Strategies for Mitigating a Hippie Pandemic

2012-01-24T04:47:00.001-08:00

Once thought to be eradicated, hippies are re-emerging after over 40 years of dormancy, prompting new interest in preventing potentially lethal and devastating outbreaks. If treated swiftly and effectively, outbreaks of hippies can be controlled and manageable, but never completely cured. The spread of hippies is dangerous and must be stopped.

A Brief History of Hippies

The word “hippie” is derived from the latin word “hee-paez”, literally “to stink and annoy” and was originally used to describe beatniks who had moved into San Francisco’s Haight-Ashbury district, the epicenter of the pandemic. As it grew, hippies centralized in cities such as Berkley, California, Santa Monica, California, Eugene, Oregon, and Seattle, Washington. Following 1967’s “Summer of Love”, virtually the entire west coast of the United States had been infected with hippies. Once a youth movement that began in a small neighborhood, the hippy subculture has now spread throughout the world.

Hippies can devastate communities and health experts remain divided on the best ways to treat and prevent new outbreaks. Scientists urge that the repugnant nature of hippies calls for extreme measures.

Types of Hippies

Hippies are very unpleasant and should be avoided at all costs. Thus, the most effective form of treatment remains aversion. However, if one comes into contact with hippies, they should know which kind they are dealing with, as there are many. Here are the following types of hippies and their descriptions, based on my personal experiences with them:

The “old-school” hippie - Seeing as if the original hippie in it’s true form no longer exists, as they have matured as wised-up, this is the closest relative to the original. These type of hippies will try everything in their power to imitate the original. Symptoms include: smoking marijuana constantly, failure to bathe, a strong scent of patchouli, tie-dye t-shirts, and wearing skirts over jeans.
The “progressive” hippie - The type of hippie spreading the quickest at an alarming rate. These hippies will completely ignore conventional wisdom at all costs, as long as it gives them a reason to feel good about themselves. Symptoms include: shopping at New Seasons, Whole Foods, etc., refusing to use either paper or plastic bags but instead using re-useable bags made of a cloth-like material, driving a Toyota Prius, buying “carbon credits”, and ending sentences with “because Al Gore said so".
The “non-conformist” hippie - This hippie will argue almost anything you say in an effort to appear noble. They have no other purpose in life other than to think of ways to be different, when in reality, they are only joining a larger movement which itself has nearly become the norm. Symptoms include: hating everything about George W. Bush / republicans in general, believing September 11th was planned by the United States government, insisting that all corporations are evil, an extreme interest in communism, and buying posters and t-shirts of Che Guevara.
The “vegetarian/vegan” hippie - According to these hippies, eating any type of animal whatsoever is morally wrong and people who do should be annoyed at the dinner table while doing so by having to listen to them explain the ways animals are treated and killed before being served to them. Symptoms include: a gaunt appearance, a lack of protein, thinning hair, and smugness.
The “college know-it-all hippie” - As featured in an episode of South Park, these hippies are the most dangerous and ignorant (ironically). They believe that since they are enrolled in college (which their parents pay for), they are automatically better and smarter than you. If you hold an opposing viewpoint to theirs, they will quickly discredit everything you have to say and point to the fact that their professor has “really opened their eyes” to the subject and accuse you of being naive because you haven’t been to college yet. I personally have the most experience living near these hippies. Having lived in Eugene, Oregon for the last year and a half, I am constantly bombarded by them. If not careful with your words, they can quickly turn anything you say into a reason for them to talk about what they have learned. They refuse to read any newspaper but The New York Times or listen to any radio station but Air America. They also frequently repeat anything Jon Stewart says and try to pass it off as their own thoughts, which is why most of what they say is biased, and therefore, incorrect. Symptoms include: wearing Birkenstocks regardless of the time of year (often with socks), playing ultimate frisbee in the quad, using shoulder bag backpacks, playing acoustic guitar, and drinking coffee in a Starbucks while using an Apple laptop computer.

Given that there is no known cure for hippies, let us look at potential ways to minimize and control hippie outbreaks.

Diagnosis and Treatment

Here are some, but not all early warning signs that your community may be infected with hippies:

A pungent, acrid smell of coming from seemingly every direction (can be caused by marijuana smoke, patchouli, or the hippie itself)
Signs and labels bearing the words “All-natural, organic, herbal, and holistic”.
Loss of shoes and shirts.
The sound of music from any of the following artists: The Grateful Dead, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan, The Allman Brothers, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, The Doors, Bob Marley, Green Day, Janice Joplin, Carol King, Jefferson Airplane, Jethro Tull, Led Zeppelin, John Lennon, Pink Floyd, Simon & Garfunkel, and The Doors.

Here are some known, effective treatments to stop the progression of hippies:

Keep the affected area clean and dry. - Hippies detest cleanliness and will stay away from it at all costs.
Install a nearby military base. - If it involves patriotism and Americans with guns, hippies will retreat.
Build a church. - 90% of hippies are not religious (at least in the traditional sense) and will avoid a house of God.
Constantly run the Fox News network on the nearest television. - Hippies absolutely despise Fox News, especially Bill O’Reilly. The network’s common sense, reason, and fair and balanced news coverage will deter even the most annoying hippie.

Last but certainly not least, is a very promising treatment. It is a formula consisting of essential oils and chemicals known to repel hippies. If used properly, it can improve the smell and appearance of you and/or a pestering hippie. This, used in conjunction with a daily preventative program has been proven to eliminate hippies from your life. It is called soap.

Like it or not, hippies still exist and are proven to be extremely difficult to get rid of, even after years of attempts. Once infected, a community may never be able to completely eradicate Hippies, especially in light of the new resistant strains. Hippies can survive in a community for decades, only to reappear when stimulated by a liberal protest, music festival, or presidential election. Awareness is paramount, and while hippies remain to be problematic, it is hoped that community involvement and medical funding may someday provide us a cure.

A Patriot's Playbook

Strategies for Mitigating a Hippie Pandemic