A Play A Day & Lysteria

The Top 9 Serial Killer Worries

2012-04-04T16:19:00.001-05:00

1) Can men still wear white dress shoes?

2) What if I'm late?

3) What if someone realizes that I'm only pretending to understand most avant garde films?

4) When does this coupon expire? It doesn't say.

5) Do I need more closet space?

6) That bird looks upset.

7) Has my behavior taken on any addictive qualities?

8) What's in it for me?

9) Mildew.

OTHER NAMES FOR THE GIRAFFE

2012-03-31T15:45:00.000-05:00

1 - Extreme Horse

2 - El Tonguerino

3 - Captain Gangly

4 - Not Your Starting Point Guard

5 - Bizarre Sex Fetish #187

6 - KneeKnobbles

7 - The Worst Spy

8 - Height Hog

9 - Doug and / or Nancy

10 - Portable Car Shed

11 - Llamasaurus

12 - Cloud Burper

13 - World's Most Expensive Step Ladder

WHERE IS MY MIND?

2012-03-31T14:38:00.000-05:00

My mind left me years ago. Where is it? Good question. I've narrowed it down to a few possibilities.

- Stuck to a funny porcupine.

- Down on the corner, out in the street, though it seems impossible for it to be both places at once.

- Trying on bow ties at an unnamed menswear shop.

- Riding herd.

- Somewhence.

- Soaking in its own gravy.

- Starring in a very special episode of.

- Telling me that my call is very important to it. Please hold.

- Just fuckin' around.

- Writing a play about a late-night waitress and an angry short-order cook in a seedy cafe on the outskirts of a dying, midwestern, industrial town.

- Waltzing. Always waltzing.

Breathe, Damn you!

2012-03-31T14:11:00.001-05:00

BREATHE, DAMN YOU and other thoughts: A list of things I am yelling at the guy dying in front of me

1 - "There's a time and place for everything except dying, damn it!"

2 - "Well! I never!"

3 - "You have at least four more stages of grief to get through very fast!"

4 - "Does your health insurance provider cover imminent death services?!"

5 - "Hurry up, you!"

6 - "Hold on! I just got a text!"

7 - "Do you see a light or a disco ball?!"

8 - "You're really embarrassing me!"

9 - "Nice shoes!"

10 - "Are you even listening to me at all?!"

11 - "I'm totally a Good Samaritan!"

12 - "This relationship is not providing opportunities for me to grow as a person!"

13 - "Why does everything have to be about you?!"

14 - "Arrrrrrrrrrrggg what?!"

15 - "Gross!"

Geometry Rules for Dumbasses

2012-02-22T23:30:00.000-06:00

- Triangles often have three sides.

- The perfect sphere was a mythical creature that was killed by some Greek guy... or something. Now, there are five different emo bands with that name; one of which, ironically, is made up of Greek pro-lifers.

- A line which bisects a right angle must say "Excuse me" and mean it.

- The area of a circle is the area inside the one line. Forget about measuring the outside part.

- A line segment running from A to B moonwalks from B to A.

- A circle only has one side unless it's a snowman, then it has three sides and must be called a triangle.

- Parallel planes will probably not land safely.

- The sum of all interior angles of a pentagon is 540 degrees, but it was only budgeted at 260.

- The hypotenuse is a funny word for "line," but you shouldn't laugh at it or confuse it with Hippo Tennis, which you can laugh at all you want.

- Given a square with vertices M, N, O, and P, we know that its name could be NOMP.

- Parallel lines is an album by Blondie.

- The volume of a cone is defined by a positive attitude.

- When two circles intersect, we can only hope it's consensual.

- A line might be made of an infinite number of points, but scientists are still counting.

- An ellipse could be a circle with untreated depression. Try your best to address the topic in a direct, but caring, manner.

- The distance between any two points on a line can be measured by line-measuring robots.

- Some parabolas kind of look like boobies.

- Squares hate the sun.

Other Systems of Government Which, for very good reasons, You've Never Heard Of

2012-02-18T18:30:00.001-06:00

1. Otterocracy - rule by otters

2. Philosocracy - rule by losers named Phil

3. Technocracy - rule by Daft Punk

4. Ocracy - rule by n/a

5. Hypocrisyocracy - rule by those who insist that ruling is wrong

6. Obliviocracy - rule by those who don't realize they are in charge

7. Antiobliviocracy - rule by those who realize they are not in charge

8. Orthodocracy - rule by rule alone

9. Plutoocracy - rule by bitter former planets

10. Olliolliocracy - rule by people who are tired of trying to find people to rule over

11. Mocracy - rule by ridicule

12 - Ambidextrocracy - rule by the right or left, but never both

13 - Fucracry - rule by missionaries

14 - Quasimetacracy - rule by rulers who might rule over those rulers

15 - Blahcracy - rule by whatever, you know?

