Kung Pinoy si Noah….

…Ganito ang mangyayari sa barko. Read along…

Taong 2007 at isang ordinaryong middle class Pinoy si Noah. Nagpakita sa kanya ang Diyos at sinabing Pagkatapos ng isang taon ay bubuhos ang ulan at babahain ang buong kapuluan ng Pilipinas. Gusto kong gumawa ka ng isang malaking arko at isakay mo rito ang pares-pares na mga hayop at mga mag-asawang pilipino sa iba’t ibang kapuluan.”

Ibinigay kay Noah ang “specs” ng arko at taospuso nitong tinanggap ang responsibilidad na sagipin ang sambayanang Pilipino sa napipintong pagbaha.

Lumipas ang 1 taon, muling nagpakita ang Diyos kay Noah. Walang arkong nagawa si Noah at Grrr galit na galit siyang tinanong ng Diyos, “Nasaan ang arko na ipinagawa ko sa iyo? “Tumugon si Noah,”Patawarin po ninyo ako kung di po natupad ang utos ninyo! Nagkaroon po ng malaking problema sa plano po ninyo.”

At inilahad ni Noah ang mga sagabal na nakaharap niya sa pag-gawa ng arko. Humingi siya ng Mayor’s permit pero papayag lang daw si Mayor kung ang gagawa ng arko ay ang construction firm ng kanyang pamangkin. Tumungo siya sa Congressman pero papayag lang daw si Congressman kung may matatanggap siyang 30% commission. Nagtayo ng unyon ang mga kinuha niyang manggagawa at nag-strike.

Natunugan ng mga left-leaning groups ang kanyang balak at ang mga ito ay nag-rally dahil daw sa hindi makatarungang pagpili ng mga taong sasakay sa arko (mga taong naniniwala lang sa Diyos ang pwedeng sumakay). Nakisali sa rally ang mga bakla at tomboy dahil bias daw na normal na mag-asawa lang ang pwedeng sumakay.

Ang civil society group ay nakisali na rin sa gulo dahil napag-alaman daw nila na ang pondong gagamitin sa paggawa ng arko ay galing sa donasyon ng mga gambling lords at katas ng hueteng

Sa kaguluhang ito ay napilitang magpatawag ng hearing ang senado “in aid of legislation”.

Sinubukan ni Noah na gamitin ang EO 464 para makaiwas sa hearing pero dahil hindi sya executive official, napilitan siyang tumistigo.

Nang malaman ng senado na utos ng Diyos ang pagpapagawa ng arko, dineklara nila itong unconstitutional dahil hindi raw nito iginalang ang separation ng church at state.

Nakialam na rin ang NBI at PNP at sinabi nilang meron silang impormasyon na ang barko raw na ito ay gagamitin ni Erap sa kanyang pagtakas. Sinabi naman ng ISAFP at DOJ na ito raw ay gagamitin ng grupong Magdalo sa binabalak nilang coup laban kay Arroyo. Nilapitan ni Noah si Mike Defensor para makipag-usap kay GMA. Payag daw si GMA na ituloy ang arko kung ipapaskil daw sa arko ang malaking mukha ni Arroyo na may slogan “Towards a Strong Republic”.”Hindi po ako pumayag kaya hanggang ngayon po ay may TRO ang pag-gawa ng arko.

Sa palagay ko po kailangan ko pa ng 10 taon para matapos ang inyong proyekto”. Ang huling wika ni Noah. Napa-iling ang Diyos at sinabing, “Di ko na kailangang wasakin pa ang bansang ito. Hayaan ko na lang kayong sumira nito.”

gigabyte: wow! ambango mo naman!
joevic: (kinikilig!) talaga ano amoy ko?
gigabyte: amoy tinapay.
joevic: talaga?!? anung tinapay naman???
gigabyte: putok!!!

a balikbayan pinoy and his son are walking in the metro when a mendicant ask for some spare change

dad: go away hit soil!
son: pa ano yung hit soil?
dad: bobo mo naman anak! hampas lupa lang di mo alam
mendicant: EYE POOR!
dad: anong EYE POOR?!
mendicant: MATAPOBRE! bobo…

a very scary story:
Ipinanganak sa isang tagong baryo ang isang sanggol na my naka2kilabot na katangian. Sa 1 araw palang ng pagkasilang nito ay nakpagsalita na kaagad at bawat pangalan na masambit ay namamatay. Takot na takot ang mag asawa na matawag cla ng ma2 at papa, hanggang sa 1 araw nabanggit ng sanggol ang mama at namatay ang ina nito, sa bawat araw na dumaraan ikinatatakot ng ama nito na mabanggit naman xia, at nagsalita ito ng papa at

namatay ang kapitbahay nila..

Ale: Palimos po!
Girl: Eto ang tinapay…
Ale: Ay ayaw ko nyan gusto ko Cake!
Girl: Ang arte mo naman nagpapalimos ka lang!
Ale: Haller birthday ko kaya ngayon…

Girl: Patay na raw GF mo?
Boy: Oo. :((
Girl: Pwede ako na lang pumalit sa kanya?

.

.

.

Boy: Kung papayag ang funerarya.

Wasak

Girl: Ngayon ang Heart Surgery ko di ba?

Boy: oo, Ngayon nga. *hug*

Girl: I love you babe.

Boy: I love you so much more baby.

……After surgery, nagising siya at yung tatay niya lang ang nasa tabi niya.

Girl: Asan si……….

Father: Di mo alam kung sino nagbigay sayo ng puso mo?!

