A Little ♥ and Soul

Dear Momma

2020-07-04T22:49:00.001-07:00

Dear Momma,

How is it that you've been gone 21 years today? There are pictures of you that were taken when you were sick that I don't like to look at very often. Mostly because you are noticeably thinner and you can tell that the jaundice is starting to set in. And you look so sad. I think we all look a little sad in those pictures because we knew that the end was near.

In my 39 years on earth, I didn't think that you would be gone for more than half of it. I didn't think I'd missing you this much either but there are little things that happen during my day that remind of you. Sometimes those little memories make me smile and sometimes I'm so overcome with a soul crushing sadness that I have to swallow the lump in my throat so I can keep going on with my day. Today, though, I'm sitting in the emotion of wishing that you were here.

It sucks. It's completely unfair that you were taken. It's unfair that the doctors didn't find the cancer sooner. It's unfair that life kept moving on without you. I've had my hand over the jar that holds my happiness and unspeakable joy. It has barely anything in it because I don't know if I can bare to be happy or experience unspeakable joy without sharing those experiences with you.

These proverbial emotional walls I have up around me have been insurmountable. I didn't think anyone would have the patience to wait for me to throw over a rope for them to scale the wall or to simply leave the knob-less door open a smidge. Right now I'm literally leaning my head against the door from the safe side of the wall while someone leans against the other side waiting for me to open up a little. Do I let them in? Will they hurt me? What do I do? My dear mother, you would have the answers. You would give me direction in this moment because you experienced this with your own father. The one picture I have of you and him, you look happy. Maybe a little apprehensive, but happy. I need you here to hold my hand and tell me it's going to be okay and that this person won't break my heart. And if they do, I need you here to tell me that it'll be okay.

Mom, I miss you something fierce tonight. I yearn for those missed experiences that I was supposed to have with you as an adult. Sometimes, when I think of you, the smile on my face gets a little goofy because I know exactly how you'd act when a certain song play. Sometimes, I drown in the memory because it makes me so sad.

Tonight, I'm drowning.

Good Gravy

2020-06-21T23:16:00.001-07:00

So I just wrote another blog post over here. I've actually been posting there a little more there than I do here. Obviously. I like the layout I have there. And so far it has been anonymous. I don't know why I even started to write there other than I liked the layouts that were available. I was working graveyard shifts at the time and I guess I was bored enough to start a new blog where I knew I could keep it a little private.

But now that you know...I guess I can't do that anymore. Not that I have a huge audience here on dear ol' Blogger anyway. I don't know many people who even read blogs anymore. It's all about YouTube and Instagram and TikTok.

Whatever.

Anyway, go wander on over there. I don't feel like rehashing...or cutting and pasting...my WordPress blog over here. It's late. I have to work in the morning. And it has been a long day. But I got to see Greg. You'll have to go over there for more titillating reading about Greg.

Not that there's much information on him there, anyway. It's just more than here.

Go. Read. You know you want to.

k.bye.thx.

It's Okay to Be Sad

2020-01-09T20:38:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in my room nursing a 7-up because I ate too much cheese with my dinner. Being lactose sensitive, edging on completely intolerant, totally sucks. Sometimes dairy doesn't bother my stomach too much, but I guess eating cheese on a completely empty stomach wasn't the greatest idea but damn, that artichoke and spinach cheese dip was delicious. Was it worth it in the end? Meh..I could go either way at the moment. I just had a memory pop up of my first swig of raw cow milk. It was delicious and totally didn't make my stomach hurt.

Anyhow, at lot has been swirling around my brain as of late. Here is a bullet list of the swirling mess:

When I left UVU a little over 10 years ago, my GPA was a 1.95. When I came back in the fall I had to fill out a satisfactory academic progress (SAP) report thing to 1.) get my financial aid released, and 2.) promise to get a C or better for the remainder of my time at UVU. Well, I barely got a D in sociology 1010 class in the fall. Somehow I forgot that I needed a higher grade to continue without filling out another SAP. When I realized that I tore myself up mentally. Like how the hell could I do that to myself? Why didn't I try harder? Why didn't I ask for help? Why am I such a loser? Even now, I'm a little tender about it, but I figured I'd sign up for another sociology 1010 class with a different professor who doesn't have as many students in their class. A few days before Christmas I found out that since I got a D in that first sociology class, I had to fill out another SAP and explain why I got a D and what will change to ensure that I'd get a better grade this time around. I didn't do a great job on the first explanation so I had to re-submit the form. Because of the holidays, my SAP wasn't reviewed till the Saturday before the semester started in which whoever reviewed my first explanation told me that I needed to re-do the whole thing. My tuition is due in less than a week and I'm waiting on Financial Aid to review my file. In the meantime, if by some miracle I do get another chance to prove myself, I'm slowly falling behind in my reading assignments for my classes. I don't have the money to buy textbooks much less pay for tuition. My leftover financial aid also pays for my student Amazon Prime. That can hopefully be remedied by my dad since it's $60 for the year and he enjoys watching Prime now that he's retired.
While I wait for my fate to be decided by the financial aid office gods, I have to weigh my options. Do I go back to BYU-I where my GPA is much higher? Do I take a class at a time at UVU, pay out of pocket while working full-time somewhere while I try to raise my GPA to a suitable standard? Do I even want to go into behavioral sciences? I would absolutely have to go to grad school to get a masters to get to where I would want to with a behavioral science degree. If I stop at a bachelors in behavioral science, the only jobs really available are the ones I've worked before for barely more than minimum wage. And every GPA calculator I've looked up with my sceanario all say that it'll take approximately 154 additional credits for me to raise my GPA to grad school bare standards. There are grad school programs where the GPA is a 2.0, but
Along the BYU-I thought process, the only reason I transferred back to UVU was because BYU-I did away with my major. It had something to do with accreditation for the online degree or something like that. Starting in April, BYU-I will be launching a new applied health bachelors degree program which is what I wanted to do before they did away with my initial degree.
As far as I can see - which is limited because I'm human - I have two options. Option 1: If financial aid does come through this semester, work my ass off to improve my GPA and finish at UVU in behavioral science but change my concentration to either anthropology or family science because sociology is apparently not working for me right now. Option 2: If financial aid doesn't come through, reapply to BYU-I and get into the applied health program and finish there. Work my ass off to keep my GPA at or above a 3.0 GPA just in case I want to go to grad school. Between now and September when fall semester starts, get a job so I don't feel like a freaking scrub (thanks to TLC for giving me the right word to use there.).

Anyway, that is the messy web of thoughts swirling around my head. I haven't really told anyone because I don't do well with emotions. I'm embarrassed. I'm frustrated with myself. I'm sad that I didn't try harder. While all this messiness is causing grief and frustration, I've had numerous moments of God, or the universe, telling me to remember who I am. I found this quote by Neil Gaiman who said, "Finish things just whatever it takes to finish. Finish. And then get on with the next one. You will learn more from a glorious failure than you ever will from something you've never finished." That quote came to me after I fasted on Sunday about the predicament I'm in. I was sure that I was going to get an audible answer or an overwhelming feeling of what I'm supposed to do. When I didn't get an immediate answer, I found this quote the next day on Pinterest. I had every intention of throwing in the towel but then I thought to myself, "Fine, I'll finish. But what happens if financial aid doesn't come through? What then??" The other two quotes I found also spoke to me.

