a little learning...

Chillax?

2013-10-01T21:23:00.001+01:00

Tense? Nervous?Trying to chillax but can't?

Then you need to take a Chillaxative, my friend.

(It is probably the best thing you can take if you are the sort of person who uses the word "chillax" in everyday conversation).

The Perils of Online Dating

2013-06-12T08:12:00.000+01:00

"I saw by the light of the silvery moon,
the meacing glint of her shiny harpoon"

Perhaps her online name of "Captain Ahab" should have been a clue.
Perhaps my nom-de-plume of "Moby Dick" was a mistake.
Maybe agreeing to meet down by the harbour was a bad idea.

Christmas Records I couldn’t secure finance for #36

2012-10-29T08:57:00.000+00:00

Not disheartened by the rebuffs on Bid # 35, it was back to the drawing board to compose a carol for people who are interested in cats. Here is the result, and I think you will agree, it has enough about it to secure a phone call from Justin Bieber’s agent, methinks. Or maybe Paloma Faith’s agent, she has the kind of voice that can and does turn any half-baked idea into a great sounding song.

“Good King Wencelas looked out
At the cat sh* in his garden,
All the mice lay round about
Dead, crisp and half eaten
Brightly shone his gun that night,
Though his face was cru-el
When a moggy came in sight,
He let it have both ba- rr-els”.

Christmas Records I couldn’t secure finance for #35

2012-10-29T08:56:00.001+00:00

Everyone likes dogs* and everyone likes Christmas**, so how could the music companies not want to pay for studio time to record this gem? It is no wonder the record business is going down the pan when the entrepreneurial spirit has been killed in favour of safe acts who will sell shedloads of units. Is this noticeably inferior to Adelle’s “Skyfall”?

“Woof, woof, merrily on high,
In heaven the dogs are barking,
Yap, Yap, merrily the sky
Is filled with wullufs howling
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwwwww
The wolves all want their dinner”

*Admittedly, a large percentage of people may prefer cats
**Also admittedly, Christmas is not a big festival in large parts of the Middle East and Asia

Lentils

2012-08-31T21:10:00.000+01:00

Looking back, the months I spent working in the lentil processing factory were the only times in my life when I had my finger on the pulse.

Songs with dodgy lyrics

2012-08-31T11:33:00.002+01:00

"Lipstick on your collie told a tale on you, Lipstick on your collie, said you'd been untrue" Leave him, dearie, he's not good enough for you.

iSuppose

2012-04-04T12:51:00.001+01:00

APPLE and BLACKBERRY - cool technology, great as a crumble.
RHUBARB - delicious in a crumble, seriously bad as a mobile phone.
(Mind you, it still has better coverage than Vodafone).

Failed TV Pilots #27 - Reckless and Feckless

2012-02-01T20:17:00.000+00:00

Reckless and Feckless – retro ‘tec thriller Despite having all the essential ingredients for a successful detective series, Reckless and Feckless only got as far as one poorly received pilot programme. The show, named after the two main characters, featured a pair of detectives – one of them a maverick, the other a supposedly bumbling fool. It was set in the 70s to give it some bang-up-to date retro chic which also had the advantage of allowing the script writers to get away with large amounts of swearing. Bob Reckless’ eating disorder and Bob Feckless’ shock of red hair gave them an opportunity to be incredibly offensive whilst retaining “period authenticity” about the only two characteristics about which it is still deemed acceptable to be unacceptably insulting. It was set in a glamorous Police department (in this case – forensic accounts) and shot in exotic offshore tax haven locations (the pilot was partly filmed on the Isle of Man). The pair’s 1967 Hillman Imp ticks the box for the distinctive ride, or what media types call an "iconic" car, that all the top TV detectives have. There was no obvious female love interest story line, the inference being that the couple were married to the job, or maybe there was some lingering underlying mutual desire, a fact which is hinted at occasionally through the pilot. Wast it a bromance or something more? The soundtrack too, ticked all the relevant retro boxes. Featuring artists like Bowie, T Rex, Captain Beefheart and The Wurzels it roots the audience firmly in the newly hip 1970s. Problems surfaced with the ending of the pilot which saw the duo gunned down whilst investigating VAT fraud in downtown Douglas, IOM. In a shambolic and poorly planned raid, they burst in on an armed gang sharing out bullion. They die in a hail of gunfire after exchanging some typical dialogue: Bob Reckless: “Where’s my f***ing gun, you ginger c***?” Bob Feckless: “What f***ing gun? We’re accountants not the SAS, you dozy fat b****? I’ve got a slide rule somewhere” Hoodlum 1: “Let ‘em have it, Knuckles” Cue slow motion slaughter scene. TV executives cited the death of the two main characters as being principal reasons, amongst a whole host of other ones, as to why the show will not go into production. Frustrated producers have been quoted as saying “what’s good for Taggart’s goose is not good for our gander”. The audience feedback was that they really liked the gratuitous swearing, enjoyed the extreme violence at the end, were happy with the implied homosexuality but were turned off by the explicit accountancy scenes.

