A Journeyman's Way Home

Surrender

2012-02-04T18:37:00.000-08:00

When I'm tired and begin second guessing work that I have been happy with, I now know it's time to sacrifice myself to the gods of sleep. Or at least to a good novel. So simple, but so easy to forget.

Photo by pasukaru76

Where is the Edge?

2012-02-03T19:24:00.000-08:00

Today I had a luxurious morning of reading, journaling, Qi Gong, and sitting which inspired my thinking about habits. Afterwards I had a leisurely breakfast with my wife. We spent some time together, and then she departed to be with friends for the weekend. I relished the precious time I had with my guitar in the afternoon. So invigorationg to be rested and feel that there is an expanse of time in front of me to devote to music. I worked on the fingerings for the opening section of Clouds Never Die, and then worked on the progressions in the second section. Then a new take on the third section materialized. A light lunch followed by a brisk walk in the bright sunshine. Such a treat to have done all of this by 4pm. Back home for reading and a nap.

While reviewing the revised second section, I was still not satisfied with how this develops. Brian Eno's Oblique Strategy - Where is the Edge? came to mind. The logical initial answer is where the music stops flowing for me. A bit deeper thinking about the edge however led to the possibility of the issue being earlier in the section. That the harmonic development was dictating a particular direction. Or is the edge a result of my guitar technique or knowledge of music theory? Perhaps I had reached the edge of my imagination in this musical situation? Maybe the space that the piece is creating had an edge that needed a broader view?

As I played more I asked myself - Do clouds have edges? Are edges distinct or fuzzy? Not surprisingly, as the initial inspiration of this piece arose when I was playing around with Haiku's last month, this arrived:

                            Edges leading where?
                    Clouds obscuring then uncover
                             Music whispers by.

I decided to play the piece from the beginning and listen for the musical edge that needed to be explored. As I began playing and I came to the end of the first section, my hand moved to a chord from the third section. Suddenly a new take on the first section was unfolding and I was moved by what I was hearing. After playing with this for about 40 minutes, I was unable to find the chord that would resolve the section and my left hand was fatiguing. A little house ordering, and then I decided to do an AT lie down. My back was happy for this and after a few minutes I heard a possibility of the resolution. When I returned to the guitar this new chord completed the section. The issue still resides in the next section, but I'll leave this for tomorrows work.

Ever so grateful for the time and space to devote to the guitar. I could get used to this.

What edge are you exploring? Describe it, poke it, expand your view field of this edge, of all edges.

Gentleness Yields

2012-01-31T19:38:00.000-08:00

Tonight we had Qi Gong class. Over and over the instructor reminded us that Qi Gong is gentle, that it is not about forcing; just gentle movements coordinated with our breath. At a few points, I began to sense I was being overwhelmed, and I just paused, directed my thinking, and let go of an emotional reaction. No need to be frustrated, just be gentle in my learning the new forms.

Arriving home I recalled the thought that arose during class, of how gentle can I be in my approach to the guitar? So little effort is required to hold a string down with my left hand and to pluck this with my right. As I began to visit where the musical idea had led to last night, I recalled the line of " float on the air of ambiguity." Could I be gentle as I explored the possibilities of this new section, which has a structure and a harmonic direction?

After 15 - 20 minutes of playing with the notion, the idea began to unfold. When I pushed I lost it. Pausing to direct via AT, I found the path again. Slowly exploring, releasing my hold on finding the "answer," and maintaining a sense of myself. Gently probing, moving in an area that did not come to fruition, and then trusting I explored more. Employing this gentle trusting process a new section arrived. I played this a few times, and then rested a few minutes before notating what I had.

While notating the instruction to proceed gently arose again. I paused, checking in with my body, and again directed with AT. Smiling I completed the notation, played the part, and then put my guitar away. Tomorrow is another day to live, work and play. But tonight I saw that gentleness yields results.

How can you be gentle in your pursuits?

Photo by Salva Barbera

Clouds Never Die

2012-01-30T19:36:00.000-08:00

Last night I ended my practice with learning the first section of a sketch I made based on the Haiku form earlier this month. Tonight this was where I began my practice. After learning the first section, I began working on the transitions in the B section. A thought arose of extending the A section, I played with this and was happy with the results. I gave this piece a working title of "Clouds Never Die."

After completing my session, I enjoyed the company of my wife. As I was preparing to go to bed, I reviewed the A section in my mind. I'm still not familiar enough with the B section to hear it without playing. While making notes in my journal, I reviewed the A section again. The thought arose to return to the A section after B completes and to invert the second chord of the phrase. Then just follow, allow, and float on the air of ambiguity. Now I know how I'll begin tomorrows session.

