A Nerdy Girl in an Air Force World

Having a Great Time Doing Nothing :)

2012-01-24T15:19:00.000-06:00

"Clock watchers never seem to be having a good time."
James Cash Penney

I just wanted everyone to see the long trek we had to take with two toddlers in the car. AH! It's even scarier than it looks. lol.

Honey and Papa got Valerie and Killian donuts for breakfast. Lucky kids.

He really liked his donut. He looks stoned. haha

Valerie took this picture, so I thought it only fitting that it makes it to the blog o' fame.

The Hispanics making a wall out front for Honey and Papa's front patio. lol

Can you tell he's Italian in his white Adidas tracksuit? lmao. Love my papa!

Life is a Highway

2012-01-22T18:12:00.005-06:00

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything. ~Charles Kuralt, On the Road With Charles Kuralt

This is what I found in the souveniers sections of the airport...
is this really what Kansas City, MO is known for? How embarrassing. LOL

I picked Honey up from the airport at 2:30 pm on Wednesday afternoon. She was dressed up as always, with her short, platinum blonde hair in perfect synchronicity, red lipstick pouted, and Yves Saint Laurent perfume on full-blast. Of course, she looked absolutely as darling as always. My father-in-law had my kiddos, so it would be just Honey and I for several hours. After I picked her up from the airport we headed over to her niece and nephew's house to chit-chat and later to go to dinner with them, my aunt, grandma, cousin, and dad. It was a great dinner. :) We left The Tavern, got the kids, and headed back up to my house to get ready for the very long 48 hours ahead of us.

This is the view we had of Kansas early in the morning.
This is all we saw for about 450 miles. Boring.

It was really cold Thursday morning. Around 15 degrees. Absolutely ridiculous if you ask me! I was glad to be getting out of there, though. I much prefer sunny skies and warm air -- such as Arizona would be giving me. ha.

Still flat as Hell. I can see why tornadoes
are so prone to these parts of the country.

We hit Oklahoma in the late afternoon and basically drove into the sun for the following 3 hours. It was a bitch, to say the least. So far, the kids had been doing really well. As suggested by my cousins, I bought and wrapped them presents to open along the way. They absolutely LOVED it.

This is my Valley Girl's new swimsuit. Target, FTW!

We finally arrived at the Holiday Inn in Tucumcari, NM around 7:30pm. We gained an hour, so it was nice to get there and there still be some daylight. Val & Killian ate some McDonald's and Honey & I got Chinese (which ended up being beyond disgusting). After dinner I took the kiddos to the indoor pool and we played for a good hour. The kids passed out almost immediately.

Finally, some VIEWS! Geez.

Tucumcari was a crap town, not gonna lie. Apparently it had an 11% decrease in population between 2000 and 2011. I wasn't surprised -- they didn't have either a Taco Bell or a Walmart. Just a shitty little K-Mart. Sucks for whoever lives there. On a funnier note, the chick that took my money at the gas station was a straight up Chola. She had the permanent marker eyebrows, plaid shirt, and everything. It was amazing.

Elephant Butte, you say? How big?

Other than mountains and the occasional tree, there wasn't much to look at before we hit Albuquerque, NM. However, I got a huge kick out of "Elephant Butte" and "Truth or Consequences".

A billboard in this town said, "Truth: Drinking while driving. Consequences: Death." LOL. Ok?

"Killian, you're doing it wrong."

Uh... yeah.

Somehow after 48 hours of pure, boring torture, we made it to Arizona. It was like 70 degrees and amazing. Yesterday I took the kiddies to the park and let them play for a while. They had a blast in the sand, looking at the mountains.

And lastly, last night's dinner. I still haven't BM'd. lmao

A Midwest Girl in a Desert World

2012-01-17T14:37:00.003-06:00

So excited to go to Arizona!! Honey flies in tomorrow afternoon then Thursday we're starting our 21 hours drive to Tucson. My house is clean, my car is clean, and the kids are packed! I, however, have not started packing yet. lol. My bad! I'll probably do that tonight, though. My father- and sister-in-law are taking the kids overnight so I can get my last minute things done before we head off. I also need to go to Walmart and pick up a few new movies for the kiddies... I need to keep them as entertained as possible in the car. Thank God we have DVD players in the headrests. That was the smartest decision Brad ever made. lol.

