A paper that knoweth not the bounds of ink and press

XXI- The Dark Night Rises Shooting

2012-07-20T14:43:00.004-07:00

Saddened by yet another mass shooting. It's not hard to imagine yourself in the situation going about your normal day and next thing you know you are in immediate danger, unprepared. The sentiment I share the most is from Adam Carolla: that I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often. You have x number of people willing to do it and the availability of everything needed to execute it. The only thing stopping it is the determination of that person.

How much planning involved varies on the individual. You can have someone spur of the moment walk into a coffee shop (such as in Seattle, a few weeks back), the AZ shooting in front of a Safeway, to this most recent event, or Virginia Tech, or in Norway. (I think the most frightening to me still is the D.C. sniper attacks). After its happened so many times, however infrequent, I can't say I'm surprised or taken aback anymore.

XX- Zuck Zuck Zuck

2012-05-22T18:02:00.000-07:00

Mark Zuckerberg and myself have a lot in common. When we are not dodging the efforts or a evil twin tandem, we're watching our networth fluctuate in the billions.

XIX- Ping Pong Ball

2011-07-18T15:21:00.000-07:00

A Ping Pong ball filled with Tungsten would weigh approximately 1.42 lbs. This is going to be the least, and yet most important thing you will hear all day. Also, while this is not the heaviest element on earth, it is just slightly lighter then uranium (more on uranium later). The last few weeks I have become somewhat obsessed with the the density of things...

Gravity
Gravity is an important force, bro. You may remember from your high school math or science class that everything has a terminal velocity. This concept is 99% of the time thought of something falling through air, a gas. Or more specifically, a mixture of gases. If you threw a pillow, a dart, and yourself out of an airplane, you would reach the earth at different times. With different consequences. The maximum speed you would reach from gravity alone (as opposed to being shot out of a canon, towards the ground) is your terminal velocity. Or, more eloquently put:

"A free-falling object achieves its terminal velocity when the downward force of gravity (F_g) equals the upward force of drag (F_d). This causes the net force on the object to be zero, resulting in an acceleration of zero.^[1]"-

"Higher speeds can be attained if the skydiver pulls in his or her limbs (see also freeflying). In this case, the terminal velocity increases to about 320 km/h (200 mph or 90 m/s),^[2] which is almost the terminal velocity of the Peregrine Falcon diving down on its prey.; The same terminal velocity is reached for a typical .30-06 bullet travelling in the downward vertical direction — when it is returning to earth having been fired upwards, or perhaps just dropped from a tower — according to a 1920 U.S. Army Ordnance study.^[3]"

"The reason an object reaches a terminal velocity is that the drag force resisting motion is approximately proportional to the square of its speed. At low speeds, the drag is much less than the gravitational force and so the object accelerates. As it accelerates, the drag increases, until it equals the weight. Drag also depends on the projected area. This is why objects with a large projected area relative to mass, such as parachutes, have a lower terminal velocity than objects with a small projected area relative to mass, such as bullets."
-Wikipedia

Let's Fall
In the beginning of that Wikipedia article, it mentions terminal velocity is a property of fluid dynamics. Not only does something falling through air have a terminal velocity, the same is true for liquid (i.e. water). A sinking ship, a lead weight, or a dolphin corpse. OK, hopefully you are intrigued with all the talk about falling objects, but probably don't know where this is going. Well, recently there was a study in Mexico and Cuba that showed objects travelling threw a granular medium (i.e. sand, ball pit, polystyrene beads) could reach a terminal velocity. This is important because it has not even been publicly theorized before. If anyone has watched Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman, that is impressive in it's own right.

The link is below for the Pop-Sci article, and it really caught my attention. The researchers dropped (or more accurately, shot) different weighted ping-pong balls into the polystyrene (i.e. foam) beads and observed them to reach a terminal velocity. Imagine jumping into a ball pit and falling forever, or dropping something on a sandy beach and have it sink beyond reach.

Heavy Metal
In that test, the researchers modified the density of the balls by filling them with steel particles/ dust. Their heaviest ping pong ball, at 182 grams, was still less than 1/2 a pound. By doing more math then I should be logically be doing in my normal life, I calculated that the ball should be closer to 9+ ounces if filled with solid steel or iron. This means that the some density has been lost due to the granular nature of their product, and probably completely topped off with the steel particles.

Why is this important? In the physorg.com original article, they mention a ping pong ball would have to weigh approx. 31 pounds to travel endlessly through sand. Well, that stat sparked my interest for this entire blog post. Inside my head " Wow, 31 lbs. How much steel would have to be in it? I don't think that would work. They just did the test with steel. Steel is really heavy. Is there anything heavier than steel? google.com"

At that point, I came head on with my wrong assumptions:

#1 a 31 lb. ping pong ball is possible
#2 Steel is really heavy

This search lead me to a few very interesting websites, and some strong realizations. Refer back to my 1st sentence about a Tungsten ping pong ball. I calculated this to weigh a little more than 1.42 lbs, or about 23 ounces. That is about 2-1/2 times the weight, or density of steel! Tungsten is pretty much the heaviest metal we have hear on earth that is safe to handle. There are a few substances that are only marginally heavier, such as Uranium. So, it's safe to say the 31 lb. ping pong ball isn't happening anytime soon.

On a side note, a Tungsten ping pong ball would be fun to toss to your friends if you like giving them stress fractures or hideous bruises. Also, I would like to start a gym called Tungsten where all the weights are: you guessed it, Tungsten. I think it would be cool to have 45 lb. plates about 25% smaller than other gym's 25 pounder's. I'm sure the cost would be astronomical.

Depleted Uranium
I recently did some light reading on Depleted Uranium (DU) shells, and it fit right into this whole conversation. The difference between DU Uranium and Enriched Uranium- EU can be used for nuclear fission. I found a great article on the Santa Clara University website, linked below. The concept behind a DU shell is the same reason a "bullet proof" vest does not stop a sharp knife. You want a concentrated force to penetrate the armor, instead of being dispersed. For comparison, DU is 68.4% more dense than lead. These heavy shells are very dangerous and strongly linked to radiation poisoning ("Gulf War Syndrome"). DU shells also offer some different benefits compared to other advanced ammunition, as stated in the article. Research into using these DU and Tungsten slugs started in the 1970's. DU is also used for advanced armor. It's amazing how the military will gravitate towards a material because of it's low cost, despite being potentially poisonous to your own troops. And it's density.

120 mm Tank Ammunition

"The use of DU in munitions is controversial because of questions about potential long-term health effects.^[5]^[6] Normal functioning of the kidney, brain, liver, heart, and numerous other systems can be affected by uranium exposure, because uranium is a toxic metal.^[7] It is weakly radioactive and remains so because of its long physical half-life (4.468 billion years for uranium-238, 700 million years for uranium-235). The biological half-life (the average time it takes for the human body to eliminate half the amount in the body) for uranium is about 15 days.^[8] The aerosol or spallation frangible powder produced during impact and combustion of depleted uranium munitions can potentially contaminate wide areas around the impact sites leading to possible inhalation by human beings" - Wikipedia

Phys Org Article (original)

Terminal Velocity Through granular medium (Popular Science)

Volume of a Ping Pong Ball

DU Ammunition- SCU

XVIII- How to Sleep like you were poisoned

2011-06-10T13:43:00.000-07:00

Greetings loyal Apprisal readers! I know I have not posted in a while, but I had to break down what has happened over the last 12 hours or so. I'm talking about sleep, son!!!

Don't worry, the blog is still getting plenty of hits, which reminds me....
Alison Rosen Adam Carolla Bald Brian Daves of Thunder DOT BTL Delicious Pancakes In my mouth

Sleep

Like a lot of people in their early to mid 20's, sleep is a love hate relationship. I like staying up late and hate getting up in the morning. It's a constant battle to go to bed on time. Despite this, I have pretty good sleeping habits (except when I pass out at my neighbor's place, on their floor, when I have my bed about 150 yards away). I usually go to bed around 11:15 to 11:30, with my alarm going off at 7 a.m.

Everyone has their own particulars for an environment they can sleep in. I have a friend of mine that would play loud music on his computer and pass out no problem. Now banging. Linkin Park and Eminem in my room is not what I like to do, so....

The Official List of Ideal Sleep Conditions
Temperature- Slightly on the "Cool" side. If I had to guess, between 63-67 degrees.
Humidity- As little humidity as possible

Sound- As little sound as possible

Light- As little light as possible.

Smell- As little smell as possible.

Covers- Light, clean sheet and comforter.

Pillows- Standard issue, slightly to moderately broken in.

Bed- Breathable, firmer material. Twin XL, Queen, or larger for length.

Like a Utopian society, it is hard to reach all of these conditions, but it doesn't hurt to strive for. It's hard to control all of these factors, such as when my window is open. Apparently, the intersection I live by occasionally turns into Need for Speed: Underground 2.

The Set-up

Last night was the first night I used my air conditioning unit all spring/summer. I usually have it run to cool my room just a tad, but mainly to utilize it's ability to remove humidity. I rarely need to have it run all night, so I had it run for the typical two hours or so on timer, just long enough to get me to sleep. It does make some noise as it kicks on and off as it maintains temperature, but the comfort benefit greatly outweighs the noise.

Well, I slept like a rock last night. I slept so hard that I slept straight through my alarm. I felt like I had taken a bunch of Advil or NyQuil right before bed. Even with those products, I still would have woken up to my alarm! I was actually worried that maybe my A/C had a leak and I got like freon poisoning or something. I found out that Freon is non-toxic, thanks Google. THAT'S A NIGHT OF SLEEP!

The A/C benefits my sleep greatly, but I had never woken up that groggy, through my moderately loud alarm, and thought that I had been drugged and/or poisoned during the night.

The Culprit
So, after ruling out the poisonous A/C unit, I reviewed what I had consumed before bed.

About a month ago, I decided to make Gin Rickey's for the first time. A Gin Rickey consists of: Gin, Ice, Club Soda, and fresh squeezed Lime. I have since adapted to drink just the same thing minus the Gin, as it is a very refreshing and healthy drink. I will be consuming more and more of these as the temperature goes up during the summer.

Gin Rickey

Enter Sandman

Well, last time I went to Safeway, that had some real b-stock limes: off color, small, and not even on sale. Instead, that had some giant lemons on sale, 2 for $1. I deducted that they must be in season, and I could make the same drink with Lemon instead. I had the first Lemon drinks on Sunday, during the late afternoon. I slept well that night, but nothing out of the ordinary (out of the ordinary i.e. drugged/poisoned). Last night, I did the same thing, except much closer to bed time. I usually make two drinks, half the fruit in each, and finished the second one around 11pm.