How will you begin yours?

Photo by Petrov Escarião

Unwind

2012-01-29T17:12:00.000-08:00

Unwind and then don't rewind. How might I state this positively. Unwind and then stay present with my use. That was easy, at least the wording.   "Staying present" is an ongoing aspiration, that is fortunately supported with practices and the loving support of others. The actuality of Being present remains elusive.

Today I did unwind at last. The stresses and strains of the past months melting under the loving and skillful hands of Robert True. Come November as the holiday season begins, my professional duties ramp up in response to the season, as well as the ongoing family celebrations and preparations. We also enter the "survey window" where I work.   Our annual licensure inspection becomes due, and this is a time when all the i's are dotted and the t's are crossed. The anticipation mounts within each department and individual, and with this anticipation, anxiety builds in otherwise good people. Toss in the added reports to wrap up our fiscal year on December 31st and I am in over my head.

The days and weeks become long. The end of year paperwork was filed and then the state arrived the last Monday.   Rising early to practice Qi Gong and my sitting kept my emotions pretty much at bay, and allowed for a calm and centered demeanor. But I was eating lots of sugar and holding in and onto certain reactions. All of which is fine for the short term, but is not the way I wish to live my life. When the state left on Friday, the relief was palpable. However my body was wound up. Yesterday I phone Robert and set an appointment for today.

At one point during the massage Robert asked me if I was stubborn. An emphatic yes was my reply. Then I attempted to soften this and restate that I am persistent. Both are true. Not only did he release my muscles, but offered me an area to explore. Always something.   I came home and napped, waking to the wonderful aroma of an eggplant and potato curry my wife had made. After lunch I read and dozed off again. As I thought of moving to my guitar, I reflected on the opportunity I had in front of me. My body, mind, and emotions were all relatively calm and neutral. Obviously this has not been the case for some time. How to allow this neutrality to generate new information on how I use myself when I play? In a sense to remain unwound.

I began with an "exercise" or practice taught to me by Pedro de Alcantara of using my hands on my hips to generate a simultaneous downward release of my legs and an upward release of my torso. After putting on my guitar, I worked with the Alexander Technique directions to invite in length and width. Playing Gathered Hearts, I thought " I am free," when the music came to a rest. From here I moved onto working with Kinnara, a piece with many rests and alternating slow and faster sections. Again giving the directions and thinking " I am free." While looking at a photo of the Zen Master Thich Naht Hahn, I thought " I am free when in motion," then " I am free when I play." The latter a bit loaded perhaps as a striving and non-accepting of where I am.

As I played I allowed the rests to be longer than usual and worked with my thinking. At times removing my hands from the guitar and giving the AT directions again. No hurry, now where to go, just be with the guitar. I began working with inhibition during the first fast section and arrived at a wonderful place where I was affectionately holding the guitar as a dear friend. I played the fast section slower than usual, pausing to direct, and then faster than required. Observing a slight tensing of my neck, I paused for a lie down. An area that Robert worked on extensively in my back earlier today, releasing into the floor.

Resuming my playing I moved onto Stepping Stones. How would Thich Naht Hahn play this piece I wondered? Listening to the notes, releasing my arms, neck and legs. Returning to Pedro's "exercise" again to invite in opposition. Noticing the occasional pull of my neck, I would pause. Direct, release, inhibit and begin again. Just enjoying the act of playing, I found the tone sweetening. That elusive moment when the guitar sings beneath my fingers, is what keeps me coming back. I realized that in the fifty minutes I had been practicing that a lot fewer notes than normal had been played. My presence with the notes, the sections, and perhaps with music was greater than usual. Now that is I think is "good use of the self."

How are you using your self in your practice? Why?

Of Course it's the Neck

2012-01-21T19:30:00.000-08:00

This morning when I woke, I felt as if I had been run over. A long stressful week professionally, ending with an 11 hour day Friday. The sonic assault of my professional environment seems to take a great toll on me these days. After rising I wrote briefly and read a few pages from Thich Nhat Hanh's Breathe, You Are Alive: The Sutra on the Full Awareness of Breathing, which I've been studying since October. Grateful for the day off, I was in a place where I just did not want to decide what to do today. Fortunately I have my morning routine, and my loving wife with whom I practice.

