picture, but my band says "BE BOLD Acts 4:29"

"And now, Lord, look upon their threats and grant to your servants to continue to speak your word with all boldness," (ESV)

This is a part of a prayer... when they have been threatened if they were to teach in the name of Jesus. They don't ask for protection, just boldness. The next verse says

"while you stretch out your hand to heal, and signs and wonders are performed through the name of your holy servant Jesus.” Acts 4:30 (ESV)

They believe God will act, so they ask for what they cannot get themselves... boldness to speak in the face of ANYTHING.

I haven't been able to wear this band, for I did not want boldness, or a reminder of it. I'm wearing it now, and will continue to, because Daniel Blanchard did not touch lives by being cowardly, unloving, and distant. But by being bold, active, and intentional. This is my remembrance.

I remember a boy full of energy and excitement, it brings be great joy to hear the stories of how that boy grew into a man who only grew in those to touch so many lives.

You'll never be forgotten my friend, hold a space for us who still struggle on in this world.

Guardrails...

2014-05-03T20:30:00.002-07:00

My home church is going through a series called Guardrails. In all honesty it's a tough series. A very practical and thought provoking venture.

I grew up with guardrails, boundaries in my life. Haha, I was sheltered... Sheltered. A word often used to degrade others, to tear at them and say "how childish you are for not being exposed to this as a child". That isn't what is intended, but its how a sheltered person feels. We don't feel protected or safe, we feel left out and excluded.

We are fools... I jumped the boundaries my parents, pastors, and teachers placed around me. I regret many things.

I look back at my protected days, when I was not fully exposed to the world and the full brunt of it's influence and I long for them, my soul longs for them. I did not understand the safety of my guarding at the time, I thought it was a measure of control something to keep me contained. Having stood in the gale of the world, I find myself exposed and torn by the wind of life.

I want to end this positively, with a telling of personal victory. New guardrails need to be placed in my life, and the placing of them is a process.

So, no personal victory, but I will share a corporate one!

I'm not alone. You, reading this, are not alone. The struggle you feel, the difficulty, is being felt by others. We, as a whole, are victorious in Christ.

If you are struggling with the wind of life tearing at you because of a lack of guardrails, DO NOT DISPAIR!

Somewhere, a brother is struggling alongside you. A sister is praying for you. A spiritual parent is interceding on your behalf.

You may read that and say, "Not me."

That IS A LIE!

There are people, facedown on the ground with their souls groaning and crying for the ache in your soul. Their prayers are wordless, but God hears them, God placed those prayers in their hearts... for you. They're weeping with you. Mourning with you. Rejoicing with you!

I used to live "alone"... convinced that I alone struggled, that I was the only stumbler, the only one weak. I was wrong.

I don't know your name, but I will pray for you.

God has not forsaken us.

In His Love,

Mike

Escaping Fear/Finding Joy

2014-04-29T18:17:00.002-07:00

I think every time I come back to the world of blogging it's been a terribly long time. It's true... my reading stats are almost zero... sad. Good thing I don't write for the fan base!

I recently received a verbal hide-tanning from a loving friend. He was passionate about a subject, and I dodged around the topic for a long time. He wasn't even trying to tan my hide, he was just expressing the passion in his heart. I went home that night and I asked God why I ran away from the topics, why I ran away from Him, why I was so afraid. I didn't get an answer... I already knew it.

A while ago I met with my pastor for coffee between jobs, (I'm an exterminator now if you didn't already know), and during the ensuing conversations I casually asked if he was worried about something. "Worried is a strong word." I went cold, but outwardly agreed. Why did I go cold? "Love is a strong word." "Hate is a strong word." My pastor put worried on the same level as hate and love.

Worried, we often casually throw it around as though it was nothing, a cheap word. "I'm worried about..."

Worried "anxious or troubled about actual or potential problems."*

Origin

Old English wyrgan ‘strangle.’ In Middle English the original sense of the verb gave rise to the meaning ‘seize by the throat and tear,’ later figuratively ‘harass,’ whence ‘cause anxiety to’ (early 19th century, the date also of the noun).*

We've really tamed this word, but does it not still strangle us? Keep us penned up. Worry does not motivate, it traps, snares, strangles.

And when we worry we are afraid, and fear enters our lives.

And now you're going "yes, you're clever, we see what you did there, bringing us full circle to your topic, but what is the point?"

Fear "avoid or put off doing something because one is afraid" (Verb)*

"Again... Point?"

