Butterflyfish

Jotting

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Wed, 02 Sep 2015 18:07:00 +0000

Clownfish, my son, turned 11 years old this week. Eleven. I don't even know how that is possible. I mean, I'm not tall, but he's almost as tall as me. I am so so blessed by him, truly. He's such a good boy -- smart and talented and friendly with a sarcastic, dry wit. He's also anxious and sensitive and I can't help feel like that's my fault. I find that I'm too often sharp and critical in ways that I don't like. Still working on it for both of our sakes.

Angelfish is now 4 and a half. The half is important. She has strong opinions, likes to give the right answer first, and can command a small army of friends to direct at play. She is currently into Octonauts and wants to know everything about sea creatures. Her teachers have used words to describe her behavior like bossy and interrupt. I'm choosing to think of it as leadership potential and assertive. But she has a tone in her voice when she tells her sister to do something. It sounds a little too much like the worst of me.

Lionfish is home sick today, the poor thing. She's 3 and almost 1/2. She and AF are now in the same preschool class. It is actually working out pretty well. Next year will be hard because they'll be in separate schools. This summer she became obsessed with an episode of Backyardigans where Pablo was an evil villain who controlled robots to get whatever he wanted. His name was Professor Bug. His key song s "I get whatever I want." Long story short, Lionfish now has her own Professor Bug costume (homemade) and went as a villain to super hero day at school. I think I aptly named her for the blog, don't you?

I turn 40 in about a month. Forty. FOUR. TEE. I mean, I know I'm not 20 anymore. Dear God people, have you hung out with a 20 year old lately? *shudder* But I remember when my mom was 40, and I just don't ... ok, yeah. I can see it.

This blog turns ten next spring. I don't feel like I've been doing this for almost 1/4 of my life. I feel like law school was just a little while ago. But I have classmates who have been in the profession long enough to be considered acknowledged authorities on a subject, or who have gone in-house, or who have opened up their own well-regarded shop, or who have made partner. There are judges younger than me. So yeah, it has been that long for real.

I'm not doing anything like that. I mean, most days I like my job, but I sometimes wonder whether it is enough. I am not beating my head against the wall for justice or even helping clients, and I think maybe I'd have more satisfaction if I were. But then again, maybe not. I have sick kid today, and I can sit here and type a blog post while she naps. That's not nothing.

We have water in the basement in places where water should not be. If you have the option to not have water in your basement, pick that option. I would not recommend this to anyone.

I am cooking eggplant tonight. Allegedly. It is really really hot today, though.

More pie

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Fri, 17 Jul 2015 02:15:00 +0000

I have been super busy at work. Like, taking work home and skipping lunch busy. I know that can be the norm for many attorneys, but part of the reason I do what I do is so that it's not the norm for me.
But. Here we are. The award for killing it in the pie eating contest is more pie.
Not complaining.
Not unhappy.
It's just the state of things at the moment.
It won't last forever.
But I really should get better at packing healthy snacks I can eat at my desk. Woman cannot live on coffee alone.

Weekend

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Mon, 18 May 2015 01:10:00 +0000

Bullshark and Clownfish went to his super early soccer game. The team tied. It rained. I dozed on the couch.

Later, the rain stopped and we went on a family hike in a state park. We hiked all the way around a small lake. We've never been to this park, and it is in our town, so we felt kind of dumb that it took us this long for us to get there. Most of our family hikes in state parks end in us changing impulsively to a more advanced trail, followed by an ill advised descent down a rocky terrain.The girls are real troopers. Highlight was finding a frog and scrambling over rocks.

Ran errands.

Today, we took the kids mini-golfing. Lionfish loved picking up the ball, putting it near the hole, and hitting it in. She declared many holes in one.

Went out for ice cream.

Did lots of laundry.

Watched two Disney movies (Tangled and Princess and the Frog.) (This is how I make breakfast in peace. Don't judge me!!!)

Good weekend. I need more of these.

Bah

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Sat, 09 May 2015 01:53:00 +0000

Had a few opportunities to shine at work in front of important people. The work product itself was excellent. But I flubbed the interpersonal. First opportunity, I had a spasmotic coughing fit and had to leave a big meeting before it was over to find my inhaler and not die. Meeting broke up before I got back. The second opportunity -- smaller group, more talking -- I was just sort of awkward and inadvertently criticized someone.

Reality: probably no one noticed or care about the coughing thing -- I felt it coming and excused myself to the hallway before it started in earnest; probably no one perceived me as awkward as I perceived myself, and I apologized immediately for the misunderstanding perceived as criticism so it was probably no big deal. People really do think less about you than you think they do.