She reviewed the Blue Heron Walking form from the Qi Gong class which I could not attend this week. Becoming confused with the form, I wanted to let go of Qi Gong altogether. Fortunately, she continued and I followed. Taking us through forms which I am familiar, slowly my body let go of the stress and found release. Towards the end of the session, we were standing and pausing, allowing the Qi to consolidate. I found myself in a slightly unfamiliar stance, that had a sense of rightness. I savored this moment for a bit as she began moving through the word for the day. Smiling I began to move again, knowing that I can not hold onto anything, and just must continue to arrive in each moment. An extremely pleasant contrast to the last couple hours of work yesterday.

Later in the day I was unclear with what to do next, so I rested. After waking from my nap, I stayed in bed and meditated on the body. Finding again the area of discomfort on my right forearm, I noticed a tightness below the right shoulder that appeared to be working to "hold" the shoulder in position. As I just now tried to locate this area, I noticed the relationship between this "muscle" below the shoulder and movement I found myself doing while playing tonight.

Revisiting an exercise from Pedro de Alcanatara's excellent book Indirect Procedures: A Musician's Guide to the Alexander Technique (Clarendon Paperbacks) I was putting a rest in during the second beat of a measure. This brief inhibition of my regular playing, has proved illuminating when I worked with this previously. I was also playing the piece slower than usual, focusing on observing the use of my right hand. As I approached a section that I generally play with great intensity, I found my head slightly scrunching down and to the right. Certainly not a surprise that a poor use of the neck would impact my playing from an Alexander viewpoint, but I was fascinated with finding this particular quirk on my own. As I continued working in this manner, I noticed this again in relationship to a "mistake." Subtle and as I write this I sense a dropping in my shoulder for some reason. Pausing to inhibit my typing and thinking through the AT directions. As I scrunch the neck and slightly lift the shoulder, I sense the "muscular holding" previously referred to. Playing with this again there appears to be a habit of this "scrunch of neck and lift of shoulder " in my use. No idea how this habit developed or why. Now at least I have a sense of what I am working with.

Photo by Luca Biada.

A Day's Symmetry

2012-01-19T19:22:00.000-08:00

Photo by Pedro De Alcantara

At the end of my Qi Gong session this morning, I noticed stiffness in my lower back. Instead of my usual morning sitting, I decided that an AT lie down might serve me better. During the lie down, I contemplated my body, giving the AT directions and hoping the stiffness would release. When I rose from the floor the stiffness was still present.

After dinner and rest, I moved to the basement. Beginning with an AT lie down, I recalled last week when I choose to not move to the guitar immediately after the lie down. I thought it might be good to disrupt this habit again. Then a thought arose of where to take the musical idea I was working with last evening. Ah, the ever shifting mind, generating excuses - real and imagined. After completing the lie down, I choose to run through some Qi Gong forms. Something about the symmetry of lie down to Qi Gong in the morning, coupled with the reverse in the evening seemed right. A few minutes later, I put on my guitar.

Improvising with the idea, I enjoyed the exploration. Nothing definitive arrived, but the musical landscape was broadened. As I thought of my friend, Mal, a haiku began to form. I took a break to play with this and then returned to the guitar. Enjoying the freedom to move between and explore, music, movement, and words. Gently untangling the stories I tell myself, the habits that for better or worse serve me, and the possibilities of my life. May their energy serve the Creative.

To exist is a habit I do not despair of acquiring. - E. M. Cioran

Kindness

2012-01-18T19:22:00.000-08:00

Kindness was the word for the day I chose as I completed my Qi Gong session this morning. My body happy to be moving with ease again, after four days of illness. Hopeful that I might not be totally wiped out after work, like the past two evenings. Grateful that I was kind to myself during the illness, rested, and yet did enjoy 15- 20 minutes of playing each evening. This playing was without demand, just the simple act of enjoying my instrument and flirting with music.

As I went through my day, a few opportunities arose to reflect on my actions related to kindness. After all the Dali Lama has stated " My religion is kindness." Such a simple way of thinking, just difficult to live. Good stuff for me to think about.

As I began to play tonight I was improvising, a sweet extended melody arose. Another flirt with the muse, another opportunity to learn. Thinking about our friend Malcolm Davis who recently departed this life, I began exploring to see if some notes might speak to me of Mal. A melody arose and flowered a bit; sweet, short - like life. Tomorrow I'll visit this again, provided I wake up.

