Harper Lee, the author of To Kill a Mockingbird, is a profound theologian. She cleverly disguises her musings in the shroud of fiction, but it is there, waiting to pounce. I first read this book back in high school (as most of us did) and I remember liking it. So much so that when it came time to name our third child, second daughter, the main character came to mind: Scout—a six year old tom boy. After she was born I ran over to Barnes and Noble and purchased a copy of the book so my wife could read it while killing time nursing Scout. She is going through another book right now and so I cracked it open (it does the mind good to get lost in fiction from time to time). I’m about halfway through it right now stopped me in my reading-tracks.

If you recall, Atticus Finch (Scout’s father) is defending a black man, Tom Robinson. The town is not very happy about this and saves no breath in spewing their insults both at Atticus and his kids, Scout and Jem. Well just after Jem (the older brother) loses control and defaces a neighbor’s garden after she insults his dad by calling him a nigger lover, Scout and Atticus have the following conversation:

(Atticus speaking) “This case, Tom Robinson’s case, is something that goes to the essence of a man’s conscience—Scout, I couldn’t go to church and worship God if I didn’t try to help that man.”

(Scout) “Atticus, you must be wrong. . . .”

“How’s that?”

“Well, most folks seem to think they’re right and you’re wrong. . . .”

“They’re certainly entitled to think that, and they’re entitled to full respect for their opinions,” said Atticus, “but before I can live with other folks I’ve got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience.”

Wow. “Before I can live with other folks I’ve got to live with myself.”

I love the humility of Atticus. Instead of lambasting those who are judging him, he simply let’s them be and loves them, saying that they are entitled to their opinions and deserve his full respect. He could have used this as a teaching-moment for Scout and laid into the injustices of racial segregation and racism. Instead, he used it to teach her love. And that before she could be OK with others, she needed to be OK with herself. In essence, to love others with the same measure she loved herself. I took it as this: to the degree that I am OK in my own skin is the degree that I am capable of loving others in their skin.

The other thing was the whole majority rule. To me, I have to follow God in my own good conscience as led by his Spirit. It is not a vote (specially one that took place 1700 years ago). It is not What is everyone else doing?, but, What is God calling me to do? The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority is a man’s conscience. Can you hear the freedom found in those words?

I don’t know, those words just really spoke to me with where I am at in life.

Cool stuff, Atticus, I mean Harper.

So here it is. There are a few reasons I could throw out there as to why I haven’t been blogging or commenting as much in the past few weeks (’xcept here). I could say that is it because of Scout, our newborn. I could tell you that it is because of the semi-sleep-deprived nights due to said newborn. I could lie to you and say that it is because I just don’t have much to say (as if). I might even be tempted to say it is because of a fellow named Jim Bean (a little shout-out to Chad and Kentucky). But I won’t. If you’ve caught anything from my blog you may have caught that I am enjoying the freedom of being honest with God, myself, and others. So I won’t lie. I am comfortable with the truth—no matter how ugly. So here is my confession of why it has been a little less noisy around here at Mending Shiftville. Four words: Metal Gear Solid 4.

Ohhhh, that felt good to get off my chest. It’s true. My crack-game has been robbing me of precious evening blog time. Please forgive me. I offer no excuses (not even that I am the father of a son).

But hey, I am almost done with the 1st chapter (out of 5 chapters and after over 7-hours of game play). That has to be worth something!

Or not. [sulking]

But enough of this groveling; Snake is calling my name. brb

A great friend of mine (for real) just posted his first blog post this morning. Please go pay him a visit. He is a very talented writer that writes from a very deep reservoir that  God has built. His blog is called “Stepping out of the Gray“. Add him to your RSS feed because your soul will be blessed. When your there, leave Dave a comment and welcome him to the blogosphere. This is a very big moment for him…

If someone else said to me the things I say about myself in my mind, I would quickly be imprisoned for assault…perhaps murder.

I’m sure we all would.

The full moon rises over the shoulders of eight men encircled. Wine is poured, bread is broken. The wind chills our feet shrouded in flip-flops. Jesus is present as we remember. We serve each other as a white owl flies overhead surveying the rolling fields. We pause and pay tribute to its beauty. We eat, we drink, we love.

The full moon reflects the sun’s light as chairs are pulled out of a truck and encircled. Cigars are cut and lit, stories are told. Laughter ensues as eight men simply are. Together. At peace, soaking up the moment. Together. Real, flawed, human. Another burst of laughter echoed by another. Another story, tears falling. Friendship deepening.