Speaking of Bradley... turns out he's not going to Arkansas. We found this out on Thursday. They decided to move the rest of his training until the start of the fiscal year (after October). So instead, he volunteered for a middle eastern deployment. Blah. Whatever, I guess. As for now, he'll be at home holding down the fort and the kids and I will be in Arizona being warm. I'm so fucking cold.

Okay, and my makeup for last night! I think I'm going to do matte neutrals tonight. :)

Here I did a combination of greens and pinks. I'd never really done this colors before so I just kind of winged it. lol. It's not bad, but definitely not my best work.

What I used: No primer or moisturizer (I really need to get into the habit of using these), MAC concealer, Aveda foundation, Ulta blush, Urban Decay & Sephora eye shadow, UD 24/7 eyeliner, Big Fatty Mascara by UD, and Sephora lipgloss.

Purple

2012-01-15T23:07:00.003-06:00

I can't decide which format I like better...

Sorry for my less than thrilling stares. lmao. I just couldn't get decent pics of myself today.

And I don't know why the lighting is so different between the first collage and the second collage, but whatever. Anyway, I'm just curious which layout is better. Opinions?

What I used: Baby lotion as moisturizer, no primer, MAC concealer, CoverGirl foundation, Stila Smoky Quartz eyeliner, Urban Decay eyeshadow, ELF eyeshadow, Sephora blush, MAC bronzer, Maybelline GreatLash mascara, Sephora lipgloss.

All I Can See are Sunflower Eyes

2012-01-14T13:01:00.001-06:00

See what I did here? I gave a bunch of different angles of my face so I could show off my makeup artistry lololol. And yes, I do have a Monroe piercing and witch nose. lmao. And is it just me or do I look totally cross-eyed in the bottom-right picture?! hahahahahaha

What I used: No primer, no moisturizer (my bad), MAC foundation, MAC concealer, Sephora blush, Urban Decay shadow, Sephora shadow, ELF shadow, MAC bronzer, Urban Decay eyeliner, Stila eyeliner, Sephora eyebrow definer (loose powder), Victoria's Secret "Sexy" mascara, Sephora lipgloss.

I've been trying to get my mind off of everything lately, so I've been pretty busy practicing makeup. This is one of the looks I came up with the other day. Today maybe I'll go for greens or purples. The blues are pretty and everything, but I think greens and purples would really bring out my eyes. There's a bit of green and gold in this makeup though -- you can see towards my brow bone that the blue fades into green then gold for some high lighting. I also wish I would have contoured around the outer edges some more. But it still looks okay for working on a whim. I hadn't used my MAC foundation, concealer, and bronzer in several months, so it was nice to stray away from my usual Urban Decay and Sephora. And actually... a few days ago I did a before and after using Bare Minerals. I'll post that picture too:

I know the lighting is different between the first and second picture, but still, you can tell the difference is drastic. My before picture is going to come through the screen and kill puppies. Talk about a mug shot. lol

What I used: a shit-ton of BareMinerals.

Yeah, so my advice for those of you who are looking for mineral makeup, get BareMinerals. It's the best shit ever. I hadn't used it in over a year because I had no idea how to use it properly, but then a friend taught me and I was like HOLY SHIZNIT. All I used in the picture above was BareMinerals -- primer, foundation, concealer, blush, eyeliner, shadow, setting powder, eyebrow definer, mascara, and lip gloss. Whew. That's a lot of minerals on my face. lmao. Best part? I got to sleep in it and not feel bad the next morning...

ALTHOUGH... my pillow looked like I murdered a fucking turd.

We Fell in Love in a Hopeless Place

2012-01-09T01:01:00.001-06:00

I want to start a weight loss YouTube channel... but I'll feel weird if I don't get any views or the support I need. I only know one other person who actually does YT Vids, but even just one viewer would be awkward. lol.