But my internal monologue just keeps telling me that I suck and that I should just crawl back into my cubicle and not attempt to talk to people.

What you're missing

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Wed, 29 Apr 2015 01:05:00 +0000

Some things from the twitter.

(Angelfish) 4 year old just told me that love is stronger than anger. #wisdom
(April 26)

(Angelfish) "Hans you are a bad guy. You want to kill Anna. And Elsa. I want you to be allergic to something and I give that to you."
(April 18)

(Lionfish) Almost 3 yo, apropos of nothing: mommy did you know that horsies poop? big poop!

(April 10)

Again with the Frozen:

Could say: "Elsa, fear is your greatest enemy. But love will help you keep those powers under control." Doesn't. Elder Troll is an asshole.

(April 4)

I love how the bad guy in Mulan never acknowledges she's a girl. He calls her the soldier from the mountains. Gender matters not. Ass kicked

(Mar. 28)

Clownfish scored in the top 5 in school science fair and is moving onto the state competition. Big week for him.

(Mar. 25)

Lionfish and gleeful defiance:

Me: Wear PJ pants. It's cold.

LF: pouts.

Next morning: "Mommy when you closed door last night I took off my pants!" *naked legs!*

(Mar 24)

Angelfish again:

My four year old uses the word splendid now. She's deep in princess manners mode. It confuses and frightens me.

(Mar. 15)

My son is struggling to hit a high F with his trumpet this morning. My neighbors love me.

(Mar. 10, at 7 a.m.)

Me!:

I hate everyone and everything. *looks at calendar* Oh good, it's PMS induced irrational rage day!

(Mar. 2)

Transcript lines of the day:

Judge: *long debate short* Don't say it to jury.

Self-rep criminal defendant, to jury: I'm name, private attorney general.

Judge: *headdesk*

(Feb. 8)

Hmmm

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Fri, 24 Apr 2015 01:40:00 +0000

I drafted a post. Updates on the kids, me, work drama. Before I hit publish it occurred to me to ask ... who am I writing this for? The blog has ceased to be any kind of good record of life with the kids. The few readers I have are also my Facebook friends (who see the shiny side of my life) and twitter followers (who see my bouts with self-doubt, anger, selfishness, stupidity, and occasional humor).

A few of my fellow MILP bloggers are still at it, and I try to read (and even occasionally get comments to work on my phone).

But I don't know whether I have anything left to say here.

Sooo, six months later

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Thu, 08 Jan 2015 19:03:00 +0000

I am still alive.

My kids & husband are fine.

So, here's the deal. I don't presently have a laptop or other device from which I can conveniently blog. But that's only part of it. Blogging became less of a priority. I mean, obviously. Cobwebs around here. From over 100 posts per year, to 23(!?) in 2014, most of which were MILP roundup links before it just ... stopped. Yeah.

But ... I miss it. I miss my bloggy friends, even though the best of you are also my Facebook friends. I miss having a place where I catalog the mundane and wonderful and terrible moments of motherhood. I never did develop a good way to write about my job or the law in general in way that felt both authentic and safe, but I miss the idea of that writing.

Work continues to be deeply unsatisfying, but my youngest daughter woke up with a fever and I was able to stay home today without a moment's hesitation, so I have too much to be grateful for to complain. Pip pip chin up and all that.

This isn't a comeback. But it isn't a farewell either. It's an update.

Lionfish is awake from her nap.

Be well.

Happenings: Me edition

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Wed, 09 Jul 2014 01:04:00 +0000

After ten years in this house, we are finally attempting a kitchen remodel. It's a good thing too, because the dishwasher and refrigerator broke in the same week. It's as if the entire house is screaming "enough already!" Pretty damn exciting around here. Sure, our fridge is in the dining room and we're pretty much grilling and/or toasting, but exciting.

* * *
We're in week two of a different CSA this year. Also, because June was just gorgeous, we have the most awesome garden we ever have grown. We have tomato plants over five feet tall and covered in green fruit, as well as cucumber and zucchini plants with blossoms. Bullshark even through in some new things, like celery and radishes. And everything is taking off. Right now, we have lots of lettuce in the fridge. A LOT. Lettuce with sliced almonds and craisins and red wine vinaigrette dressing has been my go to lunch for days, and yet, there is always more lettuce.

* * *
I'm on my summer 7:30 to 4 schedule and my commute/work life is so much more tolerable now.

* * *
There is a rumor of a possibility of a job opening sometime in the near future -- a job I would like a lot, but one that would result in a substantial pay cut and not much more in the way of work-life balance or other trade offs. At least, I am pretty sure it would be a pay cut, but I am attempting to gather intel. Stay tuned.

