A life for love and hate

THROUGH A RAPIST'S EYES

2013-01-05T12:42:00.000+01:00

"THROUGH A RAPIST'S EYES" (PLS TAKE TIME TO READ THIS. it may save a life.)

It seems that a lot of attackers use some tactic to get away with violence. Not many people know how to take care of themselves when faced with such a situation. Everyone should read this especially each and every girl in this world.

THOUGHT THIS WAS GOOD INFO TO PASS ALONG...

Through a rapist's eyes! A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1] The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun! , braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2] The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women whose clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.

3] They also look for women using their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.

4] The number one place women are abducted from / attacked at is grocery store parking lots.

5] Number two is office parking lots/garages.

6] Number three is public restrooms.

7] The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.

8] If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.

9] These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.

10] Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.

POINTS THAT WE SHOULD REMEMBER:

1] If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: can't believe it is so cold out here, we're in for a bad winter. Now that you've seen their faces and could identify them in a line- up, you lose appeal as a target.

2] If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

3] If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.

4] If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can do it by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and
armpit or in the upper inner thigh - HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it really hurts.

5] After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause him a lot of
trouble. Start causing trouble, and he's out of there.

6] When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked
audibly.

7] Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, and go with your instincts. You may feel little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

FINALLY, PLEASE REMEMBER THESE AS WELL....

I know you are smart enough to know these pointers but there will be some, where you will go "hmm I must remember that" After reading, forward it to someone you care about, never hurts to be careful in
this crazy world we live in.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do it.

2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans: if a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you.... chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit
(doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU CLOSE the DOORS, LEAVE.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:

a. Be aware: look around your car as someone may be hiding at the passenger side, peek into your car, inside the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. (DO THIS TOO BEFORE RIDING A TAXI CAB).

b. If you! U are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

c. Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard /policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers,
wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.

Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better safe than sorry.

If u have a heart or compassion share this photo.

WE CAN SHARE JOKES AND SPAM MAILS TO OUR FRIENDS & NETWORKS
PLEASE FOR ONCE SHARE THIS AND
LETS TRY TO HELP THEM.

‘Helping hands are better than Praying Lips’ – give us your helping hand.
SHARE IT WITH ALL UR FRIENDS.

AT LEAST PEOPLES WILL KNOW WATS GOING IN WORLD.

Friends So Please Share....Your one share can Help to spread this information. We share So many Stupid Things on Facebook and ignore these types of things which can save so many lives’s...

Take care.

Looking forward to 2013 + returning to Germany

2012-12-31T15:26:00.000+01:00

Why I am looking forward to 2013? Because it can`t we worse than 2012 was (I hope so.)

In 2012:
I had a stalker who was coming to my house almost every night, ringing the doorbell or climbing up the tree to look into my window. He attacked my friends and was trying to pull me out of the car on my broken arm.

I broke my collarbone and it is still not cured. (was falling from the horse while passing out, because I was to tired after a week with the stalker stealing my sleep.

The carabinieris (ital. Police) were doing a shit. They were parking in front of my house, while he was entering through the backyard.

So my decisions were made:

- back to Germany
- trying to get my Life back to normal
- curing my shoulder in peace
- and enjoying life again.

with or without you ;-)

I WANT A BORING LIFE.

You - the risk

2012-08-27T22:29:00.000+02:00

You turned me on - and left me dreaming

You pissed me off - never thought I could get that mad anymore

We started something - that has to be continued

Than we will see....... if there is a future.

time can be your best friend

2012-08-04T18:50:00.000+02:00

Friendship. Sometimes they are faked. Last year when I was finally splitting with my Ex, my female friend told me: Now that you are not together with ...... anymore and you don`t belong to the family.... anymore, we are not playing in the same liga anymore. Or in other words she is doing the rich bitch while I am working for my money. The next words have been: How are you going to handle a horse, your cats a life in Italy. It is not your business my dear. Somehow I did. Here I am. Bills are paid, cats are fine, horse is getting better and better. (Also a nice speech I was catching from my Ex: If you will buy that horse we are through). People do you really think that works with me????? Back to my "best" female friend. I will always have an eye on you and time is helping me, you are screwing up yourself. At least I am not going around with my horse pretending to be the best rider, the best teacher and ...... the best in all. I accept all the other people and if they ask my opinion I will tell them the truth, while you are already getting kicked out of the second place with your horse for getting on other peoples nerves

I have to admit, it was satisfying me when I heard that you got kicked out of a place where you wanted to be the boss, while you were only a customer like all the others paying to have your horse kept there.

