I skipped it and moved on to the next question.

And I probably shouldn’t have. But it was a deep thinking question. A question that requires a lot of thought. I could quickly name 10 things I don’t like about him….not because I’m a pessimist, but because I just don’t take the time to relish, appreciate, take in the good things…I take him (and his good qualities) for granted.

I tend to see things in black and white. It’s a fault and I know that I have to work hard to see the gray area. I’m sure that 90% of people live in the gray area. For me, seeing the gray requires me to sit and wait and ponder people and situations and why people do what they do…So, in turn, I am also analytical.

And so much of the good things he does and is are in the gray. Life is lived in gray with bits of black and white sprinkled in.

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The above was started in March. Yes, march. And now it’s nearing the end of July DECEMBER! and I still haven’t thought about this. I suppose it’s easier not to and easier to go about life as if he just “knows” that I love the things I love about him. But we all know that’s not true. One never really knows how you feel about them unless you let them know. Ok, so, here goes…

1. I love that he’s grown. When we were first married and first had children, neither one of us knew what we were doing. It just happened that I was the mom, the one who birthed the kids and, well, I should know what I’m doing…Only I didn’t and neither did he. But I thought I did and so I would be sure to tell him how to do it. And I am sure it was uncomfortable. I mean, you’re going along in life and things are easy and good and it’s all because you really only have yourself to worry about. Then all of a sudden you have a family and mouths to feed and you really don’t even know these little beings but you have to act like you do? It’s not easy, no. But now, it’s so awesome. Where there was once uneasiness, easy has replaced it. I love spying him taking the kids out to play or reading them a story.

2. I love that he loves me unconditionally. I admit it, I am hard to love. I am intricate and wildly emotional. When I feel, I feel with my whole being. I am not one of those people who just has an opinion about something…I am opinionated! He loves me regardless and always. He may just have to go out on a walk to love me sometimes, I don’t begrudge him that. I can be pretty suffocating. But he always comes back home and allows me to apologize or vice versa.

3. He is a DIYer. Not because he is cheap, but he truly enjoys doing things himself. I once asked him to build an addition onto the laundry room, he knocked it out in two days, all by himself. I recently asked him to build me a mantle headboard, again, finished his part in 2 days…Whereas I still have to finish my painting part…I think we’re going on two months

4. He’s a giver. I read earlier this year that my love-language is affirmation. My husband loves me in the language of gifting. He’s good at it, too. He’ll remember something I said 5 months ago about something I never thought he’d pay attention to. For instance, Anthropologie. Oh how this store makes my creative heart swoon. For Christmas, he gifted me with an Anthro candle and gift card. At first I thought he’d just re-used a bag that I had laying around but I didn’t recognize it (is it strange that I keep even the sopping bags from this place?)…He not only gave me a gift from there, but he wen’t into the store. He later said that he didn’t understand anything about the store, but that’s not the point

5. I love that he’s a realist. He sees things as they are and knows when to say when. While I am also a realist, I often see things as how I want or hope them to be. He balances me in this.

6. He’s good at math. In 6th grade I had a teacher named Mrs. Gobel. She ruined it for me. From the 2nd day of 6th grade all the way until now, almost 33 years old, I hate anything to do with math. Have to tip a waiter? I’ll just get my calculator app out–oh wait! There’s a tipping app! YES! *Sigh* Math is not my thing. But it’s his. And thank goodness because my oldest is in 5th grade now and I have no idea what he’s doing.

7. He doesn’t procrastinate. If something needs to be done he does it. Me? It can wait. If it were up to me, a lot of things around our house and in our lives would just be waiting. Again, he balances me.

8. He’s a good man. He has a heart and morals and values. He’s got a strong grip on right and wrong. He disciplines appropriately. He’s respectful and loving and warm.

9. I love that he chooses to love me and us. I am certain there have been several times in our almost 13 years that he’s questioned whether or not this was worth it. I am certain my wild emotions have given him reason to want to just retreat on a desert island somewhere…Yet, he stays, and he wants to be here on this crazy journey of life. He chooses this life.

