Shortly after I moved to the US in early 2006 I bought a copy of the bestseller ‘The Why Cafe’ by John P Strelecky.

I forget now what question prompted me to e-mail the author, but e-mail him I did and asked for some feedback.

I was shocked when the reply came back within an hour suggesting we meet up for breakfast the following week.

I’d no idea that John lived literally less than 5 minutes down the road from me, he could have been anywhere on the planet for all I knew.

Life is weird like that sometimes, eh?

A couple of years later and I was playing golf with John when I asked him what his next book was going to be about. It’s going to be called ‘How To Be Rich and Happy‘ he announced with a big smile.

I stifled a chuckle because that sounded a little too grand for my tastes.

“Do you want to take a look at the publishers proposal and let me have your thoughts?” he asked me. “Sure” I responded thinking more of how I was going to get my ball out of the water than the book.

The following day John sent me the proposal and I ‘filed’ it to look at later, but never did. That is until we arranged to play again and I remembered saying I’d read it, so I frantically dug it out so I could offer the promised feedback.

I Asked The Question

I was blown away by the concept and immediately thought I could add a lot to it. When the topic came up on the round I told John I really liked it, but also that I thought I could make it better and we should write it together.

He agreed.

Earlier this week I went to Johns to pick up the hard copy versions of the books that have now published in Netherlands, France and Taiwan (Germany and China to follow) that our agent had sent.

We were talking about what to do next when John said, “You know, I get lots of e-mails and lots of people telling me how amazing it would be to write a book, but you are the only person that’s ever asked if you could co-author”

Even though we talk about the power of asking for help in How To Be Rich and Happy, it had never occurred to me that if I’d not asked John the book wouldn’t even exist as it is now.

If I had never e-mailed John and asked him a question we would never have become friends.

If John hadn’t asked me to read the proposal, we would never have co-authored it.

If I hadn’t asked John if I could co-author he wouldn’t have offered.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness (just the opposite) and it’s not impinging on somebody. I get loads of requests for help and time and sanity restraints mean I turn most down, but here’s the crux:

I don’t begrudge any of them because I have a choice. I’m a big boy and can say ‘no’ if something isn’t right for me.

So can the person who may be in a position to help you.

More importantly though, they can also say yes, but you’ll never know until you ask the question.

As Wayne Gretzski said:

 “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Some people stress about rejection as this point, but the fact is even if they say ‘no’ you are in exactly the same position as you were before.

Actually no, strike that you’re in a better position because:

1. You can move on and give somebody else the opportunity to say ‘yes’
2. You won’t be looking back in 20 years time thinking “Why was I such wuss?”

The Rich and Happy Sale

To celebrate the triple launch of How To Be Rich and Happy we’re slashing the price for a limited period.

The hard copy in English is currently only available on our site and retails for $25. As I’m sure you know all that money goes into printing copies of the book to give to good causes, John and I don’t take a penny out for ourselves.

Until February 14th (I know, we’re such romantics) you can grab it for just $10 plus shipping.

The PDF version sells for $19 and you can grab that for a measly $4, or a tad less than a venti soy latte from your favorite purveyor of fine ground beans.

All you need to do is go to the site, click on the button for the format you’d prefer and then enter coupon code “justask” and you get a great deal and help good causes to boot.

Woo-hoo baby!

Can You Help Me Please?

Ok so I told you to ask for help, and I’m practicing what I preach by asking for your help if I may be as so bold, and I may because it’s my blog.

• If you have read the book leave a comment for others that maybe haven’t and encourage them to grab a copy
• Tweet, Facebook, Google+ etc this post
• Tell people about the book
• Let us know if you know of any good causes that could benefit by receiving free copies of the book
• Go to Save Heidi and sign the petition to stop the outrageous culling of a dog that go too excited
• Send me a million dollars in used notes to my PO Box address

As I said at the end of my previous post The 7 Deadly Sins of Self Development’ today I want to tell you about some awesome self development training that is real worth checking out.

This is not just useful for Life Coaches or people working in therapy, but also for people that want to make significant change in their own life, but maybe don’t want to work one-on-one with a Life Coach.

If you were to ask me who would be the people I would most like to train with in the world of coaching and NLP, other than NLP Co-developers John Grinder and Richard Bandler, my list would look like this:

• Steve and Connierae Andreas
• David Gordon
• Andrew Austin

I’m not even sure if David Gordon does training these days, but I do know that Steve Andreas and Andy Austin (author of my all time favorite book on NLP, The Rainbow Machine)are teaming up again to offer an amazing workshop in Boulder, Colorado.

Metaphors Of Movement – Colorado (April 20-23)

Rather than me ramble on about how awesome metaphors are and how I use them all the time in my Life Coaching practice to help people change, why not just click the link and check it out for yourself.

I would absolutely kill* to go to that training, but as I have my sister coming to stay for 2 weeks in March and will be taking time off work to be with her, and as such I cannot make it.

The website says the early bird offer ends on 31st January for this and the Core Transformation, but I believe Connierae will extend it to Saturday if you say you booked through me.

Metaphors Of Movement – Washington DC (September 11-14)

On the other hand, Andy is running the same course sans Steve in Washington DC in September and I may have a shot at making that one if things go according to plan. And I think you know me well enough to know I wouldn’t spend money on training if I didn’t think it was throughly worthwhile.

Core Transformation – Colorado (March 2-4)

I was originally exposed to Core Transformation through reading the excellent book of the same same name by Connierae and Tamara Andreas. In 2010 I even did the training here in Orlando.

I can tell you it was amazing and I saw a bunch of people gain huge positive breakthroughs.

My only regret is that I took the training at time when I rushed off my feet with the launch of How To Be Rich and Happy and as such never took the time to integrate it fully into my practice.