Fine! I'm breathing. I just need someone to tell me what to do. Make the choice for me. I outlined two options that seem to be the most logical - other than throwing in the towel and completely quitting. At the moment, I just want to mope around and feel sorry for myself. But I expect so much more from myself that I need to get out of this funk. I'm capable of doing and being more. At the same time though, I need to be okay with feeling these uncomfortable feelings instead of brushing them off and ignoring them.

Anyway, I've thought about this as well, going back to BYU-I will also help me in my spiritual goals as well. These past couple years it has been hard for me to make myself go to church. Between not having a job to make myself accountable to and procrastinating school assignments to the wee hours of the mornings, I just let myself get off schedule and I wasn't accountable to anyone. I really need a part job to make this all happen. I also need to stop making excuses for why I don't go to my own ward.

Wish me luck.

Every Damn Year

2019-11-30T00:07:00.000-08:00

Every year around this time I start getting this little ache inside my chest. It kind of feels like you're homesick for someone who isn't there. As my mom's birthday approaches I start feeling homesick for her. I wish I could say that living life without her gets easier but it doesn't; in all reality I've learned to live with the dull ache that comes in waves.

I would give anything to have her here again.

Missing my mom comes in waves.

And today I'm drowning.

Mother

2019-05-12T04:54:00.002-07:00

I feel like a broken record here on dear ol' blog. I write about my mom. A lot. Today in the United States is Mother's Day. This is year 20 that I haven't had my mom here on earth to celebrate her. We got to celebrate her one last time before she died 53 days later. I take the time to remember her on her birth and death dates (coincidentally, my sister and mom share the same day of birth.) but Mother's Day is always hard for me. I kind of gloss over the day all together and now that I'm sitting in the dark without my mom I'm sad. This year on July 4th my mom will have been gone 20 years. She has been gone for more than half my life.

I don't remember doing anything especially out of the ordinary for my mom on Mother's Day when I was younger. Looking back I wish I wasn't such a selfish kid or at least paid more attention to special days to celebrate my mom. A year or two before my mom died, she wrote me a letter for Valentines Day. I think she knew something was going to happen where I would need that letter in my life. I haven't read it in year but almost every time I'm cleaning out my closet or moving (which usually happens at the same time) I find the letter and read it and it makes me miss her even more. She was proud of the fact that I spent some time teaching my sister some song for some church thing and that I taught myself to play the piano. I don't recall what else the letter said but I find peace in the fact that she was proud of talent I worked on developing as well as practicing more patience with my sister.

As a single adult in my late 30s, I get overwhelmed at the thought of having children of my own. My uterus started to scream one day in my mid-30s and I kind of freaked out. The screaming uterus episode was cured by spending time helping my sister in law with my nieces and nephew. I don't think I'll ever birth a child of my own, but I hope to adopt some day. Being a parent is an overwhelming thought so I'm going to stop thinking about it...

I miss my mom every day but Mother's Day makes it especially hard.

I love you mom. I wish you were here.

Late...As Usual

2018-08-09T06:40:00.000-07:00

So, turns out that I'm not so great at posting on here as I once was. I was even late to post my once yearly Dear Mom post. I really have no excuses other than I've been out of school for almost 3 weeks now since I started going full-time in January. I'm pretty sure the last time I posted anything was in October of last year.

Anyway, let's play catch up!

I started school full-time in January at BYU-Idaho's online program. I completed 28 credits this year. I'm ready for a break.
The accreditation for the public health degree program changed but the changes only apply for the on-campus students and not the online students - aka me. So I'm going to have to transfer schools...again.
I've been looking at grad programs in Portland, Oregon. Portland calls my name at least once a year, and I always research reasons to move back. The first time I moved there I was under prepared. I moved with the wrong person. When I move back, I'll be done with school and I'll be going on my own.
I'm type 2 diabetic. I've been eating better. I've been eating less. The medication I'm taking makes me sick on a consistent basis. It has been a perpetual party. I'm starting to think the food poisoning I had last week was really the one medication I'm taking that makes me sick making me super super sick that particular day. I lost 5+ pounds that day. It was horrible. I tell you...it has been a perpetual party.
I went to California with my dad, my older brother and his family last October. Universal Studios California was on the list of things to do so I went with my dad and niece. Our first stop was The Wizarding World of Harry Potter...of course. I'm pretty sure the Butterbeer raised my blood glucose level a million points, but the 5 miles we walked made up for it. Kind of.
I made my annual visit to the beach while we were in Southern California. It was beautiful. I also made my annual visit to the cemetery to visit my mom and leave flowers. Also, when in California, one must have a real donut. Sorry, Utah, your donuts kinda suck.
I also haven't worked in almost a year. It has been strange not to work this past year because I haven't not worked for longer than a month or two at a time. I took out two student loans, which in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have taken, but I was able to pay down my credit card quite a bit.

Well, that's about it. This past year hasn't really been super exciting. I've been in school pretty much non-stop for the past two years. I'm only taking 6 credits come January - or I can take 14 credits and accept the school loan (but I won't 'cause 6 credits ain't no thang). Hopefully by then I'll have a job and feel like a normal adult.

Anyway, this past year really hasn't been exciting. I mean, Universal Studios California and the beach and California in general was pretty great. I'm excited to be out of school for the rest of the year. I'm hoping to be so relaxed by the time school starts up again in January that I'll be excited to learn in an academic setting again.

You Are the Reason

2018-08-09T04:53:00.002-07:00

Dear Mom,

I don't have the words to adequately describe what I'm feeling. You've now been gone longer than half my life. I miss you every day. I think about you at least once every day. I think about you whenever I do anything creative and then it hurts a little bit. I have a lot of half done projects. I read some notes that people sent you while you were sick. It didn't surprise me how many people loved you and respected you. I even learned a little bit about your childhood from a letter that your cousin Abby sent. It made me a little sad because you deserved a better childhood than you had. You persevered though and made sure my childhood was better than then the one you lived through.

I wish I could remember what your voice sounded like. Those were the first memories I lost: the sound of your voice. I remember the one time some lady pulled into a parking spot you were waiting for at the bank and you cursed at her. I laugh at the memory now, but at the time I was surprised that word even came out of your mouth.

Anyway, I'm sending this out to the cosmos. I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here. I'm trying my best to make you proud.

Love you forever,
Joyce

Sentimental Word Vomit

2017-10-25T00:21:00.000-07:00

There's this road I like driving down at night mostly because at the starting point of the loop, it smells like pine trees and dirt. It reminds me of going to the mountains near where I grew up in California. Just up the road there are horse pastures, and when the wind is blowing the right direction, the pine trees and dirt scent mingles with a faint horse pasture scent. It reminds me of home. Especially during the summer evenings when the sun is going down the farmers have usually been watering their hay and alfalfa pastures and I love the scent of water, sun warmed pastures, pine trees, and dirt.

