A Matter of Time; Don't try this on your own

2013-01-25T20:08:00.000-05:00

I'm at a lost of words. I clearly don't understand how something that can cause a person to nervously breakdown has turned out to be the picture perfect life for me. I'm confused because apparently society feels like I should be miserable in the worst case scenerio I do get upset, then I have so many blessings pouring in I have no choice but to feel good. My absolute worst thing I can think that is going to kill me is getting rid of this raggity dog that I have grown to love.

2012-07-25T20:33:00.001-04:00

Lawd why

2012-07-19T12:38:00.001-04:00

Right along with your depressing funk!!!!

The epitome of loneliness...

2012-07-09T03:26:00.001-04:00

Theoretically speaking loneliness is a state of mind. One person is actually never alone. So long as this particular person is not subject to solitary confindment. I myself prefer it. Call me crazy, but I certainly can go without the drama of another persons thoughts and actions.

Anybody can be beautiful but to be truely loved would be absolutely delicious

2011-05-15T20:18:00.003-04:00

Castles made of sand melt into the sea eventually

2011-02-05T06:34:00.000-05:00

As a little girl the most beautiful thing I ever saw was a woman wearing no makeup at all. At first I was in total owe thinking this woman most be a mad woman. I had never seen any woman in my life not plaster their face with makeup and then spray their bodies down with expensive perfumes. This was a ritual that I dreaded I hated strong perfumes as a matter of fact the only one I ever liked was a perfume named Sunflowers I'm not sure if I still like it though. I remember standing in the bathroom observing everyone trying to learn how to put on that awful eye liner and that thick mascara. Not to mention the foundation that itches like hell. And my Grandmother saying we wear makeup to add a little color to our faces. When really she had all the color she needed a perfect blend of nature chocolate skin with the right amount of freckles mixed in with a perfect shade of gray and then here comes the clown.

So then I discovered it was optional. I didn't have to wait until I was thirteen to totally obliverate my character. The perfect face that reflected back to me in the mirror. And wear a little color on my checks while I was clearly waiting on my freckles. And have mascara running down my face everytime I cried.

You see when I was young I knew exactly what I wanted in life. I knew what would make me happy.
I had a picture perfect life planned ahead. I believed that I would have achieved it by now. But now
I never thought to myself if I'm so unhappy at home than why do I linger here. They think I'm crazy that I'm reaching my goals in life and I should shut up and go with the flow. I can't believe you read one story in the bible and your trying to relate it to your life. Nobody knows my relationship with GOD I prayed to him. And I believe I got my answer. So even though things are on the up and up my inner child is telling me that I can achieve more I deserve better and how dare you look at me in the mirror and pretend with me that you are happy. And I'm discovering that I need to do what makes me happy.

If I never see you again it would be too soon

2010-12-30T09:31:00.000-05:00

They say you get three loves, the first one to teach you to have sex, the second to raise a family, and the third to give you unconditional love. First one check; second one check; onto the next one. I can't take all this drama I don't want to love ever again unless it's an unconditional, spiritual enrichment, quality friendship.

Top Ten Reasons to be Honest

2010-12-29T14:29:00.000-05:00

1. Honesty means being authentic.

Honesty is a reflection of yourself and your true feelings. If
you want people to know who you really are, just be honest.
2. Honesty shows courage.
It takes an immense amount of courage to say what you feel. It
is difficult and takes practice and patience.
3. Honesty shows you care.
When you're honest, with yourself and others, it shows how much
you really care. When people experience a caring attitude - it makes
them stop and think.
4. Honesty creates a circle of love.
Honesty sets an example that can create more honesty. This
energy translates into love and can create an on-going circle of
loving relationships.
5. Honesty shows maturity.
Many times there can be hurt and pain associated with honesty.
A mature person can prepare for that and work through it with the
other person.
6. Honesty fosters a connection.
Honesty can bring people close. It forms a bond, or connection
because the two people may be working with some very painful issues.
7. Honesty feels exhilarating.
It feels great to be authentic and say what you feel,
especially when it's well received.
8. Honesty eliminates garbage.
Hiding true feelings or withholding information turns into
emotional garbage. Too much negative energy can be spent on
dishonesty. Being honest eliminates garbage and cleans out your
emotional tank!
9. Honesty will attract honesty.
If honesty is truly important to you and it's practiced
regularly, you will soon attract the same type of people into your
life.
10. Honesty can keep you out of trouble!!
We all know how you can dig yourself in deeper with lies and
deceit. So don't even go there!! Start with a clean slate by staying
honest

