Butterflyfish

What she said

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Wed, 23 May 2012 22:19:00 +0000

I'm not the only MILP mommy of a newborn with an older child (or two). Two posts written by others this week made me say "YES, I so know that feeling. I am living that right now." So I am just gonna quote one, and add my commentary. I'll do the other one later this week.

Wild Northwest Litigator said:

"There is nothing like mommyhood to bring out the crazy paranoid in you.

I distinctly remember, after my first baby, fearing a bunch of scary things that never existed before there was a baby in the house. . . .

Driving became especially precarious. Each time I got behind a wheel, my mind flooded with vivid worst case scenarios. During each sudden stop, I pictured the car behind me ramming into our vehicle. Each time I crossed an intersection, I pictured another car running their light, and driving wildly into us in a T-bone collision.

Another example: every time I walked down a flight of stairs carrying my baby, I suddenly saw myself tripping, falling, and dropping the baby."

Personally, I've pretty much been in this state perpetually for 16 months now... and it has absolutely gotten worse since LF arrived. My other "worst case scenarios" involve burns, drownings, carjackings, cars careening off the road while I'm pushing a stroller on the sidewalk, choking, picture frames falling from the wall and onto bassinet.... Ack, some of them are so vivid and so awful, that, if not for WNWL writing her post, I might never have admitted having such thoughts. It might be a necessary survival response, but it is still awful.

FAIL

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Tue, 22 May 2012 20:38:00 +0000

I have all the spatial intelligence of a drunken weeble wobble toy. I swear I'd get lost in a jail cell.

No, really. Proof?

I have, while holding a map, directed my husband to drive "up."
I once pulled up to a gas station pump three times in an attempt to get my gas tank on the right side of the pump. Even acknowledging that sometimes people mess up on their initial pull up, who does it twice in one visit?

So I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at my latest spatial fail.

Today, I found myself with a free half hour. I attempted to finally arrange 13 pictures of Angelfish into a collage frame, one small picture for each month of her first year and a large photo. The small photos are in two equal rows of six, and the large picture is to the left. It (should) match an identical frame I did for Clownfish years ago. I even numbered the pictures on the back in order so I wouldn't mess up.

In my first attempt, I realized that I had begun arranging the numbers in descending order. I carefully removed all of the pictures from the matte and tried again. In my second attempt, I realized I had arranged the entire collage is the mirror image (or upside down) of the one I had done for my son -- big picture to the right. It looks fine on its own as is, but I'll have to redo it... otherwise, when I make one for Lionfish next year, one of the three will be different. Unless I find a whole other way to mess up.

Sigh.

One Month

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Mon, 21 May 2012 18:47:00 +0000

Again, a post composed in stolen minutes over the course of a few days.

I love the transformations a baby makes in the first month. They're so subtle, and so sweet. Eye contact, little smiles when she sleeps, arm movements that almost seem purposeful -- like when she swings at a dangling toy, or when she grabs at me as I feed her.

She's still sleeping a lot more during the day than at night, and I haven't done much to alter that because I can pay better attention to Angelfish when she sleeps during the day and can pay absolute attention to Little Lionfish at night. Umm, so yeah, that sleep thing is still elusive.

Baby acne... poor little thing. Her face looks so inflamed.

I have yet to pump and attempt a bottle even once.

So very happy I am not preparing to go back to work in a week or two.

MILP #253

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Mon, 21 May 2012 12:24:00 +0000

Magic Cookie had the Roundup this week.

Attorney At Large is next, and then here!

Shopping

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Fri, 18 May 2012 11:30:00 +0000

I have nothing to wear.

People say that all the time, but what they mean is "blah, everything in my wardrobe is tired, and I's sure like some fresh, new tops." I mean: I have no summer, casual clothes that fit me. None. Years ago (years!!), I donated to charity everything that was ever in my wardrobe in my current size because I assumed I'd never see this size again. So everything I have now is too big (except this one pair of jeans), and I am increasingly aware that this state of affairs is really unflattering.

