A Mighty Change...

General Conference

2011-10-16T16:04:00.000-06:00

What a spiritually uplifting weekend. I have discovered that I always get re-motivated in my battle against pornography after watching General Conference. It just gives you that push and desire that you need. I end up doing better in my callings, spend more time reading scriptures and saying my prayers on a consistent basis, and all in all just a better person. The problem is I have yet found a way to continue that strength of General Conference over the next six months. In fact, by the time Conference rolls around again, I have lost my way again and fallen in to the trap of pornography. I need to figure out what it takes to do that and I think this Conference did just that.

Serving Others
I learned that serving others can have a great impact on your ability to overcome temptation. By serving others, you are also serving God. (Mosiah 3:16) By serving God you are allowing His spirit to be a part of your lives. Allowing the Spirit in to our minds and our hearts strengthens us to withstand temptation.

Prayer
Praying makes a huge difference in our ability to withstand temptation. As we pray every morning and every night and have a prayer always in our hearts, our Father in Heaven will be with us always, especially when we need him the most. (Alma 34:27, 39-41)

Scriptures
Reading the scriptures has great power, especially reading the Book of Mormon. If you have the opportunity, read the October issue of the Ensign magazine. It is all about the Book of Mormon with talks in it from President Ezra Taft Benson and Elder David A. Bednar, just to name a few. It really helped me realize more of the importance in reading the Book of Mormon. Not just reading it though, it is more about studying it, feasting upon it, where we really understand the power of the scriptures. By studying it out and applying what we learn into our lives, we gain knowledge from on high which also directs us where we should go.

The amazing thing about General Conference is that no one ever gets the same thing out of conference as some one else. You may not have even noticed anything about the three things I mentioned above but because of what I learned, I'm hoping that I will be able to stay on the straight and narrow and not have to hang on to the side of the cliff or pull myself out the lake I fell in.

I know this post a few weeks late but hopefully it will help in some way.

Have an awesome day!

Wax Strong in the Spirit

2011-09-25T15:00:00.000-06:00

Since my last post I have been clean both body and mind. I have not had any desire to look at pornography.   I have been studying in the scriptures about the Spirit. I prayed this morning to learn more about how to receive the Spirit stronger in my life. I read in the scriptures about the story of Alma the elder and when he was teaching the people during the reign of King Noah. He taught them something that I had not noticed before. In Mosiah 18:26 Alma teaches, "[a]nd the priests were not to depend upon the people for their support; but for their labor they were to receive the grace of God, that they might wax strong in the Spirit, having the knowledge of God, that they might teach with power and authority from God." (emphasis added) I had always looked at the section of that verse that talked about the priests not receiving any support from the people. It was next part that surprised me, "for their labor they were to receive the grace of God, that they might wax strong in the Spirit." You must labor in the kingdom for the opportunity to receive the Spirit stronger in your life. I testify that is true.

Examples of the strength of Spirit
Let's look at some examples of this for a minute.

Missionaries
Today, we had a returned missionary speak in sacrament meeting. For the missionary who is obedient to the mission rules and follows the counsel of God and their Mission President, the Spirit is stronger in them then most any other person on earth. They have their whole "might, mind, and strength" focused on the work of the Lord, on building the kingdom of God on earth. I could see this in the face and hear it in the words of the returned missionary as he spoke. He gave examples of experiences that required great faith and required the Spirit to be very strong with him to be guided to do some of the things and perform some of the miracles which were done during his missionary service.

The Leaders of the Church
The one group of people that compare in the strength of the Spirit to the missionaries are our leaders. Just look at the Prophet and the Apostles. Their focus in on building the kingdom of God. As they spend tireless hours working towards this end, the Spirit of God grows stronger and stronger in them each and everyday. As I did with the returned missionary I heard today, you can see and hear how strong the Spirit is in our leaders when you watch General Conference. We will all have an opportunity to be a part of this next weekend.

Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ is the ultimate example of this. He devoted his whole life to building His Father's kingdom as it is His kingdom as well. He labored unceasingly to do His Father's will. The Holy Ghost was so strong with the Savior that He always knew what the will of His Father was and had the strength to do it, no matter what the cost.

If we are truly to be able to have the strength to overcome the addiction to pornography and do our Father's will, we must have the Spirit with us. In order to have the Spirit with us, we must labor in the vineyard. By laboring in the vineyard, the Spirit will grow stronger and stronger in us which we will enable us to overcome temptation.

We cannot do it alone. Only with the help of God through the influence of the Holy Spirit can we reach our potential and overcome our addiction.

Remember, Remember...

2011-09-24T01:11:00.000-06:00

I almost forgot, or maybe tried to forget, about this blog. A comment that was left on my last blog post helped to bring it back to my memory. I also remembered why I started this blog in the first place. I needed this blog so I can share my triumphs and my failures and to get comments from other people, as in the latest comment that was posted. I have felt that it is a responsibility of mine to help others (and myself) overcome the addiction to pornography. I have not been doing my job. The important thing for me is that I follow the promptings of the Spirit. As I do that, the Spirit will grow stronger within me. That Spirit is what will allow me to withstand and eventually overcome my addiction to pornography.

Highest Highs to Lowest Lows

2009-04-24T15:40:00.001-06:00

There have been times in my life where I have experienced some of the most spiritual experiences in my life; firesides, temple visits, testimony meetings, member visits, etc. It has been awesome! I come home after that and feel so high on the spirit that I feel as if I can do anything. I always recommit myself at that point to do better in following the commandments and in serving others. It seems that nothing can go wrong at that point and I thank my Heavenly Father for the great blessings I have received, then the most unusual thing happens. I get a very strong desire to look at pornography. Why would that happen? It is to the point where 99% of the time I cannot resist and fall back into the cycle.

If you can imagine or maybe have felt the spiritual high I described above, can you imagine the low I feel after falling that far after returning to the cycle of pornography?

What do you think? Why does this happen, does it happen to others or am I alone in this?

Something to thing about…

Focus on the Important Things

2009-04-22T16:14:00.001-06:00

Having that focus makes a hung difference. Here is the list of the most important things to me that help me stay focused:

Being there for my family
Being worthy of the Priesthood of God
Being worthy of the Spirit of God
Being worthy to perform ordinances (blessings, baptisms of my kids, ordinations to the priesthood for my boys, etc.)
Being worthy to enter the temple of God
Being able to be with my wife in the eternities

This way, my mind stays focused and doesn’t wander into strange paths.

What is on your list? What do you do to help keep your mind focused on the important things?

Apology…

2009-04-21T12:26:00.001-06:00

I would like to apologize to anyone who might be following this blog, hoping for some help or insight into helping themselves with their pornography addiction. I have not been very good at keeping up on this blog. I’m going to do better. I know how much it helps others to hear about others’ experiences on overcoming a pornography addiction.

Today, let me just share a link to a blog post by Mark Kastleman, the co-founder of Candeo.

Pornography and the Mole Crickets

This article describes exactly what is happening in our society today. The question is: “How much damage will the underground mole crickets of porn inflict before we take it all seriously?”

Source: Candeo

Forgiveness

2009-01-13T21:59:00.004-07:00

For all those who may be reading this post, I apologize for the long break between posts. It has been a very stressful time. It has only been two months but in some ways it has felt like an eternity. I have had a handful of slip ups over these last two months. I would contribute that more to having less of an opportunity to view pornography than of my own will to change. Don't get me wrong, I do have a will to change. I want to change more than anything. I want this yoke removed from me. I frequently feel that it is pulling me down and I am unable to progress or fully understand what my full potential is because of it. This weakness is a great burden and I hope and pray each day that the Lord will take it from me.

I have made progess. The last two times I have slipped, I have taken the more difficult road, especially for me, and told my wife the same day that it happened. She is truly the most understanding and supportive person I know. How many wives would stick with their husbands through something like this? I love her more than anything. It is because of her and the kids that I continue to fight this.