16 - Domocracy - Rule!

17 - Omgocracy - rule by an unexpected or surprising turn of events

18 - Anagramocracy - rule by lure

19 - Ocraocraocracy - rule by the rule of those who rule

20 - Opracy - rule by female daytime talk show hosts

21 - Knocknocracy - rule by obvious set-up

22 - Ahhhhhhcracy - rule by the most adorable

"A (insert character here) Walks Into A Bar" - Jokes Of Questionable Merit

2012-01-31T19:46:00.002-06:00

An asshole walks into a bar and rips the place to shit.

A Hitler impersonator walks into a bar and is beaten by people pretending to be various scapegoats of geopolitical insecurity.

A chicken walks into a bar after successfully crossing the road outside.

A bar walks into a bar, and no one notices.

A joke set-up walks into a bar too obviously, thus undermining laughter's key psychological motivation.

A hippopotamus walks into a bar through the freight doors in the back.

A jerk walks into a bar, but this happens far too often to be amusing.

A fan of Phish walks into a bar, and people become slightly uncomfortable.

A tennis racket walks into a bar and asks if it can get some service.

A poop walks into a bar, and the little children laugh.

A stereotype walks into a bar and says something but people are not listening to the content of its message.

A Baptist minister and a Mormon walk into a bar because they enjoy feeling self-righteous.

A sex-positive porn actress walks into a bar and, well, it wasn't a "bar," more bar-shaped, and "walks" is used in a euphemistic sense. They key word here is "into." Plus, there was a film crew.

A cliffhanger walks into a bar...

A ghost walks into a bar. It's sad because he was an alcoholic when he was alive.

A pathetic philosopher walks into a bar, or does the bar walk into him?

A group of twenty-eight people walks into a bar and order twenty-eight beers but there's only enough beer for twenty-seven; so they kill the guy no one liked that much anyway.

A feeling of poorly-timed deja vu walks into a bar; it has no idea that it almost had a sense that it had been there before even though it hadn't.

A virgin, a hooker, a seal and the President of the United States walk into a bar, and they wait for the joke to write itself.

A bartender walks into a bar. She will work there for the next six hours.

A paradox gets closer and closer but never quite walks into a bar.

A man jumping a shark walks into a bar. He's cool but desperate to recapture fading glory.

A Chinese cooking pan walks into a bar.

A very bad comedian walks into a bar, the one just a couple blocks from here, I think it's called The Spot, or Eddie's Spot... no, Eddie's Spot closed last year. And he goes, uhhh... where does he go? No! No! I got it... he says, says not goes, he says, and this is the funny part. What he says. It's great! He says... uhhh, what was it? Oh yeah! He says something like, and I don't know if this is exactly what said, but it's close. He says, "I would never walk into a bar and serve me!" Get it? Oh, wait... no, that's not quite right. Uhhh... O.K.! O.K. Now I remember, he says - again don't quote me on this because it's just a joke - he says, he says, he says... " I would never go to a bar that would serve me!" That's a joke! A joke! I hope you understood it. I love that one.

A futurist walks into a bar. Within the next ten years, she will fly her car into that bar.

A camouflaged appliance walks into a bar and blends in.

A pair of beautiful breasts walk into a bar and get all the free drinks they want, but, cruelly, they have no mouth with which to drink them.

A subconscious, universal fear walks into a bar, and suddenly it's not funny anymore.

A God walks into a bar, and says, "See? I told you there were more than one."

A boy walks into a bar, and he leaves it a man. Or so he claims.

A drunk man walks into a bar that he had just left, but he doesn't realize it. He's really, really drunk.

A metronome walks into a bar just in time.

An extrovert walks into a bar and just has to make sure that every-every-everyone! knows she's there.

An existential poem walks into a bar. It dies.

A grieving widow walks into a bar, and the bartender gives her a free drink. (But that's the last one, thinks the bartender, because she's been milking this dead husband shtick for two years now.)

An anagram was ration balk.

A sense of situational irony walks into a bar located in a church basement.

A God doesn't walk into a bar, because there is no God.

An elephant walks into a bar, but he forgot to put on his shirt and shoes and is politely asked to leave. The elephant apologizes and complies.

A teenage girl from Kansas walks into a bar wearing ruby slippers. She has an ozsome time.

A bout of forgetfulness walks? Into a bar?

A bullshit walks into a bar; a money talks into a bar.

A grizzled old caretaker walks into a bar, and he would've succeeded too, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids.

A moving sidewalk walks into a bar for you.

A wise guy walks into a bar, see?!

A Google walks into a bar. It knows everyone's name. Everyone's address. Everyone's shoe size. Everyone's list of bad "Walks Into A Bar" jokes.

