A Paige Full

Me.

2013-04-30T16:21:00.002-04:00

So many options... only one decision. What to do, what to do? I can get guidance but ultimately it’s up to me what I do. I’m the one responsible for me. I am my own. I am my sun, I am my rain. I am my biggest enemy and my best friend. I tear myself down and I build myself up. I have to live with myself at the end of the day. If I want your opinion, I’ll ask. I worry about me because I understand that at the end of the day, it’s me who decides what I do and when. I understand that at the end of this life – I’ll look back at what I did and didn’t do; what I said or didn’t say, but I won’t be pointing my finger at you. You should worry about you and don’t be concerned with me. You aren’t responsible for me; I don’t report to you, I don’t even really like you to be honest. You put your nose where it doesn’t belong and then wonder why I don’t give you the time of day? I don’t think so. Think what you want about me, judge me how you want, but at the end of the day your opinion doesn’t mean anything to me. You don’t define me. I do. I render you powerless. I call your bluff. What now? I decide. Me.

My heart is heavy and the days are long.

2013-01-15T11:42:00.001-05:00

My heart is heavy, the days are long and my eyes are weary. I grow tired of growing old so fast. No rest for the wicked seems to be the truest statement of these days. I’ve exhausted all that I once had and now I don’t know what I’m left with. After the shaking, there’s always a settling. Leave time to find out what’s left, what’s whole, what’s trash… I will be thankful for that which remains. I will be thankful for that which remains. That which remains will not be breakable or shakable. It cannot be left. That which remains is just that… It will stand fast, it will be steadfast; it will be.

Stone cold silence surrounds me. Anger burns in their eyes, oh how the anger burns. It penetrates into my soul and I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure how to handle it. I’m immediately taken back to when I was a child and my confrontation issues. It always horrified me. You’ll leave when you’re angry and I don’t know if you’ll come back. I don’t want to be alone again…. Too many times, I had my Everything walk away and I refuse to give a second chance for that to happen. So I stay distant, because I don’t trust well; not after something so traumatic. Eventually people reach their breaking point, and I never know which mistake will cause you to reach yours with me. I try to stay perfect, but deep inside I know that’s not who I am.

Look. Look at yourself. What do you see? I see a girl. I see a girl who is broken and confused. She tries with all her might to put herself together and make it through a day. Day after day, it’s a battle. It’s a battle she just can’t seem to win. I see a girl who tries so hard to be there for everybody else but is never there for herself. I see a girl who is fragile. I see a girl made of glass, terrified to let anyone know because she doesn’t want to be broken again…

December 7th

2012-12-07T20:01:00.001-05:00

I find myself quite upset tonight. For reasons known. I'm upset because I have allowed people to walk in and out of my life. I'm upset because we have lost our culture. I'm upset because people don't know what they really want in and out of life. Indecision and uncertainty has a huge part to play in how we act and what we do. I'm upset because society as a whole has become so apathetic. I'm guilty of that. Getting better, but guilty nonetheless. I know in my personal journey, I've used apathy as a tool to protect myself. I've used it as a coping method. The funny thing is though, it never really helped. The hurt was still there. It just made me appear to be something and a way I was not and am not. I'm upset because men and women are no more. Society has allowed men to become women and vice versa. I mean this, both literally and figuratively. Now, the sad truth is, someone like me comes along and wonders what is what and gets terribly confused. I don't know what a 'woman' really is. What I do know, is what a woman is not.

I'm in a situation tonight that really sucks. It's out of my control and it's not what I consider to be wise, but what does a 20 year old know, right? Wrong. I know an awful lot. And I know wrong when I see it. I don't just dislike this situation because I don't like it. There's string attached. And I see what this one decision has the potential to affect. This could be the tip of the iceberg. If that is the case it is very possible and plausible that many people I know and love will be making decisions that are not in their best interest. If THAT happens, then I have no choice but to no longer walk on the same path as them. This. This is heartbreak, my friends. Now, I am hopeful that does not happen. However, one thing I do understand is cause and effect.

I'm not going to write a lot tonight because, honestly, I'm tired. I've had a long week, I've had a long day, my eyes are tired from crying. I would like to know though, how many good people do we have to lose before we make a change? How bad do things have to get before we decide to do something different? We keep trying the same stuff and it isn't working. Let's address this, come up with solutions and try something new. Better yet, let's BE something new. I don't want to be what's out there. I've been around and I've seen a lot of things and I'll be honest with you. Most of it is crap. I'm better than that. I'm better than what's out there because I push myself to be and because I strive to be something else. I hope that someone can remind me when I'm hard on myself that it's because I care about myself more than most care about themselves. I'm not settling here. It's not ok with me and I'm sick of the same things. I don't want to be the person I was five years ago, and thank god that I'm not. I have a lot to learn about myself. But one thing I do know, is I don't give up, and I don't let go. I'm hard headed, I'm stubborn, and I want something better than what is currently being offered for myself and those that will come from me. I'm standing up. I'm doing something. It's very apparent to me that to continue doing nothing, doesn't work.

"In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." - Theodore Roosevelt

Make a Change.

2012-10-27T12:56:00.001-04:00

I've been looking and watching. A lot. Like I usually do, but this time I'm looking for something different. I used to look and see what was wrong because ultimately, that's what I was looking for. Now, I look for what is right. I don't care what's wrong. There are a thousand things that are 'wrong' but only one is right. One of the statements that my dad says to me a lot is "You're looking in the wrong place for the wrong thing." This is truth. I have been looking for the wrong things in the wrong places and ended up worse than where I started.