My most recent slip up was this morning. I told me wife and asked for her for her forgiveness. On my way to work, a thought hit me. I realized the amazing power of forgiveness part of repentance. I was in a very dark and cloudy mood after I slipped. I was feeling guilty and feeling sorry for myself. After asking for forgiveness from my wife, it was almost as if a veil was lifted or a weight was taken off my shoulders. After thinking about that while driving to work, I realized that don't have to rely upon myself to over come this. Christ gave us the answer: "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

Trust in the Lord

2008-11-09T14:13:00.003-07:00

I have discovered over the last week the importance of trusting in the Lord. The ways that I have trusted in the Lord over the last week is three-fold. First, I trust in the Lord through following the counsel of the Bishop. The Bishop gave me some very good suggestions on how to overcome my addiction to pornography. Second, I trust in the Lord through taking time in my day to read the scriptures or the talks given in General Conference. The talks especially have given me hope as well as a greater desire to "trust in the Lord." Third, I trust in the Lord through saying morning and evening prayers. Elder Bednar taught that "[w]e are promised that if we pray sincerely for that which is right and good and in accordance with God’s will, we can be blessed, protected, and directed." (Pray Always, Elder David A. Bednar) I have felt a closeness to the Spirit this last week that I have not felt for a long time. There are two scriptures that explain my feelings probably better than I can:

"O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm." (2 Nephi 4:34)

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5)

The Strength of the Temple

2008-11-01T06:53:00.003-06:00

This morning I had an opportunity to attend the temple. My Bishop has asked that I attend the temple weekly. Being close enough to temple, I have the opportunity and blessing to be able to do that. What a glorious experience! It just rejuvenates and strengthens you. I highly recommend anyone who is struggling with a pornography addiction that has the ability to attend the temple regularly. Obviously it is important to be worthy to enter into the House of the Lord. As you set that goal to attend the temple regularly (as often as you can) the Lord will strengthen your resolve and you will become worthy to attend the temple. Then you can share in the power that is in the Lord's house. You will then be strengthened even more. The Lord will fulfill his promise as stated in Doctrine and Covenants 84:88 which states "...I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."

On a side note, I have learned another thing this week that might benefit anyone who is struggling with addiction. Talk to someone about it. This someone should be someone you trust and that are you very close to. Someone who will not judge you but will love you and support you. It is recommended that it be your spouse if you are married or a very close friend. I have found that to be true in my own life. If I share my experiences with this addiction, even the failures, with my spouse, she is there to support me and lift me up.

I know I haven't done this everytime but I would like to share a scripture. This scripture came to me this last week when I was sharing a spiritual thought at someone's home. I found it to be very powerful:

Yea, verily, verily I say unto you, if all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men. (Alma 48:17)

Resisting Temptation

2008-10-23T15:55:00.003-06:00

So much for my will to resist or listen to the Holy Spirit. The temptation to look at pornography overcame me today and my mind must have delved too deep into the abyss that I couldn't pull myself out until I reached climax. I know, this is a lot more than anybody ever wanted to know about my weaknesses but it helps me to put it down and think about what happened. Anyways, all I can say was I was BLASTed. According to Mark Kastleman, co-founder of Candeo, BLASTed stands for Bored, Burned out, Lonely, Anxious, Afraid, Angry, Stressed or Tired.[1] I was bored and tired and again, just like usual, my mind started to immediately go down the road of pornography. Whenever I am not busy doing something, that is where my mind immediately goes. It is as if my brain has formed a habit that when I have time on my hands (even if it just a few seconds) my mind uses pornography as a filler. That does make sense from what I have heard and read. What I need to do is fill my mind with other things I enjoy doing that will replace what my brain is currently doing now.

Before I started on this post, I read a post on another blog. This post, which was simply titled "Desires" gave me a lot to think about. How strong is my desire to overcome this addiction? What do I honestly need to do to achieve that desire? How is God going to grant me that desire without asking Him? (Alma 29:4) It seems like a simple thing but with profound results. If I ask God in prayer to give my the desire I need to change my heart and mind and I believe that he will hear and answer my prayer then that desire will build within me and change my heart and mind to a point in which I will have "no more desire to do evil." (Alma 19:33) I have always prayed to give me the strength to overcome or withstand, not the desire to change my heart or mind. Thank you Ed for your wonderful insight!