Girl: Siya ba? (Started to cry)

Father: Joke lang, nasa cr siya

Hahaha….

AMO: Inday, bakit sunog ang tenga mo?

INDAY: Kasi may tumawag po kanina eh, napagkamalan ko pong telepono yung plantsa! Wrong number naman pala!

AMO: Eh bakit dalawang tenga mo nasunog?

INDAY: Eh kasi po tumawag ulit yung TANGA!

A pinoy cannibal went out to eat, he sat down & scanned d menu:

Adobong pulis: P250
Nilagang doktor: P170
Pritong guro: 120
Inihaw na politico 800
Nilagang FG (first gentleman): P1k
Customer: “Bakit mahal ang nilagang FG?”
Owner: “Kasi, sa sobrang kapal ng mukha at balat, MATAGAL PAKULUAN!”

Ben : Doktora, malabo na yata ang mga mata ko.
Doktora : Tingnan mo ang legs ko.
Ben : Wala pa rin ho.
Doktora : Tingnan mo ang panty ko.
Ben : Wala pa rin ho.
Doktora : Loko! Bakit bumubukol ang pantalon mo!?

SA RESTAURANT.

Waiter: Ano po order nila sir?
……
AMO: Ung whole roasted chicken nalang. Ikaw inday, ano order mo?
MAID: I would like to partake of a dish that is sauteed pork & chicken & soy sauce & veggies, like carrots, cauliflower & baguio beans with spices & spring onion & rice.

Waiter: Huh?

.

.

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AMO: Chopseuy daw! damihan mo nang vetsin para mamatay tong hayop na to!…

Have you guys heard the new version of “Bahay Kubo”

Sing along…. BAHAY KUBO 2011 Version.

(go ahead sing it…)

Bahay Condo, kahit munti
…ang mga Gadgets doon ay sari sari
Flat screen na TV, Blu-Ray DVD
………IPOD, IPAD, IPHONE.

Laptop na malaki, Laptop na maliit
at saka meron pa, portable MP3
Digicam, Videocam, WIFI at HD
sa paligid – ligid ay puno ng …. Chargeeeerrrr!

juan: anong ulam niyo?
maria: blanched green leafy vegie with crushed sweet tomato in sparkling salted sea food.
juan: WOW!!! ang sarap naman nun. Anu yun?
maria: ahmm.. talbos ng kamote at bagoong na may pinigang kamatis.
kayo anong ulam niyo?
juan: fish fillet de el’niño.
maria: (impressed!) Wow! sosyal huh.. anu naman yun.

juan: tuyo!!!

Boy:unan ka ba?
Girl:[kinikilig] bakit? malambot ba ako?

boy:ndi amoy panis na laway ka kasi

GIRL1: (nakain ng nagaraya) gusto mu teh??

GIRL2: ayoko teh ..

GIRL1: bakit naman teh?

GIRL2: tinitigyawat kasi ako sa mani eh

GIRL1: (nanguya) talaga teh? ako sa mukha lang

Boy: Sir,pwede ko po bang ligawan ang anak nyo?

Tatay: kaya mo ba syang buhayin?

Boy:ha?patay na po ba sya?

Sa daan:

BOY: Lola, ingat po kau. Nangangagat ho ang aso dyan.

LOLA: Alam ko iho. Sa tanda kong ito wala pa akong nakitang nanununtok na aso

?”Darling, ni-rape ako ng gorilya sa bundok!” hangos na sumbong ng asawang babae.

“Walanghiyang gorilya `yon, teka nga!” sigaw ng lalaki sabay layas para umakyat sa bundok.

Pagkalipas ng isang oras, bumalik ang lalaki.

“Naipaghiganti na kita, Darling,” sabi ng lalaki.

“Napatay mo na `yung gorilya?” tanong ng babae.

“Hindi, Darling, ni-rape ko rin `yung asawa niya!”

Juan: Oys, ano yan? Pinya? Pahingi naman dyan.
Pedro: Pahingi? Nasaan ka noong nagbubungkal ako ng lupa sa ilalim ng init ng araw? Nasaan ka noong nagtatanim ako habang kumukulog, kumikidlat at bumubuhos ang malakas na ulan? Nasaan ka noong oras na nag-aani ako na nagkalat ang maraming ahas sa dadaanan ko, noong naghihirap ako sa pagpasan ng pinya? Nasaan ka?
Juan: Nakakulong kasi ako noon! Nakapatay ako ng madamot!
Pedro: Ganun ba?
Kuha ka na, kahit ilan!
May langka pa doon!

==========

Erap was at a black tie party along with Reli German who supplied him with a constant flow of Blue Label. All the gentlemen came in black jackets, white shirts and black ties and the ladies in black gowns.

Erap thought it was a boring party so he kept drinking his Blue Label to get him through the night. Then he saw a lady in a white gown.

“Reli, that’s the lady I like,” Erap said.
“She is a non-conformist and a rebel. I think I will ask her to dance.” “Madam, would you care to dance with the President of the Republic?” Erap asked.

The lady replied, “No, and I will give you 3 reasons why.
Reason No. 1, I don’t know how to dance.”
“That’s a legitimate reason,” Erap remarked.
“Reason No. 2, you are drunk,” the lady continued.
“That’s your opinion,” Erap said.
“Reason No. 3, I am Cardinal Sin.”

=============

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, applications such as Deiwanya 10.3, Hadahavya 7.5, and Shaalaih 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications, and I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0.

Please help, Thank you

A troubled User

===========

Dear troubled User

This is a very common problem that men complain about, Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it’s just a Utilities and Entertainment program, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING!! , It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0, You can’t uninstall or purge program files from the system once installed.