The butterfly - a peom

2012-01-29T10:28:00.003+00:00

I wish I was a butterfly
But not just any butterfly
Not a larva
Not a pupa
But a complete
and utter butterfly

The moth - a peom

2012-01-29T10:27:00.002+00:00

I wish I was a moth
But not just any moth
A big moth
A huge moth
A bloody great behemoth

Failed TV PIlots #23- Dalek Masterchef

2012-01-29T10:23:00.002+00:00

Dalek Masterchef:

Mr Dalek, what's the best way to prepare chicken?
"Marinate, marinate"
And your favourite way to preserve coconut?
"Dessicate, dessicate"
And what should we do with the two pompous presenters on the show?
"Exterminate, exterminate"

Is Essex the only way?

2011-12-09T14:32:00.004+00:00

The success, at least in the UK, on a minor channel sort of way of the reality TV programme THE ONLY WAY IS ESSEX has led to that county being catapulted into the unlikely role of most fashionable place in Britain. In an attempt to cash in on this and knowing that film and TV companies are devoid of new ideas, a whole raft of possible big screen ideas have been pitched to the major studios and stations. If one of them bites, we could make the big time. Would you pay cash to go and see a film with an intriguing title like:
Thurrockly Modern Millie
Basildon the Great Mouse Detective
The Grays Escape
Lock, Stock (near Billericay) and Two Smoking Barrels
The Mountnessing Candidate
Dial M for Maldon
Once Upon a Time in West Mersea
Pulp Frinton
Epping Forest Gump
Butch Canvey and the Sundance Kid
I know I would. Maybe.

Two types of nurses

2011-12-09T11:33:00.004+00:00

Watching a group of nurses demolish a heavily laden buffet provided by a pharmaceutical company for a meeting, it made me realise that there are probably only two types of nurses - the quick and the hungry.

Bumper Stickers of our time

2011-11-14T10:42:00.003+00:00

This sticker should appear on more vans:

Krill Oil - the facts

2011-11-04T20:26:00.002+00:00

Krill oil is the future. Forget Cod Liver Oil, your joints will be a million times more supple if you supplement your diet with Krill Oil.
The evidence is overwhelming.
Take Americans for example. Their diet consists, as far as we can tell from TV, of beef steak or burgers washed down with coca cola (Pomegranate, Guava, Quercetin and Papaya smoothies in California or “cwaffee” in New York). In 2005, there were 500,000 knee replacements in the US, due to people living longer and rising obesity levels.
Now look at Sperm Whales. Their diet consists of Krill washed down with sea water, as everyone knows. In 2005, none of them had a knee replacement in the US. Cynics may argue that American healthcare insurers don’t offer policies to aquatic mammals, but the figures don’t lie. Sperm Whales would be the first to admit that they have weight issues and since the ban on commercial whaling, many are living longer and yet they don’t have joint problems.

Childhood Food Memories

2011-11-04T20:15:00.002+00:00

In this month’s Woman & Home “Christmas Feel Good Food” magazine, celebrity chef Gennaro Contaldo reminisces about his childhood food memories. “Risotto alla marinara con verdure. I dedicate this recipe to the Giardiniello Restaurant in my home village of Minori (on the Amalfi Coast) which has been making this beautiful dish since it opened in 1955. When I make it, I’m reminded of those summer evenings when, as a little boy, my mother would take me to enjoy a late-night supper cooked by Nunziata, the owner and chef”.
In twenty years time, will the food memory read "Fried chicken". I dedicate this recipe to the Chick ‘n’ Chip takeaway van on the A2 near Dover which has been making this tasty snack since it opened in 2009 (apart from a six month gap after a failed food hygiene inspection). It reminded me of summer evenings, when me and my mates would hang around in the layby eating chicken and chips before throwing the wrappers in the ditch. Happy days”

Book Review: Summer Reading #2

2011-07-26T09:01:00.002+01:00

“Small Gardens” by Mongtomery Dee
The latest book by the TV presenter with the crumpled suit, crumpled face and crumpled hair will delight anyone seeking inspiration for improving their own small garden. Lavishly illustrated with pictures taken on his own estate, Dee’s book is full of time-saving ideas; “get your butler to do it” and cost saving ideas; “get a TV company to pay for it”. He shows that any small garden be transformed into a beautiful living space by anyone from the humblest Baronet to the richest investment banker.