Generally, I hate shopping... and I really hate shopping for me. I hate looking through racks, I really hate trying on clothes, and I really really hate spending money on myself. Its traumatic on a lot of levels.

But, earlier this week, I went shopping. I went to a nearby department store, not a "big girl" store, that was having a big sale (plus I had interweb coupons). I dropped Angelfish at daycare, loaded the baby up with some boobie milk and spent 90 minutes combing the racks and navigating a sleeping baby in and around dressing room stalls.

I bought three short sleeved tops, a couple of t-shirts, a pair of shorts, a pair of capris and a pair of sandals. All stuff I can mix and match, and all for about $100. Its probably not enough to get through the whole summer, but certainly better than the XXL tents and baggy pants I've been wearing.

Magic Cookie just blogged about fashion lessons. I learned one this week: shirts that are in my actual size, not "oversized" or "loose," but shirts designed to fit someone of my approximate weight and shape, actually look good on me. This was an epiphany.

I'm still overweight by anyone's standards, but I'm down something like 50 pounds from my weight on the day I graduated law school. I'd really like to drop another 30 and/or two more sizes. That actually seems do-able to me these days.

Interaction

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Tue, 15 May 2012 20:41:00 +0000

I noted that Angelfish's initial reaction to the arrival of the baby was indifference. Starting about a week ago, she has shown more interest, and it has generally been positive.

When the baby fusses, she goes over to check it out.
If the baby is in the car seat, she tries to rock her. Unfortunately, her toddler enthusiasm is rather ... vigorous ... and I have to intervene in what is otherwise a kind gesture of sisterly affection. Or at least, its a gesture I choose to see as such.
She says "hi baby" and "hi [baby name]" a lot, especially when she hears her from across the room.
She randomly chooses to bring the baby blankets and her binky. Sure, she usually takes them away again right away, but its progress.
She has initiated hugs and kisses. She has only shown interest in kissing the baby's back back when I'm holding her, and not her face, but, again... progress.
She generally reacts well when I have to delay reading a book to her or playing with a toy, so long as I am holding the baby and explain that mommy is feeding her.
She tries to hold the baby's hand.
She has a few baby dolls that she'll pick up and feed or pat when she sees me feeding or soothing the baby. One morning, she laid down a blanket and put her baby doll on the corner, before getting distracted and walking away. I could have sworn she was going to attempt to swaddle the doll, though.

Yes, Angelfish has had age-appropriate tantrums and meltdowns, especially when tired, and some of them seem to be prompted by my paying attention to the baby. But these have been (blessedly) fewer and further between than I had feared.

MILP #252

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Tue, 15 May 2012 16:18:00 +0000

Reluctant Grownup had it.

Belated happy mother's day to the MILPs!

(Magic Cookie is next.)

Three weeks: who needs sleep?

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Thu, 10 May 2012 14:23:00 +0000

Disjointed thoughts drafted throughout the last two days.