I can come with my horse to all places around and get a warm welcome. What liga are you playing in ? The liga of the most intolerant, spoiled, stupid people?

holidays are giving me too much time for thinking

2012-07-31T22:49:00.001+02:00

A little... I already miss working and beeing around the S..- staff. Think I am not a workaholic just a little lonley. Want to transfer myself 800 km`s more north for a couple hours too check out what the hell is going on in my head. Here in Italy there are two men offering me the world, but sorry guys I am not in love with you, so keep you money, your nice cars, your horses. Do not want it. Have my horse in my heart, have my own cats, my own car, small but paid and... you cannot buy me - the currency of my price is love not money.

Yesterday I had a nice day with my best female friend. We went to a lake and we´re talking a lot. But she is 15 years younger than me, I am missing a good conversation with somebody my age, and for some reasons with the italian men it is not possible, they are either talking only all the psyco romantic stuff I already heard millions of time in all languages or they talk abouth things in a way that I am getting bored very fast.

Cannot wait till my German Student is coming back from vacation. When he is trying to read Goethe at
least he is able to keep my interest for a while.

I am not dating anymore. Turned out to be a waste of time.

The first day of my vacation I was already seeing my Ex twice. Two times too much. What an error to
stay with somebody whos biggest fun is to watch TV or movies.

I do not remember when I watched the last time TV. For me there are lots of other things more important, like a nice conversation, a romantic moment, a glass of wine with the right person (haven´t had a good glass of wine since a long while).

Also freedom can become boring,

Holidays + Scorpions

2012-07-29T23:14:00.000+02:00

Tomorrow will be my first vacation day. I am ready to hit towards my lake and hopefully windsurf a little. The only bad thing: holidays without "him". With all the cats, horses, friends I am still missing "him". There are some him`s around, but the italian him`s are too much like all those things, people expect when I am telling them I am a scorpio. They are all like HUH .... you are jealous. People, with 18 I was the absolute Scorpio you are expecting. I am not very jealous anymore, maybe I am not a Scorpio anymore? If you want to cheat go ahead - I will go away and that`s it. no more dramas in my life had enough. Back to the point. The Italians are all Scorpions. I think all Italy was born in November and I cannot stand it. (strange this argument is coming from a Scorpio-Lady). Even I do not believe too much in those things it makes me laugh to imagine all Italians were born in November. Looking forward to my surfing and trying not to get in trouble too many times.
Miss you whereever and whoever you are. If you can keep my interest thats all I want. I will need some freedom for me as I will leave some freedom for you. But If you hurt me I will have to kill you ;-)

I am ready - for nothing

2012-07-19T19:43:00.001+02:00

I am ready... you only have to say the 2 or 3 words.
I am afraid... you are way to close to me already. Means you have the possibility to hurt me.
I am carefull... don`t want to stress you or me.
I am nervous... how could this happen.
I am unsure... can and should I change my life again.
I am tired... want to have a place called home. If this place is inside your arms that would be great.
I am upset... some new goodbyes.
I am impatient... how long till there will be a "we".
I am positive... about my feelings
I am excited... that I finally might have experienced some deep emotions.
I am convinced... that I will not get bored with you.

you might not be ready... you haven´t said the 2 or 3 words
you might not be afraid... maybe cause I am not close to you.
you are carefull... I realized you have secrets.
you aren`t nervous... does this means you don`t give a shit?
you aren`t unsure... would love to see a little weakness ones.
you aren`t tired... could it be you already have what I am searching.
you aren`t upset... are you happy the way things are or are you just a good actor?
you aren`t impatient... looks like you have all the time of the world, seams you are missing nothing.
you are positiv... always about the other things
you aren`t excited... at least not with me.
you aren´t convinced... no need to be convinced there will be no "we".

This is the momentary situation, and beside I am happy to feel something for someone it doesn`t look to positiv. Maybe I should lock my heart and throw the key inside the Po-River and hopefully nobody will find it again.

By the way, what did you do in my dream last night ?

What is going on?