The full moon glides slowly, looking on with its gentle, quiet presence. Cigars snuffed. Eight men stand encircled. Hand are grasped by the other. Deep blessings flow freely from one man to another, broken by a comment, then laughter, back to blessing. Each man shares how they are leaving the night. Thankful. Inexpressible joy. Peace. Each soaking up the moment as if it were passing as slow as the moon overhead, wishing it would pause. Hands topped by hands form a circle. The Lord’s prayer. Thy kingdom come. Thy kingdom come.

Eight men. One moon. One purpose. God’s.

Thy kingdom came.

Thank you, Daddy!

Thank you.

A face I have not seen or thought about in over seven-years (2001) invaded my dreams last night. Just out of the blue this old childhood friend appeared as I slept. So when I woke up this morning I did what any sane person living in the age of the internet does, I Googled him. What I learned has been sitting in my gut ever since. I learned that he passed away in December, 2004.

His name was Donnie. Donnie grew up with us when I was in middle school and was a great friend of my brother. I have many, many fond memories of hanging out with my brother’s “gang” which encompassed three people: my brother, Ron and Don. We moved out of the area in High School but I later returned in 1998. That was when I ran into Donnie again and where my regret harkens back to.

Back in 2001 I went to Blockbuster Video to rent a video one Saturday afternoon. After I selected the video I went to the counter to pay for it. I reached into my back pocket pulled out my wallet when I looked up and saw a familiar face. It was Donnie. Now I am not sure what you do when you see an unexpected face from the past invade your present, but I tend to freeze up (blame my INFPness). Especially then. You see I had just stepped down from a ministry position, was working in Property management and was basically feeling a huge lack of self-worth and mounds of shame. So when I saw Donnie I was not at the place to desire relationship with an old acquaintance. I did not welcome any probing or the dreaded questions or the more painful answers. So I gave him the token 3-minutes of how-have-you-been?-oh-I’m-OK small chat, paid for my movie and left. I dodged pain as well as a relationship. Now I wish I would had chosen relationship. I really do.

After hearing he passed away that memory of the last time I saw Donnie in Blockbuster returned and with it came the feelings I felt while talking with him. As I sat in my living room recalling that moment a strange void entered my soul that I would never get the chance to talk with Donnie again in this life. Then came the regrets. I regret not taking an afternoon spent over coffee reconnecting and sharing memories. I regret valuing my pain-protection over relationship with Donnie. Please don’t feel the need to rescue me from my regrets. They are valuable feelings and I need to let them sink in deeply so I can recall their lesson the next time I am tempted to flee from relationship with another for the sake of my comfort. Regrets serve a purpose. I am feeling my soul shift towards healing by embracing my regrets.

Even with the limited relationship I had with Donnie the news of his death shook me. It was really strange how someone with whom I had not had a relationship with for nearly 19 years could leave such a void and cause such emotions to bubble to the surface. Even Jen, my wife, noticed how this really shook me. But none the less, it did.

I would like to think that if given the same opportunity today I would extend in invitation for coffee and relationship. I would like to think that I am at the place where enough of my pain and shame has been destroyed by God’s love that I would value others. I would like to think that I would never let a friend slip by because of my insecurities, only to regret it when their life vanishes. I would like to think… [sigh] …only by God’s grace, only through God’s love. May it be.

Donnie, you are missed. 1973-2004

Have you ever lost someone and been confronted with regrets?

I was reading the Jesus’ words at the beginning of Matthew 5 and it caused me to ask the question, Which one of these do I most identify with right now—currently—in my life? So let me ask us that question. Here are Jesus’ words. As you read them, ask: Which one of these do I most identify with right now—currently—in my life? and why?

1. “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
2. “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
3. “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.
4. “You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.
5. “You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.
6. “You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
7. “You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.
8. “You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.
9. “Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don’t like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.

I really look forward to the honest dialogue…

P.S. I’ll share my answer in the comments to follow.

I gave blood today and am feeling very tired.

I can’t imagine what my wife feels like after giving birth!

We’re a miserable pair tonight. lol

If heaven was God being fully present with us here on earth, like in the garden, with a restored earth and heavens, would we still desire it? or not?

In other words, if eternity was spent with God on earth, and not a distant, other-dimensional, ethereal “heavenly” place somewhere out there beyond the blue, would it would worth it? or not?

Ask it another way: if it was God and God alone without all of the “heavenly” fixin’s — just earth, God, and us — would that be something we still would long for and desire? or not?

Interested in your thoughts and conversation.

That’s over 13,000 miles per hour!!

If you watch anything this week, please watch this. It is an 11 minute video summary of Jon’s (a friend of mine) experience traveling across the U.S. via bicycle with a message that children’s cancers need to become 100% curable. Jon, welcome home!