A 1960's Batman walks into a bar. (BIFF!) (POW!) (WHACK!)

A man with a huge name tag on his shirt walks into a bar, because he feels like everyone knows him there.

A beer walks into a bar. It is senselessly slaughtered.

A joke about walking into a bar walks into a bar and walks right into that one.

A single tear walks into a bar, the dramatic music rises as the lights dim.

A fish walks into a bar like a fish needs a bicycle, which is absurd because the fish already walked to the bar, so why would it need a bicycle? Other than for going home, I mean.

A tornado walks into a bar. It is a very small tornado, but, nonetheless, some patrons are not pleased.

A murder mystery walks into a bar. Or does it? (dun-dun-Dunnnnn!)

A premature ejaculation walks into a.... crap.

A guilt trip walks into a bar and hopes everyone realizes how much they've hurt it.

A workplace efficiency consultant walks into a bar. Naturally, he is a complete asshole.

Charges Added by Ticketmaster to My Recent Purchase of Tickets to See Jeff Mangum at the State Theatre and My Explanation for Each

2012-01-23T17:11:00.002-06:00

Ticket "Price": $32.50
This makes sense. Jeff Mangum, essentially the only member of the great band, Neutral Milk Hotel, went into hiding while dealing with emotional issues possibly triggered by the success of his second album, In The Aeroplane Over The Sea. Outside of a few appearances onstage with friends' bands or in support of charity efforts, this marks Mangum's first tour in thirteen years. Given my love of his music, $32.50 is more than worth it.

Facility Charge: $3.00
The concert is in the State Theatre, a building beautiful enough and rich enough in history that I would probably spend three dollars just to sit there for a couple hours watching an empty stage. Plus, they spell "theater" the more expensive British way.

Convenience Charge: $12.00
Since I was not already a registered user, it took me about ten minutes to trek through the fields and menus of Ticketmaster's website to purchase a ticket for this show. Registered accounts can probably buzz through in half that time, if they remember their account password which is hardly a guarantee. If I had called the State Theatre directly, I have to believe I would have been able to perform this function in roughly the same amount of time, even if I was on hold for a few minutes. If on hold for considerably longer, then the web ordering would be faster. Twelve dollars faster? Not in my world. Not when you see what's next.

Order Processing Fee: $7.21
What the fuck?! Didn't my $12 worth of convenience cover this? Isn't having my order processed electronically by their fine computers instead of messy humans the only real convenience they provide? If this fee were not itemized explicitly, would Ticketmaster merely charge me for the convenience of not processing my order? What is included in "convenience" if not the fucking processing of the fucking order?

Additional Taxes: $1.30
The government takes a buck thirty. Yet a big corporation takes fifteen times as much for no value added. The difference? I can't elect the assholes at Ticketmaster.

Service Gratuity: $11.50
No dummies are those Masters of Ticket - with customary tipping rates running 15-20%, they have devised a great way to earn higher gratuities.

Customer Service Compensation: $8.85
You are charged ahead of time for any potential assistance you might need to save you from having to pay for the assistance when it is needed.

Customer Service Convenience Charge: $6.95
Now you can pay for the convenience of being charged for potential assistance before you are actually charged for that assistance, should it be necessary.

Repair / Maintenance Stipend: $3.19
Your ticket may be printed poorly or be insufficiently rectangular. This money assures customers that Ticketmaster is prepared to reprint your ticket or use a scissors if it should come to that.

Fee Assessment Charge: $5.50
This money is put into an R & D fund to help Ticketmaster research, implement, and effectively obfuscate their cutting edge understanding of gouging.

Order-Out Allowance: $3.99
Ticketmasters work long hours. They need a late-night burrito / pizza / pork stir fry once in a while.

Delivery Charge: $14.00
Gas is quite expensive. Ticketmaster knows this, and they really want you to know that putting a stamp on an envelope is an invitation to wasteful use of petrochemicals by someone who will have to deliver that envelope. This was part of Ticketmaster's 1995 Green Initiative Plan to help raise their customers' awareness of environmental issues.

Class Action Lawsuit Compensation: $23.65
Occasionally, Ticketmaster has to battle with more pessimistic customers who insist on something called "fairness" or the unproven concept of transparency. This money allows Ticketmaster to fend off these monstrous attacks, and, if Ticketmaster does succumb to their evil charges, you might be entitled to a refund equaling nearly 5% of this charge. So, this assessment is a big win-win.

Monopoly Assessment: from $90.00 to $130.00
This varies randomly and widely because of the forces of capitalism from which Ticketmaster must be protected.

Ticket Price: $32.50
Other Price: $191.14 - $231.14
TOTAL: $223.64 - $263.64

It's a bargain at 10% of that price, but we throw in the other 90% without even bothering you about it! Because we care.

