A Play A Day & Lysteria

No Matter What the Bottle Tells You, Do Not Share a Coke with ...

2014-08-22T10:52:00.000-05:00

- your computer
- your left ear
- your dreams
- shag carpeting
- most of Bob Dylan
- Antonio. If the Coke bottle wants you to share with Antonio, don't! If Antonio begs, still do not share with him. He'll get petulant about it - trust me - and then you can point out that his petulance is a big reason why you won't share with him. If he persists, tell him it's because I said so. That'll shut him up, because his past actions are not to be forgiven. Not yet. And, despite his bluster, he knows why and likely accepts that he brought this harm unto himself. So, no Coke for Antonio. None.
- any product of exhumation
- chalk
- the unreachable horizon
- your friend's pants
- all prime numbers
- Antonio, still no
- your manta ray
- the rest of Bob Dylan

David Lynch Women's Sportswear Collection

2014-07-23T12:28:00.001-05:00

"The multifaceted film director David Lynch has co-designed a line of sportswear with luxury US brand Live the Process."

http://tinyurl.com/l7ovzmf

Highlights include:
- Finger bras
- Yoga pants (chartreuse, hot pink floral, shallow scream, charcoal)
- Non-linear jazz shoes
- Quarter-zip, dry-fit hoodie - macabre, symbolic
- One human ear (call for sizing)
- Large dog wearing a cardigan riding on small unicycle
- Reanimated lycra skort
- The perpetual whisper of static, capri or full-length
- Compression sports brax
- Six pack of dehydrated, lo-rise workout tongues
- Mumbling cotton singlet

A Little More Than "Two Kinds Of People"

2014-05-26T12:53:00.000-05:00

There are two kinds of people in this world, decisive and ... wait, no ...

There are two kinds of people in this world, that one guy named Stuart and everyone else.

There are two kinds of people in this world, dead and those closer to dead than they were at the start of this sentence.

There are three kinds of proper English conjunctions in this world, but and and and or.

There are kinds of two people in this world, pairs.

There are three kinds of people in this world, one, two, and three, but one doesn't know about three who is also sleeping with two; so don't tell him this joke because there are only two kinds of people in his world, and it's probably better for all concerned.

There are two kinds of people in this world, you and the you you don't want to believe you have become.

There are two kinds of people in this world, gullible people and people who stupidly believe there are only two kinds of people in this world.

There are two kinds of people in this world, people who can tell a joke and jokes.

There are two kinds of people in this world, people looking for aliens, aliens, and people not looking for aliens.

There are two kinds of people in this world, one or the other.

There are two kinds of two kinds of people in this world, compared and contrasted.

There are two kinds of people in this world, the kid who embarrassed you in front of the whole school in the lunchroom on that lonely January day so long ago, and the people who you haven't since stabbed to death.

There are two kinds of people in this world, absolutists and people who aren't trying to control you.

There are two kinds of people in this world, for now. For ....... now.

There are two kinds of people in this world, the person reading these words right now and you.

There are two kinds of people in this world, but you wouldn't know that from looking at the millions of kinds of people there are in this world.

There is one kind of people in this world, people and trees.

Traffic Laws and Driving Protocol

2014-05-16T05:00:00.000-05:00

If four vehicles arrive at a four-way stop at exactly the same time, all drivers must immediately exit their vehicles and discuss how cool it was.

Pedestrians are hostile. Curse at them proactively.

Passing another vehicle on a sharp curve of two-lane road is extremely dangerous and, therefore, illegal. Don't be a pussy. Go for it.

All grocery purchases must be secured with a seat belt. Each watermelon must have its own booster seat and name.

Until your income reaches certain heights, drunk driving is illegal.

All motorcyclists must wear a helmet. Bad motorcyclists must wear two.

When poor traction causes you to lose control of your vehicle, swear into the skid.

To improve visibility during adverse weather conditions, drive in your garage only.

When stopped by a police officer, exit your vehicle quickly and sprint toward the police car so the officer doesn't have to walk so far to give you a ticket.

Speed limits are very pessimistic. Most modern vehicles have limits that easily surpass them.