Working out didn't go as planned today. Brad's friends are staying with us b/c it's a drill weekend, so we've been busy all day. I didn't even have time for 20 minutes on the elliptical. I'm gonna have to work twice as hard tomorrow to make up for the Mexican and no-exercise that happened today.

I'm getting upser pumped fro Tucson.

Ok, so I looked at the TV and the info screen popped up on it... and I wasn't touching the remote. It's actually just sitting next to me... no where near me at all. I'm kind of freaking out a little. :/

I think I'm just going to go to bed and call it a day.

C25K

2012-01-06T21:10:00.000-06:00

I'm starting the Couch to 5K. I started running today, but I guess technically I'll be starting the actual program tomorrow. I'll have to keep up with it while I'm in Arizona, but I don't think that'll be a problem b/c it'll be so easy to leave the kids with my Honey and Pops.

Also, on Monday, I'm starting Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. I'm getting in shape. I'm sick and fucking tired of being a complete lard ass. It's time to get healthy not only for me, but for my children as well. I don't remember the last time Brad called me sexy, and my goal is for him to say that the day he gets home from deployment. Between now and April 15th when he returns, I want to lose 50 pounds. I know it's a long shot, but better to set my sights high then not set any sights at all. Realistically, I'll probably lose around 25 pounds. But I'm okay with that, too. I want to be where I was right before I got pregnant with Killian. I wasn't fat, but I was getting into better shape and wearing smaller clothes.

On top of all this craziness, my escape to Tucson has moved up two weeks. I'm now officially leaving KC on January 18th. My Honey is flying up to KC so we can drive to Tucson together with the kiddos. This works out rather well because I'm going to be down there indefinitely. She didn't buy a return plane ticket home. So I could be there for 3 weeks, or I could be there for 3 months. Who knows. Either way, I'm going to be "stuck" in Arizona for a while... and I'm okay with that. I want to come back transformed - a completely different person all together. Thinner, healthier, happier.

This time I'm really sticking to both routines. I want to be able to wear a swimsuit without fear this summer. I don't have any stretchmarks anywhere except my tummy (thus I will never be seen in a bikini no matter what!), so I have nothing to hide or excuses to give. I'm also back on SparkPeople keeping my information up. I redownloaded the app on my phone and I'm good. I also downloaded the podcasts for the C25K, so that'll help me keep in check.

Anyway, I'm watching "Heroes" with the hubby. I'll update tomorrow on my Fitness Regime!

Sometimes Life Can Leave You Blind

2012-01-03T00:20:00.002-06:00

I don't even know what to write about anymore. I feel like my life is so boring right now. Nothing interesting is happening... which is kind of a blessing and a curse. I need something to brighten my day, but nothing to dull my peace.

Brad leaves for Arkansas in a couple of weeks. Once again he'll be gone for three and a half months while the kids and I stay in St. Joe and sell the house. However, at the beginning of February the kids and I are taking a road trip to Tucson. Honey is going to fly up and drive down with us. So that should be an interesting adventure. We're planning on staying for around a month -- it'll be nice to have my car. Honey is already setting up a membership for the kids and I at the country club in Oro Valley. I also have a friend that I went to high school with that lives in Tucson, so I'll be able to hang out with her and her children while we're there. We always plan on it, but never find the time. :)

And I guess taxes will be back before then, as well. Which will be super awesome. I'll have some spending money to go shopping and stuff. :)

AND OMG! I got a new laptop for Christmas, and guess what?! The motherfucker is already broke. WTF?!

Anyway... I'm thinking about doing the C25K. It'll be hard to do it without Brad in town though... but maybe I'll be able to do it while I'm in Arizona. The weather will be perfect, so it shouldn't be difficult to get outside and run. I've learned to love running, so we shall see.

2012 is a new life...

2011-12-31T13:36:00.001-06:00

I feel like 2012 is going to be different. So in lieu of this, I'm going to post some of my favorite songs from the past. Songs that defined me as a teenager... as a child. In 2012 I'm officially going to be in my mid-twenties. That's not a kid anymore (not that I've been a kid since I have kids lol). But I feel like mid-twenties is a new era... and I'm ready for it!