Look in your Wife 1.0 User’s Manual under “Warning-Alimony/ Child Support”. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation, and I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter this command c:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give this command before the system returns to normal.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance, Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as: Clean and Sweep 3.0, CookIt 1.5, and Do Grocery 4.2

However, be very careful how to use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the Nag Nag 9.5 program, and once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, should you try to re-install Girlfriend 7.0 in a back up file. Everything from your back-up files to your main files will automatically be deleted by the self probing program of Wife 1.0 called ILL KILL U BOTH 101

kapag magkasama,huwag garapal sa kas-sweet-an.smack lng sa cheek ok na.
Kapag nakainom ng red horse,wag magpakalasing,kasi,bka maisipan nyong mangabayo.
Iwasang maging mapusok at mahalay para siguradong makapagtapos ng pag-aaral.
Kung nursing ang kurso ninyo, wag praktisin ang pagbabakuna sa isat isa.
Ang school i.d. Ay hindi ginagamit para maka-discount sa motel.
Kung bagong taon o may pagdiriwang tandaan magpaputok lng sa labas.
Kapag naputukan, wag mag panik. Pwedeng false alarm lng yan.
Wag kumain ng tahong kapag may redtide.
Kapag mainit at kayong dalawa lng,alam nyo na.
Kapag malamig,umuulan at kayo lng,alam na rin.

Items For Sale : Desktops/Pre-built

Pentium4 PC Ugly but amazing
PHP 3700.00

ALREADY USED with PERSONAL WARRANTY

Posted by psikogeek on Oct 06 2010 12:26 PM
100% – 2 POSITIVE feedback, 0% – 0 NEGATIVE feedback
Location: Contact Number: Not Specified

If I do not like you, I will not sell to you.

This is only a partial PC with one GREAT component; The Power supply is a fanless heatpiped Thermaltake with that weighs so much that you would need a doctor if you dropped it on your foot.

PROCESSOR: Intel Pentium4 2.8GHz LGA775. It is fast enough to be useful. Not a dual core processor although you will not notice.

POWER SUPPLY: ThermalTake 350W fanless heatpiped power supply that cost more than this entire system costs now. Look:

Maxx6740 suggests that I sell this by itself. Look at it here .
If someone wants it, I\’ll have to break up these components. It would be good for an HTPC, but you can get more efficient ones today for P2000. Also, it is not the Active Power Correction variety.
Because it has no fan, I have two fans on the back of the case although I only have one powered.

MOTHERBOARD: ECS P4M800-M7 motherboard with integrated graphics, sound, and network. It is nothing special except that it works and came with Windows XP from another box.

RAM: 1GB of DDR400 (512×2) DUAL pair by Crucial. I bought the two Dimms long ago and they have nice heat sinks, but they are old tech by now. The other pair of these I just sold for P750 and they attract a lot of interest.

HARD DISK: Two old 120GB Maxtor drives. They have not failed me in 5 years, but I can read; they have a bad reputation. Therefore, I copied one onto the other as a kind of backup insurance.

OPERATING SYSTEM: this Motherboard and HD came from a system that had Windows XP Pro. I can\\\’t find the CD. I\\\’ll edit this post if I find it.

CASE: OMG!!!! It is pathetic. You should hide this computer from your friends. This case is so cheap and flimsy that I am afraid to pick it up unless the side panels are fixed with two screws each. To make matters worse, I drilled many holes in it; that is duct tape you see in the picture to cover some of the holes.

CD DRIVE: some cheap samsung CD only.

KETCHUP: There is no ketchup. You might see DelMonte Sweet Chili Sauce. I have grown to like it. Does anyone have any DelMonte Sweet n Sour sauce?

TO REITERATE: This PC does not run on Ketchup as fuel. I\’ve heard that it does like to feed on small children though……………

I break down the components this way:
Case 0800
ram 0750
PS 1500
CPU 0800
MB 0800
HDs 1600
CD 300
————-
total 6450

I have a Watt meter and I find this system. It consumes 75 Watts when idle under Windows XP Pro with only one drive powered. Electricity is expensive.

I will try to add SOLD to this post when it is sold.

This computer needs a display, a keyboard, a and a mouse to be complete.

I am pricing this to be a deal. IF I DO NOT LIKE YOU, I WILL NOT SELL MY NICE COMPUTER CASE TO YOU. Tell me why I should sell to you.

Thanks to all viewers for not texting me too much.

DO NOT CALL AS I CANNOT HEAR MUCH, but DO NOT TEXT ME LIGHTLY! I do not like texting.
Use English only in text of
UGLY and tell me why I should be nice to you.
to me at 0921 368-6909 or message me here.
The best times to get a response would be from 7AM to 12 NOON and 7PM to 10PM.

TOP 10 Reasons A Filipino-American Cannot Be President Of The USA – David Letterman

10. The White House is not big enough for in-laws and extended relatives.

9. There are not enough parking spaces at the White House for 2 Honda Civics, 2 Toyota Land Cruisers, 3 Toyota Corollas, a Mercedes Benz, a BMW , and an MPV (My Pinoy Van).

8. Dignitaries generally are intimidated by eating with their fingers at State dinners.

7. There are too many dining rooms in the White House – where will they put the picture of the Last Supper?

6. The White House walls are not big enough to hold a pair of giant wooden spoon and fork

5. Secret Service staff won’t respond to :psst… psst” or “hoy…hoy…hoy”

4. Secret Service staff will not be comfortable driving the presidential car with a Holy Rosary hanging on the rear view mirror, or the statue of the Santo Nino on the dashboard.

