A look into MotorizedMillie's World

Done trying to hold it together

2011-10-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

I am done trying to hold it together. Since the last post that my mother put up toward the end of the week, I have been in meltdown mode. I also am not contacting the cottage at this point. I'm too hurt and too angry. There is another update on the caring bridge site and according to what my mother put on there, the doctor wants my dad to continue through cycle 6 as the tumor markers are down. One would think that news like that would make me happy but it doesn't. Was it Dad's choice to continue through cycle 6? Or is he doing it because he feels that's what he "should" do? Nothing has changed as far as me being excluded goes either, I saw by the latest update post that it's still happening.

Hurt and pissed off

2011-10-06T17:21:00.000-07:00

I am so hurt and pissed off right now it's unreal. Mom posted an update on dad's caring bridge site, and everything was fine until I read the last sentence which read as follows: "Peggy is flying in for a visit and that makes for a good weekend." It was an obvious dig, and once again sends the message that as far as they are concerned, I'm about as valued as dirt.

I have a huge problem with non believers who are disrespectful about it

2011-09-29T12:28:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have no problem with those who don't believe in mediums or the spirit world in general. However, I believe there is a right way and a wrong way to be a non believer. What I consider to be the right way to be a non believer is when the person who shares that opinion expresses it, but is respectful of those who do believe,like myself. To me, to goad someone who is a believer or worse, taunt them for being so, is the wrong way to be a non believer.

Someone who I mentioned in a previous post goaded one of my medium friends one too many times for my taste so I blocked this person.....now I won't have to see his taunting anywhere on Facebook anymore......thank goodness!

Rant ahead

2011-09-26T07:10:00.000-07:00

I know that there are skeptics out there that don't believe that mediums are real and in general, I have no problem with them. The only time I do have a problem with skeptics is when they do one of two things:

1. They either use their skepticism to disguise mean-spiritedness

2. Or they goad those of us who do believe.

There is a skeptic that is very well known to believers out there, who, in my opinion does both of these things that I've listed. In fact, he did it just before I started writing this post, and I'm now so angry there is steam coming out of my ears. I'm also so angry that I can't write any more on this.

I know I did the right thing....but now what?

2011-09-19T22:28:00.000-07:00

I know I did the right thing by telling my mom that I could no longer come to the cottage when dad was so close to having treatments, but now what? That's what I've been struggling with the last few days. I've been struggling with it so much that I couldn't even journal until now. I'm still struggling, but at least I feel like I can write again. My friend and assistant Lisa now knows about what I told my mother. Lisa asked me to tell her how I was feeling so that she could relay it when she talks to my mom. Now, I wait and see what happens next. My emotions were like a roller coaster even before I told mom what I was going to do and why, but now they're even more so, and it's driving me up the wall.

Varolo - Official Video

2011-09-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

Finally did it

2011-09-17T00:56:00.000-07:00

On Thursday night, my mother called, and when she called I told her that she would have to speak to my friend and assistant Lisa, because I couldn't come up to the cottage anymore when Dad was so close to having his chemo. When asked to explain why, I told her the truth, which is that I can no longer handle being the target of Dad's mood swings no matter how justified they may be. I also told her that I could no longer tolerate being constantly told that I need to be more tolerant of Dad and whatever else she thinks I'm doing wrong. As I said in a previous post, this last trip there was particularly hellish, and I simply can't go through that again.

My mother's response was to do what she usually does, which is to not validate my feelings and make it sound as though I'm the one with the problem and she and the rest of the family are perfect. That only makes me me more determined to stick to what I told her. I'm tired of being disrespected.

An unexpected jolt

2011-09-13T21:02:00.000-07:00

I received an unexpected jolt today. I am a member of a group that provides support for people with DID (formerly known as Multiple personality Disorder) and also tries to raise awareness of it as well. And every once in a while, someone from there will send me a friend request on Facebook. I don't mind when someone from the group does that because as I've stated before here, I am happy to help anyone in any way that I can.

