She believed Society was fast forwarding into a bacchanalian abyss with TV leading the charge. The dropping of standards by allowing violence, nudity and bad language, she reasoned, would only lead to moral bankruptcy. And we all laughed heartily at the old lady with funny hair and silly glasses.

It seems however, she may be right after all.

The ‘F’ bomb made it’s first ever appearance on this blog in this post not but a few days ago. Yet after taking almost 3 years to turn up, it ‘s already back by popular demand thanks to todays guest poster, Lord Johnny of Truant

If I didn’t have a single other life coaching client in the world, Truant would without doubt be my favorite. Even though he spends a lot of his time using fruity language, posing with fresh fruit and ranting about fruit flies he isn’t as insane as you may first imagine. In fact, from time to time he says some deeply profound and moving things that question the very fabric of of our existence, or so he says.

So grab yourself an apple, slip on your best smoking jacket and put your feet up as you read why JT is starting to look up a lot more often….

I was going to call this post “Don’t Look Down.” As you keep reading, you’ll see how ironically imperfect that would have been, because that title would have contradicted a lot of what I’m about to write. The only saving grace was that I realized it and pointed it out before Tim could correct me, probably with a high spinning kick to the throat off of the top rope, which is something everyone knows he really likes to do to his clients.

Let’s start at the beginning. Sort of.

I wrote a guest post for this blog a while back in which I described my shitty financial situation and how afraid I was every day about it. I then metaphorically turned around and thanked my tormentor, pointing out how fear had a way of making people do things that they needed to do but wouldn’t do otherwise.

In general, people can be motivated by the promise of something good, but they tend to be much more motivated when something terrible is chasing them.

So I said, “Thank you, oh fear that has kept me in a constant state of skeletal rigor for a full year, oh great panic that has kept me from sleeping. Thank you so much for kindly nudging me in the direction of my greater purpose. I was like a battered wife saying that my abusive husband was a good guy who meant well.

Today, I’ve changed my tune. It’s three months later, and three months into the actions that the fear forced me to take. Today, I’ve told that fear to kindly fuck off.

Let me explain.

Fear is indeed a very good motivator. It has a wonderful way of declaring that you’re going to sink or swim — but you’re sure as hell not going to keep floating idly down the river toward the falls. If you need to get off your ass, fear is a great ally to have.

In my own case, it got me up and moving rather quickly. Shortly after writing that post about how fear was swell and cool and looked kind of like Hugh Jackman when it wore that one starched Hugo Boss shirt, I started an online business. I stood up, slung a pair of big balls over my shoulder, and said that I would succeed or go down fighting. And it worked. Things improved, fast. In fact, that business is very near to making its ten thousandth dollar. My problems were solved. Peace of mind was here at last.

Right?

Well, not so much. Every time I started to relax, I’d find reasons to panic. My mind was excellent at finding new, troubling fears. And what’s more, it seemed to intensify — because if things were going very well, the fear had to be very big to derail it.

But derail it it did, because my mind said, “If you’re not afraid, bad things will happen.”

If you’re not careful, fear can become a crutch. Your mind becomes like a junkie, telling you that you need it to survive. That’s what had happened to me. It was astonishing how I found new ways to be afraid, even if it meant coping with a groundless, vague sense of unease that had no logical antecedent at all.

So I’m here today to say, officially, for the record, in front of the assembled press and paparazzi: Fuck off, fear. You have done your job in moving me out of crisis, but I am no longer driven by the whip. I’m now driven by the carrot being held in front of me.

This isn’t as easy as it sounds. Tim’s my life coach, and he’s always telling me to mind my language – and not in the same way my mother does. I’d tell him that I “needed to move before the winter came” or that I “just couldn’t face doing my taxes.” But would I die if I didn’t move? Was I physically unable to do my taxes? I’d talk to him about fear, and worry, and panic, and sadness, and mild depression. No wonder I was always afraid and down. No wonder the prospect of doing those taxes kept feeling harder and harder.

So to replace the fear, I came up with a new metaphor. I wanted to be vigilant and work hard, but wanted to keep my eyes on the prize instead of on the problems waiting if I failed. I started telling myself, “don’t look down.”

Which was a big joke because what do you do when someone says to not look down? You look down. I was saying, “Don’t look at these bills.” I was saying, “Ignore financial problems.” It’s like saying, “Don’t think of a pink elephant.” You have to remember the bills, the ruin, and the elephant in order to deny them.

So I started thinking of what I actually wanted rather than what I didn’t want. I started telling myself, “Keep looking up.”

You can be motivated be good things; it just takes some mental training. It takes vigilance over the words you use to others and in your own head. And if you don’t feel it, fake it. If you catch yourself looking down, remind yourself that what you really want to do is to look up. If you start thinking about what you must do, start reminding yourself that the truth is that you want to do it because of how good you’ll feel when it’s done.

I work hard now because it gives me peace of mind. It allows me to relax without guilt at the end of the day. I work hard because it’s allowing me to move from Ohio to North Carolina, where it’s at least somewhat warm and sunny for the entire year. I think a lot about the future I’m building. It’s not accurate to say that I refuse to look down. What I do is to keep looking up.

Now if I could only find a counter-move to that spinning throat kick off the top rope. I’m considering maybe a figure-four leg-lock. What do you think?

——————

You can find Johnny Truant lurking here and also stalk him on Twitter here. A quick word about Twitter. I get about 75 new followers per week here and about 3/4 of those people unfollow me pronto when I fail to follow back. I’m not being a stuck up knob (no more than usual anyway), it’s just that I turned off e-mail notifications for new followers ages ago. The reason is, I get enough e-mails every day and I would rather decide who to follow based on who talks to me. It’s an old fashioned concept I know, but I like it.

An excellent new resource from Cath Duncan goes live today. She is condensing some great self development books into manageable chunks, so that you can get the value out of them without having to wade through all the fluff, Cool idea, huh? Check it out here. This is an affiliate link, but I know and trust Cath.

Finally I am going to get soppy. It’s my wifes birthday today (1st July) and I just wanted to say Happy Birthday to the gorgeous, talented, funny, wise, compassionate, patient, intelligent and always incredibly supportive Skippy B xx. Any women that can put up with me deserves praise, I think we can all agree with that.

Next Up: I’m starting a brain changing experiment that has cost me hundreds of dollars and is for your good. So tune in next time to find out what misery I’m subjecting myself to all in the name of self-development and helping lovely people like you.

I mentally rehearsed what I was going to say as I neared the front of the line. I knew I needed to execute my plan with clinical precision if it were to succeed.

“Yes!” she barked.

All of a sudden my mind went blanker than Sarah Palin facing a Katie Couric question. “Er” I stammered. “Er, I was thinking that you, er…er. Look, look! I can see Russia!”*

“What?!” She looked at me with a sense of agitation mixed in with the kind of momentary pity usually reserved for the bugs you clean off the front of your car. She glanced over my shoulder at the lengthening line and back at my ashen face.

I gulped and tried to gather my composure. Unfortunately my composure had wondered off to get a coffee and was trying to avoid the embarrassment of being associated with me.

I blurted out, “Can I have an upgrade….please?” What the hell was I thinking of? Can I have an upgrade? Can I have an upgrade? That was never going to melt the Ice Queen. I may as well have said, “do you fancy a dance darling and then maybe back to my place for coffee and a look at my etchings?”

I wandered back past the snickering line having being summarily dismissed in full view of half the flight. There were no upgrades, no better seats and no she didn’t want a dance either.

I slumped in my seat and tried to compose my thoughts as to how my cunning plan went so horribly wrong. I replayed what I meant to say and then compared it to what I actually said. I may as well have been comparing the limp cellophane wrapped sandwich of dubious origin I’d eaten on the first stage of my journey, to the sumptuous banquet I was imaging partaking in, on my transatlantic leg.

Maybe I could have another go, I thought to myself an hour or so later. By now the line had gone as most people were checked in, Anyway, what had I got to lose? It’s not like she was going to beat me up. Although I’m pretty sure she could have if she’d wanted to.

This time I marched up with the sense of confidence and determination sadly lacking on my previous attempt. My nemesis had her head down and was sorting boarding cards. Without waiting for her to acknowledge me, I slammed my hand down on the counter top. As she looked up I felt the blood and confidence drain from me.

Are you one of those people that can raise just one eye-brow? If you are, never underestimate the power of that ability. To me, it sits just a tad behind being able to fall asleep before the birds start chirping as the most under appreciated skill known to humans.

