A Positive Spin

A Positive Spin http://www.thebody.com/content/art55248.html A blog by Philip D. at TheBody.com. http://www.thebody.com/images/blog/philip_biobox.gif Philip D. http://www.thebody.com/content/art55248.html 115 145 If I Say His Name http://www.thebody.com/content/76326/if-i-say-his-name.html Have you ever read the works of a writer that you'd never met, yet you felt an inexplicable connection to? I have. His name was Robert DeAndreis. Five years ago, nearly the beginning of my life with HIV, I wrote a short post here on TheBody.com on how I spent the hours just before receiving confirmation of my diagnosis. In it, I shared about the power of Robert's words, the unique comfort they provided, and the loss I felt upon learning of his death.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/76326/if-i-say-his-name.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Mon, 24 Aug 2015 18:37:00 GMT When I'm 74 http://www.thebody.com/content/72347/when-im-74.html "Hey Babe, listen to this headline." as I sipped my morning dose of java and viewed the week's top stories on TheBody.com. "There are some more people that have been cured of HIV.""Why are you so obsessed with this?" John, my other half, replied."Oh I don't know," I responded with a slightly bitchy tone. "Maybe because I'd like this shit out of my body forever. Don't you?"

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/72347/when-im-74.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Tue, 30 Jul 2013 08:30:00 GMT My Inner Critic Takes a Holiday http://www.thebody.com/content/71200/my-inner-critic-takes-a-holiday.html Since 2007, my inner critic has been extra busy. Sure, he's always been a really, hard worker but since HIV moved in, he's been pulling extra shifts. First one in, last one out, and rarely takes a sick day. In fact, he does his job with such consistency and dedication that most of the time he goes unnoticed. Until recently, that is. My newfound awareness, after observing him in action, has brought me to the conclusion that it's time for him to take a much-needed vacation.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/71200/my-inner-critic-takes-a-holiday.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Fri, 12 Apr 2013 08:30:00 GMT My Canine Confidante http://www.thebody.com/content/70574/my-canine-confidante.html As she sleeps, I hear her snoring softly. To me, there is no sound more comforting; and is, quite possibly, the thing I will miss most. My dog, Wilma, has cancer and it's spreading inside her. With the wisdom of my trusted vet, I've decided not to pursue surgery or other procedures to prolong her life. She is resting comfortably now with the help of painkillers and steroids. I know in my heart that her ball fetching days are over. I am mentally preparing for life without her and making arrangements to have her euthanized in our home and to be buried in the country.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/70574/my-canine-confidante.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Sat, 16 Feb 2013 14:30:00 GMT Happy Anniversary, HIV. I Hate You. http://www.thebody.com/content/70234/happy-anniversary-hiv-i-hate-you.html If you are an adult American, it is nearly impossible to forget where you were the morning of September 11th. If you are HIV positive, it is unlikely you can forget the moment you were first told that the deadly virus lives and replicates inside of you. I heard the news five years ago today. It changed the way I felt about myself and in some ways, how I viewed the world. Although I have already blogged here about that pivotal moment, I still wanted to post something to mark "our" anniversary.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/70234/happy-anniversary-hiv-i-hate-you.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Thu, 10 Jan 2013 17:11:00 GMT Worry Your Way to Longevity http://www.thebody.com/content/67466/worry-your-way-to-longevity.html There may be hope for me yet. According to a book I read recently, those who worry in moderation appear to outlive their overly cheerful counterparts. If that's really true, I may be around to blog for a very long time.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/67466/worry-your-way-to-longevity.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Sat, 9 Jun 2012 08:29:00 GMT I Will Survive http://www.thebody.com/content/66624/i-will-survive.html I am tattoo free. Saying that, along with having little or no desire to visit Facebook (never say never) can make me feel like the odd man out, at any given San Francisco event. (not an easy thing to do, if you've ever attended the Folsom Street Fair). But recently I have entertained the idea of permanently marking some of my skin with ink. Although you might be sporting full sleeves or a Komodo dragon that envelops your entire back, I'm thinking something a bit more discreet. I'm not completely decided on its placement but it's really just for me and it's really just one word. Not so much a statement but a personal reminder.