I'm a sentimental person, obviously. I like driving this loop with the windows down and radio off while I think about life and make plans. Sometimes, I drive this loop just to smell the pine trees and dirt. I love when there isn't much of a moon out and it's a clear night when I drive this mountain road. When I'm closing the loop and making my way home - or sometimes going another round on the loop - there's spot near a farmer's pasture where it's almost completely dark, except for a lone faint street light, there's a clearing between mountain peaks where you can see a million stars. I always slow down during this stretch of road and look at the stars. If there were a safe place for me to park and not trespass on private property, I would totally sit in the middle of the hay pasture and stare at the stars and take in the faint scent of pine trees and dirt and hay.

Places like this makes me want to stay in Utah. Which is something I thought I'd never, NEVER thought I'd say. Ugh...I just need to marry a man who doesn't mind a little hard work and will let me decide where we live.

In other news...

School is coming up pretty quickly. In order for me to get any financial assistance, I have to take a full course load of at least 14 credits. I also need to work full time or close to full time. I can feel myself getting stressed out - which is why I went on my favorite mountain drive in the first place. I'm not so worried about money after school starts, but between now and January, what do I do? I've applied for jobs. I actually have a good chance of getting a full time job at one of the hospitals here in Ogden, but I don't know how I'll do with full time school and full time employment. Just the thought of it makes me ridiculously tired. I don't know. I don't know (that's my life slogan right now.). I guess I'll be testing my faith in myself and my motivation to finish what I've started.

Anyway, I'll be going back to my pine tree and dirt scented happy place in my dreams tonight and try to not worry so much.

I'm One of Those People

2017-08-27T00:00:00.002-07:00

I don't usually publicly announce my religious affiliation on social media - or in real life - very often. I won't deny that I am LDS - or Mormon if I'm asked what church I go to or what religion I subscribe to. I'm one of those Mormon's who quietly live their religion. I may be Mormon, but I don't believe that every LGBTQ+ individual has a one way ticket to hell. There are people I love who are identify as something other than straight. I love them because they are my family, my people. I don't love them more or less because they are gay, lesbian, queer, or whatever. What they identify as doesn't matter to me. I also believe that medical marijuana is helpful in a lot of cases. Seizures. Cancer. Crohns. Glaucoma. Autism. Anyone with an end-stage, incurable, going to die anyway disease. Does that make me a bad Mormon? I don't think so. There are definitely people who are Mormon who are very strict and by the book in their observance of our shared faith. Sometimes they are the ones who scream the loudest and sometimes that's all the world can hear and assume that Mormons are all like that. We aren't. I'm not.

Anyway, I wanted to preface this announcement with that little tidbit. I never thought in a million years that I would be going to a Church run/affiliated university, but I am. I got accepted to BYU-Idaho this last week to be an online student. I'm not crazy enough to move to Rexburg, Idaho. I'd never survive the winters there. I'll be going into Public Health with an emphasis in health education and promotion. I'm not on the teaching track. After I'm done at BYU-I, I might get a masters in Public Health at George Washington University. Most careers in public health require a masters to move up the ladder. So here is to the next couple years of my life!

Supermarket Flowers

2017-07-19T16:38:00.001-07:00

Ed Sheeran wrote the song about his grandmother who passed away while making his newest album. July is a hard month for me. My mom died July 4th. My dad got remarried a year later towards the end of July. Well, I guess the whole month isn't hard, but those two life changing events happened in July.

Anyway, every time I listen to this song, I think of my mom. It makes me a little sad. Mostly because she's gone and all the memories I have of my mom are fading. There are tiny snippets of moments I shared with my mom that I hope will never fade. I probably should write them down in my journal...

I look at the relationships my friends have with their mothers and I wonder what my relationship would be like with my mom if cancer didn't take her. If I wonder too much or too long, it hurts a little bit because I know it'll never come to fruition. I thank God, though, that my relationship with my mom ever existed at all and will continue after this life ends.

And one of these days I'll write a not so down in the dumps post.

Dear Mom,

2017-07-09T23:24:00.003-07:00

It has been 18 years since you left this earth for a life without pain. A life without the hazy cloud of pain killers. A life where you are healthy. A life where cancer doesn't exist. I'm not going to lie; the past week has been hard. I've had a hard time trying to keep my emotions in check while at work. I had an assignment for my English class where we had to choose a personal experience that changed my life. You are part of my story and I cried at the memories that I had neatly stored away.

I have these walls up to protect me from being hurt. There have been precious few people who have seen the walls completely down. I was ill equipped for life after you. Instead of asking for help, I built walls. Sometimes I wish I was more of a wear-your-emotions-on-your-sleeve kind of person, the kind of person who was a little less reserved. I don't wear my annoyance or are-you-kidding-me faces well...at all...like ever. You could always tell what I was feeling even though I was hard to read sometimes. But I am grateful that you didn't push me to be extroverted that way. You let me be me.

You were my safe place, my safe haven. I could always, always count on you. I lost trust in people for a long time because they weren't as invested as you were.

I wish I could remember the sound of your voice. I wish I could remember a lot of things about you. There are random little memories that pop up and it surprises me how much I still miss you. If I let myself sit still long enough, I can almost hear you, but it is always just out of reach.

Mom, I wish you were here. I wish so many things to be different, but I know that I am who I am because you aren't here. I've learned to have more compassion for people and believe in their humanity because you believed in me. I learned that sometimes going without a comfort item isn't the end of the world because you taught me through the example of your childhood. I learned that family is everything. They are everything.

I love you.

Where Did The Time Go??

2016-12-14T23:27:00.000-08:00

I had made a goal back in August to journal/blog more. Then school started. I took 5 credits and my classes were online so I thought I'd have ample time to devote to things that are important to me. Like leaving behind a written history of my time here on earth. Nope. Didn't happen. School completely and almost entirely consumed my time. For three and half months, I didn't really do anything. I mean, I did go to two baseball games with my friend Janae. I may have gone to a few movies with her, too. But really, since September, nearly all my time was spent on this damn laptop doing homework. There was SO much reading. I've been to college. I've had homework. Somehow, though, this was more than I've ever experienced in my college career. I'm happy that I get a break though and I'm looking forward to next semester, but I really hope that there isn't nearly as much reading.

Anyhow, I'm in Lincoln, Nebraska sitting in a hotel room while my family sleeps. I should really be in bed 'cause heaven knows my nieces and nephew will wake me up before I'm ready. My brother is graduating with his PhD on Friday. I can't remember what it's in, but he is officially a Doctor. Thank goodness he isn't insufferable because I don't know if I'd be able to call him Dr. Hanamaikai for the rest of my life.

Oh, and just so you know, Wyoming is a boring drive. So. Boring.

Happiness

2016-08-01T15:37:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to Gretchen Rubin's podcast for the better part of the year. There was a little break mostly because my commute to work was cut down from an hour to 10 minutes. I swear I got more done during my waking hours when I was solely dependent on public transit than I do now with a vehicle at my disposal. I wonder why that is. Actually, I know why it is: I'm lazy and my job leaves me utterly drained - emotionally and physically - at the end of the day that the only thing that I want to do when I get home is get my socks and shoes off and not think.

Anyway...

Gretchen has written a book called "The Happiness Project". She took stock of her life and came to the conclusion that while she was happy with her life, she wasn't happy in the sense that she wasn't making conscience choices to do things that brought her happiness. She was simply floating through life making choices just because they were routine or they were kind of already halfway made for her.

