Attention is your mental effort, and focus, over time.  Do you want money?  You can spend time and effort and receive money in return (often called a “job”).  Want a girlfriend/boyfriend?  Investing time and effort can get you one of those, as well.  House?  Check.  Better relationships?  Check.

You can’t get more of your attention back after it’s gone… the time is gone, and you can’t “unspend” the mental effort spent during that time.  You also have a limited amount of mental effort that you can put forth in a given amount of time.

That makes attention incredibly valuable.  It’s valuable in terms of both human value and monetary value… after all, you can’t sell someone something without having their attention.

People intuitively understand how valuable someone’s attention is… that’s why we value “active” company more than passive company, why celebrities and successful businessmen are so often fond of people who are “real” with them (if you’re not being real with them, you’re not giving THEM your attention, you’re giving your fantasy of them attention, which is essentially the same as giving it to yourself), and why advertisers like to advertise on the most popular things (they’ve already proven effective at getting attention).

The funny thing is, you don’t have to give someone very much of your attention at all to make it a valuable gift/exchange.  Just taking 5 seconds to actually meet someone’s eyes and convey that you really are thankful when you say thank you is a valued gift… try it and you’ll see the appreciation in the faces of those receiving your attention.  Give your family member your true, undivided attention for an hour and watch how much happier BOTH of you are.

The majority of people are very self focused with their attention… Just think back over your day and see how many people stopped focusing on themselves and gave you their full attention at any time, for any thing.  It’s not that uncommon for most people to be unable to think of a single incident… even when you’re having a one on one conversation with someone, most of the time at least part of their attention resides elsewhere.

When you give someone your full attention, they generally will give you some of their own in return… it’s built into us that this is the way it should work.  This exchange of attention, when repeated, builds up a relationship between you.  More investment of attention will generally improve the relationship over time… remember, though, this is attention on THEM, not a mental fantasy of them from your own mind.  Focus on THEIR needs, desires, likes, etc., not what you think they SHOULD need, want, or like.

Successful relationships (whether romantic, business, sports, or anything else) lead to a successful, happy life… no matter what that means to you.

Take this article, plus the last two (The Need For Silence and Gratitude – Make Yourself Happier), put them into play in your life, and you’ll be a happier person in a very short time.

Happiness in life boils down to this:  If you are genuinely appreciative/grateful for things, you will be happy.  If you are not appreciative or grateful, your life may look desirable from the outside, but YOU will be miserable.

It’s not only your own happiness determined by your gratitude… it’s the happiness of all of those around you, as well.  If you are genuinely appreciative, it shows, not only in your words, but in your actions.  If you are appreciative of what others do for you, they will be happy to do things for you, meaning their happiness will increase, as well.

So give it a try sometime… pay attention to what others do for you, and realize that they are putting in their own time and effort to do something for you.  They’ll never have that time back, and whatever time they spend on you is time that they can’t spend on their own heart’s desire (unless, of course, what they are doing for you IS their heart’s desire).  If you truly take a moment to consider that, you actually will appreciate that they have done something for you.

Thank them.  Smile genuinely at them.  Meet their eyes.

Make sure you acknowledge the people who show you appreciation… smile back, meet their eyes and genuinely tell them they are welcome.  Wish them a good day as you leave.

You, and those around you, will feel the difference quickly, often in a single day, certainly within a week, and a month can make a lifetime’s worth of difference.

And, in keeping with this post, I genuinely appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this, and appreciate it even more if you comment and let me know, whether on the site, on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/AMiracleADay) or Twitter (https://twitter.com/AMiracleADay).

I hope I’ve reminded you to take the time and that I’ve added a bit of happiness to your life, and those around you… combine this with a few moments of silence, and you should see a remarkable difference.

These days there is ALWAYS another source of stimulus, more noise, more stress, more video to watch, news to read, emails, phone calls, etc.  There is input from work, from family, from friends, from the media, from nearly everyone around you.

The human mind, and the body for that matter, is NOT meant to put up with this sort of constant bombardment.  Continuous input from all of these various sources will amp up your stress level, cause your sleep to suffer in both amount and quality, and eventually cause problems with nearly every aspect of your life.