Read more ...

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/66624/i-will-survive.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Thu, 12 Apr 2012 16:51:00 GMT Just Fine http://www.thebody.com/content/65118/just-fine.html I know it's been quite some time since I posted an entry here. Admittedly, the content of my previous post was a bit on the gloomy side but the experience of writing it evolved into something surprisingly cathartic. I'm lucky to have lived to tell the tale and I am forever grateful that my days of running from the Devil are behind me.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/65118/just-fine.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Fri, 9 Dec 2011 16:36:00 GMT Running From The Devil http://www.thebody.com/content/art62062.html I first read about the new gay cancer in the summer of 1982. Barely 18, my hormones are continually escalating and men are really starting to notice me. There are so many things I want to try with them but it isn't worth dying over.

Some say you can get it from kissing. Maybe if I only mess around with guys my age that haven't gotten it yet. Men who've had sex with other men can no longer donate blood. I read stories in the gay mags that hide in the back of my closet. Pictures in those magazines show me all the things I should never try. AIDS kills those that do. I pray that God knows I'm a good person. Why can't I be straight?

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art62062.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Wed, 1 Jun 2011 16:00:00 GMT Liquid Gold: The Secret Life of Essential Oils, Part Two http://www.thebody.com/content/art61033.html After my previous post on essential oils, I received more inquiries on the topic than any other, by far. This made me feel hopeful for the HIV-positive community. Many of us are so bound to to Pharma that sometimes it's refreshing to have somewhere else to turn to support our compromised health and complement what modern medicines have to offer us.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art61033.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Thu, 17 Mar 2011 09:37:00 GMT Liquid Gold: The Secret Life of Essential Oils http://www.thebody.com/content/art60530.html In my opinion, it's a travesty what Advertising has gone and done with the word Aromatherapy. The powerful chemistry found within a single drop of essential oil -- inhaled from a warm washcloth, a steamer, a carrier oil or right on your wrist -- has such a profound, almost instantaneous and usually beneficial effect inside our bodies and minds; to cheapen it by putting inferior quality imitations into room sprays and Glade Plug-ins and calling it Aromatherapy is a crying shame.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art60530.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Thu, 17 Feb 2011 09:26:00 GMT 2011: The Year to Suck It Up http://www.thebody.com/content/art60344.html In the course of our twenty-year friendship, Russel and I have seen each other through thick and thin. During those years, including eight working side by side, there was nothing I couldn't tell him or ask him and I suspect he'd say the same about me. These days, our semi-weekly power walks at dawn provide us time to explore a wide spectrum of subjects, including life with HIV, as we pant, climbing the massive hills of San Francisco.

During one of our first treks of this year, after a somewhat lengthy chat, we concluded that sometimes, you just need to "suck it up." At first we joked about making T-shirts and bumper stickers but finally just agreed that it would be our motto for the coming year. 2011: the Year to Suck It Up; and we promised to remind each other if we sensed it was called for.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art60344.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Wed, 2 Feb 2011 15:00:00 GMT My New BFF http://www.thebody.com/content/art59850.html Self Compassion -- This quality of awareness cultivates love for yourself as you are, without self blame or criticism.

Talk about a final test. If I treated myself with the same compassion and tolerance that I would offer a kind stranger, my life, at the very least, would have gone a lot smoother and been considerably more fun. Luckily, it turns out you can teach a middle aged dog some new tricks, and it appears I've still got some decades left to use them. The past eight weeks I practiced and cultivated some pretty useful skills and I have a damn good feeling that some of them will enable me to eventually become the man I always hoped I would be.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art59850.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Mon, 13 Dec 2010 15:52:00 GMT I Trust in Us http://www.thebody.com/content/art59738.html Trust -- This quality of awareness encourages us all to listen to and trust our own being enough to follow our instincts even if that means questioning teachers or authority.