[1] Note: If you would like to know more about what is taught at Candeo, sign-up for the mini-course and you will receive seven keys to overcoming your addiction.

Encompassed and Trapped

2008-10-22T22:04:00.000-06:00

“I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. “And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. “My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. “He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh” (2 Nephi 4:18–21).

In the Addiction Recovery Program Manual by the Church of Jesus Christ, they list this scripture and then ask the question, "Do you feel encompassed or trapped? When do you feel this way most often?" First of all, I would like to say that 2 Nephi 4 is one of my favorite, if not my favorite section of the Book of Mormon. Nephi was a great man, you could even say a great prophet but he was still human and he understood that. This chapter shows that he had weaknesses but he trusted in God that though he has sinned he could be forgiven and overcome everything, with the Lord's help. I turn to this chapter frequently, especially when I am having difficulties. There have been many times in my life in which I have had difficulty with my addiction and it is during those times when I felt encompassed and trapped. That puts me into the OCD cycle and makes me feel very hopeless. Thoughts come to my mind that say, "I will never be able to overcome this" or "Why do I even try?"

Then comes the next question in the manual: When Nephi felt overwhelmed, in whom did he
place his trust? What can you do to place more trust in the Lord? As I said before, Nephi turned to the Lord for help. When I turned to the Lord in fervent and heartfelt prayer, my soul we filled with peace and love. Everytime, I knew, just like I did when I had my prayer answered a few weeks ago that the Lord was there, probably carrying me. I just need to remember to trust in the Lord each and everyday. I cannot forget that. I also need to humble myself to the point that I realize that alone I can do nothing but with the Lord, I can do anything.

Making Progress

2008-10-20T16:56:00.004-06:00

It is amazing to me that no matter how much a person might know (namely myself) about pornography and how to fight it. It doesn't make it any easier to stop looking at it. I guess I did make some progress though. I have done extremely well since my last post, which was on Sunday, October 12, 2008. I think part of that was due to the strong impact that my answered prayer had on me and part due to the fact that for half the week I was on vacation at my parents and at the in-laws where there was little to no access to the internet. Today was my first day back to work since last Wednesday. I was tired and probably bored, trying to think of something to do before I left for home. That caused my eyes and mind to wander. I looked for about ten minutes at what I consider soft porn. There was no nudity but there was women what very little clothing on.

I was beginning to go down that funnel and starting thinking about other websites I could go to that would give me the information I desired. I then had another thought. I needed to pull myself out of this funnel immediately. I went to my blog and watched the video "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" from YouTube that was on my last post. It is amazing how the Holy Spirit overpowered the weakness of the flesh. I came out of the funnel and an immediate impression that I needed to post this experience. In some way, I pray that this experience can give others hope that there is a chance for anyone to slowly but surely overcome and change your brain's habits from sexual addiction to something more wholesome and good.

An Answer to Prayer

2008-10-12T16:35:00.005-06:00

Let me share with you a little experience that I had which started last night. As you know from my last post, I slipped back into my addiction... again. Well, to get it out of my mind and focus on something else I decided I would watch some LDS shows that were on BYU-TV. Looking back now, I realized that instead, I should've knelt down and prayed to my Heavenly Father for strength and guidance. I slipped again later that evening (it doesn't help that I am the only one home). I was tired and lonesome.

After I finished looking at pornography that second time I had had it. I felt so guilty and was so full of self-pity. I felt hopeless. I didn't know what else to do and I surely didn't feel like the Lord or my Heavenly Father was helping me. I knelt down at that time and pleaded with my Heavenly Father. Looking back, I could even say I was angry. Angry with God for forsaking me, at least that is what I thought at the time. Angry at myself for giving in. I was just sick and tired of having this problem and feeling that I was tredding water and not getting anywhere. I have been dealing with this problem since I was twelve years old! I have been actively trying to overcome this problem for the last 8-9 years! I felt like I was at the end of my rope. I didn't know where to turn and I didn't know what else to do. I told Heavenly Father that I needed an answer or some sign the He was there and I needed that answer tomorrow or I was likely to just give up trying.