Notes on Movies I Can Only Vaguely Recall

2012-01-22T15:55:00.001-06:00

Movie #1
- A woman with hair, blondish.
- She receives an envelope or sees a commercial.
- Top secrets?
- Her shampoo has a poison in it.
- Her friends die mysteriously. All of them.
- There was an alien thing.
- She has a lover.
- He falls off a building.
- He drives off a bridge.
- The aliens maybe did it.
- The shampoo was actually normal.

Movie #2
- A fat guy returns home.
- It is snowing.
- A high school sweetheart.
- She has a secret.
- There's a black convertible.
- Two love triangles!
- Meta.

Movie #3
- One week from retirement.
- Car chase.
- A dog next to a broken window.
- This gravel road leads to a restaurant in fog.
- 1985 or so to the early 1990s.

Movie #4
- Bad guy.
- Deformed children.
- Lasers or radiation?

Movie #5
- A magic troll... wait - no, a dragon.

Unpromising Jokes for Perverts

2012-01-20T12:53:00.003-06:00

1 - A man walks into a strip club and orders a piece of bacon which he then eats with a spoon. The bartender asks him why he's eating bacon with a spoon. The man angrily replies, "Why is a strip club serving bacon at the bar?!"

2 - A kitten is stuck in a tree. A Good Samaritan comes along and asks the kitten why it's in the tree. The kitten says "It was a personal goal. I just needed to see if I could do it. You know?" The Samaritan does know. He's glad to have had this brief interaction with a motivational feline.

3 - A naked man enters an elevator filled with six obviously pregnant women. The elevator gets stuck between the seventh and eighth floors. The naked man tells the women that he knows how to pass the time until their rescue: He asks each women about their hopes for their children; because he believes that children are the future. The women all share this sentiment. They become close friends. One of them even names her baby after the man. (His name was Lawrence.)

4 - A teenage girl is buying condoms at a drug store. The pharmacist asks her if she knows how to use condoms. She does not; she thought she was buying plastic gloves. She can't believe she did that.

5 - A young married couple is camping in a very remote location. A bear with an erection pays them a late night visit. The wife notices that the bear seems to be trying to have sex with a tree. She films it, and posts it to YouTube. It gets 300 million views in one week.

6 - A businessman is out for an early morning run when he sees a naked woman running madly on the opposite sidewalk. Her long hair is on fire. The man laughs because he is a huge asshole.

7 - A distraught woman, her romantic dreams and hopes destroyed, jumps from a high building. Halfway down, a magical fairy appears and tells her that she'll grant the woman three wishes. The woman says, "Let there be a great, handsome man on the sidewalk to catch me." The magical fairy adds, "I meant more like easy wishes. I'm new at this."

8 - The teacher is talking about rockets. Little Johnny raises his hand. "Yes, Johnny, you have a question?" Johnny asks, "Can you fit a rocket in your pocket?" The teacher's face flushes, "No, Johnny, a rocket is too big." Johnny replies, "And it rhymes with 'pocket!'" Many of Johnny's classmates agree. A couple of them giggle, but they don't know why. They are quite young.

9 - How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to screw in the light bulb, the other to let the first hooker sit on her shoulders. The ceiling is over eight feet high.

Board Games for the Very Lonely

2012-01-19T19:40:00.003-06:00

Monopsony - one buyer, all the money, two dice included as a cruel joke

Tic - not even the fun, involuntary, musculature kind, a 3 x 3 grid of short-lived eternity

So, So Sorry - return to start, return to start, return to start

Chutes - you hurt the cat with the broken cookie jar then threw them both through the hole in the ice to hide the evidence

Othello - try to pretend it's a racially diverse community, keep trying

Checker - you can't lose, you can't win, absolutely no one will king you

Scrabble - all consonants special edition, no anarchic blank tiles

Operation - no touching!

Clue - Jeffrey Dahmer limited set, can you guess who did it?

Twister - for one, otherwise known as better than yoga, but who'll spin the arrow? That's right. Your cat, loser.

Candy Land - because your acid score fell through

Strategergo - ex-Presidents only

Trivial Surrender - no questions, just a board and a white, pie-shaped flag

Decommissioned Battleship - tours at noon and 4 p.m., Mondays and Thursdays only

Life - the board just keeps unfolding

How to Suffer with Dignity

2012-01-18T17:55:00.000-06:00

1 - Point out how much less dignity other sufferers are displaying.

2 - Pose for more stately portraits than you typically would.

3 - Hold a child's hand serenely during a quiet sunset. Make sure your professional photographer is ready.

4 - Survey friends and family about how they can better support you. Release results at press conference.

5 - Rewrite your will to include as many cute animals as possible.