10. God meant him for me. I believe this in my whole being. He’s my perfect counterpart. He allows me to “come down” and see things as they are, the truth, the goodness, the possibility. I am so lucky that, on this huge globe in the middle of space, the two of us found each other. Only God could make that happen…

For the first time since coming back to Him, I feel like I’m begging to hear Him, to feel close to him, but all I am getting is silence. I’m trying to praise him, trying to worship, trying to pray, trying to read his word. Can I just get a word? And I know, I know, He’s there here. My heart knows this to be true. But I can’t help but have this sense of distance from him. And, yes, I know He’s never changing, that he hasn’t gone anywhere. I know that this thing I’m feeling is just a feeling but it’s so overwhelming and I don’t know what to do with it.

But he must have known this would be coming. Just when I decided to not be in a small group this semester…he sent me a small group. Before I knew it, I’d already committed to it. Internally I cowered at the thought of having to open up to another group of people I don’t know very well. Perhaps my spirit, knowing my current lack of nourishment, knew that I needed something constant and consistent and informational and safe. The study opened with Amos 8:11-12.

¹¹ “The days are coming,” declares the Sovereign LORD,
“when I will send a famine through the land—
not a famine of food or a thirst for water,
but a famine of hearing the words of the LORD.

Four hundred years.That’s how long this famine lasted.

I know my famine will not last 400 years. I can’t help but think the enemy is just trying to scoop me up and take me away from my Jesus.  And so I have to hope in this, have my head tell my heart that this is temporary, this is emotional, this is not real.

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As I sit here and write all of this, it occurred to me that I only seem to write when I’m emotionally distraught. So I pondered this for a minute. And then I realized, that up until this indifference settled in…Life was good.

My marriage is good, our children are good. Our home is comfortable and we have found a system since school started. I have stopped forcing myself to find something–the something–I am meant to do. I’d found contentment and comfort in what was.

And after realizing this, it brings me back to the verse after the one above:

¹² People will stagger from sea to sea
and wander from north to east,
searching for the word of the LORD,
but they will not find it.

Perhaps I just need to stop waiting for him. Maybe I need to open my eyes wider to his gifts and his Glory, not taking these things for granted. Maybe I need to search for him more deeply and intimately. Maybe the relationship I sought was okay for then, but I’ve grown and need more now. Maybe He is here, inviting me to a deeper relationship, calling me closer. As if to say, “Christie, these things you felt are good and fine, but you were content…you need to feast.”

For sometime now I’ve battled with being my whole self. I often compartmentalize things and feelings in my life as if they aren’t a part of my whole being. When I first began building my faith foundation, I kept it separate. I kept my business separate…even my marriage. For whatever reason I felt like things needed to be kept that way…I later realized that I did so because it was easier if my faith didn’t run into the other areas of my life. Having faith tends to show you those negative things hiding in the corners of you.

Take, for instance, this blog. I seem to pour out into it, but only certain aspects of myself. I save journals and thoughts that I don’t want to let out in fear of being judged or thought of differently. Perhaps I don’t share certain aspects because I don’t want to deal with it at all. I even separate this blog from my professional blog…why? Because this is only a part of who I am? Is the person I am here not the same person who takes those photographs, loves those people, finds joy in capturing their memories? I’ve always thought that those customers will love me or hate me, but ultimately, if they want me to photograph them, it’s me who they are asking to do so. Me with my vision and my heart and my love and my prayers and hopes…and even my faults and faith and lack of. Fear of rejection keeps me from sharing my whole.

And why is it? If the only person I need to impress is our Father, the One who already knows my whole self, why do I deny and reject and judge and hide my whole, not only from myself but from people who love me? If I can’t share my whole self, how can I grow? How can I be shaped and encouraged? How can you pray for me? How can I learn about you, relate to you, share with you and pray for you? How can I be held to the standards that Jesus asks of me?

I have to step out of the comfort of the walls of my heart. I have to step out of the pile of pieces that I am, gather them together and realize that I am meant to be whole, a whole formed of  brokenness. I am found whole in Jesus. I think he’d want me to be whole down here, too.

I originally posted this on Friday, but was having blog issues…but’s its here now

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I am glad that so much movement happens in this stillness. – Richard Land

Practicing stillness isn’t a strength of mine, but something I’m striving for. And this amazing thing keeps happening when I am able to be still: I start understanding what’s going on. Ha! imagine that. Instead of trying to figure it out because I’m so busy trying to figure out how to make the next thing happen, when I am still and quiet and focused…everything becomes clearer.