* * *
Speaking of the job, my new duties as Project Manager of (something huge) have taken off. It's nice to be the go to person for something, but I don't get paid any more for the extra hassle, and the work is often mid-numbingly awful. Pretty much everyone I tell about my new responsibilities (even when I put my post positive spin on it) says "ugh better you than me." Yay me. Regardless of whether I apply for something new, I'd want to see this through to the end ... the same grim determination that kept me from running screaming from the classroom each day during my final year of teaching, I suppose.

* * *
I've gained weight. Like a lot. Not all of it. But a lot. This makes me sad.

* * *
Iced coffee regular. I still love it.

* * *
I discovered hard apple cider. Angry Orchard Crisp Apple. Summer in a bottle.

* * *
Tweets, from the twitter:

Coworker who has been out sick for a week stumbles into my office & sticks out tongue to show me that its swollen/coated so I can tell boss. So inappropriate, so gross, and now I am wiping everything in sight with Lysol wipes. Ewwww.

My mom visited and brought wine... white Zinfandel like its 1997 and I don't know any better. Ahh memories.

Transcript line of the day. Divorce case. Judge: I don't watch reality television but seriously ... have you two applied for your own show?

Continuing saga of 'who let me mom on Facebook': At three a.m. she is liking photos I posted in 2009.

Ever have one of those moments when you're like WHEN DID I BECOME THIS? My Sunday: Soccer, play date at park, Target, driving a minivan.

Why do i bother doing dishes when they're only getting used again tomorrow? I mean I probably have a weeks worth of clean wine glasses so...

MILP #353: Dollar Short Edition

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Tue, 01 Jul 2014 00:48:00 +0000

Week ending June 29.

The Weekly MILP (Moms In the Legal Profession) Roundup is exactly what it sounds like. We're moms. We're lawyers. We blog. And a rotating group of fabulous hostesses rounds it all up each week.

This Roundup is a day late. And I often feel a dollar short. So I'm calling it a theme.

Magic Cookie. The terror of the day late when you're not planning on a third kid.
Mommy & Sin City. Bank manager training leaving her feeling wanting.
Shannon. Seven hours in a car, kid-free. And money on the highway.
FOTD. The rooms of happy kids never look like the Pottery Barn catalog.

Lag Liv. Investment: Best. Cammo Pants. EVAR!! Also, kid awesomeness.

A little harder to fit in the theme, but here are other posts of the week:

Queen of Hats. These milestones need their own book. Some serious TRUTH up in here.
Daisy. Busy week, hopefully followed by some lazy time.
Dinei. Lactating is funny. Pizza is delicious.
Alice. No sick days for a mom.

Kate. Time for reflection and answering the "what do I want to do" question.

RG Wraps up June with kid pics and birthdays.

Grace: Two years post-op checkup for Lis.

HBE. Stay Baby. 24 weeks.

Apologies for missing anyone. Will attempt to post something of substance soon. You can always find me on Twitter -- I can post quickly from my phone, which I just can't do here. And my basement computer (where I am writing this) is on its last legs. This post has crashed three times since I started drafting.

The weekly Mothers In the Legal Profession Roundup is hosted on a rotating basis at the Butterflyfish, Grace, BJJ, Law, and Living, Mommy and the Sin City, Magic Cookie,The Reluctant Grownup, and Perspectives of a Hard Boiled Egg blogs.

MILP #352

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Mon, 23 Jun 2014 23:54:00 +0000

Perspectives of a Hard Boiled Egg had this one.

MILP #351

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Sun, 15 Jun 2014 23:53:00 +0000

Reluctant Grownup had the Roundup for the week ending June 15.

(Backdating)

MILP #350

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Mon, 09 Jun 2014 23:51:00 +0000

Magic Cookie had an "in her own words" version for the week ending June 8.

(Backdating)

MILP #349

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Tue, 03 Jun 2014 01:30:00 +0000

Mommy and Sin City had the Roundup for the week ending June 1.

MILP #347

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Wed, 28 May 2014 01:23:00 +0000

Grace had it

MILP #348

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Mon, 26 May 2014 01:32:00 +0000

Kate had the Roundup for the week ending May 25.

More mini-posts

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Sun, 18 May 2014 01:52:00 +0000

I took one of my daughters out for special day today. (I was visiting friends for brunch out of town.) I really couldn't bring both, and I thought the older one would handle the travel etc. better than the other. And she did, and we had a lovely day. But more than once AF said "I miss LF, she would have loved this!" And, back home, LF wasn't crying, but she did inquire after her sister a few times. I really hope this sister-friend thing continues.