I can't remember if she came up with her manifesto before or after she started her Happiness Project, but I liked it so much that I'm going to share it with you. What am I talking about? It's a manifesto; of course she came up with it before her Project. To have a manifesto is to have a specific aim towards a goal; a mission. Anyhow, here's her Happiness Project Manifesto:

To be happy, you need to consider feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.
One of the best ways to make yourself happy, is to make other people happy; one of the best ways to make other people happy, is to be happy yourself.
The days are long, but the years are short.
You're not happy unless you think you're happy.
Your body matters.
Happiness is other people.
Think about yourself so you can forget yourself.
"It is to easy to be heavy; hard to be light." G.K. Chesterton
What's fun for other people, may not be fun for you, and vice versa.
Best is good, better is best.
Outer order contributes to inner calm. *I can completely vouch for this. When my anxiety is high, it helps to have things clean. Something as simple as doing the dishes and smelling the soap eases the chaos.*
Happiness comes not from having more, not from having less, but from wanting what you have.
You can choose what you do, but you can't choose what you like to do.
"There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy." Robert Louis Stevenson
You manage what you measure.
Loving actions inspire loving feelings.
The opposite of great truth is also true.

I'm writing about happiness because I think it's something that I struggle with all the time. I am an obliger; my thinking is “I do what I have to do. I don’t want to let others down, but I may let myself down.” Outer expectations are easy for me meet, but when it comes to making myself happy, the motivation to keep making conscience choices/decisions is hard. I think that putting this on the internet will put a permanent reminder somewhere I look often during the week.

Anyway, I have something in the works for myself. I'm going back to school next month through BYU-Idaho. It'll be one of the online programs seeing as there is no way in hell that I'd ever move to Rexburg, Idaho. No offence to anyone who has the desire to live there. I am not cut out for 7 months of perpetually windy winters or an all uphill campus. I'm also going to work on my version of a happiness project for myself.

Stay tuned.

Dear Mom

2016-07-10T22:13:00.002-07:00

It has been 17 years since you've been gone. I think about you all the time. Especially when things are still and my mind has time to wander. I wonder what would be different if you were alive. I can't imagine anything really being the same if you were here to influence my decisions. Maybe I'd be a little more extroverted. Maybe I wouldn't crave alone time as much as I do.

I am glad, though, that I like the quiet. I like the quiet because it gives me time to think about you. It gives me time to dream, time to think if I'm capable of achieving those dreams. Those dreams are often influenced by the thoughts I have of you. How much you'd love my happy place nestled in the mountains. How much you'd be happy that I finally know what I want to do with my life. My passion to help people, to help educate them about living a healthier life comes from you. I am me because of you.

Maybe it wouldn't have taken me so long to figure things out if you were here. Maybe I wouldn't have taken so long to decide what to do with my life. Maybe I wouldn't have taken the long way 'round. There are so many different outcomes to life that would have been different if you were here. But if there is anything that I've learned in life it's that we have a choice in how things turn out.

I do know that you were the best mother for me. I firmly believe that. Even though life as I know it would be different if you were still here, I believe that you gave me what you could to either sink or swim. For the the majority of my adult life, I've felt like I've been sinking because you left me at such a crucial time in my life. A point where you would have taught me how to balance a checkbook, how to apply to schools, how to figure out what I want to do with my life, how to be an adult. I've had to figure things out on my own, for the most part, and it has been hard. It's taken me a long time to trust myself to know where to go, what to do.

In the end though, I am me because of you.

All The Things

2016-07-10T21:50:00.000-07:00

So much has been happening in the world the past two weeks. Especially in the United States. I'm not one for politics. I have my opinions, but everyone around me has these huge, big shout in your face opinions about politics and what's going on in the US that I really don't want to participate. All I really want to say is if you're one of those people that say "F*ck the police/military! They just want to kill innocent people." To you I say, it's because of them that you have the right to say that. Because of them and the laws of this country, you have the right to vote, state your opinions without the fear of being executed. Yes, there are a few individuals that get power hungry and take things too far, but it would unfair and unjust to lump all police/military into the same horrible group that you're putting them into. I could just as well lump you into the same horrible group that needlessly make things harder for them, who throw cement blocks on their heads just because you think it'll help. As for the whole hot button of Black Lives Matter: yes. They matter. It's unfortunate that there are officers of the law that unjustly racially profile black members of our society. It's the same as putting those who contribute to their neighborhoods to make them better, who are upstanding, educated members of society, who want to make sure that our future (children!) don't fall into the same path as those who are creating harm and violence in the same group as those who are breaking laws, who are violating basic human rights of others, who don't have a conscience of what is morally right and wrong.

Okay. I'm glad that's out of my system.

About Religion

2016-06-26T23:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm going to preface this blog with a little warning. I rarely talk about religion. I'll bring God up once in a while, but I don't really write about my faith and religion here. Today is different. Today I am writing about my God, my faith, and my religion.

You've been warned....for lack of a better word.

My dad came home from babysitting my nieces and nephew for a week and a half and needed a break. I was all too happy to oblige. I like sleeping in my bed and waking up when I want to. Anyway, a weekend at home meant that - after being in Ogden for almost three months now - I got to go to my actual ward.

There are few things that I tell people about myself. If you don't ask, I don't tell. People NEVER ask about religion. Most people don't know I'm Mormon. I'm a Mormon. Like Gladys Knight and the Osmonds. If you don't know who those people are, do you live under a rock or were you born in the last 15 years?

Anyway, I've been struggling with my faith for a while or rather having things connect like they used to. I'm pretty convinced that we all go through a drought of sorts when it comes to religious faith where things don't connect as well as they used to. What you know in your brain to be true doesn't connect in your heart and vice versa. I had a Sunday School teacher say it's the longest 12 inches.

I suppose I should give you a little background. I went to church every single week for years. The only times I didn't was when I was sick - which was hardly ever. I graduated from early morning Seminary. I kept all the commandments of the church. Tithing. Word of Wisdom. Law of Chastity. I attended numerous service projects. I did my visiting teaching. I made it easy for my Home Teachers to come to my house. I served in many callings. I wasn't perfect, by any means, but I was faithful in what was required of me. When I moved to Oregon, not going to church became easy. I didn't know anyone. I didn't have a car. My roommate at the time didn't want to take me. There was no bus service anywhere near the chapel I needed to go to. There were so many excuses that I used that made it easy to not go. Things didn't go as planned in Oregon and I moved back to Utah in 2012. Up until last summer, my church attendance has been spotty, at best. I was like a Catholic version of a Mormon - Easter and Christmas church attendance with a few special occasions that warranted church attendance was about the extent of how often I went to Church. I will always watch General Conference, though. I know. Weird.

Anyway, my church attendance has been on the upswing, but I haven't gone to the ward I'm supposed to go in almost a year. Well, until today. Everything that was taught today was exactly what I needed to hear. It was like Heavenly Father was saying, "I've been trying to give you this. I've been trying to get you to feel something for the past 4 years." I firmly believe that Heavenly Father doesn't forget you. He won't turn His back on you. The blessings of the Gospel might stop coming in, but He is ever mindful of you even if you've turned your back on Him.