2012-06-12T21:13:00.002+02:00

Cannot get something out of my head. Can anybody give me some tips. I was looking a short while too long into those eyse. Lost, game over, what the fuck. Can it be ? Butterflies... was not looking for having butterflies in my stomach. To tell it in Italian. CAZZO CAZZO CAZZO or in englisch SHIT SHIT SHIT or in proper Italian MERDA. How can I make my life if I complicate it always myself. After almost one year alone and the idea of never beeing able to feel all those feelings - it was crashing into me without me seeing it coming. Wanted to be your friend but always deep inside I knew this eyse would cause me problems. And now ? Confusion. But anyway thanks for showing me that I am able to feel this. Whatever will turn out to be - this moment I will protect inside my heart till the end of my days. Not sure what you would think about this. Didn`t tell you, we didn`t talk about it. On my mind and not sure if that is the right place for you.

Italy is going towards a depression - and its pulling me down too

2012-04-27T23:14:00.001+02:00

Since 2009 Italy is fighting with a depression. The people are tired of it. They are getting crazy. In the latest days I was seeing too much violence in the normal daylife of the Italians. I am not afraid, I survived other things but I must admit I am worried.
The people are losing their hope, not having work, or having work but not getting paid, while the upper 10 % are not giving a shit about the normal people. The mix here I would consider explosive. At a medical test I was obliged to do I realised how hatefull some of the Italians are now towards stranger. The lady was saying: Oh the lady has a unterminated working contract...... I know it is something a lot of people here would kill for. But I will stand up for myself as always and will give the people a helping hand, like I did in all my life, and hopefully they will not hate me too much.

Good night from Italy.

For you - whoever you are

2012-04-16T20:05:00.002+02:00

I will not stop searching you. Never.
I am a believer.
I believe there is someone out there who can
keep my interest alive for more than a short while.

So bored.
Bored from people wanting to make you believe
that they are in one way while they turn out to
be the other way.

Bored from people which are getting turned on from
an outside without asking themself if the inside will
be worth it.

Bored about hearing the wispered lovely words out of
the mouth of the wrong people.

If you would say them to me, I know it would be different.

Am I afraid of the future ?

2012-03-17T14:36:00.006+01:00

Am I afraid of the future? No.

Am I happy to be Single? Sometimes.

Will I compromise? Don`t know.

What I know........

at the moment I don`t know.

I am not searching persons that will tell me what I cannot do.

I am not searching people that love me one day and the next day they aren`t sure.

I am not giving up myself so others love me.

Love me or hate me - but please have feelings for me.

This: not so sure if yes or no..... maybe I still...... maybe I do .... sick of this shit. Do not want to hear that ever ever ever again in my life.

I love my life and have lots of plans. Do not stop me, come with me or stay out of my way.

The roller coaster keeps on going or too many goodbyes

2011-11-05T11:44:00.006+01:00

So long I was not writting. Was so busy to fight for my place in life. Yes I left my Ex after that long time and moving to Italy for him. Not because I didn`t love him anymore, no I left for the way how the living together (basicly there was none) and the missing of attention. So goodbye.

Had to decide if I want to stay all alone in Italy or move back to Germany.

Than Blacky the shy black cat I was always taking care of died. Had to put him to sleep through the vet, because he had a disease (Felv or Fip - not the cataids, the other one) that would have killed him inbetween the next two weeks. His fever was already so high. I was destroyed, now that he started to live together with Gismo, Pirata and me I had to say goodbye. I was so sad and again nobody understood.

Now again I am missing somebody, but I cannot be there for "friends" and in the end nobody is there for me.

Well the earth keeps turning, "friends" disappear and new ones appear, and hopefully some of the goodones will remain FRIENDS.

SALVAMI

How stupid

2011-08-10T22:28:00.003+02:00

Sometimes I am really stupid. Instead of watching the falling stars with somebody tonight I took an invitation for a dinner my neighbors. There I can see once again how stupid I am sometimes and that is driving me crazy. But running away before things are getting to a point were it is starting to hurt has always been my easy way out. So "stupid" what are you going to do now. I don`t know.

In any way it is going to hurt - I know.

So am I preferring the short strong pain or the slow longlasting pain? In the end it always comes up to pain.

And do I really have a choice?

The straight street seems so fucking straight. Left and right no possibilities. Should I just stay here and wait. What am I waiting for? Signs? Trust? wait - stopp
who the fuck is talking about trust.