The Ice Maiden looked at me and raised one eyebrow without saying a word. “No upgrades then?” I meekly ventured. Apparently not.

I shuffled back to my seat convinced there were people heading from other departure gates to see me make a complete fool of myself as the news spread. Then as I sat there a strange thing happened. I started to laugh about my feeble attempts and laugh quite loud. The more I thought about it, the more I laughed. Then I have no idea what came over me, but I decided to have one last go.

I was still laughing when I got to the desk “Remember me?” I inquired with a huge smile on my face. At that moment a change took place. I’m not sure if there was a shift in the tectonic plates or maybe Mars had slipped behind Uranus, but a smile started to spread on the lovely lady’s face.

Feeling encouraged I battered on “You know what? I absolutely love Delta. And what I love most about it, are the brilliant staff like you” She started to laugh. “No seriously, I would gladly sell my house if I had one and give all the money to Delta, such is my devotion to the greatest airline the world has ever known. My bedroom is a shrine to Delta Airline, all things Delta and of course it’s world-class ground crew”

This wasn’t at all what I had planned, but it made her laugh and the net result was ten minutes later I had my upgrade into business class. Delta business class wasn’t quite what I had hoped for, but who cares. It was free and it was better than economy!

That was my first ever attempt to get an upgraded flight other than asking sheepishly “I don’t suppose there are any upgrades, are there?”

Since that day three years or so ago I have flown about a dozen times, and only once have I failed to get a better seat and I have had three cabin upgrades. That’s a pretty good record for somebody that has no real ‘status’ in terms of being a regular flier with any one airline.

I always buy the ‘ultra-economy, tight-arsed can’t change a damn thing ticket’ and that doesn’t give you much kudos with the big carriers because they don’t make any money on them.

I have read all sorts of tricks and tips on how to get upgraded in hotels and on planes. Some great, some ok under certain circumstances, and some downright bizarre.

Probably the worst in terms of air flight is to claim you need extra leg room because you have a bad back. Airlines cannot seat anybody in an exit aisle (which is where the extra leg room is without being upgraded) that is physically incapable of opening the door in an emergency. So approaching the check-in whilst dragging one leg behind you and muttering “the bells, the bells” probably isn’t advisable.

I am a Red member of Virgins Flying Club. That is slightly above ‘Scum of the Earth’ in terms of being upgraded. In fact, to get to be a Red member, you only need to know how to spell Virgin and preferably your own name, although the latter isn’t mandatory.

I tell you this because if I were a Gold or even just a Silver member the odds of getting a better seat or upgraded would be exponentially increased. Think of Brad and Jenn trying to book the last table in the fanciest restaurant in town on a Saturday night, versus OJ out on parole and without his anger meds demanding he get it, and you get the idea of where the balance of power lies.

The advice I am going to give you is tailored towards airports, but it can easily be used with hotels and anywhere else where upgrades are feasible.

So, if you’re ready, let us take a peek together into the murky waters of NLP and advanced language patterns.

Let’s get some of the obvious stuff out of the way why this sometimes doesn’t work. In the first reason you’ve always got the option of asking for a supervisor, but do so in a way that doesn’t undermine your first point of contact

• The person you are talking to has zero authority to upgrade you. This is much more likely than would have been the case twenty years ago because of flying clubs, air miles etc
• The plane is full and you are checking in late with all seats allocated
• The check-in staff know there are some heavy hitters due to check in. Priority will always go to frequent flyers
  
• You look like a tramp that was just thrown out on the ‘Tramp of the Year’ convention for being too scruffy
• Some people are simply less susceptible to this kind of approach than others
• They think you’re mental
  

The starting point be it a plane or a hotel is to know your geography. Go online and see which seat you have been allocated. Then check which seats in economy are the best to ask for in case you can’t get the desired upgrade i.e. Exit aisle seats which can vary in number from aircraft to aircraft.

The reason for this is simple. If the person helping you isn’t able to offer what it is you want, they may want to compensate some other way. That may be to offer you a better seat in the same class, which is still a result if you’re on a long haul flight, trust me.

Out demo flyer is called Bob and he is checking-in and about to attempt to get an upgrade. Let’s see how he does shall we? Actually, seeing as this is fictitious and I’m trying to make myself look good, I think we both know he’ll have the keys to the plane inside ten minutes.

“Wow, what a day! First I get bumped into in my rental car in the parking lot. I have to sort that business out with this really nice guy who was very accommodating, but then guess what happens? I am in the elevator and I get stuck at the first floor. (Bob starts laughing) It’s not even the first time that’s happened to me and to make matters worse there are some guys in with me that insist on talking about business, business, business. Can you believe it?”

Bob slams his hand down on the counter and looks almost conspiratorial as he leans forward.

“I was just wondering if you are in a position to please help save the day for me now?”

“Er if I can”

Bob hands over his passport and ticket and as the person is about to take it he gently lays his hand on top of the other persons in a fleeting, friendly and definitely non-pervy I’m not about to stalk you kind of way.

“First class, I knew you would if you could. I have been on the go for 12 hours and I was curious to know whether you could allocate one of those lovely spare business class seats to me because I would really like to get some sleep on the flight home.”

Bob shuts up, smiles broadly and leaves an empty silence whilst at the same time mirroring the upper body of the check-in assistant and making a slight tilt sideways of his head.

At that point, Bob is whisked away into the Upper Class lounge where he is plied with Champagne, caviar and peanut M & M’s.

Could the above work, or is it just gobbledegook? Well let’s take a closer look by breaking down what happened and you make your own mind up.

Suggestion – The intro is using the power of suggestion with words like first, business, bump etc as well as building rapport. It may seem obvious when reading it and you may think people would notice, but it isn’t, and they don’t. As long as it sounds conversational and genuine that is all that matters.

Questions - There are also a couple of questions thrown in prior to the real request. These are intentional and used to keep the person off balance. If you ask a question of somebody they go inside to search for an answer. If you don’t give them time to answer, it is confusing. Then when you hit them with another question they really want to be able to give you an answer. It is important you allow them time to answer this one. It is a somewhat similar process to the confusion technique used by hypnotherapists when conducting trance inductions.

Note: If I ever try this I make sure I ram my car into another one in the parking lot and then hit the emergency button in the elevator whilst between the first and second floor, for the sake of integrity.

Interrupt – Bob slamming his hand and laughing unexpectedly is a pattern interrupt and is designed to momentarily confuse the other person. When something unexpected happens no matter how seemingly insignificant, the brain takes a moment (usually 3 to 5 seconds) to readjust. That time period is a window to say what it is we really want.

Wondering – The use of the word wonder or curious requires the other person to go inside and start asking themselves what it is you are wanting to know.

Authority - If you ask somebody whether they are in a position to help in a situation like this you are really asking “have you got the power?” People like to think they have authority and if they can demonstrate that, then they are often inclined to do so. To say no, may make them feel powerless.

Help - We are hard-wired to help others. I know it often doesn’t seem that way, but it is and people can actually get a high not dissimilar to cocaine when acting altruistically.

Now - This is another embedded command. We are telling the recipient we want what we want and we want it now please.

Building Rapport – Most people respond better to requests for help from people they have made physical contact with, even if it’s only a friendly hand on the shoulder. In fact in sales, you increase your chances of closing a deal by (I think because I’m going from memory here) about 45% if you make (appropriate) physical contact.

The personal space thing is largely a myth if you are in rapport with somebody. Having said that, a minority of people may freak out, so do this with caution. For example, this would not have helped me with my lady from Delta, it would probably just have got me a broken arm.

Repeat – After some more suggestions, such as first class etc. Bob repeats back that the person says they would help if they could by simply saying “I knew you would”. This creates a contract in the mind of the other person and makes it trickier to back down.

Assume – This is similar to the sales technique of assuming the sale. Bob has indicated he knows there are seats available. If there are (and that is often, but not always the case), then the person may not know he’s bluffing and they can’t just say “Sorry it’s full”. If they are full, then they will just tell you and you can ask for an exit aisle or Premium Economy seat.

Reason – Bob gives a reason why he wants the upgrade. Again this is important, as people respond much better to requests when they are told why they are being asked. Even if the reason is trivial, or seemingly irrelevant, it helps them justify it to themselves.

Mirroring – The mirroring of the other persons actions can also be very helpful in building rapport and again, people do not notice it. We have a tendency to naturally mirror and match people anyway, this just speeds up the process.