The cure is simple, but sometimes hard to implement.  Every day, you need to take some time without stimulus… without conversation, music, TV, or even books.  Give your mind some time to process all of the junk… it usually works best in the evening, thought it may not feel like it.

When you first start this practice, it will likely feel like you are failing, because your mind is running all over the place (especially when you do it after a full day).  That’s okay, though… the idea isn’t to reach a state of zen meditation (though if you continue the practice every day, you may reach that point eventually), it’s simply to let go, and let all of the chaos from your life wind down a bit.  That lets your brain start to organize, categorize, and otherwise process things.

You can think of it like juggling… all of these sources of input are balls to keep in the air.  It makes it a heck of a lot easier if you put some of them away as you go… it’s a lot easier to juggle ten balls total if you keep putting some away from time to time, and only keep a few going at any given time.

Most of your sources of input aren’t going to make room for you to take the time for silence, so you are going to have to make the time.  Everyone around you will benefit, however, so it’s for their good as well as your own.

Just remember the line from the AMC movie theater chain:

The majority of people will have far fewer friends as adults than they had as children, and will form even fewer new friendships as they grow older… but it doesn’t have to be that way.

There are many reasons that it is harder to make (and keep) friends when you are an adult than when you are a kid, but one of the biggest things seems almost counterintuitive… we’re more afraid as adults than as children.  As adults, we have experienced emotional pain that the vast majority of children have never been around, let alone experienced… everything from being rejected by someone you were interested in all the way up to the pain of losing someone close to you.  That pain hurts in ways that physical pain doesn’t, it’s harder to ignore, and it takes longer to heal, so the fear of feeling it again is much more intense than the fear of physical pain.

Our subconscious minds, however, don’t even want to admit to this fear… they mask it with all sorts of other excuses and reasons, most of which seem reasonable on the surface, and our conscious minds don’t really want to face our fears either, so we blindly accept the excuses spewed by our subconscious.  The only real way to get past that is to consciously examine why we let a friendship fade away, or why we hesitate to reach out to a possible new friend.

Being consciously aware, and active in guiding your life, requires effort, and puts you at risk of failure.  Making friends (and keeping them) requires you to open yourself up to emotional pain (not necessarily to feel it, but you have to risk it), as you have to allow them inside your walls that you’ve built to keep even the potential of pain at a distance.  You have to invest your time and energy into something that you don’t actually control, that may not come out the way you want it.

The how of making friends and influencing people is easy… find common ground and reach out to them.  Find ways to invest your time and energy into something that you have in common, or something that is important to them.  Listen to them, and learn who they really are.  Let them inside your walls and your masks… the more personal your connection is, the stronger your link will be… you will be better friends, and/or be able to influence them more strongly.

None of those things are hard to do (directly) or hard to understand… the difficulty is in opening yourself up to the potential of pain, the possibility of failure or loss, and the giving up of control.  It is hard to let down your walls enough to reach over them to someone else… but it’s worth it.

In fact, I am going to be reaching out to people I haven’t connected with for a long time over the next little bit… Family, friends, former coworkers.  I’m writing again now, and I’m working on following my own advice (not always the easiest medicine to swallow).  Want to connect (or reconnect) with me?  Now is a good time… reach out and I’ll respond.

When you live actively, on the other hand, you have an idea of where you are, where you want to be, and the direction you need to go to get there.  You take active steps to move in the direction necessary to get to the destination you have chosen.

Good and bad things will happen to everyone, regardless of whether they are choosing to live actively, or just going where life takes them.  Diseases generally aren’t things you choose, for example, although your choices can certainly affect your likelihood of getting many of them.  Meeting the love of your life isn’t something you can choose, either, although again your choices can most definitely affect the likelihood of meeting them (and even more so the likelihood of keeping them).

The mode in which you live your life is a choice, though as Rush says, if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.  You can alter which mode you live in at any time, though not without difficulty.  Most people live most of their life in the passive mode, and even people that choose to live actively can sometimes slip into living passively, and those who live actively don’t necessarily do so in every aspect of their life… You may be actively choosing to get fit, or to move up the corporate ladder, but be living passively in your love life, for example.  We only have so much attention, and it’s hard to be attentive to every part of your life.