My attitude is celibate I Dont Give a Fuck

2010-12-20T13:30:00.001-05:00

I talked about my father like a dog for over the last 2yrs. And now he's in the hospital dying. So far the guilt hasn't set in. But I'm extremely sad he is still my Daddy. I shoudn't of fed into his drama when he walked around telling everyone that he doesn't talk to me anymore. I should of just ignored him and kept annoying him. Then a part of me says oh well it was his decision and it's been his choice all my life. Oh and I can't go see him because he girlfriend didn't put my name on the list. Which I never ever heard of a hospital having a visiting list. But his girlfriend decided that that was the best thing. And since he's in a coma he now has no say so.

One day I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

2010-12-15T14:55:00.001-05:00

Why is it the lonliness consumes you? Why did I feel a sudden rush of saddness everytime I get lonely? All the time I sit around and wish people would leave me alone. Then the minute I'm alone I get frustrated.

When I was younger I use to make a wish everytime I heard a airplane fly over my head during nap time. I wish that I had that kind of imagination now. These days I can hardly sleep worrying over everything and replaying everything in my head. Childhood memories, My father dying, and Infidelity clog my thinking. I no longer have a vivid imagination. I now have a perceptive imagination. And quite frankly I hate my perception. I woke up this morning and all I can say to myself is, "My concious is fucking with me."

Yeah and the new baby......

Isabella"s Rapist

2010-10-14T13:51:00.000-04:00

He makes me so angry. Just the fact that all my life I had to be red bone with no explanation. Or that fact on how he belittled her husband, and put him in a powerless situation. I only wish he would of killed that creep. Or even not knowing the four generations of white people that are clearly my kin; even possibly how they would feel about joining a family reunion. It's infuriating to know that they have to be a part of my past, but they never had to know this story as a part of their past. For me to have to tell my children that this is why their so fair skinned and for them to not even know that we even exist. For all those who think that racism does not exist I would like to disagree. I'm a decendant of a multi-billionaire; whose white children are highly favored, Yet whose black children are left out high and dry. We are a race of people with no where to go. We are confined to third world America.

And the Lord said, Arise, anoint him: for this is he

2010-10-12T05:00:00.000-04:00

David from the bible has been an inspiration in my life. In my heart I knew that if I prayed on it God would send me a king, a kindred spirit. A man who is cunning in playing, and a mighty valiant man, and a man of war, and prudent in matters, and a comely person, and the Lord is with him. I felt like my prayers were answered at one point of my life. Because I could see this in his eyes. Almost an angelic spirit that was hiding behind pain and misery. And I thought if I could just be here with him to help him get anointed that this would be the one for me. Yet I realized as the anointing came to him, I choked and I became jealous. I felt like my anointing was being stolen from me. That my peace with my life and with the Lord was being stolen from me. And that the evil spirt from the lord was stuck in me and I felt miserable. I thought I had saved him and that he should be appreciative of me. I thought that I deserved compensation for all that I had put up for with him. Not realizing that I could of just been used as a instrument. Or that possibly this is not my David. And with so much emphasis on that name David you would think one out of my three sons would have that name. The story of David gave me hope. Because I have been sleeping with the sheep. My life has been at a stand still literally counting sheep. And I was also hopeful that one day the queen in my would shine. It just seems that before him I was more cunning, more valiant, had more fight, was more prudent in matters, and a better looking person. And for some reason I can't help but to feel like he's stolen a dream, my David spirit from me. And is living my dream, and is making me crawl; beg; scrapple like Ruth. How do you know when your season has changed and it's time for a new season? Because here he is my king laying lame in my heart. Is it time for me to no longer mourn for us?