Ok, I have been afraid.

Of God, of people, of opinions, views, thoughts, actions, consequences, etc.

This fear allowed me to play church and Christ Follower, even be a decent leader. It did not allow power in my life, it did not allow me to lead with true authority nestled deep within the will of God, it did not allow power to flow out of Christ through me.

"Isn't God all powerful? Can't He change your heart? Are you even a Follower? He doesn't need you. Is He even real? Am I wasting my life?" Lies in my own mind tearing at my belief and the more I feed them, the more I worry, the more worry grows the more I feel strangled, the more strangled I feel the more afraid I become, the more lies I feed to myself. A circle.

So, when God didn't answer the question I already knew the answer to, I told Him the truth.

"I'm afraid."

I surrendered my fear, I thanked Him for His rescue, and I continued with joy in my heart. My struggles didn't change, but I was no longer afraid.

"That easy?"

No, this has been a long road. Years and years of fear, constant lying and running, playing Christian and church, gaining friends and losing them when I became afraid of hurting them. So no, it wasn't that easy. I had to reach a point where I was willing to surrender my fear, to give ownership of it to Christ, and accept His offer of joy. I got the better deal, and I'm very thankful.

These verses at the bottom are what continued to go around in my head, they were once burdens that I felt like a failure when I read them, now I feel joy reading them. Because there's a promise of peace that will guard my heart.

2 Timothy 1:7

English Standard Version (ESV)

7 for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.**

Philippians 4:6-7

English Standard Version (ESV)

6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.**

*Found by searching Google

**Copied from biblegateway.com

What they don't tell you and how I didn't listen...

2014-02-17T16:36:00.001-08:00

What they don't always tell you, they being teachers/pastors/friends/parents/mentors, about following Christ is that it is hard. Sometimes... they don't even realize they're doing it. I grew up in a time, era, location, lifestyle where Changing the World for GOD! got many exclamation marks. Where the domino effect was preached about changing one life that effected the whole world, and how people were just waiting for God to come in and fill the emptiness inside them. They rarely mentioned the burned, the angry, the tired, the hurt, the misinformed, the confused, the thinkers, the theorists, no, no I mainly heard about the LOST. Lost people are looking for something, and when you give it to them they are overjoyed. The burned are scared of it happening again, the angry are not going to listen to what you say about it, the tired are going to avoid it, the hurt are going to run from it, the misinformed are going to gossip about it, the confused are going to damage it, the thinkers are going to analyze it, and the theorists are going to agree with you on most points.

No one taught little Christian boy here how to communicate Christ to someone who has been through hell and back a few times and has been burned, lied to, misunderstood, and is fed up with anything to do with God or Christianity.

Until I became him.

Someone mentioned something about my blogs, and what I took from it was that I tend to talk ABOUT things, ABOUT my struggle, or my feelings about them, but I do not say what they are.

So here's a confession, I struggle with talking to people about my faith in Christ, which is a way of saying I do not talk to people about my faith in Christ. I can count on one hand the people I personally while talking to them have seen accept Christ in front of me. A majority of my life I have not been living "on mission" as we sometimes say. In part because I never met a LOST person, everyone knew exactly where they stood, or had a hard to counter explanation as to where they stood. Also in part, because I didn't listen when someone said that following Christ was hard, and I pulled on my label of Christian around follow Christians, and was the "good guy" around everyone else.

What has been happing to me over the last few years, is a violent roller coaster of following God and then running from Him, add in that I struggle with depression that makes it abnormally physically exhausting to do laundry, or clean my house, my car, shop for food, make meals, (Basically function as an adult) and that Change the World mentality that I've been "failing" and I'm in a serious mental mess on a regular basis. I can throw on a good face in public, but my mask is wearing very thin.

I'm scared to take that mask off for good, and, its easy to type all this here because I'm alone and I'm going to post it before I seriously think about people reading it.

I'm scared because I know everything that people are going to say, Meds? Sleep? Prayer? Bible Reading? Accountability? Counselor? Therapy? Diet? Just tough it out? Overreacting? Herbs? Exercise?

I don't want to snap... I don't want that mask to come ripping off my face... I want to take it off myself. Starting here, in the place I pick and choose what I show the world the most.

So like I said, I became him.

And God is teaching me how to communicate with those like me by loving me.

What did I not listen to? the people who talked about how hard following Christ is, the ones who died to spread that word, the ones who have gone before me, I didn't listen to them. I didn't believe them.