In my efforts to be receptive to anything today, I read a talk from this last General Conference by Bonnie L. Oscarson titled "Do I Believe?" It was like I was reading about my life. I had learned about the blessings of the temple and that families are forever in Primary and Young Women. I was taught every Sunday that I am a child of God that He loves me. I knew it, but did I believe it? Did I believe everything that I had be taught about the temple, the eternal truths about the family, the blessings of being a full tithe payer, the blessings that come from following the Word of Wisdom and the strength that comes from following the Law of Chastity? Did I believe? As if I was being drenched with spiritual thirst quenching water, the answer was yes, I do believe! This spiritual drought has been the longest I've experienced to date. All I needed to do was seek to have my heart changed and show a willingness to exercise faith.

The hard part for me is consistency and daily effort and repentance. There are years of inactivity and one pesky, hard to overcome on my own sin that I need help with from my Bishop. Asking for help has never been easy for me. Being an intensely private person, asking for support from friends and family isn't easy, but if I learned anything today, it's that no one is ever left to deal with things on their own. There is help and healing to be had if you ask. Things don't need to be so hard.

There is a quote from Elder Jeffrey Holland that gets me in the feels every time I read it. It says, "Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."

I say something similar to a client every day: Don't quit. Keep going. Keep trying. Why is that so hard for people to believe for themselves? We all have the potential. We all have the divine nature in our souls to be like our Heavenly Father. Whether you believe in the God I do or not, we have such HUGE divine potential. Forgetting that - for myself - makes me a little sad that I've wasted years on unimportant things. Forgetting my divine potential makes me sad. But! I am so happy that I'm starting to remember what it's like to sit in the Light of my Heavenly Father. I'm starting to remember what it's like to have a relationship with my Savior. My Brother. The man who sacrificed His Life so I could live.

Do you believe? What's stopping you?

Realized

2016-06-01T19:43:00.004-07:00

My dad and I went on a drive tonight on our way home from dinner. We literally live at the mouth of Ogden Canyon. In the combined time that I've lived in Ogden, I have never been up the canyon. It proved to be a good experience. A small storm made its way up the narrow canyon and it smelled deliciously of rain and pavement. I love that combination.

The whole drive made me miss Oregon and then I had this immediate love and appreciation for Utah mountains. Of all the places I've lived, Utah's mountain are unrivaled. They are my favorite. We drove through Huntsville and Eden. They're situated around Pineview Reservoir.

Maybe it's the INFJ in me that is attracted to podunk-y places like Huntsville and Eden (Go to the link. It'll seriously give you insight on my personality.). Maybe it's because both towns are right on the water. Either way, I love the tranquility that is literally right up the street from me. Part of me wants to move up there to get away from my loud neighbors and life in general. The part of me that dislikes the snow would probably not like it for the 5 months of the year that is freezing cold.

I used to think myself a city girl. Nope. I rescind that evaluation of myself. I am totally 100% all for wide open spaces and neighbors that are at least an acre or two away. This t-shirt perfect describes how I see myself;

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE Portland, Oregon. I love that it's weird and eclectic and people generally don't care that you're different from them because they're probably equally as strange. But I think my soul craves the mountains and a body of water that is surrounded by green fields and trees. As an introvert, my soul craves peace, quiet, and tranquility. I'd rather sit in the corner at a party and watch people with another introvert that gets me.

Even as I write this post, all I can hear is what is playing on my iTunes and chirping birds. I can smell a camp fire getting started. All that bothers me is the fact that my upstairs neighbors thinks they weigh 500 pounds and stomp around on their hardwood floored hallway and the occasional pimped out ride that belongs to someone in my building. I yearn for neighbors that are quiet and closer to my age. I yearn for the day that my apartment floor doesn't smell like marijuana.

Some day...

I'll Be Okay

2016-05-11T01:31:00.002-07:00

I'm listening to a sad, melancholy song right now. The past month has been hard. I moved to Ogden with a few goals in mind: 1. Find a job because traveling 45 minutes by car and 1.5 HOURS by train is ridiculous and expensive. 2. Get out of debt. 3. Go back to school. In the past month, I've gone to at least 1 interview a week; usually more, and nothing has come to fruition. Looking for jobs and applying for them is one thing, but getting a call for an interview, and doing a really good job at being a good interviewee only to not get a phone call back with a job offer is totally soul crushing. I've applied to jobs that I am way overqualified for. I've applied for jobs that I have all the right qualifications for and am competing with several other applicants for 1 or 2 positions. I've applied for jobs that I'm only slightly under-qualified for and I still haven't heard from 2 of the 3 positions.

I hate not having a job. I really do. The first day or two, after my last day at my most recent job, I cleaned the apartment, and generally got everything in my room settled. That was the first thing I could do for myself to not feel so untethered. The next few days after that are kind of blur. I literally don't remember what I did with myself. I know I applied for jobs, but come on, who applies for jobs for 8 hours straight? I don't know what I did between applying for jobs and looking at programs at Weber State and OWATC. What I do know is: I'm bugged by stupid little things. I'm lonely. I feel useless.

I'm stressed out about my finances. As in, if I don't find a job in the next week or two, I'm not going to have enough money to pay for bills that are set as automatic payments. When I get stressed out, all I want to do is either sleep in way too late or eat; neither of which are conducive to finding employment.

I'm really good at meeting outer expectations, but when it comes to making myself happy, I fall short. Not having a job makes me feel like I'm failing at life. I'm so used to taking care of myself without a lot of help from other people. When I broke my ankle almost three years ago - has it really been that long ago?? - it literally was the hardest 8 weeks of my life having to depend on other people for my livelihood. I was also very humbled at the same time because I had depend on my family. Letting other people take care of me is hard because I'm so used to putting as little stress on others as possible if I am capable of doing something myself. The white personality in me is hating that I'm in such emotional upheaval.

*Just a side note, if you want to find out more about yourself, go here and take the quiz. Seriously. take it! Like, right now!*

I hate that I feel like I can't let other people help me. These damn walls...I'm really good at keeping people at arms length. I've never thrown major tantrums. I've never gotten so mad that I've punched holes in walls. When I'm sad, or stressed out, I rarely talk it out with people I trust. I don't trust easily. Growing up in my family, I didn't need a lot. I feel like I was painfully aware of how much money we didn't have, so I didn't really ask for anything. My mom was so careful with the finances that I didn't feel like we had any less than the neighbors. I think that's where my need for independence comes in. I don't ask for much, but at the same time, my self-deprecation comes out and tells me I need even less. I have a hard time asking for things for Christmas or even for my birthday that I actually want. I often times will ask for the things that are on my wish list, things I could easily buy myself, for Christmas or my birthday because I usually undervalue myself on a daily basis.

I have this quote on one of my Pinterest boards that says, "I hope you know you're capable and brave and significant. Even when it feels like you're not." I don't know who said it, but it's exactly what I need right now. I have been feeling so insignificant and so incapable about life. And I haven't done brave thing in a long time. There comes a time in life that things have to change. Being stagnant or falling backwards into bad habits isn't okay to me. They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for. I haven't found someone to love, outside of my immediate family and their offspring. I want to find someone that I can be so incandescently happy with that my heart just skips a beat when they walk in to the room. I crave something to do. Like literally. I understand why stay at home mom's feel like something is lacking when their kids are a little less dependent on them. I have yet to find something to truly hope for. I mean, I hope that I can find a job. I hope to continue my education so I can find employment that doesn't feel like work. I hope for more opportunities to make my life better. I think that is the one true hope I have: opportunities to make my life better than it is. It sounds so generic, though. And I find that if you hope - or even pray - for those opportunities, God (or whoever you believe in) will absolutely give you those opportunities and they are rarely ever comfortable. I believe that God never loses sight of my eternal potential even when I do. And I often lose sight of my potential when I feel like I'm failing as a contributing-to-society adult and feeling altogether useless.