6 - Steadfastly refuse to go to a strip club everyday.

7 - Entitle your autobiography: "I Have Suffered, But With Dignity."

8 - Stab dignity in the stomach Let dignity do the same to you. Insist on sharing a hospital room afterward.

9 - Remind everyone that perpetual self pity, crying, lashing out, blaming loved ones, and screaming at nurses are key steps toward your goal of world peace.

10 - Entitle your self-help book: "Suffering Your Way To Dignity!"

11 - Communicate with the world using only a carrier pigeon dressed in a tuxedo.

12 - Insist on living out your final days surrounded by the friends and family you tolerate best.

13 - Assign guilt for your suffering, but only through proper legal channels.

What Brendon Will Write About In His Guest Column For The Northfield News

2012-01-13T17:02:00.002-06:00

1 - My wholehearted embrace of the neoconservative awareness of education's dangers.

2 - Drugs, but just the ones that make you a better and trendier person.

3 - What love's got to do with it - the definitive answer.

4 - Words I mumble behind the backs of nervous people.

5 - How many words I have left before I reach the column's 500-word limit, updated word by word.

6 - Everyone who has ever hurt me and their current, most important computer passwords.

7 - Unconventional and treacherous uses for the semicolon.

8 - Dogs that I think are assholes.

9 - The launch of my new magazine, Modern Vowel!

What Do Atheists Do All Day?

2012-01-10T19:14:00.000-06:00

Possibility #1 - Pray to their ungod to conceal himself in the most obtuse and far-fetched way possible so the atheists can cite this as proof that he obviously is not there.

Possibility #2 - Watch TV.

Possibility #3 - Meet in secular dens to plot how to beat Jesus in ping-pong; as it is written in the final chapter of the Atheist Lible: The Book of Recreations.

Possibility #4 - Kill themselves because of the stark lack of meaning in their lives.

Possibility #5 - Just run around, fucking everything.

Possibility #6 - Lurk.

Possibility #7 - Believe in the miracle of double-blind, controlled, replicable, peer-reviewed research.

Possibility #8 - Joyfully lift their voices upward, but not too high.

Possibility #9 - Find their unique purpose in helpfully canned structures and rituals.

Possibility #10 - Skulk.

Possibility #11 - Continuously deny the existence of a supreme being because they're a bunch of grumpybutts.

Possibility #12 - Abandon their families at the first sign of trouble.

Possibility #13 - Argue for preferential treatment of sociopaths, criminals and politicians who have not found God.

Possibility #14 - Have a hard time texting "OMG!"

Possibility #15 - Bug their physician to refer them to the top soulectomist in their provider network.

Possibility #16 - Invade other countries that refuse to not believe properly.

Other Rules for FIGHT CLUB

2012-01-08T16:11:00.001-06:00

Rule 9 - Bleeding is a choice.

Rule 15 - Upon agreement of the combatants and at least one audience member, a movie may be watched instead. (See addendum for approved selection of titles.)

Rule 17 - When entering the fighting area - be it a darkened, abandoned warehouse; darkened, abandoned loading dock attached to a darkened, abandoned warehouse; darkened, abandoned basement of darkened, abandoned warehouse; the darkened, glass-strewn, abandoned premises of a darkened, abandoned warehouse or warehouses; the darkened, abandoned, humorously dystopian machinery line in a darkened, abandoned warehouse; or a brightly lit meadow wonderland with peace-dust twinkle fairies flitting home from their 18-hour shift breaking glass outside a darkened, abandoned warehouse - one must display a readiness to fight by loudly proclaiming something along the lines of "I am ready to fight," or "Hey! Let's fight now." (Doffing your cap to your opponent is now, as it has always been, optional.)

Rule 18 - Snacks are not necessary per se, but most people like a little something. Nothing fancy.

Rule 22 - All liability waivers must be filed, in triplicate, with the legal department no less than two (2) weeks before a fight.

Rule 27 - To prevent excessive injuries, fighters should announce the intended target of each punch, slap, blow, kneeing or kick.

Rule 29 - The victor of each fight will be determined by a standard consensus process of all in attendance. This should be done in the nearest available conference room.

Rule 38 - The first three (3) feet of gauze wrap is free during the fight season. Each additional foot will be charged to the fighter's Fight Club debit card at the rate of one (1) dollar and fifty (50) cents per foot. (Frequent fighters should consider the bulk gauze option: two (2) feet of gauze free with every ten (10) feet used. See the Supplies Office for a punch card.)

Rule 40 - Fighters may not skip for more than thirty (30) seconds total during an individual fight.

Rule 43 - Taunting of one's opponent, while distasteful, is allowed within the following guidelines:
- Each taunt must be followed by a compensatory positive affirmation of roughly equal length and sincerity;
- No profanity;
- No reference to an opponent's maternal lineage;
- No reference may to an opponent's past or current chemical addictions;
- Specificity of taunt should not outweigh creativity.