When driving by a school or other area where children are gathered, lessen the chance of an accident by slowing to three miles per hour, rolling down your window and whistling a non-threatening tune at them.

Left turns on red are legal if only you believe!

To help other drivers see you, drive as close to them as possible.

Passengers are allowed one free vroom-vroom noise per trip.

Hummingbird Facts You Never Should Learn

2014-05-07T13:21:00.002-05:00

1. All named Duncan.
2. A hummingbird flaps its wings in North Carolina, and a child dies in brutal poverty in Rio. The hummingbird doesn't even care about it.
3. Despite their name, they prefer hip-hop.
4. Do not actively support marriage equality.
5. Due to poor cooking skills, it takes at least eight of them to make a decent omelet.
6. Very shy about buying condoms.
7. Because they are lazy and out of shape, their hearts beat twenty times a second.
8. Have been known to bogart the nectar.
9. Fart way more than is proper.
10. Neither float like a butterfly nor sting like a bee despite pretending to be both.
11. Unwilling to respect some Supreme Court precedents.
12. Shot a man in Reno.

Life Hacks

2014-05-01T12:23:00.000-05:00

LIFE HACKS!

Brendon addresses everyday problems with solutions so simple, intuitive, and absolutely necessary that you will gawp in awe at the feeble nature of your brain.

PROBLEM? Bananas are too hard to open
LIFE HACK! Using a spirit medium, contact the ghost of America's 11th President, James K. Polk

PROBLEM? Loose change weighs down your purse, wallet or pockets
LIFE HACK! Pretend you're stronger

PROBLEM? Sloppy toothpaste tubes
LIFE HACK! Remove your teeth

PROBLEM? The alphabet
LIFE HACK! Only use the easy letters

PROBLEM? Shoelaces break too often
LIFE HACK! Using a fax machine, contact James K. Polk (1-866-POLKSTA)

PROBLEM? Millions of hovering snakes with guns
LIFE HACK! Diplomacy

PROBLEM? Paper clips of different sizes intermingled in a single tray
LIFE HACK! Desk camera surveillance system to monitor for agitators

PROBLEM? Self-confidence
LIFE HACK! Rubber bands, rubber bands, rubber bands!

PROBLEM? Tomato sauce stains on your white shirt
LIFE HACK! Not caring

PROBLEM? Out of question marks
LIFE HACK! Punch an exclamation point in the gut

PROBLEM? Failing to crack the pop music charts
LIFE HACK! Polk again

PROBLEM? Many cords tangled together
LIFE HACK! Denial. Escape.

PROBLEM? Final dregs of mayonnaise hard to get out of the jar
LIFE HACK! Set up a top-notch exploratory committee to draft a resolution

PROBLEM? You
LIFE HACK! Me or someone else, but probably me

PROBLEM? Matching socks after you take them out of the dryer
LIFE HACK! Encoded serial numbers on the toes read by optical scanner or your sudden death

Early Def Leppard Names

2014-04-21T17:19:00.000-05:00

Early Names and Impairments of the Band that became Def Leppard

SWELLD GAZZELLE - bruising, edema

CHAFEN ELEEFANT - rashes (idiopathic)

BLUDD SLUTH - puncture wounds

SPINT OXX - vertigo (mild to severe)

BLIND AWESALOT! - inability to see creatively

DED DONKEE - feedback-related lung collapse

Secret Middle Names of Historical Figures

2013-07-19T11:32:00.000-05:00

Benjamin Buttonfly Franklin
Joan D'of Arc
Reginald Joseph Socrates
William Jumpstart Shakespeare
Jane Meli$$a Austen
Helen Throwdown Keller
Jim Sappho Anderson
Margaret Yeahyeah Thatcher
Oliver Michael God

Avoiding Death

2013-07-18T14:03:00.000-05:00

Death will call on you many times. Be sure you have registered on your state's "Do Not Call" list.

Wear deathscreen. DPF 30 or above, especially during the high-death hours of noon to noon.

Don't engage in activities which have been linked to death, like eating or breathing.