This is becoming scattered and I'm considering deleting it so I'm going to wrap up.

Just... prayer... a hug... time...

It's going to be long and hard, and thank God I'm not alone.

How everything went wrong...

2014-02-02T20:15:00.002-08:00

Now, I know my last post was heavy so I'll start off on a lighter note.

It's Super Bowl Sunday and the Seahawks whipped the Broncos.

Onto the serious.

Just kidding, this one is pretty light, but I do want to start off by listing everything that went wrong this morning for Tech at LifeCity.

Worship leader got sick and lost his voice, had to change songs because worship leader couldn't sing, the lights decided to be rebellious, the control tablet had a glitch, a video didn't render, we were short handed... you get the idea.

I have a awesomeness scale for Sunday mornings: more things that go wrong = how awesome Sunday will be. This morning was a 7+ before service started on the wrong to awesome ratio.

It ended up being on a pure awesome scale of well over 11.

Why? Because God.

God had a plan for this morning, and it happened exactly how He wanted it to. No bumbling of man, or technological glitches were keeping this morning from happening. The worship was flawless, and God clearly spoke through Darby and the message. It is a privilege and an honor to be a part of all of this.

We're doing a series on Covenant and Kingdom by Mike Breen for the next 5 weeks. Our whole church and CityGroups are doing a book study at the same time, it's incredible. You can sense the movement that God has stirred in us as a body and I'm super excited to see where He's taking us through this. I'm pretty stoked inside even though I'm physically exhausted as I write this.

So, that is it, I just wanted to share some light hearted excitement with you all.

God bless you, whoever you are, wherever you are, and whatever you are going through. I prayed for you tonight while writing this, be encouraged and full of joy!

Going Old Testament...

2014-01-31T15:20:00.004-08:00

I'll explain the title with the background of the post! So, last night I reached a point of... pure anguish in my soul because I felt trapped in a cycle of sin. This was after an incredible time of prayer my CityGroup did together. I couldn't express how I felt and simply feeling or trying to express verbally to God seemed... weak... as in watered down... over used... The thought of how people used to and sometimes today still do express anguish was often through a primal scream and the tearing of garments, that thought had barely crossed my mind before I found myself holding the torn halves of the shirt I had been wearing. The feeling was exhilarating but short lived when I realized the bottom seam had held. I instantly attributed that unbroken seam to my bondage, my cycle of sin.
Begging and pleading with God I tried and I tried but I couldn't break it. In my desperation I hoped for a miracle to sever it while I held it, and then confessed I didn't believe God actually would do it.
I grew still after that; feeling defeated as though God had turned my back on me in my time of need. In that silence I heard in my spirit, "just take it off, I already freed you." Stunned I tore the shirt off and stared at it... the seam was still unbroken, but it wasn't around me anymore. I had already forgotten something incredible. I recently had gone through the book The Bondage Breaker by Neal T. Anderson, and through the scriptures and prayers God inspired him to point out and write I found freedom from my bondage.
I want to be clear, I accepted Christ, was marked with His blood, sealed into His coming Kingdom, and was forgiven of all sin past present and future at the age of 6. Satan lost me that day, but he did not give up, instead he set traps, and wrapped chains around me and my life until I literally felt suffocated by the weight of them. He did everything he could, and he still will throughout the rest of my life, to keep me from spreading The Word and life of Christ. But Christ within me, and you if you follow him, IS stronger to a degree we can not fathom and the pull of His Will is beyond the dreams of any in creation.
After putting on a new shirt I opened my bible and it opened to Ezekiel 36:16-37:28. The headers in my bible read The Lord's Concern for His Holy Name, I Will Put My Spirit Within You, The Valley of Dry Bones, I Will Be Their God, They Shall Be My People. These verses, taken down from the words of God, show God's longing for his people. He talks about the ways that man defiled, and how God scattered them because of it, then He says 36:22b ESV "It is not for your sake... that I am about to act, but for the sake of my holy name." God has every right, being creator and lord of all, to do things for himself and only for himself. But what He does, throughout the rest of these verses, I view of a father finding his child dirty, damaged, broken, and he brings him into the house (36:24) and he washes him clean (36:25), and mends his wounds (36:26), and restores his status (36:28-30). After a while that the child would remember all he had done, but as he falls into despair the father grabs him and reminds him of all he had done and remind him that it wasn't for him it was for himself to bring honor back to himself through an unworthy son (36:31-38).
It goes on through 37 as God talks about how He will gather the people to himself. This is mainly talking about the Jews, but it was such a powerful picture of the healing that God had just brought me through, I just had to share. Thanks for reading and I hope this blesses you immensely.