I have even considered taking it again because I know it’s a great tool for making rapid and long lasting beneficial change.

Ridiculously short notice I know, but they do offer regular training for Core Transformation, so if you can’t make this one, you may be able to attend the next

You may be wondering if I stand to gain financially if you sign up with any of the programs above.

The answer is, maybe.

This is a trust thing and you have to tell the people you found them through me for them to pay me any commission. Therefore, if you want to do the training but don’t believe in affiliate marketing, don’t tell them!

I really have no issue with that and I’m only telling you because I know it will offer amazing value, so the choice is yours.

* I wouldn’t really kill to go. Well, nothing warm blooded and/or cute anyway.

Free Meditation Ebook

I’ve started on my ebook that will go free to my subscribers very soon.

So if that’s something you may be interested in and grabbing my in-depth goal setting book and the 50 Greatest Motivational Quotes too, then get signed up in the box on the left, or read more here!

I don’t suppose there really are any deadly sins with self development, I was being overly dramatic with the title.

But there certainly are areas where I see people make the same mistakes again and again and again, and you don’t have to be one of them

If that is, you avoid the following 7 self development deadly(ish) sins:

1: Thinking Being Hard On Yourself Is The Best Way Forward

I have been beating this drum so long I’ve had to have it re-skinned six times, but I shall never stop while there’s strength in my arms and some breath in my body, so let’s get it over with.

You simply cannot be the best person you can be by being hard on yourself 24/7.

I’ve never had a client tell me beating themselves up achieved anything other than feeling shit about life and hammering their self-esteem.

The usual refrain at this point is, “But if I go easy on myself I’ll never achieve anything”

Bollocks, bollocks, and thrice I say bollocks.

I’ll tell you what, let’s make a deal.

You go easy on yourself for a week, and if at the end of that period you feel worse about things, I’ll happily Tweet than I’m the worlds most incompetent Life Coach.

Treat yourself as you would a younger family (preferably one you like and no the brat of a nephew who picks his nose all the time and you could happily punch in the face) and demonstrate compassion and empathy.

Self-compassion is not self-indulgence, it’s not self-centered and it’s not selfish.

It is sensible, productive, and the right thing to do however. And the huge upside is, people who feel good about themselves are far more likely to be successful.

2: Thinking Stability And/Or Security Are Achievable

Working with clients through their values is the most important work I do (which is why I wrote (Aligning With Your Core Values) and it’s crucial that I understand what really, drives them from the ground up.

I see the values of ‘security’ and/or ‘stability’ regularly on the lists clients send me before we go through the process.

Even though I will leave them in for the purposes of the exercise I will always explain afterward that they aren’t really values.

And the reason they can’t be values is because they’re completely unattainable.

Rich people go bankrupt, healthy people get sick, successful businesses get shut down and good marriages go wrong.

Not only that, but we all die no matter how stable or secure we think we are.

I’m not saying be reckless and never plan for the future.

I am saying though, don’t chase security and stability because you won’t achieve them for anything but a fleeting moment in time.

All you will do is make dealing with negative situations like a job loss, marriage break down or serious silliness harder when they do arrive.

It is possible to be secure and stable in the fact that you can never be secure and stable.

Amazingly enough meditation will help you on that front, so check it out.

3: Thinking There’s Something Wrong With You If You Don’t Know What Your Goals In Life Are

If I read one more time on a self development blog or hear from one more Life Coach that everybody should know what their big goals in life are and what they are passionate about I may well just put a gun to my head.

Or better still, their head.

At least half of my clients have no clue as to what they want out of life, they just know they want more.

And guess what?

That’s ok.

It’s my job to help them get clarity on what they want, not sit back and refuse to work with people that aren’t half way there.

The reason I give away a comprehensive book on goal setting to people who subscribe to my newsletter, is because goal setting is easy.

I can teach you how to set goals in half an hour and you really don’t need to hire a Life Coach to do so.

Knowing what goals to set is another matter altogether though, and that can often be the tricky part.

If you are feeling down on yourself because you don’t know what you want to do when you grow up, see sin #1 and chill.

Maybe you’re not meant to know yet, or maybe you just need some help?

The one thing I know for sure though is that there are hundreds of millions of people worldwide just like you, speaking of which….

4: Thinking You’re More Weird Than Everybody Else

On a fairly regular basis I see the, “You’re not going to believe this” look on a clients face.

It’s the look that tells me they think they’re about to tell me something that will have me scrambling for the straight jacket and pepper spray.

When (as is always the case) I don’t bat an eyelid, there is a moment of doubt that I heard them properly.

That’s followed by uncertainty about my mental state because I’m not looking a lot more concerned at their obvious confession of raging insanity.

And finally, they look relieved when I explain I’m not worried because I’ve heard it a hundred times before and they’re nothing like as nuts as they presumed they were, because they’re just a Human Being with Human being type issues.

You may well think you’re a bit weird and that your problems are a tad worse than others, but you’re almost certainly wrong.

We’re all a bit weird!

Of course I can’t say for sure you’re not beyond the pale, but I’m fairly sure. In 7 years of Life Coaching hundreds of clients I can only remember working with one client who genuinely had me thinking, “WTF!!! Please somebody help me”

5: Thinking Somebody Else Can Tell You How It Is For You

I’m a Life Coach and as such some people when they first contact me think it is my job to tell them what to do.

It isn’t.

My job is to ask great self development questions and help them to think about things differently so they can hopefully use that new perspective to make beneficial changes.

I’m really happy and grateful you read my blog, but please understand this. I don’t know now, and indeed never will know, exactly how it is for you.

I know how it is for me, and I can guess how it may be for you based on my experience in working with others, but that’s as far as I will ever go.