3. No budget allocation to purchase a Karaoke music-machine for every room in the White House.

2. State dinners do not allow ‘Take Home’.

AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY THERE COULDN’T BE A FILIPINO-AMERICAN U.S. PRESIDENT IS……

1. Air Force One does not allow overweight Balikbayan Boxes.

Si Juan ay nag-Saudi at naisipang takasan ang kalupitan ng kanyang mga Amo. Sa kagipitan, ipinasya niyang tawirin ang disyerto at humanap ng magandang kapalaran sa kalapit na bansa.

Sa kanyang konting ipon, bumili siya ng Camel at gamit sa paglalakbay at dahil di niya alam paluhurin ang Camel para sakyan, nagdala na rin siya ng hagdanan.

Ikatlong araw sa paglalakbay sinumpong si Juan
ng matinding pangangailangan. Sawa na siyang magparaos sa pamamagitan ng kanyang kamay kaya ipinasya niyang pagparausan ang Camel (total
nasa gitna siya ng disyerto at wala namang makakakita sa kanya).

Dahil mataas ang Camel, gumamit siya ng hagdan, ngunit sa tuwing tatangkain niyang ‘ipasok’ nakikiliti and Camel at humamakbang kaya si Juan ay nahuhulog. Ganoon ng ganoon hanggang sa magsawa si Juan sa pagtatangka at ipinasya niyang magpatuloy sa paglalakbay. Ganoon pa man, hindi matanggal ang kanyang pagnanasa na makaraos sa kanyang pangangailangan.

Ika-limang araw sa paglalakbay ng makakakita siya ng napaka-gandang Pinay na hinahabol ng mga Arabyano.

“Tulungan niyo po ako” ang sigaw ng Pinay, “gusto nila akong pagsamantalahan at patayin.”

Pinagtitirador ni Juan ang mga humahabol at iniligtas ang kababayang Pinay. Ang Pinay nagpapasalamat.

“Salamat po at iniligtas ninyo ako, utang ko sa inyo ang aking buhay, at gagawin ko po ang kahit na ano bilang pasasalamat.”

“Talaga?”, ang tanong ni Juan.

“Opo, kahit po ano gagawin ko para sa inyo”.

“Talaga, kahit na ano?”, paniguradong tanong ni Juan na tumutulo na ang laway sa pagnanasa.

“Opo, kahit po ano”.

“Kung ganoon, PLEASE !! PAKI NGA HAWAKAN ANG CAMEL”.

TO ALL PINOY KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 50′s, 60′s, 70′s and early 80′s!

First, some of us survived being born to mothers who did not have an OB-Gyne, smoked and/or drank San Miguel Beer or Syoktong, while they carried us. The manghihilot was the cheapest way to deliver babies. Dinala ka ba ng nanay mo sa pediatrician for DPT? While pregnant, they took cold or cough medicine, cortal or medicol, ate isaw, and didn’t worry about diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after all that trauma, our baby cribs were made of hard wood covered with lead-based paints, pati na yung walker (andador) natin, matigas na kahoy or rattan at wala pang gulong.

We had no soft cushy cribs that play music, no disposable diapers (lampin lang), ( noon cloth or rattan duyan lang tied to the posts or ceiling, babies fell asleep sa sobrang hilo ) and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, no kneepads, sometimes wala pang preno yung bisikleta.

Take-out food was limited to Ongpin’s pansit or Aling Toyangs pre-cooked ulam in kalderos. No pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway, Jollibee; and, coffee was just kape hinde ga-mahal as in Starbucks.
As children, we would ride in jeepneys libre, pag kandong, hot un-airconditioned buses with wooden seats (yung JD bus na pula), or cars with no airconditioning & no seat belts (ngayon lahat may aircon na)

Riding on the back of a carabao on a breezy summer day was considered a treat. (ngayon hindi na nakakakita ng kalabaw ang mga bata) Did you make your own saranggola and pasted bubog on the strings?

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle purchased from 711(minsan straight from the faucet or poso) walang 711 noon, sari-sari store ni Mang Akong to buy sarsi, suntan, RC cola or choco-vim.

We shared one soft drink bottle with four of our friends, and NO ONE actually died from this or contracted hepatitis.

We ate rice with star margarine, pampatangkad daw, took raw eggs straight from the shell, and drank softdrinks with real sugar in it (hindi diet coke), but we weren’t sick or overweight kasi nga…….

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, and get back when the streetlights came on. Sarap mag patintero, tumbang preso, habulan at taguan. Natatandaan mo ba PIKO, step-no-step- yes, trumpo, garter & mala-ahas sa haba na goma? Kung naulan naman, jackstones, pick-up sticks or sungka, bahay-bahayan, tinda-tindahan, titser-teacher- an or swimming sa baha or kangkungan.

No one was able to reach us all day (di uso ang cellphone, walang beepers). And yes, we were O.K.. Sipol lang ni tatay ang meron noon!

