A Little More Juju

Updaterino!

2018-06-24T13:46:00.000-04:00

I HAVE RETURNED.

Well, kinda. I'm still in Nashville, and honestly, I'm still fucking exhausted. The parents and I drove to South Carolina overnight, got there and loaded what was not absolutely ruined (and what I wanted) into the back of my dad's truck, and then drove straight back to Nashville, so ... that's what, sixteen hours of driving? My dad did the majority of the driving, and I took little catnaps throughout the whole thing, which was actually pretty difficult because - and did you know this - the backseat of trucks aren't the most comfortable places to sleep.

But I am okay. The house was absolutely disgusting and smelled terrible (and looked worse) and the majority of what I ended up taking was, as I suspected, up in the attic, which was apparently inhabited by mice? But whatever. My comic book collection and telescope are in better condition than I thought they'd be, and I found a pair of shoes I'd forgotten about! The washer and dryer supposedly still work, so when the roommate and I are looking for apartments, we'll be able to include w/d connections as a perk!

Again, though, I am okay. I cried a bit when I went to the backyard, and I was obviously overwhelmed when we first drove up. I think I muttered "I hate this place" about fifty times, but by the end of it, I was able to see the beauty of the state. I still loathe South Carolina - except you, Sullivan's Island, I will always love you - and I don't think that will change. After all, my dad still hates Charleston because of his ex-wife, and they've been divorced for over thirty-five years. Three never showed up, and I didn't see any of the cats, which actually hurt me more than anything. Sigh.

I'm going to take a nap and then head back to Louisville. I may put up another post about what happened, but ... I don't know if I'm ready for that yet? Either way, I am okay. I promise.

Finally ...

2018-06-22T20:30:00.000-04:00

Last month, I met with a divorce lawyer to finally get the ball rolling on legally ending my marriage. Initially elated with taking action, I spent the next few days kind of processing things in a way I hadn't before. It wasn't this fun, breezy thing I had imagined it would be - planning a black-veiled divorce party aboard a giant cruise ship and therapeutically burning Three's things. Instead, I was replaying all the experiences and emotions I'd felt over the last 7.5 years on full blast: the gaslighting, the blatant verbal attacks, the bizarre power plays, the lack of connections to anyone outside of him, etc. And it was in technicolor with surround sound, like I'd never left it. Because it is a part of me now, whether or not I like it.

Earlier this week, my rapist marched gleefully into my workplace to do his grocery shopping, unaware I'd spotted him. My stomach dropped, and I could not breathe for a few seconds. Thankfully, he never saw me, or if he did, he made sure to depart out of a different entrance. He was just Three 2.0, and I hated myself for ever opening up to him, allowing myself to be hurt even more than I was before.

Two days ago, I stood in my shower and cried, repeating, "I can't do this," over and over again until I could only mutter "can't can't can't can't can't" into the stream of hot water pouring down my face. My anxiety had been a steady presence for me for the previous several days, but it all just culminated in that one moment as I imagined what was coming.

Yesterday, I made an appointment with my lawyer for the final meeting before she drafts the divorce paperwork to send to Three. I sat in my car and cried, overwhelmed by relief, sadness, fear, happiness, and whatever emotion that came up.

And then today ... well, today, I'm going back to a place where some of the scariest, bleakest moments of my life took place. Three had a mental breakdown here, walking up and down the hallway and talking to invisible people he thought were trying to kill him. He finally revealed to me that he was an alcoholic because he couldn't maintain the lies he'd used to slowly peel me away from any other security and love that he couldn't really give me in the first place, because he'd been lying to me from the moment he met me, because he'd finally reached his breaking point. This was the last place I ever saw Kitkat and Bina, and Bitsy ran away after giving birth to six kittens in the closet by the front door. This was where I was truly alone, with no friends or family nearby and no safety net whatsoever. This was the final staging area of a five-year-long con that blew up in Three's face, although I'm still not sure what his final aim was.

To put it simply, I am not looking forward to returning to my home.

I'd made the plans to go to South Carolina a few days before meeting with my lawyer the first time, but I was uncharacteristically blase about the whole thing. Like, I was joking about the house and the fact that it is in foreclosure (yet another really fun story) and generally feeling nothing about it except maybe some mild irritation that I had to do it in the first place. And then I had a dream where I saw Bitsy, all mangled and scarred, Kitkat, terrified to approach me, and Three, just looming over me ominously and not uttering a word. It's like my body was in denial until it realized that, yet, I was actually going through with this, and it started freaking the fuck out, and it's like the rest of the universe is playing along.