So… why should you choose to live one way or the other, if good things and bad things happen either way?

A life lived passively will have, at most, brief moments of joy… You may feel joy when your child is born, for example, but if you don’t actively choose to focus on them and spend time with them, that feeling will fade, and may even turn into resentment when they impact your life in ways you did not choose.  You may feel joy when you meet a new flame, but if you don’t actively choose to invest in that relationship, it will slip and fade, and so will the happiness that came from it.

A life lived passively will have very little passion… It will be sort of gray, and you will likely feel far more of the negative emotions than the positive ones.  You may feel depressed, stuck, angry, jealous, etc., mostly because you feel like you have no control over your life, though most of the time when you are in that state, it’s hard to see the root cause.

A life lived passively will have little love… Love is an active emotion, something that must be created.  Love fades when it is not given proper care and feeding, and while the current of life will most likely sweep you past, and through, love from time to time, it will do absolutely nothing to keep that love with you.  That requires action on your part.

A life lived actively can be full of joy, passion, and love… Your choices can feed all of those positive emotions, all of the things that make life worth living.  When you find something you are passionate about, and you pursue it actively, the passion you feel grows.  When you actively choose to invest your time and energy into the ones that you love, the love between your grows deeper and stronger, regardless of the type of love.  When you actively choose to live life, and you see the impact it has on everything, and everyone, around you, you can build joy that lasts.

Someone living passively sees a job they don’t like as something they have no choice about, something that they are stuck with, that drags them down.  Someone living actively sees the job as something that enables them to pursue whatever it is that they are choosing… and you would be amazed at the difference in attitude that brings, and how much of the negative perception of the job goes away with that difference.

Someone who is living passively will see a family member whose health is failing as a negative to be avoided… They choose not to get too close, in hopes that it doesn’t hurt as much when they go.  Someone who lives actively will instead see the time before the person goes as a chance to renew and strengthen the bonds of love between them, and will end up hurting far less, because the very strength of those bonds, the bonds that the passive person is letting fade, will support them and give them strength.

Again… the way you live life is a choice, and your whole life doesn’t have to be one or the other.  If you are living passively, and most people are, you can choose to live actively in just one area of your life… you can actively invest in the love you have (or actively invest in new people, if you don’t currently have anyone… even the smallest of active investment of time and energy will make a massive difference), you can actively pursue your passion (whether that’s helping others, cooking, woodworking, art, or anything else), and you can actively choose to take joy from wherever you are.  You can actively be active, to start getting fit, or actively choose what you eat… it’s amazing how much eating well can affect every other aspect of your life.

It doesn’t really matter where you bring active living into your life… the effects of bringing it into your life anywhere will spread to the rest of your life.  It’s easier to love someone who is passionate, and easier to be passionate when you know you have love solidly in your life.  You have more energy to follow your passion when you take care of yourself physically, and the mental improvements from being passionate make you less likely to eat poorly.

I’m actively choosing, right now, to live my life more actively… Won’t you please do the same?

After www.AMiracleADay.com being gone for quite a while, I am in the process of bringing it back.  That process, however, is a little messy, and some links may be broken, images may be missing, etc., while it’s ongoing.

Sorry about any irritation it might cause, but at the same time, I’m glad it’s coming back (and yes, this is the original owner/author).

Editor’s note:   This is a guest article from Tonya Vrba.  Her work has been published in newspapers and blogs.

At least once in our life, we have heard that love comes when one isn’t looking. The dawn of online dating has somewhat changed this idea. Now, even those who are desperately searching for love can try their chances online. Participation on an online dating site does not necessarily guarantee you a happily ever after. There are certain personality traits of a person who isn’t looking for love that simply make them attractive. If you are in a slump and want nothing more than to be in a loving relationship, take note from those who are not looking.

• Confidence

  Often one of the most attractive traits a person can have is confidence in themselves. Those who are happy and single tend to have a lot of confidence in who they are as an individual. Numerous failed attempts at love can have devastating effects on confidence and make a person feel they are worthless. Spend time with friends and family who value you just as you are. You are an individual… be proud of who you are.