We would spend hours building our wooden trolleys (yung bearing ang gulong) or plywood slides out of scraps and then ride down the street, only to find out we forgot the brakes! After hitting the sidewalk or falling into a canal (sewage channel) a few times, we learned to solve the problem ourselves with our bare & dirty hands.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 100 channels on cable, no DVD movies, no surround stereo, no IPOD’s, no cellphones, no computers, no Internet, no chat rooms, and no Friendsters, Facebook. MSN etc. ……… …WE HAD REAL FRIENDS and we went outside to actually talk and play with them! TV viewing was a treat, kilala mo ba si Popeye, Gumby, Betty Boop & followed the bouncing ball in Melody Tunes? That was karaoke then, LOL!
We climbed walls and trees (to get aratiles and catch salagubang & tutubi – tied them on the neck with a string), fell out of trees, got cut or “bukol”, broke bones and teeth and there were no stupid lawsuits from these accidents. The only rubbing we get is from our friends with the words..masakit ba ? pero pag galit yung kalaro mo,,,,ang sasabihin sa iyo..beh buti nga !

We played marbles (jolens) in the dirt , washed our hands just a little and ate dirty ice cream, fish balls & inihaw na baga. We were not afraid of getting sick or germs in our stomachs.

We had to live with homemade guns, gawa sa kahoy, tinali ng rubberband , sumpit , tirador at kung ano ano pa na puedeng makasakitan, pero masaya pa rin ang lahat. We made up games with sticks (syatong), and cans (tumbang preso) and although we were told they were dangerous, wala naman tayong binulag o napatay… paminsan minsan may nabubukulan lang.

We walked a lot, rode bikes, or took tricycles to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them to jump out the window!

Mini basketball teams had tryouts and not everyone made to the team. Those who didn’t pass had to learn to deal with the disappointment. Wala iyang mga childhood depression at damaged self esteem ek-ek na yan. Ang pikon, talo.

Ang magulang ay nandoon lang para tingnan kung ayos lang ang mga bata, hindi para makialam at makipag-away sa ibang parents.

That generation of ours has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, creative thinkers and successful professionals ever! They are the CEO’s, Engineers, Doctors and Military Generals of today.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had failure, success, and responsibility. We learned from our mistakes the hard way.

You might want to share this with others who’ve had the luck to grow up as real kids. We were lucky indeed.

BONGBONG: can we talk?
NOYNOY: who you?
BONGBONG: kapal mo! you deleted my number na?
NOYNOY: ***** ka pala eh. sino ka ba?
BONGBONG: ****! senator BONGBONG here.
NOYNOY: *** ka! why would i have your #?

BONGBONG: di ka ba talaga pwedeng makausap nang matino?
NOYNOY: di tayo close, you know that!
BONGBONG: ulol! we have a lot of things in common, tandaan mo ‘yan.
NOYNOY: magkaiba tayo.

BONGBONG: ‘di ah! pangalan pa lang natin, pareho na! bong-bong! noy-noy!
NOYNOY: tanga! anong pareho dun!? magkaiba ‘yon. ferdinand ka, benigno ako.
BONGBONG: see? kapangalan pa natin ang ating mga ama.
NOYNOY: bobo! junior ka, the third ako. malaki ang difference no’n.

BONGBONG: pati sa mga kapatid natin, may similarity tayo. ‘yong panganay naming si ate IMEE: saksakan nang ‘tigas ng ulo noong dalaga. kapag nagustuhan ang lalaki, nagrerebelde.
NOYNOY: sira! hindi ganun ang panganay naming si ate ballsy.
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha! sinong may sabing si ballsy ang tinutukoy ko?
NOYNOY: huwag mong idamay si viel, tahimik ‘yon.
BONGBONG: sige na nga. regards na lang kay kris. joke!
NOYNOY: namemersonal ka na!
BONGBONG: ikaw ang nagsimula!

NOYNOY: fault ko pa? sino bang sumisira sa diwa ng edsa? singapore your face! I’ve got two words for you: “martial law!”
BONGBONG: ah gano’n? babalikan na naman natin ang nakaraan? do not provoke me!
NOYNOY: really? here’s another: “marcos cronies!”
BONGBONG: pakyu ka! “kamag-anak incorporated!”

NOYNOY: “plaza miranda bombing!”
BONGBONG: “mendiola massacre!” hoy! wala kang alam sa history! si joma sison ang nambomba sa plaza miranda! ‘yon ang nasa libro ni ka jovy salonga!
NOYNOY: ah basta!
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha naubusan ka na ng bala!

NOYNOY: noong panahon ng tatay mo, walang freedom of the press!
BONGBONG: noong panahon ng nanay mo, walang kuryente!

NOYNOY: marcos billions sa europa!
BONGBONG: whatever! hacienda luisita!
NOYNOY: engot! in five years, ipapamahagi na namin ‘yon!
BONGBONG: i don’t believe you! gawin mo muna!

NOYNOY: wala ka na sa Bagong Lipunan. wake up!
BONGBONG: wala ka na sa poder ng nanay mo, grow up!

NOYNOY: teka nga! bakit ka ba text nang text?
BONGBONG: eh bakit reply ka nang reply?
NOYNOY: ano ba talagang gusto mo?
BONGBONG: simple lang, state funeral and an honorable burial para sa aking tatay sa Libingan ng mga Bayani.

NOYNOY: that’s not for me to decide.
BONGBONG: i’m not surprised.
NOYNOY: what do you mean?
BONGBONG: wushuuu! aminin mo, hindi naman talaga ikaw ang nagdedecide sa government kundi ang mga taong nakapaligid sa ‘yo eh!

NOYNOY: that’s democracy.
BONGBONG: that’s weakness.

NOYNOY: hindi ako diktador!
BONGBONG: oops, i’m sorry mr. symbolic president.
NOYNOY: sumusobra ka na! ang pagiging sobra ang dahilan kung bakit kayo pinalayas ng people power sa edsa. you’re way out of line!