Stay in shape. Suggested shape: vertical line segment.

Double your lifespan by forcing your children to accomplish what you did not.

Play dead.

Believe there's a blissful, painless, eternal life after this one, or at least a good hotel with a hot tub.

2013-07-17T17:18:00.000-05:00

What I Just Realized About Some Popular 1970s Songs

1 - The Copacabana does not take place in the popular beach district of Rio de Janeiro, because that particular Copacabana, though hot, is not "north of Havana." My mistake. It is also a sadder narrative than I remembered. The song smells like orange perfume.

2 - The horse doesn't have a name, but that's a meaningless human construct to place on any animal, especially one that is very busy carrying you through a desert filled with plants, birds, rocks, things, and possibly other stuff.

3 - I'm going to continuing assuming that Todd Rundgren is the "me" in question. This has worked for me so far. The name "Rundgren" also sounds like an impression of a motorcycle noise.

4 - The Devil totally beat Johny's ass down there in Georgia.

Where Isn't Waldo?

2013-03-06T16:15:00.000-06:00

The lint trap

San Diego, northwest quadrant

There. Right there. No!

In love

On the thirty, the twenty, the ten, five...

Liar's Gulch, lookin' down the business end of a six-shooter

Your grocer's peanut bin

The Nineteen Types of Illegitimate Rape

2012-08-20T12:32:00.000-05:00

Dear Reader,

First peruse this article, lest you not recognize the context of today's list.

Done reading? Good.

There are twenty types of rape, but only one is technically legitimate. The other nineteen don't count. Please don't question this list, it has been scientifically ascertained from talking to doctors.

For future reference, here are the nineteen illegitimate types of rape.

1. Silly rape
2. Annoying rape
3. Sentimental rape
4. Drinky rape
5. White rape
6. Ghost rape
7. Conflicted rape
8. Party rape
9. Punishment rape
10. Subtle rape
11. Ironic rape
12. Wealthy rape
13. Compensatory rape
14. Hazy rape
15. Lesser rape
16. Suburban rape
17. Religious rape
18. Only rape
19. Rape

Words That Don't Rhyme With Anything

2012-08-13T13:14:00.003-05:00

1 - Can
2 - Popsicle
3 - Daring
4 - Rut
5 - Sliver
6 - Lie
7 - Acquaintance
8 - Fiscal
9 - Jumped
10 - Desolate
11 - Quarry
12 - Map
13 - Verily
14 - Syrup
15 - Litigant
16 - Puerile
17 - Dog
18 - Once
19 - Forge
20 - Pneumonia
21 - Trick
22 - Tasks
23 - Forget

HOW YOU MAY CLAP DURING OUR FRINGE SHOW

2012-07-30T12:29:00.000-05:00

1 - So your hands make a farty sound
2 - Metaphysically
3 - With gusto, which you can purchase in 4-packs at the door
4 - Intermittently, with no sense of connection to any signifiers
5 - In 9/23 time
6 - Clappingly
7 - In fear while warding off demons
8 - As your forefathers did: constitutionally
9 - In a way which signals your readiness to mate
10 - Funky funky
11 - With every hand you can find
12 - Fifteen minutes too late
13 - Silently
14 - With highest regard for the proud institution of dirty, curse-laden, very short comedic skits
15 - With utmost panache and stunning derring-do
16 - With your knees or butt
17 - Hardly

FRINGE WEBSITE FOR OUR SHOW: http://www.fringefestival.org/2012/show/?id=2321

FACEBOOK EVENT PAGE: https://www.facebook.com/events/235504406570935/

11 Horrible Mistakes That Will Destroy My Fringe Festival Show

2012-07-26T12:08:00.002-05:00

1 -Casting only manatees.

2 - Frequently stopping the production to make sure the audience "gets it."

3 - The ironic hyper-literate actualization of ennui.

4 - Apparently, failing to include zombies is a huge fucking faux pas.

5 - Tendency to leave curveballs high in the zone.

6 - Meaninglessness.

7 - Actors drink too much Kool-Aid.

8 - Encouraging audience members to "jerk off" will be somehow misinterpreted by perverts.