You have to make your own path in life.

Sure you can read, you can watch, you can gather advice from people who you respect and you can even hire a Life Coach if you’re a wise soul.

But, in the final analysis you have to take full responsibility (and see #1 if you think that means being tough on yourself) and decide what’s right for you.

And yes, before you ask, that does apply to this post. If it doesn’t resonate or make sense to you, then ignore it, and me for that matter.

6: Thinking That Next Thing Will Make You Happy

Do you exist in the 20% world like so many people?

People who believe 20% more money will make them happy. Or a 20% bigger house will finally allow them to be content. Or maybe even 20% more qualifications means they are smart enough.

You’re intelligent (don’t argue, see #1) and I’m going to presume you know that happiness comes from the inside out and not vice versa.

Research in positive psychology  suggests 10% of your happiness levels are dictated by your environment, 50% is genetic and 40% is your attitude.

Knowing that as you do, what would stop you fine-tuning your attitude to be happier (presuming you want to be happier that is) rather than busting your balls trying to change your environment.*

Do the math. An attitude adjustment is not only easier, it’s way more likely to be successful.

* Note: Even if you do change your environment unless it’s something serious like getting out of an abusive relationship hedonic adaptation will soon kick in and you will be back to square one wanting more.

7: Thinking You Have To Have All The Answers

Are you the kind of person that has to read one more book before you can start your own business, or attend one more workshop before you can start to implement the self development advice you already have?

You probably don’t.

Sometimes you just need to get up off your ass and do it. Sometimes you have to be relaxed knowing you don’t have all the answers and that you never will have. And I do mean never!

So there you have it. I’m sure there are lots more deadly sins and if you have some please let me know in the comments.

NLP Training

My next post is going to be purely and simply to advise you about some amazing training that is coming up soon in Colorado and Washington DC.

Even though it’s NLP, it’s not just for coaches and people who work in the therapeutic fields. It’s also for people that take their own self development very seriously and it being conducted by some of the best trainers in the field of NLP.

If that’s not your kind of thing, feel free to ignore, but if you do want to read about some ground breaking training, then check back on Wednesday. And if you have no idea what NLP is, check out my post, NLP: Science Or Magic?

Useful Self Development Brain Stuff

1. You have a finite amount of will power each day because to exercise will power you need energy in the form of oxygen and glucose That’s why it’s harder to say ‘no’ when you are tired or not feeling yourself.

2. A thought is a physical pathway in the brain. The more you have that thought the more you groove that path and the easier it is to have it again. That’s why having the thought “Why do I suck?” is never a great idea.

3. Speaking of which, you have approximately 70,000 thoughts per day, although many will be the same ones looping round and round on your grooved cranial highway.

So make sure you don’t think, “Why do I suck?” 50,000 times a day, or suck ye shall.

4. Even if you consider yourself a left-brained person, your brain will still switch over to the right side every 90 to 120 minutes and then back again.

That’s why even left-brained people can have times of the day when they are more creative and right-brained people can sometimes get their taxes in order.

Note: If you want to know how you can tell which side is dominant at any one time, check out Creativity – Guaranteed and  you can then plan your time accordingly.

5. Reading out loud to kids accelerates their brain development.

6. Reframing negative events in a positive light literally rewires your brain and can make you a happier person, as can regular meditation.

Some Numbers To Wrap Your Brain Around

7. The brain is approximately 75% water, but you should never drink it.

8. Your brain only weighs about 3lbs yet the greedy bastard uses between 20% and 25% of your energy supplies each day.

9. There are approximately 10 to the power of 60 atoms in the universe. Your brain laughs in the face of that figure however, as it has 10 to the power of 1,000,000 different ways it can wire itself up.

That’s the number 10 followed up with 1 million zeroes, which is to all intents and purposes (for anybody not called Stephen Hawking or Rob Collins), an infinite amount of ways.

10. Speaking of large numbers, there are approximately 1.1 trillion cells and 100 billion neurons in the average human brain.

11. The slowest speed information passes around your brain is approximately 260 mph

Brain Trivia

12. Your brain was disproportionately large compared to other organs when you were born.

That’s why babies look a bit like aliens. Not yours of course, yours are cute, just other peoples babies.

13. If you lose blood flow to your brain you will last about 10 second before you pass out.

14. Your brain has no pain receptors which is why if I managed to remove the top of your skull without you noticing I could poke around all day without you feeling a thing. The skull removal may hurt a bit though.

15. Even though we say the amygdala regulates danger, the cerebellum motor control, and the limbic system emotions etc, this is somewhat misleading as no part operates independently and all need other parts of the brain to get their job done.

16. Your peripheral vision improves at night which is why pilots are taught to use their peripheral vision when looking for traffic.

Your Brain Is Amazing

17. Leaving aside degenerative brain disease, your brain never loses the ability to learn and change because it’s effectively plastic and constantly rewiring itself.

Leopards may indeed not change their spots, but you’re not a Leopard and you can change yourself and your brain is up for the challenge.

18. It ‘s a self development urban myth that we only use 10% of our brain. We use it all and if you don’t believe me cut a bit out and see what happens.

Note: Unfortunately the new movie, Limitless due out soon is going to re-embed this myth as it’s based on the story line that we use 20% of our brain and you can take a pill to access the other 80%. Ho-hum.

19. If you were to measure your brainwave activity you wouldn’t see any drop off when you’re asleep.

You may be napping, but your brain is still working hard pumping your heart, digesting your food, maintaining your blood pressure and much more to make sure you don’t wake up dead.

20. Research has shown that the hippocampus which which deals with visual-spatial awareness, is larger in London Taxi drivers than normal people. London ‘cabbies’ have to spend months, sometimes years, learning literally every street in the Capital before they are allowed a license.