Deference – The tilt of the head at the end is to show deference. There is a case to be said for keeping a straight body and head, thus demonstrating authority, but I prefer this approach because the other may appear intimidating.

I could have also gone into anchoring, but unless you have chance to chat for a good five minutes and are prepared to spend days practicing it, I’d advise to leave well alone.

You may be thinking about wimping out and just asking for a better seat in economy on your first attempt. If you resist such wimpiness and ask for business or first class first, your chances of getting a better seat in economy are significantly higher. The first request acts as an anchor and the person will then be unconsciously reluctant to offer you nothing. A better seat in economy is an easy out for them.

I know some people will doubt the ethics of using such tactics, but there is a serious side to this. I also want to demonstrate how YOU can be unwittingly influenced by others. Having said that, we’re looking for a free upgrade here, not trying to mug Old Granny Johnson out of the life savings she’s about to spend on Christmas presents for the local orphanage. That comes next time when I tell you all about hypnotizing old ladies out of toy money.

If you are interested in some of the body language I was talking about check out this post because I think you’ll find it interesting.

* OK so the Delta event took place before the Couric/Palin interview did and I can’t remember exactly what I said but it was something equally benign and un life coach like.

BTW, I read a great post this week over at Charlie Gilkeys blog called  A Lost Weapon, A Person Revealed, and A History Hidden, check it out.

I’m sure that most of his actions in later life were learned behaviors developed in his formative years. If you want to apportion blame (and quite frankly, I don’t),  look no further than those that raised him, and those that stood back and watched his behavior grow increasingly erratic without having the guts to intervene.

I have no idea whether he was a pedophile, a child molester or just a misunderstood genius, and quite frankly that is the bit I don’t give a damn about. He was a human being, no better, no worse than you or me. The music, the singing and the showmanship is academic.

I posted this on Twitter yesterday when the news broke:

“I think I may have to walk away from Twitter for a while because I care more about the homeless guy down the road than Michael Jackson”

I thought I may take some flak, but it actually got retweeted by people I don’t even know. On reflection, it was probably unfair to say that. What I should have said was:

“I care as much about the homeless guy down the road as Michael Jackson”

Michael Jackson made some brilliant music and as somebody that owned a record store for 8 years he made me a lot of money. Personally I was ambivalent about most of his albums, but I could then, and still can see the appeal. It was and still is classic pop music in the truest sense.

Prior to Michael Jackson dying there were a number of tweets saying how sad it was Farrah Fawcett had died. Well yeh, I guess it was, but because a human being had died and not because it was a Charlies Angel that had her wings taken off her.

18,000 Americans die every year (that’s almost 50 people every day) because they couldn’t afford proper medical insurance. I don’t see much on Twitter about that, yet to me that is something worth Tweeting about.

62% of all bankruptcies in one of the wealthiest countries on the planet are because of medical bills. Insurance companies employ people to find ways to avoid paying claims, even to those that are in danger of losing their jobs, their homes and their self respect.  That to me is also worth Tweeting about.

And of course I could go on about the inequity of life, but what’s the point?

What has this got to do with Life Coaching and/or self development you may be wondering?

I joked in this video and encouraged people to embrace celebrity culture. It seems to me for millions of people in this country and also the UK, it’s far from a joke, it’s a way of life.

Michael Jackson is looked upon as being almost Godlike by some people and no doubt his untimely death will heighten that status in years to come. The reality is, he had the same limitations, the same concerns and the same foibles as we all do, maybe even more so. He was human, he lived, he died, he paid taxes.

If you’re saddened or shocked any more by the death of a guy that could sing when you never even knew him, than you are by the death of a homeless person that freezes to death sleeping under cardboard boxes, I’d ask you to reevaluate your priorities.

Oh I know people will say people say he brought so much joy to the world. Well yeh that’s true, but so do the teachers that help children overcome learning difficulties, nurses that help patients regain full health and fire fighters that stop blazes before they level peoples property. The guy that invented chocolate did a bang up job too.

If you believe in God, then I’m sure you adopt the belief that God made all human beings equal. Some aren’t a bit more equal than others because they happen to be able to bang out a tune or dance a bit. God probably isn’t all excited because MJ can now teach him in person how to do the moon dance you know.

Even if you don’t believe in God, unless you’re a homophobe, a racist, a misogynist or an elitist I’ll presume you still think we’re all equal. If that is the case and you’re upset about the passing of Michael Jackson, I feel sure you’re equally concerned for the 50 mothers that lost their children in the time it took you took to read this post.

Should we tweet about them?

I have been haranguing her to do me a guest post for some while and I’m delighted to say under pain of death and the threat of me publishing the nonsensical e-mails she sends me, she finally acquiesced. Other than read this post, I’d also encourage you to follow her on Twitter, just don’t expect anything she says to make any sense.

A Life Less Boring

I was reading a thread on my forum about a gifted child who is bored in school and blowing off his work. As you can probably guess, a few people chimed in to say that the child would simply have to adjust to living in a world where he is often bored and have to plug away anyway. But does he really have to? Perhaps somebody has to, but is that really what we want for our children? Or for ourselves?

During my life coaching with Tim, one of the hardest things for me to do was to admit, that yes, I did think that poking around in cans of weird food and making up answers to inexplicable questions was a fine and dandy way to spend the rest of my life and what’s more, I could somehow make it the cornerstone of my future career.

As much as I love doing it, it seemed too self indulgent to admit and more than a bit strange to think it was a goal worthy of coaching. I kind of wanted to tell him I wanted to go to law school and help refugees get asylum or make 10 million dollars in five years; you know, something like I imaged all of his other clients wanted to do.

Why did I feel it was self indulgent? Because it’s so amazingly fun and exciting that even the stuff that should bore me to tears seems to fly by when I’m doing it. The crap you couldn’t pay me to learn if I were doing it for somebody else isn’t drudgery, it’s a joy because it gets me one step closer to where I want to be.

I don’t even recognize myself some days, because although I am half Asian, half Puritan stock, the industry-ethic gene seemed to pass me by and I was that kid sitting bored in the classroom, unable to think about doing another worksheet because praise for doing well on a job you see no point in only motivates you so far.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes we will have to make our children do things that they don’t particularly care to do for their own good, but how ass backwards is it to say “Oh well, that kid’s smart, smart people are going to be bored a lot, might as well get used to it now, poor thing”? It’s crazy, isn’t it? Yet I’m sure most of you are thinking, hey, get that kid some enrichment, help him find his passion, how cool is it that he has the potential to make so much of his life, you go smart boy!

Yet, when it comes to ourselves, how many of us are resigned to being bored much of the time? Plugging away because we feel we’ve got no other options and feeling more drained as each day goes by?

I felt that way for a long time, I figured that the correct and proper thing for me to do was go back to school, get a degree in something that paid a decent enough salary and once we got the kids started on their adult lives, maybe there would be enough left over for the husband and I to take some cruises. And I don’t even like boats, it just seemed like that was the kind of thing I should want to do when I was retired.

The thing is, when you’re doing something you love, you’ve got as much downtime and busywork as any other working person, you’ve probably got to deal with the same amount of dolts and dullards, but you don’t have that same feeling of crushing boredom. There are tasks that aren’t exciting or even unpleasant and then there is boredom.

Boredom isn’t a lack of things to do, most of the time when I’ve been bored there have been excessive piles of crap to do; boredom is a lack of motivation and energy. Boredom is your passion calling to you “Hey, what about me? When are you going to feed me?” and you, because of fear, lack of confidence, whatever, refusing to answer so it shuts down all systems until you pay it some attention.

I believe when people are bored, when they are rushing through and don’t seem to care, that’s a symptom worth noting and something to be dealt with. Of course, we’ll all have those random days when we can’t be bothered and it’s usually nothing more than fatigue, weather or hormones but being chronically bored doesn’t fit in with my notion of us as a can-do, peppy sort of species.

We didn’t evolve these big brains to sit around feeling like we don’t want to do anything.

It’s been my observation that lazy people are usually bored people and bored people are usually afraid people.

If you’re bored with your life, and it’s not something requiring treatment like depression, go ahead and ask yourself why? Write down the answers and then look at the answers and ask yourself again, why?

Now, I live on the same planet as the rest of you with mortgages and health insurance needs and liking to eat every day, and I understand if you can’t immediately make a drastic change to whatever it is that’s stopping you from going for your passion.

I understand if you’re afraid and imagining all the scary things that could happen. But what I won’t understand is saying “oh well, this is just the way it is, better get used to it. Sigh”. You deserve better than that, you really do, and if you don’t believe me stop now and read some of Tim’s posts on self confidence and work on getting some.