BONGBONG: out of line??? no! we’re so back! isa sa senado, isa sa kamara at isang gobernadora.
NOYNOY: WALANG STATE BURIAL!
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha, now you’re talking! fine!

NOYNOY: tapusin na natin ‘tong usapang ‘to. stop txting me!
BONGBONG: agad? i’m just warming up.
NOYNOY: maghanap ka ng kausap mo.
BONGBONG: may ipapakilala akong chick. 25 lang. maputi, mahilig sa jazz music.
NOYNOY: huwag mo akong daanin sa babae. sa dami ng problema ng bansa these days, women are the least of my concerns.
BONGBONG: talaga? ok. fine. bye!
NOYNOY: sandali lang!!! chinita ba?

Silence.. (Note: BONGBONG Marcos didn’t reply. An aide said, “Na-check operator services po si Sir.”)

GF: napuyat ako kagabi.
BF: bakit naman?
GF: nananaginip ka kagabi, tapos nagsasalita ka puro pangalan ng mga babae ang sinasabe mo!
BF: O panu ka napuyat?

GF: kakaintay ng pangalan ko! hayop ka!
__________________________________________________ ____________

Kinder garten:
a 3 yrs old kinder garten s2dnt
…
s2dnt:”mam nabubuntis po ba ung 38 yrs old?”
titser:”dpende kung nagmemens pa xa”
…s2dnt:”eh mam ung 23 p0?”
titser:”xempre!”
s2dnt:”eh h0w ab0ut 17?”
titser:”yes!!”
s2dnt:”eh ung 3 yrs old po?”
titser:”xempre hnd!!!!!”
(a s2dnt clasm8 whisper)
boy:”sabi ko sau eh,kaya wag kang magalala”

__________________________________________________ ____________

Der were 3 kids in stage reciting their country’s alphabet.

Kano: “Ei Bee Si Dih Ee”

Pinoy: “Ah Bah Ka Da Eh”
……
Bumbay: “Di Bi Di, Bi Ci Di, Em Pi Tri.”
__________________________________________________ ___________

BEER is better than MILK… WHY????
…kasi ang barkada nanglilibre ng BEER…

ehh ang MILK mayroon na bang
…nanglibre sayo???
AT SINABI….
TARA TOL DEDE TAYO???!!!!!
ang sagwa ahahaha
__________________________________________________ ______

ALLOWANCE-force that motivates you to go to school
BONUS-the key to pass the exam
ID-alternative ruler to draw a straight line
STUDYiNG-causes sleepiness faster than a sleeping pill
UNIFORM-where you wipe your hands after going to cr
……TOMORROW-deadline
CLINIC-home of best actors and actresses
BREAK-most enjoyable subject
BALLPEN-device used to draw something on the desk
NERDS-bestfriends during exam

———- ———-

ALLOWANCE-force that motivates you to go to school
BONUS-the key to pass the exam
ID-alternative ruler to draw a straight line
STUDYiNG-causes sleepiness faster than a sleeping pill
UNIFORM-where you wipe your hands after going to cr
……TOMORROW-deadline
CLINIC-home of best actors and actresses
BREAK-most enjoyable subject
BALLPEN-device used to draw something on the desk
NERDS-bestfriends during exam
__________________________________________________

meaning of,
ABCDEFG
A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl.
.
.
….
.. reverse the meaning of,
GFEDCBA
Girls Forgot Everything Done & Catches new Boy Again.
__________________________________________________ _______

Bata: Ale, pabili po ng isang juice ung litro pack.

Ale: Alin yung powder?.

-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Bata: Bakit?. May Bareta po ba?
——————————————————–

Buyer: Magkano kambing?
Muslim: Isang libo.
Buyer: Ha? mahal naman! 800 nalang.
Muslim: Di pwede, sabi ASAWA ko wag benta pag di libo.
Buyer: Ganon?! Kalahati libo?
…Muslim: Yan! Pwede na.
————————————————————

Mom: Ayusin mo kama mo
Boy: Nay, bakit pa? Eh magugulo din naman yan ulit.

* DINNER TIME *

…Boy: Nay, san ung dinner ko?
Mom: Ba’t pa kita papakainin? Magugutom ka naman ulit.

———- ———-

doc:nurse,nasaan na ung sunod na pasyente?
nurse:pinauwi Ko na po,doc…
doch bkit?
…
nurse:eh,masama daw po ang pakiramdam eh..
———————————————————————————

Anako0d evening po tay!
Tatay:ba’t ngayon ka lang umuwi?alas nuwebe na..
Anak:dami po kcng gnagawa sa school,mga projects,sports tap0s ngmeeting pa po kami,member aq ng SSC sa school kaya yun..
…
Tatay:wag mu nga akong lokohin,ehh kinder kpa lang
———————————————————————————

sa tamlay ng buhay pag ibig ko…
.
.
.
.
….
“PAG IHI N LANG ANG NGIGING DAHILAN
PARA KILIGIN AKO!!
————————————————————————-

Do the following…

1.Got to the google translator
…2.Click from “english” to “vietnamese”
3.Write: Will Justin Bieber ever get hit puberty.
…
4.Copy the vietnamese sentence that appeared in your screen
5.Now make it from “vietnamese” to “english”
6.Paste the viatnamese sentence.