Lionfish is a very pretty baby. She has long fingers and dark hair and eyes and a sweet little face. When she's curled up on my chest like a little kitten, snoring lightly, its mommy heaven.
She's strong. She lifts her head and moves so much.
She's growing quickly. So quickly. Too quickly? Happy/sad.
The nursing situation has improved -- less cracking and bleeding, some trauma and soreness, but no crying (on my part) lately.
Two babies crying simultaneously is not awesome.
I haven't begun pumping yet because omg I don't know when I am supposed to find the time. I feel like, during the day, when I'm not holding the baby, I am holding or playing with Angelfish. At night, if/when I get to put the baby down for more than ten minutes, I use that time to sleep!
Lionfish wants to be held... pretty much all the time, but especially between 5 p.m. and 8 a.m. During the morning rush to get Clownfish ready and feeding Angelfish breakfast, etc., I pop her in the Baby Bjorn.
Right now, Wednesday morning, I'm kind of overwhelmed. I feel hungry all the time, I'm eating crap, its raining so I can't get outside, and Angelfish is crabby, and it has literally taken me almost two hours to construct this sentence. Lionfish pretty much won't fall asleep unless she's held. If I put her down before she's asleep deeply enough, she awakes and wails. (Note: Bullshark comes home & makes dinner every night and tries to give me a break in the evening, but the last few days, he's had tons of work to do at night, and he's exhausted too. I can't say that my partner is anything other than supportive and awesome -- its just reality that my sleep schedule sucks right now, and I am depressed and overwhelmed as a result.)
Right now, Thursday morning. Last night, I got more sleep (poor Bullshark got much less), but I'm less overwhelmed today. It also helps that I just dropped Angelfish off at daycare. (She goes two days a week to reserve her spot for the fall.)

Ok I'm gonna post this now, disjointed as it is, because it is already kind of a ridiculous scattershot post and its not likely to improve with time. How the hell other new mommies post prolifically in the first month is absolutely beyond my comprehension.

Job update

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Wed, 09 May 2012 15:20:00 +0000

I may be able to return to my job after all, if I accept reassignment to a place with a much, much worse commute and less than ideal working conditions.

Pros:
Job security through maternity leave and for one year thereafter.
Can use that time to look for/apply for permanent positions (this time, without impending childbirth looming ahead, which really precluded me from applying for several positions in the last year).
Predictability (this employment means predictable, if inflexible, work schedule).

Cons:
Commute sucks.
All the cons of returning to full time employment with a salary that will barely pay for daycare (and may actually put me in the hole, once I factor in gasoline for long-ass commute ... I may have to look at carpooling.)
Not returning to the office I've been at (short commute, lots of autonomy, people who love my work and respect both my time and my expertise).
Prospective office & supervisor is notorious for [details redacted, but nothing that isn't survivable].

There is a possibility that the reassignment won't happen, but they gave me the courtesy of knowing it was likely before I had to accept. I have a few days to decide.

Thinking.

MILP #251

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Mon, 07 May 2012 08:51:00 +0000

Kate at Today and Tomorrow hosted this week. Check it out, won't you?

Reluctant Grownup is up next.

Post-partum Achievements Unlocked

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Sun, 06 May 2012 15:37:00 +0000

First day flying solo: Thursday May 3. Went grocery shopping with newborn.

Fist day flying solo without sending toddler to daycare. Friday May 4. Took two kids to newborn well-baby check up and ran to grocery store for items forgotten the day before. Made baked ziti.

First time wearing pre-pregnancy pants without elastic waist: Saturday, May 5. (Clownfish first holy communion. Separate post forthcoming.)

First time wearing pre-pregnancy JEANS. Specifically, these jeans. OLld Navy 14s. Today. Right now.

(Just ate some celebratory Doritos. Need to remind myself not to sabotage this.)

Working girl post-script

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Fri, 04 May 2012 10:35:00 +0000

There was a favorable final resolution to something that I handled at work.
Someone was thoughtful enough to (ask a secretary to) mail to me a copy of a notice from the court with a post it appended to it, just saying thanks.
Made my day, that.

Adjusting: Clownfish

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Thu, 03 May 2012 10:22:00 +0000

Clownfish is excited about his new baby sister, and still thrives in is status as "Angelfish's favorite person in the whole world." But, with respect to him, I have not handled the transition from two to three kids well -- at all -- in these first two weeks.

He's acting out because it gets my attention. He suddenly insists on telling really long and detailed stories about Beyblade battles, and I think he knows that I'm less than half listening... all I hear is blah blah blah while I feed the baby and keep Angelfish occupied. He procrastinates more and more at bedtime, because by then, AF is already in bed and, occasionally, the baby is snoozing too, so he has his best chance at undivided attention ... unfortunately, right when I am my most bleary eyed and irritable.