Musings of an infrequent insomniac

2013-12-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

I feel like there's a line...

A line where once you've been awake past it, you really just ought to stay up all night. Especially when you have to be up really early. Foolish of me, knowing I have to be up early but staying up ridiculously late anyway. Maybe I just enjoy torturing myself, or I can't break the habit I gained as a teenager working nights, whatever the reason it is still foolishness.

That line is foolishness as well...

There's no reason that there should ever be a point at which you should just stay up. In fact, there are very few times there should be a point of no return. Continued sin after salvation is one of those, there's no line that says "well, you've come this far, you might as well keep going." Actually, the opposite is true. Romans 6 is very clear on this, and yet... I am guilty.

For clarity sake...

People screw up, we're human and we make mistakes. Romans 6 is not talking about making a mistake, or being caught off guard by emotions. It's about choices, when you know what you're doing in sinful and wrong and decide to choose it anyway. The grace of God is infinite, nothing can increase it and nothing can decrease it, it simply IS.

But on that topic of guilt...

I am guilty of choosing to sin, in full knowledge and control of my actions. Grace covers even me in these transgressions, but grace can not protect me from the consequences in this temporary venture on earth. I am also guilty of asking forgiveness, not for the sake of purity... but out of fear of the possible that might occur because of my wrong choices.

"Be sure your sin will find you out..."

Curse or promise? it is both. They offered to swear an oath to Moses and to God, and Moses made certain they understood the gravity of what they chose. This is why Jesus said "For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?" Luke 4:28 (ESV) The surrender to Christ comes at great cost, when you choose to give your life over to Him you lose the rights to it. It's not yours anymore to whore away on any fancy you find yourself chasing. Going against the terms, does not cancel the contract, but it does have those consequences.

Peaching to myself...

I am not perfect. These words have only just begun to sink beneath my skin, to dig into my soul, and they are painful. I have so far to go, and have wandered in many deserts of my own making. Thankfully where I am going there is peace and healing. There is light. There is Christ.

Time

2013-12-01T21:12:00.000-08:00

I'm back...

I feel that my long absence requires an explanation. You know that whole waking up thing I mentioned in Dreamworld? And Breaking Silence? Yeah, it took a lot longer then I had planned.

Writers, when we write things like this type of blog, have to bare our souls. We could lie, say whatever we want, but with a title like A Journey for More than Existence you can't go around talking about puppies and rainbows, unless... you know, your life revolves around puppies and rainbows.
Mine doesn't.

My life has revolved around me, around existing, a most selfish endeavor. I'm not being hunted, dying, or fleeing somewhere. To simply exist is insulting to those that came before me, and those that will come after me since I am not in one of those predicaments.

Death came to my family again. My grandfather, dad's dad, had a heart attack. That was a while ago, and I was ready for it. He had been battling alzheimer's, and around 7 months ago he answered the door and did not know who I was. I began to grieve that day, and the day The Lord took him home I was filled with relief. He was not hurting, he wasn't lost, he knows exactly where he is and is whole once more. Sad, yes, I will miss him, but the world didn't end.

The world ended when I fled to the dark, when I sought relief in the darkness of my soul. I allowed sin to build a wall between my creator and myself, why? Because I honestly wanted to believe I could go my own way, that after having tasted the tree of life and having been filled with it's light... that I could do as I pleased. Was I wrong? Oh no, I could go my own way all I pleased... but I had to do so sitting alone, lying, filling my soul with false pleasure, just trying to regain the barest hint of what I had sensed once before.

This is not the first time I have tasted the sweet taste of true life, and it was not the first time I fled to the dark, clutching to the fruit I had gained, and trying to make it last long after it had turned to ash, even to my own mouth. To those outside of my heart, my actions and words would have tasted as honey, but to me they were a vile poison, reminding me of all I had run away from. A ticking clock reminding me that time was against me, and only one was the source of life.

I have returned to the light, fleeing the darkness and fire. The pit still calls, the pleasure of the dark sucking on my soul, but I run arms outstretched calling for aid. I smiled at Him who pulled me from the dark, but He did not smile in return, love was in His eyes, but hurt also. I was one prone to flee, and His arms were always open to me, but time was needed. Time to heal, time to learn, time to regain what had been lost between us.