I got sick of being in the same place. I got sick of feeling like I was treading water and wasn't going anywhere. Of course the reason I felt that way, is because I WASN'T going anywhere. I was doing a whole lot of splashing in the shallow end of the pool. I decided this was not ok with me. I wanted to be something different.

Have I fully succeeded in being where I want to be? No. But I do feel as though I'm more on my way than I was. It took me realizing where I was at, not liking it and making a choice. I have to first embrace where I am before I can change.

Thankfully for me, I have a dad that is honest with me. He doesn't love me because he has to but because he wants to. For that reason, he can say the hard things to me and tell me what he sees and it makes a lasting impression. When I take the time to see what he sees from his perspective, I find him right. I find him truth. I find that through him, I can make a change. The thing that people don't realize is that they are exactly where they want to be. If they really wanted to be somewhere else, they would have the gumption to do so. I am being honest with myself, facing where I am, and doing something different so I can make a change and be who and where I want to be. If you want to make a change, I suggest you do the same.

I'm not who I used to be...

2012-09-15T22:15:00.001-04:00

I saw an old friend today. We drifted apart a few years ago, for reasons not needed to be mentioned. When I heard I was going to see him my heart ached. It ached because I was sad about what we lost, about the fact that I realized I know longer know this man. Not like I once did. He has changed, and so have I. I saw him, and hugged him; happy for his new life, new wife and hopefully new eyes. All I could think was 'I promise, I'm not who I used to be. I'm not who I was or in the same place as the last time I saw you.' I think he saw this to be truth. I understand the cycle of life. I understand that people drift apart and closer together at different times of their life. I understand hellos and goodbyes. I've experienced more than my fair share. Ok - short story - I was with some ladies this weekend and today was the day to return back home. I heard several times 'I hate goodbyes.' but why do we always look at it as a goodbye? I've moved many a time and I've met many a people. Whether I talk to those people who mean a lot to me or not, I carry them with me. I carry them in my heart. When I part from someone's presence I don't think of it as goodbye. I recognize the imprint they have had on my life. They will always be there. Ok, back to my story... Where was I? Oh yes, cycle of life - this I understand. I have no resentment towards this old friend. I wish only the best for him and his new life. I understand that sometimes with love, you have to do what's best for the other party even if that means you're not a part of that. Or you don't FEEL a part of it. I can tell you this - I know I played a part in this mans life. For better or worse. I would like to think for better but as I admitted previously, I'm not the same person I was. I'm better now. Much better.

I went into that to really segue into something else. I'm going to do something that I generally feel very uncomfortable doing - talking about myself. And I'm doing this while listening to "Less than Perfect" (ok, if you go to listen to the song... Listen to clean version.) how fitting. I am going to tell you what I have learned about myself this year. It's been in my spirit to do for a while but I am finally doing it. Here goes...

I like big and bold things. I like color. I like to play the piano, though I am still getting the hang of it. I like cows and the mountains and the oh so sweet smell of Vermont. I like freshwater and would rather streams, lakes and ponds than the ocean - at least at this point. I like giving, I like feeling like I make a difference, I like feeling like I have something good to say. I don't like being impatient and I don't like the possibility of sounding rude. I like to give people the ability and to want to say good things about me, not because I want to be amazing, but because I want people to see that I AM that way. Because I am. I like playing with the big dogs. I like getting excited about small and simple pleasures. Sometimes I even like reminiscing. I'll find out soon if I like pottery but I'm thinking I will. I'm confident, I'm smart, I'm funny and god am I gorgeous.:) Yes, I realize this all sounds so vain, but if you knew me like I know me - you would realize I'm right. I fight, I stand, and I love a challenge. I've learned that I don't cry - I ball my eyes out. I'm going to stay on this for a second... I'm a very hard person and for a long time I confused this with being cold.. I thought that the only way to be 'tough' was to take a beating and turn the other cheek. And I did just that. For a really, REALLY long time. I thought that to be tough and hard and strong I had to stay unaffected. Any time I cried, it was an extremely unpleasant experience. If I cried I was weak. Gosh, what a girl! Well, that just isn't okay. What can girls do? They just cry and whine and everyone knows they can't throw. They spend way too much time daydreaming and fantasizing. They talk A LOT. They giggle and they're silly and they dress up and make you have tea parties with them. They take a lot of love and attention. No wonder I didn't want to be one! If I cried, there was hell to pay - literally. For a long time, I said "I don't cry." It's taken quite a bit on my part but for the last oh, say six months anyway, (ok really... Since its now September it's been like 9 or 10 months) every time I turn around I've been balling my eyes out. I don't just mean cry, I mean like torrential downpour coming from my eyes. Ever heard the song 'This is the Story of a Girl'? If not its ok. The chorus says "This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole wold." Yeah. That sounds about right. But I've found that you can cry, or in my case just about sob, and still be strong. You can be vulnerable, and still be strong. At least, I can be. And if you don't believe me.. Just get on the rugby field with me.:)

Gosh! I feel like I've written a Paige. (ha!) But I'm not done yet.. Hang with me. I hope I'm not boring you and if I am, oh well, this is important stuff.

I met the SWEETEST girl this weekend. She came up to me and said "Every time I see you, I just want to smile." along with several other very kind things. Now, please understand, I didn't think poorly of myself before she said these things, but to have someone I just met say such things about me and most importantly TO me, was truly a breath of fresh air. I had no thoughts of her saying this just to be nice, or because of any ulterior motives, and I didn't have to hear it from someone else. I didn't have to hear it third party, but it came straight from the source. I think that touched me more than anything else this weekend. The fact that I met this young woman and she was brave enough and bold enough to say 'this is what I see in you.' I wish there were more people like that in this world.