Now, write down what you really want to be doing. Where is it that your passion and your talents meet to create something extraordinary? Not what you think you should want to do or what you think other people would find exciting and interesting, but what you’d do if nobody was looking.

Well, not everything you’d do, this is a family blog. Indulge in daydreams, tell yourself a story where you’re living the life you want to live.

Editors Note: A family blog? I think she is confused with mylovelycuddlyblog.com. Please feel free to tell us everything in the comments and a link back to a webcam would be nice too.

Better, yet, act it out. Practice your acceptance speech for the Nobel prize in the bathroom mirror. Flip through magazines and decide what you’ll wear to the premiere of your movie. Be a total goofball about it, because goofy makes you happy and happy sets you on fire.

When you’re on fire, ask yourself, how can I move towards having more of this in my life? It doesn’t necessarily mean finding a way to quit your job and do this full time straightaway. Currently, I only work on my blog and other online ventures very part time, but that’s enough to make doing all the scut work a mom of five must do seem not so bad.

The thing is, when you’re feeding your passion it says okay, I’m being taken care of, you can go do all that other stuff for a bit as long as you promise to come back and give me more cookies. Passion isn’t totally unreasonable, it just wants some tender loving care.

A life of boredom is not an inevitability, it’s totally optional. You can lead a life where you feel engaged, motivated and ready to kick butt; it might not be easy to start taking those steps but once you do, watch out! You won’t believe how you managed to put up with anything less for so long.

You can read more from Tracy at I Hate My Message Board

Next Post: How To Get A Free Flight or Hotel Upgrade

I have written a long post on using advanced language patterns, NLP and some sleight of mouth. I have been umming and ahing over whether to post it, but have finally decided with the encouragement of no less than two people on Twitter, to go for it. I may get some grief for shaky ethics, but what the hell; somebody told me my use of the ‘F’ bomb in the last post was tame. Are there grades of ‘F’ bomb depending on the gratuitousness? I’m fucked if I know.

How To Be Rich & Happy – Coming To A Monitor Near You, 9/22/9

“It’s a bit weird for me to be writing about this stuff because I’m so far away from being rich, it’s not even funny. I don’t have a 401K, I don’t own a home and I don’t have any stocks and shares”

John laughed and said “Tim, you really should know better than to say that. You get the chance to set your own calendar, you walk the dogs when you want to walk the dogs, you play golf when you want to play golf and you can sit in your office looking like a scruff enjoying your what you do for a living. How many other people can say that?”

John then told me about something that happened to him the previous night. He’d been running around the house with his 2-year-old daughter on his back. He would run into the master bedroom and throw her on to the bed leaving her in a fit of giggles. He’d then go and hide and she would have to find him for the game to begin again.

After 30 minutes of running around he started to think he really should be getting some work done. At that juncture I dived in before he had time to draw breath. “But John, what’s the reason you do the work? I’ll tell you what it is, it’s to make the money so you can afford to spend more time and have fun with your family. Am I right? Am I? Eh? Eh?

I then rocked back in my chair with a look of triumphant smugness etched across my grinning and highly punchable face.

John gently pointed out he’d had that exact same thought. He realized he was instinctively reacting to thirty years of societal conditioning and that it really was ok to play with his daughter now and not have to put it off. So he continued to fool around for another half an hour.

A few days prior to that I was talking with an unnamed client about procrastination. I’m not saying this client hasn’t got a name, because he has a very nice name, I just mean I wont mention it here. Client X as he shall be now known, is an academic type. He is working towards becoming a Nobel Prize winner and major boffin, or something like that.

He has made some brilliant progress over the last few weeks and has been moving steadily toward his goals. The weather had been pleasant and he’d taken two days off from work to go and play on the beach with his kids. He was now feeling guilty about doing so.

I seldom swear on this blog, as or anywhere else for that matter, you well know. In fact I don’t find bad language big or clever. However, you may want to avert your eyes for a paragraph, because I am going to have to employ the ‘F’ bomb here to fully portray the scale of my incredulity. Whether I used this actual word with a client is doubtful and alas now lost in the midst of time. But if I didn’t, I probably should have.

As somewhat of an irrelevant aside, I got an e-mail this week from somebody asking me for my opinion on codes of practice for life coaching. My first thought was, “Holy shit! They have codes of practice for Life Coaching? Oh no, I’m screwed!” Then I started thinking, why would anybody ask ME about a Life Coaching code of practice? Quite frankly I am indifferent to such things, all I need to know is: “Does it help the client whilst being lawful, ethical and moral? If the answer is yes, then that works for me, what more is there to know?

Anyway I digress because I responded to Client X in a rather high pitched voice thus:

“Are you fucking kidding me? Your world domination (scientifically speaking of course) was put on hold for two days whilst you spent time with your kids. That’s time you’ll never ever have again and time that all the money in the world won’t be able to buy when they’re grown up and left home. Is that really deserving of guilt?”

This was not an attack on my client, because I love this person like the third uncle that I never had. Not a favorite uncle you understand, more like the type that you only see at Christmas when he gets blind drunk on cheap Port and wants to fight his twelve year-old niece because she beat him at Trivial Pursuit, but an uncle nevertheless.

It was though, an attack on the crap conditioning John mentioned that we’ve all been exposed to throughout our lives. I was lashing out at Society as a whole in all it’s ridiculousness. I hope it was listening.

I asked him whether when he was lying on his death bed (I mention death beds to all my clients. So much so, I fear those that die without a bed to hand, do so with a sense of bitter disappoint and resentment toward me. They probably have lots of great stories lined up ready to look back on, and end up feeling suitably cheated), he’d be thinking “Damn I wish I’d got that paper in two days earlier and not wasted time on the beach with the kids that put me in this crappy nursing home?”

Once again I rocked back in smugness, but this time with nobody available to see just quite how smug I looked, it was somewhat of a waste.

I don’t know what’s really important to you. It may be playing with your kids, partying with your friends, having a romantic meal with your partner, playing sports or having family get-togethers that don’t end up in arguments over Trivial Pursuit.

I do know this though. One day the chance to have more of whatever it is, will be gone forever and you’ll no longer have the opportunity to procrastinate.

Ask yourself now, what’s really important to you? If you could do anything at all today and presuming it’s actually possible, what would it be? What stops you doing that anyway? How can you swing it? If you did, would there be an acute feeling of guilt, or a real sense of liberation?

Looking back on the best days of your life to date, how many were at work? How many do you feel guilty about at this moment? How many did you feel guilty about at the time or shortly after? Few if any would be my guess, so that guilt was never really needed, was it?

How often do you find yourself putting off stuff you really want to do and spending time with people that you really want to be with, because you feel there is stuff you need/ought/should/must/have to be doing? How important in the grand scheme of things is that ‘stuff’ and will you remember it in a week, a month or a years time? If not, what makes it so important that you’re willing to put off the good stuff?

Do you have a “To-do list’ full of stuff you don’t want or feel pressured to do?

Or do you have a ‘Love to-do list‘ chock full of exciting, invigorating and engaging activities that will put a big cheesy grin on your face?

When death bed time inevitably arrives, won’t it be cool to be asking the Grim Reaper for a few more hours because you haven’t had time to fit all your great memories in, rather than saying “OK, ready when you are my boney handed friend”?

What will have to happen for you be able to do the things you really want to do and live a life free from regret now?

Make no mistake, these are the good old days of your future. So make the most of them the only time you can, and that’s now.

It’s an explanation of how to make better decisions and why sometimes you’re more clever than even you think you are. Cunning stuff indeed.

If you, and yes, I do mean YOU, have a question on Life Coaching or general self-development, please let me know. If it’s an interesting ‘how to’, I may even put it out on YouTube or  answer it here. I can’t promise I’ll use it, but at least it will help me to feel wanted and important. You’ll find my e-mail address here.

When I first received an e-mail from Robin Krieglstein from Goal Tribe offering a guest post I was somewhat taken aback. He actually sent seven post titles to me and asked me which one I wanted. What a tantalizing and innovative approach I thought. The net result was I opted for the one you see before you now because I was intrigued by the title and I know you will be too. So read on….

The Golden Rule Is Wrong

Some form of the Golden Rule exists in most religions and philosophies around the world. It seems to perfectly sum up morality in one simple sentence:  “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” That should keep you out of trouble, right?