• Find A Hobby

  Cruising dating sites is not a hobby. Most profiles on dating sites list hobbies and interests. There are plenty of obvious hobbies people can do alone, like watching movies or reading. To make yourself stand out on and off line, try to find a hobby that can be done solo and in a group. Indoor rock climbing can often be done alone if a facility has automatic belay devices. It can also be a great activity to do together. Ed. note:  This is very important, regardless of your relationship status… hobbies are often lost as a relationship goes along.  Your hobby should be something that you truly enjoy, not something to impress others or something JUST to be doing something (alone or with others).  Some people love reading, some love writing, some love drawing, wood-working, or cooking.  It doesn’t really matter what it is that you love, nearly anything can be a hobby, and working on your hobby can be one of the most effective ways at letting go of stress and finding peace.

• Discover Your Calling

  People are often attracted to those who have a purpose. A person who is not looking for love may be focused on their career, education or another passion they have. Drive, ambition and dedication are necessary components to reach a goal. Likewise, they are also very good qualities to have in a relationship. No one will fall in love with you for being desperate, but they may fall in love with your passion for helping others or ambition to start your own business.  Discover your calling in life and go for it. – Ed. note:  Passion is the EASIEST thing to fall in love with, especially if you either share the passion, admire it, or wish you had it.  In fact, I believe it’s difficult to fall deeply in love without it.

• Don’t Be Desperate

  No one wants to feel like your caretaker. This is often where people fail, even when dating online. Someone who is desperate for love will often bend at will to anything their date says. Desperation automatically erases the gains you made with the above three qualities. There is a lot of pressure involved in being someone’s only friend, only interest, and only source of confidence. A date is likely to feel he or she cannot provide you with all you need. – Ed. note:  Actually, sometimes people DO want to be your caretaker/parental figure, or your only friend/interest/etc., but those relationships seldom work out well, as they can be overwhelming to both sides.

Remember above all else that you are deserving of love and companionship. Don’t lament the characteristics you have that make you unique. Someday, those will be the very reason someone falls in love with you. The best part of relationships, especially in the beginning, is how two people can learn and grow with one another. If you are doing all the learning and none of the teaching, you will have a problem. Embrace and love who you are.

When you can find a reason to love yourself, others will start to love you too.

Editor’s note:  This is the second guest article in a short time… are you enjoying them?  Please let me, and the author, know what you think by leaving a comment below.

Editor’s note – This is a guest post from Leanne Royer.  If you have any questions, her email is at the bottom.
Hi, how’s it going?Do you feel like your dates are kind of boring and you are doing the same old thing? Going out to dinner and a movie?

Are you ready to take your relationship to the next level? Do you want to add some excitement back into your relationship?

I have some good news for you. Help is here at last!  I am going to give you some tips that will help YOU “spice” up your love life and add some enjoyment to your life.

Relax And Have Fun

I personally love to go on dates. There is just something about the time “away” from life allows you to relax and forget those emails, the phone ringing (turn that cell phone off) and to just get away from people (maybe the children) demanding this and that of me.

Don’t Be Lazy

It is easy for me, and I suppose you as well, to let your relationship with your sweetheart get a bit “stale.” We are busy people. After all who has time for an hour or two to just focus on the two of us?

Tell Them You Love Them

We know we love each other and are here for each other.  Correct? I for one am a woman who needs to be told AT LEAST once a day that I am loved. My husband, well he doesn’t NEED to be told as often. So he says. I tell him anyway.

Time Out

Taking time out for each other strengthens our relationship and makes us happier, more content, and better able to handle the stress of life. There is plenty to stress about. When we do make (notice I said make) the time to spend together we give the children the realization that everything is going to be okay because dad and mom are connected. They are watching us. We also know that we are on the same page, working together to build trust,
stability, and confidence.

Kind Of Date

Guess Where We’re Going – One of my favorite dates to go on is “guess where we are going.” It is fun to surprise my mate and to keep him guessing just where we are going. Usually I leave it up to him to plan the date or we do it together.