It hasn't been all bad for him -- he's had soccer games and practices and runs around the block with Bullshark; we let him stay up to watch some favorite shows together on the weekend (yay Mythbusters!) and we all played some boardgames together. He makes his first holy communion this Saturday, and we've planned a family party for him at the house afterwards.

But as much as I am able to say we that, when Angelfish came home, we really did succeed in minimizing the disruption to the time and attention that he received, we (or, more specifically, *I*) really did fail to do the same this time.

All I can do is be aware of it and keep trying to find the balance. But I do feel badly about dropping that ball more often than I caught it these last few days.

MILP #250

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Tue, 01 May 2012 06:43:00 +0000

Atty Work Product had it.

Adjusting: Parents

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 12:47:00 +0000

Oh my gawd, you guys. Bringing home an infant post-cesarean is 1 million times harder when you have a 15 month old that you're not allowed to lift. (The doctors did a great job putting the fear of death into me regarding that, and I've been really scrupulous about it.) Angelfish sleeps and naps in a crib, and eats in a high chair. Lifting is essential. Fortunately, Bullshark took off work for the whole week last week. He has always been an awesome Papa and partner, but this time, he really out did himself. I really could not have made it through the week without him.

Lionfish is (so far) a pretty typical newborn. She still has her days and nights mixed up. During the day, she cries when she's hungry and when she needs a burp. Otherwise, she sleeps. At night, its like she's at Mardi Gras -- she's wide awake, she wants to dance, and she constantly wants access to my boobs.

Last week, Bullshark took a shift holding her between 9ish and midnight so I could get a block of uninterrupted sleep. Then I took the overnight with Lionfish, and Bullshark responded to Angelfish if she woke during the night. (Angelfish typically wakes once, and goes right back to sleep if you give her two-three ounces of water.)

Bullshark is back at work today, so my mom came up last night. We'll see how the next few days go. Last night, I visited with mom during my sleep window so... yeah... today I'ma gonna nap.

I've had some discomfort and recovery seems slower this time. Actually, its probably not. We brought home Angelfish in the middle of one of the worst winters ever -- we were stuck inside for weeks, really, so I didn't feel any rush to be able to get outside and take walks or run errands or go to the park. This time, its spring... a really lovely spring, and I have errands I want to run and a burning desire to be outside. I've been pushing pretty hard to get out every day, so discomfort is probably inevitable. Also, this "no driving" thing sucks.

Ok... Grandma is taking Angelfish for a walk, baby is fed, and I'm gonna nap if I can.

Adjusting: Angelfish

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 11:58:00 +0000

How are we doing since the arrival of Lionfish? Let's start with the one I was most worried about -- Angelfish.

At first, she had a hard time understanding that mommy could not pick her UP-ee because mommy had a "boo boo." But she has adjusted. She's learned that she's allowed to climb all over my lap so long as I'm sitting on the floor, and she's been happy with that.

I really feel like she has grown up and changed sooo much this week. Its as if she suddenly understands so much more of what we're saying... or, she's understood all along, but has decided what we say is worth heeding more of the time. She says Mama and Papa a LOT now, which is awesome. Oh, and NO. Lots of NO these days. Plus, there have been instances where she says words like "outside," but she doesn't say them consistently or clearly, so its hard to count them.

Yesterday, I was sitting on the floor, and she decided it would be fun to play with my hair. She made mommy "pretty." Then she came around and gave me a big kiss on the lips. She has never given kisses without my asking. It was mommy heaven.

Overall, she has responded very well to the arrival of the "bay-bee." When I'm holding Lionfish, she occasionally takes out a doll that she holds and pats and feeds and calls "bay-bee" and/or the baby's name. She occasionally pats Lionfish and says "hi" to her and says her name, but otherwise ignores her. This, I think, is the best case scenario with a 15 month old.