LIKE IT IF U GET IT AND LAUGH.
——————————————————————–

BOY: May I hold ur hand?
GIRL: no thanks, di naman sya heavy.
—————————————————————

bakit hndi gwing herbal medicine ang makahiya ?..
.
.
.
.
.
.
para may lunas sa mga taong, MAKAKAPAL ANG MUKHA !
———————————————————————–

lalaki: sir welcome po .!
diego: ano b nman tong mga tinda nyong paintings . ang papangit!
lalaki: ay sir. salamin po ang tinda nmin
————————————————————————-

Nene: nay pinatambling ako kanina sa school
Nanay: g*g*!! gusto lang nila makita panty mo!!!
…
Nene: Alam ko!!! kaya nga tinago sa bag yung panty ko eh..

———- ———-

Inday: Father, i confess, everytime i look at other women during mass, i realize i’m the prettiest girl in the church! is that a sin?

Priest: No inday, it’s a joke…
———————————————————————–

ANAK: tay, cno po ang mas matalino? ang tatay o ang anak?
TATAY: syempre ang tatay!
ANAK: sino po ang nag imbento ng telepono?
TATAY: c alexander graham bell…

…ANAK: bakit hndi ung tatay nya?
——————————————————————————

Juan sa Starbucks….
Juan: waiter!!!
waiter: yes sir?
Juan: One coffee please…
waiter: decaf sir?
….
.
.
.
.
Juan: Syempre de cup! bobo naman ng waiter na to!!…
bakit may nakaplato bang kape ha?!
————————————————————————–

TATAY: ipasa mo yung exan mo ha! pag di ka pumasa wag mo na akong tatawaging tatay!
JUAN: opo nman tay!
(Pag-uwi ni Juan)
TATAY: oh? kamusta exam mo?
JUAN: ayos nman dude..
——————————————————————————

Boy 1: Pre, naholdup ako muntik pa ako mamatay!
Boy 2: Bakit, di kaba humingi ng tulong?
Boy 1: nagtext ako sa pulis station!
Boy 2: Bakit, anong reply?
Boy 1: haynaku, ito reply! “Hu u? wer did you get my no??”
—————————————————————————-

BOY: bakit parang takot na takot ka?
GIRL: syempre muntik nkong ma-rape jan sa kanto. buti nalang may pera ako..
BOY: so binigay mo nalang pera mo?
…
GIRL: ndi ahh! nag-motel kami.. nakakhiya kaya kung jan lang sa gilid gilid.
——————————————————————————

sa gubat, umiihi si JUAN…

JUAN: pare, nakagat ng COBRA t1t1 ko, help!!!
…
PEDRO: teka tawag ako sa doktor (dial sa CP) doc, nakagat ng COBRA kaibigan ko, anu gagawin ko?
…
DOC: sipsipin mo yung sugat para mawala yung lason.

JUAN: anu sabi???

PEDRO: MAMATAY KA NA LANG DAW!!!
—————————————————————————–

Boy: Hello!
Girl: Hello!
Boy: Kumain ka na?
Girl: Kumain ka na?
Boy: Ginagaya mo ba ko?
Girl: Ginagaya mo ba ko?

Boy: I love you!

Girl: Tara, kain na tayo!
———————————————————————–

HONEYMOON:

Wife: Hon wag mo ako bibiglain ha? I’m still a virgin
Husband: You mean ako ang una?
Wife: Yes, do it na.
Husband: I did it na, kanina pa!!

Wife: Ah ganon ba? Aray pala, Aray. Ooh. Ahhh.
——————————————————————————-

Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
…
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh… Lumalaban!!
———————————————————————————

Salesgirl: Sir, you can’t smoke here.
Customer: But I bought this cigar from your store.
Salesgirl: Hello? We also sell condoms but it doesn’t mean …you can fu*ck here.
———————————————————————————-

gwapo ngtxt: labs, paload nman P100.
bakla: ok!
(ngmmadling mghanap ng loading area)
…
bakla: narceive mo na labs?
gwapo: HU U?

 

Napanood mo ang Lion King.
Nanonood ka noon ng Hirayamanawari at Sineskwela.
Pag nagkikita kayo ng kalaro mo,ginagaya nyo ang Power Rangers
Pag babae ka, nakabili ka ng mga paper dolls na tig pipiso na may mga damit pa.
Nagpalobo ka ng plastic balloon na dinadamihan mo pa para malaki.
Sinubukan mo isara ang refrigerator nang dahan dahan para makita kung mamamatay ang ilaw.
Napapanood mo ang Mari Mar na original dahil pinapanood ng parents mo pag gabi.
Kilala mo sila Julio at Julia
Pag may kaya, merong Gameboy
Kinanta nyo ang Jubilee Song.
Kinakanta nyo dati ang World Youth day theme na “Tell the World of His Love”, kahit mali ang lyrics nyo.
Natapos nyo ng ilang beses ang Super Mario sa family computer.
Nalaro nyo ang Super Contra at Pacman
Pag 4:30 pm na, ANG TV na!
Gusto mo dati magkaron ng tamagochi.
Sumayaw ka ng Macarena.
naging kolektor ako ng pogs
naadik at nangarap ng Playstation1
nakahiligan ang B’t X, si Blue Blink at si Zenki
napaindak sa saliw ng kantang Macarena
nakilala si Marimar dahil sa adik na adik kong ina
naging idol sina backstreetboys, westlife, at boyzone

 

“POINT GUARD”
-mahiL¡G magpaSS ng tagay..

“THE TRANSPORTER”
-palipaT-lipat ng pwest0..¡Was tagay..

“THE MARTYR”
-nagpapanggap n kaya pa kahit sengLoT na..

“KID SENTI”
-dami naaalala pg nakainUm na..

“THE HoLLOWMAN”
-nagLalah0ng parang buLa…

“KUNG FU”
-kungFumuLuTan malupet,tirador ng puLutan,ginagawang p¡Cn¡C..