For the lord seeth not as a man seeth: for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the lord looketh on the heart. 1Samuel 16: 7

Immanuel Issachar

2010-09-25T20:44:00.000-04:00

Born 09/17/10. And I haven't slept since. Surprisingly I don't mind when I'm not sleeping and it's for him. But majority of my running around has been for his father. Who apparently believes that these are my duties not even 24hrs out of the hospital he's asking me to do him favors. So how is he surprised when the cops should up at the door during his 8 hour tyrant from 4:30am until 12:20pm of how much he hates me, how miserable I make him, how I don't do what I should in the relationship, my parents and myself are losers and I don't deserve any help from him, I act like a trick asking him for money. And I'm shocked because I'm not a trick a 4:00 mon- friday when he needs a ride to work, or his mother has to go to rehab, or his sister needs food or rides to school. I'm not a trick when he has his other 2 sons over here for me to take care of like a personal babysitter for him and his ex. I'm not a trick when he needs me. But now that I've been out of work for almost 2 months. My money is funny, my rent is late, my lights have been cut off and cut back on after a plea with the electric company. Yet he lays in here everyday, eating my food, dirtying up my house, and using everything I have ie.... soaps, lotions, gas, electicity, cable, etc. I sat patiently all morning while he went on and on how he's leaving and this he's not coming back. Which originally was my suggestion. He tried to act real fly like I'm the one who calls him to come back. And I really feel like I haven't called him one time since March which was my original move out of his life. Why is it that he thinks I'm supposed to do all this running for someone who hates me so much. I had no idea the feeling was mutual. I mean his presence got one my nerves 100%. I thought if I had to see him shit, naked, or walking around scratching his dirty dick I would die. Literally. He says you think I'm bad lets see what your next man is like. And I say next man. You've got to be kidding. Someone new to crawl behind. Kick Rocks. Who in their right mind would want another man after what I've been through with him. If you read my other blog Write a book on how you make me feel you would understand why that would be crazy. If you haven't send me you email and I'll invite you. Well atleast I have my snuggly new baby. Who is so extremely cute.

A Stranger in the Mirror

2010-09-03T06:39:00.000-04:00

[She had made it, and she was as lonely now as she been then. Who was it who had said, "when you get there, there is no there...?"

I am filled with restlessness a yearning for something I've never known. It is nameless, but it is there.]

The post started out being a letter to my father. How dare he judge me after 28 yrs of my life, he's been absent. He doesn't even know me. He doesn't know my abusers and the abusive I've suffered. To me he's a coward. He has not been here to protect me. And still as a little girl I believed that he loved me. My life as I've explained before is conditional. I am sprung from the season that I've lived and observed. I've decided not to reflect on him or how he makes me feel.

Do you talk to yourself in the mirror? Sometimes I can look in the mirror and the person looking back at me is not the person that I live my life for. Sometimes I can look in the mirror and feel shame. Sometimes I can look and see the most beautiful girl in the world. My mirror image talks to me. And I've been told all my life that as long as you don't talk back; it would be okay. Yet this is the person who makes the major decisions in my life. If I look in the mirror and the reflection is not pleasing I know that something is wrong with my soul. And that an immediate change needs to be made. So why am I so content with life as it stands now. I have not been pleased in yrs with the reflection in the mirror. I can sense hurt and pain in the depths of my eyes. And lately I just look away. The question is: Why am I unhappy? I have exactly what I want in life.

my mood

2010-08-05T11:04:00.000-04:00

One month to go.........

2010-07-26T14:51:00.000-04:00

and already I've developed, anemia, carpal tunnel syndrome, and anxiety. And to top all this off my 10 mth old abuses me. Somebody call adult protective services. My family mistreats me.