9 - Actors' inability to break through fourth wall leaves them no egress from the flames.

10 - The air guitar solos run long.

11 - Something like that scene in "Indiana Jones" where those guys' faces melted.

Despite all this, you can still partake of "Brendon Etter Presents Several Short Plays Which Are For You To Watch At"

Here's the schedule:

Shows are at the U of MN Rarig Center Xperimental
330 21st Ave S, Lower Level :

Thursday, 8/2 at 10pm
Saturday, 8/4 at 7pm
Monday 8/6 at 7pm
Tuesday, 8/7 at 10pm
Saturday, 8/11 at 7pm

Tickets: $12

Here is this: https://www.facebook.com/events/235504406570935/

And here is this: http://www.fringefestival.org/2012/show/?id=2321

Here are the top seven words in this sentence.

2012-05-31T13:55:00.000-05:00

6th runner-up: this

5th runner-up: words

4th runner-up: the

3rd runner-up: Here

2nd runners-up (tie): are, sentence

WINNER! - in

(Honorable Mention: seven)

(Participant: top)

The Top 9 Serial Killer Worries

2012-04-04T16:19:00.001-05:00

1) Can men still wear white dress shoes?

2) What if I'm late?

3) What if someone realizes that I'm only pretending to understand most avant garde films?

4) When does this coupon expire? It doesn't say.

5) Do I need more closet space?

6) That bird looks upset.

7) Has my behavior taken on any addictive qualities?

8) What's in it for me?

9) Mildew.

OTHER NAMES FOR THE GIRAFFE

2012-03-31T15:45:00.000-05:00

1 - Extreme Horse

2 - El Tonguerino

3 - Captain Gangly

4 - Not Your Starting Point Guard

5 - Bizarre Sex Fetish #187

6 - KneeKnobbles

7 - The Worst Spy

8 - Height Hog

9 - Doug and / or Nancy

10 - Portable Car Shed

11 - Llamasaurus

12 - Cloud Burper

13 - World's Most Expensive Step Ladder

WHERE IS MY MIND?

2012-03-31T14:38:00.000-05:00

My mind left me years ago. Where is it? Good question. I've narrowed it down to a few possibilities.

- Stuck to a funny porcupine.

- Down on the corner, out in the street, though it seems impossible for it to be both places at once.

- Trying on bow ties at an unnamed menswear shop.

- Riding herd.

- Somewhence.

- Soaking in its own gravy.

- Starring in a very special episode of.

- Telling me that my call is very important to it. Please hold.

- Just fuckin' around.

- Writing a play about a late-night waitress and an angry short-order cook in a seedy cafe on the outskirts of a dying, midwestern, industrial town.

- Waltzing. Always waltzing.

Breathe, Damn you!

2012-03-31T14:11:00.001-05:00

BREATHE, DAMN YOU and other thoughts: A list of things I am yelling at the guy dying in front of me

1 - "There's a time and place for everything except dying, damn it!"

2 - "Well! I never!"

3 - "You have at least four more stages of grief to get through very fast!"

4 - "Does your health insurance provider cover imminent death services?!"

5 - "Hurry up, you!"

6 - "Hold on! I just got a text!"

7 - "Do you see a light or a disco ball?!"

8 - "You're really embarrassing me!"

9 - "Nice shoes!"

10 - "Are you even listening to me at all?!"

11 - "I'm totally a Good Samaritan!"

12 - "This relationship is not providing opportunities for me to grow as a person!"

13 - "Why does everything have to be about you?!"

14 - "Arrrrrrrrrrrggg what?!"

15 - "Gross!"

Geometry Rules for Dumbasses

2012-02-22T23:30:00.000-06:00

- Triangles often have three sides.

- The perfect sphere was a mythical creature that was killed by some Greek guy... or something. Now, there are five different emo bands with that name; one of which, ironically, is made up of Greek pro-lifers.

- A line which bisects a right angle must say "Excuse me" and mean it.

- The area of a circle is the area inside the one line. Forget about measuring the outside part.

- A line segment running from A to B moonwalks from B to A.