Rule 44 - Grievances alleging violations of the taunting guidelines may be lodged with the Taunt Aberration Investigation Committee (TAIC) on the third floor. Please list the nature of alleged violations along with all examples used during the fight. Video of the fight or dramatic re-enactments are allowed in lieu of written lists.

Rule 48 - Christmas Eve fights must end before six (6) p.m.

Rule 61 - Deaths should be reported to the medical investigation unit at extension 7813 within fifteen (15) minutes.

Rule 77 - Spectators displaying loud or boorish behavior will be asked to leave. No exceptions.

Rule 83 - Fighters must park in the red lot. Parking vouchers good for ninety (90) minutes are available at the reception desk in the lobby.

Rule 88 - Towels are never supplied by Fight Club.

Rule 91 - Showers are limited to five (5) minutes at a water temperature of one hundred and five (105) degrees. Shower sandals must be worn.

Rule 102 - Violations of six (6) or more of these rules during an individual fight season will be referred to the Rules Committee for consideration of a public hearing for the defendant.

Rule 103 - Defendants must wear a shirt and shoes during all Rules Committee proceedings.

Rule 119 - Apart from appropriate legal counsel, mental health therapists, social workers, medical professionals or clergy, you may not talk about the rules of Fight Club, International, its subsidiary organizations, or related charitable groups.

Rule 120 - Apart from appropriate legal counsel, mental health therapists, social workers, medical professionals or clergy, you may not talk about the rules of Fight Club, International, its subsidiary organizations, or related charitable groups.

11 Things Involving My Shoe Which Probably Happened Last Month

2011-09-26T01:47:00.003-05:00

1. My shoe was found in the vegetable crisper drawer in the refrigerator. It didn't know how it got there or why it wasn't at least wearing a scarf.

2. My shoe rejected the constraints placed upon it by a wickedly pro-lace society.

3. My shoe knew where my foot was going before my foot started to go there, and it was the other foot.

4. My shoe begged me to talk about its feelings, but it's fooled me with that one before.

5. My shoe did something about which it is not proud even as it blames me for doing it.

6. My shoe stole one of my dreams with a very large gun.

7. My shoe had "no comment" for the press.

8. My shoe pretended to have a head so it could pretend to have a headache so it could stay home and work on its blueprints.

9. My shoe complained about its "cruel and grotesque" working conditions.

10. My shoe had an unsatisfactory religious conversion.

11. My shoe claimed it never even saw the dog poop. Then it snickered.

Some Ways Life Would Be Different If You Had A Tiger Instead Of A Cat

2011-09-20T17:13:00.000-05:00

You are dumb. You own a cat. Probably two or three. Stupid. Your life would be better if you doubled-down and brought a tiger into your home or apartment or recreational vehicle. Here's how.

1 - It would take care of your house cat infestation.

2 - If you let them get hungry enough, they are capable of cleverly feeding themselves.

3 - Surprisingly good at tax preparation.

4 - You'll get millions of hits when you post an adorbz vid on LOLcats of teh kitteh playing with its first dead bird, except replace "bird" with "son" or "neighbor" or "animal control officer."

5 - Little cats can't play the drums in your garage rock band. Neither can a tiger, but you'll let him anyway.

6 - All the raw, weak, aged wildebeest you can eat. (Standard shipping rates apply.)

7 - A couple hypodermic extractions away from reaping a fortune from Charlie Sheen.

8 - Neighbor's annoying dog suddenly convinced that barking isn't a great idea after all.

9 - Street-legal, eco-friendly mode of transportation.

Days On Which I'm Not Shuffling And Why

2011-09-05T07:56:00.001-05:00

1) Tuesday - This day has always been reserved for moping.

2) Saturday - I'm not going to shuffle on Saturdays just because everyone else is shuffling that day. I have my integrity and will not be just another shuffling sheep.

3) Days when I have a gold-painted cardboard box on my head that makes me look like a sci-fi robot from the early 1950s - My vision is severely limited on such days making shuffling hazardous.

4) Sunday - I dare not taunt Mr. Jesus.

5) Wednesday - It's hard to explain, but this day has never felt right for shuffling. You know what I mean?

6) Days heretofore not explicitly denoted - I reserve the right to refrain from shuffling on any other day not listed above, at my sole discretion.

Sequels to Popular Broadway Musicals

2011-08-09T16:40:00.002-05:00

1 - Les Miserablers

2 - The Phantom Of A Whole Bunch Of Operas

3 - Oh! Chicaglohoma!

4 - My Fairly Old Lady

5 - Lease

6 - La Cage Aux Cage (featuring Nicolas Cage)

7 - Lion King And The Beast: Deathmatch!