Consult your doctor before consuming

Turns out, Lemon is sort of a homeopathic sleep aid, among other things. A Hot Toddy, for example, contains lemon, as well as many teas, etc. designed to help you get over being sick faster and help you sleep. I haven't seen anything promoting the "knocked-out" experience that I had, but seems to be enough evidence to say this is what did me in. I hope now that I have come forward, others will as well with their extreme lemon sleep.

Recipe: The Big Sleep

(The Big Sleep is a euphemism for death)

Throw 5 or 6 big ice cubes into a pint(16oz.) glass

Squeeze half a large fresh lemon into the glass. I prefer to puncture the lemon several times with a fork to facilitate the juicin'.

Top the glass off with club soda, or water. See you in 16 hours!!!

Warning: Consumption may result in large losses in time

Articles

"In case of insomnia, raw lemon juice helps to improve sleep."

http://www.ehow.com/how_6857990_do-use-lemon-cure-snoring_.html

http://healthmad.com/nutrition/lemon-juice-offers-surprising-benefits-you-want-to-enjoy/

http://goneraw.com/forum/drinking-lemon-juice-sleep-and-waking

XVII- War. Dogs.

2011-05-16T14:43:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to talk about war dogs in the blog, until a new article popped up that expressed the same fan boy-spirit I had for them. War dog's, also called Military Work Dog or MWD's, recently got highlighted all over the news because of the helicopter raid on Bin Laden's complex, which utilized at least one dog.

And, oh yeah...I SAW THIS PICTURE

! ! ! ! !

You can read the article at Fast Company, everything is bad-ass about the article including the title:

"The Bullet Proof Dog That Stormed Bin Laden's Lair"

I originally expressed my interest in war dogs watching Diane Sawyer gloss over all the expensive items these dogs get tricked out with. I started thinking about how police dogs are trained to take down attackers by biting them, and I imagined if their mouth had some teeth, similar to a bear trap. Sure enough, these dogs get missing teeth replaced with titanium (although not as awesome as my bear trap concept). Teeth, according to D-Soy, that are broken during training. Titanium is named after the Titans from Greek Mythology,

Official Apprisal List of Animals you do not want to get bit by

4. Cobra, etc.

3. Any type of a gator, boy! ROLL TIDE

2. shark, killer whale, etc.

1. Dog that is trained to kill with it's teeth, is so ferocious that it breaks it's teeth during training, and has it's teeth replaced with titanium. Bite strength: 700 lbs/ sq.in.

German Shepherd Puppy

The thing I most like about involving dogs in combat, that it's kind of a retro concept. People used to utilize animals in combat all the time, horses, elephants, etc. and moved away with the advancement in technology. Now, these advancements allow these animals to get re-introduced into combat. Lucky them! Seriously though, pretty soon it's going to be like a sci-fi novel or something similar, with Chewbacca's running around with laser guns.

Special Made Vest for Dogs: $20,000 - $30,000

XVI- John Demjanjuk (talk about a bad day)

2011-05-12T10:32:00.000-07:00

I was reading the news today, and had to talk about this story of John Demjanjuk. Today, he has been sentenced to 5 years in prison...for Nazi war crimes.

John D. is 91 years old. I imagine the prosecution went something like this:
"Do you remember where you were in 1943?"
"That was 68 years ago. so no"

They have numerous articles that have been linked to him being there, so odds are he is guilty as charged. He maintains his innocence despite this evidence. Although, the only reason he was regarded as a Nazi is because he was a prisoner of war. It was common for POW's to be forced into service for Germany in WWII. Unless...you were Jewish. So here we are, almost 70 years later, prosecuting a man who is 91 years old.

Some things that stuck out from reading about this crazy event:

"As survivors and defendants have aged and died, the prosecution of Nazi-era war criminals has become increasingly difficult because, 66 years after the end of World War II, few potential witnesses are still alive."New York Times. I imagine.
He's been deported from the USA. Twice
He is a retired US auto worker, meaning if you own an American car 30-40 years old, there is an outside chance it was part built by a Nazi.
He was sentenced to death in 1988 in Israel, but was pardoned when they discovered they mistook him for a different Nazi.
They had to make special arrangements for him because of his old age and health conditions.

Should John Demjanjuk be prosecuted?

The UK's First Post has a good article here

"But his accusers have maintained that between March and September 1943, he was a guard at the Polish Sobibor death camp. This was a relatively common way for Soviet prisoners to avoid being one of the three million Russian soldiers who starved to death in camps. Demjanjuk later testified, "I would have given my soul for a loaf of bread."

XV- Rich Man, Poor Man

2011-05-10T11:59:00.000-07:00

Rich Man, Poor Man

Happy Special Tuesday Edition, everyone!

Dave Dameshek Daves of Thunder DOT BTL end cancelled Pancake Recipe Get Rich Quick Free Xbox

As you have hopefully figured out by now, I am a big fan of Adam Carolla. He is doing a show at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall in Portland on Saturday, May 14th. However, I will be out of town at a concert in Sea-Town, wasssup, Seattle, Jump on it! Jump on it! Jump on it! Also, tickets to his show are quite a bit more than other comedy acts I have been to. The neighborhood of $50 is a little much for a 90 minute show. I will probably check him out next time, if he is at a less prestigious venue (my living room, perhaps?)

THE MAN with new funny girl Alison Rosen

The Schnitz'

The Actual Article
I wanted to highlight a concept that Adam came up with a lone time ago. I was first introduced to Adam Carolla listening to loveline as a kid. Not really "content a 13 year old should be listening to", but my main attraction was the humor that he brought to the show. I imagine the majority of people's only familiarity with him is from The Man Show, which is like the only time eating chocolate is when it was on rotten fruit. I then followed him onto his morning show that was cancelled (I believe 2008?) despite it's popularity. As I'm sure I mentioned before, he now has his own podcast company, and the #1 podcast in the US (2nd in the world to Ricky Gervais' podcast, currently trying overtake him in the next week or two).

Ever since I can remember he has periodically talked about "Rich Man, Poor Man". This points out similarities between the poorest in our society and the richest in our society, which passes the middle 80-90% of society. It is one of my favorite things because of the hilarious and true analogies

assembled from fan submissions, Twitter (#richmanpoorman) and actual Adam Carolla, Bald Brian, etc. examples

Really Long Driveways
Rich people have those really long driveways that end in a circle, and poor people have long driveways that end in trailers
Make Your Own Alcohol
Rich people own wineries and do extensive home brewing while poor people make toilet wine and moonshine
Owning Lots of animals
Owning a bunch of Chihuahuas vs. a bunch of feral cats
Living in multiple houses a year
Couch surfing, getting evicted compared to vacationing in France, downtown penthouses
Their house has a lot of wood paneling
Rich people have hand carved mahogany panels, libraries, etc. Poor people have fake paneling from the 70's

They spend a lot of time in a bath robe

Playing guitar in front of people for money

Eating the exotic parts off of animals

From 2006 log of the ACS Show

"6:07 RICH MAN, POOR MAN

Adam plays a spirited round of Rich Man, Poor Man.

One thing the middle class seems to be brainwashed with, Adam says, is that second hand smoke is a first class killer. Rich people will smoke in the house, and even have a smoking room. Poor people just don’t care.
Dave brings up another thing that is just a middle class thing. The middle class will tell you, “Oh, my wife runs this house.” The rich don’t ever see their wife, and the poor just beat the hell out of their wife.

A listener calls in. The Harley-Davidson, he says. The rich man will of course have a nice motorcycle to play around with, and the poor man will just be a white trash biker dude. The middle class guy isn’t allowed to have a motorcycle.

James proffers “eviction notices.” The rich man gets to hand out eviction notices, and the poor man gets them. Interesting, Adam says. The middle class rarely deals with eviction notices.

Chris brings up taxidermy. The nice rich guy has a big marlin on his wall that he caught on some fishing trip. The poor guy has a jackalope.

Marcus calls in with “fishing.” Rich people do it for fun and sport, and poor people sometimes do it just to catch some food to cook up and eat.

Darren points out that neither rich guys nor poor guys will clean up after themselves. Agreed, Adam says. Rich guys feel entitled to be cleaned up after, and poor guys just don’t care."
-The Official Adam Carolla Show Blog

XIV- Trend Hopping

2011-04-25T15:02:00.000-07:00

1st of all, happy Monday to everyone. All 3 of you who read my blog. If you got here looking for the Daves of Thunder post, scroll down and look over to the right. I decided to start today's edition of The Apprisal with the famous scene from Billy Madison for two main reasons:

1. To remind people that Adam Sandler used to be funny

2. To illustrate that most people are sheep.

What is Trend Hopping

I would classify trend hopping as jumping on the band wagon of some cultural trend, regardless of your actual interest in said trend. I'm not in the business of telling people how to live their life (Yet...more information to follow), but the point of this post isn't to ridicule these people. It's to help these people. By making fun of them.

As a point of disclosure, I'm sure everyone has had an interest or hobby as a younger person, and now upon reflecting back can laugh at what they were into. During Jr. High/ High School, I listened to a lot of metal/ hard rock music. While I still enjoy the majority of this modern metal, etc., there are some Cd's that aren't worth the material they are printed on. For an example, I present 18 Visions (18 Visions are great for their nonsensical approach to song structure and horrible lyrics/singing). I own worse Cd's then this, if you can believe it.

The Problem with Trend Hopping

The main problem with trend hopping is you are revolving your interest around a trend, i.e. a fad, because of the popularity or perceived "coolness" of the fad. That is all fine and dandy, but what happens when this trend, like the dodo bird, goes away? A person who has set this precedent of trying to associate with whatever is the latest & greatest, is forced into another trend. A great example of this are celebrities. They are easily dated by their appearances. Think of what was popular in the 80's- feathered hair, gaudy color combinations, nylon pants, etc. I think it's ironic that fashion shows are trying to sell clothing by designing stuff that is so weird no one would ever wear it. Is there something I'm missing here?

Examples of "Dead" Trends

Jnco Jeans

I could write a whole post on Jnco Jeans. Absolutely horrible. I like to buy jeans that have a nice "boot cut", etc. so the jean fits around my shoe. I think the actual measurement is typically 18-20" in circumference. I'm not sure the point of jeans that have a 30"+ opening at the bottom, unless you A. want to look like a Jawa from Star Wars IV, or B. have elephant-man feet. Not to mention the standard patch that looked like it came out of a cereal box.

Personal Story Time-When I lived in California, I saw someone in the local mall wearing

-Jnco Jeans, standard issue HUGE

-a large,white plastic chain fashioned into a belt and wallet chain

-Stuffed Teletubbies clipped to the chain and dangling off of it.

The image is going to stay with me to the grave.

Jawa's after they shocked R2D2 in Episode IV

Yo-Yo's

I remember when Yo-Yo's were making a comeback in the 90's. A god damn yo-yo. People wonder why America is slipping behind other countries in terms of innovation, etc. It's because full grown adults were learning how to "walk the dog", and customizing the counter-balances in their yo-yo's instead of something productive.