It's a seven hour drive from Nashville, and I am making the trip with my parents to get the remainder of the stuff I left back in 2016. Even with my creepy/sad dream, I'm not really sure what I'm expecting to happen, if anything. I'm not even 100% sure what's there. I have a fairly good idea, since state housing is being exceptionally helpful, but they didn't have any pictures of the attic, where I'm assuming Three left a lot of stuff. What if I get there and it's literally just a bunch of destroyed stuff that I drove ten hours (including going down from Louisville to Nashville) to say, "Well, that can be thrown in the trash now?" That uncertainty certainly isn't helping matters.

I'm just so tired, so ready for this to be over. The end is in sight, thankfully, and in a few months, I will be able to close this chapter in my life. Logically, I know this is one of the last hurdles I need to jump over, but ... can't I just fast forward through these parts? That'd be nice.

31 Day The Legion Challenge, Day 23: Sexuality in The Legion

2018-01-29T10:00:00.000-05:00

Okay, on this one, I have a lot more to say.

When I first started writing what would eventually become The Legion, I was going through my own discovery period. I'd always had difficulty dealing with the fact that I was just as attracted to women as I was to men, and I was raised in a very strictly "hetero good, homo bad" way. Not only that, but I went to a school that taught abstinence-only exclusively, so suffice to say, any talk of the wide spectrum of sexualities wasn't something that came up too often, if ever. Understandably, I didn't write about actual sex because LOL how I could I? Even I knew that what little porn I'd managed to see wasn't realistic. But the emotional side of it? I could do that, even as an inexperienced sixteen-year-old. Lace, the main character, struggled with her own romantic feelings toward another woman, and ultimately, she rejected the love of a male suitor in order to explore her own future, wants, needs, and dreams. It was a very bittersweet ending, and I remember feeling very emotionally connected with Lace's story in a way that went deeper than just being her creator. I was her. But I didn't know exactly how. I wasn't fully prepared to fully delve into that at the time, but now? Well, let's talk about that, shall we?

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31 Day The Legion Challenge, Day 22: Fantasy Mixed with Sci-Fi

2018-01-28T21:31:00.000-05:00

This is actually going to be a really short one because, honestly, I've tried to make this into a full essay but just cannot. Anyway, the reason that I went with a fantasy-scifi mixture is because I have a really difficult time writing one or the other. I tried writing a hard scifi short story the other day and had to fight myself on trying to include "space magic."

So ... that's that? I wish I had more to say on this, but oh, well. Off to bed I go!

< DAY TWENTY-ONE: WORLD BUILDING CHALLENGES

DAY TWENTY-THREE: SEXUALITY IN THE LEGION >

BACK TO CHALLENGE

31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 21: World Building Challenges

2018-01-28T21:00:00.000-05:00

THINGS FANTASY WORLDS SHOULD HAVE, EVEN IF ONLY MENTIONED IN PASSING

-sports. so few fantasy worlds have established sports but look how important sports are to our own world. it'd be remiss not to at least mention sports
-newspapers or other forms of public communications
— lindsay beth (@ellle_em) January 22, 2018

I read this tweet a few days ago and I could just feel tingles going up and down my spine (The entire thread is amazing, so you should totally click over and read it) because I was already doing that in The Legion. I created merjua, a cross of rugby, soccer, and lacrosse, and Irika was a singer that showed up in the first original novella, A Million More to Go. I had developed these intricate societies and histories that definitely drove where a lot of my characters chose to go narratively (Ren is a good example of this), but I took a lot of inspiration from Battlestar Galactica there. I loved how they had the Pyramid game, which of course Starbuck played, a very active news system, and a main public religion that some bought into whereas others were more or less cultural followers of Kobol. The entire world felt real, and I wanted to capture that same feel.