As the prodigal son, I was welcomed with love and song, but the relationship would need to be rebuilt. I am not angry, gratefulness fills my soul. A fool I have been, pretending to return, only planning to run again because the world became more then I could handle. A selfish son, trying to steal the fruit of my brothers when I only intended to flee again, because the cost of my own meal was too great a price. It does not seem so great a price now, to surrender my hurt and pain, to give away my helplessness and gain strength.

Still... time is required. God uses time to teach the greatest lessons.

"And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
James 1:4 (ESV)

That is a promise, if you stand firm, if you hang in there...

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."
Philippians 1:6 (ESV)

There was a message by James Lynch was a major push that drew me out of the dark among other things and many incredible friends and family. I want to share it with you, the few that read this, because it's good and raw. Don't listen if you want cuddles and happy butterflies, listen if you're seeking the truth and desire life. God Bless.

Glory to the Father

2013-08-24T17:49:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sitting here minding my own business, setting up slides for Sunday when,

A WIILD VERSE ATTACKS!

Matthew 5:14-16 NIV
¹⁴“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

Now, I grew up on this verse, I know the songs that go with it, it is nearly as much apart of me as my own DNA. But this time, a part jumped out at me.

"and glorify your Father in heaven."

Wait, what?

"and glorify your Father in heaven."

Well, no one has been glorifying God because of my good deeds, I certainly would have heard about it...

Yeah, that's the point. It's not about me, it's about God, the Father. So, I start thinking, well either A: I'm not doing good deeds (Heart Check) or B: People aren't seeing my good deeds.

Hmm, another possible factor and it involves the person I most often focus on... Me.

Have I been praising the Father when I see good deeds?

Gulp.

If good deeds are supposed to inspire others to give glory to God, then why haven't I been doing that? I threw it in a minute ago, if you caught it.

Heart Check. Where is my heart, where has it been, what has it desired, who has it worshiped? If I can't answer those questions, then I have been ignoring my heart, and the heart wanders when not watched over.

I get so caught up in me, my wants and desires, and sometimes I look at good deeds and I only think that the person doing them is doing it for themselves, trying to boost their ego or status. I can't judge them, not when I was forgiven of so much.

I want to become a person who glorifies God for the good deeds, not one who wonders if everyone saw me do mine.

Dreamworld

2013-08-09T20:35:00.004-07:00

“Look, it can be nice, living in a dream world, it can be great, I know that. You can hide and you can pretend that all the crap out there doesn’t exist, but you can’t do it forever because eventually whatever it is you’re running from... it’ll find you, it will come along and it’ll punch you in the gut. And then you got to wake up because if you don’t, then trying to keep that dream alive will destroy you. It’ll destroy everything.” -Sam Winchester

There comes a time when you can’t run any more. People have different ways of running. Some drink themselves into oblivion, others escape into drugs, physical relationships, internet and mental fantasies, the possibilities are endless. me? I go auto-pilot, and simply function. Go through the motions and hide things away. On the outside, I look ok. I’m clean, alive, well fed, but there’s things that I joke about that show the deeper struggles. A messy room, not sleeping, endless gaming, not reading, being tired, anger snaps. These things show what is going on underneath. A man should not be content in his own filth, an adult doesn’t shrink from responsibilities. My childish nature kicks in and I use it as an excuse to get away with not dealing.

Why all this depression and angst? My uncle committed suicide nearly a year ago, I attended his funeral the same day I stood beside my best friend as his best man, I was in the same suit, only a few hours separated the two events. One so happy, one so crushing. The same night I found out about his death, I had to end the relationship I thought would never end so I could have my friend back to help me through the process. I had to shut down everything so that I could wake up, go to work, feed and clothe myself, attend a wedding, and a funeral. When I was ready to process, to cry, and deal, I was numb. All the hurt and pain and anger and grief had grown cold, slimy, and gross. It was like food that doesn’t reheat well, only that can be thrown away. These emotions could not.

Over time they thawed, a flash there, a blowup here. But in general I just stewed, moped, groaned, and complained. Wishing someone would comfort me, but truly enjoying the suffering. A wall formed, and I kept people out, got distracted, or angry when they wanted to know how I really felt. I wasn’t done with my feelings and I wasn’t going to be until I was ready. I was selfish. I was prideful. I was shameful.