I need a drink.

2011-12-27T22:32:00.003-06:00

Christmas was good. The kids made out like bandits (per usual) and Brad and I did pretty well ourselves. Brad got me a new laptop and I got him a couple games and an electric razor.

I really need a cig.

We have a trololo

2011-12-16T11:06:00.001-06:00

Hello, Janie. Or maybe you're someone from Truly Unleashed who hasn't gotten in their last word. Or maybe you're just some douche who has no life and goes around saying mean things on blogs. But I'll go ahead and feed the troll, and answer your questions. that's fine.

1. I have been diagnosed with depression.

2. Mormonism is not a cult, it is a religion. Google it. Look it up in the dictionary. Do SOMETHING other than troll blogs.

3. As long as I believe in and love God he's not going to care what symbolic language I use. Calling me, one of God's daughters, an idiot is worse than me casually saying the word "bitch". Mine isn't directed to anyone, especially one of God's children.

4. You are quite rude. Take a chill pill, yo. And don't hide behind a computer, it only further proves what a coward you are.

Karma's a bitch, and talking about others' parenting skills like it is below par is nothing but negative and ridiculous. You'll be the one going to hell for judging someone for their life and choices.

So before you go trolling or just being mean again on another person's blog, think twice, because God is watching you.

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It's Raining, It's Pouring...

2011-12-14T11:10:00.002-06:00

About You
Eye Color: Sunflower Hazel (green around the outside, yellowish-brown around the pupil)
Hair Color: Natural - mousy brown. Current - deep brown, almost black
Height: 5'2"... minus an inch.
Favorite Color: Pink. Always.
Screen Name: Like AIM? I think it's Lurrve You. lol
Favorite Band: Linkin Park.
Favorite Movie: I can't choose just one.
Favorite Show: ANTM
Your Car: 2010 Chevy Equinox LTZ
Your Hometown: Kansas City, MO
Your Present Town: St. Joseph, MO
Your Crushes First Name: Bradley
Your Grade: College junior
Your Style: Chic

Have You Ever
Sat on your rooftop? No.
Kissed someone in the rain? No.
Danced in a public place? Yes.
Smiled for no reason? All the time.
Laughed so hard you cried? Yes.
Peed your pants after age 8? Yes, I was pregnant twice. lol
Written a song? Yes.
Sang to someone for no reason? Absolutely. <3
Performed on a stage? Many, many times.
Talked to someone you don't know? Of course.
Gone out of your way to befriend someone? Yes.
Made out in a theatre? Yes.
Gone roller skating since 8th grade? Unfortunately, no.
Been in love? I am in love.

Who was the last person to
Say HI to you? One of my kids, probably Valerie.
Tell you, I love you? Bradley.
Kiss you? Killian.
Hug you? Killian.
Tell you BYE? My dad.
Write you a note? Sheena.
Take your photo? Melissa.
Call your cell phone? Sarah.
Buy you something? Bradley.
Go with you to the movies? Sheena and Brittany. (Twilight Breaking Dawn Pt 1!)
Sing to you? Valerie
Write a poem about you? OMG...a poem? My middle school boyfriend, Clayton.
Text message you? Melissa.
Touch you? Valerie is touching me.

What's the last
Time you laughed? Probably last night before bed.
Time you cried? Last night when watching the music video for "Christmas Shoes" lol
Movie you watched? "Nightmare Before Christmas" with my kiddies.
Joke you told? I have no idea.
Song you've sang? Queen ft David Bowie - "Under Pressure" to put Kae to sleep.
Time you've looked at the clock? I... don't... remember. But right now it's 11:03am.
Drink you've had? Water.
Number you've dialed? Sarah Morton.
Book you've read? The Taking by Dean Koontz. It was REALLY good!!! I want to read The Husband now!
Food you've eaten? Chipotle last night. :)
Flavor of gum chewed? Juicy Fruit. This is unusual for me.
Shoes you've worn? Pink UGGs. And not the off brand shit.
Store you've been in? Chipotle. Before that, Old Navy.
Thing you've said? "You'll have to find the remote, Valerie."