I know this has kind of been a smorgasbord of thoughts but that's ok. My thoughts, like myself, are fluid and moving and ever changing. I want to end with this - if you know me and are reading this... Take another look. If you're reading this and don't know me, don't be quick to judge. You cannot know me by reading what I post, although I do post some personal things. What I share and what I do is not who I am. This post, while you're reading it, isn't so you can get to know me. It's so I can release me. It's so I can declare something about who and what I am. It's so I can sit here on and airplane and realize that I haven't want a gryphon tattooed on my ribs just because they're freaking awesome mythical creatures but because they speak to my character and my nature. Because inside of me, is a gryphon. Because inside of me is a woman that has all of those characteristics. And that woman is coming forth.

25 Years

2012-09-03T17:04:00.001-04:00

This weekend a House celebrated the labors and fruits of one man. That man completed 25 years of ministry in Rutland VT. That man is one of the reasons I am who I am. Yesterday someone started a sentence with "25 years ago I was....." and I thought to myself "25 years ago I was not. 25 years ago, no one had me on their grid. But... In 25 years...."

25 years is longer than I've been alive. There are very few things I have been doing for that long so I have great respect when someone has chosen a path and walked it for that long. 25 years, is a quarter of a century, and while that sounds like a really long time, it passes in the blink of an eye.

As I sat yesterday morning, I thought of some of the people I've met along the way. Some of those, decided to walk a different path, some continued. And then, I looked at the man I was there to honor. And I thought of all those people and thought "I'm one I the lucky ones. I have the honor and privilege to walk with a man. I have the honor and privilege to have this man in my life. And for that I am so extremely thankful."

I'm not writing this to commemorate a celebration held this weekend. I'm writing this because to not share my thoughts with however many or few read this, would be a shame. I'm writing this because I was there, and you may not have been. I'm writing this because the man I want to honored this weekend - and hope I honor everyday - deserves to be written about. He is worth my time. And he is worth so much more than one blog post.

I love you, Apostle.

Great Potential

2012-07-03T13:56:00.001-04:00

I've known a lot of people with some pretty great potential... Sadly, that was all it ever was. Potential. They didn't do anything with the resources they had. 'Woe is me' didn't get them where they needed to go. They stopped short of the goal, if they were even ran they race at all. I don't want to be one of those people. I want to be something. No, I want to DO something. Those are two very different things. I have this desire to feel like everyday I do something productive. Some nights I go to bed a little less satisfied than others. For a while I thought it was just because I like the feeling of "Look what I did." and while this is true, it's not the sole reason.

I keep thinking that if I do a little more and try a little harder it will get me where I want to go. And in the end, it doesn't. There's always something else I could have or should have done. I always could have tried a little harder. There's always something I could have done better or put more effort in to. All I have to show for 20 years of 'trying harder' is being really tired. What kind of potential is that? Not very self-satisfactory I can tell you that much. For twenty years it's been "but maybe one day...." but 'one day' never quite seems to be this day, or the next day.

I want to feel like its enough, but there's always two more phases to be done. There's always one more step to take, one more word to say. Just one more. One more thing to do before that potential is made manifest. So much of the time I feel so far from that potential made manifest because I don't even know where to start. I don't know where I'm trying to go or where I'm starting from. All I know is I don't want to end up in the same place I start.

I'm twenty years in to this thing we call life. Some days are better than others, but on those not so good days, I feel like I'm worse off than when I started. I've been through a lot, and most of it has just caused more confusion than anything. I don't know why I do half the things I do anymore. I just go through my oh so routine days and hope that maybe at some point, something, somewhere along the way will break. I hope that at some point I'll figure what I'm trying to do and who I'm supposed to be. Maybe somewhere along the way someone will give me more than 'be yourself' because that is so ridiculously stupid to say to someone who doesn't know who they are. Maybe at some point, I'll take whatever potential I have, and do something with it and make it more than just 'great potential.'

It's not mine.

2012-06-10T21:00:00.001-04:00

Week one of house sitting down. Two more to go. This is the first time I've done this for this length of time. While I'm getting used to it, whenever I look around I still think "This isn't mine." and it causes questions for me. What if it was? How would it be different? Sometimes I know the answer, sometimes I don't. For one, I have a dog while I'm house sitting. Granted, Moose is back home but if I was on my own, he wouldn't be with me. And neither would Guri (she's the chocolate lab I'm watching) which would cause a little bit more free time rather than picking up all the things she chews up. -_-

I have some of my things with me but this is much different than being 'home.' Now, let me explain the reason for the quotes... See I moved around a lot as a kid. Rutland VT is the only place that's always been in my life dispite all the moving around. With that being said, Rutland is the only place I've ever really considered home. I use the term home loosely because home isn't always a place. Ultimately, my home needs to be in me; wherever I am.

Now where was I.... Oh yes, this is much different than home. It's different than home because at home, I know where everything is. I know how everything works. Ultimately, it's where I'm comfortable. I'm becoming more comfortable here, but it isn't... Me. It's someone else's place and someone else's stuff and this place says "Bethany" which is good! Because it's HER place.:)

On a related but seemingly different note... I'm currently watching Two and a Half Men. This episode is one after Charlie Sheen got kicked off the show and Aston Kutcher (Walden) replaced him. At this point in the show Walden has redecorated the place and if you notice the scenery, he has several different computer references which is very fitting to him and his job. Granted, there aren't so many swimming references in Bethany's house, I still have that feeling. I'm staying in this house, and some of my stuff is here but it's still not mine. Which is fine, it's not meant to be, but it does cause me to have appreciation for what is mine.