Okay - I will go forward - little step by step (if step 1 will not kill me - maybe step 2 the day or week after) How can a horse trust me while I cannot trust the world? Or does this horse knows something more than me...? And my cats? Also trusting me. Am I trusting myself? - is the question.

The butterfly

2011-07-10T20:13:00.004+02:00

It`s been a long long time I was not writting. But to be honest it was a time
I was not sure where life is leading me to. And guess, I still don't know.

It`s me flying through the window at the end of the video.

What a voice, what lyrics. Fantastic.

Inspired by this video I am thinking about a second tattoo. - A butterfly - like a
symbol also for my life.

Also I need some new friends that are more into the same stuff I am into. Spending time with animals and horses. Would love to go on short trails with some friends on horses.

Would be so nice to live togehter with friends, cats, dogs and horses.

At least I have a dream.

The last months I tried to be somebody else so others like me. Guess what, didn`t work. I am just not the girl for shopping, shoes and talking behind other peoples back.
Guess I go back to normal.

I am feeling like a black cat or a brown horse

2011-04-18T18:49:00.005+02:00

Blacky is a cat that I got to know in Italy. Young, wild and nobody was able to touch him.
No wonder. Nobody wants him, everybody kicks or hit him. He is beautifull, black like a panther but so lost.
His owner used to live in the appartment above me. Before I moved here. He was crazy.
He killed his girlfriend and of course was arrested for that. The police was closing the appartment. Normal after a crime. Inside a cat with babies. Was not the fault of the policemen, they appartment was so full with trash and stuff, that they just couldn't find the cats and I guess they also didn't know about.

Thanks to my neighbors, with the name that explains their love for this animals, he was not dying. She was asking the police and got the permission to bring some food inside every day. But also she never saw them. Because of the terrible smell in that trashy place she opended a window. Two days later she saw Blacky the first time in the garden. A very young black cat. So shy, hurted, without trust and hope.

Than I arrived in the appartment below. First I was building a bridge for my cat to enter from the balcony to the garden and was putting his wooden house (doghouse ;-) )on the balcony, so my cat has a warm place to wait for me when I am not at home to let him in.

What a chance. It makes me smile to imagine how Blacky must have felt, when he first saw there is a warm house reachable for him, that leaves him all the freedom to escape when a human is arriving. And food also :-o

Everything could have turned out fine. But there are always some persons that don't like animals.

One day I found (Il Pirata) an italian cat in my wooden house on the balcony. He got hit be a car or something and good his mouth broken twice. Okay I paid the doctor and the surgery and I had three cats. Than one of my german cats died. Back to two and of course always Blacky, the balcony cat.

Since Blacky always has some running ease and a running nose, I worked to be able to touch him and give him antibiothica. Every day the trust is growing a little. Is wonderfull that I am able to take him in my arms - for a second only - or wash out his eyse, his nose. Two weeks ago he came with a open head, think somebody hit him with a piece of wood or something. He is not quiet enough to take him to a vet. So again I had to use my medicine on him. Every day I controlled him for fever and how the wound was curing. He was only sleeping and crying (with a very sad voice).

Since a couple days he feels better. The wound is closed and the hair is starting to grow again. Two days now he is also visiting my neigbors again. Also they are shocked about what people are able to do.

I can still touch him more and more. And the next step is get him neutred (yes the balls will have to go - he smells, and then he will be more homy ;-)

Okay whatever life will bring. He will become the new part of my little family.

(Me, my inside cat and two outside cats).

But there is annother problem animal. A very beautifull horse full of fear. Missunderstood by his owner. I cannot say it different. The owner wants to tell me to use more force. And one time I saw the fear in the horses eyse when he was not working right and got a punch on the head. Also you my dear I will protect - you are my next goal. Than I will also take you away with me to a new paradise with three cats and me. Have to be carefull on that project.

The car is paid - 300 paid an annother 3000 left I can pay with 100 Euros every month easily.
Next step a solution for the prettiest brown nose with the brown feary eyse (4000 Euro I think I will have to offer). Wonder if I will succeed to also transfer this animal into my paradies.

A place for me and my creatures I also have to find. WOW - sounds like a busy year.

Over all of this - not beeing sure where life is taking me. But overall not without my family.

I have to remember that once I was in a situation like this before and made it. I need a second job.