31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 20: Hardest Scene to Write

2018-01-28T20:00:00.000-05:00

Since the actual hardest scene I've ever had to write in The Legion doesn't take place until much later - and it's very spoilery - I can't include it, but I can describe the scene in the first arc that I found to be the most difficult. Specifics, of course, are going to be avoided, but here goes:

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31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 19: Dahl Calder

2018-01-28T19:36:00.001-05:00

I know that I basically already covered Calder, but here we are again, I suppose. It's gonna be hard to keep from repeating myself because, yep, I still don't like Calder and the reasons why have not changed. I still can't go into detail about his past, but I guess I have to say something on this challenge. Sigh.

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31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 18: Tulay-brin

2018-01-28T18:30:00.000-05:00

Y'all. Y'all. I fucking found Tulay-brin. Like, he is exactly what I envisioned him to be and OMG dream casting right here. Forrest Goodluck is the perfect age and every single time I look at him, all I can think is TULAAYYYYYY.

Via IMDB

Like this has seriously almost cured me of this stupid pneumonia. Almost.

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31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 17: Tremany

2018-01-28T14:08:00.001-05:00

Alright, I officially have pneumonia and that's super fun. When I'm not feeling like absolute shit, I'm exhausted from feeling like absolute shit, so I haven't been able to do much except sleep. And cough. And then sleep some more. But, I am so behind on this challenge, and it's my stuff, so it's especially embarrassing that I'm only on day 17. I'm going to try and get caught up, but don't be surprised if I'm not able to.

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31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 16: Koca Murat Reis

2018-01-21T19:30:00.000-05:00

That's Captain Koca Murat Reis, thank you very much. God, she's such a badass. That's really all you need to know about her, but this is a Blogspot challenge, so you're about to get much more.

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31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 15: Mason Alderic

2018-01-21T19:05:00.000-05:00

Ohhhh Mason. Mason Mason Mason. Even though Annick is the character who changes the most over the course of the series, Mason is the character who I have changed the most over the course of the last ten years. First, he was the love interest for Lace, my original main character, although he was called Simon at the time, then he was just some lower level lackey for Phelan Dormani that only briefly irritated Ren, and then in his final incarnation, he was forced upon Ren as a chronicler. The poor thing was essentially fodder for mockery, and after I did the Parks and Rec challenge, I realized I didn't want anybody to be treated like Garry. So Mason changed again into who he is now, and honestly? I kinda adore him.

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31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 14: Annick Pajot

2018-01-18T09:30:00.001-05:00

Annick Pajot was never officially introduced in the original novellas because she didn't enter the story until ... the fifth novella, I think? And honestly, that's a shame because she truly is an amazing character. She's a magick user and an empath, smart but untested, and, like Ren, a survivor. It's not entirely fair to call her naive, and even sheltered doesn't do it; she definitely is not spoiled, for reasons you will see when I publish the novella in which she first appears, but there is a guarded innocence about her that's difficult to explain.

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31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 13: Ren Winde

2018-01-17T09:30:00.000-05:00

I am still sick, so yes, I am still behind. I'm at my second job right now that allows me plenty of free time to do writing while I'm manning the desk, so I'm going to try and knock as many of these out as I can. Also, fuck the flu. But anyway, on to the challenge:

YUS.

Okay, so I know I said that Larai was my favorite character, and I do not rescind my love for her. She's amazing and I want to be her friend IRL. That being said, Ren? She's my baby. True, all of my characters are like children to me in their own ways, but Ren sits so close to my heart.

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31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 12: Themes

2018-01-16T21:57:00.004-05:00

Sorry this is so late, you guys, but I have been exceptionally sick the past few days. I don't necessarily think it's the flu, but ugh, I feel absolutely awful. I'm going to try and get caught up today, but if I don't ... well, apologies.

Anyway, I know I said on the last challenge that I liked the novella series format because you can explore a lot of different themes that you might not be able to do in a novel due to the length, and I stand by that. In The Legion, I want to be as diverse and progressive as Brooklyn 99*, as epic in scope as Battlestar Galactica, and as deeply engrossing as Mass Effect. I want to discuss divisive issues like consent and homelessness, sexuality and revenge, sacrifice and love. I have a big task ahead of me, but it is something I feel compelled to do.

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31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 11: Novel v Novella

2018-01-11T09:30:00.000-05:00

I've been teetering and tottering back and forth on whether or not I should write novels or novellas, or hell, even novelettes for a ridiculous number of reasons, and even as we speak - well, as I type - I'm not 100% sure which I'm going to go with. Both have their merits, and honestly, I'd like to think that I'm excellent at both, but LOL yeah, that won't be an accurate statement.