Well, I think that's about all I got for now. Hopefully it won't be so long in between blogs next time.

I'm back

2012-03-28T21:17:00.000-04:00

It's been a long while. I wish I could say I've missed blogging but if I did, I wouldn't be 100% honest. I've wanted to a couple of times but all in all, I didn't want to. So I let it sit. I've been helping out with rugby and keeping busy as I do. It's strange, for as quickly as the past few months have gone I feel like I should have more to say, more that I accomplished in that time. Maybe it's just my need to feel like I've done something with myself somehow proving me okay. I feel like for as good with myself as I am, I still have so many issues I have to work out. I still have so far to go. Who knows, maybe the journey will go by quicker than expected.

Man, when I thought about writing this blog it was so much more full and colorful in my head. Now, I've sat down at the computer to type it up and it's just not there. I can think of things happening in my life, lots of birthdays going on, a friend of mine is getting ready to move into a new apartment and preparing to start his life with his soon to be wife. I am so happy for them. I'm getting ready to take piano lessons. It's not like there aren't things going on in my life. They just seem so trivial to me right now, I guess. I sit here and think "Do I really want to blog about this?"

But then when I think about the 'deeper' side to life, it's all a blur to me. I just don't know. I never seem to know. It's just a pain. I would say that I have a lot of opinions but I don't know how true that is anymore. I understand color and I understand black and white but I don't understand grey. I feel like I'm constantly finding myself in yet another grey area. People ask me how my day is and by default I say good. If nothing extremely bad happened, I count that as a good day. I have my good moments and bad moments throughout EVERY day. What sets one apart from another?

Who's on first, what's on second and I seem to be the "I don't know" on third. (If you're reading this and don't know what I'm referring to... you're missing a great part of history.) I feel like my life is an Abbott and Costello skit of which I'm Costello, and it's not a skit. Well I guess I'm done for now. I'll be sure to post again soon.

Let's Start 2012

2012-01-04T23:46:00.001-05:00

Well, first off I'd like to say happy new year. Looks like the world didn't end.:) However, I will say this, when it struck midnight and I went to send a text and it didn't work I looked at my friend and said "Well we survived but my phones dead so maybe it really is the end of the world!" Now I'm not really that superficial but I'll certainly joke about it.

2012 - what say you? We are now in your territory, your year.

As 2012 approached, I really didn't think much of it. I was ready to welcome the new and get rid of the old, but aside from that I really haven't had any preconceived ideas. Now that I'm in this year though, I think that a lot of this year is about endings. I don't think that the Mayan calendar ending at this point had anything to do with the end of the world. I think it's incredible and says something about the people that they made it that far! I know I sure wouldn't. Are you kidding? No thanks. I'll pass on making a calendar that far out. My dad can hardly get me to make one for the next year.

Anyway, back to my point. The year of endings. I think that we (humanity) looks at endings from the wrong point of view. We look at what we are losing and not what we can gain from it. It's like asking if the glass is half full or half empty. The great thing about a half empty cup is you are now that much closer to being able to fill it with whatever you want. I don't know, maybe I'm just getting to a place where I can finally put a positive spin on almost anything but let me tell you, the world is so much more beautiful from this standpoint.

I made the statement to someone a few days ago: "I've been on both sides of the coin." And that statement is so true in my life. It seems as though every experience I've had, I've walked both sides. I've done the religious church thing and I've done the rebellious teenage thing. I've done the rugby thing and the professional thing. I've gone from one polar opposite to the next. I look back on, well what there is to look back on, and could I have been wiser? Absolutely. But everything has worked out for me - and really well. I still have my struggles but what 19 year old doesn't? And what do struggles matter when you walk in the favor of Yahweh?

We so look at the wrong thing in life. For one, we are looking at things and not people. We live in a place of assumption all the time. I told my dad recently, one of the greatest dangers in life is to think you know. That statement keeps coming up in me. I don't want to think I know. Either I know or I don't. It's really that black and white - that simple. Why over complicate?

In 2012 (I don't think; I know this) there will continue to be a lot of endings for me. With just as many endings as there will be in this next year, there will be that many beginnings. I embrace both because I understand that you cannot have one without the other.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T00:53:00.002-05:00

Well, it's Christmas - which let's me know that the year is almost over. In looking back on 2011, it's really been quite a good year. It's hasn't been without it's hardships but it's proving to all be worth it. Just in looking back on my blogs since this summer I can see a growth, a change. I'm ending 2011 with a good attitude. 2012 will be bright and full of opportunity. It will be bright because of my positioning and alignment. I know who I am - or at least I have a pretty good idea. ;)

I think as we go into this next year, attitude is important. Attitude is something that can help us through or hold us back. Negative attitudes have no good purpose. Bad days happen but we don't have to allow circumstances to determine our attitude and outlook. Life is hard enough on its own - we don't need to make it any harder. That's really all that bad attitudes do. Their purpose is to hold us back and get in our way. As much as I like challenges, life gives me enough on its own, it doesn't need any help.

It's late. I'm going to bed. I can't write anymore. I can't really think anymore.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. :]

Let's be honest.