Wrong! The Golden Rule has a fatal flaw that gets lots of people into deep trouble.

Read on to learn the Revised Golden Rule Version and discover how it will:
1.    Prevent you from upsetting people unnecessarily
2.    Allow you to create more harmonious relationships
3.    Be more successful at achieving any goals involving other people (i.e. all of them)

The Golden Rule’s Fatal Flaw

Consider this: Wilma comes home upset and ranting about how a friend has wronged her yet again. Fred is a problem solver, so he immediately starts suggesting various solutions to Wilma. But Wilma just wants someone to listen to her first. She just needs to talk it out and then she’ll feel better. Because Fred isn’t listening and keeps distracting her with ideas, Wilma get furious and shouts, “You never listen to me!” as she storms out the door. Fred is confused because he, “Did unto Wilma as he would want Wilma to do for him.” He focused on how to solve the problem. He focused on what he would want, not what Wilma would want.

The problem with the Golden Rule is the second part:

Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You

People constantly “help” others in the way that they themselves would want to be helped, but the other person doesn’t feel helped at all, because it’s not the way that THEY want to be helped.  Sure, it’s the thought that counts, but it’s MUCH better if the thought and the action are both appreciated.

Now notice how the Revised Golden Rule avoids these kinds of conflicts:

Do Unto Others as They Would Like to Have Done To Them

The Golden Rule originated thousands of years ago when people tended to live with people who mostly looked, dressed, talked, and thought pretty much like each other. But you probably interact every day with people who have different opinions on clothing, music, politics, spirituality, culture, manners and morality. So the odds are much higher today that someone has very different opinions from you about how they like to be treated.

A Few Dramatic Examples:

To really help the point sink in, here are some examples of someone trying to be nice, but messing it up because they didn’t take into account what the other person would want:

1.    Tina throws Bob a huge, glitzy surprise party, but Bob is an introvert and would prefer a quiet evening with just the two of them.

2.    Lisa loves hugs, but she often makes more reserved people feel uncomfortable when she gives them a squeeze despite their attempts to avoid them.

3.    Martha bakes her favorite super sweet cake for Jamie’s birthday, but Jamie doesn’t like sweets.

4.    Vernon prides himself on speed, and whips out a bare-bones report for his boss 2 days early, but his boss values quality, and fires Vernon for lack of attention to detail.

5.    After a delicious meal in China, Rupert licks his lips and grins – but the chef is insulted because in this part of China a belch is the only way to declare a meal tasty.

Are you starting to get the idea? To explore this concept further, take a look at Tim’s post “The Map is Not the Territory”. This little distinction can make a big difference in your relationships, your career, your business and all areas of your life. Here’s how:

5 Steps to a Platinum Life using the Revised Golden Rule

1.    Open Up to the profound idea that other people have radically different worldviews than you do, and they are just as convinced of their idea of how things should be as you are of yours. And that’s perfectly alright! The sooner you accept that, the sooner your life will get easier. (Tims note: Check out Prometheus Rising by Robert Anton Wilson)

2.    Listen closely to other people to begin understanding how they see the world and what their standards and preferences are. Often people only keep track of their own model of reality. But your mind is extraordinary enough to track many different versions of reality. You don’t have to agree with them, just understand them. (If this is difficult for you, see my post “Would You Rather be Right or be Happy?”)

3.    Identify how the people you know like to be treated. What do they like or dislike? Are they more organized or spontaneous? Do they like surprises or plans? Are they more formal or casual? What are their favorite things to do? What are their rules for behavior?

4.    Remember a person’s preferences for the next time you have an opportunity to use that knowledge.

5.    Surprise them when you get an opportunity by showing how well you know them. Show your spouse that you know her ideal night out. Show your kids that you know how they like their lunch prepared. Show your manager that you know how they like projects to be completed. Show your customers that you know how they like to be served. Nothing builds a relationship like showing that you pay attention and care about someone’s interests.

Keeping the Revised Golden Rule in mind will help you strengthen all the relationships that make up your personal and business life. You’ll avoid the missteps that thwart your efforts to connect with and support your friends, family and coworkers, and you’ll find it a little easier to work with others to achieve your life goals.

Remember: Do Unto Others as They Would Like to Have Done To Them

Do you have any stories of someone doing something for you that didn’t really work out because they didn’t take your preferences into account? Please share them in the comments.

Robin Krieglstein is the Founder and CEO of GoalTribe.com, the most advanced goal achievement social network on the planet (according to Robin!). GoalTribe offers free, step-by-step guidance to plan your goals, get a support team, build motivation, track your progress and overcome all obstacles. GoalTribe is the culmination of Robin’s 20 year passion for accelerating self improvement through technology. On GoalTribe’s blog, Robin explores life changing ideas colored by stories from his around-the-world travels through 38 countries.

If you are a new blogger, a wannabe blogger or a blogger that would like a bit more traffic, you may want to head over to PluginID. Glen has written an ebook called The Blogging Blueprint. It’s free, it’s brilliant and you can download it without even handing over your precious e-mail details. What could be better than that I ask you?

Finally I want to share with you the funniest testimonial anybody has ever sent me. I got it yesterday from Guy who runs My One Piece of Advice and I laughed my ass off. Shameless self-promotion I know, but whatchya gonna do?

“Thanks to Tim I am now a millionaire, own 2 yachts, sleep with supermodels and have been on the cover of Time magazine. Or not.  But if those were my life goals I think Tim might just be the person to get me there.

Tim rationalises my irrationalities, tames my fears  and reframes the shit out everything.  He’s that good I hope to actually pay him what I owe him sometime!  Though he will probably just waste the money on getting American quality teeth to satisfy his visa conditions.”

Hypnosis is a very common state and you drift in and out of it many times per day.

Are you shocked? Did you imagine hypnotic states were something associated with men in black capes waving pocket watches around, whilst telling their clients they were under their spell and to stop smoking immediately, or risk being made to cluck like a chicken for the rest of their life?

Have you ever driven for a period of time and suddenly realized you can’t remember passing through the previous town or even how you got to be where you were?

What about being so engrossed in an activity that you lost all track of time? I don’t mean you think you have been doing whatever it is for twenty minutes and it turns out to be thirty, but you ‘lose’ two or even three hours?

Ask a kid that plays video games if they have ever done that? I can guarantee the answer will be yes.

That is hypnosis, or the trance state as it is also called.

People often talk about trance being an altered state of consciousness, and in many respects it is. However, meditating alters your state of consciousness as does being sleep deprived and drinking vast quantities of alcohol.

Therefore, I’m not sure how useful expressions like ‘altered state of consciousness’ are when they have some people imagining grinning hippies in loin cloths, dancing in slow motion to Jethro Tull at the Burning Man Festival.

I am going to ask you a few questions and see if you know the answers. Don’t peek down below and spoil the fun, see how much you know about hypnosis or whether you are wrapped up in some of the myths. I will then answer each one in turn

1. There is a danger that if a fire broke out or a real emergency whilst hypnotized, the subject would be unable to respond
2. Hypnotherapists can get you to tell them intimate details about yourself and do things against your will
3. Hypnosis has been used to preform major surgery without anesthesia
4. People have stayed stuck in hypnosis for long periods of time
5. Really intelligent people can’t be hypnotized
6. Good hypnotherapists can hypnotize anybody
7. Good hypnotherapists can hypnotize some people against their will
8. You have only been in a deep trance if you can’t remember what happened
9. Hypnotherapy can make quit smoking overnight
10. Brownson has used hypnotic language patterns in this post and I now feel compelled to hire him, or at least send him a large sack of cash.

1. There is a danger that if a fire broke out or a genuine emergency whilst hypnotized, the subject would be unable to respond:

Think about those occasions when you slipped into a trance whilst you were driving. Can you remember a time when you had to break hard or swerve for some reason? My guess is, if you can, you were somewhat shaken up and a bit confused about what happened, but you still dealt with it perfectly adequately even if you didn’t know how.

Even when you have shifted into a state where you conscious mind is not quite where you think it is, your unconscious mind is still very much on the case. If somebody were to shout ‘Fire!” whilst you were in a trance you would immediately return to a fully alert waking state.

2. Hypnotherapists can get you to tell them intimate details about yourself and do things against your will:

It’s an interesting concept and one that I’m sure would have produced some fascinating books from unscrupulous types, but it’s simply not true.

People will often back up this belief by pointing to stage hypnotists. The people that volunteer to go up on stage at such events are the kind of people that can’t wait to strip naked and jump into the local fountain after half a dozen tequilas. They are extroverts waiting to happen.