Everytime I think of my life, I hear this song:

"Your so fly your so high Everbody around you trying to figure out why your so cool you win all the time Everywhere you go man you get alot of shine Boy like a magnet better yet I have it Everything you wear people say they got have it From the sweat suit to the white tee to the gucci You can probably say people wanna get like me But what they don't know is when you go home and get behind closed doors man you hit the floor and what they can't see is your on your knees. So the next time you get it just tell em It's the God in me. you think I'm so fresh you think I'm so clean. you think I'm so sweet It's the God in me What is it, you think you see? It's the God in Me. You see her style you think she nice. you look at her whip you say the whip tight. You look at her crib you thinkin she paid. you look at her life you think she's got it made. but everything she got the girl's been given. She calls it a blessing but you call it living. When it comes to money she can be a hero. She writes them checks with a whole lot of zeros. But what you don't know is when she get home. and get behind closed doors man she hit the floor. and what you can't see is she on her knees. And if you ask her she'll tell ya. It's the God in me you think I'm so fresh you think I'm so clean. You think I'm so sweet It's the God in me. What is it, you think you see? It's the God in Me"

Peter Pan Syndrome

2010-07-15T16:47:00.001-04:00

I'm tired of men with this crumped up attittude about life. Like men that want to do the same things that they did from 13-27 and are now going on 37 and longing to do these same thing. I like a man that is happy to be a man. Not one that's out running amoke trying to still be young, and free of responsiblility. Men that want to think, and plan, and grow. Not one that says well I did this all my life and I have a burning desire to keep doing that. Even though the things they were doing were the most simpleton, ignorant, immature things in life. This is not never-never land. Grow the hell up. Love the skin your in. Your mature, aged, wise skin. And mind. It's like haven't you learned anything from life's lessons. Find another desire a grown man like desire.

Just got done watching this on HBO

2010-07-14T22:12:00.000-04:00

Damn right I like the life I live cuz I went from negative to positive and it's all goood!

2010-07-01T15:51:00.000-04:00

Last night I stumbled across a journal I kept around 2007 and 2008. I cringed opening it. Because I could remember each time I sat and wrote in the journal. These were the times of my life when I felt so alone that I had to talk/write to myself about the problems I was going through and the way I felt. My first instinct was to throw it out, before anyone one else finds it and reads it. I skimmed through the words, but flashbacks of the pain and agony I suffered resurfaced from deep within and I decided not to read it. My soul purpose of writing down the things I had gone through was so I could never forget and never forgive. I can honestly say that I've moved on. I always felt like all these things happened because of the fast track life I was living. And when I decided to slow down for my own self-worth and dignity I crashed. I fell into hell on earth. I always wished I continued to live the same way; carefree, ditzy, exotic living. I didn't have to face reality. Involunterily I became someone that I didn't even know.

Right now I feel I'm finally outgrowning that part of my life. It's just that I don't know if I'm ready to re-read those days yet. It's amazing how much I grew and matured since then. I'm almost 30yrs old. OMG my 20's flew by. Life is to short. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

SUMMER FLICKS WITH FAMILY

2010-06-29T16:42:00.000-04:00

Mama told me they're be days like this But I'm pissed cause it stays like this-- tupac

2010-06-25T11:48:00.000-04:00

When Barak Obama first became president I was so excited, but now I'm like wait a minute no other president had to get permission to pass laws like this guy. I'm thinking either this was a major C-O-N spiracy or he's still institutionalized to the white america. Imagine that. My conspirarcy theory consist of this: the government knew things was fucked up so they allowed a black president to be elected so that the blame would be on blacks. I can't express more how I believe the Republicans threw the election, and now they went and blew up an oil rig. These is some grimmy ppl, that must be watched. Barry stand up and don't take this shit from them. Bush never would have.

Colored people are human weeds and they are to be exterminated

2010-06-21T09:54:00.001-04:00

Is Legal Abortion Black Genocide?

Margaret Sanger--

"A Nation rises or sinks on the physical or mental quality of it's citizens. It cannot thrive when it's fundamental structure is based on defective stock, the increase of morons, feeble minded psychopaths or diseased slum population."

"Colored people are human weeds and they are to be exterminated"

Margaret Sanger was an advocate for the legal distribution of birth control in the United States from the 1920s until her death in 1966. Sanger worked closely with Hannah Stone and later Abraham Stone at the Margaret Sanger Research Bureau in New York City. The Bureau, originally founded by Sanger as the Birth Control Clinical Research Center in 1923, was renamed in her honor in 1942.