2011-12-15T23:58:00.001-05:00

I found myself in a conversation with someone today and I can't say it was the prettiest conversation that I've ever had... But it was necessary. Even if the other party doesn't realize it. I'm still a little irked about the situation. It's not affecting my day to day, but it is making me look at things differently.

The situation: I've known this guy for a few years now, and at one point we were fairly good friends. He moved out of state some time this year and has recently found himself fired and with unpleasant living conditions, to say the least. I got a message from him saying he was trying to get enough money to come back home. Long story short, after talking to him today he was $20 short and had a crappy attitude. Now, obviously he's not in the most pleasant of situations; as I told him today though, having a bad perspective doesn't help anything. He didn't really like that. What he doesn't know is that I was thinking about sending him the last $20, but due to his attitude, I decided not to. I decided he had to do something for himself.

I'm not down for a pity ride. That's what I felt like was going on. I tried to bring some light to the situation and it was refused, really. It's his choice, it's on him.

He said this to me,"I'm sick of failing." Instantly, I thought "If you never follow through with anything, if you always give up when you're almost there, all you'll ever do is fail."

I'm not friends with quitters. I'm not friends with people who give up on the last stretch. So let's be honest here, grow a pair before you get a hold of me again. I don't need people in my life who refuse to see beauty, and refuse to appreciate what they do have, only seeing what they don't. If that's what holds you back, I don't want you around me.

Mark this as judgement. I'm done trying to soften what I say. I'm done beating around the bush. Let's just be honest, because I'm done with everything else.

Simplicity.

2011-12-11T21:13:00.001-05:00

So, to be perfectly honest I really don't know what to blog about today. I thought about the lovely - you're only young once - lesson that seems to keep coming up in my day to day life, but when I started that blog, it didn't go very far. It was much better in my head than actualized and thus, I erased what I had started. Now, I am starting over... only in today's society can I do that.

I've been finding myself faced with quite a few decisions lately. What do I allow to effect me? What do I not? Who do I give second chances to, likewise, who do I not? Yes or no? I mean, really conceptually, this whole thing is simple. The meaning to life is really simple. The complexity in anything lies in the simplicity. "It CAN'T be that easy."

Oh, but that's the beauty of it. It IS that easy. Human nature is to over-complicate things. If we just did and stopped thinking, we'd be a lot better off. My darkest times are the times I spend in my head.

I wrote down the following one day: It's what doesn't exist that will always win.

I struggled with that statement a little bit, but had the revelation one day of its truth. It wins because of the endless opportunity and the sheer possibility that it COULD. We've shoved everything that we "know" so far into a box that there's no way it can.

I remember reading The Little Engine That Could and thinking "That's so cool! He believed in himself." Somewhere along the way I realized that if he hadn't believed in himself, no one else ever would have. That epiphany changed a lot of how I think. Of course, I don't always think that is the case, because God knows that there were times in my life that if someone else hadn't believed in me, I never would have. I think that there is a lot of give and take and that once you have someone who can show you how to believe in you, it becomes your job to believe in yourself. It's that simple. Believe in you.

A Reminder

2011-12-04T21:23:00.001-05:00

I've been finding lately, that I've had to remind myself that I'm only 19. Oh good God, I'm only nineteen... I guess my "growing up" mentality hasn't quite gone away yet! When I was little, (I don't really remember but I'll take my dad's word on it) my dad would tell me "Sometimes you have to remind me that you're only ____ years old."

It's funny how those childhood lessons haven't really left me alone. Maybe I just think about it and realize it more now, due to my nephew but hey, it'll work:) - for any reason. I have now referenced quite a few childhood thoughts/games as I think it should be for now. Too often childhood is looked upon as 'immaturity.' I challenge that thought. Some of the hardest lessons I've had in life are what I would consider 'adolescent' lessons.

Not all of our 'growing up stage' is bad. It's our perspective of how it 'could have been' as we get older that messes it up. I know I'm getting over this whole 'what if' thing in life. "What if" doesn't matter. What IS does. Sometimes - as my sister said today - you gotta work with what you have. You won't get new things until you learn to appreciate what you do have.

I've always disagreed with the phrase: you don't know what you have 'til it's gone. Why of course I do! If I have a camera I don't realize it's a camera AFTER I sell it. I have a dog laying beside my chair right now. I don't need anyone else to tell me he's there. And I can tell you NOW the characteristics in this dog and what I love about him and what irritates me about ole Moosers. I don't have to wait until he's dead for that. Only a lazy person "doesn't know what they have until it's gone" because only a lazy person wouldn't take the time to look and acknowledge while that thing is there.

You can call it what you want... But in the end it's spelled the same way. Maybe I'm being a little harsh at the moment but.... I'm 19 and I get this concept. Offended yet? I hope not. That's not my intention but I won't fight it either. Offense happens, but it doesn't have to have power over you.

I've disagreed with a lot of things and a lot of people but I don't usually allow offense to decide if I still have relationship with a person. Just like I'm only 19, we are all only humans. I guess I say all this to say there are times to be hard on oneself and there are times to be merciful. I, personally, am still working on the merciful part. Being hard on myself I can do.

So remember this, you're only ___ years old and you're only human - but that doesn't allow you to be lazy.

You're in control.

2011-11-22T19:29:00.001-05:00

Just so those of you who read this know, I started another bog today. A Music Paige.

Now, onto what I wanted to discuss. I got my vanity today!! It was a fantastic experience. We opened the box and the table was all in one piece! Didn't have to put together the drawers, put together the rest of it and then lug it up the stairs and into my room. It was such a pleasant surprise. :) So easy, so right.