Livestrong Bracelets

These bracelet/bands were all the rage a few years ago. I understand they helped raise a lot of money for cancer research, etc. But it's a little dystopian to see the majority of the populous wearing identical yellow bands everywhere they go.

Affliction T-Shirts

-I'm not sure how this trend got started, maybe from the MMA crowd. I don't think it was ever a good idea to have a look that was reminiscent of a Bedazzler, mixed in with Gothic symbols including skulls and gargoyles

Current "Trends"

Jersey Shore

I was entertained during the first season or so of Jersey Shore, but there is almost nothing on TV that is more repetitive. There is a big, thick line that many people cross. That line divides "Hey this show is funny, all they do is get drunk and fight" and "Hey this show is awesome, these people are awesome. I'm going to dress like them and say their phrases all the time!" I can't wait for a few years to go by, I know more than a few people will be trying to destroy any record of this time frame. What are we on, Season 3? Most shows don't make it 5 seasons, and they are already doing a spin off. MTV already screwed up enough culture with the TRL era, etc.

(Personal Note- It's a bad thing that I am going to a particular person's page to get more ideas of current, soon-to-be-dead trends to finish this post)

Dubstep

My problem isn't with actual dubstep music, but pretty much everything else surrounding it. This is going to burn out real soon, as far as a trend anyways. Right now, Dubstep has turned into a trend similar to previous music genre's, such as punk. Think about punk music. Think about people who listen to punk music. D-bags. A bunch of idiots should have popped into your head. However, a lot of punk music is very good but it is overshadowed by they bumbling simpletons who eventually ruin the genre so much you wouldn't want to say you listen to it for fear of association. As I mentioned in a previous post, I listen to a lot of different genres, which includes a lot of electronic music. Anything electronic that is edgy and might borrow some cadences here and there is now grouped in the "dupstep category", which is inaccurate and has turned it into a trend.

Just Google for dubstep images, or read the comments on some YouTube videos. "OMG THIS MELTED MY FACE OFF, DUBSTEP IS THE BEST" "Jesus died for our sins, and so we could enjoy dubstep"

People who are overexcited about anything, is usually a turnoff for me. Which is unfortunate. So everybody-chill out before you kill something people might enjoy!

P.S. I don't remember people walking around in the 70's with shirts that say "I LOVE GUITARS" "ROCK N' MOTHERF---ING ROLL" and "I LOVE BRITISH INVASION". chill out, everyone needs to chill out. Stop drinking 5 Hour Energies all the time.

P.P.S. I just came came up with an idea. It's going to a huge speaker cabinet, a person biting the head off a bird, and in big text "LISTEN TO BRITISH INVASION" on a black shirt. Don't steal my idea.

XIII- The President Gets Paid Money???

2011-04-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

The President Gets Paid Money??? AKA Facebook Politics

I get paid roughly the NFL minimum to lead the free world

I'm sure most people have seen posts recently similar to this:

Salary of the US President = $400,000.
Salary of retired US Presidents = $180,000.
Salary of House/Senate = $174,000.
Salary of Speaker of House = $223,500.
Salary of Majority/Minority Leaders = $193,400.
......Average US Salary = $33,000 - $77,000
HELLO!!! I think we found where the cuts should be made!!
If you agree….REPOST!!!!

I am now going to rip this apart

This is an example of people re-posting something that seems to make sense, instead of doing critical thinking of any issues. Facebook politics are the worst. There are so many things wrong with this post, let alone this it is mixed in to a social forum where most posts consist of:
A. The weather B. What you just ate C. What you are doing this weekend D. Other (less then 10%)

Let's start with the math
Salary of the US President = $400,000.

Barack Obama gets $400,000.00 a year, for probably the worst job in America. CEO's of companies you have never heard of probably make more than $400,000/year. You don't even have to be the top dog at a a Large company, many CFO's, COO's, VP's of large companies make much more than 400k. I don't know any other job where you are seen as responsible for 300 million people, get blamed for everything going wrong in an entire country, and get slandered on national television 24/7, not to mention the complete lack of privacy or constant scrutiny about where you were born. For your entire term.

Total for president: $400,000.00

Salary of retired US Presidents = $180,000.

There are currently 4 U.S presidents still alive,
George Bush Jr. (2 terms)
Bill Clinton (2 terms)
George Bush Sr. (1 term)
Jimmy Carter (1 term) (barely)

I don't know about you, but this sounds like OK money. I don't really want ex-presidents, who should be held among the most distinguished in our society, living in high rise apartment buildings and bagging groceries to get benefits. Just because they are "retired", doesn't mean they don't do anything. Typically they lead lives that involve copious amounts of civic duty, give speeches, and generally try to promote "world peace".

Total for retired presidents: $720,000.00

Salary of House/Senate = $174,000.00

100 Senators (2 per state)
435 members of the House of Representatives (distributed to states based upon population)

Members of the Senate and House are appointed by each state to represent the citizens that have elected them. This includes voicing opinion, proposing/ supporting measures etc. in best interest of their constituents. If you want to cut the salary of people who are responsible for representing your state and interests fairly, be my guest. They are similar to a real estate agent of sorts, except that they don't make as much as top real estates.

Total for Senate AND House: $93,090,000.00
(535 members, representing 50 States/ 307+ million people)

Salary of Speaker of House = $223,500.00
This is a member of the House of representatives accounted for already, so he (John Boehner) gets paid for the additional responsibility, similar to a shift lead at McDonald's.

Total for Speaker of the house: $49,500.00 (additional)

Salary of Majority/Minority Leaders = $193,400.00

Majority/ Minority Leaders of the Senate : Harry Reid/ Mitch McConnell
Majority/ Minority Leaders of the House: Eric Cantor/ Nancy Pelosi

Same deal as the Speaker of the House, these positions are compensated based on the increased responsibility. Generally, this is how jobs work in America.

Total for Majority/ Minority Leaders of the House/Senate: $185,600.00 (additional)

This brings our grand total to: $94,445,100.00

*Please note little to none fact checking was done for these salaries, simply taken straight across from the Facebook re-post in circulation.

Now I know what you are thinking. "OMG the President of the United States gets paid more than me? UNFAIR." Well, let's say you cut everyone of the aforementioned people's salaries in half. Forgot the part that if this was a business, and the CEO called up all the managers and said cut every one's pay in half, their would be strikes, walkouts, and would destroy the business. Forget that part.

That would equal a savings of ....$47.2 Million. For comparison, that would be equivalent to:

.0067% of the roughly $700 Billion dollars a year for defense spending. (Which is typically 10 times what the next highest NATO country spends on defense) Source: The Washington Post

Or, about 1/3 a modern Jet (F-22: $150 million, F-35 $156 Million)
Older Style jets, such as the Boeing Harrier II introduced in 1985, run a measly $35 million.

Enjoy your recession, PEW PEW PEW PEW

From CNN, 4/13/11:
"By virtually every measure, U.S. military spending, which rose 2.8%, leaves every other nation in the dust. The $698 billion it spent accounted for 43% of all the military spending in the world and was six times the amount expended by the No. 2 country, China. Military spending amounted to 4.8% of U.S. gross domestic product, compared to the world average of 2.6%."

Conclusion

So obviously, I am suggesting we need to cool it on the defense/ military spending instead of trying to vilify the people we vote into office and compensate fairly to represent our interests. Maybe. I decided to use jets as just an example, $150 million/ a jet doesn't even begin to scrape the surface. Most of those programs cost $50 billion and up just to get off the ground. Have you seen the new laser ray gun the military is trying out? I'm guessing that isn't cheap. Insanely deadly and scary, but not cheap. But still pretty cool.

What's interesting to me is how the Vice President escape this repost trend? That's right, I'm coming after you Joe Biden! After all, according to Wikipedia he makes $230,000/ year. If anyone gets paid too much, it's that guy. He's basically an intern, just moping around the white house saying "You're right, Barack!" , "What do you think, Barack?" and "GO GET 'EM". We're going to pay a guy a quarter mil to sit around, praying that the president takes a bullet? I've been trying to keep personal attacks/ taking political sides in this article, but I got a biiig problem with Joe Biden. This guy is one heartbeat away from being the leader of the free world and this guy drinks non-alcoholic beer. Puhhhhhhhh.

I had to share this picture of another vice president:

Caption from Wikipedia: "John C. Calhoun was the first Vice President to resign from office." Thank God. This guy looks like pure insanity. And he has 12 year old girl hands.

Later, Alligators!!!

Sharing is Caring

NEW MOUTH'S CRADLE EP! Released 4/13 (aka yesterday). 5 tracks, using clips from http://www.everythingisterrible.com/, a video website of the weirdest videos on the web.

"Why is everyone obeying???" "Do the vegeboogie"
Download HERE

XII- Mouth's Cradle

2011-04-11T15:46:00.000-07:00

Free mix tape recently released, but currently unavailable for download :( sad face

I decided to devote a new music post to a duo called Mouth's Cradle, because I really enjoy their music and they are definitely the "smallest" group/duo I listen to. How I heard of them is convoluted which I will explain below. As I mentioned in the previous music post, I am interested in how people hear of different artists and delve into different genres. If you share the same interest, you are in luck. If not, go pound sand!

I was sitting on a boat
floating down the Mis'sippi
down to New Orleans
where the girls are so pretty
got my glasses I'm out the door
I'm gonna hit this city
and on the radio all I heard
was "a milli, a milli"
so I got out a notebook
and wrote a rhyme of my own
I sang it over synthesizers
and a dial tone
but I was too scared to see if the people
liked it or not
so you know I missed out
on when that opportunity knocked
- "Opportunity Knocks"
How I heard of Mouth's Cradle

I am a fairly active YouTube user, as I am sure a lot of people who have computers and Internet are. It is a great way to learn about different topics and check out some videos from people who share the same interests. I started checking out Modern Warfare 2 videos by a guy who goes by the name "Hutch". For those unfamiliar with the gaming YouTube family, Hutch now gets paid to play and comment on video games by the company Machinima. Hutch's personal channel is shaun0728. (For the record, my favorite YouTube gamer is seananners). At some point Hutch re-posted a video from a user name joehands0me. Joe is a video editor, and would take game play video from Modern Warfare 1 and edit it to music in a music video style which was amazing. The video that really pulled me in is Double Dare:

At this point I was like "this is awesome, SUBSCRIBBBBEEEE". Joe also, however, does a lot of projects not involving video games. Surprising, I know. After following him for a short period of time, he released a live action music video for Mouth's Cradle's "Demon", and the rest is history. It's funny that I just realised this video was posted about 9 months ago, which feels weird because of the amount I have listened to Mouth's Cradle.