And because I lack this ability to be still so too often, I am becoming ever more grateful for God’s stillness, for His unchanging way. When I move, He remains. When I do something without thinking it through, His plan never shifts. When I lose sight of what it is I know to do, He keeps still.

And yet, when I am still, He is moving. He is building and putting pieces together. He’s working in the background. His plan is coming to fruition.

I’ve just finished the “5 minute Friday” challenge, encouraged by the team over at incourage. See how others’ interpreted the word here.

It’s been a week since I returned from Costa Rica. Nothing and everything is the same. Nothing on the inside of me, in my heart of hearts. And everything on the outside of me where the world goes ’round. I know it probably sounds confusing if your world has never shifted. I never expected my world to shift and change and I never expected my heart to be wrecked. I, for some reason, had the intention that this was just a job, that I was just documenting it. I suppose that I somehow forgot the part about intending to capture the story.

A good friend told me this is an emotional response. Such a good term and way to pick it apart. An emotional response to something that’s awakened inside of me, to something I felt that was very real and to something I feel but is just reaction and emotion and not real at all. (note, I like run-on sentences…) I think a big fear I have is feeling as if Costa Rica may slip through and away from me, similar to a dream. I’m afraid I will wake up one day and not feel what I’ve felt for the last two weeks. I’m afraid that it will all be for nothing and I want to hold it in my hands as something palpable. Because palpable always seems easier to nurture and keep safe. Thoughts and memories slip in and out often.

And all of this is not to say that I don’t love and am not grateful for the life and love I experience now, day to day. My husband and my children, my life, my church. These are the things I am blessed to have now, to live with and love with now. I know in my head that all of this experience can’t be for nothing. Perhaps it’s just a beginning, perhaps it needs time to grow and become whatever God intended it to be for me. I’m beginning to wonder if this shift and heartache and overload of love is part of what causes vision to come. Life-dreams of what could be, what change can happen, growing hearts. Not dreams that are half-hearted, but visions with plans and persistence. My stumbling block is that I am not a patient person. I don’t want to wait. I am ready for it to happen, for it to begin. And then, yet again, a quiet voice whispers to me that it’s begun. It’s happening.

From the coastal hotel where we stayed, we ventured up into the mountains of the Talamanca region. At the base of the mountain were miles and miles of banana trees. I was in awe of all the trees that lined the streets, they spanned for as far as your eye could see, bananas hanging on every one. We turned off the street and up a dirt road. When I say up, I mean up…this road was pretty vertical and our bus had to park near the base of the mountain. The majority of our team had to hike up, except those of us carrying supplies.

When we arrived to the small village, the Bri Bri people were a bit hesitant to greet us, save Herman. Herman came straight up to us and began a conversation, pointed us to a tree and showed us that by picking the leaves, breaking them up and rubbing them on our skin, we’d created a natural insect repellant. It smelled so much better than our canned counterpart, let me tell you! Herman was an instant friend and walked among us asking to help or to show us anything we needed, or anything he thought we’d be interested in.

We set up a clinic in their clinic building. We were amazed at their organization. They knew we were coming and so made a list of all the people who would need to be seen that day. So wonderful! Along with the clinic, we cleaned their school desks and coated them with a new coat of varnish. We enjoyed meals together as well as nature. There were many creatures in this village, a sloth, a snapping turtle and a red eyed tree frog.

This is Egidio. He was our driver for the entire week, but he was much much more. He is a friend and a wonderful man with a fantastic heart. The people of the Bri Bri are his people, in fact. He and his brother are the ones who helped to coordinate our trip into this wonderful village. Here he is with is beautiful mother, Teresita. She was so kind and had a great sense of humor. loved getting to spend time with them.