Today, someone whose name I've seen before in the group sent me a friend request. I confirmed it, and went to her wall to say hello and to thank her for adding me. It was after that that I happened to look over and see her email address. It turns out that she was a very good friend of my partner Laura. who unfortunately committed suicide two years ago. Laura's friend is a very nice person, but it still brought back memories and reopened a wound that had scabbed over. I also don't know yet if Laura's friend knows that Laura is gone. That means that if she doesn't I'm going to be the one who will have to tell her. I dread the prospect of that.

People are still afraid and unwilling to educate themselves even now.....and that is shameful

2011-09-12T12:30:00.000-07:00

I have friends from all over the world and from all walks of life. And one thing that no one will know about me unless they happen to know me and what makes me tick is that I am very loyal to all of my friends, and if someone hurts any of my friends, the person who inflicted the hurt had better hope I don't find them. Yesterday, someone hurt one of my friends, but I didn't find out about it until about an hour ago. And while any circumstances under which any of my friends are hurt are awful, but this particular one is even more so.

My friend who was hurt is named M, and the person who hurt him did it by walking away from him because they couldn't handle that fact. I find it absolutely horrible that there are people that are afraid of HIV after all these years and all of the ways to educate yourself about it. I find it absolutely unconscionable that someone would be so unwilling to learn about ways to minimize the risk of infection. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that there are people that would choose fear over education about this. But most of all, my heart breaks for the friend who was hurt by narrowmindedness.

A difficult anniversary

2011-09-11T00:48:00.000-07:00

Today is a difficult day for me. Not just because of the terrible thing that happened ten years ago today, but also because today would have been my Auntie Beverly's 80th Birthday. She and my Uncle Ed were the ones that helped me so much when I was growing up. Beverly died two weeks after 911 and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her, but I'm especially thinking of her today. :-(

Embarrassed

2011-09-10T21:18:00.000-07:00

Most of the time, I see my cp as no big deal but there are times when having it can cause embarrassing things to happen. Earlier tonight was one of those times. I had fallen asleep earlier, only to find, when I woke up later, that I had wet the bed in my sleep. All bedding had to be changed. I'm still crying over it. I know it's not my fault that I can't get to the bathroom by myself, but it is embarrassing to wet the bed when one is 38 years old.

Why is Mom the only one who can tell Dad things related to his medical condition?

2011-09-09T02:28:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday Mom got a call from one of the nurses in charge of Dad's case. He had bloodwork done earlier that day in preparation for his next chemo treatment which will take place later today. The results of the bloodwork showed that Dad's hemoglobin is too low and he will need another blood transfusion. Mom set the transfusion up for tomorrow so that Dad wouldn't have to have a 12 hour day at the hospital.

Dad was upstairs taking a nap when the call came in, so I asked Mom if I could be the one to tell him the news when he came down. Immediately, she said no, that SHE was going to be the one to do it and no one else! I would like to know why Mom feels she is the only one who is/can be involved in this cancer crisis. Or rather, why she feels that only she and my sister are or can be involved in this cancer crisis. Since this whole nightmare started, I have felt excluded. When I say that I've felt excluded, I don't mean that I haven't been updated on Dad's condition as the need arises, what I mean is that I've felt excluded when it comes to being allowed to help Mom out etc. Okay, so maybe I can't do the big things like helping Dad get dressed, but I CAN do things such as setting up his meds, getting him things to drink, reading to him, etc, but I am not being allowed to do so. And it's no accident that I'm not being allowed to help out. That is really hurting me, especially since it's coming right on top of being the target for Dad's mood swings.

Something has shifted

2011-09-07T22:03:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what it is yet, but something has shifted. Dad did apologize for flaring up last night, but for some reason, even though I usually am very quick to accept someone's apology when it's given, I found myself unable to do so when dad did it. I told him that he couldn't make everyone around him feel miserable just because he does, and I told him that I accepted his apology so that he would drop the issue. There's only one problem though. When I told Dad I accepted his apology, those were just words. I am not able to accept his apology as I write this post. I don't know if this is just a passing feeling or not. I know that this probably makes me sound like a terrible daughter. But I just cannot accept his apology.