And on to a deeper topic - I was watching Castle this morning and heard something that has stuck with me all day.

"You think it's a weakness, so make it a strength."

How awesome. So much of us lose that concept. Wait, we can do that? Yes, yes we can. I know I personally have struggled with that idea. I've had what I thought to be a weakness and let it be just that - a weakness. That's not ok. Why 'let it be' when we can make it be so much more and so much better? Yet we all do it. We allow ourselves to 'live' with things because it's 'just apart of' who we are, when that is not truth. Maybe NOW it's a part of who you are but that's only because you've allowed it to become that.

We seem to think that we have no control over anything. Lie. Maybe if we all stopped lying to ourselves we'd be in a much better, harder spot. See, I have turned my blog from "I like to rant" to "Let's drag all this crap out in the open". While dragging it all out may very well be the harder "I don't like this as much" way, it is much more rewarding in the end - even though I haven't gotten there yet. If nothing else the dragging it out and getting rid of it makes me feel better. It makes me feel more at peace, because I'm doing something about all those things I previously thought I had no control over. I found out I'd been lied to and so I now have the mindset of my three year old nephew. He believes he can do anything because, as my father so wisely stated, "No one ever told him he couldn't." Well, in some ways I have found myself going back in time lately. To be honest, I've rather enjoyed it. It's refreshing when you start to look at things like you can do anything because no one ever told you otherwise. Sure, people have said otherwise to me... but most of it was lies. :) If you don't believe me, just look at my life. It's all the proof I need.

A Choice

2011-11-20T21:52:00.001-05:00

Faced with a choice, after looking at the possible options, a decision is made. Conclusion reached. Go on as I had been going on. Get my head out of the situation. Stop thinking about it and do, as previous. That is the only option because that is the only option that leads to life.

I'm not doing this blindly. I'm doing this with guidance from the Holy Spirit. It has nothing to do with faith, with the exception of my faith in Yahweh in the other party. This is all vague, I know. But I feel as though the details of the situation should not be shared publically on the Internet for the world to see. It is a personal situation and shall remain as such, (with a few exceptions) until I'm on the other side of this. There is a time and season for all things.

I made a declaration tonight to my Creator that I choose life. While a head slap may be in order from time to time, it, is my choice. Any Death in me can feel free to leave, and that which remains will be expunged.

I understand what is on the line and I'm not willing to risk it.

Just a Rant

2011-11-19T13:44:00.001-05:00

So today I'm going to rant because, well I feel like it and because I can. Don't try to get some über deep meaning outing this because to my knowledge, there will be none. So here goes:

People. They have opinions of what you SHOULD do with YOUR life. "Well Paige, you should go to school." Are you gonna help me pay for it? "What do you wanna do when you grow up?" Oh right, because I haven't grown up yet. Thanks for saying I'm still a little kid. Then, when I answer, I get this look of "That's it? Really?" Don't ask if you don't want the answer. If you have a problem with the answer, I don't really care. I'm not your kid. If it's good enough for me, it should be good enough for you. See, here's the deal - I don't have to let ANYONE live vicariously through me. I'm just supposed to live MY life, not yours. If you have all these great ideas then YOU do them.

What I do find quite peculiar is that the people whom you wouldn't mind getting an opinion from usually don't care. It's everyone else that seems to have some sort of preconceived notion.

I guess I just get irritated because everyone seems to have these grandiose ideas of how my life could be but that implies that my ideas aren't good enough. My head works perfectly fine, thank you.

A Who.

2011-11-17T21:58:00.001-05:00

Last night, was about a man. Today is about a woman. Tomorrow, another man. Each day I awake, I find that day to be about a person, whether that person is myself or another.

I bought a vanity online recently and I've been waiting for it to come in. It was supposed to get here yesterday and I think I know why it didn't. Yesterday wasn't about me getting a vanity. It was about me seeing a different blessing in my life; that blessing is a who. It didn't come today, and I'm good with that - my priorities are in order. Even if I got it today, it wouldn't make today about a vanity, it would still be about the woman today is about.

Man lies, so I'm not on Man's schedule. I'm on a higher schedule. My days are about people, not things. Things are only the evidence of the blessings in our life. For example, I have a 2007 Nissan Altima - 6 speed, push button start. That car is evidence of blessing. It, in itself is not a blessing. Now don't get me wrong, I love my car. I love my car for many reasons, first and foremost because Yahweh is the reason I have that car. That car is undeniable proof to me that I know and love a god that knows and loves me back. It is evidence. Nothing more, nothing less.

I am so thankful for that evidence in my life, but my life is not about said evidence. It's about so much more. It's about people. It's about a who. Always. I have been on a... Let's say journey. I have been on a journey lately to make sure that I am in alignment with who 'this day' is about. I have found that everyone has there turn.

I'll leave with this: If today is not your day, there will be your day. So be patient and do not be jealous. Jealousy only delays you on your journey.

The Hiding Place

2011-11-13T20:29:00.001-05:00

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Ready or not, here I come!

Awaiting in the dark, sitting in the silence, not knowing when the light was going to creep in. To come out would mean to risk losing the game. Oh, how unimaginable that would be! No, not me. I'm in it to win it.

The hiding was easy. Just to sit and let my mind go wherever it wanted - whether it be into battle or in a fairytale yet to come true. I could be and do what I wanted while hiding. I thought for so long it was just a "childish game" but to be honest it was one of my favorites. It was so much more than "hiding"; it was a new adventure every time. Then one day I realized the truth, I was still playing a game of Hide and Seek.