- A circle only has one side unless it's a snowman, then it has three sides and must be called a triangle.

- Parallel planes will probably not land safely.

- The sum of all interior angles of a pentagon is 540 degrees, but it was only budgeted at 260.

- The hypotenuse is a funny word for "line," but you shouldn't laugh at it or confuse it with Hippo Tennis, which you can laugh at all you want.

- Given a square with vertices M, N, O, and P, we know that its name could be NOMP.

- Parallel lines is an album by Blondie.

- The volume of a cone is defined by a positive attitude.

- When two circles intersect, we can only hope it's consensual.

- A line might be made of an infinite number of points, but scientists are still counting.

- An ellipse could be a circle with untreated depression. Try your best to address the topic in a direct, but caring, manner.

- The distance between any two points on a line can be measured by line-measuring robots.

- Some parabolas kind of look like boobies.

- Squares hate the sun.

Other Systems of Government Which, for very good reasons, You've Never Heard Of

2012-02-18T18:30:00.001-06:00

1. Otterocracy - rule by otters

2. Philosocracy - rule by losers named Phil

3. Technocracy - rule by Daft Punk

4. Ocracy - rule by n/a

5. Hypocrisyocracy - rule by those who insist that ruling is wrong

6. Obliviocracy - rule by those who don't realize they are in charge

7. Antiobliviocracy - rule by those who realize they are not in charge

8. Orthodocracy - rule by rule alone

9. Plutoocracy - rule by bitter former planets

10. Olliolliocracy - rule by people who are tired of trying to find people to rule over

11. Mocracy - rule by ridicule

12 - Ambidextrocracy - rule by the right or left, but never both

13 - Fucracry - rule by missionaries

14 - Quasimetacracy - rule by rulers who might rule over those rulers

15 - Blahcracy - rule by whatever, you know?

16 - Domocracy - Rule!

17 - Omgocracy - rule by an unexpected or surprising turn of events

18 - Anagramocracy - rule by lure

19 - Ocraocraocracy - rule by the rule of those who rule

20 - Opracy - rule by female daytime talk show hosts

21 - Knocknocracy - rule by obvious set-up

22 - Ahhhhhhcracy - rule by the most adorable

"A (insert character here) Walks Into A Bar" - Jokes Of Questionable Merit

2012-01-31T19:46:00.002-06:00

An asshole walks into a bar and rips the place to shit.

A Hitler impersonator walks into a bar and is beaten by people pretending to be various scapegoats of geopolitical insecurity.

A chicken walks into a bar after successfully crossing the road outside.

A bar walks into a bar, and no one notices.

A joke set-up walks into a bar too obviously, thus undermining laughter's key psychological motivation.

A hippopotamus walks into a bar through the freight doors in the back.

A jerk walks into a bar, but this happens far too often to be amusing.

A fan of Phish walks into a bar, and people become slightly uncomfortable.

A tennis racket walks into a bar and asks if it can get some service.

A poop walks into a bar, and the little children laugh.

A stereotype walks into a bar and says something but people are not listening to the content of its message.

A Baptist minister and a Mormon walk into a bar because they enjoy feeling self-righteous.

A sex-positive porn actress walks into a bar and, well, it wasn't a "bar," more bar-shaped, and "walks" is used in a euphemistic sense. They key word here is "into." Plus, there was a film crew.

A cliffhanger walks into a bar...

A ghost walks into a bar. It's sad because he was an alcoholic when he was alive.

A pathetic philosopher walks into a bar, or does the bar walk into him?

A group of twenty-eight people walks into a bar and order twenty-eight beers but there's only enough beer for twenty-seven; so they kill the guy no one liked that much anyway.

A feeling of poorly-timed deja vu walks into a bar; it has no idea that it almost had a sense that it had been there before even though it hadn't.

A virgin, a hooker, a seal and the President of the United States walk into a bar, and they wait for the joke to write itself.

A bartender walks into a bar. She will work there for the next six hours.

A paradox gets closer and closer but never quite walks into a bar.

A man jumping a shark walks into a bar. He's cool but desperate to recapture fading glory.