3. Hypnosis has been used to preform major surgery without anesthesia:

This is actually true. During World War One when anesthesia was often unavailable, numerous surgeries including amputations were undertaken using hypnosis. Nobody is quite sure if the patient doesn’t feel the pain, or whether the pain isn’t actually created in the first place. Either way, it is a better alternative than half a bottle of scotch and a piece of wood to bite on.

On a lesser scale, I have a friend that had four impacted wisdom teeth removed using hypnosis (they probably used some pliers too, but you know what I mean). Not only did he not feel pain, he also hardly bled.

4. People have stayed stuck in hypnosis for long periods of time:

There is only one recorded case of a person getting ‘stuck’ in hypnosis and it is this guy.

5. Hypnotherapy can make you quit smoking overnight:

It cannot make you do anything. If the will is there, hypnosis can be a very useful tool in helping smoking cessation. However, the desire and belief of the client is necessary. Also, it may work in one session for one client and take ten or more for another, depending on their abilities as a hypnotic subject.

6. Good hypnotherapists can hypnotize anybody

That is only true is the subject wants to be hypnotized. If somebody fights the process then it doesn’t matter how good the therapist is, it simply won’t work.

7. Good hypnotherapists can hypnotize some people against their will:

This is true. Bwahahahaha. Ok that’s a bit of a fib, it’s not totally true. Indeed some people can be influenced by unethical practitioners of hypnotic language and NLP, but it is doubtful they can be sent into a deep trance without wanting to. Doubtful, but probably not impossible under extreme conditions.

Again there is probably about a third of the population that can be influenced like this and it has to be said the practitioner has to be exceptionally good. The person coming off the seven day training course is much more likely to make a jackass of themselves stumbling over the words.

8. You have only been in a deep trance if you can’t remember what happened:

This is untrue. Having said that, it is very common for people to develop hypnosis amnesia. The work in (good) hypnotherapy is done with the unconscious mind and therefore the conscious mind is often busy doing other stuff and may not be noticing what is going on.

9. Really intelligent people can’t be hypnotized:

The ability to be hypnotized has nothing to do with intelligence. Really intelligent people are as susceptible to trance as anybody else. About a third of people are naturally very good at entering a trance state, but for those that aren’t, it can be taught. Probably the greatest hypnotherapist of all time, Milton H Erickson, spent as long as 400 hours teaching some people how to enter deep trance and subsequently got some astounding results.

10. Brownson has used hypnotic language patterns in this post and I now feel compelled to hire him or at least send him a large sack of cash:

This is true. You can e-mail me the cash or hire me by clicking here. I am full through early July, but you don’t mind that at all because you just want the best and you are prepared to wait as long as it takes.

Great hypnotherapists like my friend Michael Watson are brilliant story tellers and experts at getting to the unconscious mind and eliciting change with metaphors and advanced language. Unfortunately there are a lot of people running around waving three day certification certificates and claiming to be hypnotherapists. They’re not.

Hypnotherapy is a really cool tool and can help a lot of people. Like NLP, it’s not a cure all and it can’t do everything, but under certain situations (smoking, weight loss, changing habits, pain control etc) it is the most sensible route for many people. And best of all, it carries zero danger and I would throughly recommend you try it out even if it’s only for the experience.

So no fibbing, how many did you get right?

If you have any other questions about hypnotherapy, drop them in the comment area and I’ll do my best to answer.

If you want to write for The Discomfort Zone, click here.

By the way, if you live in the Orlando area and would like to learn hypnosis. Click here. I do NOT stand to make any money if you do sign up, but I do highly recommend this course over several weekends. In fact I did it myself a couple of years ago.

So I wanted a counter argument to the post ‘Is The Law of Attraction A Con?”. The fact is, I’m not at all anti-Law of Attraction, I just haven’t read or heard an explanation that makes any sense to me.

I have seen a lot of film of Esther Hicks performing and also read ‘Ask and it is Given.’ I have also read a lot of Wayne Dyer material (whom I love by the way), so I’m not closed off to this by any means. The problem to me, is that I’ve never seen Esther Hicks in particular do ANYTHING that couldn’t be explained by cold reading, group hysteria and wishful thinking. Not that I’m saying it IS those things you understand, but they do explain it.

Disappointingly only one person contacted me. Maybe all the other believers were too busy attracting massive, glorious abundance to waste time on, or even notice, the likes of me. Flippancy aside, I must say I’m disappointed because I really expected some cool posts that would get me thinking.

What I did get though was an excellent post from Barb McMahon that definitely achieved that.

However, if I was the Law of Attraction and I was up on a charge of being ‘A very naughty law that wasn’t really a law at all’ and staring 25 years hard labor in the face, I’m not sure I’d want Barb defending me.

If she’d been defending OJ she’s have probably dropped the line to the jury of: “If the glove doesn’t fit you must acquit” in favor of the rather more honest “If the glove doesn’t fit he’s still a lousy shit”

You can make your own mind up as to whether you think she makes the case for the Law of Attraction to at least make bail and be home in time for dinner.

Law of Attraction – Positive Life Force or Giant Load of Crap?

Tim set the challenge of writing a guest post on Law of Attraction.  And I just love a challenge!  So thanks, Tim, for giving me the opportunity to sort out just what I believe about this weird Law of Attraction, that I can’t seem to fully embrace or completely dismiss.

After careful thought, I’ve had to ask myself, do I actually believe in the Law of Attraction?

I believe the theory has its merits and in the right hands and the right circumstances it can do some amazing things.  Sort of.

This is as enthusiastic an endorsement as I’ll give to anything.  I’d do the same mutter and foot shuffle if you asked how I felt about marriage and I’ve been happily married for 26 years now.

I think there’s enough to the Law of Attraction that I can’t entirely dismiss it.  I’ve had moments of being open to and accepting the good things life has to offer.  And in those moments, they really do seem to drop into my lap.

And we all know the people who walk through life with a permanent cloud over their heads.  Every time you talk to them, something awful has happened.  Their car’s been stolen, the roof caved in, they’re being wrongfully sued.  Crazy bad weird things.

I can’t help but wonder why is that?

Does the good or bad stuff just manifest out of nothing, drawn by the power of your thoughts alone?  Can 228 passengers attract a plane crash just by worrying about it?

Um.  No.  I really don’t think so.

It’s a big old world out there and on any given day, you are bombarded by things both good and bad.  Opportunities and disasters surround you at all times, vying for your attention.

Human beings have an amazing capacity for ignoring the things that don’t need our immediate attention.  The bad smells from fish farm down the road, the power lines running right through the beautiful view.  The effort it takes to haul our extra ten pounds of body fat around all day.  All of these eventually become part of the background of our lives, no longer noticed because we’ve decided they aren’t important.

You learn to filter it out, to focus on what matters the most to you.  It’s either that or go through life too distracted to do anything.

And depending on who we are or what we’ve learned in this life, we filter out either the opportunities or the disasters and either believe that life is a great and joyful thing or it’s total crap.

Neither view is the truth.  It’s just our accepted reality.

Law of Attraction, with its upbeat message of being happy and being abundant, helps you to filter out some of the bad things you’ve been focussing on.  And then, “magically” the good stuff appears.

When you take a close look at your friend with the cloud over his head, you realize that what never gets told in the story of constant disaster, is the fact that he’s got a couple of really great kids, a secure job and parents who have helped him out repeatedly through the years.

Paying attention to that might not fix his roof, but he’d be a happier person.

And really, isn’t that what we all want?  To be happier?  Most of the proponents of Law of Attraction tell you not to worry about the details of how it will happen or what your life will look like when you get to “Happy”.  They say to just focus on the feeling of being happy and it will come to you.

They’re right, of course.  It comes to you, not because your circumstances have changed, but because you’ve reordered how you see the things around you.  You’ve started to give more weight to the things that make you happy and less to the things that bug you.

The same thing happens when you go looking for new opportunities.  I bump into new, exciting opportunities every damn day.  Because I know I’m surrounded by them.  I don’t filter them out.

But I know and you know people who do filter them out.  I’ve stood back and watched as Opportunity not only knocked for someone, but actually came up and clobbered them over the head and they didn’t see it for what it was.  So they walked away, leaving the two of us, my friend Opportunity and me, shaking our heads.

These are people desperate for a new chance.  They think “All I need is a break.”  But they can’t see the breaks for what they are.  They come up with all kinds of excuses, reasons why they can’t take the opportunities that are being handed to them.  They reject opportunity.