8 - Gramma Mia!

9 - The Wizard Of Oz (a white adaptation of The Wiz)

10 - The King And II

11 - A Grease Chorus Line

12 - 2nd 42nd Street

13 - More Fucking Cats!

Brendon Etter, Officially Not Running for Mayor in 2012, Seeks Your Votes.

2011-08-01T13:53:00.006-05:00

TO: People Who Can Read Well Enough August 1, 2011
FROM: Brendon Etter

In 2008, I was universally* hailed as the Leading Write-In Candidate for Mayor of Northfield. An election I lost painfully by a mere few thousand votes out of more total votes than that. I would like to thank all those who took the time and effort to somewhat spell my name correctly on some ballots.

However, in order to spare myself and my family and my dog and my neighbors' dogs the pain of losing another physically and emotionally draining contest, I feel it is only right that I not run for Mayor of Northfield again in 2012.

Therefore, let me be the first, on this august forum, on the first of August, to officially declare that I am not running for The Office of The Mayor of The City of (the) Northfield.

Please, please, please don't vote for me for Mayor.

What I want you to do is to write my name on the ballot under "Mayor" as an affirmation of my decision not to seek The Mayoral Office.

We can only hope that enough people will do this, and Northfield will fulfill the promise of democracy: That anyone choosing not to run for public office has a chance to be recognized for that choice by a majority or plurality of voting citizens!

To help you remember to write in your vote for my non-candidacy, my advertising and legal and dance committee - Britt Ackerman, LP, CD, 009 - has come up with the following slogans:

Brendon Etter: He's Not for Everyone!

Brendon Etter: Always Never Mayor!

Brendon Etter: Best at Nothing!

Brendon Etter: May or Mayor Not!

Brendon Etter: A Positively Negative Candidate!

Brendon Etter: Nothing to Believe In!

Brendon Etter: There's No There There!

Brendon Etter: Figuratively Your Best Choice!

Brendon Etter: You're Not Allowed to Vote for Him for Mayor!

Brendon Etter: Yes Means No!

Brendon Etter: He Can't Lose!

Thank you, in advance, dear citizens of Northfield, for writing in my name as not running for Mayor.

Please watch this space for future developments as I don't continue this non-campaign.

Mine Truly,
Brendon Etter

(* - select universes only)

How the Tea Party Will Undermine the Legitimacy of the First Female President

2011-07-17T20:32:00.006-05:00

In 2016, a woman will be elected America's next President.

The Tea Party, fresh off their glorious Eight Year Plan to delegitimize the presidency of Barack Obama, a known black man, will rapidly switch gears and spend the next eight years delegitimizing the new President, a known not man.

How will they do it? What genius maneuvers will they orchestrate?

Odds are very good, these will be among them:

- Nationally televised hymen check, for purity.
(Breaking new ground, but if she's innocent, she shouldn't care, right?)

- Eight years of sarcastic air quotes every time they refer to the President's husband as the "First Lady."
(They have been known to understand sarcasm. It's rare, but some of them possess the ability, especially if they work together.)

- Accusing her of pushing for favorable "lesbislation."
(With her long, tapered, wet fingers, no doubt.)

- Connecting her in every possible way to the secret terrorist cabal known only as The Indigo Girls.
(There's no denying that she spent four years prostrate to the "higher mind," a known force of evil in the world, especially to neo-cons.)

- Doing that frat boy thing where they flick their tongues between two fingers held in a V position.
(It is a well-argued policy position.)

- Loudly worrying about what time it is and where her children are.
(It'll be the lead story on Fox every night.)

- Complaining that her pantsuits are not powerful enough to commit American troops to battle.
(Who would fight for a leader clad in mauve or coral? Seriously.)

- Suggesting that she must have a secret penis.
(It's nothing a $600 million investigation can't uncover!)

Lines from "The Breakfast Club" if Judd Nelson's Character, John Bender, Had Been Played By a Troubled, Rebellious, Pothead Monkey

2011-06-23T13:41:00.001-05:00

"This is what you get at my house when you eat paint in the garage."

"I'm thinking of trying out for a scholarship in the newly-sanctioned collegiate sport called Monkey Basketball. It's a game a lot like human basketball, except it's played by monkeys who are in college."

"Shut up, bitch! Go fix me a banana termite pie!"

"You know what I got for Christmas this year? It was a banner fucking year at the ol' Bender family! I got a carton of cigarettes! The old monkey grabbed me, and he said, 'Hey! Insert these playfully into your anus or otherwise comically misuse these cylindrical objects, Johnny!'"

"Does Barry Manilow also wear clothing? Because I don't, being a monkey, but if I did, I would also wear Barry Manilow's clothing like you are right now."