Margaret Sanger founder of Planned Parenthood

-Responsible for 50,000,000 human deaths in the stomachs of their mothers in urban areas.

-Former Ku Klux Klan member

A Dog Walks On All Fours

2010-06-16T11:51:00.002-04:00

It's just sex, not to be equal or associated with love, it's just fucking. It took me a short time after I thought I was making love to figure out that men do not equate sex and love. Matter of fact the quicker you give it up the more reason that they have to leave you. This is why when I was younger the boys thought I was crazy. Here I am with my first, my second, and my third thinking that I loved them. Only wanting to have sex with someone that I had feelings for. I didn't understand that men didn't say to themselves I love her, we're making love. NO to them it was just fucking. And when I came with all that emotional I love you more than the world shit they brushed me off as crazy. I was not the one that they wanted to stay with forever. They're sole purpose was sex. And here I am trying to start a damn family and grow old and swing on porch swings together with my so-called love of my life. After the third heart-break I learned to differentiate the two. I learned how to fuck, instead of make love. How to seperate all emotions from sex. How to not become a emotional wreck with everyone I layed with. And to my surprise I was loved by men for that. They hated me for wanting to be a one man virtuous woman. Then once I got loosed they flocked to me and every single one of them loved me. Then I became a heartless wreck because I could care less how you felt, I was doing me. And if you sniffed around to much you became a lame, needy man. And most likely ended up cut. Seriously I used to keep atleast four men around, (not sleeping with all of them). I called myself A Bitch(A female dog), because a dog walked on all fours. It's just funny to me how the table turned, I wish that I stayed a virgin.

FML- It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.

2010-06-15T10:40:00.000-04:00

C.R.E.A.M GET THAT MONEY

Evidentually my co-worker sitting around all day twiddling her thumbs ends up my fault at the end of the day. According to the rest of the staff. Apparently I don't say enough to her. I'm perturbed because last time I check I still had the same title and made the same amount of money. No one said okay now your the manager and we're going to pay you this for this new position to make sure that all your co-workers are doing there job. I could of sworn that we already had someone in the office that's here to make sure everyone has an agenda and that the work is getting done right. When I'm not doing what I should be doing I have the person sending memos and agendas all day. Last time I checked I was not a snitch or a babysitter. Now how the hell do I supposed to get my job done and constantly be checking on this Broad. I only trained her going on 3 yrs now you would think she would have her own swing of things, instead I'm supposed to come in everyday and say okay today we're doing this and this for the 156th time so you sit here and check these and circle these and then input them into the system. If she can't understand A-B then how the hell is that my fault. I'm saying I can manage the Broad if they want me too, but not for this little bit of money.

New Beginnings

2010-06-10T09:23:00.001-04:00

I had the ultrasound. I'm so happy that this baby wasn't an abortion. Here we are in the middle of the 7th month and this baby weighing in at approximately 2 pounds looked just like the real thing in my belly. The ultrasound gave me a great shot of his face and my lil baby that was going to be an abortion looks just like my oldest son. He look as if I could just reach in and grab him out and cuddle with him. Like he was looking up at me saying Mommy I see you. And all the urges I've had like smoking weed, cigarettes and drinking liquor disappeared. I don't even miss that anymore. Since the ultrasound I have come into terms with having a new baby around. And I'm excited. He; a boy; Immanuel just like God said. I kinda wanted a lil girl.

I feel bad for any woman who has ever went out here and had an abortion. Espeacially the ones that use it as a form of birthcontrol. I think that woman should definetly experience child birth and mother hood. Just my opinion. And I wish they would stop holding up this health care reform just because they cant decide about whether or not to add abortion to it.

P.S. I'm mad as hell about this oil spill, I can't believe no one has a back up plan for when things like this happen. How can you start something and you don't know how to control it. *Crooks*. They say it wont be over until about the end of the fall. So that most likely means until next summer. The world might really be ending. Well Happy Trails.