The Band

Mouth's Cradle consists of two members, Mouf and Master Rodgers. It's safe to assume these are their stage names. They incorporate many different sounds and genres in a great blend, with clever and contemporary lyrics. They can pull off simpler/softer tracks, while maintaining an edge. What has really impressed me about Mouth's Cradle is the high production value of their tracks, and the great vocals. They write some pretty catchy choruses, as well as blend into some up-tempo raps. One of my favorite songs, New York Border, starts out:

crash my Maserati
too much gin and toddy
put my mask on like somebody stop me

but the coppers got me
put me in a padded cell
kind of like a players club for those who used to have it well

- "New York Border"

MC goes to Syracuse University (or least Moufy does), and seem to stay fairly local to the Northeast as far as shows go. Understandably. I would love to see these guys in person, but I don't see them coming to the Ory-gun anytime soon. On the bright side, new material is in the works. I am stoked. Their YouTube channel has a wide selection of the majority of their published tracks.

Recently, to promote the new music to be soon released, they have been "MC'ing" up fan photos for fun

Happy Listening!!!

fun link time!

Mouth's Cradle on Facebook

Mouth's Cradle on Youtube

Mouth's Cradle on Twitter

Gilbert Gottfried recently got fired from Aflac for making a Japan tsunami joke. However, double G has been doing this his whole career so what do you expect. He infamously made 9/11 jokes at the Hugh Hefner roast something like 10 days after it happened. Double G, btw, is the voice of the duck who screams "AFFFLAAAAACCCC". To parody this, he recently did a video with Funny or Die, called "Too Soon Gilbert Gottfried"

XI- Singularity

2011-04-04T16:28:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the Robot

I recently discovered something awesome.Well, it depends on your definition of "awesome". It's called Technological Singularity, or "Singularity Theory". I had to share it. As I mentioned previously, I don't think there is a bigger self fulfilling prophecy then mankind creates it's own demise through technology (as opposed to pollution, 2012/Mayan calender, etc. theories). Let the nightmare begin!!!!

"A technological singularity is a hypothetical event occurring when technological progress becomes so rapid that it makes the future after the singularity qualitatively different and harder to predict."- Wikipedia

That doesn't sound to bad, but how about:

" Within thirty years, we will have the technological means to create superhuman intelligence. Shortly after, the human era will be ended."- Vernor Vinge, SDSU. Written in 1993

That sounds a little bleak. But more specifically:

"...a story that goes like this: one day in the not-so-distant future, the Internet will suddenly coalesce into a super-intelligent A.I., infinitely smarter than any of us individually and all of us combined; it will become alive in the blink of an eye, and take over the world before humans even realize what’s happening.
Some think the newly sentient Internet would then choose to kill us; others think it would be generous and digitize us the way Google is digitizing old books, so that we can live forever as algorithms inside the global brain."-Jaron Lainer, New York Times

OH MY GOD! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Not necessarily. But probably.

Computers are our loyal friends, like a good lap dog! How would this happen?

"Although technological progress has been accelerating, it has been limited by the basic intelligence of the human brain, which has not, according to Paul R. Ehrlich, changed significantly for millennia.^[10] However with the increasing power of computers and other technologies, it might eventually be possible to build a machine that is more intelligent than humanity.^[11] If superhuman intelligences were invented, either through the amplification of human intelligence or artificial intelligence, it would bring to bear greater problem-solving and inventive skills than humans, then it could design a yet more capable machine, or re-write its source code to become more intelligent. This more capable machine then could design a machine of even greater capability. These iterations could accelerate, leading to recursive self improvement, potentially allowing enormous qualitative change before any upper limits imposed by the laws of physics or theoretical computation set in."-Wikipedia

Praise thy CPU!

Singularity theory is referred to constantly as a "technology" religion of sorts, kind of like a 1's and 0's End of Days. But what is most disturbing about the notion of the coming singularity, in my opinion, can be boiled down to three things:

Singularity Theory is:
1. Based in science (which, unlike Scientology, which is surprisingly not based on science but instead around an alien Jesus being trapped in an electric mountain prison)

2. Already happening. As talked about in Jaron Lainer's NY Times article:
"That is, people perform machine-like activity, copying and relaying information; the Internet, as a whole, is claimed to perform the creative thinking, the problem solving, the connection making. This is a devaluation of human thought."
The more automation, the more computer algorithms that we use, the more the power balance has been shifted to computers. We are the drones that carry out the simple, arduous tasks.

3. Unpredictable. A key component of singularity theory is "the turning point". Once society and technology hit this point, which is inherently hard to predict, that the change will be rapid and unpredictable

Conclusion

All the great inventions in the world today are limited by the power of the human mind. Even the intelligent computer models that help us do things from manage power systems, map DNA, to predict extreme weather patterns, are inherently limited to some extent because they can be linked back to human creators. Despite the complexity, vastness, and diversity of what has been created, there are human specialists (mathematicians, engineers, chemists, etc.) that are involved in the process and know how processes and inventions operate and why they work. A great portion of our inventions took lifetimes to create.

What the singularity represents is the outcome when that string of limitation is cut, and when their is no specialization. Oh, and "AIs could have other uses for the scarce resources mankind uses to survive." Like oxygen.

Have a great week!

Sharing is Caring

NY Times Article, "First Church of Robotics"
How to Find Aliens, DUHHHH!!!!!!

X- Salads Exposed

2011-03-28T11:50:00.000-07:00

"All green things must die"- Charlie Sheen

Salads- a staple of any dieting plan. Salads can be very healthy to eat if you make them yourself and aren't a Ranch dressing cultist. However, 99% of the time they are not. Here's a hint: if you throw a bunch of thick Ranch dressing and bacon bits on something, it is no longer a healthy menu item. Such is the case with restaurant "entree" salads. They come out on a 14" diameter plate and frequently top 1,000 calories such as Ruby Tuesday's Carolina Chicken Salad (1,300 calories).

Iceberg

If iceberg wasn't as crunchy as it is, this crop would be non-existent. The fact that we apply 1,000's of ways to get this flavor-less, nutrient-less product into as many items as possible is disturbing. It is green, shredded filler. I used the word "green" loosely, it is more like a see-through membrane then an actual color. Yet, it is far and away the #1 lettuce we consume in America. And here is the reason: a head of lettuce is about $1.10. If you shred it up, you can fill a shopping cart.

nom nom nom nom nom

My favorite thing to see at restaurants is the "iceberg wedge" salad. Oh, how exotic. Let's take a head of lettuce, and instead of actually shredding it, let's just hack it up into sixths with a butcher's knife. Then douse it with blue cheese dressing, bacon, tomatoes, etc.

Side Note: Iceberg's best friend is the almost equally nutrient-vapid celery!

Dressing

The only thing less healthy then iceberg is the dressing we drench our salads with. I don't know about you, but i don't make a turkey sandwich, pour 6 oz. of mayo on a plate and run it on every square inch of the bread like a psycho. Dressings are primarily made of : oil, water, and sugar.

Common Ingredients In Salad

Filler aka Iceberg
toasted and seasoned white bread
bacon
eggs
steak
chicken strips
smoked salmon
salami
tortilla chips
blue cheese
hard cheeses (cheddar, Parmesan, etc.)
black olives
walnuts, almonds, etc.
un-ripe, watery tomatoes
celery
2 slices of cucumber
.15 ounces of carrot
.20 ounces of red cabbage

Side Note: Radishes are omitted from the toppings list is because they do not taste good, and any appearance in a salad is probably a mistake. I hypothesize they are left on the kitchen counter from a different dish and get wrapped into everything in similar fashion to these games:

Designer Salads

You can't be a self respecting restaurant and not have a unique or quirky salad on the menu. Lazier places will just through dried cranberries in everything. I wish it stopped there. Instead, you are looking at a salad that resembles what a kindergarten class pulled up out of the field next to the baseball diamond. "I was wanting a salad, but i don't know how the mandarin oranges, beef tri-tip, rose petals, and dandelions are going to taste together". Watermelon is not a salad topping unless you are dehydrated in a desert. On the converse of this, i have no idea how anchovies got incorporated into Caesar dressing. Whatever the reason, it's delicious.

Conclusion

Although it may not sound like it, I love salads (healthy or otherwise). My problem is that people think they are eating something that is healthy but the opposite is true. People opting for the salad on their lunch break are trying to finish their work day with calories rendered from a watery oil mix and toppings, instead of an actual meal.

IX- Dragonforce

2011-03-17T10:46:00.000-07:00

As Advertised

This is pretty much self-explanatory

Dragon Time
Winning by a wide margin, The Apprisal readers wanted, nay, demanded several dragons photo shopped together. This is surely what they had in mind. In my search for dragon pictures, I stumbled upon several interesting sites to say the least. Feel free to use this image as your desktop background at home, work, etc. Or get it screen printed onto a t-shirt to send your lil guy or gal to 1st grade class in style. We can figure out royalties at a later time.

On The Road

The creative writing team of 1 is traveling to Chicago this upcoming Sunday, so not sure if a post will be up on Monday. If you have any great ideas about what to do in Chi-City, please leave them as a comment. Unfortunately, I don't know if I have time to hang out with Kanye West and Lupe Fiasco while I'm there. Apparently, Oprah also lives there. I would like to eat dinner at her house, I imagine it would be pretty spectacular.

Another Great American City

Detroit, which once upon the time was a halfway respectable city, is amidst some change. Several residents and people who don't even live in Michigan are trying to get a statue of Robocop built. Yes, that Robocop. This is amazingly awesome. It will be just as iconic as the "Rocky" statue in Philly. Many websites have articles about it, including someone living in California donating something in the range of 25-50k just for this statue. Detroit may need this statue (scientific fact), but not everyone may agree (crazy). I stumbled upon a website that some may consider a tad on the "conservative" side. In this article, they slam Robocop as being Anti-American and Anti-Christian. Obviously, the greatest threat to Christianity is dragons, as illustrated above. They are also critical of Slate.com writer Patrick Cassels:

"Sadly, this young Cassels fellow, who was not even born during Reagan’s days in office,"

-Warner Todd Huston, http://www.stoptheaclu.com/

I have to go back and read. the slate.com article, apparently. I didn't realize they were also proposing "and one Nation, under God" be changed to "and one Nation, under Robocop".

Here is a link to the slate.com article.
Disclaimer: If you read it, The Apprisal does not take any responsibility for you turning into a communist.

Sharing is Caring

Every week, The Apprisal will try to set your Internet table with the most succulent seasonal vegetables, ham, and goose links available.

CAPTCHArt- This is best described with an image. Hilarity ensues. Nothing is more frustrating then trying to type in captcha's that are so illegible that the human eye can't discern the letters for the made up words.

Two recent images:

Dragons in the Bible- This site is the source of the quote incorporated in the image. Very....interesting....website....

