a lust for words

I've been TUMBLING!

2011-04-30T14:26:00.003-04:00

In case you didn't notice I am using Tumblr and keeping away from using my real name. You'll see why when you get there. :)

ViolettheVixen.tumblr.com

Positivity

2010-09-03T03:29:00.002-04:00

Working a night shift, instead of having to be up at the ass crack of dawn, is perfect for me. However it means that I am awake at this hour, 3:30am to be precise. Does it say something about myself when someone hears that I work at a strip club they assume I'm stripping? Why is there so much negativity towards girls who decide to make that their career choice? There are plenty of other jobs to be done, believe me. I just serve the pervs drinks.

Not all of the guys are pervs. As a matter of fact, the majority aren't. One guy asked me during my first week of work, "Do you like oral sex?" That caught me off guard. Serving at a strip club is so much different than a bar or definitely a restaurant. The language I use would definitely not be allowed at any other professional establishment, and the topic of conversation would most likely be awkward anywhere else.

All that matters to me at this moment in time is that I'm making enough money to pay my bills. And I'm happy. So stick that in your juice box and suck it, because no matter how much negativity comes my way I have one goal in mind to keep the positivity coming... California here I come.

I DO EXIST!

2010-08-23T18:08:00.003-04:00

You might not remember me, but my name is Heather. A couple months ago my life was turned upside down, and single handed, I picked it back up and put it together. Erasing myself from the blog world was a necessity because I didn't want to write about how I was going to fix my life, I just wanted to do it. Jinxing myself was another issue at hand. Things finally made sense and were going my way and I felt the first minute I put anything in words it would all crumble again.

Words were not in abundance any way. I don't even know how to explain how I got to where I am now other than to say I hit a low point and had no other direction to go. A swift kick in the ass was what I needed to understand how unhappy I was. Walking out of the office after quitting was the moment the clouds parted and the sun shined down from heaven. The angels even sang to me, believe it! The next best feeling? Getting a new job the same day making twice the money. It may be a strip club but I'm cocktail waitressing.

Getting a job was the first thing to fall into place. After a lot of drama and going our own ways Andrew and I decided that completely separate was not what we want. Don't get me wrong, we definitely need to be separate but together is still okay. Not jumping down each others throats or living in the same house. It feels like our relationship is at a normal pace now instead of light speed.

Relax is all I needed. An escape from all of the things that were making me unhappy, so I found it.

Building the Walls

2010-07-08T09:32:00.002-04:00

Sadness has taken over my life and I'm fighting with every ounce of strength that I have left to not let it get to me. Determined to overcome whatever life hands to me, I know I can get past it like I always have. This time it's different. I have changed.

There has only ever been few people besides Andrew that I let in fully, and one was Carmon. It seems like once I grow comfortable with someone they always leave, or drop dead. It puts somewhat of a damper on trusting people. Someone said to me yesterday, "you have to take chances on love." What if I don't want to? I'm tired of opening myself up only to be ripped to shreds. Why do I have to always be the one that's vulnerable and receive nothing in return? I wont do it, at least not for a while. I'm building up my walls again, even though I know it's not the right answer, it's the easiest for now. Just like I pulled the walls down I can easily build them up again.

Friends, is that really something I can handle being with him right now? The moment he finds someone else I know that I wont be able to. I'm closing the doors and boarding up the windows. No one is going to break me.

California Dreamin'

2010-07-01T11:45:00.004-04:00

There has been a battle inside of myself these past few weeks. In search of myself I have found more than I bargained for. Memories are hidden in the depths of my brain and digging them up is a dirty task. Anger is boiling over and I'm scrambling to turn down the heat, if it's even possible. I want to bite your head off, but instead I bite my tongue. If I continue, I won't have a tongue left. All I want is some peace of mind. Away from you and everything that reminds me of you. I want to erase the memories of the last year and a half because it's easier that way. It doesn't work like that though so I'm stuck remembering all of the good, bad, and denial. This would be much easier if it hadn't meant so much to me and obviously so little to you.

Despite everything, the only feeling I have towards you is anger. I don't miss you, I miss having a person to be there for me when I need them. Now I'm forced to be there for myself and surprisingly enough I do a very good job.

A year from now I plan to be far away from this place and from you. California has always been a place that I've been drawn to so I'm following my gut and doing what I need to for the first time in my life. I can finally say that I'm not doing anything because someone else thinks it's the right thing but instead because I want to, and I know that I will prevail. Happiness is my goal above all else and I am the only thing necessary to achieve it.