When I re-read what I just typed, I instantly became aware how contracting HIV has honed my instincts. I suppose survival will do that. Through too much of my life I believed that I should follow the advice of those who knew more about something than I did, even when deep down, it didn't feel right. Forty-six years and a million mistakes later, I now know that there is no authentic replacement for that kind of inner truth that rarely steers me wrong. I just have to remember to honor it.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art59738.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Mon, 6 Dec 2010 20:18:00 GMT Let It Be http://www.thebody.com/content/art59524.html Acceptance means seeing things as they actually are. It does not mean that you have to like everything or that you should be passive in attitude but trying to be open to whatever the present moment offers.

For me, this Attitude is pretty significant. The three-year anniversary of my diagnosis is just around the corner but I'm not sure that I totally accepted my serostatus until recently. I only know that just about everything began to look better once I finally did. I will never like being HIV positive but I do accept that until there's a cure, it's inside me. Because I'm not wasting my time and energy dwelling on what might have been, I am more focused and able to make decisions about the present.

Read more ...

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art59524.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Sun, 21 Nov 2010 21:04:00 GMT Patience and Paradox http://www.thebody.com/content/art59321.html Patience is a form of wisdom. It demonstrates that we understand and expect that sometimes things must unfold in their own time.

I love this definition from Jon Kabat-Zinn. I realize that patience is the difference between smart and wise and have come to understand it's something that only years of experience can provide us.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art59321.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Mon, 08 Nov 2010 19:24:00 GMT The Sound of Silence http://www.thebody.com/content/art59214.html Fell off the mindfulness wagon for a couple of days. I regressed back to my old ways, becoming involved in a complex project over the weekend, and found it hard to start up again. I discovered why I've kept both my mind and my body so busy, particularly since testing HIV positive. But instead of judging myself like I normally might, I simply noticed my discomfort around feeling emotions and gave myself space until I was ready to begin again on Tuesday.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art59214.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Sun, 31 Oct 2010 13:56:00 GMT A Beginner's Mind http://www.thebody.com/content/art59036.html As I wind up my first two weeks of cultivating Mindfulness, I'm still not sure the best, most concise way of relaying what I've learned, allowing you some insight into how I'm doing it, without boring you to tears. I don't think I've ever attempted something that sounded so simple but in practice, required such a true level of commitment. Please don't let that scare you; there's a wisdom that comes with the lessons that can't help but improve your life, regardless of your HIV status.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art59036.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Wed, 20 Oct 2010 21:41:00 GMT One Step Forward http://www.thebody.com/content/art58669.html Sometimes I forget how lucky I am. Sure, I got the devil coursing through my veins but I also have a wealth of resources that I can tap into when the going gets tough. Several weeks ago, after discovering that my bout with depression could not be blamed on HIV meds, and instead required some more inward work, I began the arduous quest for a new therapist. Although it wasn't my first, I knew this time really had to be different; so I started asking around. As I've mentioned before, John happens to be in the mental health field. Subsequently, I had plenty of folks to look to for help.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art58669.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Wed, 29 Sep 2010 13:47:00 GMT A Bitter Pill http://www.thebody.com/content/art58331.html I'm not going to pretend my inbox is flooded with readers' responses, but the best part of doing this blog are the connections I've made with people that take time out to read what I've written, and share something about themselves with me. Surprising as it is to those who truly know me, I'm asked how I stay so "upbeat" (the word most often used) with such a nasty little viral addition to my life. To that my man, John, might just laugh until he cried. I wish I found it quite as funny but to be truthful, depression and I go way back and HIV and the meds haven't helped matters. Or so I thought.

I've lost count just how many times I deleted this entry and then started again, each with the common goal of sharing what I've learned about fighting depression with those who visit this site and find themselves in the same boat. Disappointingly, the early versions just ended up sounding like bad magazine articles. Finally, I figured any readers I might have deserved something a bit more personal than Fish Oil, Light Therapy and aromatherapy (although I strongly believe in all three -- email directly if you'd like to know more). So I decided to put it away for a few weeks and then, out of nowhere, fate intervened

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art58331.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Tue, 7 Sep 2010 08:34:00 GMT Adding Life to Our Years http://www.thebody.com/content/art57299.html Maybe it was pure coincidence that I had just begun working with a Life Coach several months before being diagnosed HIV positive, but then again you never know. Since I had no therapist at the time and was still unsure of who I could disclose my new status to, the hours that Geary and I spent on the phone "coaching" were precious and pivotal in the months that followed. In fact, I'd like to dedicate this post to the man that has taught me some fundamental lessons, more valuable than a year's supply of HIV meds. One in particular I'd like to run past all of you.