A hilarious video, highlighting Chicago's failed bid to host the 2016 Olympic games. Brought to you by Apprisal favorite, The Hood Internet

VIII- R.I.P. Daves of Thunder

2011-03-14T16:23:00.000-07:00

Daves of Thunder
I have been a little depressed as of late, due directly to the cancellation of one of my favorite podcasts, Daves of Thunder. The Daves were comprised of Dave Dameshek, a multi-talented radio personality who has his own show on nfl.com- The Shame Report, and Dave Sweeney, a career Hollywood writer who works on TV shows, such as According to Jim, Kimmel, etc. The main source of comedy for this show was their constant bickering, fighting about what they should do on the show, and making fun of each other's current and past projects. These became staples of the show as well as other vocabulary (especially show business vocab) the two Daves propagated. I was late to the Daves of Thunder podcast, (which they referred to as their 'passion project'), and quickly caught up to speed listening to past episodes up to 5 or 6 a week. Unfortunately, due to inconsistencies in recording, they were cancelled by Adam Carolla's podcast network. There has been quite a bit of backlash due to the #2 show getting cancelled, (Carolla's show being #1, and also the most listened to podcast on the Internet).

Last Episode of Daves of Thunder- So Sad :(

Let it Begiiiinnnn!!!

The Daves Divided
Among the bickering, Shek and Feeney make listeners pick a side in their dispute, The Shek Republic or Feensters Union. Usually, they pick Dameshek because they don't want to crush him and vocalize so. Shek listeners like the lists, etc. (as talked about below). Feeney likes to "crack wise" and "write pages".

Monkeys / BTL's
One of the running shticks on DOT was blatantly insulting their "audience", calling them uneducated, dirty apes, and BTL's. BTL is an abbreviation for "Below the Line", which is a show business term for everyone underneath the various directors, etc. that don't have any input in the final product. Dave Dameshek frequently would champion himself "a man of the people" to which Sweeney would bring up the car and house Dameshek owns in fashion similar to:
"Man of the people? No one in our audience drives an $80,000 Volvo. How much does NFL network pay you? It's got to be $700,000 for that bit you stole from Jeff Foxworthy. Does Foxworthy ever confront you about that?"

Feeney, atop Mt. Pious

Dameshek would frequently attack Sweeney over the fact that he had a harder time recording the show due to his busy "Hollywood" schedule. 'Shek would accuse Feeney of being on 'Mt. Pious', accusing him of thinking he was "above" everybody else and would re-establish himself as "a man of the people", and being there to keep the show going.

Sidekicks
The show was rarely done with guests, but almost always incorporated their Producer "Jacuzzi" Pete and Production assistant "Blaster Girl" Katie. Sometimes, they would talk and berate their PA/Intern Singleton/ Doubleton.

Blaster Girl
Blaster Girl's real name is Katie Lavine, and is in her mid to late 20's. She is a common target for berating from the Daves, and a recurring bit that she and Sweeney are secretly in love. This is a great source of humor for Sweeney, who talks about a dream that she appeared in with him, and says great one liners such as "Something about that average looking girl makes me go crazy". They constantly make fun of her large feet, her copious marijuana smoking, and try to hook her up with any male callers, even if they are in high school. They also complain about anytime she has to read, as she does it in a very boring and monotone fashion. She works on several other podcasts at Ace Network. Also simply known as "BG"

Audio of Jacuzzi Pete doing a Hilarious Christian Bale impersonation

Jacuzzi Pete
Jacuzzi Pete is named such as it's a running bit that he spends all his free time in his Jacuzzi. JP, once overweight but still a little portly, he is regularly ridiculed as well on the podcast about his weight, etc. In an especially infamous episode, the Daves forced him to walk out on the show, only to return two weeks later. The Daves compared him to an elephant, and how his wife needs to wash him by tarping off the bathroom, spraying him with a zoo nozzle, and using rags on sticks to clean him. In addition, Sweeney would occasionaly do a bit called "Jacuzzi's Thought's", claiming JP would send him emails about random topics and secrets to which he would act confused about or occasionally deny. One of the more vehemently denied thoughts was JP's admiration for the 9/11 hijackers, despite his love for America. Jacuzzi Pete has a rivalry with part time stand-in producer Mike Cioffi, refereed to on DOT as "Jacuzzi Cioffi". Cioffi would blatantly bribe the Daves with baked goods and talk about how much talent they have, to the chagrin of JP.

Running Bits and Vocabulary
These are a few of my favorite things the Daves would do:

Sweeney the Writer
Sweeney, a professional writer, would make fun of anyone doing things in his realm of expertise.
-Would make fun of Dameshek working on the show "Battlebots", and would make jokes about Dameshek writing jokes for robots.
-A high percentage of the time someone would make a joke, Sweeney would go "Ohhh, Blaster Girl's writing pages now!" which completely kills their joke in a hilarious fashion. The implication being the joke wasn't off the cuff, and instead was written beforehand.

"Gave me the high-hat"
A reference to the flopped joke 3 drum hit, ending in the high hat. Anytime someone disrespects you, they "give you the high-hat".

Dameshek- Old Timey Words
"Gangbusters"- An outdated word that appeared in an episode of "Mad Men", means "crazy". Would use it to refer to the podcasts popularity
Crooked/ Sideways- meaning drunk "We went out this weekend, and we got crooked. I mean we really got sideways!"
Standing Drinks- Buying drinks for people, aka standing at the bar
Man in the Mirror- A way to reference yourself

Lists
Dameshek would make lists that would annoy Feeney to no end. Anytime he would transition to the lists, Feeney would start belly aching about it. Damesheks list include :best condiment (Mustard), best free appetizer at restaurants (chips & salsa), etc. This is a main point in contention between the two Daves. Dameshek would claim it gave the audience something talk and vote on, while Sweeney would complain that it doesn't have anything to do with comedy. Ironically, the back and forth was the main point of the lists. In one episode, Dameshek goes on a vitriolic rant about his problems with the show, using movie speeches. He utilizes the Alec Balwin scene from Glenn Gary Glenn Ross, and replaces "The leads are no good?"with "The lists are no good?"

Star Wars- The Daves are big star wars fans, and make references to all the different movies. They end every show with the "Yub Nub" song, the song the Ewoks sing at the end of Return of the Jedi.

Listener Submissions
The Daves of Thunder Podcast was probably the largest recipient of listener content on Ace Broadcasting. They frequently put up songs (cover songs are a favorite of the show), and listener art depicting running jokes of the show. One of my favorite songs is made after JP walks out of the show. The song starts off longing for him to come back, and makes fun of JP for eating nachos and coconut cream pies.

A Post Daves of Thunder World
The Daves of Thunder Facebook Page is even more active now that the show is gone, with disgruntled listeners. Many blame one of the producers/program directors at Ace Broadcasting, but I can't blame them. The inconsistencies with the show came to head around Superbowl weekend, with the Daves not putting up a legitimate show in 3 weeks. Prior to that, they had recorded a show in Jacuzzi Pete's minivan just a few weeks prior (which was pretty hilarious). Although I would have loved if they kept the show on, I understand that it was a business decision. I just hope for a speedy return to the Internet airwaves, in a more consistent iteration. Many fans are hoping for Earwolf, home to the "Comedy Death-Ray Radio" show, and "How Did This Get Made?" with Paul Sheer, a show where they analyze bad movies.

Thanks for reading, new post on Thursday!

VII- Oppression In Society

2011-03-10T20:07:00.000-08:00

The School System
You don't necessarily have to watch a documentary on how poorly teachers are paid, or take half your k-12 classes inside of alternating portable buildings and decrepit facilities to know the school system doesn't get a lot of money thrown at it. Still, i have learned quite a few useful things, in no particular order:

How to glue
Do pointless work
Interpret depressing books
'Sitting Endurance'
How to turn in work you aren't proud of
Deal with imbalanced people in their late 40's and 50's
How to Read, blah blah blah

What a marvelous time I had at school, however their biggest failing wasn't sending me into the world generally unprepared. This shortcoming is due to their own laziness and a general practice that started many years ago, and is very strange and inconsistent with their other policies. Don't like math? Too bad, here's 40 pages of arithmetic to practice. What I am referring to: not teaching me to be ambidextrous.

You Made Me Like This!
Maybe I have a different perspective of this "hot-button" ambidextrous issue because I am left handed. How lazy are the teachers who didn't teach me to use both hands equally. It is strange and peculiar. I'm sure they have some type of company-line defense along the lines of:

"You don't need to be ambidextrous" or
"It would take to long to teach"

I'm sure they saw me pick up a crayon 10 times, 6 times with my left hand and slotted me in the minority oppressed left handed group. Well, with my one usable hand, balled into a fist and thrust in the air, I say buck the system.

You know what takes a long time? Learning everything in reverse of how 89% of people do it. One of the creeds I live my life by is "Look out for yourself, because no one else is going to". You know how I know I have the capacity to learn things with both hands? Because after a certain age (about 12 years old) the majority of things I have learned, I have learned to do right handed.

Here's a little breakdown:

Things I do Left Handed "Naturally" (AKA Oppressed Left Handed):
Write the English Language
Draw
Throw a baseball
Kick a Soccer Ball
Ride A Skateboard
Boxing
Swing a golf Club
Swing a Baseball Bat

Things I do Right Handed (With the rest of the society)
Play Guitar-More on this below
Use a Computer Mouse
Drive A Manual Transmission Car
Play Video Games

Things I can do with both hands, overcoming the disabilities of my under-developed right hand
Type on a Keyboard
Text on my Cellphone
Swing a Tennis Racket
Dress Myself
Lift Weights at the gym
Choke Homeless People

This isn't a Waka Flocka Flame song, I would like to use both my hands. Imagine if I had to import a car from Europe to be able to shift gears with my left hand. That isn't much different from having to buy special scissors with "LEFTY" engraved into the blades. You might as well stick a gold star on me.

Playing Guitar

Steve Vai, doing his thing

During high school, I learned to play guitar and spent the majority of my time playing bass guitar. When I decided to play guitar, I decided to play it technically "right handed", which left handed people should do, because:
A. Like everything, it will be 100 times easier to find gear left handed, and
B. Your left hand is what you would use to fret, which the majority of the time is the tougher assignment. Picking strings is easier because you have a general "home" location for your right hand as a point of reference for picking (or in the case of bass, fingering) the 4,5,6,7 strings. Fretting becomes difficult as you have to contort your left hand in constantly variable scales, chords, etc. More on this below...again.

Playing Xbox
The xbox controller is designed for right handed people. The majority of the buttons to be used are located on the right hand of the controller. This has not been a hindrance for me in the least. How crazy! Same thing with the computer mouse. Teach me how to hold a #2 pencil? Your beyond our help, you scrawny kid.

The Left Handed Low-Down- This is one of the best Wikipedia Pages I have ever read. "Peoples of the Andes consider that left-handers possess special spiritual abilities, including magic and healing."