Dreams Take Shape

2010-06-29T09:59:00.003-04:00

The television screams harsh reality into my throbbing ears. It's not safe to leave my house. Is it even safe to be in my house? Crime is climbing to alarming rates in the "safe" suburbs of Virginia. Two girls that were a few blocks from my house and went to my old high school have been missing for 11 days. Another girl was found murdered in her crashed car down the street from my old house. Without cable I'm forced to watch what the world has come to. It is a bitter pill to swallow considering the recent peak in my anxiety.

Turning at an alarming rate, the universe slows down for no one. Especially not for me. Words race through my mind at the speed of light and I have no time to tackle the thoughts of doubt and fear. Everyone watched me crumble and now I'm trying to pick myself back up while horrible things are happening. Events such as the ones that have occurred recently make me feel so small. I am a minute detail of another person's novel. I'm sick of being in the prologue, I deserve some recognition. Looks like it's back to the drawing board. Once again I start from scratch, but this time I will make my life come first. My decisions will shape my own future instead of some false hope to save someone else.

Lies

2010-06-23T10:08:00.004-04:00

With everything that's going on I've realized a lot of things. Things that make my life maybe a little more confusing. Last week I went out with a few of my girlfriends who all happen to be lesbians and something came over me. It was like the truth was surging through my body as I danced the night away. This is where I belong. Comfortable in my own skin instead of trying to be something I'm not, straight. I'm not saying I'm a lesbian because there are way too many questions I have about myself to even know. However I do know that I am not straight in any way shape or form. I love women. They are magnificently beautiful creatures and I cherish them.

Obviously that makes life more confusing considering I spent the last year and a half with a man. The whole time I was with him I had doubts, but I ignored them because I made a commitment to him. I'm glad I was the only one that stuck to it.

He's in love with his ex and it's made me feel like everything was a lie. Maybe I was lying too. Lying to myself.

None of the time we spent together means anything anymore and I'm okay with it because now I can finally be myself and love it. Life happens and there are always going to be times of great pain but I have always prevailed. This is just a small fraction of what I have been handed and there is so much more to come. It was just a learning experience, maybe to help me figure out my own path, or to get to know myself better. I may not have all of the answers but I'm digging through the rubble and piecing it all back together again, but this time by myself. It's what needs to be done in order for me to be completely happy.

I love myself again for the first time in a long while, and I don't need anyone to tell me. This is where I am supposed to be, working through the mess instead of running from it.

The least initial deviation from the truth is multiplied later a thousandfold. ~Aristotle

Moving On

2010-06-21T09:32:00.004-04:00

In a matter of days my life has done a complete fucking 360. I have come full circle and moved back into my mother's house. We all know (okay, maybe not but now I'm telling you) that I have an abundance of family problems. After countless hours spent tossing and turning every night wondering where in the hell I was supposed to go after the break up I only had a couple options.

1. Find a place. The problem with this option? Well, I'm flat broke.
2. Move in with Mom. As I said earlier, I have lots of family issues and on top of that her house is already crowded and messy. I hate mess.
3. Run away to Oklahoma to stay with my aunt. Lots of issues with this option but on Tuesday it seemed like the most likely situation. I couldn't take my car (it's in his name) and I have my dog and all of my stuff here. What if I didn't like it and was bored to death? What if I couldn't find a job? Where would I end up a couple years from now?

It seems like all I do is ask myself questions. All I want are answers and I'm forced to search for them myself. The only way sleep is possible is from my medication, which seems to be helping immensely already.

To add onto the stress of not having anywhere to go, I'm obviously also dealing with the feelings of the actual break up. My emotions are like a roller coaster. I haven't been able to eat properly. At the end of everyday I feel a little more accomplished in my feelings of sadness and longing for him. Then when I wake up it all comes crashing back down. Every new day it starts all over again and I'm forced to remind myself of all the horrible shit I endured in order to feel better.

I know, typical break up. Everyone deals with it. All I know is that I want to be alone. I need to start loving myself again and just have fun because I sacrificed so much of myself when I was with him. Break ups are always going to be hard, but it gives you a chance to really get to know yourself and your feelings. In some ways I look at it as a blessing.