Now? Tomorrow I leave the only job I have ever known, I leave a place that has been a second home. It’s full of joy and pain, love and suffering, happiness and anger. Over nine years of my life, a majority of which happened there, is coming to a close. It’s very bittersweet. I feel like a man who has seen the rise and fall of nations, I’ve seen friends and foes come and go, leaders rise and fall, students continue after their masters. Success and failure. Life and death. Stories of thousands have passed through the doors. But, that chapter is closing, the door will be shutting soon. I’ve tried to walk out with integrity and grace, but that has been difficult while carrying this crapload of guilt, stress and shame.

I’ve decided to wake up, it won’t be easy, but there’s a life to be lived and dreams are for the sleeping, not the waking.

Breaking Silence

2013-05-21T20:54:00.000-07:00

I have remained silent for a long time, I have hidden and stewed in the filth of my own making. I was broken, twisted, and maimed. In my soul, there was no one I could explain it to, there was no one who could understand. I could not even form the words to express the agony in my soul, the tearing and roaring of rebellion and pain within. I poured out my heart time and time again, I laid myself bare to find all that I was seeking, I cried out in silence for the understanding and love and acceptance that my very being was screaming to find. My mind is not a calm and silent place, but when it becomes so, I grow terrified. When the silence comes... with it is death, death of awareness, death of compassion, death of caring, death of love. I faced the silence, and I found solace within it. I found warmth for the coldness within my heart, I thought I had found my place, in silence, in the dark. I would become a watcher, one who observes and considers, but does not act.
Time passed, and the ache within my soul grew. There were sores from my inactivity, infection had set in, but I thought the fever was warmth. I continued to allow the darkness to cradle me. Voices pulled at me, the light blinded me, I was angry and ashamed, so I hid with a smile on my face as I walked veiled among the light. Ever longing to return to the warmth of my island of self.

Then... a simple day, a regular day. I was done. I did not hear angels, or thunder, or see lightning. I just looked around and said. "I surrender."
There was nothing... there was silence...

But deep.... deep down in the core of my heart, I saw the flame, long buried, but never dead. I brought it close, and held it dear. A journey I began long ago I renewed once again, but this time I meant every word. This time I surrender not to an idea, not for glory, not for fame... but for He who... what words can describe him... Love, real brutal honest true love. Not the fluff of poison we bark like dogs in heat after, not the false acid that seductively promises what it can never give.
This is life. I am in pain, but alive. Broken, but alive. Dying, but alive. Trapped in decay, but renewing in life.
Hard? Yes! Difficult? Yes! Frustrating? Yes!
Death of self that life might abound is against the very code of our DNA, but that can be changed, one step at a time.
This is my journey.... It is far from over.

Home Sweet Home

2013-04-13T15:15:00.001-07:00

We all know that feeling, the one where you come home. Be it from work, a trip, or just to get the mail. When you walk into home, there's a sense of peace, and security, and just safe acceptance of YOU.

Recently, I have been struggling through feeling at home. I left my home church and moved out of my parents house, this put me in a new building, a new church, (Literally a new one, it's a church plant.) But, I lost my home. I lost my place of security, yes, I still had a bed, a roof, a shower, and all my things. But, its not the same. I don't have my parents, my brother and sister, I miss my old church family, and the friends I've left behind.

This sapped me of joy, and excitement, and gave me a feeling of abandonment. I was alone in a crowd.

Then, a few weeks ago, I was driving home from hanging out at a friend's house and got a sense of... home. It was like these lightbulbs lit up in my head, and they were not places. They were people, groups of people, new families. New families where I was safe, where I could be myself, where I am accepted.

I still get to see my family, but I know I'm not so far away from the rest of my family.

Playing House

2013-02-26T18:37:00.001-08:00

I was driving home from shopping today and I had a thought...

A majority of Christians have been playing "house" for a long time. Now, what do I mean by that? I mean, let's all sit comfortably in our comfortable chairs, dress up in costume, say the lines, play the parts, and then we'll go home and get back to "Real Life". This is the culture I grew up in, while many people around me broke that mold there were enough to infect my way of thinking and living. Infected... that's the right word. Poisoned is better.
In other countries we're shot, beheaded, imprisoned, tortured, hunted, mocked, and slandered for simply existing, quietly hiding in rooms and cellars. In America, we're embarrassing... loud, obnoxious, protesting, divided, and false. I understand standing up for our beliefs, but what happened to "¹¹and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, ¹²so that you may walk properly before outsiders and be dependent on no one."1 Thessalonians 4:11-12 and "⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and then there is "...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!" Galatians 5:22b-23
Now, I will never say ALL Christians have run away from these things... but these are the ones on the lips of the public, when Christianity is spoken of in households, and on the street corners.