"Because the vast majority of the world population is right-handed, most everyday items are mass-produced for ease of use with the right hand. Tools, game equipment, musical instruments and other items must be specially ordered for left-handed use, if they are even produced."

"Other items which could prove to be inconvenient for left-handers include cameras, train-station turnstiles, can openers, potato peelers, corkscrews, rulers, computer mice and keyboards, watches, chequebooks, spiral notebooks, fishing reels, boomerangs, measuring cups and pencil sharpeners."

-Thanks wikipedia, why don't you just say "EVERYTHING EVER MADE, SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME."

Left Handed Culture
Every group has their heroes. Despite overtly complaining about having to use my left hand, I do generally like being associated with my left handed brethren. I would simply like the choice, such as someone being bilingual deciding when where to speak which language. I would like to have it be a preference, not a law. Maybe this reason of having to overcome adversity is the reason left-handed people are generally thought of as inventive, etc.?

Famous Left-Handers. I don't know if you have heard of.......

Julius Caesar
Napoleon Bonaparte
Alexander the Great
Charlemagne
Michelangelo
Tolstoy
Mark Twain
Picasso
Mozart
Beethoven
Bach
Aristotle
Nietzsche
Thomas Jefferson
Albert "Please say the Baby" Einstein
Justin Bieber

Maybe this reason of having to overcome adversity is the reason left-handed people are generally thought of as inventive, etc.? I know what you are thinking- "I'm right handed and that's offensive and untrue". If only it was, wikipedia strikes again! BAM

"In his book Right-Hand, Left-Hand,^[27] Chris McManus of University College London argues that the proportion of left-handers is increasing and left-handed people as a group have historically produced an above-average quota of high achievers. He says that left-handers' brains are structured differently in a way that increases their range of abilities, and the genes that determine left-handedness also govern development of the language centres of the brain."

It's all so clear to me now. It's so clear. The right-handed monarchy in this society decided to oppress the left handed people because of our propensity to be high-achievers, and our magic and healing powers. I'm sure books have been written about this, but the ink probably smeared beyond legibility.

Two Heroes of the Left
Throughout history, left handed people have paved ways for society as a whole (including the 89% dead weight). I want to honor two of them here, who decided to buck the system.

Leonardo Da Vinci
My man even had a Ninja Turtle named after him. This guy is "the inventor". Listed on Wikipedia as "Italian polymath: painter, sculptor, architect, musician, scientist, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, geologist, cartographer, botanist and writer." One of the greatest humans to ever walk the planet.

Hardcore Left:
I made a reference to ink smearing as you write normally for a left handed person, left to write. Not this guy. Da Vinci PROPPED A MIRROR NEXT TO HIS JOURNALS AND WROTE BACKWARDS. He did everything in these journals, such as literally, write grocery lists to draw war machines, and write down who owed him money. Lemme ask you this- you want to owe someone money who draws war machines on the next page from your name? #1 lefty in my book, getting it done!

Jimi Hendrix

Okay, I'm finally going to wrap this guitar thing up. Jimi Hendrix, one of the most innovative people on a 6-string was left handed. Although Clapton has the reputation and nickname of "lefty", Hendrix was more hardcore.

Hardcore Left

Look at the picture. If you have ever played guitar, you would notice the problem immediately. HENDRIX TAUGHT HIMSELF HOW TO PLAY GUITAR UPSIDE DOWN. He took a regular right-handed Stratocaster and flipped it upside down. Why 99.9% of people don't do this: Strings are on the guitar Strung from Low E at the Top, High E at the bottom. He had to re-string his guitar different from all other guitars, even left-handed guitars. On top of that, the controls are in direct interference with your strumming position. On guitars like the Fender, all the tuning nuts are on the bottom instead of the top as well. Jimi Hendrix, getting it done! He also had a band named Gypsy, Sun, and Rainbows. oh and Rolling Stone named him the #1 guitar player of all time.

Wow, this was a long blog. New Blog on Monday!

Da Vinci didn't play guitar, but Hendrix did. That's why he gets the video.

Sharing is Caring

This is one of the funniest things on the Internet

Paula Dee Riding Things

Someone, Buy me this T-shirt. I will Dedicate a blog to how awesome you and The Wire are. but mainly The Wire. Like 100% of it to The Wire

Buy Me it Here

VI- Foreigner Music

2011-03-07T12:16:00.000-08:00

MUSIC
This is the 1st post about music for The Apprisal. Seeing as this is only the 6th post ever, you probably already knew that. Music is a very intriguing topic and learning about new artists is a very interesting process for me. I find that I personally, listen to music like I do a lot of other things such as drink beer. Sometimes I listen to a lot of music for hours, sometimes I only catch a little radio. I'll listen to several different artists and genres on the same CD, or I'll just listen exclusively to one artist. I find it weird how you have "cravings" for different songs. Personal Note: I haven't heard "Ice Ice Baby" in a long time, I need hit that up on YouTube.

On the other hand, I'm sure everyone has CD's from high school that they might as well throw in the recycling bin because A. you are never going to listen to them again, and B. they suck. I find I don't burn a lot of calories looking and searching for new artists, or at least as much as I used to. I find something I like, and I listen to it. I hate hearing about well-regarded artists/ bands and finding out they have 8 studio albums and another 3 live ones spanning 15 years, how do I delve into that? Besides, some of my favorite bands abandon their sound by the 4th album anyways.

A Guide to a Rock Career
Every band should model their career after Rage Against the Machine.
A. Have a clear vision of what you are going to do
B. Be musically proficient and genuinely innovative
C. Be good live
D. Make 3 Studio Albums, that although different, are still recognizable as the original artist
E. Make a cover album of your favorite songs
F. Hate each other forever and break up the band.

The Alternative
A. Get labeled "Selling Out" as your sound changes
B. Fade from popularity, try to "keep with the times".
C. Have rock career and personal life interfere (i.e. "Scott Weiland")
D. Putting out exhausted albums degrades your music as a whole, ruining your legacy.

Rage against the Machine can once in a while get together, and sell out a venue of any size. Bands that have overstayed their welcome play casinos. Small casinos. It's similar to sport athletes running out of gas but still suiting up. It truly is better to go out on top.

For this maiden music post, I've decided to highlight two artists- Someone I've been listening to for a very long time and someone I haven't. Also, to complicate matters, these aren't two of my "favorites" per say, but I decided to write about for some type of convoluted/arbitrary reason.

Cadence Weapon

Mr. Weapon is an artist I heard of from a great site, http://www.thehoodinternet.com/. The 'hood does mash ups of indie rock/rap/etc. and puts out a lot of great, free music. I was listening to one of their mix tapes for the 3rd or 4th time and finally looked up the rapper on one of my favorite parts of the mix. Cadence weapon is very lyrically oriented, and uses a lot of unconventional background beats/ ideas. A lot of it is good, some of it is bad. All of it is interesting. Hailing from, Edmonton, Canada he has some unique ideas and was invited to do some live poetry at the 2010 Winter Olympics. He has some interesting lyrics, such as talking about getting tattoos and wondering how the whole tattoo artist/ customer relationship is suppose to work, complexities and oddities of friendships, styles/fads, and non-ghetto Edmonton.

Some of my favorite Cadence Weapon Songs/Mash ups (that are readily available online)

Cadence Weapon/ Professor Murder

Foreigner

I decided to write about Foreigner because I enjoy their music, and are infinitely better than a similar band that gets all the attention. That band is Journey. Journey are hacks compared to Foreigner. Everybody LOVES Journey because they have that "Don't Stop Believing" song that everyone LOVES to sing when they are plastered at dive-karaoke bars. Cadence Weapon is from Canada and raps about Canada. Journey is from Canada and sings about South Detroit. Journey has a few great songs such as "Lights" "Wheel in the Sky", and "Anyway You Want It". That's about it. I'm not a Journey "hater", but all that love should be shoveled onto Foreigner. In terms of 80's ballad-rock stuff, or whatever you want to call it, Foreigner is far superior.

Stack "I want to know what Love is" to "Don't Stop Believing". Foreigner's catalog is much deeper, and their lead singer sounds like he is actually, a man.

The Hottest Sax Solo. "Urgent" alone tops the majority of Journey's Catalog. Working at a grocery store, hearing a good song 3 times is a 40 hour work week, Urgent was a favorite of mine.

You say you aren't convinced? You say you love the Journey too much to show Foreigner their due respect?
Hot Blooded.

Jukebox Hero is "masterpiece" status

Break it up 1982

I know a lot of music is subjective, but clearly Foreigner rocks harder and stands up to the test of time better. I was going to make mention of the fact the 80's were a weird time musically, when the 80's were a weird time period. It's good to know some actual rock was being made. I don't have any specifics laid out, but I'm confident I'll end up blasting "The Eagles" sooner rather than later. In a music-oriented article or not. Happy Rockin'!

V-Magica!

2011-03-04T12:48:00.000-08:00

The People Have Spoken
In a rousing vote, the people have spoken. Recieving 50% of all votes cast, the people have demanded I address the topic of magic. Nevermind the fact that 4 total votes were to be had. I don't have time to discuss "poll validity" and "sampling". For this article, I will revisit one of the pillars our great Western society is built upon.

This is America
It wasn't a very long time ago that magic wasn't just primarily a source for authors to make money. Today, little kids dress up for halloween as little ghouls and zombies and wizards. But let us travel back in time to the 1600's, where that wasn't the case.

The scene is colonial Massachusetts. This is almost a 100 years prior to an event I referred to in The Apprisal's inaugural post, The Boston Tea Party. Or as I like to refer to it "That one time we made 40 Million Gallons of Lipton". Anywhooooos, back to the scene of colonial Massachusetts. It was the late 1600's, and brave settlers traveled 1,000's of miles to reach this new land to escape religious persecution. Their means were simple, and had to work the hard earth everyday. It was a hard life, and they slept on hard beds. They traveled on ships over hard seas and ate hard fruit for food. The human species has faced some astounding hardships and circumstances throughout the history of time. But it was about to get harder.

Witches
Witches. There were a bunch of witches.These witches were up to no good and displayed typical witch-like behaviour, doing such felonious criminal activity as:

Making People do things, such as crawling under furniture, making weird sounds, or having outbursts and being identified as the cause by girls under the age of 12
Being a Homeless Beggar
Re-Marrying because of Money
Reading Books about Witches
Voicing Skepticism about the Possibility of Witches
Wearing Black Clothing

It was with great urgency that the good, god-fearing people of Massachusetts organized and brought in these witches for examinations. These great people acted swiftly (as you should, in matters dealing with witches) and imprisoned all these magic-practitioners. From April til May alone in 1692, they were able to round up 62 people who practice arts of magica and praise their dark lord Satan (over 150 witches total). Some of these people died in jail, as I'm sure they were confused as what to feed witches. It is 2011, and I would not know what to feed a witch if confronted with that situation.