Growth is never ever comfortable for me and sometimes I just have to let go and see what happens. John Porter said, "People underestimate their capacity for change. There is never a right time to do a difficult thing." Wise words. There is never a right time for growth and change. Especially when it's been a long time coming. My entire life can be described in one sentence: It didn't go as planned, and that's okay. Picking yourself up from the boot straps is something that I find difficult to do. Admitting that I need help from outside sources is even harder for to ask for. I have a saying written on one of my notebooks that says, "If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree." Change is possible. Change is not without its difficulties or growing pains. But it's worth it.

"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it." Bill Cosby said that. I like the quote even though Bill is a bit controversial right now. Anyway, I'm feeling a little less gloomy now. Writing out my feelings has always helped me not feel so (insert emotion) and more like myself.

Now to go and do...

You Can't Handle The Poop!

2016-03-22T22:02:00.001-07:00

Friday was an epically hard day. It involved a client getting poop all over the bathroom wall. I guess I should preface that statement with: I work with adults with disabilities. Anyway, that whole episode includes explosive diarrhea. Ugh...just reliving that afternoon makes me mad. There was a string of expletives mumbled under my breathe. There was a 5 minute time out in my boss' office, for myself, of course. There was a very upset custodian who had to clean up the mess that said client left behind. Then there was food at a Mongolian grill that night (which really wasn't worth the $14). Overall, the whole day was kind of a dozy. Although, the donut gelato creations that my roommate and I got that night after dinner were pretty fantastic.

Work has been getting emotionally harder as the weeks go by. I don't know if it's because the clients are getting more demanding or I just don't care anymore; either way, I generally don't look forward to going to work anymore.

In other news, I'm moving to Ogden. To live with my dad. Again. Packing is a pain the butt and I have no motivation to do any of it. In the past year, I have moved T H R E E times. I hate moving. I really do. The last time I moved, I swore to myself that I would not move for at least another year. I'm about 5 months short of that goal. I think the thing that bums me out the most is that I'm leaving at least one genuine friend. I have my co-workers who will miss me a little bit - mostly because I'm one of maybe a handful of people that actually shows up to work and actually works. Ugh...that's another thing that makes me a little frustrated at work and makes me mad to even really think about it. I digress.

Moving has always been pretty easy for me to do in my 20s. I was pretty good at putting up these walls and pushing people away. And lets be honest here for a minute: I was always better at leaving first - to avoid any hurt, of course - than I was at staying and working through things. I'd let people get close enough to get to know me a little bit, but not enough so they could hurt me. Throw in the fact that I'm an excellent listener, there isn't much of a chance to get to know me especially when most people I know are better at talking about themselves than anything else.

I am getting too deep here. I'll do a little emotional digging another time and maybe show a vulnerable side. Maybe.

Beginnings and Endings

2015-12-27T21:40:00.000-08:00

Four more days; that's is all that is left of the year 2015. The date that Marty McFly and Doc went to in the future - October 21, 2015 - is now in the past. There are things that I didn't think would be done this year, but somehow, I made happen. Things like: exercising on a consistent basis and changing jobs when I thought I was sitting pretty comfortably for another two years.

(Google search)

Exercise has become a integral part of my day. When I don't exercise, my body knows. When I do, though, I sleep better and I feel better about myself. Since moving in with Janae, I've been more mindful of what I put in my body and how much I exercise. She's a Beach Body coach, which means I have access to the 21 Day Fix workouts. Those are probably my favorite workouts. I took a few days off to battle a cold and when I started back with the upper fix, I strained my shoulder a bit. I tried playing doctor and self-diagnosed myself with a torn rotator cuff in my left shoulder. I'll probably have to rest my shoulder a bit and do other workouts in the meantime. Or go to the doctor - which I really, REALLY don't want to do, especially if it turns out that I do have a torn rotator cuff. Ugh...anyway. Exercise has become my friend and I'm hoping to make it more of a habit. The next step is to work on what I eat. While I've been more mindful of how much I'm putting in my body, the type of food hasn't really changed.

(Beach Body)

I've also been to church more in the past four months than I have all year. Anything spiritual has been lacking in my life since I was in Oregon. Even when I moved back over three years ago, I hadn't really made an effort to make any real changes that I needed to make. I was on a path laid in good intentions and failed promises and it wasn't leading anywhere I truly wanted to go. Getting back on the path that I want to get on is hard. But really, since moving in with Janae and having her good influence around has been a true godsend. Really.

(LDS Portland, Oregon Temple)

Back in October when I was in California, I visited my mom at the cemetery. The ugly cry came out. The way I felt while there is still too personal to share. Let's just say that the expectation I have of myself in my head doesn't match the expectation that I think my mom would have had. That's also in my head. I don't know what she would have expected had she lived. Maybe my own expectations for myself are astronomically way too high. Part of me thinks that all my mom would want is that I be happy and successful in whatever I'm doing with my life. The other part of me thinks that there's more that I need to accomplish. I know I am capable of so much more than what I'm doing right now. Being comfortable is my forte. The aches and pains that accompany growth is something that I don't like experiencing.

Most of any sort of growth I've experienced can be attributed to moving in with Janae. Learning more of my personality and what motivates me is one of those things. Like how much of an INFJ personality I am. I'm also a major white personality as well as an obliger. I'll have to write a more in depth post about what all these personality types mean, but when all is said is done, I'm the kind of person that likes peace and quiet. For anyone that really knows me, you're probably shaking your head saying, "Well, duh." But there's really more to these personality traits than meets the eye. Another post for another day. I promise.

Anyhow, with the year ending, I needed to record something of what I've done. Maybe I'll do that another day when I'm not so pressed for time to do other things that I ought to be doing. Like sleeping. There go my procrastination skills...again.

Life Update

2015-12-05T21:52:00.000-08:00

Remember when I used to update this blog more often than every 7 months? Yeah...me too. Every time I think I have something to say, I forget about to make any record of it. I'm pretty sure I Instagram more than I read any sort of blog. We live in a generation where if a blog doesn't have pictures or a vlog is too long or isn't interesting, then we move on to something else that feeds into our short attention spans. That's my problem anyway. I don't think my life is interesting enough to record. Sure, I have a paper journal; but even that has been neglected far longer than this poor blog.

Anyhow, I'm updating from a different location than the previous few blogs. I moved to Sandy a couple months ago after True Path closed. I had a warehouse job folding t-shirts, but I really didn't want to stay there long term. Then, I found a job in South Salt Lake at Columbus Community Center. I work with adults with disabilities in a day program. I like my job in spite of the fact that it can be emotionally and mentally draining. Most days are pretty good; some just aren't. I've been at Columbus for 5 months; it feels longer than that most of the time.