My life had become one 19 year long game. I had conquered the hiding. I was unaware of just how successful I had actually become. I could hide in plain sight without meaning to or really wanting to; I could hide from family and friends, all the while being "seen".

I decided 19 years was long enough. My life was not meant to be a game played but so much more. The process of coming out of my hiding place meant quite a lot of risk, in all actuality. It wasn't just a "get up, open the door and walk out." I must first take into consideration the simple light factor; take a breathe, let the eyes adjust and move forward. Then there is the vulnerability and openness; no longer encapsulated by walls, all "surroundings" are lost and un-comfortability sets in. The last thing - this means the end of the game.

"The End." How often we think that is all there is. We are so quick to forget that what follows "the end" is another beginning. We get so caught up in the losing that we forget the gain. The only reason fairytales end in "and the lived happily ever after..." is because the kids have to go to sleep sometime. The true end for me, would have been staying where I was. I had to be bigger than where I was. I had to accept that I could have stayed, and I would have gone through life being... fine. I would have "succeeded" in all definitions of the word - except for mine. I could have lived life as I was, but it wouldn't have been to my standard. I would have always wanted more and wondered "what if". That, to me, is the ultimate definition of 'unacceptable' and so, I stood up and walked on out of my oh so comfortable hiding place.

While I know that staying would have been easier, I know that this is better. I know that this is right. I know that this is true success.

To love and be loved

2011-11-09T00:01:00.001-05:00

They say the greatest gift in the world is to love and be loved. "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

The "to love" part, I get. Can't say I'm perfect at that part, but I understand it. I do love. I love life - usually; and I love those around me. I love those who have taken part in who I am today and have helped shape me into the woman I am now. There have been a lot of people in and out of my life. To say a hundred people have impacted me would be an understatement. I won't say that I remember ALL of them. But I remember a good majority.

I remember the young man who drew me a picture before I moved to VT.:) Thank you Gorge. While I'm sure you're not reading this I don't think I ever got a chance to tell you how much that meant to me. I still have it. It's hanging up on my bedroom wall. Every time I see it, I think of you and your kindness to a person you didn't know that well.

I remember Alexis in Colorado along with the many others I met in my three years there. I remember my old friend Katelyn and her parents' restaurant. "Why do you always ruin my husbands good food with soy sauce?!" Every time I grab a soy sauce packet, I think of you Diane.

There was Helen and Kathryn from my first go round in Tennessee. Let's not forget the long overdue Chelsea. She put up with me through most of my moving all over the place. Since I mentioned her I might as well mention Stephen. That goes back to preschool!

Then of course theres the most recent. There's the how many different Michaels I know?! There's the Daniels, because of course I know more than one. Now, I'm not going to mention EVERYONE. I think you get my point by now - as I've now forgotten mine.

Oh yes, to love. I understand. I do. Whether I like it or not I have a heart and I do use it. And it's been crushed more than once. It's the "and to be loved" that I always seem to struggle with. While I know that I am loved it seems to be much harder to receive than to give.

I found myself talking to my dad last week. He said "Have you ever loved someone and theres nothing you or they can do about it?" and all I could think was "On more than one occasion." Everyone I "once" loved, I still do. I think if it were any other way, it wouldn't really be love.

The receiving, to me, is much like that of someone calling another a hero. It's flattering yet awkward at the same time. Well ok, maybe this is only in my case. Growing up, no one ever taught me how to receive love. I saw it given. Monkey see, monkey do. I do as I was shown to do. While I'm trying change this for myself it is no easy task. That, I can tell you. However, I never have been one for the easy way. I always want a challenge. I guess someone forgot to mention that this time, the challenge would be to receive love; to receive it from myself and from others. Lately all my challenges seem to be with the "simple" things.

Game. On.

The Right.

2011-11-04T23:25:00.001-04:00

What's today about? The right.

Left or right? Right or wrong? Having the right? Which "right"? Regardless of my uncertainty, I held "the right" in front if me.

I went through my day with "the right" not knowing but at least thinking I was heading in "the right" direction. It wasn't until 8pm that I realized - it wasn't about right or wrong; it wasn't about having a right. It was about BEING right.

"You are "the right" and it took you all day to figure it out."

Yes, yes it did, and yet my figuring wasn't finished yet. I got home and went in my room to get some cleaning done. As I looked around at the clutter to see what I could organize next, I spotted the tiara on my hope chest from my 18th birthday.

"Put it on."

Hesitating, I start putting some stuff away still eyeing it. (Keep in mind, I've really only wore it once.)

"Just put the thing on."

So I opened it's plastic case and took the tiara out, went to my full length mirror and put it on my head.

"You are "the right"."

Looking away from mirror, my eyes began to water. You can tell me most anything and it doesn't phase me, but put a crown on my head and tears are right there to greet it. I continued to do what I had been, tiara and all.

The thing I once longed for became a mockery to me. It became the symbol of what I felt I could never become. It became a symbol of all that I could not achieve. Instead of seeing the beauty it resembled I saw the faults of myself. Instead of seeing "the right" I saw the wrong all along.

"Are you getting used to it yet?"

"A little..."

"You can take it off now."

"I'll leave it on...."

That, was the right answer. It was the right answer to a statement. It was the right answer to the hidden, unasked question. It was right because I was right; because I am right; because I am "the right". It's my job now to see the right in who, what, and where; in and outside of my circumstances. It is my job to be "the right" no matter what. I have two words for you:

Challenge. Accepted.

Possibility

2011-11-03T21:21:00.001-04:00

"it's what doesn't exist yet that will always win."