Around the Edge of Habit

2012-01-11T19:04:00.000-08:00

One of the reasons that Lynn Brice Rosen suggested playing around with my guitar during a lie down is "A musician's instrument is a powerful stimulus, often triggering patterned responses even when nothing's being played." So very true. This was illustrated last night at my session with David Jernigan when, as I was semi-supine on the floor, he simply plucked an open string as the guitar lay in the case. There was a flutter in my chest, almost a longing, and a bit of who is that playing my guitar. As he continued to play open strings I worked with staying with my body but the distraction of merely hearing my guitar was pulling me. When I could see him begin to lift the guitar from the case, I had another reaction, but then he set it back.

Tonight I was preparing to play, by first doing a lie down to release the toll of my day. As I hit the floor I wondered, suppose I did not play after the lie down but did something else. Seeing an opportunity to exercise a real choice here, I choose to not move to playing right after the lie down. Then the stories began, but then the time doing constructive rest is wasted if you just clean your desk. You could sit with the guitar. Or play your dumbek instead, at least this would be musical I reasoned. But the habitual pull of moving from lie down needed to be inhibited. Upon arising I sorted through some old food sections for a few minutes. Then as I moved toward the guitar I began singing and even began to dance. Some spirited playing ensued.

Habits are so strong, and sometimes even very good habits need to be examined and set free.

Photo by Michael C Clark

Deconstructive Rest

2012-01-10T18:44:00.000-08:00

Thanks to a comment left here by Lynn Brice Rosen, an AT instructor, I did an experiment with doing a lie down with my guitar. I had contacted David Jernigan about exploring this in our AT class tonight and I am grateful that we did.

David did a little AT work with me, inviting in length and width before putting me on the floor. I am going to jump right to the results of our work. When I rose from the floor there was an expansiveness in my upper torso, a solidity in my relationship to my feet, and a deconstruction of what it meant to have a guitar in my hands.

Arriving home, I was improvising with an idea that came to me during my commute this morning and noticed how free and in the space I was. Ironically when I began later to play a piece, the mental chatter arose. This continued, even with pauses to inhibit, until I abandoned the idea of playing a piece from this wonderful state and returned to improvising. I taped the session with David and may blog about the details at a later date. David's openness, directions, and leaps into the unknown were immense.

The work remains, as always, how to be available to the guitar and music in the present moment. Tonight offered a oblique way in, that I suspect will have repercussions for some time.

Body Maps Haiku

2012-01-09T19:08:00.000-08:00

Body maps construe

Means-whereby I think I do.

Release, refine, Me.

The Question Remains - Where Am I?

2012-01-07T16:57:00.000-08:00

Doing a pre-guitar practice lie down, I noticed the area below my right shoulder blade that sometimes becomes sore from playing. Direct anatomical expression of this area is beyond my competence, and the muscle in question may even lay deeper within my back or within my neck. I do know the area was sore. I focused my thinking on letting go of this tension. Then I took a more universal approach and thought of allowing my neck to be free. Where within the muscular pathways of my neck am I "holding on," or using myself poorly.

As I continued the lie down and thought of releasing my neck, the discomfort left. I wondered about the discomfort I have noticed in the upper part of my forearm of late. What is the relationship between what I often notice in my back and what is happening in my forearm. How am I using myself right now as I type? I found a slight lifting of my shoulder and a shortening of my arm. Where and when did I learn this pattern of use? This is not the first time I have observed this manifestation. Certainly there is a cause, a habit that has evolved within me that has led to this being regular and now causing discomfort. Now my work is to let go of this habit as a typist, as a guitarist, even in how I hold a cup of coffee.

Finding freedom of use within any activity, invites in this freedom to all activities. So the question becomes Where am I? Am I typing mechanically or am I aware of my body, my breath, as I express these thoughts with my lap top?

From my work with the Alexander Technique and examining anatomy texts, I have gained a much greater appreciation of the number of muscles that comprise what we call our necks. These muscles extend deeper and further in the back and the chest than I had ever imagined. As they layer and extend through the passages around bone, tension in one will impact the flexibility of others. Conversely freedom in one affects the rest. Regardless of my state before a lie down, I always rise in a better one. Free and aware, my musculo-skeletal system placed at an advantage for me to undertake activity. Time for another lie down before I pick up my guitar.

Connected, Happy, and Free

2012-01-06T18:27:00.000-08:00

Ever so grateful for the day job, but the work sure does take a lot out of me. Fortunately there are the practices that nourish and sustain me physically, mentally, and spiritually. Without them I'd be either a raving lunatic or dead. So I practice.