Liar

2011-01-24T19:46:00.003+01:00

You were not telling me the truth. Why I had to figure it out myself ?
After three years I was not even worth the truth.
Did you really think the world around you is stupid - also me.

You aren't worth the truth anymore.

Heartbroken, wounded but again not dead.

Why ? Why should I believe somebody again, who is coming and telling
he loves me ? It happens to many times before. - The result... always
the same.

Heartbroken, wounded but again not dead.

You made be believe one thing while in your head you had other plans.

You say you love me. You played with me. Fuck off.

Everybody knows I don't care about money - you care to much. So get your
comfortable life, find yourself somebody that is living only to please you.

Let me continue my way - that is not searching money - that is the true
love. And I hope if I will find it before my time comes I will not be to
hurted to not give it a chance.

A girl with two cats and almost a horse, with a lot of lost friends in the heart:
Susi, Coockie, Luna, Floh, my ex-neighbor Antonia - one day we'll be united :-)

No time

2010-12-11T21:51:00.003+01:00

the last weeks were flying like clouds. I got the work in Lanzo (my hometown). I started direct after my second interview. Was working in the forwarding agency of a friend to try out that work, when the company of my hometown called. I went right away, signed the contract... and guess what. The right decision. I love my work. The italians are really nice, even a lot of times my head is close to an explosion, (imagine sitting in an office with 5 italians - hearing and talking all the day in italian, your mind always working on 100 % to understand everything, to not make mistakes). Very hard, never thought it would be that hard.

But one time in machine industrie - there is no escape. I love the HM and HSS metal
and the titanium, diamond, xseed, alcrona ....... metals and coatings.

Back in my working world I already transformed into annother person again.

I am good (also they are saying that). All the markets (german and english speaking) will be soon under my control. I am rolling over that company like a tsunami. ;-)

My cats (Gismo + Il Pirata) are fine.

The only bad story last week, one of my beloved horses died, the little pony lady was already 22 years, but she went away in two days (high fever, inflamation of the lung).

My young wild dangerous DJ is transforming into a workaholic horse, that wants to work till the foam is running down his mouth. Back, Spin, collected, round neck, head down, long reins - unbelievable.

Partens are here for a visit until the 20th of december, also because I have to fly to Germany for two days and I need somebody to watch my cats (could never leave them alone).

Today I got my italian recidence "La residenza".

Did I finally find a home? My home?

The run continues

2010-11-17T14:16:00.005+01:00

After my language tests for my dreamcompany Iv..o I was not satisfied with myself at all. Could have done better and was not prepared for language tests, also in Italian.
Also I was confused after one year working to get into this company I was disappointed seeing how monotonous the work in a big company like this is.

The other two interviews (a forwarder = spedizione and a company in the my hometown) were going great. For the one in my hometown I already passed the second interview yesterday and I really hope they will take me (only one more person to kick out of my way). Is a dreamjob doing all different kinds of work, just like my old work in Germany. Expos, catalogs, Excel, Access, Word, Adobe, clients, sales, aftersales. Only with annother German doing all the german and englishspeaking markets. And the company is growing since 50 years. What an opportunity. Metalindustry again, didn't I say never again?

To the forwarding agency I will go to work the next two days (Thursday and Friday) to see how it works out. Also with my Italian.

Today Iv..o called. What a surprise. I passed all the language test and qualified for the 3rd step. So I told the lady that this week I am already working in annother company but next week I can do some further Iv..o meetings.

My ranking is the following at the moment:

1st place the company with 70 employees in my hometown. (for the work and the possibilities, not for the money, moneywise only 2nd.)Exists since 50 years.
Worktime 8.00 - 12.00 and 13.30 until 17.00. With the car 3 mins. to reach the
company. I could go home during the 1,5 hour lunch break to let the cats in and
out.

2nd place the forwarding agency for the work in an italian family owned company. Also that company exists since 50 years. Worktime: 8.30 - 12.30 and 14.30 - 18.30
what a long day and then more or less 1 hour by car means 7.30-19.30 = 12 hours
every day. What the fuck should I do with a 2 hour lunch break ????? Ride my horse?
In Germany half an hour lunchbreak is enough. One hour will cause a revolution.
Germans like to go home early in the afternoon to have some day left.

3rd place for Iv..o for the monotonously work but no. 1 for the money.

