Well, my marriage is over. J has decided to call it quits.

Things hadn’t been right with us for a while, and it was on the cards so it’s not a complete shock. I just thought it would be me who had to end it, not him.

I’m not going to go into any details – it’s just not something I want to talk about on here.

The boys and I are doing ok. Once everything has been sorted out financially and officially I will move to the same town that my parents are in and start a new chapter in our lives. I hope he’ll keep in contact with the boys, but right now I don’t know if that will actually happen. Only time will tell.

I’m not really going to be posting much on here while I get my head together, but you can always find me on twitter.

In saying that, I have some uber-cute pics of the boys, so I’ll probably try to post them on and off.

]]> http://alittlespaceforme.com/2009/07/02/to-my-boys/feed/ 16 http://alittlespaceforme.com/2009/07/02/to-my-boys/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ALittleSpaceForMe/~3/TV-mjXafOms/ http://alittlespaceforme.com/2009/06/29/life-in-general-an-update/#comments Mon, 29 Jun 2009 20:47:34 +0000 Marylin http://alittlespaceforme.com/?p=1471

I keep coming here, thinking I should write something. I have started a few posts, they’re even in my drafts – I’m not normally one to have posts on the back-burner, but I seem to at the moment!

So, I went back on anti-depressants on Thursday. As I said before, I’ve been feeling like I was sliding back down that slippery slope, and that’s just not something I’m willing to let myself do. Five days in now, my anxiety levels have totally plummeted and I’ve had more energy/felt more motivated to get things done around the house instead of that, “oh, I really can’t be bothered” feeling I had been getting back a bit. Whether the meds have really kicked in so quickly, or it’s a placebo effect… well quite frankly, I don’t care, it’s working to help me not feel so unmotivated/emtional/upset/anxious, so I’m not going to bother about it!

Max has started responding to his name much more this week, and has found his rhythm too – we have another little mover in our midst it seems, shaking his shoulders and stamping his feet in time to music. Get’s it from me, naturally. He’s also finally figured out how to get down from the sofa safely, instead of practically putting his hands out and walking off it waiting for me to catch him! Just as well he’s such a cutie…

Zack has found the new “Voice Memos” app on my iPhone and has been recording little songs on there for me – *so* sweet to listen to. We seem to be getting on a lot better recently (I’ve jinxed it now haven’t I?). I think he’s now totally used to J being away and so isn’t as up and down as a result. Though he does still say he misses his daddy every day and asks when he’ll be home next – hopefully his 4th birthday in just over 2 weeks!

Speaking of Zack’s birthday, I haven’t got him anything yet. I don’t really know *what* to get him. We haven’t got anywhere that’d be suitable for him to ride a bike, and with me having Max and the buggy whenever we go out, he wouldn’t get much (if any) use out of it. We spent the weekend watching movies – particularly the Transformer movies, both the cartoon one of J’s from ‘86, and the live action one that was out a couple of years ago. He loved both of them, so I’m thinking maybe some Transformers. Then again, most of them seem to have a 5+ age rating, and I would hate for him to get them to find they were too difficult for him. I’ll be heading out on Weds afternoon (the last afternoon with Zack at nursery for 7 weeks!!) to hopefully buy some of his pressies without him seeing anything.

I’m also hoping to take him to see Ice Age 3 for his birthday. That’s assuming J definitely manages down ofc. It’ll be his first ever time at the cinema. I’m guessing that almost 3 weeks after it’s released there won’t be too many other people who will go to see it first thing, or at least (hopefully) they’ll be in a similar boat as me! LOL – I can keep my fingers crossed at least!

I’ve been listening to Lily Allen’s album “It’s Not Me, it’s You“, and I’m pretty damn impressed – every single track is great, in my opinion. Not something you get very often these days! I’ve had it on repeat since Sat night when I downloaded it from iTunes. I do need to be careful not to play a couple of the more explicit songs in front of the boys of course, but there’s still plenty of time in the evenings.