This process is known as ‘The Knowledge’ and it literally enlarges that part of their brain. Unfortunately, it doesn’t help them with anger management issues when cyclists get in their way.

21. Until relatively recently scientists thought that the brain was the only area of the human body that didn’t generate new cells. We now know that’s not true and the brain does reproduce shiny new cells for you to use

22. You have something in your brain called mirror neurons. If you see somebody stub their toe for example, the same pain area will light up in your own brain causing you to flinch.

Mirror neurons weren’t even known to exist prior to the early 1990’s, but now there is a growing belief in the scientific community they are responsible for us feeling empathy toward others.

23. When somebody takes cocaine their pleasure center (nucleus accumbens) lights up and dopamine and serotonin are released. Fortunately, you don’t have to blow your life savings, act like a dick and lose your nasal lining to get similar results.

Giving to charity or helping people in need also activates the nucleus accumbens. What a win/win that is, eh?

Your Brain Is a Dumbass

24. Multi-tasking is a self development urban myth. You simply cannot do it efficiently no matter what manufacturers of smart phones want you to believe.

According to the University of Utah, there are a few people (about 2.5% of the population) who can do two things consciously* at once without seeing any degradation in performance.

They are called super-taskers.

However, for most people all the brain is doing is going backwards and forwards very quickly and giving the illusion of multi-tasking. The reality is performance is inhibited by this approach not improved.

* I do appreciate that you can do multiple things unconsciously at once such as driving and talking. (Not texting though!)

25. Your brain is constantly lying to you when you have your eyes open. Because it cannot deal with every single detail that you’re looking at, the occipital lobe is joining the dots with what it presumes is there.

26. Similarly, your brain doesn’t record memories like video as it would be easy to assume. It takes snapshots of the more important bits and then when you recall the event it guesses what happened in between based on prior experience.

27. Your brain finds it very easy to create false memories largely because of the above and the fact that it spends so much time guessing what’s happening.

When scientists exposed people to Photoshopped images of themselves at various event years prior they were soon able to explain what they were doing and recall the event with clarity even though they were never there.

There will be events you swear blind happened the way you remember, but never actually did. A sobering thought.

28. The reason why some Chinese born people struggle to pronounce words like ‘fried’ is not because they can’t be arsed to learn them, as I ignorantly and embarrassingly believed when I was younger.

It’s because no similar pronunciation is needed in the Chinese language.

Therefore, if they are not exposed to the English language before around the age of 3, that part of the brain is allocated to other purposes.

29. Your brain is fairly crap at distinguishing between what’s really happening and what you are merely imagining. Which is why horror films scare people and porn films, er…ahem, well you know.

30. The brain is very poor at concentrating for long periods of time and needs to clear it’s head so to speak about every 90 minutes or so.

Which is why if you’re delivering training and you want to maximize results, you should allow people to take lots of mini breaks rather than one long break for lunch.

I’d love your take. Anything surprising to you? Or do you have any amazing facts of your own? If so let me know in the comments.

If you want to know more about how your brain works I highly recommend the following books (al):

Buddhas Brain by Rick Hanson and Richard Mendius – When neuroscience meets Buddhism you get an amazing book like this and a must for anybody who want to know the science behind meditation

Your Brain At Work -by David Rock – I have been banging on about this awesome book since it came out. Mind blowing of you’ll excuse the pun.

The Brain That Changes Itself  by Norman Doidge – A brilliant introduction into neuroplasticity accessible to the layperson.

Quick Apology

I said I was changing over to a full feed of my blog in e-mail and RSS and I thought I had. But I just noticed it sent a snippet out, I can only presume I changed it, but didn’t save. Sorry and I have changed it again so hopefully next time it will pull the entire post.

In my previous post ‘What Is Meditation?’ I hopefully debunked some of the myths about meditating that may stop you from engaging in something that has been scientifically proven to improve health, cognitive function, happiness levels and even lengthen life.

I may not know you, but I’m pretty sure there’s nothing in the above list that you wouldn’t like more of.

Let me take things a stage further to show you how serious I am in my belief that everybody can benefit from a regular meditation practice.

If everybody on the planet was taught to meditate, and did so from an early age, I’m pretty sure I’d be out or work as a Life Coach because few people would have that sense of stuckness that I specialize in helping remove.

So it could be said that by encouraging you to meditate I may be losing a potential client. But I can live with that, because the sad reality is I know most people won’t bother, or will try it for a bit and then give up because it seems a bit like hard work.

I used to think that, but by pushing through the initial “this is ridiculous” phase I now look forward to my sessions and my goal for 2012 is not go a day without spending at least 20 minutes meditating, or sitting, as us cool kids call it.

I’m going to describe a few basic techniques but I encourage you to dig deeper. I also encourage you to play about with different techniques to find the one(s) that suit you best.

To Listen or Not To Listen That Is The Question

If you see pictures of Tibetan Monks meditating you don’t usually see them wearing headphones attached to an iPhone.

But you’re probably not a Tibetan Monk, so to begin within I’d suggest you enlist the help of meditation CD’s or downloads to make life easier.

Some people like to meditate to super chilled out music specifically written for the purpose. Whereas others prefer spoken guided meditations with voice only. And yet others like a combination of the two with a soothing voice backed by music.

My preference is dictated by my mood. Although voice only is probably the option I use most frequently I like all of them, as well as complete silence on the occasions I’m feeling brave.

When Should You Meditate?

Many people like to meditate first thing in the morning when they are most alert.

Quite honestly I’m not at my most alert first thing in the morning so I nearly always meditate in the afternoon or before going to bed.

Do what works for you because there is no hard and fast rule and there are no Meditation Police.

The Set Up

Setting up your session is important because you want to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible without the risk of nodding off.