Even with my exhaustion I was eager to pick up my guitar tonight, until I hit the basement that is. Noticing the tension and tiredness I was carrying, I hit the floor for an AT lie down. A nice long one, just over twenty minutes. Contemplating my body and letting go of the unnecessary tension that was clouding my thinking and hampering movement. I did not want to get up, and as I rolled over to get up, I was tempted to just go to bed.

But I have my goals and one of them is putting myself out there and looking for new music for 15 minutes a night. I knew I could do this. And I also knew that the energy inherent in reaching for and taking responsibility for my goal, my wishes, would carry me further. I began playing Journeyman's Way Home to touch innocence and then began improvising in a pattern of 5/7/5. The attention required to do this, coupled with the relaxation induced by the lie down, woke me up. I was connected, happy, and free. What more could I ask for. Where would I be without Music?

Art is not what you see but what you make others see. - Edgar Degas

Haiku Informs Me

2012-01-04T19:11:00.000-08:00

Since December 31st, I've been on a Haiku kick. Writing Haiku has never been a pursuit, but suddenly I find myself playing with these 5/7/5 syllable word patterns. Some of the outcomes have surprised me. Time always becomes very precious and in short demand in my life come mid-November. Professional demands amp up with the Holidays, the end of our fiscal year, and our pending annual licensure inspection. Then there is my own family and personal Holiday celebrations. Thus thinking/writing in 17 syllable bursts appears to be efficient. Who knows why this has arrived, but I am in welcoming mode.

On my drive home, the thought arose around using the 5/7/5 as a form for a series of solo guitar pieces. Shortly afters the winter dusk inspired another Haiku, I pulled over to jot this down. Maybe even a combinations of spoken Haiku and music arose. Felt good to be open to the possible.

On Sunday I was working on my personal goals for this month, but did not complete writing them out. After a good short talk with my friend Tom Redmond today, I completed this important task this evening. Tonight I was a bit more realistic regrading my goals, with my time and circumstances this month. I've already worked 30 hours in 3 days this week. The goals are actionable, which is a very important factor. One of the goals is to spend 15 minutes per day to invite in new music. Playing with the idea of a Haiku form tonight, I enjoyed an hour and a half of creating a new piece. As Tom has frequently stated these personal goals energize me to do the work I need to do both professionally and personally. If you happen to be in sales check out his book, Selling From the Inside Out. Even if you are not in sales, Tom's thoughts and ideas will add value to your life.

While taking a break from my playing earlier this Haiku arrived

Haiku informs me.

Notes form sentiments in sound.

Listening to sea.

Silent Seeing

2012-01-03T15:40:00.000-08:00

      Habit - what to play?

Letting needed notes appear,

Music whispers, sighs.

Alexander Technique Haiku

2011-12-31T18:54:00.000-08:00

                           Forward up release,
   Connected energy frees -
   Music, beauty, life.

Directed Thinking

2011-11-28T18:37:00.001-08:00

Thinking.

Thinking is the key.

                    Thinking is the problem. The solution.

                                                 Thinking is over rated ...

The past two nights when I have awakened during the night, my mind was 'thinking" about the musical idea known as Corvus. I love when I can rest and the mind takes over and processes information for me. Of course much of the time, I am on automatic thinking. Tending to routine tasks and behaviors that make up the course of my daily activities. When I bring my attention to these routine tasks is when I become alive.

The Alexander Technique brings my thinking into my bodily movements. This awareness of how I use myself generates a form of mindful energy, as well as being an efficient way to execute simple and complex tasks. Edward de Bono has written many books on the subject of thinking. He has developed and taught a variety of techniques called Lateral Thinking to stimulate our brains and open up our thinking. I recently listened to a book of his on CD and one exercise that I have been experimenting with is the septien. In this exercise you come up with a list of 7 words or short phrase related to the subject you are thinking about. Repeating these words, stimulates the brain in a manner not tied to our habitual thinking

The end of the month deadline is looming for the three pieces I need to complete, so tonight I decided to develop a septien for each piece. Then during my AT lie down, after directing the body to release, lengthen, and widen I would use the septien for the piece I would work with next. My initial idea was to do a lie down, work on a piece for 20 minutes, lie down, etc. Thus looking at all three pieces in a little over an hour. Then I reasoned that I would move from there.

After 10 minutes of my lie down in a traditional manner, I began to recite the septien for Corvus. After a few minutes of this I tuned my guitar, and before playing I revisited the septien. I then began to play through what I had so far. After 15 minutes, I was improvising and the form came together. One run through with the tape running and I was going to move onto my lie down and the next piece.