Book Review: Summer Reading #1

2011-07-25T19:58:00.004+01:00

The latest non-fiction bestseller by acclaimed sportswriter Gary Linament is called "Tits and Arses" and is a book which describes both Premier League footballers and their two main areas of interest.
It is ideal summer reading for the average football fan as it has lots of pictures and not many words. It is out now in paperback, Kindle and (for Darlington fans) in colouring book form.

That's him, Officer!

2011-07-11T11:19:00.004+01:00

That's him Officer! That's the man who hacked into my phone and has been listening to all my conversations.

(Picture from HeroComm)

Successful businesses move with the times

2011-05-09T21:30:00.006+01:00

From the mead halls of Valhalla, comes a new business the likes of which you’ve never seen before. No more, the terrified screams of people running away from hordes of flaming torch-bearing rapists and pillagers. All you will hear now are the delighted squeals of people opening parcels full of competitively-priced stationery items delivered next day. The Viking Office Supplies catalogue has arrived.

Who would have thought that the Vikings would have diversified into office supplies in anticipation of a downturn in the rape and pillage market?

Surely there were other more complementary industries for psychopaths with a trading inclination to go into - nightclubs, scrap metal, football or the drugs trade for example?

Did the conversation in the longship go along the lines of?
Olaf Forkbeard:
"So, Erik the Red, when we hit landfall, are we going to ransack the convent again? I can’t wait to get my hands on all those yummy nunnies?"
Erik the Red:
"No, Svein Forkbeard. We have to put a stop to all our mead-fuelled high jinks. The times have changed and we must move with them. The systematic treatment of women as sex objects has no place in Dark Age society. We went on the Nunwalks and we learned that although women may dress as nuns it doesn’t mean that they are “gagging for it”. We went on the Slutwalks and we learned that “No” definitely means “No” and not “Unhand me you herring-breathed brute…oh, go on then”.
Erik the Red:
Fair point. What about pillage, plunder and looting. That’s still OK isn’t it?
Olaf Forkbeard;
“Have you not heard of Fair Trade you plaited-pig-tailed horned helmet wearing fool?
We need new ideas that don’t exploit local populations. Ikea Ikeasson, what do you think we should do?”
Ikea Ikeasson
"How about we sell all the bits of smashed up furniture we stole from Lindisfarne back to them. We could throw in a bag of screws with each pack with instructions on how to put them back together”.
Olaf Forkbeard;
“That’s an awful idea you plaited-pig-tailed meatball eating fool. You’re fired. Tiffany Tiffanysson, any ideas?”
Tiffany Tiffanysson
“We could turn all our looted gold and silver into amulets, rings, amulets and err, amulets”
Olaf Forkbeard;
“That’s an awful idea you plaited-pig-tailed bling-encrusted fool. I’m out. Staple Staplesson, do you have anything sensible to offer?”
Staple Staplesson
“There’s got to be a gap in the market for cheap stationery delivered to your door by longship. You can never find vellum or quills round here, especially since we burnt down all the monasteries and stole the cattle and geese. Hur hur”.
Olaf Forkbeard;
“By Thor he’s got it. That was en evil laugh, but we’ll overlook that as you don’t get anywhere in business without being a heartless bastard. Office supplies it is. I’m in”

“We are Wolves, but we are changing”

2011-04-18T13:02:00.002+01:00

Werewolves are sick of getting a bad press and have decided that the only way to clean up their image is through Accreditation. From 1 January 2012 every werewolf in the world will have to follow new strict guidelines laid down in a Lycanthrope Code Of Conduct.

The three main Werewolf governing bodies have agreed to join forces and bring in new regulations to improve the reputation of their species. The British Association of Werewolves, the World Association of Werewolves and the All American Association for the Advancement of Werewolves will now formally be known as BAW-WAW-AAAW. They will try to dispel the myth of werewolves as fly by night characters that you only see once in a blue moon.

OUT WILL GO
Unsightly shapeshifting transformations
Dangerous looking fangs
Blood-spattered carpets
Spine chilling howling
The monobrow

IN WILL COME
Customer friendly phrases
Health and Safety talks
Customer satisfaction surveys
Corporate Uniforms
Equality initiatives
Stricter waxing regimes

“We want to get away from old fashioned phrases with negative connotations”. Things like “victim”, “slaughtered” and “in a grisly stomach-churning massacre” are not appropriate these days. Our members prefer terms such as “valued client”, “treated” and “at an intervention location” to describe what they do” said a Spokeswolf today.

The BAW-WAW-AAAAW regulations are very similar to those used by the UK’s Confederation of Registered Gas Installers (CORGI), only with more teeth.

In future, werewolves, about to pounce on a “valued client” will be required by law to give read them a full Health and Safety information sheet outlining the procedure before ripping their throat out. It is recommended that clients are made aware that they will be allowed a full 30 seconds to scream, that once bitten, they will experience a sharp pain prior to feeling strangely weak, followed by collapsing to the ground and dying. They must be offered the use of a cycle helmet and knee and elbow pads to reduce the risk of skull and bone fractures during their fall. No fee is to be charged for the hire of this equipment. The helmets must be checked by a registered technician between each use.