After the I went to bed and slept remarkedly well. I woke up refreshed and thinking back to this morning I was really in a peaceful mood but I didn't think anything of it at the time. Every Sunday I am in the habit of turning on some church music to get the family and I in the right frame of mind for the day. Today was no different. I decided to go to BYU Radio and see what was playing. Right as I hit play, the song "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" started playing. As soon as I hit play I started getting ready for church and I immediately stopped. There wasn't a voice, mostly just a feeling but I knew that this was my answer. I sat down on the couch and listened. I was struck with such a powerful feeling of peace and comfort I couldn't do anything but sit there. When the song finished I was just in awe and I thanked my Heavenly Father for what He had just given me and asked for His forgiveness for the way I acted last night.

"My Redeemer lives! Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers! I am not alone in this!" Those are the thoughts that went through my mind as I was getting ready for church. I went to church with a renewed spirit and new that I could do this. I know this is not the end, I will continue to be tested by the adversary but I now know that my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is with me and will help me each and every day. The scripture comes to me in which the Savior said, "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matt. 11:30) I believe that completely.

Here is a video I found that is very powerful. It is a video of pictures of Savior put to the music of "I Know That My Redeemer Lives"

Weakness Back To Strength

2008-10-11T20:16:00.004-06:00

This is a very difficult road. I fell off the horse and now I have to get back on and try again. The one thing I have to remember is that it is an addiction and I'm in an OCD cycle. I cannot make myself or force myself to try harder next time. This is the way my brain is programmed and telling myself that I just need to try harder just makes things worse. What I need to do is change my brain. Just as the title of this blog states, I need "a mighty change" to occur in my brain. Then, as the Lord says in Ether, "I will make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27) I am beginning to really understand what the Lord is saying in that scripture. From listening to Mark on Candeo that the reason that I ended up so deep in this addiction is because I have great strength that has become a weakness. What I need to do now is turn that weakness back into a strength. I'll get there, I know it!

Addiction Recovery

2008-10-01T16:14:00.003-06:00

I have to apologize for the long break I had after my first post. I have had problems off and on with my addiction since my first post. I'm currently in a good spell where I have not had any instances which I have faultered and given in for several days now. I realized just in the last few days that if I wanted to be completely cured of this I have to do what is necessary to overcome it, especially when I'm not having problems.

I have discovered a couple of different programs that I'm going to use that I know will help. One was co-designed by Mark Kastleman. The website is www.candeocan.com. I am currently subscribed to the free newsletter that, according to the site, provides a person with a free mini-course that covers "the 7 most important keys to freeing yourself from Pornography Addiction." The second program could be very familiar to those who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is the Church's Addiction Recovery Manual that uses a similar 12-step program that Alcoholics Anonymous uses for people to overcome alcoholism but it intertwines the Gospel of Jesus Christ into the steps. If you want to know more, download the Addiction Recovery Manual. As I go through this manual I will be answering the questions in the manual on this blog. I will also be doing the same thing with the newsletter from Candeo.

I hope what I post will benefit someone, if not just myself. Each post will end with a scripture that for me has been a scripture that has given me hope and faith that I can overcome this.

“I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh” (2 Nephi 4:18–21).

Introduction

2008-08-09T14:07:00.001-06:00

Welcome to my site! I hope as the days, weeks, and months go by, that something I post on this blog will be of some use to you. I have been struggling with pornography addiction for seventeen years now. It started off with curiosity of my own body and has spiraled downhill ever since until I took my problem to the Lord with the help of my wife, some great bishops and a great family counselor. I pray that what I share with you will not seem too personal but will be sincere and show forth a desire to share what I have learned in order to help another.

And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father! And now, if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me! (D&C 18:15-16)