Yet I did not. Instead I decided to bring order to the parts scratched on different pieces of manuscript paper and notate them with the changes that had just arrived. After this was done I wanted to play through the piece. But my body and mind needed a break. So instead of end gaining, I did another lie down. Reciting the septien at the end of the lie down I played and taped Corvus. More work may be needed, but there was a shift today. I attribute this shift to the combination of Alexander's and de Bono's work. Now if only I did not need to get up so early tomorrow. Excuses. I need to look at another piece.

Outcomes or Efforts?

2011-11-26T19:01:00.001-08:00

Is it the outcome or the effort, I just found myself questioning? This morning began with me playing with the idea titled Corvus, and before I left my home I thought something had moved forward and actually something had. During my work on Corvus, I found myself concentrating hard at some point, when I noticed how my body was scrunching in and around the guitar. Pausing and connecting with my body, I found space within and around me. As I began to play again, I immediately heard how my tone had improved. Then the notes began to connect with the melody I had so far. As I connected with the space and lightness of the piece, my body mirrored this further.

After taping and notating I had to leave for a meeting. During my drive, I thought that working to complete these three ideas had a higher probability of being realized if I had to perform them. Checking with my wife, we decided to invite friends over next Saturday. Returning to work on Corvus tonight, the ideas did not all fall into place. Now I'm wondering if this will come together. And there are still the other two pieces. Oh my, self doubt and negativity can arise so quickly. Let the fun begin; the efforts provide the opportunities, the answers, and occasionally - music.

A Challenge

2011-11-25T18:46:00.001-08:00

Ouch!

When I returned home from work today, I thought that I wanted to focus my guitar work on something new this evening. Digging into my notebook of musical ideas I took out three scores of works in progress. After working with one of the ideas for close to 40 minutes, I took a break by doing an Alexander Technique lie down. I was grateful as my back let go of unneeded tension. The idea Remember Quiet Evenings, did reveal some new notes and a different feel tonight.

When I returned to the guitar I moved onto the next idea, titled Corvus. There is a haunting quality to this, that I have yet to move forward. But just playing around with it, rekindled my interest in the idea. I then looked at Danse Vivante, which I had not touched since this summer. Moving to my desk to make a note to myself, I found my November Goals, one of which was to write three new pieces. Gosh, I was optimistic at the beginning of this month. But now as I sit here, I want to honor this to the best I am able.

I suspect that part of my motivation in writing this goal originally was that I know my professional life gets much busier at this time of the year. New works always keep me eagerly coming back to the guitar regardless of my tiredness. So with five days to go, I'll work to complete these three ideas.

Guess I better get back to the guitar.

Photo by Barry Stock.

The Privilege

2011-11-19T20:42:00.001-08:00

Tonight my heart is warm and my spirit content because I was able to play music for a lovely group of people in a very special persons home. In this life we all want to be listened to, we all need to be listened to. Truly touching to play in such an intimate space, and to have an audience purely and actively listening. Music is meant to be heard, music comes alive when others are listening.

As I was preparing to leave my home, I stepped into the back yard and saw the first evening star through the top of a neighbors tree. Weather it was Venus, Mars, or the North Star I am uncertain, but I did make a wish. Later the Universe responded clearly through the hearts and spirits of the people I played for tonight. I'll never know why this music has come through me; but I do know I'll continue to practice, continue to learn, and be grateful for what is offered. Happy Birthday Mama, while I know that you are still within me, you really are missed.

Raking the Mind

2011-11-19T05:37:00.001-08:00

Out in the crisp early morning fall air. The temperature is close to freezing, the sun shining, and hardly a sound in the urban forest known as my neighborhood. The occasional tweet or chirp from the birds that winter in the DC metro greet me. Gone are the beautiful natural symphonies of spring and summer, now just the quiet of a community still mostly at rest. Time to rake leaves once again; so many leaves, so deep. Can I approach this task as a practice? Or merely get it done? Or as a beloved young person in my life pleaded last night - why don't you just hire someone.

As the rake stirs the first leaves beneath its tines, I listen to the scrunch of decaying life as I pull the leaves across the grass. Hurrying a bit, how much can I get done before breakfast? Before others in my family want my attention? Enjoying just being outside in the sun. With the shorter days and my professional life this is a luxury for me. Breathing in and smiling as I watch the sunlight, dance in the tall oaks still tenaciously holdng onto their leaves. As I dump the second tarp load by the curbside, I decide I could practice walking meditation as I return to the back yard.