* * *

My mom is on facebook now and it is both hilarious and frustrating. She recently got a tablet and we got wireless internet all hooked up in her home. She can barely use the tablet, but, at all hours, she goes through old photos on my page and that of each of my siblings and hits "like." Hundreds of "like" notifications over the past few weeks ... on photos from as far back as 2007. At 2 a.m.

She called me yesterday absolutely horrified at the "language" her son, the teacher, was using on his page. She was prepared t call him and tell him off. A few questions later, I discovered that he regularly likes/shares posts from a page called "I fucking love science." So, yeah, not his language.

Also, she has randomly "checked in" at donut shops. She denies she ever having been to one.

* * *

I got a ticket this week. Speeding has been alleged. I deny all of the elements of the offense and leave the state to its proof.

* * *

You know what tastes crazy good? Grilled cheese and whole grain mustard.

Also, collared greens with bacon and apple cider vinegar.

Mini-posts

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Mon, 12 May 2014 10:00:00 +0000

I considered applying for a law firm job. There was an opening for an associate at a firm that I respect doing work I would like. And then my son got sick. We've had multiple iterations of stomach bugs and a step/sinus infection thing in the last two weeks. And, several times, I was able to drop everything and go home and take care of him and not have to think of work again until I returned. And that is not insignificant.

I didn't apply.

* * *

Mother's Day Loot:
Breakfast at a diner, playground on the beach, hearing "I did it Mommy" multiple times (my favorite words), chocolate covered strawberries (shared, of course), bakery salted caramel shortbread cookies (shared but husband got a separate stash just for me!), a basil plant and some red flowers for the garden, minimal arguing, several loads of laundry, playing Thomas trains, more playground time, ice cream, and Chipotle for dinner. Oh, and uninterrupted time to write the roundup and this post.
In short: I made out like a bandit.

* * *

I have been a fan of Alton Brown for a long time. He has started a web series airing weekly on Youtube. They are super short videos, but really have the Good Eats vibe. It's my new favorite Internet thing. Cook Smart.

* * *

I keep hearing that we're in some sort of golden age of television. But I haven't seen almost any of the shows that people are talking about, like Mad Men or Breaking Bad. I have seen some of Orphan Black though. There's some hella talented acting going on there.

* * *

We may actually, finally, be undertaking a kitchen remodel. The biggest source of disagreement between my husband and I has nothing to do with paint colors or cabinet knobs. It is whether or not we should involve my father in the project. Balancing money against marital / family harmony.

* * *

Highly fictionalized account of something that may or may not have actually happened.
Male Attorney: Butterflyfish, you're a girl and I am a boy.
Me: Yep.
Male Attorney: I think photocopying is menial and totally beneath me.
Me: Yep.
Male Attorney: Would you photocopy these for me?
Me: Nope.
Male Attorney: Okay, I'll only talk to you about attorney things from now on.
Me: *mental high five to myself*

MILP #346: Happy Mother's Day

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Mon, 12 May 2014 01:09:00 +0000

The Weekly MILP (Moms In the Legal Profession) Roundup is exactly what it sounds like. We're moms. We're lawyers. We blog. And a rotating group of fabulous hostesses rounds it all up each week.

Note to all that my comments are getting eaten on people's blogs. Been using my husband's computer cuz mine died. I kind of don't know how to work it. I am still out there, reading, I swear.

Happy Mother's Day to a fine group of excellent ladies. I am privileged to know you. You inspire me.

Roundup for the week ending 5/11/14, Mother's Day.

Dinei. Boys. Plural. Still in awe of that. Pictures are a treat. Click.
Full of the Dickens. The promises we make (and break) and the moments in between.
RG. Pics. Boys. Running. Stingrays.
Grace. Losing a friend, and someone else's mother.
Kate. The family of superbaby and Kate were brought together, right when each needed the other.
Lag Liv had a few great posts, sprinkled with adorable pictures, this week. But Cora in sunglasses?Yes please.
Alice and a sweet mothering moment.
Frenchie and first trimester coping.
CM also had multiple posts this week but I linked this one because it had more of the boys in it, and I am sort of trying something of a theme here. So impressed with her taking on the swim lessons, though.
Daisy. Working Mom Guilt. Yes. This.
HBE (my short form for Perspectives of a Hard Boiled Egg... I hope she like it). Food. But there is totally a mom connection. you'll see.

(It's an older post, but I just wanted to say so long and thanks to LEO.)

I invariably missed some -- I have to get Queen of Hats into my blogroll for example -- but any omission is inadvertent.