"Claire?! That's a fat girl name, but a skinny monkey name. Have you considered species reassignment surgery?"

"Are none of you disturbed by the fact that I speak English fluently, or are we glossing over that in service to our uplifting story of acceptance and understanding during an often-troubled period of psychosocial development?"

"Seriously, how am I not this school's mascot?! Come on!"

GUEST AUTHOR: Sarah Palin Writes a List for Me

2011-05-19T12:25:00.005-05:00

Hi United Staters!

Well, I'm just thrilled that Brendon asked me to write a list of funny stuff! It's important, as our country is crushed beneath the boots of a socialist black "president" who was certainly possibly born in America and whose word I'll take for it because that's the classy way to do things respecting the "office of the president" even when a negro is there and I never would disrespect someone as important as the president even when the president kills babies and senior citizens and wants to take your precious freedoms away from you while you're sleeping because he's the president and we'll just all take his word for that and so it's important like I said earlier when I was talking about why it was important because even though we have policy differences and things we still respect each other as people because that's all we are. I'm people and so is that guy who calls himself president and why we still respect each other because it's like high school and that's what I was taught so why don't we do things that way?

Here's my funny list. It's called:

5 ways a white president is different than a black president

First, a white president has hair you can comb! Isn't that funny, that you can't even comb Barack's hair? That's not right because you can't comb Satan's hair either because it will burn you!

Second, white presidents have historically started more of our historic wars and our brave troops with the flag of America which has white in it and a couple other colors but not black which might be for a reason even if the elites in the mainstream media won't report why that reason is and God bless them because they fought the wars that the white presidents were so good at starting and that's different than black presidents and we have proof now and it is.

Next, black presidents would look dark green on money and white presidents wouldn't and one way is right more than the other way is right which it isn't right at all.

Lastly, I just want to say that white presidents are more qualified to lead America because more white people live in America than don't and our proud forefathers and their super proud history and it's so important to have someone that whites can look up to and we can't ever forget that and just lose that history and the blacks will be able to look up to the white president because they're used to looking up to the white presidents who are better than black presidents especially for this reason and all the other ones.

Sixth, rap music is bad for small children to learn and a black president would have rap music playing loudly all the time maybe even on Air Force One which really belongs to the great people of this country not to the black president.

That's my funny funny list of 6 ways a white president is better than a black president and thank you for all your laughter which is part of why I like to write funny lists like this and God bless America and the United States!

What Osama Bin Laden Was Probably Doing Right Before He Was Killed

2011-05-02T05:09:00.004-05:00

1 - Patiently waiting right in front of that one big window at exactly the agreed upon time for his new buddies to meet him for a couple beers.

2 - Trying one last time to fix that crappy beard trimmer.

3 - Waxing his Mustang.

4 - Playing horseshoes with hand grenades.

5 - Feeding the poor.

6 - Meeting with public relations experts to learn how to rebrand himself for today's kids.

7 - Some light couponing.

8 - Slaughtering the recently fed poor.

9 - Ab crunches.

10 - Learning some Joni Mitchell tracks for his new cover album.

11 - Figuring out where Obama was really born.

12 - Wondering what that sound was.

Some of Jesus Christ's Lesser Known Sayings

2011-04-29T12:30:00.000-05:00

Jesus said a lot of stuff. Religiologists have, over the years, sponged clean his spoken record to make him look super cool. If they could, they'd probably auto-tune his voice too so he would always seem to hit just the right moral pitch.

Here are some of the things Jesus said which many evil bastards have conspired to keep from you, the average people; the people Jesus sort of tolerated when he was hanging around all those years ago.

1) Always share your french fries.

2) Dumb people will believe anything, and desperate people will believe everything. Seriously, it's hilarious.

3) Pee not on another's shoe.

4) Always think the best of your fellow man, unless you really hate your fellow man, and don't get me started on your fellow woman... oh boy.

5) If your neighbor's house is larger than yours, point out their personal flaws as much as possible.

6) The first rule of Jesus Club: Don't make rules for Jesus Club.

7) Neener-neener-neener.

8) Thou shall not do that thing... you know what it is.

9) If something is like an abomination unto me, that's bad. Steer clear. However, if something is, like, an abomination unto me? And I say it with my vocal inflection rising at the end, then that means I'm not totally sure if it is or is not an abomination or just sort of abomination-ish. What I'm saying is you have some ethical wiggle room with the second type.

10) If a substance is unknown and gooey and stuck to the floor under the couch, don't try to determine what it is with your tongue.

11) Put that back.

12) Hey guys! Watch this!

13) Sometimes when I look at the world, I think that it's just really big and lots of weird stuff happens and it's confusing too, but it's still so awesome, you know?

14) Sure, wussy humility is fine with me, I guess.