Can You

Write with both hands? I can, but not well. lol.
Whistle? Yes.
Blow a bubble? Yes.
Roll your tounge in a circle? Only 3/4 of the way. lol
Cross your eyes? Yes.
Touch your tounge to your nose? No. And you spelled tongue wrong.
Dance? Yes.
Gleek? Bahahahaha YES! Fucking awesome.
Stay up a whole night without sleep? No. Why would I want to do that?
Speak a different language? No. I know a little Italian and Spanish.
Impersonate someone? I used to do the best Drew Barrymore impression. lol
Prank call people? No. I'm not 13.
Make a card pyramid? No. Not that coordinated.
Cook anything? I have like three specialties: tacos, tuna casserole, & cajun alfredo.

Finish The Line

If i were a ... fairy I would give everyone more Absinthe.
I wish ... We could sell this house and move to KC already.
So many people don't know that ... I'm extreeemely flexible.
I am ... a very sad person.
My heart is ... is with my family.

What are You Waiting For?

2011-12-13T02:06:00.000-06:00

I don't have much to write about. Writer's block still has the best of me right now. I haven't been able to write any more to my book - it's been almost a month since I've been able to just sit down and write. But I know it'll come to me eventually, only time will tell. And when my book is finished, I know it'll be fantastic and beautiful. I'm excited, but I'm also patient. It has to be perfect.

Brad has been home for about a week and a half now. Having him next to me every night has been a dream. His light breathing, soft touches on my hip, and good-night kisses are more than anything I could ask for. Taking things for granted comes too easily to humans, so it's magical when you're able to live in the moment, even the small ones.

I'm not sure if I already wrote about it or not, but we might have a buyer. They looked at the house last week but weren't pre-approved yet, but once they are they're going to put an offer on the house. It would be beyond convenient if the house were sold before Bradley left for Arkansas in mid-January. I'll be able to stay with Melissa and spend a few weeks in Arizona to make the time pass. But if it's not sold by then, I will not too worried about it. Lisa, our realtor, already told me that she'd help me figure out how to move our crap out and into my father-in-law's storage garage in Tonganoxie. I have faith. <3

Depression is still on my mind. It has been for a few weeks. I'll have moments of complete and utter happiness, followed by bleak, black holes of anger and sadness. A lot of it has to do with my lack of weight loss - I actually think I've been gaining weight. I can't even update my weight loss blog because I'm so damned ashamed of what's happening to me. Out of control doesn't even begin to describe my reaction to food. Why can't I be obsessed with apples or something? Why does it have to be chips and Mexican food? Where's my will-power I had over the summer? I had dropped around 17 pounds, but I'm pretty sure I've gained it all back, which saddens me immensely. Losing weight and keeping it off has always been my Achilles' heel. Sometimes easier to not eat than to eat healthily. But right now I know that's not option because my self-control is lost, somewhere unreachable in the abyss of hopes and dreams.
To add on top of my food obsession, I feel so alone. I have my amazing husband and children, but family has been quite lackluster lately. Especially my mother's side. A lot of crap went down about a year ago, and even though I sincerely apologized for what happened (even though the drama was mutual), I am still being ignored and told to walk on eggshells around them. If I am known for anything, I am known not to hide behind a facade of eggshells just to make someone else feel better. I want to feel better, too, and it's unfair that I'm being told to sit here with a fake happy face while they're allowed to lacerate my feelings. So I told my parents last night that I'm sick of it, and I will not be attending Christmas at their house if it isn't fixed. They told me they were going to take care of it months ago and nothing has happened. Instead they act as if everything is peachy. However, I'm not "allowed" to take it into my own hands and fix it. Heh. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I actually broke down in tears yesterday while on the phone with my dad because I feel like no one understands. I tried my hardest to fix this cluster of a mess, and while I'm putting 100% into it, doing whatever my parents say, no one else is meeting me half-way. It's a two-way street, and we gotta meet somewhere.