The next question is why. And so far, the answer is, I don't know yet. I'm working on that as we speak. What does all of this say about me? Have I become someone who doesn't care and is callous and heartless?

Ready to explode

2011-09-06T18:56:00.000-07:00

Dad flared up again about an hour ago, and that was bad enough, but now I'm really ready to explode because a few minutes ago, my mother just had the nerve to come in here and tell me that I need to be more tolerant of him, which makes me even madder. I understand that chemo is enough to make anyone feel like shit. But to my way of thinking, feeling ill does not give the person feeling ill the right to make those around them miserable. And all I hear from my mom is what I'm doing wrong and blah blah blah. Thanks for nothing Mom, as usual!

And here we go again

2011-09-05T15:09:00.000-07:00

I'm at the cottage visiting my dad again, and while there have been no arguments (so far) I did just have to call Mom out on something she did, and as usual, she didn't like it. There was a hanging basket over at my sister's cottage that Mom wanted to bring over here to this one. As Mom was telling me about it, Dad said that he wanted to go over and get it. Mom immediately jumped in and said that she was gonna go, and there was no room for argument. I told her to let Dad do it if that was something he wanted to do.She said he was too tired to go. My response was: "How do you know dad's too tired? Are you in his body? I don't think so."

It really irks me when someone claims to know what is best for someone else when that someone is still perfectly capable of judging what he/she is able to do.

Mom is driving me nuts-but she doesn't know that

2011-09-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in one of my lasts posts that my mom refuses to face reality. That continues to be the case, and I swear, I don't know how I'm gonna get through September 4-9 without wanting to shake her by the shoulders until her eyes pop out of her head. I just read the latest update on the website that Mom put up and that's what set me off again......Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

Angry

2011-09-01T22:53:00.000-07:00

I'm so angry at Metreshka's husband right now. I got an email from one of Metreshka's littles saying that he hurt her (the little) I know that some might read that last sentence and wonder why Metreshka doesn't get out of that relationship. I can't go into detail, but for many reasons it's not as simple as that, At times when he does things that upset her system, I wish it were, but it's not. To the little inside who emailed me: You ARE good. You ARE a good and brave little girl, and I love you lotslotslots.

Difficulties with Mom

2011-08-31T14:47:00.000-07:00

From the time that I was a little girl until I was an adult and had moved away from my parents, I used to pretend that everything was okay even when it wasn't. I did it to survive, but once I saw how unhealthy that was, I swore I would never do it again, and to this day, This has created difficulties with both of my parents but especially with my mother.

I talked with my mother today in order to check on Dad. She said the infection in his elbow was clearing up and that he would be going ahead with chemo this Friday.She then said that his appetite was good and that she hoped that after the chemo he would be feeling even better. It was at this point that I said to her that that would probably not be the case, and reminded her of what the pattern has been for dad after each session. She responded by saying that what I was saying was true, but that she kept hoping things would be different.

It was at this point that I ended the conversation as quickly as I could because although Mother didn't know it, I was angry. It drives me crazy that Mom simply will not face reality, and also that she expects me to play the game of let's-pretend-everything's-okay-even-though-its not. I don't care how angry it makes her, I refuse to play along with her anymore. I won't do it. Ever again.

Odds and ends

2011-08-30T22:24:00.000-07:00

I got my hair cut and colored yesterday, which I usually do every five weeks. I colored it black, and I keep my hair short so it's easier for me to take care of. I find myself missing my British friends even more than usual lately, Granted, I talk to them online every day, but sometimes, talking online is no substitute for a for-real hug.

I will be going to the cottage on Sunday afternoon and staying until the following Friday. I wonder what my dad's state of mind is going to be this time around?

Update on my dad

2011-08-27T21:53:00.000-07:00

Dad was to have started cycle number three of chemo on Friday, but it has been postponed for another week due to him developing an infection in his right elbow. Many might not know this, but my dad used to play football (the American version not the British one) and he once suffered an injury to his right elbow while playing. I guess it never fully healed and occasionally, the elboy will become inflamed and infected, which is what happened again. He was given strong antibiotics at the hospital and pills to take at home, so hopefully Dad will be able to start the cycle next Friday.