We’re all looking for a better life.  I don’t believe that there’s a magical way to get there.  I do believe that a kind of magic happens when you start to see the good stuff that’s all around you, whether you think it just appeared, or if you believe that it’s been there all along.

Some people can get to where they want to be just by deciding to change their filters.  Some by counting their blessings and some by looking at the world through the Law of Attraction.

I say, on the road to Happy, choose the conveyance that gets you there the fastest.

Having explored the furthest reaches of her ineptness in the small business sector for fifteen years, Barb McMahon is sharing her gifts and hard-won knowledge as Director of Communications for the non-profit Pediatric AIDS Canada.

In her spare time she blogs at Basically Unemployable where she comments on life in all it’s weirdness and wonder.

You may notice I have a re-designed banner courtesy of the multi-talented Nick Cernis at Goburo complete with shiny new tag line. I hope you like and and think it reflects the feel of the site. Feedback welcome. I have also added some affiliate links to the sidebar. Please be aware I will never advertise any products that I have not tried myself and I’m not 100% sure will add value to your life.

You have until tomorrow (Friday 12th) to grab yourself a copy of Don’t Ask Stupid Questions at the crazy low never, and I mean never, no seriously never, I’m not fooling about here you know, to be repeated price of $5.99. Hardback or ebook available.

If you want to guest for The Discomfort Zone and reach about 3,000 people, here are the criteria:

“What would you do, if you knew you couldn’t fail?’

This question is to life coaches what ‘Have you cleaned your room” is to parenting. “Coach what do you plan on doing in the second half to pull back the 30 point deficit?” is to unimaginative sports journalists. And “Can the Honorable Member explain why his moat needed cleaning at the tax payers expense?” is to UK politicians.

On the surface “What would you do, if you knew you couldn’t fail?’ seems like an excellent question. It reminds me of the sales question “If money weren’t an issue, would you purchase the product or service?”

That question is designed to isolate the objection. If you know money is the ONLY obstacle to securing a sale, then you can deal with that objection without the concern of another one popping up further down the road and taking its place.

Similarly, with asking  “What would you do, if you knew you couldn’t fail?’ you are isolating the fear of failure so that you can deal with that issue. The only downside to that, is fear is so huge to most people I’m not sure how useful it is to isolate it.

It’s a bit like a Ferrari sales person using the money question on me. ” Yeh for sure I’d buy, but how are you going to overcome the disparity between the cash I have (about 150 bucks)  and the cash you need off me (about $150k)?

The reason I have some misgivings about asking “What would you do, if you knew you couldn’t fail?’ with regard to self development is because the sentence contains the embedded command of failure.

The unconscious mind doesn’t do at all well with negative words. That’s why it’s best to make sure goals are in the positive. “I want to achieve a target weight of 150lbs” is a better goal than “I don’t want to look like a Hippo anymore”.

I’m not sure of the value of even talking about failure in most cases. The reason being, is that it immediately focuses the mind on the wrong thing. It also raises the specter of failure with somebody that may not have even considered it.

What if we asked this instead?

“What would you do, if you knew you would definitely succeed?’

That seems a far more empowering question to me, a question that allows you to move forward in time and imagine success. You can step into the feeling of success by further asking “What would that look, sound, feel, taste and smell like to me?

This question is similar to the one I spoke about in the last post on avoiding getting ripped off when sales people try and get you to ‘own’ the product before you’ve bought it. This is significantly more useful though because it’s getting you to own a feeling of success and increase your desire and thus (hopefully) motivation rather than a new kitchen or car.

Admittedly, it doesn’t  isolate the problem of fear as well and I guess in some cases that can be useful, but I do think it’s an excellent alternative for some people.

I just wanted to throw that idea ‘out there’ for you because the real point of this post was to tell you about some brilliant books I’ve recently read.

These aren’t book reviews per se because I get bored writing such stuff. Instead they are recommendations with a brief reason of why I like the book in question and the value it may add to you. The links are affiliate links. I don’t usually do that, but I had a number of people tell me after the Bodhipaksa interview that I should, so I have!

Let me say firstly, that Don’t Ask Stupid Questions’ with a recommended retail of $19.99 is only going to be available until this Friday 12th at the current price of $5.99 for hardback and the e-book. Ponder no more and join the wise souls that have already bought a copy today!  Go on gorgeous, you know you want to ;-)

‘How We Decide’ by Jonah Lehrer

This is the best book I have read this year and probably the best I have read since Malcolm Gladwell’s ‘Blink’. It is similar to ‘Blink’ in so much as it takes a look at rapid cognition, but it goes a whole lot deeper.

‘How We Decide’ not only explains what is going on inside the brain as we make decisions and why we are sometimes so poor, but it does so in a manner that is accessible and interesting to the lay person. You won’t get lost in academic jargon because what there is, is explained clearly and concisely.

Lehrer brilliantly uses real life examples of famous ‘blow ups’ and successes to explain what was actually happening inside the mind of the person at that time. Occasionally his facts are a bit off, referring to Vince Young as a top flight Quarterback in the NFL when he has been a bust, and saying Jean Van De Velde lost the British Open on the eighteenth hole, when in reality his total collapse meant a play-off he then lost, but these are minor quibbles.

‘How We Decide’ will help you understand your thought processes better, realize when to let your unconscious make decisions and when it’s best to use your conscious rational mind. It even explains why so many people get caught up in credit card debt and others are prone to become addicts.

If you liked ‘Blink’ or ‘Stumbling on Happiness, you’ll love ‘How We Decide’ and you’ll also really enjoy….

‘Predictably Irrational’ by Dan Ariely

Most people presume they are a rational person making decisions in life based on cold hard facts. The fact is everybody is irrational and we all make decisions often in spite of contradictory facts and evidence.

As a sales person I have intuitively known people are irrational for years, but I never realized that irrationality was so predictable and so exploited by advertisers and marketers.

‘Predictably Irrational’ explains why we procrastinate, why we like to leave our options open, often to our own detriment,  the power of free, why people are dishonesty and the real cost to Society, the power of beliefs and the difference between social and market norms.

Some of the stories I have read or heard about before, but as a Professor of Behavioral Economics at MIT, there is a lot of his own work included that was new to me. The way he weaves it all together makes this a highly enjoyable and incredibly enlightening read. This is a great companion book to ‘How We Decide’ and equally as accessible.

If you want to know more about what makes you and others tick and be even more aware of how the less scrupulous sometimes use that knowledge to sell to you, then this is the book for you.

‘A Life Worth Living’ by William F Giruzzi

I really am struggling to know what to say about this quirky little book. You could read it under 2 hours, so if I tell you it took me a week and a half to get half way through it you’ll know I was less than gripped. I wasn’t even sure why I was sticking with it other than a sense it was going to be worth it. I have a bookshelf littered with books I quit on when they didn’t seem to be offering any value. This almost made it onto my shelf of dishonor.

Fortunately I stuck with ‘A Life Worth Living’ and I say fortunately, because it is definitely a book worth reading. I almost think it could be subtitled ‘Zen And The Art Of Life Design’ because it has that kind of feel to me. Having said that, is has nothing overtly to do with Zen Buddhism and everything to do with getting the reader to think completely differently about his or her own life.

The author even uses a cunning plan of asking the reader questions at the end of each chapter to promote further thought. Hmm, where have I seen that done before I wonder?

I really don’t want to say too much because I could sum it up and make it less worthy of reading and that’s like telling you Bruce Willis is really dead as I hand you a DVD of ‘The Sixth Sense’

Giruzzi uses a lot of repetition to get his message across, but I think that is important, because he certainly doesn’t leave the reader in any doubt as to what they need to do to make themselves ‘A Life Worth Living’ . And no, this isn’t a ‘how to’ book, in fact far from it, but it is a paradigm shifter and one that I guarantee will offer you insights into your life that you never considered. Highly recommended.

This is no sales gimmick. I genuinely do only have 1 place left for my 50% down and 50% pay when you want to offer for bloggers and solopreneurs for July. I may run this again in August if I have the time, but I may also be too wrapped up in the launch of ‘How To Be Rich and Happy’ to be able to.

I almost forgot. I did an interview with Chris at Purpose Power Coaching last week. If you want to check it out, here is the link.

However, when I sat down to work out the cost of the training itself which was very reasonable, 6 nights hotel accommodation and the time I’d need to take off work, I realized it was going to be nudging the $5k mark.

Did I want it that badly I wondered?