It was about this time a resident named Cotton Mather wrote a letter to one of the judges, which I will paraphrase/ reenact below as I envision it:

"Dear Judge John Richards:

What's up my main man. How is the Fam? We should grab a Samuel Adams equivalent sometime and kick it. I don't think we can order a Samuel Adams at our local tavern because the historical figure that is the beer's namesake has not been born yet.
I just want to say very legibly that I AM A BIG FAN OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING WITH THIS WHOLE-WITCH TRIAL PROJECT. THERE ARE DEFINITELY WITCHES AND YOU GUYS ARE DOING A REALLY GREAT JOB. You guys are solid.
Maybe it's just me, but I just wanted to point out that a lot of evidence seems to be from peoples dreams and visions. I know I know, 'legal proceedings' was never really my thing. I just wanted to give a little constructive criticism and maybe we can hit these witches with some hard evidence? It just, you know, kind of seems like it would be easy to make something like this up. Anyways, catch you on the flip.
-The Cotton"

Luckily, they did not take Cotton Mather's advice. Due to a very streamlined and efficient judicial process, they were able to charge these witches with witch-crimes of different levels. 8 of the more serious witches were hung in harmony at the same time, others had various punishments. But usually hanging.

Giles Cory

Giles Cory, a soon to be convicted witch, decided to not enter a plea in the court. Well, as I talked about earlier, time is of the essence when dealing with witches. Sometimes if you are building something, you need something other than your Phillips-head screwdriver and a 10mm ratchet. You need to dig deep in the toolbox and pull out the right tool- in this case, it was "Peine forte et dure". This is the practice of restricting a person's limbs and stacking rocks on their chest until they enter a plea. Giles did not make it to trial. A fun fact- the most common method of execution by crushing in history doesn't involve rocks. It involves elephants. Oh Boy!

Witch Cake
Although testimony worked very well for indicting witches, they employed some science as well. I would probably classify this as "non-traditional"

"At some point in February 1692, likely between the time when the afflictions began but before specific names were mentioned, a neighbor of Rev. Parris, Mary Sibly (aunt of the afflicted Mary Walcott), instructed John Indian, one of the minister's slaves, to make a witch cake, using traditional English white magic to discover the identity of the witch who was afflicting the girls. The cake, made from rye meal and urine from the afflicted girls, was fed to a dog.
According to English folk understanding of how witches accomplished affliction, when the dog ate the cake, the witch herself would be hurt because invisible particles she had sent to afflict the girls remained in the girls' urine, and her cries of pain when the dog ate the cake would identify her as the witch."

Conclusion
Thanks to the hard work of the early settlers, America continues to be primarily witch-free. I would also feel prosecutors of today have a lot to learn from these trials, as they were able to convict 26 of 26 people making it into a formal trial.

Enjoy your weekend!!!
New poll in the top-right

Sharing Is Caring

This week, I have brought 4 web/series of tubes/links for you to put your eyeballs on

Charlie Sheen's Twitter- Pure gold and magic

Big Think-A website dedicated to bringing information written by hundreds of different "experts" in their given fields. A lot of celebrity types participate.

Cracked- A very funny site that I finally visited. Example A: 6 Giant Blind Spots In Every Movie Alien's Invasion Strategy

Facebook- A great website for connecting with friends. You should check it out.

Post IV- Facebook Ads

2011-02-28T16:22:00.000-08:00

The Facebook, and other Internet LULZ
This is part one of a long term series exploring different aspects of the world's largest social networking site

Facebook- one of the things that that you love and hate at the same time. For every great gem of knowledge learned through this site, is 5 status updates from somebody who makes a lot of sandwiches in the same day. That's a topic for another day, but this article is going to take a quick glance at one of it's core sources of revenue- advertising.

I'm confident most Internet users notice how the "smart" ads have progressed over the years to reflect recent search queries, websites visited, and ads reflecting information in their profiles and browser cookies. These can be comical when very off-base, but most of the time work fairly well. Search for a new car, expect to see Toyota Corolla ads in your sidebar. Have your relationship status set to 'single', expect to see more dating website banners.

In the past few weeks, I have taken a more critical eye to what appears next to these sandwich posts. What I have previously dismissed as random, filler ads are promoting dangerous and curious behavior. The Apprisal (at this point in time) simply does not have the resources to peek behind the curtain at the grand scheme of things, but what you see below will raise questions of your own and at the least will be alarming.

Side note: A recent article on every body's favorite coupon site Groupon highlighted the quick expansion of their site. It's quick growth has surpassed Facebook's during the same time frame.

Example A: Ferrari Enzo

This is an actual ad that appeared on my facebook page. Based on it's contents, they concluded that

A. I like to pay little for car insurance (Correct!)
B. I am insanely rich (False!)
C. I drive something similar to a limited production, custom painted pink Ferrari Enzo (False!)
D. I can somehow insure a limited-production super car for $36/month even though 18-25 year old males are in the highest risk demographic for car insurance (Probably False!)

For someone unfamiliar with the Ferrari Enzo, it is a car of such limited run that although retailing for over $600K in 2002, money alone would not ensure you received a V12 super car with a carbon fiber body. You would have to be on a special list, mostly consisting of previous owners of other "top end" Ferrari's. Companies whom release products named after their founders (I.E. IBM Watson) usually try to put out a pretty good product. For this reason, this car cannot be had for less then typically $1 million USD.
Usually, a lot of decisions in life are governed by red flags. For example, if someone was inviting you into their unmarked white van with bloody hand prints on the outside.

Let's say you have the super car. Let's say you weren't satisfied with the factory paint job they did on the carbon fiber shell, and you had it painted something classy such as Kawasaki Ninja lime-green or Susan B. Komen pink. Let's even assume you are insuring this whip for over $40 a month. Well, did you know Jim Beam is now on facebook? That's right, not only are you paying too much to insure your 650 hp car-jet hybrid, but don't forget what your favorite whiskey is when you go for a little spin through the school zone.

Example B: Please Say the Baby

Criminals- They need to be locked up. Law Enforcement- They need people to lock up these criminals. That's where my-law-enforcement-degrees.info comes in. In as little as 18 months, you could be strapping up, kicking down doors, and arresting multi-platinum, Grammy winning artist Lil' Wayne. I'm not sure advertising the FBI and locking up a popular African-American artist is racist, but I have a hunch. At least pick somebody who isn't a celebrity. I'm sure you could find somebody with face-tats off that show Las Vegas Jailhouse on Tru-Tv or whichever channel they air it on. "CHAIR! CHAIR! CHAIR! CHAIR!"

My main problem with this ad, however, is inferring it is easy to lock up Lil' Wayne. He is very adamant that he is an alien, talks about guns and drugs constantly, and looks very scrappy and wiry. Let's just say I'm not kicking down his door anytime soon. If they throw up a picture of Bow Wow or Justin Bieber, they might be on to something. YOUNG MOOOLLAAAA BABY.

Bonus Round

This advertisement did not appear on Facebook, however I had to comment on it. This image is most certainly ripped from some unsuspecting person's facebook page. Should have set the 09-Winter Office Party album to private. Mortgage rates under 3.15%? Break out the Jagermiester and the LMFAO.

Side Note: Anytime I read "you probably qualify" my inner monologue read's "you probably don't qualify"

Thanks for reading, and please share on Facebook or however you send your peeps links.

It is worth noting that today is the last day to vote in the poll, so please do so! Also, a new poll will be up sometime this week.

Post III-I Gotta have my Taste

2011-02-23T23:41:00.000-08:00

"Of course, I mean you know, I gotta have my taste, too"- Avon Barksdale
This quote is from the Television show The Wire, where Avon is explaining to another person that he needs a piece of the pie. Don't worry, we will have plenty of time to talk about The Wire, why The Wire is one of the best shows of all time, etc. etc. etc. The Apprisal is going to blast that topic into "hyperspace" in the near future. "Hyperspace" is a phrase i saw used by Michio Kaku recently, I have no idea what it means but it sounds epic. Oh by the way, without ruining the plot Avon Barksdale is a drug dealer.

This idea that you provide a service, get compensated for said service, is what a large percentage of what our country is founded upon. It's called commerce. Once upon a time, this idea went off the rails like that train in the new Denzel movie (haven't seen it), and I would like to go back in time and try to stop it from happening. Like when the robots tried to kill John Connor in Terminator 1. Although those future robots were hell bent on destroying humanity, at least they had their priorities straight.

Side Note: I don't think that there is a self-fulfilling prophecy BIGGER than:
Humans create super intelligent robots.
Robots become autonomous.
1,000 year robot vs. human war.

I didn't need this money, here you go!
A lot of people in this society get compensated for doing little to nothing. I am under the impression that if I walk into a dealership, buy a new car, I don't throw 18% on top of the purchase price and say "Hey thanks for not driving that 2011 Hyundai Elantra straight through the dealership wall into that group of Tiburons until the accident sensor disabled the engine."

A famous argument against tipping is in the first few minutes of the movie "Reservoir Dogs"

Steve Buscemi's character highlights the contradiction in society. People work just as hard if not harder for similar jobs, but society deems them not tip worthy. If you don't tip where it is expected, you come off looking cheap. What a genius who proliferated this concept. If a company could duplicate this today I could not find the words to describe how insane it would be. Could you imagine going into the Apple Store and having to sign on a receipt with a gratuity line? They charge a premium for their product, but so do other businesses we tip everyday. Thanks for not using my boxed iPod as a hacky sack in the backroom on your lunch break!

Automatic Gratuity

I don't understand this at all. What do you think is harder serving, one group of 6 people? Or 3 groups of 2 people? It's not like they split the bill up the majority of the time anyways.

Always Tip Your Bartender!

I don't have a proposed solution for completely changing a societal problem, but i think I have a jumping off point- the bar. I am sure if you are reading this, you have heard some iteration of "Always Tip your bartender!" I have a new phrase "Almost never tip your bartender". Rolls off the tongue real nice, like house whiskey. Why do people tip the bartender? To appease them like some kind of demi-god. Instead of sacrificing human life or an infantile goat to ensure good crops, it's in a feeble attempt to get a little extra splash of poison in our drink of choice so it doesn't taste like watered down Coca-Cola.

Here are 2 great methods for avoiding this:

1. Drink Beer. They can still charge $3 for a bottle, but they can't water it down! Nothing is better than some career bartender reaching in a cooler 3-1/2 steps away, popping the top and setting it in front of you 4 seconds later, and giving you extra "ones" in your $17 in change. Like I'm going to look down and say "Wow, I am not only unable to count all these, but there is no way these are all going to fit in my wallet! Excuse me bar keep? Would you have a use for these?"