"Where you now stand is a result of thoughts and feelings that you have offered before, but where you are going is a result of your perspective of where you now stand."
- Esther Hicks, best-selling author and motivational speaker.

One More Time

2010-06-17T14:25:00.003-04:00

Crazy is a word that I am terrified to be associated as. Yes, I have anxiety and depression but I always feel like people are calling me "that crazy lady" or "the psycho" and it really bothers me. There is a stigma attached to any mental illness whether it be severe or not, and to me that makes it even harder to deal with.

Today I went to the Woodburn Center, which is a government funded health facility, and got some help. I was prescribed some medication and am finally feeling some sort of relief because it's been bottling up for so long. What made me wait this long to get some help? I have no idea, but I'm getting it now and I'm hoping it will save what is left of me.

It's not that I want to kill myself because I don't. I just wouldn't mind if someone else did it for me, which I know, is not healthy at all. All of these relationship issues were just the straw that broke the camels back. Everything piled on top of me until I just couldn't stand the weight anymore, and that's what always happens. However, I've always been incredibly good at picking up all the pieces. So that's just what I'm going to do, one by one, one step at a time, I'm going to clean up the mess that has become my life, one more time.

Hands Clenched Tight

2010-06-16T13:01:00.002-04:00

There are so many things that float around in my little head. I don't even know where to begin sometimes and that's when it all goes apeshit and explodes. Holding my tongue or controlling my temper have never been my strong suits but I am seriously trying to work on it because I'm tired of always pushing people away.

Life has been a mad house and I was trying to hold on so tight that I suffocated everything around me, even my plants. Trust me I did, because they're all dead.

Now I know that there is a huge need for time and space in the now really complicated relationship that I am in. Over all I'm ok with it, it's just the putting words into action thing that trips me up on occasion. My need to control every single situation to an unnecessary extent has known driven our relationship in a direction I was dreading. It's easy for me to go back and know exactly when and how it started so at least I know what needs to be done. If there is one thing that I am absolutely sure of it is that these things take patience and communication. There can't be any more little white lies coming from either side.

By giving each other space I get time to regain my own life back and strengthen my relationships with my friends. It's been something we've both been needing for a while, I was just afraid to loosen my grip.

Fin.

2010-06-15T08:20:00.002-04:00

Breaking up is hard to do is a fucking understatement. To me it means the last year and a half was wasted. Everything we were working towards just disappeared in a matter of moments and now I'm just trying with every ounce in my soul to forget what it feels like to love him. I now have to take care of our dog almost completely by myself, live in the same house as him, and somehow manage to stay sane through all of this.

I thought we decided together that forever was what we wanted.

The Sea of Lies

2010-06-07T14:56:00.002-04:00

The One I Drowned, originally uploaded by phil.wieler.

It's high tide and I'm struggling to stay afloat.
Gasping for air, and gripping for anything to hold onto
I'm searching for the exit.
Drowning in your broken promises,
Heavy waves crash into me,
Tearing me to shreds.

Your words they are killing me,
And ending everything we share.

Truth above all else is what I was diving for,
But I come up with so many lies to spare.
I'll hand them out to friends,
Send them in letters to strangers.
Maybe even feed them to the ducks.

This is where the story ends.
I'm finished being sick with anger,
I've tried and tried but had no luck.

It's too late to save me,
There are too many lies floating above my head.
Now what we share is dead.

Interuption of Life

2010-06-01T10:34:00.003-04:00

Clearly, as I'm sure you can tell, I'm distracted. Blogging hasn't been one of my top priorities due to the fact that I'm busy as hell with this new job at the salon and trying to get my life situated.

When I originally started this blog it was to release all of my emotions into something tangible. Words that express my insides so that I could better understand myself. I don't want to have to force myself to squeeze out every last ounce of creativity I have but lately it feels like I am when I write. I haven't written a word for my book and making excuses is annoying me so I'm just not even going to go there. I think it's possible that my creativity is going somewhere else right now. I have the urge to paint and I haven't in so long. Currently I'm in the process of trying to beautify my house and I'm loving every moment of it.

Life is unfolding and I'm happy with it. It's been a while since I've been able to say that.

But with that being said, I don't know how often I'm going to be posting. I'm not saying that this is the end what so ever, just that I'm not forcing it. It should be about me releasing my own creativity instead of just writing to fill space. When it comes I will write. Hopefully you'll stick around.

Hairtime!