Sitting cross legged and upright on the floor is the best option, but it’s ok to lie down or use a chair if you prefer.

Just try and keep your spine straight and don’t fidget.

The Breath Meditation

In my experience this is the meditation most people are familiar with and it’s also the one that has people qquitting most quickly because it’s just “too hard”

What happens is they sit down, focus on their breath, and then wonder where the hell all those thoughts just came from.

So they refocus on the breath and a load more thought appear as if by magic.

At this point they presume they’re mental and start to get agitated that they haven’t shut their mind off.

Short of a frontal lobotomy (not advisable), nobody shuts of their thoughts that quickly, it’s nigh on impossible.

As I said in the What Is Meditation?, I’ve been meditating for 5 years and if I go 10 seconds without a thought I’m metaphorically pumping the air with joy and often a conversation like this ensues in my head.

Me: Yesssss I just went at least 10 seconds without a single thought, woo-hoo!
Me: Wait a minute, that was a thought you bloody idiot. Damn.
Me: Ok, let’s reconnect
Me: Stop telling yourself to reconnect, that’s a thought, just do it.
Me: Ok, I will I’m doing it right this instant.
Me: Is that a birdie I can hear?
Me: Shut up, just shut up!
Me: No, you fucking shut up sunshine or I’ll give you a good hiding!
Me: Ok you make a good point

I’m not saying that’s normal per se, but it’s normal for me. As long as at some point I snap myself and reconnect with my breathing it’s ok and all part of the process. Remember it’s a PRACTICE.

Also, this is where guided meditations can be so useful because they remind you of what you’re doing and to keep reconnecting.

In essence, with a breath meditation you are literally shifting all your conscious awareness (or as much as you can) onto following your breathing and allowing your mind to calm down.

A very useful technique that Bodhipaksa uses on his brilliant CD called, amazingly enough, ‘Guided Meditations‘ to help ease you into the meditation is this:

Focus (not too intently) on an imaginary spot on a wall with your eyes open. Start to notice the whole expanse of your vision, especially the periphery. The more information you take in the more mental bandwidth you use up and the less there is for thinking.

Then using your sense of space and sound, start to imagine that you can see 360 degrees and see how your thinking quietens down.  As it does so slowly close your eyes and allow that concentration to move to your breathing

Another technique is this:

• Close your eyes and focus on your breath.
• Start to feel the rising and falling of your belly.
• Listen intently to any sounds without judging them or trying to make sense of them
• Feel your weight pushing down into the earth

At the point you have hit your ceiling for the amount of data you can deal with at a conscious level at any one time and your mind shuts up.

Of course once your attention drifts away from one or more of those things you can start to think again, but that’s no problem you just start all over again

The Metta Bhavana or Lovingkindness Meditation

The point of this meditation is to cultivate loving kindness which in turn will make you a a happier person guaranteed or your money back!

There are 5 stage to the Metta Bhavana or Lovingkindness Meditation and they are as follows:

• Lovingkindness to yourself
• Lovingkindness to a close friend
• Lovingkindness to somebody you know but have no opinion on
• Lovingkindness to somebody that you feel ill will toward
• Lovingkindness to all four people together

Once you are set up you visualize yourself looking well and happy and say something similar to the following

• May I be well
• May I be happy
• May I be free from suffering

You repeat that over and over and create a mantra like effect which quiets your mind and allows you to focus on giving lurve to your beautiful self because we both know you deserve it.

And if it makes you feel uncomfortable giving yourself love, tough.

That just means you need to do it even more. Suck it up!

You then spend a similar amount of time on the other stages seeing the people involved looking well and happy as you did yourself and saying may you be well etc

You may find that you struggle or resist giving love to somebody you actively dislike, but guess what?

Tough. That just means you need to do it even more. Suck it up!

The Walking Meditation

As far as I’m concerned we could have called this the shower meditation, the emptying the dishwasher meditation or the hoping round the house naked on one foot covered in syrup meditation because it’s all about being mindful.

• Go for a walk
• Don’t think about work
• Don’t think about home
• Don’t think about hiring a Life Coach (do really)
• Don’t think about why your colleague is an asshole
• Think about the walk
• Rinse and repeat

Be mindful with every step you take. Be in the moment, leave the past where it belongs in the past, and the future is none of your damn business so leave that alone too.

Easy enough? yeh right.

Note: The Bodhipaksa CD, Guided Meditations: For Calmness, Awareness, and Love covers all 3 of the above meditations (al)

The Chakra Meditation

According to Hindu tradition there are 7 main Chakras, or energy centers that run up the core of your body. They are from the bottom up:

1. Base Chakra (Red)
2. Pelvic or Sacral Chakra (Orange)
3. Solar Plexus Chakra (Yellow)
4. Heart Chakra (Green)
5. Throat Chakra (Pale Blue)
6. Third Eye Chakra (indigo)
7. Crown Chakra (Gold)

I have an awesome Deepak Chopra CD called Chakra Balancing that I use for this meditation.

It’s awesome because I love the backing music because it’s really trancey and Chopra does a brilliant job of explaining each stage.

This is a mantra meditation because you are repeating the Hindu name for each Chakra over and over whilst imagining the given color and focusing your attention on the particular part of the body related to the Chakra.

Which is a cunning way yet again to shut off Mr or Mrs Mind.

Got that? No I thought not, so maybe buy the CD and line my pockets with 50 cents worth of commission gold.

Just Sit

This is by some way the most difficult for me and it would seem other people.

A sitting meditation is just that, you merely sit, close your eyes and observe what happens in your environment without judgement for about 50 years or so.

I still struggle with this and that’s the reason why I don’t suggest anybody pitch headlong into this approach to begin with. However, you may love it, so check it out.