The joy that you see below melts my heart. So much so that it brings a giggle out of me. Nathan has this game that he plays with the kids (he did it in la Carpio, too!) and they have the best time playing it. I don’t know what it’s called but I think the gist of it is this: There are two groups. Each person in group ‘A’ has a partner in group ‘B’. the groups make two circles, one inside the other. They begin to walk in circles, but the direction is opposite of the other. Nathan will tell them to walk and walk and walk, then all of a sudden he’ll say stop. They have to find their partner and then he gives them some crazy instruction. Like Hug! or get back to back! or piggy back! or carry someone! And it all happens very quickly, which, of course, is why you see all the happiness below PS, Nathan, totally stealing this game for the next time I need something fun to do

I love these two photos below, two of our team helping out, but in different ways. It really goes to show that whatever your gifts are, you are needed.

In addition to all of the other projects we worked on, the most rewarding one is the water project. The villagers here had only had dirty water the entire time they’ve lived here. They have either collected rain water or used the water that has collected in other places. Trust me when I tell you that it was easy to see that the water was not healthy for them. They’d had past history of sickness and parasites. So our team got to work, running hoses, digging into the mountain, getting the water to the container, and lastly putting the filter on.

Herman and Kerry working on the line. I love that Herman was so interested in helping out and learning about this water well.

I know this photo is a bit blurry, but I was laughing. Micah, the guy in the grey shirt had just made a Chewbaca noise into the hose. I loved Mark’s reaction

Sadly, I was unable to be there for the big reveal of clear water. The rain was beginning to come in and we had to be sure to get most of the team down the mountain safely. luckily, my new friend Sunni was able to capture the event as well as their reactions. I asked her if I could use a few of her photos to complete this story, and she obliged. Thanks Sunni! xxo

My friend, Antonio, was the first to drink the clear water. So cool.

A big part of helping a village install clean water is to be sure that they are able to maintain the filter. This is the mayor of the village. I was told that when she’d begun to try to clean the filter herself, all of her village friends were able to help her along and make sure she was doing it right. I love this so much. They are now able to have clear water. What’s more amazing is that as long as it’s maintained, the filter will filter up to 1 million gallons. Amazing.

I was talking to a friend last night and she said that usually one place will stick out more than another. For my new friend Carly, she loved the village of the tribe of Bri Bri, for a few others it was the children’s home. For me it was la carpio. Perhaps it was because we spent two days there, but i think it’s more likely that I love to see stories of such great hope. With Mauri beginning a weekly women’s group who will do crafts, projects that will help them to gain an income, bible study and discussion about life’s issues; with Antonio and Flaco creating opportunity for the children there, opportunities for them to learn about Jesus, school and more…To see these children happy, even in their circumstance; to try to help them to grow and understand that when they make the good and right choices, they can become more than what society would destine for them; To see people eager to learn, be educated and empower themselves…yes, i think this is where my heart is.

With every mission trip, they try hard to give us a “fun day”. A day with no work, a day for fellowship. On our day we zip-lined and rafted. As I zipped down and landed at the third line. I became overwhelmed with God’s goodness. How amazing it is to “fly” through the Costa Rican rainforest, to see all of the amazing creation He made for us. We rafted down the river and under these huge trees that spread their branches far over the river. To look up and see us covered by these beautiful things, I was overjoyed. Thank you, God for this blessing, for showing me your love, for placing me in the paths of my new (and old) friends. Thank you for growing my heart, for creating my every moment to bring me to this place.

I never expected my heart to break a little when our time in CR came to a close…it broke a lot. But I’m excited that God has awakened a new part of my heart that I didn’t know about. I knew I’d been feeling a calling to document stories, to work in ministry. I’m praying that I’ll be able to return to CR soon to love on these kids and to help them grow.

The following are photos I took while trying to catch the sun rise over the Caribbean coast. Unfortunately, the sky was cast with clouds and the sun didn’t show until much later…It didn’t matter; God showed up, faithful as always, to help me see beyond and see beauty within.

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In the morning of Day 3, we made our way up to the Excelencia Familiar, the children’s home in Coronado that COF supports. I was lucky enough to make the ride up there with our missionary, Nathan, and pick his brain about this place. I asked him to tell me a few ways that COF can and does support the home and people there. His first response was prayer. Prayer for he and his wife Kaycee, that they would have the strength and wisdom to lead this community; for the children that their hearts would grow and that they would know (and understand) true love as well as learn what a good family dynamic is; for the Tios & Tias that they would have patience, wisdom & faith in growing these kids up. Another way COF supports the home is financially, of course. With COF’s support the home is able to have an on-sight psychologist who is able to see the children and home parents whenever they need it. Additionally, there are two other staff members who are there to help the home function in everything from teaching to administration and just making sure the home is run effectively and that the children are provided with all they need.