The weekly Mothers In the Legal Profession Roundup presently is hosted on a rotating basis at the Butterflyfish, Grace, BJJ, Law, and Living, Mommy and the Sin City, Magic Cookie, The Reluctant Grownup, and Perspectives of a Hard Boiled Egg blogs.

MILP #345

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Wed, 07 May 2014 17:57:00 +0000

Perspectives of a Hard Boiled Egg in her Roundup debut.

MILP #344

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Fri, 02 May 2014 20:28:00 +0000

RG had it.
And I was even included because I posted.
Go me.

The Baby is Two

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Mon, 28 Apr 2014 01:04:00 +0000

Lionfish turned two years old on April 18 and she is just amazing.
I miss having a baby baby, but I have always loved the toddler years, so I am not as heartbroken as you might think. When she turns 4, expect me to fully lose it. Thoughts on my littlest girl...
Lionfish is so funny, full of laughter and sweetness. She hugs with her whole body.
She has a sense of humor about herself -- at the end of one of her Sandra Boynton books, it asks "It's all quiet now. What do you say?" And she says "[LF] say no no no no!" No, of course, is a favorite word. Other words include applesauce, yogurt, snackie, cookie, nummy (which means another or more), and "I do it."
She has so many more words than that -- I find myself having conversations with her and stopping cold, like wait... when did you learn to talk?!?!?
She loves pullup diapers and is doing some self-directed "potty training" in the sense that she likes to pull down the diaper and sit on the potty, and occasionally pee if the timing is right, but doesn't actually listen to her body in any meaningful way.
She loves books (finally) and loves to sit on my lap and read books with her sister sitting next to us.
She is at the age where music is everything -- she can sing the entire ABC song and a bunch of others. She loves Pharrell's song Happy. Loves, loves. We play the video each night before she goes to bed and she dances and does quite a few of the moves from the video.

Conversations with LF:
Me: Lionfish are you a big girl? Her: No I a puppy! Woof!

AF: I want to wear a dress today mommy. Can I please please please?? LF: Dess too! Pockets! Purple!

(takes out CF's old Thomas trains) LF: All aboard CHOO CHOO!

Me: Hold my hand we're in a parkinglot. LF: NO! (sits down in traffic, goes limp, plays 1960s protestor)

AF: OWWWW! Mommy LF hit me with a book. Me: LF, say you're sorry to your sister.
LF: No. (runs away)

Me: OWWWW! (she bit my finger without warning yesterday) LF: I sorry. Sorry mommy.

The following conversations used to go much differently, as you will be able to see, but I think the message has finally gotten through to her:

Me: Do you want to play with your playdoh? LF: No eat! Not food!
Me: Do you want to color with crayons? LF: No eat! Not food!
Me: Do you want a hair clip? LF: No eat! Not food!

MILP #343

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Mon, 21 Apr 2014 19:08:00 +0000

Magic Cookie had it for week ending 4/20.
(Backdating.)

(Re-titled because miscounted.)

You would think I would know better by now

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Tue, 15 Apr 2014 02:00:00 +0000

But you would be wrong.

I passed up an opportunity to apply for a transfer / promotion at work. I talked myself out of applying because it was in the same building (i.e. no change in commute), I wasn't sure I'd like the new work, and, deep down, I was afraid of failing because I had convinced myself there was no way I'd be hired over [at least two applicants I knew who had been there longer].

And then a good friend of mine who had been in the system exactly as long as I had, applied, and got it.

I am super happy for her -- she totally deserves it and is going to be awesome. The work is definitely right up her alley whereas, for me, it would have been fitting a square peg into a round hole. (Then again, I am the square peg in my current job too.) It made me realize that I probably would have been a competitive candidate, had I thrown my hat into the ring.

I am Leaning In all over the place at work -- I have volunteered to take on new responsibilities since a co-worker left and have been rocking them (so far). But I am my own biggest obstacle to my own advancement. See, e.g., this post. That's right, newer readers. I've done this before.

I really do believe things work out the way they are supposed to. I am not unhappy about this development. It just means I am available when the square peg opportunity arises, right?

The 33% raise would have been pretty effing sweet though.

(Yeah. That's right. That much. I know... I'm an idiot.)

MILP #342

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Mon, 14 Apr 2014 02:01:00 +0000

Mommy and the Sin City debuts here.

(Sorry for backdating!)

MILP #341

noreply@blogger.com (Butterflyfish) — Mon, 07 Apr 2014 02:04:00 +0000

Kate had this Roundup.
She has been all over keeping this thing going, and I am grateful.
(Backdated)