I had planned on also covering the Body Scan Meditation, but my guess is you probably can guess what that is without me blathering on any more.

There are lots of other types of meditation including Transcendental Meditation, Insight Meditation, Vipassana Meditation (which is mindfulness and very similar to some of the ones we have talked about) etc and I’m very confident there will be one that suits you.

If you have any questions I’ll do my best to answer in the comments and please feel free to offer any advice or tips of your own.

When I take on a new Life Coaching client the first thing I do is to send them my intake forms to fill in so I can gather some background information.

On one of the forms I ask them to rate their satisfaction levels out of 10 in 16 different areas of their life.

There’s good reason for doing this and it’s largely because, even though a client may come to me with one issue, there maybe other issues underpinning that, that they are unaware of.

One of the areas I ask about is that of meditation and it often provides fascinating conversation when we start working together.

And the reason it’s fascinating is because the conversation unlike any other topic I ever discuss, follows pretty much the same pattern with the majority of clients.

Me: You have 5 down for meditation, what prompted you to score it like that?
Client: (quizzical look) I’m not really sure what meditation is so I scored it in the middle.
Me: Would you be interested to know more if it could help you lower your stress, make you happier and improve your health?
Client: Probably, but the problem is I’m pretty sure I couldn’t do it.
Me: What makes you believe that?
Client: Well, I have brain that is going 1,000 miles per hour and never shuts up.
Me: I know exactly why that is.
Client: Really, why?
Me: It’s because you’re human.

You may think I’m being flippant, but really I’m not. If you could climb inside my head (and please don’t do it, it’s full to capacity), you would notice that my mind is going all the time too.

The human brain is wired and trained to chatter away to itself. Although your brain is only 3% of your body weight it uses, in the form of oxygen and glucose, about 25% of your energy supplies.

Even when you’re asleep that amount doesn’t drop measurably because your brain is still hard at work making sure your heart is pumping, blood  pressure being maintained, food being digested, new cells generated etc.

There are a number of common misconceptions with meditation, some of which I covered off in my rather tongue-in-cheek post, 7 Reasons To Avoid Meditation.

1. If you’re mind isn’t completely still you’re not meditating
2. It’s only really for sandal-wearing, tofu-eating, dolphin-hugging hippies like Life Coaches
3. You need to sit upright with your legs wrapped round each other like a contortionist
4. A nap or hypnosis is just as good as meditating
5. You need to do it for years before you see any benefit
6. Meditation is a spiritual practice
7. You need to do it for at least 30 minutes a day to see any benefit

I think it’s enough to say they’re all wrong on some level, but I do want to address the points one by one and therefore by ruling out what meditation isn’t, we get closer to what it is.

1. If you’re mind isn’t still you’re not meditating

I have been meditating for 5 years and I’m guessing in that time I have never managed to shut my thoughts off for more than 10 seconds in any one sitting. Pretty crap eh?

Apart from the fact that there are many different types of meditation, many of which require visualization and thus involving the mind, meditation is a PRACTICE.

What is meant by that, is that you pretty much never master it, you just do your best each time you sit.

I’m sure there are a handful of people that get close to mastery, but my guess is (I don’t know this for a fact) that even expert meditators think they can improve on their practice.

2. It’s only really for sandal-wearing, tofu eating dolphin-hugging hippies like Life Coaches*

I think this is the thing that puts so many people off and it’s total and utter bollocks.

If you knew how many successful CEO’s, sports people, celebrities and ‘ordinary’ people meditated you would probably be shocked. And not because it’s not many either.

A better and more accurate way of putting it would be;

 It’s only for people who want to be happier, healthier, more content and live longer.

3. You need to sit upright with your legs wrapped round each other like a contortionist.

I can’t get into the lotus position, or even close.

I also rarely meditate on the floor with my legs crossed. That’s because I have knee and back issues that usually mean the pain causes me to quit early.

So I meditate either lying down or in a chair.

It’s best to keep your spine straight, and it’s best to make sure you don’t nod off, but everything else is up for grabs which is why you can meditate walking and even in the shower if you like.

4. A nap or hypnosis is just as good as meditating

Sorry but no, lovely though naps are they will not rewire your brain.

Meditation can.

I am a trained hypnotherapist and it has a lot of uses, but it has a lot more limitations than meditation.

Hypnosis probably won’t make you happier or live longer (although I guess indirectly it can by helping you remove fears and change negative behaviors) and it won’t increase concentration levels or make you a kinder more content person.

The main difference between napping and hypnosis and meditation is the latter is an active process the former two, passive.

Meditation is something you do, not something you let happen to you.

Note: if you are interested in knowing more about the power of hypnosis I wrote a post called What Is Hypnosis?

5. You need to do it for years before you see any benefit

I’d say of all the clients that have adopted meditation whilst I have been working with them, about 80% have seen immediate or close to immediate benefits.

Even if that benefit is only feeling more chilled for an hour or two afterwards.

You can see benefits in lowering stress levels, increasing mood and improving concentration levels very quickly with meditation

However, the benefits are cumulative too, so the longer you do it the greater the return. A bit like working out.

6. Meditation is a spiritual practice

Of course it can be a spiritual practice and for many people it is,  but it doesn’t have to be.

You can just do it for the huge health and mood gains if you like, the choice is yours.

7. You need to do it for at least 30 minutes a day to see any benefit

5 minutes a day is better than nothing, so don’t stress that you don’t have time.

My meditation teacher, Bodhipaksa from Wildmind has even produced a CD of guided meditations called “Meditations For Busy People’ that are all around 10 minutes or less.

Check out his meditation store, and no, it’s not an affiliate link so I don’t stand to gain anything other than a very happy reader.