2010-05-27T09:18:00.003-04:00

I was originally supposed to get my hair cut by my new boss on Tuesday but she had to run out for an "emergency" and I drove 30 minutes all the way out there for nothingggg. In shear disappointment I knew I still had to get my hair cut so I just went to my mother, who has great talent as you can see. The salon scheduled for me to be going in tomorrow for my color so hopefully no more emergencies pop up. This little working woman needs to get the show on the road.

Religious Tangent

2010-05-26T09:17:00.005-04:00

Just a heads up, I'm about to go on a tangent.

Times, they are a changing. Some people can hold on and ride the wave, and others are cemented in their own time with little possible movement. Usually, I find that most of these people who can not move with the general public are, well, extremely religious people. I'm not about to tell you that I don't believe in God, because I do. I just don't believe that we as men and women know exactly what he wants and have the power to tell people what he wants.

"The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed."

If there is one thing I can't stand it is teachings like this. Typically I try not to rustle any feathers but this is too much. Someone posted this on their Facebook today and it really irked me. I believe that times have changed. The bible was written ages ago and most of the principles taught are sometimes not applicable.

When I was 13 I converted to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, also known as the Mormons. It was right after my world had been uprooted from the abuse and I was severely depressed. My answer was searching for God. However, as I got older and understood more I realized that I don't exactly believe everything the church teaches. There is a difference between the Mormons that practice paligamy and the actual LDS people. Anything that is against the law (paligamy) is obviously not to be practiced. The only time I actually felt a part of the church is when I stayed in Germany. There were people there that knew of heavier things other than living in McLean with their 11 children, and they didn't judge me. I, for once, didn't feel like every time I walked into a classroom I was being stared at. When I returned to the states I didn't return to church. Shouldn't I be comfortable to worship God anyway that I want?

The biggest problem that I have with religion is the need to put a gender role on everything. In my opinion God does not discriminate against gays or lesbians. He's not going to exile me to hell because I fell in love with a woman or have lots of tattoos and drink a cup of coffee every day. I am a feminist and I do not believe that it is impossible for a woman to raise children by herself, or a man either. I also believe that two people of the same sex are completely capable of raising two perfectly healthy children. I think there are worse people that we should be worried about, like crack heads and drug dealers raising kids to become the same thing, or maybe worse like gang banging murderers.

If there is one thing I have learned believing what I do is not to try to change anyone, because in the end they are going to believe whatever they want. The only thing I don't understand is the need to persecute other people's beliefs and rights just because you don't share them. Especially when they will have no effect on your life what so ever.

Let's just remember, we're not in the stone age anymore people.

Tomorrow we will return with regular scheduled programming.

Back to Normalcy

2010-05-25T09:49:00.005-04:00

Currently I'm sitting on hold with Labcorp concerning some medical debts I owe. How much do I hate medical bills, you ask? A WHOLE FUCKING LOT. How a company can charge you $750 for lab tests is beyond me. All I know is I want these mother fuckers to stop fucking calling me so I'm trying really hard to resolve it all.

Like I said yesterday, things this week are jam packed, and I'm super excited about it. Today marks a new beginning with a new haircut and color and starting the new job on Thursday. It's been a very long time since I've had someone different touch my hair which makes me a little nervous but I have confidence in the salon that I'll be working for. It's going to be strange going back to a normal hair color and not having pink hair anymore. If there's one thing I love, it's being different and bold.

rant// You know what really gets on my nerves? People that ignore me when we used to be friends. It doesn't make any sense either. Okay, okay, we "dated" but not really and I dumped you but we talked after that. Now all of a sudden you finally get over your commitment issues and get a girlfriend and wont speak to me. I went to the hospital and had to get stitches and pay $500 because you wanted to be a fucking macho man and you can't even speak to me anymore? Well, fuck you too, and while you're at it, get over yourself. //endrant.

I know, I'm being super random today, but it's how I feel. Excitement is mustering up inside of me for the first time in a while. The house is coming together to be ours because the roommate is out and I'm loving it. Life is finally getting back to normal.

To Tide You Over

2010-05-24T09:23:00.002-04:00

My emotions are 100% back in check. Anxiety may rear it's ugly head every once in a while but other than that I'm feeling much better. It's a good thing too, because this week is going to be very very busy.

With that being said, writing probably wont be happening until after I meet with the detective. However, I'm going to leave you with some sweet tunes to occupy yourself.