As I bend to pick up my rake, I think of the Alexander Technique and how might I apply this here and now. I do have a gig tonight, so I don't want to exert myself in a way that I am sore later. Inviting in the AT directions as I rake, my movements take on more of a dance feel, fluid, light, and free. Pausing before I take hold of the tarp, I pay attention to how I bend to grasp the tarp. As I walk to the curb following my breath, I feel joy begin to grow in my mind.

A bit later, I find my mind wandering about. Loosing the sense of the moment, I am merely raking again. Thoughts of I could be doing better things with my time; am I too cheap to hire some one; too important for this task. Laughing at my crazy wandering mind that is blocking me from the joy I had experienced minutes earlier, I pause again and finding my breath I begin to rake. Noticing the frost is melting now and the grass is such a vibrant green. The wind stirs the leaves still clinging to the oaks and offers me a brief song. Dumping another load, I marvel at the simple act of walking back to the yard. I continue to rake with care and attention, getting lost and then remembering to return to the present moment. As my mind quiets I see once again that anytime I can be present with what I am doing, I am practicing music, practicing life.

I aim to be present with the guitar, with music, when I play. But the mind has its own habits, and anytime I can practice turning my mind to the task at hand is precious. Finding silence in raking, allows me to find silence in playing. And then it is gone again. Directing my thinking via AT, I notice the area of lawn that has now been raked. I realize that a part of my mind has also been raked, building my practice of mindfulness and the Alexander Technique. A bit clearer now, I smile again, grateful for the trees that help to sustain our planet, provide us shade, and home to the lovely songbirds. No hurry in me now, I pause for coffee and writing. Whatever I do today - may I be mindful, may I be free.

Back to the Middle

2011-11-17T19:17:00.001-08:00

From high to low in 24 hours, and through the actions of reflection, writing, and minding my thinking, I veer again towards the middle. After blogging last night, I did some personal writing, followed by an Alexander Technique lie down and then returned to court music.

Beginning my playing with the first piece that ever came to me, A Journeyman's Way Home, allowed me to approach beginners mind. Touching the joy and wonder of the Creative Act, I abandoned the notion of playing the set and moved on to playing Lost Balloon. There is a section in the piece which is still uncertain in my left hand with my new guitar. Accessing the 15th and 17th positions to play this part is not fluid.

After playing the part in the 15th position I noticed my right hand tensing as my left hand made the leap to the 17th position. A good place to focus my work with the Alexander Technique. Using inhibition and direction, I slowly introduced a continued length and freedom in my right hand in place of the tightening that had been happening. I've always enjoyed working on the mechanics of playing, and this work nourished the joy and wonder within. A thought arrived - this is a beautiful section and I am free to play it well.

I continued to work slowly, praising my playing. and pausing before moving between sections and directing with AT. I noticed my awareness deepening and that I was using myself more efficiently. And then the thought that had arrived earlier morphed into - I am free to play beautifully.

Tonight I began with this thought in mind. During my lie down, I held this sense of freedom in my entire body. Cultivating this with thoughts of lengthening and widening my body, I let go of the unneeded tensions accumulated during my day. Working with this section of Lost Balloon again, I prompted my awareness to take in more of the room. Directing upward to the trees outside, wider to the ocean far away. Playing with the Alexander Technique, lightening up myself, including especially my spirit. A gentle and loving practice ensued. Amen.

Descending Clouds of Negativity

2011-11-16T18:12:00.001-08:00

We begin again constantly is a Guitar Craft aphorism frequently mentioned i n this blog. For good reason I might add, as I find myself lost over and over, and need to reboot my awareness once again. I have just began my practice session over two times, after my initial attempt. Here I am now, looking to expunge the thinking matters that are clouding my mind, and embrace the simple act of playing. Thoughts are similar to clouds in many respects. Some are light and fluffy, moving through our minds offering happiness and joy. Others dense, dark, and ominous; bringing storms of disruption and havoc to our being. Depending on my condition at any time, when the various clouds of thoughts arrived, they may be supported, nurtured, or distorted. The good news is - they all come to pass.

While journaling this morning, I was still basking in the energy generated by my playing last night. A couple constructive thoughts arrived. One was to shorten the set to better fit my energy stamina. Another to allow myself a bit more space within to breath, if I again sense my energy diminishing towards the end of the set. I recall a bit of judgement arising with the thought of shortening the set. Negative thinking creeping into an otherwise great experience. I moved onto Qi Gong and meditation and then departed for work.