On a brighter note, my baby boy turned two on December 7th. My sweet baby boy is growing up all too fast. Both of my babies are. Such a long journey it has been, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Killian and Valerie are my world, and I couldn't imagine a life without their cheerful faces. What more could a mother ask for? Healthy, beautiful, striving children is all any parent wants for their child. And I'm more than fortunate enough to have two children just like that.
Killian has been doing so well lately, too. I was worried he was behind on vocabulary, but the last couple of weeks he's simply blown me away. He isn't putting sentences together quite yet, but I'm not too worried about it. His vocabulary is up to around 100-150, and he can name about 5 animals, 4 colors, and almost every body part (from his hair to his toes!). According to BabyCenter's Milestone Chart, overall he's a little above average. He's hitting some milestones that 30-month-old's are hitting, but then again, he's not quite up-to-par in the talking thing. But again, he's just like his father; rarely talks, is definitely a listener. Plus, big sissy does most of his talking for him! Since he's emerged so quickly in speaking the last couple of weeks, I wouldn't be surprised he started blurting out sentences like a fiend in the next month or so. He learns quickly when he wants to. :) He's also been doing rather well with the potty training. Baby Kae is nowhere near trained, but he's not scared of the potty, and compared to Val, that's a major feat in and of itself.

Waiting for Awesomeness to Happen

2011-12-07T10:52:00.001-06:00

Today is my Baby Man's birthday. It's really depressing to think that he is not really a baby anymore, and never will I have another baby. But that's not the point of today; today is the celebration of his sweet little life! We're not going anything too special today, just going to my parent's house and then church. Tomorrow we're going to the Zona playground with a few friends (Sheena, Melissa, and Caitlyn) and their kids (Mason and Riley). We'll probably do Killian's birthday dinner on Sunday or something. I feel horribly for not throwing him a soiree, but he'll have fun no matter what we do. Brad said something about taking him to Chuck E Cheese after we eat - he will looove that!

It's still been fantastic since Brad got home. I am not looking forward to him leaving again in a few weeks. But the kiddos and I will be going to Arizona for most of the time, so that'll be nice. I love spending as much time as possible with my Honey & Pops. <3 They're the bee's knees!

I still haven't written anymore to book. I guess I'm just waiting for awesomeness to happen and my book to just magically appear in front of me - hardback and all. But I'm smarter than that; I understand that it's hard fucking work to write a book. Blech. 10k pages down, 40k to go. *sigh*

I'm gonna go shower and get ready for the day. It's a special one. :)

Happy Birthday, my perfect baby boy!

I Feel Good

2011-12-04T11:03:00.001-06:00

My Bubbly came home Thursday night. It is so great to have him back. The kids were just as excited as I, even though they had just saw him a few days before. It's been amazing so far, even though he had to go to drill this weekend. :( But he did have all of Friday off, so that was pretty awesome.
Not much else has been going on. I haven't written anymore to my book, and I feel pretty helpless. I'm stuck. And yet, I'm sure if I just sat down and decided to start writing again, it would come to me. Hell, the story is ABOUT me, not sure how difficult it could be. I really wish I would have kept up a blog when Brad and I first met. It would be so much easier to just go back and basically copy what happened in my life from then to now. Oh well. I guess it'll all have to come from memory.
I talked to my Honey and Pops today. I get to go see them (with the kids) sometime in February. :) Brad leaves again mid-January, so it'll be nice to go see them. It's been 7 months since I've seen them, and we never go that long between visits. Kind of depressing, to be honest. But I'm planning on going and staying with them for several weeks. It really helps pass the time. And I definitely prefer going in February to March, because the weather is PERFECT. 70s the whole month. :)
Tonight my father-in-law is coming up for dinner with us. Apparently he missed his son lol. Stacey might be coming as well, but I'm not really sure. We'll probably go to Cheddar's (omnom).

I don't have much else to write. I guess writer's block has taken hold of me on my blog as well.