A Chinese cooking pan walks into a bar.

A very bad comedian walks into a bar, the one just a couple blocks from here, I think it's called The Spot, or Eddie's Spot... no, Eddie's Spot closed last year. And he goes, uhhh... where does he go? No! No! I got it... he says, says not goes, he says, and this is the funny part. What he says. It's great! He says... uhhh, what was it? Oh yeah! He says something like, and I don't know if this is exactly what said, but it's close. He says, "I would never walk into a bar and serve me!" Get it? Oh, wait... no, that's not quite right. Uhhh... O.K.! O.K. Now I remember, he says - again don't quote me on this because it's just a joke - he says, he says, he says... " I would never go to a bar that would serve me!" That's a joke! A joke! I hope you understood it. I love that one.

A futurist walks into a bar. Within the next ten years, she will fly her car into that bar.

A camouflaged appliance walks into a bar and blends in.

A pair of beautiful breasts walk into a bar and get all the free drinks they want, but, cruelly, they have no mouth with which to drink them.

A subconscious, universal fear walks into a bar, and suddenly it's not funny anymore.

A God walks into a bar, and says, "See? I told you there were more than one."

A boy walks into a bar, and he leaves it a man. Or so he claims.

A drunk man walks into a bar that he had just left, but he doesn't realize it. He's really, really drunk.

A metronome walks into a bar just in time.

An extrovert walks into a bar and just has to make sure that every-every-everyone! knows she's there.

An existential poem walks into a bar. It dies.

A grieving widow walks into a bar, and the bartender gives her a free drink. (But that's the last one, thinks the bartender, because she's been milking this dead husband shtick for two years now.)

An anagram was ration balk.

A sense of situational irony walks into a bar located in a church basement.

A God doesn't walk into a bar, because there is no God.

An elephant walks into a bar, but he forgot to put on his shirt and shoes and is politely asked to leave. The elephant apologizes and complies.

A teenage girl from Kansas walks into a bar wearing ruby slippers. She has an ozsome time.

A bout of forgetfulness walks? Into a bar?

A bullshit walks into a bar; a money talks into a bar.

A grizzled old caretaker walks into a bar, and he would've succeeded too, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids.

A moving sidewalk walks into a bar for you.

A wise guy walks into a bar, see?!

A Google walks into a bar. It knows everyone's name. Everyone's address. Everyone's shoe size. Everyone's list of bad "Walks Into A Bar" jokes.

A 1960's Batman walks into a bar. (BIFF!) (POW!) (WHACK!)

A man with a huge name tag on his shirt walks into a bar, because he feels like everyone knows him there.

A beer walks into a bar. It is senselessly slaughtered.

A joke about walking into a bar walks into a bar and walks right into that one.

A single tear walks into a bar, the dramatic music rises as the lights dim.

A fish walks into a bar like a fish needs a bicycle, which is absurd because the fish already walked to the bar, so why would it need a bicycle? Other than for going home, I mean.

A tornado walks into a bar. It is a very small tornado, but, nonetheless, some patrons are not pleased.

A murder mystery walks into a bar. Or does it? (dun-dun-Dunnnnn!)

A premature ejaculation walks into a.... crap.

A guilt trip walks into a bar and hopes everyone realizes how much they've hurt it.

A workplace efficiency consultant walks into a bar. Naturally, he is a complete asshole.

Charges Added by Ticketmaster to My Recent Purchase of Tickets to See Jeff Mangum at the State Theatre and My Explanation for Each

2012-01-23T17:11:00.002-06:00

Ticket "Price": $32.50
This makes sense. Jeff Mangum, essentially the only member of the great band, Neutral Milk Hotel, went into hiding while dealing with emotional issues possibly triggered by the success of his second album, In The Aeroplane Over The Sea. Outside of a few appearances onstage with friends' bands or in support of charity efforts, this marks Mangum's first tour in thirteen years. Given my love of his music, $32.50 is more than worth it.

Facility Charge: $3.00
The concert is in the State Theatre, a building beautiful enough and rich enough in history that I would probably spend three dollars just to sit there for a couple hours watching an empty stage. Plus, they spell "theater" the more expensive British way.