Ooh and here’s something that’s a bit of a pain… on thursday evening my neighbours’ kids were playing with their football outside (as usual, never a problem, they’re good kids!) and I was cosied up on the sofa for an evening of tv. I heard a *thud* and at the same time that happened, my Sky channels went to nothing. I don’t think they could have got the ball to hit it like that if they’d tried! I called up the tv company straight away and I don’t have to pay for anything to be replaced at least, but get this – the earliest appointment they had for someone to come out is July 8th. Almost two bloody weeks later! They are more than willing to take those two weeks off my bill thank goodness, otherwise I think I’d have cancelled my account with them and gone with another company all together. So that’s the reason for our movie-watching weekend. We have no tv. Dundee is notoriously bad for reception of terrestial tv, so we’re making do with movies and playing games on the Wii. I thought it would be so hard to be without, but actually I think it’s been a good change for all of us! I do miss my soaps though.

My parents are coming over for the afternoon tomorrow, so hopefully the weather won’t be too weird for that.I don’t know about the rest of the world, but here in Dundee it’s been very humid and whizzing between cloudy/overcast/drizzling and scorching sunshine with blue skies multiple times per day! Case in point: Zack was dressed in welly boots for nursery this morning as it had been pouring down with rain (they change into gym shoes inside). Two and a half hours later the sun was out and his feet were too hot, lol!

I’m off to bed for an earlyish night with a (hopefully) good book. Hmm, maybe not to bed quite yet. I just heard a very awake Max being cheerful in his cot, guess I’ll go visit a few more blogs then…

So, a couple of weeks ago I noticed I actually had an incoming link from someone – woot! I did my usual of checking it out, expecting it to be some scraper or other, but no it was a real! live! link! Not just a link – a mention. Not just a mention – an award! The Charming Award has been presented to me by Krissa from Halfasstic. Such a sweet woman who isn’t afraid to talk about whatever happens to be on her mind at the time – and watch out for when she posts photos, they can run you down there are so many!

Here’s the deal:

This award is given to the writers of blogs that are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

And what dear Krissa had to say about her eight charming bloggers:

Now, I am going to name my eight peeps and you really should stand and applaud.  Go ahead, nobody’s looking!  NO!  A golf clap will NOT do.  These kind souls deserve better than that!  I want to be able to hear it in south Texas.

First off – THANK YOU KRISSA! *hugs* That you even thought of me to begin with just fills me with happiness! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!

Secondly, my 8 bloggers – I don’t think there are only eight, this will be tough, but here goes…

1. Veronica from Sleepless Nights. My friend from, quite literally, the other side of the world. Despite being in different timezones, seasons and having different accents I have lost count of our similarities. I love chatting to you and our conversations really mean the world to me  – just so you know!
2. Kelly from Magnetoboldtoo. She is Awesome. She is honest. I love her. *smoochies*
3. Barbara from JoBart (the blog formerly known as BSouth). My friend from the same island. One day I’m going to descend on her for a weekend of fun and frolics.
4. Laura from Synchronization of Us. A fellow Scottish blogger who I found through SheWhoBlogs. I love hearing about her days with the kiddies – it’s nice to know that what I do every day is normal! Well… some of it at least.
5. Sandy from Momisodes. Such a sweetheart and oh my gosh I want to trade kids for a while – what a little cutie Babisodes is!
6. Tiff from Three Ring Circus. The most amazing, strong, wonderful mummy I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. x
7. Bre from TMI: How Much is Too Much? An ex WoW-blogger who I just love. The podcasts she does are awesome and I just *love* her laugh. I must meet her some day just to hear that laugh in real life!
8. TJ from Temerity Jane. The first blogger I ever stumbled on. Three years later I’m still reading – there’s a reason for that people!!

Thank you so much for being friends to me, I appreciate it so much more than you know. You’re my light on a dark day, my laughter in the shadows. xxx

P.S. 500th post! Hell yeah!!

I’ve been wallowing. The past couple of weeks, even when J was home the weekend before last, I have been feeling down in the dumps and sorry for myself.

Yesterday I started to feel that all too familiar pit-of-my-stomach feeling again. The one I had daily when I was stuck in my depression. Not as bad though. No where near as bad as it had been. Yesterday was a wake up call.

I won’t do it again. I won’t let myself go down that road again. No way. Not now. I can’t afford to. My boys need me. J needs me. I need to be at peace with myself to deal with the situation we’re in right now.

The only way I can make sure I don’t go this way again is to wake myself up and pull myself out of it. There’s no one else to turn to. Even if there was, it still needs to be ME who makes the change.