If I look at the gasoline and the time away from home my no. 1 is paying less but in the end the money on my hand will be more + more free quality time.

Hope they make up their mind fast. They should do, since all three companies are searching for beginning of December.

Strange: After one year of fighting to get my feet into the door of Iv..o two smaller companies would make me more happy.

The run

2010-11-09T21:35:00.006+01:00

This week I have the run. Monday it started, when I was going to visit my beloved horse. In the car my mobile was ringing. A big truck company was calling to come to an interview into their house. Was for crashing my car, when I heard what company was calling me ;-)
This happens after I was trying to get my feet into that company for almost one year, and after two interviews in agencies for temporary work.
A month ago I was deciding to not waste any energy anymore to enter that company and now they called me to invite me to come to their holy head office.

After the lady was talking to me on the phone in italian for a while she asked me if it is okay to pass me to annother person for doing the english test now on the phone. Sure I said, think I can make a telephone conversation in english. So we did.
The lady passed me back to the italian and we made a date for an interview inside the company.

Arrived at the horses. Was only cleaning a little and letting my little one running around outside the paddock. The earth was all slippery after the rainy days, so I didn't want to ride, also my cold should be cured 100 % first.
Was happy to clean the horses and started to clean also their 3 boxes when the phone was ringing again.

Annother company asking me to come to an interview. Sure, made a date, was happy and continued to clean again. The mobile was ringing again, my horse came everytime my handy was ringing and was listening why I was speaking into a little box. The second company again. They were talking to their client and he absolutely wants to meet me so they want to make a second date two days later direct with their client.

Yesterday was really a crazy day.

Today I had the first interview. Was a very short and successfull one. They only wanted to get to know me before I go to their client (an international company, a daughter of Balzers/Oerlikon, very popular in Germany). The office in my hometown is not so big, but big enough for me to have a nice international start in Italy (if they take me).
My favorite is still the one I will go to tomorrow, a big truck company starting with I and ending with o. ;-)
I visited the place today on my way back from the other interview and is like a little town. I would really love to work in that company, also because I loved to drive their trucks (7,49 tons) when I was working in a car rental in Germany on my weekends. Think for tecnical support I am better than all the others, because I was driving those trucks for years. A big trump card I was not playing yet, I will do that tomorrow.

On thursday I will have the last interview so far and than I hope I will have a decision by next week.
Wish me all the luck.
This week, with a run like that there is only place for L O V E.

Still alive

2010-11-06T20:27:00.003+01:00

Still fighting with a cold, that is pulling me down since 2 weeks already. One day is a little better, so I go shopping or to an interview - but the next day I am destroyed again. Think this cold will never go away. Since two weeks I was not riding, not seeing my beloved horse and more or less only laying around - to not cough.

What a shit. BASTA.

Want to go out and have some fun, in those moments life isn't fair at all.

Getting tired of Italy (the attitude the people have when you go to a job interview is really pissing me off). You hear things like: you are the perfect candidate and they will call you in any case the next day. Bullshit. "Liar - Liar, pants on fire".

Either they lie to you, or they are to scared to call you to tell you "No" after they were giving you hope. In any case. Shame on you. Before doing interviews with people that search work - do your homework yourself (honesty and the strength to give the people an answer).

First I thought they act like this because I am a foreigner in Italy. But today I found out with two Italian girls I know, they were doing exactly the same bullshit.

Pussies.

No the extremists in Italy want to change the law than any foreigner, that is not working after 3 months has to go back home. Well, if the faith wants me to move on I have to follow. (wonder where I will end up next - in case I leave). Not sono pronto per andare - - we will see.

My idea is switzerland. (there I could take my cats - and in case I find a job there fast, they pay good enough to buy the horse I am in love with and make a deal to pick him up before next summer).

Still fighting for Italy - but this cold that is not going away might be a sign how tired I am fighting to stay in a country I am not welcome in.

Up and down - rollercoaster

2010-10-20T11:43:00.004+02:00

This week (and it is only Wednesday) was already covering all the band width of emotions, like a rollercoaster.