Why? Because of the possibility.
Just because something doesn't exist in your reality doesn't mean that it does not exist.

I have often wondered what is real and what is not. To some people that may categorize me as crazy, but I would say I'm just open minded. I believe there is more to this life than what we can see.

It took me a long time to have the ability to believe. I know that may seem like a dumb statement as we are all born with ability; ability to do what we want.

Growing up, I quickly learned there was nothing to believe in. I KNEW things. I knew there was a god. Did I believe in Him? Not particularly. I knew that humanity COULD do the right thing? Did I believe in humanity? Nope. And I still don't. I believe in Him being expressed through humanity. How? Possibility.

Why are people afraid of the dark? The possibilities of what's there. Until just recently I thought that people were afraid of the dark because of the unknown; in truth I think it's the unknown possibilities. There could be nothing, there could be a serial killer, maybe your significant other, the possibilities are endless.

When you're in high school the question you get asked the most: what do you want to do?
The reason that's such a difficult question? There are so many possibilities.

Possibilities seem to trap us and set us free at the same time. Since we don't truly know what we really want, too many possibilities get us stuck and not enough is just no fun.

Possibilities have the ability to be whatever you make them, just as your day has the ability to be whatever you make of it. Growing up our parents tell us we can be anything we want, yet the world tells us otherwise. I'm telling you, you have the ABILITY to do and be who and what you want to do and be. What you do with that ability is up to you.

Anew

2011-11-01T21:33:00.001-04:00

A new month, a new time, a new day. Let's come at life anew. I so often see (and honestly, quite frequently have myself) the perspective of "It's just another day." While in part, this is true it is so much more than that. It is another day, but it is another day you have to explore. It's another day you have to enjoy and live. It's another day you have to decide what you will do with it. If you so choose to make it JUST another day, that is exactly what you will end up with - just another day.

If I live till I'm 80, that gives me 29,200 days here on this earth. I don't want 29,199 "just another day"s. I don't think anyone does. So why do we allow ourselves to live that way? Why do we settle for "just" when we could have extraordinary?

We are responsible for our everyday. We can't control our surroundings or circumstances. Life happens. That's known. So if we go into everyday knowing that "life" happens why do we allow it to get to us? Shouldn't we already be fairly prepared for it then? Everyday we wake up to life, so yes, life does and will happen - for as long as you live for that matter. What will you do with life is now the question?

When life hands you lemons will you make lemonade, Mikes Hard, or squirt yourself in the eyes? No one can control what you do with what life hands you except for you. So let's live this life anew everyday and see what you can do for handy work.:)

Break what I can.

2011-10-31T23:49:00.001-04:00

As it's my parents anniversary, I came home from work today and thought "I'll do some cleaning to help them out." Check the sink, clean the dirty dishes - step one done.

Onto the bathroom. I have now wiped down part of the shower and decide to turn on the shower to help aid the rinsing of cleaning products. EASY! Until... I begin playing around with one of the shower heads to angle it better for said rinsing. SNAP! :( There goes the one of the shower heads. Oh, but even better there is still cleaning residue in the shower. Well, I'll be.

I look at the shower head and assess its brokenness. Yup, as I thought. It's broke, broken. So, I text my dad to let him know. Continuing on my way I finish rinsing the residue and move to the toilet. Get some spray, take the toilet brush, let's go! I'm using the toilet brush and scrubbing. All of a sudden what do you suppose I hear? CRACK! Ugh, there goes the handle....

With the shower head already in the sink I toss in the now broken toilet brush as well, snap a picture with my phone and off to my dad it goes. At this point, I cannot help but laugh. The "oh crap" feeling has left my body and mind allowing "I can't believe this." to set in. Laughing to myself I think "what's next?" And my dad wonders the same thing. I inform him that I will let him know when it happens.

After fixing my previous breakings, I go to turn on our electric water heater (basically an electric kettle). But to my dismay, the button was already pushed down and the light isn't on. Well, that's odd... So I flick the button up and back down. Still nothing. Damn, not again... I open the top and sniff. Smells like something is burning. Yup, another thing is broken.

"Dad, just so ya know, this is broke too." Three things broken. One day. Well, that was successful.

My perspective started as "You have got to be kidding me." and ended with the same statement. The first far worse than the last. The more it happened the more it became like a joke to me. I wasn't trying to break anything, but if it's breakable I guess the best thing is for it to be broke. And that's just what I did. So yes, my day was successful. How was yours?

My favorite side?

2011-10-25T23:07:00.001-04:00

"What's your favorite side of yourself?"

"My rugby side." I answer quickly but softly.

"Why?"

"Because... That side is the side that runs off the pain. It tackles off the anger. It "shows" the strength that the other sides don't. It's the most rugged, roughest side." As I say these words I realize it's not necessarily a good thing. Depending on what perspective you have, it could also be the most hurtful side. It could be the scariest; the most intimidating.

I think about the people at work, people I know from rugby, and from school. I start wondering who knew what side of me. Who knew multiple sides?

Let's start with work - the overall happy but a little frazzled and usually overwhelmed Paige.

Rugby - we already addressed so I'll spare you this time.:)

School - the artsy, creative "I'm on a mission" Paige.

Home - I usually don't wanna talk about it. Whatever that IT may be. I have bigger concerns.

You get the picture. Up until today, if somebody had asked me "where would you like me to see you?" I would have said the rugby field. Now, I'm not so sure. I don't see this uncertainty as insecurity. I see it as a reevaluation. Reevaluations are good.