Out Of The Ordinary – Sometimes out of the ordinary is the most exciting. If it is an overnight get away I pack his bag for him and hide it in the car, then I pick him up at work. It adds mystery and anticipation to the evening ahead. It is fun being the one in the know as well as the one doing the guessing.

It doesn’t have to be over night. Just a couple of hours, or even half an hour. I’m pretty sure your sweetheart won’t forget this date for a long time!

Observations

I have looked around a restaurant while waiting for my food (yes, on one of my dates) and I can usually pick out the married couples. It isn’t just because they have children with them or because they are on the phone, although those are good indicators.

What To Look For

The married couples eat their food and look around at others or out the window. Unmarried couples do a lot of talking and looking into each other’s eyes. Interesting, huh? I guess we married people have run out of topics to discuss. That is why we especially have to liven up our date nights and be a little more creative.

Working Out Your Differences

Did you know that 50% of marriages fail? Wow! That tells me that I need to work harder at giving to my sweetheart. Make him feel special. After all, why wouldn’t I try my hardest to impress the person closest to me?

The Meaning Of Love

Here is what love means to me:  It is being willing to give when I don’t feel like it, listening (even though I know I’m right), respecting my husband, and doing whatever it takes (within reason) to make him happy.  – Ed. Note: Figure out what it means to you, and what it means to the other person, and you’ve got a head start on a great relationship.

Keep Trying

We all know that life is not perfect, and neither are our relationships. Some people give up and run away when things get tough. We also know that doesn’t fix anything, and often times makes things worse.

Lasting Love

The one thing that most couples dream about (at least in the beginning) is a love that will last a lifetime. I know I have learned more about who I am since I’ve been married. The good, as well as the bad, has come out.

Work It Out

Working out the problem areas in my marriage has strengthened our relationship and can give us the life together we always dreamed of.  You can have the same thing too, if you are willing to give a little extra of your time.

Make Memories

I have a quote hanging on my wall and it goes like this: “Life is a journey, not a destination.” When you look at it like that, let’s go have some fun! Make some lasting memories! Get out the candles, turn out the lights! Tell your sweetheart what you appreciate about them today!

What Are YOU Going To Do

So now it is up to you. How creative and fun do you want your relationship to be? I am working on a project, and can keep giving you tips and ideas as we go along. To do this I need your feedback. So please send me an

email to DatingForReal@Aweber.com and let me know what you think.

There is no risk just fun and GREAT relationships to be had.

Ed. Note – How did you like this guest post?  Please let both the author and me know in the comments.

• What do you do when your husband cheats on you?  What do you do when your wife cheats on you?  Your boyfriend, girlfriend, anyone you have a deep relationship who betrays you.

  There is no “fix”.  There is no fast solution.  There is a path you can take out of that darkness, destruction, and brokenness, though.

  The First Step Is Acknowledging The Relationship Is Broken

  Once someone has done something that completely breaks your trust, whatever betrayal it is, from cheating to lying about important things to stealing to revealing private information, the relationship that you had is broken.  That specific relationship, with that specific person, is over.

  That doesn’t mean that you can’t have a relationship with that person… you just can’t have THAT relationship any more.  You’re going to have to start over, and build a new relationship from the ground up.

  The Second Step Is Placing Blame Where It Belongs

  Once you understand that the relationship is broken, you can move to the next step, which is placing blame where it belongs.  This probably doesn’t mean what you think, or maybe even want, it to mean.  What I mean is that you need to understand, and acknowledge, that each of you is directly, and solely, responsible for your own actions.  Whatever it is that they did, they chose to do.  It doesn’t matter what you did, or didn’t do… what they chose to do is their responsibility.

  This cuts both ways, too, though.  Anything that you did, or didn’t do, is your own choice, and therefore your own responsibility.  You may not want to admit this, either, but in any broken relationship, their is usually wrongdoing on both sides, though they may be in completely different ways… one person may have cheated, while the other simply didn’t share their inner thoughts and feelings, the things that matter to them, both good and bad (sometimes just because they don’t want to “burden” the other person).  Over time, however, not sharing can lead to you growing apart, which can lead to the relationship being mostly empty, which can lead to the cheating.  Each side is responsible for their own actions in this… not sharing doesn’t CAUSE them to cheat.  They choose to do that.