During my commute, I found myself thinking "don't play the set tonight, you know it will not be as good as last night." The negative seed within me that judges myself and others was breaking through the soil of my mind and beginning to grow. I tried to laugh this off, and thought of just working on the rough spots in my playing tonight and allowing the spark from last night to live a bit longer. Then my thinking moved to "why not get the inevitable over with, have the bad practice and move on." Fortunately I arrived at work and the demands of my professional responsibilities took over.

Before playing tonight, I sat for twenty minutes. Letting my body relax, following my breath, and working to quiet the mind. I needed this tonight, knowing from experience that I was scattered enough that my playing would suffer if I just dove in. Reminding myself of my intention, I tuned my guitar. As soon as I began to play the clouds of negative thought erupted. I wanted to just play through them, but the thoughts impacted my playing which generated more thoughts, generally of a negative bent and so forth. I let go, brought order to some papers and returned to the guitar.

More negative thoughts erupted as I began playing, this time my thinking going back to work today and judging what I failed to accomplish. Walking away again, I returned to begin a third time to no avail. Deciding that getting these thoughts out here and out of my magic magnifying mind, might offer the freedom I need to begin again and move forward with one more effort. Time for a lie down and a new beginning. Trusting and knowing that this is all part of the process, I smile.

Practicing Awareness

2011-11-15T18:13:00.001-08:00

My awareness was strong until the ninth piece when I began to waver.Expect the unexpected. Tonight my wife was supposed to be out of the house for the evening. I created a set list for a house concert this coming Saturday night and was preparing to run it. My intention for this performance is to be aware and to connect positively with the audience. I continue to work with the 16 exercises of Mindful Breathing from the Sutra on the Full Awareness of Breathing. Thich Nhat Hahn's masterful commentary on this Sutra is the subject of his book Breathe! You Are Alive. These practices have been deepening my relationships with my body and mind, establishing mindfulness throughout my day.

Tonight as I was sitting on my stool, aware of my body and mind, quietly preparing to play, I heard the door open. My wife was home early. I invited her, my number one audient, to listen to the set. She graciously accepted.

After tuning, I reminded myself of my intention, and began to play. The set consists of 10 pieces. I was able to maintain the energy of a piece when a mistake occurred a few times, and not get lost nor distracted. My awareness was strong until the ninth piece when I began to waver. During this piece as I was getting tired, I noticed I was beginning to slump towards the guitar and my legs began to "grasp" at the floor. Holding on, better if I could have invited in the 16th exercise and concentrated on letting go. Always so good to have such a loving supportive presence available to music in the form of my wife. She is an active listener and her support is palpable. Any night that I would play as well as I did tonight is a success. I sense that something may be coming together, after years of practice. The sensitivity of my new guitar also is a contributing factor. I am a fortunate man to have much love and music in my life.

And So It Goes

2011-11-11T15:07:00.001-08:00

Today is Kurt Vonnegut's birthday - November 11, 1922. A writer who informed and influenced me in my youth. During my freshman year of college, the afternoon before my Calculus final in December, a friend gave me a copy of Slaughterhouse Five. Knowing that my grade in Calculus was already moot, I dug into Vonnegut. The personal rates of change I was undergoing at this time were not measured by the mighty Calculus, and though lost in many ways Vonnegut shone a bright light on my world.

If I had known any practicioners of Bokononism, I would have joined them or at least that's what I told myself. I had discovered chanting and practiced for a while, but was not ready to embrace their path. Finding more solace with the Existentialists, I wandered and wondered, strayed and dismayed. But Kurt through his writing gave me hope, a retreat from the confusion and chaos of life in the 70's.

As I was practicing tonight, thinking through the Alexander Technique, I recalled one of my favorite lines from The Sirens of Titan, uttered by Sir Winston Niles Rumford: "Let the people take care of themselves and God Almighty will take care of Himself." Chuckling at this pure Vonnegut wit, I sensed the tips of my fingers lengthening from my back.

I worked with this with David at our AT class this week. "The grip" that is known as my left hand, finding release and freedom in the moment. My chuckle was because I was taking care of myself. The musical inspiration comes from the Beyond, but I must take care of the instrument. Meditation, the Alexander Technique, and Qi Gong form the basis of the practice that sustains me today.

Breathing in I know that I am alive; breathing out I smile. And so it goes.

God Bless You Mr. Vonnegut.