MILP #249

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 18:49:00 +0000

PTLAWMOM HAD IT.

SORRY FOR SHOUTING. HOLDING BABY WHILE TYPING

Welcome Lionfish!

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 15:36:00 +0000

Lionfish was born on April 18, 2012. She weighed in at 7 lbs 12 oz and was 21 inches long.

Today is the day

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 10:33:00 +0000

Going to meet baby Boo.
Will update when I can.
No smartphone, so don't be surprised if its a day or two before we have pictures.

15 months

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 10:21:00 +0000

Angelfish, now, in Bullets of Awesomeness

She has started some animal impressions -- monkey, elephant (trunk wave!), wolf/howling dogs (ahh-ooooooh!). If she doesn't know or remember, she does a roaring sound that is hilarious.
She can walk very very fast (or maybe my 39+ week pregnant belly is slowing me down).
She says 'what's that' and points.
She hardly ever says mama/mommy or papa... but she says Clownfish all day long.
She suddenly understands what hugs are and gives them freely (well, mostly to Clownfish). But she'll play independently, and then suddenly come over and hug my legs, and go back to playing. So that's something.
She is very independent -- we go on walks around the block, and for a good bit of the walk, she'll charge ahead, refusing to hold hands or even look back to make sure we're still with her. I've noticed several mommies referring to their daughters in the 15-24 month age range as honey badgers ... I totally see it -- she just don't give a shit.
She shakes her tushie and dances to the ABC song played by our fridge magnet.
She is fascinated by the telephone -- she loves when I put my sister or mom on speaker. She walks around house with a plastic cell phone chattering away. She also has a plastic purse (a gift from a friend), and she carries it around with her phone like she's a big girl.
Whenever she is given a stuffed animal or baby doll, she puts it on her shoulder and pats its back and says "Hi Baby!"
She still signs "more" and "please," though "please" usually needs a reminder.
She still insists on having the same book read to her 15 times in a row, and its hard to distract her from it if that's what she wants. She happily anticipates the animal noise or movement or whatever that's coming on the next page. I've noticed that she alternates from looking at the pages to looking at my lips ... maybe to see how I say the words?
The tantrums... the oh my god so dramatic tantrums. Just... wow.
Word most often spoken: UP-EEE.
She's a pretty good sleeper and decent napper, which I hope will continue in the coming weeks

MILP #248: The Monkees

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 19:29:00 +0000

The Weekly MILP (Moms In the Legal Profession) Roundup is hosted on a rotating basis among several blogs. Next week is Ptlawmom. We aim for Sunday posts.

All right, ladies. I'm going for another music theme. Growing up, I watched reruns of the Monkees television show. I bought the "Then and Now" cassette when it came out in ... (quick Wikipedia search) ... 1986 (holy shit!! really??) and played it incessantly. Since Davy Jones died, I figured the time had come to try this theme. So here's a theme based on the titles of songs off that album. There's some doubling up here...

Daydream Believer. Wild Northwest Litigator welcomes Baby Ryan!!
Pleasant Valley Sunday. Lag Liv and Atty Work Product on Easter fun-times and cuteness.
A Little Bit Me, A Little Bit You. Izzie feels like she's been pregnant for over two years, and thanks to nursing, her body hasn't been her own in a loong time. Yeah...
Sometime In The Morning. K Marks the Spot ... 2:00ish in the morning, actually.
The Girl I Knew Somewhere. But I do have a law degree... and the voice of the SAHM.
You Just May Be The One. And you know what else has found a new BFF.
What Am I Doing Hangin’ Round. Googie wants out of the legal profession.
I’m A Believer. Kate thinks believers deserve respect; Reluctant Grownup enjoyed Holy Week
Words. Alice and Dinei on toddlerspeak.
Goin’ Down. Atty at Large takes on sinus infections... and jackasses.
Listen To The Band. (but don't illegally download the songs or images for profit), amiright Legally Ceritfiable? (I am.)
That Was Then, This Is Now. Butterflyfish on possibly losing her job.*
She. Mommy Madness, feminism and cuteness.
Anytime, Anyplace, Anywhere. Juliet & the contagious disease central that is daycare.
Take a Giant Step. Welcome pregnant fledgling lawyer, You Will Have a Bright Future (we need a shorter name!) to the roundup, who is taking a giant step into mommyhood of a boy.