Fuck you writer's block. Fuck you.

So Damn Unpretty

2011-11-29T11:48:00.001-06:00

Thanksgiving was wonderful. The kids and I left St. Joe on Wednesday and drove the 8 hours down to Little Rock to see dada. It was so worth it! Just the looks on the kiddos' faces were beyond any love I've ever seen before. They saw him walking out of the hotel doors and they were in their car seats and just started screaming for daddy. I thought Valerie was going to cry in happiness. The rest of the weekend went well. On Thanksgiving, since the chow hall nor anything else on base was open, we went to Taco Bell for lunch and Cracker Barrel for dinner. LOL. And we didn't even have the Thanksgiving special at CB, Brad got biscuits and gravy and I had grilled catfish. It was amazeballs.
Black Friday was good, too. We woke up and lazied about. And then, for the first time ever, I had Waffle House! And I must say, it was much better than I had expected. I was pleasantly surprised. After we ate, we went to Best Buy, Toys R Us and the BX. We got the kids some toys and a shit-ton of clothes at the BX. While we were at the BX, an announcer came on and said that all the clearance clothes in the kids' sections were an extra 50% off. We robbed that place. Over $300 in clothes for $60. And it's all name brand stuff. Fuck yeah! While we were shopping, Brad had been keeping an eye on the Amazon flash deals or whatever the fuck they're called, and he ended up buying the camera thingy for the PS3 and a few games for us. I'm also pretty damn sure he got me the Kindle Fire. <3 Then for dinner, we had Moe's Mexican Grill - basically a spin-off of Chipotle (my favorite). I was pleasantly surprised with Moe's as well! Omnom.
Saturday was rainy and cold. So we stayed in except to go pick up dinner and a Redbox movie. Checkers for dinner and "Bad Teacher" to watch. "Bad Teacher" was beyond hilarious. The actual movie plot kind of sucked, but there were so many great one-liners that I'd watch it again in a heartbeat. Phyllis, from The Office, was hysterical!
Then Sunday came around... blech. That drive is shit. But the kids did exceptionally well, so I can't complain too much. I listened to Pandora the whole time in my car. I had my stations on quick mix between Disney, 90s alternative, and Christmas. It was a nice car ride home. hahaha. Leaving wasn't so bad since we found out that Brad gets to come home on Friday. :D I'm super fucking excited to have my Bubbly home. I know I just saw him for an entire weekend, but I still miss him so fucking much. Then he leaves again for another 3 and a half months in January.
No body said this was easy.

-------------------

So the title of the blog... *sigh* I don't know. I've been feeling extremely depressed lately... as I'm sure you've noticed in previous posts over the last few weeks. But damn. I just can't get out of it. Every time I turn around there's something else basically hurting my feelings and it effects me so much and I don't know why! The dumbest of things make me feel like shit and that's not right. I should let everything get to me so much - but I do. And I know it's a major flaw in my existence, but I can't help that I just want to be a happy, carefree person and then there's all these people trying to hold me back. Maybe I bring it on myself, but I always do the right thing and either apologize or admit I was wrong in the first place. I just don't understand why everything, from Facebook to family gatherings, has to be a huge fucking high school popularity contest. You don't have to have a fucking bitch all the time. And I just don't understand why it affects me so much. I know I shouldn't give a shit what other people think, but I do. That's just who I am. And if you don't like it, then maybe you should break it to me easily.
Jesus, this is such a sorry excuse for a pity party. But then it all connects back to how I look. Am I hated so widely because I'm fat and ugly? I am not a mean person, so that's certainly not the reasoning. It has to be that I'm fat. And there's only one way to fix that. Fall back onto my EDs? Heh, probably not. But I do have a new goal. 15 pounds by Christmas. I can do it. I'm gonna fucking do it. Just watch me.