Before moving to Sandy, I moved into a dinky little apartment near Downtown Salt Lake. It wasn't fancy or even the nicest of buildings, but rent was cheap and I wasn't planning on being home a ton anyway. Moving day came and I found out that the place had roaches and other bugs. The week I lived there, I didn't dare cook or unpack. I moved in with Felisa and her girlfriend for 3 weeks before finding Janae - my current roommate - and her place here in Sandy. Finding this place really was a godsend. Rent is a little more than I want to pay, but it's clean and the neighborhood is pretty safe and the commute to work is about the same as it was when I was downtown and at Felisa's.

Nate and Tanya had baby #5 on May 4th. They named her Faye. Phil and Heather moved to Pleasant Grove, UT. I think they'll be staying a while. Stephen and Shauna live in Modesto, CA. Stephen got a job with the City Planner to help make the city more walk-able. They'll be there a while. Felisa moved in with Skye in August near Liberty Park. Adam broke his collar bone almost 2 months ago playing football with his friends.

So...yeah. That's all that's been going on. I did go to Jon Eric's wedding in October in Berkeley and stayed at Stephen's new place for a night. Then I drove down to Clovis to go to the cemetery and stayed at Nani's. It was weird being back after not being there for over a decade.

Anyway, I'm trying to live life a little more authentically. It's hard because that means that I have to be more emotionally vulnerable and that's really hard for me. I hate being exposed in that sense the fact that if I am left that way, I don't want to be hurt. No one wants to be hurt, but people who live with their hearts on their sleeves seem to have the kind of relationships that I envy.

I'm getting deep here, so maybe that'll be another blog for another day. But one goal that'll definitely be on the New Year's goal list is to be more emotionally authentic and not hold back my emotions when it's warranted. I am still an introvert; and introverts by most definitions are definitely a little more reserved.

Okay. Until next time.

Still Alive

2015-05-07T22:28:00.004-07:00

Life had been slow the past couple months. You know: full time job with wonky hours that require you to sleep during daylight hours. I haven't had a life in T W O and a H A L F YEARS. Literally. All I've done is work or have done the work and school combo. I guess that 5 days I took off almost two years ago could count for something, but not really. Anyhow, almost three weeks ago, the residential treatment facility I was working for, closed. There weren't enough girls to keep the program going - in fact, we were LOSING money - so the company that ran this program gave all of us the boot. A few people were able to find jobs within the company at other programs. I was nearing the end of my rope and needed to be done so I could find greener pastures elsewhere.

At first, I was mad that they only gave us ten days to find jobs somewhere else. Then I was sad, then mad, then a weird combo of both. All at once, the five other stages of grief followed suit. I'm over it. Mostly because somewhere in the past week and a half, I've managed to flip a switch. The light has managed to turn on at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. I interviewed for a job on Monday and accepted said job on Tuesday.

Things are about to get church-y ya'll, so bear with me.

I think this "miracle" turn of attitude has something to do with the lesson that was taught in Relief Society this past Sunday. Most of the lesson was on hope. At some point in the lesson, Sister Mott was sharing a story about how she and her husband were making their way back to the church. She had become a smoker during their inactivity and she had made a deal with Heavenly Father. She had said that if He would take this addiction away from her, she would devote her life to Him for the rest of her life. I have been dealing with things, past sins, and just all around trying to find my way through life. When she shared that story, it hit me right in the heart. My brain and heart connected on the spirit behind her words and things have been clearer. The thought crossed my mind that if I'm at least willing to give up this sin, I can devote the rest of my life to my Heavenly Father. And then, it was like Heavenly Father was smacking his forehead with his palm like it was about time that I had come to this realization.

I am not so great with speaking the things that are on my mind. I am truly an introvert through and through on that aspect of my personality. But right now, I just have to say that I've had a change of heart on so many things. The past couple years have been hard. By all accounts, I should still be in Oregon, but I'm kind of glad that things didn't work out with that situation. I definitely wouldn't be going to church, and really, I haven't been going to church on a consistent basis since I've been back in Utah. I love my friends back in Oregon. They saved me from being lost in depression, but I know that hanging out with them, without any friends who were anchored in the Church or in Christ, I am certain that I would have become very apathetic towards the LDS church.

I'm seeing life with more clarity now. I think a lot of it has to do with being able to have a regular schedule. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the job I had, but working the grave shift schedule for over two years has been brutal on my body and my spirit. I'm excited to get back to church and to get my life back to where I know I will be most useful and blessed in return.

Some day, I hope to feel the contentment this picture makes me feel right now. I mean, I am finally content with the decision to make my way back to the light and peace of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but this picture just makes me feel like, hey, you've done good. Enjoy the here and now. Which, I guess I try to feel every day because positivity is good for your insides. I finally feel like something in my life is headed in the right direction and the blessings of the Gospel are somewhere in distance. I finally feel like the picture of what my life will be will match the one I've been dreaming of for a very long time. I just have to remember the way I feel right now and put in the hard work.

I am finally making a decision because I want it.

Curse My Slacker Tendencies!

2015-01-17T00:07:00.000-08:00

So...hey. I haven't been here in a while. Actually, I come to my blog every day; I either have a lot on my mind and have no way to make sense of it enough so it doesn't look like I just came to dump my ideas/nonsense/actual thoughts; or I really haven't been doing much. Most of the time it's the latter.

Anyhow, 2014 has ended. It ended two weeks ago. Duh. Here's a quick recap of my 2014:

January
Got a hair cut.
Ankle strengthening exercises.
Work.
Hospital bills.

February
Work.
Paid off some hospital bills with tax refund.
Bought expensive running shoes...and clothes with tax refund.
More ankle strengthening exercises.
Costco card!

March
Orthopedic surgeon bill.
More ankle strengthening exercises.

April
My birthday.
Walking around like a champ by now.

May
Beginning of my summer of 2 jobs.
End of any limited free time.

June
Hardly any time off.
Slowly paying off the ER bill that I forgot to pay off in February.
Hear about supervisor position opening at grave shift job. Interested.

July
House sitting for my brother
Get hair did by a real professional outside of Fantastic Sam's.
Interview with Program Director for grave shift supervisor position.
Got the job the same day!
Put in 2 weeks notice at 2nd job.
Supervisor training.
Brain turns to mush from amount of information I have to absorb.
Hold first interviews to replace the spot I left as a part time employee.

August
First real shifts as supervisor and full time employee.
More grey hairs.
More interviews.

September
More grey hair.
Stress.
Interviews

October
Seemingly calm month.
Hair cut.

November
Just kidding.
More interviews.

December
Have an employee put her 2 weeks notice in and then have her husband call to say she isn't going to finish the 2 weeks notice.
S T R E S S
Interviews. Interviews. Interviews
Realization: People are flaky. Even if you give them a job, they won't show up to start the paperwork.
Got about 30 hours of overtime for the month.
Lots of grey hairs.
Finally had to dye my hair to cover the grey and to get rid of the ombre I got in July.

I'm hoping 2015 won't be near as stressful. So far, it's been a quiet month. I have interviews to do and at least 1 more person to hire this month. I really hate the interviewing process. Mostly because I'm the one having to ask the important questions and go with gut about the people I interview. I got lucky with my first interview as the supervisor.