The first time I saw Trouble Andrew it was last year with Santigold, and he was awesome.

This is from Minus The Bear's new album "OMNI" and I must say the album is quite delicious. This song is definitely my fav.

I've always been a big fan of A Fine Frenzy with their album "One Cell in the Sea" but the newest album, "Bomb in a Birdcage might be better in my opinion. I also have to add that she is really nice to look at.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

2010-05-20T08:55:00.003-04:00

While dealing with the book issues, I've also been dealing with other bull shit. Our roommate just moved out on Tuesday and I'm happy for him. Needless to say though, I finally got a good night sleep. After what seemed like forever of fighting the last few months were actually just fine because well, I think it's because he got laid and got a girlfriend.

Unfortunately the fact that he moved out has raised all of our bills. Not a huge amount but enough to make me worry a bit with only working part time and all. The new job doesn't start until the end of this month so I'm not sure around how much money I'll actually be making.

All I know is I woke up this morning refreshed for the first time in a while.

After spending all day cleaning up the mess that was our house after the roommate and his girlfriend left I was sure I was going to roll out of bed this morning exhausted. Instead it was like something had lifted itself and I feel fine, if not great. I don't feel as strange as I have been and it's nice. I know that everything will be okay in the end, but what I hate is the painful process of actually getting there.

But I know that I will get there.

Cleansing

2010-05-19T09:56:00.004-04:00

Catching up on sleep was my main priority these past few days. I apologize for being a bad blogger, but life and figuring out this book have been my main focus. Anxiety has been taking its toll. For the time being I am unable to be home alone at night. Every time Andrew wants to leave and it's dark outside I panic. There has never been a problem with it before but I think it's pretty clear as to why it's happening. I hate admitting defeat but right now it seems like that's what is going on.

All I want is to feel safe and I haven't been able to feel that since he got out of jail. The fear was peaked after reading the case files.

In search of the tapes I called the detective on the case last week and left a message on his voice mail. He called me back in a couple of days and immediately recognized me. Which is probably a bad thing considering that means my case stuck out to him. He is now currently working in the homicide department, so to me, that means it was most likely one of his most disturbing or serious cases. The detective was very open to letting me read his notes, listen to tapes, and ask him any questions I want. Honestly his enthusiasm with helping me has made me excited to get this done. I'm just waiting for his call to tell me when to go by the station.

Sometimes I feel as if talking about what happened is too intense for people to handle. Whenever I bring it up to people I always feel as if I'm burdening them with my problems. Somewhere inside myself I know that is usually not the case, but it doesn't prevent the feelings. There are so many emotions that surround me at this point and I'm not quite sure how to release them. More than anything there is this cloud of disgust eating away at me. Of course I know that none of it was my fault but I can't help the fact that I feel disgusting and dirty. My body is tainted and I can't wash it away.

All I want is to cleanse myself of this filth.

The Blame Game

2010-05-13T09:11:00.005-04:00

The words were to harsh to swallow all at once, but I read them anyway. I kept reading the records until there was no more to read. So many things to figure out. What's the purpose of making myself suffer even more than I already have? Oh yeah, clarity. As I read the words I could see everything happening again, but this time feeling some sort of explanation as to why he did it.

Not because he had fantasies about exploiting children, no it was the alcohol, or so he says.

Reading the reports made me realize one thing: he is absolutely pathetic. Violating children is not only disgusting but it up heaves everything, and changes the way a person thinks and feels. It's not only wrong but it's damaging to say the least. Yet this man wants to blame something so serious on a substance that causes you to become inebriated. I'm sorry but the thoughts still have to be there. They stem from somewhere deep within his brain that can be easily accessible when plastered at 1am to make him enter a child's room and fondle her. I doubt that the thoughts of pedophelia are only in his head when there is a presence of massive amounts of booze.

Excuses, excuses.

The man who ruined my life was so afraid of jail time that he had his family and friends send in letters to the judge begging for a lesser sentence, stating how they could never imagine him committing the crime he was accused of. Well guess what, he did. To three of his own children. Yet the company was still willing to employ him if he didn't go to jail. He confessed.

The tapes of the sting operation are still being hunted down. It seems as if no one in the court system, or the justice system, know how to go about listening to them. The fact that just reading this information on some pieces of paper tore me up so much scares me to listen to the tapes. I don't even know if it's a good idea. Considering the moment Andrew went to go out with his friends and leave me alone at the house I had a panic attack and forced him to stay with me because I was afraid, is a sure sign that I'm not ready. I have a feeling that I will never be fully ready for something of that magnitude, but I'm determined to get past this.