  The Third Step Is Giving Yourself Room (And Time)

  If someone betrays you, they often (if they still have feelings for you) want you to forgive them, and try to work things out, immediately.  It would be nice if it worked that way, but it doesn’t.

  You need to take time for yourself.  If it is your significant other, make sure that you have time away from them.  That doesn’t mean you can’t see them, but make sure that you have time when you are not with them, as well.

  This time is generally best taken in the evening, and it is usually best outside.  You can just go for a walk, or you can go to the park and sit on a bench, or whatever and wherever you want, just as long as it’s some place that you won’t be interrupted.  You need to just have time to get some mental and emotional distance from the pain.  It helps most people to be outside, and especially somewhere that there is nature around them… you can let yourself get lost looking at the stars, or a tree, or flowers, or whatever… just let your eyes lose focus, and then let your mind do the same thing.

  The Fourth Step Is Deciding

  The fourth step is deciding whether you want to forge a new relationship with the person who betrayed you.  You can’t really make this decision without a little mental distance.

  If you decide you don’t want to forge a new relationship, then you are going to have to begin to separate yourself mentally and emotionally from the person.  This usually is not quick or easy… even if you feel like it is, the pain is often just buried (if that’s not the case, there’s a pretty good chance that the relationship wasn’t that deep, at least on your side, to begin with).  Continue to give yourself room and time, and the healing will come… you may sometimes take two steps forward and one step back, or simply fall down, but with a little room and time, you’ll recover.

  If you decide that you do want a relationship with the person, you need to start over.  You need to get to know each other all over again, do things together, talk to each other, and build a relationship from scratch.  You are both going to have to give, and accept, a clean slate, or the damage from the broken relationship is going to interfere with the new one you are trying to build.

  The Path Continues

  The path doesn’t end after these four steps, no matter which decision you make.  It continues forever, in whatever relationship you build next, whether that’s with the person who betrayed you or not.  The path continues, with making sure that you have room for yourself being important for the rest of your life, and needing to share yourself in a relationship never goes away… the relationship can only be as deep as you let the other person inside you.

  The pain from betrayal, from cheating especially, is intense… but it can be healed.  Taking one step, and then another, will lead you upward and out of the pain you feel.

• There is an easy way to strengthen any relationship… including going from no relationship to a slight relationship.  It’s so universal that it is present in animals, as well, not just people.That way is simple touch.

  This can be as simple as shaking hands when you first meet someone… that initial touch forms a very simple bond, but it bypasses a little of the “stranger” alert system that sits in the back of our minds.  If you are greeting a friend and you hug them, it renews the bonds between you, letting you skip the little small talk ritual that otherwise might apply.

  This goes all the way up to strengthening a marriage, too… any marriage that doesn’t involve frequent touch is nearly certain to drift apart.  This can range from holding hands to snuggling, from “footsie” to kissing and more.

  People are all hardwired this way… touch releases oxytocin, which is a chemical that some scientists even refer to as “the trust hormone”.  It is part of the bonding between parent and child, between husband and wife, and even between friends… it can actually be the difference between being friends and being acquaintances or “friends”.

  Touch, however, can also have negative effects, if the other person already has a negative view of you, even if that view is temporary.  It’s easy to understand what I mean… picture someone you can’t stand kissing you, and that revulsion you feel, that pushing away, is what I mean.

  Just as oxytocin bonds you closer together, adrenaline can have the reverse effect, strengthening a negative association in the subconscious with that person.  The fact that is does it in the subconscious can make this even worse, as the association can affect things for a long time without the person even knowing why.

  The take away here is that if you have a positive relationship that you would like to be stronger, reach out to the person… literally.

  PS – Although adrenaline can have a negative effect on an already negative association, it can also have a strongly positive effect on a neutral to positive relationship… this is a major factor in the brotherhood that comes from dangerous occupations like firemen, police, or the military.  It’s also why things like amusement parks can be a fast way to make a relationship stronger, whether that is friends, relatives, or something else, as long as both people actually enjoy the rush.