The honest answer is probably not, because I let the early bird discount expire and did nothing about it for several weeks. Then a few nights ago I happened to mention to Duffy a friend on Twitter that I was still considering it and asked if he’d be attending. Then he hit me with the bombshell; it was sold out!

What?? Sold out?? But I hadn’t made my mind up yet, that wasn’t fair because I did really want to go, honest I did. In fact I couldn’t remember wanting something so badly since that time I got stuck on a two hour bus ride sans bathroom after drinking 6 pints of beer. I’d known from the very moment I’d heard about it, it was my must do thing for this decade.

I immediately logged on to the site to see that it was indeed sold out, and thank heavens, there was a life line. I was informed there was a good possibility they would be releasing a few more precious places this week to the chosen few and if I wanted  to sign up to the waiting list and hand over $250 deposit, they would contact me soon.

I cyber-rummaged for my PayPal login details and eagerly clicked through to the payment page. I was about to hand over a chunk of my hard earned when I stopped dead in my tracks.

What the hell was I doing?

I was about to commit all that money as well as leaving my wife with two dogs to cope with for a week, on the basis of what? Half an hour previously I wasn’t even sure I wanted to do the training. Or at the very least, want to do it at that cost. What had happened in the meantime?

That ladies and gentlemen is what we call loss aversion.

Loss aversion is an incredibly powerful force and can make us act completely irrationally. The brain hates the signals it gets when it loses out. That is why the majority of gamblers continue to gamble when they are losing. The pain of losing is worse than the pleasure of winning, which usually results in ‘chasing losses’ and a rapid downward spiral.

I didn’t almost sign up because I desperately wanted to do the training. I nearly signed up because my brain was screaming “Don’t lose out, I’ll hate you if you lose out you losing loser from Loserville!” Ok, maybe it wasn’t actually saying that, but it was sending some signals that made me think it meant that.

Have you ever visited one of those ugly long letter sales pages so beloved by many Internet marketers? You know the kind I mean, it takes you about 9 hours to read all the text. And by the time you get to the bottom you’ve gone temporarily blind after looking at all the yellow highlighter, tick marks and stupid cut out boxes that you can’t cut out .

Not only that, but you’re almost throwing up after looking at all the fake smiles and dodgy hairdos from the people from the 80’s offering testimonials and you’re wondering what you’ll do with the $219,768 worth of free product they are going to give you?

Have you ever wondered why the price of the product is always kept back until the very bottom? And more importantly, why they insist on telling you how much the product is ‘really’ worth (usually at least 37 times) prior to telling you how much they are actually going to take from you?

Then when you do finally find your way to the bottom of the page and realize that ebook on ‘How To Sell Ebooks To People About Selling Ebooks To People Who Want To Sell Ebooks’ wasn’t $147 after all, it was only $47.

Phew, better get it bought before they realize they’re giving this stuff away and put it back up to the ‘normal’ price.

That ladies and gentlemen is what we call anchoring.

Anchoring in all its guises is well known by marketers and as such it is used with sickening regularity. I’m sure as you read this you can think of many examples. The ticket price on a car, the brochure price on a Caribbean Cruise and the ‘Previously sold at’ stickers on clothing in Outlet Malls.

There is a reason sales companies use anchoring and simply put, it’s because it works. They aren’t really expecting people to pay full price (that is just an occasional unintended bonus), but they do want to condition their customers to believe the original price is the real value and they’re about to secure the bargain of a life time.

It’s all about looking clever. We all like to look clever, and the companies selling to us want to help install that belief. Not only does it reduce the likelihood of buyers remorse, but we are then much more inclined to tell the world how clever we and how cool we look in your Elvis in Vegas costume you just purchased on eBay for a mere $9k when it’s really worth double that.

It’s the fine art of manipulation.

Having said that, if they convince you to buy a product or service that makes a huge positive difference in your life, are their tactics retrospectively, justifiable or at least acceptable? If I think I am a great Life Coach that can help people change their lives for the better (and I have to be honest and say I do), isn’t it my duty to demonstrate that confidence and do what I can to get people to hire me?

I guess that is a philosophical question for another day.

I think I need to make something clear before I continue. My book ‘Don’t Ask Stupid Questions – There Are No Stupid Questions’  is worth $197 and I only have 3 left!!!

I’ve had three conversations recently with people asking me whether online products related to Life Coaching were worth it and whether they should buy them or not?

There are lots of good courses and ebooks on the Internet and there are a lot more of dubious or no value in my experience.

Sellers will try many things to get you to buy. As well as the incredibly powerful methods above that almost all people fall victim to at some time or other both on and offline, there are other strategies.

There is the approach of pitching your product so high that peoples perceived value rises inline with your charges. If I charged $500 an hour for Life Coaching some people would want to hire me just because I charged that much. Their due diligence would go out of the window and they’d be thinking

“Wow this Tim Brownson charges 500 bucks an hour, he must be the bestest Life Coach in the whole wide world!”

The bizarre thing is because the client has invested in the belief so heavily both financially and emotionally they may indeed get better results. So if that is the case, is it still unethical? It’s a tough question and I’ll leave you to make your own mind up.

Then there is social proof and our innate desire to base our decisions on what other people are doing. Just visit the Apple store when the next version of the iPhone is released or maybe check the follower count of some of the ‘Superstars of Twitter’ to get an idea of social proof in action. It’s the everybody is doing it so it must be the right thing to do approach.

The thing is that some of these methods (and of course there are more) are used by ethical as well as unethical companies. In fact it is almost a prerequisite.  I don’t see the people I mentioned that are running the NLP training as unethical and trying to rip me off, far from it. I see them as maybe using some fancy pants sales techniques to fill their courses and I have no issue with that.

If you are trying to sell something online and you don’t utilize any of the above you’re probably going to get buried, as I have found out to my own cost on more than one occasion.

If you want to make less informed decisions and salivate at the thought of signing up for an online course telling you how to sign up for online courses, buy an ebook on The Secret Behind The Secrets Secret or donating money to somebody that earns ten times the money you do then there are some guidelines you can follow, here’s some pointers to help you on your way.

Firstly, understand that EVERYBODY is influenced by the sales techniques I have mentioned, even experts in the field. If you think you’re not, then you’re even more likely to get burned.

1. Ignore the free product. It’s usually (although to be fair, not always) crap, and more importantly, you probably won’t utilize it.
2. If you land on a sales page by accident, back out immediately. If you don’t, prepare yourself and your wallet for an impulse buy.
3. If you are looking to buy a product or service, decide what it’s worth to you before you go to the sales page and then don’t go higher than that price. Understand what the return on investment is for you.
4. If you land on a long letter sales page with a view to buy, scroll to the bottom immediately and check the real cost. Then leave and think about it before you return to read the copy.
5. Don’t listen to sales people or read sales copy that asks you to imagine using their product otherwise you’ll own it (in your mind) before you have even handed your credit card over.
6. Ignore what everybody else is doing because it’s doubtful they’ll be sending you the money to cover your costs when you sign up to a 12 month subscription for 101 Things To Do With Your iPhone (102 of you actually make phone calls with it) .
7. If its a large investment, do your due diligence and don’t rush into it, even if there is only one place left or one hour to purchase this offer of a life time! Risk your life becoming a meaningless sham and hold off.
8. Don’t be afraid to ask for your money back if you are unhappy after purchasing. People (me included with my books) offer money back guarantees because they know most people can’t be bothered to exercise this option.
9. Cool off. If you are out shopping just to look. Leave your cards and ID at home. If you’re at home and a tad on the compulsive side, freeze them in a block of ice. A bit drastic I know, but it does work.
10. Ask a friend that isn’t emtionally invested in the purchase what they think. Don’t offer an opinion, just give them the bare facts and then take onboard what they say.
11. Finally, if  you get great service and love what you bought, offer testimonials, tell others and spread the word.

Of course I was joking when I said ‘Don’t Ask Stupid Questions’ is worth $197. I have no idea what it is worth to you. You might think it’s crap or you might think it’s a bargain at $5.99. What I do know though, is that I’ll be putting it back to $14.99 for the hardback and $9.99 for the ebook at the end of this week.

Is that a cheap sales ploy to get you to buy my book? What do you think?

BTW, I have a guest post at the highly ethical purveyor of fine products Itty Biz  (and no I’m not joking) today. Check it out why dontcya?

Coming soon: How To Be Rich and Happy, a book that shows you how to be rich and happy. That must be worth more than your house!