Looks like it’s time for me to redo my Flylady babysteps. All I need to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. You wouldn’t think that should be a hard thing to do, would you? When I get bogged down like I was feeling yesterday, even the smallest things start to overwhelm me, and I freeze. It’s all too much to deal with, I don’t know what to do to get started. Well, now I do.  I’m off to shine my sink.

Don’t watch anything romantic, anything that contains happy couples, even unhappy couples for that matter, while your spouse is seperated from you for a prolonged period of time. You will Cry, with a capital C. Big huge sobs will start pouring out and there’s not going to be a damn thing you can do about it but go with the flow (of tears and snot) and let it all out.

Being apart sucks. There’s nothing good coming out of it, other than it will be worth it in the long run.

IT WILL BE WORTH IT IN THE LONG RUN.

I don’t know how many times a day I have to repeat that to myself. How many times I see someone being picked up by their Daddy at nursery. Every day now Zack cries for his daddy, and you know what – I want to cry along with him. I want to stamp my feet and cry and scream because it’s NOT FAIR that we have to be apart. It’s NOT FAIR that my sons are having to be without their daddy. It’s NOT FAIR that none of it rests in our hands, that we have to rely on someone wanting to buy our house (in this financial climate – HA) to be together again.

I’m feeling sorry for myself (did you guess??). I woke up this morning AT 4AM (thank you Zack) with a hellish cough and my voice seems to have gone walkabout. Did you know that when you try to talk in your “don’t mess with Mummy” deep voice when you have lost your voice it comes out in a squeak and makes your almost-4-yr-old burst out laughing? Well, it does. To be fair both Zack and Max have been pretty good today, so I can only hope this continues till I start to feel better.

Then there’s the other side of things. When we do finally move up there, what if I don’t like it? What if we can’t afford a decent place? What if I don’t make any friends? I’ve finally made an awesome friend here, the first time I’ve had a girly friend like this for about 3 years, and I’m going to be moving away.

IT WILL BE WORTH IT IN THE LONG RUN.

Right?

…ish

My lil boy seems to like trance music. This was his attempt at the moves everyone knows from Pulp Fiction. What can I say… the boy can move, and pout!

Been kinda quiet here over the weekend as J was here. It’s always so nice to have him home, I just hate the bit where we have to say goodbye again. Oh well – not forever, right?

I came across this question recently, from a blog post… or Twitter, I can’t quite remember.

It got me thinking… what am I passionate about? I really don’t think I can answer that question right now. I don’t feel passionate about anything these days, other than getting out of this place and Up North to be with J. I feel like I’m stuck “on hold” until we’re there.

I talked to my mum about it. We reminisced about when I was young and loved anything to do with wildlife – especially horses. I could tell you exactly what each piece of equipment was and how to put it onto a horse/use it for grooming or whatever, despite the fact I’d never had lessons. I was a member of the WWF, and had dreams of being a vet working in wildlife reserves in Africa.

As I got older I decided that I wanted to be a marine biologist (dolphins are pretty!), and towards the end of my schooling I really enjoyed my human biology courses. Then, on a whim, changed my mind in my last year at school and went to uni to do psychology, then I switched to pharmacology. Then I had Zack and changed tracks thinking maybe I could be a nursery or primary teacher. Most recently I’ve been thinking of learning more about computing and web design.

To be honest, I wouldn’t say I was passionate about any of these. Interested yes. Very interested in some cases, but not passionate. I just never seem to be able to keep up the motivation for long enough to get anywhere. I’m amazed I’m still writing on this blog, and it will be 2 years old in November!

Even here though, I’m not exactly ‘passionate’ about anything am I? I like to take photos of my boys and show them off (the boys that is!) and write the odd haiku, but I’m not exactly talented at any of it, nowhere near. I don’t feel the need to pick up my camera all the time, or get out a notebook to write down my latest thoughts and ideas (maybe it would help if I actually had any!).

Right now, the only thing I’m passionate about is getting my family back together. That’s not a bad thing, I know. I just hate being tied here and not knowing – not being in control of any of it.

How long till we sell the house?

How long till I can think of something other than being kept on hold here?

How long till I can try to find out who I am again?

How long till I can just relax?

Ohhh dear… my Moleskine notebook addiction seems to be getting worse. They’re just! so! pretty! And they feel! so! nice!

I will find a use for them all, I will.