Hate:
My obsessive parents just won't understand why I am staying in Italy in this period of my life. Lately skyping becomes a horror for me. My mother always with a not very well hidden triumph: So, then you have to come back to Germany :-) here the market is good, you have work waiting and so on...
But what else is waiting for me in Germany?
Is life really all about money and nothing else? Seems to be like it.
Without money no fun, no DJ (horse), no vet for the cats, no......
Just a thought: Me again in Germany, with my old work waiting for me.
Money = no problem, Cats = more or less no problem, DJ = no DJ, Love = no love (sorry never used to get along with the German men - if I want to live with a fridge a buy a fridge and not a boyfriend).
Parents = happy
Me = unhappy.

Confusion:
maybe going somewhere else - again? (this is caused by the hate points of the problematic Italian situation and the not wanted German situation)
Where ?
Cats = Problem (no visa for the States for the cats).
Work = more or less a problem, but less than in Italy for sure.
Love = confused.
Parents = unhappy.
Me = unhappy
Changes = in a way wanted.

Love:
and again I have to admit that only the love of an animal is honest and lasting.
On the rest better not count on.

Happiness:
those moments with my cats and the little successes with the horsetraining were making me happy this week, but is that all life is holding for me?

In case is like this:
So the goal would be:
Wow cannot write that, is even to scary for me. Is the way I never wanted to
go in my life again (working, working, working (in Germany) with my animals alone all the time to make money fast to buy a home (for me and my animals) and a horse I will not have the time to ride...
Than there will come an asshole... after a while I will leave him and leave the home to him .... and again and again.

STOP.

Don't count on love (unless is the love of an animal) but also don't count on money.
Finding annother solution. Thinking until headaches arrive. No solution.

The period of annother 2-3 months I was giving myself for Italy is running, like my thoughts.

the honest true love

2010-10-07T16:33:00.004+02:00

Also yesterday I was going to ride. My horse was already waiting and shouting when he saw my car. Me and a friend were cleaning and preparing the horses to ride inside. I wanted to try out some works a western rider was showing me.

My thoroughbred (yes, everything I was reading about those horses matches him 100 %) was realising right away that I am not so happy. So he worked like a crazy to make me happy. Is amazing. Normally bullheaded he was trying to read my mind yesterday. One more time, like already on our first Gimkhana, when he was doing the sidewards for the first time in his life. My homework was to make him take the head down, collect him and also make his steps in trot and gallop smaller. What did the trainer say: not an easy horse and you need a lot of patience.... To bad he wasn't there yesterday.

After a slalom with long reins, a circle in trot and gallop with long reins and only using one hand moving the reins a little to the front like sending him off, with perfect little steps, everybody was standing there, watching and not able to close the mouth. My friend said after she never saw him beautiful like this in her whole life, nobody did. Everybody said: Do it again. And we did, again and again.

Backwards, sidewards, spin right and left. He was doing everything to make me laugh. Finally he suceeded. We were all laughing about that miracle horse, when he remembered that he is normally a bullheaded horse.

I am curious how he will be the next time. Will he do a miracle for me like yesterday and at the Gimkhana, or will he be bullheaded like always.

Now I know even more how beautiful this horse will be, one day when we are both good enough for the "high class" riders ;-)

Animals are honest and great. If they give you their love, is there forever, if you don't ruin it.

I am so happy having the love of 3 animals at the moment, and the love of all the ones I had to let go. Is my responsibility to go all the way with them to the final breath.

All my animals were dying in my arms. Dogs, cats (Cookie not, sorry) even a horse (yes the horse was laying on the ground already a little sleepy, the head on my lap, when they were giving the overdose to him). That is the price you have to pay for staying with animals - and everbody should pay it in this way. Not the way most of the riders are doing and also a friend of mine believes in: the horse was coming to my stable on his own feet, so he walks out of it like this.

No. Let him/her sleep away relaxed at home and then after, when he/she is dead there is still enough time for the crane and transport. It costs a little more - but for me is worth it. Maybe I am the only one like this. But sorry it's me.

the agreement of silence

2010-10-07T15:51:00.003+02:00

self destroying, obsessive and wild
caught in the situation
love is gone, is it gone for real ?
maybe is only hiding behind a moments pressure.
Was it there?
it might still is.
A turn around leaving 3,5 years, possible?

Tired, this time I realised not to be the only one tired.
I saw you yesterday, sleeping with your grey skin, tired
destroyed and helpless.

The fear of loosing control, the worries about life and
love were cutting deep lines into your face.

To tired to argue. You turned around, helpless.
You still love me, behind your wall of ice.

I see you suffer, unable to help you. I am numb.
Now we have to find a way to get along with
each other.