One of Mom and dad's friends really bugs me

2011-08-26T18:42:00.000-07:00

Mom set up a web site for my dad so that all of his friends can stay updated on his progress, Lots of people have been writing in the guestbook there, but there is one friend who lives not too far from our cottage that really bugs me. She wrote another entry in the guestbook today. I just saw it, and immediately my blood began to boil.

This particular friend of my parents is the type that thinks they know everything and acts as if they're above everyone. She is that and more......it's all I can do not to haul off and give her a smack right across the face when I see her guestbook entries. The stuck up bitch.

An explanation

2011-08-25T23:27:00.000-07:00

This post is meant to be an explanation to my new friend, For those interested, my new friend has DID, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. I have permission to mention her in my blog, and will, at her request, always refer to her as Metreshka when talking about her here. This is to protect her privacy and safety. This post is meant to be an explanation to Metreshka and all of those in her inside system.

Metreshka knows my story, and given what I have been through, she asks the valid question of why I would want to help others or even care about others. This is why.

In 2004, I was in a very dark place emotionally. At the time, I was in therapy to deal with issues stemming from the things that had happened to me as a child and young adult. I had reached a point in my therapy where I realized that those who had hurt me were going to get away with it and was very bitter about that. One day that year, I was surfing the channels, looking for something to watch on tv.when all of a sudden I heard a voice on one of the shows that was so gentle and caring that I immediately stopped surfing and went back to that channel. At the time, I did not know who this person was or what he did, something about his voice made me stop and listen though.

As I watched I learned that this man's name was Derek Acorah. I researched him online and found that he had written several books, the first of which was titled The Psychic World of Derek Acorah. I read this book from cover to cover and near the end of it there was a passage that touched me so deeply that it seemed as if Derek was speaking directly to me.

The passage, which I have now committed to memory, is as follows:

"There will be those reading this book who are physically or mentally unable to do much work in this world. Yet even the most disabled among us has a wonderful role to play in god's wonderful plan, The gift of a smile when all around know you are suffering is a beautiful thing. The light in your eyes as you see those who care for you brings with it joy. The touch of your hand will never be for gotten by those whose lives you share. No matter how ill, how injured, or incapacitated you may be, have faith in your own self. To your own self be true, and the path to gods kingdom will open up for you as surely as night follows day."

As soon as I finished reading that passage, I started to cry. But the tears I shed were not tears of anger or bitterness. These were cleansing tears, The bitterness I felt completely disappeared, and has not been back. Also, as a result of reading that passage, I now know in my heart and fully believe that my purpose for being here is to help others in whatever way I can, in whatever form that may take.

My definition of a friend

2011-08-25T00:19:00.000-07:00

Here is what my definition of a friend is.A friend is someone who is always there for you no matter what and does not expect anything in return. A friend is someone who listens without judging. A friend is someone who does not try to force others to do things that are hurtful or triggering. A friend is someone who does not bail out on someone when the going gets tough or hard.A friend is someone who accepts someone else as they are and doesn't try to change them. A friend is someone who validates feelings and emotions and does not belittle them.

There is someone in my life who is a new friend. This person has had everything that is the opposite of what I listed here happen to them and it makes my blood boil.

Why?

2011-08-23T07:47:00.000-07:00

Why is it that I'm expected to make compromises for others but it seems like no one will do the same for me? Lately, there is someone in my life who has been telling me what the two of us can and can't talk about. This wouldn't bother me, except that there seems to be more stuff on that list than there used to be. It irks me

Cancer sucks

2011-07-18T03:45:00.000-07:00

Cancer sucks pure and simple. I'm sure it's no surprise that I'm having a difficult time dealing with the roller coaster ride. My next visit up to the family cottage is tomorrow, and I'm scared because it was hard enough trying to keep the shocked expression off my face when I say my Dad last month, He has a year left at the most, and the way things are now, I think that's optimistic. He has started chemo and it has left him very weak. I'm trying to think of ways to spend time with him, but the present circumstances don't make it easy.