This is changing though, there is a mummer in the air, and a rumbling in the ground. The Church is getting a jump start, and passionate people are rising up. You won't read it in the news, but you'll hear it on the streets, and in the prayers, and songs. If you listen, if you've been given ears to hear, and eyes that can see. The Spirit has risen up in America, and His power is being poured out.
I have not been the perfect image of Christ, but I want to become as close as I can. I know I'm not alone in this desire, my home church family is full of people striving, and I am hearing the stories as they trickle in from other places around the globe. I'm excited to see what will happen in the next few months, let alone years, God willing I'm here!

Just wanted to share my thoughts :)

Avoiding Sleep

2013-01-14T20:56:00.002-08:00

I avoid sleeping... when I'm not already suffering from insomnia. Partially because.... it is a part of who I am, but also because I want to avoid the dreams.
Not nightmares, I haven't had one of those in years, and it involved snakes.
But dreams... because they're interesting, and strange, and stories are happening.
Mainly... I lose track of reality in them. I wake up and I feel like Neo getting ripped out of the Matrix, disoriented and sick.
But there is a Catch 22...

If I avoid sleep I start losing track of reality anyway, I lose my sense of self and a depression sets in. I become a angry, hurting, sad, lonely shell of who I am.

I think... that this is part of why Christians struggle...
Not with sleep... but with staying close to God, to daily seek him. It's incredible, fantastic, and dreadful, and terrible. Grace and mercy, and love surround you... but all the shields are gone. You're stripped bare of all your protection and the ugly truth is exposed. You get a choice, deal with that crap now, or run and hide.

I run and hide a lot.

He finds me... asks where I am. And I choose to either stay silent, or say "I was ashamed."

I stay silent often.

Why?

Because I have an enemy, and he knows every weakness.
He lies, and cheats...
They're pretty lies, seductive and pleasing... for a moment.
The guilt...the shame... it grinds against my mind.

My sword is broken... my shield is shattered... armor is bloodied and dented.

This is where I am. Come to my rescue. Will I stay in this darkness? Can I get out soon? I'm weary. I have no strength left. You reveal your strength in our weakness... where is that strength? Will it come soon? Will it hide much longer? Am I blind? Why is my heart so hard? Why am I numb? Can I feel again? Will the world cease to end around me?

I once knew the light, but was it a lie?
Can I see the light again?
Can I see the true Light?
The One Way?
Jesus.

Grief

2012-12-28T17:42:00.004-08:00

Grief is a strange thing.

Grief:
Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement refers to the state of loss, and grief is the reaction to loss.

It is a human thing. Animals experience change, confusion, reaction... but human's experience loss. We can feel it, sense it, taste it, smell it.
Memories bring every sensation back. Smell brings it back. Sight brings it back. Taste. Touch. Sound.
It never goes away. You lose them/it again, and then again, and again, again. It fades, but never leaves. It etches into your soul, carves a ragged gash that bleeds for what seems like forever and then scars. This happens to everyone, at some point in their lives.

I've lost all of my great grandparents and two uncles to death. I've lost friends to time, distance, difference, hurt, and anger. I have loved... and lost love. Old hurts fully scarred, new wounds fully bleeding, pain is a constant.

A mishap as a child left a scar of my head... to this day it hurts to touch it.
The scars in my heart are the same. I didn't lose my head though, when it was injured, it was just... changed. Shaped. Formed. My survival instinct is faster. I avoid danger more quickly, I flinch... often. Flinching gets me teased, but flinching has also kept me alive at times when I shouldn't be.
I gained a flinch from a scar. This is what I didn't learn about my soul until now. I thought loss took away from my soul, whittled away until hardly anything was left. Just a husk that imitated life, emotion, and feeling.
I missed the perspective, the understanding, the realizations, the new life, the hope, the gain. Loss consumed me until I had nothing but loss.
A dear friend of mine told me something someone told him once, "You have to let yourself hurt, however long that takes..." I'm good at that part, I can wallow for months, but he wasn't done. "And when you're done, you're done. You let it go, and move on." Being done, letting go, moving on. I struggle with this, we all do at some point.
God allows grief, I believe, because it grounds us. Without loss there isn't a desire for gain, and motivation would not exist.Without grief... we have nothing to express the loss. We need grief.