Some words you said are burned into my heart and brain.
Think they will stay there forever.

and how it goes on........ an agreement of silence
of not hurting each other anymore until we are recovered.

Then the final decision has to be made.

But for now. Both on the ground, both k.o. The match
has to be continued. Will there be winners or only losers.

A forgotten treasure

2010-10-04T14:43:00.005+02:00

Sometimes you find a long lost memory or a description that matches you 100 % again after years.

Just thinking about the concert times with a the crazy people and my feeling of nobody understanding me. Wild and evil.

Two days I am listening now again The Mission with the song "you are like a hurricane". Reading the lyrics I am getting jealous for the gift the songwriter has to put all the power and the spirit into a song. (okay this one is a cover version of Neil Young, I have to admit). But I like the version of The Mission just more.

The lyrics of Sisterhood, Sisters of Mercy and The Mission are so strong. All made up around the main figures Andrew and Wayne. Still don't know if I like the vocalist Andrew with the Sisters of Mercy better or Wayne with The Mission, after they split from the early Sisters. How they were connected with the Sisterhood, or if the Sisterhood was an early project of them two I never understood, but also a little before my time. But the songs are also great.

So have to steal the lycrics now and put them here to get the power of words into my head.

------------------------------------------------
"Like A Hurricane"

Once I thought I saw you
in a crowded hazy bar,
Dancing on the light
from star to star.
Far across the moonbeam
I know that's who you are,
I saw your brown eyes
turning once to fire.

You are like a hurricane
There's calm in your eye.
And I'm gettin' blown away
To somewhere safer
where the feeling stays.
I want to love you but
I'm getting blown away.

I am just a dreamer,
but you are just a dream,
You could have been
anyone to me.
Before that moment
you touched my lips
That perfect feeling
when time just slips
Away between us
on our foggy trip.

You are like a hurricane
There's calm in your eye.
And I'm gettin' blown away
To somewhere safer
where the feeling stays.
I want to love you but
I'm getting blown away.

You are just a dreamer,
and I am just a dream.
You could have been
anyone to me.
Before that moment
you touched my lips
That perfect feeling
when time just slips
Away between us
on our foggy trip.

You are like a hurricane
There's calm in your eye.
And I'm gettin' blown away
To somewhere safer
where the feeling stays.
I want to love you but
I'm getting blown away.
------------------------------------------

Wow. How strong the picture of a hurricane with the calm eye in the middle is burning itself into the brain, describing also the character of a person.
Respect.

Love, trust, loyalty and the biggest power hate

2010-10-02T23:32:00.008+02:00

Some days I really wonder if my life was creating a monster. A monster that cannot trust and believe it`s loved. There will be no man on this earth running around 24 hours the day telling a woman he loves her. But it seems to be the only way working for me. Sad and true. I don't feel the love of anyone in my life.

But on the other hand, why should somebody love me.... and getting nothing in return.
In the end it comes up to one point: It all seems to be my fault. And that makes me hate myself.

I cannot ask for something I cannot give in return. And even if I feel some love deep inside of me, I would rather bite my tongue off than admitting it and giving annother person a kind of power over me. Remember very well, long time ago, a boyfriend asked me if I love him. The words got stuck in my throat and so I was letting him go away.
He never had a chance to hurt me. But instead I was hurting myself.

Yes, just now, writting this - thinking about all the missed moments in the life, I realized: Some people have to stay alone because there is no home for them.

All my life I am searching a place called home, not the material home I mean. The home you can find in a smile or in the arms of a person you love.

Think I will stop searching now and face the fact that love is only for people that can give themself like a present away to get somebody elses heart as a present in return.

I am a monster. And nobody can love a monster. I rather destroy people than giving them the possibility to hurt me again.

Think I have to stop dreaming about a "normal" life and start to make the best out of mine. Free, alone and unloved.

Also some friends using me only for their goals (like calling only for riding and otherwise don't give a shit about me) should better watch out. It's time for the old Surviver-girl to return. You don't love me - so fuck off my dear.

Cannot take care about the wishes of everybody, when nobody takes care about mine.
I tried to be sweet and nice for years now, hoping to find love (I don't fucking care if there are 100 people thinking how sweet I am with a very good character - if I still feel empty inside). What a waste of time trying to be a lovely person.

I will be myself again. No more compromises.