Nathan didn’t stop there. Another benefit of COF’s support is the new greenhouse. Our previous teams that have gone this year have helped construct a greenhouse that is on the property. This project is headed up by Kerry Johnson, who’s heart is truly in helping people to sustain themselves. His vision includes a tilapia farm at the far end of the greenhouse that will run off into the greenhouse. One side will be hydroponics while the other will be soil. The water from the tank will help to fertilize the hydroponics. Additionally, they’ll install gutters that will catch the rain water and direct it into two water barrels. This water will be filtered for use of drinking and living.

While we weren’t at the children’s home very long, we were able to begin planting. The kids put in so much effort and joined the team in the beginning phase of gardening. Fauricio is one of the kids who live at the home. He loves gardening so very much and has played a big part in helping this project grow. While we were there, he directed our team on what and where to plant. Some of us would step where we planted. He had to stop us and explain to us that if we step there, the seeds will sink too far into the soil and won’t be able to grow, leaving all this planting with nothing to show for it. We were quick to move

This is the staff psychologist, Vanessa. I told her that I’d heard of all the support she gives and what she does. Her response? “I fell in love with these people”.

This is Flaco helping a little one plant seeds. Flaco helps Antonio in La Carpio. He lives there and tries to be at the community center every day. Flaco helps the kids with their homework, loves on them and plays games with them. I asked him what his favorite part about being at the center is. As soon as I heard his response, I fell in love with his heart. He told me that he his favorite thing is to share the love of Jesus with the kids, to show them love. Flaco was with us all week and I loved getting to know him.

Nathan asked me to take some photos of a few of the kids that were there on the day we came. Unfortunately, a few of them were at school and were unable to be there. But I’ll be back and will be sure to get some more. And hopefully it won’t be rainy like it was this day. I’d typically shoot outdoors, but with the weather, we made do in the school classroom. Loved getting to do this for these kids

There for two days, our hearts bonded. Little ones hung on us for an hour or two at a time, danced with us, laughed with us and joked with us. “Are you coming back tomorrow?”, they’d ask. *sigh* No. But I’m coming back. And I’m going to learn Spanish, haha

More lessons, this time Sarah and Antonio teaching the bible. The kids loved it. Though, they didn’t respond well until they found out they would be rewarded for correct answers. As soon as they realized it, all of the kids’ hands were up. They were great and answering, eager to learn.

And more games, too. When Antonio isn’t busy taking care of the property here in La Carpio, he coordinates games and activities for the children to participate in. He is great at encouraging them, reminding them of their manners and more. The reward for great behavior for them is the ability to participate at the community center, going with the theme of “empowering and educating”.

Below are few photos from atop the community center. They give you a brief look into what the village is like here. Nathan took me around a few blocks to see the area. It was great to see many women taking charge. One woman was tearing up a fence to use the wood for something else. Another owned something that would be like our corner store while another sold pieces of clothing. My favorite was Marta, she owns a tortilla stand. They were delicious.

These two stole my heart. They were so well behaved, a bit shy, but both with a great personality. Their names are Jonathan and Anthony, they are brothers. They were glued to Gary’s sides almost the entire two days. I think they stole a pieces of Gary’s heart, too.

Nathan and Kaycee brought down a few of the kids from the kids’ home in Coronado to join the kids in La Carpio for the day. Tonight at dinner, Nathan mentioned that while we’re not only here to help give the kids a good home, the missionaries and home parents are also here to help them become leaders and spiritual leaders. It was great to see a few of them take charge and lead a few groups of younger children in games and activities.

Our time in la Carpio is done for now. But I know that most of the people on this July trip are going to be back. I asked Mauri if there was one thing that she wanted our COF family to know about the people here in la Carpio, it would be that they want to learn, they are eager to. They want to educate themselves and do things for themselves and when they do, they feel a great sense of pride.COF, your support helps our mission team empower these people so very much.