Clients must complete a customer satisfaction survey before the “intervention”. There will be an opt-out clause on the form, but it must be in a font no larger than 6pt Curlz MT. Consumer groups argued that on a moonlit night in the woods, this may not be legible, but this request was rejected as being “picky”. The Survey will ask questions like:

Was your Werewolf;
A)Polite and chatty, B) A bit creepy, C) Terrifying D) Like a hound from the gates of hell?
Did he/ she/ it:
A)Buy you a coffee first and show you pictures of their cubs B) Explain the procedure clearly C) Howl incoherently D) Tear your jugular vein out without asking permission?
Would you recommend this service to a friend?
A)Yes B) No C) D’Uh?

Prior to being attacked, each werewolf will need to prove to their regulatory body that they carried out a full Equality Check on their client. They are obliged to ask the following questions to ensure fairness in their transactions. If you are not asked these questions, you are entitled to refuse to be bitten. Consumer groups point out that how much weight such objections will carry in the depths of moonlit forest clearings with no witnesses is in some doubt. However, the questions are:
Ethnicity:
Would you describe yourself as:
A)White B) Black C) Asian D) Mixed E) Undead
Sexuality:
Would you consider yourself;
A)Heterosexual B) Homosexual C) Other D) Strangely attracted to wolves if that helps right now
Disability:
Which part of your body would you like to have ripped off first?
A) Head B) Chest C) Legs D) Pinky
Lifestyle:
Would you describe yourself as:
A)A college kid who split up from the group B) A hot female driver who broke down on a deserted stretch of road in the woods C) A vagrant D) An American backpacker in London

To get away from the stereotyping and social stigma of being a werewolf, the old image of a hirsute, malodorous and often threatening wolf/human hybrid will soon be a thing of the dark past. The new guidelines suggest a smart burgundy polo shirt, open at the neck with a small silver W embroidered over the heart as the corporate look for all lycanthropes. Personal hygiene and good grooming are also being recommended as a result of discussions with focus groups carried out by BAW-WAW-AAAAW’s PR agency Zevon Remus Lupin/ Kessler Goodman.

Jobs your careers teacher never told you about...

2011-03-07T22:09:00.005+00:00

Growing up in 1970s Yorkshire, there were some career choices that just weren't available to us. Our teachers never offered us a choice of "Extreme Cake maker".
It was either British Steel or farming and that was that. Youngsters today, they don't know they're born.

What do they teach people these days? No 2

2011-03-07T15:33:00.003+00:00

The Police Chaplain was talking to us at the weekend. He was saying how he was washing the mugs up at the station when one of the new young Constables came in.
"Why are you washing up, Padre? It's not your job" the officer said. "My guv'nor used to wash people's feet, so this is not too bad" the Chaplain replied. "Who's your Guv'nor then?" asked the fresh faced youth.

What do they teach people these days? No 1

2011-03-07T15:29:00.002+00:00

I challenged the goalkeeper for a looping high ball into the area. He made a phenomenal leap and caught it way up in the air. "You leapt like a salmon there,buddy" I said. "You wot? Like a salmon? That's a funny thing to say. Fish don't jump" came the reply from the confused netminder.

ITIWM – Txt Spk

2011-02-25T08:31:00.002+00:00

LOL, WTF, ROFLMAO are the kinds of things young people say when communicating with each other nowadays. Using their own language speeds up their semi-literate ramblings and excludes older people from their world.
They probably don’t realise that years ago old people were young people and had their own acronyms that were just as rebellious. They had NORWICH, OMO and SWALK long before the invention of mobile phones and yet young people seem to be the only ones who use acronyms these days.
Many of the older generation have no idea what OMG and WTF mean. If they did, they would doubtless be appalled at the swear words and casual blasphemy hidden within.
Next time you send a text, try using less offensive abbreviations and more classic expressions. To express surprise, instead of OMG, use OMGA - Oh, my giddy Aunt.
In the place of WTF, why not say WDYSD - What did you say, dear?
Why type IMHO, when what you really mean is LTMSJ - Listen to me, Sonny Jim.
Replace ROFLMAO with ROFLFMCA - Roll on the floor, looking for my Carer Alarm
Add IIASA (If I am still alive) on to the end of talk to you later (TTYL)
Put INTL (I need the loo) after BRB (be right back), as young people love getting TMI.
LOL is an overused expression, rarely are text messages so hilarious you laugh loudly. Why not go for a more honest and accurate simple comment of SP – smiling politely? If of course, what you have just been told was side-splittingly rigolo, you could type ITIWM – I think I’ve wet myself. Play them at their own game!