“THE CHOSEN ONE”
-official runner sa tindhan, biLi y0sì,yelo @ alak..

“SPIDERMAN”
-gumagpang n sa daAn pg umuwi dahl s kalaCngan”

” The JUKEBOX”
- mahilig kumanta, pwede ng pagtyagaan lalo na kung walang sound system o kaya brownout, gitara lang ayos na, o kaya acapella na lang.

Bakit maitim ang singit, gayong di naman ito naarawan?

San banda ang Pateros sa katawan ng isang babae?

Ano ang burnik?

ang octopus po ba may gilagid?

American – Amerikano
Italian – Italyano
Japanese – Hapones
Eh bakit yung German…. ALEMAN???

bakit may lock ang mga pintuan ng 7-11 e hindi naman ito nagsasara?

Sino umimbento ng “free gift” e lahat naman ng gift ay free?

pwede ba mag softdrinks pag coffee break?

Ang uod ba pag namatay ay inu-uod din?

Pwede ka bang sumigaw ng pabulong?

At bumulong ng pasigaw?

Magpuyat sa umaga?

Pano mag halfday sa trabaho kapag night shift ang trabaho mo?

Bakit ang ABCD at twinkle twinkle little STAR parehas ng tono?

panu mo malalaman kung ubos na ang invisible ink mo?

bakit ang blackboard eh kulay green?

pag nabuhusan ka ba ng invisible ink, magiging invisible din ba?

sa luncheon meeting ba luncheon meat ang inihahanda?

bakit ang taba ng barbeque palaging nasa hulihan?

ang lason ba pag na expire nakakalason pa din?

bakit sa pineapple wala akong makitang pine, wala ring apple?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

kung yung plural ng tooth ay teeth bakit yung plural ng booth ay hindi beeth?

bakit eggplant ang tawag e wala namang egg?

kung itanim natin yung egg magiging “eggplant”?

bakit kapag CLOSE kayo ng isang tao, OPEN kayo sa isa’t isa?

ang lamok ba kapag natutulog nilalamok din?

pwede bang maglagay ng baon mo pang dinner or breakfast sa lunchbox?

Bakit buo ang Sky Flakes? di ba dapat pag flakes, durog siya?

If pro is the opposite of con, is congress the opposite of progress?

If you expect the unexpected, wouldn’t the unexpected be expected?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

pano matulog ang kuba?

Bakit ang patay na tao, inuuod?
Bakit ang patay na uod, di tinatao?

Bakit kulay green ang bluemer?

bakit ang HOTDOG eh hindi gawa sa DOG/ASO?

Bakit walang orasan sa CASINO LAS VEGAS

bakit ang bakla di pinapanganak pero dumadami?

bakit tumitingala ang manok pag umiinom?

ang baboy ba pag nanganak, baboy din?

bakit ang numbers di pwede i all caps?

pwede bang makinig ng AM (radio) sa gabi?

Bakit sa Mcdo may Grimace… wala namang ube halaya?!

baket pula ang hotdog??

baket violet ang itlog na maalat??

anong tagalog ng toothpaste?

Bakit kaya hindi pantay ang yagbols ng isang lalaki?

Bakit po kapag nag-flush ng inidoro lagi counter-clockwise yung ikot ng tubig?

bakit ang bata sa amerika, ang liliit pa marunong ng mag ingles!

Ilang oras natutulog ang sleeping pills?

nakakita naba kayo ng dilis na kinain ang pating?

bakit kaya alam mo ng may amoy/mabaho.. eh susubukan parin aamoyin..

kamot sa pwet sabay amoy.
kamot sa itlog sabay amoy.

bakit mabango ang utot ko…pero pag inamoy niyo mabaho?

Bakit po ba tinatawag na Lechon Kawali eh baboy naman ang niluto hindi kawali?

Bakit ang tire black hindi naman black?

Lilinis ba ang ipis pag nahulog sa timbang may sabon o dudumi ang timbang may sabon?

Santa Maria… Santa Clara….Santa Ana…. Bading ba si Santa Claus??

Bakit pag may nahulog na pagkain tapos dadamputin agad, ang sabi nila ay “wala pang 10 seconds”… na calculate na ba nila ang speed ng germs? na ganun kabagal ang germs?

pwede bang sabawan ang tuyo?

Bakit pagkatapos mangulangot ay titignan ito?

Pwede bang maglagay ng dinner sa lunchbox?

pag ang hand bag ba nilagay sa likod hand bag parin?

pwede bang magbreakfast in bed sa gabi?

bakit pag umiibak….umiihi..??

Bakit po ba ang tawag sa egg yolk eh pula ng itlog eh obvious naman na hinde?

Bat di mapagsabay ang paglabas ng ebak at pag-ihi?

Anong hayop ang sa tuwing magsasalita ay binibigkas ang pangalan nya?

Bakit kaya Pair of Pants pa ang tawag? Sino naman kayang ogag bibili ng kalahating pantalon lang?

bakit pantalon ang unang sinusuot ni superman bago ang brief nya?

bakit kapag umiiyak tayo sinisipon din tayo?

bakit ang doleng hindi makatingin ng maayos?

bakit ang pilay hindi maayos ang paglalakad?

bakit ang ngongo kapag kinausap mo ng maayos hindi ka kakausapin ng maayos?

bakit kapag nangungulangot tayo binibilog pa natin tapos binabato sa katabi natin?

bakit kapag natutulog tayo nakapikit hindi ba pwedeng dilat?