Convenience Charge: $12.00
Since I was not already a registered user, it took me about ten minutes to trek through the fields and menus of Ticketmaster's website to purchase a ticket for this show. Registered accounts can probably buzz through in half that time, if they remember their account password which is hardly a guarantee. If I had called the State Theatre directly, I have to believe I would have been able to perform this function in roughly the same amount of time, even if I was on hold for a few minutes. If on hold for considerably longer, then the web ordering would be faster. Twelve dollars faster? Not in my world. Not when you see what's next.

Order Processing Fee: $7.21
What the fuck?! Didn't my $12 worth of convenience cover this? Isn't having my order processed electronically by their fine computers instead of messy humans the only real convenience they provide? If this fee were not itemized explicitly, would Ticketmaster merely charge me for the convenience of not processing my order? What is included in "convenience" if not the fucking processing of the fucking order?

Additional Taxes: $1.30
The government takes a buck thirty. Yet a big corporation takes fifteen times as much for no value added. The difference? I can't elect the assholes at Ticketmaster.

Service Gratuity: $11.50
No dummies are those Masters of Ticket - with customary tipping rates running 15-20%, they have devised a great way to earn higher gratuities.

Customer Service Compensation: $8.85
You are charged ahead of time for any potential assistance you might need to save you from having to pay for the assistance when it is needed.

Customer Service Convenience Charge: $6.95
Now you can pay for the convenience of being charged for potential assistance before you are actually charged for that assistance, should it be necessary.

Repair / Maintenance Stipend: $3.19
Your ticket may be printed poorly or be insufficiently rectangular. This money assures customers that Ticketmaster is prepared to reprint your ticket or use a scissors if it should come to that.

Fee Assessment Charge: $5.50
This money is put into an R & D fund to help Ticketmaster research, implement, and effectively obfuscate their cutting edge understanding of gouging.

Order-Out Allowance: $3.99
Ticketmasters work long hours. They need a late-night burrito / pizza / pork stir fry once in a while.

Delivery Charge: $14.00
Gas is quite expensive. Ticketmaster knows this, and they really want you to know that putting a stamp on an envelope is an invitation to wasteful use of petrochemicals by someone who will have to deliver that envelope. This was part of Ticketmaster's 1995 Green Initiative Plan to help raise their customers' awareness of environmental issues.

Class Action Lawsuit Compensation: $23.65
Occasionally, Ticketmaster has to battle with more pessimistic customers who insist on something called "fairness" or the unproven concept of transparency. This money allows Ticketmaster to fend off these monstrous attacks, and, if Ticketmaster does succumb to their evil charges, you might be entitled to a refund equaling nearly 5% of this charge. So, this assessment is a big win-win.

Monopoly Assessment: from $90.00 to $130.00
This varies randomly and widely because of the forces of capitalism from which Ticketmaster must be protected.

Ticket Price: $32.50
Other Price: $191.14 - $231.14
TOTAL: $223.64 - $263.64

It's a bargain at 10% of that price, but we throw in the other 90% without even bothering you about it! Because we care.

Notes on Movies I Can Only Vaguely Recall

2012-01-22T15:55:00.001-06:00

Movie #1
- A woman with hair, blondish.
- She receives an envelope or sees a commercial.
- Top secrets?
- Her shampoo has a poison in it.
- Her friends die mysteriously. All of them.
- There was an alien thing.
- She has a lover.
- He falls off a building.
- He drives off a bridge.
- The aliens maybe did it.
- The shampoo was actually normal.

Movie #2
- A fat guy returns home.
- It is snowing.
- A high school sweetheart.
- She has a secret.
- There's a black convertible.
- Two love triangles!
- Meta.

Movie #3
- One week from retirement.
- Car chase.
- A dog next to a broken window.
- This gravel road leads to a restaurant in fog.
- 1985 or so to the early 1990s.

Movie #4
- Bad guy.
- Deformed children.
- Lasers or radiation?

Movie #5
- A magic troll... wait - no, a dragon.