Ok, so I have said what meditation isn’t, but I haven’t really said what it is so let me take a layman’s stab at this and please feel free to disagree.

“Meditation is the acceptance of experience and the gentle effort to be continuously present with experience.”

And that line comes directly from Bodhipaksa when I was struggling to come up with a one line sound bite , I e-mailed him.

So thanks to him for bailing me out!

That’s why you can meditate walking, or lying, or even doing the dishes (more in my next post).

And the cool thing about the moment is it’s all you ever have, so if you’re not in it, you’re not really living to your fullest.

Not so mystical and/or scary now, is it?

In the next post I’m going to walk you through some basic meditations that you can try out without the need of a saffron robe or to shave your head, unless you insist.

Then the post after that I’m going to take a look at the human brain and give you some interesting facts to chew on, some of which will be meditation related and some not. So stick around!

I’m keen to know if you meditate and if not, what’s stopping you?

* I do hug dolphins on a daily basis, and I do own a pair of sandals, but I don’t eat tofu.

When I first started Life Coaching full time I used to spend a long time prepping my calls.

I’d read my client intake forms, check previous notes if applicable and then spend ages, often getting anxious, trying to come up with cunning Life Coaching questions.

I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say there were times when I probably spent longer prepping than the actual call itself took.

After a year or two of this approach it started to dawn on me from a Life Coaching standpoint it wasn’t at all effective.

I’d find myself guiding the call in the direction I wanted, rather than simply letting it flow in the direction it was meant to go.

Then one day I thought, “Fuck it, this is a waste of time and energy, you know what you’re doing, so just do it”

So I stepped outside my self imposed box and decided that other than reading notes from previous sessions to jog my memory and getting myself in the right mental state, I wasn’t going to prepare for calls.

The net result was I became an exponentially better Life Coach.

All of a sudden I was in the call not just on the call.

I started to trust that the ‘right’ question would come at the right time because I knew what I was doing.

And guess what? They usually did and still do.

Not always of course, but a high percentage of the time and way more than was previously the case.

I’m not saying that preparing is never necessary, of course it is. In fact it’s critical in some circumstances if we want to perform optimally and I did a lot of prep work for a workshop I gave last week.

However, it’s equally if not not more important, to allow your unconscious to take over when you’re underway without thinking it will screw things up unless it’s on a tight leash.

Especially with a profession like Life Coaching that’s inherently more reactive than proactive.

Sometimes I’ve no idea where my client questions come from and I’ll often start sessions clueless to which direction we’re going to head in.

But the difference is I now trust myself and it’s alright that I can’t predict or control the future because that’s not my job.

Even if your job requires that you prepare thoroughly, the important thing is that once you’re underway you start to trust yourself because that is when your best work will come.

You cannot get into the flow state if you’re second guessing yourself.

So the question is, are you trusting yourself enough?

Self Developments Greatest Books For Free

There’s still time to grab yourself almost $500 worth of free self development and audio books for free, by clicking the link above and telling me  in the comments the book that most influenced you in your life.

Self development books have had an amazingly positive effect on me and my life. I’m pretty sure without them I wouldn’t be a Professional Life Coach, or at least not a very effective one!

Since I started blogging back in 2006 I have written lots of reviews and more than a few list posts such as The Greatest Self Development Books Ever Written and The Best Self Development Books Of 2011.

On a couple of occasions I have given some of my books away, or like last year, let people bid on them for charity.

Today though I want to do something completely different.

Rather than just give away books that I’m either not that bothered about or simply know I’ll never read/listen to again, I want to give away some of the best self development books ever written.

If you would like the books and audios below that I roughly calculate to be worth close on $500, here’s what you have to do:

• Leave a comment recognizing just one book that has had the most positive influence on you in your life
• Yes I said one book. No bleating it’s too tough, I know it’s tough!
• Feel free to tell others why it was so important to you, but it’s not a necessity
• Then either tweet this post or link to your Facebook account ( I will be checking the winner has done this)
• Closing date is 9.00am EST on Monday 16th January when I will also close comments
• I will throw all the names into a random name generator to ascertain a winner
• The winner will be announced in the comments section, so it’s down to you to check back
• The books can be gifted, but are not to be resold

My only other stipulation is that you must either live in the US, or be prepared to pay shipping (which will be a fortune if you are overseas). I will pay media mail shipping within the US (not Canada).

By the way. h = hardback and p = paperback. The * means the book is a publishers uncorrected proof, i.e. a review copy and somewhat rare.

Even if you live outside the US or only read books on Kindle, I still hope you’ll share your most influential book in the comments.

I’m sure you’re wondering what classic goodies are on offer, so without further ado, here they are:

1. Mans Search For Meaning by Victor Frankl (h)

I had this at #1 in my list of all time greatest self development books.

Need I say more about such an absolute classic?

Required reading for anybody with a victim mindset or who thinks their life is tough.

2. Your Brain At Work by David Rock (h)

This was my number 2 of all time and also my favorite self development book of 2010 that wasn’t called How To Be Rich and Happy.

To be honest if I didn’t have the audio version also, I wouldn’t be letting this beauty go because I regularly dig back into it and it has inspired numerous posts.

If you are a Life Coach and haven’t read this book you’re selling yourself short.

3. 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey (p)

This actually made my list of most overrated self development books of all time.

However, that was probably a tad unfair (like I was with some of the other books in retrospect) and more a reflection that Covey could have delivered the ideas in about half the space than the quality of the advice.

If you have heard of the 4 quadrants, starting with the end in mind and sharpening the saw, then this is the book that all that good stuff came from.

4. The Brain That Changes Itself by Norman Doidge (p)

If you want to know why change is always possible and how you can facilitate it, this book will help you and it’s also an accessible read.