In the process of life coaching, Geary first had me make a handwritten inventory of what I valued most (which surprisingly proved more difficult than I predicted) and then ask myself if the decisions I was making reflected those values. He showed me that when those two are in conflict, trouble is sure to follow. Sounds simple enough, right?

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art57299.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Wed, 7 Jul 2010 17:29:00 GMT Unconditionally http://www.thebody.com/content/art57098.html I think it's safe to say that whenever I start a sentence, "Mom and Dad, I've got something I need to tell you both," they brace themselves for just about anything that might come out of my mouth. My life has, if nothing else, been decorated with a few stunning, life-changing "plot twists," and those two special people have seen me through each one, no matter what.

I know what some of you must be thinking: Is this guy for real? He tells us he's got a loving partner, a stellar physician, a cute dog, has angels dropping in left and right, is strangely grateful to have HIV, and now wants us to believe that his parents are amazing as well?

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art57098.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Wed, 23 Jun 2010 15:27:00 GMT Cry Me an Ocean (in the Desert) http://www.thebody.com/content/art56533.html When I say that I've cried more in the past two and a half years than I have in the rest of my life combined, I'm not really exaggerating. Since my diagnosis, it seems almost anything can get me going. Though a funny thing happened on the way to the Kleenex box; I discovered that I'd actually been missing out on something that can be as relaxing as a massage, uplifting as Confession and doesn't cost a dime. I'm Philip D. and I love a good cry.

Lucky for me, my man is no stranger to criers. As a cognitive therapist, John has met his fair share but I have to admit, even he is amazed sometimes at what moves me to tears. Oh sure, lots of people let loose when they watch "Terms of Endearment" or "Beaches" and it's not so unusual to get misty at a lovely wedding, but how many people find themselves sobbing while watching "Extreme Home Makeovers" on a Sunday night? Okay, so maybe I did shed a tear or 2,000 at "The Blind Side," but just as often I'm moved because I'm overwhelmed by seeing something beautiful or witnessing a random act of kindness.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art56533.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Wed, 5 May 2010 15:20:00 GMT Dear John http://www.thebody.com/content/art56291.html It would be impossible to really tell the story about my experience with HIV and not mention you; the very best thing that came from all of "this". Your love has not only propped me up through some of the toughest times but it has shown me that even the darkest, blackest cloud might just have a lining so silvery that it defies words. It's quite possible that you're the one I'd been waiting my whole life for, but da, I never thought to look for an angel.

One lonely and rainy January night, I found myself on a M4M site that, let's just say, isn't for Boy Scouts. I had no real desire to hook up or even meet that evening, I just wanted a safe place that I could check off the box marked "positive" next to HIV status for the first time, without much fan fare, as I peeked at torsos and other body "parts".

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art56291.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Wed, 14 Apr 2010 17:45:00 GMT Little Soldiers and Superheroes http://www.thebody.com/content/art56132.html March 25, 2008. At the time, I called it "the first day of the rest of my life". My medical chart refers to it as the day I started anti-retroviral therapy. Either way, it's an anniversary I will certainly never forget. As I look forward to a regimen change in a few weeks, I can't help but feel a bit sentimental.

Immediately following my diagnosis, I wanted to have blood drawn to find out just exactly how much damage the little horror that now inhabited my body had done. I assumed that because it had to be a relatively new infection, I felt great and had a healthy lifestyle, that my numbers would show strong. From everything I read, it could be years before I needed to start HAART. By then the medications would be even better and hopefully with even less side effects.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art56132.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Tue, 30 Mar 2010 17:26:00 GMT What Will You Do? http://www.thebody.com/content/art55884.html Several weeks ago, I attended a Town Hall meeting at the LGBT Center here in San Francisco, where some very learned men did their best to describe to a room full of lay people how leading medical minds propose to eradicate HIV from the body.