Confessions

2011-11-22T21:05:00.001-06:00

I believe in Jesus and God, but I'm not sure what religion I should categorize myself.
-I've been considering Mormonism, but not sure how my husband would feel.
I've become attached to an inmate on Death Row. He was 18 when he shot a police officer point-blank, but something about his demeanor and loneliness makes me gravitate to him. I haven't written him a letter or made any sort of contact, but I desperately want to.
Every day I'm afraid of my cancer relapsing. And I also become worried that my children will get it as their skin is so damned fair. I'm Italian with olive skin and I got it. What's holding back God from giving my children the same genetic markers for melanoma?
I have an eating disorder. Multiple, actually.
I also have depression.
Sometimes I worry I'm not fit to be a mommy.

*sigh*

I'm tired.

Just a Short Update

2011-11-20T15:25:00.001-06:00

I haven't given a real update in a while, so I'll go ahead and tell you what all has been happening in my life as of late!

First of all, I'm about a fifth of the way finished with my book. I'm on chapter five, but I've hit a standstill. I'm getting really excited about going to see Brad and whenever I sit down to write, I can't think at all. All I can think about are his blue eyes looking into my eyes and living in our own little fantasy world. Soon he'll be home for Christmas and we'll spend the holidays together. But then he leaves for another 3-4 months of training. :( I hate being alone so much. I miss him. So fucking much. And I'm going to be PISSED if they decide to send him to the dessert again. Like, really pissed.

Anyway, the house selling isn't going according to plan. Shit sucks and we're getting no showing. The realtor said not even the $50k houses are getting showings, so it's pretty much a given that we're not going to get showings if the less expensive houses aren't getting any. Blah. And if our house isn't selling, then we're not building our new house. Which is just as frustrating. The longer it takes to sell this house, the longer it'll take for us to finally move back to Kansas City. We are sick of St. Joe, we are ready to be back with our amazing family and friends.

The kids are doing exceptionally well. Val is sweet as ever and Killian is my perfect little man.

Oh, on a more interesting note, I am now penpals with a couple people. I have one female penpal, her name is Denise, and she's currently incarcerated for child abuse. And the other is a male, and he's on death row for killing an officer. It sounds odd, I know, but I'm being safe about writing them (I use a pen name and write through the church address). Also, I've never really had any connection to prison. I've never even been pulled over for a traffic violation. So I figured this would be the best way to really get to know what prison is like - unlike watching "Shawhank Redemption" or something where it's totally not real. So here I am, educating myself the best way I can... without actually going to jail. And along the way, maybe I'll make someone's day. I tried to find a nursing home penpal program, but all I could find were sites wanting volunteers to write the letters for the old people... but there were none near Kansas City. So that's out of the question. So I chose incarcerated people. lol. I also contemplated writing to someone in the military, but I didn't know how Brad would feel about that, so I just said no. lol

Anyhow... I think baby K is up from his nap.

Trying Again...

2011-11-18T20:33:00.001-06:00

I updated to the new Blogger interface. We'll see if this actually shows up.

I write entire posts then they don't show up!

2011-11-18T20:32:00.001-06:00

It's Not the Weather

2011-11-17T20:28:00.001-06:00

you'll only get this if you have trollicons

2011-11-14T15:11:00.002-06:00

Will Someone...

2011-11-11T13:56:00.000-06:00

Will someone please take my fucking kids? That or I need my husband home asap. I don't know if I can another month+ of this alone.

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On a lighter note, I just wanted to say thank you to a certain someone (you know who you are). When someone was talking shit on me and Sheena, you took the high road and didn't say anything rude about us. It was cool, because even though you KNEW no one would read your conversation with this person, you still didn't say anything bad - if anything, at one point you said that we just being mommies. It was truly amazing. So again, thank you. It's awesome that we've been able to move on.

Wow.

2011-11-09T01:46:00.000-06:00

The third chapter is finished and I'm now moving onto my fourth chapter. I don't think I'm going to post much more of the book on the internet. I know I'm not some famous writer, but I want to be sure no one steals my work. lol. I've sent my book to about 8 people so far and they're all loving it, so why risk the chance?

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Chapter Two...

2011-11-08T00:49:00.001-06:00

IS FINALLY FINISHED! YAYYYZZZZZ