Made my top 20 self development books of all time and is the book that brought the expression “neurons that fire together, wire together” into the public domain.

Not for members of PETA or people with an unnatural love of monkey’s because some of the research it refers to makes for unpleasant reading.

5. The Four Hour Workweek – Tim Ferriss (audio)

I absolutely loved the first half of this book and was thinking it was a classic at that stage.

But then it seemed to hit a bit of a wall and Ferriss seemed to be resorting to padding it out to meet the publishers word count

Still worth a listen to though, especially if you fancy leaving corporate America and need a kick up the arse to do so.

This is the unabridged 7 x CD version.

6. Think And Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill (audio)

It could be argued that this book kicked off the self development industry and is without doubt one of the most influential ever written.

Some of the material sounds a little bit dated now, but it is still an amazing resource

This is another unabridged audio that runs to a mind blowing 12 x CDs including a workbook and cost me a bloody fortune!

7. Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff – Richard Carlson (p)

Another book that made my all-time top 20 and an outstandingly good read.

Simple wisdom that’s easy to read and implement. What more do you need to know?

Note: The layout for DSTSS inspired me with my first published book, Don’t Ask Stupid Questions so I may as well throw a copy of that in too.

8. Supercoach by Michael Neill (p)

If you want to hire me to be your Life Coach you will get plenty of change out of $1,000.

However, if you want to hire Michael Neill you’re probably going to need to take out a small mortgage.

This is the cheaper option and it’s also a very good book.

9. Awaken The Giant Within – Tony Robbins (p)

Probably the book that has had the most influence on me.

A tour de force of self development that repackaged NLP and delivered it to the masses.

Speaking of which…

10. The Rainbow Machine by Andy Austin (p)

In my opinion this is the greatest book on NLP ever written.

Austin is funny, highly intelligent and very, very, close to the edge a lot of the time.

Best read if possible with a little knowledge of NLP, but that’s ok because if you know nothing of NLP, you simply listen to this…

11. NLP: The New Technology of Achievement (audio)

This is the book (or in this case, the audio version) I have been recommending for years to people wanting to take a look at NLP because it is very easy to follow and understand.

This 6 x CD series cost me about $70 many years ago, but it was well worth it.

12. The Art Of Exceptional Living by Jim Rohn (audio)

The late great Jim Rohn was the man who Tony Robbins credits with inspiring him to get his shit together when unemployed, overweight and broke.

A 6 x CD audio program from Nightingale Conant of live material that demonstrates why so many people, me included, consider Jim Rohn to be the true Godfather of self development.

13. Life Is What You Make It by Peter Buffett (h)

One of the best self development books of 2011 and I have a tremendous amount of respect for Peter Buffet.

Buffett didn’t settle for a life living of his fathers name, rather he got off his arse and made his own name!

Apologies that there are some highlight marks and comments from yours truly.

14. Situations Matter by Sam Sommers (p)*

I only just finished this and it’s a brilliant book and will almost certainly make it into my top 3 books of 2012.

I’m sure Sam would want to kick my arse for saying it’s a self development book, but any book that helps me to think differently is self development as far as I’m concerned, so let the ass kicking commence!

Check out my interview with Sam Sommers to learn more.

Update: Sorry people I screwed up, I was reminded last night that I’d promised a friend that I’d give him my copy of Situations Matter by Sam Sommers.

Awkward dilemma time, so what I’ll do it stick to my promise to him, but I’ll replace it with Og Mandino’s The Greatest Salesman in the World which has already made the list as one persons favorite.

Hope that’s ok, and it is isn’t please e-mail me your complaint to idontgiveafuck@adaringadventure.com :-)

15. 168 Hours – Laura Vanderkam (h)

Did I ever tell you about the time a woman called me and when I answered said, “I’m looking for somebody that’s good at time management”

“Yeh so am I” I replied “Do you know anybody?

Needless to say she didn’t hire me.

Laura Vanderkam knows about time management and this is the best book on the subject I’ve ever read.

One of my best self development books of 2010 and if you want to know why a time management expert has 30,000 e-mails in her inbox, this book will tell you.

16. Uncertainty by Jonathan Fields (p)*

And yet another of my favorite books of 2011 from one of my favorite bloggers.

A must for entrepreneurs and solopreneurs with a splash of self development.

17. Drive by Daniel Pink (audio)

I thought that ‘A Whole New Mind’ by Dan Pink was the second most overrated and over-hyped book of the last 5 years.

‘Drive’ however is much, much, better.

I’m not sure that it’s paradigm shattering as the blurb on the back claims, but it is an interesting insight into what motivates people and how to tap into your own motivation more easily,

5 x CD unabridged version

18. Project Happily Ever After by Alisa Bowman (p)*

Another book that made my list of top self development books of 2011.

If you have a rocky relationship, this book can help.

19. Aligning With Your Core Values  by Tim Brownson

I couldn’t finish without throwing my own offerings into the pot including my latest book, Aligning With Your Core Values.

This retails for $35 and you get access to the PDF, the Kindle version, the audio book and all the forms.

So if you have been wondering what I’m incessantly wittering on about values since the dawn of time, now’s your chance to find out

20. How To Be Rich and Happy by Tim Brownson and John P Strelecky (p)

Recently published in France and Netherlands and soon to come out in China and Germany.

It really is quite good and I’ll even throw in a copy of Johns book ‘Life Safari’ in hardback

That’s your lot, and a very nice lot it is too.

Now it’s your turn to tell me the one book that has had the most positive influence on you, and no, it doesn’t have to be a self development book if you don’t want. No porn though!

The Winner

I just threw the names at Random.org and here’s how they came out. Apparently UTC is the same as Greenwich Mean Time, so that’s why it says 16.30, I do not have a time machine.