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31 Day The Legion Challenge, Day 10: Cover Ideas

2018-01-10T09:30:00.000-05:00

The covers of my novellas are both the most exciting and the most daunting of tasks. Of course, I could hire someone, I suppose, but ... well, I'm poor. So a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

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31 Day The Legion Challenge, Day 9: Favorite People

2018-01-09T09:30:00.000-05:00

Based on yesterday's post, you might suspect that I'd be choosing the Torchi as my favorite people, but oh ho, you would be incorrect. The Torchi are definitely up there on my favorites list - I spent as much time creating the Torchi as I did the actual place - but they're not my #1. That goes to the Amir'Chavi.

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31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 8: Favorite Location

2018-01-08T09:30:00.000-05:00

Yayyyyy, it's a topic I don't have to be vague about!!! It's actually kind of helpful to set up the first novella here because, despite the entire series spanning the entire continent, it's the first place the readers visit that just happens to be my favorite location.

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31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 7: Favorite Arc

2018-01-07T10:30:00.000-05:00

Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit. I have to be vague again. Why didn't I just do this about the first arc? Well, too late to rewrite the challenge now, I suppose, and that means this post is basically bullshit. But whatever, I have to write something about it, so ...

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31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 6: Favorite Villain

2018-01-06T11:13:00.000-05:00

Oooooh, this one is actually kind of tough to do, too, because ... well, spoilers. Again. Dammit, I obviously didn't think this through. The first six days have essentially been, "Well, guys, I can't tell you much, but I looooove this particular thing," and that's not really going to change today. Sorry?

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31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 5: Favorite Minor Character

2018-01-05T09:30:00.000-05:00

Back when I worked for the state of Tennessee, I had to train for about three months on policy, the system, state and federal laws, etc., and to do this, there was a training program that had fake people and their situations. Boy howdy, was that super fun. But one good thing about going through all of that was I found awesome names to use for my characters. And Viji was one of them. I can talk a bit more about Viji than I could about Calder or Hara, so be prepared for a bit longer of a post today. Hurrah? I'm going with hurrah.

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31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 4: Favorite Character to Write

2018-01-04T09:30:00.000-05:00

As I look back through my various challenges to see my favorite characters, I have noticed a trend. You've got Anya, the outspoken ex-demon who just spouts whatever comes to her brain first, then Starbuck, the troubled yet brilliant Viper jockey who just spouts whatever comes to her brain first, then Grunt, the powerful krogan avatar perfection that he is and who just spouts whatever comes to his brain first ... I think you're seeing what I'm seeing. And my favorite character to write definitely fits that same bill.

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31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 3: Least Favorite Character

2018-01-03T09:30:00.000-05:00

I know I said, just yesterday, that my characters are kind of like my children. And really, they are: little, ethereal children with their own personalities and wants and needs and weird obsessions. I'm not an actual parent - unless you count being a cat mom - but I've heard from most parents that, yes, while you love all of your children, you definitely have your favorites, which implies that you also have your least favorites. And hoo boy, do I have a least favorite.

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31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 2: Favorite Character

2018-01-02T09:30:00.000-05:00

This question should really be a very hard one, considering that all of my characters are little pieces of me, and it feels a bit like picking your favorite child or, in my case, my favorite cat*, seeing as I don't have any offspring (yet). It's odd to experience fictional people becoming more than just ideas in your head; maybe I'm crazy, but these little puffs of imagination have developed their own voices and desires, and dammit if I don't have arguments with them whenever I'm trying to work a scene and they're not cooperating. Some are more entertaining than others, as I'll get to on Day Four, but on most days, I feel like I'm herding spectral toddlers.

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31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 1: When Did I Start The Legion?

2018-01-01T09:30:00.000-05:00

I started writing what would eventually become The Legion when I was 15 or 16 after watching one of my favorite childhood movies, Disney's Sleeping Beauty. I had completely worn out my VHS copy and was delighted when my parents presented the DVD to me on Christmas morning, so once clean-up was finished, I rushed to pop it into the player, bouncing with anticipation as the lush, tapestry-like art displayed across the screen and the glorious, sweeping music filled the room.
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