Bummed I couldn't work in Last Train to Clarksville cuz its been stuck in my head ever since I started this roundup.

* (I never include myself, but it totally fit)

_________________________
The regular hostesses of the MILP Roundup, currently, are: Butterflyfish, Ptlawmom, Attorney Work Product, Attorney at Large, Kate (Today & Tomorrow), Magic Cookie (CM), and Reluctant Grownup. Check here each week and I'll direct you to the post. Pinky promise!!

Rug still gone...

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 23:11:00 +0000

... but I'm ok. Didn't even cry today.

I have an awesome husband, adorable kids, and a baby on the way.

I have some solid credentials, great references, excellent work experience, a working knowledge of civil litigation and a number of areas of substantive law on the civil side (and some substantive criminal law, though not so much on the crim procedure truth be told).

Once I know my status for certain, I have a good network of people that I can call on to start looking out for potential jobs for me. Til then, I've decided I'm not going to worry til I know I have to.

I am super cute (ok, that's just because of the belly and therefore is temporary, but still).

It could just be that I ate pizza for dinner (yummm!! its been a while!!) and am high from the piece of left over Easter candy I ate for dessert (I have shown remarkable control with my allotted 5 Cadbury caramel eggs), but I feel more like counting my blessings than worrying about the unknown right now.

Rug pulled

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 02:19:00 +0000

I've been happily awaiting my last day of work, which is tomorrow. I haven't looked at this day with sadness or dread at all because, based on every discussion I had with my boss, I had a job to come back to. I haven't said goodbye to anyone because I'm just going out on maternity leave... I'll be back in a few months. And won't it be great!! Yay!!

Today I was told that, well, maybe I won't have a job to come back to.

I'll be blunt. This fucking sucks. I've made plans for daycare etc. starting in September on the promise of a secure re-start date. Now, maybe not. Now, maybe I have to spend my leave looking for a job. And interviewing. And potentially facing decisions like taking a job that starts before I was ready to return to work. And that's in the best case scenario... because the worst case scenario is that, come September, I won't have a job.

AND I'll have blown our (carefully built but meager) savings by paying for a part-time slot at Angelfish's daycare between now and September in order to assure full time spots for both girls come this fall. Which, if I'm unemployed, I'll have to give up anyway.

Baby girl is coming on Wednesday, ready or not. I was feeling a little not ready before my employment situation got turned upside down. (A 'little not ready' = Bullshark's on Reserves... I have the kids alone all weekend... what if I go into labor? ... I still haven't packed a bag... I'd better go through the newborn clothes and pick out the spring stuff... is there any spring stuff? ... how the hell do we generate this much laundry in two weeks? Basically, a somewhat stressful, but manageable, situation.)

My employment was the one thing I wasn't worried about.

And now I kind of want to cry ... and I really don't want to go in tomorrow, feeling like I'm gonna cry.

___________________________________
(No, no, lawyer friends. No violations of the law or anything here -- I still get every minute of my unpaid "leave" if I want it. Its just that I have a term position... if I take my full leave, my term will expire while I'm out. I was under the impression -- hell, I was told -- that I was coming back for another term. Today I was told that no decisions have been made. So while it may all work out, nothing is as assured as I have believed that it was....)

MILP #247

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 10:53:00 +0000

Attorney At Large had it.

Goal for the week... post something other than MILP updates!!

Here next... I think!

MILP #246

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 10:34:00 +0000

Magic Cookie had it.

Attorney at Large is next.