Not expressing grief, not showing the pain, refusing to release it from you... it creates a monster inside. One that chews away at who you are, who you want to be, and does its best to convince you that no one understands what you are experiencing. If you believe it, you become an exile... no matter how people reach out, hold you, love on you, push you. It becomes meaningless, life loses purpose and reason.

The monster made a grave error. It told me a lie I could not believe, and I ran to God. I should have been there all along, but I was lost in the fog. Now, the beast is chained, and it has to be starved. It has gorged itself on my fear and pain, I've seen it for what it is, but I am to weak to fight it. I'm not alone, I never was, and people do understand. "But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the LORD, and he answered me from his holy hill." Psalms 3:3-4 (ESV)

I'm not doing well, but I'm also not defeated.

The wounded man, when asked how he is doing, will respond "Not good, but I am alive."

I am alive.

Light in the dark.

2012-11-17T23:16:00.001-08:00

Darkness surrounds. The high fades.

The rush of blood, once a roar, becomes a steady beating.

The moment has passed, but it is not gone.

The consequence of action remain.

Loss is life, life is loss.

Death rips away joy.

Where is the light? Where is the song?

The harp, that gentle strumming that filled the soul with wonder?

Thundering drums of war, replace the sound of peace.

Battle joined in the souls of men, silent war in the streets.

Passing gentleman, lost in the dark of a endless ladder.

Strutting lady, bears the scars of her shame.

I see a light, burning, red across the sky.

Edges orange, fading into black.

A new day will dawn.

In the light the shadows flee.

The day has come.

Shadows cling to the soul, the dark hides within.

Light must come from without, to blossom from within.

The seed must be planted, aged, watered, and fed.

The seed of light.

Small.

Tiny.

Burns.

Burns the shadows.

They screech, squirm.

They burrow into the dark.

The strongholds become stronger, the habits harder.

They scream the lies of defeat.

Mimic the voice of the victorious.

Distraction.

Apathy.

But...

Deep within.

Deeper still then all the muck.

There comes a sound.

A sound... that shakes the core.

A feeling.

Like the world stopped turning.

"I AM"

The darkness must flee.

The shadows must kneel.

Victory was won in surrender.

The battle was lost, but it ended the war.

Weak. "I give you my strength."

Drained. "Let me fill you."

Beaten. "Victory is yours."

Bruised. "I will heal you."

Lost. "I found you."

Forgotten. "I never forgot."

Invisible. "I see you."

"I AM"

"I WAS"

"I WILL BE"

Finite meets Infinite.

Redeemed.

Reconciled.

Remade.

Life.

Life worth living.

Hope worth sharing.

Lights in the darkness.

Where is the light?

Planted within.

Planted at surrender.

Externally feed, outward growth.

A new creation in whole.

Death of the old.

The process feeds the understanding.

The process shares the light.

Share the Light.

Steak Stirfry

2012-07-21T20:38:00.001-07:00

Food:
Small Beef Steak
Broccoli
Sliced Carrots
Pineapple
Garlic Powder
Basil
Olive Oil
Red Wine
Salt and Pepper
Bacon Bits

Materials:
Stove
Mid Sized Sauce Pan
Pan (for Marinating)
Spoon (for Stirring)
Fork (for Tasting)
Knife (for Cutting)
Cutting Board (Or Paper Plate)

Start by cutting steak into squares.
Mix olive oil and red wine in pan, enough to cover bottom of it, then add enough water for it to be about a quarter to a half inch full.
A dash of salt, pepper, garlic powder, and basil.
Place meat in the pan and stir, then spread evenly and let sit for 15-30 minutes.
While that is marinating, slice the broccoli in halves and cut up the pineapple into chunks
Once the meat is finished sitting, pour it and the marinating sauce into the sauce pan with the stove on high heat for about a minute.
set a little lower then med heat, and stir off and on for 5 minutes.
Add broccoli and pineapple, and sprinkle bacon bits.
Alternate between med and low heat, stirring and occasionally lifting the pan to disperse the heat.
For a more stir fry type meal, 40-50 minutes is required for the meat veggies and fruit to properly absorb the sauce.
For a more stew/soup type meal, 25-30 at higher temps will leave a nice thin, but tasty, broth.
Portion sizes are instinctual, as well as servings.