Anyway, I don't have any real goals for the year, yet. I've been seeing how long I'll make it as an every day bed maker. So far, so good. Although, I did miss the first 2 or 3 days of the year mostly because I was either in bed sleeping or not at home. Also, I'm saving $200 a month till July or August to put a down payment on a newer car. I've been pretty happy without having to make a car payment every month, but lets face it, an independent woman in her 30's - who doesn't live in Manhattan or other such cities - needs a car. I can't really do my Costco shopping without a vehicle. What else am I doing? Oh, yeah. Flossing is one of those healthy choices I'm actively making every night (or morning) before going to bed. It's amazing - and I should have been doing this on the regular - how flossing affects what's going on in your mouth.

So, making my bed, flossing every day, and padding my savings account. Sounds pretty adult to me. I think I woke up one day, just before the new year, and thought, "You're adult. You should probably start doing more adult things." Or at least something to that effect. I feel like I've been avoiding calling myself an adult out loud just for the sake of extending that carefree, nothing weighing me down attitude I had in my 20s. As much fun as I had in my 20s, I finally feel ready to be that "boring" 30 something year old that I dreaded. Although, having a good job and a steady income has allowed me to do the fun things that I dreamed of doing in my 20s.

I guess I just upgraded my attitude on life.

Missed Conncetions

2014-10-10T04:52:00.003-07:00

I was reading this article in the NY Times while procrastinating finishing the schedule for my employees (whoa...that makes me feel old...I have employees...weird), and it really hit home. The article dives into the weird stage in your 30s where it's hard to make actual friends rather than situational friends.

You know, the let's-grab-dinner, our-kids-are-the-same-age-so-lets-go-to-the-park-so-I-have-a-reason-to-not-slide-the-slide-for-the-millionth-time, game-night, Netflix-marathon-ing kind of friends. The people where we could call maybe once a month to do whatever activity it is that you share interest in and do it together so you don't feel lonely. I mean, yeah, you have your people (like Meredith Grey and Cristina Yang's relationship) who would do anything for you, but you know, people get married, they move away and it's hard to actually get together because life is pulling you in a million different ways. You finally find yourself in your, "omg...when did I become an adult" phase. But your people will always be your people.

So you find some situational friends. The people to kind of fill your time with because not having friends is just lonely. You go to an occasional dinner, fill your time with some fluff conversation and then go home. You don't necessarily feel fulfilled by the relationship, but it's better than sitting at home...by yourself....again. Suddenly, having adult friends is harder than you thought it'd be. Mostly, because life isn't like a 22 minute sitcom. What you thought you'd have as far as friendships/relationships go - something possibly resembling Friends or Seinfeld - just isn't reality. I guess it could be, but let's just face it, the possibility of that happening is pretty minuscule.

I struggle with this. Like a lot. Not only do I have the complete opposite work/sleep schedule of anyone I know, but throw on top of that wonky schedule my introvert tendencies and my aversion to people who try too hard to be something they aren't. I see people who are around my age who have a LOT of friends. But then I think, how can just one person have some many friends and actually like them?? Then I think, are most of them situational friends? Are they more acquaintance than friend? I think my problem is that I know a lot of people, but none of them are really friends.

In my 33 years of life, I have crossed a lot of people in my life. Most of the people that I'm friends with on Facebook, are people from my high school days or went to church with until I moved to Utah. I moved to Utah and made A LOT of situational friends. That's all I had the first year I lived in Utah mostly because I threw myself into a totally unknown situation. After I started working and moved to a different town, I made a few more friends. They were still mostly situational, but I saw them at least twice a week to go do stuff. I feel like I hadn't made any deep connections with people.

I think that the first half of my 20s, I was still trying to figure out how to trust people. The problem with letting people in and trusting them is that they almost inevitably disappoint you. Once I trust you, I am loyal. Almost to a fault. When I F I N A L L Y found a bosom buddy here in Utah, I was so happy to have someone to randomly call or text. When I think about this friendship I had with this person, it makes me sad. We were roommates at one time and when we weren't, we still talked almost every single day until we just didn't. It's so hard to going from that to trying to figure out how to communicate with them while they figure out how to deal with deep soul breaking depression. It's even harder trying to figure out how to deal with all of that while they live on the other side of the country and don't have regular access to a phone.

Anyway, my point is that after that friendship fizzled and burned to the ground, I found it even harder to open up and trust people. The way to my heart - or lasting friendship with me - is spending quality time. It really doesn't matter when or where, as long as you put in the time, we're golden. Well, I guess it does depend a little bit on the frequency of the when, but I like to think of myself as a low maintenance kind of gal.

Well, that turned out way longer than I anticipated. But it has occurred to me that I need to work on fostering lasting friendships rather than situational friendships. Situational friendships have their time and place, but what I really need in my life right now is an emotionally stable friend who is willing to spend time with me. Maybe two of them. But that's really my limit. :)

Mother Nature

2014-06-08T04:42:00.001-07:00

I've noticed the past few pictures that I've posted on my Instagram have been of the mountains surrounding the home I've made here in Utah. Every time I walk to work or am just taking a walk on river trail near my house, I can't help but be in awe of the beauty that surrounds me. It amazes me how big the sky is in the summer, how orange or pink the clouds are in the setting sun or how the sun rises over the mountains in the east. When I have time to think of the beauty that surrounds me, I can't help but think that this where I'm supposed to be. I never really put a lot of thought into whether or not where I've lived at the time; if it was where I was supposed to be. It was always just an adventure in being somewhere new. Lately though, I can't help but feel that Utah is where I need to be. I don't necessarily feel that I'll live here for the rest of my life, but for right now, it feels right.

I'm the kind of person that is always looking into the future: where I want to live, what I want to be doing. I rarely take the time to appreciate where I am now or take it easy with the planning. It's hard for me to not make plans. I don't know if it's because of things that have happened in my life, but I'm always concerned with the endgame. I struggle with short term goals mostly because I get impatient if things don't go the way I want them to or if I don't have the funds to do what I want to make the endgame come sooner. I struggle with staying in one place for too long without some sort of break so a few nights ago, I was musing about renting a car and taking a beach vacation for a few days. My friend Malaina reminded me that she lives in Southern California and said I could come crash with her for a few days. Ever since I came back to work after fracturing my ankle, I've been going non-stop working trying to pay off my medical bills faster. Needless to say, a few more grey hairs - I like to call them sparkly hairs - have sprouted. Anyhow, last night I decided that I was going to start saving money to rent a car and have a little spending money. I haven't really worked out the kinks, but I've started a savings plan spreadsheet with my Google account and have scheduled a few automatic transfer payments to my savings account from my checking account for at least my automatic deposit.

For the first time in a month, I actually love having two jobs. Having a beach trip in the works makes up for the fact that I work 6 days a week, sometimes with a few 24+ hour periods of no sleep sprinkled in. I know what you're thinking, I'm slowly killing myself with this work schedule. I can assure you that this isn't going to last forever. I'll probably quit my second job right before Christmas. Anyhow, an acquaintance of mine will be doing my hair in a couple weeks, so hopefully I'll be able to time it right to have a fresh haircut for my beach trip.

Well, here's to successful short term plans!

P.S. I totally blame Google Maps for all my nostalgic memories of driving all over my hometown and making plans for road trips.