2. I am very proud of this next method- The goldfish tip. Have you ever sprinkled a little fish food into the tank and seen what happens? the fish go crazy. From there on out, all you have to do is wave you hand above the water and the fish are eager to please. Tip your bartender a small amount on your first drink. From there on out, zilch. Like the goldfish they are feverish with anticipation, and like the goldfish bartenders have bad memories (working at nighttime and sleeping during the day cannot be good for the body or mind).

If they don't get compensated fairly at a place that clears about 80-90% on everything they sell, that's between them and their employer. Serving drinks that are most commonly composed of ice, Liquid X shot out of a mixer gun, and some alcohol Y, doesn't sound too complicated. I have a Muscle Milk shake on the regular, which involves milk, protein powder, a blender, and I like to pour it into a glass with a little bit of ice. I don't consider this skilled, laborious, and don't look around my apartment confused yelling "Help! Help!!!!"

Side Note: Isn't it weird how anytime you have a drink that involves ice at home, you might throw a few cubes in it. As soon as you leave your house, it's some kind of ice festival. I wonder if people in the service industry are aware that ice floats in most liquids? "Oh, whiskey cola? no problem! Let me just grab this 10 oz. tumbler, scoop it overflowing with ice, and smash the top of it with this ice scoop to make sure there isn't room for actual drink in here! Here's your $6 in change, all in one's."

Moral of the Story

I think it's ironic I used to work at a place that had it written that employees were forced to refuse tips, in an industry that we weren't expected to get tips. Which means, the two times a year we were offered a tip for going "above and beyond", we probably did deserve it, and we could technically face reprimands if we accepted. Instead, we have a workforce of mostly unskilled laborers that dump out this magical barrel of free money at the end of their shifts. Just remember, the next time some bellhop etc. wants his/her palm greased, you better do it. You don't want to look cheap!

Sharing Is Caring!
Every week, I will try pass along a few interesting articles, etc. I stumble upon. Because The Apprisal cares about you, the reader.

Interesting article on the legality of Automatic Gratuity

This also highlights one of the more frustrating aspects of law, "open to interpretation"

Starbucks people trying to get their taste

Fred Armisen on the Adam Carolla Show (Podcast)

From SNL and Portlandia fame, he swings by to talk in depth about Doctor Drew, and not surprisingly Portland

Integrity Spirits

This is the brand of the alcohols distilled at Green Dragon, one of the Zwickelmania spots we stopped at on Saturday

Post II- Zwickelmania- There Will Be Beer

2011-02-21T14:38:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, February 19th, I got to enjoy one of the finer aspects of Portland- the beer. Zwickelmania is a state-wide event organized by the Oregon Brewers Guild, where the participating brewers throw open the doors to the back room and offer tasters of some of their featured products. While The Apprisal strives to provide unbiased reviews and information to the valued reader, There wasn't much to complain about this fairly well organized and fun event. This is due in part to a GOLDEN RULE- it's hard to complain about anything when free beer is involved. Unless, for example, someone gives you a free beer by throwing it through your car windshield.

An awesome weather day in Portland

Zwickel-whaaat?

A Zwickel refers to the spout on the large tanks used by brewers to sample the beer batch prior to bottling. Hence, the name of the event. I was thoroughly blown away about many aspects of this joyous, beer-filled day. The aforementioned Oregon Brewers Guild simply to say, just laid down probably the best beer event in Portland- which is saying something. Only now in it's 3rd year, this event is staged to become the PREMIER beer event in Oregon and gain more notoriety around the country. Similar large scale beer-oriented festivals- such as the Oregon Brew Fest, International BeerFest, etc. offer an average, impersonal experience in comparison. While offering some unique opportunities to taste beers (especially at the International), these events are commercialized, resulting in overcrowding, lengthy wait times, and are pricey. With 28 participating breweries in Portland metro, you can make follow their suggested routes or design your own tour. Zwickelmania offers a great day in Portland, beer tasting aside. Did I mention everything was free? Free shuttle, free tasters, and HUB went big and gave everyone a free pint glass! This event truly is about the beer, not making money hand over fist in a carnival atmosphere on the water front.

Suggestions

If eyeing to take advantage of Zwickelmania next year, consider planning the route in advance. Wear comfortable walking attire. Our day consisted of about 3-4 miles total walking. Bringing a backpack is advised (When we were presented the pint glasses, we luckily were able to slam them into one backpack). Also, many of these places have food offerings but will be quite busy due to the increased foot traffic. Electing to stop at a non-brewery or packing something for sustenance are great options as well. Realistically, you will only be able to get to a portion of the 28, so select wisely where you want to go. As a recreational biker (this is Portland, after all), this event is built for biking and I will probably elect to pedal power around next year's event.

The Journey
Being a proud resident of Southeast Portland (Stand up!), myself and 7 other friends founds ourselves traipsing through this part of town for most of our journey. No one in our group I would call "Beer Connoisseurs", but definitely the majority are big beer fans. Despite our large group size in ratio to shuttle size (8 in our group, vs. the approx. 16 it seats), we were able to fit onto the shuttle the one ride we did take. This event is definitely for anybody over the legal drinking age, and most people seemed to be over 30. As you can see from the picture, it was a beautiful February day in Portland, especially considering we had rain the day before and after. It was surely a sign the gods wanted us to enjoy our beer bathed in beautiful sunlight.

Hopworks Urban Brewery (HUB)

I have a confession to make- I have yet to visit Hopworks, despite living 1/4 mile walk away. This was our 1st destination, due to proximity and shuttle schedule. We were planning to ride the shuttle around to a lot, and arrived to coordinate with it's arrival time. We arrived to a mini-beer garden setup with two beers flowing on tap, a walking tour sign-up sheet, and were bestowed with a pint glass and tickets for tasting. With the lighting up the backside of the building where we were standing, it was at this point that I realized today was going to be awesome. Our plan was to finished at Hopworks, take the tour and taste some of the offerings only available through that method. With this, we set-off on the small shuttle to inner-SE.

Green Dragon

With Green Dragon, which no one in our group had visited before, I didn't know what to expect. We found ourselves in a side room to their main entry where they were sampling hard alcohols. Whoa! Chamomile and hazelnut vodkas, and Trillium Absinthe. I elected to not sample the vodka's, but couldn't resist the Absinthe. It smelled and tasted like black licorice, and with that we went inside their actual business. It had a nice atmosphere, but did not try any of their offerings. Although no beer samples, they seemed to have some unique ones on tap. We hopped across the street to Cascade, and were planning to make it back in time for the shuttle.

Cascade Barrel House

Cascade from what I hear is a fairly new place, and apparently many others had heard this as well. It was pretty packed, but were still able to try all three of their offerings, check out their cooler, in a very reasonable amount of time. With Cascade, it definitely wasn't just hype, as they had 3 sour mash offerings straight out of the barrel (un-carbonated). They had complex names I did not remember (maybe the .2 oz of Absinthe), but basically one was a honey rye, a "spiced" variety in a barrel previously used for bourbon, and the last was raspberry. They were all delicious and very unique. "Sour" may scare some away, but it was a little tart, and somewhat fruity. The Apprisal shall hath not print half-truths. We crossed back over Belmont to Green Dragon to find the shuttle had already left. We decided to take the small jaunt down to Hair of the Dog. At this point, the last traditional beer I had was back at HUB!

Hair of the Dog

We arrived at Hair of the Dog to find it nestled in a very multi use zoned area, and quickly grabbed some seating and made our way into their back room. We were disappointed to find out they didn't start serving food till 2p.m. as many in our group were starting to crave some food to go with the drink. However, the IPA they served was right up my alley. Not overly hopped, as with some IPA's. We departed, crossed over the Willamette and headed a little less than a mile to our next location.

Rock Bottom Brewery

I was a little skeptical of Rock Bottom's participation, as they are a national chain. They however, had a great three beer selection, including a pale ale straight from the tank, pre-carbonation. We had a great time talking to the brewer handling the sampling, and was very accessible. Despite being around lunch time and having a lot of people in the restaurant, not many took advantage of their Zwickelmania participation. This will probably change as this event grows and gains more traction. We enjoyed lunch, actually drank some full size beers, and rested the feet for a minute.

Full Sail

Hidden away is the most secluded brewery of our stop, Full Sail. This satellite location is in the south waterfront area, which features a lot of high-rise and new development. They had two beers on tap, and offered some chocolate to complement the beer (as did most other breweries). I have always enjoyed their beers, and most of their offerings have a nice crisp finish. As the event wrapped up, we took cabs back to our side of town.

Review

For a beer and/or Portland fan, this is a must-do. The vast amount of participation and access was a great experience. There is some room for improvement, such as better route communication and capacity. I can see this improving as this event grows momentum and experience. Another thing is timing, expanded hours would be nice and will probably be necessary to handle the increased interest in this event. I recommend starting as soon as possible, and brushing up on your beer knowledge beforehand. Oh, and keep yourself together, nobody likes dealing with a drunk at 2 p.m.

Post I - Inaugural Address

2011-02-17T14:24:00.000-08:00

The Apprisal
Hear ye, Hear ye. Upon this day it is decreed and declared and set forth with much ado that this is the inaugural posting of The Apprisal. It is a joyous day indeed. What does the Apprisal smell like? Cannon smoke and British Tea dumped in thee Boston Harbour. What does the Apprisal sound like? Freedom ringing over nigh, and endless fields of wheat rustling in the wind.

I didn't catch anything you just said, what are you talking about?
The Apprisal is an online paper that will highlight different topics in a bi-weekly format. Discussion and feedback are welcomed. Topics may include current events, arts & media, opinion pieces, as well as comprehensive delving in a focused article. Any journalism conducted will be hard-hitting in nature. No exceptions.

That sounds great, How can I follow The Apprisal?
The easiest way to follow is to "Like" the Facebook fan page, which will alert you to news postings IN REAL TIME and as well as other important happenings in The Apprisal world. If you have a Google account, you can click "follow" to the right of your screen. If this sounds like some pretty heavy commitment, you can check back approximately every Monday/ Thursday as we will try to stick that schedule.

Why is The Apprisal called "The Apprisal"?
How you phrased that question is very redundant, but we will answer it anyways. In a search for a befitting name such that to accurately represent this paper, many resources were exhausted, namely time. Oh father time, if only we could be put in protective custody of the state. Many names were considered, and disqualification was due mainly on one of two accounts:

1. The web address was spoken for, however the newest post was pre-2005

2. The web address was spoken for, however did not contain any posts

Apprisal is English for "to inform with words". What an apt title for a paper poised to have a lot of information, a lot of words, and therefore the grand ability to inform with words.
And so you see, The Apprisal was born, and born along with also the discretion to italicize "The Apprisal" whenever seen fit.

What Now?
Stayed tuned, check back regularly, and vote in the 1st poll of many: "1st Topic of March". Once upon a time a person muttered "beware the Ides of March" I don't really remember the moral of the story, just that Julius Caesar got stabbed 23 times. Beware indeed.

Thanks for reading!