Now I must admit, for obvious reasons, it was a concept that I found especially intriguing. Each speaker took a turn at the microphone using words like "provirus" and "reservoir cells" as they did their best to enlighten the information-hungry audience about a rather complicated idea. As much as I enjoy being fed some great medical lingo as much the next guy, it was an exercise one of the young docs called a "Kumbaya Moment" that really made me think (and feel).

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art55884.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Wed, 17 Mar 2010 20:25:00 GMT Wingman: My Doctor and Me, a Medical Partnership http://www.thebody.com/content/art55675.html Recently, while preparing to be part of a patient panel of an AIDS Forum for second-year medical students, I struggled to find a way to describe the unique, relatively new relationship between myself and my doctor, since testing HIV positive.

I remember how nervous I was before my first appointment with him. I knew I needed to share some deeply personal things; things I had never said out loud to another human being. I felt a great deal of shame about some of them but I also knew that he could really only help me if I was completely up front with him. Because he spoke to me with such respect and had such a truly caring sense about him, my gut told me it was OK to divulge my secrets. I'm glad I did. It helped him understand why my numbers were as low as they were and therefore changed the start of my treatment. That meeting, a team was formed and I left that office with a newfound confidence that has been instrumental in my fight with HIV. Wars are never won by individuals, they are won by teams.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art55675.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Tue, 2 Mar 2010 14:43:00 GMT Someone Saved My Life Tonight http://www.thebody.com/content/art55454.html Of all the days to finish work early, why did it have to be this one? I now found myself with three hours to kill before I could pick up the results for my second confirmatory HIV test. Would I spend the rest of my life HIV positive or not? That was the question; and before long I'd know the answer. To really understand how I used the time, we'd have to flash back to August 1995.

It started out a perfect day; blue sky, a light breeze, and life was good. As usual my Wednesday morning ritual consisted of a large latte and the latest copy of the San Francisco Sentinel. I was headed home to shower for work and to read up on my friend, Robert. Well, maybe "friend" isn't the best word to describe our relationship as we had never met face to face but I did know some very intimate details about his life. As a weekly columnist for the SF Sentinel, Robert De Andreis shared with his readers what it was like being a gay man with AIDS in the very early 90s with a raw and no-holds-barred honesty that I found absolutely riveting. For more than 2 years, he consistently spared no detail while he described his day to day life as he faced mortality, relationships, experimental treatments and even his sex life. His wit and words touched me deeply and I couldn't help viewing those who were HIV+ with a newfound respect. That particular August morning, as I read his obituary (in the very same paper he wrote for), I felt a sense of loss like I had never felt before and I hated the disease that took my gay "brother," like so many before him. The irony was that on the opposite page there was a small mention of the "successful HIV cocktail therapies" that we now take for granted. I will never forget Robert De Andreis or what he taught me.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art55454.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Wed, 17 Feb 2010 15:08:00 GMT The Fortune Teller http://www.thebody.com/content/art55346.html For-tune n. an unknown and unpredictable phenomenon that causes an event to result one way rather than another.

Two years ago today, I tested positive for HIV. Figures it would happen on the longest night of the year. Actually, it felt more like the longest night of my life, and to say I was blindsided would be putting it mildly. Why else would I get tested the week of Christmas with 10 days off and no particular holiday plans?

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art55346.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Wed, 3 Feb 2010 19:26:00 GMT A Positive Spin http://www.thebody.com/content/art55247.html Why am I here? Because I really like this website. In my opinion, it's one of the best sources of HIV information on the Internet. I've still got much to learn, but I've also picked up some choice tidbits that I'd like to share in my short, yet action packed, two-year journey with HIV. I suppose that's what it really boils down to, sharing what we have to make easier on those who will follow.

My name is Philip D. and I am HIV positive. I reside in San Francisco, work as an independent contractor, have a really amazing b.f. and a very sweet seven-year-old pooch. I invite each of you to respond to my entries but please understand, I type about 12 words a minute and I'm rather sensitive to unconstructive criticism. I only ask that if you bring a problem to the "picnic", don't forget to pack at least one solution, too.

]]> http://www.thebody.com/content/art55247.html felippedman@gmail.com (Philip D.) Tue, 26 Jan 2010 21:29:00 GMT