Sting Ops and Court Records

2010-05-12T10:06:00.003-04:00

Staring bold faced into my fears is not something I like to do very often but in order to get past this lull in my writing I really need to do it. Last week I dragged the boyfriend kicking and screaming to the Fairfax County Courthouse. My mission: to listen to the sting operation from 2001. A long ass fucking time ago. I was trembling and weary of actually listening to the truth for the first time in oh, 9 years. I know that I have to in order to get anywhere in writing this book because I can't remember anything close enough to the story. I need to remember, for my sake, and for the book. Unfortunately, since the records are so old they were in archives so I had to submit for them to be brought to the courthouse. A couple days later I got a call that they had arrived and today is the day that I go to read/listen to them.

I'm scared.

I don't know how much I really do want to listen to the words that came from my own mouth to catch him. To make him confess and be forced to plead guilty it was the only option. When I think of the words "sting operation" I think of the movies when someone's child is kidnapped and they're waiting for the ransom call. Not an incestuous step father running from his demons.

Am I ready for this? As ready as I'll ever be, and that's not very much. As difficult as it may be I know that it's neccessary and I am capable of staying strong with the help of my companion by my side to comfort me if need be.

I don't know what I would do without that fella.

Patiently Waiting

2010-05-11T09:44:00.007-04:00

The moment I stepped foot in the salon for the interview I was shaking. My body was in panic mode and not sure how to cure it I just went with it. Confidence wasn't something I was lacking but add the fact that I've only been in a nice salon doing hair, ummm how about never, to my nervousness I was afraid of screwing up monumentally.

My sister was my model and she did a great job of sitting and looking pretty. The hair took me about an hour to foil the whole thing. Girl's got a lot of hair. I let her sit under heat lamps, which I had never used before, to help move along the lifting process. She was finished and I was trembling with anticipation. Judgment day was upon me and I was so unprepared.

The highlights turned out great but since I'm somewhat of a newbie I don't like to get too close to the scalp because that's usually when bleeding (of the bleach or whatever color you use, not her actual head!) occurs. She praised me on the fact that it hadn't bled and reiterated what I already knew. I was so terrified that the fact that the highlights were too far away from her scalp would mean that I was done.

"I'll give you a call on Monday." She told me as I was leaving.

Great, more waiting. I'm a very impatient person. I despise waiting for test results, phone calls, and practically anything.

Monday rolled around and by 2pm I hadn't heard anything so I decided I should make the call to show some initiative. Turns out it was a great idea. She told me that they "want me" and they just want to iron over the details and have me come in to talk about contracts and availability.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is a great opportunity and nothing else will barge in and crush my dreams.

I'm going to shamelessly plug my blog and ask that you click here and vote for me!

Suitcase Tour Comes to DC!

2010-05-10T10:27:00.002-04:00

Friday night we went out to see Johnny Cupcakes for the second time on his suitcase tour. I love the brand because it's so personable and the fact that the creator wants to meet the people that support him.

Oh snap, I'm in this video with Andrew! I'm the girl with the sweet blond and pink hair, and Andrew is the one showing off his tattoo.

Doing it and Doing it Well

2010-05-07T11:59:00.002-04:00

I'm in desperate need of getting out of this funk. The weather is beautiful outside and everything is going to be okay. Even if it is hard right now the only thing that's going to make it better is me, not sitting around moping about it.

In order not to jinx myself I didn't write about the interview I had on Tuesday. Now I'm probably going to jinx myself but fuck it. It was an upscale salon about twenty minutes from my house that is owned by a family. The lady worked at Alexader de Paris, one of the most famous salons in my area, for 25 years. I would do anything for this job. The interview went great and they asked me to bring in a model to do a highlight on, so I'm bringing my sister at 3.

Nervous isn't even a word to describe what I'm feeling about the situation. More like petrified. I know I can do it and well too, I just can't stand the thought of people watching me critiquing my every move. I'm doing it either way, and I will do it well.

Empty

2010-05-06T10:52:00.002-04:00

Everything is up in the air right now. In a cloud, above my head, just out of reach.

There are so many things that are bothering me at this moment that I don't even know what to write anymore.

I'm on empty.